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Speaker 1: My favorite murder by Ambrose Bierce. Having murdered my mother

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under circumstances of singular atrocity, I was arrested and put

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upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In charging the jury,

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the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that it

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was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had

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ever been called upon to explain. Away. At this, my

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attorney rose and said, may it please your honor, crimes

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are ghastly or agreeable only by comparison. If you were

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familiar with the details of my client's previous murder of

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his uncle, you would discern in his later offense. If

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offense it may be called something in the nature of

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tender forbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.

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The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeed inconsistent

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with any hypothesis but that of guilt. And had it

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not been for the fact that the honorable judge before

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whom he was tried was the president of a life

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insurance company that took risks on hanging, and in which

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my client held a policy, it is hard to see

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how he could decently have been acquitted If your honor

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would like to hear about it for instruction and guidance

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of your Honor's mind. This unfortunate man, my client will

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consent to give himself the pain of relating it under oath.

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The district attorney said, your Honor, I object. Such a

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statement would be in the nature of evidence, and the

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testimony in this case is closed. The prisoner's statement should

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have been introduced three years ago, in the spring of

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eighteen eighty one, in a statutory sense, said the judge.

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You are right, and in the court of objections and

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technicalities you would get a ruling in your favor, but

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not in a court of acquittal. The objection is overruled.

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I accept, said the district attorney. You cannot do that.

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The judge said, I must remind you that in order

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to take an excit sception, you must first get this

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case transferred for a time to the Court of Exceptions

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on a formal motion duly supported by affidavits. A motion

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to that effect by your predecessor in office was denied

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by me during the first year of this trial. Mister

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Clerk swear the prisoner the customary oath having been administered,

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I made the following statement which impressed the judge with

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so strong a sense of the comparative triviality of the

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offense for which I was on trial, that he made

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no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply instructed the

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jury to acquit, and I left the court without a

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stain upon my reputation. I was born in eighteen fifty

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six in Calamacki, Michigan, of honest and reputable parents, one

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of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in

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my later years. In eighteen sixty seven, the family came

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to California and settled near Nigger Head, where my father

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opened a road agency and prospered beyond the dreams of avarice.

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He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though his increasing

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years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his disposition,

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and I believe that nothing but his memory of the

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sad event for which I am now on trial prevents

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him from manifesting a genuine hilarity. Four years after we

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had set up the road agency, an itinerant preacher came along, and,

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having no other way to pay for the night's lodging

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that we gave him favored us with an exhortation of

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such power that, praise God, we were all converted to religion.

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My father at once sent for his brother, the honorable

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William Ridley of Stockton, and on his arrival, turned over

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the agency to him, charging him nothing for the franchise

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nor plant, the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a

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sawed off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out

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of flower sacks. The family then moved to Ghost Rock

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and opened a dance house. It was called the Saint's

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Rest Hurdy Gurdy, and the proceedings each night began with prayer.

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It was there that my now sainted mother, by her

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grace in the dance, acquired the sobriquet of the Bucking Walrus.

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In the fall of seventy five, I had occasion to

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visit Coyote on the road to Mahala, and took the

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stage at ghost Rock. There were four other passengers about

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three miles beyond nigger Head, persons whom I identified as

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my uncle William and his two sons, held up the stage.

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Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers.

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I acted a most honorable part in the affair placing

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myself in life line with the others holding up my

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hands and permitting myself to be deprived of forty dollars

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and a gold watch. From my behavior, no one could

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have suspected that I knew the gentleman who gave the entertainment.

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A few days later, when I went to Niggerhead and

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asked for the return of my money and watch, my

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uncle and cousins swore they knew nothing of the matter,

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and they affected a belief that my father and I

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had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial

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good faith. Uncle William even threatened to retaliate by starting

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an opposition dance house at Ghost Rock, as the Saint's

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rest had become rather unpopular. I saw that this was

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assuredly ruin it and prove a paying enterprise, so I

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told my uncle that I was willing to overlook the

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past if he would take me into the scheme and

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keep the partnership a secret from my father. This fair

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offer he rejected, and I then perceived that it would

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be better and more satisfactory if he were dead. My

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plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them

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to my dear parents, I had the gratification of receiving

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their approval. My father said he was proud of me,

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and my mother promised that although her religion forbade her

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to assist in taking human life, I should have the

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advantage of her prayers for my success. As a preliminary measure,

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looking to my security in case of detection, I made

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an application for membership in that powerful order, the Knights

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of Murder, and in due course was received as a

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member of the Ghost Rock Commandery. On the day that

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my probation ended, I was for the first time permitted

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to inspect the records of the order and learn who

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belonged to it, all the rights of initiation having been

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conducted in masks. Fancy my delight when, in looking over

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the role of membership I found the third name to

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be that of my uncle, who indeed was Junior Vice

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Chancellor of the order. Here was an opportunity exce my

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wildest dreams to murder. I could add insubordination and treachery.

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It was what my good mother would have called a

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special providence. At about this time something occurred which caused

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my cup of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides.

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A circular cataract of bliss. Three men strangers in that locality,

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were arrested for the stage robbery in which I had

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lost my money and watch. They were brought to trial, and,

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despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt

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upon three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of

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ghost Rock, convicted on the clearest proof, the murder would

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now be as wanton and reasonless as I could wish.

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One morning, I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and, going over

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to my uncle's house near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary,

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his wife, if he were at home, adding that I

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had come to kill him. My aunt replied, with her

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peculiar smile, that so many gentlemen called on that errand

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and were afterward carried away without having performed it, that

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I must excuse her for doubting my good faith in

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the matter. She said, I did not look as if

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I would kill anybody, so as a proof of good faith,

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I leveled my rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened

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to be passing the house. She said she knew whole

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families that could do a thing of that kind, but

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Bill Ridley was a horse of another color. She said, however,

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that I would find him over on the other side

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of the creek in the sheep lot, and she added

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that she hoped the best man would win. My aunt

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Mary was one of the most fair minded women that

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I have ever met. I found my uncle down on

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his knees, engaged in skinning a sheep. Seeing that he

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had neither gun nor pistol handy, I had not the

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heart to shoot him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly,

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and struck him a powerful blow on the head with

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the butt of my rifle. I have a very good

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deay livery and Uncle William lay down on his side,

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then rolled over on his back, spread out his fingers

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and shivered. Before he could recover the use of his limbs,

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I seized the knife that he had been using and

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cut his ham strings. You know, doubtless that when you

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sever the tendo achilles, the patient has no further use

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of his leg. It is just the same as if

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he had no leg. Well, I parted them both, and

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when he revived, he was at my service. As soon

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as he comprehended the situation, he said, Samuel, you have

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got the drop on me and can afford to be generous.

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I have only one thing to ask of you, and

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that is that you carry me to the house and

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finish me in the bosom of my family. I told

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him I thought that a pretty reasonable request, and I

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would do so if he would let me put him

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into a wheat sack. He would be easier to carry

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that way, and if we were seen by the neighbors

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en route, it would cause less remark. He agreed to that,

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and going to the barn, I got a sack. This, however,

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did not fit him. It was too short and much

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wider than he. So I bent his legs, forced his

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knees up against his breast, and got him into it

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that way, tying the sack above his head. He was

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a heavy man, and I had all that I could

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do to get him on my back. But I staggered

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along for some distance until I came to a swing

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that some of the children had suspended to the branch

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of an oak. Here I laid him down and sat

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upon him to rest, and the sight of the rope

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gave me a happy inspiration. In twenty minutes, my uncle,

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still in the sack, swung free to the sport of

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the wind I had taken down the rope, tied one

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end tightly about the mouth of the bag, thrown the

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other across the limb, and hauled him up about five

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feet from the ground, fastening the other end of the

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rope also about the mouth of the sack. I had

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the satisfaction to see my uncle converted into a large,

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fine pendulum. I must add that he was not himself

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entirely aware of the nature of the change that he

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had undergone in his relation to the exterior world. Though

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in justice to a good man's memory, I ought to

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say that I do not think he would, in any

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case have wasted much of my time in vain remonstrance.

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Uncle William had a ram that was famous in all

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that region. As a fighter. It was in a state

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of chronic constitutional indignation. Some deep disappointment in early life

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had soured its disposition, and it had declared war upon

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the whole world. To say that it would but anything

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accessible is but faintly to express the nature and scope

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of its military activity. The universe was its antagonist, its

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methods that of a projectile. It fought like the angels

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and devils in mid air, cleaving the atmosphere like a bird.

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Describing a parabolic curve and descending upon its victim at

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just the exact angle of incidence to make the most

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of its velocity and weight. Its momentum, calculated in foot tons,

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was something incredible. It had been seen to destroy a

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four year old bull by a single impact upon that

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animal's gnarly forehead. No stone wall had ever been known

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to resist its downward swoop. There were no trees tough

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enough to stay it. It would splinter them into matchwood

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and defile their leafy honors in the dust. This irascible

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and implacable brute, this incarnate thunderbolt, this monster of the

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upper deep, I had seen reposing in the shade of

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an adjacent tree, dreaming dreams of conquest and glory. It

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was with a view to summoning it forth to the

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field of honor that I suspended its master in the

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manner described. Having completed my preparations, I hearted to the

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avuncular pendulum a gentle oscillation, and, retiring to cover behind

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a contiguous rock, lifted up my voice in a long,

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rasping cry, whose diminishing final note was drowned in a

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noise like that of a swearing cat, which emanated from

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the sack. Instantly, that formidable sheep was upon its feet

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and had taken in the military situation at a glance.

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In a few moments it had approached, stamping to within

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fifty yards of the swinging foemen, who, now retreating and

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anon advancing, seemed to invite the fray. Suddenly I saw

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saw the beast's head drop earthward, as if depressed by

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the weight of its enormous horns. Then a dim, white,

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wavy streak of sheep prolonged itself from that spot in

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a generally horizontal direction to within about four yards of

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a point immediately beneath the enemy. There it struck sharply upward,

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and before it had faded from my gaze at the

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place whence it had set out, I heard a horrid

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thump and a piercing scream, and my poor uncle shot

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forward with a slack rope higher than the limb to

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which he was attached. Here the rope tautened with a jerk,

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resting his flight, and back he swung in a breathless

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curve to the other end of his arc. The ram

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had fallen a heap of indistinguishable legs, wool and horns,

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but pulling itself together and dodging as its antagonist swept downward.

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It retired at random, alternately shaking its head and stamping

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its forefeet. When it had backed about the same distance

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as that from which it had delivered the assault, it paused, again,

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bowed its head as if in prayer for victory, and

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again shot forward, dimly visible as before, a prolonging white

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streak with monstrous undulations, ending with a sharp ascension. Its

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course this time was at a right angle to its

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former one, and its impatience so great that it struck

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the enemy before he had nearly reached the lowest point

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of his arc. In consequence, he went flying round and

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round in a horizontal circle whose radius was about equal

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to half the length of the rope, which I forgot

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to say was nearly twenty feet long. His shrieks crescendo

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in approach and diminuendo in recession, made the rapidity of

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his revolution more obvious to the ear than to the eye.

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He had evidently not yet been struck in a vital spot.

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His posture is the sack, and the distance from the

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ground at which he hung compelled the ram to operate

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upon his lower extremities and the end of his back,

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like a plant that has struck its root into some

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poisonous mineral. My poor uncle was dying slowly upward after

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delivering its second blow. The ram had not again retired.

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The fever of battle burned hot in its heart. Its

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brain was intoxicated with the whine of strife, Like a

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pugilist who, in his rage forgets his skill and fights

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ineffectively at half arm's length. The angry beast endeavored to

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reach its fleeting foe by awkward vertical leaps as he

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passed overhead, sometimes indeed succeeding in striking him feebly, but

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more frequently overthrown by its own misguided eagerness. But as

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the impetus was exhausted and the man's circles narrowed in

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scope and diminished in speed, bringing him nearer to the ground,

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these tactics produced better results, eliciting a superior quality of screams,

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which I greatly enjoyed. Suddenly, as if the bugles had

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sung truce, the ram suspended hostilities and walked away, thoughtfully,

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wrinkling and smoothing its great aquiline nose and occasionally cropping

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a bunch of grass and slowly munching it. It seemed

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to have tired of war's alarms, and resolved to beat

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the sword into a plowshare and cultivate the arts of peace. Steadily.

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It held its course away from the field of Fame

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until it had gained a distance of nearly a quarter

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of a mile. There it stopped and stood with its

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rear to the foe, chewing its cud and apparently half asleep.

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I observed, however, an occasional slight turn of its head,

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as if its apathy were more affected than real. Meantime,

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Uncle William's shrieks had abated with his motion, and nothing

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was heard from him but long, low moans, and at

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long intervals my name uttered in pleading tones exceedingly grateful

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to my ear. Evidently the man had not the faintest

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notion of what was being done to him, and was

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inexpressibly terrified. When death comes, cloaked in mystery, he is terrible. Indeed,

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little by little, my uncle's oscillations diminished, and finally he

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hung motionless. I went to him and was about to

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give him the cut grass, when I heard and felt

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a succession of smart shocks which shook the ground like

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a series of light earthquakes, and tarning in the direction

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of the ram, saw a long cloud of dust approaching

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me with inconceivable rapidity and alarming effect. At a distance

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of some thirty yards away. It stopped short, and from

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the near end of it rose into the air what

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I at first thought was a great white bird. Its

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ascent was so smooth and easy and regular that I

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could not realize its extraordinary celerity, and was lost in

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admiration of its grace. To this day, the impression remains

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that it was a slow, deliberate movement the ram, For

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it was that animal being upborne by some power other

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than its own impetus, and supported through the successive stages

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of its flight with infinite tenderness and care. My eyes

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followed its progress through the air with unspeakable pleasure, all

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the greater by contrast with my former terror of its approach.

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By land. Onward and upward, the noble animal sailed, its

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head bent down almost between its knees, its fore feet

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thrown back, its hinder legs trailing to rear like the

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legs of a soaring heron, at a height of forty

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or fifty feet. As fond recollection presents it to view.

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It attained its zenith and appeared to remain an instant stationary,

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then tilting suddenly forward without altering the relative position of

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its parts. It shot downward on a steeper and steeper

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course with augmenting velocity, passed immediately above me with a

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noise like the rush of a cannon shot, and struck

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my poor uncle almost squarely on the top of the head.

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So frightful was the impact that not only the man's

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neck was broken, but the rope too, and the body

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of the deceased, forced against the earth, was crushed to

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pulp beneath the awful front of that meteoric sheep. The

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concussion stopped all the clocks between lone hand and Dutch dans,

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and Professor Davidson, a distinguished authority in matters seismic, who

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happened to be in the vicinity, promptly explained that the

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vibrations were from north to southwest altogether. I cannot help

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thinking that in point of artistic atrocity, my murder of

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Uncle William has seldom been excelled, and of my favorite

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murder by Ambrose Bierce