WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.439 demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM six forty. 4 00:00:09.480 --> 00:00:11.439 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:11.560 --> 00:00:13.919 Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Sit back as for the next 6 00:00:13.919 --> 00:00:16.559 two hours, I'm going to solve all your love life problems. 7 00:00:17.399 --> 00:00:22.120 I wish if you're new to my show, I have 8 00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:25.519 a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at 9 00:00:25.679 --> 00:00:31.440 cal State University, Channel Islands. Hey, students, tomorrow morning, we're 10 00:00:31.480 --> 00:00:34.799 back in the classroom. You ready, You're ready for me. 11 00:00:35.079 --> 00:00:36.640 I feel like someone was a blink for you and you. 12 00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:38.119 I feel like you just had your last class. 13 00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:41.719 You were just greeting and now we're blinking. Well, made 14 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:44.759 the choice to teach a summer class in zoo, so 15 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:48.560 it was all a little Yeah. You know, teaching is 16 00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:50.960 easy if all you had to do was stand in 17 00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:53.719 front of the class and teach. But it's all the 18 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:56.880 computer work, it's all the grading, it's all the readings. 19 00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:59.759 It's a lot, a lot. But anyway, we're going to 20 00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:04.680 be I'm feeling optimistic about this cohort, and it's different 21 00:01:04.760 --> 00:01:07.879 everything single semester because you get a group together in 22 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:12.319 any room for anything, and they set up group rules 23 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:16.719 right away. They are silent rules, silent messages, the way 24 00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:18.879 people look at each other and there some of the 25 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:23.319 rules are don't ever talk out loud, that's awkward, and 26 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:26.519 then another group the rule might be be open and chatty, 27 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:29.480 have fun. When I get a class full of extroverts 28 00:01:29.560 --> 00:01:32.840 or where the rule is it's cool to talk, it 29 00:01:32.840 --> 00:01:35.760 makes my life a breeze. But when I stare at 30 00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:38.599 the silent faces for two hours and fifty minutes and 31 00:01:38.680 --> 00:01:40.599 I don't know what's going on in there, and I'm 32 00:01:40.920 --> 00:01:44.040 asking questions and I'm trying to get them to it is. 33 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:47.159 So that's when teaching is really hard. So I'm feeling good, 34 00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:49.400 but this cohort, I just have a sense it's going 35 00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:52.000 to be good starting tomorrow morning. Hey, a little bit 36 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.840 of sad news in the World of Love. Somebody who's 37 00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:57.439 been on the podcast on Mating Matters and on this show, 38 00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:03.480 doctor Helen Fisher, has passed away this weekend after a 39 00:02:03.560 --> 00:02:08.879 heroic battle with cancer. She was a senior research fellow 40 00:02:08.919 --> 00:02:12.599 at the Kinsey Institute. The chief science advisor to match 41 00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:17.039 dot com, the co founder and chief science officer of Neurocolor, 42 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:20.840 and she has also been a professor of anthropology at 43 00:02:20.919 --> 00:02:25.879 Rutgers University and also research associated at the American Museum 44 00:02:25.919 --> 00:02:30.400 of Natural History. She has been my idol, my mentor. 45 00:02:31.080 --> 00:02:36.479 Helen Fisher was both a highly skilled academic and also 46 00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:41.919 really media savvy and could turn some complicated research into 47 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:46.439 language that everybody could understand. I received the email from 48 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:49.599 I'm proud to call him my friend doctor Justin Garcia, 49 00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.319 who's also been on the show many times, head of 50 00:02:52.319 --> 00:02:56.000 the Kinsey Institute, and I asked doctor Garcia if he 51 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.000 could be on the show with us to talk about 52 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:00.960 as many years with doctor Fisher. He didn't get back 53 00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:03.319 to me for obvious reasons. There's funerals and stuff. And 54 00:03:04.199 --> 00:03:07.360 she got married actually for the first time, just four 55 00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:12.199 years ago, and he walked her down the aisle. So 56 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:15.159 she had four wonderful years with the love of her life, 57 00:03:15.319 --> 00:03:18.960 John Tierney. Anyway, so a sad thing in the world 58 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.080 of If you're in the world of love science like 59 00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:26.280 I am, that is a pillar that has just tumbled. 60 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:30.479 And so we wish our thoughts and wishes are with 61 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:34.280 Helen Fisher's family. All right, let's get into the trenches 62 00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:36.759 of love. I don't know, have you been living under 63 00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:39.319 a rock? Did you hear Benefars all gone? Now? Do 64 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:42.080 you know what benefer is? It is Ben Affleck and 65 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:47.319 Jennifer Lopez. I really if you don't know, she's a singer, actress. 66 00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:52.639 He's that movie maker actor guy. So on August twentieth, 67 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:56.800 their second anniversary, you can analyze that, folks, Jennifer Lopez 68 00:03:56.840 --> 00:03:59.560 filed for divorce with no attorney involved for Bet Affleck. 69 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:03.319 Now you got to remember and their house, their Beverly 70 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:05.759 Hills or wherever house, sixty eight million dollars is on 71 00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:08.319 the market force. If you're looking for a house, there 72 00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:10.919 you go. They had a big, huge wedding in Georgia. 73 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.159 They had a quick one in Vegas that she was 74 00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:16.079 so quick to post about on social media two years ago, 75 00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:18.920 and then a big Georgia one. Now, if you remember, 76 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.800 they initially met way back in two thousand and two, 77 00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:24.600 and they like to say it was the launch of 78 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:27.439 tabloids and they happened to be the couple at the moment, 79 00:04:28.040 --> 00:04:32.079 and they literally they met on the set of their 80 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:37.199 movie Geek Geekly eatji le gili jigle g i g 81 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:41.120 l I jiggle jig jiggly. Don't know. I didn't see it. 82 00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:43.399 You know why nobody saw it. Nobody saw it was 83 00:04:43.439 --> 00:04:46.639 a total bomb. He actually did press on it and 84 00:04:46.759 --> 00:04:49.480 made jokes about himself. But that's where the term benefit 85 00:04:49.639 --> 00:04:54.399 was formed. And they got engaged. She talked about how 86 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:59.000 much she loved him. He talked about No, she didn't 87 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:00.800 talk that. He didn't talk that much. She talked a 88 00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:04.279 lot about this relationship. I sense now I don't know 89 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:06.800 the woman, but I sense this is a woman who's 90 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:10.279 in love with love, who all her movies are rom comms. Right, 91 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:13.560 and then they get back together. What is it like 92 00:05:13.639 --> 00:05:16.199 twelve years later or more than that? From two thousand 93 00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:20.240 and two they got engaged in two thousand and or 94 00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:24.000 January two thousand and four they were done after their 95 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:29.000 movie that they did together bombed. He says the reason 96 00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:32.800 why they canceled their wedding was because of excessive media. 97 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:36.160 This is the original one. Excessive media attention surrounding their 98 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:39.680 original wedding we found, says Ben Affleck in a statement, 99 00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:45.040 We found ourselves seriously contemplating hiring three separate decoy brides 100 00:05:45.160 --> 00:05:49.040 at three different locations, and we realized something was awry. 101 00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:51.399 We felt that this should have been a joyful and 102 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:54.279 sacred day and it could be spoiled for us, our family, 103 00:05:54.360 --> 00:05:58.480 and our friends. So they canceled right after their movie 104 00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:04.360 bombed Geek Glee in two thousand and three. Chili, there 105 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:08.439 we go, Cheli, thank you, our pronunciation specialist, our linguist 106 00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:12.680 on staff, thank you very much. So they were supposed 107 00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:15.399 to be married in Santa Barbara on September fourteenth, two 108 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:19.680 thousand and three. Their movie had just bombed. They cancel that. 109 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:23.639 By January two thousand and four. They're done. It's over. 110 00:06:23.959 --> 00:06:27.480 They're done then, So twenty twenty one minus two thousand 111 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:31.680 and four helped me out. Seventeen years later, she splits 112 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:36.959 up from Alec Rodriguez. Ben Affleck is leaving his wife 113 00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:40.519 another Jennifer, whom he had three kids with. She has 114 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:42.199 two kids. She's been married four times, so she had 115 00:06:42.279 --> 00:06:45.000 kids with Mark Anthony right A twins, and all of 116 00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:48.959 a sudden they start hanging out together. So it became 117 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:51.720 official in July of twenty twenty one. So we're twenty 118 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:53.800 twenty four. Now, that's only three years ago. Became official 119 00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:57.199 of them dating again. She posted a carousel of photos 120 00:06:57.279 --> 00:07:00.000 on her Instagram in honor of her fifty second berth. 121 00:07:00.279 --> 00:07:02.800 I remember that she made sure that she looked hot 122 00:07:02.839 --> 00:07:05.720 in a bathing suit and all that, and then she 123 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:08.079 put a bunch of Bikinian boat pictures. In the final 124 00:07:08.160 --> 00:07:12.600 one was her kissing in him him kissing. Anyway, I 125 00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:15.120 think she's the one that led this whole thing. I 126 00:07:15.160 --> 00:07:18.120 think what really happened here. She's in love with love 127 00:07:18.680 --> 00:07:22.160 she as you know, very quickly. They did everything together. 128 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:25.560 They made commercials together, and then she made that movie. 129 00:07:26.199 --> 00:07:30.040 So here's what I want to say. And I'm guessing 130 00:07:30.120 --> 00:07:32.519 I know nothing about this. Okay, this is reported. This 131 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:39.839 is me guessing she perhaps has such an anxious attachment 132 00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:44.199 style that she's gonna go as public as she possibly 133 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:47.120 can and make it as big as she possibly can 134 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:49.920 because that could make her mates go, well, I can't 135 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.079 leave now. Everybody knows about this. It's just too big, right. 136 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:57.079 So the question is did she engender all this press 137 00:07:57.519 --> 00:08:01.079 to make their love extra public and that helped her 138 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:06.439 maybe reduce her abandonment anxiety. In fact, the tabloid Page 139 00:08:06.439 --> 00:08:10.439 six reported that Benifer's marital Rose Moe's woes got it. 140 00:08:10.560 --> 00:08:13.839 Woes went all the way back to their honeymoon, on 141 00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:17.399 which the couple were hounded by photographers in Lake Cuomo, Italy, 142 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:21.800 and Ben was very unhappy with the paparazzi following them, 143 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:24.480 So who called on the dogs? You know, it is 144 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:27.639 possible to be private in a cabin. You don't have 145 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:29.920 to be out walking around Lake Cuomo where all the 146 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:32.799 things are. You can go inside closed doors, be alone, 147 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:36.159 have servants. It's not a lifestyle. He's new to those, 148 00:08:36.279 --> 00:08:40.240 so I don't know he's famous. Two exactly. Then she 149 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:43.200 made a movie without his permission about their love story, 150 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.720 The Greatest Love Thig of all right, and then it's 151 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:48.320 called the Greatest Love Story Never Told. And then she 152 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:53.399 made a companion documentary called This Is Me. And even 153 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:58.840 in the documentary, Jennifer Lopez reflected on Ben's discomfort with 154 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:01.480 some of her artistic choice. She said, I don't think 155 00:09:01.480 --> 00:09:04.039 he's very comfortable with me doing all of this, but 156 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.440 he loves me. He knows I'm an artist, and he's 157 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:08.600 going to support me in every way he can because 158 00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:11.159 he knows he can't stop me from making the music 159 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:15.360 I made and writing the songs, I wrote, it doesn't 160 00:09:15.399 --> 00:09:20.759 mean he's comfortable being my muse. Oh apparently elsewhere in 161 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:23.600 the documentary, I did not see the scene Affleck is 162 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:28.879 captured realizing that Lopez is sharing his private love letters 163 00:09:28.919 --> 00:09:32.840 to her with a team Oh wow as something for 164 00:09:32.919 --> 00:09:37.320 the movie. That's mad. And as you know, she was 165 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:40.720 hate bombed on TikTok this summer, then she canceled her 166 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.159 summer tour. You know what they say, you have to 167 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:45.879 reach an all is lost moment. It's like a rom com. 168 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:47.840 She's in the all is Lost moment in her own 169 00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:52.440 rom com. And maybe it's time that her next relationship 170 00:09:52.879 --> 00:09:56.360 is with a good licensed therapist. I'm not saying he 171 00:09:56.360 --> 00:09:58.639 didn't have a piece in it. I don't know anything 172 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:01.480 about him. Only thing I know about the dude is 173 00:10:01.759 --> 00:10:04.159 he's recovering. He has struggled with addiction in his life, 174 00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:07.000 which you know can be a hard road. But you know, 175 00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:09.840 I don't know where he is now and whatever? All right, 176 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:13.159 when we come back you your life, should you get 177 00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:16.840 back with your ex? Is going retrosexual? A good idea? 178 00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:19.799 Let me explain. You are listening to the doctor Wendy 179 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:22.840 Walls show. Ok, I am six forty but live everywhere 180 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:24.120 on the iHeartRadio app. 181 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:29.320 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 182 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:34.120 AM six forty. 183 00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:36.720 Getting Back Together. I've been singing that so loud. Never 184 00:10:36.840 --> 00:10:39.480 have a That's what Taylor Swift brings out of people. 185 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:42.639 Oh yeah, yeah, that was a great song. A shually. Absolutely, 186 00:10:42.759 --> 00:10:46.320 you can't write about going retrosexual without that. Now, I 187 00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:49.080 do want to say something about the term retrosexual. I 188 00:10:49.200 --> 00:10:50.480 like to think I coined it. I don't know if 189 00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.200 I did. I've been saying it for years. It happened. 190 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:58.080 I'm going like ten years ago when people joined Facebook 191 00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:00.480 for the first time, maybe fifteen years ago, and they're 192 00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:04.720 finding all their old friends and then they find their 193 00:11:04.759 --> 00:11:08.879 high school sweetheart, or they find the college person that 194 00:11:08.919 --> 00:11:11.879 they had a little thing with, and now it's thirty 195 00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:14.600 years later, twenty years later, they're all grown up and 196 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:17.559 they're like, oh, maybe and I'll go back there. I 197 00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:19.879 actually know a couple. They were at my wedding. Did 198 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:23.279 you meet Dana and Carl from New York? I might have, Okay, 199 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:24.320 I met a lot of people, but I had a 200 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:29.080 lot of drinks. They were middle school sweethearts and found 201 00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:31.679 each other many years later and now are madly in 202 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.279 love and everything going great. So that kind of retrosexual 203 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:38.200 can work, right, because you were at the stage of 204 00:11:38.240 --> 00:11:40.879 life where for sure nobody was at their stage of readiness. 205 00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:44.480 State of readiness, right, we're talking about middle school, high school, college, right. 206 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:48.600 But if you had an adult romantic relationship with somebody 207 00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:53.200 and it went south, and you think, just because time 208 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.399 has passed, they're going to be a different person, and 209 00:11:56.519 --> 00:12:00.320 oh yeah, you're going to be a different person, that 210 00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:04.600 everything is going to be fine now just because there's time. No, 211 00:12:05.799 --> 00:12:09.039 So that's the other kind of retrosexual where you go 212 00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:11.840 back to the scene of the crime, You go back 213 00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:15.960 and you live it out again. Now, there is an 214 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:20.759 allure to going retrosexual because of the familiarity, Right, you 215 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:23.440 don't have to do all that early stage getting to 216 00:12:23.480 --> 00:12:27.159 know you stuff. But I will tell you the couples 217 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:32.879 very quickly fall back into their old relationship patterns. Remember 218 00:12:33.559 --> 00:12:37.720 that every relationship we have with anybody, cowork or family, friend, whatever, 219 00:12:38.039 --> 00:12:41.639 they enliven a piece of our personality. One of the 220 00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:44.080 reasons I think I said this last week, Kayla, that 221 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:45.799 I had so much fun at my own wedding, Thank 222 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:48.919 you very much, was because I looked around the room 223 00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:51.600 during the dinner. I looked around the dance floor later, 224 00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:56.679 and every single person was a piece of me, everybody 225 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:00.279 I knew. There were no strangers in the room, and 226 00:13:00.639 --> 00:13:06.519 it felt comforting. I felt literally complete. I felt together right, 227 00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:09.720 because we're not supposed to be the exact same person 228 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:11.840 to everybody. I know. In our culture we use that 229 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:15.360 term two faced, no two faced. We're supposed to be 230 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:17.399 two face, three face, six pas whatever. We're supposed to 231 00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:20.000 be a little different because each person helps us grow 232 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:24.639 a piece of ourself. Right. However, when it comes to 233 00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:28.159 our love relationships, if it's been bad, it will go 234 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:30.799 back to bad very quickly. My favorite metaphor for this, 235 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.480 because love is the best drug that we have, is 236 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:36.759 that of a drug addic. You've probably heard years and 237 00:13:36.840 --> 00:13:40.759 years after being sober that an attic might say, oh, well, 238 00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:42.840 you know, I'm just gonna try one line of cocaine 239 00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:44.879 because I just don't eat more. Just that one, right, 240 00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:47.080 and before they know it, they're in the same bad 241 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:51.240 place they were before. So rekindling old love can do 242 00:13:51.320 --> 00:13:54.360 the same thing. In less I'm gonna give you some criteria. 243 00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:56.799 You do it mindfully, and that means with the help 244 00:13:56.799 --> 00:14:00.559 of a professional therapist, and you attempt to do things differently. 245 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:03.799 So here's my little advice on how to get back 246 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:05.840 with your ex. If you were hell bent on doing it, 247 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:08.120 you went on Facebook. You found your high school. Well, 248 00:14:08.120 --> 00:14:10.519 if high school is different, you found somebody you dated 249 00:14:10.519 --> 00:14:14.639 ten years ago. Whatever, All right. Number one, make sure 250 00:14:14.759 --> 00:14:19.399 that both of you take equal responsibility for what happened 251 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:24.320 in the previous relationship. If one person feels superior because 252 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:27.120 they blame the other for what happened, you're going to 253 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:30.639 have a difficult time having equal footing in the future. 254 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:32.799 So both of you have to be in a space 255 00:14:32.799 --> 00:14:35.679 where you can say my bad, you know what I did. 256 00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:37.559 I'm so sorry, and you go, no, no, really it 257 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:39.639 was me. What I did was this. If you can 258 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:43.240 both take equal responsibility for the things that went wrong, 259 00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:47.919 that's a good sign. Also, make sure that both of 260 00:14:47.960 --> 00:14:54.000 you have undergone separate personal therapy. You now know your issues, 261 00:14:54.399 --> 00:14:58.039 you're working to change yourself. You can now enter that 262 00:14:58.120 --> 00:15:02.039 relationship as a new person. What is the point of therapy. 263 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:06.519 The point of therapy is to either if it's psychodynamic, 264 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:12.080 make the unconscious conscious, so your things hidden in your 265 00:15:12.120 --> 00:15:15.600 unconscious don't control your behavior in a negative way, or 266 00:15:15.639 --> 00:15:18.519 to teach you new behaviors that help you create new 267 00:15:19.480 --> 00:15:22.600 feelings and new ways of being. But you've got to 268 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:24.600 be a different person. That means both of you have 269 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:29.879 had to undergo this. And finally, you wanna not fall 270 00:15:29.960 --> 00:15:33.879 back into your old relationship patterns, that old dynamic and 271 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:38.080 so I highly suggest that you begin your new relationship 272 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:42.240 with couple's therapy, not going to his therapist or not 273 00:15:42.279 --> 00:15:44.840 going to hurt therapist, getting a whole new therapist who 274 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:46.960 meets the two of you for the first time. This 275 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:49.399 is how you can learn new ways of relating and 276 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:56.360 not be triggered by all the pain from the past. So, yeah, 277 00:15:56.480 --> 00:16:02.399 is it possible, No, it's not. Maybe, sort of kind of, 278 00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.519 But for the most part, I suggest that you listen 279 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:11.000 to Taylor Swift and never get back with an X 280 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:14.799 because there are lots of other fish in the sea, 281 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:17.399 lots of other fish. Incity, you don't need to go there, 282 00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:20.759 but retrosexual from like childhood sweetheart. That's kind of cute 283 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:24.000 because nobody was ready back then. All right, when we 284 00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:29.039 come back, I want to divulge and share with you 285 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:33.080 that there was only one occasion in my life. For 286 00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:35.879 a very short period of time, a matter of maybe 287 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:38.639 three months, I had what I now look back on 288 00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:42.679 as an eating disorder. I will tell you what precipitated it, 289 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:46.360 I will tell you how it presented itself, and I 290 00:16:46.399 --> 00:16:49.399 will tell you how I eventually got over it. So 291 00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:53.879 can we talk about emotional eating when we come back. 292 00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:56.879 I've got some thoughts. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy 293 00:16:56.919 --> 00:17:00.240 Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty WeLive everywhere on 294 00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:01.399 the iHeartRadio app. 295 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:06.240 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 296 00:17:06.319 --> 00:17:08.359 AM six forty. 297 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:10.880 Kaylene, I want to go eat something right now. This 298 00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:13.640 is a song that's a hunger. It makes me excited 299 00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:16.839 for Thanksgiving every single time I hear that song. You 300 00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:21.519 pick the music, you really do pick great music. So 301 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:24.920 food is delicious. Food is good for us. Hey, welcome 302 00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:26.599 back to the Doctor Towny Walls Show and KFI AM 303 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:31.920 six forty. Food is wonderful, It is nutritious, it is satiating, 304 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:39.880 it brings us pleasure. However, some eating is considered emotional eating. 305 00:17:41.559 --> 00:17:44.599 For the most part, I have been the same body 306 00:17:44.599 --> 00:17:47.680 weight my whole life, I mean, give or take five 307 00:17:47.720 --> 00:17:50.559 pounds here or there, except pregnancy. Those babies, they take 308 00:17:50.599 --> 00:17:55.319 up a lot of Wait. Yeah, And however, if you've 309 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:57.680 been with me all these years, you probably have heard 310 00:17:57.720 --> 00:18:00.480 me tell the story that I was a tea nature 311 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.839 modeling in Paris. I was raped by the owner of 312 00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:10.039 my modeling agency, and I came home feeling like a failure, 313 00:18:10.519 --> 00:18:14.160 that somehow everything was my fault. I felt great shame. 314 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:17.839 I didn't tell anybody, and of course all they wanted 315 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:20.200 to know is how is Paris? How is modeling? Oh 316 00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:23.160 my god, let me see your portfolio and whatever. And 317 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:27.119 I had no job. I'd finished high school and I 318 00:18:27.160 --> 00:18:30.480 hadn't started university. I was thinking of applying. I didn't 319 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:33.880 know what to do. And I went to my parents' 320 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:39.680 fridge and I started making these very tall sandwiches, very tall, 321 00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:43.039 like they were five six inches tall sandwiches. You squeeze 322 00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:44.799 them down, you can get them in your mouth. And 323 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:49.920 I remember eating to the point where I almost felt nauseous, 324 00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:53.599 and I would lie down, and then like an hour later, 325 00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:56.200 I'd go make myself another one, and I'd force myself 326 00:18:56.200 --> 00:19:01.319 to eat it. I was trying so hard to eat 327 00:19:01.319 --> 00:19:04.599 my feelings to make the pain go away, and that 328 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:08.559 somehow this pleasure would somehow help. And maybe unconsciously, there 329 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:10.400 was a piece of me that's like, I don't want 330 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:12.400 to look like a model. I don't want people to 331 00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:15.559 say that about me anymore. I managed to gain about 332 00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:19.319 twenty pounds from my parents' fridge, which is a ginormous 333 00:19:19.319 --> 00:19:21.880 amount of weight if you're an ectomorph and you've been 334 00:19:21.920 --> 00:19:26.000 tall and skin of your whole life. Eventually, a friend 335 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:30.319 of mine said, let's take the bus. This is nineteen 336 00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:34.400 eighty to Key West, Florida from Canada. Because I looked 337 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:36.559 at a globe. I was lying there in a dead 338 00:19:36.599 --> 00:19:39.599 of winter and I was spinning a globe and I 339 00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:42.680 looked this way before the internet everybody, and I saw 340 00:19:42.720 --> 00:19:47.279 the most southerness point tip of the continental United States, 341 00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:49.440 and it was Key West, Florida. And I said to 342 00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:51.359 my girlfriend, let's just take a bus there. It took 343 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:53.759 us like two and a half days. We slept on 344 00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:56.240 the Greyhound the whole thing, and we got there and 345 00:19:56.279 --> 00:19:59.240 there was something about the sunshine. I got a job 346 00:19:59.440 --> 00:20:03.039 in making conk fritters in a van on the beach 347 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:07.519 and nobody put pressure on me to be a model 348 00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:10.640 or be beautiful. I let my hair go crazy. I 349 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:13.279 sunburned myself till my nose peeled. It didn't matter. I 350 00:20:13.279 --> 00:20:14.839 didn't have an agent going. But did you do to 351 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.799 your skin? I just relaxed and that and along with 352 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:20.759 the sunshine, because I also learned I had a little 353 00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:25.519 senial effective disorder helped now. Just last week I was 354 00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:29.839 on I Do the Morning show, the Today's Show in Australia, 355 00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:33.119 and I was on as a guest, and the guest 356 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:37.519 right before me was a formerly obese journalist from the 357 00:20:37.640 --> 00:20:42.519 UK who had taken ozempic and written a book about 358 00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:45.559 this experience of losing all this weight. And the journalist 359 00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:49.839 asked this person, did you They say one of the 360 00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:53.319 side effects is depression. Did you experience depression? And he 361 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:57.319 said yes and no, And I want to explain. He said. 362 00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:59.839 There was this one night where I had a bad day, 363 00:21:00.279 --> 00:21:01.799 so I wanted to go to my go to thing, 364 00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:04.400 which is go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and order an 365 00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:07.880 entire bucket of the kernels, which on any other time 366 00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:10.240 I would have been able to finish off the entire bucket, 367 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:12.920 he said, So I was on ozembic. I ate two 368 00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:16.279 pieces and I felt completely full. I did not want 369 00:21:16.279 --> 00:21:20.680 to have any more. And immediately afterwards, I felt deeply 370 00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:25.160 sad because I didn't have my go to remedy for 371 00:21:25.240 --> 00:21:29.680 my emotional pain. I realized that my eating had been 372 00:21:29.960 --> 00:21:34.000 emotional eating. I thought that was so insightful and so 373 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:36.200 much self awareness to be able to figure that out. 374 00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:40.559 So emotional eating is an impulse to eat whenever you've 375 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:44.119 got unpleasant emotions like what happened to me way back when, 376 00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:50.119 and it actually there's research that shows that emotional eating 377 00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:54.720 can actually change the brain's reward system and reduce your 378 00:21:54.759 --> 00:21:58.519 ability to even notice when you're physically hungry or when 379 00:21:58.599 --> 00:22:02.200 you're full. In other words, eating just becomes a habit 380 00:22:02.640 --> 00:22:07.960 around emotions. Research shows at about one in five people 381 00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:15.279 in America engage in emotional eating often or very often. Also, 382 00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:19.640 what you eat when you're upset matters because certain types 383 00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:25.319 of food reinforce your emotional eating response. So signs of 384 00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:29.720 emotional eating eating when you're upset, eating really quickly, having 385 00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:34.079 guilt or shame about having eaten. Your most frequent thing 386 00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:37.720 that you consume, fast food filled with those feel good, 387 00:22:37.720 --> 00:22:43.400 addictive things, eating too much, having specific food cravings or 388 00:22:43.440 --> 00:22:48.720 having unintentionional weighting. So I have a friend who's a 389 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:53.000 registered dietitian who says it's all behavioral. You just got 390 00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:59.039 to change your behavior. However, emotional eating is also deeply psychological, 391 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:02.720 and I believe that working on the feelings can help 392 00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:06.799 change the behavior. But my friend likes to say, gaining 393 00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:12.359 weight is all about ewnh ewnh, eating when not hungry. 394 00:23:13.079 --> 00:23:15.480 If we could all just stop and ask ourselves are 395 00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:18.279 we hungry before we eat? That would help a lot. 396 00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:24.039 So what can you do? Contact your family doctor number one, 397 00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:27.480 get a referral for a registered dietitian or a mental 398 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:32.480 health professional or both. Maybe even join a support group 399 00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:37.200 like Overeaters Anonymous. It is impossible. It is one of 400 00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:40.839 the hardest things to overcome and eating disorder because, unlike 401 00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:43.119