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Speaker 2: On Softcore History, we finally talk about King Baldwin.
Speaker 1: Four, in other words, the cool guy in the metal
mask from Kingdom of Heaven, the Ridley Scott two thousand
and five classic.
Speaker 2: And sure that might have been a Ridley Scott creative
decision to include the mask, but we're gonna pretend it
happened anyway.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you told me he didn't wear the mask, and
I'm still mentally picturing him in the middle Mass the
entire time.
Speaker 2: Welcome to Softcore History. Welcome back to the Softcore History.
I'm your host for the week. Damn Or Jester joined
as always by Rob Fox.
Speaker 1: What's going on? And that is it don't have a
deep bench.
Speaker 2: I don't want it. Not this week we're talking off
air very minimally, we didn't.
Speaker 1: It was very much or almost like Oasis at this point.
The Gallagher brothers like, or.
Speaker 2: Just get over enough studge with me and we'll play
a fucking soul in the spot. Fucking I y I
want to get paid per word with you? Oh you
want to?
Speaker 1: Charles dickens it mm hmm yeah, which is.
Speaker 2: So anything we say I need to recorded and it
needs to be monetized. So I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Always the cut of the money we make based on
who speaks more.
Speaker 2: No, oh okay, I just there's no point to have
a conversation with you if for not o it's nothing personal.
It's not like I don't like you, but like, why
talk to you if we can't record?
Speaker 1: I have to do it so much on Mike, Why
do it off Mike?
Speaker 2: It's like like what a because you're like, oh, hey,
how's the rent fair? How about we talk about it
on the show.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you didn't respond to me at all. I
was like, how was the rent fair? You could have
been like sweet, let's talk about on the show. You're
just like, hold on, hold on, dude, hold on, and
then you didn't say anything for like eight minutes.
Speaker 2: Let's get down the business. How was the rent fair?
I guess past us out on air? You were like, Hey,
should we get so and so to be on the show.
We have a couple of guests I could get. I'm like, no,
let's do a two man show. I got too much
to talk about because you know how many pages I wrote.
You said you eked out five pages for your Patroon
episode today.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, which is the opposite of what I did
for the Patreon episode last week, which was like eight
or nine pages of notes. I got twelve pages. Good lord.
Speaker 2: We started earlier night because I wanted to go to
bed early. But I guess here, we fucking know. You're like, oh,
I finally get to go to bed before midnight. I'm like,
hold on, sair, not so fast. We're going three hours.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll keep the gap into a minut. Let's just
just get into this fucking thing.
Speaker 2: Ah, dude. The Renfrare was awesome. Man, it was a
great time. Huh had a blast. I showered, I did mushrooms.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what you did shower when I got home. Oh,
but I was a filthy little I think you should have.
I wouldn't bear it. I think you should have gone
to like a bathhouse at the ren fair. Did they
have any of those?
Speaker 2: They had showers so you could pay for it. That's stupid.
I don't want to take a modern shower. I want
to be bathed for the campground. So the campgrounds, it
was kind of like anything goes right, you just show up.
There was no rules, regulations, people were I think there were.
I realized this when we were at the bonfire at
three am. There might just be homeless people there.
Speaker 1: There almost certainly had to be.
Speaker 2: There might just be people that bounce festival festival because
you pay twenty five bucks to get in just the
camp but you're good, like you. No one's like enforcing
for you to leave, right, You could say there for
four months if you want to, what for twenty five
the ren fairs four months? Huh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's homeless people there.
Speaker 2: I mean, not like not inside the festival, but the campgrounds,
yeah side of it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, that's a great racket.
Speaker 2: Why wouldn't you just get a tent post up for
four months? Twenty five bucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you were probably mostly surrounded by hoboes.
Speaker 2: I realized that when we went to the giant fire
in the middle of the campgrounds, where everybody in costume
started to dwindle away, and it almost appeared as if
it was the gathering of the Juggalos.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? I mean, I can visualize that,
But what did you see? What are the things you
saw at this renaissance fair?
Speaker 2: The main star of this bonfire on this particular night,
and it was a magical night because I was doing
magic mushrooms, I was following Scott Lopez, who was on
the show last week, was dressed as a wizard. I
made everything infinitely better because I just kept saying, follow
the wizard, doesn't matter if we get lost for the wizard.
Towards the end of the night, it went from you know,
relatively attractive people in costume to this middle aged man,
bald go tee, probably thirty percent body fat, had a
bottle of Henny in his hand, okay, and just kind
of started doing like his own little his own little
dance okay, and he was scaring the hose.
Speaker 1: That sounds hope, Well, I was gonna say, yeah, that
sounds scared of the hose.
Speaker 2: But here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Based on the setting, I don't know what would scare
the hose that go to that.
Speaker 2: It looked like we were under thirty five. Dude.
Speaker 1: There's just a place to like get fucked up for
four months, right Yeah, yeah, like you and there's showers.
Speaker 2: There's really no police. The police are there and they're
just like whatever. You've kind of moved along. Yeah. People
were like giving hand jobs in front of the cops.
They said nothing.
Speaker 1: What Yeah, really buried that lead. I mean it was
getting jerked off in front of a cop.
Speaker 2: I mean someone just kind of went fully nude. Dude
went dong out at the campfire and hopped the fire.
Speaker 1: Oh and it was a it was a big beast.
Speaker 2: It almost dangled into the flame. Oh he was, he was.
He was hanging don He was hanging Donu. I mean, yeah,
you don't do it if you're not. I told Boosh too,
I said you should hang nub. Yeah, like have the
confidence to throw that little acorn out.
Speaker 1: Because it's not about how big it is, it's about
how confident you are in it.
Speaker 2: They had naked Jenga there. Naked Jenga naked Jenga. There
was a don't feel like that effects the game.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a bunch of naked stuff, okay, other are
swinger tads and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: It's never the ones that you want, I imagine with
puns like naughty ham not oh nice like that.
Speaker 1: So it's just like a bunch of uhgoes drilling each
other in the forest.
Speaker 2: You know which.
Speaker 1: By the wait, there are a lot of.
Speaker 2: Like ugly people there with just the most confidence I've ever.
Speaker 1: Seen because they're in their element.
Speaker 2: It is it is their element there. Yeah, a lot
of people steal validor though and don't really understand what
the Renaissance is.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you this much. It sounds like you can't.
Speaker 2: Dress up as a Roman or a Spartan's asenide for
a medieval fair. Do you know what I think?
Speaker 1: Just hearing everything you said, what I think the most
accurate part of the Renaissance fair was historically.
Speaker 2: The smell.
Speaker 1: Oh I smelled like Donkey Dick. Yeah, I feel like
everyone smelled historically accurate.
Speaker 2: I ate nothing but meat on sticks. Well, obviously drank
a bunch of booze, did a bunch of drugs, didn't
ship for two days. Finally got the poop today. He
pooped for two days just out of like, No, I
just couldn't, Okay, didn't. Did you drink it all require
me to? Yeah? I drank a lot and shit and
usually mushrooms make me shit. It's weird. Today there was
just a fucking meat missile that came out. Yeah it hurt. Yeah,
I was struggling. Maybe it felt good.
Speaker 1: That said, though, I had high five in the prostate
all the way.
Speaker 2: It's a great time. I would recommend it. Okay. It's
probably one of the better run fairs I ever have
been to have a limit in it, too, So it's
the better one. Top two, yeah, top one.
Speaker 1: Top one, yea, the best one.
Speaker 2: Today's subject we're actually going to talk about, you know,
a medieval king.
Speaker 1: You usually, uh, whatever you've recently done bleeds into your subject.
Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes I've also talked about this man,
I think for like four straight episodes.
Speaker 1: So I figured I'd just do the episode.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: I just assume, like you're going home to Philly for Christmas.
I just assume you're gonna come back with some like
Philly top. I never really do Philly, so you don't
I do Saint Louis all the time, all the time.
Speaker 2: That's your crutch. I like inspiration though for real life
like things I'm getting into. And I watched Kingdom of
Heaven recently, so I'm sorry, sick movie. Yeah dude, I'm
gonna talk about King Bodwin all right? Oh yeah?
Speaker 1: Who you all as went as four?
Speaker 2: Well? I tried to. I wanted to, because that's not
a single King Baldwin at the rent Fair, not to crush.
Were there were there any Swiss guards?
Speaker 1: Not a single Swiss guard either. That costumes only one
hundred dollars on Amazon, like that, you could do that.
Speaker 2: People were coming up to Scott though as a wizard
just because of his hat in his cape. If I
if I went as Baldwin, I feel like I would
have been approached NonStop, none stop.
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe even as a Swiss guard. Yes, it's a.
Speaker 2: Swiss guards, especially if you had the the axe pike situation.
Hallbird maybe they carry a hallbird. It is whatever. Yeah,
you're crushing doing that. A lot of pirates, I know,
pirates have kind of spended time since like the Greek.
Speaker 1: Time more, I mean pirates kidnapped Caesar. But we think
of and I assume what they were dressed as was
sixteenth sorry, seventeenth, eighteenth century pirates.
Speaker 2: Which again the shouldn't really be in the ren fair. Nope,
get the fuck out.
Speaker 1: We need to set some guidelines fellas.
Speaker 2: There shouldn't somebody walking around dressed like Francis Drake.
Speaker 1: You want to do a pirate. He was half pirate,
half admiral, depending on you know, his time of I think.
Speaker 2: The Spanish just declared him a pirate.
Speaker 1: But yeah, man, fuck fuck those motherfuckers dressed like Jack's
barrow assholes. But like I said, I have twelve pages.
Let's get into already a quarter of an hour into it.
Speaker 2: And so Baldwin was born in mid eleven sixty one.
Bodwin's godfather was his paternal uncle, King Bodwin Third, who
jokingly gave the Kingdom of Jerusalem as his baptismal gift.
Speaker 1: Oh, it was a joke gift. It is a joke gift.
Hell yeah, wait what nationality was Baldwin.
Speaker 2: The Kingdom, though surrounded by Arab Muslim states, ruled by
the Franks, French speaking Catholics who had arrived into the
levant from Western Europe and remained Western in culture. Uncle
Bodwin the third was young and recently married, making his
nephew's ascension pretty unlikely. Okay, like that, it was a joke,
like he's not like, hey, you're next to line.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was just like ha ha.
Speaker 2: But Balbwin the IID was poisoned by his Syrian Orthodox
doctor and died childless in eleven sixty three. His brother
and Baldwin the Force's father, Almeric, was his heir. But
the nobles in the Kingdom strongly opposed Amark's wife, Agnes
Agnes of Courtney. Yep, why was she bitch? They believed
she was a total liability bitch. She's not really a bitch.
Her family was one of the more respected in the realm.
How was she a liability? Though? They had lost all
their territory in Odessa to Muslim control, and the High
Court did not see them as a beneficial ally. Oh
so they were just kind of sitting there like, oh,
you you guys were important at one point. Yeah he lost.
You're nice and all, but it's just not gonna work out. Yeah,
you could be the king's brother's wife. Yeah you can't
be the king's wife, right right right? The High Court
forced Almric to agree to annulment of his marriage on
the grounds of incest in orders to be accepted as king.
What they weren't super related. This was just kind of
like a bullshit excuse.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, but that's what I'm saying. So he
was like, fuck, hey babe, I'm not gonna be king
unless I say that you were like doing your brother
or something and divorce you. Well, annull you.
Speaker 2: So they had similar ancestors that they could like track
back to.
Speaker 1: Oh so it's like the marriage never should have happened
because they were too related, an ironic reason to not
get married for European royalty.
Speaker 2: But sure it was a BS excuse to get her out. Yeah, yea,
yeah yeah, so like of course you get in all
that into.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like the opposite of the Carhart thing, right,
nobody wants to everyone wants to have incest.
Speaker 2: Do you gotta do incest? Shit?
Speaker 1: It's like not all everyone does want to do incest.
But then they're just like, oh, it's bad when we
feel like saying it's bad.
Speaker 2: Americ succeeded in having his and Agnes's children, Sibylla and Baldwin,
declared legitimate, though despite the annulment, So even though they
are no longer married, Baldwin the Fourth is now still air. Okay,
it's still legit an important point because if they were
just like, no, they're bastard kids now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he wouldn't master children living on the street.
Speaker 2: Baldwin grew up without a mother, as Agnes remarried soon
after the annulment and only saw Baldwin on public occasions.
He also seldom saw his sister, who was raised in
the convent of Saint Lazarus by their great aunt. Was
she a nun? No? Was the antonine?
Speaker 1: I guess no, no, none of these things.
Speaker 2: Okay, everybody, they're just living at a convent. Sure, why not?
I mean, he's fucking king of Jerusalem. Yeah, yeah, whatever.
The nine year old prince was sent to live with
William of Tire, a sophisticated, well traveled cleric. William noticed that,
unlike other children in the playground, Baldwin did not cry
when pinched or hit by his peers. After a while,
because he's hard. It became apparent to the tutor that
Baldwin could not feel pain in his right arm.
Speaker 1: Even as a kid.
Speaker 2: So he got he got the he got the leap early.
H how do you even just get it?
Speaker 1: What do you fucking brush up against a bum walk
in the streets.
Speaker 2: They think it was from like a wet nurse or
something early in his childhood.
Speaker 1: Okay, you really got to vet those wet nurses. You
wouldn't believe.
Speaker 2: That's how.
Speaker 1: Uh, that's how. The worst thing ever. I've said this
on other shows, but the funniest piece of act celebrity
activism in the history of Earth is the Foo Fighters
being anti AIDS medicine in the nineties basically, and they
did a concert for this chick who was like, had
a They just didn't believe that HIV caused AIDS. They
thought there were separate things, and so you didn't need
to take medicine if you had HIV because AIDS wouldn't
happen and you wouldn't die Anyway. This woman who was
in charge of it has convinced the Foo Fighters of this,
and the Foo Fighters played a bunch of concerts, and
long story short, the woman did get AIDS and she
gave it to her baby daughter who died when she
was like three or four.
Speaker 2: And that baby daughter got it through Uh.
Speaker 1: Probably the breast milk is how they believe because she
was breastfeeding the kid. It's like like, but aren't you
worried because you have HIV and aid And she's like, hey,
HIV isn't a big deal. It doesn't I'm fine and
HIV doesn't cause AIDS. Just shut up And here's the
Food Fighters Dave taken away.
Speaker 2: Do you think this inspired the lyrics? What if I
say I'm not like the other What if I say
I'm not just another one of your plays you're the pretender?
What if I say I will never surrender?
Speaker 1: Yes, directly directly related to that dead woman and her
dead child who both died of AIDS.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but kind of a smash it. Yeah, probably their
biggest song.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to suffer for art, and it's actually
uh optimal if you're not the one suffering for the art.
Speaker 2: I will say Wolf of Wall Street when they start
playing ever long takes me out of the movie.
Speaker 1: That is especially weird because Scorsese has such good musical
taste usually, yeah, like he's putting the classics. Yeah, he
put cream and rolling stones like that in all his movies.
And then like, yeah, you just drop the Food Fighters
in there, like I'm supposed to respect that.
Speaker 2: Now, they hired the Arabian Christian physician Abu Solomon Duad
to treat Baldwin in another Arab Abu Kayr to teach
Baldwin to horse ride and essential skill set needed for
Frankish warfare, because they would just be on horses nights,
all fucking geared up with the joust in hand.
Speaker 1: Look, anyone who's ever played Age of Empires two, Age
of Kings or Medieval to Total War knows that the
Franks are a cavalry heavy sieve and that's their Their
special units are Calve.
Speaker 2: There.
Speaker 1: If you like Calve, you play.
Speaker 2: As the Franks. Who doesn't love calv Yeah, everyone loves calv.
Having sensation only one hand, Baldwin needed to learn to
control the horse and battle using solely his knees and
mastered riding despite the handicap. By the way rough for him.
Speaker 1: Uh, his right hand being a right arm being the
one that's fucked up just because I you know, most
people are right handed, so I assume he had he
had a Jamie landishir it.
Speaker 2: Oh. Yeah, he had to figure out his left hand. Yeah,
he had a switch. And also with the leprosy, you
gotta think he was cranking it so many times.
Speaker 1: Left handed, Oh no, right handed? Yeah, oh, stranger either way.
Speaker 2: Because he's not going to be able to have a woman.
Well he's a leopard. No, he can't fuck women.
Speaker 1: He doesn't, Well he doesn't, but he could.
Speaker 2: He can't.
Speaker 1: Why can't he because everyone knows he has a leprosy.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's uh.
Speaker 1: Okay, because he's a decent man, that's okay. Yeah, that's
not a total piece of shit he but.
Speaker 2: Wouldn't and can't are two different things. The King of
Jerusalem that kind of has the answer to the High Court.
It's not like a total monarchy.
Speaker 1: So I that was actually kind of a theme in
Kingdom of Heaven that it was a bit more democratic
out there. And yeah, now granted democratic.
Speaker 2: Like he says he has final say, but they get
to keep him in check.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I would call it obviously, like the normies
aren't voting fucking clubs. But it's like the Roman Senate
right there, there is a there is a larger body
of people that do the governing than just like one man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there were no visible symptoms yet, and physicians hesitated
to diagnose the actual leprosy because of the stigma the
boy would face. Had such a diagnosis been made when
he was a child, Baldwin might have been required by
law to enter the Order of Saint Lazarus, which was
a military unit composed of affected knights with leprosy.
Speaker 1: That's sweet, and people need to make someone needs to
make a movie about that.
Speaker 2: We might have to do an entire episode of the
Order of Saint Lazareth. Yeah, that might be a Patreon.
That's fucking rad. But you would serve in this unit
until you were too sick.
Speaker 1: Or let's make a movie called or Diego. Let's make
a movie called Zombie Knights.
Speaker 2: There's The Walking Dead combined with whatever what was Greyworm?
This unsolid they're unsolid though, well they're very sullied. But
that was their name, I'm saying, what was their name,
the Unsullid? Yeah, yeah, but yeah they didn't have balls. Yeah, leprosy.
You're kind of a stone then, yeah, more or less,
but you're ratty. But see, we would have the film
would have to be like they ride it out to
the end and you have nothing to live for, so
you're like, fuck it, dude, that would be unstoppable in it.
Oh yeah, like we've got to hold the bridge or
the whole city will go down.
Speaker 1: Who do we put dude, put the leopard, put the
dead guys out there, and.
Speaker 2: Then if you have to fight him, you're like, I'm
not going near them because they're going to get leprosy.
At this time, they think that it's it's spread that easily. Yeah,
it's not. It's a little bit more complicated.
Speaker 1: I mean, Baldwin had to get it from chugging bodily fluids, right.
Speaker 2: But at the time they were very they were under
the impression that Baldwin if he like touch you, got
near you, ye, he could spread it. It was air born.
But that said they do. He's not like, you know,
separated from everybody. He's very much in the mix. When
I was sixteen, I want a great victory.
Speaker 1: It's just Edward Norton doing like this weird. It's a
great it's a great acting job. But it's just like
such a funny soft voice because he is he is
a kid.
Speaker 2: He dies. He died in his twenties. Yeah, okay, and
he he like starts to pop off too, like his
first hits, his first battle. He said sixteen, Yeah, you're
gonna have a soft voice. Yeah, sixteen.
Speaker 1: It's song he really hit puberty, do you. I don't
know what leposy does with that. Actually, leprosy's God's hormone blocker.
Speaker 2: As a kid, Baldwin was described as highly intelligent, hard worker,
great horse rider, and fairly optimistic given the prospect of
his illness. Good for him. Yeah, he took after his
father in good looks and charisma. This is before the
leprosy started to his face fell off. Yeah, which, I mean,
that's it's unfortunate, but oh yeah, you're gonna be a
total stud.
Speaker 1: Oh no. Leoprosy is one of those things where it's
like you grow up as a kid here about it,
especially if you're Catholic or or go to church lot
just because it's all over the Bible where it's just
like you're just like the past. That's one of those
like pillar moments of oh the past sounds horrible.
Speaker 2: Yeah, people that just get a disease that they and
they get kind of separated and sent off an exile
to an island. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't go over there unless you are like a
land of cannibals. It's actually a great place to be
fast tracked to sainthood, though.
Speaker 2: I mean you get leprosy. I think they knock off
the requirements of like miracles required.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's multiples, there's multiple saints. I feel like
that went to leper Island and cared for lepers and
then got leprosy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's the easiest way to get it. Yeah, you're
just fast tracked right in. They were like, probably spit
in my mouth please. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's essentially it's the equivalent of get like doing
a Holocaust movie for an Academy Award, or any movie
where somebody has that disability.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep. Baldwin picked up on things very fast, but
he's had a bit of a stutter. He was creative
and gravitated to history. My man, my man loved history
like any.
Speaker 1: Rightfle ruler should. We're just guy, if you're a man,
learn history.
Speaker 2: Listen to this.
Speaker 1: It's always funny with My wife was like, how did
you know?
Speaker 2: How do you know that? And it was like, because
I live on Earth and read about it. Yeah, I
retain information. I don't know to tell you. If I
see it, I usually keep it in my head. I
mean I forget a lot of things, but it's like
I don't know, I find the Planet I live on fascinating?
Is Tudor William remarked on Baldwin's excellent memory, stating that
he'd forgotten either kindness nor slights done to him by others.
He buries hatchets, but he keeps maps of where he
puts them. Yeah. In the words of Taylor Swift, I
thought you were like Norton says that. No, no, no.
Speaker 1: That's a Taylor Swift lyric from Endgame featuring Future and
It Cheeran.
Speaker 2: Almeriic attempted to have Sibylla Mary so she could rule
the kingdom as regent on Bobwin's behalf. When physicians informed
him that Bodwin could develop leprosy. Almerik may have begun
viewing Cybela as eventually monarch instead of Bodwin. Just call
her a Green Avia Green.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the Evergreen character, right, Yeah, yeah, so Avergreen
Man Evergreen is so attractive it's painful.
Speaker 2: But her marriage falls through, and in June eleven, seventy four,
the king came down with dysenteryse of course he did,
and he died on July eleventh, leaving an underage air
as he had feared might happen. So here we go, Bobwin.
He's about thirteen.
Speaker 1: Around this time.
Speaker 2: Okay. Upon his death, the High Court convened into discussed
the succession plan. Though he had not yet been diagnosed,
the High Court was well aware of the Royal Physician's
suspicion that Baldwin had leprosy. Guys, he's got it, he's
got it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when he was breastfeeding, when he was with that
wet nurse, he sucked the titty off like the boob
fell off because she had leprosy.
Speaker 2: So he has it. Yet there was no viable alternative.
Baldwin was the king's only son from his second marriage.
Amerik had two daughters, and only one survived infancy. Female
succession was allowed, but Sibella was an unmarried woman and
Isabella was only two. The male candidates were Almerik's cousins.
He had Prince Bohemund, the third of Antioch, Baldwin of Antioch,
and the Count Raymond, third of Tripoli. But they're all
politically unsuitable. What they're dicks or they had other obligations.
Oh okay, So like Antioch.
Speaker 1: Antioch also a super powerful city.
Speaker 2: Also, Raymond wasn't really in the mix because he was
in captivity for them, with the Muslims for nine years.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, so he was, you know, like kind.
Speaker 2: Of a war hero ish. I don't know if it's
really a hero he got captured.
Speaker 1: Yeah, to quote Donald Trump, I prefer soldiers who don't
get captured.
Speaker 2: I just don't know if that's like back then, if
that was like a I have no idea that might
have been a stand on.
Speaker 1: His honestly, is nice for him. I doubt he's rotting
in a cell right Like these blue these uh blue
blood prisoners, they kind of just like live a life
of like they live in a gilded cage, you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2: Muslim armies and everything, they were highly advanced. They were
pretty cultured. They weren't total you know, crazy people like
they are today some of them. No, they were more
technologically advanced then. Yeah, that's why they would bring in
Arab physicians.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was I actually saw something the other day,
some video other day that was kind of just like
presupposing take it with a grand sal because it was
on TikTok, But it was just basically like it was
like one of these things that spurred the Renaissance and
thus your Renaissance fairs was the Islamic Golden Age. Uh no,
because that was before the Crusades. It was all these
but so everything was there and then the Crusades go
and the Crusaders go over and they find all this.
Speaker 2: They get all this info and it.
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah from the more developed part of the
world and bring it back west and then that starts
to seep into Europe and then eventually the Renaissance pops off.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, the Islamic Golden Age maybe starts
more Crusades because they're like, oh, we need to get some.
Speaker 1: Of that that's good info over there.
Speaker 2: We got to get some of that info info and
just like technology, yeah, like we'll take that, yes please.
The Young King's coronation by the Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem
took place immediately in the Church of the Holy It's
the paltry sepulcher Catholic. I've never heard of that Church
of the Holy You've never heard of that. I've never
heard it. You're Catholic, I know, can't believe you beat
me in the Catholic off I know hid.
Speaker 1: That should have been easily though.
Speaker 2: I cleared you, dude, you can clear me. It super
You won by like a.
Speaker 1: Question, dude, I walked away.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, No, I don't care. I'm not relitigating this.
Whatever it is. Flags fly forever, I will fucking fly.
Jake back out here to do another one. I will
on my dime, and you're gonna lose again. Medieval rulers
were typically crowned on Sundays. However, in Boblin's case, it
was on a Monday because they chose instead to do
so on the seventy fifth anniversary of the First Crusade
Seizure of Jerusalem.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the first Crusade we won. July fifteenth, First Crusade
we won.
Speaker 2: Third Crusade we tied. I think we lost. The Second Crusade.
Fourth Crusade we fought ourselves. Yeah, fourth Crusade we won
and loss and a lot.
Speaker 1: Well, really, you know what, we sacked an Eastern Orthodox city,
so as far as Catholics go, we won.
Speaker 2: It's kind of a cell phone, Yeah, a.
Speaker 1: Bit of a cell phone, considering that was like our
buffer from the people who would eventually get all the
way up to fucking Vienna.
Speaker 2: Until he reached the age of fifteen, Balbwin needed a
regent to rule in his name. The government was initially
assumed by Miles of Plancy, who essentially served as the
hand of the king for his father. Shortly after, Count
Raymond third of Tripoli arrived in Jerusalem and succeeded in
reclaiming regency as the king's closest kinsman. So though he
was not good enough to be king, he could be
regent Raymond of Tripoli.
Speaker 1: Okay, just to like hold he could be a placeholder
just the whole court. Sorry, I'm looking up Jeremy Iron's
character from Kingdom of Heaven now because this is just
how I know anything about this.
Speaker 2: Miles was murdered while trying to extend his role on
the government. Were in the government, so he didn't want
to give up power. So our boy, Miles of Plancy,
you're out. It's a head etonic yet to go. No
hand of the king was appointed for two years, and
the young and sickly king presided over a high Court
meeting when the regent was away on military duties in Tripoli.
Baldwin's mother, though, returned to the court when Raymond became regent,
having grown up without her since the age of two.
Balbwin really had no memories of his mother.
Speaker 1: So he was just like, oh, hi, who are you?
You kind of left me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, wow. It wasn't really her fault. Eh, that's true.
I don't really hold it against her. She became devoted
and kind to him and developed a strong attachment to her.
Or he developed a strong attachment to her, most likely
because he simply just didn't really have women in his life.
It's the only intimate relationship he can have, kind of.
Speaker 1: It was nice to have a lady being nice to
him a type of affection. Yeah, a mom. And he
was still young, right, he was like fifteen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, he didn't even get to develop the
face with the fuck out. He didn't get to get
tired of his mom. She was already aware after years
you pirchually a bit wone you did ever, No, so
he just reverted back to toddler like he was like, Mommy,
what my kids are like all the time? They believe
puberty accelerated his leprosy. His condition worse than rapidly. Mostly
severely affected were his limbs and face, which made subjects
uneasy to approach him.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, so, thus the sweet mask.
Speaker 2: Get the mask.
Speaker 1: That wouldn't.
Speaker 2: I don't even know if that's accurate. Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 1: If he has a masks he might, he probably would.
Speaker 2: It makes sense. Yeah, Baldwin was never separated from the royals, though.
As a leopard, Baldwin could not marry or expect to
have children. He thus became a priority to a range
of marriage for his sister.
Speaker 1: There is no historical counts of him wearing a mask.
That is purely an invention of Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott
does what Ridley Scott wants.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't my mind.
Speaker 1: Don't blame cousin.
Speaker 2: Raymond's choice was William Longsword a' mont ferret. So he's
like this, this is the dude. It'll be a good
play for your sister to marry him. He can become
king one day once you're dead. They're already coming up
with the succession plan because obviously, yeah, they know he's
gonna die. That is funny that he was just walking
around with a rotten face the whole time though. Yeah.
On the second anniversary of his nation July fifteenth, eleven
seventy six, Baldwin reached the age of majority, and Raymond's
regency lapsed. That's a suggestion of his mother. The king
appointed his loyal and capable maternal uncle, Joscelyn of Courtney,
to the office of Sanchel, which is essentially the hand
of the king, and arranged for him to marry a
rich heiress, Agnes of MILLI. Oh, no, don't make the
one marry him.
Speaker 1: No, not not Baldwin. Oh okay, okay.
Speaker 2: I was like, what this dude's get in a position
and a wife? Oh okay, Wow, what a day for him,
his uncle. So the change in government signaled a new
Frankish approach to the Egyptian ruler. Saladein Hadeen Saladin, Saladin,
Saladin Saladin. Yeah, all right, there's a lot of ways say it.
Who had been allowed by Raymen to encircle the Crusader
States by conquering Muslim principalities in Syria due to a treaty.
So when ms in power, he's just like, yeah, go ahead, Saladein.
You could pop off, we don't care whatever. That's a
good idea. I'm sure I don't want to fuck with you.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a thing that I didn't even
really know, but it sounds totally right, which is like
Saladin is he's a Muslim hero for like truly like
a religious hero for fighting the Crusaders, but you know
he also fought other Muslims.
Speaker 2: It's time to take control.
Speaker 1: Of the region and stuff like that. He was Egyptian
so was he was he a malmlook or whatever.
Speaker 2: Baldwin did not re up Raymonds peace treaty with saladein
firmly agreeing with Joscelyn that the Sultan's power needed to
be curved before they were totally consumed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, probably could call also Saladin a legitimate like military genius.
Speaker 2: So yeah, deeply devoted to the Muslim religion and saw
the Crusades of ten ninety nine and the expansion of
the now Christian Kingdom as an affront to his religion.
So he took it personal. He's like, yeah, uh, they
fucked us, so I'm gonna I'm gonna get it back, you.
Speaker 1: Know, fuck him back. It's a real Treaty of Versailles situation.
Not not that Saladin is Hitler, but it is. The
Germans were just like, I want another shot at France.
Fuck them and Saladin the same way. Saladin's like doesn't
sit right with me the way they got Jerusalem.
Speaker 2: Bro Baldwin began an offensive and planned a full scale
tech on Egypt. With his advisors, the king took advantage
of Saladin's campaign in Aleppo to lead a raid around
the Damascus. So he's like, Saladin's over here, let's hit
him where he's not.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's get not that far. Aleppo and Damascus are
both in modern day Syria, right, Yeah, but.
Speaker 2: They want to get his attention. Yeah, you don't take
him head on immediately, no, no, no. He and his
advisors also then decided to intervene in Saladin's war against
the Order of the Assassins. Saladin was fighting the Assassins, Yeah,
because they tried to kill him. Oh shit, they took
a hit on him and they failed clearly. So he
was just like, I need to rage warn these bitches.
Speaker 1: Yeah wait was he? No, but he was the Mongols
that ultimately got up. Yeah, guys, but Saladin could.
Speaker 2: Order the Assassins were around for like two hundred years.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is like right smack in the middle
of it.
Speaker 2: So yeah, Also other Muslims he attacks, but granted he's
probably like you are not real Muslims, Like you're giving
a bunch of kids, drugs and hookers and promise and
then a lot of rules. Yeah you can't be doing this.
Speaker 1: Also though that was in Iran.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, Alan Mutt was so moot. Were they different?
Speaker 1: Was one sunning one Shia too, because the Iran is
is different than like Saudi Arabia and Egypt and stuff
like that.
Speaker 2: Order the assassins, I mean they had condo stations all
over Okay, I don't even know if they had adhered
two blood blind thing. Yeah, they didn't care. I think
it was just more like who can we get? Yeah,
what you know, peasant child? Can we turn into the child? Stone?
Speaker 1: Cold killer?
Speaker 2: Taylor's us time. On August first, Baldwin and Raymond led
the Armies of Jerusalem in Tripoli, respectively, in the Raid
of Bega Valley which is now modern day Lebanon, where
they defeated the Garrison of Damascus, forcing Sladeen to abandon
his campaign and come defend his own turf.
Speaker 1: Was this the Great Battle?
Speaker 2: When I was sixteen? That great battle? They fed a lot? Okay,
fair enough. I don't know if there's like one, well,
you've got to be one that stands out. There's one
where he's like outnumbered and wins. That's probably the one
that's probably it. Yeah, William the Longsword marries Bob Win's
sister November eleven, seventy six, despite arguments from some council
members who no longer trusted cousin Emperor Frederick's ability to
aid the kingdom. So like like, eh, maybe don't blow
your lead on this dude, because he's not really gonna
help our cause.
Speaker 1: Wait was his cousin, Frederick Barbarossa and it was him. Okay,
Now everyone knows from the Third Crusade that the two
big stars of it were uh Saladin and Richard the
Lionheart of England, Right, But Richard Delonheart was not the
only person who was on the way.
Speaker 2: Frederick Barbarossa was also a big dick.
Speaker 1: Military guy at the time, like an absolute like think
of it, think of like an NBA like think of
just like teaming up two great NBA players, Right, He's like, funck, dude,
We're gonna have both these guys on the same team.
Speaker 2: That's fucking wild. But uh Freddie uh died on the
way to the Holy Land. Yeah, and his force was
not the same. Sometimes you try to get the super
team together and we'll talk about later. I don't want
to work together now.
Speaker 1: Well they did, dude, it would have.
Speaker 2: I don't know what would have happened in that crusade
if if Frederick Roberosa didn't die like that is actually
a huge question, big what if? Oh yeah, huge what if?
In my opinion. Bobwin offered to resign the throne to William,
but William actually declined this because he knew he had
lack of support from the nobility, So probably good move
for him. Still, he still marries his sister. He just
would have got dicked down by the by the council,
like just yeah, yeah. In order to carry out his
attacks on Egypt, Bobwin needed naval support. He then sent
kind of a man that becomes his like his military dude,
his guy, Reinald of chantillon the villain Ronald of Chantillan.
Speaker 1: He's like he's cold, Yeah, he's got it.
Speaker 2: In the battlefield in April eleven seventy seven, William the
long Sword fell ill with malaria.
Speaker 1: Tough way to go.
Speaker 2: It doesn't sound fun and uh, can you.
Speaker 1: Give you imagine you're just like walking around having a
good day, drinking some fucking ale on your patio, on
your suite mid Mediterranean castle patio, and you just like
look down.
Speaker 2: You're like, ah, it's a mosquito, Like what the fuck?
Got it? Oh?
Speaker 1: No, got yeah? And then it's like fuck, like hits you?
Speaker 2: Fuck?
Speaker 1: Ah?
Speaker 2: Or is that the one?
Speaker 1: Ah?
Speaker 2: Living in the past sucks ass, This is the best
time to be alive. Bye fucking far. Baldwin decides to
visit him and he becomes gravely ill too. Well, would
he hit another puberty? Oh, he's the malaria. He got
malaria too. Yeah. On top of like you know, he's
got leprosy, so I imagine it's like an autoimmune thing.
Speaker 1: It's like getting a cold when you have cancer, right, Like,
it's just.
Speaker 2: William dies in June and he leaves Baldwin's sister pregnant.
While Baldwin is still very much sick. He kind of
powers through it, man, he uh it. While he's kind
of down bad though, he entrusts the king ship in
the government and military to Raynault.
Speaker 1: That's the correct correct way to pronounce it. By the way,
if you want to know how to well shot, you
just say half. You only say half the consonants and
vows and well you only say half the consonants.
Speaker 2: You barely say the vowels, and.
Speaker 1: Just act like you a peanut butter in your mouth
while you're doing it and make it a little gay.
Speaker 2: So I know. Doing so, he snubs the ex regent
and the Count of Tripoli and his you know, cousins
or his dad's cousins. So I guess his first cousin removed?
Whatever the fuck that is, Raymond, first cousin removed? It
was his second cousin. No, no, first cousin removed? Is
I guess your parents cousins? I looked it up. I
didn't realize that, okay, because but like, what else would
you call your fucking parents cousins? Strangers?
Speaker 1: That's probably true. Who the fuck is that guy? Well,
my dad, I actually i've my I know one of
my dad's cousins, and it's who's the old guy obviously
at this point, but like and there's friends and everything,
but yeah, it's kind of like weird now.
Speaker 2: Baldwin's first cousin, Count Philip of Flanders, arrived in the
East in September. He brought to Baldwin financial aid from
another cousin, King Henry the Second of England. Everyone's related. Yeah,
some capacity. Lol. At the incest divorce, right, it's like,
who am I supposed to marry?
Speaker 1: Wait, so, King Henry the Second of England.
Speaker 2: So is this is that? I wonder that is that
Richard's dad? Henry the Second? So you gotta think this
is the eleven you know, sixties, eleven seventies.
Speaker 1: I'll look it up real quick, Henry the Second. It'll
list his parents right away.
Speaker 2: Yeah, uh, yep, that's his dad. Or yes, that's his dad. Yeah,
that's Richard Loinhart's dad. Gotcha. Baldwin had taken himself back
to Jerusalem once again, wanted to discuss giving up power
to the General Council because whenever he felt like he
didn't have it, Yeah, he was like, all right here,
it's just like somebody else needs to take power, Like, hey, guys,
pretired of toe fell off?
Speaker 1: Could we just And it's not like he's not going
to battle.
Speaker 2: He is leading his men.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's the zombie King. It's that the title for
the show The Zombie King Israel.
Speaker 2: Probably that on the advice of which he offered a
regency to Philip, Philip actually declines and Reynold retains his
his post so Ynld. He's got all the power. He's
the dude. The Byzantines sent a war fleet in preparation
of the invasion of Egypt, but they withdraw because Philip
of Flanders, the antiox, Raymond of Tripoli, the Grand Master
of like the Knights Hospital, Knights hospitalter Hospital Hospital, Roger Demons.
They can't agree on anything. There's like arguing over tactics
and like, no, there's another game. No, we're doing it
that way.
Speaker 1: There's another game I really want to play, and it's
actually free to play at well, there's several versions of
this game, but it's called Crusader Kings two is the
one I want to play because it's free as I
just want to downloaded my Mac and a lot of
these you can't get on Mac.
Speaker 2: But anyway, if.
Speaker 1: You look at like a map, like a true political
map of Europe, and uh, even this area during this
time period, like it's thousands of micro kingdoms, like like France,
France proto France is pretty fucking big comparatively, but like
Italy's eight different things, Germany is one hundred different fucking things.
I mean, even even what is now modern day France
is like still six different kingdoms, and some of those
kingdoms overlap between, like France and Italy, France and Belgium,
France and Germany, I mean France and Germany basically up
until the end of World War two.
Speaker 2: Even small ass. England's like six or seven kingdoms. You've
got England, Wales, Scotland right there. They weren't called that
back then, but it's all be like northumber Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
all that stuff for sure.
Speaker 1: England alone, like before everyone thinks about the United Kingdom,
they're like, oh, when did the United Kingdom?
Speaker 2: When did the UK coalesce? And everything?
Speaker 1: But first England had to be united, which this is
before William the Conqueror.
Speaker 2: The Conqueror was like ten sixty six, I think ten
sixty six one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but England was already like mostly united at that point.
But there were a lot of wars before that that
were basically involved just United England with the Umbrians and
blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: So they're arguing about shit. Saude's power remains unchecked the
Byzantine Alliance collapses. Balbwin continues to court the Greek patriarch
and hopes that the Byzantines would committed to the kingdom.
Things are kind of going poorly. Phillip leaves the Kingdom
of Jerusalem with his troops in October of eleven seventy
seven to help Raymond of Tripoli attacked the Muslim held
city of Hama. The Frankish army in northern Syria. Saladein
seizes an opportunity to invade Baldwin's kingdom on November eighteenth.
So like they're kind of like split all over the
map trying to defend shit, and Saladin's like, oh dude,
now we attack. Now's the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So here's your battle. Here's the battle, great victory.
How big is the Kingdom of Jerusalem because people are
probably listening thinking it's just the city.
Speaker 2: No, those still recovering from malaria. Baldwin rode out to
meet the Sultan. Well, the nice templar hurried to defend Gaza.
Seeing how drastically outnumbered he was, the king retreated into
the city. Saladin to saw the strength of his numbers
and confidently proceeded towards Jerusalem.
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of pretty big in terms of like it just depends
what you want to say. So, like, this is a
map of the quote Kingdom of Jerusalem and its vassals,
so it's kind of like all of Israel in a
little bit of a couple other countries. So but I
don't know if that means that Saladin hit like the
actual like Jerusalem part itself. Imagine if like, you know,
just talking about invading in the United States of America
and it's like, but did they invade the US or
do they invade the capitol like the Virginia the DMV area.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Baldwin managed to contact the Templars in
ordered them to abandon Gaza and join him, contrary to
the Sultan's expectations. Baldwin and Raynal then wrote out to
join with the Templars and attack his dispersed army at
Mont Gazard.
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know the fuck Mount Gizzard, Mount Gizzard.
Speaker 2: Fuck it. It might be Saladin who barely suffered a
crushing defeat.
Speaker 1: What happened to him? Did he get he almost get
got in battle? He got nicked by what like an arrow?
Got a Gellow's sword. Probably, By the way, every time
Baldwin is swinging his sword, he should first cut a
bit of his arm, like he needs to poison his
sword with leprosy every swing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just take your own blood.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, his sword should have been covered if
it's every arrow, yeah, like every Baldwin should just be
walking amongst the archers and like each one's just like
like yes, I mean, if you really want to win
a war, how bad do you want it?
Speaker 2: Baldwin's just bleeding into a cup. I mean, that's probably
why that one army was unstoppable, which was the Saint Lazarus.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my god, it'd be so fucking funny if
you're just like, wait, that'd be a great scene in
the Zombie Night movie. Is It's just like, I'll defeat you,
you wretch you. It doesn't matter if your sword hits
me here you're weak. And then he's just like, it
doesn't matter if you're saw it hits me. He drags
it across his arm, and the guys just like then
they fight.
Speaker 2: Not having enough men to launch an offensive for the
retreating Muslims, bob Win decided to fortify the Domoscene frontier.
The Templars convinced him to build a castle on the
Upper Jordan River. He was reluctant, though, because the Franks
promised not to mark that part of the border. After
protests of local Muslims, Celadein offered money to bob Win
in exchange to abort the construction of that fort, but
the king refused. I'm gonna help be here, but he's
gonna pay him, right, It's like, uh.
Speaker 1: He's that funding to build to then defeat him. Yeah,
different situations.
Speaker 2: He's your own money. That sucks so that he couldn't
pursue him. That's how that's how you know, that's how
you break country. That's how you break an army back
then all the way up to even fairly modern times.
Like I don't know if people know this, but even
though Gettysburg was like a huge victory, Lincoln was fucking
furious as they then follow me didn't Meat, didn't follow Lee.
He was like, what are you doing that? He's got
nothing left. But Mead was like I don't know. I
don't want to walk into a trap.
Speaker 1: And like you just killed most of them, kill the rest.
Speaker 2: In April eleven, seventy nine, Balbwin intended round up sheep
passing from Damascus to been nice because soldiers got to eat.
Soldiers gotta eat.
Speaker 1: Need protein. You want your army getting their gains.
Speaker 2: Saludine's nephew, Frek Shah was sent to investigate the king's movement,
but suddenly ran into him during this sheep herding, and
a skirmish followed weeks later, Baldwin rode out to intercept
ar Aids in Beirut in Sa'dan, and in June, Solide's
raiding party routed Baldwin's. The king was on horsed and
bald BOMs carried to safety on a night's back because
he could not remount on his own.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well so he got He got hit.
Speaker 2: Later that night. The whole time, it's just like, oh.
Speaker 1: God, go faster, you fucking horse.
Speaker 2: You know you're the king, but uh, can you back
off a little bit? Hey man? He just drags him, yeah,
with a rope. Not try to be ablest or nothing,
but please don't touch me so much. My life I'm
pretty sure my life depends on it. In the Winner
of eleven seventy seven and eleven seventy eight, the king's
widowed sister gives birth to the son of William the Longsword,
and they name him Baldwin after the king. Oh, a
year of official morning for the father's child had passed
and it was time for her to get hitched up again. Right.
That is nice that, you know.
Speaker 1: They're like, hey, no one driller for a year and
and died.
Speaker 2: Yeah, need some time wait for the kid. Too, just
in decent now another Baldwin, Baldwin of Abilene. He was
very much entertaining the prospects of marrying the other Baldwin sister.
It's like, I'm a Baldwin, You're a Baldwin. Could you
hook up with a chick that had your sister's name?
Speaker 1: Taylor?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Taylor Swift? Okay, yeah, yeah, Okay.
Speaker 1: I have never hooked up with a girl that has
had my sister's name. To my knowledge, I have forgotten names.
Speaker 2: I have not to this point. But I have hooked.
Speaker 1: Up that I'm aware of often. I dated a girl
named Mary for two years, and that's my mom's name.
Speaker 2: Okay, so hard to find a Margaret his days. I
don't know that I haven't met like two margaret's my age.
In fact, like i've.
Speaker 1: Aside from my own wife, the person I've had sex
with the most the same name as my mom.
Speaker 2: Now our Baldwin Balbin the fourth contemplates her marrying the
Duke of Burgundy and actually writes to the King of
France offer in his proposition. But during the Holy Week
in eleven eighty, the Prince of Antioch in the Count
of Tripoli march with their armies to Jerusalem. It is
most likely their intention was to force the king to
have his sister Mary Baldwin of Abilene and then to
abdicate give up power.
Speaker 1: Oh dude, so Ibelin is the bad guys. Orlando Blooms
the bad guy right out? De Chatillon is the good guy.
Speaker 2: The king had never approved of the other Baldwin's ambition
to marry his sister, and though he did not wish
to abdicate, he was not keen on having terms forced
on him. Baldwin acted decisively before his Kinsman armies reached Jerusalem.
He arranged for his sister.
Speaker 1: To marry a knight, guy of Lizon.
Speaker 2: First off, they're French, so it's gee, gee gee, it's
this guy. That's how they say. I'm just gonna refer
to this guy. Hey guy, Hey gee.
Speaker 1: He's gonna marry some night named guy.
Speaker 2: Gay. He's gonna marry some guy. He's gonna marry some guy. Yeah,
just a dude. Raymond and uh Boheman had no option
but to accept the marriage, and the coup was foiled.
They're like, all right, uh, you got us here. You
already went through with the marriage. Yeah, can't can't break
up that holy where Sanktimony? Should I name my kid guy?
If it's a boy, why not guy Fox? No? This
guy sucks, I know, but I just want to I
might do that. I'm gonna call him GHI now Baldwin again.
He's always trying to give up hour. He's like down
to abdicate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's like, please, somebody please worthy of this, Like at.
Speaker 2: My foot is just hanging on by attendon. But he
can't because there's this deep rift with his court. He
had the faction from his father's side and he had
his mother's and they're kind of clashing. They're always at
war with each other.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine having just like eight types of cancer,
but you still have to go to work because everyone
else at the office is being such a dick. Everyone
in your Famili's just fighting.
Speaker 2: Like all you want to do is go.
Speaker 1: It's just Middle Ages. It just can't in a lot
of these family problems.
Speaker 2: Baldwin proposes a to year troops with Seladeen, who gladly
accepts it in order to campaign freely in northern Syria.
Speaker 1: Ah to go fight other Muslims or to fight other
Christians both okay, yeah.
Speaker 2: Just conquer, Yeah, yeah, Balbwin sent his uncle in chief,
Minister Jocelyn, to assure the Byzantine Court that Jerusalem still
needed their protection. During Jocelyn's absence from mid eleven eighty
to eleven eighty one, the full burden of government felt
in these.
Speaker 1: Shoulders of the.
Speaker 2: Now deteriorating health king, and he relied chiefly on his
mother during this period. Well, like you weren't there for
me before. Time to make up for it, Hey, mom,
he didn't teach me how to but I don't even
know what they would teach them back then, because not
riding a bike or anything. But like, so you're gonna
have to handle these horrible geopolitical and intercurt situations. Bald
Win at first two is like, all right, this guy,
this night guy, ghee, if you want to call him
night gee. I guess I'll start to kind of prep
him a little bit to be my successor just in case. No, no,
just because like I see no other options.
Speaker 1: Right right, Well that's what's saying.
Speaker 2: Just in case. Like it's like I guess, yeah, So
he marries off his half sister from you know, his
stepmom's marriage, Okay, because his dad rem and stuff. So
he she he she needs to get out of the picture.
His actual sister and this guy guy, they need to
take full power, you know, when I'm gone or whenever
I get sick, I get.
Speaker 1: And it needs to be like on, like no one
can veto it, like no one can challenge it, right,
Like it needs to be like completely legitimized, like everyone's
like okay, fuck like he said it.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay. But he's not the most respected. He's you know,
not a great night. He's a pretty shitty night. Actually
not good in battle. That doesn't really have the respect
of his boys. The high court hates him.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing though, Here's the thing though, and this
is where they get it wrong. It's where a lot
of people get it wrong.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Bad players make great coaches. It's true, right, yeah, look
at look at how Michael Jordan ran his franchises. Fucking
dog shit. The guy could couldn't draft for fucking shit.
He was just drunk one day decided Frank commenced was
fucking rad because he watched him in the Final Four
where granted he was awesome in college, and it's like,
I gotta draft this guy over every single better athlete
in the whole fucking like. And there's like innumerable examples
for every like the amount of times a very good athlete,
like a very a player with a very good career
has been a shitty coach, endless examples.
Speaker 2: But a lot of the great coaches, you see, they
were bad at it at the sport. They have the
mind for it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they have the mind, and they understand. You learn
through failure, right, you understand things. So I actually I'm
in on on guy. I'm in on guy.
Speaker 2: Now. Baldwin's truce with Saladeen was due to expire May eleventh,
eighty two, but was broken mid eleven eighty one, beat
by Raynal, who sees a merchant caravan on his way
from Egypt to Damascus. Raynall ignored the king's request to
make restitution to Saladeen, who was then preparing to annex
Zengid ruled Aleppo. So the Zengids are also Muslim other Muslims. Yeah.
In July, Baldwin march to relieve the Muslim siege of
Bessam and his outnumbered army one the Battle of Breathing Heavy,
like really really fucking sick coffin. But he's still on
the front lines he's still at the battle. He's still
leading his men, doing his fucking job.
Speaker 1: Just to continue the basketball Jordan analogy, every game is
a flu game.
Speaker 2: For Bold, every game is a fucking flu game. Yeah.
The defeated Assaultan then besieged Beirut, while another army from
Egypt attacked the south of the kingdom. Baldwin knew that
he was being provoked into dividing his forces. Deciding that
Beirut was the greater strategic importance, he ignored the southern
attack and moved his troops to tire.
Speaker 1: There really is like no point in fighting off an
army that you know can't hold what they're taking. Yeah,
like we'll get it, betack, Yeah whatever, Oh, have fun
from there here.
Speaker 2: The assistance of the Italian Maritime Republics and lifting' sa audience,
naval block of Bea route so Venice and shit like that, which,
by the way, I meant to say earlier in terms
of them going to the Byzantines for the Eastern Roman Empire.
Speaker 1: For naval support. This is at the time where I
believe they are the only ones that have a fun
little thing called Greek fire, So they basically have napalm
and no one else has it, and it fucks other
wooden boats up. I think it is before the Crusades,
but when the caliphates were really popping off in the
first place, like the Umiad Caliphate, they got you know,
people talk about like their Turks getting to Constantinople, the
Crusaders second constant Nople, but the I think the Umiad
Caliphate got all the fucking way to constant Nople just
because they were a goddamn human tidal way. And uh,
they beat them off with Greek fire, specifically because you
gotta hit constant with noble at least partially by sea.
And they had a great navy at the time. The
Calife did because they were just militarily insanely good at everything,
and they got to constant Nople and they just literally
lit their ships on fucking fire. Greek fire is wow,
because they just lost how to make it.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So actually here's a great example. Greek fire is wildfire
from gaming. Everyone knows that.
Speaker 2: You know that. I don't just say I don't know
if all the listeners know that. We've discussed it a
couple of times. Okay, well I don't know, but yeah,
they just fucking it's not there anymore. It's just yeah,
they just lost the recipe.
Speaker 1: And it was like the type of shit to where
it just wouldn't I think it was a lot like
napalm where it's just like you're just you just like
can't put it out or something, you know what I mean,
Like it just sticks to you and it's just like
doesn't stop burning. It's fucking crazy burns on water.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, it's it was insane. Saudian abandons de
siege declines to make a truce, wearing Baldwin and his advisors.
He proceeds to then go up north to fight the Zengids,
thereby expanding his realm. Why while Baldwin led an attack
on Saladin's Demoscene territory, then on Basra before finally lay siege,
you capture and caved south.
Speaker 1: Wait, Baldwin hip hop hit Basra. Yeah, that is a
long way away from Jerusalem. That's in Iraq. That's like
on the fucking Persian Gulf. Yeah, you gotta you gotta
hit this too where he's not but he's that's that's
a long just a long way away from where they were,
Like Basra is I mean, you gotta cross the whole
fucking desert.
Speaker 2: Yeah, dude, he's got fucking shooters everywhere. He's the king
of Jerusalem. That's a lot. It's along you call your banners. Yeah, yeah,
I mean fair enough. I'm gonna just do the.
Speaker 1: It's uh, ironically though, you know, it's weird about this.
Speaker 2: This is just how big America is. It's only a
fourteen hour drive from Jerusalem, not far.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And actually this is what's crazy too.
Speaker 2: So it's only a fifteen day walk. So driving to
Tennessee from Austin. Yeah, yes, America is huge. Man.
Speaker 1: Also though, so fifteen day walk, I'd say for an army,
just double it.
Speaker 2: So take it. It won't only take a month to
get to Basra.
Speaker 1: That is still a long way compared to comparatively to
like places there like Bay Root or something right like
Bay Route. You get there in fucking eight days.
Speaker 2: The winner of eleven eighty two eleven eighty three. He
agrees on a strategy with his council and they attack
Damascus again. He threatens to destroy a mosque in Daria,
but local Christians convince him probably don't do that, Like, yeah,
that's smart of them, because they're like, hey, they're gonna
fuck our shit.
Speaker 1: You're gonna leave at some point and we live here
and ah, they're so mean already.
Speaker 2: That's a cool thing about bald when he will take
advice from other people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're like he'll ask like locals.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would think I would just like to not see.
Speaker 1: It's like the the Japanese during the Siege of Manila.
It's just like, I would just like to not see
Muslim soldiers toss my baby in the air and then
catch them on a sword.
Speaker 2: And that's going to happen if you destroyed this mosque,
for the love of God, leave it up now. Things
kind of fall apart in eleven eighty three as bad
Winds starts to lose the ability to walk unsupported and
use his hands. He can't use his hands. They've become
essentially just as useless. They just kind of crumble inside
themselves because of an inability to blink to his co
when he had dries up and he becomes blind.
Speaker 1: Oh good lord, he's still blink How does it even happen? Yeah,
it's tough, so he loses control. I get so just
that just means like the muscles die right because you
blink involuntarily, like I can do the blinking, but also like.
Speaker 2: It's like breathing. Yeah, but now he's blind because the
corn is just dries out. Yeah, so he just that
thing just dies.
Speaker 1: It's funny that the it's actually weird to me that
his eyelids go fucking dead, but they stay up.
Speaker 2: Shouldn't they have? Shouldn't they have drooped.
Speaker 1: Or just folded over over his eyes?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know how eyes work.
Speaker 1: I don't either, apparently. And by the way, if they
did droop, which is what should have happened, you have
a royal blinker. Or even if they didn't, if they
stayed up, you have a royal Just have a royal
blinker right.
Speaker 2: Somebody behind you and yes, blink me. The king then
developed a life threatening fever. He was with his mother
at nearby Nazareth, having summoned the High Court to his bedside,
Bobwin and trusted the government to his brother in law
Gee or Guy as you were saying, who was next
in line to succeed in Guy's appointment to regency was
meant to be permanent. Balbwin retained only the.
Speaker 1: Royal title and authority over the city of Jerusalem, but
he had guys swear that while Balbin lived, he would
not make himself king or alienate parts of his royal family.
So he's like, can you just be chill until it's
not my fucking problem anymore? And by that I mean death.
Speaker 2: Like you have all the power, just don't be a
dick about it. Yeah, don't try to take my title
or fuck over my family.
Speaker 1: That's all he asked. That's all he asked.
Speaker 2: And by the way, he's in his family. Yes. Now.
Bobwin recovered on ex actively and returned to Jerusalem, having
found that the coastal climate suited his health. Baldwin then
offered Jerusalem to Guy in exchange for Tire. So he
wanted to just go hang out a tire. Yeah, He's like, hey,
you get Jerusalem, I'll say tire, okay. Guy refused. He
said Tire was more lucrative. Uh.
Speaker 1: Probably true. To be honest, Tire is like an ancient
port city. Tire is like a Phoenician city. The Tire
has been a major probably still is. I don't really
know though, but Tire was a major Mediterranean port from
pre Roman Empire to then and beyond it.
Speaker 2: So this insults Baldwin, He's like, dude, come on, oh fuck,
I'm really dumb. So uh.
Speaker 1: Raynald de Chatillon is Brendan Gleeson in Kingdom of Heaven,
who's like the secondary bad guy. Ghee is the main
bad guy. Fel I completely fucked that up, my bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think he also gets his throat slashed in.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: Brendan Gleeson does yeah, yeah, yeah, because they're like, they
offer ghee water and Raynhall is.
Speaker 2: Like, I have a fucking dasty I'll take it.
Speaker 1: I'm a big snappy pick and then they're like they
then they stick them.
Speaker 2: Like a pig. Yeah. Saudian just goes yeah yeah, which
again I don't think historically accurate. I really Scott China
takes liberties into his own hands. You know, look Blackhawk down,
hyper accurate, Gladiator Robin Hood, Kingdom of Heaven, Nah so much,
but they look they feel right. What in the Baldwin's
half sister, Isabella and Humphrey, the fourth of Tehran was
celebrated in Karak in late eleven eighty three. Uh.
Speaker 1: I can tell you how to pronounce that only because
of the movie. I'm not a smart person's only Carrack Kerrick. Yeah, yeah,
but he got Carock sounds better it does. What a
perfect opportunity for Saladin to attack. This is a battle
in the movie during the festivities. Yeah, this is this
is a this is portrayed.
Speaker 2: He lays siege to the castle, hoping to capture the
king's half sister and her husband.
Speaker 1: But you know that boy ball still got it mm hm.
Speaker 2: Retired king had gathered a council in Jerusalem to inform
them about the government of the kingdom. When the news
about the siege had reached it, he immediately dismissed Guy
from his regency. I'm like, all right, I'm taking power
back to Yeah, you're fucking ass, You're useless, you suck.
And He's like, I gotta go ride. I can't entrust
you with our band to you know, get my fucking
family back. Guy's removal from the regency was effectively disinheritance
of the position at the council's insistence. Delibrations about succession
plan followed the proposal of the king's mother that his
sister's son, Baldwin, would be made co king and not
his father. Okay, so like, Guy, you're out. You're kid though, Yeah,
little Baldwin. He's got the blood. He's got the blood.
We're good with him. Okay, fuck you, you're out, fucking dick.
In late November, Baldwin ordered the lighting of the beacon
of the Tower David, which may have been the first
in a chain of such beacons, in order to hearten
the defenders of the intensely bombarded Carrick gun dog calls
for aid that what it is. Baldwin accompanied his trips again,
but having become blind and immobile. This time he went
in a little slug between two horses. Oh no, he's
in a baby Bjorn between two horses. His presence was
essentially to unite the barons together. Even his humiliated brother
in law led his men. Warned by his scouts about
the king approach and concerned about having left Egypt unguarded,
Saladean abandoned the siege on December fourth.
Speaker 1: This is not so much a flu game as it
is a late stage Lakemia game. This is Yeah.
Speaker 2: The question of regency for his nephew troubled Baldwin. The
only way to ensure that guy could not claim was
to have his marriage to his sister and old gotta
run that playbook back but surprisingly his sister kind of
loved this guy. What oh she actually was like into him. Yeah,
so she thwarted the plans and refused to appear in court.
Damn it, yeah, woman, what are you doing? Early in
eleven eighty four, Baldwin ordered Guy meet with him in Jerusalem.
Guy declines, So it's poor health. Ironically, it's like, I
can't show up. I got yeah bad. Hell. So what
does Baldwin do. He knocks up on the front front gates.
Speaker 1: Of He rolls up.
Speaker 2: He goes up to uh Asalon in the company of
the High Court, and God refused to let him into
the city. Okay. From the battlements and the towers the
inhabitants witnessed, the king raised his hand and knocked the gates,
demanding admission, only for the gates to remain closed. He
was just like, fuck you, he's let me in, dude,
I'm your king. That's really funny. The king was welcomed
in Jaffa, however, where he installed a governor, thereby depriving
Guy of half of his county. So he's like, all right,
you're not gonna let me in. Cool, I'm declaring what
you lord over. They're independent now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, ah, you thought, oh, you thought this was yours.
Speaker 2: You thought this part. Imagine if you're just like.
Speaker 1: Like you try to go to Los Angeles and someone's like, no,
letting you in, bitch, and but you're in charge of
the whole fucking country. And so this guy in Los
Angeles thinks he runs California and you just like slice
off like San Francisco, Oakland, like all these other like
rad places, and they're just He's like.
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, it's not yours anymore. Nope, it's its own.
It's its own thing now. To gain support, Baldwin summons
to the Council to seize Guys Fife on the grounds
of refusal of the royal summons. The patriarchal Grandmasters begged
Balbwin to forgive guy in order to avoid a civil war,
but this was unacceptable to Baldwin. You can't let it go. Yeah,
he's like, I just I know you want me to
turn the other cheek. But in no world can a
king do that. Yeah, and show like that they're not weak.
Speaker 1: You know what Baldwin should have said, you want me
to turn the other cheek, sir. And then he turns
and he goes, I have no cheek, and he's just
a fucking the skeleton part of his face because he's
got leopards just drooping off because of the leprosy.
Speaker 2: I have no cheek to turn. By June he sent
them some diplomats on a mission to seek aid for
the kingdom. He informed them by letter that Saladin was
once more besieging Karak. Again, Saladeen abandoned the siege when the.
Speaker 1: Our boy just shows back up in his sling between
the horse. Actually, no, you know what it is. It's
even sadder than that. It's you know those thing like
one year old eight month olds get in and they're
on wheels, and it's like you put him in the
little thing and.
Speaker 2: They like run around.
Speaker 1: That's what That's what King Baldwin is in with two horses.
That would be such an easy target. I would just
if I have solid and I'd be like just someone
for his own sake, just put him off, put them
a fucking arrow in his heart.
Speaker 2: In late eleven eighty four, a shock to learn that guy,
in return for taking half of his fifetom just massacred
a bunch of people.
Speaker 1: Christians, yea, his own people.
Speaker 2: Good Lord and Darren. They were under royal protection. And
they were also providing Baldwin information about the Egyptian movements,
so they.
Speaker 1: Were useful in knowing where the fuck Saladin was. And
by the way, I assume Saladin. You said, guys in Carrick, right,
so Saladin can no, no.
Speaker 2: No, he's not in charac ok He's in Asalon.
Speaker 1: Okay, I mean either way, though, Saladin can just go
and fuck his shit up anytime.
Speaker 2: But why fuck up when there's inner inner battles? Oh no,
let your enemies eat them though, Yeah, exactly, yeah. Again
he falls to another fever. He returns to Jerusalem in
late eleven eighty four. In early eleven eighty five, Bobwin
bestout regency to Raymond of Tripoli. Again, the man that
originally had it is first cousin removed. Though we never
really trusted Raymond Foley, he still was like, I have
no better alternative, right, who else might he give it to.
He was expected to survive the illness, having done twice before,
but within weeks it became a parent. That was probably
his last time. Sometimes you just take a turn. On
his deathbed, he summoned the High Court and appointed a
permanent regent for his nephew bob Win the Fifth and
Raymond was chosen. The dying king then ordered that homage
be rendered to his nephew as king and Raymond as Regent,
to be followed by a crown wearing ceremony at the
Church of the Holy Sepulcher. There you go, bob. When
the Fourth died March eleven eighty five, he was buried
in that very church, close to his father, King Almaric.
The young King. Bob Win the Fifth, however, dies the
next year. Oh no, what happened to it? Maybe Baldwin
dies malaria just being a kid. Yeah. In the Middle Ages, yep.
His sister succees her son, and of course Guy is
mad king. Sounds about right, Baldwin. The Force Realm was
destroyed by Saladean following the decisive victory of Guy at
the Horns of the Hatton in eleven eighty seven. His
Baldwin's sister and her daughters died in eleven ninety, leaving
Isabella the First as the heir to the defeated kingdom.
So everything kind of falls apart once Baldwin dies. Well. Also,
they take Jerusalem. Saladin does not long after that, but
not under Baldwin's watch, Baldwin has to die first. Yeah.
They never lose territory under Baldwin either.
Speaker 1: He's fucking elite, dude.
Speaker 2: Yeah, while he's on the throne the kingdom, losing no territory.
He flourishes economically and spiritually. He's always putting out fires
with his fucking family. He understood the importance of urban
Saladine's power. Most Muslim historians too, had mad respects for Baldwin. Really, like,
in spite of illness. The Franks were loyal to him.
They gave him every encouragement, being satisfied to have him
as their ruler. They exalted him, they were anxious to
keep him in office. But they paid no attention to
his leprosy. So they were kind of like blown away
by that, Like, how are you letting this freak show leader.
Baldwin's public image may have been aided by his chastity
as well, seeing as evidence of more of a godly figure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was usually a thing with chicks, but a
virginity in general, Like that's why, I mean, dude, Even
like three hundred years later, the Elizabeth she was not
a virgin, and she was getting drilled by the aforementioned
Francis Drake and other people, but I think Walter Raleigh
maybe too. So she gave off the appearance she she
never got married, so people were like, oh, she's a virgin. Literally,
Virginia is named after Queen Elizabeth the Virgin Queen, do
you know?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Is she about that? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, fucked a
lot though.
Speaker 1: She got Oh my god, she was getting drilled all
the time, which.
Speaker 2: Is ironic though, because Baldwin's not like overly religious.
Speaker 1: Really, no, he's pragmatist.
Speaker 2: He is more of a pregnant living in the loveliest
city on Earth, loves history. He was given you know,
it's his birthright. Yeah, kind of, not really, it becomes
his birthright. Look, anything can become a birthright if you
live long enough and everyone else dies, and very rarely
his power given to those who deserve it. I think
Baldwin kind of did. I agree.
Speaker 1: The leoprosy really humbled him from an early age, although
it's funny in the movie they act like he didn't
know he had leoprosy at sixteen, yeah, which he definitely
for sure knew this entire time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like I can't feel it when you poke
me with the sword.
Speaker 1: I kind of wonder if you like, as a kid,
that was like a fun school yard trick. He's like, dude,
punch me in the right arm. I won't feel nothing.
Speaker 2: I bet it was. You can't hurt me. Pinch me, dude?
What can you?
Speaker 1: Can you imagine playing slug bug with him or whatever?
What is it? Not slug bug but where you punch
each other in the.
Speaker 2: Arm buggy like if you see a volt Volkswagen.
Speaker 1: No, it's not that, it's where fuck What is a
game called where you just take turns punching each other
in the arm till somebody gives up. You never played
that game as a kid?
Speaker 2: No? You never? We ball tapped, Yeah, balt to whatever
I'm talking about. It's literally it's like a game. It's
like a dual doorknob someone farts.
Speaker 1: No, it's like a dual you like challenge them, like, dude,
play me in slug or whatever.
Speaker 2: Forget what it's called. We had slap fights.
Speaker 1: I've done all those things too. But what I'm saying
you never did the arm punching thing where it's like
you challenge each other to punch each other in you
take turn. It's like a slap. It's like a one
of those slap contests, right that you see from Russia
or whatever where they fucking.
Speaker 2: Power slap, power slap or whatever.
Speaker 1: It's two dudes and you're punching each other in the
arm and until.
Speaker 2: So we didn't do that, but we did Rick Flair
chop offs. So like I Rick Flair chopped, do you
you Rick Flair chopp oka kind of get went back
and forth. I didn't punch you in the arm.
Speaker 1: Though, Okay, it's the same thing, like you got to
wind up like not running started, but like you have
to wind up punch in the fucking arm and then
you're like, ah fuck and then you know, you turn around,
you get to give it to them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we got it. That'd be fun with Baldwin.
Speaker 1: Oh, Baldwin had to have dominated one.
Speaker 2: Imagine. I can't imagine he was super strong with the
punch back.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, swinging with the left hand actually probably yeah,
unless he was left handed.
Speaker 2: They just they they fixed like a a brass knuckle situation.
Speaker 1: Well, if he's left hand, he's fine, right, he's because
I think you're supposed to punch in the arm. You
don't punch with otherwise it's not fair that the one
guy gets to go first.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you punched in the left arm typically and
then the right.
Speaker 2: You punched it at the same time. No you side,
you say you're hitting the hitting the hitting this.
Speaker 1: Party, I get it. Who's today's hitler?
Speaker 2: Get gee? Gee gee?
Speaker 1: Although, honestly, like low key, Saladin killed a lot of Muslims,
so let's let's pump the branks on him being a
hero of the religion.
Speaker 2: You gotta do what you gotta do, get power. They're
a pragmatic religion.
Speaker 1: What's would you learn today?
Speaker 2: Umm?
Speaker 1: Well, I learned that Baldwin did not have a mask.
Speaker 2: Bummer. I learned that a baby Bjorn for Kings existed
for adult lepper Kings towards the end.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, which is just such a bummer to think
about at all.
Speaker 2: I don't like it. It's not a great visual for battle. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Not surprised Ridley Scott left out on the cutty floor.
That would have been so dope though.
Speaker 2: Uh yeah, I learned a lot today.
Speaker 1: Actually I didn't know. I mean I was familiar with all,
like certain parts of this from King Heaven and just
gaming and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I learned a lot today. Actually, go well,
that's all we got today. Make sure to check out
the Patreon at patreon dot com slash softcore history to
additional episodes every week Wednesday Friday they drop. There's also
at this point like three years of evergreen content. Not
like you. I don't think you can go back and
listen to it all now. Do you sign up right now?
I don't think you can drop in two a week.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna be able to catch you up. It's
too much content.
Speaker 2: We dare you to try. Yes, do we challenge you.
We challenge you to listen to all our speed run.
If you do, say, sign up on Patreon, though, do
it through a web browser, please and thank you.
Speaker 1: If you do it with Apple pay on your iPhone
through the Patreon app, they will take thirty percent of
the money we need.
Speaker 2: It won't really affect you because we're not going to
raise the price, but.
Speaker 1: You you pay the same, it would really kind of
fuck us. It takes a third of it out.
Speaker 2: If you cu sign up online and then you can
use the Patreon app on your phone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Patron apps totally fine to use, just don't
pay on it. If you could you could sign up
through a web browser.
Speaker 2: That'd be to usual laptop or whatever. Uh yeah, leave
review please and thank you five stars Apple Spotify haven't
gotten a new review and Apple a long time. It's
been months. It's been months since we got a fucking review.
I can check if we have. I don't think we have,
but yeah, well read them off. We get some good reviews,
so I mean, even if you've left the review, re
up it. I don't know. Yeah, do a five star
and write again please and then rank it does It's
the only way in manipulate the charts. Tell a friend
about the podcast too, Tell multiple friends, tell a crew
about it. We're complete strangers a date.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there are a bunch of people at
the wedding. I was out a month ago that I
was the best man for, gave a speech and you know,
made a lot of friends. Like in the wedding party,
they're all super nice, super cool, and they're like, oh wow,
that's what you do for a living, which is always
like the worse to even explain. But it's also sounds
like they're talking down Neil. Yeah, but no they're like,
oh my god, I'm gonna listen to it. For sure,
but our listeners haven't really gone up. So I think
I was just lied to by a bunch of well
meaning liars.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this and you were at
Daddy's wedding, fine, good, thank you, but I don't here.
I don't think they are dirty liars. Well, if you
just pick up his you know.
Speaker 2: Third job as an uber driver, you know what I was.
You just played the podcast and be like, oh, what's
this and you just crank it up. Oh, that's not
the worst idea. You're just constantly having that going. And
then they're like sounds like you, look, it's not me.
You gotta play off like it's not you. You gotta
do a de voice, do do an accent?
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh no, I love it's not me. I was
just too bloody hilarious Americans or following.
Speaker 2: I love them. I just saw the lads are so funny.
You go listen to it. Very small British pist initially sorry,
I'll no better, ill, no, I'll know it's funny. I'll no, Yeah,
what are you gonning? In love?
Speaker 1: But I kind of want to be like a Domino's driver,
just get free pizza.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, you could also just be an
uber driver with like a Pakistani accent. I don't know
if I could sell it.
Speaker 1: I actually don't have a good Arabic or Anean accent here. Yeah,
I can't do it without it being like overly offensive,
I mean offensive or not. Look, my Irish accent's pretty
top of the morning. Tell your lad like that's if
an actual Irish person here is that. You know, you
sound like a fucking cartoon. But to us it's no
different than not po.
Speaker 2: Yeah, nailed it, crushed. Yeah anyway, so I got for
today for rough Fox, I'm Damna Jester. You just got Saucer.