WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.000 When the alarm pulse faintly on my night sent a 2 00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:08.480 sliced to hand over it, blinking into the endless dim 3 00:00:08.519 --> 00:00:11.400 of early morning. A faint show ran out from Daniel's 4 00:00:11.400 --> 00:00:13.599 side of the bed, and empty stretch had come to expect, 5 00:00:13.720 --> 00:00:17.920 but never accept as normal Saturday after Saturday. I could 6 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:20.039 decipher the shape of his absence by the twisted dent 7 00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:22.160 in the sheet, the faintest hint of his shampool lingering 8 00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:25.120 on the pillow. Somewhere beyond our bedroom door, I heard 9 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:27.600 the quiet, metallic cock of a zipper, the almost apologetic 10 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:30.359 brush of her gin back against the hallway wall. Even 11 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:33.000 that sounded careful, like someone trying not to wake a child. 12 00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:34.719 Though it had just been dining on me for nearly 13 00:00:34.759 --> 00:00:36.960 four years, long enough to memorize the pattern of each 14 00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:40.119 other's footsteps. I went still, feigning the heavy breathing of 15 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:43.560 late sleep. He slipped in, already dressed in navy jaugers 16 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:45.920 last year's heart walked, his shirt, phone in hand, an 17 00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:48.640 apple watch abandoned on his dresser, bright green and silent. 18 00:00:49.320 --> 00:00:52.280 Daniel always wore his watch. It was a running joke, 19 00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:54.119 how he'd move his wrist to check his heart rate, 20 00:00:54.159 --> 00:00:57.320 and conversations, even with our friends. Yet there it lay, 21 00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:00.719 blinking on the charger. He leaned over, kissed my temple softly, 22 00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:03.479 letting the back of his fingers brush my cheek. I'm 23 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:06.120 heading out now, charity breakfast at the Rex Center. Remember, 24 00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:07.799 I'll try not to wake you when I get back. 25 00:01:07.879 --> 00:01:10.480 Sleep you need rest. He said it the same way 26 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.719 every Saturday, with the kind of easy, practiced gentleness that 27 00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:17.599 felt like both ritual and defense. I mumbled something sleep desperate, 28 00:01:17.640 --> 00:01:20.120 and buried my face deeper into the pillow. The door 29 00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:23.840 all latched after another minute, the front door two. The 30 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:27.519 quiet that settled was uncomfortable. I counted backward in fives, 31 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:30.200 then in sevens, letting the numbers combat the prickling flare 32 00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:33.280 of unrest in my chest. Behind my eyelids. I watched 33 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:35.439 the slide row play of all the Saturdays before this one, 34 00:01:35.560 --> 00:01:37.480 Daniel's sight of the bed cooling as I lanes and 35 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:39.799 my darkness, telling myself it was sweet he let me 36 00:01:39.840 --> 00:01:42.040 sleep in that he was doing good work, that busy 37 00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:45.480 people made for passionate lives. But that morning the thoughts 38 00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:48.640 didn't soothe. I sat up, pressing my palms to my eyelids, 39 00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:52.480 until spirals danced in shadows. The clock said six twenty two. 40 00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:55.200 Way m. I should have been lost in sleep, or 41 00:01:55.239 --> 00:01:58.239 at least in the easy comfort of trust. Instead, my 42 00:01:58.319 --> 00:02:02.040 hand reached automatically for my phone, scrolling through all pictures, 43 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:05.200 seeing ourselves grinning on the trailhad of Pescadero, Daniel's arms 44 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:08.400 slung over my shoulders, sun blinded and wild haired. My 45 00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:10.960 stomach twisted. It was a just nostalgier, or a marker 46 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:14.479 of something being different. Now, not wrong, exactly, just distant. 47 00:02:15.280 --> 00:02:19.000 Saturday mornings used to be ours, not his. I reminded myself, 48 00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:21.080 as I had the previous two weekends, that people grow, 49 00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:23.439 that new priorities are healthy, That Daniel was the man 50 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:25.520 who had once driven across two states just to hike 51 00:02:25.560 --> 00:02:28.599 and talk me out of quitting my job. Still, the watch, 52 00:02:29.319 --> 00:02:31.879 he never left the condo without it. I wandered to 53 00:02:31.960 --> 00:02:35.400 the dresser, picked it up, batteryful, trapped his last night's sleep, 54 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.280 blink garish green like an accusing eye. The band was 55 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:40.840 warm wear, his skin had been I almost set an 56 00:02:40.840 --> 00:02:42.960 alarm to bring it to him, but comments and stop me. 57 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:46.800 He hated interruptions during events. Instead, I thund the quick message, 58 00:02:46.840 --> 00:02:49.800 drive safe, help the thunders as good to day, Love you, 59 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:51.719 tact on with a couple of sunny emojis than I 60 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:55.960 felt His reply arrived too fast. Will do thanks babe, 61 00:02:56.719 --> 00:03:00.319 I'll text later, Love you. I stayed back at the 62 00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:02.800 neat row of cartoons or muscle flex, a pancake stack, 63 00:03:02.919 --> 00:03:07.080 a car, cute performative, just like him. I kept waiting 64 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:09.599 for a crack, assigned something more than the weird emptiness 65 00:03:09.599 --> 00:03:12.280 clinging to me. My thumb hovered over our chart history. 66 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:14.599 Why was I so desperately hoping to catch him in 67 00:03:14.599 --> 00:03:16.840 the act of carey? I tossed the phone on the 68 00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:19.520 bed and closed my eyes against the hush, against increasingly 69 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:22.120 annoying question clawing at me. Was this just marriage? Or 70 00:03:22.199 --> 00:03:24.520 was dwan or quietly rewriting reality in a language I 71 00:03:24.520 --> 00:03:27.319 didn't yet know, the memory of his warmth beside meet 72 00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:29.840 our shared hikes, late night talks, when we first met 73 00:03:29.879 --> 00:03:32.879 everything I'd let myself believe about our invincibility night at 74 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:35.199 the corners. I didn't want to fade into you, a 75 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:38.879 suspicious wife. But why then did I already feel half 76 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:42.680 way there? I didn't sleep again. Instead, I lay there, 77 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.319 tracing the lines of old hopes, rehearsing how to not care, 78 00:03:45.400 --> 00:03:48.639 and failing on good days. The story of us felt simple, 79 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:51.280 and it's easy to start there. The first true thing 80 00:03:51.319 --> 00:03:53.879 is that our beginning wasn't that long ago. Chronologically, they 81 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:55.680 say you can know someone deeply for a year or 82 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:57.639 two and it'll feel like a lifetime, or you can 83 00:03:57.680 --> 00:04:00.599 spend a decade brushing against some one's edges. We met 84 00:04:00.599 --> 00:04:02.560 three years back on a grip hikes, barked by a 85 00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:05.759 mutual friend's need for more single people energy. I was 86 00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:08.960 two years out of a humiliating, imploded relationship, preferring a 87 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:12.240 company of coat and old albums to strangers. He was orknet, 88 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.159 energy and confidence, the glue of every group he ever joined. 89 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:17.879 The first hike rained half way through muddy everyone a 90 00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:20.759 little miserable. Daniel had taken up the rear of the line, 91 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:23.040 short jokes, uneasy, bound to spilling out, until he drew 92 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:24.800 me forward, actually pulled me by the hand up a 93 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:27.240 washed up part of the trail. There was that moment 94 00:04:27.279 --> 00:04:28.959 on the ridge where he just looked at me and grinned. 95 00:04:29.040 --> 00:04:31.959 I was wind blown, self conscious, sweating through my rain shell, 96 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.399 and he just didn't seem to see the layers. I 97 00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:37.319 told that story for months afterward, to friends and to myself, 98 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:40.199 letting it be the anchor when things felt uncertain. We 99 00:04:40.199 --> 00:04:43.439 were nearly thirty, job ambitious, bidden by all heart breaks, imperfect, 100 00:04:43.439 --> 00:04:45.319 but at least old enough to know what we didn't want. 101 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:49.160 Very quickly, Daniel became my partner in everything. Hikes every weekend, 102 00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:52.839 tiny apartments, bold dinner recipes, Jim's sessions I barely attended, 103 00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:55.959 but always loved watching him lead. We moved in together 104 00:04:56.000 --> 00:04:59.040 five months after we started dating. Everyone told us it 105 00:04:59.079 --> 00:05:01.439 was too fast. The good things didn't come from hurrying, 106 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:05.279 but it felt right Hatleys Back then, Daniel's extraversion worked 107 00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:08.839 in ways I admired but didn't emulate. He'd wake before dawn, 108 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:12.199 blending protein shakes, shooting texts to gym clients, pouring over 109 00:05:12.279 --> 00:05:15.680 event fires, plying community runs. I live in the shadows 110 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:18.839 of visitivity, content code until two a m. Were charging quiet, 111 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.959 slide into his orbit whenever he wanted company. Most of 112 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:23.959 our friends said we worked because he was the wave 113 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:26.519 and I was the shore. We had jokes about that 114 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:29.600 he'd throw parties. I'd hermit, I've researched big moves. He'd 115 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:32.920 just leap somehow between the push and pull. We understood 116 00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:36.079 each other early on. We set the rule tell the truth, 117 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:38.920 even if it's messy in fidelity. The one thing we'd 118 00:05:38.920 --> 00:05:40.560 both see blow up a friend group a few years 119 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:42.240 earlier was all low star of what not to do. 120 00:05:42.920 --> 00:05:45.040 We swore to be each other's escape patch. Not the 121 00:05:45.079 --> 00:05:48.639 emergency marriage a year ago just made it official. In 122 00:05:48.680 --> 00:05:51.319 our crowd, we were the adults in the room best 123 00:05:51.319 --> 00:05:53.279 at game night, most likely to drag a crude to 124 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:57.040 state pocket six a m. Daniel's energy balanced me, My 125 00:05:57.120 --> 00:06:00.959 comp steadied him. Our evenings filled with Netflix, lazy dinners, 126 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:04.000 Me running my freelance, curd fixes, Daniel strategizing for his 127 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:08.079 own jim hammering out sessions, troubleshooting member gripes, wrangling gear repairs, 128 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:10.720 hosting over eager new clients in our living room until 129 00:06:10.720 --> 00:06:14.079 it overflowed with trail mixed and high protein snacks. There 130 00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:17.319 were cracks, obviously. Daniel could never sit still when stress 131 00:06:17.319 --> 00:06:19.399 at the Jim Bill. He'd go restless when a project 132 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:21.879 bored me, I tune out for days, my introversion at cocoon. 133 00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:24.720 Sometimes I'd catch a hint of yearning in him for 134 00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:28.600 Newnes's spark something unresolved, but I thought, maybe stupidly, that 135 00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:31.319 if it ever got cute, we tuck it out. Was 136 00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:35.240 the last year growing predictable. Maybe my trust came harder 137 00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:37.319 and I kept it sharp. After conn out the college 138 00:06:37.319 --> 00:06:39.800 boy friend who had systematically betrayed me and left scars 139 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:43.079 that only Daniel's one finally softened. Trusting men work, but 140 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:46.079 I swore i'd never be blindsided again. Daniel knew all 141 00:06:46.120 --> 00:06:49.079 of that, which was why when the doubts started creeping in, 142 00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:52.199 I felt so dumb for noticing it all. The first Saturday, 143 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:54.720 Danield got up early, saying he'd volunteered for breakfast at 144 00:06:54.720 --> 00:06:56.800 the rec center for kids who darn't have enough at home. 145 00:06:56.839 --> 00:06:59.639 I'd felt proud. I joked with our friends about being 146 00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:01.920 married to a local hero, how his energy was a 147 00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:04.680 public good, not just my own personal battery. It was 148 00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:07.079 only when he started bailing every Saturday for a month 149 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:10.160 that I noticed the shift. If I suggested joining, he'd 150 00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:13.079 raise his hands and shake his head, grinning apologetically. Babe, 151 00:07:13.079 --> 00:07:15.079 you work so hard you need a sleep in. I'll 152 00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:17.759 just embarrass you with my door Kachier routine. Besides this 153 00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:20.920 chaos screaming kids spilled mel call the good stuff next time, 154 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:25.120 I promise. At first, I believed every word. He was good, 155 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:27.639 really good at pitching his days as too frantic for 156 00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:31.279 spectators that I've realized he never offered details. He never 157 00:07:31.319 --> 00:07:33.720 invited me to a single planning session, nor did he 158 00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:36.199 ever mention a specific organizer or even mention getting a 159 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:39.800 volunteer T shirt or badge. No gruffertoes, no flyer is 160 00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:42.639 left on our kitchen table. When I press faintly, which 161 00:07:42.720 --> 00:07:44.439 charity is it? Again? Do you want me to post 162 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:46.399 about it in our group chat? He'd wave it off, 163 00:07:46.439 --> 00:07:48.959 say it's not that fancy, just a bunch of us 164 00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:51.079 throwing something together. I'll mention it if we do a 165 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:53.920 full drive the next weekend, acting on something I tried 166 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:56.720 to label as cute and thoughtful, I rose earlier than usual, 167 00:07:56.800 --> 00:07:59.800 ground coffee and drove to the rec center. It felt 168 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:03.240 into history, almost silly. I imagined him playing dodgeball or 169 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:07.199 recruiting sullenines with prutine bars, My form pined before I parked, 170 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:11.519 super haptic here to day, barely room to breathe. Maybe 171 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:14.519 next time, Yeah, don't want you sitting around board while 172 00:08:14.560 --> 00:08:17.680 I wrangle Chaos's children. Ha ha. I waited in my car, 173 00:08:17.759 --> 00:08:19.959 acutely aware of how foolish I looked. Twife looking in 174 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:22.399 a rick Senter lot on a misty Saturday, scanning for 175 00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:24.680 a husband who didn't want her there. There was no 176 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:28.879 sign of Daniel. The rec center's parking lot sat half empty. Hush, 177 00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:31.839 a janitor wheeling in a boss of bulk cereal, no event, 178 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:35.279 energy insight. I didn't go in, irrationalised that maybe it 179 00:08:35.320 --> 00:08:38.200 was inside or he coutpolled, or that I didn't want 180 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:41.399 to be overbearing. Driving home, I made myself believe my 181 00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:44.360 concern was rooted in my own past, not in Daniel's secrecy. 182 00:08:44.879 --> 00:08:48.320 He created space, especially when he was dressed. Maybe charity 183 00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:50.840 mornings were just him trying to recharge with strangers rather 184 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:54.159 than with me. Maybe I was being as I feared, controlling. 185 00:08:54.759 --> 00:08:58.080 But the days grew longer, Saturdays began winding into the 186 00:08:58.159 --> 00:09:01.120 rest of the week. He started coming home later at night, 187 00:09:01.159 --> 00:09:03.039 blaming last minute Jim dram As, a member with the 188 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:05.399 Spray and Ankle and the new treadmill shorted out and 189 00:09:05.399 --> 00:09:08.360 meeting with a sponsor about possible summer clinics, always giving 190 00:09:08.440 --> 00:09:11.440 just enough story to be plausible. I found myself listening 191 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:13.840 too carefully for proof he was telling the truth. The 192 00:09:13.960 --> 00:09:16.720 tension began living inside me. It showed up as a 193 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:18.559 pop of a wine bottle left and corked a drip 194 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:20.799 of water in silent apartment, the muscle twist of being 195 00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:22.600 turned away from part of his world for the first 196 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:25.399 time since we'd met. We went to dinner one Thursday, 197 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:28.279 a big group of favorite Italian place, all noise and 198 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:31.360 laughter and endless wine. I spent half the meal trying 199 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:34.360 to chase off my worry to simply live in the present. Alex, 200 00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:37.080 Daniel's oldest friend, a bulldozer of a guy, all barked 201 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:39.440 but never serious, launch into a retelling of last weekend 202 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:42.320 ZEPPI hiking fail. He grinned across the oval of half 203 00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:45.360 empty plates. Hey, Daniel, he still saw from Saturday's death 204 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:48.360 climb man. Lena almost turned back twice. That trail kicked 205 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:53.320 our asses. Everyone laughed. Daniel went very still. My fork 206 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:57.120 clinked a plate. Wait which trail was that? I tried 207 00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:01.159 for casual. Daniel snapped back to life, chuckling wow. After 208 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:03.960 the breakfast, he turned to Alex. We just did a 209 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:07.559 quick trail and prompted after the charity event. I told you, right, babe, 210 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:09.960 cell service wasn't great out there. We only went up 211 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.039 to the first overlook. Alex nodded, quick but too quickly, 212 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:16.759 already reaching for his form. I nodded, swallowing, playing along, 213 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:20.200 but it rang sour. He told me the charity event 214 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:22.279 ran late, and he barely made it back for lunch, 215 00:10:22.440 --> 00:10:25.360 not that he'd hyped with friends. Now Leana's name was 216 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:28.799 dropped into it. She was the new Jim Ambathletic bowl 217 00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:31.159 brush in the way Daniel liked to be. I had 218 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:33.600 always watched her with wary fondness, sensing the buzz of 219 00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:36.720 her presence, but never thinking it specified there. Later in 220 00:10:36.799 --> 00:10:38.799 the car, when I quietly asked about the hicking story, 221 00:10:38.879 --> 00:10:40.600 wondering why Alex seemed to know more than I did, 222 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:43.360 Daniel roll his shoulders, keeping his eyes fixed outside, as 223 00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:45.399 if he were still on the trail. It was spur 224 00:10:45.440 --> 00:10:48.519 of the moment, he said, charity event wrapped. A few 225 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:50.879 people wanted to stretch their legs. I figure, when not 226 00:10:51.080 --> 00:10:53.919 Alex was there, some one needed to drive the van home. Anyway. 227 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:57.360 His words came as if he practiced them. I nodded. 228 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:00.919 He reached for my hand, squeezing it. I'm sorry. I 229 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:02.919 just thought you'd want to do your own things Saturday. 230 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:05.919 Didn't want you to feel duty bound to come. Buzz words, 231 00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:10.480 once so reassuring, now sounded almost patronizing. At home. When 232 00:11:10.519 --> 00:11:13.000 I peached a Daniel's Jim's Instagram, I found nothing about 233 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.519 the charity drive. Last year's events always included a deluge 234 00:11:15.559 --> 00:11:19.159 of photos eager volunteers hashtaggs at the wazoo, But this 235 00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:21.919 month there was a silence, just Daniel reposting memes and 236 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:25.159 trailers for new group runs. I checked Daniel's own profile. 237 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:28.679 No photos, no stories, nothing about rec centers or breakfasts. 238 00:11:29.399 --> 00:11:32.080 I stayed up with my laptop, drinking hubble tea, scrolling 239 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:35.000 and scrolling. For the first time in years, I hovered 240 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:38.000 over old messages in the group chat, rereading Daniel's breezy 241 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:40.559 check ins and comparing them to his current muty posts. 242 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:47.080 No declarations, no invitations, a sudden drop in transparency. Logic 243 00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:49.320 told me to let it go. Fear told me to dick. 244 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:52.480 The next day, I called Priya Moutrue was friendly, the 245 00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:54.240 only one who knew the full arc of my history. 246 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:57.639 With cheating, panic and trust. She offered a laugh that 247 00:11:57.759 --> 00:12:00.759 was only half convincing. Nicoll, I know it feels off, 248 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:03.320 but Daniel's always been straight with you, and guys sometimes 249 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:06.679 just neath their own space. Charity stuff, Jim staff organizing 250 00:12:06.679 --> 00:12:09.320 at Cambourn. Someone app Is he coming home later during 251 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:13.200 the week though, or just the weekends both? I explained, 252 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:15.720 the late nights, the sudden showers, and most specifically that 253 00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:19.960 high cover story. Pre absorbed it quietly. That is weird, 254 00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:22.600 she agreed finally, But Babe, you would see it if 255 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:25.519 he was having an affair. He's not hiding finances, right, 256 00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:27.639 He isn't locking you out of the phone. He's just 257 00:12:27.720 --> 00:12:29.840 more private. You chew are solid. Don't you think you'd know? 258 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:32.360 And you're get If it was something heavier in my gut, 259 00:12:32.519 --> 00:12:36.000 all I knew was unease. I started clicking through more details. 260 00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:39.200 On Saturdays, Daniel now came home and went straight to 261 00:12:39.279 --> 00:12:41.320 the shower, claiming he was drenched sin sweat from hiking. 262 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.600 But the timing mass the supposed breakfast not a lunch run. 263 00:12:45.159 --> 00:12:47.759 A real clear surfaced accidentally on our shave bank app. 264 00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:50.200 Daniel's Jim card had a charge for an expensive caveast 265 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:53.559 act with full toceiling windows downtown. The time matched after 266 00:12:53.679 --> 00:12:56.320 his charity morning, but before he returned home covered in dirt. 267 00:12:57.039 --> 00:12:59.759 My mind hopped explanations. Maybe he went with other volunteers 268 00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:03.080 or stopped for food, but he never mentioned it. The 269 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:06.080 following Wednesday, I overheard Daniel on the balcony speaking quietly 270 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:08.360 while laugh of, breaking his usual tense post Jim voice. 271 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:12.000 When I stepped outside, he clicked off fast. He said 272 00:13:12.039 --> 00:13:14.720 it was just an old client calling about new sponsorship deals, 273 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:17.519 then shifted the conversation to how his Jim's community runs 274 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:20.200 needed more coverage. But when I offered to help with 275 00:13:20.279 --> 00:13:22.679 any marketing, he shoved me off. It's fine work staff, 276 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:25.679 not fun for you. That night, he brought home flowers, 277 00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:29.399 but filled my tea, rubbed my back. Each gesture was off, 278 00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:33.720 almost desperate. But simultaneously he became irritable about his phone, 279 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:36.320 flicking a screenshup whenever I walked into the room, setting 280 00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:38.960 new pass codes, claiming he needed privacy with so much 281 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.000 Jim kaosk these days. Was he just spinning in stress 282 00:13:42.759 --> 00:13:45.440 or was there someone new? This was the interior of 283 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:49.159 my days? He dropping on my own marriage. By now 284 00:13:49.279 --> 00:13:52.240 doubt had become my own shadow. I found myself triple 285 00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:54.919 guessing my every instinct for tracing months of normal behavior 286 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:57.480 from his signs. Had we been growing apart and I 287 00:13:57.600 --> 00:13:59.759 just didn't want to see it? Was I reading too 288 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:03.480 much into the cracks? Was Daniel's new affection guilt or 289 00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:06.159 just to counterweight to my withdrawal? Or were we just 290 00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:10.320 tired thirty somethings cycling for another phrase. When Daniel announced 291 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:13.080 after a restless Wednesday night that he'd finally organized a 292 00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:15.600 big group charity event open to all friends and partners, 293 00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:18.840 I nearly laughed aloud in relief. I signed up immediately, 294 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:22.080 loud and eager for transparency. See I told you it 295 00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.159 was a real thing, prayas said, elbowing me in a 296 00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:27.240 kitchen crowded with might doubts. Now you can stop acting 297 00:14:27.320 --> 00:14:30.080 like you were about to call a p I Saturday morning, 298 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:32.720 I dressed early, made two coffees, and pried Daniel out 299 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:35.639 of bed for once. The event was with energetic teens 300 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:38.799 and parent volunteers, exactly as he described, though I noticed 301 00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:41.399 he spent the whole time amid the group orchestrating beef 302 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:44.720 camp sets, avoiding extended one on one moments I have 303 00:14:44.799 --> 00:14:47.879 heard feeling alternately proud and uneasy. Was this just what 304 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:51.159 charity volunteering felt like? Had I been infecting him with 305 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:55.720 my leftover paranoia? He seemed luminous, focused, charismatic, mobbed by 306 00:14:55.799 --> 00:14:58.960 kids and volunteers. He squeezed my hand on his water brake, 307 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:00.799 pressed to kiss to my fore. I had introduced me 308 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:03.039 three times as my better half, the actual genius in 309 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:05.679 our house. With each hour, the relentless dread that a 310 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:07.960 chatter of the previous month began to unwind inside me. 311 00:15:08.120 --> 00:15:10.799 I thought maybe I had made this up. Maybe Daniel 312 00:15:10.840 --> 00:15:13.039 had just needed some space, a fae shared by every couple. 313 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:16.200 Eventually just a working out of nerves, never a fundamental break. 314 00:15:16.840 --> 00:15:18.879 I left the event lighter than night felt in weeks. 315 00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:22.039 That night, back in our apartment, as Daniel showered, I 316 00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:24.919 got a text from Alex Hay, sorry about being weird 317 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:27.080 at dinner last time. Just wanted to say it wasn't 318 00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:30.080 actually at the high class Saturday cover it for Daniel 319 00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:34.720 because he asked hope I didn't confuse things. Night, I 320 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:36.240 sat on the edge of our bed with the phone 321 00:15:36.320 --> 00:15:38.240 rigid in my hand, the grinding story that had been 322 00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:40.519 offered for a hag that involved a friend who wasn't there. 323 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:43.360 Charity event or not, there was a hole in the timeline. 324 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.399 If Alex hadn't been with Daniel, and Daniel hadn't been 325 00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:47.960 at the rec center the whole time, where the hell 326 00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:50.080 was he? There was no part of my mind left 327 00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:53.080 to argue that I was overreacting. I waited until Monday 328 00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:57.039 before letting myself go further. I rationalize maybe it was 329 00:15:57.080 --> 00:15:59.399 a one off cover that amounted to nothing. But on 330 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:01.759 Monday more Daniel left in a rush for the gym, 331 00:16:01.919 --> 00:16:04.240 so distracted he left his smart watch again in the dresser. 332 00:16:04.840 --> 00:16:07.639 The watch, always fully charged, had become the new occurring 333 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:09.639 detail in our ritual, the only piece of TECHY would 334 00:16:09.639 --> 00:16:12.679 put with, of all things. I'm not a snoop generally, 335 00:16:12.759 --> 00:16:15.679 but my trust was shredded. I picked it up, tapped 336 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:18.080 into the fittest app, and navigated half from memory, half 337 00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:21.399 from desperation to the location history. I traced the highlight 338 00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:24.000 of time frame for Saturday mornings the previous month, expecting 339 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:27.720 maybe to see the rec center's address. Instead, what glowed 340 00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:30.200 was a point on the map marked of Ryancourt, not 341 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:32.799 a park, not any familiar trail, but street down in 342 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:35.919 the semi luxury condo complex outside downtown. It was an 343 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:39.720 address we never visited together. Why was Daniel smartwatch, his 344 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:43.679 digital heartbeat stuck there for nineteen minute stretches, four Saturdays 345 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:46.919 in a row. The name bit into my mind. Then, 346 00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.320 in a hard crack of recollection, I remembered Lena, the 347 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:52.080 new gym member who start at morning runs with Daniel's clients. 348 00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.879 Lena self possessed, stunning, too attentive to Daniel, but always 349 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:59.200 professionally distant, at least when I was present. I found 350 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:01.440 Lina's public work. I count something s shed, nudged our 351 00:17:01.480 --> 00:17:05.119 mutual friend group to follow, and scrawled scenic shots, always 352 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.960 Saturday mornings from hiking trails, not unlike the ones Daniel 353 00:17:08.000 --> 00:17:11.559 had described in throwaway lines, Always after charity mornings, the 354 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:14.839 same sum washed overlook, the same k neon water bottle 355 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:17.839 Daniel kept in our trunk. Comments and likes from Daniel's 356 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:19.799 Jim account on every other photo, nothing over it, but 357 00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:23.279 one called out great hassle to day proud my head's spun, 358 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:27.440 I called prayer, needing more than skepticism. Now her voice 359 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:30.640 was uncertain. He thinks she's involved for real, because look, 360 00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:33.319 even I have to admit it's weird. And if Daniel's 361 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:35.720 really pucking at her place, I got her to drive 362 00:17:35.799 --> 00:17:37.960 with me, just once, just a look, I told myself. 363 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:42.720 Saturday morning, we left early. I texted Daniel, who replied instantly, 364 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:45.920 while morning so much prep tons of people here, Well 365 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:48.799 call later. We parked up the street from Orion Court 366 00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:51.799 and waited. I watched the minute scroll by, feeling more 367 00:17:51.880 --> 00:17:55.119 like a jealous teenager than anything else. Near tennae Am, 368 00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:58.359 Daniel's gray super Up pulled into the lot. He got out, 369 00:17:58.440 --> 00:18:00.359 checked his phone, then strode up to the side entrance, 370 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:03.640 jogging up three steps with the back back slung low prayer, 371 00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:06.240 always giving people more credit than I thought possible. Squeeze 372 00:18:06.279 --> 00:18:09.799 my arm. Maybe he's dropping off Jim equipment. Maybe she's 373 00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:11.839 in the group run to day. Let's give it another week. 374 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.279 Don't jump to nuclear conclusions. But the next Saturday we 375 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:18.200 did the same the same color, same lot, different time, 376 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.559 but a pattern. There was no denying it. Daniel wasn't 377 00:18:21.559 --> 00:18:24.119 at the rec center, and the smartwatch didn't lie. I 378 00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:26.480 didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to 379 00:18:26.519 --> 00:18:28.960 call him in that instant blasted into pieces, get it 380 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:32.319 all over with. But another part, a deeper, more exhausted part, 381 00:18:32.440 --> 00:18:35.480 wanted just one more missing detail, something that would line 382 00:18:35.559 --> 00:18:37.319 up the ache in my chest with the brutal facts. 383 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:40.240 I let my sister in finally, in a late night 384 00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:43.319 confession over the phone. She listened through my ragged voice, 385 00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:46.720 silence stretching thick as she processed. You're sure, she asked, 386 00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:49.759 eventually quietly, you are totally sure, because if you blow 387 00:18:49.839 --> 00:18:51.680 this up and it's just some way of coincidence, you 388 00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:53.400 can't go back. But if you are sure, then you 389 00:18:53.519 --> 00:18:56.440 need to ask him, not tomorrow but soon. Don't suffer alone. 390 00:18:57.079 --> 00:18:59.559 Hearing that warning from someone who would always hate Daniel 391 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:01.799 more for this than I ever could, made it suddenly real. 392 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:04.720 I stared into the dark, fighting the ours to scream, 393 00:19:04.839 --> 00:19:06.880 but thankful, so thankful that at least now there wasn't 394 00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:08.759 any pretending I was the one lose in my mind. 395 00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:12.759 The days crawled Dinah became almost aggressively normal. In the 396 00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:16.079 evening's suggesting date nights, mussaushing my shoulders while I watched 397 00:19:16.079 --> 00:19:18.880 trash TV, making jokes about ordering business cards for my 398 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:22.000 new contract job. Each kindness made me feel sick, like 399 00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:24.319 he was saying goodbye over and over without ever letting 400 00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:27.240 me notice or answer. I spent hours building a wall 401 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:30.680