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Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, this is not abuse

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no More. With your host, doctor and evangelist Kyo Rich,

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help you to admit what you feel that order to

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heal from.

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Speaker 2: The effect most narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.

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Speaker 3: How y'all doing today on this lovely Wednesday morning, Hey, this.

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Speaker 2: Is narth abuse no More.

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Speaker 3: With your host, doctor and evangelist Ko Rich, We're helping

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you to admit what you feel in order to heal

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from the effects of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.

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Speaker 2: Yes they do.

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Speaker 4: Well.

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Speaker 3: Just to let you know, we are on every Monday, Wednesday,

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and Friday at ten am Eastern Standard time, nine am Central.

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I had to record a little later on Monday because

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I had some things that I had to do. But anyway, Mondays,

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Wednesdays and Fridays at ten am Eastern Standard time, non

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am Central. And you can go to our website at

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www dot nark Abuse No More dot net and we're

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gonna be adding some more things on.

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Speaker 2: To that particular page.

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Speaker 3: We got some things that I'm gonna be doing for

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as zoom counseling and other things that's gonna be coming

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up on that website. So uh, just stay tuned with that.

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All right, So what are we talking about today. We

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are talking about codependency and in narcissistic relationships. Signs of

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codependency in narcissistic relationships.

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Speaker 2: Now you might.

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Speaker 3: Ask, well, what is a codependent, Well, a codependent it

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is someone that is in this narcissistic relationship. It is

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in this uh uh, this unholy dance if you might

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as well say this unholy uh, this unholy alliance with

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the narcissists. And basically, you have one person, one person

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that enables the narcissists by sacrificing their own needs, their boundaries,

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their sense of self worth. You're catering to the narcissists

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every demand, uh excessive needs for their validation. You're walking

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on eggshells. So we're gonna go into different signs of

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codependency when you are dealing with a narcissist, because oftentimes

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you will have one person that's the narcissist. The other

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person may be a codependent, and sometimes you have where

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it's a person that's a narcissist and a codependent. All right,

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but we're gonna we're gonna talk about that today so

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that you will be able to recognize those signs of

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if you are a co dependent in that relationship.

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Speaker 2: So number one.

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Speaker 3: The core signs of codependency and narcissistic relationships is you're

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the people pleaser.

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Speaker 2: You're neglecting your own needs.

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Speaker 3: For the for that of the narcissists. Now this is

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different for us. Like if you got little children and

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you put yourself on a back burner or whatever, that's

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normal when it comes to just no parenting.

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Speaker 2: However, when you're.

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Speaker 3: Dealing with an abusive, toxic relationship, you're always neglecting your needs.

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So codependence, they tend to prioritize the needs of the

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other person. So you have formed this toxic relationship, this

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magnetic relationship that reinforces basically a toxic bond with this person.

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And you may not have even noticed it, but you're

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always prioritizing that person's needs, that person's feelings, that person's

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happiness over your own. And this is not to say

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that we're to be selfish people, no, but when you're

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always prioritizing someone else's needs over your own, that might

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be something that is unhealthy. And that relationship, because of

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a healthy relationship is both people are trying to make

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that relationship work, not just one person always trying to

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adhere to the needs of the other person. Also, when

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you're dealing with happiness, narcissists will make you feel like

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you're the sole reason whether they're they're happy or not,

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you're the reason why they are unhappy. So basically, the

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narcissists will make you feel that it's your fault. If

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they're not happy, it's your fault. If they didn't do

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things in life, it's your fault. If things don't go

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right with them, everything is your fault. So then you're

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trying to jump over hoops and bounds to try to

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make sure that you appease this person when it's impossible.

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Speaker 2: Number two, you.

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Speaker 3: Tend to walk on eggshells, and so you you're basically

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have been programmed that I cannot say no, and therefore

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you don't have your your your walking on egg shells

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to prioritize the other persons again, that other person needs,

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whether they're having.

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Speaker 2: Mood swings or so.

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Speaker 3: You're trying to avoid conflict, You're trying to avoid abandonment,

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You're trying to avoid their outbursts. You know that, oh,

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I can't talk on this subject, or they're gonna totally

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flow throughof or I can't tell them that they're wrong,

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or they're gonna get mad and angry at me, and

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then it's gonna.

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Speaker 2: Be an argument and then.

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Speaker 3: A shouting match. Oh I can't address issues in this relationship. Oh,

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this person's gonna be offended. Then they're gonna be mad.

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If you're in a relationship where you're constantly having to

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walk on egg shells, that means that you're in a

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toxic relationship.

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Speaker 2: You're in a relationship that where a.

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Speaker 3: Person is always thinking about themselves that narcissists, but they're

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never thinking about you and your neees and your feelings.

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And so therefore you're always trying to anticipate when it's

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a good time to say anything with regards to the narcissists,

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because you never know what kind of bag that they're

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gonna come out of on any given day.

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Speaker 2: Number three, you lack boundaries. You lack boundaries.

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Speaker 3: Again, you have the inability to say no, so you

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wind up over extending yourself. The narcissists has so much

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control and dominance over you, and they violate your space

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because there are no boundaries. And when you try to

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set boundaries, of course, the narcissists does not like boundaries,

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all right, So therefore you have given them open space

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to anything in your life, and you have not set

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the proper boundaries. Whether we talk about whether we mean

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by setting boundaries that means that, No, you're not gonna

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talk to me a certain way. No, if you're ready

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to argue, then we're gonna end this conversation. No, you

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cannot just drop by my house if you when you

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feel like it.

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Speaker 2: No, No, you have to set boundaries. Okay, boundaries.

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Speaker 3: And if you don't set boundaries, then people will walk

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all over you. You become their welcome man. Okay, well

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just walk on in and I have no boundaries. It's

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free for all, and that's the way.

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Speaker 2: The narcissists will treat you.

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Speaker 3: So if you have any of these, you might be

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a codependent. We're gonna take a quick break and we'll

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be back in just a moment.

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Speaker 5: We didn't start with, didn't get a straight line. Some

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prayers were in so late, some nights we had to separate.

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We had moments we could have quit times. It hurt

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more than we admit.

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Speaker 6: With something deeper held is close and love her fragile

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face tags every storm and feel the truth, and every

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tear shows well even perfect.

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Speaker 5: We were weird and God kept seeing.

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Speaker 7: Only this is where.

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Speaker 5: Still standing within and mad. It moves and it wasn't fret.

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Speaker 8: And quit and felt so close.

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Speaker 4: This is.

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Speaker 8: We find by fire and not destroyed. We'll try to

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breaks made a spad.

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Speaker 5: This is love to enjoy. We learned how to fight

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on our knees.

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Speaker 8: Now we were was a cutoudi which shows greats from

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prist shoulder, shows forgiving the soul of being ride. There

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was reasons we did in sweet but Heaven heard us quietly,

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and every time we reached for God, he pulled us back.

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Speaker 2: Where we belong home.

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Speaker 5: We did an end by pool strength.

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Speaker 8: We won by letting Himley Dove grew stronger in the way,

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and when we trusted all we could have seen this love.

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Speaker 7: Still here.

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Speaker 9: After all the.

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Speaker 5: Travel titius w was fading and.

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Speaker 8: Fate had to last to problem.

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Speaker 5: This is her.

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Speaker 8: Not feel, don't feel it's fake, but don't promisees. We

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kept God when he Moses walked away. Not every chapter

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fell like love, so fell.

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Speaker 9: Like a joys for the vows we whispered in the dark,

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felt something there could.

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Speaker 8: We didn't survive the pressure down the delay. You what

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God joined in the struggle, won't be shaken to take.

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Speaker 5: This is what the asthetist, and I'm not ashamed to

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say we didn't do the son. God carried us this way.

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This is what the pass.

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Speaker 9: And I still chooses great, so improve better, love great,

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so faith refuses the bray. Hey yeah, so don't sparkle

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lead first side. They shin because they survived.

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Speaker 7: This loving past the test.

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Speaker 3: All right, So we're still talking about co dependency and

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knowing if you are co dependent from the signs of

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codependency in a narcissistic relationship. I want to just give

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you a verse that I believe that will help you

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if you are a co dependent. In Proverbs chapter three,

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verses five through six, it says, trust on the Lord

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with all your heart, and lean not on your own

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understanding and all your ways, submit to him, and he

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would make your path straight. And other versions it says,

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and he would direct your path. You know we you

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don't want to lean on a narcissist because a narcissist

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is unreliable.

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Speaker 2: A narcissist will have you.

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Speaker 3: Jumping hoops and bounds to please them or depend on them.

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When only they are there to take the rug from

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underneath you. So I want to go into this next

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one enabling and rescuing. So if you are a cold dependent,

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you will sometimes cover up the narcissist mistakes or make

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excuses for their poor behavior, or you even try to

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fix them. Let me just say this, you can't fix

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a narcissist. You can't fix an abuser. They have the

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number one, recognize that they need help. Number two, they

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have to go and get the help themselves. Okay, they

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have to be willing to say, you know what, I

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see that there are some things that I need help

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working on, and therefore I need to go to someone

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to help me figure this out.

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Speaker 2: And you can't do that for them.

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Speaker 3: You can drag them into accouncil a session, but if

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they're not willing to do the work, if they first

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have an acknowledge that there's something that they need to

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work on themselves about and then they're not willing to

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do the work, then even then you can't. There's nothing

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you can do. You can only work on you. So therefore,

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if you're trying to cover up or make excuses, because

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a lot of times, you know, people say, oh, well,

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they had a hard life, and oh they went through

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this and that. Okay, but that does not give them

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the excuse to abuse you. If they've gone through things, okay,

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that's out of their control. However, what is in their

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control is how they how they react or should I say, yeah,

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react to others. So therefore they can get help in

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order to work through those maybe childhood issues or whatever

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they've gone through.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 3: That means that they need to go to counseling and

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get the help that they need in order to be

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able to be the best person that they can be,

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so that they will not damage anyone else. As that

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saying goes hurt people, hurt people. That means that if

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you don't seek the help that you need because you've

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been wounded, then you will tend to wound other people.

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And then we have a society full of victims.

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Speaker 5: And.

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Speaker 3: That's not a good thing. Another thing, if you are

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a codependent, you may deal with low self esteem. You

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may self blame, so you feel responsible for the narcissists emotions.

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You're blaming yourself. You feel you have feelings unworthiness. You

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allow the narcissists even to blame you know, the narcissists

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will never take responsibility for their own actions. We say

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this a lot on here. They do not take responsibility

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for their own actions, so they're looking to blame somebody

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for whatever is going wrong in their life. You will

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always be the blame in a narcissist book. You are

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not the blame for their emotions. They have to control

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their own emotions, and if they don't know how to

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do that, they need to seek help for that. But

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it's not your fault for whatever type of emotion they're

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having on any given day. And neither should you have

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to be the value, demean and belittled just because of

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their unstable emotions. You know, the Bible says in the

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Book of James, the double minded man is unstable in

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all his ways. And so therefore, when you're dealing with

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this rollercoaster of abuse, use is always gonna come back

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around in cycles until somebody jump off and somebody gets help.

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And oftentimes the victim or the recipient of the abuse

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has to be the one to jump off, because the

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one that's normally the abuser is not gonna admit to it.

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You have to look out for you. That means that

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if you're dealing with low self esteem. This person has

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made you feel like you're worthless, you never amounting anything.

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No one loves you you they're the only ones that will.

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Speaker 2: Put up with you. That's a bunch of stuff.

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Speaker 3: But only you will be able to change that by

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getting the proper help that you need to see you

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know what I deserve better, because sometimes we have a

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hard time saying, you know what I deserve better. I

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don't have to be somebody's punching bag. Is physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually,

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whatever you deserve better. Another thing, if you are dealing

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with codependency, you might have a fear of abandonment.

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Speaker 2: So therefore you.

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Speaker 3: Will stay in this relationship despite the abuse because you

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fear being unloved, You fear being alone.

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Speaker 2: But let me just say this.

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Speaker 3: You could be with somebody and still alone because you're

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in this relationship that should be a relationship all by yourself.

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You can be in a relationship and still be unloved

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because that person.

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Speaker 2: Don't know how to love you.

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Speaker 3: And then you're not allowing yourself to love yourself. And

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I'm not talking about it in a narcissistic sense. I'm

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talking about you're not allowing yourself to love yourself because

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you're allowing that person to mistreat you.

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Speaker 5: You.

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Speaker 2: We teach people.

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Speaker 3: How to treat us by what we allow them to

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do to us. Therefore, having a fear of abandonment may

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cause you to stay in a relationship that is toxic

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and unhealthy. And the thing is when you stay in it,

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that person oftentimes may not see that there is a

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need to change because they feel like, oh, well, they're here,

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so why should I change? Don't There's no incentive for

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me to change because the person is still here. The

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person will not go anywhere. The person is gonna allow

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me to keep doing the things that I'm doing, So hey,

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why do I need to change? I want to give

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you all for those who may be in an abusive relationship.

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The National Domestic Violence Hotline and their website is www

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dot Thehotline dot or www dot hotline dot org. You

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can call one eight hundred seven ninety ninety safe. That's

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one eight hundred seven ninety nine seven two three three.

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You can also text start the word start as T

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A R T to eight eight seven eight eight. Again,

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you could text the word start to eight eight seven

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eight eight. And they also have AI chat as well.

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So if you're needing some help. And the thing is,

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if you're in a relationship where you're being abused and

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you want to get out of that relationship, make.

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Speaker 2: Sure to do so as safely as possible.

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Speaker 3: Talk to someone that you can't trust, you start making preparations.

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Speaker 2: We're gonna talk about that, how to go.

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Speaker 3: About leaving a toxic or a toxic abuse relationship as

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safely as possible. I'm talking about literally leaving if you're in,

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if you're living with that person, and you're trying to

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actually leave that person, then what steps can you take

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to be as safe as possible. And one of those things,

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too is even talking to the police, getting them involved,

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and making sure that you talk to loved ones that

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are there for you and that will help you in

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that process. We're going to take another quick break and

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we'll be back in just a moment.

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Speaker 5: I was walking rooms.

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Speaker 4: I choose asking God the sons of clues, every prayer

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like it hit the suit.

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Speaker 5: Still, I can't believe.

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Speaker 4: I was tired of it turn and I was strong,

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smiling through the quiet when things fell wrong.

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Speaker 8: Didn't know the answer to my question, but I trusted her.

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I didn't see her faith in my friends didn't know

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your mack. Back then the girl was working in the sides.

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Speaker 2: Even when I couldn't tell.

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Speaker 4: Faith is house.

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Speaker 9: Found when I had nothing left but her home.

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Speaker 4: When my heart was.

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Speaker 5: And love felt too far to home.

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Speaker 4: Faith is I found, not chance, not perfect.

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Speaker 8: Time just got more and teciously, Uh nice start fired.

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Speaker 5: I was learning how to read on him, how.

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Speaker 8: To let it go and start again. I thought love

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was something I had it, but it was being built

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in this. Every tea became a testimony. Every day he

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was shaping me. So when you finally tad Lin and

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I understood the place, I didn't cheese, I.

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Speaker 9: Didn't rushed and led proudly away.

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Speaker 4: And somehow, in its perfect time, you.

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Speaker 9: Were already all your way.

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Speaker 2: Faith is outpiud.

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Speaker 9: When I had heard delivered for trust, when my prayers.

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Speaker 5: Were whispered Lord in my knees were me in the dust.

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Speaker 9: Then it's hard poud.

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Speaker 8: You Lord nildk wincident, the surprisees gy care.

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Speaker 5: Quality were nice, stay will beating.

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Speaker 9: I learned a lot by wayed.

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Speaker 2: I learned your work through prayer.

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Speaker 9: If I had met you any son, I wouldn't been

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for a time. So thank you God for heavy awful.

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Speaker 8: Every toy you called behind because the hord led me

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to you shape your DEARSI.

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Speaker 4: Faith is holified. Faith is all stand with God between

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ours and do fugu ayns. Faith is holifound, and Donna.

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Speaker 6: Will forget the truth that didn't I love.

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Speaker 8: On my I found God.

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Speaker 7: And God let me. Faith is how I found you.

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All right, So we're we're we're.

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Speaker 3: We've been talking about codependency in a narcissistic relationship and

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the signs of it. And one another sign of codependency

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is identity crisis, identity enmeshment. That means when you lose

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your sense of self, you lose interest in the things

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that you used to have a passion about. Everything or

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the hobbies or even friends revolve around the narcissist life.

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Speaker 2: So you lose who you are and it's.

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Speaker 3: Everything, everything is about the narcissists. Now, when when you

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marry someone, you all are joined joined together. Okay, so

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you're joined together, So that that is different than someone

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that's telling you that you cannot you cannot have any

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friends of your own, you can't have anything that you

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love to do of your own. It always has to

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be about the narcissists. So, for example, you may have

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friends that you came into the relationship with or friends

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that you might have you may have made new relationships

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when you got into married or got into the relationship

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with someone, but they can't stand for you to have

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any anything outside of them because they want that power,

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they want that control. So you feel like I can't

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have outside friends, or I can't have my sense of identity,

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I can't do things that I used to love to

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do because everything is around or evolving around this narcissist.

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That is something that you definitely want to rediscover yourself,

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you know, for us, knowing what it is that you

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want in life, what it is that you want in

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a relationship, and these are things that you need to

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very much, you would take into consideration. You know, when

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you're dealing with abuse, any type of toxic relationship, excuse me,

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you deal with you know, what we talk about for

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00:28:02,279 --> 00:28:06,920
is love bombing and the idealization. So the narcissists place

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is the codependent on this pedalstal and in the beginning

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of the relationship, everything is beautiful, everything is loving, everything

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is smooth, everything is happy, and you're in this love

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bombing stage. But then when you get into this relationship

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with the narcissists, then you're dealing with the devaluation and

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the manipulation. And so therefore the devaluation and the manipulation

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comes with the narcissists checking. The narcissists changing gears. So

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instead of them loving you and doing all the things

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they did in the beginning of the relationship, they start criticizing.

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Speaker 2: They start belittling you, They.

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Speaker 3: Start making you feel like you have to gain their approval,

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you have to work for their love. They start gas

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lighting you, making you doubt your reality, and so it's

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changes from the love bombing and idealization to the devaluation

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and manipulation. Then you go into this intermittent reinforcement where

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the narcissist sporadically provides affection.

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Speaker 4: Uh.

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Speaker 3: So, therefore you're you're, you're wanting to still receive those

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00:29:11,519 --> 00:29:14,759
things that you were getting in the beginning of the relationship,

402
00:29:15,079 --> 00:29:19,960
but the narcissists, UH, purposely withhold those.

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Speaker 7: Things from you.

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00:29:21,839 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 3: Okay, so you you you're, you're you're now trying to

405
00:29:26,119 --> 00:29:29,759
work to receive those things once again, but the narcissists

406
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,119
will not give it to you or even or either

407
00:29:33,279 --> 00:29:36,960
give it to you at the time that they choose.

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Speaker 2: You know your side, your your your self work.

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Speaker 3: Should never be tied to another person's approval, whether they

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00:29:46,119 --> 00:29:48,759
like you, whether they don't. You know, narcissists have a

411
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way of manipulating you to make you feel like unless

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and they approve, then it's no good. But your self

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esteem should be based upon what you feel. Oh and furthermore,

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00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,400
what God has already said about you. You are fearfully

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and wonderfully made, and you have to know that full well.

416
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Your self worth should never be tied to a person's

417
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validation of you, because they will criticize you. They will

418
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make you feel inadequate, they will love bomb you, they

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will make you feel as if it all centers around them.

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And if they don't approve, if they don't like it,

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or whatever case may be, then they will make you

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feel worthy unworthy. So then you start questioning yourself, You

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start doubting yourself, and that's not a way to live.

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Speaker 7: Again.

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Speaker 3: You don't want to lose your sense of self.

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Speaker 2: You don't.

427
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Speaker 3: You don't want to lose who God created you to be,

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00:30:55,519 --> 00:30:58,559
and therefore do not. You don't want to have an

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unhealthy fixed station on the narcissists. You want to focus

430
00:31:05,559 --> 00:31:09,720
and should focus on what it is that God has

431
00:31:09,799 --> 00:31:15,640
put you down here to achieve. And sometimes everyone that

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00:31:16,359 --> 00:31:19,400
is in your circle should not be. And when you

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00:31:19,519 --> 00:31:24,519
are dealing with someone that is toxic, that is definitely

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a person that does not need to be in your circle. Now,

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00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,720
the thing is, you know, can people change? Of course,

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00:31:35,119 --> 00:31:38,759
they can change if they want to, and I always

437
00:31:38,799 --> 00:31:43,640
say if they allow God to change them. But apart

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00:31:43,759 --> 00:31:48,519
from that, apart from that, no, they don't normally change

439
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,480
because they operate in pride. But it's not to say

440
00:31:51,519 --> 00:32:00,519
that they couldn't change or they can't. You are important

441
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:08,359
to God and then when you know that, then you

442
00:32:08,519 --> 00:32:13,440
also need to make yourself a priority. This is not

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saying that I need to be selfish. This is saying

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that I have to take care of me. Give yourself

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00:32:22,079 --> 00:32:26,400
that self care. And part of giving your self care

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is making sure that no one abuses you. That part

447
00:32:36,559 --> 00:32:39,200
is where you can control to say, you know what,

448
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if a person can't value me, if a person can't

449
00:32:43,359 --> 00:32:48,079
love me, if a person can't respect me, then they

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don't need me. And that's how you can move from codependency.

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Speaker 7: To being in the.

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Speaker 2: All right we are a body here. I prayy today's

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podcast has been a blessing to you and that you

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will know your feelings do matter.

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Speaker 1: This is doctor kl Rich would not confuse no more

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until next time.