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Speaker 1: Erro dot net, aar r oe dot net. It's more

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than just a podcast, it is a podcast network. One

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of the hottest features is CTCs What does it really

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like to work at a grocery store? The inside outs

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and behind the scenes talks, plus whoa all of this

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stealing and everything taking place right before your eyes? Oh yeah,

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CTCs only on ero dot net, aar r oe dot net.

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Enjoy your exploration. I gotta tell you, Nikki, I'm so

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proud of you for putting the pin to paper, your

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hands on that computer. Because so many times throughout our

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history we all get the interpretation of someone else's story.

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We can't say that about you. Now you are sharing

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your story forward and I love this kind of stuff.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Yeah, it was you know. I

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decided to do it, am I decided to do it.

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I decided to do it as authentically and honestly as possible,

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and I just went with it. Took a while, you know,

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as a whole process, but I am extremely proud and

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ready to.

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Speaker 1: Share what was the wall that you faced when you

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said it took a while, Because as an author, I

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understand that, but I don't believe in writer's block. So

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what what what do you mean by take a while?

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, I had a lot of you know,

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I went back my whole childhood, my whole life, A

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lot of it was with addiction, and I really had

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to make sure that I had the fact straight that

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I you know, I had remembered things. So I took

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like at least a year or so where I you know,

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interviewed people that were there, got records, you know, I

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always had my phone with me, and anywhere I was,

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I would just put you know, record and voice tape

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things that I remembered, and then I had to transcribe them.

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I mean, that was that was a while. That took

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a year or so to just do that. And then

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you've got to write it, and you've got to organize

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all that stuff. A whole lifetime of organization and writing,

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and then you know, the agent comes on and the

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selling and then there the rewrites. It's it's a process.

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Speaker 1: I laughed because when you say rewrites, I'm going, oh

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my god, been there done it? Oh my god. When

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that letter comes inder that call says, yeah, to do

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one more time, and you want to use every dirty

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word in the book, which you go, no, shut up,

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shut shut shut, shut up.

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Speaker 2: You know, I got so lucky. I have like incredible

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you know, publisher editors, and you know, there wasn't an

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incredibly like a massive amount of you know, structural changes.

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It was it was a lot of other stuff. So

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I got pretty lucky with that. So and then the

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people at my publishing company are just awesome people. But yeah,

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it's a process, and you still have to go back,

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and you still have to you know, change and flip it.

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At one point I had flipped parts and and changed

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the structure of you know how I was going to

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tell the story that was much earlier on. But yeah,

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it's so much to do in writing a book well

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worth it.

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Speaker 1: Though, you said something that really really got my attention,

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which was you said you went back to interview people.

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Oh my god, what was that like? Because now these

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people you're talking with are talking about something you know

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a lot about, and sometimes you've just got to sit

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back and let them share their story.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, writing a story like this about addiction

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and about things that went on and and you know,

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prison and the streets and and and and also the trauma,

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there's so much to get down and there's so much

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to make sure that you get right. You know, there's

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times I had to I didn't remember in age. I

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had to back it up and think, Okay, what year

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was that, who was alive? You know, where was I?

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What house was that in so that I could kind

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of like, you know, corner myself into that that time period.

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And so I had to ask family, I had to

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ask people I knew, like what happened? What did you see?

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Because I wanted to make sure that I did the

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best I could in getting down the actual facts. But yeah,

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it was it was interesting, and and we would go

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back and forth and it would and would bring up

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more memories and more things. But but I made sure

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I did that because it was really important for me

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to get it right.

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Speaker 1: You when you when you talk about addiction, I've I've

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got a podcast on iHeartRadio called Creativity is the Addiction.

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So when I hear you talk about addiction, I'm sitting

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here thinking, did this book become your next addiction? Because

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when it comes to writing and creativity, oh my god,

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it consumes you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And you know, I because I am a

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felon and I have a record and the way that

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I've chose to move through life I've always kind of

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been a hustler, and I've had, you know, odd jobs,

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and so you know, at one point at writing this book,

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I had multiple jobs. I was delivering flowers from like

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seven am to seven pm, or you know, doing some

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kind of odd job. And so I would do that

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and then I would come home and I would eat

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and I would try to sleep for a few hours,

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and then I would get up and spend the night,

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you know, I don't know, two to six am, three

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to six am, what five am, writing and organizing and

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you know, trying to get it done and then thinking

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about it. So if I was out during the day working,

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I was thinking about it. And again I had my

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phone on me, so I was always recording things that

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I wanted to do that I wanted to say.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, man, those hours though, that's little Wayne hours, man.

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I mean, I get up at six o'clock in the morning,

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but come on that early in the morning and you're

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expecting your body to give it to you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. It was rough, it was, but it was the

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only way I was going to get it done. I

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had to pay the bills and I had to keep

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myself going, so, you know, I had to do what

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I had to do, which is which is a theme

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in my life.

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Speaker 1: So then when you're up that early and you're putting

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words on a page, and I'm going to tie that

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into this description of the book, unflinchingly raw. Do you

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think that being up that early in the morning took

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down your guards to where you could be unflinchingly raw?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. I mean the fact that I was hustling

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and running and I still had a kid at home

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and I was just trying to get everything done and

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get this book down. I was definitely raw, and I

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was definitely you know, giving everything I had. But also

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it was a decision I made. I wanted to be

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unflinchingly raw. I wanted to be honest, and I wanted

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to make sure that it was completely authentic. And that's

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the place I came from when I was writing the book.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and look who's attention you got Piper Kerman. Come on, now,

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you can't go any higher than that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, so lucky, so blessed, And you know,

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she read it and she wrote such a beautiful review.

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You know, she also sent me a letter on the

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side in the review, and it was just so kind

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and so supportive about you know, being a writer, and

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and the kind of people that I'll I'll run into,

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and and and that it's a you know, a good

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world to be and how you know, how how how

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how great everything like it was just I just felt

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so touched by, you know, the added support that she

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gave me. What an awesome person she is well and.

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Speaker 1: Just hearing your heart. Now, I've got to go back

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to this quote you said. You said, I'm a felon,

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a felon with the record. Okay, here's the thing. I've

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read your book. I know what your book is all about.

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How about a felon with a real, authentic record that

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has music on it. And here's my record. How do

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you like these songs?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's yeah, it is uh, it's it's

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out there and and it is uh. And I am

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a felon and I am a recovered person. And I

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guess if we did a record of my life, it

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would be about the journey. It would be about the healing,

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it would be about the process. It would be about

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the giving back and the paying in the connecting.

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Speaker 1: Well, you're paying forward with this book in the way

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that I can't imagine how many people are going to

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be sitting there inside those moments of aloneness, and they're

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gonna say, I'm writing a book. How do I know

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I'm writing a book because NICKI made the way happen.

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Nicki is the one that's given me that opportunity to

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take that step.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. The best thing, the best the best reviews, the

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best feedback I've gotten is that it's touched people in

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all different ways. It's inspired people to tell their story.

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It's inspired people to heal. It's inspired people to give

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more compassion and have more empathy for people that are

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our addicts, have been in prison, have been on the streets,

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and you know, it's just bringing people together. And I'm

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loving it that this is this is what it's all about.

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Speaker 1: See, and you just described the everyday, average person who's

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not in prison, but yet they're trapped and they're imprisoned

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in their own careers, their own personal lives. I mean,

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you're you're you're speaking to everybody that's behind a wall

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that they either created or were put behind.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I try to end the book like that.

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You know, I really ramp it up at the end.

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I try to talk about my journey. I get into

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at the final part, you know, the healing and what

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direction I went in. And at the very end, you know,

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I kind of bring everyone in and say, you know what,

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we all deserve this, not just me, everyone.

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Speaker 1: Please do not move. There's more with Nicki Mamano coming

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up next the name of her book, Breaking Good, a memoir.

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We are back with author Nicki Mimano. Somewhere along the line, though,

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you had to say, I realize I have to trust

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people inside these four walls of prison? But do I

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trust myself? Did you ever face that mall or that

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wall or that mirror?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I didn't trust myself. I had so

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much pain, you know, and I you know have you know,

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I had insecurities and all that kind of stuff. But

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you know, I eventually had to, you know, face it.

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And I say that in the book book. You know,

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I was a runner, but at some point you got

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to turn around and you got to stare those demons down.

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And it did take a while, and it's a lifelong process.

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I'm still doing it. I will be doing it forever.

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But I have, you know, I had an incredible therapist

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and incredible friends and support system, and I finally decided

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no more. I'm doing the work, and the work has

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been the most beautiful, painful, you know, beautiful and painful

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part of my life. And I wouldn't change anything, not

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a thing.

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Speaker 1: That's such an open door for a reader, that is

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such an amazing path for someone to say, my God,

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that's exactly the needle in the haystack that I've been

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looking for. You are speaking the street in a way

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where people can relate with you and open their own

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journeys forward.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and people are telling me, you know, it's so relatable.

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They feel like the journey with me. They feel like

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they see themselves in this part. And you know, when

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writing the book, I knew, I knew that there was

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something for everyone. I knew there was something for the addict.

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I knew there was something for the person in prison.

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I knew there was something for the kid on the streets,

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and I knew there was something for the friend of

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the addict, or the family of you know, this person,

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or even the mom, the mom and you know in

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town that's just doing their best. And finding out that

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it actually hit that way has been uh, you know,

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just it's just so powerful for me.

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Speaker 1: So there's one thing that I keep hearing. And this

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is going to be a brave, honest question, and that

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is we We talked about the attic and and and

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and the attic and the attic in the attic. Now

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I have to ask the question, how are you dealing

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with that voice that is endlessly in your head, that

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keeps using that word when when readers on this side

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are saying, I see you as a leader.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I I wasn't. I will always be

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an addict. And I did that, you know, of trauma.

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I did that because of a you know, the issues

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that I had, but I, you know, I got through it.

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And I I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful. I

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feel like I've been given so much grace. And the

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idea of using now is so far behind me in

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the rear view mirror, and I live in the present moment.

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I yeah, you know, how hard is that?

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Speaker 1: But you know.

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Speaker 2: It managed to work on that and find a way.

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And I say all the time, it's a process and

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it's a lifetime of work. So there are times where I,

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you know, I stumble back a little, and then I

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make sure that if I took a step back, I

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take two or three forward. But you know live. I

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live every day and again feel God so incredibly lucky.

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Speaker 1: You speak of something inside this book, and right away

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my imagination called it a marriage, because in reality, these

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things that you bring up in this book are a marriage.

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And I hope that it opens up people's hearts. Addiction,

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trauma and recovery. That's a marriage that is always going

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to happen, and with you speaking openly about it, people

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can heal. Now.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and everyone's got a shot. And I say that like,

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you know, if we have brave enough to turn around

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and stare those demons down like you, we've got a shot.

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We've all got a shot, and we can all do it.

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And that's one of the messages that I wanted to

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get out there. You know, everyone can do this and

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and and and it's hard, it's hard work, and and

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I know that sometimes the demons beat us. And that's

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that's okay. Like I'm ready. People are ready, you know,

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to hold out our hands and and and pull you up,

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you know, whenever you're ready. But let's let's do this.

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Let's do the work. Let's let's get let's get better.

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Speaker 1: When you speak of those demons, do you feel like

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Russell Crowe in that movie Beautiful Mind. No matter where

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you go, you can see those demons next to you,

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but nobody else can.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it's really interesting. There's there's you know,

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I've lived this life and then some people's you know,

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they think, how did you live that life? And for me,

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it was just my life and I kind of got

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through it and it doesn't seem as as as wild

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as other people see it. But you know, but it

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is still there and and I still have to face that.

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I wake up some mornings and the demons are there,

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and I have to go, Okay, you know, we're getting

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up today, we're gonna go walk, we're gonna go get

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in the shower, we're gonna go call someone and do something.

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And some days are easier than others. But in you know,

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it's just it's it's a daily it's daily work, it's

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daily process.

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Speaker 1: Do you work in it in the way of saying,

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like at two three o'clock in the morning, when that

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demon wakes you up and you say, ah, eleven o'clock

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is your time, This is my time right now? Do

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you do you put those rules down?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've learned how to do that. I think there

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was a time in my life where my trauma and

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pain just overtook me whenever. And I think as we

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do that healing journey, and we kind of get to

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see the reasons why we do things, the buttons that

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were put the you know, the way that we've managed life.

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We get to learn how to take control and and

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then and then you know, in doing that, it affords us,

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you know, the possibilities are endless.

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Speaker 1: Who is your teacher or the person that planted the

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empowerment here, because I mean, your openness reminds me so

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much of Julia Cameron, the artist way, who was the

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one that opened you up so that you could put

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pen to paper.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, I guess the person that taught me

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the most about myself is my therapist. And that's a

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whole journey in the book. And put that in the

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book because that that relationship and and what she's done

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for me is so important. But you know, she had

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said to me at one point, I said to her,

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look at me, Look what I've done, you know, like

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look at look at the person I was. And she said,

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there's there's no other way your life would have gone.

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Like what do you look? Look what look what was

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done to you? Like you did everything you could and

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it wasn't going to happen any other way. You are okay?

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And I remember thinking I'm okay, like I I yeah, right,

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I am, I'm I'm a good person. I'm ok And

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so you know, from there I was able to say, okay,

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all right, let's let's let we can do this. And

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and and from there we we we broke it down.

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We break it down all the time. And I I

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I work on those things. I work on how to

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how to love myself and how to be a better human,

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a better person.

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Speaker 1: Wo I'm gonna ask you a personal question. Or my

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brother Allie ever talked about because he went to prison

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for meth and so he used to say, he say, man,

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everything is great. Man. I found Jesus in prison. And

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I said, Jesus was in prison? What cell was he in?

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Who did you find while you were in there?

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Speaker 2: You know? For me, I was very young, okay, and

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I yeah, I was twenty one, twenty two, and I

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didn't understand what was going on. I didn't have you know,

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there were so many opportunities for me to get out

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or and I didn't. I didn't talk. I didn't do

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any of that, and for multiple reasons, I had loyalty.

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I also had fear. But I just remember also not

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understanding the gravity of what was going on. So it

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wasn't really until later I got out. I still fumbled

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until I got pregnant, because then I was a homeless,

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addictive prostitute. And then I was pregnant, and that's when

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I stood back in front of the judge and my

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lawyer was like, one more shot, give her one more shot.

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And I remember that was the moment that was like, Okay,

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I want the shot now, And that's where I found myself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, those moments, it's like how do you put that

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in a bottle and reach right? It reminds me of

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eleanor Rigby, you know from the Beatles. You know what's

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sitting in that jar by the door and who is

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it waiting for?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, And you know it's when we take when

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do we take the shot at? For me, it wasn't

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in prison when it should have been. And you know

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there's other times where I just went out on addiction

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and got all messed up. But you know, at some

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point it does it hits us all. And I've had

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multiple ones that was my first one. But there's times

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in my life where I've had other dark knights of

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the soul where you're just sitting there and you're facing

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the darkness and you're like, what am I going to

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do with this? And that's where I've found myself most

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in that dark, dark dark times.

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Speaker 1: Did you rely on hid and speak? In other words,

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we both know what darkness is, but you relied on

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a way of writing to where you knew what it was.

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But the reader is going to pick something else up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean I put down everything I could as

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honestly as I could, and you know, I think people

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are going to take from it, you know what it

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works for them. I talked about the way my mind works.

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I talked about, you know, the mistakes I made, and

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I did that because I wanted to be real And

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I hope it reaches people and I hope that whatever

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it is that they get from it, it helps and

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and and and plants something in them so that you know,

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they can they can they can find themselves too.

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Speaker 1: Is that your cursive writing in the book? You had

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my attention at Hello, my god when I saw that

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cursive writing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, do you mean with.

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Speaker 1: The in the book, which yeah, And I sat there

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and I thought, is this her handwriting? Did she put

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her handwriting inside this book? Because with the cursive writing

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and stuff, it's it's got to be your handwriting because

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I can feel something from that.

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Speaker 2: So no, that's the cover. It was actually done by

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an artist, so it's not even font. And then in

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there is all layout and stuff. But the one part

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that little note I wrote, that was done in a

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handwriting that represented, you know, where I was at the moment,

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and you know, I kind of put out what I

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was feeling and where I was coming from. And then

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that was matched well because it does serve that purpose.

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Speaker 1: It opened up my imagination of, oh my god, she's

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going to teach people to write to get it out

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of their system that you don't have to hold on

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to it. And I just I just took such a

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spiritual connection to it because it's like it's like, oh

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my god, it's so authentic, it's so real, it's so happening.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and and and the whole book is authentic and

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real and happening. And I write the book so that,

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you know, I feel like I want the reader to

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take my hand and go on the journey. I want

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you to know what everything feels like. And the feedback

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I've gotten is that that's how people are perceiving it.

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And you know, that's the connection right there, and that's

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the trust. People trust me, they trust my story, and

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they trust me as a writer because I was completely honest.

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Speaker 1: Wow wow Wow. Where can people go to find out

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more about you? Because we're just scratching the surface here,

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we're not even diving into the real, deep dark stuff

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that becomes sunshine.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, you know my website nicki mimato dot

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com and I A kk I m A M m

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A n O is my website. You can go there

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contact me there. I would love to speak and talk.

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Starting to do that, and I think it's just a

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wonderful thing. And the books are everywhere, so you know,

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get my book and read it and and you know,

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go to my website and send me an email tell

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me what you think. I'd love to hear it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and grab a yellow highlighter because you're going to

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learn a lot of new stuff in it that you're

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going to need later on. And you don't need to

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go where was it? Where was it? Where was it?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Well, please come back to this show anytime

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in the future. Nikki. The door is always going to

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be open for you.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Was such a pleasure.

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Speaker 1: Well you be brilliant today.

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Speaker 2: Okay you as well take care