WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.280 I'm rinsing a row of stemless sung glasses in the kitchen, 2 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:08.320 the clatter dulled by the music pulsing into the condo 3 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:11.160 from the living room. Most of Mark's new team is here, 4 00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:13.880 half of them just faces to me, all of them younger, urban, 5 00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:16.160 and impossibly at ease in this doubled high glass and 6 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:18.800 steel space we now call home. I see my own 7 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:20.760 image refracted in the window as I dry the room 8 00:00:20.760 --> 00:00:23.519 of a glass jaw, A little tight hail, little two styled. 9 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:26.480 My reflection carries a smile, but not the jury. Bubbling 10 00:00:26.519 --> 00:00:28.800 outward from the rest of the room. The clock up 11 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.760 of the microwave says it's near midnight. Laughter spikes from 12 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:33.759 behind me, a burst of sound around the story. I 13 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:36.159 can only half hear something about the lead design out 14 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.960 at Mark's job. I want to step back into the party, 15 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:41.280 to join, to belong, but I pause before I commit, 16 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:44.280 wanting to see Mark in his new habitat over the bar. 17 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:46.880 I catch him, glass in hand, easy with a little 18 00:00:46.880 --> 00:00:50.000 group of his oddly friends. Already he last a woman's joke, 19 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:52.399 leans in for a reply, then glances at his phone, 20 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:54.960 thumb ready at the edge of his pocket. He slips 21 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:57.520 out of the circle with practice smoothness, and almost no 22 00:00:57.560 --> 00:01:01.119 one notices except for me, because I'm always watching him reflectively. 23 00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:04.640 Even now, I see his lifted hand as he excuses himself, 24 00:01:04.719 --> 00:01:08.719 mouth turning, apologetic. Just a work thing, one sack, sorry, 25 00:01:08.840 --> 00:01:12.719 he says, squeezing past chairs. No one protests, but one 26 00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:14.879 guy will, I think, the guy who likes vintage T 27 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:16.640 shirts and has a laugh that cuts through, and he 28 00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:19.599 buzz catches my gaze. That's mark for you. Hard to 29 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:22.359 pry him away from certain people. The way he drugs 30 00:01:22.359 --> 00:01:25.400 out certain is almost theatrical, but he grins at me, disarming, 31 00:01:25.480 --> 00:01:28.040 holding out the bottle of dessert wine. Can I pour 32 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:31.040 you another? Julia? I take the glass. Laughter on not 33 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.879 a pilot, but I am replaying the moment. Did he 34 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:36.719 mean Natalie, the woman in black who just arrived from Montreal? 35 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:39.040 Or was it someone in the office chat Thread's marks 36 00:01:39.079 --> 00:01:42.079 sometimes let me glimpse. Or did I just imagine the 37 00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:45.319 inflection hearing a private joke. Quitter is none. I try 38 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:47.920 to believe it's my own social fatigue, my introverts sighed, 39 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:50.879 reading into things as usual. My eyes flick to the 40 00:01:50.920 --> 00:01:52.560 window as I make a pass with the dish towel 41 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:55.239 in the glass. I see Mark again, though now only 42 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:57.280 his back in the golden square of his phone, thumb 43 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.200 moving rapidly. His head is bowed, but he smiling his 44 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:02.359 real smile, the one that rounds his cheeks, the one 45 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:04.280 that makes his nose wrinkle, like when he read me 46 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:07.680 lines from his old potry notebooks in grad school. It's 47 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:09.879 a smile I've rarely seen in the past months, not 48 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.759 from me. I watch, rooted long enough to feel a 49 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:15.400 twunge of guilt before someone calls from ways, lurching back 50 00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:17.319 into the kitchen and pulling me out of my thoughts. 51 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:20.000 When the guests finally spelled down the elevator in a 52 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:22.120 tide of jackets and good byes, and left with the 53 00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:24.280 thrum of left of a music echoing against our condor's 54 00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:27.599 new walls, Mark is in the kaking lunch downstairs, answering 55 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:29.960 an urgent thing for Monday on his laptop. Gone before 56 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:33.280 I start gathering the wineglasses and wiping the quartz. Eight 57 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:35.439 years the length of a law degree in a doctorate 58 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:37.759 of the slow boiling of water for a hundred thousand 59 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.400 cups of tea. We met the second year of college. 60 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:42.560 He was all nerves and ambition, and I was still 61 00:02:42.599 --> 00:02:45.719 convinced I be a painter. Our favorite stories on first 62 00:02:45.800 --> 00:02:48.280 dates were about the things we loved. Coffee after midnight, 63 00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:50.800 tiny art cinemas with broken seats, running in the park 64 00:02:50.840 --> 00:02:53.560 on cold Sunday mornings. When we moved to the city 65 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:55.879 after his first job offer, we promised each other we'd 66 00:02:55.919 --> 00:02:58.159 keep our tiny rituals of the Thursday night curries, the 67 00:02:58.159 --> 00:03:01.000 Sunday rounds, the post movie debate by which actors would 68 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:03.719 have made a better couple. Money was always tight, my 69 00:03:03.800 --> 00:03:07.319 illustration gigs, unpredictable, Mark's paycheck's covering rent, but little more. 70 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:10.319 Yet We'd gotten use to our shoebook's rental, clickie MUCKs 71 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:12.879 over romin at the Battle Kitchen Island, finding creative ways 72 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:16.520 to splurge half priced tickets, thrifted furniture vacations to anywhere 73 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:19.439 we could reach by train. We shared a stubborn optimism, 74 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:21.680 kept private our doubts about kids or not, about whether 75 00:03:21.719 --> 00:03:23.759 we'd ever arrive in the way people did on Instagram. 76 00:03:24.199 --> 00:03:26.639 The move to this downtown condo, second bedroom floor to 77 00:03:26.680 --> 00:03:29.240 ceiling windows, a lobby with an actual concierge was the 78 00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:32.879 byproduct of Mark's promotion. Suddenly we could afford fresh flowers 79 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:35.080 each week, take out from places at rand, features in 80 00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:37.439 the city paper, art walks where I could sketch quietly 81 00:03:37.479 --> 00:03:40.759 and nobody squeeze, passed with the stroller. Mark's hour stretched 82 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.639 with the new job. I mostly worked from home, chasing 83 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:47.039 freelance contracts, answering emails and fuzzy socks, while he commuted 84 00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:49.520 and came home excited, armed with new stories about his 85 00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:52.840 team and office squabbles. It was nice, this phase. I 86 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:55.960 tell myself we'd earned it. Our friends, those we've kept in, 87 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.240 those we see mostly in dams, always say we're lucky 88 00:03:58.479 --> 00:04:02.000 relationship goals. They don't see the haunted spaces in our bedroom, 89 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:04.199 or the late night silences after cheap wine. The way 90 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:08.000 our conversations have grown tidbear, defaulting to lists, corocriies, deadlines, 91 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:11.080 vacation days accrude. Our sex life shrunk under the weight 92 00:04:11.080 --> 00:04:14.080 of tidness or schedules, sometimes blamed on me, sometimes not. 93 00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.399 I tell myself it's just new job, stress, that things 94 00:04:17.399 --> 00:04:19.959 will abound. That love is cyclic, not a single thread 95 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:22.839 cut by one sharp knife. It's the Friday night work 96 00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.879 gatherings that are the latest invention. They started with Mark's 97 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:28.720 new team. We want to host welcome everyone, he said, 98 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:32.000 buying's sake and fancy crackers at the market. The gatherings 99 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:36.079 grew larger, more frequent. I adapted the Zion graphic invitations 100 00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:39.040 on canvas, plants, net trays, and posted footos online with 101 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:41.759 captions about our great city life. While feeling oddly like 102 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:44.399 a guest myself, I can decide if the knowing chill 103 00:04:44.439 --> 00:04:46.480 at the base of my spiness homesickness for our old 104 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:50.160 life or something different. Saturday morning, Mark's rolls to a 105 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:52.920 playlist whiles grambling eggs indy bands I've never had before. 106 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:56.480 I grin at a lyric about electric friendships, raising an eyebrow. 107 00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.920 Who's this, I ask, trying to sound light, He slides 108 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.680 his phone toward me. He wouldn't know them. Natalie is 109 00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:06.319 obsessed with underground garage jewels. She send our group of 110 00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:09.560 billion links. His voice is casual, dismissive, but there's a 111 00:05:09.560 --> 00:05:11.399 warm note in his tone, as though he shares a 112 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:13.959 secret with this Natalie as much as with me. He's 113 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:17.639 restless lately, even when home, the phone vibrate against countertops, 114 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:20.120 his thumb flick in nerdifications away. If I glance over 115 00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:23.680 his playlists shift sudden new tastes in electronic and jazz, 116 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.560 replacing the Janley folk songs that were a running soundtrack. 117 00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:28.600 If I wake up in the middle of the night, 118 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:30.759 I find him lying awake, lit by blue phone light, 119 00:05:30.879 --> 00:05:35.720 sometimes typing, sometimes just staring another late email. I might ask, 120 00:05:35.879 --> 00:05:38.959 and he'll mumble something about catching uphoor Sydney times owns, 121 00:05:39.319 --> 00:05:42.120 never including me as he once did after one of 122 00:05:42.120 --> 00:05:44.879 our Friday gatherings. Mark doesn't come to bed until nearly 123 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:47.720 three a m. A cawarking lounge could actually hear myself think, 124 00:05:47.879 --> 00:05:50.079 he says the next morning, a sheepish grin so softening 125 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:52.600 his eyes. Didn't want to wike you. The place is 126 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:56.160 basically empty after midnight, so I jest worked. I used 127 00:05:56.199 --> 00:05:58.319 the lounge once during our move to print tact forms 128 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:00.800 and hated the echo. I want to ask who else 129 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:03.560 works at that hour, but I drop it at first. 130 00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:05.879 Ignore the way his body tenses when his phone chirps 131 00:06:05.959 --> 00:06:08.399 during dinner, or how he deliberately sets it face down 132 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:12.000 when he laughs spontaneously at messages. I ask what's funny, 133 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:14.720 and he shrugs. It just will being an idiot team 134 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.879 in jokes. I ask all my own social feeds see photos 135 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:21.000 of marked out enough to work drinks. Natalie posts a 136 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:23.079 story with the captain night ELL's and lotty art a 137 00:06:23.079 --> 00:06:25.480 blurry image of a hand holding two cups, Marks, brown 138 00:06:25.560 --> 00:06:28.279 leather watch band visible, but phase out a frame. I 139 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:30.920 replayed the image, seeking meaning where there is probably nan. 140 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:34.600 One afternoon, Mark comes home early, whistling to new music 141 00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:37.560 as he sheds his jacket. Listen to this, he says, 142 00:06:37.560 --> 00:06:41.079 plugging in a BLUEJD speaker. A slow, bashful smile spreads 143 00:06:41.079 --> 00:06:43.800 across his face during a breakdown in the track. That's 144 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.639 Natalie on back up vocals, he adds, catching my glance, 145 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:50.600 she's got all these weird talents. There's nothing wrong with 146 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:52.839 the statement, not really, but I note how carefully he 147 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.800 pronounces her name, like tasting something unfamiliar but pleasant. That night, 148 00:06:56.839 --> 00:06:59.199 as I brush my teeth, Mark's phone lights up from 149 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:01.759 where it sits across the bedroom on the dresser. It's 150 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:05.319 a notification phototh onnell, too small to make out the 151 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:07.519 contact name isn't one of the group chatter handles. I 152 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:09.920 know he's in the living room and I can hear 153 00:07:09.959 --> 00:07:12.680 the hiss of the soda stream. Curiosity nips at me 154 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:14.920 if I ignore it and go to bed, reminding myself 155 00:07:14.920 --> 00:07:18.000 that privacy is not suspicion. The next time our friends 156 00:07:18.040 --> 00:07:20.240 ask about condo life, I play up the art walks 157 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.800 in the city views, sharing a photoartic of Mark backlit 158 00:07:22.839 --> 00:07:25.560 in the kitchen. You two are thriving. My friend Chloe 159 00:07:25.560 --> 00:07:28.639 tect's a flurry of hard amoradies. I almost believe it 160 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:31.879 as I answer. After the next dinner, Mark's group leaves, 161 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:34.720 he stays behind to answer one last Slack message. I 162 00:07:34.759 --> 00:07:37.480 put on pajamas, trace the spine of his latest tech magazine, 163 00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:40.040 trying not to let my mind fill the silence. He 164 00:07:40.160 --> 00:07:44.519 joins me, finally, head buried in his phone, tired, I say, 165 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:48.160 just winding down, Sorry, babe. He puts the phone down, 166 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:50.800 screen facing the pillar. When I kiss his cheek, he 167 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:53.000 packs me back, absently, gaze already floating to the blue 168 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:56.639 notification pulse. I fall asleep, listening to the memory of traffic, 169 00:07:56.920 --> 00:07:59.480 wondering how many outer marriages produce this kind of drift. 170 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:02.360 Later that week, Mark tells me he's going to the 171 00:08:02.360 --> 00:08:05.279 coworking lounge for some quiet. I nod and settle into 172 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:07.279 sketching the guest room. I'm used to not hearing his 173 00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:10.360 faint scene through the walls. An hour later, I bring 174 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:12.959 him a spare charger and pause at the door. The 175 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:15.360 glass wall blocks mosund, but I can see him punched 176 00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:18.199 over his laptop, laughing at something on his phone. There's 177 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:21.120 a cup beside him, two straws, remnants of foam. Inside. 178 00:08:21.519 --> 00:08:24.160 The lounge is empty except for him. Some part of 179 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:26.480 me wants to join him, say I just want company, 180 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:28.560 but I feel like an intruder in his new routine, 181 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:32.039 so I leave him be. My restlessness grows, shadowing me 182 00:08:32.039 --> 00:08:35.679 through the next morning. When he comes back upstairs Enerjiffzzy 183 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:37.639 from late Espresso, I ask if the team chat is 184 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:41.360 still amusing at eleven p m. He shrugs, sliding into bed. 185 00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:43.960 We're prepping the group pitch for next week. Natalie keeps 186 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:47.039 it funny, like her energy. Honestly, he says it like 187 00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:50.240 a compliment, but it lands heavily in my chest. Friday 188 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:53.240 comes quickly. I put extra thought into my out, something 189 00:08:53.240 --> 00:08:55.799 effortless's chic, which never feels as natural on me as 190 00:08:55.799 --> 00:08:58.840 it seems to arm Marck's coworkers. Music fills the condo. 191 00:08:58.919 --> 00:09:01.480 The new playlist marquied up. I see him in the 192 00:09:01.480 --> 00:09:04.480 reflection of the kitchen window again, phone in hand, texting 193 00:09:04.519 --> 00:09:07.679 someone with that rough smile of his. Later, during gains 194 00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:10.320 at the table, well, maybe Tipsy teases Mark, don't be 195 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:13.639 late for your duet. Every one lasts, except for Natalie, 196 00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:15.759 who was across the room chatting with two other women. 197 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:19.559 Mark ducks his head, grinning, not meeting my eyes. After 198 00:09:19.600 --> 00:09:21.759 guest leave, I find a receipt in Mark's Jean's tossed 199 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:24.960 over the dining chair. The cafe logo isn't one we frequent, 200 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:27.720 but I remember a photo in Natali's instagram's story with 201 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:30.200 its knee on sign and wood paneling. There are two 202 00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:32.440 lottes in a blueberry pastry on the receipt time stamp 203 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:34.559 Tuesday morning, the day Mark said he worked through lunch 204 00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:36.720 at his office because the WiFi was out in the lounge. 205 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:39.600 The memory shoppens. I recall the day well, because our 206 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:41.840 internet was down and I'd asked him to hot spot me, 207 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:44.919 which he did from a different location. My mind races, 208 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:48.080 sifting for innocent explanations. Maybe he picked up breakfast for 209 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:50.600 a team meeting. Maybe the a duet was about group 210 00:09:50.679 --> 00:09:54.440 karaoke or some inside joke. Still, something in easy settles 211 00:09:54.440 --> 00:09:57.559 into my bones. Trying not to seem obsessed, I chat 212 00:09:57.600 --> 00:09:59.919 with a mutual friend Emily, under the guise of catch 213 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:03.000 up and asking about Mark's new job. She laughs about 214 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:05.519 all the office drama, but says Mark's cole. He's always 215 00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:07.960 off doing something, usually paired up with Natalie. They're like 216 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:10.960 a little dream team. There a name now tut patterns. 217 00:10:11.559 --> 00:10:14.000 I pieced together little clues though late night mixed playlist 218 00:10:14.039 --> 00:10:17.399 on Mark's public Spotify creditor to Mark and Natalie see 219 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:20.440 the same cafe appears in Natalie's weekly posts, always tagged 220 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:22.519 with just her name, But I see Mark's watch in 221 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:25.440 a telling reflection of a man's silhouette. I feel a 222 00:10:25.480 --> 00:10:28.120 spinning on ease, knowing that these are only fragments, Yet 223 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:31.279 every instinct prickles. The next time I prod Mark gently 224 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:34.039 about his cafe visits, he frowns them, besites a believable 225 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:37.320 enough narrative. Just grabbing coffee with the team, babe. I 226 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:39.360 didn't want to eat at my desk again. Natalie was 227 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:41.960 running late for a client coal, so we squeezed him breakfast. 228 00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:45.600 I press a little, but he bristles, why does it matter, 229 00:10:45.679 --> 00:10:49.600 It's just work at night. His phone is with him everywhere, kitchen, bathroom, 230 00:10:49.639 --> 00:10:52.360 even to brush his teeth. When he showers, it sits 231 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:55.600 face down atop the towel shelf. On Tuesday, it lights 232 00:10:55.679 --> 00:10:57.759 up on the counter as I claim mug's an unfamiliar 233 00:10:57.799 --> 00:11:01.360 profile photo, the notification vanishing too qu to read. I 234 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:04.679 crush the urge to snoop, but it flickers insistent. I 235 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:07.360 start to track Mark's evenings, not in a formal way, 236 00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:10.919 but noting times and returns. Sometimes he comes home late, 237 00:11:10.919 --> 00:11:13.080 apologizing for catch up dinners that could have been just 238 00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:15.799 a drink but turned into hours. Once, he says the 239 00:11:15.840 --> 00:11:18.240 team when Fortacco's, but Emily says she went home merrily, 240 00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:21.120 and nobody else puss anything about it. Takes a week 241 00:11:21.159 --> 00:11:23.639 before I notice Muk begins to use cash for certain things, 242 00:11:23.639 --> 00:11:26.120 small bills tucked in his wallet, eightm re seats from 243 00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:29.360 downtown instead of his usual branch. We rarely use cash, 244 00:11:29.399 --> 00:11:31.480 our lives as sink to apps, our budget, clear and 245 00:11:31.559 --> 00:11:35.120 joint accounts. When I ask why extra cash, he shrugs 246 00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:38.080 it off. Easier to split tabs some places around here, 247 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:41.759 hate cards. I hover an awkward limbo, wanting proof, yet 248 00:11:41.799 --> 00:11:44.799 fearing what proof might look like. I want to ask Mark. 249 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:47.200 I pried about Natalie, about whether he feels distant about 250 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:49.200 what's happening to us. But just as quickly I imagine 251 00:11:49.200 --> 00:11:52.320 being dismissed as jealous, sneedy. I tell myself not to 252 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:54.639 be the paranoid wife, to let him have his autonomy. 253 00:11:55.120 --> 00:11:57.720 I've always been proud that we've never micro manage each other. 254 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:00.799 The playlist grows longer, almost a hundred tracks, now a 255 00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:04.360 strange blend of moody synpop and French language indy. Mark 256 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:06.519 comes alone in the shower, jokes about lyrics with me, 257 00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:08.919 as if they werewing me to be included, as if 258 00:12:08.919 --> 00:12:11.120 the open sharing of the playlist covers up the private 259 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:14.399 exchanges that led to its curation. Three fridays later, Mark 260 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:17.480 leaves abruptly during the party, citing an emergency. Were called. 261 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:20.919 He slips out in a rush, restless. I let the 262 00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:23.039 dishes soak and dial his number, just wanting to say 263 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:26.000 good night, to hear his voice. The call slides straight 264 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:28.840 to voicemail. The hollow click and his record of greeting 265 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:32.679 sound odd out of place in the towers hush night anchorridors. Later, 266 00:12:32.840 --> 00:12:36.080 when Mark returns, he explains away the miscall though the 267 00:12:36.120 --> 00:12:38.200 phone must have died. There was some client issue. They 268 00:12:38.200 --> 00:12:40.600 wanted me on sight, but I just called him from downstairs. 269 00:12:41.159 --> 00:12:44.559 A fine web Applausible specifics courts his story. I nod, 270 00:12:44.639 --> 00:12:46.559 but I watch his eyes how he never quite looks 271 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:49.200 at me, as he adds, I'm sorry it took so long, Jewels. 272 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:51.759 I know I've been busy lately. I try to reach 273 00:12:51.799 --> 00:12:54.360 back toward us to bridge the distance. I plan a 274 00:12:54.399 --> 00:12:57.480 private dinner, three course favorite wine. Background music from our 275 00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:01.960 shade ears. Mark thanks me, says it looks amazing. He's attentive, 276 00:13:02.039 --> 00:13:05.320 tromm me even, but by the end he grows fidgety. Babe, 277 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:07.279 there's just one thing I need to wrap up before 278 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:10.480 I sleep. Just fifteen minutes, he disappears into the Krikin 279 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:13.360 Lounge with his laptop. By the time he returns, I'm 280 00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:16.120 in bed, book open, but I'm red. He moves quietly, 281 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:18.559 gentle as he slips under the comforter, but never offers 282 00:13:18.600 --> 00:13:21.799 an explanation for the time. Day's blend, always his schedule 283 00:13:21.799 --> 00:13:23.879 out of sink, always a flutter of notification on his 284 00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:27.120 side of the sofa. One afternoon, I find another cafe, 285 00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:30.080 Russie crumpled in his coat, who drinks the pastry. This 286 00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:33.200 time the logo match is Natalie's Sorry, posted four hours earlier. 287 00:13:33.240 --> 00:13:36.120 Capushino Art photographed the blue sleeve of Mark's jacket barely 288 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:38.480 hidden in the blurry. For him, it's not just the 289 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:42.759 oddings in sudda ways. Mark's home ritual shift our Saturday 290 00:13:42.840 --> 00:13:45.600 ron vanish our movie debates, replaced by Mark starting a 291 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:48.720 new film alone with headphones, claiming he just needs to decompress. 292 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:50.759 When I ask if he wants to join me at 293 00:13:50.759 --> 00:13:53.120 the weekend art festival, he's already made plans to meet 294 00:13:53.159 --> 00:13:55.639 some people from work, leaving me to wander on my own. 295 00:13:56.200 --> 00:13:59.000 It's not loneliness exactly, but a kind of fading prisons, 296 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:00.960 as if we're both goes, haunting the edges of a 297 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:04.279 home we build together. Late one evening, a friend checks in, 298 00:14:04.440 --> 00:14:07.080 asks if everything's all right. You seem a little down, 299 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:11.360 She texts, My thumb hovers before I reply, just tired, 300 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:14.519 working a lot. Things are good. The message is both 301 00:14:14.519 --> 00:14:16.320 a lie and a comfort, and it buys me just 302 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:19.720 enough space to breathe still, the feeling simmers beneath the 303 00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:21.919 urge to know, but also the desire for it all 304 00:14:21.960 --> 00:14:24.679 to be innocent. I watch Mark from the kitchen as 305 00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:27.759 he mixes a martini wrist, easy, smile, genuine when he 306 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:31.240 recounts a meme from the office. He's relaxed, more alive 307 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:32.879 than he has been with me in a long time, 308 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:35.240 and I can't help but wonder if the difference is Natalie, 309 00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:37.279 if I've become simply the woman in the photograph on 310 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.759 his desk, the one he left behind every morning. One Thursday, 311 00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:44.679 my anxiety bubbles over. I suggest we talk couch to couch, 312 00:14:44.919 --> 00:14:47.679 with the city lights humming behind us. I tell Mark 313 00:14:47.720 --> 00:14:50.200 I feel disconnected, that things feel different, that I worry 314 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:53.799 he's always somewhere else. He looks surprised, almost hurt, and 315 00:14:53.799 --> 00:14:56.759 shakes his head. I know I've been off jewels. This 316 00:14:56.919 --> 00:14:59.320 new job. Honestly, it's harder than I thought. Sometimes I 317 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:01.720 feel like a f I stay late because I'm terrified 318 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:03.519 of screwing up. It's easier to stay out of your 319 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.519 way than drag you through my anxiety. That's it. You're 320 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:07.480 not wrong to worry, but it's not what you think. 321 00:15:07.960 --> 00:15:10.840 He shows me his phone, work emails, group chats. The 322 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:14.480 messages are professional, sometimes infused with office sarcasm, even playful. 323 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:17.360 Natalie posts a me mock responds with a smile. Eate 324 00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:20.159 the joke about some choices for a pitch. It's almost 325 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:24.000 disappointingly ordinary, if a little chummy. I want to believe him. 326 00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:27.399 It's just work, I echo, watching his face, he holds 327 00:15:27.399 --> 00:15:30.360 my gaze. I promise. I want things to be okay 328 00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:32.840 with us for a few days. He makes enough to 329 00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:35.240 use his phone in the open, sit closer on the sofa. 330 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.320 The little gestures I misreturn. I breathe easier, thinking maybe 331 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:42.080 I invented it, all that months of solitude. What might trust? 332 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:44.759 Three nights later, on the hunt for an old charger, 333 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:47.080 I opened Mark's office drawer and find his older phone 334 00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:51.240 turned off but not wiped habit or carelessness. It's still 335 00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:54.600 logged into his work email. I scrawled back through its imberks, 336 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:57.600 a gnawing dread, giving my hands a tremor near the top. 337 00:15:57.639 --> 00:16:01.639 A mile weeks old now from natal time, stamped one 338 00:16:01.720 --> 00:16:05.519 thirteen eh E'm subject line plain body short. I can't 339 00:16:05.519 --> 00:16:08.480 stop thinking about last night. Let's talk soon. The room 340 00:16:08.519 --> 00:16:11.440 tilts his essenc to the chair. There are no attachments, 341 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:14.360 no details, just that phrase, a flat, innocent note unless 342 00:16:14.360 --> 00:16:16.840 you know to look for edges. I checked Mark's claim 343 00:16:16.840 --> 00:16:18.399 from that night. He'd said he pulled an all nighter 344 00:16:18.440 --> 00:16:22.200 downstairs prepping slides for Sidney, but totally alone, bored to death. 345 00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:26.279 The message says otherwise. Yet even now, the line between 346 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:30.080 paranoia and perception wobbles. Maybe it's a misreading, a joke, 347 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:34.440 some office coat. Maybe Natalie just needed feedback. The message 348 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:36.559 doesn't declare a love or describe a secret trass. It 349 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:39.759 could mean anything, but it could also mean everything. Later, 350 00:16:39.960 --> 00:16:42.320 Mark is chatty mentioning a new project. He is excited 351 00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:44.360 about tossing me his phone to show me a meme. 352 00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:46.679 It's as if nothing in the world could be wrong. 353 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:49.039 I want to ask him right then about the email, 354 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:51.159 to demand who he was really with, but fear makes 355 00:16:51.159 --> 00:16:55.120 me swallow the words. Instead. I dig further, quietly, methodically, 356 00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:58.440 a cross reference Mark's calendar, the email meeting invites, the 357 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:02.039 cafe receipts. I check his public playlists for new editions, 358 00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:05.400 scan Natalie's social feed for fragments of time places, anything 359 00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:08.960 that matches. More often than not, Marx claimed, whereabout strain 360 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:12.039 against the clock, He says, tea meeting while Nat lipos 361 00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:14.319 a selfie alone in our lobby, followed moments later by 362 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:17.519 a joke in Mark's group chat midnight brainstorm my favorite. 363 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:20.039 I message a former client who recently moved to the 364 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:22.960 office tower, asking and a prudence of curiosity if the 365 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:25.880 lounge is ever really anty late at night? Not lately, 366 00:17:25.920 --> 00:17:29.200 he says, there's always someone sketching a huddled in corners 367 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:31.920 after ours to your husband sometimes I think saw him 368 00:17:31.920 --> 00:17:34.240 with a woman A couple times they seemed deep in conversation, 369 00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:37.440 laughing about something. Now every texts in the night is 370 00:17:37.480 --> 00:17:41.119 electric unloaded. One Thursday, when Mark's phone vibrates with a 371 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:44.400 long incoming message, he glances at it, then at me work, 372 00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:46.240 he says, before I can ask, though his hand is 373 00:17:46.279 --> 00:17:48.799 tied on the phone. When I suggest we get pruned 374 00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:52.160 together Saturday, he grimaces. I promised Natalie i'd help with 375 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:54.200 her move. She just broke up with her boyfriend. It's 376 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:57.319 been rough. I murmur that I understand. Shoving down a 377 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:00.559 sharp ach. After he leaves, is go back through months 378 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:02.960 of our messages, wanting to spot a hinge a moment 379 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:05.000 where the tone changed, where he drifted from me and 380 00:18:05.039 --> 00:18:07.359 slipped into the orbit of some one new. But the 381 00:18:07.440 --> 00:18:10.920 change is nearly invisible, the small, ordinary erosion of closeness, 382 00:18:11.559 --> 00:18:15.279 not a sudden break, but a thousand tiny deviations. On Sunday, 383 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:17.680 a sunlight spills into the condo of my friend calls. 384 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:21.720 I try not to sound broken. Am I crazy? I 385 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:25.839 ask a voice, Then silence stretches. She answers softly, and 386 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:28.559 you're not crazy, Julia. Trust your gut. Don't let him 387 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:31.799 make you feel otherwise. I hang up, clinging to the words, 388 00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:34.880 but doubting myself. All the same. Mark's phone habit sharpen, 389 00:18:35.480 --> 00:18:38.640 he replies instantly to group chats, yet lets my text weight. 390 00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:41.319 He talks about off his family with a warmth I 391 00:18:41.319 --> 00:18:44.079 haven't heard in months. When he gets home late, he 392 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:46.880 tosses a pastry on the counter from the cafe. He 393 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:50.200 says absently. I study the label. It's Natalie's favorite, a 394 00:18:50.279 --> 00:18:52.519 detail I only know from her Instagram, which is now 395 00:18:52.559 --> 00:18:55.920 set to private. Profile photo changed one night, I can't 396 00:18:55.960 --> 00:18:58.559 take the not knowing. Mark texts that he's running out 397 00:18:58.599 --> 00:19:01.720 for coffee alone. Need to walk off some stress. Something 398 00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:03.759 breaks in me, I throw on a coat, wave and 399 00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:05.599 say I'll see him soon, then slip out after a 400 00:19:05.640 --> 00:19:08.640 few minutes, heart thumping. It's easy to follow him in 401 00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:11.559