Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, this is not abuse
no More. With your host, doctor and evangelist Kyo Rich,
help you to admit what you feel that order to
heal from.
Speaker 2: The effect most narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.
Speaker 3: How y'all doing today on this lovely Wednesday morning, Hey, this.
Speaker 2: Is narth abuse no More.
Speaker 3: With your host, doctor and evangelist Ko Rich, We're helping
you to admit what you feel in order to heal
from the effects of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.
Speaker 2: Yes they do.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 3: Just to let you know, we are on every Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday at ten am Eastern Standard time, nine am Central.
I had to record a little later on Monday because
I had some things that I had to do. But anyway, Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays at ten am Eastern Standard time, non
am Central. And you can go to our website at
www dot nark Abuse No More dot net and we're
gonna be adding some more things on.
Speaker 2: To that particular page.
Speaker 3: We got some things that I'm gonna be doing for
as zoom counseling and other things that's gonna be coming
up on that website. So uh, just stay tuned with that.
All right, So what are we talking about today. We
are talking about codependency and in narcissistic relationships. Signs of
codependency in narcissistic relationships.
Speaker 2: Now you might.
Speaker 3: Ask, well, what is a codependent, Well, a codependent it
is someone that is in this narcissistic relationship. It is
in this uh uh, this unholy dance if you might
as well say this unholy uh, this unholy alliance with
the narcissists. And basically, you have one person, one person
that enables the narcissists by sacrificing their own needs, their boundaries,
their sense of self worth. You're catering to the narcissists
every demand, uh excessive needs for their validation. You're walking
on eggshells. So we're gonna go into different signs of
codependency when you are dealing with a narcissist, because oftentimes
you will have one person that's the narcissist. The other
person may be a codependent, and sometimes you have where
it's a person that's a narcissist and a codependent. All right,
but we're gonna we're gonna talk about that today so
that you will be able to recognize those signs of
if you are a co dependent in that relationship.
Speaker 2: So number one.
Speaker 3: The core signs of codependency and narcissistic relationships is you're
the people pleaser.
Speaker 2: You're neglecting your own needs.
Speaker 3: For the for that of the narcissists. Now this is
different for us. Like if you got little children and
you put yourself on a back burner or whatever, that's
normal when it comes to just no parenting.
Speaker 2: However, when you're.
Speaker 3: Dealing with an abusive, toxic relationship, you're always neglecting your needs.
So codependence, they tend to prioritize the needs of the
other person. So you have formed this toxic relationship, this
magnetic relationship that reinforces basically a toxic bond with this person.
And you may not have even noticed it, but you're
always prioritizing that person's needs, that person's feelings, that person's
happiness over your own. And this is not to say
that we're to be selfish people, no, but when you're
always prioritizing someone else's needs over your own, that might
be something that is unhealthy. And that relationship, because of
a healthy relationship is both people are trying to make
that relationship work, not just one person always trying to
adhere to the needs of the other person. Also, when
you're dealing with happiness, narcissists will make you feel like
you're the sole reason whether they're they're happy or not,
you're the reason why they are unhappy. So basically, the
narcissists will make you feel that it's your fault. If
they're not happy, it's your fault. If they didn't do
things in life, it's your fault. If things don't go
right with them, everything is your fault. So then you're
trying to jump over hoops and bounds to try to
make sure that you appease this person when it's impossible.
Speaker 2: Number two, you.
Speaker 3: Tend to walk on eggshells, and so you you're basically
have been programmed that I cannot say no, and therefore
you don't have your your your walking on egg shells
to prioritize the other persons again, that other person needs,
whether they're having.
Speaker 2: Mood swings or so.
Speaker 3: You're trying to avoid conflict, You're trying to avoid abandonment,
You're trying to avoid their outbursts. You know that, oh,
I can't talk on this subject, or they're gonna totally
flow throughof or I can't tell them that they're wrong,
or they're gonna get mad and angry at me, and
then it's gonna.
Speaker 2: Be an argument and then.
Speaker 3: A shouting match. Oh I can't address issues in this relationship. Oh,
this person's gonna be offended. Then they're gonna be mad.
If you're in a relationship where you're constantly having to
walk on egg shells, that means that you're in a
toxic relationship.
Speaker 2: You're in a relationship that where a.
Speaker 3: Person is always thinking about themselves that narcissists, but they're
never thinking about you and your neees and your feelings.
And so therefore you're always trying to anticipate when it's
a good time to say anything with regards to the narcissists,
because you never know what kind of bag that they're
gonna come out of on any given day.
Speaker 2: Number three, you lack boundaries. You lack boundaries.
Speaker 3: Again, you have the inability to say no, so you
wind up over extending yourself. The narcissists has so much
control and dominance over you, and they violate your space
because there are no boundaries. And when you try to
set boundaries, of course, the narcissists does not like boundaries,
all right, So therefore you have given them open space
to anything in your life, and you have not set
the proper boundaries. Whether we talk about whether we mean
by setting boundaries that means that, No, you're not gonna
talk to me a certain way. No, if you're ready
to argue, then we're gonna end this conversation. No, you
cannot just drop by my house if you when you
feel like it.
Speaker 2: No, No, you have to set boundaries. Okay, boundaries.
Speaker 3: And if you don't set boundaries, then people will walk
all over you. You become their welcome man. Okay, well
just walk on in and I have no boundaries. It's
free for all, and that's the way.
Speaker 2: The narcissists will treat you.
Speaker 3: So if you have any of these, you might be
a codependent. We're gonna take a quick break and we'll
be back in just a moment.
Speaker 5: We didn't start with, didn't get a straight line. Some
prayers were in so late, some nights we had to separate.
We had moments we could have quit times. It hurt
more than we admit.
Speaker 6: With something deeper held is close and love her fragile
face tags every storm and feel the truth, and every
tear shows well even perfect.
Speaker 5: We were weird and God kept seeing.
Speaker 7: Only this is where.
Speaker 5: Still standing within and mad. It moves and it wasn't fret.
Speaker 8: And quit and felt so close.
Speaker 4: This is.
Speaker 8: We find by fire and not destroyed. We'll try to
breaks made a spad.
Speaker 5: This is love to enjoy. We learned how to fight
on our knees.
Speaker 8: Now we were was a cutoudi which shows greats from
prist shoulder, shows forgiving the soul of being ride. There
was reasons we did in sweet but Heaven heard us quietly,
and every time we reached for God, he pulled us back.
Speaker 2: Where we belong home.
Speaker 5: We did an end by pool strength.
Speaker 8: We won by letting Himley Dove grew stronger in the way,
and when we trusted all we could have seen this love.
Speaker 7: Still here.
Speaker 9: After all the.
Speaker 5: Travel titius w was fading and.
Speaker 8: Fate had to last to problem.
Speaker 5: This is her.
Speaker 8: Not feel, don't feel it's fake, but don't promisees. We
kept God when he Moses walked away. Not every chapter
fell like love, so fell.
Speaker 9: Like a joys for the vows we whispered in the dark,
felt something there could.
Speaker 8: We didn't survive the pressure down the delay. You what
God joined in the struggle, won't be shaken to take.
Speaker 5: This is what the asthetist, and I'm not ashamed to
say we didn't do the son. God carried us this way.
This is what the pass.
Speaker 9: And I still chooses great, so improve better, love great,
so faith refuses the bray. Hey yeah, so don't sparkle
lead first side. They shin because they survived.
Speaker 7: This loving past the test.
Speaker 3: All right, So we're still talking about co dependency and
knowing if you are co dependent from the signs of
codependency in a narcissistic relationship. I want to just give
you a verse that I believe that will help you
if you are a co dependent. In Proverbs chapter three,
verses five through six, it says, trust on the Lord
with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding and all your ways, submit to him, and he
would make your path straight. And other versions it says,
and he would direct your path. You know we you
don't want to lean on a narcissist because a narcissist
is unreliable.
Speaker 2: A narcissist will have you.
Speaker 3: Jumping hoops and bounds to please them or depend on them.
When only they are there to take the rug from
underneath you. So I want to go into this next
one enabling and rescuing. So if you are a cold dependent,
you will sometimes cover up the narcissist mistakes or make
excuses for their poor behavior, or you even try to
fix them. Let me just say this, you can't fix
a narcissist. You can't fix an abuser. They have the
number one, recognize that they need help. Number two, they
have to go and get the help themselves. Okay, they
have to be willing to say, you know what, I
see that there are some things that I need help
working on, and therefore I need to go to someone
to help me figure this out.
Speaker 2: And you can't do that for them.
Speaker 3: You can drag them into accouncil a session, but if
they're not willing to do the work, if they first
have an acknowledge that there's something that they need to
work on themselves about and then they're not willing to
do the work, then even then you can't. There's nothing
you can do. You can only work on you. So therefore,
if you're trying to cover up or make excuses, because
a lot of times, you know, people say, oh, well,
they had a hard life, and oh they went through
this and that. Okay, but that does not give them
the excuse to abuse you. If they've gone through things, okay,
that's out of their control. However, what is in their
control is how they how they react or should I say, yeah,
react to others. So therefore they can get help in
order to work through those maybe childhood issues or whatever
they've gone through.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: That means that they need to go to counseling and
get the help that they need in order to be
able to be the best person that they can be,
so that they will not damage anyone else. As that
saying goes hurt people, hurt people. That means that if
you don't seek the help that you need because you've
been wounded, then you will tend to wound other people.
And then we have a society full of victims.
Speaker 5: And.
Speaker 3: That's not a good thing. Another thing, if you are
a codependent, you may deal with low self esteem. You
may self blame, so you feel responsible for the narcissists emotions.
You're blaming yourself. You feel you have feelings unworthiness. You
allow the narcissists even to blame you know, the narcissists
will never take responsibility for their own actions. We say
this a lot on here. They do not take responsibility
for their own actions, so they're looking to blame somebody
for whatever is going wrong in their life. You will
always be the blame in a narcissist book. You are
not the blame for their emotions. They have to control
their own emotions, and if they don't know how to
do that, they need to seek help for that. But
it's not your fault for whatever type of emotion they're
having on any given day. And neither should you have
to be the value, demean and belittled just because of
their unstable emotions. You know, the Bible says in the
Book of James, the double minded man is unstable in
all his ways. And so therefore, when you're dealing with
this rollercoaster of abuse, use is always gonna come back
around in cycles until somebody jump off and somebody gets help.
And oftentimes the victim or the recipient of the abuse
has to be the one to jump off, because the
one that's normally the abuser is not gonna admit to it.
You have to look out for you. That means that
if you're dealing with low self esteem. This person has
made you feel like you're worthless, you never amounting anything.
No one loves you you they're the only ones that will.
Speaker 2: Put up with you. That's a bunch of stuff.
Speaker 3: But only you will be able to change that by
getting the proper help that you need to see you
know what I deserve better, because sometimes we have a
hard time saying, you know what I deserve better. I
don't have to be somebody's punching bag. Is physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually,
whatever you deserve better. Another thing, if you are dealing
with codependency, you might have a fear of abandonment.
Speaker 2: So therefore you.
Speaker 3: Will stay in this relationship despite the abuse because you
fear being unloved, You fear being alone.
Speaker 2: But let me just say this.
Speaker 3: You could be with somebody and still alone because you're
in this relationship that should be a relationship all by yourself.
You can be in a relationship and still be unloved
because that person.
Speaker 2: Don't know how to love you.
Speaker 3: And then you're not allowing yourself to love yourself. And
I'm not talking about it in a narcissistic sense. I'm
talking about you're not allowing yourself to love yourself because
you're allowing that person to mistreat you.
Speaker 5: You.
Speaker 2: We teach people.
Speaker 3: How to treat us by what we allow them to
do to us. Therefore, having a fear of abandonment may
cause you to stay in a relationship that is toxic
and unhealthy. And the thing is when you stay in it,
that person oftentimes may not see that there is a
need to change because they feel like, oh, well, they're here,
so why should I change? Don't There's no incentive for
me to change because the person is still here. The
person will not go anywhere. The person is gonna allow
me to keep doing the things that I'm doing, So hey,
why do I need to change? I want to give
you all for those who may be in an abusive relationship.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline and their website is www
dot Thehotline dot or www dot hotline dot org. You
can call one eight hundred seven ninety ninety safe. That's
one eight hundred seven ninety nine seven two three three.
You can also text start the word start as T
A R T to eight eight seven eight eight. Again,
you could text the word start to eight eight seven
eight eight. And they also have AI chat as well.
So if you're needing some help. And the thing is,
if you're in a relationship where you're being abused and
you want to get out of that relationship, make.
Speaker 2: Sure to do so as safely as possible.
Speaker 3: Talk to someone that you can't trust, you start making preparations.
Speaker 2: We're gonna talk about that, how to go.
Speaker 3: About leaving a toxic or a toxic abuse relationship as
safely as possible. I'm talking about literally leaving if you're in,
if you're living with that person, and you're trying to
actually leave that person, then what steps can you take
to be as safe as possible. And one of those things,
too is even talking to the police, getting them involved,
and making sure that you talk to loved ones that
are there for you and that will help you in
that process. We're going to take another quick break and
we'll be back in just a moment.
Speaker 5: I was walking rooms.
Speaker 4: I choose asking God the sons of clues, every prayer
like it hit the suit.
Speaker 5: Still, I can't believe.
Speaker 4: I was tired of it turn and I was strong,
smiling through the quiet when things fell wrong.
Speaker 8: Didn't know the answer to my question, but I trusted her.
I didn't see her faith in my friends didn't know
your mack. Back then the girl was working in the sides.
Speaker 2: Even when I couldn't tell.
Speaker 4: Faith is house.
Speaker 9: Found when I had nothing left but her home.
Speaker 4: When my heart was.
Speaker 5: And love felt too far to home.
Speaker 4: Faith is I found, not chance, not perfect.
Speaker 8: Time just got more and teciously, Uh nice start fired.
Speaker 5: I was learning how to read on him, how.
Speaker 8: To let it go and start again. I thought love
was something I had it, but it was being built
in this. Every tea became a testimony. Every day he
was shaping me. So when you finally tad Lin and
I understood the place, I didn't cheese, I.
Speaker 9: Didn't rushed and led proudly away.
Speaker 4: And somehow, in its perfect time, you.
Speaker 9: Were already all your way.
Speaker 2: Faith is outpiud.
Speaker 9: When I had heard delivered for trust, when my prayers.
Speaker 5: Were whispered Lord in my knees were me in the dust.
Speaker 9: Then it's hard poud.
Speaker 8: You Lord nildk wincident, the surprisees gy care.
Speaker 5: Quality were nice, stay will beating.
Speaker 9: I learned a lot by wayed.
Speaker 2: I learned your work through prayer.
Speaker 9: If I had met you any son, I wouldn't been
for a time. So thank you God for heavy awful.
Speaker 8: Every toy you called behind because the hord led me
to you shape your DEARSI.
Speaker 4: Faith is holified. Faith is all stand with God between
ours and do fugu ayns. Faith is holifound, and Donna.
Speaker 6: Will forget the truth that didn't I love.
Speaker 8: On my I found God.
Speaker 7: And God let me. Faith is how I found you.
All right, So we're we're we're.
Speaker 3: We've been talking about codependency in a narcissistic relationship and
the signs of it. And one another sign of codependency
is identity crisis, identity enmeshment. That means when you lose
your sense of self, you lose interest in the things
that you used to have a passion about. Everything or
the hobbies or even friends revolve around the narcissist life.
Speaker 2: So you lose who you are and it's.
Speaker 3: Everything, everything is about the narcissists. Now, when when you
marry someone, you all are joined joined together. Okay, so
you're joined together, So that that is different than someone
that's telling you that you cannot you cannot have any
friends of your own, you can't have anything that you
love to do of your own. It always has to
be about the narcissists. So, for example, you may have
friends that you came into the relationship with or friends
that you might have you may have made new relationships
when you got into married or got into the relationship
with someone, but they can't stand for you to have
any anything outside of them because they want that power,
they want that control. So you feel like I can't
have outside friends, or I can't have my sense of identity,
I can't do things that I used to love to
do because everything is around or evolving around this narcissist.
That is something that you definitely want to rediscover yourself,
you know, for us, knowing what it is that you
want in life, what it is that you want in
a relationship, and these are things that you need to
very much, you would take into consideration. You know, when
you're dealing with abuse, any type of toxic relationship, excuse me,
you deal with you know, what we talk about for
is love bombing and the idealization. So the narcissists place
is the codependent on this pedalstal and in the beginning
of the relationship, everything is beautiful, everything is loving, everything
is smooth, everything is happy, and you're in this love
bombing stage. But then when you get into this relationship
with the narcissists, then you're dealing with the devaluation and
the manipulation. And so therefore the devaluation and the manipulation
comes with the narcissists checking. The narcissists changing gears. So
instead of them loving you and doing all the things
they did in the beginning of the relationship, they start criticizing.
Speaker 2: They start belittling you, They.
Speaker 3: Start making you feel like you have to gain their approval,
you have to work for their love. They start gas
lighting you, making you doubt your reality, and so it's
changes from the love bombing and idealization to the devaluation
and manipulation. Then you go into this intermittent reinforcement where
the narcissist sporadically provides affection.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 3: So, therefore you're you're, you're wanting to still receive those
things that you were getting in the beginning of the relationship,
but the narcissists, UH, purposely withhold those.
Speaker 7: Things from you.
Speaker 3: Okay, so you you you're, you're you're now trying to
work to receive those things once again, but the narcissists
will not give it to you or even or either
give it to you at the time that they choose.
Speaker 2: You know your side, your your your self work.
Speaker 3: Should never be tied to another person's approval, whether they
like you, whether they don't. You know, narcissists have a
way of manipulating you to make you feel like unless
and they approve, then it's no good. But your self
esteem should be based upon what you feel. Oh and furthermore,
what God has already said about you. You are fearfully
and wonderfully made, and you have to know that full well.
Your self worth should never be tied to a person's
validation of you, because they will criticize you. They will
make you feel inadequate, they will love bomb you, they
will make you feel as if it all centers around them.
And if they don't approve, if they don't like it,
or whatever case may be, then they will make you
feel worthy unworthy. So then you start questioning yourself, You
start doubting yourself, and that's not a way to live.
Speaker 7: Again.
Speaker 3: You don't want to lose your sense of self.
Speaker 2: You don't.
Speaker 3: You don't want to lose who God created you to be,
and therefore do not. You don't want to have an
unhealthy fixed station on the narcissists. You want to focus
and should focus on what it is that God has
put you down here to achieve. And sometimes everyone that
is in your circle should not be. And when you
are dealing with someone that is toxic, that is definitely
a person that does not need to be in your circle. Now,
the thing is, you know, can people change? Of course,
they can change if they want to, and I always
say if they allow God to change them. But apart
from that, apart from that, no, they don't normally change
because they operate in pride. But it's not to say
that they couldn't change or they can't. You are important
to God and then when you know that, then you
also need to make yourself a priority. This is not
saying that I need to be selfish. This is saying
that I have to take care of me. Give yourself
that self care. And part of giving your self care
is making sure that no one abuses you. That part
is where you can control to say, you know what,
if a person can't value me, if a person can't
love me, if a person can't respect me, then they
don't need me. And that's how you can move from codependency.
Speaker 7: To being in the.
Speaker 2: All right we are a body here. I prayy today's
podcast has been a blessing to you and that you
will know your feelings do matter.
Speaker 1: This is doctor kl Rich would not confuse no more
until next time.