WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:01.919 Listen. I'm afraid when people are mad at me too, 2 00:00:02.200 --> 00:00:04.280 But at some point I go, I'm sorry, you're not 3 00:00:04.320 --> 00:00:06.759 going to live my life. I have to. If you 4 00:00:06.839 --> 00:00:09.759 don't keep boundaries, who's going to trust you? You don't 5 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:12.320 have any boundaries. I get real nervous from people of boundaries. 6 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:15.039 They're Lucy Goosey, make me nervous. You don't have to 7 00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:17.519 be angry and belligerent, but you can kind of speak 8 00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:19.239 up and decide what you want. And if you don't 9 00:00:19.239 --> 00:00:21.000 feel like having sex but you don't want to break 10 00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:22.280 up with your partner, then you say, you know what, 11 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:25.079 I'm not feeling it. The rules we were raised with, 12 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:28.359 I hate to tell you, is a lie and it's 13 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:30.039 not something you have to live by anymore. And you 14 00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:32.799 don't get points for clinging to things you did right before. 15 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:35.520 No one's giving out trophies for who is the good girl. 16 00:00:36.840 --> 00:00:39.439 Hi everyone, my name is Haley and this is Lara, 17 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:40.640 and welcome. 18 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:41.520 To the body Pod. 19 00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:49.960 All right, today we are so excited to welcome Terry Trespacio. 20 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:54.119 I got it right. I'm really happy to the body 21 00:00:54.159 --> 00:00:56.560 Pod today. And this is going to be quite a 22 00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:00.840 different podcast than I think that we normally have with 23 00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:05.120 our guests, Terry, we are so looking forward to diving 24 00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:07.840 in here, and I kind of want to start with 25 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:10.200 the good stuff right away. I want to go right 26 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:13.480 into your Ted talks. 27 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:15.840 Okay, yes, so. 28 00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:21.319 Let's kind of just cover the unfollow your passion and 29 00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:23.680 kind of start with that first one. But I love 30 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:26.959 the second topic, which we'll get to as well. Yeah, 31 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:29.120 from the second Ted talk, But could you just give 32 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:33.519 us a rundown of that Ted talk and what inspired 33 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:33.760 you to? 34 00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:38.599 Oh, so that Ted X talk is now looking to 35 00:01:38.680 --> 00:01:40.920 me a little long in the tooth. I mean it's 36 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:43.280 now ten years old, you know what I mean. So 37 00:01:43.359 --> 00:01:45.920 I'm like, it's not exactly top of mind for me, 38 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:49.239 but that talk changed my life. So it could be 39 00:01:49.239 --> 00:01:50.959 easy for someone to see that talk and go, oh, 40 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.400 this woman talks about this. So then she went and 41 00:01:53.439 --> 00:01:55.599 did a Ted talk about that. But that's not how 42 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:58.120 I got that Ted talk. I got that Ted talk, 43 00:01:58.680 --> 00:02:00.239 and by Ted I mean tedex But you know what 44 00:02:00.280 --> 00:02:02.239 I mean. I got how I've gotten some of my 45 00:02:02.280 --> 00:02:06.760 best opportunities. Someone dropped out and very close to like 46 00:02:06.840 --> 00:02:09.919 six weeks ahead of the event, I had been I 47 00:02:09.960 --> 00:02:12.599 think I manifested that because I was like, I so 48 00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:14.039 want to have a touch talk. And then I read 49 00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:15.719 a book that I won't name that I thought was 50 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:18.360 lousy that talked me basically out of it. Was like, 51 00:02:18.719 --> 00:02:20.719 oh is this too hard? I'm not smart enough? Do 52 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:22.400 I have to work at NASA? Like it made me 53 00:02:22.439 --> 00:02:24.439 feel like this is not something for a regular person 54 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:27.599 to do wrong. But again, this was years ago. And 55 00:02:28.159 --> 00:02:30.719 then someone on Facebook, not even a friend, when I 56 00:02:30.759 --> 00:02:33.960 tell you the loosest connection, said oh, you seem to 57 00:02:33.960 --> 00:02:35.960 do a lot of speaking, like we had someone just 58 00:02:36.039 --> 00:02:38.879 drop out. Our company sponsors this ted X here and 59 00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:41.879 you know someone dropped out, So would you be willing 60 00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:44.400 to meet the producer. We're trying to gather up people 61 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:46.439 who could pop in for this person. And I was like, 62 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:48.120 oh my gosh, Yes, I got on a call with 63 00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:51.280 the producer that day. That is not how that works. Now, 64 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.159 it's a cottage industry. Like you hire a coach, you 65 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:55.759 do this. I mean I've been hired by people to 66 00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:57.840 help them with their talks. I mean that's a whole industry. 67 00:02:58.039 --> 00:02:59.919 You apply, you got. I didn't do it for that. 68 00:03:00.759 --> 00:03:03.240 I basically they were in a scramble and I got 69 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:05.400 on the call with the guy and he said, so, 70 00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:07.639 do you have a ted talk in you? I did 71 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:11.520 not have a talk ready. I was like, maybe someday 72 00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:13.960 I'll do that. I had no idea, but I had 73 00:03:14.039 --> 00:03:17.240 been doing a lot of at the time my post 74 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.199 magazine editor life. I was a media coach, and so 75 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:22.599 I was helping people put into words what they do. 76 00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:24.840 That was what I did for many years. And so 77 00:03:25.240 --> 00:03:28.680 I had been in my mind trafficking and in trafficking 78 00:03:28.759 --> 00:03:33.439 in opinions and knowing that the contrary opinion usually lands, 79 00:03:33.560 --> 00:03:36.599 usually gets Peel's attention. So he said, literally, what are 80 00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:39.800 some ideas you have? And I said, hmmm, I think 81 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:42.719 I have a few ideas. And I dug into what 82 00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.759 I call like into my inner eyre. I was like, 83 00:03:45.800 --> 00:03:47.360 what are the things that really pissed me off? Because 84 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:50.280 those make for great topics to talk about. And I said, well, 85 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:52.599 i'll tell you what. Mike one of the most brilliant 86 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:54.879 people ever worked with, And I said, I'll tell you what, Mike. 87 00:03:54.919 --> 00:03:57.039 I get a little bit annoyed about a few things. 88 00:03:57.400 --> 00:03:59.479 One is at the time, I said, the idea of 89 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:02.080 fate makes me crazy because I feel like we don't 90 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:03.680 have any control over the lah. I said The other 91 00:04:03.719 --> 00:04:05.400 thing I really don't like is people say to follow 92 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:08.439 your passion. I go, what mealy mouthed advice? It doesn't 93 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:12.319 it's not bad advice, it's just not helpful. And he goes, 94 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:16.279 that's interesting. What do you Where does that go? Like? 95 00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:17.680 Tell me more about that. I go, I don't know 96 00:04:17.720 --> 00:04:19.920 when I tell you. I was like knitting the idea 97 00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:23.240 on the spot, and I was like, I said, I 98 00:04:23.279 --> 00:04:26.079 think it makes me mad because it's not helpful. It's 99 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:28.959 not how you live your life, you know. So I'm 100 00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:32.800 impromptu Ted talking, which I like to do, but I 101 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:35.360 hadn't done it yet. So then he goes, well, listen, 102 00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:38.560 why don't you go right up, like, what is the outline? 103 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:40.360 What's it like? Basically, come up with a talk. You 104 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:43.000 come up with some ideas for that, and like tell 105 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:44.839 me what that even looks like, and then let's meet 106 00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:47.680 back here. At the time, it was skype, let's meet 107 00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:50.240 back here tomorrow. And I was like okay. So I 108 00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:52.360 got off the call and I started writing that talk. 109 00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:54.560 I said, I'm acting like I just got an assignment. 110 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:56.879 I'm giving this Ted talk. So I wrote a bunch 111 00:04:56.879 --> 00:04:58.639 and I said, here's ideas. I came back the next 112 00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:01.279 day and I said, here's some ideas. Here's what I'm thinking. 113 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:03.800 I mean, you know you work under pressure, right, we 114 00:05:03.800 --> 00:05:07.079 all do? Uh? And so he said this is interesting. 115 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:09.240 I like this. I like this. Work on it again. 116 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:11.040 When I tell you, I got on a call with 117 00:05:11.160 --> 00:05:14.439 him every day for like four or five days, and 118 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.199 I was like, okay, so what are we talking about here? 119 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:19.040 Should I get a plane ticket? 120 00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:19.360 Like? 121 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:23.240 Do I am I doing this? Yeah? Are we seeing 122 00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:23.680 other people? 123 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:23.800 Like? 124 00:05:23.800 --> 00:05:27.160 What is the deal? And he was like, uh no, 125 00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:31.360 you're in. And he was king at first because who 126 00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:35.040 am I like? Nobody? And also, uh he looked at 127 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:37.120 my background. And this is one of the few times 128 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.040 when being a consultant who works for yourself can work 129 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:41.639 against you because they're afraid you're going to come on 130 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:43.839 and try to sell. Now I know better. I was 131 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:45.399 already a professional speaker. I'm not going to come on 132 00:05:45.399 --> 00:05:47.079 and sell out of TA you can't do that. So 133 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:48.680 I was like, no, no, no, I get it. Blah 134 00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:51.319 blah blah blah. That man helped me create that talk. 135 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:54.279 It is not you do not get the producer to 136 00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:56.240 help you create the talk anymore. When I tell you, 137 00:05:56.360 --> 00:05:58.600 I did draft and submitted a draft and he'd edit 138 00:05:58.639 --> 00:06:00.560 it and draft all the way up to the week 139 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:02.759 of the event. This was not far away from the event. 140 00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:07.560 It was maybe six weeks maybe iplored and I am 141 00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:10.480 now I didn't have the ending to that talk because 142 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:12.720 he's like, well, what's the answer, Like what is that? 143 00:06:12.759 --> 00:06:18.040 And I was like, uh, like if you'll have I 144 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:19.920 don't know what. I was like, let's figure it out. 145 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:22.120 And I'm telling you. It was like days before the event. 146 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.439 I said, I got it. I was like, this is 147 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:27.240 the idea and that last line of that Ted talk 148 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:29.519 is the line. And that's when I knew. I was like, 149 00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:32.120 I'm done, this is done. I know it. And I 150 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:34.839 and I didn't know you could use a monitor like 151 00:06:34.920 --> 00:06:36.800 I didn't. You can't. You can do slides, but I 152 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.120 wasn't doing slides. He goes, you're better off just memorizing it. 153 00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:41.600 So not only had I just written it, now I 154 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.120 have to memorize it. I memorize it word for word 155 00:06:44.199 --> 00:06:45.959 because I was like, I can't and I don't give 156 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:49.199 talks that way. I do not, but for this it's 157 00:06:49.240 --> 00:06:51.240 like you have to come in tight on your time. 158 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:54.120 You have to know every word. So when you watch 159 00:06:54.199 --> 00:06:56.959 that talk, know that it has been rehearsed. I don't 160 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:58.839 think I said another thing but that talk for the 161 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:02.480 days leading up, and then I was so nervous and 162 00:07:02.519 --> 00:07:04.480 I walked out there and I was like, this moment 163 00:07:04.519 --> 00:07:07.839 could change my life, or it maybe doesn't. And it did. 164 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:12.839 It completely changed my life as a speaker because and listen, 165 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:15.480 we can't control who watches our talks. There are so 166 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:17.800 many talks and so many things. But back then it 167 00:07:17.839 --> 00:07:21.600 was still a little less crowded, and that talk on 168 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:23.959 its own, people like, how'd you get like so many 169 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:28.040 millions of views? I was like, listen, good, good content 170 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:32.040 will find a home in people's attention. And I didn't. 171 00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:33.439 I can't be like, well, mine was the best. I 172 00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:36.240 don't know what it was, but it worked. It hit 173 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:39.360 a note, it really did. And I left that theater 174 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:41.399 and I was like, okay, that was fun. And then 175 00:07:41.439 --> 00:07:43.800 within like two months, I had like a million views, 176 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:47.040 which back then was a lot. And from there it 177 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:49.199 was just like holy cow. So then people would find 178 00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:52.800 the talk and I had all incoming. I never had 179 00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:55.240 to pitch a talk after that. For a while. People 180 00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:56.879 just find that talk and they would just hire me. 181 00:07:56.920 --> 00:07:59.199 So but anyway, you didn't ask about that. Sorry you 182 00:07:59.279 --> 00:08:00.680 didn't ask me about love your arc. 183 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:03.879 I love it, And I want to know how old 184 00:08:03.959 --> 00:08:07.680 were you when you when that first Ted talk. 185 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:10.240 Wasubb, well, I'm fifty two now, so I was forty two. 186 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:14.639 Forty two, okay, so midlife? Oh absolutely that week completely 187 00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:15.680 changing your life. 188 00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:19.240 Oh I don't think anything worth talking about happens until 189 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:22.920 after forty or anything. Let's say, well we really enjoying. 190 00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:26.839 Like at forty I was like, oh now I'm I'm 191 00:08:27.079 --> 00:08:30.120 I'm clicked in now, like we're on the bike and 192 00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:32.879 we're going like that was it. But before that's all 193 00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:34.519 I got about I have a great life. I'm not 194 00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:36.480 very lucky to have life I had, but I was 195 00:08:36.519 --> 00:08:40.120 still excitedly. And then after forty I was like, oh yeah, 196 00:08:40.120 --> 00:08:43.240 that's right, I actually do whatever the hell I want now. 197 00:08:43.720 --> 00:08:46.240 And I was like I forgot for a sec that 198 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:48.600 I'm a free person and I can do whatever. So 199 00:08:48.759 --> 00:08:52.440 that around that time, I had been taking improv classes, 200 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:54.200 which is where I met my best friends. So I'm 201 00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:56.240 still friends with just for fun, just get out of 202 00:08:56.279 --> 00:08:58.440 my house. Because I was working from home. I started 203 00:08:58.759 --> 00:09:01.120 playing in a touch football league, having never so much 204 00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:04.039 as touched a football in my life. So old over 205 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.519 forty started playing in a touch football league co ed. 206 00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:09.799 I am not. I never played on a team. I 207 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.279 was a dancer. I'm very afraid of being out there 208 00:09:12.279 --> 00:09:15.559 with men running around and it was dangerous. But I 209 00:09:15.600 --> 00:09:17.679 got to play football. I was like, I don't have 210 00:09:17.759 --> 00:09:19.440 to play football. They're like, listen, we need a girl 211 00:09:19.480 --> 00:09:20.960 on the team. You need to come. I was like, 212 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:22.679 I can run, I can catch. Just tell me where 213 00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:25.759 which way to run? So I played that and that 214 00:09:25.960 --> 00:09:28.399 same week of that Ted Talk was also my first 215 00:09:29.159 --> 00:09:31.440 stand up set I was doing. I had just taken 216 00:09:31.480 --> 00:09:34.039 my first stand up comedy show and my set was 217 00:09:34.039 --> 00:09:37.279 two days before that Ted Talk. That week, I was like, uh, 218 00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:41.000 this is a lot. At ten minutes you're tight five 219 00:09:41.159 --> 00:09:43.879 and your Ted Talk ten, I was like, this is 220 00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:45.799 a lot. That week was amazing. 221 00:09:47.720 --> 00:09:49.159 Yeah, life changing week. 222 00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:53.360 And I think that that's important to note here because 223 00:09:54.480 --> 00:09:59.799 while we only have midlife listeners, it is it is 224 00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:04.080 so such a testament to your life isn't over? Kind 225 00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:06.799 of at midlife we talked about all of these hard 226 00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:09.879 things hormones, menopause. 227 00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:12.480 Onions, you know, yeah, like all of this stuff. 228 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:15.919 And then it come some of your best your best 229 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:19.000 life now for me, it has in the last few years, 230 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:19.600 no question. 231 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:22.919 Oh my god, I'm oh. And after fifty I would 232 00:10:22.919 --> 00:10:25.759 say even better. I think, why do these were still hard? 233 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:28.480 Why don't you tell us about that you had a 234 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:30.320 major life change at fifty? 235 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:34.200 In your fifties, I did talk to us about that. Yeah, 236 00:10:34.200 --> 00:10:37.360 I've been single. I listen, I gotta set the table here. 237 00:10:37.480 --> 00:10:41.120 I had no interest personally in getting married. It just 238 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:43.799 wasn't a goal for me. I didn't necessarily want kids. 239 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:45.360 I have two younger sisters, they have kids. 240 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:48.159 I like, even in your twenties, you didn't want to 241 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:49.039 get married. 242 00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:51.840 Or I remember I was sitting at like a dinner 243 00:10:51.879 --> 00:10:53.799 with my whole family and my two younger sisters and 244 00:10:53.840 --> 00:10:56.600 my parents who are divorced, but we were whatever. We 245 00:10:56.600 --> 00:10:59.080 were in the room together, and I said, hey, I 246 00:10:59.159 --> 00:11:01.720 feel like I have to tell you Skuy's something. And 247 00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:04.759 I think I might have been thirty something, and I said, 248 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:08.000 I am not gonna live the life you all led. 249 00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:12.120 I know I'm not. I I'm not gonna get married. 250 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:13.879 I mean, you obviously see I don't have any interest 251 00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:17.919 in it. I don't want kids. So I'm just saying, like, 252 00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:20.960 that's what I'm doing. And my sisters were like okay, 253 00:11:21.759 --> 00:11:24.440 and my dad was asleep. We're like, Dad, wake up, 254 00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:25.840 do you mind if I do whatever I want? He goes, 255 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:27.519 do whatever makes you happy and he went back to sleep. 256 00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:31.840 And then my mom said, honey, don't have kids for me. 257 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:36.080 She was like, you, you have to live your life. 258 00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:38.240 She's like, don't do any of that stuff for me, 259 00:11:38.960 --> 00:11:42.679 and she said, I think yours is the life I 260 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:46.879 want next. And I thought that was such a tribute. 261 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:48.720 I never I was very lucky to have a family 262 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:52.600 that was so supportive. I still dated, I was still 263 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:54.399 doing like I didn't move to New York City until 264 00:11:54.440 --> 00:11:57.120 I was thirty six years old. I was like, I've 265 00:11:57.159 --> 00:11:58.759 never like I've been here, but I never lived here. 266 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:00.960 I always wanted to live here, so I didn't move 267 00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:02.720 here as a kid, and like party, I was like 268 00:12:02.759 --> 00:12:05.279 an adult going to bed at a reasonable time. And 269 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:07.080 then I was like, well, I'm dating, but what am 270 00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:09.960 I dating for? Like you guys are such assholes, like god, 271 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:12.679 the douchary that happens here with dating. But I did. 272 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:15.039 I found a few nice guys and I dated one, 273 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:17.159 but every couple of years and it wasn't it. I 274 00:12:17.240 --> 00:12:19.159 was like, what am I even doing? People are like, well, 275 00:12:19.159 --> 00:12:21.799 why are you dating? And I was like, I don't know, actually, 276 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.960 and it was fun. And I was like, but I'm 277 00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:26.200 all I can do whatever I'm I can have sex 278 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:27.879 with herver I want, blah blah blah. And I did 279 00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:29.799 have fun. I would like give people my phone number. 280 00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:32.320 I was like picking up young men. I was forty. 281 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:34.440 I was like close to forty, or I was like 282 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:38.320 going out with like twenty nine year olds and sometimes younger. 283 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:40.720 I mean like I was just having a great time. 284 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:44.440 And then I had a boyfriend who I had the 285 00:12:44.519 --> 00:12:49.200 longest relationship with that I'd ever been with. Okay, four years. 286 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:52.360 Four that's it. That's how long. And let me tell 287 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:54.720 you this because I feel like, I know, we have 288 00:12:54.720 --> 00:12:56.679 a lot of midlife women. Some of them are not 289 00:12:56.720 --> 00:12:58.519 married right, some of them are wondering when's I supposed 290 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:01.919 to do something. I knew by the time I was, 291 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:04.799 you know, forty something. I was like, I kind of 292 00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:07.759 like living by myself. I really like having my own space. 293 00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:11.039 I enjoy company occasionally. And I started dating this New 294 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:13.759 York City police officer who I met online. I met. 295 00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:15.200 There's not a person I met who I didn't meet 296 00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:17.840 online pretty much. Oh one apple genius guy. But this 297 00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:20.720 different story. So this New York City police officer and 298 00:13:20.759 --> 00:13:24.720 I dated right before the pandemic and then through the pandemic. 299 00:13:25.240 --> 00:13:27.759 And he didn't live with me. He has kids, he's divorced, 300 00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:30.000 he's living you know, Long Island. And he was a 301 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:32.519 total sweetheart, like really really great guy. Someone would be 302 00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:35.720 very happy to have him. And I was like, Okay, cool, 303 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:38.480 let's do this, you know, for now whatever, I didn't know. 304 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:43.840 And at the end, like for the first year, I 305 00:13:43.879 --> 00:13:45.879 realized I had to have a talk with him. And 306 00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:50.799 this was a big talk, and I said to him. 307 00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:52.919 He would joke about like well, I need to move 308 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:56.200 in together, and I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 309 00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:58.320 I need to nip this in the bud. And I said, 310 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:01.080 I'm not gonna say his name, but I said, listen, officer, 311 00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:09.720 I know that probably you have in mind a life 312 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:13.000 where you marry the right person for you, because the 313 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:15.279 first person you're with you have these beautiful kids. That 314 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:17.480 woman was not for you. You probably want to have that, 315 00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:19.759 and you probably want to live with someone. I said, 316 00:14:19.879 --> 00:14:23.720 and that's not going to be me. You live in 317 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.120 the suburbs and you work in the city, and you 318 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:28.600 probably want someone who's there, maybe making dinner or at 319 00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:30.799 least sitting on the couch with you every night, and 320 00:14:30.840 --> 00:14:33.000 that's not going to be me. And then, but I 321 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:35.480 also was a little defensive because I was a terrified 322 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:37.399 always that someone's going to take my life away from me. 323 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:40.159 And I said, I'm never going to live with you, 324 00:14:41.480 --> 00:14:43.320 and he's like, but you could, that might change. 325 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:43.519 I go. 326 00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:46.360 Even if it does, that's not a promise I make now. 327 00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:51.120 So if we're going to date, you have to know 328 00:14:51.159 --> 00:14:54.200 that this is it. We see each other a few 329 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:57.240 times a week, you go home, I have my own life. 330 00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:01.679 We're together. I'm not at wasn't dating anyone else. But 331 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:04.799 I need you to understand this. I need you to 332 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:08.200 hear me now, because if it comes up, if you 333 00:15:08.440 --> 00:15:11.159 wish I would, and you resent it in the resentment 334 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:14.399 will build. I said, if you find yourself kind of 335 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:17.039 and wanting to bring up or joking about it, and 336 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:19.519 if you were to ever joke about it in front 337 00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:24.759 of someone, we're done because I said, this can't be Oh, 338 00:15:24.759 --> 00:15:26.919 you know, Terry, He's like, you weird rules. I go, No, 339 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:29.600 I know weird rules. I have life. I have a 340 00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:34.480 life life. Yeah. I also turns out I was fucking 341 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:38.480 gay as and I'll say that in case you want 342 00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:40.000 to edit it out, I'll say it a different way. 343 00:15:40.840 --> 00:15:46.159 I was gay gay gay gay. Did not realize it totally, 344 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:49.440 but finally after the pandemic, and realized I was just 345 00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:51.480 tread and water in this thing. I didn't care if 346 00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:53.279 I had sex ever again. And I said to myself, 347 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:56.360 this guy is so nice. He's a wonderful to hold, 348 00:15:56.399 --> 00:15:59.440 he smells good, he's good to me, he's a wonderful boyfriend. 349 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:02.320 And if he's to me, hey, guess what, I have 350 00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:04.639 a medical condition. I can never have sex again. I'd 351 00:16:04.679 --> 00:16:07.600 be like, Okay, what do you want for dinner? And 352 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:12.159 I realized I didn't care, but obviously he cared, and 353 00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:14.080 so I was doing like I was doing, the like 354 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:17.159 just roll over and get done, and then you've bought 355 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:18.159 forty eight hours. 356 00:16:18.440 --> 00:16:18.720 Yes. 357 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:21.159 And I know a lot of women who are straight, 358 00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:24.120 by the way, who don't feel like having sex with husbands. 359 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.360 But I felt that now, when I'm in a relationship 360 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:29.320 for only four years, it feels lifelong because it's been 361 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:33.120 so long for me, and also what what are we 362 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:36.559 what are we doing right now? So that was not 363 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:39.120 great because I was like, and I kept saying, you 364 00:16:39.159 --> 00:16:41.799 should date a lovely woman who lives near you. He's like, 365 00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:43.320 why are always telling me to date the people. I 366 00:16:43.320 --> 00:16:45.279 was like, I'm telling you you'd be a lot happier, 367 00:16:45.320 --> 00:16:48.679 and I hope he is a lot happier. But when 368 00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:51.360 I ended it in, it was a not great time, 369 00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:53.720 like now we're fighting. Now we're back to the world 370 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:56.679 post COVID, and it was not nice. And I was realizing, like, 371 00:16:56.720 --> 00:16:59.759 we're the worst, Matt, like this is not it, and 372 00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:02.320 I yelled at him again. I had a real come 373 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:05.559 to Jesus and I was like, you're miserable, you hate 374 00:17:05.559 --> 00:17:09.000 your life, Your kids are sweet but difficult, your ex 375 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:11.839 wife is a nightmare. I'm your girlfriend. I'm supposed the 376 00:17:11.880 --> 00:17:13.319 best part of your life, and I won't live with you. 377 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:17.200 Said you're unhappy and I can't make you happy, and 378 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.680 you're making me unhappy, so I don't think I can 379 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:24.640 do this. And then I one day called him and 380 00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:26.160 said I think we're breaking up now. He goes, but 381 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:28.079 but but I go, no, we're done by Like I 382 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:31.240 did not let him talk, and it's something I do regret. 383 00:17:31.920 --> 00:17:33.319 But I knew he was going to try to make 384 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:35.839 a case for himself. And I was like, I am 385 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:37.759 so done, and something in me says done done, done, 386 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:39.880 done done, and I cried. I was like, this is it, 387 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:42.279 this is it. I cried more before the breakup than 388 00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:47.599 I ever did after the morning before. Yeah, I pre grieved. 389 00:17:47.720 --> 00:17:51.400 For people who watch succession, I pre grieved. So then 390 00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:55.160 here's the part that you're getting to. I started dating again, 391 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:58.200 like a month later. I bounced back quick. I'm like, whatever, 392 00:17:58.200 --> 00:17:59.640 what are we doing here? And I went on a 393 00:17:59.720 --> 00:18:02.000 date with A and I was like, eh, I'm like 394 00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:04.240 I can't do this anymore. Like he was just gross 395 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.160 to me, and he was a perfectly nice guy. I'm like, 396 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:08.599 these are nice guys. Yeah. And so I was like, 397 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:11.680 you know, I had had crushes on women. I'd had 398 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:15.599 some dalliances, nothing serious, but nothing serious. Really, I just 399 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:18.319 had had crushes on lesbians. When I say lesbians, I 400 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:23.480 mean I thought I was so straight. I liked women 401 00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:25.920