Speaker 1: And we are back with Robin Reiser. Listen. Part one
was so good and I think we left off in
a great spot, but I just didn't want anybody to
feel like and then you lived happily ever after and
rehab was great, and like, that's not how it went down,
So tell us how it went down.
Speaker 2: I mean I was super angry, and rehab the first
week was a what they call evel where they basically
and this was tough love at that time, like they
really were. They weren't. Nobody was trauma informed or anything like.
Nobody tried to be nice to you through this, and
so they were just like if I cried, they they
were like, you're not crying, You're if you They were
just like the whole time everything you said, they were like,
you are so full of shit everything we said. And
then they also the counselor read my diary out loud
to the group. It was, I mean, not the whole thing,
but just like a passage, and I was like, this
that would never happen. Now you could, that would never happen.
But yeah, I was really pissed.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't nice to you because that seems so counterintuitive.
Speaker 2: Yeah, nobody was nice to me until I got to
the unit, and I had tried really hard to convince
them that I had schizophrenia. I was convinced that I
had schizophrenia. So when they didn't put me on a
unit for a dual diagnosis, so I was only going
for chemical dependency and not for mental illness too, I
really argued with them. I was like, you need to
put me on meds. I need I need psychiatric drugs.
I need something to stop my hallucinations. And they're like,
how many hallucinations have you had since you've been here?
And I was like none, And they're like, do you
do you think perhaps your hallucinations have more to do
with the drugs you're doing, you know, the psychedelics that
you're doing, than you being actually schizophrenic. And I was like,
I don't think so. Like Ellis d would never do
that to me. She's my friend, Like she would never
make monsters come out of the wall and attack me,
like anyway. So when I finally got to the unit,
the counselor, this one counselor, Bob, sat me down in
his office and he talked to me with such tenderness
and empathy that I couldn't believe anybody was being so
kind like it was after I mean, I was in trouble,
you know, I was in trouble. I was a bad kid.
I'd broken all the rules. I had lied to my parents.
I had done everything wrong that I wasn't supposed to do.
I had ruined everything. And I was in a rehab
where they were treated me like shit and I was
like a criminal. And then I go in and there's
this counselor and he's like he just was so so
compassionate and kind, and I just it, like it just
broke me down, like I just and he wasn't at
all judgmental about doing drugs at all, Like he talked
to me. He talked about drugs, and he had a
conversation with me about drugs like a drug like somebody
who also likes drugs, which was important to me because
it's important as I mean, it's one of the reasons
why the only thing that helps alcoholics or people with
a chemical dependency is other people with those problems, because
you have to know what it feels like in order
to really help a person. We don't want to be
judged and we don't want to be told in an
intellectual way. What we need we need to be told
from somebody who's been there. And all of the counselors
in my rehab were all sober addicts and alcoholics, which
is really significant. And that counselor worked hard on me
to get me to see the connection between my consequences
and my alcoholism, like the drinking and the drugs. Like
he kept very patiently week after week. He would have
me write and write like, these are the consequences, this
is what happened. What are all the bad things that
happened in the last few years, everything, Write it all down,
and like do you see how that is because you
were drinking? Do you see that? That is because you
you couldn't stop doing drugs? Like you do see that?
And I could not really see it. I mean that's amazing,
like from somebody who's not in that position to be
like duh uh, you know, of course, but I could
not really make the connection. And then you were asking
me to tell this part about how it like it's
like it's slowly dawned on me, like he just kept
saying it. And also other people had to do that
themselves too, So I watched my peers go through this
experience and being like, yeah, the reason why you crashed
a car and hit a kid on a bike is
because you were a drunk idiot and they'd like not
see it, so you knew like you were just as stupid.
And it just like slowly dawned on me in this
one session, and it felt like this guy like like
like lifted up like a garage door, you know, like
a big warehouse door, and suddenly all this light just
came flooding in at me, and I was like, oh,
I'm that's the reason like all these things happened. Like
I could see everything everything with the like stupid shit
with the boys and all my behavior and every little
every little thing was just a domino effect from my
having to commit how committed I was to doing drugs
and alcohol and like how much I had to do it.
And it was like after that I saw like I
am powerless and that is why this has all happened.
Like I could see my powerlessness and I could see
that I was that I had no choice, Like I
had no choice, but if I wanted to have any
kind of a life that I that wasn't just full
of pain and sorrow, that I had to stop.
Speaker 1: And that's I wonder did you I feel like as
a teenager, was there a part of you if you remember,
it was like, but how come I have to be here?
But like all my other friends drank and use drugs
the same way I did? Like why me? Because I
feel I feel like it would be very hard to
accept that you are, you know whatever, biologically chemically different
than some of your friends. And that's not to say
that some of your friends didn't end up having ann action,
but right, but I just it is like I remember
thinking that even as a kid myself of just like
why am I the one who has such a bad hangover?
Like all my friends were drinking? How I was?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I always felt like that, but I felt like that, right,
I felt like that wall it was happening too, Like
why am I the one that's smoking pot and being
you know and going into like becoming psycho and hallucinating?
Why am I the one that can't handle anything? Why
am I the one that's being victimized? Why why is
it me? Like I had already come so far in
my like feeling like why me? That, like then being
like told, yeah, this is why, you you know, like
they're not the same and it sucks, like but it
also became like like all that work on acceptance, you know,
then became the work on like accepting, Well, this is
the this is the deal, right, like kind of in
the scheme of things. If you're gonna get a chronic illness,
this is not a bad one to have, Like you're here,
you can treat it, and you the only thing you
have to do is stay sober and you know, be
active in a twelve step program. That's not that bad
of a prognosis for your life, right. And then the
other thing that they because I was like, how am
I ever going to go to prom if I'm not
going to drink and do cocaine?
Speaker 1: It's just like.
Speaker 2: Which nobody does that? Nobody's sober and not on coke
at the prom?
Speaker 3: Was like what?
Speaker 1: And they're like, we all do that at whatever age
you get sober? You how are you going to go
on my honeymoon? And you know how gonna And then
your person who helps you in your program goes, are
you going on your honeymoon today?
Speaker 3: Today?
Speaker 2: Right now?
Speaker 1: How long were you? How long was your rehab stay?
Speaker 2: My rehabs day was thirty five days that's it. And
then I went to a halfway house for four months
after that in Minnesota. In Minnesota though, Yeah, I lived
in Minnesota, and I lived in a house with a
bunch of other addicts, and I had therapy in the
house and group in the house, and I went and
took the school bus to a high school in Minnesota.
Speaker 1: Wow. With the other with the others.
Speaker 2: There was there was like it was sixteen to twenty
five in that house. Oh so I was one of
the younger people.
Speaker 1: Okay, so that's like almost six months altogether, five and
a half months.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, say yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: That you were gone. Yeah okay, but tell me also
about before we before we finish rehab. But like there
were some parent days.
Speaker 2: There were oh my god, the parent days were so bad.
I mean parent week was hell. It was like a
horsh It was a horror movie. It's just a hard
I'm like, it's like, yeah, you spend all this time
growing and changing, and you want like your parents to
be like I see that you've grown and changed and
now I love you and I know it hurt. But
instead they come in with their own pain and their
own desire to show you and teach you a lesson,
and who can blame them? And so the whole thing.
Even though they try to make it fair and they
try to be like, well, tell us about how your
parents could have done better, it doesn't matter because it's
still like, yeah, but you were the you're the It's
so funny because like in that family dynamic thing that
we learn about, where you have like the alcoholic and
the alcoholic family, there's an alcoholic and the escapegoat and
the hero and all these different roles. If you're the
alcoholic while you're active, as long as you're active, you're
like all you're focused on is maintaining your addiction and
maintaining your what you that's your focus like is to
is to get drugs and alcohol, to get drunk, to
get wasted, to keep it, keep keep that cycle going.
You don't think about everybody else. But as soon as
you're clean and you're all you have no tools and
you're completely raw and you have like no ability to
escape reality anymore. They're like, here are our feelings, and
it's just like you're being attacked with darts, you know,
it's just like here are our heart, our feelings, and
how you how you ruined everything and how you know,
it's like it's like you have to accept it, like
it's part of what's kept me sober, is like that
I never want to put anybody through like that's what
I did. That's what I did when I was just
hurting myself. Is I hurt people that much when I
was just hurting myself? You know? And so, but did.
Speaker 1: You did you also feel a little bit like I'm
not trying to let you off the hook, but I'm saying, like,
did you feel a little bit like but you didn't
even know any of that until you read my diary?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys were fine, right, You guys didn't even
know well, I mean yeah, I was good at like
do you guys? Let's clear one thing up.
Speaker 3: I had you guys snowed, right, Okay, right, don't be all,
oh we were worried about you had no idea, You
had no idea what was going on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally okay.
Speaker 1: But so now you're you're presented with all of this, like,
oh my god, you really hurt us, and you feel
like shit. You probably had to have some therapy to
deal with when they left.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I mean it just was like it's
such a long it's a recovery. It's just a process,
you know, It's just.
Speaker 1: Were you upset that they made you go to the
halfway house? Was there any part of you that was like,
why are you keeping me away?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: You were glad.
Speaker 2: Oh I never wanted to go back. Oh I never
wanted to go back. I was so scared of leaving rehab.
I like if they had been like, would you like
to stay here, Like we'll give you a job and
you could just stay here, I would have been like, yep.
Like I got real high functioning in the rehab, Like
I knew how to do all the things. I knew
all the rules, I knew my jobs, I knew everybody's name.
I you know, I had that place dialed, you know.
And I did not want to leave, and I felt
very safe there and I could not even fathom going
home yet. So I had to go to the next
safe place, which was the halfway house.
Speaker 1: So then what happened. So then you're at this halfway house,
You're going to school in Minnesota with regular people, Yeah, yeah,
like high school. No.
Speaker 2: But I tried to get everybody. I I found all
the stoners and tried to I was like a missionary. Yeah,
I was a mission I was like, you guys have
prov Yeah. I was just like, have you have you
heard about the Twelve Steps? Yeah?
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 2: Have you heard the good news about the Bob Wilson.
They were just like, uh, dude.
Speaker 1: What I would I would imagine, because you know, this
is how I would have been, since I was like
this is my thirties at the improv. I would have
just been like, oh my god, you're from the rehab,
your rehab lived, you actually live in New York, but
you're like sober.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. There was other things too, like they
were Minnesota kids. They were so sweet and I had
no filter anymore. So I remember like I would have
anxiety attacks and I would curse and stuff, and they
would people were like who is she? And then someone's
say she's from New York and they'd be like, oh, okay, okay.
Like I just like flip out and tell and be
like oh, I'd have to go walk the hallways and
like be just cursing and muttering under my breath. I
was such a weirdo. But yeah, oh my god, it's
weirdo from New York.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you get back. You just they said, you
were on a plane. Did your parents come get you
and escort you back, or they're just like waiting for
you at the airport, Like.
Speaker 2: I believe they just waited for me at the air
They were really tired of spending money on me.
Speaker 1: They were really it's like college.
Speaker 2: It was so I mean, I'm sure that I know
that someone was taken care of through insurance, but the
fact that probably the fact that I was like, and
I want to keep going. They were like, no, no.
Speaker 1: No, you're fine. You seem so much better.
Speaker 2: You're it's great. But yeah, and then I didn't want
to return to my high school, so they had to
send me to a private school. Oh, which, by the way,
I should let all the parents know that if you
have a kid in public school and they cannot safely
return to their public school that public school needs they can.
Your parents can prove that the public school cannot provide
safety for them, and they can, they will pay The
state will pay for your kids to go to private school.
So just as an FYI, my parents could have saved
some money had we known that. But yeah, I could
not return to my public school. I would have had
to have come out though, with the gory details of
the ways in which the students there hurt me, And
I think that that would have been too hard for
me at that time. So it is what it is.
But I went to a private school far away, oh
really like and I had to take a train there. Yeah. Yeah,
like like a forty minute train right away.
Speaker 1: So at this point, are you like a junior in
high school a senior.
Speaker 2: I was a junior.
Speaker 1: I was a junior, had another two years to go. Yep,
So this happened. This whole thing happened. You were only
like a sophomore in high school.
Speaker 2: I was a junior in high school. Okay, I missed
like half a junior year.
Speaker 1: Okay, So then you did the rest of junior year
at this private school and then senior year. And can
you tell me a little bit about like what you
know that afterwards? Like having to be sober as a
young girl, it was how did it stay?
Speaker 2: The thing? I had to find community. I had to
find other sober young people, and I did that through
they have meetings just for young people in various twelve
step programs, and that was how I found community. I
was terrified of I had no social skills anymore. I
didn't know how to like go up and say hello
to people or it was so raw, and I was
so scared, and I was so lonely and desperate, and
I luckily, you know, there were young people at the
meeting that I went to, and I had this one
girl who looked like a freak, like a punk, like
a freak with like a big she had a big
green mohawk. And I was a hippie and I was like,
I don't associate with meth heads. Was basically kind of
my and she was just like, I'm a deadhead and
I was like, no, we're not, and she's like, I've
been to thirty five shows and I was like, oh, okay.
So then I like became really good friends with her.
And she basically was like, you're not going to make
it if you don't start making friends, if you don't
start socializing, you're not going to make it. You cannot
survive and isolate, like it's not going to work. And
I heeded that message, and I create and I learned
how to you know, get along in the world and
make friends and be a human without any aid from
any substances. And I even went to high school. I
mean I even went to college.
Speaker 1: So you went to where did you go to college?
Speaker 2: Manhattanville? Okay in New York.
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, So all this time, like during that time,
you're sober, No relapses, No, are there any times that
you came close that you were just like I mean
when you turn twenty one, were you like okay, like
enough with this, Like I wasn't even a drinking age.
Speaker 2: It's just such a unil I know, never never a
illegal drink. But I think there's literally young people's meetings
called never a legal drink. Yeah, I it's never never
was like, oh I'm twenty one now I should be
allowed to drink. It's just more like it'll it catches
me off guard, and I'm like, oh I wanna I
just want to relax or be normal or have that like,
you know, I want to just feel goof just goof
off and be able to easily let go everything or
just take that edge off for all those things that
normal people do with a simple glass of wine. You know,
get a little rosy, get a little get a little
bubble in you. You know, I just want that. That's
the thing that attracts me. I'm never attracted to like
being obliterated or you know, even even all the drugs,
well some of them sound pretty good, but like it's
just like that's what That's what I think I get
jealous of. Is that kind of like that ease you know,
I have to manufacture that with.
Speaker 1: Because we have disease.
Speaker 2: We have, yes, I have.
Speaker 1: It doesn't work. Here's the thing, though, when I think
because I have that too, of course, you know, And yeah,
having stopped way later than you, I can tell you that,
you know, I spent so many years trying to have
that thing that it's like a fantasy of I'm going
to have a glass of wine and I'm just going
to get to feel relaxed. If what if a glass
of wine made people feel feel relaxed, everybody would be
having wine every single day, like through It just doesn't
quite work that way. There's a real problem finding that
balance because you have people like us, and I don't
care how long it's been since you've drank, you have
the thing. People like us would have a glass of
wine and then we would go, Okay, I feel a
little bit better. So now what I need to do
is like have a second glass to just to just
make sure, just make sure I feel that I feel better. Yeah,
I'm not sure I'm feeling it yet. So then we
go to that.
Speaker 2: And I don't want it to run out, so I
need to have another.
Speaker 1: One, or at least one filled up that I'm going
to for sure sip on this one though, because I
feel now, I feel pretty good, So I'm just going
to yeah, I'm there, So I'm just going to keep
drinking a little bit and then all of a sudden
you're drunk and hungover.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I kinds of recipes, yeah right, right, we all
had our ways. It's all finagling, like how can I
fix how can I make this work for me?
Speaker 1: Like, so that's what I'm saying, that fantasy of like
this is what I what I know to be true
because I did try to moderate for so long before
I actually quit. I really was just like I am
going to be able to be a person who just
has a glass of wine to take the edge off.
I worked really hard at it, and it did not
work because I could not. Once my brain had a
little bit, it was it was doing a different thing.
It was doing the more calculations. It was like, no,
you feel good, you want to feel better, and there's
no possible way that I could control it or tell
myself like, no, you've had too much. And here's what
happens when you have more for me, it will always
be none or all. And yeah, it was only through
sobriety that I was able to actually see that clearly
in myself, and that that's how I am with a
lot of things, and that I'm not happy when I'm
having one. I'm not breed cheese. Oh my god, I
can't have one. I feel so are you telling me.
Speaker 2: No, you eat a whole block of bree cheese. I
remember you telling me that one time and me being
like Stephanie, one day you'll find the rooms.
Speaker 1: And I'm so like, you know, it's been sixteen years
for me, and oh my god, sixteen years. Yeah, it
was sixteen years in May, so like almost sixteen and
a half years. And you know I figured it out
a long time ago, probably a year in that, like,
oh yeah, this is where I belong. But that thought
that you have, as I think about, like if I
could just have a little bit of that special feeling
that alcohol gives us, I just think that for anybody
listening to this, this is the goal for all of us,
and for some of us, some of us listening, some
of us who just love somebody who has an issue.
It's just this fantasy because I don't think that that
is a real thing. I don't think that there's a
real possibility of enjoying a glass of wine and feeling
a little bit like light headed and like joyful. And
I have realized if i'm if I allow myself to
see it a little bit differently, that I do have
those moments. I have them all the time. I do
have moments where I feel profoundly relaxed or happy, or
joyful or like spiritual, even they just they don't come
from alcohol. But I have to tell you I feel
more of them sober than I ever did when I
was trying to when I was doing the math all
the time and trying to bargain with myself. I don't
remember too many times of being like, oh my god,
this is so perfect. I feel so perfect right now.
But I can tell you I have moments like that
a lot with no olf.
Speaker 2: Very true, I one hundred percent agree, one hundred percent yes.
Speaker 1: Especially if I'm like having a dental procedure and I'm
having like nitrous oxide, Like that's right, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2: No, I'm just saying I do.
Speaker 1: I have, But don't you ever notice? And you're just like,
oh my god, I feel so happy right now. I'm
doing something.
Speaker 2: I'm doing And the thing is that you then it's
just a genuine, true feeling, and it's it's from your
own self, you know. And that and and trying to
ignore life or avoid life is like now from my
advantage point, I can't believe that I would ever want
to avoid it, you know, like my I lost my
dad last year, and I can't imagine like wanting to
escape my grief because like trying to avoid grief even
though that was like it's like my biggest fear. And
I was like, but I i'd want to feel the
loss like I want now. I want to live as
a person and have all the colors and emotions and
not just run away and have one, you know, the
one goal, the fantasy, like just fantasize like I can
feel this way and get there. I love that you
said that it's a fantasy that we're never gonna achieve,
because I don't remember really it was. It's yeah, very
fleeting when you have it like that.
Speaker 1: And I think that people think that, oh, well, if
you're feeling pain or grief and you have some alcohol,
that that will give you access to it. But it doesn't.
I think that's a fantasy too. You might cry and
act really emotional about it, but I don't. I think
that's different than actually feeling real feelings about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we all cried when we were drunk. Crying is
not it's not real.
Speaker 1: Cry, or we'd all just be hammered in therapy.
Speaker 2: You know, I love you so much.
Speaker 1: Your therapist would be like, I feel like you made
some really good connections, like last week in our session.
You'd be like, oh my god, I hope you wrote
them down because I don't.
Speaker 2: Remember because I don't remember them. I don't remember them
at all.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. So okay, let's wrap, But like, before
you go, do you have any any advice And I
know we kind of started off yesterday's episode this way,
but do you have any advice for parents in recognizing
signs in their kids that their kids drinking is not
like other kids drinking. If not, that's okay, I'm not like, No.
Speaker 2: I think this is what I would say about it,
is that if there was anything that my parents could
have done differently is that they really made a hard
line between what I was allowed to do, and they
did it really early on, so it was like, absolutely,
they were so out of touch about drugs, they were
so out of touch with my life. It became really
easy to lie to them. And my mom started getting
suspicious because moms are pretty instinctual. But I would use
the fact that my dad was more of a soft touch.
I would put them against each other. And I think
that if your kid, I think that if anyone is suspicious,
you should really look into that. If somebody is getting
if you're suspicious, then look into it. And then.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I I like, again, it's like when do you When
is the right time for rehab, When is the right
time for intervention. It's gonna vary, and it's from person
to person. And I just happen to be on the
receiving end of a lot of drama really fast. But
I do think that a lot of kids don't continue
on that way. But I think that being open and
honest about it is probably the best thing. Like we
see you're doing this. If you find it to be
hard or bad, like please talk to us, like, you're
not going to get in trouble. We're not gonna I
think that that's the best thing to be, that compassionate person. Yeah,
that's I mean. I again, I don't have a kid
at that place, so but I worry about it all
the time. He has two alcoholic parents. I'm like, dude,
you're set up for success. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I know my kids have one, but I'm
still I got my eye on them. You know, it
has been so good. Where can we find you your writing?
I know you're working on a book and I'm hoping
it sells soon because I'm the first person to buy it.
Speaker 2: But you're you're.
Speaker 1: Sending that out right now? Do you have a substock?
Do you have like, let's get some Instagram followers.
Speaker 2: I don't have a sub sac I'm at Robin Riser
on all the things, Robin Reiser R O B I
N R E I S E R. I have some
writing out there.
Speaker 1: I have.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a what is it called medium that
I haven't been to in a long time.
Speaker 1: So you do, okay? Medium dot com is that's just
under your name? Yeah? Okay?
Speaker 2: And yeah, and if you're in Connecticut, I've been writing
and performing and plays in Connecticut. That's so having a blast.
So yeah, yeah, So hopefully this book will come out soon.
It's it's it's a it's a new way. I think
it's a new a new story of this story. But
like it's not told this way yet, not been told
this way yet.
Speaker 1: Yes, your your perspective because it'll be a while till
it comes out, but is through yourself as a sixteen
year old, and it is so good. Oh my god,
you guys.
Speaker 2: My sixteen year old self has a lot to say
about things. Yes, yes, yes, she wrote the book. The
adult Robin looking back at Herself was not a good book,
but the sixteen year old Robin telling her story that
was the book.
Speaker 1: I love it, love it. Okay, thanks, thanks again, thanks
for sharing your story. I love you.
Speaker 2: You're doing this Okay, bye bye bye? Lie is good?
Is good? Is good? Good? My god,