WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:03.640 This is Ellen Stewart, the Pushy broad from the Bronx, saying, 2 00:00:03.759 --> 00:00:06.400 remember everybody needs a little. 3 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:11.039 Push from the push shit broad from the Bronx, New York. 4 00:00:14.599 --> 00:00:15.240 At Home. 5 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:21.879 Welcome Transformation Talk Network listeners. My name is Ellen Stewart 6 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:26.039 and I am the Pushy broad from the Bronx. Welcome 7 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:31.160 to my show Recovery Recharged, where I share advice and 8 00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:36.399 support from experts in addiction and recovery. This is a 9 00:00:36.439 --> 00:00:42.240 straight talk episode, and that means you get questions answered 10 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:46.679 directly from the Pushy broad as a certified recovery coach 11 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:51.000 and life coach, having a lot of experience in behavioral 12 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:55.119 health and addiction services, and also of course being in 13 00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:59.159 long term recovery myself. There are so many topics that 14 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:03.920 interest you in this arena, and this one in particular 15 00:01:04.239 --> 00:01:10.480 is certainly worthy. What happens when you're trying to get healthy, 16 00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:17.680 stay healthy, stop drinking, trying to fit in abstinence one 17 00:01:17.799 --> 00:01:21.719 day at a time, no more drinking, no more drugs, 18 00:01:22.280 --> 00:01:27.159 and you are dating somebody or living with somebody or 19 00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:31.920 married to somebody that is not doing any of that, 20 00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:38.319 and that still decides to party, drink, and drug to 21 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:44.400 the point that it becomes a very chaotic environment for you, 22 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:51.640 so difficult that living in a sober environment becomes harder 23 00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:56.599 and harder for you to navigate. So I'm going to 24 00:01:56.599 --> 00:02:00.519 talk to you about some real tools, some boundaries, some 25 00:02:00.599 --> 00:02:04.280 decisions you may or may not make, so we can 26 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:11.960 decide where our recovery begins and where codependency ends. So 27 00:02:12.039 --> 00:02:14.080 here are the most popular questions that I get from 28 00:02:14.120 --> 00:02:17.680 my clients and when I get from my audience, and 29 00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:20.479 my producer, Emily's in the studio today. She's going to 30 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:22.560 feed them to me and we're going to get started. 31 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:25.039 Good morning, Emily. What's the first question? 32 00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:30.360 Good morning? First question is what's the biggest mistake people 33 00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:31.680 make in this situation. 34 00:02:34.680 --> 00:02:37.120 There are a few of them, but the number one 35 00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:42.000 mistake is that if you aren't trying to stay clean 36 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:45.080 and sober, and you're in a relationship with somebody that 37 00:02:45.159 --> 00:02:49.240 you care about, somebody that you love, you may confuse 38 00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:55.000 that love with the responsibility of taking care of them 39 00:02:55.039 --> 00:03:00.439 without properly taking care of yourself, putting your knee on 40 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:04.759 the bottom of the list while you have their needs 41 00:03:04.879 --> 00:03:10.800 at the top. Right, confusing love with responsibility and sliding 42 00:03:11.000 --> 00:03:15.000 right into codefendans right, and we know that word, and 43 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:18.039 it's a true word, and it's an addictive word because 44 00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:24.120 codependence is an addiction because we believe that our partner's 45 00:03:24.199 --> 00:03:29.800 well being solely depends upon us, and we can't be 46 00:03:29.960 --> 00:03:34.199 happy unless our partner is okay. That's a relationship addiction, 47 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:39.080 and that's directly interfering with the addiction and the recovery 48 00:03:39.240 --> 00:03:42.919 of you trying to stay clean and sober. When you 49 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:48.120 don't put your recovery first. I tell you over and 50 00:03:48.199 --> 00:03:51.000 over and over again. You get on an airplane, the 51 00:03:51.080 --> 00:03:57.280 flight attendant says, put your oxygen mask on first. You 52 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:02.199 can't help anybody else if you are not taking care 53 00:04:02.280 --> 00:04:06.400 of you. So that's our biggest mistake. We put someone 54 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:13.240 else's needs before our own and interpret that as love, 55 00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:15.879 which it certainly is not. 56 00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:23.079 Emily, next question, what is actually your job in the relationship? 57 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:27.920 Well, I hate the word job because I don't think 58 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.600 relationship should be a job. If your relationship is a job, 59 00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:36.000 guess what, it's not a relationship. But nevertheless, maybe what 60 00:04:36.199 --> 00:04:40.879 your role should be in a relationship is first to 61 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:47.240 take care of your recovery. Every single treatment center, every 62 00:04:47.360 --> 00:04:52.800 single program, whether it's twelve step recovery or or harm reduction, 63 00:04:53.079 --> 00:04:57.600 or any of the recovery programs that work in treatment 64 00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:03.800 for lasting recovery. We'll tell you your recovery is the first 65 00:05:03.879 --> 00:05:07.759 and foremost thing you have to worry about. Taking care 66 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:10.759 of your health is the number one thing. Staying clean 67 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:15.199 and sober means the world now has purpose. You have 68 00:05:15.560 --> 00:05:20.560 the ability to move forward if not nothing else works. 69 00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:24.279 So what's your job in a relationship to take care 70 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:29.120 of you so you can be responsible and wonderful to 71 00:05:29.160 --> 00:05:33.360 somebody else, so that you can protect your safety and 72 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:37.120 their safety, so that you have peace of mind and 73 00:05:37.879 --> 00:05:42.600 they have peace of mind, so you're not managing their 74 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:49.920 emotions or their outcomes. And that becomes the way not 75 00:05:50.160 --> 00:05:55.959 to find yourself in a core codependent trap. Focus on you, 76 00:05:56.920 --> 00:06:02.639 and the rest will automatically take care of itself. Emily, 77 00:06:02.759 --> 00:06:03.759 next question. 78 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:09.879 What's the difference between support, enabling control and codependence? 79 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:13.879 Believe it or not, there are so many fine lines. 80 00:06:14.040 --> 00:06:18.040 There really are, and we see it every single day 81 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:21.879 in a partner relationship and espousal relationship, even in a 82 00:06:21.959 --> 00:06:26.480 parent child relationship. So here it is plain and simple. Okay, 83 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:34.120 Support in a relationship means healthy encouragement, not doing something 84 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:37.759 for someone else, not going in there and trying to 85 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:41.079 fix all the stuff that's happening around your lives and 86 00:06:41.160 --> 00:06:44.720 everybody else's lives so that nobody gets hurt because you're 87 00:06:44.759 --> 00:06:48.480 not a safety net. That's not who you are. Support 88 00:06:48.800 --> 00:06:56.879 is healthy encouragement, that's it. Enabling removes all the consequences. 89 00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:00.519 The first thing we learn in recovery is that actions 90 00:07:00.720 --> 00:07:06.519 have consequences. If you take the consequences away, you're just 91 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:09.160 going to keep doing the same negative behavior over and 92 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:12.800 over again. You're just going to keep being that person 93 00:07:12.920 --> 00:07:20.600 who is active in addictive behavior and addictive use. Enabling 94 00:07:20.920 --> 00:07:29.079 removes consequences. Control tries to force a change. If it's 95 00:07:29.160 --> 00:07:32.959 not working well enough, let's try to make it work better. 96 00:07:33.680 --> 00:07:36.720 Or if this isn't working, let me try to force 97 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:44.439 another solution that never works ever. And finally, codependence is 98 00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:52.199 when your identity and emotional stability revolves around somebody else's behavior. 99 00:07:53.560 --> 00:07:57.079 Stop living your life for someone else, You have to 100 00:07:57.160 --> 00:08:01.680 live your life for you, Emily, next question. 101 00:08:02.759 --> 00:08:05.399 Give us the Bronx moment on this. 102 00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:09.319 You know, like you know, I'm the pushy road from 103 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:12.000 the Bronx. Okay, so if I want to tell it 104 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:15.519 straight up, just like it is in my cheerleader and 105 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:20.279 my drill sergeant way, I would tell you this. You're 106 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:23.920 not their probation officer, you're not the A therapist, and 107 00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:26.639 you're not their mother. If this is your partner or 108 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:30.759 your spouse, okay, you're not their probation officer, you're not 109 00:08:30.920 --> 00:08:34.039 the a therapist, you're not their mother. And if you're 110 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:38.879 exhausted from trying to be those things, then you're codependent. 111 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:44.000 Then you are not worried about you enough. Then you 112 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:46.679 have to come talk to the Pushy Broad. Then you 113 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:51.960 have to do some relationship building with you, some self partnering, 114 00:08:52.360 --> 00:08:56.039 and make sure that you are taking care of yourself enough. 115 00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:00.399 I can't stress this enough. Okay, you can't be somebody 116 00:09:00.519 --> 00:09:06.519 else's guardian. You have to take care of you first. Okay. Now, 117 00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:08.720 if you're confused about any of this and you want 118 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:10.759 to do some work abound it, I need you to 119 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:13.480 go to Pushy Broad from the Bronx dot com, make 120 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:17.279 an appointment for a free consultation, and then let me 121 00:09:17.639 --> 00:09:22.039 help you concentrate on your recovery. Emily. 122 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:26.639 Next question, how can someone tell if they're enabling or 123 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:28.039 being codependent. 124 00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:33.879 Very simple, it's all easy. Sometimes we're in denial about 125 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:35.559 all of this and we don't want to realize that 126 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.240 we are codependent. So here it is. If your mood, 127 00:09:39.799 --> 00:09:44.120 your decisions, or your sense of self worth rise and 128 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:49.440 fall based on somebody else's behavior, or you're constantly rescuing 129 00:09:49.480 --> 00:09:56.000 them from consequences, you're in codependent territory. Okay, both of 130 00:09:56.039 --> 00:09:59.919 these things. Enabling and codependent. If you're trying to see 131 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:03.879 leave somebody, put a safety not there, make everything all 132 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:09.120 right for someone, excluding your own consequences, then you're enabling somebody. 133 00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:12.559 There it is. I need you to pull back from 134 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:16.200 both of those things and understand that the best love 135 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:19.360 you could give someone, which is the hardest for people 136 00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:23.480 to understand, is the beginning of understanding what it means 137 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:27.799 to love yourself. People think that they're not entitled to 138 00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:31.320 love their self. Their people think it's selfish to focus 139 00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:35.320 on themselves. It is not. It is self less in 140 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.240 a way because you're able to concentrate on the things 141 00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:43.840 that matter, and that's being open. That's allowing other people 142 00:10:43.960 --> 00:10:50.879 to affect their own consequences. And when that happens, love blossoms. 143 00:10:51.600 --> 00:10:54.879 It doesn't shrivel up and die. Emily. 144 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:59.399 Next question, what's a simple tool to help people stay 145 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:01.279 in their life? 146 00:11:01.559 --> 00:11:06.480 Really simple? Again, three things. What's mine is mine, what's 147 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:11.080 theirs is theirs, And for me, what's God's is God's 148 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:15.360 meaning in recovery, we say, let go led God. That's 149 00:11:15.360 --> 00:11:17.679 what we do, which means I'm going to let go 150 00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:21.200 in and let the universe take its course. So if 151 00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:25.960 you're not particularly spiritual, I get it. I have many, many, 152 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.279 many strictly science based clients, and we talk about the 153 00:11:29.320 --> 00:11:32.799 movement of the universe or what's going to unfold on 154 00:11:32.879 --> 00:11:36.000 its own. We don't have to control it every turn. 155 00:11:36.440 --> 00:11:42.120 We are only driving our own car. Okay, we're behind 156 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:46.600 the wheel of our own vehicle. We're not driving anybody 157 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:50.600 else's car. And the rest of it, the universe is 158 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:54.159 taken care of. So I need you to realize that 159 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:58.840 the universe can function very well on its own without 160 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:03.120 you trying it return to manipulate it. Okay, what's mine 161 00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:06.799 is mine, what's theirs is theirs, and what the universe 162 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.039 decide is up to the universe. Emily. 163 00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:13.759 Next question, can you give us an example of that 164 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:14.559 tool in action? 165 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:22.960 Okay, let's say your partner comes home drunk, and whatever 166 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:26.799 they do, whatever their behavior is, belongs to them. If 167 00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:31.080 they've gotten into a serious situation, if they've landed in jail, 168 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:35.120 if they're in debt, if they have done something that 169 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:39.919 is a result of their drinking and drugging, whatever responsibility 170 00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:48.159 they face belongs to them. Their actions, their consequences. Your response, however, 171 00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:53.559 is yours, totally yours, which means how you react to 172 00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:57.399 them is up to you, Which means if you start 173 00:12:57.399 --> 00:12:59.799 to begin to fix it or cover it up, or 174 00:12:59.799 --> 00:13:02.000 tell tell them it's going to be okay, or any 175 00:13:02.039 --> 00:13:04.279 of those things, which means you're going to be directly 176 00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:12.799 involved into a situation that overlaps your well being, then 177 00:13:12.879 --> 00:13:14.360 I need you to say, I've got to stay in 178 00:13:14.360 --> 00:13:17.120 my lane, How am I doing, how am I feeling? 179 00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:21.120 This really doesn't apply to me. I can listen to them, vent, 180 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:24.200 I can support them from afar, but I am not 181 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:26.919 going to fix it and I am not going to 182 00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:31.919 jeopardize my recovery in the process. That's the example. Okay, 183 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.919 remember push she brought from the Bronx dot com. The 184 00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:38.279 summer is coming, It's here. Schools are out in a 185 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:41.960 couple of weeks, colleges are out, the whole world is partying. 186 00:13:42.360 --> 00:13:45.960 This is the time to get serious about who you 187 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:48.480 are and what your recovery is all about. 188 00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:52.919 Emily, next question, what does it mean to live in 189 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:55.440 a wet house? Ah? 190 00:13:55.480 --> 00:13:59.000 Okay, So if you're trying to stay sober in an 191 00:13:59.120 --> 00:14:04.159 environment where where substances are present, that's living in a 192 00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:07.200 wet house where everybody else is drinking and drugging, and 193 00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:12.320 you're trying to navigate a sober life. Of course, that's hard. 194 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:17.399 Not only is it hard to stay clean and sober, 195 00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:21.840 which is hard enough, but to do that well, everything 196 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.519 is coming at you, where all the triggers happen all 197 00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:31.519 at once, every single day, would wear anybody down. That's 198 00:14:31.559 --> 00:14:33.679 trying to be a martyr. You can't be a martyr. 199 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:39.240 All you can do is try to move away from 200 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:43.679 substances and move away from triggers that want you to 201 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:48.559 go back to substances. Everybody that wants to go on 202 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:51.159 a diet doesn't go to the supermarket and come back 203 00:14:51.200 --> 00:14:54.159 with k candy and ice cream in the refrigerator. So 204 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:57.639 when they open the refrigerator all they see is cake, 205 00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:01.279 candy and ice cream. How does one stay on a 206 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:03.960 diet if it's right in front of you all the time. 207 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:11.480 Every single treatment, every single science based research tells us 208 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:16.679 that if we're around something long enough, we will cave in. 209 00:15:17.799 --> 00:15:22.399 So we have to separate ourselves, which sometimes is the hardest. 210 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.320 But if we can't, maybe we can't. Maybe we can't. 211 00:15:27.080 --> 00:15:29.240 There are other ways we can get around it, and 212 00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:31.279 we're going to talk a little bit about it as 213 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:34.960 time goes on here. But I know that many of 214 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:38.559 you because many of my clients are in situations where 215 00:15:38.679 --> 00:15:41.120 they're doing their best to stay clean and sober on 216 00:15:41.159 --> 00:15:45.759 a daily basis, and their partner is not clean and sober, 217 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.320 and they are surrounded by bottles of beer, bottles of wine, 218 00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:55.480 marijuana pills in the medicine cabinet, everything that looks to 219 00:15:55.679 --> 00:16:01.039 take them down at every moment. I understand how hard 220 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:05.039 it is, I really do. But I want you to 221 00:16:05.080 --> 00:16:08.000 survive through it, and I want you to flourish and 222 00:16:08.080 --> 00:16:11.799 go past it. Emily, next question. 223 00:16:12.759 --> 00:16:17.320 How do you protect your sobriety in that environment? There? 224 00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:22.039 You go here? It is so simple things create a 225 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:26.159 safe space. If you can't move your environment where you 226 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:28.799 don't want to, some people know that they can get 227 00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:33.039 themselves out of an environment. But that also seems very insurmountable. 228 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:36.120 I understand you're trying to do one thing at a time, 229 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:40.080 and the first thing is to stay abstinent, stay clean 230 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:42.879 and sober, maybe one minute at a time. So how 231 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:44.080 are you going to move and how are you going 232 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:46.840 to do this? And how you're going to create an 233 00:16:46.919 --> 00:16:51.360 upheaval in your life? I get it. So instead, take 234 00:16:51.519 --> 00:16:54.600 a safe space I don't know, a corner of the room, 235 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:59.879 a closet, a safe empty space that you can make 236 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:03.240 peaceful and calm. The walk in the park, and a 237 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:06.640 certain bench under a tree, a walk with the dog. 238 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:11.039 Create a safe place where you are away from all 239 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:14.000 of the things that are triggers, and then you can 240 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:17.319 create that safe space in your mind when you need 241 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:22.480 to right. It's called mindfulness, understanding wherever my feet are, 242 00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:24.839 that's where my brain has to be. How can I 243 00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:29.079 go to the safe place in my mind? Limit the 244 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:33.759 exposure that you have to mood altering substances. You may 245 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:37.359 be sharing an apartment with roommates and everybody's getting high, 246 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:39.559 So maybe this is your time to go into your room, 247 00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:41.960 close the door, pick up a book, or put your 248 00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:45.279 headsets on, listen to some music and turn on the 249 00:17:45.319 --> 00:17:51.039 tube any of those things. And if you're codependent around 250 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:53.160 all of this because you choose to stay with a 251 00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.920 partner that is still using I need you to move 252 00:17:57.000 --> 00:18:01.359 away from their behavior and stop monitor their every move. 253 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:04.319 You know how it is when you want to stay 254 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:06.920 clean and sober, there's nobody on this planet that can 255 00:18:06.960 --> 00:18:09.960 tell you to do it, no matter how many times 256 00:18:09.960 --> 00:18:12.119 your partner may have told you, your friends may have 257 00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:15.640 told you, your folks may have told you, anybody. You 258 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:20.160 are staying clean and sober for you. So realize that 259 00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:22.799 if they want to get clean and sober, they're not 260 00:18:22.920 --> 00:18:25.079 going to do it for you. And if they think 261 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:27.839 they're doing it for you, it's not going to be sustainable. 262 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:31.680 So I need you to back it up. Understand that 263 00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:35.319 you don't want them controlling you. You can't control them 264 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:44.559 or their sobriety. So that's how you predict protect your environment. Emily, 265 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:45.839 next question. 266 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:49.519 What's an example of an exit plan? 267 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:57.000 There are many different things. When you are in a 268 00:18:57.079 --> 00:19:02.359 toxic relationship where both people are doing alcohol or drugs 269 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:07.039 on a regular basis, it becomes a series of situations. 270 00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:11.640 You may have started wondering whether or not the relationship 271 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:16.359 was working. How long you've been in relationships. I have 272 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:20.079 clients who have been married for twenty or thirty years. 273 00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:24.880 Even where one or both people in the relationship are 274 00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:30.240 continuously drinking or drugging. It is very hard to break 275 00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:33.440 away from these things. But I need you to say 276 00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:39.480 to yourself, do I want this chance for myself? Do 277 00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:42.440 I want the opportunity to see what life is like 278 00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:48.920 being completely clean and sober. That's the most important thing 279 00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:52.599 I know. When I got clean and sober, the thing 280 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:56.240 that was most appealing to me was to remember what 281 00:19:56.359 --> 00:19:58.279 it was like when I was a kid, where I 282 00:19:58.359 --> 00:20:00.799 didn't spend my life in my li My brain wasn't 283 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:07.079 functioning on mood altering substances, even marijuana, which is completely 284 00:20:07.240 --> 00:20:10.039 legal today and you can maybe smoke a little bit 285 00:20:10.119 --> 00:20:13.079 every night or whatever it is, but still you are 286 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:19.279 in a fog. There is a distinct difference between living 287 00:20:19.640 --> 00:20:23.960 clean and sober and living with any kind of mood 288 00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:27.440 altering substance. So when you decide you want to be 289 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:30.319 brave enough to make a change, not only because of 290 00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:35.039 that reason, but because you do not want to live 291 00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:39.880 in a situation that no longer works for you, Because 292 00:20:39.920 --> 00:20:42.920 I'm telling you, when both people are drinking and drugging 293 00:20:42.960 --> 00:20:46.519 to the point where you want to get sober, this 294 00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:54.960 is a great relationship that resembles toxic situations and negative influences. 295 00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:59.079 And if you want to start an exit plan could 296 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:01.240 be I want to go to couples counseling to see 297 00:21:01.240 --> 00:21:04.119 if this marriage is working from any point of view. 298 00:21:04.759 --> 00:21:08.759 Pick up the phone and call Pushy Broad, go to 299 00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:12.440 the website, make an appointment with me, and we'll see 300 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:16.720 whether this relationship is worth holding onto or worth letting go. 301 00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:22.480 But if things escalate, things escalate, if there's violence, if 302 00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:26.920 there's abuse, if there is a dangerous situation, no matter 303 00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:32.799 who you are, you must leave without guilt, without over explaining. 304 00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:35.160 You have to walk out the door. I don't care 305 00:21:35.160 --> 00:21:37.680 if you do it. He wakes up one day or 306 00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:39.400 she wakes up one day, and you're not in that 307 00:21:39.480 --> 00:21:45.599 bed anymore. I don't care. Get out of it. Codependence 308 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:49.759 will tell you to stay and management, manage it. Recovery 309 00:21:49.880 --> 00:21:55.440 will always tell you to protect yourself and protect your peace. 310 00:21:56.279 --> 00:22:00.240 Think about it hard, and don't do it alone. Let's 311 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:04.039 get some support. I'm here for you, Emily. 312 00:22:04.359 --> 00:22:09.200 Next question, how important is outside support in this. 313 00:22:09.319 --> 00:22:16.759 Situation immensely important, but I do urge you to start 314 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:20.640 with professional help first. And let me tell you why. 315 00:22:21.079 --> 00:22:23.559 There are so many people that talk to me about 316 00:22:23.559 --> 00:22:26.599 talking to their friends about situations or talking to their 317 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:31.440 family about situations. I'm not saying that that's not important, 318 00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:36.519 but understand friends and family will not understand the way 319 00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:42.400 a recovery professional will understand, or whether a behavioral health 320 00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:49.160 therapist will understand, because family may be on your side 321 00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:51.759 for a minute, and then when things change may be 322 00:22:51.960 --> 00:22:57.440 on your partner side. Friends will vacillate depending upon how 323 00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:03.160 they are feeling. Family will also take sides depending upon 324 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:08.720 how they are feeling. A professional doesn't put feelings into it. 325 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:14.079 Their feelings don't matter. My feelings around this have nothing 326 00:23:14.119 --> 00:23:17.400 to do with your situation, which is why you need 327 00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:23.680 independent professional advice and the ability to be allowed to 328 00:23:24.039 --> 00:23:28.799 vent to get the support you need because you can't 329 00:23:28.839 --> 00:23:32.839 have it bottled up. There's no place to go except 330 00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:36.480 self recrimination, and that's something you don't want to do. 331 00:23:37.640 --> 00:23:43.359 So support is critical, especially for breaking codependent patterns, because 332 00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:47.440 that's an addiction. You need voices like the pushy broad 333 00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:50.880 that reminds you what's yours and what isn't yours? What 334 00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:55.240 doesn't belong to you? I cannot stress this enough. Take 335 00:23:55.279 --> 00:23:58.720 advantage now because I'm taking new clients. Pushy broad from 336 00:23:58.759 --> 00:24:02.400 the Bronx dot com. Make an appointment for a free consultation. 337 00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:06.000 We will go from there. It's the spring, new things 338 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:11.640 are blossoming. Now is the time, Emily, What else have 339 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:12.519 you got? 340 00:24:13.400 --> 00:24:16.160 What's one piece of homework for listeners this week? 341 00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:23.160 Okay? Really simple? Really? Maybe I want you to set 342 00:24:23.240 --> 00:24:28.599 one clear boundary, one clear boundary, and notice when you're 343 00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:33.200 having difficulty breaking that boundary. For instance, I am not 344 00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:37.559 going to tell them to stop drinking so much at night. 345 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:40.920 I'm not going to count the beer bottles in the 346 00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:45.000 garbage pail. Okay, I'm not going to go searching for 347 00:24:45.079 --> 00:24:48.759 the wine bottles that are underneath the couch. Okay. I 348 00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:51.119 know you're out there, and I know you're doing it. 349 00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:55.440 I need you to send one clear boundary, and that 350 00:24:55.480 --> 00:24:58.240 big thing is to focus on you and say to yourself, 351 00:24:58.599 --> 00:25:02.799 this does not belong to me. I am clean and sober. 352 00:25:03.079 --> 00:25:06.480 I need you to set one clear boundary and see 353 00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:11.119 how many times that boundary comes up, and how many 354 00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:16.839 times you want to break that boundary, and then I 355 00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:21.079 need you to get some support because this takes time. 356 00:25:21.720 --> 00:25:26.920 I promise you you can recover from codependency from enabling, 357 00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:29.359 and you can stay clean and sober. 358 00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:36.279 Emily, next question, why shouldn't people make big relationship decisions 359 00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:37.079 and crisis? 360 00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:42.799 Well, okay, so here it is in recovery. I've always 361 00:25:42.799 --> 00:25:45.279 been told one thing, and it's kind of like a commandment. 362 00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:50.559 We never make decisions in anger or in haste because 363 00:25:50.599 --> 00:25:57.440 invariably they will not work out. Ever, and it's a 364 00:25:57.440 --> 00:26:03.440 cloudy judgment call. I'm reacting from fear, not clarity, or 365 00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:08.119 I am reacting from pressure to act not clarity, and 366 00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:11.319 it's very hard for someone who is a recovering addict, 367 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:14.440 even because addicts want what they want when they want it, 368 00:26:14.759 --> 00:26:17.960 and they want it right now. Okay, So that means 369 00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:20.079 I want to give you a decision right away. I 370 00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:22.440 want to say yes right away. I want to make 371 00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:26.759 a decision for myself that may not be right immediately, 372 00:26:28.119 --> 00:26:34.119 because the impulse reaction is very strong in addiction, which 373 00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:36.240 means we go to save right away, We go to 374 00:26:36.279 --> 00:26:41.359 react right away, and sometimes out of fear or anger 375 00:26:41.680 --> 00:26:45.119 and not clarity. So I need you to pause, and 376 00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:48.039 I need you to say I'm not sure about that yet. 377 00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:51.079 I'll give you a decision in twenty four hours or 378 00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:53.680 I don't know if that's going to work for me. 379 00:26:54.200 --> 00:26:56.440 I have to give it some further thought. It's not 380 00:26:56.519 --> 00:27:00.880 a no, it's just a not now. That's all. That's 381 00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:07.039 the best thing to do. Okay, one more thing. Instead 382 00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:12.079 of reacting, I want you to explore three options codependence 383 00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:19.240 Russia's decisions Recovery allows space and reflection. I know that 384 00:27:19.359 --> 00:27:23.559 it's extremely important for you to do the right thing 385 00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:27.000 and feel that you're doing the right thing. But every 386 00:27:27.079 --> 00:27:29.640 single day you go without a drink or a drug, 387 00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:33.680 I promise you your life will get better. The clarity 388 00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:38.559 will return. The life that you're supposed to lead is here, 389 00:27:39.720 --> 00:27:42.400 and I want you to think about what it would 390 00:27:42.440 --> 00:27:47.839 look like in the next thirty days if you decided 391 00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:54.000 to do something drastically different with your life, Meaning, what 392 00:27:54.039 --> 00:27:56.160 would it look like in the next thirty days if 393 00:27:56.200 --> 00:28:00.960 you weren't in the situation you're in. Remember called the 394 00:28:00.960 --> 00:28:04.319 pushy brought from the Bronx. I am here to help 395 00:28:04.359 --> 00:28:09.359 you in this. You can sustain a relationship without losing yourself, 396 00:28:09.680 --> 00:28:13.880 and you can flourish in recovery. Thank you. 397 00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:21.000 She's a pushy broad from the Bronx, New York. Follow 398 00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:25.359 her voice a straight dog TI. She's a pushy broad 399 00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:30.960 from the Bronx. Oh yeah, don't be surprised if you want. 400 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:32.880 To listen twice, make. 401 00:28:32.759 --> 00:28:35.920