Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: In the spirit of Halloween and it being Good Morning
from Hell's one year anniversary being independent, we wanted to
re release some of our favorite spooky episodes, So I
hope you enjoy.
Speaker 1: Good Morning from Hell.
Speaker 3: I'm Chris and I died recently, and my eternal punishment
is to do a podcast where I interview everyone in
Hell with the owner of my soul.
Speaker 1: Oh, I got you're here, Chris.
Speaker 4: Oh, you wouldn't believe what's going on out there?
Speaker 1: Hi? What?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: What's going on?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: My god, Chris?
Speaker 6: All Hell is broken loose. Yeah, all Hell's broken loose.
All of Hell, they're broken out, They're all literally Yeah,
So Hell's broken loose. It's it's insane. There's just been
a huge jail break. The infidels are running amok, the
demons are trying to clean it up.
Speaker 1: It's a mass Chris.
Speaker 3: So does that mean we're like riding and we're all
we're uprising? And I can should I rise up against you?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 6: I mean you could try, but no, no, you're a
good boy. You're gonna stay perfectly still right here, or
also kill you. But no, good good thing you're saying
here and that you didn't join the rest of them,
and because they're they're scattering up on earth. In case
some of them getting up into heaven, oh man, it
would have been the best opportunity for you to escape. Luckily,
you're here doing this podcast with me.
Speaker 4: Oh gosh.
Speaker 1: Well okay, all right, all right, that's good. You hear that?
Ye bells?
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, that means that that means that the problem
is they've they've figured it out. Okay, yeah, they've contained
the situation.
Speaker 1: Oh good.
Speaker 4: Let's just hope that uh so it doesn't get cold
and that hell freeze is over.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that'd be bad. Yeah. Yeah, all right, are we starting? Yeah, yeah,
we started. Yes, you're Clayton, the vice president of Health
Vice president.
Speaker 4: Hell to you, Good morning to you, Good morning from Hell.
Speaker 1: Same of our show. We do it once a week.
So I got a couple of questions and then we
got an interview.
Speaker 6: All right, quick you and it quick quickly. Little lightning
round all right, chow, that's the sound of lightning. All right,
good chow.
Speaker 3: This is from Kirk Devin on Twitter. Clayton, what is
the best part of having hoods?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 6: There's several advantages, you know, like I can step on
difficult terrain, you know, like Lego Beach.
Speaker 1: You know, I love going there.
Speaker 6: It's hardly ever filled with people because nobody wants to
step on a bunch of legos. But I'm just like
trapesing around, you know, horse shoes, very cheap, very portable. Yeah,
and sometimes I have these like horse you know, equestrian
like tendencies, you know, like you know, like you know
what a meal kick is. Yeah, sometimes that just happens,
you know, somebody brushes up against my butt or touches
my tail. I just I just can't control it, just
instinctively just go kick them that. Yeah, actually, hold on,
hold on, let me here. I'm gonna turn around, take
them my tail, take on my tail. I don't want
to No, no, no, no, take on my tail.
Speaker 1: It'll be fine.
Speaker 6: I got control over it. Oh yeah, see, sorry for it.
You're so gullible.
Speaker 1: Look at you up. Oh man, Well, I don't think
it was so much. I got fooled so much as No, no,
you your trick. You're fooled, all right?
Speaker 6: All right, next question, Yeah, hooves are great humans. If
you're listening, I highly recommend that you get transplants. Go
with hoves.
Speaker 1: Alright.
Speaker 3: This is from at Cole mccurly. What is Hell's hottest
celebrity couple? Oh right now, i'd have to say it's
Bunnie and Clyde.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, very popular.
Speaker 6: No, they're just they're they're on fire. Oh thousands of
degrees fahrenheit. They're there, they're on fire right now? Okay, yeah,
ho at couple. This is from app pe select gaming.
Okay on Twitter, Clayton, do you have a moment to
talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: Nope?
Speaker 6: All right, well that does it for q' ag great, right,
I was good. That was fast quick. Yeah, alright.
Speaker 1: So on to our guest.
Speaker 6: Yeah, all right, So we're gonna have a gentleman on.
I'm gonna we're gonna do something, a little experiment, but
I've brought on a vampire hunter.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 6: It's kind of a controversial job down here in Hell,
so we're gonna talk through that in some of the
complexities of his employments.
Speaker 1: So let's go ahead and bring it in. Loution, come
on it. Oh, Hey, you know, it's good. Hey, how
are you doing?
Speaker 3: He's going Yeah, but my friends they call me Dada day.
Speaker 1: Yeah. We ain't got there yet. So we get there,
we get there, all right.
Speaker 3: Uh so you're a vampire hunter. Yeah, I'm in the
business of killing those mouse suckers. That's highly offensive, loution.
Speaker 1: So you're visiting Hell, you don't live here, right, You're.
Speaker 7: No, No, I'm just checking it out. Some fiery real
estate here. Just went to checked out that that Lego
beach that just kept playing everything was awesome over and
over again.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that is part of the torture. Was like like
a Pitts Pop version to that. Yeah, we do love
kids pops rough on their ears. Yeah, yeah, just like
the legos are rough on the feet.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 7: Well you know a lot of you guys. Uh, you
guys got some vampires hiding out down here, So I
thought I stick around and see what's up, maybe kill
a few.
Speaker 3: So so yeah, so does Hell just accept vampires? Well,
we actually do, yes.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: It's one of those things.
Speaker 6: It's it's a huge point of contention between Heaven and Hell.
Speaker 1: You know, we don't view.
Speaker 4: Vampires as bad down here.
Speaker 6: We actually bring them in as refugees to protect them
from the Earth room because of people like.
Speaker 1: Day Day here just serving justice.
Speaker 6: So I'm curious, like, what got you into this profession,
if you.
Speaker 1: Want to call it that.
Speaker 4: This this this job.
Speaker 7: I mean, you know, like many people in America, I
grew up in a broken household.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 7: So my dad married a vampire. She was just a
terrible step mom, terrible step kids, step brother's, step sister.
Speaker 1: I didn't like it, so I ran away. I fled.
Speaker 7: Then I joined a group. It was a little boy
scout club called Blades Beauties.
Speaker 3: And then from there I trained to be a vampire,
a vampire hunter, to strike justice into the heart of
my step mom.
Speaker 1: Justice.
Speaker 4: Well, what ended up happening to your step mom?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 7: She she's six feet under She probably around here somewhere.
Speaker 1: Did you hunt? Did you hunt her down? Did you
did you?
Speaker 7: You know, I wouldn't necessarily say hunt. It was more
like I just walked into the house. I had the keys,
you know what I'm saying. It was kind of just
set up, you know.
Speaker 3: And then I just just.
Speaker 6: I mean, for audio listeners, what is mean, because they
could they can interpret that several different ways.
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, don't do that, all right,
they don't do that.
Speaker 1: Step mom though, you know, not real mom.
Speaker 7: Just just to clarify, but I took I had a
sandwich earlier and I took a couple pieces of meat,
ate it delicious, was fueled for the kill. Then stepped
over all right, had a steak, wooden steak. I'm not
that hungry, and I struck her in the heart.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's cold, cold blood right in front of my
step siblings.
Speaker 4: So then, like, I mean, what walk us through?
Speaker 6: What happens to these these poor vampires whenever they get
stabbed by a steak?
Speaker 3: Oh man, it's like fireworks, Like they just burst into ashes,
just burst in the ash, just like dark fireworks.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 7: There's like a little bit of flare you see of
the chuckle the bone. Yeah, it's magical.
Speaker 1: Don't breathe in though. I had one of those like masks,
you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: Okay, so I wasn't gonna inhale because I didn't want
to get the ash and the smoke clogging up my lungs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I learned that blades beauty school. Okay, Yeah, what
is what's the nastiest vampire encounter You've ever had? The nastiest? Yeah?
Like is it always like violent?
Speaker 7: Is it?
Speaker 1: For me?
Speaker 7: It'd be the most violent thing I've ever come across.
I probably shouldn't be standing here today, But I think
one of the worst parts about being a vampire hunter
is the things you don't expect. I remember one time
I was on hot on the trail this vampire booty
and uh uh I walked into accidentally a nest of
turtle vampires turt turtle?
Speaker 1: Yeah, what does that mean? Yeah? Little vampire turtles? What
do you think of me? Oh? I didn't.
Speaker 4: Are they like teenage mutant into turtles or.
Speaker 1: They're little turtles that got fangs and so.
Speaker 6: Do they turn into bats as well? Or do they
have they wings on their turtle backs?
Speaker 3: They're slow, But the problem is with those little vampire turtles,
how do you get the hearts?
Speaker 1: They got shells?
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, and then you try to get in there
and they just sucked themselves back in.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I have to boil those motherfuckers. Oh wow, Yeah,
that's that's that's really sad.
Speaker 1: It's hard.
Speaker 3: You never see him coming. They're slow too, but they're dangerous.
Have you had any like celebrity run ins?
Speaker 1: Have you have you come across you know, like the
Count or Count Chocula, celebrity vampires. Yeah, No, I.
Speaker 7: Mean I wish I was there for the hunt of
Count Chocula. Yeah, I wasn't there for the big game
that was. That was like the Super Bowl vampire hunting. Yeah,
it's really sat Day for some everybody showed up. Yeah,
everyone gired out to the Nines. You had Van Helson
can crunch. You know.
Speaker 1: Everyone was there for a little peace. Yeah.
Speaker 6: Yeah, who's who of vampire hunters and cereal mascots.
Speaker 3: Will taste of Count Buffy was there looking like a snack,
you know what I'm saying, Like, I'm not a vampire,
but god damn, I'll take a bite.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 3: Well, so so when you're not vampire hunting, what do
you do?
Speaker 1: Like, what's your home life like? Uh?
Speaker 7: Well, you know, and it seems like glory and justice
and everything, but things are home a little serious, you know, divorce.
Recently divorced two kids out of it, beautiful children.
Speaker 3: Beautiful children. Had to divorce the mom though. Yeah she
was a vampire sympathizer. Oh. I found that out a
little too late.
Speaker 7: You know, we talked about wanting kids and then you know,
here right we go on the side she's a nurse.
Speaker 1: Oh but you.
Speaker 7: Know, I found out that she was saving not only
human lives, the vampire lives.
Speaker 8: And I don't play that, oh hypocritic. Yeah, yeah, she
broke hippa, you know what I mean. So she lost
that job. She lost that job because of patient confidentiality.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you you.
Speaker 4: Broke up with her and also made her lose her job.
Speaker 1: Is that is that? What? Is that what you're telling us?
Speaker 3: Yes, that's because justice will serve that day. Yeah, so
you know, I mean it was a cold plate. You
have no respec for vampire. You're just against them, right,
I mean, like what's.
Speaker 1: Good about them? You know?
Speaker 3: Well what because you say, Clayton that they're not all
bad with it?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: So yeah, but then I mean obviously not because you
know Heaven, if Heaven sent him to kill vampires, then
they got to be bad.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 6: Well again, I mean no, you know, this is a
huge point of contention between Heaven and Hell. We have
Satan's legal team working on this, the Devil's advocates, and
they they beg to differ.
Speaker 4: Yeah, vampires are just creatures.
Speaker 6: You know, sometimes they're not as all as bad as
people make them out to be. You know, pop culture
really drags their name through the mud, you know, because
of people like like Dracula. But for every Dracula, there's
a couple of Edward Colin's, you know, shiny skin, pale, soft,
nice on the eyes, kind love sweet boy.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 7: Well, I mean, yeah, what do you I don't know, man,
I got a lot of issues with them. Uh you know,
I don't mean to try to, you know, take a
little jabs at them and shit, but like, you know,
what's up with all the leather?
Speaker 1: What's up with like the callers being up and giving
me no.
Speaker 3: Snarkling little looks off on the side, like why you
you know what I mean, Like why why are you
looking at me?
Speaker 1: And you you sizing me up? Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3: And then on top of that, I'm a big fan
of Amazon Prime, right like yeah, all my stuff delivered,
and and like I'm all about the big like, hey,
get that contract signed, get these drones out there. But
we can't get drones out there right now because there's
bats flying everywhere.
Speaker 1: Okay, good point.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I mean they were there first. The sky
was theirs.
Speaker 1: You know. Also good point.
Speaker 6: They're they're just out there minding their own business, flying
around their little bat wings and then a fucking drone
takes out.
Speaker 7: All I'm saying that we got we got planes with
airspace regulations. Why don't we crack down on the mouffucking bats,
That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 6: Well, you know you, you've raised a lot of questions
and you seem to be no friend towards vampires. So no, no, no, no,
we got it. We got a lot of things to
come through. So I we're actually gonna do something new.
We have a surprise guest. But before this person comes in,
I need you to give.
Speaker 1: Me all your weapons.
Speaker 3: Okay, I gave you all my weapons. Okay, why are
you sitting so uncomfortably?
Speaker 1: Then?
Speaker 7: Well, I mean, what's considered a weapon? You know something
that you considered weapons? You go take these hands?
Speaker 4: Yeah you might could. I've taken Chris's several times.
Speaker 1: Not on this work visa. You know what I'm saying.
There's rules and regulations. You must abide by it.
Speaker 6: All right, Well, you know a rule and regulation be
on this on this podcast is you can't attack whoever
I'm about to have on.
Speaker 3: Okay, you need to need to have your word. Attack
is such a strong word though, you know what I mean?
What about a love tap. No, none of that, all right,
bamboozle no, no bamboozok no handmakers, none of it.
Speaker 1: No physical contact. Okay, kind of hit him with the No,
you cannot hit him with the I don't even know
what that is. Your word. I'll give you a word,
all right. That's getting up for me.
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, Mitchell, come on in here.
Speaker 2: Hold on, shares are so huge?
Speaker 1: The hell is this?
Speaker 5: Hey? Hey, what's up? Guys? Hey?
Speaker 1: The hell is this?
Speaker 5: I'm Mitchell. I'm a vampire.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, ship, I know you're a vampire. Space
s space Mitchell. Okay, good Hi Mitchell. It don't se
so close to me, bro hold on, I.
Speaker 5: Just took that shair they gave me. Man, I'm just hey,
just sculf down, Okay, I'm just here to talk about.
You know, the life of a vampire is not all
you blood and guts and violence.
Speaker 1: Okay, you change my mind?
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, we're just people. You know, we're not
all the count from Sesame Street.
Speaker 1: All right, was the last time you sucked on blood?
Speaker 5: Okay, I'll be honest, it was pretty recently. That's actually
right before I came in.
Speaker 1: But what kind of blood was it? Though, Mitchell.
Speaker 5: Oh, oh, that's a good question. I've got a whole
patch of turtle blood in the back. I capsule them up,
yeah yeah, and I put them in a prescription bottle,
so no one, no one judges me.
Speaker 1: You see. Yeah, he's not all that bad a right,
he didn't attack any humans today. Okay, yeah, but have
you ever attacked any human before?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 5: Listen once again, I gotta be honest. When push comes
to shove, it just happens. Sometimes, you know, when everyone
looks like a snack. I can't help it. I've got
been cursed with this, this permanent hunger. Okay, it's like
when you look around and everyone's just this flappy meat
sandwich you want to dive in. Yeah, I'm sure you understand.
You've seen Buffy. Yeah, I mean you see this guy,
this Chris guy. Man, he looks juicy.
Speaker 3: He's defenseless, and we get we believe to let him
out on the streets around our kids, our families, our dogs,
our pigeons.
Speaker 1: Listen.
Speaker 6: All I'm here to say is you just just hear out, Mitchell,
because you know vampires are people too, and you know
you've been hunting them their whole lives. It's just been
killing vampires, killing vampires. Have you ever thought about hearing vampires?
Speaker 3: But listening, listening, I got a tingle in my fingers
that senses justice about to come.
Speaker 1: No, just remember we said no bop bops.
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, just one little poo No, no, no.
Speaker 1: Look at poor defenseless Mitchell. He's nothing.
Speaker 4: He's like he's seventy pounds soaking wet.
Speaker 5: All right, I may look small. I was cursed. I
was a bit at a young age. But I'm very old.
Oh no, a lot. I'm thirteen hundred years old. Give
her take. I've lived a lot of lives.
Speaker 1: Yeah, how old were you when you were a bit?
Speaker 5: Well, I'm trapped in the body of a five year old.
Up one morning and there was blood everywhere. My parents
had been emptied. They were scrawny like a mummy.
Speaker 6: Well, we don't even want to get into mummies yet.
All right, that's a whole different civil rights thing altogether.
Speaker 1: I don't not even I touch mummies.
Speaker 3: Huh.
Speaker 4: But you know I don't go there. I think you
think about por Mitchell here.
Speaker 6: Yeah, like he woke up one day, you know, this
sweet five year old boy and someone it just sucked
him dry, you know, I mean, let alone the fact
that he's gradually why we got to get these vampires
off the streets, sucking dry these young little boys. Yeah,
I mean sometimes he doesn't.
Speaker 1: It's a vicious circle, all right. He didn't. He didn't
get a choice about being a vampires a vampire. No
one gets a choice sometimes being sucked off. But at
the end of the day, it happened.
Speaker 5: Hey listen here, d D double D. Can I call
you that? Whoo by Lucius? I apologize that was very
undoctorly of me. That's that's right. I'm a doctor. I
went to school. I got a zoology degree.
Speaker 1: So baby here, Yeah, you know, he's a complex being,
all right, Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4: And you wouldn't have even known that he was a.
Speaker 6: Five year old vampire doctor thirteen hundred year old man
boy if you hadn't sat down to listen to him
for ten seconds, you know, because if you saw him
in the street, you would just stabbed him.
Speaker 5: You would have hit me with the boom bop, I know,
and I can.
Speaker 1: See it would hit you. He's shaking.
Speaker 7: I would have hit you with a little magic trick,
you know what I mean. We'll send my right hand
psyched stick in the left hand.
Speaker 5: Listen, what even qualifies you to kill us? Huh, we're
just normal people.
Speaker 1: When'd you go to school for this?
Speaker 5: You know how painful it was to die? Why do
you even feel like you need to steak us in
the heart? Huh, it's so arbitrary. We're undead. It doesn't
even beat, it's so small.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 3: It's really hard to get rid of the little ones
because my heart is so tiny.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I will admit, and I'm made. Uh, you know
what I call it? Day Day's baby steaks. Oh, that
idea of the toll, the physical toll it takes.
Speaker 5: We trapped in a five year old body, not be
able to drink my milk? You think about that bone? Yeah,
my bones. Man, I couldn't go in the sun right die.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't have you operating day and night on people.
And there's blood everywhere.
Speaker 7: I see your eyes getting all bloodshot, you're getting thirsty, dripping,
foaming at the mouth.
Speaker 1: Well, but but not all vampires drink blood, right.
Speaker 5: Well, I mean, technically we hate it to say so
stain our elves, but but there's a reason why. Yeah,
it's it's much more civilized than you believe. You know,
you know, most of us. We just go to the block.
There's a guy, guy named Harold. We just text him
ahead of time. He slips us a couple of bags. Yeah,
you know that'll last us for most of you know,
most of our week.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it didn't have to be criminalized. What's the address
of this Harold vampire?
Speaker 1: No? No, put you.
Speaker 4: Gotta put away word for just one second?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 5: Hey, whoa Well, where'd that pencil come from? Stop taking notes?
Speaker 3: Pal, That could that could kill a kid? Okay, all right,
it's got let at the tip. I mean I could
still shove it into.
Speaker 1: No, no away from you come here, all right, No, listen,
all right, listen. We're sitting you down because we care
about you and we want you to be happy, but
we also want other people to be happy. All right.
Speaker 3: We're sitting down here with you because it sounds like
some of your actions have been hurting other other people.
Speaker 1: Rifle is so justice. It's not justice, no bad bad justice.
Serve it breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Speaker 6: Well, you know, speaking of something, Mitchell, didn't you bring
a gift for Yeah?
Speaker 5: Here, can somebody help me. My hands are all bandaged.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, there you go.
Speaker 5: Check it out. Look it's it's it's bread, garlic bread.
Speaker 1: Yeah, why you make garlic?
Speaker 5: I made my highes bleed. My hands are burnt. But
I just wanted to show you a sign, you know,
just like a raise a flag friendship. You man, we
could we could all live together.
Speaker 1: And look at your little baby hands are all burnt.
Speaker 5: Listen. The condition with which I was frozen in time
is not any of our can concern. Okay, we bring
a lot to this world. There's so much we could offer,
you know, immortal life.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, he's a doctor. I mean he's.
Speaker 6: Zoology, you know, like tell us how you bring your
vampirism into your in your trade.
Speaker 5: Right, Yeah, you know. I like to think of it
as the gift that keeps on giving of immortality. Turtles
are perfect creatures, and they're going extinct. I had to
bite a couple. I keep them around.
Speaker 7: Yeah, but what you don't know is that when they
bite in the ocean and make another, do you making
him shock vampires? And then all of a sudden, we
can't eat half of the goddamn fish in the ocean.
You're messing with the whole ecological nature system we got
going on here.
Speaker 5: That's true.
Speaker 1: That's seeing that.
Speaker 5: I see how that would be a concern. It's kind
of why I got in the field so I could
make sure I feather the throttle a little bit, you know,
keep the population of the vampirism in control.
Speaker 7: I'm sorry, it's hard to look at you with his
little burnt baby hands. Right now, stop focusing looking at
my nubs. Okay, just take your eyes off the nubs.
You don't have glove nubs.
Speaker 5: Gloves.
Speaker 1: I have some actually threddit salami.
Speaker 5: Hey, Chris, do you have any extra nubluffs?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Here, let me give you something, thanks, Chris Mitchell. What
is it actually like being a vampire? You know, because
he you know dat eight Lucian here thinks. Lucian here
thinks it's all just you know, eating and sucking and
you know.
Speaker 1: Killing and killing. But like, tell us what it's really
like as a vampire.
Speaker 5: Well, I mean, most of us don't eat any more
than a normal human. Wood. We can get by on
just you know, a little bit of blood whenever we
need it, just to just to subsist. But really it's
just that nocturnal life. I feel like, you know, honestly,
humans kind of want to live that life anyway. I
see you staying up all hours of the night playing
video games.
Speaker 1: Are you watching me sometimes?
Speaker 5: Perks of the job. You know you're up at night
batting around.
Speaker 1: You're a fan of my streams?
Speaker 5: Yeah, come around the corner, crouched ads running around Rainbow six,
I see you.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, that's a good trainer right there, You know
what I mean? I get my lean on. Yeah, and
then in real life I give a hit, give them
with a little quick lean. They get really confused.
Speaker 6: What if I were to tell you that you and
Mitchell played a couple of games together. You know what
if Mitchell was in your party at some point. You know,
he's just another guy on the other side of the microphone,
but you know you mean to see him here in person.
You're all combative. Oh, vampire, vampire, you could be your buddy.
Speaker 1: You don't even know.
Speaker 5: You recognize the name Thunderblood fifteen.
Speaker 1: Mmmmmmm that's you.
Speaker 5: That's right. Are you just a voice modulator? So don't
get judged online? That's you and my chat day and night,
every night, tossing bits. I played with this kid before
he played with him, he's donated me. No on your
on your twitch, and you are a vampire this whole time.
It was me all along, just just in case, you know,
this moment were to come, and I would meet you
face to face before you struck the death blow, I
would tell you I was your friend this whole time.
Speaker 1: I'm so confused.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie like this boy lay in his
life out on the line while I'm out here trying
to get this elo.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 7: I'm trying to get these winds out here, and he's
been backing me up.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, you're you're hunting his family and his people.
Speaker 6: You know, that's that's just so sad, Like, how tell
us how how tender the life of a vampire is?
Speaker 5: You know, Oh, it's very sweet. It's it's very tender bowet, No, No,
that's not actually very sweet. It's high and iron. It's
a little bit like licking a hammer.
Speaker 1: Oh uh.
Speaker 5: But anyway, you know, there's a lot of group group things,
group activities, dating, fornicating. It's very tender. Us vampires very social,
very friendly.
Speaker 7: Yeah, but then you bring in non vampires into the
fold and y'all be having your feet sessions. I know sexual,
y'all motherfuckers.
Speaker 5: Get that's true, very sexual. But we're you know, I
gotta be honest. It's it's more of a volunteer system
at this point. You know, we just we loiter around
hot topic a lot.
Speaker 1: Uh, that's a breeding ground for vampires. Hot top.
Speaker 3: Well, but if they want to be a vampire, you know,
there's not really they're not killing people. Yeah, yeah, but
once you cross that line, I gotta hit them with it.
Speaker 1: No, it's their choice to listen.
Speaker 5: Why do you gotta do that? Huh? What's your driving force?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Why why do you want? Why are you so
angry at vampire? Yeah, let's get you the core of it.
It's it's about your mom. Yeah, she was just the worst.
Well but but Mitchell's not your mom.
Speaker 4: Look, he's just a little thirteen year one hundred year
old doctor.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's just me, little doctor, five year old, thirteen
hundred year old kid.
Speaker 3: This little man baby's confusing the hell out of me
right now. I'm not gonna lie with his.
Speaker 1: Little meat sausage fingers.
Speaker 5: I knew your mom. I knew your step mom. She
was a terrible woman. We never should have let her
in the fold. When we picked her up at ye
old Hot Topic back in eighteen twenty two.
Speaker 1: She was a part of the Hot Topic game.
Speaker 5: Shouldn't have been She kind of slipped, she slipped in there.
Speaker 1: See that there might be a bad vampire doesn't mean
all vampires are bad. Yeah, how am I supposed to
know who to kill her, who not to kill? What
am I say? Is what I'm good at? Yeah?
Speaker 6: Well, maybe something that you're good at is bad. You know,
maybe something that you're good at isn't good.
Speaker 1: Thought about that, But.
Speaker 7: I feel like I say, somebody lives puting people, so thankful.
You know, these vampires out here trying to get all
sexual people, trying to figure pop humans assholes and shit.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, well but see the vampires are running down
to Hell to get away from you.
Speaker 3: If they're that bad, then why are they Why are
they having to hide in Hell because they're that bad?
Speaker 6: Well, okay, Mitchell, tell us how bad vampires are? You know,
because you've lost a few friends along the way and
it sounds very tragic.
Speaker 5: So yeah, well, you know, when I first got this,
I was kind of upset. I lost my parents at all,
and I thought, you know, i'd hang out with my friend,
and you know, I traded the gift to him, and
when we were playing hoop and stick, he felt a
little wrong, just right on that stick and a boom,
off he went. Man, I got to live with that
for the rest of my eternal life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a classic move right there.
Speaker 4: Hoop and stick.
Speaker 1: That's sad.
Speaker 5: Wow, it took me a couple hundred years to get
up the courage to get a new friend.
Speaker 1: Uh huh what was his name?
Speaker 5: His name was Skeeter Toasin. Yeah, it's family name. It's
very common.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what happened to Skeeter TOAs well?
Speaker 5: We went out for say, which is, yeah, you know,
the classic meal. I was kind of I was swooning him,
trying to get him into the fold. Took him out
to a restaurant bottom his last human meal, converted him
and on the way out, he tripped and fell on
one of those toothpicks with olive on it. Oh yeah, boom,
instantly gone cloud of black dust everywhere. The man was
barely a vampire, but for a blink of an eye.
Speaker 1: Goddamn Friday night to me.
Speaker 6: No, you know, I have to say, Mitchell, you look
very nice today and I bet that that's hard to
do because they can't even see themselves in mirrors. Man,
think about how hard that is.
Speaker 1: I mean, it is pretty hard to wake up looking
fresh to death. I do believe that. Yeah, so you
have essentially a skin disorder. You can't go in the sun.
That's true, It's very true.
Speaker 4: That's sad all the things that happen in the sun.
Speaker 5: I can't go to a beach unless I want to
wear my cloak, and I just looked like a freak.
Can you imagine make cloaks for five year olds?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they look like a little hobbit out on the beach.
Sunburn is a bitch.
Speaker 4: You would need like SBF one million.
Speaker 1: Yeah, some of that. I just lather on cocoa butter,
that's all. Yeah. Well, you know he can't the option.
Speaker 5: That's why we wear leather. It's the best protection from
the sun.
Speaker 7: Do you feel like you could really reroll back and
find a new way of living.
Speaker 5: I think it's possible, And I think it's possible to
spread this word to the other vampires, pull them back
from some of their heinous ways. Yeap, a couple of
bad eggs, man, that's it.
Speaker 7: But what do we we need to. I mean, what
do we do with the bad eggs? Though we can't
just let that fly?
Speaker 5: I say we enlist them, replace drones, give them a
purpose bat delivery system.
Speaker 1: That's that could work? That's great. Yeah, yeah, it's like
rehabilitation for these bad bats. Maybe Mitchell here, could you
know help? He could be a messenger, you know, and
reach out to the other vampires. And you know what,
you as a vampire hunter, if you were a former
vampire hunter, do you know how how strong of a
message that would be to the actual vampires? And then
speak of what you could do? You think of the
night deliveries. You don't get those now?
Speaker 3: Yeah, empires, I mean I would like to get packages
beyond nine pm.
Speaker 1: That would be nice vampires, and it would mean a
lot coming from you.
Speaker 7: Look, maybe there's a world in which we take the
pros of a vampire and make them work for humans.
But we're really far off from that. We've got to
build a plan, a strategy to get there.
Speaker 1: Where would we start? You know, what do we start with?
How about how about this? What if we just start
with a hug? Can we do that? Yeah?
Speaker 5: I think that's I think that's pretty reasonable.
Speaker 1: You can do it. You can do it.
Speaker 5: Come on, I'll just bend down here. We got this.
My little arms are out, I got my numbs here.
Speaker 1: Come all right, come on, there we go.
Speaker 5: There we.
Speaker 1: Mitchell?
Speaker 5: No, did it?
Speaker 1: Pierce? Oh yeah, it's bleeding like Michel? What are you doing? Conversation?
Speaker 2: Bro?
Speaker 5: You say I'm clumsy? These five year old muscles coordinated?
Speaker 1: I got a baby man.
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 6: God, alright, demons in here?
Speaker 5: Can I call you day that yet?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: It's gonna be night night here soon.
Speaker 5: God, Mitchell, how do I even do?
Speaker 1: How does oh?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 5: I messed that up?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, really did, Mitchell?
Speaker 5: I feel like I've done done the whole centuries worth
of progress here.
Speaker 6: Great, Well he's gonna be waking up a vampire. Way
to go, Mitchell to co shit.
Speaker 5: Yeah, man, I really feel like I messed that up.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I feel like you did too. You might get out
of here.
Speaker 1: He's gonna get he's gonna be.
Speaker 5: You guys might want to scatter. He's gonna be thirsty.
Speaker 1: Yeah all right, all right, Well that didn't go as planned. No,
well he won't be hunting vampires anymore. That all right?
So cool?
Speaker 3: Hell Clayton, thank you to Alfredo and Trevor from Achievement
Hunter for being on a show.
Speaker 1: Yeah thanks guys. Uh where can the audience find more
of you? I am at Alfredo Place.
Speaker 5: I am at Underscore, Trevor see the Letter C sweets,
and I am at done with this episode.
Speaker 2: Huge thanks to Trevor Collins and Alfredo Diaz. If you
want to listen to more of them, you should check
out their podcast, Red Web. It's a true crime mystery podcast.
It's amazing. Go look for it wherever you listen to
podcasts and check them out.