WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:07.160 Hello, I'm welcome to cheating all the time. Glad you 2 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:11.400 are here. Let's get into this next crazy sheet. Everything 3 00:00:11.480 --> 00:00:13.199 changed to night. I saw that little red heart on 4 00:00:13.240 --> 00:00:16.120 Alex's phone. It was a Tuesday, one of those dark, 5 00:00:16.280 --> 00:00:18.280 quiet evenings that seemed to fold the two of us together. 6 00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:21.079 We were culled up on the gray couch, half watching 7 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:23.640 a cooking competition on TV, the kind of show where 8 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:25.719 we pretended to bid on Hu'd get shop first, even 9 00:00:25.719 --> 00:00:27.120 though neither of us could make us a fly to 10 00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:29.679 save our lives. The lamp next to me threw a 11 00:00:29.679 --> 00:00:32.200 warm circle across at Alex's profile, the sharp line of 12 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:34.000 his jaw on the way his lips pulled upward when 13 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:37.000 something on the screen made him laugh. His phone baused 14 00:00:37.679 --> 00:00:39.840 not the standard three short beats of a work email, 15 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:41.840 but the lawn chair patrolled that meant a message, one 16 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:44.920 he hadn't the signed to me. Instinctively, I glanced over, 17 00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:46.960 catching a blur of movement as he snatched up his 18 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:48.880 phone with the negst likeness had never seen in his 19 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:51.960 hands before. He held it just below the cushion, turning 20 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.119 ever so slightly away from me. I spotted the flash 21 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:56.719 of a lock screen notification floating above the background portrait 22 00:00:56.759 --> 00:00:58.960 of us from last summer and under the sendo's name 23 00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:02.039 A red heart mode. I pretended to watch the TV 24 00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:04.280 as his thumb down SA flick a tapped the string 25 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:06.560 of digital bubbles that meant someone couldn't wait for his reply. 26 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:09.719 Alex stucked his head and mumbled something a left over 27 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:11.680 chuckle trailing from a joke that was mine to hear. 28 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:14.280 His lips copped into a grin so soft amid the 29 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.680 hair on my arms prickle? Was I invisible? Was I 30 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:21.640 being childish? Curiosity was a thin thread winding tighter around 31 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:26.120 my chest. Before I could speak, he glanced over, quick calculating, Then, 32 00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:28.560 in one fluid motion, like he'd done as a hundred times, 33 00:01:28.599 --> 00:01:30.799 he dropped the phone on to the coffee table, face down, 34 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:33.840 and dripped his arm around my shoulders. I gathered myself, 35 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:36.760 kept my voice light. Who's got you laughing? Over there? 36 00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:40.120 He shrugged. I saw the mass drop over his face, 37 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:42.439 the same blank, steady calm he used at work when 38 00:01:42.439 --> 00:01:45.280 people asked if he'd finished to presentation. He'd barely started. 39 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.120 Just work stuff, babe. He knew how stressed the team 40 00:01:48.200 --> 00:01:50.760 is these days, he said, flicking his eyes back to 41 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:53.640 the TV, as if the question didn't matter. Someone's in 42 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:55.959 a good mood. I pressed just a little more insistent 43 00:01:56.799 --> 00:01:59.840 late email from Jeff. The beginnings of a frown ghosted 44 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:02.040 are his mouth, but it vanished before I could pin 45 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:05.319 it down. Honestly, it's nothing boring stuff. You want pop 46 00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:08.479 corn or something. He kissed my cheek a practiced gesture, 47 00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:13.560 and changed the subject. I tried to follow. I really did. Later, 48 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:15.719 I lay awake while Alex lay beside me, bathed in 49 00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:18.360 that blue glow of his phone. He thought I was asleep. 50 00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:21.039 I heard the faint tap, tap tap as he typed. 51 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:24.240 His shoulders were hunched green, hidden beneath the covers, the 52 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:26.639 brightest turn so low it was almost invisible to any 53 00:02:26.639 --> 00:02:30.000 one not searching for secret. A delicate Lafissande used to 54 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:32.240 think belonged only to me escaped him, and he paused, 55 00:02:32.319 --> 00:02:35.120 no doubt, making sure I hadn't stirred That night. I 56 00:02:35.159 --> 00:02:38.639 started counting the number on the clock, the length of 57 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:42.680 the messages, the heart beat in my throat. Something had shifted. 58 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:45.120 I used to joke that Alex was the person who 59 00:02:45.159 --> 00:02:48.199 always left his phone, wallet unkey scattered across the apartment 60 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:51.680 in accidental open book. The irony tasted sire in my mouth, 61 00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:54.199 lying there, listening to him giggle at words that won't mine. 62 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:57.120 But before suspicion had its claws in me, before rules 63 00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.680 and pattens and coat words, we were just Alex and Emily. 64 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:02.199 Four years is a long time to cozy up to 65 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:05.120 another person. The day we met was a colchet crowded 66 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:08.479 birthday party in a friend's postage stamp apartment. I noticed 67 00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:10.879 a smile before I even learned his name. It took 68 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:13.400 three months of clumsy flirting and coffee dates before we 69 00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:16.039 were official cheering Now first, I love you, OVERTAKEO sushi, 70 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:18.520 because neither of us could cook a decent meal. After 71 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:21.159 two years, we signed our names on a shared lease, 72 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:24.280 a loading boxes into sunlit apartment with squeaky floorboards and 73 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:26.840 a view of the coffee shop where we'd first held hands. 74 00:03:27.479 --> 00:03:29.800 We spent weekends at their shop, reading the paper and 75 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.759 sipping lattes, making grand plans for far off trips to Italy, 76 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:36.280 even naming the imaginary dog we'd someday. Rescue. Dinners were 77 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:38.400 a ritual, not a chore. He chopped onions while I 78 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:41.360 stirred sauce, laughing when he tossed soggy noodles at the ceiling. 79 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:44.800 We invented our own language of inside jokes and soft insults, 80 00:03:44.919 --> 00:03:47.159 competing over who could binge the most episodes of some 81 00:03:47.240 --> 00:03:50.199 ridiculous show before passing out at a heap. His laugh 82 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.439 was the soundtrack to my favorite memories. Truss wasn't even 83 00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:55.759 a question. There was a time when our phones were 84 00:03:55.800 --> 00:03:58.599 open on the counter propside recipe apps or shopping lists. 85 00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:01.360 When a message pays, it was normal to hand mine 86 00:04:01.360 --> 00:04:03.319 over can you text my mom back that I'll call later. 87 00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:06.240 He knew my childed secret, the nightmarees I got after 88 00:04:06.280 --> 00:04:09.439 seeing scary movie, the passwords to my streaming and social accounts. 89 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:11.919 He worked late sometimes, but not in a way that 90 00:04:11.960 --> 00:04:14.719 ever worried me. If a last minute deadline kept him 91 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:16.680 at the office, I'd get a snapshot of his desk 92 00:04:16.759 --> 00:04:18.680 or a quick phone call from the block It let lobby, 93 00:04:19.240 --> 00:04:22.439 don't wait up, babe, He'd say, I'll grab you a sandwich. 94 00:04:23.079 --> 00:04:26.279 There were flowers on anniversaries, game nights with friends, first 95 00:04:26.319 --> 00:04:28.600 holiday dinners with both our families squeezed into a two 96 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:31.519 small dining room. I remembered the warmth when Alex would 97 00:04:31.519 --> 00:04:34.079 toss his phone carelessly on to the table, no pass code, 98 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.920 no hesitation, a small implicit assurance that there was nothing 99 00:04:36.920 --> 00:04:39.879 in needed to hie. He told stupid jokes to my dad, 100 00:04:40.120 --> 00:04:42.360 braided my hair one drunken night, and held my hand 101 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:44.920 in his sleep. If you'd ask me three months ago, 102 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:47.959 betrayal wouldn't have entered my mind. But love stores are 103 00:04:47.959 --> 00:04:50.000 built to be blind, at least until the scenes start 104 00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:53.680 to frey. It began as a slow trickle. Alex's phone 105 00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:55.279 became glued to him in a way it never had 106 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:58.120 been before. At first, I brushed it office dress. He 107 00:04:58.279 --> 00:05:00.519 just started working with a new team, a big project 108 00:05:00.519 --> 00:05:02.879 with tight deadlines, a handful of late nights and cancel 109 00:05:02.920 --> 00:05:06.079 plans that he always apologized for. Just a rough patch 110 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:08.560 at the office, he promised, brushing hair from my eyes 111 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:11.800 with a tire gentleness. Things will settle after the launch. 112 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:15.279 But the calls started happening out of earshot. He'd offer 113 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:17.120 a strained smile as his ring to and plate, then 114 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:19.519 slip away into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. 115 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:21.800 On his way to the balcony o the stairwell, he 116 00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:25.360 talked quietly, his words indistinct laughter, muffled behind a palm. 117 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:27.639 One evening, I reached for his phone to look up 118 00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:31.240 a garlic bread recipe. The device slipped almost imperceptibly from 119 00:05:31.240 --> 00:05:33.759 my fingers as he intercepted me, a flash of urgency 120 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:36.839 crossing his face. Let me get it for you, he said, 121 00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:40.079 that's split second too quick. Battery is about to die. 122 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:43.079 Here you see yours? O K, I said, too slow, 123 00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:46.560 reading the tension in his jaw. Something in his eyes flickered. 124 00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:49.000 He smiled, as if to say I was being silly. 125 00:05:49.560 --> 00:05:52.720 The little habits became patterns. Late at night, I'd wake 126 00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:54.839 and see the canopy of bush light under the covers. 127 00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:57.199 His fingers curved around his phone, his lips tilted in 128 00:05:57.240 --> 00:05:59.920 a private smile. If I shifted or rolled over, the 129 00:06:00.040 --> 00:06:02.319 clow would vanish in silence, would fill the room, as 130 00:06:02.360 --> 00:06:06.040 if nothing had happened. Our conversations about work grew vague. 131 00:06:06.680 --> 00:06:09.199 How is your day, I'd ask, and I'd get a 132 00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:11.720 distracted shrug. I was fixed on his green of the window. 133 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.639 Ay Eno, boring, lots of meetings, nothing new, he'd say. 134 00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:18.639 The store is about his coworkers, though strange, intricate off 135 00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:21.600 his politics stopped coming home with him, he started deleting 136 00:06:21.639 --> 00:06:24.639 notifications before I saw them. Once, as I crossed the 137 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:26.959 living room, he bolted upright in the arm chair, fun 138 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.319 pressed tight to his chest. Hey, don't sneak upon me, 139 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:32.759 he joked, but the nerves in his voice son did new. 140 00:06:33.480 --> 00:06:36.319 Another night, after a particularly restless sleep, I glimpsed him 141 00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:38.959 scowling at a line of texts thum hovering over the screen. 142 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:41.879 When Es stretching pretended not to notice. He smiled into 143 00:06:41.959 --> 00:06:44.079 his phone and slipped it beneath his pillow, before shutting 144 00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:46.959 his eyes a moment later. Then there were the expenses. 145 00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:49.600 An odd charge popped up on our joint credit card, 146 00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:51.800 the name of a fancy restaurant downtown Alex and I 147 00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:54.959 had talked about but never visited. I started the details, 148 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.720 found a dinner for two with his card used. When 149 00:06:57.720 --> 00:07:00.279 I asked about it, Alex waved his hand and said, oh, 150 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:02.720 that was with the guise from work after the deadline. 151 00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:06.240 But the story sounded like an afterthought. I remembered how 152 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:08.439 carefully he'd counted every penny for my birthday dinner a 153 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:11.079 month ago. And there was one night a Friday when 154 00:07:11.079 --> 00:07:13.439 he'd rushed to meet to the team for drinks. I 155 00:07:13.480 --> 00:07:15.279 caught the faintest whiff of a new clone I hadn't 156 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:18.240 given him when he slipped out. He checked his reflection 157 00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:20.199 twice in the Howay mirror and snuck a comb through 158 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.439 his hair before shutting the door. I wanted to shape myself. 159 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:27.879 Maybe I was paranoid. Maybe I was seeing ghosts. But 160 00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:30.360 ghosts don't change your passwords and closed doors that once 161 00:07:30.360 --> 00:07:34.399 stood open. I started keeping track. It's strange how suspicion 162 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:36.160 grows a slow moss on the stone of your heart. 163 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:39.639 At first I tried to dismiss it. Maybe Alex was 164 00:07:39.720 --> 00:07:42.360 just tired, overworked, caught in the fog of office politics 165 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:46.680 and endless late nights. Except the contradictions multiplied. The first 166 00:07:46.680 --> 00:07:49.399 time was a Thursday, two weeks after the restaurant charge. 167 00:07:49.879 --> 00:07:52.240 Alex came home late, waving off my questions with a 168 00:07:52.319 --> 00:07:54.600 distracted We were behind in the Becker report, so I 169 00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:57.120 stayed to help Jenny run numbers. He kicked off his 170 00:07:57.160 --> 00:07:59.560 shoes and collapse on the couch, barely looking at me. 171 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:02.680 He didn't eat without me, did you? The next day 172 00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:05.360 I found his workbag dumped on the kitchen table, a 173 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:07.160 stop of a bus ticket peeped out of a pocket 174 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:08.920 tin stamp for an hour or before. He said he 175 00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:11.759 left the office last night. I checked our wall clock, 176 00:08:11.959 --> 00:08:14.720 running the numbers. He told me he came home straight 177 00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.839 from work, but he'd been elsewhere for at least an hour. 178 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:21.040 Was it innocent? Had he stopped by friends? The only 179 00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:23.079 answer was in the slight tremor I heard in his 180 00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:25.959 voice when I asked how the Becker report went. Oh, 181 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:29.480 it was fine, he said, too quickly, just paperwork. Jenny's 182 00:08:29.480 --> 00:08:32.399 a machine. Later I called his office just to ask 183 00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:35.840 for a document Alex had mentioned leaving behind. The receptionist 184 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:38.919 Carrie answered in her sunny way and said, oh, Alex, 185 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:41.039 he left early to day, had a headache, I think, 186 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:43.360 want me to get a message to him tomorrow. She 187 00:08:43.399 --> 00:08:45.360 had no way of knowing I'd expected him home late. 188 00:08:45.960 --> 00:08:47.720 I mumble to thank you in hum n up Pond's 189 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:50.360 wet mind spinning through possibilities I didn't want to name. 190 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:53.720 I replayed our old Ritchel's searching for cracks. I'd messed 191 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:56.080 Alex had soart it to pull away from me with 192 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:59.159 the slow subtlety of shifting seasons. I'd lean him for 193 00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:01.559 a kiss, and his lept would catch against my cheek, 194 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:05.519 not quite lingering, not quite absent, but distracted. At bedtime, 195 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:07.440 he sat on the edge of the mattress, waiting until 196 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:10.279 I'd rolled over before joining me. On the anniversary of 197 00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:12.480 our first date, he forgot to text, forgot to bring 198 00:09:12.519 --> 00:09:15.039 home the sun followers I loved. When I asked if 199 00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:17.000 we could go out for dinner, he muttered something about 200 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:19.799 Warp being crazy and spent the night scrolling through his phone. 201 00:09:20.279 --> 00:09:24.000 Our laughter faded to polite exchanges. His hand, once always 202 00:09:24.039 --> 00:09:26.320 ready to squeeze mine, were treated to pocket o lap 203 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:28.879 or phone. When I reached for his arm in public, 204 00:09:28.960 --> 00:09:31.639 he reclaimed it seconds later, adjusting his watch or folding 205 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:34.360 it across his chest as though holding himself together. The 206 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:38.440 devices became fortresses. One afternoon, I watch Alex hunched over 207 00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:41.440 his phone, tapping furiously. As I slipped into the room, 208 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:43.519 he swiped up and the screen went dark, his face 209 00:09:43.559 --> 00:09:46.480 closing in tandem. I noticed now for the first time, 210 00:09:46.519 --> 00:09:49.200 that message previews were gone. Where once the glass lit 211 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:51.679 up with ourcheve plans and family group tex, now there 212 00:09:51.759 --> 00:09:54.480 was only a bland wall of notification bubbles with no content. 213 00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:57.600 He set a new pascord without warning. One I couldn't guess, 214 00:09:57.840 --> 00:10:01.519 digits I didn't recognize. Was once communal was now private. 215 00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:04.320 When I asked why he changed his coat, he shrugged 216 00:10:04.360 --> 00:10:08.039 and mumbled something about having work stuff on there, company policy, 217 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:11.279 he said, his eyes darting somewhere past my shoulder. The 218 00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:14.480 air between us felt sunly colder. One night, I walked 219 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:16.279 in to find him bent over his laptop. I was 220 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:19.039 darting across the screen. As soon as he saw me, 221 00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:21.519 he slammed it shut too hard, as if surprised by 222 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:24.559 his own instinct. He didn't mean to startle you, I said, 223 00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:27.320 my voice light. He just rubbed his forehead and said 224 00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:30.720 he was working nothing more. My stomach burned with questions. 225 00:10:31.399 --> 00:10:34.000 I started searching for answers and corners where none should 226 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:37.559 have lurked. One afternoon, an unfamiliar name caught my attention. 227 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:40.799 Sophia liked your photo. My phone pinged, and I found 228 00:10:40.799 --> 00:10:42.879 the post Alex's we can hike up state. When I 229 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:45.639 bailed on for a work shift, Sophie had left a 230 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:48.000 string of emoji's hearts and winks beneath the shot of 231 00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:51.639 Alex on a trail. Who Sophie, I asked that night, 232 00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:56.759 feigning nonchalance, he flinched, Seriously, are you stalking my socials now? 233 00:10:57.240 --> 00:10:58.919 He tossed his phone on the bed with a huff, 234 00:10:58.919 --> 00:11:02.120 folding his arms. She's a friend from work. She likes 235 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:06.000 everybody's stuff. Why are you acting weird? His accusation knocked 236 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:09.480 the wind out of me. I'm just asking. She seems invested. 237 00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:13.440 Alex scowled, this is crazy, em. I can't even have 238 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:16.679 colleagues without you grilling me. You're getting paranoid, And just 239 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:19.720 like that, the conversation shriveled. The more I pressed, the 240 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:23.240 sharper his defenses. He parried everygreshion with just enough irritation 241 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:25.039 to make me wonder if it really was all in 242 00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:28.320 my head. But the evidence kept stacking up. I didn't 243 00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:30.440 want to become a detective in my own relationship, but 244 00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:32.120 I felt like I was losing the plot every one 245 00:11:32.159 --> 00:11:35.679 else could see. One late Friday afternoon, I finished work, ellied, 246 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:38.720 and swum by Alex's office, thinking i'd surprise him with coffee. 247 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:40.919 As I rounded the block, I saw him on the 248 00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:43.559 sidewalk with a woman, tall, dark hair, laughing, her hand 249 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:47.240 brushing his sleeve. They stood inches apart, head bent close. 250 00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:49.799 He smiled in a way I recognized the kind of 251 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:52.320 smile he deduced on me when we started dating. He 252 00:11:52.440 --> 00:11:54.759 prickled in my cheeks as I ducked behind a lamp post, 253 00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:58.200 suddenly hating myself for sneaking. When Alex got home, he 254 00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:00.240 was full of stores about a traffic jam and how 255 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:03.039 exhausted he was by the guy's banter. He avoided my 256 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:04.919 eyes when I asked if he'd seen any of his 257 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:08.480 team outside each champ. Not. Everyone was wiped, he said, 258 00:12:08.600 --> 00:12:11.720 changing the subject to our grocery list. It was subtle, 259 00:12:11.799 --> 00:12:14.600 but the lie was visible. I told myself I was 260 00:12:14.639 --> 00:12:17.320 imagining it. But then another thing, a box on our 261 00:12:17.360 --> 00:12:19.679 kitchen counter, sealed with a pretty blue ribbon and a 262 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:22.960 note attached for all our late nightses. Inside was a 263 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:26.080 bottle of wine, expensive and unfamiliar. I turned the note 264 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:28.840 over in my hand, hophounding. The S was looped in 265 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:31.679 a careful script I had never seen before. Who's s? 266 00:12:32.440 --> 00:12:36.639 I asked? Alex barely glanced up from the fridge. Though 267 00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:39.000 that's from Sophie. She was thanking the whole team. We 268 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:40.960 did a bunch of late meetings. I think she gave 269 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:44.240 everyone a bottle. He said, too fast, Let's save it 270 00:12:44.279 --> 00:12:46.799 for your birthday. I held a bottle, turning it over 271 00:12:46.840 --> 00:12:48.679 as if a cochared light on the growing darkness in 272 00:12:48.679 --> 00:12:51.240 our home. One Sunday, when Alex was at the store, 273 00:12:51.279 --> 00:12:54.639 at my curiosity and dread went out. I opened his laptop, 274 00:12:54.679 --> 00:12:58.440 searching for the folder where we kept joined files and photos. Instead, 275 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:00.600 at the bottom of the desktop, tucked away beneath tax 276 00:13:00.679 --> 00:13:03.240 documents was a folder labeled personal, the name so Bland 277 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.600 that drew my eye instantly. My hands shook as I 278 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.600 clicked it open. Dozens of photos, all neatly sorted. Some 279 00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:12.519 were ordinary receipts, screenshots of means, but a handful stopped 280 00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:15.200 my breath. A selfie of Alex a dimly lit bar, 281 00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:17.840 grinning glass rays, dress shirt and buttoned to a degree. 282 00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:20.639 He never showed me. The metadata was recent dated the 283 00:13:20.759 --> 00:13:23.519 night he'd worn heapen. Stuck at work helping Jenny, I 284 00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:26.559 scold further, much chest tightening. A screen shot of a 285 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:29.159 Newbertrip receipt. My stomach flipped as I've read the pick 286 00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:32.039 up at our apartment address frought Palford and familiar brants. 287 00:13:32.039 --> 00:13:34.559 Soon half way across the city, that ride had been 288 00:13:34.600 --> 00:13:37.399 on another guy's night, one Alex claimed ended early due 289 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:40.159 to rain. Unable to stop, I copied the dress into 290 00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:43.559 social media and began searching tags. After a few minutes, 291 00:13:43.600 --> 00:13:46.720 I found a public instagram posed Alex, unmistakable in his 292 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:49.440 check shirt, armed thrown casually but intimately around a woman 293 00:13:49.480 --> 00:13:53.000 I didn't recognize. Her hair tumbled across her face, and 294 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:54.879 she was caught mid laugh as she leaned into him. 295 00:13:55.399 --> 00:13:59.000 The caption Rey best roofed up knight. Ever, my vision narrowed. 296 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:02.039 I felt like I was watching a stranger for a spyglass. 297 00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:05.159 That night, I waited for him to come home. He 298 00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:07.559 was sixty minutes late, wreaking his stores about wrapping up 299 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:10.559 early because the gas flaked. I waited for the right moment, 300 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:13.480 for a chance to confirm what I began to fear. Later, 301 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:15.320 lying in bed, I heard Alex pad out on to 302 00:14:15.399 --> 00:14:18.200 the balcony, phone in hand. I crept to the partially 303 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:21.360 opened door, holding my breath. His voice was low, soft 304 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:23.399 to register i'd only ever heard when he whispered good 305 00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:26.200 night to me. I miss you too, he murmured words 306 00:14:26.200 --> 00:14:30.080 slicing through me. He laughed quietly, Yeah, I can't wait 307 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:33.039 to see you again. Honestly. Soon there was a pause 308 00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:36.360 so full of sweetness and longing it made my heart ache. Yeah, 309 00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:39.519 good night, it's soft. I staggered back to bed, hands 310 00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:43.240 clenched into fists. When Alex returned, he was humming tunelessly 311 00:14:43.320 --> 00:14:46.600 under his breath. The next morning, while folding laundry, I 312 00:14:46.679 --> 00:14:48.759 checked the pockets of his jacket and found a smolest 313 00:14:48.799 --> 00:14:52.000 note written in eat script. Yesterday was perfect. Can't believe 314 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.559 how lucky I am s My face flamed as I 315 00:14:54.600 --> 00:14:57.840 read it, Fingers numb, my world wobbled on its axis. 316 00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:01.120 The certainty of routine, the safety of alive together crumbled. 317 00:15:01.720 --> 00:15:03.480 But as much as I felt the ground drop away, 318 00:15:03.639 --> 00:15:06.879 I knew I needed more than suspicion. I needed the 319 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:09.679 kind of truth he can't argue against. At work the 320 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:12.759 next day, I couldn't focus. I replayed everything, the late 321 00:15:12.840 --> 00:15:15.360 night's secret smiles but away. Alex's ice darted away. When 322 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.399 I brought up Sophie, the carefully warded team gifts. My 323 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:20.120 hand shook as I clicked open a new inc of 324 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:23.000 Neito tab on my desktop. I made a fake profile, 325 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:25.799 a plausible woman, distant enough to avoid suspicion, but with 326 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:29.159 enough mutuals to make friendings Sophie easy. It was disturbingly 327 00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:32.240 simple to find her. Her page was colorful, bubbling with 328 00:15:32.240 --> 00:15:35.200 photos of happy hours and office rooft up parties. Tucked 329 00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:37.600 in among the post office group shots were candid images 330 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:41.679 Sophie with friends and unmistakably Alex, arm curled tightly around her. 331 00:15:42.279 --> 00:15:44.480 His face was turned toward her, a private glance that 332 00:15:44.559 --> 00:15:48.320 made my stomach twist. I sent the friend request within 333 00:15:48.360 --> 00:15:50.879 an eye or Sophie accepted, and her profile opened up. 334 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.679 I scrolled Their comments on each other's posts were playful 335 00:15:54.720 --> 00:15:58.039 and familiar, laced with emojis and private jokes late night 336 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:01.559 self is in side references as don't tell anyone about 337 00:16:01.559 --> 00:16:03.639 our researched sessions of the words wrapped around the snap 338 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:06.159 of Alex at a bar, dim lights flickering behind him 339 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:09.120 in the direct message section I forced myself to tap through. 340 00:16:09.639 --> 00:16:12.840 The thread between them was relentless, stretching Batman's flirtatious banter, 341 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:15.879 private jokes at explicit hints about secret meetings and how 342 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:18.679 she missed his face on weekends. Reading it felt like 343 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:22.399 tearing off his gab piece by piece. My certainty disintegrated, 344 00:16:23.080 --> 00:16:25.559 desperate for something undeniable, I decided to trap him in 345 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:29.039 a lie he couldn't entangle. That Friday, Alex announced he'd 346 00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:31.240 be out late to Guy's Night again, probably beers and 347 00:16:31.320 --> 00:16:35.000 Mario Kart. My heart pounded as I played alarm. I 348 00:16:35.080 --> 00:16:38.080 texted one of his friends, feel, ostensibly to remind Alex 349 00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:40.799 to bring home our crock pot. Phill's reply came slower 350 00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:44.080 than expected. Yeah, I think he's busy tonight. Have you 351 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:47.159 tried texting him? I press, isn't it Guy's night at 352 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:50.799 your place? Phil's response was a clipped nope, not to night. Sorry, 353 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:55.440 m shaking. I called Alex's other close friend, Carter. He stalled, 354 00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:59.000 his voice tense, not sure, EM. Maybe he's just running late. 355 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:02.840 I gotta go client, Sorry, Then he hung up. I 356 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:05.119 sat in the dark for IROs, the seconds ticking loudly 357 00:17:05.160 --> 00:17:08.240 in the silence. I texted Alex twice asking him to 358 00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:12.119 bring home milk. No reply. He finally came home me midnight, 359 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:14.640 smelling nothing like whisky or beer a late night takeout. 360 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:18.359 His hair was disheveled, shirt buttoned, unevenly, face flushed with 361 00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:21.400 something that wasn't the night air. He smiled crookedly, trying 362 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:25.240 to act casual. Hey, you're up late. I sat straighter, 363 00:17:25.400 --> 00:17:28.519 arms folded, voice carefully controlled. Did you have fun with 364 00:17:28.519 --> 00:17:32.759 the guys? He hesitated just for a heartbeat, then nodded quickly. YEA, 365 00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:36.720 you know, same old, same old. We ended early. I smiled, 366 00:17:36.839 --> 00:17:39.720 not trusting myself to speak. I waited up because I 367 00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:42.559 missed you. He slid past me, brushing a kiss to 368 00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:45.440 my hair, then disappeared into the shower. My breath came 369 00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:48.720 short and fast as the water ran. I crept into 370 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:50.799 the hallway and snatched up his phone from the night stand. 371 00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.960 My hand shook. I'd watched him enter the new coat 372 00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:56.559 only days before, burning the digits into my brain twelve 373 00:17:56.599 --> 00:17:59.519 o nine, his mother's birthday, not mine. I tapped through 374 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:03.000 hard pal un, scrolling quickly past the home screen. There 375 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:04.799 in the messaging app was a chap marked with a 376 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:08.000 red heart, miss you already next weekend that read the 377 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:10.920 words floating above a digital conversation so aching in its intimacy, 378 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:13.759 I felt physically ill. The thread above was a series 379 00:18:13.799 --> 00:18:17.119 of selfis, location pinson and familiar neighborhoods, sweet nothings and 380 00:18:17.119 --> 00:18:20.400 plans and loarning. I snapped photos of every screen, just 381 00:18:20.440 --> 00:18:23.079 in case my hands clammy and cold. I set the 382 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:25.000 phone back in its place, just as Alex cut the 383 00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:28.079 water and I scrambled beneath the covers, pretending to sleep. 384 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:30.400 My heart beat against the mattress with a force I 385 00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:34.039 couldn't contain. I had what I needed, but now holding 386 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:36.160 the proof, I didn't know if I even wanted the truth. 387 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:39.200 That night, as Alex slid into bed beside me, he 388 00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:42.000 said nothing, just exhaled a single, tired sigh and rolled 389 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.680 to face the wall. I lay rigid and straight, unable 390 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:46.640 to soften my limbs, even as I heard his breath 391 00:18:46.640 --> 00:18:49.559 fall into the rhythm of feign sleep. My mind rattled 392 00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:51.480 for every moment, like a tape that couldn't be around, 393 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:53.559 each frame, a pixel sharpening into a picture I could 394 00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:57.160 no longer blare. The next morning, sunlight streamed across the floor, 395 00:18:57.160 --> 00:18:59.400 and everything looked so ordinary that I almost fold myself 396 00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.160 into believing I had imagined it. The sounds of his 397 00:19:02.200 --> 00:19:05.319 mourning routine, shoved running footsteps and the tile amuck clinking 398 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:07.799 in the kitchen were all familiar, but now they grated. 399 00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:10.359 I stared at the ceiling, avoiding the urge to leap 400 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:12.039 out of bed and shake hansers out of him on 401 00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:15.720