Speaker 1: There is a peculiar sensation that many people experience but
Speaker 1: rarely speak about, and it is this, the feeling that
Speaker 1: in every conversation you are not quite being yourself. You
Speaker 1: are playing a role, performing a part, presenting a version
Speaker 1: of yourself that is somehow not quite authentic, not quite real,
Speaker 1: not quite the truth of who you actually are. And
Speaker 1: this creates a strange kind of exhaustion, a subtle but
Speaker 1: persistent sense of inauthenticity, a feeling that you are always
Speaker 1: slightly removed from your own life, watching yourself perform rather
Speaker 1: than actually being present. And the question naturally arises, why,
Speaker 1: why this constant sense of performance, Why this feeling of acting?
Speaker 1: What is it about human conversation, about social interaction that
Speaker 1: seems to require this performance rather than simple, direct, authentic meeting.
Speaker 1: The answer, I believe lies in understanding what we are
Speaker 1: actually doing when we engage in conversation, and more fundamentally,
Speaker 1: in understanding what we take ourselves to be and how
Speaker 1: we have learned to present this self to others. From
Speaker 1: a very early age, you learned that there is a
Speaker 1: way you are supposed to be. Your parents had expectations,
Speaker 1: your teachers had expectations, Society had expectations, and these expectations
Speaker 1: were communicated to you in countless subtle and not so
Speaker 1: subtle ways. You learned that certain behaviors were rewarded and
Speaker 1: others were punished. Certain expressions of yourself were met with
Speaker 1: approval while others were met with disapproval or rejection. And gradually,
Speaker 1: through this process of conditioning, you learned to shape yourself,
Speaker 1: to modify yourself, to present a version of yourself that
Speaker 1: would be acceptable, that would gain approval, that would allow
Speaker 1: you to navigate the social world successfully. This is not
Speaker 1: conspiracy or deliberate manipulation. This is simply how human societies function.
Speaker 1: We are social animals, and we must learn to live together,
Speaker 1: to cooperate, to get along. And this requires some degree
Speaker 1: of conformity, some willingness to moderate our behavior, to consider
Speaker 1: how our actions affect others, to participate in the shared
Speaker 1: agreements and understandings that make social life possible. But what
Speaker 1: happens in this process is that you begin to lose
Speaker 1: touch with what you actually are. Beneath all this conditioning,
Speaker 1: beneath all these learned behaviors, beneath all these socially appropriate responses,
Speaker 1: you become so accustomed to presenting the acceptable version of
Speaker 1: yourself that you forget there is anything else. The performance
Speaker 1: becomes so habitual, so automatic, that you no longer even
Speaker 1: recognize it as a performance. You mistake the character you
Speaker 1: are playing for who you actually are, until one day,
Speaker 1: perhaps through some experience, some reflect some moment of insight,
Speaker 1: you suddenly become aware of it. You notice that in
Speaker 1: conversation you are not simply speaking from yourself, not simply
Speaker 1: expressing what you actually think and feel. You are calculating, adjusting, moderating.
Speaker 1: You are choosing words, carefully, monitoring tone, watching the other
Speaker 1: person's response, making sure you are saying the right thing
Speaker 1: in the right way. You are performing. And once you
Speaker 1: become aware of this, once you see it clearly, it
Speaker 1: becomes impossible to unsee. Every conversation becomes transparently an act,
Speaker 1: a performance, a presentation of a character, rather than a
Speaker 1: genuine expression of what you are. Now, let me be
Speaker 1: more specific about what this performance actually consists of. In
Speaker 1: any given conversation, there are multiple things happening simultaneously. On
Speaker 1: the surface, there is the content, the words being exchanged,
Speaker 1: the information being shared, the topics being discussed. But beneath
Speaker 1: the surface, there is an entirely different level of activity.
Speaker 1: There is the management of image, the maintenance of persona,
Speaker 1: the constant adjustment of how you are presenting yourself. You
Speaker 1: are thinking, how am I coming across? Do I seem intelligent, interesting, likable?
Speaker 1: Am I saying the right things? Am I being too
Speaker 1: much or too little? Should I agree with what they
Speaker 1: are saying? Or would disagreement make me seem more interesting?
Speaker 1: Should I share this personal information or would that be
Speaker 1: too revealing? Should I laugh at this moment or would
Speaker 1: that seem forced? And on and on, a constant stream
Speaker 1: of self monitoring, self adjustment, self performance. This is exhausting,
Speaker 1: and the exhaustion is not primarily from the conversation itself,
Speaker 1: but from this constant management of self presentation. You are
Speaker 1: not simply being, You are constantly doing doing the performance
Speaker 1: of being a self that is acceptable, that is likable,
Speaker 1: that is appropriate to the situation. And here is what
Speaker 1: is interesting. The other person is doing exactly the same thing.
Speaker 1: They too are performing managing, adjusting, presenting a carefully curated
Speaker 1: version of themselves. So what you have is not a
Speaker 1: genuine meeting of two human beings, but rather a mutual
Speaker 1: performance two actors on a stage, each presenting a character
Speaker 1: to the other, each watching and responding to the other's
Speaker 1: performance while simultaneously managing their own. No wonder conversation so
Speaker 1: often feels hollow, superficial, unsatisfying because there is no real
Speaker 1: meeting happening. There are just two personas interacting, two masks,
Speaker 1: engaging with each other, while the actual human beings behind
Speaker 1: the masks remain hidden, unknown, unmet. Now this raises an
Speaker 1: important question, is genuine conversation possible? Can two people actually meet,
Speaker 1: actually be authentic with each other, actually drop the performance
Speaker 1: and simply be And the answer is yes, it is possible,
Speaker 1: but it is rare because it requires both people to
Speaker 1: be willing to let go of the performance, to risk
Speaker 1: being seen as they actually are rather than as they
Speaker 1: wish to appear, to surrender the safety of the managed
Speaker 1: persona and step into the vulnerability of genuine presence. Most
Speaker 1: people are not willing to do this, and for good reason.
Speaker 1: The persona, the performed self, serves a protective function. It
Speaker 1: keeps you safe from judgment, from rejection, from the possibility
Speaker 1: of being truly seen and found wanting as long as
Speaker 1: you are performing, as long as you are presenting a
Speaker 1: carefully managed version of yourself. You can tell yourself that
Speaker 1: if others do not like you, it is only the
Speaker 1: performance they are rejecting, not the real you. The real
Speaker 1: you remains safely hidden, protected, never fully exposed to the
Speaker 1: possibility of rejection. But this safety comes at a cost.
Speaker 1: The cost is that you never experience genuine connection. You
Speaker 1: never know what it is to be truly seen and
Speaker 1: truly accepted for what you actually are. You remain isolated
Speaker 1: within your performance, alone behind your mask, even when surrounded
Speaker 1: by people, even when engaged in conversation. And the more
Speaker 1: aware you become of this dynamic, the more transparent it becomes,
Speaker 1: the more exhausting and dissatisfying ordinary conversation feels. Because you
Speaker 1: can see through it. You can see that almost no
Speaker 1: one is actually being themselves. Everyone is performing, everyone is
Speaker 1: managing their image, everyone is hiding behind a carefully constructed persona,
Speaker 1: and you, yourself, continue to do the same, even as
Speaker 1: you see the futility of it, even as you long
Speaker 1: for something more genuine, something more real. So what is
Speaker 1: to be done? How does one break out of this pattern?
Speaker 1: How does one stop performing and start being? The first
Speaker 1: step is simply to see it clearly, to recognize it fully,
Speaker 1: do not judge yourself for it. Do not make yourself
Speaker 1: wrong for performing. Everyone does it. It is part of
Speaker 1: being human, part of being socialized, part of learning to
Speaker 1: navigate the social world. But see it, notice it, watch
Speaker 1: yourself doing it. Become intimately familiar with the mechanisms of
Speaker 1: the performance, how you adjust your words, how you monitor
Speaker 1: your presentation, how you calculate your responses. The second step
Speaker 1: is to begin to distinguish between what is genuine and
Speaker 1: what is performance. In any given moment of conversation, you
Speaker 1: can ask yourself, am I saying this because it is
Speaker 1: what I actually think and feel? Or am I saying
Speaker 1: it because I believe it is what I should say?
Speaker 1: What will be well received, what will make me appear
Speaker 1: in a certain way? And this question, asked sincerely and repeatedly,
Speaker 1: begins to create a gap, a space between the automatic
Speaker 1: performance and conscious choice. The third step, and this is
Speaker 1: the most difficult, is to begin to risk authenticity, to occasionally, carefully,
Speaker 1: in small ways at first, say what you actually think
Speaker 1: rather than what you believe you should say, To express
Speaker 1: what you actually feel rather than what seems appropriate, To
Speaker 1: let yourself be seen just a little, just briefly, without
Speaker 1: the full protection of the performed persona. This is frightening
Speaker 1: because it means risking rejection, risking judgment, risking the possibility
Speaker 1: that who you actually are is not acceptable. But it
Speaker 1: is also liberating because every time you risk authenticity and survive,
Speaker 1: and you will survive far more often than you fear,
Speaker 1: you discover something important. You discover that you are not
Speaker 1: as fragile as you thought. You discover that genuine connection
Speaker 1: is possible. You discover that being yourself, even imperfectly, is
Speaker 1: far more satisfying than perfectly performing a role. Now, let
Speaker 1: me be clear about something. I am not suggesting that
Speaker 1: all social convention should be abandoned, that you should say
Speaker 1: everything you think without filter, that politeness and consideration are unnecessary.
Speaker 1: There is a difference between the performance I am describing
Speaker 1: and simple social courtesy, being kind, being considerate, choosing words
Speaker 1: that will not unnecessarily hurt another. These are not performance.
Speaker 1: These are expressions of genuine care, genuine awareness of how
Speaker 1: your actions affect others. The performance I am describing is different.
Speaker 1: It is the constant management of image, the hiding of
Speaker 1: genuine self, the presentation of a false version of who
Speaker 1: you are in order to gain approval or avoid rejection.
Speaker 1: It is the exhausting work of maintaining a persona that
Speaker 1: you do not believe, but which you have learned is
Speaker 1: necessary for social acceptance. And this performance is maintained not
Speaker 1: out of kindness but out of fear. Fear of being known,
Speaker 1: fear of being rejected, fear of being inadequate. And as
Speaker 1: long as this fear remains unexamined, as long as it
Speaker 1: continues to drive your behavior in conversation, you will continue
Speaker 1: to feel like you are acting because you are. There
Speaker 1: is another dimension to this that is worth exploring. The
Speaker 1: performance is not just about managing how others see you.
Speaker 1: It is also about maintaining your own self image, your
Speaker 1: own idea of who you are. You have constructed an identity,
Speaker 1: a story about yourself. I am this kind of person,
Speaker 1: I believe these things. I value this, I do not
Speaker 1: value that. And you are constantly performing this identity, both
Speaker 1: to others and to yourself. But who you actually are
Speaker 1: is farmer, more fluid, far more complex, far more contradictory
Speaker 1: than any fixed identity could capture. You contain multitudes. You
Speaker 1: have thoughts and feelings and impulses that contradict yourself image
Speaker 1: that do not fit the story you tell about yourself,
Speaker 1: And when these arise in conversation, you suppress them, censor them,
Speaker 1: do not allow them to be expressed, because they threaten
Speaker 1: the coherence of your identity. So the performance is not
Speaker 1: just social, it is also psychological. You are performing for
Speaker 1: yourself as much as for others, constantly trying to prove
Speaker 1: to yourself that you are indeed the person you believe
Speaker 1: yourself to be. And when you begin to see this,
Speaker 1: when you recognize that even your sense of self is
Speaker 1: a kind of performance, something profound can happen. You begin
Speaker 1: to let go of the need to be a consistent, coherent,
Speaker 1: fixed identity. You allow yourself to be fluid, to be contradictory,
Speaker 1: to be different from moment to moment. You stop trying
Speaker 1: to fit yourself into the narrow confines of your self
Speaker 1: concept and allow yourself to be what you actually are,
Speaker 1: which is far larger, far more mysterious, far more alive
Speaker 1: than any concept could contain. And when this happens, conversation
Speaker 1: changes entirely because you are no longer protecting an identity,
Speaker 1: you are no longer managing an image. You are simply here, present,
Speaker 1: responsive to the moment, saying what arises to be said,
Speaker 1: without the constant filter of is this consistent with who
Speaker 1: I am supposed to be? This does not mean you
Speaker 1: become thoughtless or cruel or inappropriate. Quite the opposite. When
Speaker 1: you are not constantly preoccupied with managing your image, you
Speaker 1: become more available to actually listen to the other person,
Speaker 1: to actually be present with them, to actually respond from
Speaker 1: a place of genuine awareness rather than from calculated performance.
Speaker 1: But I must emphasize again this is rare. Most people,
Speaker 1: most of the time, in most conversations, are performing. And
Speaker 1: if you have become aware of this, if you can
Speaker 1: see it clearly, if you recognize your own performance and
Speaker 1: the performance of others, this can create a kind of
Speaker 1: loneliness because you see that genuine meeting is rare, that
Speaker 1: most conversation is theater that most people are relating not
Speaker 1: to each other, but to the personas they present to
Speaker 1: each other. And you may feel that you cannot fully
Speaker 1: participate in this theater any more. You may feel tired
Speaker 1: of performing, tired of managing your image, tired of the
Speaker 1: constant inauthenticity of ordinary social interaction, and this may lead
Speaker 1: you to withdraw somewhat from social engagement, to become more
Speaker 1: selective about whom you spend time with, to prefer silence
Speaker 1: and solitude to the exhaustion of constant performance. This is natural,
Speaker 1: this is understandable, and there is nothing wrong with it.
Speaker 1: But I also want to suggest another possibility. The possible
Speaker 1: of bringing presents to conversation even when the other person
Speaker 1: is performing, even when genuine meeting is not fully available.
Speaker 1: The possibility of being authentic yourself regardless of whether the
Speaker 1: other person can meet you. There, the possibility of letting
Speaker 1: go of the performance on your side, even if the
Speaker 1: other person continues with THEIRS. This is not easy. It
Speaker 1: takes courage, It takes patience, It takes a willingness to
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, to not fit in perfectly, to sometimes have
Speaker 1: your authenticity be misunderstood or rejected. But when you can
Speaker 1: do this, when you can simply be yourself in conversation
Speaker 1: without the constant performance, something shifts. Not always, not with everyone,
Speaker 1: but sometimes your authenticity invites the other person's authenticity. Your
Speaker 1: willingness to drop the mask gives them permission to drop THEIRS,
Speaker 1: and suddenly genuine meeting becomes possible. Suddenly there are two
Speaker 1: human beings, actually present with each other, actually being themselves,
Speaker 1: actually can And these moments, rare as they may be,
Speaker 1: are worth all the awkwardness and discomfort of refusing to perform,
Speaker 1: because these are the moments when you remember what conversation
Speaker 1: can actually be. Not a mutual performance, not a social dance,
Speaker 1: not a management of images, but a genuine communion, a
Speaker 1: real meeting two consciousness is actually touching, actually seeing each other,
Speaker 1: actually being present together. So yes, you feel like you
Speaker 1: are acting in every conversation, and you are, most people are,
Speaker 1: But you do not have to continue this. You can begin, slowly, carefully,
Speaker 1: to let the performance drop. You can begin to risk authenticity.
Speaker 1: You can begin to be yourself, even when it is uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: even when it does not fit the social script, even
Speaker 1: when others do not know how to respond. And as
Speaker 1: you do this, you will discover something wonderful. You will
Speaker 1: discover that you are not your perform performance. You never were.
Speaker 1: The performance was just something you learned to do, a
Speaker 1: survival strategy, a way of navigating a world that seemed
Speaker 1: to demand it. But beneath the performance, before the performance,
Speaker 1: there is something else. There is simply you undefined, unfixed, alive, present,
Speaker 1: capable of genuine expression, capable of genuine connection, capable of
Speaker 1: being in conversation without acting. This is freedom, not the
Speaker 1: freedom to say whatever you want without consequence, but the
Speaker 1: freedom to be what you actually are, without the constant
Speaker 1: burden of pretending to be something else. And from this freedom,
Speaker 1: conversation becomes not a performance but a genuine expression of
Speaker 1: a liveness, a real exchange between two actual human beings
Speaker 1: who are willing to risk being seen, who are willing
Speaker 1: to meet each other beyond the masks, who are willing
Speaker 1: to discover what genuine connection actually feels like.