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Speaker 1: And we are back with Robin Reiser. Listen. Part one

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was so good and I think we left off in

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a great spot, but I just didn't want anybody to

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feel like and then you lived happily ever after and

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rehab was great, and like, that's not how it went down,

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So tell us how it went down.

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Speaker 2: I mean I was super angry, and rehab the first

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week was a what they call evel where they basically

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and this was tough love at that time, like they

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really were. They weren't. Nobody was trauma informed or anything like.

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Nobody tried to be nice to you through this, and

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so they were just like if I cried, they they

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were like, you're not crying, You're if you They were

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just like the whole time everything you said, they were like,

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you are so full of shit everything we said. And

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then they also the counselor read my diary out loud

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to the group. It was, I mean, not the whole thing,

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but just like a passage, and I was like, this

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that would never happen. Now you could, that would never happen.

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But yeah, I was really pissed.

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Speaker 1: And it wasn't nice to you because that seems so counterintuitive.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, nobody was nice to me until I got to

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the unit, and I had tried really hard to convince

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them that I had schizophrenia. I was convinced that I

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had schizophrenia. So when they didn't put me on a

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unit for a dual diagnosis, so I was only going

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for chemical dependency and not for mental illness too, I

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really argued with them. I was like, you need to

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put me on meds. I need I need psychiatric drugs.

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I need something to stop my hallucinations. And they're like,

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how many hallucinations have you had since you've been here?

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And I was like none, And they're like, do you

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do you think perhaps your hallucinations have more to do

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with the drugs you're doing, you know, the psychedelics that

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you're doing, than you being actually schizophrenic. And I was like,

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I don't think so. Like Ellis d would never do

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that to me. She's my friend, Like she would never

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make monsters come out of the wall and attack me,

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like anyway. So when I finally got to the unit,

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the counselor, this one counselor, Bob, sat me down in

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his office and he talked to me with such tenderness

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and empathy that I couldn't believe anybody was being so

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kind like it was after I mean, I was in trouble,

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you know, I was in trouble. I was a bad kid.

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I'd broken all the rules. I had lied to my parents.

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I had done everything wrong that I wasn't supposed to do.

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I had ruined everything. And I was in a rehab

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where they were treated me like shit and I was

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like a criminal. And then I go in and there's

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this counselor and he's like he just was so so

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compassionate and kind, and I just it, like it just

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broke me down, like I just and he wasn't at

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all judgmental about doing drugs at all, Like he talked

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to me. He talked about drugs, and he had a

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conversation with me about drugs like a drug like somebody

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who also likes drugs, which was important to me because

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it's important as I mean, it's one of the reasons

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why the only thing that helps alcoholics or people with

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a chemical dependency is other people with those problems, because

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you have to know what it feels like in order

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to really help a person. We don't want to be

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judged and we don't want to be told in an

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intellectual way. What we need we need to be told

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from somebody who's been there. And all of the counselors

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in my rehab were all sober addicts and alcoholics, which

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is really significant. And that counselor worked hard on me

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to get me to see the connection between my consequences

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and my alcoholism, like the drinking and the drugs. Like

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he kept very patiently week after week. He would have

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me write and write like, these are the consequences, this

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is what happened. What are all the bad things that

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happened in the last few years, everything, Write it all down,

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and like do you see how that is because you

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were drinking? Do you see that? That is because you

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you couldn't stop doing drugs? Like you do see that?

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And I could not really see it. I mean that's amazing,

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like from somebody who's not in that position to be

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like duh uh, you know, of course, but I could

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not really make the connection. And then you were asking

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me to tell this part about how it like it's

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like it's slowly dawned on me, like he just kept

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saying it. And also other people had to do that

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themselves too, So I watched my peers go through this

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experience and being like, yeah, the reason why you crashed

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a car and hit a kid on a bike is

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because you were a drunk idiot and they'd like not

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see it, so you knew like you were just as stupid.

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And it just like slowly dawned on me in this

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one session, and it felt like this guy like like

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like lifted up like a garage door, you know, like

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a big warehouse door, and suddenly all this light just

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came flooding in at me, and I was like, oh,

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I'm that's the reason like all these things happened. Like

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I could see everything everything with the like stupid shit

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with the boys and all my behavior and every little

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every little thing was just a domino effect from my

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having to commit how committed I was to doing drugs

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and alcohol and like how much I had to do it.

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And it was like after that I saw like I

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am powerless and that is why this has all happened.

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Like I could see my powerlessness and I could see

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that I was that I had no choice, Like I

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had no choice, but if I wanted to have any

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kind of a life that I that wasn't just full

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of pain and sorrow, that I had to stop.

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Speaker 1: And that's I wonder did you I feel like as

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a teenager, was there a part of you if you remember,

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it was like, but how come I have to be here?

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But like all my other friends drank and use drugs

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the same way I did? Like why me? Because I

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feel I feel like it would be very hard to

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accept that you are, you know whatever, biologically chemically different

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than some of your friends. And that's not to say

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that some of your friends didn't end up having ann action,

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but right, but I just it is like I remember

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thinking that even as a kid myself of just like

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why am I the one who has such a bad hangover?

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Like all my friends were drinking? How I was?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I always felt like that, but I felt like that, right,

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I felt like that wall it was happening too, Like

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why am I the one that's smoking pot and being

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you know and going into like becoming psycho and hallucinating?

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Why am I the one that can't handle anything? Why

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am I the one that's being victimized? Why why is

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it me? Like I had already come so far in

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my like feeling like why me? That, like then being

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like told, yeah, this is why, you you know, like

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they're not the same and it sucks, like but it

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also became like like all that work on acceptance, you know,

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then became the work on like accepting, Well, this is

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the this is the deal, right, like kind of in

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the scheme of things. If you're gonna get a chronic illness,

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this is not a bad one to have, Like you're here,

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you can treat it, and you the only thing you

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have to do is stay sober and you know, be

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active in a twelve step program. That's not that bad

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of a prognosis for your life, right. And then the

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other thing that they because I was like, how am

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I ever going to go to prom if I'm not

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going to drink and do cocaine?

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Speaker 1: It's just like.

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Speaker 2: Which nobody does that? Nobody's sober and not on coke

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at the prom?

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Speaker 3: Was like what?

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Speaker 1: And they're like, we all do that at whatever age

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you get sober? You how are you going to go

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on my honeymoon? And you know how gonna And then

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your person who helps you in your program goes, are

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you going on your honeymoon today?

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Speaker 3: Today?

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Speaker 2: Right now?

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Speaker 1: How long were you? How long was your rehab stay?

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Speaker 2: My rehabs day was thirty five days that's it. And

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then I went to a halfway house for four months

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after that in Minnesota. In Minnesota though, Yeah, I lived

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in Minnesota, and I lived in a house with a

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bunch of other addicts, and I had therapy in the

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house and group in the house, and I went and

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took the school bus to a high school in Minnesota.

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Speaker 1: Wow. With the other with the others.

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Speaker 2: There was there was like it was sixteen to twenty

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five in that house. Oh so I was one of

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the younger people.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so that's like almost six months altogether, five and

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a half months.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, say yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1: That you were gone. Yeah okay, but tell me also

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about before we before we finish rehab. But like there

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were some parent days.

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Speaker 2: There were oh my god, the parent days were so bad.

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I mean parent week was hell. It was like a

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horsh It was a horror movie. It's just a hard

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I'm like, it's like, yeah, you spend all this time

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growing and changing, and you want like your parents to

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be like I see that you've grown and changed and

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now I love you and I know it hurt. But

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instead they come in with their own pain and their

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own desire to show you and teach you a lesson,

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and who can blame them? And so the whole thing.

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Even though they try to make it fair and they

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try to be like, well, tell us about how your

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parents could have done better, it doesn't matter because it's

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still like, yeah, but you were the you're the It's

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so funny because like in that family dynamic thing that

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we learn about, where you have like the alcoholic and

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the alcoholic family, there's an alcoholic and the escapegoat and

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the hero and all these different roles. If you're the

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alcoholic while you're active, as long as you're active, you're

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like all you're focused on is maintaining your addiction and

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maintaining your what you that's your focus like is to

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is to get drugs and alcohol, to get drunk, to

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get wasted, to keep it, keep keep that cycle going.

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You don't think about everybody else. But as soon as

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you're clean and you're all you have no tools and

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you're completely raw and you have like no ability to

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escape reality anymore. They're like, here are our feelings, and

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it's just like you're being attacked with darts, you know,

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it's just like here are our heart, our feelings, and

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how you how you ruined everything and how you know,

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it's like it's like you have to accept it, like

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it's part of what's kept me sober, is like that

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I never want to put anybody through like that's what

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I did. That's what I did when I was just

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hurting myself. Is I hurt people that much when I

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was just hurting myself? You know? And so, but did.

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Speaker 1: You did you also feel a little bit like I'm

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not trying to let you off the hook, but I'm saying, like,

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did you feel a little bit like but you didn't

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even know any of that until you read my diary?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys were fine, right, You guys didn't even

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know well, I mean yeah, I was good at like

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do you guys? Let's clear one thing up.

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Speaker 3: I had you guys snowed, right, Okay, right, don't be all,

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oh we were worried about you had no idea, You

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had no idea what was going on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, totally okay.

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Speaker 1: But so now you're you're presented with all of this, like,

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oh my god, you really hurt us, and you feel

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like shit. You probably had to have some therapy to

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deal with when they left.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, I mean it just was like it's

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such a long it's a recovery. It's just a process,

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you know, It's just.

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Speaker 1: Were you upset that they made you go to the

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halfway house? Was there any part of you that was like,

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why are you keeping me away?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: You were glad.

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Speaker 2: Oh I never wanted to go back. Oh I never

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wanted to go back. I was so scared of leaving rehab.

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I like if they had been like, would you like

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to stay here, Like we'll give you a job and

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you could just stay here, I would have been like, yep.

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Like I got real high functioning in the rehab, Like

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I knew how to do all the things. I knew

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all the rules, I knew my jobs, I knew everybody's name.

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I you know, I had that place dialed, you know.

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And I did not want to leave, and I felt

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very safe there and I could not even fathom going

241
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home yet. So I had to go to the next

242
00:14:47,879 --> 00:14:51,360
safe place, which was the halfway house.

243
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Speaker 1: So then what happened. So then you're at this halfway house,

244
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You're going to school in Minnesota with regular people, Yeah, yeah,

245
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like high school. No.

246
00:15:02,799 --> 00:15:06,159
Speaker 2: But I tried to get everybody. I I found all

247
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:12,279
the stoners and tried to I was like a missionary. Yeah,

248
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,919
I was a mission I was like, you guys have

249
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,480
prov Yeah. I was just like, have you have you

250
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:20,159
heard about the Twelve Steps? Yeah?

251
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Speaker 3: I was.

252
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Speaker 2: Have you heard the good news about the Bob Wilson.

253
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,159
They were just like, uh, dude.

254
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Speaker 1: What I would I would imagine, because you know, this

255
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,279
is how I would have been, since I was like

256
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this is my thirties at the improv. I would have

257
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just been like, oh my god, you're from the rehab,

258
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,440
your rehab lived, you actually live in New York, but

259
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:46,679
you're like sober.

260
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. There was other things too, like they

261
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,720
were Minnesota kids. They were so sweet and I had

262
00:15:53,799 --> 00:15:57,600
no filter anymore. So I remember like I would have

263
00:15:57,639 --> 00:16:01,399
anxiety attacks and I would curse and stuff, and they

264
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,759
would people were like who is she? And then someone's

265
00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:08,080
say she's from New York and they'd be like, oh, okay, okay.

266
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Like I just like flip out and tell and be

267
00:16:11,399 --> 00:16:15,799
like oh, I'd have to go walk the hallways and

268
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like be just cursing and muttering under my breath. I

269
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,600
was such a weirdo. But yeah, oh my god, it's

270
00:16:21,639 --> 00:16:22,759
weirdo from New York.

271
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Speaker 1: Okay, so you get back. You just they said, you

272
00:16:26,559 --> 00:16:28,840
were on a plane. Did your parents come get you

273
00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:31,639
and escort you back, or they're just like waiting for

274
00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,360
you at the airport, Like.

275
00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:35,799
Speaker 2: I believe they just waited for me at the air

276
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,080
They were really tired of spending money on me.

277
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Speaker 1: They were really it's like college.

278
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Speaker 2: It was so I mean, I'm sure that I know

279
00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:49,759
that someone was taken care of through insurance, but the

280
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,720
fact that probably the fact that I was like, and

281
00:16:51,799 --> 00:16:54,679
I want to keep going. They were like, no, no.

282
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Speaker 1: No, you're fine. You seem so much better.

283
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,799
Speaker 2: You're it's great. But yeah, and then I didn't want

284
00:17:02,799 --> 00:17:06,720
to return to my high school, so they had to

285
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:10,440
send me to a private school. Oh, which, by the way,

286
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,960
I should let all the parents know that if you

287
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:18,279
have a kid in public school and they cannot safely

288
00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:22,960
return to their public school that public school needs they can.

289
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,759
Your parents can prove that the public school cannot provide

290
00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:29,279
safety for them, and they can, they will pay The

291
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,599
state will pay for your kids to go to private school.

292
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,640
So just as an FYI, my parents could have saved

293
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,440
some money had we known that. But yeah, I could

294
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:43,400
not return to my public school. I would have had

295
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,359
to have come out though, with the gory details of

296
00:17:47,559 --> 00:17:50,079
the ways in which the students there hurt me, And

297
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:52,640
I think that that would have been too hard for

298
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,559
me at that time. So it is what it is.

299
00:17:56,599 --> 00:17:59,400
But I went to a private school far away, oh

300
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,160
really like and I had to take a train there. Yeah. Yeah,

301
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,519
like like a forty minute train right away.

302
00:18:05,599 --> 00:18:08,039
Speaker 1: So at this point, are you like a junior in

303
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,160
high school a senior.

304
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:10,119
Speaker 2: I was a junior.

305
00:18:10,319 --> 00:18:14,000
Speaker 1: I was a junior, had another two years to go. Yep,

306
00:18:14,759 --> 00:18:16,920
So this happened. This whole thing happened. You were only

307
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,279
like a sophomore in high school.

308
00:18:19,079 --> 00:18:21,400
Speaker 2: I was a junior in high school. Okay, I missed

309
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:22,759
like half a junior year.

310
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,759
Speaker 1: Okay, So then you did the rest of junior year

311
00:18:25,799 --> 00:18:28,200
at this private school and then senior year. And can

312
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,480
you tell me a little bit about like what you

313
00:18:30,519 --> 00:18:35,079
know that afterwards? Like having to be sober as a

314
00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:40,759
young girl, it was how did it stay?

315
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,960
Speaker 2: The thing? I had to find community. I had to

316
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:50,240
find other sober young people, and I did that through

317
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:55,440
they have meetings just for young people in various twelve

318
00:18:55,440 --> 00:19:00,079
step programs, and that was how I found community. I

319
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:05,440
was terrified of I had no social skills anymore. I

320
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,079
didn't know how to like go up and say hello

321
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:12,000
to people or it was so raw, and I was

322
00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:15,759
so scared, and I was so lonely and desperate, and

323
00:19:16,559 --> 00:19:20,960
I luckily, you know, there were young people at the

324
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,400
meeting that I went to, and I had this one

325
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:28,640
girl who looked like a freak, like a punk, like

326
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,839
a freak with like a big she had a big

327
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,079
green mohawk. And I was a hippie and I was like,

328
00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,839
I don't associate with meth heads. Was basically kind of

329
00:19:36,839 --> 00:19:40,119
my and she was just like, I'm a deadhead and

330
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,119
I was like, no, we're not, and she's like, I've

331
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,480
been to thirty five shows and I was like, oh, okay.

332
00:19:45,839 --> 00:19:49,000
So then I like became really good friends with her.

333
00:19:49,079 --> 00:19:51,559
And she basically was like, you're not going to make

334
00:19:51,599 --> 00:19:54,799
it if you don't start making friends, if you don't

335
00:19:54,839 --> 00:19:58,000
start socializing, you're not going to make it. You cannot

336
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:02,559
survive and isolate, like it's not going to work. And

337
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,160
I heeded that message, and I create and I learned

338
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:11,559
how to you know, get along in the world and

339
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:16,720
make friends and be a human without any aid from

340
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:21,680
any substances. And I even went to high school. I

341
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:22,960
mean I even went to college.

342
00:20:23,839 --> 00:20:25,559
Speaker 1: So you went to where did you go to college?

343
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,079
Speaker 2: Manhattanville? Okay in New York.

344
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, So all this time, like during that time,

345
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,960
you're sober, No relapses, No, are there any times that

346
00:20:39,039 --> 00:20:41,200
you came close that you were just like I mean

347
00:20:41,319 --> 00:20:44,640
when you turn twenty one, were you like okay, like

348
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:50,000
enough with this, Like I wasn't even a drinking age.

349
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,160
Speaker 2: It's just such a unil I know, never never a

350
00:20:53,279 --> 00:20:58,319
illegal drink. But I think there's literally young people's meetings

351
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:05,200
called never a legal drink. Yeah, I it's never never

352
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,039
was like, oh I'm twenty one now I should be

353
00:21:07,079 --> 00:21:11,759
allowed to drink. It's just more like it'll it catches

354
00:21:11,799 --> 00:21:15,279
me off guard, and I'm like, oh I wanna I

355
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:20,319
just want to relax or be normal or have that like,

356
00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:24,880
you know, I want to just feel goof just goof

357
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,599
off and be able to easily let go everything or

358
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,960
just take that edge off for all those things that

359
00:21:31,799 --> 00:21:35,920
normal people do with a simple glass of wine. You know,

360
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:39,559
get a little rosy, get a little get a little

361
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:43,000
bubble in you. You know, I just want that. That's

362
00:21:43,079 --> 00:21:45,799
the thing that attracts me. I'm never attracted to like

363
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:54,279
being obliterated or you know, even even all the drugs,

364
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,920
well some of them sound pretty good, but like it's

365
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,279
just like that's what That's what I think I get

366
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,799
jealous of. Is that kind of like that ease you know,

367
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,759
I have to manufacture that with.

368
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,599
Speaker 1: Because we have disease.

369
00:22:09,799 --> 00:22:11,759
Speaker 2: We have, yes, I have.

370
00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:15,279
Speaker 1: It doesn't work. Here's the thing, though, when I think

371
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,160
because I have that too, of course, you know, And yeah,

372
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,680
having stopped way later than you, I can tell you that,

373
00:22:23,839 --> 00:22:26,799
you know, I spent so many years trying to have

374
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,519
that thing that it's like a fantasy of I'm going

375
00:22:29,599 --> 00:22:31,960
to have a glass of wine and I'm just going

376
00:22:32,039 --> 00:22:35,519
to get to feel relaxed. If what if a glass

377
00:22:35,519 --> 00:22:39,440
of wine made people feel feel relaxed, everybody would be

378
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:44,000
having wine every single day, like through It just doesn't

379
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:48,599
quite work that way. There's a real problem finding that

380
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,400
balance because you have people like us, and I don't

381
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,680
care how long it's been since you've drank, you have

382
00:22:54,799 --> 00:22:57,079
the thing. People like us would have a glass of

383
00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:59,519
wine and then we would go, Okay, I feel a

384
00:22:59,559 --> 00:23:01,400
little bit better. So now what I need to do

385
00:23:01,559 --> 00:23:04,359
is like have a second glass to just to just

386
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,039
make sure, just make sure I feel that I feel better. Yeah,

387
00:23:08,079 --> 00:23:10,799
I'm not sure I'm feeling it yet. So then we

388
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:11,240
go to that.

389
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 2: And I don't want it to run out, so I

390
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,400
need to have another.

391
00:23:14,079 --> 00:23:16,599
Speaker 1: One, or at least one filled up that I'm going

392
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,519
to for sure sip on this one though, because I

393
00:23:18,519 --> 00:23:21,079
feel now, I feel pretty good, So I'm just going

394
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,039
to yeah, I'm there, So I'm just going to keep

395
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,799
drinking a little bit and then all of a sudden

396
00:23:25,839 --> 00:23:26,880
you're drunk and hungover.

397
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:31,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, I kinds of recipes, yeah right, right, we all

398
00:23:31,599 --> 00:23:35,400
had our ways. It's all finagling, like how can I

399
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,880
fix how can I make this work for me?

400
00:23:38,319 --> 00:23:41,359
Speaker 1: Like, so that's what I'm saying, that fantasy of like

401
00:23:41,759 --> 00:23:44,119
this is what I what I know to be true

402
00:23:45,039 --> 00:23:47,720
because I did try to moderate for so long before

403
00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:50,839
I actually quit. I really was just like I am

404
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,799
going to be able to be a person who just

405
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,079
has a glass of wine to take the edge off.

406
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,319
I worked really hard at it, and it did not

407
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:03,559
work because I could not. Once my brain had a

408
00:24:03,599 --> 00:24:06,160
little bit, it was it was doing a different thing.

409
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:10,039
It was doing the more calculations. It was like, no,

410
00:24:10,599 --> 00:24:14,480
you feel good, you want to feel better, and there's

411
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,200
no possible way that I could control it or tell

412
00:24:18,279 --> 00:24:20,440
myself like, no, you've had too much. And here's what

413
00:24:20,519 --> 00:24:23,440
happens when you have more for me, it will always

414
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,839
be none or all. And yeah, it was only through

415
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,839
sobriety that I was able to actually see that clearly

416
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,559
in myself, and that that's how I am with a

417
00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:38,079
lot of things, and that I'm not happy when I'm

418
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,880
having one. I'm not breed cheese. Oh my god, I

419
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:46,119
can't have one. I feel so are you telling me.

420
00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:48,480
Speaker 2: No, you eat a whole block of bree cheese. I

421
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,640
remember you telling me that one time and me being

422
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:55,079
like Stephanie, one day you'll find the rooms.

423
00:24:55,839 --> 00:24:59,279
Speaker 1: And I'm so like, you know, it's been sixteen years

424
00:24:59,279 --> 00:25:02,400
for me, and oh my god, sixteen years. Yeah, it

425
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,039
was sixteen years in May, so like almost sixteen and

426
00:25:06,039 --> 00:25:10,599
a half years. And you know I figured it out

427
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:13,319
a long time ago, probably a year in that, like,

428
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,920
oh yeah, this is where I belong. But that thought

429
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,640
that you have, as I think about, like if I

430
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,079
could just have a little bit of that special feeling

431
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,240
that alcohol gives us, I just think that for anybody

432
00:25:27,279 --> 00:25:31,279
listening to this, this is the goal for all of us,

433
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,680
and for some of us, some of us listening, some

434
00:25:34,759 --> 00:25:38,440
of us who just love somebody who has an issue.

435
00:25:38,599 --> 00:25:41,880
It's just this fantasy because I don't think that that

436
00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:44,480
is a real thing. I don't think that there's a

437
00:25:44,519 --> 00:25:48,240
real possibility of enjoying a glass of wine and feeling

438
00:25:48,319 --> 00:25:53,279
a little bit like light headed and like joyful. And

439
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,440
I have realized if i'm if I allow myself to

440
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,000
see it a little bit differently, that I do have

441
00:26:01,079 --> 00:26:04,440
those moments. I have them all the time. I do

442
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,160
have moments where I feel profoundly relaxed or happy, or

443
00:26:08,279 --> 00:26:12,839
joyful or like spiritual, even they just they don't come

444
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,240
from alcohol. But I have to tell you I feel

445
00:26:16,319 --> 00:26:19,200
more of them sober than I ever did when I

446
00:26:19,279 --> 00:26:21,279
was trying to when I was doing the math all

447
00:26:21,319 --> 00:26:25,319
the time and trying to bargain with myself. I don't

448
00:26:25,319 --> 00:26:28,480
remember too many times of being like, oh my god,

449
00:26:28,559 --> 00:26:30,799
this is so perfect. I feel so perfect right now.

450
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:33,359
But I can tell you I have moments like that

451
00:26:33,519 --> 00:26:35,079
a lot with no olf.

452
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,319
Speaker 2: Very true, I one hundred percent agree, one hundred percent yes.

453
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,880
Speaker 1: Especially if I'm like having a dental procedure and I'm

454
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:45,200
having like nitrous oxide, Like that's right, I'm just kidding.

455
00:26:46,079 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 2: No, I'm just saying I do.

456
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 1: I have, But don't you ever notice? And you're just like,

457
00:26:50,519 --> 00:26:52,160
oh my god, I feel so happy right now. I'm

458
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:52,920
doing something.

459
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,839
Speaker 2: I'm doing And the thing is that you then it's

460
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,640
just a genuine, true feeling, and it's it's from your

461
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:03,720
own self, you know. And that and and trying to

462
00:27:03,839 --> 00:27:08,880
ignore life or avoid life is like now from my

463
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,599
advantage point, I can't believe that I would ever want

464
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,880
to avoid it, you know, like my I lost my

465
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:21,039
dad last year, and I can't imagine like wanting to

466
00:27:21,279 --> 00:27:26,039
escape my grief because like trying to avoid grief even

467
00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:28,359
though that was like it's like my biggest fear. And

468
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:33,480
I was like, but I i'd want to feel the

469
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,480
loss like I want now. I want to live as

470
00:27:36,519 --> 00:27:40,319
a person and have all the colors and emotions and

471
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:44,319
not just run away and have one, you know, the

472
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,480
one goal, the fantasy, like just fantasize like I can

473
00:27:47,519 --> 00:27:49,440
feel this way and get there. I love that you

474
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,000
said that it's a fantasy that we're never gonna achieve,

475
00:27:52,039 --> 00:27:56,880
because I don't remember really it was. It's yeah, very

476
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:58,240
fleeting when you have it like that.

477
00:27:58,759 --> 00:28:02,039
Speaker 1: And I think that people think that, oh, well, if

478
00:28:02,039 --> 00:28:05,119
you're feeling pain or grief and you have some alcohol,

479
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,079
that that will give you access to it. But it doesn't.

480
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,359
I think that's a fantasy too. You might cry and

481
00:28:11,599 --> 00:28:14,319
act really emotional about it, but I don't. I think

482
00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:17,559
that's different than actually feeling real feelings about it.

483
00:28:18,319 --> 00:28:20,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, we all cried when we were drunk. Crying is

484
00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:22,079
not it's not real.

485
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:26,319
Speaker 1: Cry, or we'd all just be hammered in therapy.

486
00:28:26,559 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 2: You know, I love you so much.

487
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,400
Speaker 1: Your therapist would be like, I feel like you made

488
00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,279
some really good connections, like last week in our session.

489
00:28:39,359 --> 00:28:41,240
You'd be like, oh my god, I hope you wrote

490
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:42,519
them down because I don't.

491
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,359
Speaker 2: Remember because I don't remember them. I don't remember them

492
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:45,720
at all.

493
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:50,599
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. So okay, let's wrap, But like, before

494
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,640
you go, do you have any any advice And I

495
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,519
know we kind of started off yesterday's episode this way,

496
00:28:56,559 --> 00:29:01,359
but do you have any advice for parents in recognizing

497
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,599
signs in their kids that their kids drinking is not

498
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:10,079
like other kids drinking. If not, that's okay, I'm not like, No.

499
00:29:10,279 --> 00:29:12,240
Speaker 2: I think this is what I would say about it,

500
00:29:12,279 --> 00:29:15,039
is that if there was anything that my parents could

501
00:29:15,079 --> 00:29:20,160
have done differently is that they really made a hard

502
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:24,279
line between what I was allowed to do, and they

503
00:29:24,319 --> 00:29:28,559
did it really early on, so it was like, absolutely,

504
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,200
they were so out of touch about drugs, they were

505
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,319
so out of touch with my life. It became really

506
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:39,079
easy to lie to them. And my mom started getting

507
00:29:39,079 --> 00:29:44,440
suspicious because moms are pretty instinctual. But I would use

508
00:29:44,599 --> 00:29:48,240
the fact that my dad was more of a soft touch.

509
00:29:48,799 --> 00:29:53,720
I would put them against each other. And I think

510
00:29:53,759 --> 00:29:57,880
that if your kid, I think that if anyone is suspicious,

511
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:02,839
you should really look into that. If somebody is getting

512
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:07,720
if you're suspicious, then look into it. And then.

513
00:30:09,079 --> 00:30:09,319
Speaker 1: You know.

514
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:14,160
Speaker 2: I I like, again, it's like when do you When

515
00:30:14,279 --> 00:30:16,400
is the right time for rehab, When is the right

516
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:21,240
time for intervention. It's gonna vary, and it's from person

517
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:24,720
to person. And I just happen to be on the

518
00:30:24,759 --> 00:30:30,400
receiving end of a lot of drama really fast. But

519
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,240
I do think that a lot of kids don't continue

520
00:30:34,279 --> 00:30:37,480
on that way. But I think that being open and

521
00:30:37,559 --> 00:30:41,079
honest about it is probably the best thing. Like we

522
00:30:41,119 --> 00:30:45,160
see you're doing this. If you find it to be

523
00:30:46,039 --> 00:30:49,200
hard or bad, like please talk to us, like, you're

524
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:52,799
not going to get in trouble. We're not gonna I

525
00:30:52,839 --> 00:30:57,839
think that that's the best thing to be, that compassionate person. Yeah,

526
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,119
that's I mean. I again, I don't have a kid

527
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:06,720
at that place, so but I worry about it all

528
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:11,000
the time. He has two alcoholic parents. I'm like, dude,

529
00:31:11,039 --> 00:31:16,039
you're set up for success. Yeah.

530
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I know my kids have one, but I'm

531
00:31:21,039 --> 00:31:24,720
still I got my eye on them. You know, it

532
00:31:24,759 --> 00:31:28,960
has been so good. Where can we find you your writing?

533
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:30,880
I know you're working on a book and I'm hoping

534
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:34,559
it sells soon because I'm the first person to buy it.

535
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:37,960
Speaker 2: But you're you're.

536
00:31:37,519 --> 00:31:40,559
Speaker 1: Sending that out right now? Do you have a substock?

537
00:31:40,799 --> 00:31:44,200
Do you have like, let's get some Instagram followers.

538
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,960
Speaker 2: I don't have a sub sac I'm at Robin Riser

539
00:31:47,079 --> 00:31:50,200
on all the things, Robin Reiser R O B I

540
00:31:50,319 --> 00:31:54,039
N R E I S E R. I have some

541
00:31:54,119 --> 00:31:55,000
writing out there.

542
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:55,599
Speaker 1: I have.

543
00:31:57,279 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a what is it called medium that

544
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:01,279
I haven't been to in a long time.

545
00:32:01,319 --> 00:32:05,200
Speaker 1: So you do, okay? Medium dot com is that's just

546
00:32:05,279 --> 00:32:07,359
under your name? Yeah? Okay?

547
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:12,039
Speaker 2: And yeah, and if you're in Connecticut, I've been writing

548
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:16,960
and performing and plays in Connecticut. That's so having a blast.

549
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:23,559
So yeah, yeah, So hopefully this book will come out soon.

550
00:32:23,599 --> 00:32:27,200
It's it's it's a it's a new way. I think

551
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,799
it's a new a new story of this story. But

552
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,319
like it's not told this way yet, not been told

553
00:32:33,359 --> 00:32:33,920
this way yet.

554
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 1: Yes, your your perspective because it'll be a while till

555
00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:41,279
it comes out, but is through yourself as a sixteen

556
00:32:41,359 --> 00:32:44,640
year old, and it is so good. Oh my god,

557
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,119
you guys.

558
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,559
Speaker 2: My sixteen year old self has a lot to say

559
00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:51,839
about things. Yes, yes, yes, she wrote the book. The

560
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,039
adult Robin looking back at Herself was not a good book,

561
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,480
but the sixteen year old Robin telling her story that

562
00:32:58,640 --> 00:32:59,119
was the book.

563
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,240
Speaker 1: I love it, love it. Okay, thanks, thanks again, thanks

564
00:33:02,279 --> 00:33:05,160
for sharing your story. I love you.

565
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:11,599
Speaker 2: You're doing this Okay, bye bye bye? Lie is good?

566
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:22,160
Is good? Is good? Good? My god,