WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.519 The sound of Eric's roll about trundling over the threshold 2 00:00:06.559 --> 00:00:09.119 was my signal to close the Netflix window. It was 3 00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:11.919 just after eleven on Sunday night, later than he promised. 4 00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:14.119 The only light in the living room was the blue 5 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.039 glow of the aquarium water, shifting shadows over his slutched 6 00:00:17.079 --> 00:00:19.039 frame as he stooped to unlace his boots and drop 7 00:00:19.079 --> 00:00:21.280 his gear in a pile. I set my phone on 8 00:00:21.320 --> 00:00:24.600 the coffee table, careful not sound invasion. He made it. 9 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:27.839 I called, keeping my voice easy. Did the roads behave? 10 00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:30.480 Eric managed to smile more of an upward rich and 11 00:00:30.519 --> 00:00:32.359 pulled me in for an awkward, half hearted hab that 12 00:00:32.439 --> 00:00:35.200 left the scent of hotel soap in my hair. Yeah, 13 00:00:35.399 --> 00:00:37.719 just a lawn drive. I need to get clean, he muttered, 14 00:00:37.799 --> 00:00:40.880 already heading for the master bath, bag slung over one shoulder. 15 00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:43.439 I waited, trying to read something in the hunch of 16 00:00:43.439 --> 00:00:47.479 his back. Nothing. Just tired, I told myself, no reason 17 00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:51.719 to analyze. Fifteen minutes later, he reappeared in sweatpaint's hair damp. 18 00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:55.119 I was curled into the couch, scrolling through my group dreads. 19 00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:57.439 He should see what just sent me one of those 20 00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:00.960 deep fried astrological memes right on them for our garbage week. 21 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:03.799 He ap perched beside me, not touching, then picked up 22 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:07.159 his foam without really looking at me. Ha, sorry, just tired. 23 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:11.040 What did she say? Nothing, it's dumb. I closed my 24 00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:14.159 group chat with a false laugh. I'll let the silence stretch, 25 00:01:14.280 --> 00:01:16.400 expecting him to fill it. Usually he'd fall straight into 26 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:20.959 high lights from his trip, resort gossip, some embarrassing coworker story. Instead, 27 00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:23.560 I got the quiet monoton clicking of his thumbs on glass, 28 00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:26.359 a walls thick a sound proofing. My eyes found the 29 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:28.760 open edge of a ski duffel, sitting incongruous by the 30 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.280 laundry door. I waited until he finally looked up, catching 31 00:01:32.280 --> 00:01:35.519 my gaze briefly before blinking away. Remember we need to 32 00:01:35.560 --> 00:01:38.560 finalize our dinner reservation for Saturday, I said, picking my 33 00:01:38.599 --> 00:01:40.640 words as if they were stones to hop across a river. 34 00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:43.959 Eyeric's response was muted. Let's see how this week goes. 35 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:45.959 Work is just insane. I might have to go on 36 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:50.280 Friday a beat. Then it's our anniversary, you know that right? 37 00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:54.920 He didn't meet my eyes, of course, it's just his 38 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.560 sentence trailed away and vanished into the glow of his screen, 39 00:01:58.200 --> 00:02:01.480 and never mind, I said more sharply than I intended, 40 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.239 and busied myself for full in my water bottle. There 41 00:02:04.280 --> 00:02:06.560 was no fight, just fatigue, and I made myself believe 42 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.960 I respected that, even while some small animal inside me 43 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:11.919 scratched at the bars. By midnight, I crawled into bed 44 00:02:11.960 --> 00:02:14.639 with my book waiting through the wall. I could hear 45 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:17.000 Eric's soft laugh in the rattle of keys on his laptop, 46 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:20.879 headphones on, shoulders hunched. He never brought his lap up 47 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:23.919 into bed, not even during deadline. Hell. I blinked at 48 00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:26.840 my page, the words blurring. It's nothing, he's he compressing, 49 00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:30.199 Do not spiral. I didn't sleep, while each time I drifted, 50 00:02:30.360 --> 00:02:32.439 I startled awake, thinking I heard a sound of him 51 00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:36.120 slipping out, or backwards footsteps on the hardwood. Morning arrived 52 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:38.960 too soon, The winter liked pale and uncertain. The only 53 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:41.080 sign Erik had slept at all was the indentation on 54 00:02:41.159 --> 00:02:43.560 his pillow. He was already up, pacing the kitchen, gulping 55 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.159 coffee from my favorite mug fun prop beside the toaster. 56 00:02:46.840 --> 00:02:48.800 I offered him half a bagel, and he murmured a 57 00:02:48.840 --> 00:02:51.680 distracted thanks, then fished his keys from the basket, pecked 58 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:54.159 my cheek of cold, dry lips and duck. At the door, 59 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:56.840 I found a skip bag abandoned in the hallway, sipped 60 00:02:56.840 --> 00:02:59.919 in streaked with frozen slush. Usually he left it propped 61 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.199 the cook closet, with the gear at least hot disassembled. 62 00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:04.639 I knelt to open it, planning to toss the damp 63 00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.120 things into the wash before the dancers started to smell. Inside. 64 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:11.000 The gloves and hat were thrown together, boots scoffed and cold. 65 00:03:11.639 --> 00:03:13.800 A Hotel brand of water bottle rolled out, and I 66 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.560 gathered everything in my arms, pausing when his flask tumbled free. 67 00:03:16.599 --> 00:03:20.240 One I hadn't seen before, Matt Black, subtly monoground initials 68 00:03:20.280 --> 00:03:24.039 I didn't recognize engraved on bottom a gift from a coworker, Probably, 69 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:26.560 I reasoned. I tucked it on to the shelf and 70 00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:29.360 forced myself to let the rescuer. The relief of being 71 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.680 busy got me through the morning. Beyond our living room windows, 72 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:36.080 the city exhaled its noisy Monday routine, carhorns barking one 73 00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:39.080 who was making their lips around Zochre. I usually ran 74 00:03:39.159 --> 00:03:41.000 with Eric, while at least made coffee for both of 75 00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:42.960 us before plunging into work. But to day I made 76 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:46.479 my cup alone. Scrolling absent mindedly through Instagram, I blinked 77 00:03:46.520 --> 00:03:48.840 away the strange discomfort and tried to summon memories of 78 00:03:48.840 --> 00:03:52.039 our earliest day's, little reminders of normal, the first few 79 00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:53.879 months back, when we'd bump into each other at the 80 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:56.080 Blue Cat and Jewel of a trivia shouted answers with 81 00:03:56.120 --> 00:03:59.400 competitive glee, drawing the bartender into our cross fire. I 82 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:01.879 remembered the weirdly specific bets we made to winnipick the 83 00:04:01.879 --> 00:04:04.800 brunch spot loser covered the uber, all pretexts for where 84 00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:07.479 I was talking. It had felt like discovering a missing 85 00:04:07.479 --> 00:04:09.280 half who laughed at my dumbest jokes and matched my 86 00:04:09.319 --> 00:04:12.159 stride in South Congress, teasing hands grazing, as if by 87 00:04:12.199 --> 00:04:15.560 accident we'd built something in those shared years. Seven now 88 00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:18.000 a layering of routines and closeness that made strangers of 89 00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:21.600 parties assumed we'd always been together. Our socialize mesh so 90 00:04:21.639 --> 00:04:24.040 thoroughly the friends strot We operated as a units are 91 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:27.000 and aerk, volunteering for fun runs and hosting friends coming gatherings. 92 00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:30.079 Synchronized paces of the running club shared Spotify playlists for 93 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:33.240 road trips. He thrived in the infinite energy of Austin's 94 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:36.040 start up world, always closing deals from patios or corralling 95 00:04:36.120 --> 00:04:39.720 lose acquaintances into future coal operations. My own career shift, 96 00:04:39.800 --> 00:04:42.319 leaving the base certainty of commercial real estate to freelance, 97 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:44.879 was Eric's idea. Why burn out for someone else's quota 98 00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:47.560 when you're already the most organized person I know. I 99 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:50.680 sometimes struggled to keep up with this pace. Eric's network 100 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:53.720 felt bottomless, always someone new to eat with, another conference 101 00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:56.439 or team hunt. It enchanted me and unnerved me in 102 00:04:56.519 --> 00:04:59.680 equal measure. My inscurities cropped up after I left my 103 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:01.879 office jaw the seat of my pant's client hunting made 104 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:06.279 me valley security while he collected new business cars like trophies. Still, 105 00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:09.959 our rituals grounded a Sunday brunch anniversary scavenger hunts, camping 106 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.360 on our shared birthday week at the annual open journaling night, 107 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.120 where we'd write what we loved about the last year 108 00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:17.519 together in swap pages. We had mutual friends, thick as siblings, 109 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:20.639 Julia with hoblanchier and talent for organizing chaos, being the 110 00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:23.800 most entangled in our orbit. She and Eric could overlap 111 00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:26.079 through volunteer work before meeting me, and in all the 112 00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:28.680 time I'd known her, there'd be no lines, no secrets. 113 00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:32.279 Our lives overlapped at every edge, work talk, friend talk, 114 00:05:32.439 --> 00:05:36.279 neighbor talk, running club gossip once happened to Eric's Workaholism 115 00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:38.759 sometimes classed with my craving for danteime, and we'd had 116 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:41.600 shouting matches that usually ended with apologies and a long hug. 117 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:45.240 Sometimes I was jealous of his energy, of how easily 118 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:47.800 people gathered around him, of the opportunities he never seemed 119 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:51.399 to flop. He knew that he never used it against me. 120 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:54.519 When my younger sister's marriage blew a pot after months 121 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:57.639 of covertec's messages and bowling suspicion, I'd wept and confess 122 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.000 my fears to Eric. Promise, we'll never just fake it. 123 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.240 If something's wrong, please say something. He pressed my hands 124 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:06.160 to his heart and nodded serious. He was solid. I 125 00:06:06.199 --> 00:06:08.600 truly believe that, even when my mind replayed what IF's 126 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:11.879 late at night, seeking patterns that might not exist. Still, 127 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:13.879 that Monday after the trip, there was a ripper, barely 128 00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:17.079 visible except to someone attuned to weather shifts. I asked 129 00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:19.240 Eric about the slopes while handing him his laptop bag 130 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:22.600 as he laced his shoes decent powder. Did anyone actually 131 00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:26.240 break a bone this time? He zipped up. Naw, just 132 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:29.079 the usual. Roman drank too much, Julia lost her glove. 133 00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:31.920 Ben got altitude sickness. Same as always. He rattled off, 134 00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:34.079 but his tone was clipped, and his eyes flicked past 135 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:37.279 me to the digital clock over my shoulder. No inside jokes, 136 00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:40.279 No two outrageous to be true anecdotes about coworker's tumbling 137 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:42.920 into snow banks. It was possible, I'd asked in the 138 00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:45.800 raw morning deadlines crowding him a calendar notification chining, But 139 00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:47.600 I couldn't shake the sense that our words sat on 140 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:51.079 a surface that had grown weirdly slick. Later that afternoon, 141 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:53.279 I saw it. Died bills. While waiting for a client call, 142 00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:56.160 I nearly glazed past the restaurant charge on our joint 143 00:06:56.199 --> 00:06:58.839 car at a place called Zrella on six upscale marked 144 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:01.800 at one hundred seventy eight all is seventy cents. The 145 00:07:01.879 --> 00:07:05.079 time Stump landed midday Saree. During the trip, I put 146 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:07.439 my head into Eric's office while he typed frantically. Had 147 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:10.040 fun slung around his neck. Who did you wine and 148 00:07:10.079 --> 00:07:12.480 dine at Sorella? Unusually formal after a day on the 149 00:07:12.519 --> 00:07:17.000 slopes snow. He barely glanced up. Oh that weemy, Roman 150 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:18.839 and a few from work decided to splurge on the 151 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:22.240 way back. You know those group travel splurges. I grin, teasing, 152 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:25.000 trying to show off for the out of towners. Eric 153 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:28.079 half shrugged, smiling thinly. It was just easier to let 154 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:31.399 the lightest fooks pick. Honestly, I wasn't that hungry group dynamics. 155 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:34.439 You know, the answer fit technically, except we both knew 156 00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:37.240 he found group decisions hopelessly inefficient and usually led the 157 00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:40.079 charge for drive through Tacos. I let it slide, a 158 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:42.959 post it note in my mindful Later that evening was 159 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:45.120 but club now virtual again, since two of us had 160 00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:48.319 moved cross country. Julia appeared on my screen hare in 161 00:07:48.360 --> 00:07:51.600 a messy bun bottle of malbick beside her. We gossiped 162 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:54.079 as the others faltered in discussing the trip, and fast forward. 163 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:57.600 Julia stifling a yawn, so has Eric's calf. He texted 164 00:07:57.600 --> 00:07:59.920 something cryptic about ruining his soft game with an Elfit 165 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:03.480 hot tubbed her Julia's eyes flicked sideways, then she closed 166 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:05.680 her laptop for a moment, her face vanishing into high 167 00:08:05.720 --> 00:08:08.720 deaf static square. A few minutes later, she tagged in 168 00:08:08.759 --> 00:08:11.680 the chat have to run WiFi bilipping night. Yo'll love love, 169 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:15.199 and she was gone. I stared at her message, something 170 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:19.000 about the forced chair clattering in my chest. Afterward, I rationalists, 171 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:22.959 everyone's tired, everyone's over stimulated. Julia's always got a clock 172 00:08:23.040 --> 00:08:26.120 running through her, ten things on her mind. Still, when 173 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:28.519 I brushed my teeth that night, Eric was already in bed, 174 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:31.480 arms folded over his chest, eyes fixed on whatever he 175 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:34.480 was streaming. I caught myself glancing at his phone, face 176 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:36.519 down beside him, then at the streaks of fading Town 177 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:39.000 on his wrist. I felt a hot flush of guilt 178 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:41.519 for even thinking of snooping. That's not what we do, 179 00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:44.720 I scolded myself. He deserves trust. All the little things 180 00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:48.279 add up to nothing unless you make them something. Over breakfast, 181 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:51.039 I floated the idea of an anniversary get away, nothing fancy, 182 00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:53.679 maybe a cabby near Fredericksburg or just a spaw night. 183 00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:56.559 Eric's head was buried in a sluck channel on his phone. 184 00:08:57.120 --> 00:08:58.919 Think we could swing a couple night away this year, 185 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:02.639 He scowled, not looking at me. Maybe, but let's just 186 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:05.000 keep it chill, I might. Honestly, it's just been a 187 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:09.039 lot work over the trip both, babe. I just need 188 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:11.879 a beat to catch up. Can we decide later? I nodded, 189 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:15.320 biting my tongue. The irony of croving togetherness while sitting 190 00:09:15.320 --> 00:09:17.960 three feet apart was not lost on me. That week. 191 00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:19.840 It was as if the subtle current had reversed in 192 00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:22.960 our house. Dinners were still shared, but now the conversation 193 00:09:23.039 --> 00:09:26.200 ebb been pulled around Eric's vague resistance. If I asked 194 00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:28.679 too many questions about projects at his new office, about 195 00:09:28.679 --> 00:09:31.159 who shared rides to the slopes, even about changes to 196 00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:33.559 his ten k train schedule, he'd paddle sideways with a 197 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:36.000 snarky joke, or twist the conversation toward me. You're the 198 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.639 one with three new clients. Tell me who's driving you crazy? Now? 199 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:42.279 When he did reach for affection, showlder squeezes brief half hugs, 200 00:09:42.279 --> 00:09:44.759 it felt like a performance executed just a beat too late. 201 00:09:45.440 --> 00:09:48.679 I wanted to shape myself, stop cataloging every mistime gesture. 202 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:51.840 Surely this was a rough patch after too much stimulation, 203 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:54.440 but I found myself waiting for him to say the 204 00:09:54.440 --> 00:09:56.200 thing that would set us back on track, or at 205 00:09:56.240 --> 00:09:59.159 least to act anoyd that I seemed distant. Instead, he 206 00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:01.799 offered silence, or, more often, his back bent over a 207 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:04.480 phone running. Had once been our shelter from this kind 208 00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:07.559 of static. We'd lace up, headphones off and run the 209 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:10.519 length of ladybird like and companionable silence, catching our breath 210 00:10:10.559 --> 00:10:14.000 at the far bridge, mocking each other's playlists. Now each 211 00:10:14.039 --> 00:10:16.679 morning i'd find his note heading out early. Need to 212 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:19.159 clear my head. I tiptoed to the front window and 213 00:10:19.159 --> 00:10:22.440 see him stride off, headphones clammed, body language closed, the 214 00:10:22.440 --> 00:10:25.919 rectangle of his phone visible in his hoodie pocket. On Wednesday, 215 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:28.480 I got another clear Beauty Co hotel charge, this time 216 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:31.600 in Austin time stumped. Late Thursday night, Eric had told 217 00:10:31.639 --> 00:10:33.799 me he was going to pass out early, exhausted from 218 00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:37.000 back to back strategy sessions. The charge was ninety four 219 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:39.600 dollars odd for him. When I brought it up, he 220 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:42.480 dismissed it. Oh that happy after the crew, but I 221 00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:44.720 left early. They booked us a lounge space at the condola. 222 00:10:44.840 --> 00:10:48.159 I had like two drinks. Called it. He smiled, just enough, 223 00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:51.799 work hard, pretend we still party harder. You know the script. 224 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:54.919 Later in the market for produce, I ran into Julia. 225 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:57.879 She looked up from squeezing tomatoes, and for half seconds 226 00:10:57.879 --> 00:11:01.279 seemed entirely herself. We stop to talking about mutual friends, 227 00:11:01.320 --> 00:11:04.080 about the bat avocados, and when I referenced last week's brunch, 228 00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:06.519 she darted an apologetic glance at her phone and said, 229 00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:09.120 I have to run. I'll text soon. The hug she 230 00:11:09.159 --> 00:11:12.240 gave was rigid, barely touching. I told myself she must 231 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:15.759 be hungover or resentful of her overbook schedule. Weeks earlier, 232 00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:17.840 she and Eric could spend our's planning a surprise for me, 233 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:20.879 something they whispered about, plottingless and sending me text teases 234 00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:23.960 about what to expect. There'd be none of that anticipation 235 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:27.960 this time. After Julia left, I texted Roman, safe, predictable, 236 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:30.639 always a little oblivious. How was the last night of 237 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.200 the trip any scandal I should know about? Or just 238 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:37.080 standard Shenanigan's, He replied with a burst of emojis punctuated 239 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:39.720 with Honestly, By the end, everyone had pretty much pared 240 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:41.799 off and drifted to their respective bets. I can barely 241 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.799 remember the snow card game, but it was chaos. Something 242 00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:47.559 about the phrasing and settled me, I replied, Even Lindsay, 243 00:11:47.720 --> 00:11:51.279 I didn't know she was there. Roman's reply was, oh, yeah, surprise, 244 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:53.240 you didn't know that she's fun. Thought Eric would have 245 00:11:53.240 --> 00:11:55.879 mentioned her. I tapped my phone away, the words cold 246 00:11:55.919 --> 00:11:59.279 in my hand. Later, scrolling through attacked Instagram's story on 247 00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:01.919 myze Feta grees selfie blows and laughter and firelight, I 248 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.200 noticed someone cropped at the edge next to Eric, the 249 00:12:04.279 --> 00:12:06.960 hand visible over his shoulder, the flash illuminating a band 250 00:12:07.000 --> 00:12:10.679 of copper hair. Lindsay Erick, perpetually chatty cowoker, whom I'd 251 00:12:10.679 --> 00:12:13.240 only met at parties. She had never come up as 252 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:16.639 a travel companion before. Eric Homelate dropped his keys on 253 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:20.279 the counter with practice indifference. As I grilled vegetables for dinner, 254 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:22.440 he came in from the shower, hair towel wrapped, face 255 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:25.440 ruddy as if from sunburn, not wind. I still can't 256 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.919 believe you people preferst notice, sand I joked, half hoping 257 00:12:27.960 --> 00:12:32.639 for banter. Instead, he shrugged, fiddling with his Apple Watch. Later, 258 00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:35.039 as I vacuumed under the sofa, impulse cleaning always sued 259 00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:37.399 me on anxious days. Something hot snagged in the hose. 260 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:40.320 I bent down and retrieved a rose gold hoop earring, 261 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:43.879 delicate and familiar, the kind that clickchat we'd hoasted plenty 262 00:12:43.919 --> 00:12:46.159 of gatherings in that room, but something about the ear 263 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:48.840 ring shine felt for recent. I showed it to Eric 264 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:51.360 as he shut down his lopped up that night, mystery 265 00:12:51.399 --> 00:12:54.320 guested for is this yours? He glanced at it, then 266 00:12:54.440 --> 00:12:57.519 back to the screen. Probably got left after that brunch 267 00:12:57.559 --> 00:12:59.919 with Julier in Maya. Let's be real, I barely noticed 268 00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:02.759 these things any more, but I swept under their last week. 269 00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:05.720 I just thought he cut me off, Babe. You know 270 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:08.120 how people are after one too many Paseco's. It's not 271 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:11.320 a mystery, just clutter, he grinned, But the edges were wrong, 272 00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:13.879 his voice too brisk. I dropped the ear ring on 273 00:13:13.960 --> 00:13:16.480 the entry table and sure what answer I actually wanted. 274 00:13:17.080 --> 00:13:19.559 The pattern had changed, But I doubted myself more than 275 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:22.799 I doubted Eric. My tendency to react over react, as 276 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:25.480 my mother called it, was legendary in our family. I 277 00:13:25.559 --> 00:13:28.039 reminded myself of all the reasons he deserved my trust, 278 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:31.679 all the normal explainable things about schedules, friends and parties. 279 00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:34.080 But I couldn't shake the idea that I was living 280 00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:36.440 in a version of our life that was slightly, imperceptibly 281 00:13:36.519 --> 00:13:40.399 off axis. Over days, the distance grew physical, The bed 282 00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:43.679 felt too big. Sometimes after dinner, Eric made a show 283 00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:45.759 of staying up to finish up a spreadsheet to headphones 284 00:13:45.799 --> 00:13:49.759 on gaze averted. I kept busy with work, crushing for appointments, 285 00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:52.519 but found myself watching doors for signs of movement, checking 286 00:13:52.519 --> 00:13:55.840 the ring on my finger. Feeling exposed. I started joling 287 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:58.120 late at night, scrolling down tiny oddities. The hours he 288 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:01.000 spent running alone. His weird jokes went not about his coworkers, 289 00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:04.519 the earring, the lies I was ladding myself overlook. The 290 00:14:04.600 --> 00:14:06.559 more I wrote, the more the entries ceased to resemble 291 00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:08.799 the person I thought. I was a trusting wife, yes, 292 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:12.679 but not a detective, not a conspiracist. But my pen 293 00:14:12.759 --> 00:14:15.759 kept moving. One Thursday morning, awoke with a resolve, a 294 00:14:15.799 --> 00:14:19.240 desire to force the ambiguity into clarity. At breakfast, I said, 295 00:14:19.240 --> 00:14:22.000 the earring across the table between us. I found this 296 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:24.759 under the couch. None of our friends were these do they? 297 00:14:25.559 --> 00:14:28.120 Eric looked, rolled it between his fingers, then made a face. 298 00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:31.320 Are you really going through lost and fun now? I 299 00:14:31.480 --> 00:14:34.159 just thought maybe it belonged to one of your coworkers, Lindsey. 300 00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:38.240 Maybe he stills, then exhaled with exaggerated patience. Do you 301 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.080 want to just ask me something? He sounded like he 302 00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:45.879 sinking up to something shady? Are you He rolled his eyes. God, Sarah, No, 303 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:47.679 it's just been a weird month at work, and I 304 00:14:47.759 --> 00:14:49.639 honestly I let loose too much on the trip. We 305 00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:52.399 played musical beds that last night, every one was swapping rooms, 306 00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:54.720 drinking weight too much. When not twenty one any more, 307 00:14:54.799 --> 00:14:56.720 I woke up with a hangover and maybe maybe someone 308 00:14:56.759 --> 00:14:59.639 dropped that earring. That's it. I tried not to let 309 00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:03.000 my relie sound too obvious. So you just avoided talking 310 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:05.600 to me about it because you felt childish? He grinned. 311 00:15:05.639 --> 00:15:08.879 Sheepish now sort of embarrassed. I guessed, if you want 312 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:11.639 to check my texts, go ahead. But nothing happened, Babe, 313 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:14.399 I promise his words and did the not in my chest, 314 00:15:14.480 --> 00:15:17.960 if only partially. Over the next few days, things felt easier. 315 00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:21.360 Eric scheduled at dinner impromptu, but with all the trappings 316 00:15:21.399 --> 00:15:24.600 of what made us work jokes matching cocktails a competitive 317 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:27.000 game of dots in the bar. After, for the first 318 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:29.480 time in weeks of the tension seemed to melt, replaced 319 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:31.799 by batful humor about being old thoughts in a young 320 00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:35.679 man's profession. He even started planning an anniversary brunch, suggesting 321 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:38.639 a new spot i'd wanted to try. Julia texted me 322 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:40.759 a funny meme, and the chap returned at least a 323 00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:43.679 little to normal. But anxiety is a living thing, a 324 00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.039 weed and of cracks, and my mind kept tracing back 325 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:48.720 over our stories, finding small bits that didn't quite fit. 326 00:15:49.360 --> 00:15:51.120 A few days later, I met a new client a 327 00:15:51.159 --> 00:15:54.159 cuff shop downtown. It was mid morning, the background hum 328 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:56.919 of espresso machines and conversation making it hard to focus. 329 00:15:57.559 --> 00:16:00.000 I'd I've finished my meeting and started to gather my things. 330 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:02.879 I heard a familiar voice behind me, Julia, talking urrogantly 331 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:05.879 into her phone at table near the window. No listen, 332 00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:07.679 you promised she would never find out. That was the 333 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:10.440 only reason I went along. She turned and saw me, 334 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:14.080 her eyes widening with something between dread and apology. I hesitated, 335 00:16:14.120 --> 00:16:16.120 waiting for her to wave me over, but she quickly 336 00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:18.639 looked away. Hunching over her coffee, dropping her voice to 337 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:21.960 hurried whisper, cold shot through me, spined to finger tips. 338 00:16:22.600 --> 00:16:25.000 For the rest of the day, I replayed Julia's words, 339 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:28.720 wondering was she talking about me, about Eric, or was 340 00:16:28.759 --> 00:16:32.320 this just another fit of my imagination assembling unrelated fragments. 341 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:35.720 That night, Eric brought home take out, chatting cheerfully about 342 00:16:35.720 --> 00:16:38.360 an upcoming board game night. He asked if I wanted 343 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:40.279 to go, and I mumbled an excuse about needing to 344 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:43.320 catch up on emails. We ate on the sofa, grazing 345 00:16:43.320 --> 00:16:46.279 at box noodles while half watching a movie. Maybe this 346 00:16:46.440 --> 00:16:49.720 was our normal now, I thought, maybe suspicion, too, could 347 00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:52.840 become a routine. Later, I set about cleaning the kitchen. 348 00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:56.039 I wiped down the counters, stack dishes, and opened one 349 00:16:56.039 --> 00:16:58.000 of the lower cabinets to discover a stack of empty 350 00:16:58.039 --> 00:17:00.960 wine bottles, more than I remembered drinking these past couple weeks. 351 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.359 We weren't big drinkers. I hesitated, uncertain whether to chalk 352 00:17:05.400 --> 00:17:07.839 it up to parties or something else. I snapped the 353 00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:09.920 photo on my phone and closed the cabinet, breathing a 354 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:13.759 little faster. The next afternoon, determined to get a context. 355 00:17:13.799 --> 00:17:17.079 I tried texting Julia, let's grab coffee, No gender, just 356 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:20.599 miss your face, she answered hours later, crazy busy this week, 357 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:23.480 let's rain check cool. I tried to let it drop, 358 00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:26.920 but something in her distance nod. Instead. I went digging 359 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:29.119 through my own phone for group messages from during the trip. 360 00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:31.839 I couldn't find the one Eric had mentioned briefly, the 361 00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:35.119 snokeout game, the showdown at the ski cabin. I scrolled 362 00:17:35.160 --> 00:17:38.759 through chad after chat, but the night in question was blank. Disturbed, 363 00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:40.759 I checked Eric's laptop, the one he been glued to 364 00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:42.960 since the trip, but found nothing but spreadsheets and open 365 00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:45.960 tabs with tet blocks. His phone was always on him, 366 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.960 never left alone any more. My knee theory, formed late 367 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:50.960 at night in the darkness, was the I'd let jealousy 368 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:53.880 morph into delusion. Maybe there was nothing concrete, only hurtful 369 00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:57.000 evidence of how quickly we could drift apart. Maybe Julia's 370 00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:58.880 words had nothing to do with me at all, and 371 00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:01.519 Eric really was just much thin at work, embarrassed by 372 00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:04.599 week end debauchery. Maybe the earring, the hotel bill, the 373 00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:06.839 crotched Instagram shot were all chess pieces in the game. 374 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:09.759 I was inventing out of boredom, fear, or habit. But 375 00:18:09.839 --> 00:18:12.720 the tension didn't let go. If anything, it seemed to 376 00:18:12.759 --> 00:18:14.680 be coooning every part of my life with their cost 377 00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:18.200 shed Spotify recommendations, our half finished Crosswood puzzles, the in 378 00:18:18.279 --> 00:18:22.160 jouk stalling or dying mad sentence. On Saturday, when I 379 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:24.160 ran into my Er outside the co op, I asked 380 00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:27.440 her about the trip, feigning curiosity about mountain views. I 381 00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:29.640 saw your story looked like a blast. Lindsey seemed to 382 00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:31.960 be having fun too. Didn't realize she made it up. 383 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:35.359 There may shot me a quizzical look. You didn't know 384 00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:37.559 She and Air Corps like the last two at the 385 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:39.440 bar that night. They didn't come to the car game, 386 00:18:39.480 --> 00:18:43.160 did their own thing. I guess my stomach twisted. I 387 00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:46.240 laughed too loudly, changed the subject, and quickly excused myself 388 00:18:46.279 --> 00:18:49.400 to go pay for groceries. Back home, the house was silent. 389 00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:53.119 I wandered from room to room, pretending to tidy, stealing 390 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:55.880 myself for what I might do next. I was tired 391 00:18:55.880 --> 00:18:57.480 of feeling like a stranger in the place I had 392 00:18:57.480 --> 00:19:00.720 worked to make comfortable mine. I remembered Orck's comment, if 393 00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:02.880 you want to check my ticks. Go ahead and try it, 394 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:05.680 but he changed his passwords since the trip, not a 395 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:08.319 sign of guilt. Necessarily, he'd done it before, after a 396 00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:11.440 fishing scare at his office. Still it didn't suit me. 397 00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:14.519 On Monday, as I was prepping for an afternoon showing, 398 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.640 Eric bustled in, chatting on his bluetooth therapiece. Hyeh yeah, 399 00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:20.920 I'll send the draft by five, Lindy, just make sure 400 00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:24.160 you see Roman. Okay, great, yeah, I'm here now. He 401 00:19:24.279 --> 00:19:26.400