Speaker 1: Rob, what's the best way to support this podcast?
Speaker 2: Going to patreon dot com slash Softcore History and subscribing
to our patreon where for five dollars a month you
will get eight extra episodes per month, plus a two
year and counting back catalog, All Evergreen, all fun, all History.
Check it out. Dan, you know what I'm tired of
talking about. I'm tired of talking about presidents who almost
got killed. And you know what I want to talk
about instead, presidents that did the killing. I want to
talk about presidents who snatched lives, Presidents who met somebody
and decided I'm taking that person off of this earth.
So today we are talking about the presidents of the
United States that we know for sure killed somebody, not
ordered them to die, not press the button, not ordered
a drone strike or whatever. I'm talking to president who
took a life with their hands. Some you will not
be surprised by, some you probably know, and some you
had no idea. Welcome to soft Core History. What is up?
Welcome back to soft Core History. I am your host
for the week, Rob Fox, joined as always by Dan
Regester and special returning guests. Really like our second or
third most regular at this point, Gabby Monte Mayor, Hello,
what's going on?
Speaker 3: Hi?
Speaker 2: Thanks for having me, Welcome back. We're happy you're here.
Speaker 3: I'm happy here.
Speaker 2: We're sorry we're a day late. I have a family.
Speaker 1: It's Rob's fault.
Speaker 2: Yeah, typical, just loving on my children.
Speaker 1: Get us to take a vacation. Sort of kind of bullshit.
Speaker 2: Kind of in a way. It was mostly like most
of it was just traveling with Joe, like not being
at the end destination, but like getting there. I'm sorry
you get the board early. I did have a beer
on the plane. I did get the board early, which
was sweet. But I did have a beer on the plane.
It was like noon, and my wife was like, what
are you doing. You're drinking and I was just like,
this is a fucking nightmare.
Speaker 3: It's not a vacation for you if you have your
kids with you.
Speaker 2: It's like not, it's playing a game. It's exactly. So
it's said, it's like, no, it's not a vacation, it's
a trip. It's a trip. Yeah, Like difference. Yeah, Like
it's like it's like saying the Oregon Trails a vacation,
Like oh how fun?
Speaker 3: Like wow, you get to see new things, beautiful landscapes, dysentery,
waterways not previously seen.
Speaker 2: I mean there's diarrhea involved usually always Yeah, whatever dog
shit they eat at the airport or on vacation or whatever.
So yeah, we're daylight because I was on a mini
vacation with the fam. They're still gone. So I'm just
gonna bachelor it up this week.
Speaker 1: What's up?
Speaker 2: Just gonna go nuts, dude.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get so many prostitutes.
Speaker 2: Hell yeah, it's gonna be sweet. Dripping Springs has a
great brothel, so I hear.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why they call it Dripping Springs because the ladies.
Speaker 2: Are wet, wet vaginas dripping. They're so wet. Boo, welcome
to softcore history.
Speaker 1: I mean, looking at that shirtless photo of you from vacation,
they might.
Speaker 2: Be you have the most just backhanded compliment about.
Speaker 3: He's just shocked you're not like a fat slob.
Speaker 2: I like it is that I'm not a complete bag
of milk.
Speaker 3: Honestly, we're all shocked.
Speaker 2: My fucking mind it tight.
Speaker 1: You drink alcohol, eat like you eat toritles every day.
That's all you live off of.
Speaker 2: I just eat Chick fil A. But that's that's a
different story. Yeah, your body's a dump long day. You
know how many fucking calories you burn when you fucking
have chase around two toddlers like I don't sit down
like I'm just and actually what's worse is you do
sit down than you immediately after you get back up.
You're carrying someone constantly. Half the time you're fucking carrying them,
they don't even want to be in your arms. So
imagine like carrying a forty pound package that doesn't want
to be carried. Me there, I'm meaning clean.
Speaker 1: I'm going to the gym every day, and really the
results aren't much better, So I'm just gonna drink.
Speaker 2: Fuck it, Yeah, drink. It doesn't matter anymore. How have
you not already learned that this isn't really particular to you.
This is for both of us in different ways, like
for this podcast, for example, everything you try hard at
isn't worth it, and you won't get the results you deserve.
Speaker 1: In fact, you'll be made fun of.
Speaker 3: Give up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just give up, give up, give up.
Speaker 1: That's kind of the lesson you should take from this podcast.
Whether or not you learn anything else is unimportant.
Speaker 2: Yeah, be like history will forget you.
Speaker 1: You mean zero in the grand scheme of things. No, like,
you're not taking over a country. That's really all great
men are really known for conquering.
Speaker 2: Even most people who take over countries, you don't get remembered.
You think the Dureau is going to be remembered by anyone? No,
he'll be forgotten in Venezuela one hundred years.
Speaker 1: And how many explorers do we know? Like two right
out of like Columbus and Magellan.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean even like, do you know Constant Leone is? Yeah, okay,
all right, so I'm trying to think Pizarro would be
another one those guys. Yeah, all right, that's fair. Five.
Which one's Lewis, which one's Clark?
Speaker 3: Who cares?
Speaker 2: They're the same, they're the same, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Penn and Teller. I don't remember which is the one
that doesn't talk? Is it Teller? Is that why? It's funny.
Speaker 1: I think that's the joke. Yeah, but I have no idea.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I couldn't tell you. That's why. Yeah,
if you're a duo, you're you just become the duo
and if.
Speaker 1: You split up, it's tragic. Let's don't do that. If
you have a good thing going with another person.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Hollano, continue that.
Speaker 2: But also, by the way, this is the second time
in like two weeks you've said this about one of
your podcast co host bodies, because remember last week we
were like, goddamn, Jake's lost a lot of weight.
Speaker 1: Well he's working the farms.
Speaker 3: Just work in the field.
Speaker 2: Well he's good.
Speaker 1: We don't know. We don't talk to him, will we
ever check in? He turned on us.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2: He's absolutely dead to us. And speaking of yeah, we do.
But speaking of dead, let's get into this week's topic. Today.
I thought as I was writing, everyone was thinking of
topics or whatever. I was like, tired. I'm tired of
hearing about people trying to kill presidents. I'm sick of it.
I'm over it. Who can't get over it? I'm over it.
Speaker 1: I want people to bring other presidents alive.
Speaker 2: That president or yeah, is resuscitating dead presidents. But we're
gonna do the next best thing. Instead of talking about
presidents who've been killed or almost killed, we're going to
talk about presidents who have killed. Murderous presidents, murderous presidents,
presidents with bodies. Now every president pretty much certainly posts
World War two, probably post Civil War or from Lincoln on,
they've got bodies on their.
Speaker 1: Hands, right, we do, especially like a Kennedy.
Speaker 2: Uh well, I'll get to that in a second. But
every president, you know, whether it's removing Indians from land
or droning some terrorists, whatever, it is like they're all
ordered deaths, right, But how many have taken lives with
their own fucking hands. That's what we're here to talk
about today.
Speaker 3: Incredible topic.
Speaker 2: Flying a plane doesn't count? Yes?
Speaker 1: Is that your own fucking hands?
Speaker 2: Close enough? Man?
Speaker 1: All right, seems like we're giving participation trophies.
Speaker 2: Now what you just mentioned Kennedy, he was piloting a boat.
I know, how's that any different?
Speaker 3: It's not as long as you're aware of your flawed logical.
Speaker 1: I'm not even making that argument. I'm saying, what are
we counting as a as a kill?
Speaker 2: If you're pulling a trigger or something along those lines
and it directly leads to a death.
Speaker 3: So it's basically like you can't but you ordered someone
else to do it. It's like you did it through
your actions or through the vehicle that you're controlling with
your app Yes you're.
Speaker 2: Responsible, Yes, you are directly responsible for it.
Speaker 1: What about other people that gerald Ford merked on the
football fields.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyone that died of CTE is long term gerald
gerald Ford's blood is Jerald Ford's blood on his hands
with those people. Okay, just double checking, so probably several.
I mean the Big Ten is littered with the bones
of gerald Ford's victims. He played Michigan or played Michigan football.
Speaker 3: What position did he play?
Speaker 2: He's a running backer?
Speaker 1: No, he was a center. He was a center. He
chose to go to Michigan over playing for the Green
Bay Packers.
Speaker 2: Oh. Center, actually, uh, here's probably where he did most
of his damage. Center and a linebacker.
Speaker 1: Interesting, two way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't make him like they used to. Dude, he
got two natties in Michigan.
Speaker 1: Was good.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Fuck, he made the right decision in the NFL. He
skipped the NFL. He was like, the NFL was a
joke back then.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was.
Speaker 3: It was like a league for bone Okay, yeah, like
you were like, it's better, it was better to go
play college.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I'm trying to think it was like more prestigious.
Speaker 3: And he got a college education and became president.
Speaker 2: But he even he even turned down the NFL.
Speaker 3: After college oh yeah, what didn't we do after college?
Speaker 2: I don't remember.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, most collegiate assets professional and something other
than sports.
Speaker 2: Yeah, even if they could go pro in sports back then,
you didn't want to basketball and football back then. No,
that's like literally you have to have three jobs.
Speaker 3: Like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, Dallas Cowboys used to get paid with Dallas
Cowboys cheerleaders get paid crime criminal cheerleaders make like ten
grand a year.
Speaker 3: It's great, like no money, it's so sad.
Speaker 2: For the time commitment too. It's yeah, god damn it,
we're paying you an exposure, exposure for what you make. You.
The average Dallas Cowboy cheerleader Instagram following is ten k.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not because I watched the show and I
was like looking them all up and like most like
a couple of them have over fifty. But it's like nothing, Jerry, like,
I feel like they probably can't do brand news while
they're associated with.
Speaker 2: DCC, but you yeah, because they're like at the Dallas Cowboys. Yeah,
and then we have standards.
Speaker 3: Yoh, Charlotte Jones, what a pitch?
Speaker 2: Is that? The head?
Speaker 3: That's the Jerry Jones's daughter who's like, she's the head
and she's like, they don't do this for the money.
They do this for the prestige of being a d
c C. And it's like, but also pay these poor girls.
They have no other skills.
Speaker 2: No one, I mean no other league makes more money.
Speaker 3: I mean like just be like and if you buy
a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader popsicle, then that goes like if
you were to sell one concession, that would be like,
that's the DCC cheerleader.
Speaker 1: Like they should have the Amazon affiliate links in their
bios and that's what they get.
Speaker 3: They can't even do only fans. They can't do anything.
Speaker 1: Oh, you can't even profit on only fans.
Speaker 3: No, because you can't be like, you can't be doing
things while you're a DC.
Speaker 2: Why yeah, when you retire, former Dallas Boys cheerleader doesn't
have the.
Speaker 3: Same ring to it. If you can't if you can't
do it in the uniforms, what.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't get to keep the imagine that video
in the uniform.
Speaker 2: Yeah, people pay for that. Do you know how many
just filthy, disgusting Cowboys fans would because there's only two cheerleaders?
Oh yeah, you you would, You I'm an Eagles fan.
Take down an enemy's cheerleader, well, I mean, you'd be
taking down yourself to a cheerleader. It's the same thing.
In my head. It's fair.
Speaker 1: I paint the picture so vivid that when I'm cranking it, Yeah,
she feels like I'm in the scene, and maybe she
feels it.
Speaker 3: You're Eagles as you finish.
Speaker 2: Go, birds fly, Eagles fly. Yeah, boom boom boom boom
boom boom boom fly.
Speaker 1: I'm already done.
Speaker 2: She's that guy. Wow. But yeah, So we we're talking
about presidents who have specifically killed someone. So there have
been forty five men in the office. There's forty seven
or no, there's Yeah, there's been forty five men in
the office, has been for forty six presidents, because Garfield
served twice non consecutively. Out of the forty five men,
how many do you think caught.
Speaker 1: A body was at least I mean, I can just
see the math right now, right Washington.
Speaker 2: For sure, Okay, Cafton for sure.
Speaker 1: Jefferson you think, Yeah, I don't know. I don't think
Jefferson has.
Speaker 3: To abortions count.
Speaker 1: Yes, all right, so Jefferson, Yeah, it depends who you ask.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it depends on the trimster.
Speaker 1: The first couple besides Washington are nerds, so soft tans.
I don't know if Monroe ever got into.
Speaker 2: Like a duel.
Speaker 1: Give me a Quincy number. Definitely, I mean Jackson for sure.
Speaker 2: No, Jackson did. We'll talk about too.
Speaker 1: And then Tyler.
Speaker 3: So you think it's less than twenty.
Speaker 1: It's probably I would say twelve.
Speaker 2: It's good, guess. I believe the count is potentially eleven. Wow,
there's some that are like there's only a few we
know for sure for sure, and then there's many others
that were like they had to have like it's almost
it's almost impossible.
Speaker 3: It's like implausible that they did it, like it makes
more sense to have killed somebody than to not.
Speaker 2: And all those believe it or not.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: No, there's three we know for sure for sure. I'm
not going to spoil the third, my favorite one. I mean,
Grant has a body, but he we don't know for
sure for sure. Yes we do, we are pot we're
pretty positive and like he does. But there's three that
are like fully one hundred documented. I killed that guy, Washington, Jackson, Grant, Okay,
well we'll get it. Those are the three for sure. No,
we'll get it. We'll talk talk well. Tyler too.
Speaker 1: Tyler for sure has bodies.
Speaker 2: We'll talk about it, all right. It's almost like the.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: First up is our nation's founder, George Washington. Now George
wasn't gritten as slave teeth in the in the American Revolution,
but before the American Revolution, he was a colonial officer,
a provincial officer, I think they called it in the
British Army. In the French and Indian War, the Seven
Years War as we like to call it on the show,
the First World.
Speaker 1: War, tech some scalps.
Speaker 2: Sort of. I mean they're Indians on both sides of
the conflict. In fact, he in this battle that we're
going to talk about that he probably got his body at.
The Indians were on his side. Even though it was
called the French and Indian War in the Americas because
it was the French and Indians. The Indians largely allied
with the French against the British, but the British did
have some native allies as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all the natives weren't just like buddy.
Speaker 3: Buddy wait, I guess so murder counts in the context
of warlike.
Speaker 2: Even if yeah, if he killed someone on a battle,
what else would it mean? Like most of these guys
got their kills.
Speaker 3: I'm imagining like drunk driving and you hit a pedestrian,
or like like a revenge killing, or like a woman
like you know, beating his first wife to death or something,
the old fashioned murder, you know, the murder with the
murder with you know, backbone.
Speaker 2: How many women put out because Kennedy just.
Speaker 3: We'll never know, probably several.
Speaker 2: If Ted Kennedy had won his race, I think he
ran he primary Jimmy Carter when Jimmy Carter was the
incumbent because Carter was so unpopular, And if Ted Kennedy
had won and then won the election against Reagan, which
probably unlikely, let's just say he did, then we get
like the most murdery of all the murders. Yeah, because
Ted Kennedy drowned lady I know, chapiquittic, but he didn't win.
Speaker 1: They straight up and ripped.
Speaker 2: It doesn't count. They did. I love that.
Speaker 1: It's like, Wow, guys really on the nose.
Speaker 2: Well, except instead of a chick, it was like an
idiot bus boy or whatever who gave him coke, which
like he got in the car with him.
Speaker 1: If you're valeting cars, you know the risk of your
brish ask clients.
Speaker 2: You know, you know, Dan, I know you're.
Speaker 1: Florida at a Disney World resort for pores.
Speaker 3: With like a Lakinto or something like.
Speaker 1: It was the World Center Marriott. But do not get
it twisted. It was an awful hotel.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: It was where people saved up for five years and
pinched every penny to get there.
Speaker 3: And they like put it on this debit card, but
I'm gonna pay cash.
Speaker 1: And I didn't even get to drive cool cars.
Speaker 2: It was mini bands.
Speaker 3: That's the only point. That's the only reason.
Speaker 2: To do it. It's the type of vacation that I've
been on those certainly when it's like you see other
kids buying whatever they want.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, like at the at the gift.
Speaker 2: Gift shops and parents to shove you past like we're
not getting don't.
Speaker 3: Look, don't even think about it, Like you'll get in
trouble for asking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I split tips.
Speaker 2: I was. I was with my grandkids, or with my
kids and their grandpa, so grand he was going doing
Grandpa ship buying them were at the we're at this
like mall up in Dallas, and like they went into
the Craola store, like while other kids were just windows shopping.
My father in law was just buying them whatever. I know.
But I was just like to the kids outside, I
was just like, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3: Sorry, you're not rich.
Speaker 2: No, I'm like, I know how you feel. I get it.
These kids are pieces of this ship.
Speaker 3: That's that's what grandparents are for, exactly. Parents are to
say no, grandparents are to.
Speaker 2: Say, yeah, all the other kids were there with their parents. Yeah,
you need like old guy, he's gonna do whatever. That's
what you do.
Speaker 3: That's nice.
Speaker 2: So Washington, this is the battle that some say kicked
off the Seven Years War, which, like I said, is
arguably the technically the first World War human history. It
was the Battle of Jamonville Glen. This battle took place
in this battle. It was a kind of a rough way,
like a generous way to say it. Somewhere what skirmish,
very much a skirmish. It was in southwestern Pennsylvania. Almost
more of a rumble. Also, maybe a slaughter would be
a good way to put it.
Speaker 3: Yikes.
Speaker 2: Fifty two British colonial soldiers and Indians commanded by Washington
ambushed and slaughtered like thirty five French guys as they slept.
Speaker 3: They slept kind of gnarly.
Speaker 2: Well they woke. I mean the first couple died sleeping there,
just woke up the dream.
Speaker 1: Yeah, unless you're a heavy sleeper.
Speaker 3: I'm a heavy sleeper.
Speaker 2: Absolutely. I believe someone else had just five more minutes
go kill them. It can't be that many.
Speaker 3: Just don't miss, just don't miss.
Speaker 2: There's definitely not seventeen more of them than us. It's fine.
The battle lasted fifteen minutes, hikes, and in fact.
Speaker 3: That's a pillaging.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, they fucked him up. It was a complete ambush.
Washington might not have even caught his body during the battle.
Some of these French guys got a little bit war
crimed there, may or may not. So they captured, tortured,
maybe got a little lippy executed after surrendering type of situations.
Speaker 3: So maybe it wasn't a cherry tree he chopped down,
but a French guy's.
Speaker 2: Head, Yeah, pretty much. They did say that the There
were varying reports of how the command, the French commander died.
I think someone maybe the Indians claimed I think it
was the Indians that were on the British. I'd claim
that a musket he got a musketball to the head
as he was trying to surrender. And then the British
claimed that one of the Indians, fucking tomahawked him as
he was trying to talk to them or something was
Washington he got a scalp. So Washington's reports on the
battle were always extreme, brief and lacking in detail. M Leader, Yeah,
they were just like, we found him, we attacked, we
won this.
Speaker 3: Many didn't know no numbers even.
Speaker 2: I think they were like there might have been numbers,
but it was really just like you don't need the detail.
Speaker 3: We won, just know that it was a stuck success
thumbs up.
Speaker 2: And it was, like I said, it was a small battle.
It was a tightly tight quarters ish battle because they
fired and went into the camp and stuff like that,
and then obviously they did some war crimey stuff afterwards.
Washington actually wrote a leather letter to his brother after
the battle, which kind of actually it's a little it's
a little not sick, but it's a little like, all right,
this guy wants to get some well, you'll never believe,
kind of like it's against some type of letter, he said,
he wrote this is Forbadeim what he said. I can
with truth assure you I heard bullets whistle, and believe me,
there was something charming in the sound.
Speaker 3: Charming in the sound.
Speaker 2: I wanted want he wanted to get some.
Speaker 3: Imagine the smell of like you're in an army camp,
like obviously it doesn't even smell good before, like no
air conditioning, everyone's hots, much of dudes that don't shower, like, yeah,
what's up here?
Speaker 2: Let me check it was? I mean, usually you were
only fighting in the spring and summer.
Speaker 3: And then like hot blood death and probably like excrement.
Speaker 2: Probably beautiful spring day in Pennsylvania, near Pittsburgh.
Speaker 3: It was until.
Speaker 2: Uh, well it didn't help that. I mean, I guess
the smell of the French guys just being smelling French
guys and then pooping their pants when they were there,
but they left, I guess before the corpses started rotting,
but they did neglect to bury them also just left
them out there to rot. So that is probably that
Washington was in other engagements, but that is probably where
he caught a body. If I had to maybe a
few straight execution style.
Speaker 3: You don't know the musket though, So it's like, well,
he would have.
Speaker 2: Been sword and pistol because he was an officer, so
is the regulars, the regular troops or colonials whatever, they
would have had the muskets. Washington would have been rocking
a sword, maybe a flint lock pistol. Oh dude, if
he took off a head with a sword, yeah, but
agains my king right there. They there were several accounts
that said people were killed. After the fact, no one
really wanted to talk about who was killing, who did
any of the kills.
Speaker 1: Also, that's terrifying.
Speaker 2: He's a giant ginger. He's six or four for red
hair for the tiny fucking humongous.
Speaker 3: I mean for even now, he's pretty big. But yeah,
that for the time, if everyone else is like five
eight on.
Speaker 2: Average, No, they're like five four, Yeah, because like people
kind of like my off rip on Napoleon.
Speaker 1: But apparently five six isn't that small.
Speaker 2: It was an average height for the time, yeah, which
I believe it. But here's the thing though, I guess
you could say is that even now average height men
are considered short.
Speaker 3: Five nine nine is considered short.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's the average American male height and we're
one of the taller countries. HM.
Speaker 1: Like, even though you would technically look up as somebody
that was five to nine, you're really looking down on them.
Speaker 3: I do, unless they're like pretty rich or hot or
a good dancer. I feel like if you're a good dancer,
you can get.
Speaker 1: Away with So you could be five five bald, ugly
as hell. But if you just if.
Speaker 3: You're rich, if you're rich and a good dancer, so
you're still out of the three box. Yeah, you can't
just beat you can't just be one.
Speaker 2: He's homeless, no, no, but five to ten, great dancer,
and he hits the dougie like no other, the.
Speaker 3: Dougie like a great sign. Me up already.
Speaker 2: Dripping in fact?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Uh. Next up, we have our guy who we know
killed someone foresure documented as fuck. I'm going in chronological
order of when they were a.
Speaker 3: President, not order of most toils killings.
Speaker 2: In fact, Andrew Jackson, we're talk about Andre Jackson. You'll
probably actually can you guess which president has the most
kills Andrew Jackson? Oh, there'll be someone both unexpected but
once you hear the name, unsurprising.
Speaker 1: By his hands, somebody that fought.
Speaker 2: In world War One or World War two. Close, I guess, yeah,
that's accurate. Okay, so that limits it doing the math
couldn't have been FDR. Nope, he's just physically not capable
of doing such. I mean he can still walk during
World War One, but he was too rich to serve
type of thing where I don't know, you just pay. Well,
we'll get to him, cause he's on the list.
Speaker 1: Calvin Coolidge stype.
Speaker 2: We'll get to him. He's on the list. But yeah,
sort of similar.
Speaker 1: I guess, well, we know Calvin Coolidge is too much
of a chad to kill.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll get to him. We'll get to him next time.
We have Andrew Jackson. Though Andrew Jackson has taken more
than this life. But we're just going to talk about
this one life that he snatched because it's pretty good,
because we yeah, and because we know it is.
Speaker 1: He also could have caught more bodies like Davy Crockett
robbed Andrew Jackson of a body.
Speaker 2: Yeah. When Andrew jacks we talked about on a last
week's show. It was a Patreon episode a couple weeks ago. Okay,
Andrew Jackson was the first president who was attempted to
be assassinated, but both the guy's flint lock pistols was fired,
and Andrew Jackson just started beating him to death with
his cane, and Davy Crockett had to pop in and
hold Andrew Jackson back. But that would have been so
cool if he had finished it off. I think it's
cool that Davy Crockett had had to hold you back, right,
and then he was also prosecuted by Francis Scott Key.
Speaker 1: Just crazy amount of names that came together for what
a story, the assassination ensemble.
Speaker 2: It's a magical nation. But Jackson, the one kill we
know for sure was in a duel. He definitely killed
others in battle and god knows where else, but in
a duel in eighteen o five.
Speaker 1: I feel like he has a few dual bodies.
Speaker 2: This is the documented, for sure dual body. Again, Jackson
has many bodies, I like by his hand, like it's
more than one.
Speaker 1: Battle in New Orleans. I think he took some.
Speaker 2: Actually, that one, I bet he didn't because the British
never got close and he was only he wasn't rocking
a arranged weapon.
Speaker 1: He became king of New Orleans.
Speaker 2: That's fine. I'm just saying he I guarantee you he
did not kill any one of the Battle of New Orleans.
The British never got.
Speaker 1: Close in But again, like Washington after.
Speaker 2: Maybe yeah he might.
Speaker 1: Jackson seems like a war criminal.
Speaker 2: He might have put one in a in a dim
also seems like a.
Speaker 3: Revenge killer like he seems to. He seems like he
would do it for the bit, right, like in front
of crowd to like earn respect.
Speaker 1: That's just the old Hickory.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just like think twice before you cross Andrew Jackson
or something.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's on brand for him completely.
Speaker 1: He doesn't probably fuck somebody to death at the White House,
oh Jesus. Uh so when he got inaugurated New fear
he had a giant orgy at the White House.
Speaker 2: I wonder if it's an aneurysm from an orgasm that
was too good, like your brain just pops.
Speaker 3: I guess that'd be kind of cool.
Speaker 1: Yeah, isn't that how you want to go out? I
mean masthe euphoria?
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then how I think that's how Matthew McConaughey's dad.
Speaker 1: Dad, who apparently was also what like in.
Speaker 3: The middle of fucking his mom, he had like a
heart attack and died.
Speaker 2: Oh sweet.
Speaker 1: The dad that he thinks is his dad though, but
I believe there's like a connection between him.
Speaker 2: And Woody Harrelson.
Speaker 1: So Woody Harrelson's dad might also have fathered Matthew McConaughey.
Speaker 2: That would be so cool.
Speaker 1: And also, Woody Harrelson's dad was a hit man.
Speaker 2: Was a hit man.
Speaker 1: He's a contract killer.
Speaker 3: Was he living in Blanco, Texas or wherever the fuck
he's from?
Speaker 1: You know, he is from this area, like Okay, central
Texas area. But he also apparently claimed to have a
part in the JFK assassination.
Speaker 3: Everyone is everyone looks for their deal. Yeah, there's no
way it can be that many players.
Speaker 1: But he at least took out a judge and he's
a confirmed contract killer.
Speaker 2: Yeah he went to jail. Was a federal judge or
a federal judge, Yeah, yeah, I would hope. So I
feel like that's the most common assassination. I feel like
a lot of federal judges just get got you Just
what if he just took out a TV judge, like
judge actually.
Speaker 3: Or like the judges from like the Spanish channels. It's
just like where it's just like a like a slutty telemovela.
Speaker 2: I think version of judge duty that you should be
allowed to bribe TV judges on air, Like you just
be able to pay pay your way out of they're
not real judges, right, yeah they're not so, but you
do sign something to make them.
Speaker 1: I would adhere to the.
Speaker 2: Arbitrator or whatever.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like a mediator.
Speaker 2: Although so someone actually said there was a fucker I
had like BuzzFeed or something. It was all kind of
bullshit too, and like the show would pay your settlement,
not the other person. Yeah, And so these guys who
lived in LA would just get on Judge Judy and
shit all the time, and like with made up stuff
like he ran over my dog or whatever.
Speaker 3: Have you ever seen how Too with John Wilson. It's
such a funny show. But he he did that a
lot like in LA, Like he would just he had
like a lot of time, and so anyone who wronged
him he would like submit to Judge Judy or and
so he was on like three or four episodes just
because he's like a dude with too much time on
his hands, who like it's kind of autistic about documenting everything,
like he had everything documented so he was like, that's perfect.
Speaker 1: If you tried to get on one daytime TV show,
what would it be and why is it?
Speaker 2: The price is right, it's.
Speaker 3: Got to be the price. That was my first thought
or honestly, uh.
Speaker 1: And if you get on the prices right?
Speaker 2: What game?
Speaker 3: Wheel of Fortune? I don't remember this game going for
of prices right. I don't think I'm good at I
would be good at that because I just I don't
know what things cost.
Speaker 1: You don't like the yodeler mountain climber, Well.
Speaker 2: That's if you win. So yeah, first you gets the price,
then you go up and you play the second game.
There's like multiple it's like multiple weight like steps to
getting to them.
Speaker 1: Well, you always pass on the first.
Speaker 3: I think i'd do like Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Or Wheel of Fortune. I play a lot of trivia
games and world word games.
Speaker 1: I don't think you would do good on Who Wants.
Speaker 2: To be a Millionaire?
Speaker 3: Okay, challenge accepted, Look off, Wait, let's do it. Let's
I if it's not just history.
Speaker 2: Hold on, we will have a trivia competition in the
future between you two on the Patreon. Hello, we've been
wea because now we haven't been able to do game
shows really because Jake's been gone. So all right, good,
good show. I'm gonna write this.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna You're gonna He's gonna fucking ruin you.
Speaker 2: Dan. I'm like undefeated. Dan tries to fuck me constantly.
Speaker 3: And I've beaten Jakereemam Nolu.
Speaker 1: I've only gone against both of them once each and
I beat them both times.
Speaker 2: I don't like to talk about that in raging anyway.
And Jackson Andrew Jackson in eighteen oh five, Andrew Jackson's
horse was supposed to race some other guy's horse, and uh,
I forget how much the bet was for, but there
was a penalty if the horse dropped out after a
certain date.
Speaker 3: The horse dropped out, Yeah, the guy whatever die or
losing the horse pulls a hammy can the horse doesn't.
Speaker 1: Have a say.
Speaker 2: Horses don't drop out. So if the guy drops the
horse out because the horse is no longer healthy enough
to do it, whatever, So anyway, guy drops his horse out,
can't do it. And there was a dropout penalty after
a certain date. So this guy owes Andrew Jackson eight
hundred dollars equivalent of twenty one thousand dollars today.
Speaker 3: Like a boxing promoter.
Speaker 2: Yeah, for dropping.
Speaker 1: Out killing somebody over twenty one gras.
Speaker 2: It's not what it's over really at all. So for
me is maybe fifty It starts, this is what starts
the feud. It just they kill each other over they
kill each other over words.
Speaker 1: Even if I'm still questioning.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think figures take the risk. Even that it's like,
that's not really have to be like a life changing
amount of money, right, like a.
Speaker 2: Million dollars probably, yeah, yeah, because even it's like, okay, yeah,
it's a lot. It's a lot of trouble for a
n K. Yeah, right, So what do you have to
pay for wet work? Like minimum wet work?
Speaker 3: Little body disposal?
Speaker 2: What's wet work? Little hit man action? Okay, I have
no idea.
Speaker 1: What's the going rate for just somebody to off someone?
Speaker 2: For you to get on the dark web real quick?
Speaker 1: What's the lowest price tag where you feel comfortable the guy.
Speaker 3: Would you're gonna get your money's worth?
Speaker 1: It's five hundred dollars. I'm not paying that and he's like,
the guy sucks.
Speaker 2: Yeah, would have to be so much money, it would
have to be I think.
Speaker 1: I have confidence.
Speaker 3: I don't know, even ten grand. To me, it's like
for what it would take for someone to do that,
and the resources it would take and the experience it
would take to like pull it off correctly. To me,
ten k feels like a group on level. Like to me,
ten k, you're still going to deal he's cutting cutting cornything.
Speaker 2: About that to make one hundred thousand dollars, he has
to kill ten people a year.
Speaker 3: No, that's too much work. That's a lot of labor. Yeah,
because it's it's not just the killing, it's all the
preparation and planning and just clean up one hundred K.
Speaker 2: No, it's got to be at least I would say
fifty K.
Speaker 3: And fifty k would be like for somebody that's kind
of old, where you could kind of blame it on
age or their own like you could make it look
like an accident, you know. But if it's like somebody
healthy and in the public eye, I feel like it's
got to be at least one hundred K.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's got to be six fakes to get the
job easily. Yeah, there's just no way are you googling that.
I wouldn't recommend it.
Speaker 1: Oh, you're right, that's probably a bad idea.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would not recommend googling. That's an that's an
instant flag.
Speaker 3: You can a duck duck go it though.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I might be more comfortable with duck dug gulling
or ask Jeeves.
Speaker 3: Yeah, je will Jesus, but Jeeves will show you nineteen
to eighty eight prices. So you have to use an
inflation calculator, which.
Speaker 2: I already have in my head. It's just two steps.
It's fine. So the race got called off. Jackson's owded
eight hundred dollars, the guy who was supposed to race. Uh,
they've gotten a little argument over just like how the
money was going to be paid, what that arrangement was,
and things get a little chippy. So the guy's son
in law, Charles Dickinson, becomes in rage, gets really upset
with Andrew Jackson because he thinks Jackson's being a dick
about it, and Jackson probably is being about it. He's
Andrew Jackson, He's his baseline. He is baseline, fucking dick hole.
Speaker 1: Be weird if he was nice to me, I know.
Speaker 2: So Jackson and him start exchanging words and letters, and
uh not just letters but competing guest newspaper columns.
Speaker 3: I guess oh, I love it. I love it. It's like, yeah,
like they're.
Speaker 2: Just in between the paper. So Dickinson calls Jackson a
coward and an equivocator. Dickinson published a state no not
for then it's real bad. Yeah, these are og distract
you know, you can't just be called a coward like that.
In the National Review in eighteen oh six, he calls
Jackson a worthless scoundrel, a poltroon, and a coward.
Speaker 3: What's a poltroon.
Speaker 2: It's just another word for coward. Actually, let me look
up the exact definition.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's actually.
Speaker 2: Utter coward coward, so it's like the lowest level of coward.
Speaker 1: Jackson was like, that's why I fucked you a bit
you fat motherfucker.
Speaker 3: And you like boys.
Speaker 2: You're yet I don't know, well actually speaking of everybody
speaking of bitches. At one point this got really heated
because Jackson thought that, uh, Dickinson had insulted his wife,
Rachel Jackson, Uh huh, and Dickinson, this is actually my
wife's name, au choll Mount literally and Dickinson, this is
the weirdest part of the whole story. Dickinson was like, oh,
I might have, but if I did, I was real drunk,
and that's over the line. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I thought he's gonna be like, oh, you're absolutely right.
Speaker 3: That's what your wife said last night.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and Jackson was like apology accept Huh. Yeah, He's like,
all right, you're because I think Jackson also is like
I get it. Look, I'm pretty drunk all the time.
Speaker 3: So we all we all do shit we shouldn't have done.
Speaker 2: Been there. But the argument kept going. They got more
heated and heated about the horns and everything else. Eventually
he just gets to the point where they just fucking
hate each other and a duel was finally asked for
by Dickinson. I believe in it, like meet you under
the tree at noon tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I don't think you can document it because it's technically illegal.
Speaker 2: Oh okay. Even when these duels were happening, they weren't
super duper legal.
Speaker 1: Like a lot of them had to happen in New Jersey,
which apparently was the one state that was it was
cool to do it.
Speaker 2: Then this one they had right for nurse Yeah, this
one they had to leave Nashville, maybe even Tennessee completely,
I forget, but they did have to travel to do
the duel. They had to go somewhere else to do it.
Speaker 1: You gotta go to native land like a casino kind of.
Speaker 2: Yes, it is like a reservation situation.
Speaker 3: What happens on the res stays on these And.
Speaker 2: That's where Jackson got his native baby. That's where he
adopted it. Well, he got it from sending people to
a reservation. Mm hmm hmmm. And that one he was
just like, oh, I kill your parents a little.
Speaker 3: Sweetie mommy and Danny, I'll be your mommy and yeah.
Speaker 1: And was that his only kid?
Speaker 2: I think it was. I don't think he had kids
of his own, but I could be wrong. Is sterile
he kind of looked.
Speaker 3: At he's firing blakes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that explains the murder, explains his aggression. Yeah, he's
he was an extremely aggres like sexually frustrated man. Let's
see if you had children two including the uh Indian
kids of his own. Yeah, Lynn Koya Jackson, So they
kild make it. I bet the kid died in my childhood.
He probably did, because the other name is not even listed. Yikes.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so it doesn't bode well.
Speaker 2: Who the hell does anyway, So Jackson duels called. Turns
out Dickinson is dueling uh mate or whatever. His opponent
uh is a literal mark marksman, literally a crack shot,
so much so that Dickinson they left Nashville the day
before the duel with his bros. You know, because you
bring your bros and you bring all your friends and like,
bring your squad. Yeah, it brings the squad. And they
kept stopping on the side of the road so Digginson
could be like, watch me shoot that bird off the
branch that acorn. Yeah, I've never heard of him. And
there's a reason.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so maybe not that good of a marksman.
Speaker 2: Well no, no, Uh. Jackson and his bro knowing that
Dickinson could shoot, went with a risky plan, uh, but
a bold plan. Duck. No, they thought, cheat, let's let
him shoot first, eat the bullet, because maybe he'll be
so hyped to shoot. They'll be a little too excited.
Speaker 3: The marksman shoot first.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they'll be. If he's a little too excited, maybe
he won't hit his mark. He won't, he'll miss with.
Speaker 1: But it worked. It was so crazy.
Speaker 2: It worked.
Speaker 1: It would work as a hard It works because Jackson
just takes bullets. It doesn't hurt him. He's fucking superman.
Speaker 2: He is Wolverine. So Jackson and Overton also did have
a backup plan or a co plan with that play.
Speaker 1: Is this the bullet that stays in Jackson the rest
of his life?
Speaker 2: Yes, this is how he gets the name Old Hickory.
So Dickinson shoots him square fucking chest.
Speaker 1: But his heart was too small like the green.
Speaker 2: He didn't hit it, just a flesh wound. Yeah, I
guess that bullet statum for the rest of where was it?
It was just like great right here. I forget what side,
but I mean right in the Jackson was skinny guy. Huh,
Jackson was fit get thin. So Jackson and Overton also
had a secondary strategy, uh, to go along with that,
where Overton, if he wins won the coin toss, because
Overton his bro was his second, if he won the
coin toss, he would get to say fire, and so
he would ask Dickinson the question, gentlemen, are you ready?
He would ask Dickinson that after he asked Jackson. So
he'd say, gentlemen, are you ready to Jackson say, gentlemen,
are you ready to Dickinson and he would say yes,
and then he would immediately say fire to try and
get Dickinson to get him hurried up, two sped up.
Maybe he misses and he does. He did all of this.
He won the coin toss. He did the little trick
ticky tac tactic didn't work. Jackson took it right in
the fucking chest.
Speaker 3: Damn.
Speaker 2: But Jackson not only survived, as we know.
Speaker 1: Made he took the bullet adrenaline.
Speaker 2: Hit Yeah, aimed a pistol and uh, here's the funny
thing on your doing is so Dickinson hits him and
it's like, oh, hell yeah, I hit him. And Jackson's
just like uspescial. Dickinson cannot move. He has to stand
completely because he has that's the rules of dueling.
Speaker 3: He can take his time and kind of line up
a shot and like there's.
Speaker 2: No shot clock. I mean there is a because we're
a gentleman's agreement.
Speaker 1: You can't take forever, but you can't like have ass
on the ground like as he shoots, yeah, what just
ask to the ground, like just drop No.
Speaker 2: Honestly, if anything, you'll probably catch one in the face
that way because you're shooting the center mass. So if
you yeah, I.
Speaker 1: Bet Jackson's a dickhead and goes for the temple.
Speaker 2: He did not, but Jackson's pistol stopped at half cock,
so he had to draw it back again while he's yeah,
and he aimed again. This time he hit Dickinson in
the chest and Dickinson bled to death. He probably killed
about for other people too, but Dickinson is the one
we know the details of confirmed kill.
Speaker 1: If I was against Jackson probably has triple digits. Triple
triple digits.
Speaker 2: That's a lot hand by hand with the weapons he
was using.
Speaker 3: Yeah, y one at a time.
Speaker 1: He was literally again for like three years king of
New Orleans. What he did during that time is not
really documented, and I think for good reason.
Speaker 2: I mean, I think he's probably I would guess he
was second place. If I had to guess second or
third place, you're counting somebody that was probably a yes,
potentially all right.
Speaker 3: Come on, Dan, you're circling it. Say another name.
Speaker 2: It's fine.
Speaker 1: I don't want to spoil it, and we'll have to
come to the conclusion it is.
Speaker 2: But next up we have William Henry Harrison. Harrison is
probably best known for being a bitch, being a great
a bitch.
Speaker 3: Not not a good thing to be known for.
Speaker 2: He died forty one days into office, loser, because he
got pneumonia after giving a long ass speech without wearing
a jacket.
Speaker 3: Embarrassing.
Speaker 2: He gave the speech, though he didn't He's like, I
don't I don't need this jacket. He's known for being
a hard ass, which led to him dying.
Speaker 3: Yeah, people that are, But like, you can't, you can't
out hard mother nature. Mother nature will fuck you up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's wear a jacket, a bit of a Kobe
Bryant death.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was avoidable, Yeah, avoidable.
Speaker 2: You can't have that mama mentality against mother nature. No,
you can't mama mentality.
Speaker 3: The fuck can't out mamba the fog.
Speaker 2: Nope, you can't out mom by the rain.
Speaker 3: It's just how it goes what one days. That's like pathetic.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But actually Harrison, prior to that pretty bad ass motherfucker. Yeah,
served in wars against Native Americans and in the War
of eighteen twelve at the Battle of tip A Canoe
in eighteen eleven, he was a general. That's where he
got his his presidential slogan brought by the way Tipic
Canoe and Tyler too. Tyler was his vice president who
became president. Harrison was in command, but the combat was
heavy and close, and again it was we're not talking
about like Waterloo or World War two.
Speaker 1: I love that His campaign slogan was just like, yeah,
I fucked up some Indians Yep.
Speaker 2: Yep, and I'll do it again too. People were like,
that's why we're voting for him. Hell yeah. These were
badass Indians who they were commanded by takumsa m And
they were I know that name. They were hard. They
were hard, hard motherfuckers. So he was in command of combat. Again,
this was like I said, it's not Waterloo, it's not
even like the American Revolution. Like these are small battles.
We're talking like eight hundred verse eight hundred that type
of thing. So tight, close, dirty battles. He was in
command and at the Battle of Type Canoe, combat was heavy,
it was close.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: He also saw heavy combat during the War of eighteen twelve.
It is more likely than not, probably at Typical Canoe
in particular.
Speaker 3: That he called body sure believable.
Speaker 2: Yeah that's all we really know.
Speaker 3: That's it.
Speaker 2: Not superdoctrin about him, but he probably caught a body
at typic ca Nee. Certainly he was right there in
the thicket. Things like on the front line, you.
Speaker 3: Can't you don't escape alive with a mark insom.
Speaker 2: Now, when you're on the front lines and you've got
a pistol, like, you're not not gonna use it really
if you need to. And again things got close, things
got the type of the type of situation where.
Speaker 1: They have guns too, but for the most part they're
trying to take you out hand in hand.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're gonna They're trying to get into the lot
of men. And so your sword comes in handy, your
pistol comes in handy. Right, It's likely he called body.
Next then that's all we know. Next up Zachary Taylor,
another general who became president and died in office. Him
from eating cherries, I believe.
Speaker 3: Oh no, like a lot of cherries. Yeah, like just
massive diarrhea.
Speaker 2: So, uh, this is a stomach problem. So maybe because.
Speaker 3: It's like if you eat too many, you shit a lot.
Speaker 1: And I don't know, I do recall him spending like
thousands of dollars on cherries, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's a big cherry guy. Cherry and milk, cherries
and milk. Ew I think there were luxuries back then.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess. I mean I love cherries, but like
you have to be careful because if.
Speaker 2: You have too many, like arsenic or something.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like you can't have more like you had, Like
I made the mistake and I had like I just
had the bag. Yeah, and I just was I was
like stone and just like eating a bunch of cherries
and then I just like I was just shitting water.
Like it was like I was preparing for a coolnoscopy.
It was it was rough or beach season or beach season. Yeah,
not never enough diarrhea in the summer.
Speaker 1: Never.
Speaker 3: Ugh, that's how That's how Rob got his body.
Speaker 2: My secret.
Speaker 3: Body is just cherries and diarrhea.
Speaker 2: Yeah, pure diarrhea. Body by diarrhea.
Speaker 1: Two weeks before Michigan just hit the cherry tree hard.
Speaker 2: You don't even know. So Taylor saw a ton of combat.
He was in the War of eighteen twelve. He was
an officer the whole time, so officers typically, especially back
in this time, less likely to kill than an officer
now or like World War two or something like that.
But fought in the War of eighteen twelve as a
low ranking officer. The Blackhawk War, second Seminole War, fought
a bunch of Indians. Taylor also caught a body in
one of those wars, certainly probably multiple bodies. He was
in heavy engagements in the War of eighteen twelve in particular.
We don't know much more about that. He was basically
the co commanding general when he helped us take all of
Mexico's land. But it probably didn't catch a body during
the Mexican American War.
Speaker 3: Okay, ally, really.
Speaker 2: He was too high up, too far back. You're not
like it's like, you know, I and Grant didn't kill
kill anyone in the Civil War. Like they're not on
the front line.
Speaker 3: They're living cush, they're on a horse, they're in a
nice town.
Speaker 2: It's just like smoking cigars. Like, how's the battle going. Yeah,
speaking of Grant, Now we got Grant and this one
we have a few more details on.
Speaker 3: Of course, he seems like he like keeps a ledger, like,
he seems like he's a pretty prodigious journaler.
Speaker 2: He he is widely considered to have the best presidential
biography autobiography. Yeah, his his what do you call it?
Not notes?
Speaker 1: So nobody from Taylor to Grant you think killed.
Speaker 2: So I looked at one of the one of the
people that could have was James Buchanan, but because he
kind of was in the War of eighteen twelve.
Speaker 1: But Tyler was also in the war.
Speaker 2: But he was he was not. I looked into that
he was he was not doing stuff? Really, gotcha?
Speaker 1: Let me double check because then I also always get
Taylor and Tyler mixed up.
Speaker 2: I'm like one of them in the Mexican America. That's Taylor, yeah,
Prinus Taylor, yeah yeah, yeah. But Grant So, like I
just said, Grant didn't kill anyone during the Civil War,
but he was a very young officer during the Mexican War.
He saw combat in major battles including the Battle of Monterey,
the Battle of Molino del Rey, and Chapel Tepic chipolto
chipolt Yeah, Chipoltopec. I think it's right.
Speaker 3: Oh, Dan knows how to pronounce something. You're welcome, Wow, shocked,
so many, so many unique things happening today. Du Yeah,
Dan can't say words correctly.
Speaker 2: Dan's drinking does words?
Speaker 1: Wait?
Speaker 2: Maybe that's it, just drink.
Speaker 1: There's a segment on inside CFM.
Speaker 2: Dan does words, Dan does words? Just was it just
putting words in front of you and how do you
read them?
Speaker 1: Jake reading words and me trying to figure out what
they mean.
Speaker 2: That's a mean segment. That's hilarious. That's pretty good. So
what's interesting about Grant is that he was actually a quartermaster.
Speaker 3: What's a quartermaster?
Speaker 2: You're in charge of supplies, which means you're not fighting.
He's the bootman. Yeah, he makes sure that he's logistics,
he's what equipment manager. Yes, he's what as someone in
the army today would call a pogue, a person other
than grunt. Huh So like not a not a shooter,
a cook, like that important job. Someone's going to do
logistics when wars. That's truly how it is. But Grant
would often leave his little post because he wanted to
get some He.
Speaker 3: Was not get some ass or get some action action.
Speaker 2: He was not content with filling out ledgers and sending
boots off to the you know, yes, so he would
go out. There was one battle. He probably get kills
during this battle, I think it was Monterey, but he
was like, let me do something. I'm a He's actually
one of the best horse riders in a US military history,
like one awards for it. And why did he grow
up on horse farmers something kind of yeah, I mean
he had everyone had a horseback them, but he had horses.
He volunteered, what did he do tricks? He did tricks
in battle.
Speaker 3: Sick dude. That's so fucking cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Speaker 2: He voluntared the battle Battle of Monterey. He volunteered to
take messages between the two different like lines of the
US military they were kind of separated or whatever through
sniper fire. And he would do it on a horse
by riding on the side of the horse, like folly
on the side of the horse. Beautiful the US President.
I love a showman. I do like, this is a
straight up US president doing horse flips and all.
Speaker 3: He isn't battle.
Speaker 2: Pretty fucking bad ass.
Speaker 3: That's awesome.
Speaker 1: Essentially a Wild West show.
Speaker 3: That's so cool.
Speaker 2: So at the Battle of Chapultepec, Grant probably did get
his body, so that's probably where it happened. So Grant
it uh and some people from the fourth Infantry. They
were this whole like area was being attacked by Mexican
cavalry and they were trying to repel the attacks. So
Grant and a couple of his men took a howitzer,
which is a cannon into the bell tower of the
San Cosme Church. Uh. And they put it up in
the you know, up in the bell tower, reassembled, they
carried it, they disassembed. Yeah, they disassembled it, carried up
to the bell tower, reassembled it. And Grant was firing
that cannon down on Mexican troops. So imagine like you know,
in saving Private Ryan, the guys in the bell tower
with the sniper rifle, that with a cannon. Fuck, so
you're like bowling. Yeah, yeah, just black and he was
I think he he was promoted because of his bravery
in that battle from what he did. Uh. He also
led a charge at the Battle of Resaca de la Palma,
So Lee probably caught a body there too, surely. Yeah,
so Grant good, I say, Grant a couple bodies at least, Yeah,
maybe up maybe upwards of twenty. Like I don't really mean,
I feel like.
Speaker 3: With the cannon, it's like pretty big, right, Like.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you're taking more than it's not just one.
Speaker 3: It's like you know you could yes, and especially like
it explodes on contacts, so like maybe.
Speaker 2: There's not these cannons. No, these were just a big
ball before we proceed, I'd like to apologize. James Monroe
was unfamiliar with your military service. Got wounded in the
Battle of Trenton. He did. He charged a cannon and
was ripped to pieces, almost died right there on the battlefield.
Speaker 1: So nobody, no.
Speaker 3: No, he was so embarrassing a door that's so stupid, like,
oh do.
Speaker 2: You think this thing is? This thing on?
Speaker 1: But thank you for your service, Jess Monroe.
Speaker 2: So from the research I was doing, someone was like, oh,
I think mon Road did because he was like super
duper on the front lines of the revolution. And then
someone was like, yeah, but he was and he was
more in the way. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of an
immediate out of action situation. Uh. Next up we have
Grover Cleveland. Cleveland is my favorite. Okay, Cleveland did not
catch his bodies in a war.
Speaker 3: Yes, this is what I wanted.
Speaker 2: And he did not catch his bodies in a duel.
Speaker 3: I love it. What was it? Was it petty was
a woman just to count as murder. If it was
a woman before she could have she could vote.
Speaker 2: If it's a woman who's not breeding enough, yeah.
Speaker 3: If she doesn't have child, if it's a childless woman,
is it murder or is it a service to society?
Speaker 2: I think it's just one less mouth, one less mouth,
you know what I mean? It was the guess what
in Cleveland.
Speaker 3: I'm spinster level. I'm definitely I definitely would have been
tried for witch at this.
Speaker 1: Point Cleveland called a body stopping a crime.
Speaker 2: You have right? Ooh, you're half right. He was a
visual perpetuating a crime. He was the sheriff of Erie County,
New York, and thus as sheriff.
Speaker 1: Self appointed, who's batman, he was in charge of executions.
Speaker 3: Oh so he but he did it, he di white it.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So he wanted so hard to find a good execution.
Speaker 2: She wanted to set an example and not have his
men do anything he wouldn't do, so Ned Stark of him. Yes,
this is very much a Ned Stark situation. So Cleveland
caught two bodies as sheriff of Erie County, New York,
both murderers, one on September sixth, eighteen seventy two. One
on Valentine's Day eighteen seventy three. He personally executed first
Patrick Morrissey, who was convicted of murdering his mother, and
then executed another murderer the year later John Gaffney or
six months later or whatever. The method hanging you not necessarily.
Sometimes he probably tied the rope. Sometimes where you kick
a stool out. Sometimes it's a short box and you
yank like a pinata, you yank to break the net
the human pinata.
Speaker 1: Did you do the research to figure out how he
killed them?
Speaker 2: I did not see quite how Cleveland did it. It
just says by hanging, and he you kicked the box
and yank or just kicked the box, but he killed him.
Speaker 3: I feel like kicking the box would be kind of
hard because it's like there's somebody standing on it like it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, no, be pretty easy, you think, yeah, uh,
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But the thing is, so if you do tabletop and
someone if it's a if it's have you guys ever
seen Deadwood? Yes, this was the first episode of Deadwood.
Speaker 1: I've only seen the movie serious.
Speaker 3: Oh, it was like the movie.
Speaker 2: Sucks that Timoy the elphant has to hang somebody in
the first episode and he's like, do me quick, and
so he didn't want to want choke, so he kicks
him off the box and then yanks him as hard
as he can to break his neck.
Speaker 3: He has because he has stones, because he has morals.
Speaker 2: And I like to believe that Grover Cleveland yanked.
Speaker 3: He seems like a yankor yeah, he yanked, and then
he and then he shanked, and then he sank.
Speaker 2: No one can say.
Speaker 3: Pranked, and then he and then after all that was done,
he drank.
Speaker 2: Probably Uh, next up, William McKinley. We could make that
a Doctor Seuss book.
Speaker 3: The Doctors in his book of Grover Cleveland's share Execution
A Day in the Life, get ready with me to
go execute someone?
Speaker 2: Just like a children's book series of all the presidents,
but it's all their darkest shit. It's like cute George
Washington's slave Teeth. It's Thomas Jefferson's bastard children who. But
I didn't realize this.
Speaker 1: By the way.
Speaker 2: Uh. Sally Hemmings three quarters white.
Speaker 3: I believe it because it's like because.
Speaker 2: Thomas Jefferson's father in law banged her mom. Wow from
a long life of slave bangings. Yeah, but so like
Thomas Jefferson's kids with Sally Hemmings.
Speaker 3: Were mostly white.
Speaker 2: They were almost completely white.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they were white.
Speaker 2: Could have passed. They did pass. They like several of
them fully passed, and then the other ones that didn't
pass as well, I think didn't get freed till later.
Speaker 3: It must have been even harder to pass because like
you can't like wear sunscreen when you're working, you know,
like you can't really protect yourself from getting ten.
Speaker 2: You know, so everyone's kind of looking for it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like they're like, and how do you straighten your hair?
I guess with an iron there's curly hair back then
not but like you know, you think the pale. Yeah,
but like like a you know, like a kinky curly hair.
It's hard to hard to hard to tame.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how about an issue?
Speaker 3: Was some burn you think the probably pretty bad? Do
you think it would would have died with melanoma at
this point I.
Speaker 2: Would have gone outside. First off, I'm the I'm the
exact fairness of a aristocrat from the time, which means
I'm not outside in the first place. Secondly, they're all
working in long sleeves for the most part.
Speaker 3: Like it's like a yeah, I guess they don't have
like tank tops.
Speaker 2: I mean, I mean, let's be honest, though, like look
at uh if you if you just see any like
gardener or day laborer out there, they still wear all
these big ass hats. But you can tell by the hands.
Oh yes, it's always the hands.
Speaker 1: Hands give it away, robs hands soft.
Speaker 3: I know I have more callouses than you.
Speaker 2: Probably good. I take pride in my soft hands.
Speaker 1: Mine are manufactured though, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you go do it to yourself.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean yeah, it's not like earning these callouses
on for somebody else.
Speaker 2: These are these are mine. Uh So. William McKinley is next.
He lived by the sword, he died by the sword.
He was one of our presidents who was assassinated. But
before he was assassinated, he saw some ship. He might
have seen the worst combat of any president that we've had.
Speaker 1: Kinley was in.
Speaker 2: World War Civil War, Oh.
Speaker 3: Specifically, yeah, and you're off your game today.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to kind of gauge how old he would
have been.
Speaker 2: He was a relatively old when he was president, not
super old, but he was young, and he was young
when he was in the Civil War. But his unit,
the twenty third Ohio was right in the fucking thick
of it in Antietam. Oh shit, absolutely the bloody day
in US history to date, like brutal, even more than
nine to eleven. Yes, it did beat it beats nine eleven.
Speaker 1: Really, Oh by a wide margin.
Speaker 3: You do a lot of things beat nine eleven.
Speaker 2: Yeah. No, nine to eleven was like three thousand people. Yeah,
and Tietam's not much more than that. Nine to eleven,
I think beat Pearl Harbor or actually it might still
be behind Pearl Harbor. But nine eleven is like third,
So like more than those amount of troops died, like
in a day during World War Two.
Speaker 3: But like in one place, at one time, one event.
Speaker 2: Nine to eleven is top three. Interesting, Antietam's number one though,
Uh And McKinley was right in the thick of it
during Antietam.
Speaker 3: Was he an officer or was he just Okay, so.
Speaker 2: He's on the high with a musket, yeah, grunt, Yeah,
he's doing shit. Almost certainly caught a body there also
served on the on the front lines and several other engagements.
Did get promoted to officer at one point, but still
the battles he saw were horrible, even even like small
battles in the Civil War were a fucking nightmare. Like
you hear about Antietam and Gettysburg, but they were all
fucking gnarly. Yeah, he said of Cloyd's Mountain, when his
men charged enemy trenches and drove the rebels from their position.
McKinley said, of that combat, it was and this is
after Antietam, it was quote as desperate as any witness
during the war. So like even in engagements you never
heard of. It was just the grossest, shittiest fucking combat.
McKinley right in the middle of it. Never more than
a junior officer like a lieutenant or I think he
might have risen further.
Speaker 1: But what you're right though, there's about thirty six hundred fatalities,
but twenty three thousand casualties.
Speaker 2: So twenty three.
Speaker 1: Thousand people got shot at least like stabbed.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yikes, that's all long.
Speaker 2: That was in like five hours.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I mean, I guess so I wonder how
many people died just from like not being urgent enough
for immediate medical attention, you know, like dying in the
next few days.
Speaker 2: So yeah, the amount of people because like there's not
enough who died in the staff. The amount of like
battle casualties in the Civil War, it would have been
half that if it happened to World War two. Yeah,
like just from their wounds that weren't properly treated or
affected or whatever. Handwashing. Yeah, all kinds of fun ship. Like.
Speaker 1: Also, I'll admit it, I thought the word casualty meant
deaths until about like a year and a half, ten
years ago.
Speaker 2: Yeah, people trying to kind of bump bump it up
by saying casualties and then they just let you.
Speaker 1: I don't like it, don't care for it.
Speaker 2: Also, it's kind of funny that it's casualty.
Speaker 3: Is like it has the word casual in it, like
it's no big deal, but it's like kind of a.
Speaker 2: Big deal, exactly the exact opposite of casual Yeah.
Speaker 1: In fact, there's casualties and fatalities, so that kind of
counterbalances each other.
Speaker 3: Yeah, fatal but if you if you say it in
the same breath, but if you just say casualties, it Intentially,
people fatally.
Speaker 2: Leave the battle, and some people just kind of.
Speaker 3: Casually, casually walk down on a stretch one leg less
than they entered.
Speaker 1: And that's how I'm going to forever remember, you know, I.
Speaker 2: Lost forty pounds? What do I do it? Also? Did
in those cherries or amputation? Yeah? Cherries and your diary
and amputation. Yeah, that's the way to do it.
Speaker 3: Uh, doctors, hat is one trick.
Speaker 2: McKinley absolutely caught bodies. He was in horrible, horrible combat.
I have no doubt he got bodies. Next up is
the man who replaced McKinley in the office because McKinley
was assassinated, Teddy Roosevelt. This the youngest US president Roosevelt.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the youngest US president ever.
Speaker 3: Cute? How old was he?
Speaker 2: Forty two? Forty one? Nice? But he was elected.
Speaker 1: If Trump wins and JEDDI Vance gets in, he'll be
the youngest.
Speaker 2: If Trump wins dies in office in Dvance, it's.
Speaker 3: A lot of ifs.
Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of ifs. But uh dies or it
gets I don't know, whatever.
Speaker 1: There's a possibility because Vance is what in his thirties,
he's thirty nine. Really, he's got some.
Speaker 2: Years are you thirty eight? Okay, right, you could be
watching a super Bowl highlight earlier today of John Elway
in the Super Bowl. Old ask John Elway in his
Super Bowl he won? He was thirty seven.
Speaker 3: That's so old to be playing in a super Bowl
thirty seven?
Speaker 1: When did John Alway do the vortext commercials?
Speaker 3: Probably is he the one that had the they had
the first phone, which is the team that had the
first phone on?
Speaker 1: Joe Horn with the Saints, Okay was it?
Speaker 3: No, it was somebody else and he was like calling
his wife during the Super Bowl.
Speaker 1: That yes, yes day Joe Horn put was a cell
phone out of the goal post though for a touchdown celebration.
He did what he pulled a cell phone out of
the goal post for a touchdown celebration.
Speaker 2: To like call someone and be like a score touch
Did he like put his phone in there? Hit his
phone in the hilarious So Roosevelt is another one that
we have absolute confirmation, oh yeah, that he killed someone.
This is the third that we have the absolute confirmations,
not only forget just oh yeah, rough.
Speaker 1: Riders boom boom boom, boom boom.
Speaker 2: It's in his Medal of Honor commentation. H shut him down,
open up shot. Oh we didn't get here on YouTube.
Speaker 1: I was just kind of doing a little background for
you to like do your Okay, you do the whole
thing as we kind of dmxit in the back.
Speaker 2: Look, there's nothing I would love more than do an
a cappella episode, just me, me narrating while there's a
cappella backing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, We're just providing all I want them.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna read you, Teddy Roosevelt's Medal of Honor commendation. Now,
this is not the only body of Roosevelt caught, I imagine.
This is just this is the one that we know
for sure he caught. This is the third president who
we have one hundred percent confirmation he killed. I saw
thing too.
Speaker 1: You had to die for the Medal of Honor that man,
But no, ted he lived.
Speaker 2: So of Roosevelt, it says for conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity,
intrepidity at the risk of his life, above and beyond
the call of duty. Lieutenant Colonel Theodore Roosevelt distinguished himself
by acts of bravery on the first of July eighteen
ninety eight, near San Diego, Santiago de Cuba, Republic of
Cuba while leading a daring charge up San Juan Hill.
Lieutenant Colonel Roosevelt, in total disregard for his personal safety
and accompanied by only four or five men, led a
desperate and gallant charge up San Juan Hill, encouraging his
troops to continue the assault through withering enemy fire over
open countryside. Facing the enemy's heavy fire, he displayed extraordinary
bravery through the charge and was the first to reach
the enemy trenches, where he quickly killed one of the
enemy with his pistol, allowing his men to continue the assault.
His leadership and valor turned the tide in the battle
for San Juan Hill. Lieutenant Colonel Roosevelt's extraordinary herosm and
devotion to doty or in keeping with the highest traditions.
Blah blah blah. So in his commendation confirmed kill not
the only kill he had that day, I assume, not
the only kill in the war he had, I assume,
But Roosevelt confirmed body on San Juan Hill.
Speaker 3: I just love all the the adjectives that they use, right,
like they really dress it up, and like you know,
in total disregard for his personal There was another funny
one in there of just like insulting adjectives like this
fucking idiot can't believe he did it, But because he did,
here's the metal risk of his.
Speaker 2: Life, above and beyond the call of duty, above.
Speaker 3: And beyond back when men were men.
Speaker 2: Bully, this is like I need to do. I want
to do an audio sketch on Patreon where I'm just
Teddy Roosevelt get wanting to get into a fight for nobody.
Just something Bully Russell Crowe fighting around the world pretty much,
it's Teddy Roosevelt fighting around the world, Like Teddy Roosevelt
just wants to beat the shit out of a bear,
and it does just for the sake of ever go. Well, yeah, now,
I mean he definitely has like the most exotic animals
that were killed in office, right, one would think he
had a lot of weird animals just wandering around the
White House too.
Speaker 3: That's it. That's the like, that's something I would do.
Like it's like the point of that high of an
office is like no one's gonna tell you no, so
you can have whatever animals you want, and like you
don't even really have to do all the grunt work.
Speaker 2: Somebody else takes care of them, like the.
Speaker 3: Queen and all her corkies. I bet those are the
worst behaved corkies.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sure they're complete assholes, fucking dicks. Yeah, he
had dogs, cats, guinea pigs, ponies all wandering around. I
think he had a racon someone had a raccoon.
Speaker 1: I thought it was I mean, essentially, that's what Middle
Eastern princes do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, twenty falcons. Have you seen the picture of the
Saudi prince who has all his falcons on a plane? Yes?
Speaker 3: Yes, and they all have their own seats. Yes, yes,
I love it.
Speaker 2: I want to party with the Saudi prince. That's just
like at this point. Uh. Next up is the president
who probably has more kills than any other US president,
George Bush close But no.
Speaker 1: Cigar, it's not HW no, although actually it might be
HW not hand in hand, but between his like intelligence work.
Speaker 2: Oh well, if you want to count orders, well, it's
got to be Fdr Truman, Truman or F Well Truman
is the one I'm about to talk about. H Yeah,
but Truman didn't pull that lever on the atomic bomb.
We're talking about Truman when he was in the military,
because he commanded an artillery unit in World War One.
And he was personally pulling triggers on cannons.
Speaker 1: Truman is exactly how he's portrayed in Oppenheimer.
Speaker 2: Yeah, have you seen Oppenheimer. He's just like a So
Truman was the last president to not go to college.
Kind of amazing forty five, forty six, forty seve mean,
he was in World War One, but when he was presidents.
Speaker 1: Like well, he also wasn't elected. FDR died in office.
Speaker 2: He was eventually elected, right, but first term he was not. Yeah,
he was FDR Vice president. He was the commander of
an artillery unit in World War One and saw both
close combat and also helped fire off batteries when necessary.
In a battle called the Battle of Who Run, his
soldiers were attacked suddenly in the night. Germans were overrunning
the position. Truman succeeded at ordering his men to stay
in the fight by using horrible profanity, allegedly from his
quote Railroad Days. The men were the men were so
impressed with his cursing that they just forgot the Germans
were shooting animal creative curse.
Speaker 1: I mean, he's just hanging out with the Chinese and
Irish too long, and it's yeah, ReBs.
Speaker 2: Off it does.
Speaker 3: It does earn trust. It's proven scientifically that if you curse,
people trust you more. Yeah, they were like, you're more relatable.
Speaker 2: Yeah. His unit was also part of a massive pre
arranged assault barrage before the meuse Argonne offensive, so one
of the biggest offensive at the end of the war.
So he was part of shooting off the cannons that
killed a whole bunch of Germans and trenches. Truman also
at one point saved a bunch of lives while killing
a bunch of other people. He saw German battery setting
up to shoot so that they could fire on the
twenty eighth Division, which is like near his people, and
Truman ordered his guys to just start ragining fucking helling them,
even though he didn't have orders to do it, and
he got in trouble for it, but he killed every
the entire artillery unit that was setting up. Again, he
was part of working some of the batteries and probably
pulled triggers from time to time, not consistently, but Truman's
probably got a good amount of bodies just working in
artillery piece in World War One. That is where most
of the kills came from. His artillery so Harry Truman,
body after body and then obviously you know, okay, two
nukes on Japan, which you didn't drop the bomb? Yeah
I did. No one's going to give a shit who
made it? I dropped.
Speaker 3: I want to watch it. It's just been there hasn't
been a good three hour stretch from like what it
seems like.
Speaker 1: It's like it's pace.
Speaker 2: Every scene is like a minute. Yeah it is. The
pacing's insane. I was like stunned by the pacing. Gerald
Ford got someone World War two, but I'm not sure
he has a kill, so I'm gonna skip him. He worked,
he was on an aircraft, carried had a couple jobs,
including an anti aircraft battery, so he definitely shot at
people trying to kill him. But who knows. It's too
if he a proposition to say for sure, last got
HW not Candy. No, I look into Kennedy. Probably no
kills on PT one O nine, certainly, even.
Speaker 3: If he did, he just went to confession. Yeah, and
then and then they were absolved.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it doesn't count. Uh. He saw action and was
in very dangerous situations and did heroic things. But from
what I can tell, I didn't see any evidence of
a kill. He could, but I didn't. I couldn't find
anything even great about it. Gotcha. Bush though, flew fifty
eight combat missions in the Pacific in World War Two.
He was what he was, a bomber pilot based off
a carrier, the USS San Jacinto in the Pacific theater.
In the Navy in World War two. It was a
Grumming TBF Avenger. It's a torpedo bomber, so you took
off from an aircraft carrier. They would sometimes the would
use torpedo, sometimes they drop regular bombs. I would imagine
his lanky physique, yeah, earned him the nickname in the
Navy skin.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, it's also weird that. Yeah, he is kind
of tall for a pilot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the lanky slender slender man.
Speaker 2: That is not a good It's the type of nickname
you get if you kill a lot of people. I
feel like it sounds like someone that kills a lot
of people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like you have. I don't know.
Speaker 2: He was six to two hw so, Yeah, dude a.
Speaker 3: Bitch compared to Washington.
Speaker 2: They're not letting like a five to five dude run
the CIA.
Speaker 3: Who's the shortest president?
Speaker 2: Uh Madison?
Speaker 3: Yeah, probably because I feel like people don't want a
short like you. You want to elect a guy that's
like manly and masculine.
Speaker 2: Tallest president was Lincoln at six to four five.
Speaker 3: Four is very short.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, he wouldn't win today.
Speaker 3: He wouldn't win.
Speaker 2: To no, we would never win today.
Speaker 3: Like just a handshake alone, the handshake at the debate
next to a normal sizement, like that would crush him
ten points in the polls, lost right there easily, just
little baby. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he would get padded on the head, no doubt,
like Trump would.
Speaker 2: My god, it would be Yeah.
Speaker 3: There's no recovering, no recovering from being five four. Yeah. No,
no personality or dance skills or income could offset that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. So Uh. In one of Bush's many engagements UH,
an attack on a Japanese installation, he successfully hit several targets,
but his plane was taken down by enemy fire. His
crew members died, but Bush was able to bail out
from the aircraft. UH. Several other planes on that same
mission if you know this, were also shot down and
the pilots were captured and executed and eaten by the Japanese. Eaten.
So George HW. Bush could have been a pow is
close to being eaten by Japanese soldiers.
Speaker 3: I'm so glad he wasn't, because then we'd never have
George W's beautiful watercolors.
Speaker 2: Exactly as the world wouldn't have we never have that
image of Hw at an Astros game holding a baseball.
Speaker 3: Yeah, does it look like he doesn't know how to
hold it.
Speaker 1: No, he's just on his deathbed essentially, which.
Speaker 2: Is sad because he does know how to hold a baseball.
He's a D one athlete and also pitched for Yale.
Speaker 1: It's around the same time that some woman accused him
of like groping her, like at that age, but he
had no idea where he was.
Speaker 2: Like like he was just like someone tried to someone
tried to meet to ninety three year old George hw.
Speaker 3: Bush in like the eighties or nineties.
Speaker 2: No, like at that time when he was twenty twelve.
They were like, he groped me, and everyone was like
he's senile.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's alone, that's what he doesn't have the dexterity
for groping.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there was this one situation. I don't know if
you've heard about this a while back, but it made
me really annoyed some women like tried to shame me too,
whatever Gary Busey for groping them at a photo event,
Like you could go take pictures with Gary Busey. Yea,
and he probably did it. But here's my thing with
that is like people were only there to take pictures
with him. This is what he looks like you You
were only there to take pictures with Gary Busey. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh.
Speaker 2: The sexual predator can take many forms, and that isn't
one of them.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh no, poor guy.
Speaker 3: And the astros orange socky and his little khakis. Those shoes,
like the tread is completely unworn. Like those shoes I've
never touched.
Speaker 2: That I've never touched payer. Yeah, but the Gary Busey thing,
it was like he was accused of groping numb or whatever.
He probably did, But you were at an event to
take a photo with Gary Busey. You kind of consent
to groping the only being there. The only reason you're
there is because you think it's funny that he's insane. Yeah, So,
like imagine getting angry at a circus bear from mauling
you when you try to take a picture with the.
Speaker 3: Circuit But it's like, no, it's like being mad that,
Like you're taking a picture next to like a horse
on Sixth Street and being mad that the horse like shits.
It's like, right, that's you're you're in the line of fire.
That's just what they do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's like Gary, but your take and you're only
there because he's crazy. Yeah, and then he did something
crazy and you're mad. I mean groping. It's like you're
not there for poor grow up. Groping is just not cancelable.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, Like not for an insane person or like
unless it's like a child.
Speaker 1: But it's like, yeah, I don't totally agree with what
Rob's arguing, but yeah, definitely hw because he has no
idea where he was at that.
Speaker 3: Point, he could just take the compliment. Oh, Gary Busey
thought I had a good ass. Sounds nice.
Speaker 2: I don't think Gary Busey was trying to feel if
you were a demon or not.
Speaker 3: It's all it really was was trying to extract your soul.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like Gary Busey wanted to make sure you were real.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like that's that he was real. This is really happening.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Uh, that's all I got for today. Those are
all the presidents we know for sure snatched a life
with their bare hands?
Speaker 1: Do you think Prince Harry got a body.
Speaker 2: So he probably called in artillery strikes? Yeah, but I
don't think that counts first. Yeah, Like I don't count
everybody that Truman's unit got as his because he was
ordering it. It's got to be the ones where he
was yanking and from all from all accounts, he was
often pulled, like not often, but he would pull the
trigger on the canon from time time. Okay, I think if.
Speaker 3: I think, if anything, Prince Harry's body count is like
maybe like a drunken antic, you know, or like I
feel like it's more of like a heard of Yeah,
like something like something that just kind of got swept
under the rug and somebody got a big check and
well like you know, his mom died.
Speaker 2: He gave someone too much cocaine, Yeah, like too good
of cocaine.
Speaker 3: Like if you're used to like sludge and you get
the pure you're trying to like, Yeah, it's like when
when old people smoke weed today, they're like this is
just different than it was. It's like, yeah, this isn't
like this wasn't like grown in someone's like closet and
this is like Dick.
Speaker 2: Cheney tried to get a body. Oh good, there's several
vice presidents of bodies that didn't get into it. But
and then.
Speaker 1: Certainly has bodies.
Speaker 2: But yeah, as far as Congressman go.
Speaker 1: When he went hunted and he tried to kill his
friend Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton bodies.
Speaker 2: So many bodies, so many not not her own hands
can't count. I know she she's got a good wet work. Guy. Yeah,
I'm saying, but it's got your own hands. You got
to snatch that.
Speaker 3: I've never heard of wet work yourself.
Speaker 1: You're not the biz.
Speaker 2: You're not in the biz. What you guys learned today?
Speaker 1: I learned that, uh, Tailor and Tyler are different people.
Now I knew that, but I just always I think
it just barely though they served right by each other.
Speaker 2: I get them mixed up all the time. So fair.
Speaker 1: I thought Tyler was in the Mexican American War.
Speaker 2: It was Taylor Tyler. I think it was in the
War of eighteen War. I said that.
Speaker 3: I learned that George Washington was six to four.
Speaker 2: Who know, I think that's probably why he.
Speaker 1: Was elected being six four, Madison being five four.
Speaker 3: I think Madison being five four, that's hilarious.
Speaker 2: That's a lot. That was the guy. To be fair,
our shortest president white House burned down, reached the stove
to turn it off. Fucking Canadians. They didn't respect his height.
Who's today's hitler? Is it Jackson?
Speaker 3: It's always Jackson.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Jackson rightfully killed the guy.
Speaker 2: And you know in.
Speaker 3: The Jackson's Crew, it's like Jackson's.
Speaker 2: Challenge to a duel that he then tried to cheat
at and didn't succeed.
Speaker 3: Won the duel, but didn't pretty ungentlemanly to cheat at
a duel.
Speaker 1: He didn't really cheat, you know, grease the he let the.
Speaker 2: Guy hit him. So here's it's cheating in the way
like you know back in the day when you play
beer pung and someone would be a total twat and
like put their hand over the cups and they he
knows me, always me, dude, It's not.
Speaker 1: It was like it's like power slap and you lot,
you let the first the person go before you you
eat it and then you just wind up and.
Speaker 2: I mean, he fucking ate it. Yeah, go full blast.
Speaker 3: You think he got like lead poisoning from it like,
did he have an last It was perfectly that's crazy.
Speaker 2: Good for him, impressive bastards live forever. Yeah, yeah, uh
is your hitler Jackson as well? I think so. I
don't know. I mean, I don't I don't think there's true.
Speaker 1: It's not even Jackson, it's literally George Washington. For he
killed a guy that was trying to surrender.
Speaker 2: His troops, did sir? I think he got I don't
know if he killed back. I do think that was
the least he got war crimed bodies.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's justified upright. Yeah, Like that's the
most crooked killing, right.
Speaker 1: He's supposed to be this upstanding founding father.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he's just fucking axing.
Speaker 2: And he probably took a scalp.
Speaker 1: Maybe you think this was erely Washington.
Speaker 3: Was before the different man, before he calmed down. He
was saved for his house broken.
Speaker 1: He was a fucking wild man.
Speaker 2: I mean, he was fiery, red hair at the I'm
just imagining Conan with wood teeth. It's probably accurate. When
did she By the way, you know that George Washington
was Martha Washington's second.
Speaker 3: Husband, because didn't you have a kid already? Did he
have step kids.
Speaker 2: I don't know. So they were married in seventeen fifty nine.
Speaker 3: But didn't she have kids before?
Speaker 2: Probably? Honestly, he was unmarried and he was not married
at times. Single man.
Speaker 3: That that is the actions of a sing that's those
are the actions of a man without a woman in
his bed.
Speaker 2: But also, do you want to be a second husband.
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't want to be anyone's husband.
Speaker 2: She was pretty rich and her husband died. I think
you just got to get one out the system, you what,
you gotta get one out of the system, like he
should have married someone else, have her and then she
dies in childbirth?
Speaker 3: Yeah okay, yeah, but then the worst case scenario is
you're stuck with the living child and the mom died.
Then you have to take care of it.
Speaker 2: But then you start dating again. Find some hot sixteen
year old in town and just like.
Speaker 3: Start black dating.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have her kid place. Well, first there's forty
slave wet nurses on the plantation. That's George. Has that
taken care of?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Sure? But yeah, then you just find some cute high
schooler in town and that's your new wife, and then
you marry her. Yeah, and then you go war crimes
some French guys.
Speaker 3: No, but I don't think he would have done war
crimes if he was married. I think war crimes are
for young man. War crimes are a bachelor's game.
Speaker 2: Yeah, explains many bachelor parties have been. I feel like
Napolean committed a lot of war crimes in the name
of his wife, but how many did he do? Buy?
Speaker 3: I love his dirty letters to his wife. I love
the he was like a sexter Napoleon.
Speaker 2: Oh you should, uh did we do James Joyce's.
Speaker 1: He was kind of a sub right, like his wife
dominated him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he would like talk about how he wanted
to Yeah, domb on the field, sub in the bedroom. Yeah.
Nothing beats Prince Charles's letters to Camilla where he's like,
I wish I was your tampax so I could live
inside you.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful royal.
Speaker 3: That's Today's Yeah, today and every.
Speaker 2: Day you're Todays Taylor. Now that's you know that, it's.
Speaker 3: A gruesome, disgusting that was like written down, yes, and.
Speaker 2: You know he like reread it and he was like, oh,
that's good. That's the one that made the edit all right.
Well for Dan Regester and Gabby Monte. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 3: Up all me on everything at gab Monty unless you
have something mean to say and then don't perfect.
Speaker 1: Also leave comments on the YouTube. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.
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Rate and review on Apple and Spotify five stars. On
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So you can literally sign up right now and you'll
be good for like the rest of the year.
Speaker 2: It's a lot, I.
Speaker 3: Mean, any merch coming.
Speaker 1: In merch software here dot com. But people are raving
right now about Skippy the Roach.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm starting to do audio sketches spare pet rooms.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 2: People better than spare bedroom?
Speaker 3: What better sound quality than spare bedroom.
Speaker 2: Well, it's not recorded in a spare bedroom anymore. Yeah,
We're not recorded on like a phone. Yeah, uh no,
it's yeah. So I'm trying to do a sketch every
other week. Try to stand this schedule. I I've been
off and already because last week's production schedule for the
studio was we already got our next one? What Teddy
Roosevelt fights around the world.
Speaker 3: I just want more rob as like a prostitute. I
love Helen Slagerman.
Speaker 2: Helen Slagraman is coming back that there's one diary of
Helen Slagerman on there so far. There's given me another
one coming in the next couple of weeks.
Speaker 3: Helen.
Speaker 2: Uh, yeah, I've got a sketch idea I'm writing right
now for the next one. And then what do you
want after Helen? After that?
Speaker 3: You gotta space out your Helen's because it's hell on
your voice.
Speaker 2: It actually fucking is. He's never the same.
Speaker 3: It's my favorite, a little piece of every time he does.
Speaker 2: The voice Helen Slagerman.
Speaker 1: You can find him as Rob Fox three on Socials.
I'm damn Rejester R E g E s T E R.
Speaker 2: I can't do right now. It's not ready, it's not ready.
And yeah, Rob take us out, uh for Damn Jester
and Gabby want to me or I'm Rob Fox. You
just got Saucer