Speaker 1: Hello, ever you want, and welcome back to the podcast episode.
Speaker 1: My name is Alicia Gogin, the host of the Globe
Speaker 1: Secrets podcast. Why I help you expand your mind and
Speaker 1: become more self aware so that you can glow up
Speaker 1: into the best version of yourself. Hello, how are we
Speaker 1: doing today? I hope everyone is doing fantastic. I'm excited
Speaker 1: to talk about this topic today because you guys ask
Speaker 1: me a lot about this about how to build self trust,
Speaker 1: how to trust yourself. So I want to give you
Speaker 1: my tips in my advice and what I have found
Speaker 1: has worked for me and what I see in others
Speaker 1: when it comes to becoming a woman who deeply trusts herself.
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of us have struggled with this,
Speaker 1: specially women, I find, but there's men who listen to
Speaker 1: this podcast. So please take this advice and use it
Speaker 1: as you will. But I have struggled in my life
Speaker 1: and I see you guys struggle in your lives when
Speaker 1: it comes to decision making, low confidence within yourself, when
Speaker 1: you are facing challenges in your life, not knowing how
Speaker 1: to have independence, being codependent, and I think a big
Speaker 1: one for a lot of the questions that I get
Speaker 1: surrounding self. Trust is having a lack of consistency and
Speaker 1: like showing up for yourself, which in turn usually equates
Speaker 1: to this feeling of, oh, I don't trust myself because
Speaker 1: I never do the things that I say that I
Speaker 1: want to do. Now, something I want you to see
Speaker 1: here is you wanting to trust yourself. You wanting to
Speaker 1: be consistent, you wanting to not be anxious, not be
Speaker 1: codependent on someone, to be independent, to really just believe
Speaker 1: in yourself, and to feel like you are resilient through
Speaker 1: hard times. What all of that really is is safety.
Speaker 1: You are looking for safety within your own self, your
Speaker 1: own life, and even in other people when you're wanting
Speaker 1: to trust them. So when you're asking the question how
Speaker 1: do I trust myself, what you're really asking, in my
Speaker 1: personal opinion is how do I feel safe within myself
Speaker 1: and my life? So let's talk about that, and I
Speaker 1: think what will help is to see how one usually
Speaker 1: ends up trusting someone else, like someone external, like a
Speaker 1: friend or a family member or a relationship, and then
Speaker 1: we can kind of reflect that back and see how
Speaker 1: we can really apply the same ways we learn to
Speaker 1: trust people to ourselves. And I also want to give
Speaker 1: you some of the tips that I have just learned
Speaker 1: over my journey of like things that have just helped
Speaker 1: me be somebody who deeply trusts herself and like backs herself,
Speaker 1: and a few steps at the end of this episode
Speaker 1: that you can kind of really apply moving forward to
Speaker 1: help build that trust within yourself. So when you trust someone,
Speaker 1: you trust someone because you feel safe with them. And
Speaker 1: what makes you feel safe with a person, And let's
Speaker 1: just hypothetically, like think about if we were in a
Speaker 1: healthy sense of trusting people. What I have observed within
Speaker 1: my own relationships, which, by the way I have strow
Speaker 1: with being able to trust people in my life. I
Speaker 1: basically have summed it up into two things that I've
Speaker 1: witnessed within myself and when I'm learning to trust people,
Speaker 1: and like, what I think is important when it comes
Speaker 1: to feeling safe and trusting someone. One way that I
Speaker 1: feel like I can trust someone is when I can
Speaker 1: be comfortable around them. And what I really mean is
Speaker 1: there's this sense of unconditional love. There's this feeling that
Speaker 1: when I'm with my friend, she is not judging me,
Speaker 1: or my mother is not judging me, or my boyfriend
Speaker 1: is not judging me. And there's also this sense of relatability,
Speaker 1: because when you are around people who make it known
Speaker 1: that you can be yourself and they're not going to
Speaker 1: judge you, you're going to open up more, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be more authentic, and you're going to trust that it's
Speaker 1: okay to be yourself, and that really leads into you
Speaker 1: feeling safe. Now. I find the second part of what
Speaker 1: it really means to actually like know you can trust
Speaker 1: someone is that the person that you are trusting is reliable.
Speaker 1: They are consistent in your life, They will show up
Speaker 1: when it's important, They are not running away from problems,
Speaker 1: from situations, they have the capacity to be able to
Speaker 1: hold you in certain times, etc. So when I find
Speaker 1: a person where it's very clear that they are very
Speaker 1: non judgmental, they are themselves, they are usually like authentically themselves,
Speaker 1: which is why you can probably believe that you can
Speaker 1: be yourself around them. They're really open, They're just unconditionally loving,
Speaker 1: and they are reliable, and they're consistent and they're stable
Speaker 1: within your life and they're showing up. That is when
Speaker 1: I find I usually melt into trusting someone. And I
Speaker 1: will use the example of my best friend Joye and
Speaker 1: my mother, my best friend Joyee. I feel like I
Speaker 1: can be authentically myself. I can be authentically myself because
Speaker 1: she is herself as well. It's very non judgmental. We're
Speaker 1: on the same page. We're just real, We're just like
Speaker 1: we're not like these people pleaser we're not these well,
Speaker 1: actually I take that back. I feel like I'm probably
Speaker 1: more of a people pleaser than she is in different aspects,
Speaker 1: but like not within our own relationship whatever. We have
Speaker 1: created this bond, which by the way, takes time, where
Speaker 1: we are just ourselves. Okay, So that is one component
Speaker 1: where I believe that I can really come to her
Speaker 1: and I can trust her and I know she's not
Speaker 1: going to judge me. But the second half is she
Speaker 1: is very stable in my life. She is the most consistent,
Speaker 1: most stable person, somebody who is so reliable in every
Speaker 1: aspect genuinely of one's life, where I can look at
Speaker 1: her and be like, I know you will be there
Speaker 1: for me if things get tough, if I need to
Speaker 1: come to you with any of my problems, You're going
Speaker 1: to pick up the phone, You're going to be there,
Speaker 1: You're going to show up, You're going to do the things.
Speaker 1: If I have to rely on you for something. You
Speaker 1: will be there. If I get sick, you will be there, X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z. So that is a perfect recipe for
Speaker 1: me to be able to trust someone in my life.
Speaker 1: My mother on the other hand, which I love my mom.
Speaker 1: I literally love her. There's no one that I love
Speaker 1: more than my mom. There's no other feeling that I've
Speaker 1: ever felt, maybe like with Joey, like shout out to Joeye,
Speaker 1: like love you so much. But I feel like my
Speaker 1: mom was the first person and the only person really
Speaker 1: that taught me unconditional love. And she's just a beautiful
Speaker 1: human being. So on one hand, she has always been
Speaker 1: so accepting, so lovely to me, so like be your
Speaker 1: authentic self like I used to even when I was
Speaker 1: like in high school, Like you know when you go
Speaker 1: through the awkward stages and you just like judge yourself
Speaker 1: or you feel like, oh my boy doesn't look like this,
Speaker 1: or oh I'm not pretty enough, like she would always
Speaker 1: tell me like the opposite, being like you're beautiful like
Speaker 1: this that she never spoke down on herself. She never
Speaker 1: talked about her weight, she never dieted, she never did
Speaker 1: any of that because she accepted herself and she looked
Speaker 1: at herself in a really good light, and obviously she
Speaker 1: didn't want me to feel like that as well. So anyways,
Speaker 1: there's at that aspect. So I just like always knew
Speaker 1: I could come to her with really anything. She always
Speaker 1: created that safe space. But unfortunately, throughout some of my
Speaker 1: years she became unreliable in some senses. And that's just
Speaker 1: that's life. If you guys know my story, then you
Speaker 1: know people have their own things that they go through
Speaker 1: in their lives where unfortunately they're not able to show up,
Speaker 1: they're not able to be that consistent, that reliable, and
Speaker 1: in general, like I just think that not everyone is
Speaker 1: going to be the most perfect person that you can
Speaker 1: like fully put all your trust in. Right, and even
Speaker 1: before all the chaos that had happened in our lives
Speaker 1: throughout my teens and into my twenties, like kind of
Speaker 1: like leading up to like more, around this time, she
Speaker 1: had to work a lot. There was times where she
Speaker 1: wasn't able to pick me up from school, or my
Speaker 1: dad wasn't able to pick me up from school, And
Speaker 1: when somebody is struggling with any sort of mental health
Speaker 1: or cycles, sabotage, addictions, all those things, unfortunately, there's times
Speaker 1: where they're not reliable. So I wasn't able to fully
Speaker 1: continue that like real deep trust within her because of
Speaker 1: that component. And it's not necessarily even the worst thing,
Speaker 1: like I said, because there's just gonna be people that
Speaker 1: unfortunately it's just like that's just the name of the game.
Speaker 1: But I just want you to see how like when
Speaker 1: I think about trusting somebody, I am going to feel
Speaker 1: like I can fully trust them if they have those
Speaker 1: two components of that unconditional accepting love but also that reliability.
Speaker 1: Like there needs to be both of those things because
Speaker 1: if not, yeah, it's great that I can come to you,
Speaker 1: but in terms of like really important things, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be stressed out because I don't know if you're going
Speaker 1: to be able to pick up the phone when I
Speaker 1: need you. And this is the same relationship and the
Speaker 1: same two aspects that we need to look at and
Speaker 1: adopt within our own lives when it comes to our
Speaker 1: self trust. Okay, so let's break it down kind of again,
Speaker 1: but towards ourselves. There's two components that personally, for me,
Speaker 1: make it so I can look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: I can just like sit in my consciousness and sit
Speaker 1: in like the reality of who I am and be like, no,
Speaker 1: I really trust myself, like I deeply trust myself. I
Speaker 1: feel like I have my own back. I feel like
Speaker 1: I can navigate this world, this chaotic, crazy life that
Speaker 1: I have that's so beautiful. But I feel like I
Speaker 1: can do that. And there's two main things that really
Speaker 1: make me feel so grounded in that. And the first
Speaker 1: thing is to accept myself. How do you accept yourself though,
Speaker 1: Because I feel like this is where a lot of
Speaker 1: you guys really struggle with And I talk about this
Speaker 1: a lot. And when I say, you, guys, yeah, I've
Speaker 1: struggled with it before, I'm so much better at this now.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's hard for you to accept yourself because when
Speaker 1: you feel any sort of shame, whether that be because
Speaker 1: you've let yourself down or your past or things aren't
Speaker 1: perfect in your life, you are really uncomfortable and you
Speaker 1: do not accept that part your reality to be true
Speaker 1: about you. It's almost like you have this sense of
Speaker 1: conditional love on yourself. If I show up, if I'm
Speaker 1: a good girl, if i feel like I'm measuring up
Speaker 1: against these women over here or society over here, then
Speaker 1: I will accept myself. But on the flip side, because
Speaker 1: I don't unconditionally love myself and accept the fact that
Speaker 1: I'm a flawed human being. When I mess up, when
Speaker 1: I make a mistake, when I don't have the answer,
Speaker 1: I'm going to shame myself and be mad at myself
Speaker 1: and carry that shame with me. And I'm not going
Speaker 1: to release that. I'm not going to sink into that
Speaker 1: and accept what the reality is, which is I'm a
Speaker 1: human being and I'm flawed. So what I have learned
Speaker 1: on my journey when it comes to self acceptance is,
Speaker 1: first I like to understand why things played out the
Speaker 1: way that they did, whether it is I made a
Speaker 1: mistake or I didn't know, or I got back into
Speaker 1: a toxic relationship, or I didn't have boundaries. By the way,
Speaker 1: let's just like skip hop and jump right back to
Speaker 1: the beginning of this. There's a reason why you don't
Speaker 1: have boundaries. There's a reason why you have an ancients attachment.
Speaker 1: There's a reason why you keep accepting the bare minimum.
Speaker 1: This is not to mean that we're going to accept
Speaker 1: it and just like use trauma as an excuse as
Speaker 1: to like why your life is a mess. But you
Speaker 1: need to have a lot of self compassion and love
Speaker 1: for yourself and be like, let me look at why
Speaker 1: my life is like this and why I don't trust
Speaker 1: myself and why I don't even accept myself in the
Speaker 1: first place, And you'll come to find there's reasons for that.
Speaker 1: You might have grown up in a childhood where your
Speaker 1: parents didn't teach you proper boundaries, there was no real
Speaker 1: consistent love in your life, there was a lot of
Speaker 1: judgment in your household, there was a lot of instability.
Speaker 1: So it's no wonder you don't know how to create
Speaker 1: stability in your own life. You can't get mad at
Speaker 1: yourself for that, and that's going to be the piece
Speaker 1: that you need if you really want to feel like
Speaker 1: you deeply trust yourself. I feel like we're always looking
Speaker 1: on like the external of like, Okay, what are the
Speaker 1: three steps If I just like go to the gym more,
Speaker 1: if I like eat right, or if I like hit
Speaker 1: those goals and I'm gonna trust myself, It's like it
Speaker 1: runs way deeper than that. I promise you it runs
Speaker 1: way deeper than that. And the way that you are
Speaker 1: even going to feel like you can accept yourself is
Speaker 1: being okay with those negative emotions, those feelings of disappointment
Speaker 1: of wow, I'm not maybe like the most perfect person,
Speaker 1: and I can understand why I'm not because I have
Speaker 1: this pattern or I have this trauma and that's okay,
Speaker 1: that is okay. How can I understand myself more, understand
Speaker 1: why I operate like this and give myself grace instead
Speaker 1: of bash myself, instead of carry the weight of this
Speaker 1: shame that is not even really needed. And that is
Speaker 1: so huge when it comes to building real self trust.
Speaker 1: And there's actually a Pinterest quote that I saved and
Speaker 1: it says unlearned shame, all kinds of shame, abuse, unemployment, sickness, vulnerability, longing, desire, mistakes, failures.
Speaker 1: You need not be ashamed of what you are feeling
Speaker 1: or living. Freedom and shame cannot coexist. And it's really true.
Speaker 1: You have to re lease this shame and this self
Speaker 1: hatred that you have towards the things that have happened
Speaker 1: in your life. You have to learn to let go.
Speaker 1: You have to learn to embrace it. You have to
Speaker 1: learn to accept it. And I'm not saying that's an
Speaker 1: easy task. It's really not. I understand that, but it's
Speaker 1: like the alternative is you moving through life being mad
Speaker 1: at yourself for being a human being and carrying the
Speaker 1: weight of those feelings. Sometimes you're allowed to be sick,
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're allowed to be unemployed. Sometimes you're allowed to
Speaker 1: have made mistakes. You do not need to be ashamed
Speaker 1: for that. You just never learned in your life how
Speaker 1: to be comfortable with those feelings of disappointment, whether it's
Speaker 1: you've disappointing someone else or someone disappointing you, or you
Speaker 1: disappointing yourself, or failure, or feeling rejection or feeling loss instead,
Speaker 1: because you didn't know how to have a relationship with
Speaker 1: those lower negative emotions, you just felt, oh my god, gosh,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be feeling like this, and now I feel
Speaker 1: really terrible about myself because I shouldn't be feeling like this,
Speaker 1: and then you go into this shame cycle. It's not needed.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately a lot of us, even myself, we were really
Speaker 1: not taught how to be comfortable with uncomfortable emotions and feelings.
Speaker 1: And if you want to be somebody who deeply trusts
Speaker 1: themselves and accepts themselves, and you want to step into
Speaker 1: womanhood honestly, because that's what I really feel like it
Speaker 1: is it's really just being more comfortable with the fact that, yeah, hmm,
Speaker 1: I'm a human being, Like, damn, I don't know the answer.
Speaker 1: I am scared right now. I feel vulnerable right now.
Speaker 1: I am afraid to lose this person. I am upset
Speaker 1: at myself for not doing better, and I can see
Speaker 1: why I didn't do better, and I can extend myself grace.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, all of that
Speaker 1: is what it is, which is that's what I'm feeling
Speaker 1: right now, and I don't need to try and even
Speaker 1: change that. Can I learn how to welcome it more?
Speaker 1: Can I accept more of that? Bringing it back to
Speaker 1: my mother, if I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling like,
Speaker 1: oh I'm so embarrassed I did something wrong or bad
Speaker 1: or this, that she's welcoming me. She's not also like
Speaker 1: enabling me, but she's just being like, you're a human being.
Speaker 1: It's okay, I still love you anyways. That is the
Speaker 1: energy that you want to have with yourself, and I
Speaker 1: promise you, if you keep practicing that, you will go
Speaker 1: so much further in life. Okay. The second part of
Speaker 1: being able to trust yourself is building real reliability within
Speaker 1: your life and I think that this is probably where
Speaker 1: you guys came to this episode for or probably an
Speaker 1: idea of what it really means to build trust. And
Speaker 1: this is going to be important when it comes to
Speaker 1: the things that you do in your own life, but
Speaker 1: also the requirements and the standards that you have with people, places,
Speaker 1: and things like outside of you as well in your life.
Speaker 1: So I have a little bit of a list of
Speaker 1: some things that I think are important to think about
Speaker 1: when it comes to building reliability in your life. So
Speaker 1: the first thing is no longer lying to yourself or others.
Speaker 1: This is something we do way more than we think.
Speaker 1: And when I was wanting to transform my life, one
Speaker 1: of the aspects that I was focusing on that I
Speaker 1: became really real with myself on was the fact that
Speaker 1: I would lie to myself and I would lie to
Speaker 1: others a lot. Not in a way that was like
Speaker 1: I was like this pathological liar, but I would like
Speaker 1: say white lies, or essentially I would be a people pleaser, right,
Speaker 1: So I would say something even though I knew that
Speaker 1: I didn't really want to do it, or I wouldn't
Speaker 1: follow through with it or this that, or I would
Speaker 1: tell myself, oh I want to hit this goal. I
Speaker 1: want to do this thing, and I would like speak
Speaker 1: it out into existence, knowing damn well that I know
Speaker 1: myself and I'm not gonna take those steps to do
Speaker 1: it or like I don't really want to do it,
Speaker 1: like without doing any like introspection. And the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm saying this is so important is because you are
Speaker 1: very aware of when you are lying to yourself and
Speaker 1: to others, even if you're not like actually conscious of it,
Speaker 1: like you just do it automatically. It's like it's automatic thing,
Speaker 1: especially like when you're people pleasing in this that. But
Speaker 1: it's almost like you have this like young part of you,
Speaker 1: like you're inner child. You can say, who's kind of
Speaker 1: like watching you as an adult and she's watching you
Speaker 1: say that you're gonna do X, Y and Z, and
Speaker 1: then you keep not doing it, and she's like, how
Speaker 1: many times are you gonna keep doing this? And you
Speaker 1: know what, I don't really trust you because every time
Speaker 1: you say you're gonna go to the gym, or you're
Speaker 1: gonna hang out with these people, or you make plans,
Speaker 1: knowing damn well, we know dan well in our heads,
Speaker 1: we don't want to do that. You keep doing that,
Speaker 1: and you keep failing at that and not following through
Speaker 1: with that, I'm gonna get to point and this is
Speaker 1: what happens. I'm gonna get to a point now where
Speaker 1: I really don't trust anything that you say. And so
Speaker 1: now I'm going to judge you all the time when
Speaker 1: you go through the life. I'm just gonna like sit
Speaker 1: in the back of your head and be like, you're
Speaker 1: a liar, You're not actually serious about this, You're not
Speaker 1: actually going to do that. There's literally like an inner child.
Speaker 1: That's like watching you continuously break promises the same way
Speaker 1: you probably did when you watched a parent continue to
Speaker 1: break promises to you or didn't show up or wasn't reliable.
Speaker 1: So it's really important that you show up for yourself
Speaker 1: in a way of just stop lying to yourself so
Speaker 1: much and stop lying to other people. And what does
Speaker 1: this really look like? It just means like, stop committing
Speaker 1: to things that you know realistically you're not going to
Speaker 1: be able to live out or you're not going to
Speaker 1: be able to follow through with. And you have to
Speaker 1: get comfortable with being a disappointment to some people. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you have to get comfortable with the fact that, oh,
Speaker 1: people might not lock you if you if you don't
Speaker 1: show up, I don't know, like you know, it depends
Speaker 1: on what it is that you're doing. I remember I
Speaker 1: used to always like be asked by a lot of
Speaker 1: my party friends, like back in the day, especially when
Speaker 1: I got into self development to go on the weekends
Speaker 1: and this that, and I never really wanted to go,
Speaker 1: Like I knew deep down I didn't want to go.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to drink, I don't want to rooin
Speaker 1: my schedule and this that. But because of the people
Speaker 1: pleaser and I was like too uncomfortable to say no,
Speaker 1: I would say yes, and then by the time the
Speaker 1: week end came around, I would always come up with
Speaker 1: some stupid excuse to the point where it's just like
Speaker 1: I knew that I look like this flake and this
Speaker 1: like liar and this that, And I really could have
Speaker 1: just stopped all of that by just being real with
Speaker 1: my friends and being like, Hey, I'm not interested in
Speaker 1: going to this thing on the weekend, Hey do you
Speaker 1: want to do something during the day on this day. Instead,
Speaker 1: I would just like wait till the last minute, and
Speaker 1: I would keep saying yes to things that I knew
Speaker 1: if I was going to be real with myself. I
Speaker 1: knew I wasn't actually down for I didn't want So
Speaker 1: that's a huge part of building real trust within yourself.
Speaker 1: And I think just being realistic with yourself when it
Speaker 1: comes to your goals and setting goals and things like
Speaker 1: that can be an example of like not lying to yourself.
Speaker 1: You know what you're gonna accomplish during the week. If
Speaker 1: you have been not going to the gym for the
Speaker 1: past year, why do you keep telling yourself and speaking
Speaker 1: it out loud and telling all your friends about it,
Speaker 1: that you're going to the gym this week. You're going
Speaker 1: to the gym, and it's going to be five days
Speaker 1: a week when you've never gone to the gym like
Speaker 1: consistently once a week at least for like the entire year.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. And again, it's not to
Speaker 1: say that you don't want to have aspirations and goals,
Speaker 1: but be realistic with yourself. And I always bring the
Speaker 1: example of, like, you know how everyone says I want
Speaker 1: to start a YouTube channel, I want to start a
Speaker 1: YouTube channel. Stop talking about the YouTube channel until you
Speaker 1: do it, please stop seriously. And I had to get
Speaker 1: real with myself about that as well. I had to
Speaker 1: get real with myself about going to the gym and
Speaker 1: eating right. I don't speak things out into existence until
Speaker 1: I actually take that action, and I just found that
Speaker 1: it has created so much more sense of confidence, trust
Speaker 1: and actual action because it's like, why am I talking
Speaker 1: about these things unless I actually do that? Me know,
Speaker 1: next thing is to remove yourself from people who are
Speaker 1: not reliable in your life. Okay, so this is another
Speaker 1: thing that really breaks your own self trust is when
Speaker 1: you keep letting people in your life who are not reliable.
Speaker 1: And I think that this is a quick shout out
Speaker 1: to all the anxious attached girlies. On one hand, yes,
Speaker 1: you have anxious attachment because you have had some sort
Speaker 1: of trauma in your life. Clearly, you know, like the
Speaker 1: attachment styles and this that. But it gets a point
Speaker 1: where like you have to kind of be the adult
Speaker 1: of yourself and know when to remove yourself from things
Speaker 1: that are clearly triggering you. And the reason why I'm
Speaker 1: saying anxious attachment is because a lot of the times,
Speaker 1: and obviously it depends, right, you could be in a
Speaker 1: relationship that's really healthy and you're super anxiously attached. But
Speaker 1: I do think like you have to kind of be
Speaker 1: real with yourself and realize like when half of or
Speaker 1: more than half of your anxious attachment would be easily
Speaker 1: taken away if you just stop letting people who are
Speaker 1: very clearly not reliable in your life. Right. I feel
Speaker 1: like we try and make situationships work. We try and
Speaker 1: make people who are in and out hot and cold,
Speaker 1: ghosting or whatever, friends who are flaky or this that
Speaker 1: in our lives, and we're like acting a lot from them,
Speaker 1: and then we're getting upset when we're super anxious and
Speaker 1: this that. But it's like you you have to protect
Speaker 1: yourself and you have to see who are the reliable
Speaker 1: people and who are not and stop surrounding yourself and
Speaker 1: trying to rely on these people who are clearly not reliable.
Speaker 1: And I can even bring it back even to like
Speaker 1: my mom as well. I learned in my twenties, like
Speaker 1: what I can rely on her with and what I can't.
Speaker 1: And I just had to mature in that sense instead
Speaker 1: of crying about the fact that she wasn't consistent in
Speaker 1: this that do I have to warn that loss in
Speaker 1: a way? Did I have to do some deep healing work?
Speaker 1: Did I have to like feel my feelings yes, of
Speaker 1: course all of that is true, and yes, like that's
Speaker 1: kind of like a deeper conversation, but at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, I had to be real with myself.
Speaker 1: There's just going to be people who I am no
Speaker 1: longer letting in my life or like trying to rely
Speaker 1: on them for and you have to know who those
Speaker 1: people are and you have to remove yourself. You can
Speaker 1: get a lot of reliability and consistency in your life,
Speaker 1: but it's going to be up to you to be
Speaker 1: able to put yourself in those places around those people
Speaker 1: if you want that. Okay. The next thing that IS's
Speaker 1: so dishonoring that you really need to stop doing is
Speaker 1: giving away your personal power and allowing other people to
Speaker 1: make decisions for you by simply always going to people
Speaker 1: to make the decision for you, or thinking that people
Speaker 1: have better answers or they do it better, or they
Speaker 1: just know more than you. Now, obviously this is really
Speaker 1: really hard for you to sometimes even discern because on
Speaker 1: one hand, like how do you learn what's good for you?
Speaker 1: And information education, we've literally been instilled as young children
Speaker 1: to grow up looking up to people, of course, but
Speaker 1: there comes a point where you're going to have to
Speaker 1: decide whether you are going to continue to give away
Speaker 1: your personal power by asking people to validate you all
Speaker 1: the time, second guessing everything you do, assuming that everyone
Speaker 1: knows the better answer. Understand that the more times you
Speaker 1: give up your power and wait for someone else to
Speaker 1: decide for you, or wait for someone else to make
Speaker 1: you happy, or wait for someone else to validate you you,
Speaker 1: or whatever the case is, you will never actually be
Speaker 1: able to build confidence with yourself. You literally just won't.
Speaker 1: This could be as simple as continuously always asking your
Speaker 1: friends which photo you should post on Instagram, or it
Speaker 1: could be asking every single person about every decision that
Speaker 1: you want to make when it comes to schooling or work,
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, most likely you're
Speaker 1: gonna end up wanting to do what you want to
Speaker 1: do anyways. But also if you start making decisions based
Speaker 1: off of what everyone else thinks, you will never feel
Speaker 1: the sense of I decided this for myself, because you
Speaker 1: know your inner child has looked at you and witnessed
Speaker 1: that this decision was never yours. You didn't decide that,
Speaker 1: you didn't decide that you liked that Instagram photo. You
Speaker 1: allowed somebody else to decide for you. That that looks good,
Speaker 1: or you didn't actually decide to go in this career path,
Speaker 1: you let everyone else decide that for you as well. Now,
Speaker 1: I think this is a really hard concept really to
Speaker 1: even grasp, to understand that you actually know what is
Speaker 1: best for you more than anyone else, especially when you
Speaker 1: are maturing as an adult, because you don't have any
Speaker 1: experience maybe, or you do want that validation, or you
Speaker 1: genuinely just don't feel safer within yourself. But what you
Speaker 1: will find as you grow up is no one really
Speaker 1: knows the answer, okay. And also even if somebody has
Speaker 1: an answer, it doesn't mean that that answer is for you,
Speaker 1: that pathway is for you, that outfit is for you.
Speaker 1: Why Because everyone is operating out of their own beliefs
Speaker 1: and their own preferences and their own stories and their
Speaker 1: own needs and wants. So just because I'm doing something
Speaker 1: this way doesn't even mean that you should be doing
Speaker 1: it that way. So what do you need as a
Speaker 1: human being? Which you will not know unless you check
Speaker 1: in with yourself and you say, where do I want
Speaker 1: to go in life? What do I want to do?
Speaker 1: What do I actually like? So creating space in your
Speaker 1: life where you can give yourself more power. You know what,
Speaker 1: I like this photo, I'm going to post it without
Speaker 1: asking one hundred people because it doesn't matter what these
Speaker 1: people think because I like this photo. Or I want
Speaker 1: to do this little hobby on the weekend instead of
Speaker 1: going out with my friends, because I actually really want
Speaker 1: to do this thing, and I'm not going to even
Speaker 1: try and course people to come and do that with
Speaker 1: me and like it the way that I do, and
Speaker 1: if they don't like it, then that means I shouldn't
Speaker 1: like it. I'm gonna go do that for me because
Speaker 1: that's what I want to do. Or let's say you
Speaker 1: have this deep desire to start this new side hustle
Speaker 1: or this business, or you want to do YouTube, or
Speaker 1: you want to do a podcast, you want to do
Speaker 1: something whatever, you have that desire within you for a reason.
Speaker 1: Just because somebody else doesn't have that desire, just because
Speaker 1: somebody around you doesn't have the experience or they don't know,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you shouldn't go and do the thing
Speaker 1: you really want to do. Go seek out people who
Speaker 1: are doing the same things that you really want to do.
Speaker 1: Find those expanders, find people who are similar to you
Speaker 1: that validate you. In the ways that you actually want,
Speaker 1: and you will find you will become more authentically you.
Speaker 1: This does not mean that you can't have advice from people.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you're never gonna want to have
Speaker 1: validation from people, And don't mean you should always surround
Speaker 1: yourself with people who only think the same way as you.
Speaker 1: But I do find people that I've met in my
Speaker 1: life who it's very clear they do not trust themselves
Speaker 1: with anything. They tend to give themselves a lot of
Speaker 1: room to negotiate with themselves and back and forth and
Speaker 1: being indecisive. Stop allowing yourself to be so indecisive. You
Speaker 1: have to go out in your life and be mature
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, I need to make a decision,
Speaker 1: And any decision that I make will be the right decision.
Speaker 1: Why because it's a decision for me. And even if
Speaker 1: it doesn't pan out, and even if it's the wrong
Speaker 1: decision or I don't like the meal, or I don't
Speaker 1: like the person I started dating, or I don't like
Speaker 1: the career path that I chose, guess what I have
Speaker 1: me and I'm going to accept myself if that doesn't
Speaker 1: turn out the way that I chose it to turn out.
Speaker 1: Why Because I'm a human being and I decided to
Speaker 1: do that based off of all the information that I knew,
Speaker 1: and I am going to be fine because I am
Speaker 1: going to show up for myself. If for some reason
Speaker 1: it's quote unquote a bad decision, there's no real even
Speaker 1: bad desis decision. You should actually get that out of
Speaker 1: your head. I think the worst decision that you can
Speaker 1: make is just doing things based off of what everyone
Speaker 1: else is doing and not what you actually want. So
Speaker 1: stop giving yourself so much leeway when it comes to
Speaker 1: negotiating and being decisive, and you can really start small
Speaker 1: with Let's say you are somebody who never makes the
Speaker 1: decision when it comes to going out for dinner or
Speaker 1: when you're getting ready with your friends and you're switching
Speaker 1: out fits one hundred times. Decide, decide that you look good,
Speaker 1: Decide that it's going to be fine, Decide that you're
Speaker 1: going to be comfortable, and decide that you don't need
Speaker 1: to continue to go down this road where you're constantly
Speaker 1: negotiating and being indecisive because it's really counterproductive. You're not
Speaker 1: getting anywhere by doing that. You're going to have to
Speaker 1: make a decision anyway. So you might as well just
Speaker 1: do it now and be more sure about yourself. And
Speaker 1: also you will be more of a joy to be
Speaker 1: around with other people, and that confidence will exude to
Speaker 1: other people like friends, romantic, whatever. Because you're not so indecisive,
Speaker 1: you become an unreliable source as well to other people.
Speaker 1: When you can't be reliable and you are always indecisive yourself.
Speaker 1: Trust me. I have seen those people, and when I
Speaker 1: see them, it's not like I'm judging them because I understand,
Speaker 1: like I really do. Sometimes I can be indecisive myself,
Speaker 1: but it's like I can't trust you because you don't
Speaker 1: know how to trust yourself and decide. And sometimes all
Speaker 1: you need to do in your life is just decide,
Speaker 1: which actually leads me into the next thing, which is
Speaker 1: positive self talk, which is very, very very huge when
Speaker 1: it comes to building trust within yourself. And this kind
Speaker 1: of brings it back to like deciding. Let's say you're
Speaker 1: being indecisive when an outfit and you always do that
Speaker 1: and you never know and what it looks good and
Speaker 1: you're sending your friends one hundred thousand photos and you're
Speaker 1: asking your boyfriend if you look good, and that there
Speaker 1: is a part of you that doesn't have any sort
Speaker 1: of positive self talk, because if you did, you would
Speaker 1: find any outfit would look good and you would just decide.
Speaker 1: And again, I understand you wanting to look good, and
Speaker 1: there might be a time where you actually have to,
Speaker 1: you know, like make some decisions. You have to try
Speaker 1: on this outfit. Yes, we get that it's okay, but
Speaker 1: there is a huge correlation between people who are very
Speaker 1: indecisive and their self talk. You need to get better
Speaker 1: with speaking to yourself kindly. You should be telling yourself
Speaker 1: any outfit that I wear is going to sligh, I'm
Speaker 1: going to look beautiful half the time. It doesn't even
Speaker 1: matter when I go out. That's not even going to
Speaker 1: be the most important thing, etc. Etc. Etc. If I'm
Speaker 1: going out to dinner, I'm gonna tell myself, no matter
Speaker 1: what past that I choose, I'm gonna enjoy it. And
Speaker 1: if I don't enjoy it, no problems, not going to
Speaker 1: be the end of the world. I'll pick something else
Speaker 1: next time. Maybe I'll have a bite of somebody else's food,
Speaker 1: maybe I'll share it with someone else, Like, it's not
Speaker 1: the end of the world. Even when it comes to
Speaker 1: bigger decisions in our lives, whether it's career paths or
Speaker 1: you know, going for this job or whatever school this
Speaker 1: that I understand that the stakes are higher, But again,
Speaker 1: your self talk should be something as Okay, I'm going
Speaker 1: to go into this career path because X, Y and Z,
Speaker 1: I really like it, I have desire to do it.
Speaker 1: I really want to follow it. There's some fear there.
Speaker 1: I'm still afraid. I don't exactly know if this is
Speaker 1: the right thing. I'm gonna be with myself with that,
Speaker 1: I'm a human being. It's going to be normal that
Speaker 1: I'm afraid to go and do something, but I'm still
Speaker 1: going to do it anyways. And if it doesn't pan out,
Speaker 1: if for some reason I don't like the course or
Speaker 1: I don't like the program, or something happens and something changes,
Speaker 1: you know what, I Am going to be fine. It's
Speaker 1: all gonna work out. There's gonna be a reason and
Speaker 1: a rhyme as to why these things work out in
Speaker 1: this way, and I'm going to be safe, and it's
Speaker 1: going to be fine. The universe, God, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: has me, I have myself. I'm going to be fine.
Speaker 1: You need to start speaking to yourself like that, and
Speaker 1: that's like the basis of what it even means to
Speaker 1: really trust yourself, right, Because if you think about when
Speaker 1: you don't trust yourself, you're always in your head battling
Speaker 1: yourself back and forth, back and forth, back and forth,
Speaker 1: and the internal dialogue is really, really shitty. It's not good.
Speaker 1: So you need to practice speaking to yourself kindly. You
Speaker 1: need to practice being optimistic. You need to stop going
Speaker 1: into the negative and allowing yourself to speak it out
Speaker 1: into the universe. Okay, we understand that there might be
Speaker 1: a time and a place where that might be the
Speaker 1: wrong decision, But why do we have to complain about
Speaker 1: every second? Why do we have to tell of our friends,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is what I'm afraid of and
Speaker 1: I don't think it's going to happen, and what chetes
Speaker 1: on me? And he's probably doing this that. In the third,
Speaker 1: it's not about suppressing your emotions and your feelings. Yes,
Speaker 1: you can have a space to talk about these things,
Speaker 1: for sure, but you need to clock yourself and be
Speaker 1: honest with yourself when you are allowing yourself to continue
Speaker 1: to play out this victim narrative, because that will always
Speaker 1: be your life. I promise you you will always have
Speaker 1: that shitty experience happen and play out and manifest and
Speaker 1: in general, even if it doesn't, you're just going to
Speaker 1: be really unhappy and you're still not going to trust
Speaker 1: yourself because that's all you let yourself do. So let's
Speaker 1: talk about a few steps that you can take, actionable
Speaker 1: steps that you can move forward in your life with
Speaker 1: when it comes to deepening your trust. There's three things
Speaker 1: that I want you to kind of focus on, and
Speaker 1: one of them is to have a weekly goal for yourself.
Speaker 1: And this is this is going to take some you
Speaker 1: sitting down and being introspective of what really your flavor
Speaker 1: of like distrust is, Like do you lie to yourself
Speaker 1: a lot? Or do you lie to other people a lot?
Speaker 1: Or do you keep setting unrealistic goals or do you
Speaker 1: keep asking all your friends about their opinion on things
Speaker 1: and you never like decide for yourself, Like you kind
Speaker 1: of have to see where you're kind of like doing
Speaker 1: this dishonoring behavior. And I want you to pick one thing,
Speaker 1: and I want you to practice it every week, but
Speaker 1: you can even do it for like the next week.
Speaker 1: Practice one thing where you are going to, let's say,
Speaker 1: stop lying to yourself let's say you commit to things
Speaker 1: when you know you're not actually gonna do it every
Speaker 1: single week. I want you to stick to one promise
Speaker 1: to yourself. That could be anything to do with your health,
Speaker 1: your diet, your fitness like wellness, romantic relationships. You know,
Speaker 1: maybe you really want to stop being really dysregulated and
Speaker 1: reacting right away to anything that your partner does or
Speaker 1: triggers you with. Maybe this week is your focus is
Speaker 1: going to be at least one time when you have
Speaker 1: one feeling like of emotional like dysregulation, you are going
Speaker 1: to first check in with yourself and do a journal practice,
Speaker 1: or you're going to call your friend, or you're going
Speaker 1: to text instead of unloading on that person and you're
Speaker 1: just going to do that one time and you're going
Speaker 1: to just see how that goes. Or again, you're not
Speaker 1: going to commit to one hundred million things that you
Speaker 1: know you're not going to live out, or maybe you're
Speaker 1: going to practice holding a boundary just one thing and
Speaker 1: I want you to complete it. And the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm saying like complete promise, keep is because you're really
Speaker 1: not going to build real confidence and real trust within
Speaker 1: yourself unless you actually take the action and flesh it
Speaker 1: out in your life, like actually do the thing right
Speaker 1: instead of talking about starting the podcast channel or starting
Speaker 1: the YouTube or messaging one hundred people as to how
Speaker 1: do I start? Go on YouTube, sit down and have
Speaker 1: a little to do list of the three things that
Speaker 1: you need to start your YouTube channel, and you go
Speaker 1: and you take that action. And if you do not
Speaker 1: take that action, you are not going to talk about
Speaker 1: it again. You're not going to keep asking one hundred
Speaker 1: people how do I start? And this that when you
Speaker 1: already have your blueprint, you know what you need to do.
Speaker 1: You either do it or you don't. Now this leads
Speaker 1: me into the second thing, which is when you find
Speaker 1: you have let yourself down or you're being an imperfect
Speaker 1: person because you are a human being. I want you
Speaker 1: to instead speaking to yourself as like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm the worst, I'm shitty, I'm not accomplishing things, I
Speaker 1: don't trust myself. I want you to focus on having
Speaker 1: a practice of redirecting your thoughts aka speaking to yourself
Speaker 1: in a more positive way. Now you can do this
Speaker 1: as a journal practice. Like let's say I don't know,
Speaker 1: you're like really ruminating on the fact that like you
Speaker 1: don't trust yourself, or there's just some sort of negative
Speaker 1: self talk. I want you to literally physically get up
Speaker 1: and go and take your journal, or you can speak
Speaker 1: this out loud. Sometimes I do this as well, which
Speaker 1: will kind of lead into the next thing. And I
Speaker 1: want you to write a letter to yourself about how
Speaker 1: you are not wrong or bad or a flawed human
Speaker 1: being because you feel sad today because you didn't hit
Speaker 1: that goal, because you have a past of X, Y,
Speaker 1: and Z. I want you to practice being unconditional loving
Speaker 1: to yourself. Okay, because this is huge, bring it back
Speaker 1: to the two pieces that we were talking about. Reliability,
Speaker 1: which is what I just told you, having one goal
Speaker 1: a week. But the second piece is going to be
Speaker 1: you actually accepting yourself and loving yourself through the process.
Speaker 1: And the third thing that I want you to do
Speaker 1: now this can be weekly, monthly, bi weekly, however you
Speaker 1: want to do this. I want you to create some
Speaker 1: sort of ritual that acknowledges and uplifts the fact that
Speaker 1: you are now somebody who is building real self trust,
Speaker 1: and you are somebody who is becoming more confident, and
Speaker 1: you are somebody who has hit certain milestones and certain goals.
Speaker 1: When it comes to let's say, self trust or anything
Speaker 1: in your life. I think celebration is so incredibly important
Speaker 1: for anyone who is trying to make real change in
Speaker 1: their lives, and I think that we kind of like
Speaker 1: put it to the side and we stop really highlighting
Speaker 1: the fact that we are actually really check changing and growing.
Speaker 1: And the reason why I'm saying this also is, you know,
Speaker 1: we actually do a lot of positive habits in our
Speaker 1: lives that could build a lot more self trust, but
Speaker 1: we don't spend time to really acknowledge it. We don't
Speaker 1: sit down every week and say, you know what, this week,
Speaker 1: I literally did this today. By the way, before I
Speaker 1: got on the podcast, I said, and I spoke this
Speaker 1: out into existence. So when I meet a ritual, this
Speaker 1: could be journaling. This could be you just talking to yourself.
Speaker 1: I live by myself, so I'm always talking to myself.
Speaker 1: It could be like you acknowledging it with a friend,
Speaker 1: or you like taking yourself on a date, like celebrating
Speaker 1: it that way. You can do whatever you want. Okay,
Speaker 1: whatever you want. But I was saying to myself, like, Alicia,
Speaker 1: you did such a good job this week. You showed
Speaker 1: up consistently with your morning routines. Lately, I've been waking
Speaker 1: up at like six ams. Definitely go check my main
Speaker 1: channel if you want more motivation when it comes to
Speaker 1: waking up early and like healthy lifestyle. But I was
Speaker 1: hitting all my goals when it came to getting the
Speaker 1: proper sleep. I was doing all of my work. I
Speaker 1: did studying, I saw clients, I saw my friends, I
Speaker 1: saw so many people in my life. I went to therapy,
Speaker 1: I created space for disconnecting. I did so many steps
Speaker 1: this week. I really just like pushed through a lot
Speaker 1: of things. And I don't even just mean like it
Speaker 1: was like a hard week, like push through, but like whatever,
Speaker 1: I did so many things. And the reason why I'm
Speaker 1: saying that is because I know it's so important for
Speaker 1: me to take a second in my day, throughout the week,
Speaker 1: whatever it is to be like Alicia, you should be
Speaker 1: proud of yourself. And Guys, I want you to understand this.
Speaker 1: There are things that I didn't do perfect this week.
Speaker 1: I was triggered a few times throughout the week. I
Speaker 1: cried this week. I got in my head this week.
Speaker 1: I didn't like finish like all the tasks on my
Speaker 1: to do list this week. And I'm accepting all of
Speaker 1: it and being like, you know what you did amazing.
Speaker 1: I fucking love you for this. You're you're seriously amazing,
Speaker 1: and you have continuously shown yourself that you can show
Speaker 1: up and you can hit goals and you don't even
Speaker 1: need to be a fallest human being to do that.
Speaker 1: And when I continue to do that, set goals for
Speaker 1: myself and actually flesh them out and actually act on
Speaker 1: those goals, and also have a practice of speaking to
Speaker 1: myself kindly and being graceful and being real with myself
Speaker 1: and just being like a fun human being where it's like, girl,
Speaker 1: you don't have to be perfect to like have a
Speaker 1: relationship or like have friendships, or have success in your life,
Speaker 1: or like have people in your podcast like like you.
Speaker 1: Things like that, and I celebrate that. It's a recipe
Speaker 1: for feeling like you are the shit. It's a recipe
Speaker 1: for you believing that when tough times come, you got
Speaker 1: yourself even if you're afraid, even if you're nervous, because
Speaker 1: you have continuously spent your weeks and your days, your months,
Speaker 1: your years doing this, Okay, and I'm going to end
Speaker 1: it with this, you have to understand that time will
Speaker 1: always play a part in building trust within yourself and confidence,
Speaker 1: and there's really not much that you can do when
Speaker 1: it comes to time other than continuously keeps showing up
Speaker 1: for yourself until you feel more embodied, over and over
Speaker 1: and over again. I will tell you I am turning
Speaker 1: twenty nine in like a little over a month. Every
Speaker 1: single year. I just feel like I trust myself more
Speaker 1: and I have more confidence with myself. So on the
Speaker 1: days where I don't feel that confident or I feel
Speaker 1: a little bit like like not feeling the best about myself,
Speaker 1: I just remind myself, you know what, that's life. You're
Speaker 1: still in your twenties. Even when you get to your thirties,
Speaker 1: there's gonna be a whole chapter of life where you're
Speaker 1: probably gonna feel like an impostor when you have a child,
Speaker 1: marriage is gonna feel new to you. This that like,
Speaker 1: there's so many things that are just gonna feel like
Speaker 1: you're not doing right. But you know what, that's okay.
Speaker 1: That is literally okay. And the more you grow and
Speaker 1: the more time goes by, you're just going to feel
Speaker 1: more confident. So if you don't feel that right now,
Speaker 1: understand that there is a part of this where it's
Speaker 1: just time, right, and you can't really do much about it,
Speaker 1: but to just continue to live out your life and
Speaker 1: do the best that you can. And I saw a
Speaker 1: quote where I don't really know if this is like
Speaker 1: exactly the quote, but it was basically saying, like, you
Speaker 1: should really give yourself more grace because this is the
Speaker 1: first time that you're living, and sometimes we just forget that.
Speaker 1: It's as if we expect ourselves to know how to
Speaker 1: do life correctly, but it's like, this is your first
Speaker 1: time living. It's their first time being twenty eight, is
Speaker 1: gonna be your first time being twenty nine, and you're
Speaker 1: only gonna be twenty nine once. It's gonna be your
Speaker 1: first time being a mom. And even when you're like
Speaker 1: a mom to a second child, it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: different dynamic because you have one here and you're a
Speaker 1: little bit older, and your relationship might change a little
Speaker 1: bit with your husband. Is that like, there's a first
Speaker 1: time for everything, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: And two little Pindress quotes that I will end this
Speaker 1: episode with that I really liked recently. One is facing it,
Speaker 1: always facing it. That's the way to get through is
Speaker 1: to face it, okay. So when things get hard, believe
Speaker 1: in yourself you can face it. You can do it.
Speaker 1: And then the last one says, no one ever tells
Speaker 1: you that brain feels like fear. Okay, So bring it
Speaker 1: back to this like unconditional love piece and this like
Speaker 1: acceptance piece. There's going to be things that you're still
Speaker 1: going to be afraid to do, but just understand that
Speaker 1: it's okay to be afraid to do those things. Don't
Speaker 1: wait for the day that you're like one hundred percent
Speaker 1: excited and positive and like ready to take on the
Speaker 1: world and confident about yourself. And this that the real
Speaker 1: confidence comes with time. It comes with you showing up.
Speaker 1: It comes with you being brave and being a little
Speaker 1: bit afraid to do the things that you want in
Speaker 1: your life. But that is how you're going to get
Speaker 1: your results. When I started my podcast, when I started
Speaker 1: my YouTube channel, I had less confidence within myself than
Speaker 1: I do now. But the only way that I was
Speaker 1: able to get confidence within myself now and be successful
Speaker 1: with what I'm doing is to what is to start somewhere,
Speaker 1: is to take that action, is to stop playing with
Speaker 1: my life and to go from my dreams and understand
Speaker 1: that is just a part of life. So I hope
Speaker 1: you guys enjoyed and I'll see you guys in the
Speaker 1: next one. Bye.