WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.519 It was still dark when Vanessa slid out of bits 2 00:00:06.519 --> 00:00:09.359 so carefully, so quietly, she barely rustled the sheets where 3 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:11.960 my arm had rested. I woke to the mutic click 4 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:15.039 of the bedroom door shutting. At first, I stayed still, 5 00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:17.519 listening for her soft tread on the howyboards, holding my 6 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:19.519 breath away you do when you've been startled awake in 7 00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:21.640 the dead of night. But all I heard was the 8 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:23.760 hush of the house, the furnace sigh, a distant or 9 00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:26.120 of a car some way down on our street. She'd 10 00:00:26.199 --> 00:00:29.079 left a note on my nightstent. That part stuck with me, 11 00:00:29.160 --> 00:00:30.760 not a text, not a whisper good bye in the 12 00:00:30.760 --> 00:00:33.759 half light, but posted in her even almost formal handwriting 13 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:37.479 cycling group, see you by noon, Love You. I sat up, 14 00:00:37.479 --> 00:00:41.600 blinking cycling group. She'd only ever joked half heartedly about 15 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.159 joining one of the neighborhoods morning where I cruised, nothing serious, 16 00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:47.000 just casual envy of the matching jerseys and catheen rituals 17 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:49.159 before we'd head to our own thing at the tennis club. 18 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:52.439 She'd never left before sunrise like this, not without looping 19 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:54.840 me in, not without at least dressing noisily and asking 20 00:00:54.840 --> 00:00:57.280 if I was sure, Really, I didn't want to cobbload 21 00:00:57.320 --> 00:00:59.840 and brave the licro tribe. Her closet was open. One 22 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:02.159 of the folding doors never closed, right a casualty of 23 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:05.280 our last a Qui Assembly marathon. My eyes drifted there 24 00:01:05.959 --> 00:01:09.319 these stacks of tennis skirts, folded towels, bright sports brows. 25 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:12.640 Her racket in its carrying case leaned against the far wall, 26 00:01:13.239 --> 00:01:16.200 shoes lined up under the low shelf. The cycling shorts 27 00:01:16.200 --> 00:01:18.200 went next to her running staff, but her tennis gear 28 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:21.000 hadn't moved. Nothing about the closet looked as stout except 29 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:23.959 for one missing sports tank. I rubbed my eyes, checked 30 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.480 the clock, five thirty seven a m. This used to 31 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:28.480 be our time, the one morning we both stayed in 32 00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:30.480 bed late let in the city around us rush off 33 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:32.879 to farmers markets or dog parks while we dozed to 34 00:01:32.920 --> 00:01:36.040 read news ladder. If we were ambitious, made elaborate breakfast 35 00:01:36.120 --> 00:01:41.200 plans that rarely materialized. Saturday mornings were always sacred. Vanessa 36 00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:44.000 said that after a childhood of relentless extra curriculus, what 37 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:45.879 she wanted most as an adult was a weekend that 38 00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:49.519 didn't feel scheduled down to the second. Usually we protected 39 00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:52.840 it even the tennis meet ups only started at nine thirty, 40 00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:56.159 with plenty of time for laziness beforehand. I lay there 41 00:01:56.200 --> 00:01:57.959 trying to decide if I was being waged to notice 42 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.640 the detail about the closet. She could have worn her 43 00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:03.200 cycling stuff out under her coat. Maybe it was a 44 00:02:03.239 --> 00:02:05.159 new group, Maybe it was something she'd meant to tell me, 45 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.599 just forgot to mention. I padded to the kitchen. No 46 00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:11.280 trace at breakfast, but a sticky note on the fridge, 47 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:13.840 Coffee's set for you, love out early sea by noon. 48 00:02:13.960 --> 00:02:16.120 The second line is slighted endum, like she wanted to 49 00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:19.680 clarify or reassure beneath it her usual looping heart, the 50 00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:21.479 V at the center a little too sharp when I 51 00:02:21.479 --> 00:02:23.400 compared it to how she used to doodle my initials 52 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:25.360 in hers when we first moved in three years back. 53 00:02:26.120 --> 00:02:27.719 I tried to shake it off, the feeling that I 54 00:02:27.800 --> 00:02:29.680 was searching for something more in the note. The odd 55 00:02:29.719 --> 00:02:32.919 time I made coffee, worked a pseudoku at the kitchen island, 56 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:34.960 and by eight I'd managed to convince myself she just 57 00:02:35.039 --> 00:02:38.400 needed her space. Still sad ad it felt strange without her. 58 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:41.319 By noon, as promise, I heard the front door key's 59 00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:44.080 rattling in the lock. I glanced up from my laptop, 60 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.439 expecting the familiar greeting, the run down of rout and ride, 61 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.599 a neighborhood gossip. But Vanessa slunk in head down, sung 62 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:52.400 luss is still on despite the muted light outside. She 63 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:54.680 dumped her bag by the door, shoved out of her jacket, 64 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:58.759 and looked anywhere but at me. Hey backhurly. I tried 65 00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.560 for normal men, legs or toase. She gave a tired 66 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:05.560 approximation of a smile, not quite meeting my eye. I 67 00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:07.599 watched her cross at the whole bathroom, the good shower, 68 00:03:07.639 --> 00:03:10.439 not the main one we usually used. She shut the door, 69 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:13.199 twisted a lock, and the spray came on. She used 70 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:15.000 to always ask me to hang out while she washed 71 00:03:15.080 --> 00:03:17.680 up after tennis, inviting me into the steamy, chaos plotting 72 00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:20.919 brunch menu. As comparing battle wounds to day, she didn't 73 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:23.080 call out for advil or her favorite eucalyptus wash. I 74 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:25.439 heard only silence, the strain of pipes, the rattle as 75 00:03:25.479 --> 00:03:28.520 she opened what sounded like the medicine cabin. She emerged 76 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:31.280 fifteen minutes later, her hair pulled back, wet, face flushed 77 00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:33.879 and dropped onto the couch with a soft groan. I 78 00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:35.879 noticed she kept her nast thrown to her chest, arms 79 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:39.080 wrapped around them. She thumb distractedly at her frown, flipped 80 00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:42.159 through magazine without seeming to read a word. I offered 81 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:44.879 to make us eggs, but she shook her head, said 82 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:48.120 she just wanted water. I brought her a bottle, set 83 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:50.360 it on the end table, and she smiled tight over polight. 84 00:03:51.039 --> 00:03:54.360 Saturday's slow energy was gone. We moved through the kitchen 85 00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:57.039 and living room as if performing beside one another, not with. 86 00:03:57.800 --> 00:04:00.159 Vanessa kept glancing out the window, then back at her 87 00:04:00.439 --> 00:04:02.439 until the familiar ding of a text brot the QoI. 88 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:06.560 I checked my own phone reflexively, not Then a new 89 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:08.840 message blinked on Vanessa's lockscreen. She let it sit for 90 00:04:08.840 --> 00:04:11.400 a beat before responding, then tucked the device between the 91 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:16.519 couch cushions. Minutes later, it mind buzzed Carley. I unlocked it, 92 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:19.439 thumb hovering, expecting some tennis gossip or dinner planning for 93 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:24.399 next week. No tennis today, Carle's message read, must be 94 00:04:24.439 --> 00:04:27.680 Carley's habit. She always added Moji's, this time a winking racket. 95 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:31.160 I stare for a second I type back keep, meaning 96 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:34.240 to try Vanessa's new cycling madness I didn't know ness 97 00:04:34.279 --> 00:04:37.360 finally joined she always bails on our rides, came Carley's reply, 98 00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:40.759 Then nothing more. I pocketed my phone, glanced over at Vanessa. 99 00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:43.639 She was scrolling through something with far more animation than 100 00:04:43.639 --> 00:04:46.399 she chruan since walking in. She caught my look and 101 00:04:46.439 --> 00:04:48.680 flashed a smile so wide and even it looked pasted on. 102 00:04:49.319 --> 00:04:51.639 I wanted to believe her. For years believing each other 103 00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:54.759 had never been work. If she said cycling, cycling, it was. 104 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:58.040 But the note the closet, Carley's texts her withdrawal from 105 00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:00.680 our usual tennis crowdful. These tiny puzzle pe didn't fit. 106 00:05:01.399 --> 00:05:03.079 I thought about how she used to beg me to 107 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:06.279 try her interests. Two merged hobbies, merged lives, marriage, everything 108 00:05:06.279 --> 00:05:09.120 but the laundry baskets. Why was the cycling group, if 109 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:11.839 it even existed, it so emphatically not for me. For 110 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:13.839 the rest of the afternoon, I couldn't shake the sense 111 00:05:13.879 --> 00:05:15.720 of a riddle and solve living between her and me 112 00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:18.279 in a quiet space where trust should have been six 113 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:20.879 years of marriage, and in that moment I felt strangely 114 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:22.959 like we were back at phase one. Two people circling, 115 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:27.240 valiating gamesmanship, brewing beneath the surface. It's ridiculous, I thought, 116 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:30.480 not your business to police. One Saturday morning. We're allowed 117 00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.959 private things, but all day Vanessa's conversation was a careful 118 00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:36.800 down to her answers, too brief, her attention drifting. When 119 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:39.120 our friend Robert called to talk about an upcoming double date, 120 00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:41.560 Vanessa let it go to voicemailand later told me to 121 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:44.120 set up whatever you want. Time wiped out. Her tone 122 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:45.959 was neutral, but in a way I'd only hurt when 123 00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:49.600 she was bracing herself for what I couldn't say. I 124 00:05:49.639 --> 00:05:52.560 busied myself at Charles Playlists, an online chess match that 125 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:55.240 ran much longer than usual because I kept miscalculating my 126 00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:58.199 next move. By the time the sunset, I'd replate every 127 00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:00.000 step of the morning so many times. It all felt 128 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:02.319 faintly ridiculous, the way your mind looked back to her 129 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:05.319 sticking point. After an argument that night, we went to 130 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:08.639 bed wordlessly. Vanessa curled away from me, the faintest edge 131 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:11.639 of them, familiar perfume lingering on her pillar. I watched 132 00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:14.279 the ceiling, listening to the evenness of her breath, wishing 133 00:06:14.279 --> 00:06:16.279 for the familiar warmth and ease. I had always counted 134 00:06:16.279 --> 00:06:18.959 on the nerves or doubt, crept in sleep when it 135 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:22.000 came brought no relief. I dreamed in riddle, cycling past 136 00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:24.279 the doubled, back to the start to tennis rallies, where 137 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:27.399 every bull mist a lins by inches. Vanessa's face blurred 138 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:30.720 out of focus, always drifting out of reach. Our story 139 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:33.360 didn't begin in confusion. If anything, we were built on 140 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:36.800 finding each other in nausey, crowded spaces. I first met 141 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:39.759 Vanessa to denver hack, then wedged between a sponsored table 142 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:41.839 and a white word smudged with bad pseudo coat, both 143 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:43.959 of us eyeing the other's approached to a silver bug. 144 00:06:44.720 --> 00:06:46.680 She dared me right then to solve it before she 145 00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:48.639 did a challenge, neither of us one, but which, as 146 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:50.519 she later said, with that impishtilt of her chin, I 147 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:53.079 was the clearer runner up. Crush, I like the wish. 148 00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:56.120 She argued, all quick logic, no mercy for some excuses, 149 00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.639 but always grinning, letting the sharpest land safely. We worked 150 00:06:59.639 --> 00:07:02.920 for different start ups, compared Techorus stories. Ended the evening 151 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:05.199 on a curb outside Union Station, with the burrito and 152 00:07:05.240 --> 00:07:07.360 the mutual confession out of dating in tech feels like 153 00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:11.199 another unpaid gig. By spring, we'd merged Saturday tennis matches, 154 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:15.480 rare Sunday summits, joined friend circles. Vanessa dragged me hiking 155 00:07:15.480 --> 00:07:18.120 in the fretills when I preferred city trails. I introduced 156 00:07:18.120 --> 00:07:20.920 her to the slow meditation of classic films, arguments about 157 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:23.959 cubric versus Spielberg, which of us had more embarrassing exes? 158 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:27.240 Who won at beer Palm. We started running together, only 159 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:31.040 to discover we both hated running. Completed the boulder, try, eat, drink, 160 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:34.800 eat again once, still claiming athleticism for the photos. Our 161 00:07:34.839 --> 00:07:37.800 marriage was built on collaboration, little rituals, sharing the New 162 00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:41.160 York Times crosswords, scolding each other for late night slack replies, 163 00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:43.120 put in groceries by who could find the most of 164 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:46.399 Keokombocher weekends were mostly for us O our Motley Crewe 165 00:07:46.439 --> 00:07:48.759 tennis or doubles at the public, Court's prunch with Vanessa's 166 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:51.839 local college buddies, or impromptu dinner parties where she held court. 167 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:56.040 Vanessa was the social catalyst, always group texting, calling people 168 00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:59.680 found joking about running Denver's friend economy. I trailed behind, 169 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:01.720 but lock that she never left any one out, not 170 00:08:01.800 --> 00:08:04.279 even the odd engineer who couldn't finish a conversation without 171 00:08:04.279 --> 00:08:07.279 glancing at server. Work kept as busy. Vanessa to saw 172 00:08:07.399 --> 00:08:09.839 S Company, where drama spark daily, me tucked into the 173 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.879 diff side of a robotics ferrem. Her office burned bright 174 00:08:12.920 --> 00:08:15.480 and fast, people moving up or burning up. When she 175 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:19.040 started coming home heavier quiet. I tried harder, joked, plan vacations, 176 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.120 reached out to her friends as much as my own. 177 00:08:21.600 --> 00:08:24.240 We'd promised after her last bad product launch and my 178 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:26.199 new team lead roll that we'd pick up the load 179 00:08:26.240 --> 00:08:29.680 for each other. No pride allowed. Family was a background track. 180 00:08:29.800 --> 00:08:32.360 Her folks left twenty minutes across town, but we seldom 181 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:34.879 visited in ever much knee, both of us allergic to 182 00:08:34.919 --> 00:08:38.360 family drama, ChIL free by design. We loved our friends kids, 183 00:08:38.360 --> 00:08:40.440 but babies had rarely just enough to be invited to 184 00:08:40.440 --> 00:08:43.960 both days and escape before meltown hour. Vanessa sometimes with 185 00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:46.759 Drew Burron behind a book a podcast, snapping at me 186 00:08:46.840 --> 00:08:49.679 to stop with fixing her moods. I felt the sting 187 00:08:49.720 --> 00:08:52.039 of being left before after a string of shallow post 188 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:55.039 college relationships in one near marriage, the vaporized weeks before 189 00:08:55.080 --> 00:08:59.120 the date. I sometimes have vernalyzed. Vanessa sometimes ran to privacy. 190 00:08:59.639 --> 00:09:02.559 For year, we survived this meeting halfway forgiving each other's 191 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:04.919 weak moments, stoock in the fire every time the routine 192 00:09:04.919 --> 00:09:07.919 got too thick. Lately, she was restless, her job winding 193 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:10.559 her tight. She had admitted to crying in work bathrooms, 194 00:09:10.639 --> 00:09:13.559 hating her boss, killed for not grinding harder, then gild 195 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:17.039 again for letting worker in her weekends. Our promise was mutual. 196 00:09:17.080 --> 00:09:20.279 If it gets too much, speak up, don't vanish, don't 197 00:09:20.279 --> 00:09:22.879 go it alone. Yet here we were on this Saturday, 198 00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:26.080 Vanessica Cundon's silence after a supposed cycling may mind mapping 199 00:09:26.120 --> 00:09:29.200 the cracks I couldn't explain. Sunday morning, I waited for 200 00:09:29.240 --> 00:09:32.960 her to suggest brunch or hike anything. Instead, she seen content, 201 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.919 tinker with laundry, scroll her phone, anser basic work emails. 202 00:09:36.559 --> 00:09:39.200 That evening, I texted dinner plans to both our groups. 203 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.879 She vetoed both too, tired, Babe rainshack. During these stretches 204 00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:45.879 of quiet, I pictured her at that cycling group, the 205 00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:48.639 one I had never seen, never been invited to, never 206 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:51.399 even glimpsed on her calendar. I wondered if there was 207 00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:53.600 some cord between us coming untied, or if I was 208 00:09:53.639 --> 00:09:55.840 just haunted by the ghosts of old failures, spinning a 209 00:09:55.919 --> 00:09:59.159 story from shadows. But Vanessa's eyes, when I caught them, 210 00:09:59.159 --> 00:10:01.039 seemed shuddered in a way I hadn't felt in all 211 00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:04.759 our years. The next weekend, she announced casually, too casually, 212 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:08.360 that she'd be up early again. Cycling girls were starting earlier, 213 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:10.799 getting the jump on the morning heat, she said. Lacing 214 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:13.600 her shoes at the door, she fiddled with her phone, 215 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:16.960 face illuminated by some last minute group chat. Don't wait up, 216 00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:19.240 I might get coffee after need a few hours just 217 00:10:19.279 --> 00:10:23.200 for me, O K, I hesitated, I could join. They 218 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:26.240 could a double date on wheels. She paused, then laughed, 219 00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:30.039 Trust me, babe, this crew has hardcore, nothing but stravedrama 220 00:10:30.039 --> 00:10:32.799 and buck jargon. You'd last ten minutes. She was still 221 00:10:32.840 --> 00:10:35.279 laughing when she left, but the sound grated, brittle edged 222 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:38.120 as her car faded down the street. I registered how 223 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:41.720 she'd stop encouraging me to say yes altogether. When she returned, 224 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:45.080 she did not seem exhausted, just brighter. She sang in 225 00:10:45.120 --> 00:10:46.879 a shower, then came out in a silk robe and 226 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:49.720 scull through messages, her feet tapping an impatient rhythm against 227 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:52.480 the hardwood floor. I watched as she shifted through her 228 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:55.600 social account's locking posts, uc having photos, tagging me on 229 00:10:55.639 --> 00:10:57.919 an old Fourth of July group shot from three years ago. 230 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:00.679 In a move that made no sense, she avoided the 231 00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:04.480 recent tennis club brunch photo altogether. Carly texted when as 232 00:11:04.519 --> 00:11:06.919 nest coming back to doubles, the court needs its bottomless 233 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:09.120 Moses queen with a string of emoji, the stun of 234 00:11:09.120 --> 00:11:12.720 old comfort now just slightly out of reach, I thumbed back, 235 00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:15.120 maybe next weekend, thinking hard it was that none of 236 00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:18.759 Vanessa's less cycling friends overlapped with our regulars. That night, 237 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:21.120 as she declared herself completely spent and turned down and 238 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.600 by for Marguerita's with Carley and Jess, I found her 239 00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:25.600 not dozen on the couch, but deeply moused in her 240 00:11:25.600 --> 00:11:29.240 Poham face light with the glow occasionally should smiled to herself, 241 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:31.559 type lock the screen, then unlock it to start again. 242 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:34.559 I dipped into the laundry basket, out of habit. Vanessa's 243 00:11:34.600 --> 00:11:37.679 cycling shoults at the top seemed oddly crisp. Her tank, 244 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:41.080 a knee on turquoise was pristine. Pulling out the shoes, 245 00:11:41.360 --> 00:11:43.559 I noticed the soules were spotless, as if they'd never 246 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:47.159 seen the outside. The helmet's tag was still attached, no 247 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:50.200 sweat marks on the liner. I paused, pressing my nose 248 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:53.799 to her sleeve. A faint, fragrant note, suddle, floral and new. 249 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:58.679 It's nothing. I told myself, people buy new fragrances. But 250 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:02.000 this didn't match her usual nilla and cidrus. For someone 251 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:04.840 notorious for blending sense and never content with a single bottle, 252 00:12:04.879 --> 00:12:06.759 the constancy of this new note on the day she 253 00:12:06.759 --> 00:12:10.200 cycled stood out. A few days later, at lunch with Robert, 254 00:12:10.279 --> 00:12:13.120 I brought it up innociously. Have you ever seen Vanessa 255 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:16.759 out with one of those downtown cycling groups. Robert tilted 256 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:20.159 his head. Honestly doesn't ring a bell. She usually invents 257 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:22.759 excuses to skip the morning ride's Carly Hoss says she 258 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.200 hates how mitt harmore than life itself. They thought Ness 259 00:12:25.200 --> 00:12:28.759 mostly stuck to tennis on weekends. I nodded, careful not 260 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:30.759 to let on anything more, but my mind pained back 261 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:33.039 to the untouched cycling gear, the unused water bottle on 262 00:12:33.080 --> 00:12:34.720 the counter of the full bottle of gate read in 263 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:37.679 the fridge two days after her epichride. Vanessa had always 264 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:40.360 been meticulous about refilling and washing her bottles. Leaving one 265 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:43.120 full was unlike her that night when she said she 266 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:45.480 was headed out early and managed, are you trying any 267 00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:47.519 new routes? Maybe I can map them for you, help 268 00:12:47.559 --> 00:12:51.120 plan the most scenic eater. Half joking but watching closely, 269 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:55.120 she stiffened, no need ethan, It's it's just my thing. 270 00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:58.240 O Ka, just let me have this. No smile, no 271 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:01.200 self deprecating banterer. Her voice was alma sharp, oddly final. 272 00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:04.600 That week, I noticed new small bearers falling into place. 273 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:07.960 Vanessa was careful with her phone, turning the screen downward, 274 00:13:08.039 --> 00:13:11.000 slipping out to the whlwitch pick up calls. One evening, 275 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:14.000 how laptop's calendar notification popped up for a group ride 276 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:15.440 at the time, she told me she had a one 277 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:18.159 on one with her bus. When I glanced over, she 278 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:20.279 closed the windows so quickly the cusa left a ghost 279 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:24.440 image on the screen. Social media postscrouse barse. She locked 280 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:26.840 down Instagram so only a subset of friends could see 281 00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:29.320 anything recent. For practice, shed marked influencers for just a 282 00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:32.639 month before I got tagged only on old throwback pictures, 283 00:13:32.799 --> 00:13:35.759 never knew group shots. It made me feel, in a 284 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:38.480 strange digital way, like I'd been given and edited, highly 285 00:13:38.519 --> 00:13:41.200 real of my own marriage. I tried not to keep score, 286 00:13:41.240 --> 00:13:43.679 so many years of therapy and marriage workshops tell you 287 00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:46.960 not to. Still, Vanessa's accounts showed no signs of the 288 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:50.919 cycling group, no equipment shots, no Sunrise visas, none of 289 00:13:50.919 --> 00:13:55.039 her famous sweaty, grimacing selfies. Bank transactions began to puzzle me. 290 00:13:55.639 --> 00:13:57.360 I'd always been the budget nerd of the pair, but 291 00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:59.960 we shared them on board and the odds breadsheet. Why 292 00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:02.559 One morning I noticed a string of entries and overpriced 293 00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:04.840 coffee shop across town. One neither of us frequented a 294 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.960 pair of charges On Saturday mornings, there was a florist 295 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:11.159 on colfax which was near and of Vemmo payment labeled supplies. 296 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:13.720 I clicked through the cender a profile pick of a 297 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:18.000 guy songdusses and a mountain tag. No mutual friends, no clues. 298 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:22.440 The next Sunday, my restlessness boiled over. I checked Vaness's 299 00:14:22.440 --> 00:14:24.840 bick in the Garoche bow ties slightly deflated, the chain 300 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:28.000 looking dry, no new scuff marks or dirt. Her cycling 301 00:14:28.039 --> 00:14:30.759 shoes still had that weird plastic odor to a tread sharp. 302 00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:33.519 I found her helmet in the storage bin, the inside 303 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:36.480 band and touched. There was no sign she'd been anywhere 304 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.759 nearer morning Peloton on a muddy spring trail. That night, 305 00:14:39.799 --> 00:14:42.039 as I packed a lunch for myself, Vanessa came in 306 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:45.519 radiant from a shower. Her raptite. I tried one more time, 307 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:48.480 which trail did you guys do? I saw those Instagram's 308 00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:51.600 stories from the south Platte looked brutal. She hesitated just 309 00:14:51.639 --> 00:14:55.240 long enough for me to notice. On Sloan's Lake, mostly flat, 310 00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:57.720 but we pushed hard. Strawba says I did sixteen miles. 311 00:14:58.440 --> 00:15:00.320 Her phone was in her hand, but she she didn't 312 00:15:00.360 --> 00:15:02.120 offer to show me her ARP history, as she had 313 00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:06.039 once done for every jog. I nodded, hiding my skepticism. 314 00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:08.519 I could point out the contradictions, the full water bottle, 315 00:15:08.600 --> 00:15:10.879 the dry chain, her quickness to change topics, the digital 316 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:14.320 bread combs, the mysterious charges. But whenever I got close, 317 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:17.679 some old wind flared. I remembered how Vanessa recoiled from accusations, 318 00:15:17.840 --> 00:15:21.360 always claiming I was inventing problems. That week, our routines 319 00:15:21.399 --> 00:15:25.440 continued decaying in small but steady increments. Sunday evenings, once 320 00:15:25.480 --> 00:15:27.720 spent prepping meals or mapping out, the week passed in 321 00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:30.960 lonely silence, Vanessa ducking out for errands that went undescribed. 322 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:34.759 She stopped joining friend Groupfred's, replying only to side messages. 323 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:37.679 The tennis called joke slowed to trickle. One night, I 324 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.000 suggested we watched the last season of The Expanse, one 325 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:42.360 of our comfort shows, but Vaness claimed she was behind, 326 00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:45.600 so I ended up watching alone. Her attention now occurred 327 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:48.720 only for her phone, never for me. I tried resentering 328 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:51.679 myself with work, but I found myself distracted, jumping whenever 329 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.200 a message pinned on Slack, scanning my fees for any 330 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:57.240 sign of what Vanessa was doing, my cove quality slept, 331 00:15:57.320 --> 00:15:59.519 my team lead ust if I was taking care of herself, 332 00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:02.039 using the overbright tech concerned tone that always felt more 333 00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:04.799 algorithmic than real. Yet some part of me wanted to 334 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:08.159 dismiss it all. Maybe Vanessa really just needed space. Work 335 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:10.720 was intense, her anxiety was up, and I'd always struggled 336 00:16:10.759 --> 00:16:13.559 with giving her privacy. But even as I repeated this. 337 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:17.320 The evidence stacked up. Two weekends later, I made a comment, 338 00:16:17.480 --> 00:16:20.639 almost accidentally about how the feign cherry quickly was shockingly scenic. 339 00:16:20.679 --> 00:16:22.879 Thisier then offered a blayful as possible to join if 340 00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:26.080 her crew wouldn't mind. Vanessa, normally quick to welcome me 341 00:16:26.120 --> 00:16:29.639 to anything, snapped, why do you have to intrude on this, Ethan, 342 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:32.200 can't I have one thing that's just mine? She tossed 343 00:16:32.200 --> 00:16:35.480 her jim back on to the couch a froze, momentarily 344 00:16:35.480 --> 00:16:39.240 embarrassed for even suggesting it. She saw me blanche. Her 345 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:43.320 shoulders fell and she exhaled shakily. Sorry, I just get overwhelmed, 346 00:16:43.320 --> 00:16:47.399 sometimes said silly. It's not silly, I said, quietly, It's 347 00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:50.080 just you're usually the one inviting me in. Her face 348 00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:52.240 twisted as she shuffled to the bedroom, closing the door 349 00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:55.360 behind her, muffling her next words. I stood there for 350 00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.639 a long minute, the neat geometry of her neat domestic 351 00:16:57.639 --> 00:17:00.879 cabot's feeling as foreign at a stringer's house. I wound 352 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:03.759 up doing the grocery run solo the next morning. At 353 00:17:03.879 --> 00:17:06.200 check out, the floors charged from her account, niged at me. 354 00:17:06.279 --> 00:17:08.160 It would have been nice in another life to have 355 00:17:08.200 --> 00:17:11.240 her bring home flowers, just because when I came home 356 00:17:11.480 --> 00:17:13.400 she was on a call, her lofter lower than usual. 357 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:16.279 She ended the conversation. As I entered the room, the 358 00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:19.720 phone flipped onto its face. Monday, at lunch, I decided 359 00:17:19.720 --> 00:17:23.000 to get direct. I called Carley let the conversation when 360 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:25.599 it's way to cycling in tennis. Then asked, who's leading 361 00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:28.039 the group these days? Ness never says much about them, 362 00:17:28.519 --> 00:17:32.200 Carley paused, Honestly, she never does come out with us. 363 00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:34.319 The one time she tried the group ride, she baked 364 00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:36.960 off at the last minute. Remember said she'd rather brunch 365 00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:39.200 than ride in a pack, claim she hated like a woodgi's. 366 00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:43.039 Her giggle was familiar, only a little forced. I figured 367 00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:46.079 you two had your own thing going on, hiere, I managed, 368 00:17:46.759 --> 00:17:50.359 guess we do. I felt my stomach twist. That only 369 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:52.960 thing felt more like a wall than a tie. Between 370 00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:56.319 those conversations with Colly and Robert, Patton established herself none 371 00:17:56.359 --> 00:17:58.519 of our mutual friends knew about the second group, just 372 00:17:58.519 --> 00:18:00.720 as they didn't see her on the weekend right, nor 373 00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:02.880 had she shown up to the usual tennis matches she 374 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:05.480 used to beg me to join on social she was 375 00:18:05.519 --> 00:18:08.920 nowhere to be found in other people's candidates. The following Saturday, 376 00:18:08.920 --> 00:18:10.359 I got up early, the way I used to for 377 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:13.480 our own tennis lessons. Instead of heading to the courts, 378 00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:16.079 I waited in the kitchen. Vanessa came out, her face 379 00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:18.759 already set for battle, cycling shorts and jacket, pristine as 380 00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:23.440 ever beg ride to day, I asked, She shrouded, dumping 381 00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:26.000 her back by the door. I don't wait up, she said, 382 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:28.480 not looking at me. I watched her leave, tracked her 383 00:18:28.480 --> 00:18:31.079 car down the block. My hands aged to follow, but 384 00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:33.720 I stayed rooted, fixated on the impulsibility of it, all, 385 00:18:33.720 --> 00:18:36.799 the gay at the schedule, the sudden secrecy. Hours later, 386 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:39.279 as usual, she returned bee line for the shower, offer 387 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:42.119 nothing but attired I'm dead, then faded back into the couch. 388 00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:44.839 By now, the weekends felt like a stage set for 389 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:46.720 a play. I'd never auditioned for a drama in which 390 00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:48.559 I was the only one who didn't know the script. 391 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:52.759 Over breakfast the following day, I decided to Bush, if 392 00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:54.480 you want, I could map a new route for you, 393 00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:58.000 something shady and flat, for next week. I kept my smile, casual. 394 00:18:58.599 --> 00:19:02.240 She blinked, then gathered her hair into opponent hail. Honestly, Ethan, 395 00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:03.880 I wish you'd let me do this my way. I 396 00:19:03.960 --> 00:19:06.680 need something for my own head. She glanced out the window. 397 00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:10.079 You don't have to solve everything, I could have pointed out. 398 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:13.200 The love language of our marriage had always been solutions, invitations, 399 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:16.240 the merging of all things. But as hollowed my protest 400 00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:20.640 at work, my focus splintered. Vanessa's phone calls increased, stepping 401 00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:24.279