WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:06.759 Second Sight by Allan Edward Nourse. Note the following excerpts 2 00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:10.599 from Amy Balentine's journal have never actually been written down 3 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:14.400 at any time before. Her account of impressions and events 4 00:00:14.640 --> 00:00:17.640 has been kept in organized fashion in her mind for 5 00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:20.920 at least nine years. Even she is not certain when 6 00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:25.399 she started. But it must be understood that certain inaccuracies 7 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:28.640 in transcription could not possibly have been avoided in the 8 00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:36.399 excerpting attempted here the editor. Tuesday, sixteenth May. Lambertson got 9 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:39.880 back from Boston about two this afternoon. He was tired. 10 00:00:40.399 --> 00:00:43.960 I don't think I've ever seen Lambertson so tired. It 11 00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:48.880 was more than just exhaustion, too, maybe anger, frustration. I 12 00:00:48.920 --> 00:00:52.920 couldn't be sure. It seemed more like defeat than anything else. 13 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:55.719 And he went straight from the copter to his office, 14 00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:59.119 without even stopping off at the lab at all. It's 15 00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:01.759 good to have him back, though, not that I haven't 16 00:01:01.799 --> 00:01:05.400 had a nice enough rest With Lambertson gone. Dagon took 17 00:01:05.439 --> 00:01:08.359 over the reins for the week, but Dacon doesn't really count, 18 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:11.319 poor man. It's such a temptation to twist him up 19 00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:13.439 and get him all confused that I didn't do any 20 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:16.920 real work all week. With Lambertson back, I'll have to 21 00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:19.599 get down to the grind again. But I'm still glad 22 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:22.359 he's here. I never thought i'd miss him so for 23 00:01:22.439 --> 00:01:25.719 such a short time away. But I wish he'd gotten 24 00:01:25.719 --> 00:01:28.879 a rest, if he ever rests. And I wish I 25 00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:31.120 knew why he went to Boston in the first place. 26 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:34.840 Certainly he didn't want to go. I wanted to read 27 00:01:34.920 --> 00:01:37.439 him and find out, but I don't think I'm supposed 28 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:41.040 to know yet. Lambertson didn't want to talk. He didn't 29 00:01:41.040 --> 00:01:43.519 even tell me he was back, even though he knew 30 00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:46.480 i'd catch him five miles down the road. I can 31 00:01:46.519 --> 00:01:49.599 do that now. With Lambertson, distance doesn't seem to make 32 00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:52.599 so much difference anymore if I just ignore it. So 33 00:01:52.760 --> 00:01:55.159 all I got was bits and snatches on the surface 34 00:01:55.200 --> 00:01:59.280 of his mind, something about me and doctor Custer, and 35 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:03.280 enough sty little man called Erins or Barons or something. 36 00:02:03.799 --> 00:02:06.000 I've heard of him somewhere, but I can't pin it 37 00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:08.840 down right now. I'll have to dig that out later, 38 00:02:08.919 --> 00:02:12.479 I guess. But if he saw doctor Custer, why doesn't 39 00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:18.719 he tell me about it? Wednesday, seventeenth May, it was 40 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:22.240 Errands that he saw in Boston, and now I'm sure 41 00:02:22.280 --> 00:02:26.159 that something's going wrong. I know that man. I remember 42 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:28.639 him from a long time ago, back when I was 43 00:02:28.680 --> 00:02:31.280 still at Bairdsley, long before I came here to the 44 00:02:31.319 --> 00:02:35.280 Study Center. He was the consulting psychiatrist, and I don't 45 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:37.719 think I could ever forget him even if I tried. 46 00:02:38.560 --> 00:02:41.960 That's why I'm sure something very unpleasant is going on. 47 00:02:42.960 --> 00:02:46.599 Lambertson saw Doctor Custer, too, but the directors sent him 48 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:49.800 to Boston because Erons wanted to talk to him. I 49 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:52.719 wasn't supposed to know anything about it, but Lambertson came 50 00:02:52.800 --> 00:02:55.360 down to dinner last night. He wouldn't even look at me. 51 00:02:55.479 --> 00:02:58.719 The skunk I fixed him. I told him I was 52 00:02:58.759 --> 00:03:00.680 going to peak, and then I read him in a 53 00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:03.280 flash before he could shift his mind to Boston traffic 54 00:03:03.400 --> 00:03:07.599 or something. He knows I can't stand traffic. I only 55 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:10.159 picked up a little, but it was enough. There was 56 00:03:10.199 --> 00:03:13.159 something very unpleasant that Erins had said that I couldn't 57 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:17.159 quite get. They were in his office. Lambertson had said, 58 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:19.800 I don't think she's ready for it, and I'd never 59 00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:22.000 try to talk her into it at this point. Why 60 00:03:22.080 --> 00:03:24.000 can't you people get it through your heads that she's 61 00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.639 a child and a human being, not some kind of 62 00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:30.439 laboratory animal. That's been the trouble all along. Everybody has 63 00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:33.000 been so eager to grab, and nobody has given her 64 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:37.560 a wretched thing. In return, Erin's was smooth, very sad, 65 00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:41.800 and reproachful. I got a clear picture of him, short, balding, 66 00:03:41.960 --> 00:03:46.039 mean little eyes in a smug, self righteous little face. Michael, 67 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:49.439 After all, she's twenty three years old. She's certainly out 68 00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:52.599 of diapers by now, but she's only had two years 69 00:03:52.599 --> 00:03:56.439 of training aimed at teaching her anything. Well, there's no 70 00:03:56.560 --> 00:04:00.000 reason that that should stop, Is there be reasonable, Michael. 71 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:03.000 We certainly agree that you've done a wonderful job with 72 00:04:03.080 --> 00:04:06.240 the girl, and naturally you're sensitive about others working with her. 73 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.479 But when you consider that public taxes are footing the bill, 74 00:04:10.159 --> 00:04:14.080 I'm sensitive about others exploiting her. That's all I tell you. 75 00:04:14.199 --> 00:04:16.360 I won't push her, and I wouldn't let her come 76 00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:18.680 up here even if she agreed to do it. She 77 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:21.519 shouldn't be tampered with for another year or two at least. 78 00:04:22.079 --> 00:04:26.000 Lambertson was angry and bitter. Now three days later, he 79 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:29.360 was still angry, and you're certain that your concern is 80 00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:35.279 entirely professional. Whatever Errans meant, it wasn't nice. Lambertson caught it, 81 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:39.720 and oh my charts slapped down on the table, door slamming, 82 00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:44.600 swearing from mild patient Lambertson, can you imagine? And then later, 83 00:04:44.839 --> 00:04:48.519 no more anger, just discussed and defeat. That was what 84 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:51.759 hit me when he came back yesterday. He couldn't hide it, 85 00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:55.959 no matter how he tried. Well, no wonder he was tired. 86 00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:59.319 I remember Erin's all right. He wasn't so interested in 87 00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:02.199 me back in the days. Wild one, he called me. 88 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:04.879 We haven't the time, more the people to handle anything 89 00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:07.680 like this in a public institution. We have to handle 90 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:10.519 her the way we'd handle any other defective. She may 91 00:05:10.519 --> 00:05:13.680 be a plus defective instead of a minus defective, but 92 00:05:13.720 --> 00:05:15.720 she's as cripple as if she were deaf and blind. 93 00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:19.639 Good old Errands. That was years ago, when I was 94 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:23.639 barely thirteen, before doctor Custer got interested and started off 95 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.959 thaumoscoping me and testing me, before I'd even heard of 96 00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:30.480 Lambertson or the Study Center, for that matter, before anybody 97 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:32.639 had done anything but feed me and treat me like 98 00:05:32.720 --> 00:05:36.399 some kind of peculiar animal or something. Well, I'm glad 99 00:05:36.439 --> 00:05:38.439 it was Lambertson that went to Boston and not me, 100 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:41.399 for Aaron's sake. And if Aarons tries to come down 101 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.759 here to work with me, he's going to be wasting 102 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:47.439 his time because I'll lead him all around Robin Hood's 103 00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:50.759 barn and get him so confused he'll wish he'd stayed home. 104 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.240 But I can't help but wonder just the same, am 105 00:05:55.279 --> 00:05:58.319 I a cripple? Like Aaron said? Does being sy hi 106 00:05:58.519 --> 00:06:01.800 mean that? I? I don't think so. But what does 107 00:06:01.879 --> 00:06:06.160 Lambertson think? Sometimes when I try to read Lambertson, I'm 108 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:08.959 the one that gets confused. I wish I could tell 109 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:14.519 what he really thinks. Wednesday night, I asked Lambertson tonight 110 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:17.319 what doctor Custer had said. He wants to see you 111 00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:19.879 next week. He told me, But Amy, he didn't make 112 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:23.800 any promises. He wasn't even hopeful. But his letter, he 113 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.839 said the studies showed that there wasn't any anatomical defect. 114 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:30.319 Lambertson leaned back and lit his pipe, shaking his head 115 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:33.920 at me. He's aged ten years this past week. Everybody 116 00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:36.399 thinks so he's lost weight. And he looks as if 117 00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:39.480 he hasn't slept at all. Custer's afraid that it isn't 118 00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:42.600 a question of anatomy amy. But what is it then, 119 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:46.120 For heaven's sake, he doesn't know. He says it's not 120 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:49.120 very scientific. But it may just be that what you 121 00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:53.519 don't use, you lose. Oh but that's silly. I chewed 122 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:57.680 my lip, granted, but he thinks that there's a chance. 123 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:01.160 Of course there's a chance, and you know he'll do 124 00:07:01.240 --> 00:07:03.879 everything he can. It's just that neither of us wants 125 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:07.160 you to get your hopes up. It wasn't much, but 126 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:10.959 it was something. Lambertson looked so beat. I didn't have 127 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:13.519 the heart to ask him what Erin's wanted, even though 128 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:15.439 I know he'd like to get it off his chest. 129 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:19.759 Maybe tomorrow will be better. I spent the day with 130 00:07:19.879 --> 00:07:22.000 Charlie Dakon in the lab and did a little work 131 00:07:22.040 --> 00:07:25.519 for a change. I've been disgustingly lazy, and poor Charley 132 00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:29.040 thinks it's all his fault. Charlie reads like twenty point 133 00:07:29.079 --> 00:07:31.680 type ninety percent of the time, and I'm afraid he 134 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:34.519 knows it. I can tell just exactly when he stops 135 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:37.079 paying attention to business and starts paying attention to me, 136 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:40.199 and then all of a sudden he realizes I'm reading him, 137 00:07:40.199 --> 00:07:42.319 and it flusters him for the rest of the day. 138 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:45.759 I wonder, why does he really think I'm shocked or 139 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:50.160 surprised or insulted? Poor Charlie. I guess I must be 140 00:07:50.199 --> 00:07:52.720 good enough looking. I can read it from almost every 141 00:07:52.759 --> 00:07:55.639 fellow that comes near me. I wonder why, I mean, 142 00:07:55.839 --> 00:07:58.480 why me and not Marjorie over in the main office. 143 00:07:58.839 --> 00:08:01.279 She's a sweet girl, but she never gets a second 144 00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:04.519 look from the guys. There must be some fine differential 145 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.360 point I'm missing somewhere, but I don't think I'll ever 146 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:10.759 understand it. I'm not going to press Lambertson, but I 147 00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:13.959 hope he opens up tomorrow. He's got me scared silly 148 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:16.480 by now. He has a lot of authority around here, 149 00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:18.800 but other people are paying the bills, and when he's 150 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:23.639 frightened about something, it can't help but frighten me. Thursday, 151 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:27.160 eighteenth May, we went back to reaction testing in the 152 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:30.600 lab with Lambertson to day. That study is almost finished, 153 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:32.879 as much as anything I work on as ever finished, 154 00:08:32.919 --> 00:08:36.240 which isn't very much. This test had two goals to 155 00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.000 clock my stimulus response pattern in comparison to normals, and 156 00:08:40.039 --> 00:08:42.399 to find out just exactly when I pick up any 157 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:45.320 given thought signal from the person I'm reading. It isn't 158 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:48.480 a matter of developing speed. I'm already so fast to 159 00:08:48.559 --> 00:08:51.799 respond that it doesn't mean too much from anybody else's standpoint, 160 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:55.159 and I certainly don't need any training there. But where 161 00:08:55.279 --> 00:08:57.440 along the line do I pick up a thought impulse? 162 00:08:57.759 --> 00:09:00.200 Do I catch it at its inception? Do do I 163 00:09:00.200 --> 00:09:03.440 pick up the thought formulation or just the final crystallized pattern. 164 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:06.600 Lambertson thinks I'm with it right from the start, and 165 00:09:06.679 --> 00:09:09.360 that some training in those lines would be worth my time. 166 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:13.120 Of course, we didn't find out, not even with the 167 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:16.879 ingenious little random firing device that Dakin designed for the study. 168 00:09:17.399 --> 00:09:20.519 With this gadget, neither Lambertson nor I know what impulse 169 00:09:20.519 --> 00:09:22.600 the box is going to throw at him. He just 170 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:26.120 throws a switch and it starts coming. He catches it, reacts, 171 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:29.080 I catch it from him and react, and we compare 172 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:32.279 reaction times. This afternoon, it had us driving up a 173 00:09:32.360 --> 00:09:35.000 hill and send a ten ton truck rolling down on 174 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:37.879 us out of control. I had my flasher on two 175 00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:41.120 seconds before Lambertson did, of course, but our reaction times 176 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:44.240 are standardized, so when we corrected for my extra speed, 177 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.600 we knew that I must have caught the impulse about 178 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:50.720 zero point zero seven seconds after he did. Crude, of course, 179 00:09:50.919 --> 00:09:53.720 not nearly fast enough, and we can't reproduce on a 180 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:57.200 stable basis. Lambertson says, that's as close as we can 181 00:09:57.200 --> 00:09:59.960 get without cortical probes. And that's where I put my 182 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:02.320 foot down. I may have a gold mine in this 183 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:04.759 head of mine, but nobody is going to bur holes 184 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:07.120 through my skull in order to tap it. Not for 185 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:11.159 a while. Yet. That's unfair, of course, because it sounds 186 00:10:11.159 --> 00:10:13.559 as if Lambertson were trying to force me into something, 187 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.200 and he isn't. I've read him about that, and I 188 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:19.600 know he wouldn't allow it. Let's learn everything else we 189 00:10:19.639 --> 00:10:22.480 can learn without it first, he says. Later, if you 190 00:10:22.600 --> 00:10:25.159 want to go along with it, maybe, but right now 191 00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:29.440 you're not competent to decide for yourself. He may be right, 192 00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:32.120 but why not? Why does he keep acting as if 193 00:10:32.120 --> 00:10:35.480 I'm a child? Am I really? With everything and I 194 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:38.360 mean everything coming into my mind for the past twenty 195 00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:41.759 three years, haven't I learned enough to make decisions for myself. 196 00:10:42.519 --> 00:10:45.559 Lambertson says, of course everything has been coming up. It's 197 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:47.399 just that I don't know what to do with it all. 198 00:10:47.720 --> 00:10:49.840 But somewhere along the line, I have to reach a 199 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:54.159 maturation point of some kind. It scares me sometimes because 200 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:56.159 I can't find an answer to it, and the answer 201 00:10:56.279 --> 00:10:59.720 might be perfectly horrible. I don't know where it may end. 202 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:02.879 What's worse, I don't know what point it is reached 203 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.159 right now? How much difference is there between my mind 204 00:11:06.200 --> 00:11:10.519 and Lambertson's. I'm cy high and he isn't, granted, But 205 00:11:10.679 --> 00:11:13.320 is there more to it than that? People like Erons 206 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:16.399 think so. They think it's a difference between human function 207 00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:20.039 and something else, And that scares me because it just 208 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:23.919 isn't true. I'm as human as anybody else. But somehow 209 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:25.919 it seems that I'm the one who has to prove it. 210 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:29.399 I wonder if I ever will. That's why doctor Custer 211 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:32.679 has to help me. Everything hangs on that. I'm to 212 00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:35.480 go up to Boston next week for final studies and testing. 213 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:39.080 If doctor Custer can do something, what a difference that 214 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:41.240 will make. Maybe then I could get out of this 215 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:44.240 whole frightening mess. Put it behind me and forget about 216 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:46.720 it with just the sigh alone. I don't think I 217 00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:53.480 ever can. Friday, nineteenth May to day, Lambertson broke down 218 00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:56.000 and told me what it was that Erons had been proposing. 219 00:11:56.480 --> 00:11:59.000 It was worse than I thought it would be. The man. 220 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:00.919 It hit on the one thing I'd been afraid of 221 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:04.559 for so long. He wants you to work against normals, 222 00:12:04.600 --> 00:12:08.879 Lambertson said. He swallowed the latency hypothesis whole. He thinks 223 00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:11.720 that everybody must have a latent side potential, and that 224 00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:13.799 all that is needed to drag it into the open 225 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:18.159 is a powerful stimulus from someone with full blown side powers. Well, 226 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:22.360 I said, do you think so? Who knows? Lambertson slammed 227 00:12:22.360 --> 00:12:25.480 his pencil down on the desk angrily. No, I don't 228 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:27.840 think so. But what does that mean? Not a thing. 229 00:12:28.039 --> 00:12:31.080 It certainly doesn't mean. I'm right. Nobody knows the answer, 230 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:34.519 not me, nor Errands nor anybody, and Erins wants to 231 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:39.080 use you to find out. I nodded slowly. I see, 232 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:41.480 so I'm to be used as a sort of refined 233 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:45.399 electrical stimulator. I said, Well, I guess you know what 234 00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:48.639 you can tell Errands. He was silent and I couldn't 235 00:12:48.679 --> 00:12:51.919 read him. Then he looked up. Amy. I'm not sure 236 00:12:51.960 --> 00:12:55.240 we can tell him that I stared at him. You 237 00:12:55.320 --> 00:12:58.679 mean you think he could force me. He says, you're 238 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:01.159 a public charge that as long as you have to 239 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:03.480 be supported and cared for, they have the right to 240 00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:06.679 use your faculties. He's right on the first point. You 241 00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:09.960 are a public charge. You have to be sheltered and protected. 242 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:12.799 If you wandered so much as a mile outside these walls, 243 00:13:12.879 --> 00:13:16.720 you'd never survive. And you know it. I sat stunned, 244 00:13:17.320 --> 00:13:21.039 but doctor Custer. Doctor Custer is trying to help, but 245 00:13:21.080 --> 00:13:23.960 he hasn't succeeded so far. If he can, then it 246 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:27.000 will be a different story. But I can't stall much longer. 247 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:30.759 Amy Erin's has a powerful argument. You're sy High. You're 248 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.879 the first full fledged, wide open, free wheeling sy High 249 00:13:33.879 --> 00:13:38.559 that's ever appeared in human history. The first others in 250 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.559 the past have shown potential, maybe, but nothing they could 251 00:13:41.559 --> 00:13:45.360 ever learn to control. You've got control. You're fully developed. 252 00:13:45.559 --> 00:13:48.960 You're here, and you're the only one there is. So 253 00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:52.080 I happen to be unlucky. I snapped, My genes got 254 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:55.759 mixed up. That's not true when you know it. Lambertson said, 255 00:13:56.159 --> 00:13:59.039 we know your chromosomes better than your face. They're the 256 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:02.159 same as anyone else. Eulses. There's no gene difference, none 257 00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:04.919 at all. When you're gone, you'll be gone, and there's 258 00:14:04.919 --> 00:14:07.000 no reason to think that your children will have any 259 00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:10.919 more sigh potential than Charlie Dakin has. Something was building 260 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:13.279 up in me then that I couldn't control any longer. 261 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:16.559 You think I should go along with Erinds, I said, Dolly, 262 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:20.759 He hesitated. I'm afraid you're going to have to sooner 263 00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:24.120 or later. Erin's has some latence up in Boston. He's 264 00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:27.320 certain that they're latents. He's talked to the directors down here. 265 00:14:27.639 --> 00:14:29.759 He's convinced them that you could work with his people, 266 00:14:29.879 --> 00:14:31.919 draw them out. You could open the door to a 267 00:14:31.919 --> 00:14:35.720 whole new world for human beings. I lost my temper then. 268 00:14:36.200 --> 00:14:38.840 It wasn't just Erins or Lambertson or Dacon or any 269 00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:41.639 of the others. It was all of them, dozens of them, 270 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:45.679 compounded year upon year upon year. Now listen to me 271 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:48.240 for a minute, I said, have any of you ever 272 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:51.799 considered what I wanted in this thing? Ever? Have any 273 00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:55.440 of you given that one single thought, just once, one time, 274 00:14:55.480 --> 00:14:57.639 when you were so sick of thinking great thoughts for 275 00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:01.080 humanity that you let another thought lead through. Have you 276 00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:03.559 ever thought about what kind of a shuffle I've had 277 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:06.159 since all this started? Well you'd better think about it 278 00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:10.120 right now. Amy, You know I don't want to push you. 279 00:15:11.159 --> 00:15:13.799 Listen to me, Lambertson. My folks got rid of me 280 00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:15.960 fast when they found out about me. Did you know 281 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:19.279 that they hated me because I scared them? It didn't 282 00:15:19.320 --> 00:15:21.440 hurt me too much because I thought I knew why 283 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:24.200 they hated me. I could understand it, and I went 284 00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:27.120 off to Bairdsley without even crying. They were going to 285 00:15:27.159 --> 00:15:29.200 come see me every week, But do you know how 286 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:32.039 often they managed to make it? Not once? After I 287 00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:35.600 was off their hands. And then at Bairdsley, Aarons examined 288 00:15:35.639 --> 00:15:38.360 me and decided that I was a cripple. He didn't 289 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:40.679 know anything about me then, but he thought SI was 290 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:43.159 a defect. And that was as far as it went. 291 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:45.600 I did what Erin's wanted me to do at Bairdsley, 292 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:48.919 never what I wanted, just what they wanted, years and 293 00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:51.840 years of what they wanted. And then you came along, 294 00:15:52.039 --> 00:15:54.000 and I came to the study center and did what 295 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:57.960 you wanted. It hurt him, and I knew it. I 296 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:00.159 guess that was what I wanted, to hurt him and 297 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:04.759 to hurt everybody. He was shaking his head, staring at me, Amy, 298 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:07.840 be fair. I've tried, you know how hard. I've tried. 299 00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:12.240 Tried what to train me? Yes, but why to give 300 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.600 me better use of my sy faculties? Yes? But why 301 00:16:15.759 --> 00:16:17.919 did you do it for me? Is that really why 302 00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:20.600 you did it? Or was that just another phony front 303 00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:22.759 like all the rest of them, in order to use me, 304 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:25.399 to make me a little more valuable to have around. 305 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:29.360 He slapped my face so hard it jolted me. I 306 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:31.639 could feel the awful pain and hurt in his mind 307 00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:34.200 as he stared at me, and I sensed the stinging 308 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:36.399 in his palm that matched the burning in my cheek. 309 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.600 And then something fell away in his mind and I 310 00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:43.360 saw something I had never seen before. He loved me. 311 00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:48.200 That man? Incredible, isn't it? He loved me me who 312 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:51.679 couldn't call him anything but Lambertson, who couldn't imagine calling 313 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:55.279 him Michael, to say nothing of Mike, just Lambertson, who 314 00:16:55.320 --> 00:16:58.559 did this, or Lambertson who thought that, but he could 315 00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:02.519 never tell me. He had decided that I was too helpless. 316 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:05.640 I needed him too much. I needed love, but not 317 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:08.720 the kind of love Lambertson wanted to give. So that 318 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:13.279 kind of love had to be hidden, concealed, suppressed. I 319 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:16.799 needed the deepest imaginable understanding. But it had to be 320 00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:21.240 utterly unselfish understanding. Anything else would be taking advantage of me. 321 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:24.240 So a barrier had to be built, a barrier that 322 00:17:24.279 --> 00:17:27.000 I should never penetrate, and that he should never be 323 00:17:27.079 --> 00:17:31.519 tempted to break down. Lambertson had done that for me. 324 00:17:32.359 --> 00:17:35.880 It was all there, suddenly, so overwhelming it made me 325 00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:40.240 gasp from the impact. I wanted to throw my arms 326 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:43.359 around him. Instead, I sat down in the chair, shaking 327 00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:47.559 my head helplessly. I hated myself then. I had hated 328 00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:51.359 myself before, but never like this. If I could only 329 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:54.960 go somewhere, I said, some place where nobody knew me, 330 00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:57.559 where I could just live by myself for a while 331 00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:59.680 and shut the doors and shut out the thoughts and 332 00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:03.720 pretty tend for a while, just pretend that I'm perfectly normal. 333 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:07.920 I wish you could, Lambertson said, but you can't, you 334 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:11.880 know that, not unless Custer can really help. We sat 335 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:15.319 there for a while. Then I said, let Erins come down, 336 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:18.079 let him bring anybody he wants with him. I'll do 337 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:22.720 what he wants until I see Custer. That hurt, too, 338 00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:25.519 but it was different. It hurt both of us together, 339 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:29.079 not separately any more, And somehow it didn't hurt so 340 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:35.759 much that way. Monday, twenty second May Erins drove down 341 00:18:35.799 --> 00:18:38.400 from Boston this morning with a girl named Mary Bolton, 342 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:41.359 and we went to work. I think I'm beginning to 343 00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:44.160 understand how a dog can tell when someone wants to 344 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:47.200 kick him and doesn't quite dare. I could feel the 345 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.519 back of my neck prickle when that man walked into 346 00:18:49.559 --> 00:18:52.480 the conference room. I was hoping he might have changed 347 00:18:52.519 --> 00:18:55.279 since the last time I saw him. He hadn't, but 348 00:18:55.400 --> 00:18:58.640 I had. I wasn't afraid of him any more, just 349 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:01.880 awfully tired of him after he'd been here about ten minutes. 350 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:05.480 But that girl, I wonder what sort of story he 351 00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:08.480 told her. She couldn't have been more than sixteen, and 352 00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.759 she was terrorized. At first, I thought it was Errands 353 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:14.759 she was afraid of, but that wasn't so it was 354 00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:18.240 me It took us all morning just to get around that. 355 00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:21.559 The poor girl could hardly make herself talk. She was 356 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.480 shaking all over when they arrived. We took a walk 357 00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:27.200 around the grounds alone, and I read her bit by bit, 358 00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:30.960 a feeler here, a planted suggestion there, just getting her 359 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:34.000 used to the idea and trying to reassure her. After 360 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:37.359 a while, she was smiling. She thought the lagoon was lovely, 361 00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:39.440 and by the time we got back to the main building, 362 00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:43.640 she was laughing, talking about herself, beginning to relax. Then 363 00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:46.400 I gave her a full blast, quickly, only a moment 364 00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:49.720 or two. Don't be afraid. I hate him, yes, but 365 00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:52.319 I won't hurt you for anything. Let me come in, 366 00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:54.559 don't fight me. We've got to work as a team. 367 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:58.720 It shook her. She turned white and almost passed out 368 00:19:58.720 --> 00:20:02.039 for a moment. Then she she nodded slowly. I see, 369 00:20:02.079 --> 00:20:06.319 she said, it feels as if it's way inside, deep inside. 370 00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:11.240 That's right, it won't hurt I promise. She nodded again. 371 00:20:11.799 --> 00:20:14.079 Let's go back now. I think I'm ready to try. 372 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.079 We went to work. I was as blind as she 373 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:21.039 was at first. There was nothing there at first, not 374 00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:25.319 even a flicker of brightness, then probing deeper. Something responded 375 00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:30.039 only a hint, a suggestion of something powerful, deep and hidden. 376 00:20:30.440 --> 00:20:33.880 But where what was her strength? Where was she weak? 377 00:20:34.359 --> 00:20:38.160 I couldn't tell. We started on dice, crude, of course, 378 00:20:38.279 --> 00:20:40.519 but as good a tool as any. Dice are no 379 00:20:40.599 --> 00:20:43.319 good for measuring anything, But that was why I was there. 380 00:20:43.920 --> 00:20:47.400 I was the measuring instrument. The dice were only reactors 381 00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:51.799 sensitive enough two balsam cubes tossed from a box with 382 00:20:51.880 --> 00:20:55.680 only gravity to work against. I showed her first, picked 383 00:20:55.720 --> 00:20:58.200 up her mind as the dice popped out, led her 384 00:20:58.200 --> 00:21:01.599 through it. Take one at a time, the red one first, 385 00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:05.319 work on it. See now we try both once more? 386 00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:09.799 Watch it all right? Now? She sat frozen in the chair. 387 00:21:10.359 --> 00:21:13.200 She was trying. The sweat stood out on her forehead. 388 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.559 Eron sat tense, smoking, his fingers twitching as he watched 389 00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:20.319 the red and green cubes bounce on the white backdrop. 390 00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:23.720 Lambertson watched too, but his eyes were on the girl, 391 00:21:23.880 --> 00:21:28.279 not on the cubes. It was hard work. Bit by bit, 392 00:21:28.440 --> 00:21:30.839 she began to grab whatever I had felt in her 393 00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:34.440 mind seemed to leap up. I probed her, amplifying it, 394 00:21:34.599 --> 00:21:37.279 trying to draw it out It was like wading through 395 00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:41.759 knee deep mud, sticky, sluggish, resisting. I could feel her 396 00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:45.000 excitement growing, and bit by bit I released my grip, 397 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:49.319 easing her out, baiting her. All right, I said, that's enough. 398 00:21:50.200 --> 00:21:52.920 She turned to me, wide eyed. I I did it. 399 00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:59.079 Erin's was on his feet, breathing heavily. It worked. It worked, 400 00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:02.000 not very well well, but it's there. All she needs 401 00:22:02.039 --> 00:22:05.519