WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.359 --> 00:00:07.160 Tonight, it's my pleasure to introduce our friend Alan Berger. 2 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:10.400 We're continuing our series of workshops on the theme of 3 00:00:10.439 --> 00:00:13.960 emotional sobriety. Doctor Burger will speak to our group on 4 00:00:14.039 --> 00:00:17.399 the first Monday of each month throughout this year twenty 5 00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:21.280 twenty two. Tonight is the third part of his discussion 6 00:00:21.480 --> 00:00:25.320 of how we can apply the twelve Essential Insights for 7 00:00:25.399 --> 00:00:29.640 Emotional Sobriety to our recovery and growth in our programs. 8 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:34.520 Doctor Burger will be talking about discerning our emotional dependency. 9 00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:40.240 And let me tell you a little about Alan. Alan 10 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:44.280 recently celebrated fifty years of sobriety using the Twelve Steps 11 00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:49.079 and over forty years as a practicing psychotherapist specializing in 12 00:00:49.159 --> 00:00:54.280 addiction to recovery with an emphasis on emotional sobriety. Doctor 13 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:57.560 Berger will bring a wealth of knowledge and experience to. 14 00:00:57.560 --> 00:00:58.439 Us each month. 15 00:00:58.520 --> 00:01:03.840 Like I said in Hiss and So, he's going to 16 00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:06.760 be talking again about the insight number three and you 17 00:01:06.799 --> 00:01:10.159 can find that referenced in his new book, which is 18 00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:14.439 those the twelve Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety, and it's 19 00:01:14.480 --> 00:01:17.280 actually chapter five of the book if you want to 20 00:01:17.640 --> 00:01:19.319 if you haven't had the book, handy and you want 21 00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:21.920 to look at it for further information. 22 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:26.519 So now it wasn't that genius. I don't have to 23 00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:29.079 intro you now, I mean you got me intro. 24 00:01:29.760 --> 00:01:33.200 Yeah, I've been made, You've been made. 25 00:01:33.239 --> 00:01:34.599 She promoted the book. 26 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:36.319 She did it all, She did it. 27 00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:36.920 All for me. 28 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:38.280 No, that's Susie. 29 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:39.400 That's Susie right. 30 00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:40.840 I love it. 31 00:01:40.920 --> 00:01:43.640 I love it. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome 32 00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:47.239 back to the scene of the conversation. You already know 33 00:01:47.280 --> 00:01:47.680 what it is. 34 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:50.519 It's the VR is Thursday night. 35 00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:54.400 We've been on fire all week long and I had 36 00:01:54.439 --> 00:02:02.200 to bring in the final boss of psychotherapy of emotional sobriety. 37 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:05.159 Come on, let's have a real conversation. 38 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:07.519 The number of dollars one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen 39 00:02:07.560 --> 00:02:10.960 point eighty before I introduced my brother. This is my brother. 40 00:02:11.879 --> 00:02:15.520 I don't think you all understand. This is my bro 41 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:23.560 has always been a catalyst and a supporter of my work. 42 00:02:24.919 --> 00:02:27.360 Was able to see it, see where it's coming from, 43 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:33.800 understand it. Man, Doctor Berger is one of him one's. 44 00:02:33.879 --> 00:02:35.919 I wouldn't bring him in here if he wasn't one 45 00:02:35.960 --> 00:02:38.639 of them ones. Ladies in Joe, he's one of them. 46 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:44.039 One'sy tonight's topic. We're going to cover some of the 47 00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:50.400 concepts and ideas not only in his book, but in 48 00:02:50.520 --> 00:02:54.199 the body of work that he has established. I mean, 49 00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:58.759 how long have you been a therapist? Christ I know. 50 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:05.159 Yeah, susioad. The announcement was made five years ago because 51 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:09.639 just August first, I celebrated fifty five years clean and sover. 52 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:10.639 Wow. 53 00:03:10.919 --> 00:03:14.240 Fifty five years and I've been as a psychotherapist actually 54 00:03:14.879 --> 00:03:18.120 about fifty three of those fifty five years. 55 00:03:18.439 --> 00:03:19.319 Yikes. 56 00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:21.800 Okay, that's a life. 57 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:23.159 That's a lifetime. 58 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:26.479 Brother. Yeah, and look, yeah, you're my brother too, man, 59 00:03:26.520 --> 00:03:28.800 and I do get what you do. And I think 60 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:33.240 everybody that listens to you understands that when you show up, 61 00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:38.080 you show up for them, that when you share, you're 62 00:03:38.120 --> 00:03:41.639 sharing something that you feel is of value and can 63 00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:45.000 make a difference in people's lives. And that's why I've 64 00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:47.159 loved your work up to this point in time, because 65 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:52.000 you've made an incredible contribution to the well being of 66 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:55.800 anyone that comes in contact to you. Man, You're that 67 00:03:56.240 --> 00:04:00.639 you're like the pied Piper of mental health. Oh wow, wow, 68 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:06.240 you just carry such a wonderful message. And not only that, Man, listen, 69 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:11.039 I don't trust anybody that doesn't walk the way they talk. 70 00:04:12.199 --> 00:04:15.639 And you walk the talk. You walk the talk. You 71 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:19.720 are the Zoe. You guys, here, here is the Zoe 72 00:04:19.879 --> 00:04:23.439 out there that's living his life, that's trying to show up, 73 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.000 that's trying to figure things out, that hurts like you 74 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:28.360 and I hurt that. It feels the pain that you 75 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:31.160 and I feel. That struggles with the same issues. But 76 00:04:31.279 --> 00:04:34.639 what you bring to that struggle is the amazing degree 77 00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:37.240 of consciousness you had. I was talking about that earlier. 78 00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:40.839 The consciousness you bring to your work, to your body 79 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:44.319 of work has been phenomenal and inspires me as well. 80 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:52.439 Come on, all right, good night everyone. 81 00:04:53.360 --> 00:04:57.279 Now, before I get this conversation going, I would be 82 00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:04.199 remiss if I did not acknowledge that today for me 83 00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:11.319 was a tough day. I appeared on many shows on 84 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:18.279 this station over the last eighteen months after the fires 85 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:22.920 happened in Altadena in Pasadena, and I you know, I 86 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:27.800 talked about how a couple of my older brothers were missing. Well, 87 00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:37.800 today my second oldest brother, Maurice big Mo, passed away. 88 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:43.439 And when I tell you that was a protector, a mentor, 89 00:05:43.800 --> 00:05:49.519 a father figure, an example, he was everything for me 90 00:05:50.759 --> 00:05:55.720 and just to see him over the past years just 91 00:05:55.879 --> 00:06:03.040 deteriorate because of codependency on alcohol. Yeah, it leads us 92 00:06:03.160 --> 00:06:06.560 right into our topic, you know, being in a toxic 93 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:11.519 relationship and enabler drinking all. It leads us into our 94 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:14.920 topic tonight, rest in peace, big brother, Mo, I love 95 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:19.120 you forever. And now let's get to it. Emotional sobriety 96 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:21.959 a step by step guide on how to break insecure 97 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:23.720 attachment code dependence. 98 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:24.199 Yeah. 99 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:27.160 Well, let's dedicate this show to your brother to let's 100 00:06:27.199 --> 00:06:29.920 do that. This is for you, Mo, This is for 101 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:33.199 what didn't happen in your life that can happen in 102 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:37.879 other people's. Yeah, and hopefully you're suffering and your pain 103 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:42.720 will inspire some people to say, hey, time to wake up. 104 00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:46.959 This is the real deal. This is not a dress rehearsal. No, 105 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:48.639 this is it, man, this is it. 106 00:06:49.079 --> 00:06:51.639 I love it. Let's get to the questions. Doc, you 107 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:54.240 got to walk us through this. Yeah, number one, give 108 00:06:54.319 --> 00:06:57.720 us your definition of emotional sobriety. What is it? Why 109 00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:02.120 do we need it? Why is it important right for 110 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:05.800 us to cultivate and kind of develop it? What is 111 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:08.000 an emotional operating system? 112 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:10.240 Hey, talk to me bro. 113 00:07:10.759 --> 00:07:16.160 Listen, what a juicy question. Very juicy. Let me take 114 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:18.560 the first bite of that. Yes, and the first bite 115 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:23.319 would be, in one word, emotional. Sobriety has to do 116 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:30.120 with freedom, emotional freedom. And see what we don't realize, 117 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.560 all of us think. We walk around thinking, oh, I'm 118 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:34.399 in control of my life. I've been in control of 119 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:37.279 what I'm doing. But the truth is is Freud had 120 00:07:37.319 --> 00:07:40.839 it right that we are being lived by the forces 121 00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:46.639 within us, and those forces, most of them, are outside 122 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:51.480 of our awareness. We don't realize it. And so when 123 00:07:51.519 --> 00:07:53.839 I talk about freedom, you know, if I go back 124 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.120 into my history when I was my first drink was 125 00:07:57.120 --> 00:08:00.519 when I was twelve years old, I can remember it 126 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:03.639 like it was happening yesterday. And I'm seventy four, so 127 00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:06.120 that was a few years ago, right, sixty two years ago. 128 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:10.079 What happened that day as I was twelve years old, 129 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:12.680 my father just died from cancer. I had all these 130 00:08:12.759 --> 00:08:16.720 feelings as a twelve year old boy. My father's my 131 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.519 heritage on his side is Jewish, but I was in 132 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:23.639 a German Italian neighborhood and Jews were not popular in 133 00:08:23.639 --> 00:08:26.759 that neighborhood, and so I had all these feelings, but 134 00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:28.439 I didn't want to be who I was. I thought 135 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:30.639 if I was somebody else other than myself, I could 136 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:34.919 be okay. And dealing with the pain of my dad's loss. 137 00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:37.240 I didn't even know how to wrap my head around 138 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:41.399 that because he was important to me, very important, and 139 00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:45.080 so I had all these feelings inside that I was 140 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:50.000 trapped with. I had no idea how to address, a 141 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:52.679 deal with and cope with the reality of my life. 142 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:55.799 There was no one around me doing very good job 143 00:08:55.879 --> 00:08:58.360 of it. You know, my dad was dying for over 144 00:08:58.360 --> 00:09:00.799 a year and we never talked about it. It was 145 00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:03.240 that kind of deal though. So when I took that 146 00:09:03.279 --> 00:09:09.519 first drink, something really amazing happened. I felt free. It 147 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:13.919 created freedom, man. I was okay being Alan Berger. The drink, 148 00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:18.919 the drink, the alcohol changed my consciousness. That made me okay. 149 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:21.279 And I'll tell you, man, I don't know if I 150 00:09:21.320 --> 00:09:23.759 was born an alcoholic, but the minute I took that drink, 151 00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:27.120 and alcoholic was born. And that idea, man, that if 152 00:09:27.279 --> 00:09:30.000 one is good, more is gonna be what better better? 153 00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:33.919 I got it, man, And I was off. I was running. 154 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:37.679 I was sprinting as fast as I could. In alcoholism, 155 00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:40.879 I was a teenage alcoholic. I was blacking out several 156 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:44.159 times a week. I mean, my life was going nowhere, 157 00:09:44.279 --> 00:09:47.759 nowhere at all. So I didn't even realize that I'm 158 00:09:47.799 --> 00:09:50.679 being controlled by all these feelings, these all these ideas 159 00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:52.600 that I've got to be somebody other than I am 160 00:09:52.639 --> 00:09:57.360 to be okay. Well, it's not easy to be somebody 161 00:09:57.399 --> 00:10:00.840 you're not. It's like building a house on somebody else's property. Man, 162 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:02.440 it's just not a good idea. 163 00:10:02.759 --> 00:10:06.279 It's not easy to be somebody you're not. 164 00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:07.200 It's not. 165 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:10.639 And yet I thought if I was, that I could 166 00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:14.399 be okay. I hope our listeners can hear the level 167 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:20.559 of self rejection, of abandonment that occurred within me. 168 00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:23.679 You went right to the point I was thinking when 169 00:10:23.720 --> 00:10:27.080 you started to speak, And what came into mine is 170 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.480 a term we use on this particular platform all the time, 171 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:38.279 and that self avoidance. Yes, so alcoholism assists, Oh yes, right, 172 00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:41.840 so it's it's a conduit for self escapism. Talk to 173 00:10:41.879 --> 00:10:42.399 me about that. 174 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:45.080 Well, that's it. See, So that's where I got freedom. 175 00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:47.919 That's the only time I was free. But of course 176 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:51.039 when I sobered up or when I used I used 177 00:10:51.080 --> 00:10:54.720 drugs other than alcohol, when I got straight, I was 178 00:10:54.759 --> 00:10:57.159 still left with being Alan Berger. You know, it's just 179 00:10:57.240 --> 00:10:59.840 like Charlie Brown. And no matter where Charlie Brown goes, 180 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:05.039 still Charlie Brown. I was still Allen. And when I 181 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:08.200 was fortunate, man, I'm so grateful to this day to 182 00:11:08.279 --> 00:11:10.519 be helped by the United States Marine Corps. I got 183 00:11:10.519 --> 00:11:11.440 my Marine Corps hat on. 184 00:11:11.559 --> 00:11:13.200 You see that, Yes, I see it. 185 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:16.720 I'm sporting my Marine Corps hat today. When I was 186 00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:20.440 helped into recovery by them, that I saw that there 187 00:11:20.519 --> 00:11:24.000 was a possibility of living this life and to be 188 00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:29.840 free without having to drink or get high. That's emotional sobriety. Now, 189 00:11:29.879 --> 00:11:32.600 how you get there, how you start to deal with 190 00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:35.279 that is a big question. And how do we do that? 191 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:40.440 How do we get there? By first scene? How determined 192 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:44.200 we are, that we are the determined ones, that I 193 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:46.919 am not the determining force in my life. All these 194 00:11:46.960 --> 00:11:50.519 other ideas are running a show, and I'm thinking, I've 195 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:52.720 got to live up to these things to be okay. 196 00:11:53.159 --> 00:11:58.240 So when I abandoned myself, I could not do what 197 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:02.279 a healthy person does. You see, a healthy person lives 198 00:12:02.320 --> 00:12:06.000 their life and they try to actualize who they really are. 199 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.039 I dedicated myself to actualize in a concept of who 200 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:15.559 I thought I should be. Mmm mmmm, that's where the 201 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:16.320 problems started. 202 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:22.120 Man, are there other types of sobriety that we need 203 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:26.519 to develop. There's emotional sobriety. You've already done a great job. 204 00:12:26.600 --> 00:12:30.480 Spiritual sobriety, I think is important and it goes hand 205 00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:33.600 in hand I think with emotional sobriety. But obviously if 206 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:36.399 you're in, if you're addicted to alcohol and other drugs, 207 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:39.960 you need physical sobriety first. We see that if you 208 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:42.600 don't break the bonds at that addiction, no matter how 209 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:45.279 much help you get, you're gonna get caught. You're caught. 210 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:49.480 The addiction is holding you hostage. We are taking hostage. 211 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:52.279 There's been so many studies of how the brain changes 212 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:55.840 and when it changes. Man, all that you can think 213 00:12:55.879 --> 00:13:00.000 about you become obsessed with getting high and getting drunk. 214 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.639 So the person has an obsession. They have a physical 215 00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:07.759 compulsion that's got to be broken. Once that's broken, then 216 00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:10.120 you can get on and start doing this other great 217 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:14.159 work on your emotional sobriety, which I see is related 218 00:13:14.159 --> 00:13:15.399 to spiritual sobriety. 219 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:20.159 I love that you mentioned spiritual sobriety. Because the first 220 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:25.039 thing that came to mind was spiritual bypassing. Oh yeah, right. 221 00:13:25.879 --> 00:13:32.320 Oftentimes we will use the verbiage the terminology of spirituality 222 00:13:32.799 --> 00:13:36.080 as a means to escape. It's almost like a spiritual drink, 223 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:39.759 just to get us through the difficult moment. And I 224 00:13:39.799 --> 00:13:43.159 think we're living in a time right now where internal 225 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:47.399 resilience is at an all time low. Yes, so how 226 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:48.679 do we cultivate that? 227 00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:52.159 Yeah, that's that's a good point, man, It's it is 228 00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:56.840 at an all time low. Because see, nobody, nobody helps 229 00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:59.639 us learn how to deal with our feelings. It's an 230 00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:03.200 job training thing. And look, we do the best we can, 231 00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:06.639 but it's never enough. I mean, that's why my work, 232 00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:09.440 the book I wrote on twelve Essential Insights, the book 233 00:14:09.440 --> 00:14:13.200 you've got coming out soon, right, I'm telling you, man, 234 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:17.600 that's that's the kind of that's the information that we 235 00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:23.080 need to start raising our consciousness. And so I'm excited 236 00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:25.879 about this work man. You know, I've been doing it 237 00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:28.679 for a long time and I'm as excited, if not 238 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:31.600 more excited about it today because I see people getting free. 239 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:34.320 When you see somebody get free, man, they're standing on 240 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:36.879 the top of the mountain and they're shouting, I'm free, 241 00:14:36.919 --> 00:14:40.240 free at last, Free at last, Lord Almighty, I am. 242 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:41.120 Free at last. 243 00:14:41.360 --> 00:14:44.440 I understood why he said that, and I see people 244 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.399 in recovery experiencing that same thing. 245 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:52.440 So I was talking all week long to the point 246 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:56.159 that you're making right now. And I've had so many 247 00:14:56.200 --> 00:15:02.840 conversations at my local cigar lounge people listening to the show. Hey, 248 00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:06.000 hold on, Zoe, I don't know. I don't know about this, 249 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:10.919 but when we come forward, I'm going to bring this 250 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:14.080 concept to you because you're talking about freedom. I gotta 251 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:17.519 share this with you when we come forward. More from 252 00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:24.200 the v O R. 253 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:27.440 Good song. 254 00:15:29.799 --> 00:15:33.480 That's right, man, right, you did it. 255 00:15:37.879 --> 00:15:39.519 That's the emotional sobriety theme song. 256 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:39.919 Right there. 257 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:44.399 Hey guys, I'm Heidi Preeb. Welcome back to my channel, 258 00:15:44.600 --> 00:15:47.000 or welcome if this is your first time here today 259 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:49.679 on this channel, we are talking about what I kind 260 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:53.000 of think of as the cardinal error of those who 261 00:15:53.080 --> 00:15:56.279 you're anxious on the attachment spectrum. And when I say 262 00:15:56.519 --> 00:15:59.360 the cardinal error, I don't mean that this is something 263 00:15:59.559 --> 00:16:03.639 you are in intentionally doing to sabotage your relationships. What 264 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:06.559 I mean is that there is this kind of blind 265 00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:10.440 spot this area where your attachment system does one thing 266 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.759 that tends to get you the direct opposite of what 267 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:16.559 you want out of your relationships. So today we're going 268 00:16:16.600 --> 00:16:18.600 to talk about what that is as well as how 269 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:20.440 to work with it when it comes up, so that 270 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:22.360 you end up getting more of what you do want 271 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:24.720 and less of what you don't instead of the opposite 272 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:28.360 in your relationships. So, with no further ado, the cardinal 273 00:16:28.519 --> 00:16:32.159 error of those who fear anxious on the attachment spectrum 274 00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:37.480 tends to be not leaving any room for the possibility 275 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.879 of separation or loss in the relationship. So when you 276 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:45.440 have an anxious attachment system, what your system is hardwired 277 00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:47.720 to do. From the time you are at a very 278 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:51.840 young age, you have learned to seek consistent proximity to 279 00:16:51.919 --> 00:16:53.879 your attachment figure, and when you were young, this was 280 00:16:54.000 --> 00:16:56.559 very adaptive for you. Right when we are young children, 281 00:16:56.600 --> 00:16:59.080 it's good to keep our caregivers close, especially if they 282 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:01.559 are a little bit incistent and the attention that they're 283 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:04.319 able to give us. It is very adaptive for us 284 00:17:04.359 --> 00:17:06.519 to want to make sure that we are always on 285 00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:09.279 their minds, that we always have their attention, that if 286 00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:11.759 we need them for something, they will definitely be there 287 00:17:11.880 --> 00:17:15.799 within a reasonable time frame to respond to us. However, 288 00:17:16.200 --> 00:17:18.799 what often happens when you grow up with an anxious 289 00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:22.400 attachment style is that you don't learn to change those 290 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:25.799 rules when you get into a romantic relationship as an 291 00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:27.759 adult adult romantically, let's. 292 00:17:27.559 --> 00:17:31.160 Get her out of here. I love her, Heidi preb 293 00:17:31.720 --> 00:17:34.240 She cooks with the rarest grease. 294 00:17:35.640 --> 00:17:37.480 She cooks with the rarest grease. 295 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:43.319 But she just described everything we talked about, right. She 296 00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:46.839 talked about the attachment system that you develop when you 297 00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:51.279 have an inconsistent caregiver. Right, and we don't turn that off. 298 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:54.480 Do we become attachment aholics? 299 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:59.519 You know, it's great that she's sharing us, but the 300 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:01.079 problems much bigger though. 301 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:01.880 Talk to me. 302 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:05.319 See, the attachment is to the idea that I'd be 303 00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:11.279 okay if it doesn't just relate to people. Man, I'm okay. 304 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:15.440 If I get that job, I'm okay. If Suzie Velensky 305 00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:17.319 would have liked me in the third grade, I would 306 00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:19.759 have been okay. I'd be okay. If I got that 307 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:21.960 grade on the paper I was hoping i'd get, I'd 308 00:18:21.960 --> 00:18:23.759 be okay. If I had that car I want it, 309 00:18:24.119 --> 00:18:28.079 I'd be okay. If I had people respect me the 310 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:29.480 way I want to be respected. 311 00:18:30.279 --> 00:18:30.559 See. 312 00:18:30.680 --> 00:18:34.359 So what people have done is they focus this attachment 313 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:38.279 styles on a person. But it's not on a person, 314 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:43.559 it's on a consciousness. It's a consciousness that attaches itself 315 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:46.839 to things, and these things have to be a certain 316 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:48.400 way for us to be okay. 317 00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:51.240 I'd be okay if. 318 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:54.519 You got it. Man, that's the problem. And you see, 319 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:59.200 that's where we lose our freedom. If I'm okay, if 320 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:02.839 if that means I am so dependent, we call it 321 00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:05.839 I'm looking for the environment to support me. 322 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:07.799 External. 323 00:19:08.039 --> 00:19:12.079 Yes, it's an external focus. If things go my way, 324 00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:15.640 I'm okay. If things don't go my way, I don't 325 00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:18.559 know what to do. I don't know how to cope 326 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:20.359 with this. I don't know how to deal with it 327 00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:23.119 because I have the idea, if they don't go my way, 328 00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:27.240 there's something wrong. It's supposed to go my way. Life 329 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:29.079 is supposed to be what I want it to be, 330 00:19:29.200 --> 00:19:32.839 if it's going to be okay. So that when you 331 00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:37.359 have that consciousness, you cannot be free. Gosh, you cannot 332 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:40.640 be free. You are attached to everything. And then here's 333 00:19:40.680 --> 00:19:43.960 the other thing. See, there's two forces in our culture 334 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:46.440 and you could wrap on these. I know for a 335 00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:49.480 lot and often need to talk maybe about what that 336 00:19:49.559 --> 00:19:54.960 shows up in different communities. Right, But one is it's 337 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.240 all about me. In our culture, we promote a narcissism. 338 00:19:59.400 --> 00:20:03.680 There's no question we believe in personal importance. There's a 339 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:07.240 great side to that, and there's a very very destructive 340 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:10.680 side to that because it means that when I'm looking 341 00:20:10.759 --> 00:20:14.079 at things, I am looking at what we call a 342 00:20:14.119 --> 00:20:15.319 reflection of me. 343 00:20:16.519 --> 00:20:20.920 Come on, come on, you got twenty seconds, bring it home. 344 00:20:21.400 --> 00:20:23.720 I'm looking at a reflection of me. So I take 345 00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:26.759 it all personally. If you don't do what I want 346 00:20:26.759 --> 00:20:28.519 you to do, it means you don't care about me. 347 00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:30.720 Or if you talk to me a certain way, I 348 00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:34.480 get offended. How dare you don't you know who I am? 349 00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:36.759 Rite that kind of thing? How could you talk to 350 00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:39.079 me that? If you love me, you wouldn't do that. 351 00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:43.480 Listen, the stove is getting hot, ladies and gentlemen, the 352 00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:44.680 grease is bubbling. 353 00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:48.319 We about to drop this fish in Listen when we 354 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:53.759 come forward more from the VEO R. The fire's just 355 00:20:53.799 --> 00:20:54.519 getting lit. 356 00:20:55.319 --> 00:20:58.599 I'm Ross Rosenberg. Welcome to my latest YouTube video and podcast. 357 00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:01.279 Today I'm going to step backward just a little bit. 358 00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:04.319 We're going to talk about the term self love deficit disorder. 359 00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:07.680 Why eight years ago did I make that term so 360 00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:11.000 important to the world, to my life, to me? Why 361 00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:14.720 was I so convinced that the word codependency, the term, 362 00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:17.519 the understanding of it, the treatment of it. Why was 363 00:21:17.559 --> 00:21:20.200 I so convinced that we had to replace it with 364 00:21:20.279 --> 00:21:23.119 another term? Well, this is what this video or podcast 365 00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:24.640 is going to be about. I want to go all 366 00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:27.559 the way back my psychotherapy origin. I started in the 367 00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:31.839 psychotherapy field nineteen eighty eight, almost thirty seven years ago. 368 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:34.480 My first job required me to do a little bit 369 00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:38.960 of anything and everything without quite knowing what I was doing. Unfortunately, 370 00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:41.799 that's the plight of many new psychotherapists we learn on 371 00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:44.119 the job. Little did I know I was going to 372 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:48.319 be working with codependents. I didn't really know what codependency was. 373 00:21:48.720 --> 00:21:51.200 But I started to notice a pattern with some of 374 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:54.319 my clients. They were beaten down, they were weakened, they 375 00:21:54.359 --> 00:21:57.880 were sad, they were lonely and complained about a partner 376 00:21:58.119 --> 00:22:03.240 who completely controlled Riddy, killed them, manipulated them. Over time, 377 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:05.400 it was clear to me a certain type of person 378 00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:08.119 was in a relationship with another certain type of person 379 00:22:08.119 --> 00:22:11.519 if they were codependent as I understood back then, which 380 00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:14.680 was a term that was popularized by Melody Beattie's book 381 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:17.759 Codependent No More, published in nineteen eighty six. That book 382 00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:21.759 was a blockbuster. It was the first book to talk 383 00:22:21.759 --> 00:22:25.960 about codependency or what some people call codependence. Before it, 384 00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:30.119 there wasn't anything out there that quite said exactly what 385 00:22:30.200 --> 00:22:34.480 this codependence or codependency thing is. And she borrowed all 386 00:22:34.559 --> 00:22:37.160 of her knowledge from all the people that preceded her, 387 00:22:37.519 --> 00:22:40.640 mainly people in the twelve step treatment industry, the mental 388 00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:43.880 health industry. There wasn't really a lot of information out 389 00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.200 there on this codependency thing, but it was all I 390 00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:49.240 had to work with. I started going to workshops. I 391 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:52.839 remember being profoundly impacted by the work of Terry Kellogg, 392 00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:56.640 John Frile, among others. So it became clear that codependents 393 00:22:56.680 --> 00:23:00.799 were people that were passive, compliant. They took care of 394 00:23:00.839 --> 00:23:04.839 other people. They always fell victim to a certain type 395 00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:07.960 of person that could manipulate them, get into their head, 396 00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:12.440 keep them from leaving, convince them that they are loved, 397 00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:15.759 convince them that they love them. So began my career 398 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:18.759 working with codependence, and I worked with them off and 399 00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:21.640 on for the next fifteen years. But over time I 400 00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:25.680 became more and more frustrated with the term codependency, co dependent, 401 00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:29.559