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Speaker 1: On being found out by William Makepeace Thackeray at the clothes.

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Let us say of Queen Anne's reign. When I was

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a boy at a private and preparatory school for young gentlemen,

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I remember the wise acre of a master ordering us

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all one night to march into a little gordon at

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the back of the house, and thence to proceed one

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by one into a tool or hen house. I was

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but a tender little thing, just put into short clothes,

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and can't exactly say whether the house was for tools

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or hens. And in that house to put our hands

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into a sack which stood on a bench, a candle

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burning beside it. I put my hand into the sack.

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My hand came out quite black. I went and joined

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the other boys in the schoolroom, and all their hands

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were black too, by reason of my tent age. And

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there are some critics who I hope will be satisfied

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by my acknowledging that I am a hundred and fifty

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six next birthday. I could not understand what was the

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meaning of this night excursion, this candle, this tool house,

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this bag of soot. I think we little boys were

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taken out of our sleep to be brought to the ordeal.

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We came then and showed our little hands to the master,

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washed them or not? Most probably, I should say not,

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And so went bewildered back to bed. Something had been

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stolen in the school that day, and mister Wiseacre, having

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read in a book of an ingenious method of finding

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out a thief by making him put his hand into

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a sack, which, if guilty, the rogue would shirk from doing,

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all we boys were subjected to the trial. Goodness knows

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what the lost object was or who stole it. We

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all have black hands to show the master, and the thief,

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whoever he was, was not found out that time. I

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wonder if the rascal is alive. An elderly scoundrel he

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must be by this time, and a hoary old hypocrite

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to whom an old schoolfellow presents his kindest regards, parenthetically

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remarking what a dreadful place that private school was, cold,

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chill blained, bad dinners, not enough victuals, and caning awful.

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Are you alive still? I say, you, nameless villain who

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escaped discovery on that day of crime. I hope you

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have escaped often since, old sinner, Ah, what a lucky thing.

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It is for you and me, my man, that we

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are not found out in all our pacadillos, and that

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our backs can slip away from the master and the cane.

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Just consider what life would be if every rogue was

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found out and flogged corum pappulo. What a butchery, what

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an indecency, what an endless swishing of the rod? Don't

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cry out about my misanthropy, My good friend, mealy Mouth,

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I will trouble you to tell me. Do you go

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to church? When there? Do you say or do you not,

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that you are a miserable sinner? And saying so, do

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you believe or disbelieve it? If you are a miserable sinner,

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don't you deserve correction? And aren't you grateful if you

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were to be let off? I say again, what a

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blessed thing it is that we are not all found out.

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Just picture to yourself everybody who does wrong being found

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out and punished accordingly. Fancy all the boys in all

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the school being whipped, and then the assistants, and then

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the head master Badford, let us call him fancy, the

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Provost Marshal being tied up, having previously superintended the correction

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of the whole army after the young gentlemen have had

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their turn for their faulty exercises. Fancy Doctor Lincoln's inn

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being taken up for certain faults in his essay and review,

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after the clergyman has cried his PECUEVI. Suppose we hoist

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up a bishop and give him a couple of dozen.

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I see my Lord Bishop of Double Gloucester, sitting in

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a very uneasy posture on his right reverend bench. After

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we have cast off the bishop, what are we to

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say to the minister who appointed him? My lord sinkwarden,

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It is painful to have to use personal correction to

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a boy of your age, but really, cist a tandem carnifex.

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The butchery is too horrible. The hand drops powerless, appalled

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at the quantity of birch which it must cut and brandish.

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I am glad we are not all found out, I

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say again, and protest, my dear brethren, against our having

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our deserts to Fancy all men found out and punished

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is bad enough, But imagine all the women found out

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in the distinguished social circle in which you and I

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have the honor to move. Is it not a mercy

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that a many of these fair criminals remain unpunished and undiscovered.

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There is Missus Longbow, who is forever practicing and who

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shoots poisoned arrows too. When you meet her, you don't

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call her a liar and charge her with the wickedness

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she has done and is doing. There is Missus Painter,

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who passes for a most respectable woman and a model

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in society. There is no use in saying what you

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really know regarding her and her goings on. There is

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Diana Hunter. What a little haughty prude it is, and

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yet we know stories about her which are not altogether edifying.

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I say it best for the sake of the good

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that the bad should not all be found out. You

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don't want your children to know the history of that

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lady in the next box, who is so handsome and

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whom they admire so ah me, what would life be

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if we were all found out and punished for all

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our faults? Jack Ketch would be in permanence, and then

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who would hang jack Ketch? They talk of murderers being

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pretty certainly found out. Pshah, I have heard an authority

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awfully confident thou and declare that scores and hundreds of

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murders are committed, and nobody is the wiser that terrible

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man mentioned one or two ways of committing murder, which

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he maintained were quite common and were scarcely ever found out.

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A man, for instance, comes home to his wife, and

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but I pause. I know that this magazine has a

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very large circulation, hundreds and hundreds of thousands. Why not,

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say a million of people at once, well, say a

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million read it. And among these countless readers, I might

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be teaching some monster how to make a way with

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his wife without being found out, some fiend of a

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woman how to destroy her dear husband. I will not

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then tell this easy and simple way of murder, as

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communicated to me by a most respectable party in the

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confidence of private intercourse. Suppose some gentle reader were to

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try this most simple and easy receipt, it seems to

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me almost infallible, and come to grief in consequence, and

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be found out and hanged. Should I ever pardon myself

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for having, in the means of doing injury to a

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single one of our esteemed subscribers. The prescription whereof I speak,

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that is to say, whereof I don't speak, shall be

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buried in this bosom. No, I am a humane man.

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I am not one of your bluebeards to go and

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say to my wife, my dear, I am going away

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for a few days to Brighton. Here are all the

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keys to the house. You may open every door in closet,

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except the one at the end of the oak room,

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opposite the fireplace, with the little bronze Shakespeare on the mantelpiece,

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or what not. I don't say this to a woman

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unless to be sure I want to get rid of her,

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because after such a caution, I know she'll peep into

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the closet. I say nothing about the closet at all.

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I keep the key in my pocket, and a being

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whom I love, but who as I know, has many

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weaknesses out of harm's way. You toss up your head,

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dear angel, drub on the ground with your lovely little

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feet on the table, with your sweet rosy fingers, and cry, oh, sneerer,

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You don't know the depth of woman's feeling, the lofty

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scorn of all deceit, the entire absence of mean curiosity

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in the sex or never, never would you liebel us

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so ah Delia, dear dear Dahlia. It is because I fancy.

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I do know something about you, not all mind, no, no,

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no man knows that. Ah, my bride, my ring, my rose,

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my poppet. Choose in fact, whatever name you like, bulbul

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of my grove, fountain of my desert, sunshine of my

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darkling life, and joy of my dungeons existence. It is

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because I do know a little about you that I

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can who to say nothing of that private closet and

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keep my key in my pocket. You take away that

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closet key, then, and the house key you lock Delia in.

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You keep her out of harm's way and gadding, and

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so she never can be found out. And yet, by

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little strange accidents and coincidence, how we are being found

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out every day. You remember that old story of the

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Abbe Coccados, who told the company at supper one night,

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how the first confession he ever received was from a murderer.

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Let us say, presently enters to supper the Marquis de

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Croquet Metaine pass blue Abby, says the brilliant marquis, taking

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a pinch of snuff. Are you here, gentlemen and ladies.

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I was the Abby's first penitent, and I made him

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a confession which I promise you astonished him. To be sure,

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how queerly things are found out. Here is an instance.

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Only the other day I was writing in these roundabout

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papers about a certain man whom I facetiously called Bags,

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and who had abused me to my friends, who of

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course told me. Shortly after that paper was published. Another friend, Sachs,

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let us call him, scowls fiercely at me as I

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am sitting in a perfect good humor at the club,

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and passes on without speaking a cut a quarrel. Sachs

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thinks it is about him that I was writing, whereas,

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upon my honor and conscience, I never had him once

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in my mind, and was pointing my moral from quite

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another man. But don't you see by this wrath of

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the guilty conscienced Sacks that he had been abusing me too.

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He has owned himself guilty, never having been accused. He

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has winced when nobody thought of hitting him, I did

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but put the cap out, and madly, budding and chafing, Behold,

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my friend rushes out to put his head into it.

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Never mind, sex, you are found out, But I bear

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you no malice, my man, And yet to be found out,

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I know from my own experience, must be painful and

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odious and cruelly mortifying to the inward vanity. Suppose I

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am a poltroon. Let us say, with fierce mustache, loud talk,

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plentiful oaths, and an immense stick I keep up nevertheless

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a character for courage. I swear fearfully at cabmen and women,

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brandish my bludgeon, and perhaps knock down a little man

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or two with it. Brag of the images which I

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break at the shooting gallery, and pass among my friends

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for a whiskey fire eater, afraid of neither man nor dragon.

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Ah me, Suppose some brisk little chap steps up and

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gives me a Caning in Saint James Street, with all

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the heads of my friends looking out of all the

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club windows, my reputation is gone. I frighten no man more.

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My nose is pulled by whipper snappers who jump up

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on a chair to reach it. I am found out.

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And in the days of my triumphs, when people were

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yet afraid of me and were taken in by my swagger,

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I always knew that I was a lily liver, and

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expected that I should be found out some day. That

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certainty of being found out must haunt and oppress many

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a bold braggadocio spirit. Let us say it as a

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clergyman who can pump copious floods of tears out of

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his own eyes and those of his audience. He thinks

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to himself, I am but a poor, swindling, chattering rogue.

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My bills are unpaid. I've jilted several women whom I

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have promised to marry. I don't know whether I believe

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what I preach, and I know I have stolen the

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very sermon over which I have been sniveling. Have they

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found me out? Says he as his head drops down

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on the cushion. Then your writer, poet, historian, novelist, or

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what not. The Beacon says that Jones's work is one

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of the first order. The lamp declares that Jones's tragedy

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surpasses every work since the days of him of Avon.

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The Comet asserts that Jay's Life of Goody two Shoes

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is a noble and enduring monument to the fame of

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that admirable englishwoman, and so forth. But then Jones knows

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that he has lent the critic of the Beacon five

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pounds that his publisher has half a share in the lamp,

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and that the comet comes repeatedly to dine with him,

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And it is all very well. Jones is immortal until

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he has found out, and then down comes the extinguisher,

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and the immortal is dead and buried. The idea of

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discovery must hat many a man and make him uneasy.

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As the trumpets are puffing in his triumph, Brown, who

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has a higher place than he deserves, cowers before Smith,

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who has found him out. What is the chorus of

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critics shouting bravo, a public clapping hands and flinging garlands.

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Brown knows that Smith has found him out. Puff trumpets,

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wave banners, huzzer boys for the immortal Brown. This is

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all very well, Brown thinks, bowing the while smiling, laying

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his hand to his heart. But there stands Smith at

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the window. He has measured me, and some day the

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others will find me out too. It is a very

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curious sensation to sit by a man who has found

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you out, and who, as you know, has found you out,

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or vice versa, to sit with a man whom you

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have found out his talent bah his virtue. We know

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a little story or two about his virtue, and he knows,

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we know it. We are thinking over friend Robinson's antecedents

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as we grin, bow and talk, and we are both

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humbugs together. Robinson is a good fellow, is he? You

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know how he behaved to Hicks? A good natured man?

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Is he? Pray? Do you remember that little story of

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missus Robinson's black eye? How men have to work to talk,

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to smile, to go to bed and try and sleep

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with this dread of being found out on their consciences. Bardolf,

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who has robbed a church, and Nim who has taken

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a purse, go to their usual haunts and smoke their

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pipes with their companions. Mister detective Bull's eye appears and says, oh, Bardolf,

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I want you about that there pick business. Mister Bardoff

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knocks the ashes out of his pipe, puts out his

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hands to the little steel cuffs, and walks away quite meekly.

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He is found out. He must go. Goodbye doll, tear sheet,

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goodbye missus quickly, ma'am. The other gentlemen and ladies de

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la society look on and exchange mute adieu with the

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departing friends, and an assured time will come when the

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other gentlemen and ladies will be found out too. What

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a wonderful and beautiful provision of nature. It has been that,

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for the most part our womankind are not endowed with

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the faculty of finding us out. They don't doubt and probe,

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and weigh and take your measure. Lay down this paper,

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my benevolent friend and reader. Go into your drawing room

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now and utter a joke ever so old, and I

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wager sixpence the ladies there will all begin to laugh.

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Go to Brown's house and tell Miss Brown and the

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young ladies what you think of him, and see what

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a welcome you will get in like manner. Let him

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come to your house and tell your good lady his

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candid opinion of you, and fancy how she will receive him.

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Would you have your wife and children know you exactly

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for what you are, and esteem you precisely at your worth.

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If so, my friend, you will live in a dreary house,

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and you will have but a chilly fireside. Do you

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suppose the people round it don't see your homely face

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as under a glamor, and as it were, with a

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halo of love round it? You don't fancy you are

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as you seem to them no such thing my man.

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Put away that monstrous conceit, and be thankful that they

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have not found you out