Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
Speaker 1: I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM six forty.
Speaker 1: You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Sit back as for the next
Speaker 1: two hours, I'm going to solve all your love life problems.
Speaker 1: I wish if you're new to my show, I have
Speaker 1: a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at
Speaker 1: cal State University, Channel Islands. Hey, students, tomorrow morning, we're
Speaker 1: back in the classroom. You ready, You're ready for me.
Speaker 1: I feel like someone was a blink for you and you.
Speaker 2: I feel like you just had your last class.
Speaker 1: You were just greeting and now we're blinking. Well, made
Speaker 1: the choice to teach a summer class in zoo, so
Speaker 1: it was all a little Yeah. You know, teaching is
Speaker 1: easy if all you had to do was stand in
Speaker 1: front of the class and teach. But it's all the
Speaker 1: computer work, it's all the grading, it's all the readings.
Speaker 1: It's a lot, a lot. But anyway, we're going to
Speaker 1: be I'm feeling optimistic about this cohort, and it's different
Speaker 1: everything single semester because you get a group together in
Speaker 1: any room for anything, and they set up group rules
Speaker 1: right away. They are silent rules, silent messages, the way
Speaker 1: people look at each other and there some of the
Speaker 1: rules are don't ever talk out loud, that's awkward, and
Speaker 1: then another group the rule might be be open and chatty,
Speaker 1: have fun. When I get a class full of extroverts
Speaker 1: or where the rule is it's cool to talk, it
Speaker 1: makes my life a breeze. But when I stare at
Speaker 1: the silent faces for two hours and fifty minutes and
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on in there, and I'm
Speaker 1: asking questions and I'm trying to get them to it is.
Speaker 1: So that's when teaching is really hard. So I'm feeling good,
Speaker 1: but this cohort, I just have a sense it's going
Speaker 1: to be good starting tomorrow morning. Hey, a little bit
Speaker 1: of sad news in the World of Love. Somebody who's
Speaker 1: been on the podcast on Mating Matters and on this show,
Speaker 1: doctor Helen Fisher, has passed away this weekend after a
Speaker 1: heroic battle with cancer. She was a senior research fellow
Speaker 1: at the Kinsey Institute. The chief science advisor to match
Speaker 1: dot com, the co founder and chief science officer of Neurocolor,
Speaker 1: and she has also been a professor of anthropology at
Speaker 1: Rutgers University and also research associated at the American Museum
Speaker 1: of Natural History. She has been my idol, my mentor.
Speaker 1: Helen Fisher was both a highly skilled academic and also
Speaker 1: really media savvy and could turn some complicated research into
Speaker 1: language that everybody could understand. I received the email from
Speaker 1: I'm proud to call him my friend doctor Justin Garcia,
Speaker 1: who's also been on the show many times, head of
Speaker 1: the Kinsey Institute, and I asked doctor Garcia if he
Speaker 1: could be on the show with us to talk about
Speaker 1: as many years with doctor Fisher. He didn't get back
Speaker 1: to me for obvious reasons. There's funerals and stuff. And
Speaker 1: she got married actually for the first time, just four
Speaker 1: years ago, and he walked her down the aisle. So
Speaker 1: she had four wonderful years with the love of her life,
Speaker 1: John Tierney. Anyway, so a sad thing in the world
Speaker 1: of If you're in the world of love science like
Speaker 1: I am, that is a pillar that has just tumbled.
Speaker 1: And so we wish our thoughts and wishes are with
Speaker 1: Helen Fisher's family. All right, let's get into the trenches
Speaker 1: of love. I don't know, have you been living under
Speaker 1: a rock? Did you hear Benefars all gone? Now? Do
Speaker 1: you know what benefer is? It is Ben Affleck and
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez. I really if you don't know, she's a singer, actress.
Speaker 1: He's that movie maker actor guy. So on August twentieth,
Speaker 1: their second anniversary, you can analyze that, folks, Jennifer Lopez
Speaker 1: filed for divorce with no attorney involved for Bet Affleck.
Speaker 1: Now you got to remember and their house, their Beverly
Speaker 1: Hills or wherever house, sixty eight million dollars is on
Speaker 1: the market force. If you're looking for a house, there
Speaker 1: you go. They had a big, huge wedding in Georgia.
Speaker 1: They had a quick one in Vegas that she was
Speaker 1: so quick to post about on social media two years ago,
Speaker 1: and then a big Georgia one. Now, if you remember,
Speaker 1: they initially met way back in two thousand and two,
Speaker 1: and they like to say it was the launch of
Speaker 1: tabloids and they happened to be the couple at the moment,
Speaker 1: and they literally they met on the set of their
Speaker 1: movie Geek Geekly eatji le gili jigle g i g
Speaker 1: l I jiggle jig jiggly. Don't know. I didn't see it.
Speaker 1: You know why nobody saw it. Nobody saw it was
Speaker 1: a total bomb. He actually did press on it and
Speaker 1: made jokes about himself. But that's where the term benefit
Speaker 1: was formed. And they got engaged. She talked about how
Speaker 1: much she loved him. He talked about No, she didn't
Speaker 1: talk that. He didn't talk that much. She talked a
Speaker 1: lot about this relationship. I sense now I don't know
Speaker 1: the woman, but I sense this is a woman who's
Speaker 1: in love with love, who all her movies are rom comms. Right,
Speaker 1: and then they get back together. What is it like
Speaker 1: twelve years later or more than that? From two thousand
Speaker 1: and two they got engaged in two thousand and or
Speaker 1: January two thousand and four they were done after their
Speaker 1: movie that they did together bombed. He says the reason
Speaker 1: why they canceled their wedding was because of excessive media.
Speaker 1: This is the original one. Excessive media attention surrounding their
Speaker 1: original wedding we found, says Ben Affleck in a statement,
Speaker 1: We found ourselves seriously contemplating hiring three separate decoy brides
Speaker 1: at three different locations, and we realized something was awry.
Speaker 1: We felt that this should have been a joyful and
Speaker 1: sacred day and it could be spoiled for us, our family,
Speaker 1: and our friends. So they canceled right after their movie
Speaker 1: bombed Geek Glee in two thousand and three. Chili, there
Speaker 1: we go, Cheli, thank you, our pronunciation specialist, our linguist
Speaker 1: on staff, thank you very much. So they were supposed
Speaker 1: to be married in Santa Barbara on September fourteenth, two
Speaker 1: thousand and three. Their movie had just bombed. They cancel that.
Speaker 1: By January two thousand and four. They're done. It's over.
Speaker 1: They're done then, So twenty twenty one minus two thousand
Speaker 1: and four helped me out. Seventeen years later, she splits
Speaker 1: up from Alec Rodriguez. Ben Affleck is leaving his wife
Speaker 1: another Jennifer, whom he had three kids with. She has
Speaker 1: two kids. She's been married four times, so she had
Speaker 1: kids with Mark Anthony right A twins, and all of
Speaker 1: a sudden they start hanging out together. So it became
Speaker 1: official in July of twenty twenty one. So we're twenty
Speaker 1: twenty four. Now, that's only three years ago. Became official
Speaker 1: of them dating again. She posted a carousel of photos
Speaker 1: on her Instagram in honor of her fifty second berth.
Speaker 1: I remember that she made sure that she looked hot
Speaker 1: in a bathing suit and all that, and then she
Speaker 1: put a bunch of Bikinian boat pictures. In the final
Speaker 1: one was her kissing in him him kissing. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: think she's the one that led this whole thing. I
Speaker 1: think what really happened here. She's in love with love
Speaker 1: she as you know, very quickly. They did everything together.
Speaker 1: They made commercials together, and then she made that movie.
Speaker 1: So here's what I want to say. And I'm guessing
Speaker 1: I know nothing about this. Okay, this is reported. This
Speaker 1: is me guessing she perhaps has such an anxious attachment
Speaker 1: style that she's gonna go as public as she possibly
Speaker 1: can and make it as big as she possibly can
Speaker 1: because that could make her mates go, well, I can't
Speaker 1: leave now. Everybody knows about this. It's just too big, right.
Speaker 1: So the question is did she engender all this press
Speaker 1: to make their love extra public and that helped her
Speaker 1: maybe reduce her abandonment anxiety. In fact, the tabloid Page
Speaker 1: six reported that Benifer's marital Rose Moe's woes got it.
Speaker 1: Woes went all the way back to their honeymoon, on
Speaker 1: which the couple were hounded by photographers in Lake Cuomo, Italy,
Speaker 1: and Ben was very unhappy with the paparazzi following them,
Speaker 1: So who called on the dogs? You know, it is
Speaker 1: possible to be private in a cabin. You don't have
Speaker 1: to be out walking around Lake Cuomo where all the
Speaker 1: things are. You can go inside closed doors, be alone,
Speaker 1: have servants. It's not a lifestyle. He's new to those,
Speaker 1: so I don't know he's famous. Two exactly. Then she
Speaker 1: made a movie without his permission about their love story,
Speaker 1: The Greatest Love Thig of all right, and then it's
Speaker 1: called the Greatest Love Story Never Told. And then she
Speaker 1: made a companion documentary called This Is Me. And even
Speaker 1: in the documentary, Jennifer Lopez reflected on Ben's discomfort with
Speaker 1: some of her artistic choice. She said, I don't think
Speaker 1: he's very comfortable with me doing all of this, but
Speaker 1: he loves me. He knows I'm an artist, and he's
Speaker 1: going to support me in every way he can because
Speaker 1: he knows he can't stop me from making the music
Speaker 1: I made and writing the songs, I wrote, it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean he's comfortable being my muse. Oh apparently elsewhere in
Speaker 1: the documentary, I did not see the scene Affleck is
Speaker 1: captured realizing that Lopez is sharing his private love letters
Speaker 1: to her with a team Oh wow as something for
Speaker 1: the movie. That's mad. And as you know, she was
Speaker 1: hate bombed on TikTok this summer, then she canceled her
Speaker 1: summer tour. You know what they say, you have to
Speaker 1: reach an all is lost moment. It's like a rom com.
Speaker 1: She's in the all is Lost moment in her own
Speaker 1: rom com. And maybe it's time that her next relationship
Speaker 1: is with a good licensed therapist. I'm not saying he
Speaker 1: didn't have a piece in it. I don't know anything
Speaker 1: about him. Only thing I know about the dude is
Speaker 1: he's recovering. He has struggled with addiction in his life,
Speaker 1: which you know can be a hard road. But you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know where he is now and whatever? All right,
Speaker 1: when we come back you your life, should you get
Speaker 1: back with your ex? Is going retrosexual? A good idea?
Speaker 1: Let me explain. You are listening to the doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls show. Ok, I am six forty but live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Getting Back Together. I've been singing that so loud. Never
Speaker 1: have a That's what Taylor Swift brings out of people.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, that was a great song. A shually. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you can't write about going retrosexual without that. Now, I
Speaker 1: do want to say something about the term retrosexual. I
Speaker 1: like to think I coined it. I don't know if
Speaker 1: I did. I've been saying it for years. It happened.
Speaker 1: I'm going like ten years ago when people joined Facebook
Speaker 1: for the first time, maybe fifteen years ago, and they're
Speaker 1: finding all their old friends and then they find their
Speaker 1: high school sweetheart, or they find the college person that
Speaker 1: they had a little thing with, and now it's thirty
Speaker 1: years later, twenty years later, they're all grown up and
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, maybe and I'll go back there. I
Speaker 1: actually know a couple. They were at my wedding. Did
Speaker 1: you meet Dana and Carl from New York? I might have, Okay,
Speaker 1: I met a lot of people, but I had a
Speaker 1: lot of drinks. They were middle school sweethearts and found
Speaker 1: each other many years later and now are madly in
Speaker 1: love and everything going great. So that kind of retrosexual
Speaker 1: can work, right, because you were at the stage of
Speaker 1: life where for sure nobody was at their stage of readiness.
Speaker 1: State of readiness, right, we're talking about middle school, high school, college, right.
Speaker 1: But if you had an adult romantic relationship with somebody
Speaker 1: and it went south, and you think, just because time
Speaker 1: has passed, they're going to be a different person, and
Speaker 1: oh yeah, you're going to be a different person, that
Speaker 1: everything is going to be fine now just because there's time. No,
Speaker 1: So that's the other kind of retrosexual where you go
Speaker 1: back to the scene of the crime, You go back
Speaker 1: and you live it out again. Now, there is an
Speaker 1: allure to going retrosexual because of the familiarity, Right, you
Speaker 1: don't have to do all that early stage getting to
Speaker 1: know you stuff. But I will tell you the couples
Speaker 1: very quickly fall back into their old relationship patterns. Remember
Speaker 1: that every relationship we have with anybody, cowork or family, friend, whatever,
Speaker 1: they enliven a piece of our personality. One of the
Speaker 1: reasons I think I said this last week, Kayla, that
Speaker 1: I had so much fun at my own wedding, Thank
Speaker 1: you very much, was because I looked around the room
Speaker 1: during the dinner. I looked around the dance floor later,
Speaker 1: and every single person was a piece of me, everybody
Speaker 1: I knew. There were no strangers in the room, and
Speaker 1: it felt comforting. I felt literally complete. I felt together right,
Speaker 1: because we're not supposed to be the exact same person
Speaker 1: to everybody. I know. In our culture we use that
Speaker 1: term two faced, no two faced. We're supposed to be
Speaker 1: two face, three face, six pas whatever. We're supposed to
Speaker 1: be a little different because each person helps us grow
Speaker 1: a piece of ourself. Right. However, when it comes to
Speaker 1: our love relationships, if it's been bad, it will go
Speaker 1: back to bad very quickly. My favorite metaphor for this,
Speaker 1: because love is the best drug that we have, is
Speaker 1: that of a drug addic. You've probably heard years and
Speaker 1: years after being sober that an attic might say, oh, well,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just gonna try one line of cocaine
Speaker 1: because I just don't eat more. Just that one, right,
Speaker 1: and before they know it, they're in the same bad
Speaker 1: place they were before. So rekindling old love can do
Speaker 1: the same thing. In less I'm gonna give you some criteria.
Speaker 1: You do it mindfully, and that means with the help
Speaker 1: of a professional therapist, and you attempt to do things differently.
Speaker 1: So here's my little advice on how to get back
Speaker 1: with your ex. If you were hell bent on doing it,
Speaker 1: you went on Facebook. You found your high school. Well,
Speaker 1: if high school is different, you found somebody you dated
Speaker 1: ten years ago. Whatever, All right. Number one, make sure
Speaker 1: that both of you take equal responsibility for what happened
Speaker 1: in the previous relationship. If one person feels superior because
Speaker 1: they blame the other for what happened, you're going to
Speaker 1: have a difficult time having equal footing in the future.
Speaker 1: So both of you have to be in a space
Speaker 1: where you can say my bad, you know what I did.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and you go, no, no, really it
Speaker 1: was me. What I did was this. If you can
Speaker 1: both take equal responsibility for the things that went wrong,
Speaker 1: that's a good sign. Also, make sure that both of
Speaker 1: you have undergone separate personal therapy. You now know your issues,
Speaker 1: you're working to change yourself. You can now enter that
Speaker 1: relationship as a new person. What is the point of therapy.
Speaker 1: The point of therapy is to either if it's psychodynamic,
Speaker 1: make the unconscious conscious, so your things hidden in your
Speaker 1: unconscious don't control your behavior in a negative way, or
Speaker 1: to teach you new behaviors that help you create new
Speaker 1: feelings and new ways of being. But you've got to
Speaker 1: be a different person. That means both of you have
Speaker 1: had to undergo this. And finally, you wanna not fall
Speaker 1: back into your old relationship patterns, that old dynamic and
Speaker 1: so I highly suggest that you begin your new relationship
Speaker 1: with couple's therapy, not going to his therapist or not
Speaker 1: going to hurt therapist, getting a whole new therapist who
Speaker 1: meets the two of you for the first time. This
Speaker 1: is how you can learn new ways of relating and
Speaker 1: not be triggered by all the pain from the past. So, yeah,
Speaker 1: is it possible, No, it's not. Maybe, sort of kind of,
Speaker 1: But for the most part, I suggest that you listen
Speaker 1: to Taylor Swift and never get back with an X
Speaker 1: because there are lots of other fish in the sea,
Speaker 1: lots of other fish. Incity, you don't need to go there,
Speaker 1: but retrosexual from like childhood sweetheart. That's kind of cute
Speaker 1: because nobody was ready back then. All right, when we
Speaker 1: come back, I want to divulge and share with you
Speaker 1: that there was only one occasion in my life. For
Speaker 1: a very short period of time, a matter of maybe
Speaker 1: three months, I had what I now look back on
Speaker 1: as an eating disorder. I will tell you what precipitated it,
Speaker 1: I will tell you how it presented itself, and I
Speaker 1: will tell you how I eventually got over it. So
Speaker 1: can we talk about emotional eating when we come back.
Speaker 1: I've got some thoughts. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty WeLive everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Kaylene, I want to go eat something right now. This
Speaker 1: is a song that's a hunger. It makes me excited
Speaker 1: for Thanksgiving every single time I hear that song. You
Speaker 1: pick the music, you really do pick great music. So
Speaker 1: food is delicious. Food is good for us. Hey, welcome
Speaker 1: back to the Doctor Towny Walls Show and KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. Food is wonderful, It is nutritious, it is satiating,
Speaker 1: it brings us pleasure. However, some eating is considered emotional eating.
Speaker 1: For the most part, I have been the same body
Speaker 1: weight my whole life, I mean, give or take five
Speaker 1: pounds here or there, except pregnancy. Those babies, they take
Speaker 1: up a lot of Wait. Yeah, And however, if you've
Speaker 1: been with me all these years, you probably have heard
Speaker 1: me tell the story that I was a tea nature
Speaker 1: modeling in Paris. I was raped by the owner of
Speaker 1: my modeling agency, and I came home feeling like a failure,
Speaker 1: that somehow everything was my fault. I felt great shame.
Speaker 1: I didn't tell anybody, and of course all they wanted
Speaker 1: to know is how is Paris? How is modeling? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, let me see your portfolio and whatever. And
Speaker 1: I had no job. I'd finished high school and I
Speaker 1: hadn't started university. I was thinking of applying. I didn't
Speaker 1: know what to do. And I went to my parents'
Speaker 1: fridge and I started making these very tall sandwiches, very tall,
Speaker 1: like they were five six inches tall sandwiches. You squeeze
Speaker 1: them down, you can get them in your mouth. And
Speaker 1: I remember eating to the point where I almost felt nauseous,
Speaker 1: and I would lie down, and then like an hour later,
Speaker 1: I'd go make myself another one, and I'd force myself
Speaker 1: to eat it. I was trying so hard to eat
Speaker 1: my feelings to make the pain go away, and that
Speaker 1: somehow this pleasure would somehow help. And maybe unconsciously, there
Speaker 1: was a piece of me that's like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to look like a model. I don't want people to
Speaker 1: say that about me anymore. I managed to gain about
Speaker 1: twenty pounds from my parents' fridge, which is a ginormous
Speaker 1: amount of weight if you're an ectomorph and you've been
Speaker 1: tall and skin of your whole life. Eventually, a friend
Speaker 1: of mine said, let's take the bus. This is nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty to Key West, Florida from Canada. Because I looked
Speaker 1: at a globe. I was lying there in a dead
Speaker 1: of winter and I was spinning a globe and I
Speaker 1: looked this way before the internet everybody, and I saw
Speaker 1: the most southerness point tip of the continental United States,
Speaker 1: and it was Key West, Florida. And I said to
Speaker 1: my girlfriend, let's just take a bus there. It took
Speaker 1: us like two and a half days. We slept on
Speaker 1: the Greyhound the whole thing, and we got there and
Speaker 1: there was something about the sunshine. I got a job
Speaker 1: in making conk fritters in a van on the beach
Speaker 1: and nobody put pressure on me to be a model
Speaker 1: or be beautiful. I let my hair go crazy. I
Speaker 1: sunburned myself till my nose peeled. It didn't matter. I
Speaker 1: didn't have an agent going. But did you do to
Speaker 1: your skin? I just relaxed and that and along with
Speaker 1: the sunshine, because I also learned I had a little
Speaker 1: senial effective disorder helped now. Just last week I was
Speaker 1: on I Do the Morning show, the Today's Show in Australia,
Speaker 1: and I was on as a guest, and the guest
Speaker 1: right before me was a formerly obese journalist from the
Speaker 1: UK who had taken ozempic and written a book about
Speaker 1: this experience of losing all this weight. And the journalist
Speaker 1: asked this person, did you They say one of the
Speaker 1: side effects is depression. Did you experience depression? And he
Speaker 1: said yes and no, And I want to explain. He said.
Speaker 1: There was this one night where I had a bad day,
Speaker 1: so I wanted to go to my go to thing,
Speaker 1: which is go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and order an
Speaker 1: entire bucket of the kernels, which on any other time
Speaker 1: I would have been able to finish off the entire bucket,
Speaker 1: he said, So I was on ozembic. I ate two
Speaker 1: pieces and I felt completely full. I did not want
Speaker 1: to have any more. And immediately afterwards, I felt deeply
Speaker 1: sad because I didn't have my go to remedy for
Speaker 1: my emotional pain. I realized that my eating had been
Speaker 1: emotional eating. I thought that was so insightful and so
Speaker 1: much self awareness to be able to figure that out.
Speaker 1: So emotional eating is an impulse to eat whenever you've
Speaker 1: got unpleasant emotions like what happened to me way back when,
Speaker 1: and it actually there's research that shows that emotional eating
Speaker 1: can actually change the brain's reward system and reduce your
Speaker 1: ability to even notice when you're physically hungry or when
Speaker 1: you're full. In other words, eating just becomes a habit
Speaker 1: around emotions. Research shows at about one in five people
Speaker 1: in America engage in emotional eating often or very often. Also,
Speaker 1: what you eat when you're upset matters because certain types
Speaker 1: of food reinforce your emotional eating response. So signs of
Speaker 1: emotional eating eating when you're upset, eating really quickly, having
Speaker 1: guilt or shame about having eaten. Your most frequent thing
Speaker 1: that you consume, fast food filled with those feel good,
Speaker 1: addictive things, eating too much, having specific food cravings or
Speaker 1: having unintentionional weighting. So I have a friend who's a
Speaker 1: registered dietitian who says it's all behavioral. You just got
Speaker 1: to change your behavior. However, emotional eating is also deeply psychological,
Speaker 1: and I believe that working on the feelings can help
Speaker 1: change the behavior. But my friend likes to say, gaining
Speaker 1: weight is all about ewnh ewnh, eating when not hungry.
Speaker 1: If we could all just stop and ask ourselves are
Speaker 1: we hungry before we eat? That would help a lot.
Speaker 1: So what can you do? Contact your family doctor number one,
Speaker 1: get a referral for a registered dietitian or a mental
Speaker 1: health professional or both. Maybe even join a support group
Speaker 1: like Overeaters Anonymous. It is impossible. It is one of
Speaker 1: the hardest things to overcome and eating disorder because, unlike
Speaker 1: giving up anything else, you give it up, you abstain
Speaker 1: from it. But with an eating disorder you have to
Speaker 1: go to the fridge three times a day and walk
Speaker 1: the tiger. So I know how hard it is. I
Speaker 1: also know the emotional pain associated with it, so I do.
Speaker 1: If this is you, I really want you to reach
Speaker 1: out for some professional help. When we come back I'm
Speaker 1: really going to change gears here. I don't do segways. Well.
Speaker 1: I've been thinking a lot about how patriarchy and misogyny
Speaker 1: that flies around our culture hurts women, obviously when it's
Speaker 1: an overt act against them. However, there's a lot of
Speaker 1: patriarchy that's inside women. I used to have a bit
Speaker 1: of it myself, and it can really mess up our
Speaker 1: love lives. I want to explain this a little further
Speaker 1: when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: KI Am six forty you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 1: This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
Speaker 1: welcome my TikTok audience. If you would like to come
Speaker 1: into the studio live and see what we have going
Speaker 1: on here, you are welcome to log onto my TikTok
Speaker 1: at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. If you're
Speaker 1: new to me, I'm talking to the TikTokers now, OKAYKFI listeners.
Speaker 1: I know you already heard this if you're new to me.
Speaker 1: I've a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor.
Speaker 1: I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on
Speaker 1: attachment theory. I'm a little bit obsessed with the science
Speaker 1: of love. And after this segment, I'm going to be
Speaker 1: taking your calls. You can call in and get some
Speaker 1: of my wisdom and all weigh in on your love life.
Speaker 1: I'll let the number out here. I pinned it on TikTok.
Speaker 1: It's one eight hundred and five two zero one five
Speaker 1: three four not yet after the segment, one eight hundred
Speaker 1: five two zero one kfi Okay, I've been wanting to
Speaker 1: address this topic. It's occurred to me. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: a feminist. We hear about patriarchy, and oh, isn't it terrible.
Speaker 1: We don't make as much money as they do when
Speaker 1: they discriminate against us, and there's those glass seeling and
Speaker 1: all that stuff. But I realize the patriarchy can also
Speaker 1: hurt our love lives. Now, not just in an external way,
Speaker 1: not just in us being treated like, don't worry your
Speaker 1: pretty little head about that, honey, and let me let
Speaker 1: me open that little door for you. You seem a
Speaker 1: little weaker.
Speaker 2: I don't know what.
Speaker 1: Why do I do a Southern accent when I'm doing
Speaker 1: as appropriate male. I don't know why it seems so appropriate.
Speaker 1: Probably lots of liberal males in the South, but whatever.
Speaker 1: So but I want to tell you something else that
Speaker 1: internalized patriarchy can be just as dangerous for our love relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you story. I always have stories, because
Speaker 1: you know I've had. I don't. I don't want to
Speaker 1: tell you how many decades of dating that I had.
Speaker 1: But if you're new to me on TikTok, I got
Speaker 1: married two weeks ago. I'm a bridal manicure there, I don't.
Speaker 1: I'll never have nails that look like this ever again.
Speaker 1: Your nails a fabulous. I had a spray on tan
Speaker 1: it's gone now, I think. And a hair piece right,
Speaker 1: fake eyelashes, fake bridle. I look good. They need to
Speaker 1: check out your Instagram at doctor all the videos on there.
Speaker 1: I wonder if I can take that video and put
Speaker 1: on TikTok. I think I can. I need some tech advice. Okay,
Speaker 1: So years ago I dated a man who was a
Speaker 1: lovely man. He was very kind. They just put a
Speaker 1: hat in a mustache on man. I don't know how
Speaker 1: they do that on TikTok. It's very weird. And but
Speaker 1: one day I love to do the cooking and I
Speaker 1: love to serve a man. It's something I just love
Speaker 1: to do. And so I served him dinner and then
Speaker 1: something one of my kids spilt something or something, and
Speaker 1: he jumped up and he ran to the sink and
Speaker 1: he got the cloth and he came back and he
Speaker 1: was down on his hands and knees cleaning the spilled spaghetti.
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I lost my heart on I
Speaker 1: was just like, is not masculine enough for me? It's
Speaker 1: not manly enough for me? Right? I was crazy? Indeed
Speaker 1: I was crazy. Yeah. So now I happened to be
Speaker 1: married to a man who has two favorite activities well
Speaker 1: three because he's a dude, but the main ones are
Speaker 1: doing dishes and laundry. And I feel I've scored. But
Speaker 1: what changed was me. This whole idea of what is
Speaker 1: masculine and what is feminine I had to get rid
Speaker 1: of in my life. And I found the happiest relationship
Speaker 1: in my life with a guy whose nickname for me
Speaker 1: is CEO or boss, and I feel totally comfortable with that, right,
Speaker 1: and he's very masculine to me, especially where it counts.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Anyway, So I want to
Speaker 1: say that patriarchy swims inside us. Now, what is patriarchy
Speaker 1: if you don't know, It's a social system that basically
Speaker 1: holds authority over women. It encourages male leadership, male domination,
Speaker 1: male power, and in some ways patriarchy. When women, unknowingly
Speaker 1: ingest it, we become the foot soldiers of patriarchy for
Speaker 1: the men. One of the primary ways we do it
Speaker 1: is we attack other women and keep them down. We
Speaker 1: mock other women. We may label other women as slut, stupid,
Speaker 1: or weak. We may decrease other women's value because we
Speaker 1: feel less than and we feel we have to compete
Speaker 1: with those women, so we put them down. That is
Speaker 1: patriarchy at work. Also, we have internalized ideas about gender roles,
Speaker 1: as I did years ago, right with that guy. We
Speaker 1: have ideas about who invites the person on a date,
Speaker 1: who drives to the date, who pays for the date. Now,
Speaker 1: I do want to say this because I've always said
Speaker 1: it that in heterosexual mating relationships, you can send me
Speaker 1: all kinds of nasty emails and texts and dms after
Speaker 1: I say this. In heterosexual relationships, men should pay for
Speaker 1: the first date. And the reason why is because they
Speaker 1: like to sacrifice. We have to give them the gift
Speaker 1: of sacrifice. We value the mate that we sacrifice for. Look, ladies,
Speaker 1: if we put on nails and hair and do all
Speaker 1: that stuff for a guy, we do it because we're
Speaker 1: sacrificing for him because we like him a lot. So
Speaker 1: we have to allow people to sacrifice a little. But
Speaker 1: as you get into the dating thing. I think we
Speaker 1: are on like our fourth date, and I said to
Speaker 1: my dude, hey, can we talk about this check here?
Speaker 1: I think it might be my turn, And he's like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm a Latin male. I pay. I'm like, dude, I
Speaker 1: think I make about the same as you. We should
Speaker 1: just be a little more equitable here, and then it
Speaker 1: all got easier. The other way that women hurt themselves
Speaker 1: in their love lives with internalized patriarchy is with that
Speaker 1: unfair distribution of labor within the household. Women feel like
Speaker 1: they're responsible for the kids, the cleaning the house as
Speaker 1: while they're out there also getting a career and working
Speaker 1: just as hard as everybody else. But I think the biggest,
Speaker 1: the biggest reason, our biggest way the patriarchy hurts women
Speaker 1: is we fear being real, being authentic, right because we're
Speaker 1: afraid that it will hurt our relationship if we speak
Speaker 1: our mind, if we have our voice. I'll tell you
Speaker 1: I married a guy. I met a guy, and I'm
Speaker 1: married a guy who loves a big mouth woman. Just what.
Speaker 1: He had a big mouth mother, so he thinks it's cool.
Speaker 1: So it's okay to be real. It's okay to have
Speaker 1: a voice.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: When we come back, I am taking your calls. If
Speaker 1: you have a relationship question. The number is one eight
Speaker 1: hundred five to two zero one KFI. That's one eight
Speaker 1: hundred five two zero one five three four. Remember I'm
Speaker 1: not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written
Speaker 1: three books on relationships and I'm happy to weigh in.
Speaker 1: So give us a call. A TikTok. I pinned the
Speaker 1: phone number up there, so producer, Kayla, you're going to
Speaker 1: go out there, and yeah, look she's running to the
Speaker 1: phones now. If you will call, she says she can't
Speaker 1: even get there fast enough. You're dialing, so fast one
Speaker 1: eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You
Speaker 1: are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
Speaker 1: been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
Speaker 1: us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
Speaker 1: nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app