WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:04.519 And energy cancer. 2 00:00:05.679 --> 00:00:17.600 I'm so high Sage cansage. It's not sorry and energy. 3 00:00:19.079 --> 00:00:21.199 If you're looking for a podcast to give you hope, 4 00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:24.640 we should probably click off this episode. What's that positive? Bitches? 5 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:26.960 Do I have something in my teeth? Oh my god? 6 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:32.799 Things couldn't get worse? So well, ignore that today's guest 7 00:00:33.079 --> 00:00:36.280 is a box of Kleenex tissues, because all I seem 8 00:00:36.359 --> 00:00:40.560 to do is cry. I had the flu last week, 9 00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:45.359 and let's just say, the ascension symptoms are doing the 10 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:48.600 damn thing. I do believe that when our body gets sick, 11 00:00:48.679 --> 00:00:52.840 it's because it's upgrading a host of different things. However, 12 00:00:53.159 --> 00:00:56.359 I still feel a bit under the weather. So no, 13 00:00:56.759 --> 00:00:59.280 I don't have the energy to even try to put 14 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:01.159 makeup on my face right now. I'm in a big 15 00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:04.120 old Grand T shirt and I'm loving that for me 16 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:08.560 right now. And I also, oh, here's the big part 17 00:01:08.599 --> 00:01:12.159 of the podcast. I don't feel that hopeful this week. 18 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:15.879 I just don't. Okay, I don't feel like being hopeful. 19 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:18.840 I'm always so positive. This podcast is literally called that 20 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:21.799 bitch is Positive. Well, guess what this week? This bitch 21 00:01:21.959 --> 00:01:26.879 is nihilistic. Okay, she is nihilistic. I've had like twelve 22 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:31.799 existential crisis sees in the past week and a half. 23 00:01:32.480 --> 00:01:37.159 I do believe Wuthering Heights has caused that. I was 24 00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:40.159 watching the damn movie and then these channel messages started 25 00:01:40.200 --> 00:01:43.000 coming through. I had a karate chop them away. They 26 00:01:43.079 --> 00:01:48.239 were coming at me fast, and I realized for this collective, 27 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:51.439 but I'm included in it. So I say, we we 28 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:57.159 have been looking for our yellow person, okay, and yet 29 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.840 all if we've been getting is orange people. We've been 30 00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:05.480 having orange connections, orange conversations, and I'm just using random 31 00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:08.120 colors because this is how it came through. We have 32 00:02:08.360 --> 00:02:13.879 been in orange places, and all we want is the 33 00:02:14.159 --> 00:02:19.120 damn yellow. We want the yellow connection, the yellow conversation, 34 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:22.879 our yellow person, the person that feels like we've known 35 00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:27.560 them for lifetimes. And I'm gonna start crying. I can 36 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:31.319 already feel it. This podcast has no point. Okay, this 37 00:02:31.479 --> 00:02:35.319 is a nihilistic episode. It has no point besides me talking. 38 00:02:35.960 --> 00:02:39.000 There might be some codes in here that elevate your consciousness. 39 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:41.680 I don't know. I have no idea what's about to happen. 40 00:02:41.719 --> 00:02:44.479 I'm just showing up because last week when I did it, 41 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:49.719 some people yelled at me, meaning you guys, the positive bitches. 42 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:55.080 I don't work for anyone but God. Anyway, I've realized 43 00:02:55.759 --> 00:02:59.520 in my life, in collective's life, that we have been 44 00:02:59.639 --> 00:03:03.360 looking for our yellow and every time we date someone 45 00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:09.680 or have a friendship and we realize, uh, they're just orange. 46 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:17.639 They are just orange. It's so disappointing. It's so disappointing. 47 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:19.759 I asked you, guys, what do you want to hear 48 00:03:19.960 --> 00:03:22.400 on this week's podcast? And there was something that I'm 49 00:03:22.400 --> 00:03:25.439 gonna cry. There's something that caught my eye. It was 50 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:30.039 how to find excitement to live. I don't want dopamine 51 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:34.520 from food people's stuff. I try a lot of new things, 52 00:03:34.599 --> 00:03:37.240 but everything feels so shallow and boring and I don't 53 00:03:37.240 --> 00:03:44.159 recognize me. Welcome to the party. Do you like it here? 54 00:03:44.680 --> 00:03:47.639 Do you like being self aware? Is it fun for you? 55 00:03:48.199 --> 00:03:54.319 It's a lot of fun for me. I don't actually 56 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:56.360 wish this, but I will say it would be so 57 00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:59.599 much easier for us if we could just be in 58 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:05.520 a cow and date Dave from the freaking hall down 59 00:04:05.639 --> 00:04:11.159 the whatever. I don't know what I'm saying here. You 60 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:13.479 know what I'm saying, though, It would be so much 61 00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:16.600 easier if we could settle for orange connections and an 62 00:04:16.639 --> 00:04:20.600 orange life and orange relationships. But we just know that's 63 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:23.879 not our destined frequency. It's not where we're meant to be. 64 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:28.360 And when I was channeling, what I heard is every 65 00:04:28.439 --> 00:04:31.920 time you release someone, it's not even that orange person 66 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:34.040 that you care about, that you want back, that you 67 00:04:34.120 --> 00:04:36.560 wish it would have worked out with. You're mourning the 68 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:39.800 fact that they are not your yellow person. Every time 69 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:43.879 you said bye to Bob or Steve or Karen wasn't 70 00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:47.680 really about them. You were just upset that they were 71 00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.240 freaking orange. And all you want is a yellow person, 72 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:54.519 a yellow connection. The disappointment of it all is just 73 00:04:55.680 --> 00:05:00.399 a lot. Sometimes I still know that yellow eggs for me, 74 00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:02.519 and I know it exists for you. So even when 75 00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:05.399 I'm nihilistic af I still have like a little bit 76 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:08.600 of hope. You can take the girl out of Florida 77 00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:10.240 because I'm in New York right now, but you can't 78 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:12.439 take the hope out of the girl, even when she 79 00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:20.720 wants to be a nihilist. Apparently I have really taken 80 00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:25.680 out anything that has brought me joy, like my codependent relationships. Goodbye, 81 00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:30.079 no thank you. I want to break the generational curse 82 00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:32.920 on my family. I don't want to become it. I 83 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:36.439 have completely gone off coffee, but I do have good news. 84 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:40.360 I am allowed to start mushroom coffee or mushroom macha 85 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:42.680 now on this cleanse, at the phase I'm at so 86 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:50.079 cool vibes, I have completely unplugged from any binging issue 87 00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:52.839 that I've ever had, And like, I know what this 88 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:57.519 person is saying. I feel like right now I'm just 89 00:05:57.560 --> 00:06:00.839 a bleak bitch and it is what it is. I 90 00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:04.600 feel everything so deeply, and I'm feeling this deeply right now. 91 00:06:05.240 --> 00:06:07.920 And what I don't feel like doing is putting on 92 00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:13.720 makeup and like being that version of myself because that's 93 00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:16.040 not how I feel right now, and I just don't 94 00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:24.759 care to feel fake about it. So this is life again. 95 00:06:25.160 --> 00:06:27.839 If you're still watching, I didn't even I told you 96 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:32.199 to click off shit. I think I still have hope. 97 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:41.800 I'm sorry. I still believe in something. That's who we are, 98 00:06:42.279 --> 00:06:45.519 can we if you have found this random video on YouTube, 99 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:48.199 this is just who we are. We're that of the 100 00:06:48.279 --> 00:06:52.120 builders of the ant. My cousin just sent me something today. 101 00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:57.839 She said something about bamboo. She said, bamboo gets watered 102 00:06:57.879 --> 00:07:00.439 for three years and nothing happens. Then it grows ninety 103 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.879 feet in six weeks. Those three years weren't wasted. They 104 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:07.800 were the foundation that made growth possible. I know that 105 00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:11.959 we are the builders, and so it is going to 106 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:14.279 be dark Knight of the Soul, after dark Knight of 107 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:17.600 the Soul, after existential crisis. I mean, I remember my 108 00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:19.759 first existential crisis. I didn't know what to call it, 109 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:22.040 but I remember I was sitting I think it was 110 00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:23.920 in the backseat and we were in front of like 111 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:30.680 Dunkin Donuts or something CBS, and I remember literally questioningly, 112 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.600 what is all of this for and what's the point 113 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:41.480 of any of this? And logically I know, but I 114 00:07:41.560 --> 00:07:46.720 think sometimes you go through that revolving door so many 115 00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:50.399 times that you're just so tired. And that's definitely why 116 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:53.160 my body made itself sick to just rest. It was 117 00:07:53.199 --> 00:07:56.519 like Christas, stop stop going out, stop seeing people, stop 118 00:07:56.600 --> 00:07:59.360 doing everything. You need to chill. I think this is 119 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:01.759 really BEU full moment in my life because I get 120 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.800 to reevaluate everything. I get to say what actually is 121 00:08:05.879 --> 00:08:08.040 bringing me joy and what is it? Who do I 122 00:08:08.199 --> 00:08:11.480 want to keep around and who do I not. So 123 00:08:11.600 --> 00:08:15.399 if you're having an existential crisis. What a time to 124 00:08:15.480 --> 00:08:19.839 be alive. Honestly, we get to reevalguate and one of 125 00:08:19.879 --> 00:08:22.319 my favorite things about myself, I'm gonna hype myself up 126 00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:25.920 for a moment. I don't stay stuck. I don't. I 127 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:29.439 see so many people in my family in codependent relationships. 128 00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:33.759 They're not even happy, They're literally miserable. They want to 129 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:37.679 escape them. And I did that. I did that. I 130 00:08:37.799 --> 00:08:39.759 was in a seven year relationship and I ended that. 131 00:08:40.159 --> 00:08:42.399 And then I listened to Ray's new album How She's 132 00:08:42.440 --> 00:08:47.960 Been Loved Before nighting Gale Lane the song oh Oh Gosh. 133 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:50.440 I listened to it and I started crying on the 134 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:54.960 plane because I miss what that felt like to be 135 00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:58.759 so loved by someone. But they're not my yellow so 136 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:03.399 like it doesn't even matter because I don't want them. 137 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:09.320 I just miss that feeling. And I think it's important 138 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:12.799 to recognize that sometimes we think we miss someone, but 139 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:14.919 we don't actually miss them. We miss what they were 140 00:09:15.399 --> 00:09:17.879 able to make us feel. Maybe we even miss parts 141 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:21.360 of the connection, but if we were to go back, 142 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:23.919 we wouldn't actually be happy. And we need to remember 143 00:09:24.039 --> 00:09:28.159 that I really love love, and I love being in 144 00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:31.440 a relationship with the right person. The wrong person will 145 00:09:31.480 --> 00:09:35.159 make you ugly, and I've been that ugly version of myself. 146 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:37.799 I don't want to go back to that one hundred percent. No, 147 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:40.559 I don't want to go back to that. But I 148 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:45.879 just love love, and I do, and I don't want 149 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:48.919 to be like how everyone else has been, where they 150 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:51.919 deny what they want to other people because they don't 151 00:09:51.960 --> 00:09:54.720 have it. I think so many celebrities do that. I 152 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:58.559 know Taylor Swift at one point said she didn't even 153 00:09:58.600 --> 00:10:01.480 want marriage in a song even and said that she 154 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:03.600 would say she didn't want it, but of course she did. 155 00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:06.879 And I say, of course, because most women do. And 156 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:09.519 if that offends you, I don't care. You need to 157 00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:10.159 seek help. 158 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:10.399 Then. 159 00:10:10.759 --> 00:10:14.799 I have broken out of codependent relationships even though I 160 00:10:14.960 --> 00:10:18.120 was comfortable and in love, because I know I have 161 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:20.720 to be a disciple of the vision that God has 162 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:23.919 given me. And I broke out of binge eating because 163 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:26.840 I know that wasn't good for my body. And the 164 00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:29.240 type of body that God has put on my heart 165 00:10:29.519 --> 00:10:31.919 does not binge. It's healthy. It knows how to be 166 00:10:32.759 --> 00:10:36.600 nutrient dense. And I broke out of even living in 167 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:38.320 New York to go to Florida to be in a 168 00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:42.159 new place, like I will not say where, I'm not happy. 169 00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:47.039 And I think for me, I've changed so much mind, body, spirit, soul, 170 00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:51.200 working with energy coaches and all these different things, and 171 00:10:51.279 --> 00:10:56.039 I'm way more peaceful now than ever and happier than ever. 172 00:10:56.919 --> 00:11:05.000 But I still have this feeling disappointment, and I think 173 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:09.799 that it's just there's nothing to say about it. Sorry, 174 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:13.440 Like that's just it. I'm just sharing my thoughts. I 175 00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:16.639 don't have a teaching moment. In my past. I would 176 00:11:16.720 --> 00:11:21.559 bypass my emotions and intellectualize them and try to just 177 00:11:21.639 --> 00:11:23.840 find a silver lining. And I don't really want to 178 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:31.879 do that anymore because it's kind of boring. It's like 179 00:11:32.480 --> 00:11:38.240 psychological coffee. You're just always pumping yourself up with a 180 00:11:38.360 --> 00:11:41.159 caffeinated thought to get you through the day. And I 181 00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:44.399 don't want to live on caffeated thoughts. I want. 182 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:46.360 To just be. 183 00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:50.200 And even when I got the flu, there was this 184 00:11:50.399 --> 00:11:55.120 part of me that was just so happy to do nothing. 185 00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:57.519 I was so happy to just sit there and watch 186 00:11:57.679 --> 00:12:02.200 movies and shows. It's very interesting to be on a 187 00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:08.679 different path than everyone around you and having to show 188 00:12:08.759 --> 00:12:11.960 up for everyone as they hit those life milestones, whether 189 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:18.200 it's I don't know, marriage, baby, engagement. There's so many 190 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:21.159 parties for like, do you know what I mean? One 191 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:23.080 time I was at a wedding and I had to 192 00:12:23.159 --> 00:12:25.879 excuse myself and go to the bathroom, and I just cried. 193 00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.799 Not because I wanted marriage in that moment, I was 194 00:12:29.960 --> 00:12:34.480 disgusted by how matrixy it all felt, how fake it 195 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.679 all felt. I'm like, why the hell am I even here? 196 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:41.840 What is anyone doing here? What is this even about? 197 00:12:42.960 --> 00:12:46.000 I can't help that, that's how my brain operates. But 198 00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:49.279 I love the person who got married, and I'm so 199 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:53.120 happy for her and him, and I hope. I really 200 00:12:53.159 --> 00:12:55.279 do believe they're in love, and I really do believe 201 00:12:55.279 --> 00:12:58.559 they'll have a beautiful marriage. But the whole celebration of 202 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:04.399 it all, maybe want to cry because it felt fake. 203 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:08.120 I have this picture when I was little and I 204 00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:10.799 was on Santa Claus's lap and I was hysterically crying. 205 00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:15.039 My face is beat red. I look miserable in the photo, 206 00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:21.320 and it's so symbolic of how I feel about things lately. 207 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:24.360 And maybe it's the I don't know war and Iran, 208 00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:31.120 or maybe it's how weird everyone is now I don't 209 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:36.600 know what it is. Maybe it's just everything. Maybe it's me, 210 00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:40.759 am I the corporate of my own life. Damn it. 211 00:13:43.159 --> 00:13:47.639 But I didn't think a dark Knight of the soul 212 00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:50.360 could go any deeper. I've had like seventeen million of them. 213 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:55.200 But I think the deeper you go, the more isolating 214 00:13:55.440 --> 00:13:58.759 it is. And I just look at people and I 215 00:13:58.919 --> 00:14:01.480 still don't want to be that. I don't think ignorance 216 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:04.080 is bliss. I rather be me. I rather know, I 217 00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:07.240 rather take the road less traveled. I rather do what 218 00:14:07.399 --> 00:14:13.039 my mission is and my divine assignment is. But I 219 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.120 think when you're on this type of path, which if 220 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:18.039 you're listening, you're on this type of path where your 221 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:19.919 life is going to look different, whether it's your career 222 00:14:20.039 --> 00:14:22.159 or your love life or everything, you are meant to 223 00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:27.879 be used as an instrument of the divine. What I 224 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:34.480 would love is to find those moments of pleasure. Again, 225 00:14:34.759 --> 00:14:39.159 I'm so against hedonism where you're all about pleasure all 226 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:43.159 the time, because I really know what my life is 227 00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:45.360 supposed to look like and what yours is going to 228 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:50.960 look like. But I do think I would love some 229 00:14:51.159 --> 00:14:56.360 pleasure enjoy right now, like I really would, maybe it's 230 00:14:56.440 --> 00:14:59.279 the no coffee. Maybe it's the abstinence, the no alcohol, 231 00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:04.320 the no cookies, no cakes, no nothing. Maybe it's the 232 00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:07.720 strict cleanse that I'm on. Maybe I'm going too far 233 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:11.080 in one direction, one end of the spectrum, and I'm 234 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:14.320 wanting to polarize now, But I just feel like I 235 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:18.159 need a metaphor cigarette or something to be like for 236 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:27.679 a damn minute, and you know, to be honest, I 237 00:15:27.799 --> 00:15:31.519 was looking at my vision board the other day and 238 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:39.720 even that kind of felt new matrixy, like what And 239 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:42.840 I think while I've had the flu and I all 240 00:15:42.879 --> 00:15:46.360 I could do is rest, there was this beautiful feeling 241 00:15:46.440 --> 00:15:50.639 that I really loved. And it was that feeling of surrender. 242 00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:53.440 I'm not gonna work out and I'm just gonna let 243 00:15:53.519 --> 00:15:57.159 my body do its thing. I'm not gonna take any 244 00:15:57.240 --> 00:15:59.080 clients and I'm just gonna allow life to do its 245 00:15:59.159 --> 00:16:02.679 thing right now. I'm gonna take my herbs and I'm 246 00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:04.919 gonna let my body heal and everything's gonna be fine. 247 00:16:05.519 --> 00:16:07.639 And then when I look at my vision board again, 248 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:10.559 I'm like, oh, like, I don't really feel like envisioning 249 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:12.559 all this and I don't really feel like feeding this 250 00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:14.879 with energy, and I kind of just want God to 251 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:19.919 do the damn thing. And there's so much peace in that. 252 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:22.879 I think some of us get too wrapped up in 253 00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:27.600 manifestation that yes we do have co control. Yes it's 254 00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:31.480 important to feed your energy to that which you do want, 255 00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:36.279 but sometimes it's so nice to just take a back 256 00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:41.279 seat and say, you know what, I surrender God, just 257 00:16:41.399 --> 00:16:43.600 do it for me. And that's I think that's where 258 00:16:43.639 --> 00:16:46.519 I am right now. And this won't be every season. 259 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:50.120 This is just my current season. And I do feel 260 00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:54.279 quite existential, and I do feel a little bit nihilistic, 261 00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:59.120 and I do feel not hopeless. Hopeless isn't the right word. 262 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:02.919 It's like I'm seeing the world so clearly and it's 263 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:08.559 making me disgusted. Like I can feel so clearly that 264 00:17:08.680 --> 00:17:14.519 it's making me disgusted. That's what I'm feeling. I still 265 00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:19.079 love hope for us and me, and I still believe 266 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:22.480 in yellow. I'm always gonna believe. I don't care if 267 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:25.440 I'm fifty. Okay, you will see me on YouTube, you 268 00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:28.279 will hear me on Spotify or Apple podcasts wherever you listen. 269 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:31.200 By the way, don't forget. Please give this a thumbs 270 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:34.119 up like a subscribe so we can grow this damn thing. 271 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:37.279 I would always be like this, I promise, but this 272 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.880 week I am. I rather go to sleep every single 273 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:44.960 night by myself and have peace in my heart that 274 00:17:45.079 --> 00:17:50.519 I'm not laying down next to an orange person, then 275 00:17:50.599 --> 00:17:53.119 give up on believing in yellow. I rather be alone 276 00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:58.880 than giving up on believing in yellow. I rather be 277 00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:03.200 in this season right now, sad and still believe in 278 00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:07.000 a yellow person. I'd rather give all of my energy 279 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:09.680 to my business than give up belief on a yellow person. 280 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:18.359 I refuse to settle into orange connections. These people who 281 00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:21.759 just you know what. I was thinking about this the 282 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:26.240 other day because it came through, and I don't think 283 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:30.240 it's politically correct. I'm nihilistic right now, so I don't care, 284 00:18:30.839 --> 00:18:35.279 but I really do know. It doesn't matter. If I 285 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.319 couldn't see and I couldn't hear, I would never be 286 00:18:38.440 --> 00:18:41.839 satisfied with orange. It doesn't matter if I couldn't smell, 287 00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:45.279 I wouldn't be satisfied with orange. And you know why 288 00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:48.039 that kind of came through. This lady was walking with 289 00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:52.039 I don't know her husband, man, person, animal, whatever that 290 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:56.359 thing is, and she was giving me the dirtiest look 291 00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:01.240 as I was walking past her, and I just it's like, 292 00:19:02.200 --> 00:19:04.359 I don't This is not a self generated thought. This 293 00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:05.079 is what I heard. 294 00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:05.920 I heard. 295 00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:09.319 If I was deaf and blind, your person still wouldn't 296 00:19:09.319 --> 00:19:17.200 satisfy me. I'm not saying it's correct to say, and 297 00:19:17.279 --> 00:19:21.880 I'm not saying it's nice. I'm saying it's true. It's true. 298 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:24.720 I don't want that thing that's next to you. Okay, 299 00:19:25.400 --> 00:19:28.839 crazy person over there, It's my turn to be crazy, okay. 300 00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:34.160 And I don't want orange out of any part of 301 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:35.839 my life. And that's why I refuse to give up. 302 00:19:35.880 --> 00:19:38.119 I think I'm coming back online with the hope right now. 303 00:19:39.319 --> 00:19:40.680 This is what it is. This is what it is. 304 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:45.200 I would rather work every day of my life striving 305 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:48.759 to get to yellow then live in orange. I rather 306 00:19:48.920 --> 00:19:51.640 have no evidence of yellow but have hope in my 307 00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:54.960 heart that it exists than be an orange. I rather 308 00:19:55.119 --> 00:20:00.799 work so hard till I'm crying and bleeding and sweating 309 00:20:01.799 --> 00:20:05.440 towards yellow, then to settle with orange. And again, this 310 00:20:05.559 --> 00:20:07.559 is just a metaphor, this is just how it came through. 311 00:20:09.160 --> 00:20:12.319 We are meant to live in yellow, and I'm not 312 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:14.200 gonna stop till I get it. So if I have 313 00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:17.960 to go through a freaking season where I'm nihilistic and 314 00:20:18.079 --> 00:20:22.319 having an existential crisis, then I'll do it. And if 315 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:24.279 I have to cry, then I'll do it. If I 316 00:20:24.319 --> 00:20:26.119 have to have Kleenex as my guests, and then I'll 317 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:27.640 do it. I don't care if you want to knock 318 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:30.440 me down, I will get back up. Am I alive? 319 00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:32.400 Am I breathing? Then I'm gonna keep going. I'm going 320 00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:35.480 towards Yellow. And that's why I'm gonna show up even 321 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:37.279 though I still low key have the flu, and I'm 322 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:39.359 still gonna show up without makeup, and I'm gonna show 323 00:20:39.400 --> 00:20:43.559 up in a raggedy T shirt because yellow exists. And 324 00:20:43.680 --> 00:20:46.519 I'm not stopping till I get it. Why Because I 325 00:20:46.720 --> 00:20:50.000 owe it to myself. You owe it to yourself. We 326 00:20:50.279 --> 00:20:54.079 owe it to ourselves. And sometimes we just have to 327 00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:56.039 remember I did not come all the way down to 328 00:20:56.119 --> 00:21:00.920 planet Earth, incarnate here to miss out on what I 329 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:04.920 came for, which is yellow. If you're living, if you're breathing, 330 00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:10.039 get back up. The world is gonna keep turning. You 331 00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:14.400 have to keep breathing. Let's go, let's go. You gotta 332 00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:19.559 get back up. So even in these emotions Yeah, they're there, 333 00:21:19.720 --> 00:21:21.759 and yes, i will cry, and I'm not gonna give 334 00:21:21.799 --> 00:21:24.279 myself a caffeinated thought of It's fine. No, I'm not 335 00:21:24.440 --> 00:21:27.319 doing that. That pisces me off. It's what people call 336 00:21:27.440 --> 00:21:31.000 toxic positivity. To me, it's just annoying. So if I'm 337 00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:33.920 feeling down, screw it. I'll watch to Withering Heights again 338 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.519 and I'll watch it a third time. I will do 339 00:21:36.680 --> 00:21:39.359 what I have to do. But I'm gonna keep going, 340 00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:47.799 and please, please keep going. You can't give up because 341 00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:50.079 I know that it gets hard. That's why I'm showing 342 00:21:50.200 --> 00:21:53.480 up like this. It's dude, I'm a human too. Hello, 343 00:21:53.799 --> 00:21:55.920 Can anyone hear me in this void of the internet. 344 00:21:56.720 --> 00:21:59.119 I'm a human too. If I'm not giving up, where 345 00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:00.200 do you get off getting up? 346 00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:01.160 Oh? 347 00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:05.920 No, If I'm not giving up, you're not giving up either. 348 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:08.920 Because we're in the trenches together. And if I'm gonna 349 00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:12.160 keep going and I'm gonna keep going towards my yellow, 350 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:14.240 then you have to too. Let's make a promise to 351 00:22:14.359 --> 00:22:17.559 each other. I promise to show up for you on 352 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:19.839 this podcast. I promise to show up for you on 353 00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:23.279 TikTok on Instagram. You gotta promise me too. You gotta 354 00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:26.039 promise me that you're gonna keep going. I need you too. 355 00:22:26.519 --> 00:22:28.359 I need you to because you signed up to come 356 00:22:28.440 --> 00:22:31.599 to Blanet Earth to play your part, to share your light. 357 00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:36.799 You can't give up. I need you here, the planet 358 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:40.359 needs you here. You have to keep going, and so 359 00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:43.920 do I. So we're gonna let the feelings be there. 360 00:22:43.960 --> 00:22:46.599 We're gonna acknowledge them. We're not gonna run from them. 361 00:22:46.920 --> 00:22:51.440 We're not gonna binge. Put the oreos down, put them down. 362 00:22:51.960 --> 00:22:54.279 We're not gonna binge, put the bottle down. We're not 363 00:22:54.359 --> 00:22:57.519 gonna drink. No, we're not. We're gonna face this shit 364 00:22:57.640 --> 00:23:00.559 in the face, face to face with our own shit. 365 00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:04.680 What's up, bitch, Welcome, Welcome to the fun house. This 366 00:23:04.839 --> 00:23:08.920 is how we play it, so fun. We're gonna look 367 00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:11.599 our life in the face and if it's not going 368 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:14.240 the way we want, we're gonna audit. We're going to 369 00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:18.359 reclaim our parts of self. We're gonna rengle ourselves. We're 370 00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:21.279 gonna keep going. We're gonna try again. But we, however, 371 00:23:21.400 --> 00:23:23.599 are not giving up. That is not in our nature. 372 00:23:24.240 --> 00:23:26.559 If you give up now, you will resent yourself for 373 00:23:26.599 --> 00:23:29.960 the rest of your life. You will resent yourself for 374 00:23:29.960 --> 00:23:32.319 the rest of your life. If you have any inkling 375 00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:35.119 within you that you're in the wrong relationship, get out. 376 00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:39.240 I was in a seven year one. I'm fine. I'm fine. 377 00:23:39.279 --> 00:23:42.079 As I cry about being existential on the on the internet, 378 00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:45.599 I'm fine. No, But seriously, there's not one day in 379 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:48.000 my life that I haven't regret about that. It was 380 00:23:48.039 --> 00:23:50.200 the best thing I ever did for myself. If you 381 00:23:50.240 --> 00:23:51.720 have an inkling that you're at the wrong job, that 382 00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:54.400 you're in the wrong city, that you're in the wrong place, 383 00:23:54.680 --> 00:23:57.160 you have to get out. And yes, it's going to 384 00:23:57.200 --> 00:23:59.039 be hard. I'm not gonna lie to you. Why would 385 00:23:59.039 --> 00:24:01.759 I do that. Yeah, Yeah, it's gonna be hard. You're 386 00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:04.359 gonna have to make new friends, new connections, new relationships. 387 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:06.759 You're gonna have to go through surface level mumbo jumbo. 388 00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:08.240 You're gonna have to be alone. You're gonna have to 389 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:10.039 work on yourself. You're gonna have to look at yourself. 390 00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:13.319 You're gonna have to transcend your shadows. You're gonna have 391 00:24:13.359 --> 00:24:15.960 to do all of that, and it's gonna be worth 392 00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:17.720 it because you will get to your yellow I want 393 00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:22.839 to read you something someone recently took my Shadow Alchemy course, 394 00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:25.279 and this is what they wrote. Hello. I just wanted 395 00:24:25.319 --> 00:24:27.160 to say that I finally got around to be getting 396 00:24:27.200 --> 00:24:29.319 the Art of Alchemy course. I'm on part four where 397 00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:32.039 you show how to do the shamanic shaking. I am shook. 398 00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:34.200 I can't believe what happens. I legit felt like I 399 00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:37.079 was having an emotional exorcism. I don't know how I 400 00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:38.799 ended up on the floor. It's not in tears and 401 00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:41.359