Speaker 1: Listen. I'm afraid when people are mad at me too,
Speaker 1: But at some point I go, I'm sorry, you're not
Speaker 1: going to live my life. I have to. If you
Speaker 1: don't keep boundaries, who's going to trust you? You don't
Speaker 1: have any boundaries. I get real nervous from people of boundaries.
Speaker 1: They're Lucy Goosey, make me nervous. You don't have to
Speaker 1: be angry and belligerent, but you can kind of speak
Speaker 1: up and decide what you want. And if you don't
Speaker 1: feel like having sex but you don't want to break
Speaker 1: up with your partner, then you say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling it. The rules we were raised with,
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you, is a lie and it's
Speaker 1: not something you have to live by anymore. And you
Speaker 1: don't get points for clinging to things you did right before.
Speaker 1: No one's giving out trophies for who is the good girl.
Speaker 2: Hi everyone, my name is Haley and this is Lara,
Speaker 2: and welcome.
Speaker 1: To the body Pod.
Speaker 3: All right, today we are so excited to welcome Terry Trespacio.
Speaker 3: I got it right. I'm really happy to the body
Speaker 3: Pod today. And this is going to be quite a
Speaker 3: different podcast than I think that we normally have with
Speaker 3: our guests, Terry, we are so looking forward to diving
Speaker 3: in here, and I kind of want to start with
Speaker 3: the good stuff right away. I want to go right
Speaker 3: into your Ted talks.
Speaker 1: Okay, yes, so.
Speaker 3: Let's kind of just cover the unfollow your passion and
Speaker 3: kind of start with that first one. But I love
Speaker 3: the second topic, which we'll get to as well. Yeah,
Speaker 3: from the second Ted talk, But could you just give
Speaker 3: us a rundown of that Ted talk and what inspired
Speaker 3: you to?
Speaker 1: Oh, so that Ted X talk is now looking to
Speaker 1: me a little long in the tooth. I mean it's
Speaker 1: now ten years old, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's not exactly top of mind for me,
Speaker 1: but that talk changed my life. So it could be
Speaker 1: easy for someone to see that talk and go, oh,
Speaker 1: this woman talks about this. So then she went and
Speaker 1: did a Ted talk about that. But that's not how
Speaker 1: I got that Ted talk. I got that Ted talk,
Speaker 1: and by Ted I mean tedex But you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I got how I've gotten some of my
Speaker 1: best opportunities. Someone dropped out and very close to like
Speaker 1: six weeks ahead of the event, I had been I
Speaker 1: think I manifested that because I was like, I so
Speaker 1: want to have a touch talk. And then I read
Speaker 1: a book that I won't name that I thought was
Speaker 1: lousy that talked me basically out of it. Was like,
Speaker 1: oh is this too hard? I'm not smart enough? Do
Speaker 1: I have to work at NASA? Like it made me
Speaker 1: feel like this is not something for a regular person
Speaker 1: to do wrong. But again, this was years ago. And
Speaker 1: then someone on Facebook, not even a friend, when I
Speaker 1: tell you the loosest connection, said oh, you seem to
Speaker 1: do a lot of speaking, like we had someone just
Speaker 1: drop out. Our company sponsors this ted X here and
Speaker 1: you know someone dropped out, So would you be willing
Speaker 1: to meet the producer. We're trying to gather up people
Speaker 1: who could pop in for this person. And I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, Yes, I got on a call with
Speaker 1: the producer that day. That is not how that works. Now,
Speaker 1: it's a cottage industry. Like you hire a coach, you
Speaker 1: do this. I mean I've been hired by people to
Speaker 1: help them with their talks. I mean that's a whole industry.
Speaker 1: You apply, you got. I didn't do it for that.
Speaker 1: I basically they were in a scramble and I got
Speaker 1: on the call with the guy and he said, so,
Speaker 1: do you have a ted talk in you? I did
Speaker 1: not have a talk ready. I was like, maybe someday
Speaker 1: I'll do that. I had no idea, but I had
Speaker 1: been doing a lot of at the time my post
Speaker 1: magazine editor life. I was a media coach, and so
Speaker 1: I was helping people put into words what they do.
Speaker 1: That was what I did for many years. And so
Speaker 1: I had been in my mind trafficking and in trafficking
Speaker 1: in opinions and knowing that the contrary opinion usually lands,
Speaker 1: usually gets Peel's attention. So he said, literally, what are
Speaker 1: some ideas you have? And I said, hmmm, I think
Speaker 1: I have a few ideas. And I dug into what
Speaker 1: I call like into my inner eyre. I was like,
Speaker 1: what are the things that really pissed me off? Because
Speaker 1: those make for great topics to talk about. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: i'll tell you what. Mike one of the most brilliant
Speaker 1: people ever worked with, And I said, I'll tell you what, Mike.
Speaker 1: I get a little bit annoyed about a few things.
Speaker 1: One is at the time, I said, the idea of
Speaker 1: fate makes me crazy because I feel like we don't
Speaker 1: have any control over the lah. I said The other
Speaker 1: thing I really don't like is people say to follow
Speaker 1: your passion. I go, what mealy mouthed advice? It doesn't
Speaker 1: it's not bad advice, it's just not helpful. And he goes,
Speaker 1: that's interesting. What do you Where does that go? Like?
Speaker 1: Tell me more about that. I go, I don't know
Speaker 1: when I tell you. I was like knitting the idea
Speaker 1: on the spot, and I was like, I said, I
Speaker 1: think it makes me mad because it's not helpful. It's
Speaker 1: not how you live your life, you know. So I'm
Speaker 1: impromptu Ted talking, which I like to do, but I
Speaker 1: hadn't done it yet. So then he goes, well, listen,
Speaker 1: why don't you go right up, like, what is the outline?
Speaker 1: What's it like? Basically, come up with a talk. You
Speaker 1: come up with some ideas for that, and like tell
Speaker 1: me what that even looks like, and then let's meet
Speaker 1: back here. At the time, it was skype, let's meet
Speaker 1: back here tomorrow. And I was like okay. So I
Speaker 1: got off the call and I started writing that talk.
Speaker 1: I said, I'm acting like I just got an assignment.
Speaker 1: I'm giving this Ted talk. So I wrote a bunch
Speaker 1: and I said, here's ideas. I came back the next
Speaker 1: day and I said, here's some ideas. Here's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know you work under pressure, right, we
Speaker 1: all do? Uh? And so he said this is interesting.
Speaker 1: I like this. I like this. Work on it again.
Speaker 1: When I tell you, I got on a call with
Speaker 1: him every day for like four or five days, and
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, so what are we talking about here?
Speaker 1: Should I get a plane ticket?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: Do I am I doing this? Yeah? Are we seeing
Speaker 1: other people?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: What is the deal? And he was like, uh no,
Speaker 1: you're in. And he was king at first because who
Speaker 1: am I like? Nobody? And also, uh he looked at
Speaker 1: my background. And this is one of the few times
Speaker 1: when being a consultant who works for yourself can work
Speaker 1: against you because they're afraid you're going to come on
Speaker 1: and try to sell. Now I know better. I was
Speaker 1: already a professional speaker. I'm not going to come on
Speaker 1: and sell out of TA you can't do that. So
Speaker 1: I was like, no, no, no, I get it. Blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. That man helped me create that talk.
Speaker 1: It is not you do not get the producer to
Speaker 1: help you create the talk anymore. When I tell you,
Speaker 1: I did draft and submitted a draft and he'd edit
Speaker 1: it and draft all the way up to the week
Speaker 1: of the event. This was not far away from the event.
Speaker 1: It was maybe six weeks maybe iplored and I am
Speaker 1: now I didn't have the ending to that talk because
Speaker 1: he's like, well, what's the answer, Like what is that?
Speaker 1: And I was like, uh, like if you'll have I
Speaker 1: don't know what. I was like, let's figure it out.
Speaker 1: And I'm telling you. It was like days before the event.
Speaker 1: I said, I got it. I was like, this is
Speaker 1: the idea and that last line of that Ted talk
Speaker 1: is the line. And that's when I knew. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm done, this is done. I know it. And I
Speaker 1: and I didn't know you could use a monitor like
Speaker 1: I didn't. You can't. You can do slides, but I
Speaker 1: wasn't doing slides. He goes, you're better off just memorizing it.
Speaker 1: So not only had I just written it, now I
Speaker 1: have to memorize it. I memorize it word for word
Speaker 1: because I was like, I can't and I don't give
Speaker 1: talks that way. I do not, but for this it's
Speaker 1: like you have to come in tight on your time.
Speaker 1: You have to know every word. So when you watch
Speaker 1: that talk, know that it has been rehearsed. I don't
Speaker 1: think I said another thing but that talk for the
Speaker 1: days leading up, and then I was so nervous and
Speaker 1: I walked out there and I was like, this moment
Speaker 1: could change my life, or it maybe doesn't. And it did.
Speaker 1: It completely changed my life as a speaker because and listen,
Speaker 1: we can't control who watches our talks. There are so
Speaker 1: many talks and so many things. But back then it
Speaker 1: was still a little less crowded, and that talk on
Speaker 1: its own, people like, how'd you get like so many
Speaker 1: millions of views? I was like, listen, good, good content
Speaker 1: will find a home in people's attention. And I didn't.
Speaker 1: I can't be like, well, mine was the best. I
Speaker 1: don't know what it was, but it worked. It hit
Speaker 1: a note, it really did. And I left that theater
Speaker 1: and I was like, okay, that was fun. And then
Speaker 1: within like two months, I had like a million views,
Speaker 1: which back then was a lot. And from there it
Speaker 1: was just like holy cow. So then people would find
Speaker 1: the talk and I had all incoming. I never had
Speaker 1: to pitch a talk after that. For a while. People
Speaker 1: just find that talk and they would just hire me.
Speaker 1: So but anyway, you didn't ask about that. Sorry you
Speaker 1: didn't ask me about love your arc.
Speaker 3: I love it, And I want to know how old
Speaker 3: were you when you when that first Ted talk.
Speaker 1: Wasubb, well, I'm fifty two now, so I was forty two.
Speaker 3: Forty two, okay, so midlife? Oh absolutely that week completely
Speaker 3: changing your life.
Speaker 1: Oh I don't think anything worth talking about happens until
Speaker 1: after forty or anything. Let's say, well we really enjoying.
Speaker 1: Like at forty I was like, oh now I'm I'm
Speaker 1: I'm clicked in now, like we're on the bike and
Speaker 1: we're going like that was it. But before that's all
Speaker 1: I got about I have a great life. I'm not
Speaker 1: very lucky to have life I had, but I was
Speaker 1: still excitedly. And then after forty I was like, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right, I actually do whatever the hell I want now.
Speaker 1: And I was like I forgot for a sec that
Speaker 1: I'm a free person and I can do whatever. So
Speaker 1: that around that time, I had been taking improv classes,
Speaker 1: which is where I met my best friends. So I'm
Speaker 1: still friends with just for fun, just get out of
Speaker 1: my house. Because I was working from home. I started
Speaker 1: playing in a touch football league, having never so much
Speaker 1: as touched a football in my life. So old over
Speaker 1: forty started playing in a touch football league co ed.
Speaker 1: I am not. I never played on a team. I
Speaker 1: was a dancer. I'm very afraid of being out there
Speaker 1: with men running around and it was dangerous. But I
Speaker 1: got to play football. I was like, I don't have
Speaker 1: to play football. They're like, listen, we need a girl
Speaker 1: on the team. You need to come. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can run, I can catch. Just tell me where
Speaker 1: which way to run? So I played that and that
Speaker 1: same week of that Ted Talk was also my first
Speaker 1: stand up set I was doing. I had just taken
Speaker 1: my first stand up comedy show and my set was
Speaker 1: two days before that Ted Talk. That week, I was like, uh,
Speaker 1: this is a lot. At ten minutes you're tight five
Speaker 1: and your Ted Talk ten, I was like, this is
Speaker 1: a lot. That week was amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, life changing week.
Speaker 3: And I think that that's important to note here because
Speaker 3: while we only have midlife listeners, it is it is
Speaker 3: so such a testament to your life isn't over? Kind
Speaker 3: of at midlife we talked about all of these hard
Speaker 3: things hormones, menopause.
Speaker 1: Onions, you know, yeah, like all of this stuff.
Speaker 3: And then it come some of your best your best
Speaker 3: life now for me, it has in the last few years,
Speaker 3: no question.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm oh. And after fifty I would
Speaker 1: say even better. I think, why do these were still hard?
Speaker 4: Why don't you tell us about that you had a
Speaker 4: major life change at fifty?
Speaker 1: In your fifties, I did talk to us about that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've been single. I listen, I gotta set the table here.
Speaker 1: I had no interest personally in getting married. It just
Speaker 1: wasn't a goal for me. I didn't necessarily want kids.
Speaker 1: I have two younger sisters, they have kids.
Speaker 4: I like, even in your twenties, you didn't want to
Speaker 4: get married.
Speaker 1: Or I remember I was sitting at like a dinner
Speaker 1: with my whole family and my two younger sisters and
Speaker 1: my parents who are divorced, but we were whatever. We
Speaker 1: were in the room together, and I said, hey, I
Speaker 1: feel like I have to tell you Skuy's something. And
Speaker 1: I think I might have been thirty something, and I said,
Speaker 1: I am not gonna live the life you all led.
Speaker 1: I know I'm not. I I'm not gonna get married.
Speaker 1: I mean, you obviously see I don't have any interest
Speaker 1: in it. I don't want kids. So I'm just saying, like,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm doing. And my sisters were like okay,
Speaker 1: and my dad was asleep. We're like, Dad, wake up,
Speaker 1: do you mind if I do whatever I want? He goes,
Speaker 1: do whatever makes you happy and he went back to sleep.
Speaker 1: And then my mom said, honey, don't have kids for me.
Speaker 1: She was like, you, you have to live your life.
Speaker 1: She's like, don't do any of that stuff for me,
Speaker 1: and she said, I think yours is the life I
Speaker 1: want next. And I thought that was such a tribute.
Speaker 1: I never I was very lucky to have a family
Speaker 1: that was so supportive. I still dated, I was still
Speaker 1: doing like I didn't move to New York City until
Speaker 1: I was thirty six years old. I was like, I've
Speaker 1: never like I've been here, but I never lived here.
Speaker 1: I always wanted to live here, so I didn't move
Speaker 1: here as a kid, and like party, I was like
Speaker 1: an adult going to bed at a reasonable time. And
Speaker 1: then I was like, well, I'm dating, but what am
Speaker 1: I dating for? Like you guys are such assholes, like god,
Speaker 1: the douchary that happens here with dating. But I did.
Speaker 1: I found a few nice guys and I dated one,
Speaker 1: but every couple of years and it wasn't it. I
Speaker 1: was like, what am I even doing? People are like, well,
Speaker 1: why are you dating? And I was like, I don't know, actually,
Speaker 1: and it was fun. And I was like, but I'm
Speaker 1: all I can do whatever I'm I can have sex
Speaker 1: with herver I want, blah blah blah. And I did
Speaker 1: have fun. I would like give people my phone number.
Speaker 1: I was like picking up young men. I was forty.
Speaker 1: I was like close to forty, or I was like
Speaker 1: going out with like twenty nine year olds and sometimes younger.
Speaker 1: I mean like I was just having a great time.
Speaker 1: And then I had a boyfriend who I had the
Speaker 1: longest relationship with that I'd ever been with. Okay, four years.
Speaker 1: Four that's it. That's how long. And let me tell
Speaker 1: you this because I feel like, I know, we have
Speaker 1: a lot of midlife women. Some of them are not
Speaker 1: married right, some of them are wondering when's I supposed
Speaker 1: to do something. I knew by the time I was,
Speaker 1: you know, forty something. I was like, I kind of
Speaker 1: like living by myself. I really like having my own space.
Speaker 1: I enjoy company occasionally. And I started dating this New
Speaker 1: York City police officer who I met online. I met.
Speaker 1: There's not a person I met who I didn't meet
Speaker 1: online pretty much. Oh one apple genius guy. But this
Speaker 1: different story. So this New York City police officer and
Speaker 1: I dated right before the pandemic and then through the pandemic.
Speaker 1: And he didn't live with me. He has kids, he's divorced,
Speaker 1: he's living you know, Long Island. And he was a
Speaker 1: total sweetheart, like really really great guy. Someone would be
Speaker 1: very happy to have him. And I was like, Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: let's do this, you know, for now whatever, I didn't know.
Speaker 1: And at the end, like for the first year, I
Speaker 1: realized I had to have a talk with him. And
Speaker 1: this was a big talk, and I said to him.
Speaker 1: He would joke about like well, I need to move
Speaker 1: in together, and I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I need to nip this in the bud. And I said,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say his name, but I said, listen, officer,
Speaker 1: I know that probably you have in mind a life
Speaker 1: where you marry the right person for you, because the
Speaker 1: first person you're with you have these beautiful kids. That
Speaker 1: woman was not for you. You probably want to have that,
Speaker 1: and you probably want to live with someone. I said,
Speaker 1: and that's not going to be me. You live in
Speaker 1: the suburbs and you work in the city, and you
Speaker 1: probably want someone who's there, maybe making dinner or at
Speaker 1: least sitting on the couch with you every night, and
Speaker 1: that's not going to be me. And then, but I
Speaker 1: also was a little defensive because I was a terrified
Speaker 1: always that someone's going to take my life away from me.
Speaker 1: And I said, I'm never going to live with you,
Speaker 1: and he's like, but you could, that might change.
Speaker 4: I go.
Speaker 1: Even if it does, that's not a promise I make now.
Speaker 1: So if we're going to date, you have to know
Speaker 1: that this is it. We see each other a few
Speaker 1: times a week, you go home, I have my own life.
Speaker 1: We're together. I'm not at wasn't dating anyone else. But
Speaker 1: I need you to understand this. I need you to
Speaker 1: hear me now, because if it comes up, if you
Speaker 1: wish I would, and you resent it in the resentment
Speaker 1: will build. I said, if you find yourself kind of
Speaker 1: and wanting to bring up or joking about it, and
Speaker 1: if you were to ever joke about it in front
Speaker 1: of someone, we're done because I said, this can't be Oh,
Speaker 1: you know, Terry, He's like, you weird rules. I go, No,
Speaker 1: I know weird rules. I have life. I have a
Speaker 1: life life. Yeah. I also turns out I was fucking
Speaker 1: gay as and I'll say that in case you want
Speaker 1: to edit it out, I'll say it a different way.
Speaker 1: I was gay gay gay gay. Did not realize it totally,
Speaker 1: but finally after the pandemic, and realized I was just
Speaker 1: tread and water in this thing. I didn't care if
Speaker 1: I had sex ever again. And I said to myself,
Speaker 1: this guy is so nice. He's a wonderful to hold,
Speaker 1: he smells good, he's good to me, he's a wonderful boyfriend.
Speaker 1: And if he's to me, hey, guess what, I have
Speaker 1: a medical condition. I can never have sex again. I'd
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, what do you want for dinner? And
Speaker 1: I realized I didn't care, but obviously he cared, and
Speaker 1: so I was doing like I was doing, the like
Speaker 1: just roll over and get done, and then you've bought
Speaker 1: forty eight hours.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: And I know a lot of women who are straight,
Speaker 1: by the way, who don't feel like having sex with husbands.
Speaker 1: But I felt that now, when I'm in a relationship
Speaker 1: for only four years, it feels lifelong because it's been
Speaker 1: so long for me, and also what what are we
Speaker 1: what are we doing right now? So that was not
Speaker 1: great because I was like, and I kept saying, you
Speaker 1: should date a lovely woman who lives near you. He's like,
Speaker 1: why are always telling me to date the people. I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm telling you you'd be a lot happier,
Speaker 1: and I hope he is a lot happier. But when
Speaker 1: I ended it in, it was a not great time,
Speaker 1: like now we're fighting. Now we're back to the world
Speaker 1: post COVID, and it was not nice. And I was realizing, like,
Speaker 1: we're the worst, Matt, like this is not it, and
Speaker 1: I yelled at him again. I had a real come
Speaker 1: to Jesus and I was like, you're miserable, you hate
Speaker 1: your life, Your kids are sweet but difficult, your ex
Speaker 1: wife is a nightmare. I'm your girlfriend. I'm supposed the
Speaker 1: best part of your life, and I won't live with you.
Speaker 1: Said you're unhappy and I can't make you happy, and
Speaker 1: you're making me unhappy, so I don't think I can
Speaker 1: do this. And then I one day called him and
Speaker 1: said I think we're breaking up now. He goes, but
Speaker 1: but but I go, no, we're done by Like I
Speaker 1: did not let him talk, and it's something I do regret.
Speaker 1: But I knew he was going to try to make
Speaker 1: a case for himself. And I was like, I am
Speaker 1: so done, and something in me says done done, done,
Speaker 1: done done, and I cried. I was like, this is it,
Speaker 1: this is it. I cried more before the breakup than
Speaker 1: I ever did after the morning before. Yeah, I pre grieved.
Speaker 1: For people who watch succession, I pre grieved. So then
Speaker 1: here's the part that you're getting to. I started dating again,
Speaker 1: like a month later. I bounced back quick. I'm like, whatever,
Speaker 1: what are we doing here? And I went on a
Speaker 1: date with A and I was like, eh, I'm like
Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore. Like he was just gross
Speaker 1: to me, and he was a perfectly nice guy. I'm like,
Speaker 1: these are nice guys. Yeah. And so I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, I had had crushes on women. I'd had
Speaker 1: some dalliances, nothing serious, but nothing serious. Really, I just
Speaker 1: had had crushes on lesbians. When I say lesbians, I
Speaker 1: mean I thought I was so straight. I liked women
Speaker 1: who looked like men. I was like, that must mean
Speaker 1: I'm really straight, because that's why I was.
Speaker 2: You never thought like in the past that you were gay.
Speaker 1: I thought I had crushes on people and I didn't
Speaker 1: understand it, and I said, oh, And I said to
Speaker 1: my family, I was always like coming out to them
Speaker 1: like I've never having kids, and I have a crush
Speaker 1: on this folks singer and they were like, it's a phase.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know, you, guys, I have
Speaker 1: very strong feelings for this folks singer. And I would
Speaker 1: go to all of her shows and like I was
Speaker 1: kind of like into it and I would have heartache
Speaker 1: over it and I'm like, what's going on? But I
Speaker 1: never it was listen, this is a while ago. I
Speaker 1: was never gonna be like, you know what, I think
Speaker 1: I'm getting a live a gay lifestyle. You know why
Speaker 1: because I said to myself, no real lesbian, no self
Speaker 1: respecting lesbian would want to date me. That turns out
Speaker 1: not to be true. But why Yeah, because you think
Speaker 1: I'm not real. I'm not a real.
Speaker 3: Because you didn't come out until you were fifty. When
Speaker 3: do most women come out?
Speaker 1: I mean twenties is when they back in the day,
Speaker 1: twenties because they don't now it's different. But yeah, yeah, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I was like, no, I always loved lesbians I'd be like,
Speaker 1: she's so cool. I don't know why. I just want
Speaker 1: to hang with her all the time. And I was
Speaker 1: obsessed with them. And I was like, but they wouldn't
Speaker 1: like me, can They'd be like, well, you're straight. I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, totally, I'm straight. I wasn't afraid of
Speaker 1: being gay. I felt I didn't qualify. I had as
Speaker 1: I've had my whole life imposter syndrome, but now is
Speaker 1: in the bedroom. I was like, O interesting. I was like,
Speaker 1: no one would like me, I'm not gay enough. They
Speaker 1: would they would not invite me into their club. Well,
Speaker 1: it turns out the queer community is the most welcoming,
Speaker 1: the most wonderful, imagine, but some women have been bitches
Speaker 1: about it. I gotta tell you when it comes out
Speaker 1: that I came out later. Well, first of all, after
Speaker 1: that horrible date with a guy, I went on a
Speaker 1: date with a woman. And I had been swiping on women.
Speaker 1: I go, we're switching. I took my whole online dating
Speaker 1: profile and was like, we're moving the lever to like
Speaker 1: women only. And I started looking through and I go, yikes,
Speaker 1: this is bad too, maybe it all sucks. But then
Speaker 1: I saw one person and I was like, and I
Speaker 1: said to her, if I were you, I'd run the
Speaker 1: other way because I just broke up with my boyfriend
Speaker 1: and like, I'm probably straight from me. And she was like, no,
Speaker 1: I'd love to meet you. And so I dated her
Speaker 1: and once I I won't get graphic, once I got
Speaker 1: into bed with a woman in a dating way, in
Speaker 1: a real way, I will tell you that when I
Speaker 1: tell you, the world moved and I felt that I
Speaker 1: had just surfaced after having been underwater a long time.
Speaker 3: Okay, let me tell you what's coming up for me.
Speaker 3: And I'm thinking of all of the women listening to
Speaker 3: this podcast, and for sure some are going to resonate
Speaker 3: with this exact story, But there's a bigger theme here
Speaker 3: of this, women that are in relationships that they probably
Speaker 3: shouldn't be in for whatever reason, religious beliefs that at
Speaker 3: some point they're like, what am I doing? This might
Speaker 3: not be to me right. There's so many things that
Speaker 3: I think that we don't allow ourselves because well, this
Speaker 3: isn't who I am, because this is how I've always
Speaker 3: been number one? Or how many people am I going
Speaker 3: to let down and disappoint if I choose something else?
Speaker 3: Did you feel that way, But I feel like telling
Speaker 3: your story, you had significantly bigger boundaries than I ever had,
Speaker 3: or that of a lot of women that I know.
Speaker 3: Did you always have great boundaries because it seems like
Speaker 3: we were like, no, please, I never.
Speaker 1: Like you did. I'm a liberalizing librist life leaping libra everything.
Speaker 1: I am a first born Catholic, raised compliant. I only
Speaker 1: want to please. I don't want anyone mad at me.
Speaker 1: I was trained, as we all were, conditioned to court
Speaker 1: men's attention because it has currency in the world. You
Speaker 1: will get somewhere if a man sees you and has
Speaker 1: an eye on you. And I knew that, and I
Speaker 1: could tell that I could get a man's attention, and
Speaker 1: that that wasn't the reason I got what I needed,
Speaker 1: but I could tell it had power. So I confuse
Speaker 1: sexuality with that kind of power. And I know this
Speaker 1: because my whole life I would go after the one
Speaker 1: I thought was the cutest. You'll go after the best
Speaker 1: one and then land them and be so excited and
Speaker 1: then be like, what do I do with this? What
Speaker 1: do I do with this guy?
Speaker 4: Now?
Speaker 2: I don't got the did you get that?
Speaker 1: I was always afraid that they would like me back?
Speaker 1: As soon as they like me back, I was like,
Speaker 1: you're a baby. I'm out like that on your life.
Speaker 1: You're like so much clarity, right all these moments. No, Yes,
Speaker 1: a podcast I just launched with my sisters and we
Speaker 1: read our journals from high school and junior high.
Speaker 2: Oh, from the eighties again right now, this is amazing.
Speaker 1: It's called Generation Artext. Do you guys watched The Never
Speaker 1: Ending Story? Do you remember that movie?
Speaker 2: I remember? Yeah, it was so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember. Do you remember the Horse that drowns
Speaker 1: and swamps of Sadness? Yes, his name is ur Text.
Speaker 1: That's actor because it is the most It's called Generation out,
Speaker 1: the Generation r text a ar ta x. It's generation
Speaker 1: ar texts with a gen X, you see. And so
Speaker 1: it's really because that is the most gen x that
Speaker 1: was a real trauma for people watching movies when we were,
Speaker 1: you know, in the eighties, and so anyway, that's the
Speaker 1: name of it. But it was the beginning of that
Speaker 1: was my sisters and I all kept journals, and so
Speaker 1: we've been reading like, here's something from nineteen eighty two,
Speaker 1: here's something from nineteen ninety three, and it is mortifying,
Speaker 1: and every page I'm like, this guy is giving me
Speaker 1: the ick. This guy makes me queasy. Uh. I don't
Speaker 1: know this guy likes me, but he's gross. Like I
Speaker 1: was clearly like what uh, but what I allowed myself
Speaker 1: to do it. But to your point, you were just saying,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of women who are in relationships you
Speaker 1: shouldn't be. It doesn't mean they're gay. Maybe it means
Speaker 1: they want to explore. And we're in a world of exploring.
Speaker 1: So I encourage everyone to try it. I tell you,
Speaker 1: and I will say this right now, and I will
Speaker 1: put my money in my mouth. Is if we had
Speaker 1: one hundred people listening and I said, you're all gonna
Speaker 1: date women for like six weeks, and you're gonna find
Speaker 1: your ideal lesbian. You're gonna date them for six weeks,
Speaker 1: I say, you're lucky if half go back.
Speaker 2: What serious?
Speaker 1: Seriously, I don't think you choose to be gay. But
Speaker 1: I was probably gay, like I had. This was not
Speaker 1: my identity. I always even my mother was like, you
Speaker 1: always had a boyfriend. I don't understand. I was like,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what. You have a boyfriend, and we
Speaker 1: could get a boyfriend. I'm like, that's not what makes
Speaker 1: you gay. I was probably always gay, obviously, But I
Speaker 1: chose a straight life because that's what I was conditioned
Speaker 1: to do. And I could have kept choosing it, and
Speaker 1: I could have I could have dumped that boyfriend, got
Speaker 1: another boyfriend, got another boyfriend, and just lived in a
Speaker 1: kind of slow, low simmer of boredom and resentment. And instead,
Speaker 1: I will tell you right effing now, I'm having the
Speaker 1: best sex of my life. I recommend women to anyone
Speaker 1: who will listen. And I'm seeing a lot of it.
Speaker 1: You've seen it, the story about is it embarrassing to
Speaker 1: have a boyfriend? Now, you know people are not posting
Speaker 1: their boyfriends on their on their Instagram because they're like,
Speaker 1: well they always embarrass me, or what if we break up,
Speaker 1: I don't want him on there. It's sort of like
Speaker 1: not that people don't love men, because you know, that's
Speaker 1: how you know sexuality is not a choice, because some
Speaker 1: people do. But honestly, if you had one hundred women,
Speaker 1: that is my fantasy is I want to have like
Speaker 1: a reality dating show where I make everyone date women
Speaker 1: for six weeks because if you found a woman who
Speaker 1: is a masculine woman, which is what I love, you're
Speaker 1: beautiful women. I'm sorry, you're not my type.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: The woman who you had on to talk about the
Speaker 1: Bunyans though super hot. But my point is so excuse
Speaker 1: it's cute, yeah, cute, But my point is the fun
Speaker 1: time you can find masculine women and I see them
Speaker 1: on TikTok and they're like, hey, you know what, I'll
Speaker 1: take you out to dinner. I'll also take your shopping.
Speaker 1: We'll get our nails done, We're going to read together,
Speaker 1: and we will do our hair. Like, there's so much
Speaker 1: you get. It's all the things you think are true.
Speaker 1: It's not easier. Hell no, it's not easier. But the
Speaker 1: idea that I can finally like hang out with a
Speaker 1: woman that I'm into and we can also be friends.
Speaker 1: And I know when I go when i'm dating, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to get raped and murdered. Probably maybe, probably not.
Speaker 2: This is amazing. So okay.
Speaker 3: Then you said that you had some women were not nice.
Speaker 3: Are you saying that that was people that you knew
Speaker 3: or people women in.
Speaker 1: The gay community? Sorry clarification. Everyone in my life was
Speaker 1: so nice and wonderful and supportive that I joke that
Speaker 1: I actually wish it had been a bigger deal, Like
Speaker 1: I call my friend Jen from high school and was like, Jen,
Speaker 1: I someding to tell you I'm gage goes. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: saw that on Instagram. Anyone, what else is going on?
Speaker 1: I think it's great, but like, what else is going on?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: It was not headline news, It was not It was
Speaker 1: almost like coming. I make a joke that when I
Speaker 1: came out to my friends it was as if I
Speaker 1: showed up with bangs. They're like, huh, we weren't expecting that.
Speaker 1: But as long as you like them, yeah, But the
Speaker 1: people who are a little bitchy are some lesbians who
Speaker 1: are gatekeeping. And that is my most watched TikTok was
Speaker 1: about like, can we talk about lesbian gatekeeping because there's
Speaker 1: a whole class and caste system that people who have
Speaker 1: been lifelong lesbians you don't fit them mold look at no,
Speaker 1: but not just that. I mean I'm fairly fam right,
Speaker 1: but oh look who just showed up at the party.
Speaker 1: We suffered our whole lives and we were made fun
Speaker 1: of and we were you know, I get it, they've
Speaker 1: been through it. I did not. I was straight straight passing.
Speaker 1: I'm still straight passing. I'm trying to be like I'm
Speaker 1: trying to let people know. But the problem is women
Speaker 1: are competitive. They are jealous like any humans, and some
Speaker 1: women sort of like I went on a date with
Speaker 1: a woman and I was like, well, and she goes,
Speaker 1: when'd you come out? I don't volunteer this information. By
Speaker 1: the way, find out, You'll never guess that I just
Speaker 1: came out. I've done the homework. But they'll say like,
Speaker 1: when did you come out. I'd be like, oh, not
Speaker 1: that long ago, Well when did twenty work? You know?
Speaker 1: And they're like oh, and they give you that like, oh,
Speaker 1: you're new, and I was like, listen. And one woman
Speaker 1: I went on a date with she had just gotten
Speaker 1: divorced from a woman she's been with for twenty years,
Speaker 1: and I just came out she's new to dating. I'm
Speaker 1: not new to dating. So she was sort of like, well,
Speaker 1: and she was kind of I don't know what the
Speaker 1: kids are doing these days. And I was like, first
Speaker 1: of all, you know, and second of all, she goes,
Speaker 1: you're kind of new, and I go, I'm not new
Speaker 1: to dating. As far as I'm concerned. We're in the
Speaker 1: same boat. Because she didn't know how to date and
Speaker 1: I already knew it had been dating up a storm,
Speaker 1: so that kind of that's not common though most women,
Speaker 1: most lesbians that I've met, are like, oh my god, yes, please,
Speaker 1: thank you, this is wonderful. So I felt nothing but welcome,
Speaker 1: but just you know, also from women I broke up
Speaker 1: with who were like, well, whatever, you're new, Like you know.
Speaker 4: What about if you had struggled with it your whole life,
Speaker 4: Like would they have a different narrative or take or
Speaker 4: take on you?
Speaker 1: Maybe I could lie, I'd be like, yeah, it was
Speaker 1: really hard, but come on, no, yeah, I think that.
Speaker 1: First of all, I think there's a lot of mental
Speaker 1: illness everywhere, and also a lot of mental illness in
Speaker 1: a queer community because there's been such abuse and abandonment
Speaker 1: and a lot of these women have been through it,
Speaker 1: and I've had experiences people I was like, wow, this
Speaker 1: is wild. But even though it's wild, still better than
Speaker 1: dating men as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 3: Okay, well if we move on's your second Ted Talk? Yes,
Speaker 3: it's about time we rethink happily ever after? I mean.
Speaker 2: This it's right in and where do.
Speaker 1: We go with this? That Ted Talk I'm convinced didn't
Speaker 1: do as well because the title wasn't good They titled
Speaker 1: it something that had to do with their event, which
Speaker 1: no one remembers, and it is really about that the
Speaker 1: seed of that talk. And by the way, how I
Speaker 1: got that second talk with someone saw the first talk
Speaker 1: and they said, hey, we're doing a text event. Would
Speaker 1: you come to a talk here. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: when I do play the hits, I already did that talk.
Speaker 1: They're like, no, write a new one. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, everyoney giving me homework, okay, And so
Speaker 1: I thought about what opinion bugged me and what bothers me.
Speaker 1: Always since I've been single, my whole life is when
Speaker 1: people go oh yeah, I'm still single, or oh you're
Speaker 1: single again, or oh yeah, it never works out. The
Speaker 1: assumption that because oh boy, there's a cat, get down.
Speaker 3: Oh the cat's been there the whole time. We're like,
Speaker 3: we're vibing with the cat, yeah the whole time.
Speaker 1: Listen, I have male cats. They try to steal, they're
Speaker 1: trying to take space. That talk is basically the point
Speaker 1: is there's nothing wrong with you because you're single. That again,
Speaker 1: is a kind of patriarchal vibe. It's your damaged goods.
Speaker 1: No one wants you, and you should be afraid so
Speaker 1: that you're grateful when someone does. That's all set up
Speaker 1: to make you, oh god, I need someone, I need someone,
Speaker 1: or I'm not worth anything. And the guy said to
Speaker 1: me that that talk starts with the guy saying, oh,
Speaker 1: you're single, and you seem smart and you seem well, yeah,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? He said?
Speaker 1: And I said, there's literally nothing wrong with me. How old?
Speaker 1: What's wrong with you? I was forties, it was early forties.
Speaker 1: They're like, why are you married? Why? Because I don't
Speaker 1: want to be? Even my boyfriend time said, you know,
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to believe. I can't wrap my
Speaker 1: brain around why you're single. I said, do you think
Speaker 1: I'm a catch? Do you think I'm like a catch?
Speaker 1: And he goes yes. I said, so, why would you
Speaker 1: think I'd be so willing to go with anyone? Why
Speaker 1: wouldn't you assume I was really picky as I am.
Speaker 2: It is a strange belief.
Speaker 1: It is that think about it for a second. Really,
Speaker 1: I wanted to change your thinking about this, especially people
Speaker 1: listening who feel bad or embarrassed or defensive about their singleness.
Speaker 1: You are born single. You are single until you choose
Speaker 1: to live with or spend time with someone. And our
Speaker 1: culture is tructured around the belief that having a married
Speaker 1: couple is the basis for everything and must be. That's
Speaker 1: just this culture, it's not all cultures. But what happens
Speaker 1: if you're not in a relationship or you had one before?
Speaker 1: Oh what happened to that guy you had here Thanksgiving
Speaker 1: last year? It didn't work out? Why? Well, he was
Speaker 1: a douche. Couldn't you make it work? Well? No, I
Speaker 1: don't want to make it work like this idea that
Speaker 1: you should be long suffering and stay. And my takeaway
Speaker 1: from that, or my response to that, is the only
Speaker 1: difference between someone who's single and someone who's not defined
Speaker 1: a single is if you die while you're still in
Speaker 1: your relationship. If you do not survive your relationship, I
Speaker 1: guess you were happily married. I don't know. All I
Speaker 1: know is you died while you were in it. That's
Speaker 1: the only difference here, because if I die single, Oh,
Speaker 1: she died single? She had wherefore it didn't work out? What? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Why are you less than if you're single?
Speaker 1: Right, I'm about to survive everything. I've survived bad friendship,
Speaker 1: I've survived jobs, I've survived men, which is no small thing,
Speaker 1: and I have survived relationships. My hope is that you
Speaker 1: do survive. And by the way, this is not I
Speaker 1: do not going to get out of Joe free card
Speaker 1: with lesbians because they also are like, well, isn't this forever?
Speaker 1: Isn't this We're gonna be like the right end, like
Speaker 1: to you forever? And I was like, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't know, but I don't treat people casually. I'm not like, well, no,
Speaker 1: you're casual. That's rude. So I never say that. I go, no,
Speaker 1: we're in this and we're going to experience it. If
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. And one
Speaker 1: girlfriend said, I just worry that, like, if we break up,
Speaker 1: you're just gonna be You'll be just fine, And I said,
Speaker 1: and I hope you'll be fine. I'm fifty years old.
Speaker 1: I lived my whole life without you. Why now would
Speaker 1: it be that I can't live without you, that something's
Speaker 1: wrong with me? Then?
Speaker 2: Can you ever have just talk in Utah?
Speaker 3: Because when you're not twenty won and married, you're an
Speaker 3: old maid that no one wants.
Speaker 1: No. And I see so many women on TikTok are
Speaker 1: like eighty niney. They're like, girls don't get married her.
Speaker 1: If you do, be happy when it ends, because your
Speaker 1: life starts. But that's something that you guys talk about
Speaker 1: a lot, like midlife is when some changes happen. And yes,
Speaker 1: some relationship is peter out and it's a painful end.
Speaker 1: And I don't take that lightly either. But this idea
Speaker 1: that I'm over and I'm done because no man wants me, really,
Speaker 1: ask yourself, that is that of reality. It's not, it's not.
Speaker 1: But until we see it that way, we're gonna think, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know who would want me, who would want you?
Speaker 1: Go on the apps? You could have a date every
Speaker 1: night if you want it. Yeah, but you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to lower some standards. But like you know, you could
Speaker 1: do it if you want it. Like the ability to
Speaker 1: catch and keep is like, listen, I'm in the catch
Speaker 1: and release program. If it's not working, it's still bad.
Speaker 1: I like it.
Speaker 3: It's an interesting concept that it's opening up the conversation
Speaker 3: than the traditional I love it. I love And that's
Speaker 3: kind of what went into your ted talk.
Speaker 2: That's what it was about me.
Speaker 1: That's what that was about. It was sort of like,
Speaker 1: can we just think about this as surviving and learning something.
Speaker 1: First of all, I don't regret any of the relationships
Speaker 1: I had. Every relationship I learned something. I learned a
Speaker 1: shortcoming of mind. I learned to address it. I learned
Speaker 1: about what I like and what I don't like. And
Speaker 1: you learn each time. No shade on people who are
Speaker 1: with their high school partner. Fine that you are rarety Fine,
Speaker 1: you're in a different category there. But if you date
Speaker 1: and date and date, you're not a whore. You are learning.
Speaker 1: Who you are dating is to learn about yourself as
Speaker 1: much as anyone else. And because I'm in gay I've
Speaker 1: been out for almost two years, I dated so much
Speaker 1: and make a headspin because I need to know who
Speaker 1: am I in this world? What am I like? What
Speaker 1: do I like? And what is it like like? And
Speaker 1: I go in with total respect, authenticity, clarity. I don't
Speaker 1: want there to be any confusion, and I am really
Speaker 1: clear about those boundaries. I think there is nothing more
Speaker 1: important for a woman as she gets older as to
Speaker 1: shore up those boundaries. And then everything else you can make,
Speaker 1: you can allow for, you can accommodate, but your default
Speaker 1: cannot be accommodation. The deeds on my whole life. Well
Speaker 1: I know, I know, but most women has been that's okay.
Speaker 1: You serve, not just me new but women have served.
Speaker 1: They've put all their talent and energy into serving other people,
Speaker 1: which was their choice, a wonderful choice. You raised humans,
Speaker 1: We're going to go off into the world. You had
Speaker 1: a wonderful relationship and then it ended for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: like now what now? Because you talked about you were asking, like,
Speaker 1: let's talk about like rest and what it means to
Speaker 1: I don't like because sounds like rest in peace, Like
Speaker 1: we're not there yet. You now have all of this energy,
Speaker 1: give all of this energy that you've just now freed up.
Speaker 1: Because your kids are older, they do not need you
Speaker 1: every second. You're maybe who can knows what's going on
Speaker 1: with your job, your partner, or maybe you don't have
Speaker 1: a partner. What are you gonna do with all that energy?
Speaker 1: You're certainly not gonna just sit home and use a
Speaker 1: callous remover tool, though I have one and is such
Speaker 1: a pleasure to use. But I'm telling you, every night
Speaker 1: you can't be home doing your feed and taking care
Speaker 1: of us. That's fine. Self care should have a box
Speaker 1: that is protected, and that's one part of it. But
Speaker 1: the rest of it is where will you go with
Speaker 1: that energy? And why would you stop using it? This
Speaker 1: is reason why the world hates middle aged women. It's
Speaker 1: because that's when they don't give shit. They are now
Speaker 1: ready to not care. And so what do they do? Vilify? Oh,
Speaker 1: you're over the hill. No one listens to you every
Speaker 1: midlife and we'll say the krone age when I say
Speaker 1: that in a positive way, is wiser older woman. They
Speaker 1: know shit, and they know your shit, and they are
Speaker 1: not taking your shit, and they are terrifying. Men are
Speaker 1: very afraid of them, and that is why they hate them.
Speaker 1: That's why why do you think, well, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Our administration does not love cat ladies because these women
Speaker 1: are gonna make their own decisions and in a matter
Speaker 1: of five minutes they're about to inherit and have a
Speaker 1: lot of the money in this country. What are we
Speaker 1: gonna do with all of that energy and all of
Speaker 1: that money. You sure as shit are not gonna just
Speaker 1: sit home and binge TV shows. You're gonna meet people,
Speaker 1: you're gonna date, You're gonna have the best sex of
Speaker 1: your life. You're gonna have better sex even Okay, you
Speaker 1: don't look like you do when you were You don't
Speaker 1: look like did nineteen ninety two. Who cares guests doesn't
Speaker 1: care the person you're in bed with. I can vouch
Speaker 1: for this. They do not give a shit. They want you,
Speaker 1: they love you, and to feel desired in that way.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you it's the best. Life is good after forty,
Speaker 1: the best after fifty.
Speaker 4: What advice would you give to anyone listening who is
Speaker 4: feeling inspired by what you're saying, but has been afraid
Speaker 4: of disrupting the story that they've built. How do they
Speaker 4: tap into the power and find what's true for them
Speaker 4: and make that change.
Speaker 1: Be around women who do. If your friends like to
Speaker 1: sit around and complain and say they can't do stuff
Speaker 1: and say this is hard now and my back aches
Speaker 1: and I can't because this, and I can't guess that
Speaker 1: you need new friends, and you do and you can
Speaker 1: meet new people. Do not hang around with people who
Speaker 1: make you kind of hate yourself a little bit or
Speaker 1: feel stuck. You know who you spend time with. I mean,
Speaker 1: That's why I've devoted my whole Like I was a
Speaker 1: consultant for years, but now my whole life is building
Speaker 1: this community of people. We are taking our stories and
Speaker 1: our memories to the page. I'm a writer, and I
Speaker 1: don't teach people to write. I free people's stories up.
Speaker 1: And you know who's in those classrooms. You know who's
Speaker 1: on those zoom calls women because they're like, guess what, bitches,
Speaker 1: I got something to say, and I'm tired of being quiet.
Speaker 1: So here's what I say to people. Are like, but
Speaker 1: I can't guse this. You can keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 1: No one said you had to change your life, not
Speaker 1: one person, not me, not you guys. You can keep
Speaker 1: doing what you're doing. How mad are you going to
Speaker 1: be if you know you're like, well, it's too late,
Speaker 1: all right, but you're not dead yet. How mad are
Speaker 1: you going to be? If you just continue to serve
Speaker 1: and accommodate and put everyone else first. You'll do that
Speaker 1: till you die. Like they say, when you die, you'll
Speaker 1: have things on your to do list you didn't get to.
Speaker 1: I am not interested in having things I didn't get
Speaker 1: to do because of that. So you have to ask
Speaker 1: yourself who am I spending time with? Have I written
Speaker 1: down how I feel? I'm journaling more than I ever
Speaker 1: have in many, many years because I know when I write,
Speaker 1: I think it makes me think in a new way.
Speaker 1: And I would say, write keep a journal, you know't
Speaker 1: to tell you one about it, Challenge the ideas you have.
Speaker 1: Write down here's what I think my limit is. I'm
Speaker 1: not I can't do this because someone will be mad.
Speaker 1: Someone will be mad at me. You're listen. I'm afraid
Speaker 1: when people are mad at me too. But at some
Speaker 1: point I go, I'm sorry, you're not going to live
Speaker 1: my life. I have to. So I'm gonna live with
Speaker 1: the boundaries I've said. And I have friends who's had
Speaker 1: very clear boundaries with me. I have friends I do
Speaker 1: business with and they'll be like, well, this is our
Speaker 1: deal and this is like respect it. If you don't
Speaker 1: keep boundaries, who's gonna trust you? You don't have any boundaries.
Speaker 1: I get real nervous from people of boundaries. They're in
Speaker 1: Lucy Goosey make me nervous. Yeah, yeah, you know it's true.
Speaker 5: Though.
Speaker 1: You don't have to be angry and belligerent, but you
Speaker 1: can kind of speak up and decide what you want.
Speaker 1: And if you don't feel like having sex but you
Speaker 1: don't want to break up with your partner, then you
Speaker 1: say you know what I'm not feeling it like I
Speaker 1: open up your relationship, Like the rules you work raised with,
Speaker 1: especially us because we are gen X, are we not? Yes?
Speaker 1: Now the rules we were raised with, I hate to
Speaker 1: tell you, is a lie and it is not something
Speaker 1: you have to live by anymore. And you don't get
Speaker 1: points for clinging to things you did right before. No
Speaker 1: one's giving out trophies for who was a good girl?
Speaker 1: Not anymore. I'm obsessed.
Speaker 2: That was the mic drop. There's always my job. That
Speaker 2: was it my advice that whole Yeah.
Speaker 3: It's interesting reinventing yourself. I feel like, and this is
Speaker 3: totally off topic, so I'm going to bring it back.
Speaker 2: But I have a well I have a few children,
Speaker 2: but a nineteen year old.
Speaker 3: Son that is kind of I'm telling him some of
Speaker 3: these same things because he's kind of got in this
Speaker 3: warped world of just virtual reality and not meeting people,
Speaker 3: are not dating and not getting out, and the kids
Speaker 3: just don't talk to each other anymore, and the college experience,
Speaker 3: I'm like, you should be meeting people.
Speaker 1: Well, we're in an analog world still, Like, as far
Speaker 1: as I know, we're not living in a virtual world.
Speaker 1: We're we're living in the real world, and that's going
Speaker 1: to be really hard that generation. Yeah, I don't know
Speaker 1: what's going to happen. I feel like we know Gen
Speaker 1: X is the toughest. We grew up analog means we
Speaker 1: can do literally anything like who grew up analog? We
Speaker 1: learned digital. We can speak your language, but we worked
Speaker 1: in ways you didn't, So we're sort of unstoppable in
Speaker 1: that way. But I do worry for young people because
Speaker 1: I don't understand. I don't know what they'll do, how
Speaker 1: will they do it, how will they be social?
Speaker 2: It's hard.
Speaker 3: It's just a different it's a different world. I just
Speaker 3: read something somewhere that was talking about I mean, and
Speaker 3: it was let's be honest, it was like a TikToker,
Speaker 3: a real.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sure, but out of my news.
Speaker 3: It was saying how we were actually the best parents
Speaker 3: of all of the generations. And it went through and
Speaker 3: said why and the millennials were like under us, and
Speaker 3: then our parents were under them. But it was really
Speaker 3: interesting to put it out because, I mean, I just
Speaker 3: finished watching Stranger Things and I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, but the eighties were where was that?
Speaker 3: Nobody paid attention to us, Nobody called us, we were
Speaker 3: back at night time and our parents didn't give a
Speaker 3: crop where we were or what we were doing.
Speaker 1: I mean, it was freedom and like, but look at
Speaker 1: the kids. Probably your son watched Stranger Things, right, they
Speaker 1: all do. Excuse me, Romeo, these kids are watching that
Speaker 1: going I mean the music. I want to weep when
Speaker 1: they're playing prints and there. But this is almost how
Speaker 1: will how the generations will like, how we'll make our
Speaker 1: peace with the news generation because they know that that
Speaker 1: was so cool, you know, and so yeah, watching that
Speaker 1: is very And also I felt the same way about
Speaker 1: Yellow Jackets. That was also nineties the music, and I
Speaker 1: was like, this is so awesome. Watch that too, you guys.
Speaker 1: Absolutely it is our people. It's actresses we grew up
Speaker 1: with who are now grown ups, and it was fantastic.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean I hate to be like I
Speaker 1: worry about the children because they said the same thing
Speaker 1: about us. Actually, no, they didn't. They didn't wry about us.
Speaker 1: They had to say, at o'clock, do you know where
Speaker 1: your child is? Because maybe we haven't thought about them
Speaker 1: all day.
Speaker 2: They'll be home, they'll show up.
Speaker 3: I'll show up, well, Terry, I have to say this.
Speaker 3: We have all these questions we never get to any
Speaker 3: of them. But the heart of what I wanted this
Speaker 3: episode to be has has arrived.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, good was there something I missed? I feel
Speaker 1: bad now I took care.
Speaker 2: Oh no, because this is what I really want.
Speaker 3: I think that this struggle of identity, and I mean
Speaker 3: for you, your story. You know, Laura has a different
Speaker 3: story of having a baby, you know a couple of
Speaker 3: years ago, a totally different story. I have a different
Speaker 3: story of in my forties. Like I didn't even start
Speaker 3: strength training until I was forty one.
Speaker 5: And then I can't believe that this business and all
Speaker 5: of these things that I didn't think was possible in
Speaker 5: my path when I was in my twenties and thirties
Speaker 5: because I was a stay at home mom.
Speaker 3: That's my identity. That's what I was, that's what I did.
Speaker 3: And so this reinvention is really you have three people
Speaker 3: on this call right now that have re invented in
Speaker 3: a different way than what the norm would tell you.
Speaker 1: I would say, I mean, there is no norm, because
Speaker 1: you might have seemed norm because you're like, I'm a
Speaker 1: stay at home on, but your life changed. My mom
Speaker 1: always says, and she does something I'll never forget. She's like,
Speaker 1: you know, people like life is short. Life be sure,
Speaker 1: my mom goes life is long. Make good decisions, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like it's you're gonna have to
Speaker 1: live with that. Now you'll also live through it. Like, yes,
Speaker 1: you had little kids when you were you were a baby,
Speaker 1: yourself so young, and now those kids are growing up,
Speaker 1: like you have a whole other life, Right, what are
Speaker 1: you gonna do? I mean, my sister just sent her
Speaker 1: first to college, her second one is going to college.
Speaker 1: She was a little panicky, like, what am I gonna do?
Speaker 1: She's so young, right, she has so much energy. She
Speaker 1: is now producing our podcast. She learned how to use
Speaker 1: or like the riverside app and edit and she's like,
Speaker 1: I love this. She has a whole new career as
Speaker 1: essentially a producer. She's like, oh, I like to zoom
Speaker 1: it on this. She's a whole new skill set. And
Speaker 1: she says, thank god we did this now, because I
Speaker 1: don't know what I would have done. So the answer
Speaker 1: is everyone should have a podcast. Just kidding. I think
Speaker 1: the answer is that everyone should make something, do something,
Speaker 1: write something. I mean, there's a reason why we're called to,
Speaker 1: Like I just want to make something well, and then
Speaker 1: they'll say, talk to any women are Oh, but I
Speaker 1: mean I was an accountant for years. It's not like
Speaker 1: I wasn't trained dough this. We were trained for different things,
Speaker 1: for a different world. We were trained for a different
Speaker 1: world that doesn't exist anymore. So guess what You're gonna
Speaker 1: have to invent who you are now? And that scariness
Speaker 1: that we feel like people, well, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: just want to go back to what I know. You know,
Speaker 1: it's not scary because it's dangerous. It's because freedom is
Speaker 1: so foreign to you you don't recognize it, and so
Speaker 1: you're defaulting to fear. But it's not scary, it's exciting.
Speaker 1: But the fact that so many women are afraid of that,
Speaker 1: well what do I do? It's like, this is what
Speaker 1: we've been waiting for. This is it? Freedom feels scary
Speaker 1: because you're so not used to it. Yes, it's used
Speaker 1: to Yeah.
Speaker 3: And I like the reinventing of the skills because I
Speaker 3: have to say, on my staff alone, I have one
Speaker 3: person that's kind of the I don't know, chief operating
Speaker 3: office or whatever you would call them, who has been
Speaker 3: in corporate America for twenty years and then I've hired
Speaker 3: a bunch of other women my age that are wicked,
Speaker 3: smart women, but they you know, they raised kids, and
Speaker 3: so we're sitting here.
Speaker 2: Half the time on these calls. This one person who's like, well,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 3: You guys get this, and we're like, we stayed at
Speaker 3: home for twenty years.
Speaker 2: We didn't, we don't know this. But all of these
Speaker 2: women can learn.
Speaker 3: And I wouldn't have picked anyone different because the skill set,
Speaker 3: as you said, with your sister, who cares.
Speaker 2: What you went to school with and you haven't worked
Speaker 2: in X amount.
Speaker 3: Of years, or you don't know that yours like it
Speaker 3: can just you can figure it out.
Speaker 2: We're all smart women that can figure the self esteem.
Speaker 1: And this is I'm going to speak to our generation
Speaker 1: because the younger are not old enough to complain about
Speaker 1: this yet much. But I cannot stand. I have an
Speaker 1: allergic reaction to when any woman around me, around our
Speaker 1: age says they can't do tech. I want to scream.
Speaker 1: I want to grab them by the ears and shape them,
Speaker 1: because I say everything's tech. You use a phone, you
Speaker 1: use a microwave is tech, Books are tech. All tech
Speaker 1: is is a tool with which to do something else.
Speaker 1: This idea, the one I'm not good at that we
Speaker 1: have counted ourselves out. I didn't neither to my mom.
Speaker 1: She's online. She knows how to order stuff ships, so
Speaker 1: she could do everything. This idea that I can't I can't. Oh,
Speaker 1: but you know women are age. No, don't start with that,
Speaker 1: do not. And this idea that you can't learn tech
Speaker 1: is crazy because this tech today especially you don't have
Speaker 1: to be an engineer. It's me so that a monkey
Speaker 1: could do it, so like you can do it, But
Speaker 1: that's not what it is. It's that it's not like, well,
Speaker 1: I can't, this is too hard. I can't. No, you're
Speaker 1: so in your face with your critic. You're just like,
Speaker 1: I can't because I'm not a person who does this.
Speaker 1: They've overidentified with someone who can't do things, who doesn't
Speaker 1: know things, when in fact, if I said I'll give
Speaker 1: you a million dollars and won't murder your family if
Speaker 1: you learn to use Instagram, guess who's going to learn
Speaker 1: how to use Instagram. So like, don't tell me you
Speaker 1: can't do it. You can. It's the block about the
Speaker 1: idea of what you can't do, and that's what's going
Speaker 1: to hold women our age back. That's when we pull
Speaker 1: away from the shore and the people who say, well
Speaker 1: but I can't, they stay on the shore and they're done.
Speaker 1: It's like people don't use AI. I'm likebye, I hope
Speaker 1: you had fun because you're done now.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean it's true, it's great. It's the reinventing.
Speaker 3: And I see this like in the weight loss world
Speaker 3: of you know, people will come into my programs and
Speaker 3: I'm like, there's nothing special here.
Speaker 2: There's nothing. There's no magic pill or solution, Like, hey, they're.
Speaker 1: Wanting your arms. They just want your arms. They want
Speaker 1: you to tell them what to do to get the arms.
Speaker 1: The arms arms.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean it's just like every day I see
Speaker 3: women reinvent themselves. But you're right, you have to change.
Speaker 3: I had to do it myself. I was just like,
Speaker 3: I can't start a Who's gonna listen to me on Instagram?
Speaker 3: I don't know how to do any of this or
Speaker 3: you know, you starting off with a ted talk. Well,
Speaker 3: I don't know, but I'm gonna figure it out.
Speaker 1: You'll figure it out, of course, you figure it out.
Speaker 1: I think we undermine our own abilities. Something that my
Speaker 1: niece says that well, that people say now they'll be like,
Speaker 1: how are going to be boys? Do it? I like,
Speaker 1: which is amazing. So whenever someone says, well there's not
Speaker 1: enough money or we can't earn it off and there's
Speaker 1: not enough, there's plenty of money, and some douchebag out
Speaker 1: there who's doing very little is taking home your share.
Speaker 1: So what are you gonna do about it? Do you speak?
Speaker 1: Are you?
Speaker 3: Do you have any speaking engagements coming out? Because I
Speaker 3: feel like I need to meet you on person.
Speaker 2: I know you're going to be talking.
Speaker 1: You know, anyone who needs a speaker because my bookings
Speaker 1: are down. I haven't really tried, I haven't really pitched,
Speaker 1: and I would love to do more speaking, So anyone. Uh,
Speaker 1: But no, I don't have anything currently scheduled. I just
Speaker 1: have the Uh. I just had the podcast. It goes
Speaker 1: live every week. That's it. I also run live workshops,
Speaker 1: and I do. I do lecture them because the room
Speaker 1: is all women our age basically with a few very
Speaker 1: advanced involved men. And I run live workshops every week
Speaker 1: where people come and write, and I'm forever telling them
Speaker 1: you are creative. I don't care that you majored in finance, Nancy,
Speaker 1: You're still creative. So I am forever coaxing people out
Speaker 1: of that shell. So when I speak, I'm speaking to
Speaker 1: my community and that's easy enough to check out. But yeah,
Speaker 1: if you hear of like any major events, please tell me.
Speaker 1: I would love to throw my head in the ring.
Speaker 3: And you in New York?
Speaker 1: Yes, do you hear the ambulance? Oh? Sorry, I don't
Speaker 1: even like where are you?
Speaker 2: I marry you in New York.
Speaker 1: I'm an upper on the Upper West Side. I'm near
Speaker 1: Lincoln Center. Okay.
Speaker 2: We had an apartment in Murray Hill like your years, Well,
Speaker 2: my husband did. I I would visit.
Speaker 3: We were kind of living in two places while he
Speaker 3: was working out in the city before we moved out.
Speaker 3: But such a fantastic there's nowhere like New York City.
Speaker 1: There's not you walk down the street in New York
Speaker 1: and you're on your own music video. It's you're listening
Speaker 1: to whatever, you're wearing whatever, like it's just I love it.
Speaker 1: And it was like, it's not what it used to be.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't care. It's still New York. It's
Speaker 1: still amazing.
Speaker 3: Absolutely So Terry in closing here, where can women find you?
Speaker 3: And can you just mention again about your writing group.
Speaker 1: Because oh it's a big book. Oh the book is
Speaker 1: called Unfollow Your Passion. You can find where ever books
Speaker 1: are sold. Hopefully it came on so I hope it's
Speaker 1: still there.
Speaker 2: It's very good.
Speaker 1: Thank you. It came maturing the pandemic, so it did
Speaker 1: not get the you know, the attention that it might have.
Speaker 1: But that's all right. You can find me anywhere. I'm everywhere.
Speaker 1: No one has my name, literally no one, So Terry Trispichi,
Speaker 1: you can find me on the on the gram, you
Speaker 1: can find me on TikTok, blah blah blah. But if
Speaker 1: you want to actually hang out and spend time, I'm
Speaker 1: always on and talking to this group and in my
Speaker 1: you know, my little community. It's the group I've run.
Speaker 1: It's called the New Rules Studio. We call it the Studio,
Speaker 1: and it is essentially a live, real time, virtual critic
Speaker 1: free writing room, not just for writers. So joining, I
Speaker 1: know you want to write? Do you guys want to write? Yes?
Speaker 2: I've always wanted to share a yes I do.
Speaker 1: I Do you like the idea of sitting and writing
Speaker 1: your story?
Speaker 3: Well, I would say I'm too busy right now, but
Speaker 3: it's definitely on the docket.
Speaker 2: In like the next.
Speaker 1: Decade, decade. I like thinking in decades. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important. Well, let me, I'll tell you. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you and everyone else you're better than you think, because
Speaker 1: I can't tell I'm pample, I'm really a bad writer.
Speaker 1: I'm not good. No, it's just that you trained according
Speaker 1: to grammar and you were afraid of doing it wrong.
Speaker 1: You there is I say, there's no such thing as
Speaker 1: writer's block. There's just the desire to write and the
Speaker 1: desire to be right. And if you're going to write
Speaker 1: and be creative, you have to be willing to be
Speaker 1: wrong and to mess it up. But we are a
Speaker 1: very specific approach to writing. It's called the Gateless method.
Speaker 1: I did not invent it. There's no criticism, there's no judgment.
Speaker 1: No one's going to tell you how to do your thing.
Speaker 1: We're only going to listen to your work and tell
Speaker 1: you what we loved about it. And I, having being
Speaker 1: a seasoned and certified facilitator in this method, will point
Speaker 1: out the craft points of what this speaker did. Haley, Well,
Speaker 1: you can see what she did here is she did this,
Speaker 1: and then she starts with this introduction, and you'll be
Speaker 1: like I didn't know I did that. So I'm forever
Speaker 1: showing people their work and showing them how strong it
Speaker 1: is so that they can share it however they want to.
Speaker 1: But you can, you know, come try. And what I'm
Speaker 1: doing is getting a special body Pod link that you
Speaker 1: can put in the show notes so that we'll know
Speaker 1: how many of your friends come. I love to know.
Speaker 3: I love it well, Terry, thank you so much for
Speaker 3: spending your afternoon with us. This was such an enlightening
Speaker 3: and and as as I mentioned at the first, different
Speaker 3: podcast than any other guests that we've had, so thank
Speaker 3: you for being Thank.
Speaker 1: You, Thank you so fun.
Speaker 2: You are so fun to have you.
Speaker 1: Oh you guys are so sweet. I would like to
Speaker 1: meet you in person.
Speaker 4: Well I'm on East Coaster now, so when I come
Speaker 4: to New York, I am meeting up with you.
Speaker 1: Please please do. This is real fun. Thank you guys.
Speaker 2: Yes, thanks for listening everyone.
Speaker 4: If you enjoyed this episode, please consider giving us a
Speaker 4: five star rating and sharing the body Pod with your
Speaker 4: friends