WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.360 Friday night openings have always held a kind of magic 2 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:09.199 for me. Even to day, after nearly a decade of 3 00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:12.439 gallery work, frayed nerves, catering, miss apps, a hundred names 4 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:15.199 to greet, they still bars, almost like the first nights, 5 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:19.399 this one especially, every wall, every corner of the gallery, 6 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:22.800 globe campuses drenched and brushtrook, fever and neon, little sculptures 7 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:26.079 daring for your attention, my own fingerprints all over the curation, 8 00:00:26.199 --> 00:00:28.960 and the guestless. I could feel the city, my tiny 9 00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.320 slice of it any way, spending right here in these rooms, 10 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:34.719 voices layered like coil, paint, laughter ricocheting off polished concrete. 11 00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:37.960 It was late, but not too late, that delicate out 12 00:00:37.960 --> 00:00:41.000 before tipsiness unravels into sloppiness, when sharp shoes are still 13 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:44.359 on aching feet and no one started ghosting for parties elsewhere. 14 00:00:44.920 --> 00:00:47.280 I stood in a cluster, my friend Simon Sharp, tonned 15 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:49.280 and flushed from the free pinot, the ever beaming new 16 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.200 artist Wholly, a couple of collectors, all swelling around the 17 00:00:52.200 --> 00:00:55.679 same story about sculptors, fire escape, wedding faces I've seen 18 00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:58.079 for years, lit by excitement and by the pleasure of 19 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:01.000 being seen. Mark usually lie for this kind of thing. 20 00:01:01.640 --> 00:01:04.239 He moves around with a drink in hand, radiates warmth 21 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:06.480 for raws out the shy's guest in the room. He 22 00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:08.799 loves these nights as much for people watching and after 23 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:10.920 parties as for supporting me, And it's always been a 24 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:12.879 point of pride, not just that he supports me, but 25 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:15.280 that he genuinely likes the sometimes in slow world I 26 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.359 built before and around us. That's why it hits strange. 27 00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:20.640 The way he approached me from behind the barr's shadows, 28 00:01:20.719 --> 00:01:23.680 already wirrying, his jacket as fixed somewhere just past my head. 29 00:01:24.519 --> 00:01:27.519 Hey Zoe, he murmured too softly, and tugged my sleeve. 30 00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:31.439 Come we get out of here, I blinked. He'd only 31 00:01:31.519 --> 00:01:35.359 arrived about now before, Freshly shaven sleeves rolled carelessly but deliberately, 32 00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:37.519 the thin, lingering scent of a smoky I've cologne he 33 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:39.959 only wears for event nights. At first, I thought maybe 34 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:42.599 he'd found this crowd dull, maybe the conversation about municipal 35 00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:45.359 grants was too dry even for his stamina. But I 36 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:48.159 looked at him, posture hunchedon fingers, slapping a nervous rhythm 37 00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:49.840 on his thigh, his phone in his right hand, with 38 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:53.719 the screen artfully angled down. Already, I tried to pivot, 39 00:01:53.799 --> 00:01:56.799 light hearted. You haven't even met Holly yet. She's dying 40 00:01:56.799 --> 00:01:59.239 to talk about the mural project, and Simon's lining up 41 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:01.760 the next buckrel. Come on, we're just hitting us ride. 42 00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:05.000 Mark shook his head, eyes darting across the crowded room, 43 00:02:05.079 --> 00:02:08.439 avoiding mine. I know, I'm sorry, I'm just I can't tonight. 44 00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:11.319 Too many people, I might oubt. His voice was hush, 45 00:02:11.400 --> 00:02:13.439 but more rush than exhausted, like he was eager to 46 00:02:13.479 --> 00:02:16.080 or trun some one. As he said this, his thumflicked 47 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:18.800 across his phone's green nearly invisible, but I caught the 48 00:02:18.840 --> 00:02:23.080 tiny gesture, a notification previewed maybe before he would have 49 00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:26.039 tucked the phone away all on with the moment to night. 50 00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:28.800 It was a shield, or maybe even a leash. I 51 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.800 pressed again, a little edge to my smile. Just give 52 00:02:31.800 --> 00:02:33.599 it half an hour. You know what these knights mean 53 00:02:33.639 --> 00:02:36.199 to me. Stay for the Improvsah, we can leave together 54 00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:38.840 when it settles down. I reached for his shoulder, but 55 00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:41.479 he stepped back a fraction too quickly. Is draw tenson 56 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:44.120 at the contact, Not to night. I just I need 57 00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:47.479 a reset, he mumbled. We set, not a word he's 58 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:49.759 ever really used until recently, but it's cropped up a 59 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:52.639 few times in the past couple of months. I tried 60 00:02:52.680 --> 00:02:54.439 to read his face to gauge how hard to push, 61 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:57.759 But the old Climmer's amusement, affection, mischievous encouragement weren't there. 62 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:01.800 Instead detachment and that trich energy of someone wanting escape. 63 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:04.840 I scanned the room, made hasty goodbye's field of teasing 64 00:03:04.879 --> 00:03:07.319 protests from Simon and Hawley, brushing them off with something 65 00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:09.240 about an early morning. But there was a pointedness in 66 00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:12.000 the way Mark on back, shadowed as if hoping I'd hurry. 67 00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:14.479 The night air outside was heavy with smok and the 68 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:17.680 distant shriek of subway breaks. The city's lights flickered off 69 00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:20.680 Mark's tired face. We walked in silence to the cart, 70 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:22.680 the heel of my bood echoing on crack pavement, Mark 71 00:03:22.759 --> 00:03:25.639 unlocking the doors with a mechanical chirp, already halfway before 72 00:03:25.639 --> 00:03:28.719 I had closed my own door. The drive was mostly wordless. 73 00:03:29.319 --> 00:03:33.039 The tension sat between us a third passenger. Usually these 74 00:03:33.039 --> 00:03:36.360 are our decompression rise replays of gossipy snippets, raucous laughter, 75 00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:39.400 plans for night gaps to night. Mark kept his gaze 76 00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:42.280 pointed straight ahead, face tight, punctuating the silence with only 77 00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:44.680 a few vague phrases. We just needed to leave. It 78 00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:46.919 was too much, the long week at the agency. I'll 79 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.639 be better company once I've just, you know, unplugged a bit. 80 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:52.159 When I tried to tell a story from earlier in 81 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:54.560 the night about a collector asking if clients ever requested 82 00:03:54.599 --> 00:03:58.159 paintings of their pets, Mark didn't even crack a smile. Instead, 83 00:03:58.199 --> 00:04:00.439 he picked at a thread on his coffin mumble. Maybe 84 00:04:00.439 --> 00:04:03.159 out as just overwhelming me right now. Maybe it was 85 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:06.080 just that a bad week, true overwhelm, a flickering burnout. 86 00:04:06.680 --> 00:04:09.319 I want to believe it. I told myself not to 87 00:04:09.319 --> 00:04:12.240 make something out of a moment, not to personalize. But 88 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:14.960 when we got home, Mark disappeared straight into the shower, 89 00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:17.639 passed over our usual post gallery night cap, and barely 90 00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:19.600 touched my hand as he said good night before falling 91 00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:22.600 into bed, Exhausted yet electric with some disturbance I couldn't name. 92 00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:25.920 I lay away long after. I scanned through the night, 93 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:28.959 frame by frame, looking for what I'd missed. Did I 94 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:32.360 say something wrong? Forget to introduce him. Had he heard 95 00:04:32.360 --> 00:04:34.480 a bit of criticism, or did some one slight him 96 00:04:34.519 --> 00:04:38.199 in passing? I replayed a dozen small interactions, mentally orditing 97 00:04:38.240 --> 00:04:40.079 a register. Did ever lie on him too much as 98 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:42.800 my social anchor? Or not enough? Was I making a 99 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:45.959 mountain from a mortal I imagine myself telling this to mea 100 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:48.839 my closest confidant, who would probably say he no marks. 101 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:51.240 Sometimes he's just off, don't spiral? Do you know if 102 00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:54.079 something was actually up but I turned that phrase over, 103 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.600 would I really know? Because this didn't feel like just 104 00:04:57.680 --> 00:05:00.839 being off. It felt like a presence with drawn, something 105 00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:04.519 quietly shot done behind those hide averting eyes. The next morning, 106 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:07.639 Mark was up early, already making coffee. He greeted me 107 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:10.680 with an almost performative cheeriness, busying himself with small talk 108 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:13.639 about the weather, the frothy milk, his running shoes. He 109 00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:16.000 avoided etioning the gallery, and within an hour he was 110 00:05:16.040 --> 00:05:18.439 at the door for a morning jog. Airpod's already in. 111 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:22.399 For most of Saturday, my mind cycle fevershly. I forced 112 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:25.839 myself to focus on closing some deals, answering galerous emails, 113 00:05:25.920 --> 00:05:28.399 composing press follow ups, but the image of Mark's hand 114 00:05:28.439 --> 00:05:30.800 flicking over his phone. The way he'd extracted himself from 115 00:05:30.800 --> 00:05:33.759 that room kept cutting through my concentration, but I didn't 116 00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:37.639 push it, not yet. There's always something brewing in a marriage, 117 00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:40.399 but we'd earn the right to little weirdness, or so 118 00:05:40.519 --> 00:05:43.000 I hoped that early. And he's placed a hell and 119 00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:44.759 crack him my sense of a life, a life built 120 00:05:44.759 --> 00:05:47.680 on more than a decade of wild, bright, sometimes chaotic belonging. 121 00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:50.600 Ten years ago, Mark barreled into my world at a 122 00:05:50.600 --> 00:05:52.879 warehouse party in BUSHUK, the kind of night where every 123 00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:55.439 one was painting on walls and drinking out of plastic caps, 124 00:05:55.560 --> 00:05:57.800 some law stark collective spinning disco out of a thrift 125 00:05:57.839 --> 00:06:00.959 shop sound system. I'd been there, hoping for a bold encounter, 126 00:06:01.079 --> 00:06:05.519 exhausted by postgrad admin jobs and my thing for unavailable musicians. Mark, 127 00:06:05.680 --> 00:06:07.800 on the other hand, was standing over a brooke and 128 00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:10.480 vending machine, negotiating with a stranger about the merits of 129 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:15.199 abstract college. I remember his law first, unembarrassed, warm, imploring 130 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:16.720 you to join the joke, whether you knew the punch 131 00:06:16.759 --> 00:06:20.240 line or not. He circled over, introduced himself, even though 132 00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:22.120 he had to yell, and by the end of that night, 133 00:06:22.199 --> 00:06:24.920 it felt like we were already a duo. The chemistry 134 00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:27.759 was palpable, maybe Cochet, but only because it was so easy. 135 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.160 He gave his opinions freely, challenged my stubborness about which 136 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:34.000 hero of Basquiat beat out the others flowed a shamelessly. 137 00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:37.319 By sum rise, we were trading playlists, names of places 138 00:06:37.319 --> 00:06:40.279 to check out, and scheduling a totally unofficial wankraf for 139 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:43.120 the very next weekend. We fit not just as lovers, 140 00:06:43.279 --> 00:06:47.160 but as co conspirators. Supper clubs and shared lofts. Days 141 00:06:47.160 --> 00:06:50.480 spent hunting where has book sales, rain sundays, toggling between 142 00:06:50.480 --> 00:06:54.319 portfolios and agency mock ups, arguing over top us. We 143 00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:57.120 both wanted to rise to Karvernich. That didn't mean selling out. 144 00:06:57.800 --> 00:07:01.040 Mark threw himself into coperating, dreaming upaigns that made jaded 145 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:04.000 clients pay attention. I worked my way into gallery gigs, 146 00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:06.759 soaked up curatorial notes, until finally my own place opened, 147 00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:09.800 tiny but mine. We always had people from Mark's agency 148 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:11.839 friends with their speed wrap wit to my art world 149 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:15.639 crowd who veered between absurdity and earnestness. Dinners often run 150 00:07:15.720 --> 00:07:18.639 until the small hours, laughter end disputes, blending with cheap 151 00:07:18.759 --> 00:07:22.439 vermouthin late night playlists. We became known as that couples, 152 00:07:22.439 --> 00:07:26.000 social conductors, connectors, reliable instigators of the next wild event 153 00:07:26.120 --> 00:07:28.600 each new night and occasion. But even in the center 154 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:31.000 of a crowd, there was a private us accomplices stealing 155 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:33.279 each other into back rooms for make up sessions, challenging 156 00:07:33.319 --> 00:07:35.560 each other to shop for shot critiques of our despires, 157 00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:38.600 walking home loudly singing but nineties covers to scare raccoons 158 00:07:38.600 --> 00:07:42.240 from our steps. Our intimacy was not just sexual, but competitive, 159 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:44.920 a low stakes rivalry spiked with private bets. I Betty 160 00:07:44.959 --> 00:07:47.199 five dollars, Simon will try the galerous wine and spit 161 00:07:47.240 --> 00:07:51.120 it out, match shots, endless banter, not that we were flawless. 162 00:07:51.920 --> 00:07:54.920 Sometimes Marx Charisma, Clip's mine. I'd watch him manage at 163 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:57.199 dinner table, stories flown out of him and feel a 164 00:07:57.199 --> 00:08:00.879 twist of envy. People gravitated to ten watresses, new friends, 165 00:08:00.920 --> 00:08:04.720 the odd excworker, eager to catch up. I trusted him completely, 166 00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:07.120 but there was always that drop of on these Did 167 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.000 I need him to anko me socially or did he 168 00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:10.879 simply light up rooms in a way I never quite 169 00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:14.480 could For his part, he sometimes drooped about being artdjacent, 170 00:08:14.519 --> 00:08:16.519 as if he were one step outside the true nucleus 171 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:20.040 of my world. Still we worked. We worked so well 172 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:23.959 it almost felt inevitable, and we kept working. Both careers 173 00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:26.639 flourished in tandem. Mark got promoted to art director. I 174 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:30.800 expanded my gallery space twies, landing features in local design magazines. 175 00:08:31.439 --> 00:08:33.360 We never made enough to feel idle, but we earn 176 00:08:33.480 --> 00:08:36.159 just enough to indulge once a year's blurges at gemic restaurants, 177 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:39.759 impulsive gallery trips, bottle of wine sundays in bed. Our 178 00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:43.440 friends evolved with us. Simon and me in particular, became 179 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:46.279 both confidants and referees, helping bridge our art world and 180 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:49.600 agency social circles. We gathered for roofed up pop ups, 181 00:08:49.639 --> 00:08:53.039 impromptu dinner parties, camping weekends that devolved into midnight arguments 182 00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:56.559 about sculpture vs. Photography. There was a rhythm to these years, 183 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.639 in jokes so old they required no explanation. The power 184 00:08:59.639 --> 00:09:02.080 in such friendships came from trust, not just as a couple, 185 00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:05.480 but as a group. Richel's form Thursday night dinners, a 186 00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:09.000 rotating chef's choice among the friends. Monthly gallery runs where 187 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:11.000 we'd attempt to hit every new opening in a day. 188 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:14.440 Rare but precious long weekends upstate, trying out chosen only 189 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:17.759 for their bathtubs. Beneath all the bustle. I was quietly proud, 190 00:09:17.840 --> 00:09:20.480 sometimes envious, of Mack's ability to fit everywhere, to coax 191 00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:22.519 a smile from strangers, and command a room with self 192 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:25.799 a facing wit. It was easy to trust him. Still, 193 00:09:25.879 --> 00:09:27.919 sometimes I wondered if I'd become a bit player in 194 00:09:27.919 --> 00:09:30.919 his narratives backgrounded in my own life. But that warry 195 00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:33.840 never rose to more than a passing thought. Until months 196 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:36.600 before that strange Friday, I started seeing Mark drift, sometimes 197 00:09:36.639 --> 00:09:39.519 to warf but just as often away. A week after 198 00:09:39.559 --> 00:09:41.720 the gallery night, we had another industry of vent to 199 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:44.519 charity dinner at convert a brewery downtown. Half funderies are 200 00:09:44.600 --> 00:09:47.399 half excuse to mingle. Mark said he'd meet me there 201 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:49.799 after work. As usual, I dressed with him in mind, 202 00:09:49.879 --> 00:09:52.159 a ross velvet dress I knew he liked, pleased, thinly 203 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:55.600 veil text he sent confirming attendants. The room shimmered with 204 00:09:55.600 --> 00:09:59.039 glassware and too bright laughter. I floated between circles our 205 00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:01.960 pr gallery, a couple of my artists making mental notes 206 00:10:01.960 --> 00:10:04.519 for the post event. Right up, Mark showed up half 207 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:07.000 with your dinner eyes, a little glaze, sued maculate hair 208 00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:08.919 rescue in a way that always made him look younger. 209 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:12.279 He kissed my cheek, but it felt mechanical, not rude, 210 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:15.080 not I see, just checked out. He stuck close, but 211 00:10:15.159 --> 00:10:17.960 didn't bother with the usual flare. No saories, no flirting 212 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:21.879 with the bartender, no spontaneous toasts. When Simon drifted over 213 00:10:21.919 --> 00:10:23.679 and read us about the after party for just the 214 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:26.039 fun ones, Mark shook his head and muttered, I'm heading 215 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:30.039 out soon early morning tomorrow. He left before dessert, said 216 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:32.399 the space was giving him a headache. Too many bodies, 217 00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:35.399 stiff competition for deals at work. I laughed, tried to 218 00:10:35.399 --> 00:10:37.679 wrap my arm around his shoulder to squeeze the tension away, 219 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:40.279 but he gently brushed me off. Don't worry, I'll uber's 220 00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:42.879 day have fun. The next day, I was recounting the 221 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:44.519 busy end of the night with me and Simon, and 222 00:10:44.559 --> 00:10:47.759 Simon smirked. Mark really missed out. He would have gotten 223 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:49.960 that inside joke about the mustard doug especially after the 224 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:52.919 drinks of Catmans on Wednesday. There was a split second 225 00:10:52.919 --> 00:10:55.039 catch and me as expression of flecked there and gone. 226 00:10:55.399 --> 00:10:57.919 I shook my head. I didn't know you guys all 227 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:01.399 met up. Simon shrowed, already diving into a story about 228 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:04.360 a waitress with a face tattoo. Me changed the subject 229 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:07.120 quick as a snap. Later, I asked Mark about it 230 00:11:07.240 --> 00:11:10.559 casual while making dinner. Did you guys go out on Wednesday? 231 00:11:10.679 --> 00:11:14.600 Simon mentioned something about cashman's Mark's face focused on chopping 232 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:18.240 basil didn't change. Oh yeah, just a random after work 233 00:11:18.279 --> 00:11:20.639 than last minute. Just needed to decompress. There's been some 234 00:11:20.759 --> 00:11:22.879 drama with a client. Didn't want to drag it home, 235 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:26.279 He grinned, without looking at me. Honestly, it was nothing. 236 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:29.120 You dodged a bullet, if you ask me, I forced 237 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:32.759 to laugh, the old cashman's bullet. He slid the cutting 238 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:34.720 board into the pan and leaned against the counter, his 239 00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:37.320 arms crossed over his chest, implicitly asking me to let 240 00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:40.840 it go. It was nothing. Probably we both gone out 241 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:43.360 in small groups before, separate from each other, But the 242 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:46.639 casual secrecy stalne There was a pattern emerging. The more 243 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:48.399 he tried to keep up, the more he seemed content 244 00:11:48.440 --> 00:11:51.159 to let me miss moments. I wasn't sure whether it 245 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:53.159 was my own workload stretched with a new artist sued 246 00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:55.879 and a tricky collector negotiation that left me feeling left out, 247 00:11:56.080 --> 00:11:58.240 or whether the Mark had simply started coughing out a quieter, 248 00:11:58.399 --> 00:12:01.519 more private stretch of his days. More little things popped 249 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:04.919 up some nights. Mark never a phone at the table, 250 00:12:04.919 --> 00:12:07.919 person slipped away outside during dinner parties to take calls 251 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:10.799 or answer messages. When I poked him about it, Hey, 252 00:12:10.879 --> 00:12:13.320 come back, You're the main event, he dismiss it. Sorry, 253 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:16.720 cline fire, they are all insomniacs. I scanned his face 254 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:19.080 for irony, but there was only a tight smile. He 255 00:12:19.159 --> 00:12:21.639 started texting in bed, holding his phone flat on the 256 00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:24.879 comforter barely glance in my way. Once he was gone 257 00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:26.840 so long during a gathering that I joked to Mere 258 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:28.799 should I go outside and see if he was abducted 259 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:32.080 by board accountants. We laughed, but I remember scrolling through 260 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:34.279 all four to us that night, comparing his face then 261 00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:37.600 and now. It was subtle, but there I pulled towards 262 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:40.320 something more away from us. I cut myself off from 263 00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:43.600 over analyzing. Mark was busy. His agency was landing a 264 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:46.039 monster account with a big art brand. The entire office 265 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:49.840 running lay I could easily imagine myself escalating simple fatigue 266 00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:52.799 into soap opera. I'd become sensitive to any clue that 267 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:55.679 something was unraveling, perhaps because I was bracing myself for 268 00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:58.360 the stress of my own next exhibit. What has days 269 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:00.720 rolled by? Every fresh glance at his touseled hair and 270 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.799 bright face carried the trace of the unease. It built, 271 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.440 a drip feed of warrior kept dismissing as mere projection, 272 00:13:06.759 --> 00:13:09.240 as if foising it would make it real. Three weeks 273 00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:12.159 passed like this, each with its own interruptions, each ending 274 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:15.000 a little less together than the last. Our Thursday night 275 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.399 dinerous standing, sacred virchel abruptly vanished. Mark taxted that first week, 276 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:23.440 sorry client dinner, Can we reschedule the next week? No explanation, 277 00:13:23.559 --> 00:13:26.120 just silent until late, followed by a one line apology, 278 00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:29.639 working overtime again, Love you by the third Thursday was 279 00:13:29.639 --> 00:13:31.919 a running joke among our friends. The agency had eaten 280 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:35.240 Mark alive. The punchline lost its comedy after a while. 281 00:13:35.960 --> 00:13:38.320 Mark was always careful with money, but the credit cards 282 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:40.759 are joint. I was online one night sorting out accounting 283 00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:42.840 for the gallery when I noticed a string of charges 284 00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:47.399 on his car, upscale restaurants, Boutiquine, Boss, Rialtoe Fridays, Ivy 285 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:49.960 and Grain, little places less frequented by our usual crowd, 286 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:52.840 and all within a few blocks of Mark's agency. Some 287 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.960 of the transactions are relapsed with the same night as 288 00:13:54.960 --> 00:13:58.919 his client meetings places. We never went together, as quinted 289 00:13:58.960 --> 00:14:01.399 at the transaction list, reading it again and again, trying 290 00:14:01.399 --> 00:14:03.320 to remember whether I had missed a random dinner plan, 291 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:06.799 but there was nothing. At a brunch soon after, Simon 292 00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:09.480 brought up the upcoming group dinner. Surprised that I'd already 293 00:14:09.519 --> 00:14:12.159 told Mark you were out, I looked at him blankly. 294 00:14:12.759 --> 00:14:16.519 I never got an invite. Simon frowned. Mark said you 295 00:14:16.519 --> 00:14:18.759 were slammed this week and probably wouldn't be up for it, 296 00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:21.919 so I just never mind. He laughed it off, but 297 00:14:21.960 --> 00:14:23.639 there was a question in his eyes. Did I know 298 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:27.279 my own week? It added up to something unsatisfying just 299 00:14:27.320 --> 00:14:31.039 below the surface. That night, while scanning Instagram's stories for 300 00:14:31.080 --> 00:14:33.240 the galleries tags, a spot a Mark at a dinbar 301 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:35.679 blurry in the background of a group shot had thrown 302 00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:38.840 back with laughter. I noted the date and scrolled my calendar. 303 00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:42.679 Another working late night, I didn't mention it. Maybe it 304 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:45.279 was a quick drink before heading home. Maybe I was 305 00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:47.879 cataloging problems because I was too tired to fix them. 306 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:51.519 At a Tuesday opening, another piece fell into place I've 307 00:14:51.519 --> 00:14:54.080 always there. An artist client of Mark's, famous for massive 308 00:14:54.120 --> 00:14:56.200 murals and a follow in that outgrew local galleries. Two 309 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:58.879 years ago, she joined my newest show as a guest, 310 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:01.840 and I greeted her with the the usual effortless professionalism. 311 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:04.480 When I circled back later, Mark was talking to her 312 00:15:04.600 --> 00:15:06.600 at what I would have called an intimate distance, laughing 313 00:15:06.600 --> 00:15:08.360 with his whole body, voice low enough that it was 314 00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:11.399 almost secretive. They broke about the second I approached. The 315 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:15.279 conversation cut in mid sentence, Alva smiled brilliantly at me. 316 00:15:15.879 --> 00:15:19.320 We were just talking about the wine bar fiasco. She nudged, Mark, 317 00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:23.360 you tell it better. Mark flush quick to change the subject, 318 00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:26.279 pivoting back to my show. Alva's got a new commission 319 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:29.159 she just signed this morning. Both their eyes seemed brighter 320 00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:32.240 than the context deserved. I watched as they migrated back 321 00:15:32.279 --> 00:15:35.120 to the group, tension and new unspoken jerk passing between them, 322 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:38.559 carefully masked for general attention. That night, Mark's caatbook was 323 00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:40.639 abandoned on the kitchen table, left open next to his 324 00:15:40.679 --> 00:15:43.919 agency badge and all Day is cologne. While cleaning up, 325 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:47.159 I glanced at the pages, expecting the usual layouts for campaigns, 326 00:15:47.240 --> 00:15:50.960 fragments of headlines, thumbnails of possible ad spots, But this 327 00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:54.919 time scattered mon design concepts were personal notes, random phrases, 328 00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:58.720 a list of name, staff, clients, acquaintances. In the margins, 329 00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:02.159 one name stood alone, Ava, surrounded by a rows and dates. 330 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:05.919 I read the dits twice. All corresponded to the string 331 00:16:05.960 --> 00:16:08.799 of late work nights and client dinners. I shot the 332 00:16:08.840 --> 00:16:11.399 book and shoved it beneath the stack, feeling guilty, but 333 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:14.399 couldn't and see the patterns. The next day, over drinks 334 00:16:14.399 --> 00:16:16.679 with friends, some one made a teasing common to Yunova, 335 00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:18.679 always egging each other on, and Mark shot them a 336 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:21.039 look so quick and sharp that even Simon bit his lip, 337 00:16:21.159 --> 00:16:24.960 changing the subject fast. Suddenly our intimacy began to cool 338 00:16:25.080 --> 00:16:27.960 in ways I could not unnotice. I reached for him 339 00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:31.240 in the way couple's due, playful teasing, spontaneous affection. Late night, 340 00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:34.480 Foot tangled with his under the coal. Each time he responded, 341 00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:36.840 never coldly, but with a surge and coiled distance, a 342 00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:41.360 new distractedness. Touches became perfunctory kisses, grown brief. Bedroom time 343 00:16:41.399 --> 00:16:43.600 reduced to tie of rituals that ended more in silence 344 00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:47.240 than entangle cheats. He started staying late at work, arriving 345 00:16:47.240 --> 00:16:49.159 home after I had already drifted off in front of 346 00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:53.240 a documentary. Even on week ends, excuses abounded, big deadlines 347 00:16:53.320 --> 00:16:55.600 moved for just being alone by crides to clear out 348 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:58.559 the weak. Stress. Late one night, driven by equal parts 349 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:01.440 heard and curiosity, broke garrul. I never thought I'd cross. 350 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:05.039 I opened Mark's laptop. Few barriers between us, We've always 351 00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:08.640 shared devices. There was nothing of her, A handful of 352 00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:11.759 text threats, gallery related agency banter, a few jokes with 353 00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:14.279 Simon and me, and nothing out of the ordinary. I 354 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:18.319 opened his calendar, mostly work meetings, creative briefings remind us 355 00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:21.519 to call his mother, but every so often block windows 356 00:17:21.559 --> 00:17:24.839 marked only as holds or of ideas. I hesitated grolling 357 00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:26.839 the reason into neet history, but it was minimal, eat 358 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:29.640 it truly dull or selectively clean. I put the lot 359 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:33.200 up away, wrestling with guilt what had I become? But 360 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:35.319 as I stared up at the dark recticle of the ceiling. 361 00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:38.240 My mind looped past every moment I doubted myself, Simon 362 00:17:38.279 --> 00:17:40.880 glancing away me a tensing up laughter at a wine bar, 363 00:17:40.920 --> 00:17:42.880 I hadn't been invited to a joke about being in 364 00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:45.759 the know. I started to wonder was everyone else and 365 00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:48.480 on something? I was? A one evening, I caught Marked 366 00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:51.039 texting on the gallery steps, face illuminated in the faint 367 00:17:51.079 --> 00:17:54.200 blue of his phone, smiling absently at some message. When 368 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:56.440 I called out, he tucked the phone away, stride brisk 369 00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:58.920 as he joined me, deflecting my who was that? With 370 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:02.279 an effortless justs agency, He banter, don't worry. Each new 371 00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:04.920 piece of evidence, insignificant on its own, built toward a 372 00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:07.599 picture I did not want to see. Maybe I wanted 373 00:18:07.640 --> 00:18:09.640 to catch him, or maybe, if I'm honest, I wanted 374 00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:12.400 desperately to be proven wrong. I tried, at last to 375 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:15.200 dress it upright. Mark was at home, plying for a 376 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:17.640 stack of take out containers, looking like the tide had 377 00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:20.599 finally pulled him under after weeks of frantic motion. I 378 00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:23.039 sat beside him, legs tat beneath me and let the 379 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:27.400 words come out, careful but clear. Are we are? Kay? I? 380 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:30.799 Tried it nervously, after covering self doubt. You've been somewhere 381 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:35.200 else lately. He paused, chewed, considered, his eyes, softened, voice 382 00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:38.079 lowering to a registrar. I craved for weeks. I know, 383 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:40.960 so it's the work. I should have been clearer. He 384 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.079 ran a hand through his hair and let his shoulders 385 00:18:43.079 --> 00:18:46.240 fall for the first time in weeks. Alva's campaign has 386 00:18:46.279 --> 00:18:49.079 been a nightmare. She's talented and brilliant, but honestly, she's 387 00:18:49.079 --> 00:18:51.559 impossible as a client. She calls at midnight the man's 388 00:18:51.640 --> 00:18:55.000 last minute changes, and sometimes I don't even remember agreeing 389 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:57.319 to half the dinners we've scheduled. I'm embarrassed at how 390 00:18:57.359 --> 00:19:00.400 much it's bled into us. He looked at me, looked 391 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:02.960 for the first time in what felt like months. It's 392 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:05.799 not you. I just let the boundaries get foggy. I'm sorry. 393 00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:07.680 I know how it looks with the late nights and 394 00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:10.119 random dinners. I'll set some limits. Don't let me off 395 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:12.240 the hook if I pull this again. There was a 396 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:15.200 crushing sincerity to him. I wanted to believe it needed to. 397 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.200 Mark had a way of performing remorse and gentleness that 398 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:20.519 cut all my doubts in half. He followed it up 399 00:19:20.519 --> 00:19:22.720 by suggesting a week anyway, just us up state o 400 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:25.359 Throberg to our first years. He booked a B and 401 00:19:25.440 --> 00:19:27.799