WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.839 The running jacket was the first thing. I only found 2 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:09.039 it because the dryer was taking forever that night, and 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:10.720 I had gone back into the bedroom to fold a 4 00:00:10.759 --> 00:00:14.039 basket of towels. I like folding laundry. It sues me 5 00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:17.000 matching socks and lining up John's workout shirts by color, 6 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:19.359 pretending I have more control over our life than I 7 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:22.839 probably do. His jin bag was slarched against the closet wall, 8 00:00:22.879 --> 00:00:25.839 half sipped over, flowing with bold up shorts, approaching bar wrapper, 9 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:28.320 the usual chaos he liked to call his organized mess. 10 00:00:28.760 --> 00:00:30.320 I bent to grab it off the floor, and the 11 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:32.759 sleeve of a jacket slipt out, A weighty, expensive looking 12 00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:35.399 thing in crisp blue fabric, not the neon when brick 13 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:39.240 as John usually ran in, but luxury, subtle logo, buttery, smoothed, attached, 14 00:00:39.479 --> 00:00:42.240 technical but stylish. It was way too nice for his 15 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:46.119 usual gear. I paused, thumb grazing the shiny zipper. A 16 00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:48.759 faint said, clung to it clean, not sweat, but sweet, 17 00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:51.840 almost floral. John didn't work alone. I hited how it 18 00:00:51.880 --> 00:00:54.039 caught him my throat during workouts, so I couldn't place it. 19 00:00:54.600 --> 00:00:58.039 I displourged. He had a secret soft spot for upbraids, 20 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:00.799 sometimes putting off things like grocery for days to buy 21 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:03.479 the newest running gadget. But he would have told me 22 00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:07.040 we traded gear tips like currency. Just as I started 23 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:09.680 to check the inside tag, the bathroom door creaked open. 24 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:12.519 John stepped out in a towel, hair damp ear but 25 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:15.560 stangling from his neck. He saw me holding the jacket. 26 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:18.000 Froze for the briefest second, long enough for the tension 27 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.400 to vibrate in the room. I lifted the sleeve. This 28 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:24.680 is new, he blinked, then shrugged, an easy smell flickering 29 00:01:24.680 --> 00:01:27.599 on though that. Yeah, Brian from the club let me 30 00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:29.239 burrow it. I guess it's some high end thing he 31 00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:31.280 won at a marathon raffle. He wanted me to try 32 00:01:31.239 --> 00:01:33.959 it before I thought about buying. He had an answer ready, 33 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:36.959 but I'd seen the hesitation. My hackles tingled, but I 34 00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:39.159 said nothing, folding the jacket in a neat square and 35 00:01:39.159 --> 00:01:42.120 placing it on the edge of the dresser, cool, I replied, 36 00:01:42.200 --> 00:01:45.079 keeping my voice light, you want it back in your bag. 37 00:01:45.719 --> 00:01:48.519 John's eyes darted to the jacket, then to me. Oh 38 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:51.200 yea thanks, I'll see Bryan tomorrow. Wouldn't want him to 39 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:53.680 think I'd made off with this fancy stuff. He plucked 40 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:56.200 the jacket, stuffed it back into the tangle of clothes. 41 00:01:56.879 --> 00:01:59.159 I watched his board back as he moved through the bedroom, 42 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:02.959 his casualness all forced. Then clearing his throat, he switched 43 00:02:02.959 --> 00:02:04.840 the top, cast what was for dinner, mused about a 44 00:02:04.840 --> 00:02:07.120 new project at work, and drifted into the kitchen while 45 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:10.159 I finished folding towels. A flicker of called up ran 46 00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:12.800 through me, quick as a shadow across the wall, but 47 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:14.960 I pressed it down. After all, his club was full 48 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:18.680 of gear obsessives. I was probably reading into nothing, letting 49 00:02:18.680 --> 00:02:21.960 my marketing brain chase the story behind a product. Still, 50 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:24.039 as John signed along to music in the shower, his 51 00:02:24.120 --> 00:02:26.400 voice echoing through the condo, something in his routine now 52 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:30.879 struck me as unfamiliar, slightly to breaktice. Every relationship is private, languages, 53 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:34.439 rituals particular enough to mean home in hours. It started 54 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:36.680 at sunrise, Me shuffling to the kitchen to set out 55 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:39.840 coffee pots, John grinding beans because of pausa for credence, Lee, 56 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:43.199 come on. We negotiated piece treaties over breakfast. Who got 57 00:02:43.199 --> 00:02:46.599 the show first, who'd opened the afternoon emails three times 58 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:49.199 a week. We meal prepped together, dividing the fridge between 59 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:53.199 Quinno salad and John's questionable protein experiment. John called me 60 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:55.199 the adult in the room, pretending to resent how I 61 00:02:55.240 --> 00:02:57.560 color coded the calendar on our wall, even though he 62 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:00.879 liked knowing what was coming next. On Sunday, we cycled 63 00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:03.120 the lake from trail racing for the best patio seats 64 00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:06.199 at brunch. We've always been the couple people call competitive 65 00:03:06.240 --> 00:03:08.439 that the ad affectionate as a qualifier, laughing a little 66 00:03:08.439 --> 00:03:10.639 when we tease each other about to carrying our cycling 67 00:03:10.639 --> 00:03:13.879 team on weekends. There's a current between us, half rivalry, 68 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:18.080 half complicity that feels like home. John works into consulting projects, clients, 69 00:03:18.120 --> 00:03:20.599 or phone that never stays silent. But he's agile, funny, 70 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.400 social in a way that's effortless and exasperating all at once. 71 00:03:24.039 --> 00:03:26.680 He collects new friends the way I collect books. I 72 00:03:26.680 --> 00:03:29.080 stick to our core group Sir and her girlfriend, Jess, 73 00:03:29.159 --> 00:03:31.159 Ben and Monica from our building, and a couple of 74 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:33.439 John's old college friends who show up at every gathering, 75 00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:35.639 still slightly amazed at how grown up we all are. 76 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:39.039 John's family lives in Seattle, minds out east, so our 77 00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:42.000 downtown condo is the locus of everything. Impromptu Taca Knights, 78 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:44.439 birthday drinks, the odd board game rivalry with stakes that 79 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:47.280 grow ridiculous after a few glasses of wine. We made 80 00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:50.000 this life together. It felts all as like something you 81 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:52.800 could lean on. Date nights are sacred to Friday ritual, 82 00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:54.960 even if it's just Susha and trivia games on the couch. 83 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:59.080 On our six anniversary last spring, we traded gifts, both 84 00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:02.280 secretly buying high boots, laughing so hard we woke the cat. 85 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:05.400 We'd always mark a milestone with something active. John suggesting 86 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:09.080 a half marathon, me planning at Somer's paddlebar. We talk 87 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:11.360 in joint gulls, a phrase that makes both of us 88 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:14.719 roll our eyes while quietly leaning closer. Still, there are 89 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.560 things that have always felt slightly lopsided. John, with his charisma, 90 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.800 can make a stranger laugh inside of three minutes. I 91 00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:23.519 need an hour, tea, drinks and a friend standing beside me. 92 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.839 I notice details, people's tones, gaps in stories, shifts in light, 93 00:04:26.920 --> 00:04:29.959 and sometimes the sea. Worry With his just destruction, John 94 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:32.120 jokes that I run the ship, then complains I don't 95 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.160 let things breathe. We've argued more than once about control. 96 00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:38.240 My need to know is need for space. Mostly we 97 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:41.439 meet in the middle, or so I thought. The running 98 00:04:41.480 --> 00:04:45.040 club was John's territory. For months. He talked about missing 99 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:48.279 the camaraderie he had in college track. I nudged him 100 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:50.439 to join. I even found the club online, texted to 101 00:04:50.439 --> 00:04:52.959 sign up details one night after he muttered about running 102 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:57.279 the strangers. I'd hesitated briefly before sending it, worrying stupidly 103 00:04:57.319 --> 00:04:59.519 that his new hobby would take him somewhere I couldn't follow, 104 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:03.000 but I'd squashed you down. Who was I to anchor him? 105 00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:05.160 So I cheered when he laced up for his first 106 00:05:05.160 --> 00:05:08.000 group run in March, snapping a photer for his Instagram, 107 00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.279 making an epicch fuss over his new pack. Even when 108 00:05:11.319 --> 00:05:14.360 the runs became nightly, then overlapping with dinner or date nights, 109 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:17.040 I told myself I was happy for him. John was 110 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:21.360 happy too, at first. Anyway, He'd come home, sweaty and glowing, 111 00:05:21.399 --> 00:05:24.279 telling fast stories about Hill's conquered funny things. Some one 112 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:27.920 said a group text argument about GPS watches. I smiled 113 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:30.839 and asked Christians keeping my own reservations tight against my chest. 114 00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:34.560 He needed this, I needed him to need it. I 115 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:36.800 keep thinking about that, how much you can need something 116 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:39.120 for some one else, and how quickly you stopped recognizing 117 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:42.040 your own motives. It was a Thursday when the routines 118 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:45.959 first cracked. Normally we'd cook together, John mincingarlic, me ugging 119 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:49.319 over all of oil as Fleet would Mac fill the background. Instead, 120 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:52.199 John text a late, stopping for post run drinks. Don't 121 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:55.519 wait up, love you. His phrasing sounded a little too glad, 122 00:05:55.639 --> 00:05:58.680 the kind of cheerfulness that acts his insulation. At first, 123 00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:01.040 I chalked it up till long week, but then it 124 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:05.560 happened again and again. After a month, Thursday dinners were gone, 125 00:06:05.879 --> 00:06:09.040 Fridays were hit or miss. John started coming home late, 126 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:11.160 often after I'd already wound down with tea and half 127 00:06:11.160 --> 00:06:14.680 a novel. Sometimes he'd breeze in, smelling like fresh sweat 128 00:06:14.680 --> 00:06:17.199 and soap hay a stole wet from cloud showers, pressing 129 00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:19.839 a kiss to my forehead, as if apologizing for something unnamed. 130 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:23.079 He became more protective of his fallen too. He would 131 00:06:23.079 --> 00:06:25.399 step out on to the balcony, murmuring into the receiver. 132 00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:28.279 The city dinner shield at night, I'd hear the low 133 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:30.720 burrow of his voice, loft and muffled behind the closed door, 134 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:33.560 stranger more intimate than his usual high volume catch ups 135 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:37.160 with friends. A few times I caught myself hovering outside, 136 00:06:37.160 --> 00:06:39.720 straining to pick up a word or two. Hating how's reptitious, 137 00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:43.399 I sounded, even to myself. Eventually, I asked, lightly over dinner, 138 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:46.959 making a show of being nonchalant, maybe I could tag 139 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:50.160 along for one of your runs next week. John's response 140 00:06:50.199 --> 00:06:52.959 was oddly quick, Oh, it's mostly a guy's thing right now. 141 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:55.480 Kind of a burwrunt. Later in the season, some partners 142 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:57.560 joined for the longer races. But it is pretty chill, 143 00:06:57.639 --> 00:07:00.600 just as decompressing, he smiled, but of vaded my eyes, 144 00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:02.920 tucking into his posture as if to wall off the conversation. 145 00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:07.000 I swallowed, nodding, Sure, no problem. I buried the flickering 146 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:10.399 resentment in my robes, blaming it on WorkStress. My team 147 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:12.959 was deep in a product launch, my in books overflowing 148 00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:16.120 with requests. Of course, I felt left out. I barely 149 00:07:16.120 --> 00:07:19.279 had time for our usual routines. I had promised myself 150 00:07:19.319 --> 00:07:22.879 not to snoop, repeating John's words, don't overthink everything, Babe, 151 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:25.800 Just let me have this thing for myself. Still it's 152 00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:28.759 at there, small and sharp. The next weekend, I grabbed 153 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:31.360 brunch with Serra at our usual spot. I toyed with 154 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:33.920 my coffee, watching the sunlight strike patterns on the table 155 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:36.560 and try to articulate the wave hollow place John's new 156 00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:38.920 routine had left in my side of the bed. I 157 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:40.920 know it, silly, I said, But I filled this weird 158 00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:44.199 wall around his new hobby like I not invited. Sarah nodded, 159 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:46.600 I get it. Just went through the same thing when 160 00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:49.040 I joined my crab Maugacus. Suddenly I was busy during 161 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:52.000 our hangouts, but it shifted after a few weeks. I 162 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:54.720 relaxed a little. Sarah was the person in our group 163 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:56.920 who'd known me the longest, who understood how my brain 164 00:07:56.959 --> 00:07:59.839 knitted together worries and facts. I guess I just want 165 00:07:59.879 --> 00:08:02.240 to no hout's going. John's always been so easy about 166 00:08:02.279 --> 00:08:06.240 including me, she said to her Mimosa. Honestly, don't sweat it. 167 00:08:06.279 --> 00:08:08.560 A lot of club spouses popinett events. Did you hear 168 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:11.519 about that hill climb thing last month? Apparently everyone's significant 169 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:15.120 others ended up at the after party. I blinked, John 170 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:19.519 said it was just the runners. Sarah shrugged. Maybe he's 171 00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:21.439 waiting for a big event or something. Who knows what 172 00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:24.160 these clubs. You'll get your intro on the walk home. 173 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:26.639 I reapaid our conversation a commentnying at the edge of 174 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:30.079 John's roady explanations. Was I making something out of nothing? 175 00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:32.960 Or had John's guy's only story glossed over the messer truth? 176 00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:36.240 I resolved to drop it for now. My default setting, 177 00:08:36.279 --> 00:08:39.120 owned by years in marketing, is to check details, trace edges, 178 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:42.320 plan for contingencies. John teases me that I'll organize our 179 00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:46.200 obitrary color coded by lifetime milestones. But I can't help it, 180 00:08:46.200 --> 00:08:49.799 as how my brain works when anything feels uncertain. Following week, 181 00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:53.000 the oddities began to pile up with an unrelenting, sneaky rhythm. 182 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:56.120 First it was my colleague Natasha, passing by my office 183 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:59.039 as we wrapped up an internal call. She paused, picking 184 00:08:59.039 --> 00:09:01.720 at the kale and her salae and smiled. I saw 185 00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:04.360 John at for juice yesterday after my pillets clasped. He 186 00:09:04.399 --> 00:09:08.159 looked so fit, she grined, elbowing me gently. He was 187 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:10.919 with his club right saw him chatting with a pettitepounett 188 00:09:10.960 --> 00:09:13.200 looked like they were book going after a run. My 189 00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:18.639 mouth dried out. Yesterday ran six. She nodded, Yeah, I 190 00:09:18.759 --> 00:09:21.000 was getting my greens to go. He waved, but looked busy. 191 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:23.000 He must get used to sharing him with that crowd, 192 00:09:23.240 --> 00:09:27.320 ha I smiled thinly, swallowing with effort. Here he said 193 00:09:27.320 --> 00:09:29.480 he was working late after running, must have swung by 194 00:09:29.519 --> 00:09:32.320 de juice bar on his way, But the logic didn't fit. 195 00:09:32.440 --> 00:09:34.919 John had texted that he was drowning an email's post run, 196 00:09:34.960 --> 00:09:37.519 no mention of a juice stop or running with anyone specific. 197 00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:40.559 The memory of the luxury jacket flashed through my mind. 198 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.120 It unfamiliar scent lingering in the air of our closet. 199 00:09:43.639 --> 00:09:46.240 That evening, after John slipped away to the balcony with 200 00:09:46.279 --> 00:09:49.159 his throne, I cracked open his Instagram, scrolling back over ones. 201 00:09:49.879 --> 00:09:52.879 John used to post relentlessly group shots with runners, mid rays, 202 00:09:52.919 --> 00:09:56.720 selfie's goofy podium photos captioned with bad puns. But since 203 00:09:56.799 --> 00:09:59.200 joining the new club, his feet had gone oddly quiet. 204 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:03.960 No c obtacks, no group photos, not even his usual 205 00:10:04.039 --> 00:10:08.000 runstat screenshots, just work events. The occasional landscape from us 206 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:11.480 cycling trips, a handful of fruit shots. His run streak 207 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:14.159 had supposedly continued, but online it was like the runs 208 00:10:14.200 --> 00:10:17.480 didn't exist. Wack smollowed me for two straight days, but 209 00:10:17.559 --> 00:10:20.600 I couldn't shake the unnies. I made a decision impulsive 210 00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:22.840 for me, almost guilt and you sing, I would surprise 211 00:10:22.919 --> 00:10:25.279 John at the next club run just away for low 212 00:10:25.600 --> 00:10:28.759 maybe break the weird ice. Thursday night, I jobbed two 213 00:10:28.759 --> 00:10:31.200 blocks of the riverside park where the club met. The 214 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:34.480 place was buzzing, runners stretching in neon jackets, music from 215 00:10:34.519 --> 00:10:37.360 a portable speaker. I recognized a face or two from 216 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:40.240 John's stories, and summoning my courage, sidled up to a 217 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:44.039 guy he'd mentioned before, Marco's slim and friendly, tying his shoe. Hey, 218 00:10:44.200 --> 00:10:49.120 Marco's right, Jon's wife Lee. He grinned, Oh, Lee, good 219 00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:50.960 to meet you. Finally, John always says, you're a beast 220 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:53.639 on a bike. He joining us. I shook my head 221 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:57.440 just swinging by to say hi, is John here? Marco's 222 00:10:57.519 --> 00:11:00.120 looked puzzled. Actually, I think he left with a fe 223 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.200 Folks for dinner. The front groups put off Naomi and 224 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:06.320 some others. I tried to sound casual may only he 225 00:11:06.440 --> 00:11:09.480 checked his phone, shrugged. Here she organizes a lot of 226 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:12.120 cob routes, sometimes post run people high at the Tops 227 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:14.159 place on six. I'm sure John will be back next 228 00:11:14.200 --> 00:11:16.360 week for track night, though he's hard to keep up both. 229 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:19.960 I smiled, thanked him, retreating before I could press for details. 230 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:22.480 My heart pounded. I see as I walked the long 231 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:25.440 route home if John had left with Naomi. Why had 232 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:27.600 he told me he was running late? Solo and then 233 00:11:27.679 --> 00:11:30.600 back to the office. The next day, flowers arrived at 234 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.759 our door. I opened the package, expecting another cheer up 235 00:11:33.799 --> 00:11:36.960 gesture from Monica or belated birthday from my mum. Instead, 236 00:11:37.080 --> 00:11:39.639 a bucket of sunflowers and irises bright, a little wild, 237 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.200 not my style, but cheerful. The note reed, great job, 238 00:11:43.279 --> 00:11:45.960 see you at the next hill sprint. The handwriting was 239 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.200 tight upright, unfamiliar. No name. John came home. As I 240 00:11:50.200 --> 00:11:53.159 placed the vase on the counter, WHA are those for you? 241 00:11:53.879 --> 00:11:56.600 I shook my head, holding out the card, No idea. 242 00:11:56.639 --> 00:12:00.679 Maybe someone's congratulating you for something hell Sprints. He glanced 243 00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:02.759 at the card, lits tightening for a second, then gave 244 00:12:02.799 --> 00:12:06.519 his bright, over casual smile, probably Marco's He always does 245 00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:08.879 stuff like this after a hard workout. Maybe he's trying 246 00:12:08.919 --> 00:12:11.600 to sit me up. Something fractured, just a hair feather 247 00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:14.559 inside me. I focused on sweeping up stray petals, feeling 248 00:12:14.600 --> 00:12:17.759 the grains of doubt accumulating under my skin. That's Saturday. 249 00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:20.200 Sarah and Jess came over for dinner, bottles of wine 250 00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:23.279 and fresh bread and tow The conversation skittered over the 251 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:26.559 usual absurdities work gossip that travails a parallel parking downtown 252 00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:29.399 near dessert. Sarah mentioned her recent pop in at a 253 00:12:29.399 --> 00:12:33.879 club event. Naomi is hilarious, Sara sad. She had everyone 254 00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:36.159 doing weird warm ups, even the kits. John and she 255 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:38.919 were going out at super Competitive. I think he won barely. 256 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:41.480 The club has so much energy, Lee, you'd fit right in. 257 00:12:42.039 --> 00:12:45.480 I forced a smile. Naomi, she runs the admin staff, right. 258 00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:49.879 Jess nodded, Yes, she's kind of the social glue. John 259 00:12:49.960 --> 00:12:52.759 Clearing Place spoke up from the sink. It's a tight group, 260 00:12:52.799 --> 00:12:55.799 for sure. We keep each other motivated. On Monday, as 261 00:12:55.799 --> 00:12:57.799 I made our weekly payments online, I pulled up our 262 00:12:57.799 --> 00:13:01.240 bank recuess to cover the utilities. Something clitched in my chest. 263 00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:03.960 John's card show charges from two restaurants. Had never heard 264 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:07.320 of Belvy Bistro Vida Toppers. One match the night he'd 265 00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:09.840 claimed to be working late post run. The other I 266 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:12.440 knew for show wasn't with me. I'dedn solo left over 267 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:14.799 curry in front of the TV. The next day, on 268 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:17.960 my lunch break, I stopped by Vida Topper's, adrenaline spiking 269 00:13:18.039 --> 00:13:21.200 as I scanned the menu, running shoes clustered under tables, 270 00:13:21.399 --> 00:13:24.600 laughter bubbling from groups gathered by the bar. Naomi's name 271 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:27.960 circled in my head, spinning amoud. Afterward, I said nothing 272 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:31.960 to John, not yet. I needed to be sure. In 273 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.759 the evenings, he plug in his head from his claim 274 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:35.720 he had assumed with a Seattle client, but the tone 275 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:38.720 was softer, intimate. I noticed he left the house earlier 276 00:13:38.759 --> 00:13:41.720 for jogs, lingering later, often showing at the gym our 277 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:44.440 share of rituals freed at the edges. Date nights were 278 00:13:44.440 --> 00:13:47.200 postponed or shortened. When I asked if he wanted to 279 00:13:47.240 --> 00:13:50.360 plan a weekend trip our anniversary tradition, he'd deflected, murmuring 280 00:13:50.360 --> 00:13:53.200 about needing downtime. I missed how I laughter he used 281 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:55.000 to echo off the kitchen towels. How our routines fell, 282 00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:57.840 effortless and close. Now it was all hum of tension. 283 00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:00.480 John a bundle of destructions, quick to change the sun subject. 284 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:03.480 When I tried to reconnect, he grew annoyed, snapped out 285 00:14:03.519 --> 00:14:05.600 I was always making things harder. That he was under 286 00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:08.960 pressure and needed space to breathe without questions. Sex was 287 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:13.039 different too, less playful, more hurried. John drifted through it, 288 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:16.240 half absent, sometimes murmuring you're just tied, and rolling away, 289 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:20.200 leaving cold space between us. I lay awake, rehearsing questions 290 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:23.799 I never asked. I confided in Sarah again, careful not 291 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:26.960 to seem hysterical. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing, 292 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:30.600 I admitted, voice creaky with doubt. But everything's a half answer. 293 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:34.480 She squeezed my hand. But trist you're Gotley, You're not crazy. 294 00:14:34.519 --> 00:14:36.559 You've always picked up on things the rest of us miss. 295 00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:40.600 On Wednesday, the tension cracked after a club run. As 296 00:14:40.600 --> 00:14:43.480 we unloaded groceries, I've lurted, is this something going on 297 00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:45.440 with a running club or with someone there, or anything 298 00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:49.679 I should know about? John's face hardened, Jesus, Lee, It's 299 00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:51.799 not always about you being in control, all right, I 300 00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:54.679 told you I need this for myself, but within minutes 301 00:14:54.840 --> 00:14:58.679 his mood shifted. He softened, stepping closer, voice lower. Actually, 302 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:00.799 I was planning to tell you something soon. I didn't 303 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:05.600 want to stress you out. I stiffened. Tell me what, hegrin, 304 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.360 pulling me closer, diffusing attention. I'm running in a relay race, 305 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:11.919 regional qualifier. They do this thing every year where you 306 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:15.559 can't tell anyone until you're officially ended. It's like tradition. 307 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:18.360 The club's superstitious about newbies jinxing the team if they talk. 308 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:20.720 That's why I've been hush hush, cross my heart. Nothing 309 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:22.720 weird or shady. I just wanted to surprise you with 310 00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:25.960 something good for once. I'm sorry, He kissed me, pressing 311 00:15:25.960 --> 00:15:28.480 his forehead to mine. I planned a weekend away for 312 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:30.279 us after the race to make it up. You deserve 313 00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:33.639 more than leftovers and mis dates, babe. His tone was 314 00:15:33.639 --> 00:15:37.080 so genuine, so earnest. For a moment, the nott much 315 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:40.120 yess loosened. Maybe I had let the tension poison my trust. 316 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:42.120 Maybe John really had just wanted to bring me a 317 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:45.159 victory surprised me. When things felt dull for the next 318 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:48.919 few days, lifelt almost normal. John showed me with small affections, 319 00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:51.200 my favorite bottle of wine, take out from the type place. 320 00:15:51.240 --> 00:15:53.480 I loved foot massages while we watched he runs late. 321 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:56.639 He even talked about future chirps, asking where I wanted 322 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.720 to explore. After his big run, I relax let sir 323 00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:02.279 and my niiccao. I felt better, almost embarrassed at my 324 00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:05.919 elder anxiety. John was attentive, dentle, his old self re 325 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:08.799 emerging in small flushes that felt both familiar and fragile. 326 00:16:09.399 --> 00:16:11.840 But as the relay race approach, cracks appeared once again. 327 00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:14.240 John said he'd be out for a team building with 328 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:17.480 the clubmorst evenings, prepping with new teammates. He brought home 329 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:19.679 the extra late Dinner's eyes flickering over me as I 330 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:22.159 tried to ask how he was feeling. I chalked it 331 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:24.399 up to knows we both thried on competition before, but 332 00:16:24.440 --> 00:16:27.320 something still felt off. His affection was real, but his 333 00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:30.519 schedule was loser, more difficult to pin down. His phone 334 00:16:30.600 --> 00:16:33.960 was always face down, notifications off. Sarah texted me on 335 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:36.519 a rainy mid week morning. Saw this on the club 336 00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:39.679 group chat. Everyone looked ampt. Attached was a photo a 337 00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:42.120 smiling cluster of runners holding up a home and signed 338 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:46.360 reading qualifiers. The team wore matching shirts. I zoomed in, 339 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:49.960 searching for John. He wasn't in a photo. He told 340 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:52.720 me he was at the event. I waited, giving him 341 00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:54.879 a chance to mention it, but when he came home 342 00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:57.200 that night, he launched into a detailed story about prepping 343 00:16:57.279 --> 00:17:00.480 for the relay with teammates. When I gently mentioned the photo, 344 00:17:00.519 --> 00:17:03.279 he brushed it off. Bo That must have been after 345 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:05.240 I left early to meet Naomi at the gym to 346 00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:08.160 work out splits for the relay. She's a machine. I nodded, 347 00:17:08.200 --> 00:17:11.960 trying to absorb it, but my stomach sank. That night, 348 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:14.319 when John fell asleep, I sat in the living room 349 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:16.839 and stared at my own phone, a throbbing behind my eyes. 350 00:17:17.519 --> 00:17:20.279 I scowled the club's Instagram, flicking through post after posting, 351 00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:22.880 no mention of the realer Russer no tagged photos of John. 352 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:26.759 At two a m. A message, Marco's nervous energy clumping 353 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:29.519 in my chest, Hey, I keep missing John at the 354 00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:31.839 club stuff as he'd been coming out. He's so busy lately. 355 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:34.519 A few minutes later, the dots bounced in my chat. 356 00:17:35.160 --> 00:17:37.400 Actually haven't seen him on runs in a few weeks. 357 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:39.880 Think he's just hitting the gym lately. He sometimes leaves 358 00:17:39.880 --> 00:17:42.640 with Neomi after casual runs. But pretty sure he's not 359 00:17:42.759 --> 00:17:44.680 running with the group lately. He should ask him. I 360 00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:47.559 don't want intrude. The message was polite, but the age 361 00:17:47.559 --> 00:17:51.680 was unmistakable. What was John doing? Really? I opened John's 362 00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:54.200 laptop on account of the password was the same as always, 363 00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:56.880 The name of his undergrad doorman, pulled up his bank account, 364 00:17:56.920 --> 00:18:00.359 lining up the recent expenses. More eubre rites stirred on 365 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:03.519 meet nights, all centered around in address I didn't recognize. 366 00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:06.559 Hugo Maps dropped up in at seven hundred seven Overlook, 367 00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:10.559 a sleek apartment complex halfway across town. Naomi's Instagram bio 368 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:14.240 listed Overlook Appshush four hundred twelve reds at tag. I 369 00:18:14.279 --> 00:18:17.440 stopped breathing for a moment. Several rides ended there late 370 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:19.920 at night, often after John claimed he'd be prepping with 371 00:18:19.960 --> 00:18:23.000 the team. Another bar popped up, lunar roof up. I 372 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.680 never heard him mention it my chest eight. I stared 373 00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:29.279 at the numbers, remembering every casual mention of a long 374 00:18:29.359 --> 00:18:33.160 day or unexpected club dinner. Every postponed plan. I barely slept, 375 00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:35.799 rattling from suspicion to rage, to gilt and back again. 376 00:18:36.359 --> 00:18:39.000 I snapped a colleague at work. Struggled to focus during 377 00:18:39.119 --> 00:18:42.640 back to back calls. My nerve stretched to translucency. Once 378 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:45.880 here a call, I nearly burst into tears. Come over, 379 00:18:46.039 --> 00:18:49.279 she said, just for wine and space to think. I 380 00:18:49.319 --> 00:18:52.200 shook my head, voice thick. I don't know what to do. 381 00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:56.039 I feel like I'm unraveling. You're not going crazy, she insisted. 382 00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.319 Trust her Pattam finding superpower, but maybe it's time to 383 00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:02.440 confront him. For John came home late, the city lights 384 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:04.119 bleeding yellow on to his face as he dropped his 385 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:07.640 keys in the bowl. Crazy and I really prep you awake, 386 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:10.240 he said, kicking his shoes off, not bothering to hide 387 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:14.240 his exhaustion. I watched him wearily. How was the team dinner? 388 00:19:14.759 --> 00:19:18.559 He flinched just barely, then recovered good. We went deep 389 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:22.039 on strategy. I need carbs in sleep, He made a quicksand, 390 00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:24.720 which I was never meeting mine. I thought about all 391 00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:27.319 the times I'd kept the peace, silenced hard questions, and 392 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:31.480 resented my own silence. Later the next afternoon, shakeype it determined. 393 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:34.240 I called Naomi. The number was buried in the club's 394 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.759 group E mail masters ADM Naomia. I rehest my lie 395 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:42.079 three times, finally settling on breezy curiosity. Hi, Naomi, it's Lee, 396 00:19:42.119 --> 00:19:44.480 John's wife. I wanted to ask about joining the club, 397 00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:48.000 maybe grabbing some guest info for spouses. There was a pause, 398 00:19:48.119 --> 00:19:51.799 then a warm, slightly startled voice though, Lee, sorry you 399 00:19:51.880 --> 00:19:54.759 caught me at work. Yeah, of course I can send details. 400 00:19:54.839 --> 00:19:57.319 I loved hanning with John during those stressful client pitches. 401 00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:00.200