WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:07.960 on the iHeartRadio. 4 00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:09.839 App KFI AM six forty. 5 00:00:10.119 --> 00:00:11.919 You've got doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 6 00:00:11.960 --> 00:00:14.320 Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I'm taking your calls. The numbers one, 7 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:18.399 eight hundred five to zero one KFI one eight hundred 8 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:19.839 five to zero, one, five. 9 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.120 Three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have next? 10 00:00:22.239 --> 00:00:24.839 We have Fred with a question. Fred. Hi, Fred, It's 11 00:00:24.920 --> 00:00:25.600 doctor Wendy. 12 00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:27.960 Hello, good evening. 13 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:28.960 What's your question. 14 00:00:29.239 --> 00:00:31.719 I'm gone, I got a crazy question for you. I 15 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:34.240 would like to know. I would like to hear your 16 00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:35.000 opinion on this. 17 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:35.520 Okay. 18 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:42.840 I'm sixty one and forty years ago. In nineteen eighty five, Yeah, 19 00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:46.039 there was a girl. I knew her and she's one 20 00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:48.520 year exactly, one year younger than me. I knew her, 21 00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:55.439 but we started dating and we never we never had sex, okay, 22 00:00:55.479 --> 00:00:59.679 but we dated for about four months. I was working 23 00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:01.039 out Colorado, so. 24 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:02.880 You were twenty one and she was twenty with the 25 00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:03.719 last time you did. 26 00:01:03.960 --> 00:01:09.000 Twenty okay, Yeah, it's been that long, and I we 27 00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:13.959 I remember taking her home in my truck. Anyway, I 28 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:16.200 told her, I said, okay, I guess this is where 29 00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:18.079 we shake hands good night, And she said, uh uh, 30 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:22.719 so we kissed good night. But at that point my 31 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:26.799 head exploded and there were fireworks over my head and 32 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:28.439 stars and all kinds of stuff. 33 00:01:28.879 --> 00:01:31.959 Don't you love those neuro hormones? How exciting, Fred? 34 00:01:32.680 --> 00:01:36.319 All the planets were perfectly lined up, and what happened 35 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:39.319 I was just well, I came back here to La 36 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:39.799 to work. 37 00:01:39.799 --> 00:01:40.359 I was working. 38 00:01:40.439 --> 00:01:42.280 I got a real good job out here, you know 39 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:43.120 about So. 40 00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:46.519 After one kiss you'll you'll laughter. 41 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:49.840 I had to come out here and work. We were 42 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:53.159 too young. She lived with her parents and there was 43 00:01:53.239 --> 00:01:55.560 no way she could you know. It's it took me 44 00:01:55.640 --> 00:01:58.319 three years to buy my house and then I took So. 45 00:01:58.319 --> 00:02:02.359 Let me get you recently looked her up online? 46 00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:07.120 No, no, I recently was working in Denver, and out 47 00:02:07.159 --> 00:02:09.159 of the blue I ran into her. 48 00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:11.080 Oh did she remember you? 49 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:11.599 Yeah? 50 00:02:12.039 --> 00:02:12.680 Yeah? Yeah? 51 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:13.800 Oh yeah? 52 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:15.680 And is she married? 53 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:16.199 Right? 54 00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:21.759 No? No, she's asailable, she's just as beautiful as ever 55 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:26.439 as anyways, you know, she's she went through a bad relationship, 56 00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:30.479 so she's you know, she's really sketchy. About, you know, 57 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:33.919 so she should be. I mean, but well, we talk 58 00:02:34.039 --> 00:02:36.520 every day, you know now on the phone, and I'm 59 00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:38.639 gonna go see you in about a month. I'm gonna 60 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:40.360 drive back up there, and I got a load going 61 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:43.400 up there in my truck. I'm a fear but I'm 62 00:02:43.439 --> 00:02:47.240 just thinking. I know, I've never been married, and I 63 00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:50.840 feel like I ruined my life because I was always 64 00:02:50.879 --> 00:02:54.479 searching for that and other women. And I mean, I've daved, 65 00:02:54.599 --> 00:02:57.520 I've had a couple of serious relationships, but I never 66 00:02:57.759 --> 00:03:00.919 ever felt that again. And I'm wondering, is that like 67 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:01.879 that normal? 68 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:05.360 Okay, So there's no such thing as normal when it 69 00:03:05.400 --> 00:03:08.639 comes to love, Fred, What your experience is something called 70 00:03:08.919 --> 00:03:14.039 retro sexual attraction, meaning that at the very beginning of 71 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:17.439 our life, when we have our first love, the attack 72 00:03:17.479 --> 00:03:21.000 of hormones on our brain is so exciting that it 73 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.039 lingers for decades. 74 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:26.240 People literally, if you ask anybody. 75 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:29.439 Over the age of fifty sixty seventy about their first love, 76 00:03:29.879 --> 00:03:32.560 you will watch their face light up. You will see 77 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:34.520 them go into the story of what it was like. 78 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:38.800 You've had the opportunity of running into her again. Now, 79 00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:42.360 my biggest concern, Fred, is what happened between then and 80 00:03:42.520 --> 00:03:46.479 now to you that you were turned off relationships and 81 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:49.719 love for forty years and then all of a sudden 82 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:53.080 it's opened up to you. I mean, we can't judge 83 00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:56.319 the timing, but I just want to make sure that 84 00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:59.360 you don't have kind of an attachment issue and that 85 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:03.159 you might accidentally, without your own knowledge or permission, do 86 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:06.479 something to mess this up. And that's why I always say, 87 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:09.159 you know, get a therapist. You got a wingman who 88 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:12.319 can help you explore your feelings. And the other thing, Fred, 89 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:15.599 move slowly. You already said she's skittish, she's been in 90 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:21.040 a bad relationship, right, So move very very slowly. There's 91 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:25.519 no rush, there's no rush for rush to physically touch, 92 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:30.079 there's no rush for sex. Just go there and enjoy 93 00:04:30.759 --> 00:04:35.040 touching base with somebody from another era of your life. 94 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:37.279 I'm sure you have a lot of people to talk 95 00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:39.240 about from way back. Whatever happened to so and so? 96 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:40.839 Do you know what happened to Sow and Zoe? 97 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:43.240 Right, and just enjoy. 98 00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:47.040 Each other's company. But the more you create anxiety about this, 99 00:04:47.319 --> 00:04:49.759 the worse it'll be for you. So keep it light, 100 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:51.839 have some fun, and call me back and let me 101 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:54.079 know how it goes, Fred, I'm very excited to hear. 102 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:57.360 Oh my god, that's so cute. I'm rooting for them. 103 00:04:57.519 --> 00:05:00.720 I really am rooting for them. Dear Doc, Wendy. I'm 104 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:03.560 going to social now. I am dating someone and there 105 00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:09.040 is a cultural difference. I understand Americans care about how 106 00:05:09.079 --> 00:05:12.839 friendly someone is, but other cultures can be a little 107 00:05:12.839 --> 00:05:16.279 to the point, I can't tell if my guy is 108 00:05:16.360 --> 00:05:19.040 being rude to me or if it's a cultural difference. 109 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:21.160 How do I explore this? 110 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:26.560 You ask or you explain what that feels like from 111 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:30.160 your culture. So if they say something that feels a 112 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:34.839 little rude to you, then all you say is, hey, 113 00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:39.800 that felt very like you're criticizing me. And I'm not 114 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:43.600 sure if you're joking or whether that's your culture, because 115 00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:46.600 in my culture, we don't talk like that to somebody 116 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.600 we care about. So I'm curious to know how it's 117 00:05:49.800 --> 00:05:52.639 what your intention was. It's always a good idea to 118 00:05:52.680 --> 00:05:56.160 ask somebody what was your intention there? What did you 119 00:05:56.279 --> 00:06:00.680 mean by that? Because here's what the experience was to me. Right, 120 00:06:01.079 --> 00:06:03.480 That's all you need to do is just address it, 121 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:08.839 and that's how we all learn to get along. I'll 122 00:06:08.839 --> 00:06:10.399 answer one real quick, because then we got to go, 123 00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:13.519 how long do I date someone before telling them I 124 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:16.600 have an autoimmune disease? You know what this is like 125 00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:19.759 the person who had the trauma early in life with 126 00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:22.839 their straining order. You don't date for very long, but 127 00:06:22.920 --> 00:06:24.600 you also don't tell them on the first phone call 128 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:26.639 or the first coffee date. All right, you don't let 129 00:06:26.680 --> 00:06:28.160 it go on where they start falling in love with 130 00:06:28.199 --> 00:06:30.279 you and then blah blah blah blah blah. Right, I 131 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:34.399 would say, you know, as you start to build intimacy 132 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:37.839 and trust and you see it's reciprocal, they're opening up 133 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:41.480 to you, that's the time to explain this stuff, all right. 134 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:42.720 When we come back. 135 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:50.000 The new thing interpersonal intelligence versus intra personal intelligence. I'll 136 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:52.199 explain the difference when we come back. You're listening to 137 00:06:52.199 --> 00:06:54.839 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty 138 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:57.120 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 139 00:06:57.560 --> 00:07:01.759 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 140 00:07:01.959 --> 00:07:04.600 AM six forty Welcome. 141 00:07:04.199 --> 00:07:07.079 Back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six 142 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:08.839 forty Live everywhere on. 143 00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:11.560 The iHeartRadio app. Can we talk. 144 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:15.759 About your interpersonal intelligence. You know, that's very different from 145 00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:21.759 your intra personal intelligence. Actually, I teach a class on intelligence, 146 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:24.360 and I always tell the students that some other are 147 00:07:24.360 --> 00:07:27.519 going to get this wrong on the exam. The definitions 148 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:32.040 intra means insight inside yourself, being aware of your own feelings, 149 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:35.759 being authentic, being able to have some emotional intelligence about 150 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:40.160 managing your own feelings, expressing your feelings to other But 151 00:07:40.480 --> 00:07:47.639 inter personal intelligence is now becoming very in vogue. So 152 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:53.399 maybe one time, maybe your partner somebody you're with, gave 153 00:07:53.480 --> 00:07:57.639 you really unhelpful advice. You know, when people say things like, well, 154 00:07:57.639 --> 00:08:00.560 things are going to get better or you'll get over it, 155 00:08:01.560 --> 00:08:03.959 and you're really not in the mood to hear these things. 156 00:08:04.040 --> 00:08:05.839 In fact, when they say that kind of stuff, it 157 00:08:05.879 --> 00:08:10.319 makes you feel worse. And on top of it, your 158 00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:13.199 partner doesn't even understand why you need help. I don't 159 00:08:13.319 --> 00:08:15.480 understand why it's such a big deal. You're making a 160 00:08:15.480 --> 00:08:17.879 mountain out of a mole hill. That's what people say, 161 00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:20.920 right well, according to a new study at the University 162 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:25.519 of California, Santa Barbara, the world of emotion regulation research 163 00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:30.079 is actually undergoing a big shift. We are moving away 164 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:36.000 from intra personal meaning emotions within yourself to interpersonal getting 165 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:37.559 some help from someone else. 166 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:38.360 You know. 167 00:08:38.440 --> 00:08:42.720 I like to say that a healthy relationship is interdependent. 168 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:45.519 You don't want two people who are too independent. You 169 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:48.039 don't want people who are too dependent on each other. 170 00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:53.399 You want people who are healthfully interdependent, taking turns leaning 171 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:57.240 on each other's shoulders. So researchers at the University of 172 00:08:57.240 --> 00:09:01.799 California Santa Barbara say, but obviously, couples who have higher 173 00:09:01.840 --> 00:09:05.240 emotional intimacy with each other are better at regulating each 174 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:09.879 other's emotions because love helps you become more motivated to 175 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:12.799 calm your partner down, to reset their mood. 176 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:14.840 So the way they did this study is. 177 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:18.840 Really interesting is they would read these vignettes about life 178 00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:22.080 to people the participants, and some were positive, some were negative, 179 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:25.759 and then for each one they would say, okay, so 180 00:09:25.879 --> 00:09:28.799 here's eight different emotions. Words for emotions you know, might 181 00:09:28.840 --> 00:09:33.440 be proud, excited, guilty, angry, afraid. At which emotion do 182 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:37.519 you think the person is going to experience when. 183 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:38.159 This happens to them? 184 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:42.399 And then they ask the partner, if this happened to 185 00:09:42.440 --> 00:09:45.360 you and you were feeling bad, what would you like 186 00:09:45.399 --> 00:09:48.919 to hear your partner say right, And so here's an example. 187 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.200 Like they're very kind of vague and could be interpreted 188 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:55.399 in any way. So here's one from the study. The 189 00:09:55.480 --> 00:09:59.399 riskwatch I inherited from my great grandfather stopped working this morning. 190 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:01.039 Repair said there's no. 191 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:03.360 Way to fix it. It was so old. 192 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:06.120 I hardly used it. I know it's just an object, 193 00:10:06.279 --> 00:10:08.960 but it's been in my family for ages. I wish 194 00:10:09.039 --> 00:10:11.840 there was a way to get it working again. I 195 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:13.399 will stay right here. There's going to be a gender 196 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:15.759 divide in the answers. If the person reading this is 197 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:17.440 a female, the dude's going to want to find a 198 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:18.000 way to fix it. 199 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:19.639 I'm guys like to fix problems. 200 00:10:19.639 --> 00:10:22.480 They think the answer is fixing, but instead the researchers 201 00:10:22.519 --> 00:10:26.039 say what emotion do you think your partner will experience? 202 00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:28.679 Of course they're also asking the partner privately, what would 203 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.600 this do to you? Write this feeling? And then what 204 00:10:31.639 --> 00:10:33.919 would you say to them to help them feel better? 205 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:36.159 And then they asked the partner what would you like, 206 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:38.480 not in front of them, what would you like? So 207 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:44.080 what they found out is that people who have better 208 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:47.559 Now I'm going to use that word again, intra personal. Sorry, Yeah, 209 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:52.000 intra personal intelligence, meaning they have can sense their own feelings, 210 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:54.519 They know that feeling in their stomach, and they have 211 00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:58.480 a word for it. They tend to be more empathetic 212 00:10:58.519 --> 00:11:04.720 and be more accurate in guessing their partner's emotions. Also, 213 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:07.519 I'm surprised to have to say this, people have an 214 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:10.799 avoidant attachment style. We're really clueless about how to help 215 00:11:10.840 --> 00:11:15.679 their partners. But here's the big news. Empathy isn't a 216 00:11:15.720 --> 00:11:19.120 trait you're born with. Yes, to some degree, some people 217 00:11:19.200 --> 00:11:23.519 are higher they're more empathetic than others. But it is 218 00:11:23.639 --> 00:11:27.679 also a skill that can be cultivated and strengthened. And 219 00:11:27.720 --> 00:11:31.080 there's all kinds of things you can do that are 220 00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:37.159 backed by science. Number one, taking someone else's perspective, literally 221 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:39.759 walking in someone's shoes when something else is going on, 222 00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:42.919 asking yourself, hmm, what would it. 223 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:45.960 Be like if I were them? What would it like? 224 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:50.360 Literally asking that question all the time, imagining the other 225 00:11:50.399 --> 00:11:53.639 person's point of view. You can actually hone a skill 226 00:11:53.720 --> 00:11:57.320 and a practice to have more empathy by just constantly 227 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.679 asking yourself, huh, what would it feel like to be them? 228 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:01.720 Right now? 229 00:12:02.639 --> 00:12:06.600 There's also research to support the idea that mindfulness met 230 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:12.840 meditation improves emotional regulation and even attunement to other people's emotions. 231 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:17.039 This one study that was published in Psychological Science found 232 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:23.200 that just two weeks of practicing loving kindness meditation increase 233 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:27.039 brain activity in areas associated with empathy. See here's the thing. 234 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:32.879 When you're meditating, you're hopefully told to allow anything, respect it, 235 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:36.240 love it, love yourself, love others. Just breathe, just relax, 236 00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:41.200 let the feelings come. It's everything's okay. Non judgmental awareness 237 00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:45.360 of our feelings, and that helps us have empathy for others. 238 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:48.519 Here's one of my favorites. If you're somebody who only 239 00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:52.559 reads nonfiction, get off that junk. You need to read 240 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:58.200 literary fiction. Or you have complex characters and they have 241 00:12:58.279 --> 00:13:02.559 a whole stream of different emotions, right, this will help 242 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:07.639 you understand other people's thoughts and emotions. Literally, just reading 243 00:13:07.759 --> 00:13:14.799 more good literary fiction will increase your emotional intelligence. And finally, 244 00:13:15.799 --> 00:13:18.639 just spending more time with people from different backgrounds, okay, 245 00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:24.440 whether it's different races, different genders, different ages, different origins, 246 00:13:24.720 --> 00:13:29.320 countries of origin, just to understand their perspectives, people with 247 00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:33.440 different political views, people with different religious views. Just spending 248 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:38.200 time asking questions not being rude, not rudely criticizing, but 249 00:13:38.519 --> 00:13:41.919 understand trying to understand their perspective. This can open up 250 00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:45.120 your mind. And here's the best news of all. Our 251 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:50.919 brain is plastic brain. Plasticity is on your side. Empathy 252 00:13:51.559 --> 00:13:57.039 is linked to neurocircuits involving what's called the mirror neur neurons, sorry, 253 00:13:57.080 --> 00:14:02.240 the mirror neuron system. And this will actually grow. I 254 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:05.080 like to say a lot of these behaviors, if you 255 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:09.039 continue to do them, will grow new super highways, new lanes, 256 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:14.919 new offshoots. It's called intentional repetition. So simply put, if 257 00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:20.000 you practice empathy, you can literally rewire your brain for it. 258 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:25.360 And this is what you need to have a healthy relationship. Hey, 259 00:14:25.399 --> 00:14:27.960 we come back. I have a very special guest. I'm 260 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:31.159 so excited to have him on the show. He's the 261 00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:36.799 co host of the podcast called Love Factually, and he's 262 00:14:36.840 --> 00:14:40.799 a researcher in interpersonal relationships and he's got some interesting 263 00:14:40.919 --> 00:14:44.000 things to say about love. You're listening to the Dr 264 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:46.799 Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 265 00:14:46.919 --> 00:14:48.960 everywhere in the iHeartRadio app. 266 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:54.240 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 267 00:14:54.480 --> 00:14:55.679 AM six forty. 268 00:14:57.159 --> 00:14:59.399 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 269 00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:04.000 AMCIX live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Now, I'm about 270 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:06.240 to fan girl again. You know I do this every 271 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:08.600 once in a while, I get somebody on the show 272 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:12.960 who I'm actually a big fan of. And this week's 273 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:16.960 guest is doctor Paul Eastwick. He's a professor at UC Davis. 274 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:21.360 But get this, he runs a lab where he does 275 00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:26.840 research on all my favorite subjects, attraction relationships. But also 276 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:30.399 he's cool because he's co hosting the podcast Love Factually, 277 00:15:30.840 --> 00:15:33.200 of course, available on the iHeartRadio app. 278 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:37.759 This is Love Factually, the podcast that analyzes rom coms 279 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:41.559 and romantic films using the science of close relationships. 280 00:15:41.799 --> 00:15:43.960 So as want to be film critics, We're going to 281 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:45.120 meet the people where they are. 282 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:48.279 This podcast is about what the movies get right and 283 00:15:48.519 --> 00:15:51.159 wrong about how relationships actually were. 284 00:15:51.559 --> 00:15:53.240 Hi, doctor Paul, how are you? 285 00:15:54.679 --> 00:15:54.840 Hi? 286 00:15:55.279 --> 00:15:56.080 Very goodness? 287 00:15:56.080 --> 00:15:58.120 Thanks someone for having me on today. 288 00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:00.480 You didn't know that i'mould be fangirl on you on 289 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:01.039 live radio. 290 00:16:01.320 --> 00:16:03.639 Yeah right right, Okay, I'm ready. I'll see if I. 291 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:04.320 Can live up to them. 292 00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:07.159 Okay, So what I want to talk about We don't 293 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:09.679 have a whole lot of time, but what I like 294 00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:13.039 to talk about is your mate evaluation theory. But before 295 00:16:13.080 --> 00:16:15.840 we do that, I need to know the story behind 296 00:16:16.399 --> 00:16:21.360 Love Factually. It is such a brilliant title for your podcast. 297 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.440 What is the podcast Love Factually? 298 00:16:25.720 --> 00:16:29.120 And yes, So the basic idea behind the podcast is, 299 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:33.799 along with my longtime collaborator and now co host, Eli Finkle, 300 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:38.399 we take the science of close relationships is we have 301 00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:41.399 understood it and internalized it over the years, and what 302 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:44.960 we do is we talk about how various rom coms 303 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:49.240 and romantic films reflect what we know in the science, 304 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:52.440 either what the films are getting right or what they're 305 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:53.639 kind of mangling. 306 00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:56.080 Well, I'm going to tell you that I have always 307 00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:58.480 said what they get wrong pretty much one hundred percent 308 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:02.559 of them is that they they end at the beginning 309 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:04.119 of a relationship. 310 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:09.440 That is is a fantastic point. There's so many of 311 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:13.480 those films that classically do that right. You get what 312 00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:16.960 you're doing, You're seeing what amounts to something like the 313 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:20.359 first ten percent of the relationship, and that's part is 314 00:17:20.359 --> 00:17:22.839 supposed to make it feel good and like say, send 315 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:27.680 you home feeling happy and look sometimes they depict that 316 00:17:27.880 --> 00:17:31.359 early ten percent. Well, but we've got to acknowledge that 317 00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.839 there's a lot left to come when the movies end, 318 00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:36.799 when the couple gets together, right and. 319 00:17:36.759 --> 00:17:40.960 They get past their limerins and move into intellectual commitment 320 00:17:41.079 --> 00:17:41.759 kind of love. 321 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:43.799 Yeah. 322 00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:46.880 Now, we've covered plenty of movies that do cover the 323 00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:49.440 whole art. It's actually kind of tough if we want 324 00:17:49.480 --> 00:17:51.960 to give the movies a break. It's tough to go 325 00:17:52.039 --> 00:17:55.599 from beginning all the way to the end. Right, Are 326 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:59.000 there any la Land is one that does it really well? 327 00:17:59.160 --> 00:17:59.359 Yeah? 328 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:02.079 I mean also the Notebook, Come on. 329 00:18:02.440 --> 00:18:06.160 The note right right, That is one of the view 330 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:10.759 that goes from the beginning to end. Really the end 331 00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:14.680 the spoiler alertly yeah, really the end literally the Notebook. Yeah. 332 00:18:14.839 --> 00:18:19.720 But but they're out there, and and we like to give, 333 00:18:20.440 --> 00:18:23.440 you know, you know, accolades to those movies that pull 334 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:23.799 it off. 335 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:27.799 So moving from the podcast onto some of your research. 336 00:18:28.359 --> 00:18:29.240 Uh. 337 00:18:29.279 --> 00:18:32.640 One of your most famous studies has to do with 338 00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:38.160 something called mate evaluation theory, and it basically talks about 339 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:43.759 how people analyze, evaluate, make selection for potential mates. 340 00:18:43.880 --> 00:18:45.640 And and I read the. 341 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.160 Whole study today because what I do is I turn 342 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:50.640 it into language everyone can understand. And now I'm going 343 00:18:50.680 --> 00:18:52.440 to have you correct me if I say it wrong. 344 00:18:53.720 --> 00:18:55.480 I'm ready, I'm ready. 345 00:18:55.920 --> 00:19:00.880 There are basically five ways that people evaluate a mate. Right, First, 346 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:06.480 you talk about something called shared evolved mechanisms. 347 00:19:05.559 --> 00:19:07.119 And cultural scripts. 348 00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:12.279 Is this David Buss's evolutionary stuff. I'm hearing that women 349 00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:15.240 like men who are tall, and men like women who 350 00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:19.519 are fertile and roundt Yeah, really. 351 00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:24.079 It is is definitely meant to encompass that. Right. So 352 00:19:24.519 --> 00:19:28.720 anything that's like agreed upon, whether the reason for agreement 353 00:19:28.839 --> 00:19:31.680 is there something evolved in the mind that this is 354 00:19:31.720 --> 00:19:34.720 appealing to who we are as a species on average, 355 00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:38.720 or because I don't know, we've decided in this culture 356 00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:42.799 that you know, it's appealing if you can like make 357 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:45.920 really great TikTok videos like actually. 358 00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:47.119 Right, this is attractive. 359 00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:49.759 I mean, I will say, I'm a woman of a 360 00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:53.119 certain age, and I've watched female body shape change over 361 00:19:53.119 --> 00:19:56.480 the years, and in the nineteen eighties it was the 362 00:19:56.519 --> 00:19:58.559 advent of the boob job, and it was very exciting 363 00:19:58.599 --> 00:20:01.839 to suddenly see breasts on every and now it's all 364 00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:07.359 about but right, So that's one example of a cultural script. 365 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:09.440 All right, moving on number. 366 00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:14.160 Two individual differences that affect how a perceiver. That's somebody 367 00:20:14.200 --> 00:20:17.599 who's attracted to somebody views all potential mates. So is 368 00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:21.319 this like somebody's deal breaker list, Like this is my checklist, 369 00:20:21.400 --> 00:20:22.440 these are things I'm looking for. 370 00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:26.880 I would think of this one as like this is 371 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:31.160 like people's own personality. So some people are happy people, 372 00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:33.720 and honestly, they're going to be happy in whatever relationship 373 00:20:33.759 --> 00:20:36.640 you put them in. And some people they're not so 374 00:20:36.759 --> 00:20:39.240 much and they're going to be kind of miserable in 375 00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:43.039 whatever relationship you put them in. So that's this component. 376 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:46.240 It's kind of like is your lens that you take 377 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.640 to the whole world and it doesn't matter who you're with. 378 00:20:50.119 --> 00:20:55.440 Interesting because my new husband, Julio, he is a giggly 379 00:20:55.519 --> 00:20:58.240 Dominican and he's the happiest person. 380 00:20:58.000 --> 00:20:59.319 I've ever met in my life. 381 00:20:59.440 --> 00:20:59.799 There you go. 382 00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:02.880 Then I'm met his whole family in Dominican Republic and 383 00:21:02.920 --> 00:21:06.200 they all giggle. I was like, Wow, it's a cultural thing. 384 00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:10.720 This is cool. Yep, so happy with anybody, even me. 385 00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:14.839 Yeah, there you go, and like, look, don't feel bad. 386 00:21:15.079 --> 00:21:20.000 It's a really good good thing to be to have 387 00:21:20.079 --> 00:21:21.960 a little bit of some rose colored glasses. 388 00:21:21.960 --> 00:21:22.839 As you view the boy. 389 00:21:22.880 --> 00:21:25.240 Oh yes, I have to reel him back in all 390 00:21:25.319 --> 00:21:27.119 the time, as his optimism. 391 00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:29.599 Is a little too high. Uh okay, moving on to 392 00:21:29.640 --> 00:21:30.160 the third one. 393 00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:36.119 Individual differences that affect how a perceiver views some targets 394 00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:37.960 depending on the target's feature. 395 00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:40.119 So let me take a crack at this. Yeah, so 396 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:41.319 would this be correct? 397 00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:46.240 Maybe somebody with an anxious attachment style might look at 398 00:21:46.279 --> 00:21:51.359 a partner's emotional passion and intensity as being really attractive. 399 00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:56.039 But if that person looking is avoidant, they might feel smothered. 400 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:00.799 That's a great example. Yeah, I mean this also would 401 00:22:00.839 --> 00:22:03.920