Speaker 1: Hey, this is John and Ben with gate Leapers and
Geek Exploration the podcast, and we have something new and
exciting to share with you. We made more comic book.
Speaker 2: Now live on Kickstarter. Space Oddities number three.
Speaker 1: Space Odityes is an adventure comedy story about the crew
of the f Tosa Jorgemik Sanchez and Dirk.
Speaker 2: They are in the business of locating and procuring lost
or misappropriated antiquities.
Speaker 1: While on a job, a young woman named Jeck Paxton
suddenly becomes an unsolicited crew member.
Speaker 2: Jet's quest to find her mother will point them toward
a fabled artifact of immense power and all the danger
that comes with it.
Speaker 1: Space Oddities is the beautiful, talented and great smelling love
child of Indiana Jones and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Speaker 2: So if you're into screwball space adventures with a little heart,
visit spaceodities dot com for the latest updates and to
learn more.
Speaker 1: And if you're new to Space Audities, you can get
all forty pages of issue on on Drive Through Comics
for just a buck cheap.
Speaker 3: Dirty Come he did?
Speaker 4: The Join The Quest is a charted join the icy
Basted six writers face.
Speaker 3: Off by a roll of the dice Tale fight dirty.
Speaker 5: Leave nothing behind, but Fingerprits had a tall tale.
Speaker 6: Stealing carts, breaking fats with plenty of time to kill
and Sicybasters tens always enticing and know the cabby jasting Basters.
Speaker 3: Come on and join the Dicey Bastard. Hey, there are
Debian's junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to the next episode
of Authors Director presents the Dicey Bastards. My name is M. K. Gibson,
your host, dungeon master and author of such books as
she dreams of Fire and to beat the Devil. Who
do I have with me today? Why it's the same
people we always have. What a surprise. Let's start the
first in the list. Robert Bevin.
Speaker 7: Hello, friends, Robert Bevin. Here out there of the Caverns
and Creatures.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 7: The series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories. In
this game, I played Jorcell the Sorcerer, The Sorcerer with
the Muscerer. Yeah. I don't have a lot of books,
a lot of news. I got a new book coming
out sometime in the future, Critical Failures ten. Uh. There
will probably be several more episodes where I make this
announcement before treading.
Speaker 3: We also have several books right now that are free
for kindle readers, don't you don't you?
Speaker 7: That's true, but they won't be by the time this heirs.
Speaker 9: Well, that's Sea Lights suckers.
Speaker 3: Listen up past you guys. You should have got it.
I know I got mine. Were Next up, Rick Walteriery,
mister gird.
Speaker 8: Hey everyone, my name is Rick Qualterion. I play Ooh
Visitor the Eldritch Knight. That's Dino Might. Yeah, I just
one dated myself with that one. Anyway. In real life,
I write several things. But if you if you're looking
for new stuff, by the time you're listening to this,
Mike the Werewolf should hopefully be out on Kindlevella and
Time Chaser, my very first lit RPG story ignoring what
I did for the Shingles series, should hopefully be well
on its way as well.
Speaker 3: Fantastic, Thank you very much, sir. Next up is mister Hayes.
Speaker 8: Drew.
Speaker 3: How are you doing, buddy?
Speaker 5: Doing great? Hey, everybody, I am Drew Hayes, player of
Kabert the Expedient, a centaur who is always putting the
cart before the horse because it's his Pride and joy.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 5: In real life, I am the author of books such
as NPC's Superpowers and Villain's Code, the newest book of
which Chilling Reflections number three, is coming out on August eighth.
Oh but that's not all. I have Rover Powered, first
of my new young adult series, coming out on September third.
Oh but that's not all. I have a Decade of
Death and Decisions, a culmination of ten years of writing
done on my website Slash with an Audience, and that
comes out on October nineteenth.
Speaker 3: That sounds like amazing. I can't wait to read it.
Next up, m Kaplin, how are you?
Speaker 8: Ma'am?
Speaker 5: He Hi?
Speaker 10: How you doing? See here?
Speaker 11: I'm Emily and I write books under em Kaplan. I
have a book called Arsenic and Alibis out right now,
which he should grab. It's a fun, lighthearted mystery. Today
I'm playing Claudia, who will not be needing a manicure
on her right hand because she has no fingernails.
Speaker 10: But a little bit of trivia.
Speaker 11: I personally have never been to a nail salon, but
my nails are always done by a weird little Asian woman.
Speaker 3: Are you counting yourself? Yes? And last, and maybe even least.
I don't know Steve, whether or how you are? How
are you, sir?
Speaker 9: Hid stand and deliver? Here the swashbuckler, who's quite the fuckler.
I cannot think of anything else to rise with Buckler.
Speaker 7: That was perfect.
Speaker 3: Buckler, smuggler, juggler.
Speaker 9: Well, okay, I can see there are of a rhymes.
I'm just not very quick. Yeah, I write books. Also
pick up one of my books. Google it. You've got
the world of information to your fingertips. And I will
also have a decade of deaf and decisions, which I
will be seeing my doctor about next week.
Speaker 3: This sounds so sad, all right. Before we get in
the game, I want to take a moment to remind
all of the listeners that if you're not already part
of the A. D Family, then you are indeed missing out.
Head over to patreon dot com slash Authors and Dragons,
check out the various tears, all the perks, and come
join us. At just the five bucks a month. You
can join our discord server, hang out with hundreds of
really cool people and US authors and get to know
everybody all these amazing fans and friends. Or head over
to Authors in Dragons dot com and check out our
merchan links at Tea Public for some really cool stuff.
But you don't have cash, don't worry about it. Just
go to your favorite podcast services. Hit the likes, hit
the subscribes, hit the comment feel. Same thing with YouTube.
The more you do that and the more you share,
the more it helps. Sucks all right, With all that
shilling out of the ways, everybody ready to get into
the game.
Speaker 7: Also, I'm impressed.
Speaker 8: Yeah, well then I would add, if you don't have
any money, steal from your from your old parents and
send it to us.
Speaker 3: Well that is true. Yeah, we we actually endorse uh
filtering the the elderly for their money, you know, fleecing them,
So that too. All right, greetings all, and this is
Connie you stand's conscience? What's cracking? That's what the kids say, right,
Let's fuck it. Kids are stupid. Moving on, and the
last adventure of the Dicey Bastards had a naked campouts
and Stan used a spell to discover the secret of
Colaudia's new magic mirror. What does she do? She then
used to to discover the secret of total testicles. Time
well spent after brainstorming ideas replace Moog's missing hand with
either a stick or a dagger and two rubber bands,
the team set off, arriving at the burned up remains
of the Crossroads in after Moog attempted to plants incriminating evidence,
the team was discovered. Oh no, but quick thinking and
dumb guards soon had the team masquerading as a supplemental
inspecting unit. Those dumb dumb cards but anyway, discovering at
the basement of the Green Trees family contained evil necromantic
activities and magic unspells and all kinds of crap. The
team somehow and I really mean somehow painted the legally
distinct totals as heroes while getting full credit and all
the reward to Dan Standy Liver, Mike Tyson, and Michael
Faceater of the totally Innocent Party. Yes, friends, let that
sink in this. These are your heroes that you keep
listening to. After which the team traveled late into the evening,
coming upon the town of West Cherry and several corpses.
After walking into a very very omvious, obvious ambush location,
the team was assaulted by invisible children with their wands
of magic missiles, which is where we pick up ready for.
Speaker 9: Combat voice in my head and down I want my
sentence wasn't done yet. Yes, there's a lot going on
right now, but I want to get back to you
about the Watts kracking face. I don't think I've ever
used that, and I'm not sure where you picked it
up from.
Speaker 7: Uh huh, Well, if it was a review, then oh yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, let's let's wet s more precious
times standing?
Speaker 8: What do you have?
Speaker 3: Let you have a talk? Is this what you want
to do?
Speaker 9: Well, I'm panicking right now, but.
Speaker 3: You should because you are one gorcera down, chows are
upon you. You should see yourself, all right, Jocerah.
Speaker 7: I always forget what happens between games, but uh, I
am now constantly reminded with animations that I'm also I'm
not only down, but I'm still not wearing pants.
Speaker 5: Were you ever?
Speaker 3: I read when I went back to the old episode
you were technically naked except for your hat. But the
animations have you with no hat now and I like it.
So you're just wearing a serapie made out of us
tarp cut a hole in the middle, and now you
are You look like Luke Skywalker, but without the clothes
underneath it just a big olcerape.
Speaker 9: So you just look like you've taken too many mushrooms
at a festival.
Speaker 7: All right, that's priority too. Okay.
Speaker 3: As you were walking down this path, you guys got
into position three little laser douts appeared out of nowhere.
Each of these children came out of a visibility and
shot you with a wand of magic missiles. You all
took a buttload of damage. And this is where we
pick up. What's it called me, give me your initiative role.
It's been so long, that's what it is. Yes, initiative.
Speaker 9: It's been it's been a long time since we took initiative.
Speaker 5: Well, I rolled and it showed me A twenty, but
it didn't show.
Speaker 3: Did you click on your character first in Roll twenty? Yeah?
Speaker 5: I did.
Speaker 9: He spent about ten years. It's today that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I was like, very do it right on the first.
Speaker 3: See what do the child predators get? They got to
roll there that's a D one hundred or fourteen. So yeah,
they go on.
Speaker 8: A sixty seven initiative that might be a little hard
to beat.
Speaker 9: Kid's a hypen.
Speaker 3: They get a plus one of their initiatives, so they
go on to fifteen, so top of the order. Okay, moog,
you were there, these children appeared, they all pointed their
watch at you, and they've been laughing at it, taunting
you ever since.
Speaker 8: All right, Well, how high up are they on these
these rocks?
Speaker 3: Okay? Each one? Like so the low the kid here
to that he is at this one right here, he
is at the lowest point of approximately eight eight or
ten feet off the ground.
Speaker 8: All right, So how easy would be for me to
get up there next to one like.
Speaker 3: You had five, ten, fifteen, twenty and I we need
an athletics roll to get upside because you're going to
be like basically leaping up there to try to get
to them. What you can do, but that'll be the
rest of your movement.
Speaker 8: That's fine, all right, acrobatics, she said.
Speaker 3: This is a pure bits of run and jump, so athletics.
Speaker 8: Athletics, that's even better. Okay, do I actually have a
roll button for this one?
Speaker 5: Ah?
Speaker 8: That's only an eight?
Speaker 3: Okay an eight? You well just try.
Speaker 9: He didn't have a hammy.
Speaker 3: Slip back down and lay here next to like you
know you ever, like tell when you were a kid,
you would run and jump and like you would plant
your leg and like, but the kne didn't bend when
you try to jump up something, and it just buckled
like oh ship, and like you pulled the hamstring fell backwards,
hit the ground. You are prone. That is your Yeah,
that's where you're at at the moment.
Speaker 8: All right, well then.
Speaker 9: That's an excellent response to children laughing at you.
Speaker 5: I'll shoot you kids.
Speaker 8: Oh god, my leg, my old man leg.
Speaker 7: God, that's two down and we haven't done anything yet.
Speaker 8: Unless he's laughed with me, I'll shut him up with
the ray with a ray of frost.
Speaker 3: All right, give me a all right, what's yours? Natural one?
Speaker 8: Jesus? All right? Okay, so I lay there and I
shoot the sky.
Speaker 3: Well I think, well, I think with the natural one,
give me a favorite. Roll me a your d four
odds kebeer even stand because your hand slipped and fell backwards.
He was swing your raise of four so so odds
evens you shot? You shot Stan with a ray of frost.
Stand take for cold damage.
Speaker 7: Please go downstand.
Speaker 9: I mean that's very close to killing me.
Speaker 8: Oh god, what the fuck was that for?
Speaker 9: I wasn't laughing at you.
Speaker 3: I mean it was funny.
Speaker 7: But his kids are laughing theirs that your l half.
Speaker 3: That was like, it's like it's basically everything. Like you've
gone to the zoo, You've seen like laughing baboons and monkeys.
That's basically what's happening here. These kids are this is
this is the best thing they've seen all day.
Speaker 8: We move's ready to die now, all right.
Speaker 3: Stan, you're up? Is I think I'm mistake? Cabar you
are up, sir?
Speaker 5: All right? Uh? I got two ways I can play this, uh,
but one one just seems more fun than the other.
So I will drop a healing word on Jorcerer as
a bonus action. Okay, uh, Jorcer, you are at eight.
I will use my action to wild shape into an ape.
Speaker 3: Okay, we can.
Speaker 5: I'll just put a little icon on my guy. It's
not quite an ape, but bear will work.
Speaker 8: But there's a big difference between bears and apes.
Speaker 9: An ape is just a more amusing bad.
Speaker 5: Actually, Gibby, could I have a token for this because
I'm gonna have to track a lot of stuff like
hit points and whatnot. That's perfect, that's great, Thank.
Speaker 9: You, needlessly adorable.
Speaker 3: There you go. Control by you all right?
Speaker 5: You can contrack that and then I am just going
to use movements to get over here kind of within
the rocky outcropping so that it's not easy for them
to target me.
Speaker 3: All right, stand.
Speaker 9: Okay, I'm going to use my bonus action to try
and heal some of the damage needlessly done to me
when he shot me in the ass with a ray
of frost.
Speaker 8: Sorry, moving up, mean to give you cold shoulder.
Speaker 3: We're gonna say where it hit. I mean, could have
hit you in the like, you know.
Speaker 9: The crotch. Oh well, probably, let's be real, Okay, So
bonus action, healing words, Okay, fineness pretty all right, considering
it's just a low level bart smell, I'll take it.
I'll take anything at this point. And I'm gonna use
my actual action to try and put these kids to sleep.
Speaker 5: Okay, that was actually gonna be my other plans, Steve,
So I'm glad. I want to see how this goes.
Speaker 9: Okay, casting sleep it's yeah, haha, very funny. Bedtime motherfuckers.
Speaker 3: All right, So, uh, for those with Fay ancestry, they
know that sleep spells and things to put them to
sleep don't quite work. So you cast your spell and
each one of the kid's magical masks that these can
be wearing crackles, and the kids just like shake their
heads like you can't put us to bedtime yet you
will fart no way man no, And then like so
your spell goes off and has no effect.
Speaker 9: Why had they elf children? Or can I can tell
what kind of tragical masks?
Speaker 3: It seems like the masks they are wearing are bestowing
certain blessings upon these kids.
Speaker 9: All right, I will relate information to the rest of
the crew. These little shits are cheating.
Speaker 3: Well is the little shit's turned. So this little shit
is going to use the ability to leap and land
over here, and he's going to, uh get down low.
This one's going to run up and give you a
shove and try to knock you over. That guy h
c shoving attack to knock you prone. Clever boys roll
with advantage for this with their athletics A twenty so hits.
Yeah yeah, so no damage. They are just knocking you.
You fall backwards over to this guy and are knocked prone.
No damage and uh one of them says to you
is like your mom's so fast. He takes us more
space than a gelatinous cube. And they high five each other.
Speaker 9: I didn't want to mess at children today, but I'm
getting that.
Speaker 3: And this one's going to move around with the rest
of his movement. This one is going to uh, he's
just going to tea bag move he come up here
and just tea bags on moog. Let me see this
one here sees Claudia. Fuck. Oh there's a monkey here. Sorry,
he's gonna go for the monkey. Uh, he's just going
to try to tackle the monkey. He's gonna jump and
like he's gonna jump off there and throw his body
weight on you. And he's going for a grapple.
Speaker 5: So again was like, okay, what what do we roll?
What do we roll for grapple?
Speaker 3: He's going he grapple so he uh he hits your
armor class, he hits a nineteen, so he gets you.
Now it's contested strength. It's so his strength versus athletics
or your acrobatics.
Speaker 5: Okay, uh, the ape has a five athletics. And then
what is his size as a child? Does he small?
Speaker 8: Medium, large?
Speaker 5: Because I know that comes into play.
Speaker 3: Well, you work on incondim as a medium because he's
a rough he's like a twelve or thirteen year old,
so he's not a little kid, but he ain't. He's
not a full adult either. He's just got awkward growth
spurt you know, So was a medium creature.
Speaker 5: Okay, then I think no bonuses either way because the
ape is also a medium all right, So just athletics, yep.
Speaker 3: So he's gonna go for his strength role versus your athletices.
Speaker 5: No that I didn't want the definition of athletics.
Speaker 8: I wanted you to roll like sixteen.
Speaker 3: So uh seven, he got sixteen because he's.
Speaker 5: Definitely he definitely did better.
Speaker 3: So this kid got This kid has you in a headlock,
and he says, hey, man, have you ever been mistaken
for someone who's actually competent? As he noogies your head.
Oh my god, this guy's so ugly and funny. He's
gonna he's gonna double move just to get on the
other side of Claudia, but he's gonna lose his action,
and same thing with this one.
Speaker 8: They're gonna get.
Speaker 3: That was gonna sprint all the way up into that's
both his movement and his action to get there. So
it's the end of the kid's turn. Uh yeah, it's
mixed up.
Speaker 8: Not the best uh round we've ever had.
Speaker 3: Droorcer, it's your turn. There's a child predator standing over
like the predator over you, the kid over you. He's
doing that thing where he spits a little bit and
it goes real far him. It's your eye, and they
sucks it back up and he lets it keep going down,
almost hits your eye, sucks it back up, and then
he goes for wet Willy. So it's your turn.
Speaker 7: I'm dead.
Speaker 8: No you're not.
Speaker 3: You have h Yeah, he gave you. He I held
you last, Drew gilling Word. You're an eight hit.
Speaker 9: You could just carry on pretending to be dead if
you like.
Speaker 5: For us, just assume Geors was trying to play possum.
Speaker 3: Was hey, Braiden, Yeah, Jaden. I can see this guy's balls.
They're so weird looking. This guy's baby balls.
Speaker 9: Gasp, all right, fire ball to.
Speaker 8: Yeah.
Speaker 7: Considering, I think I will do all right. I'm gonna
move first, and I apologize to Claudia on two three
four five, and I'm gonna.
Speaker 3: Web hang on real fast as you disengage.
Speaker 7: Oh I did not, all right.
Speaker 3: Then he's going to get a swing on you.
Speaker 7: That's fine, all right.
Speaker 3: He is going to try. He's going to actually just
he's going to try to grapple you, so you try
to restrain you from moving. That's what he's going to
go for. Natural one. Nope, this kid slips and falls.
Speaker 7: I need to oppose that.
Speaker 3: Nope, he went have you rolled a natural one on his?
So he slipped and fell in his own drool, little pile.
Speaker 9: I mean, really, what does Joe Strah has to grab
onto that somebody want to grab onto?
Speaker 8: Right?
Speaker 3: So you are you are definitely you are free to uh,
you are free to move my monkey. So you were
five spaces away? Feel free?
Speaker 7: One, two, three, four five. I'm gonna move over here,
and I'm gonna cast web on Claudia and the three
children surrounding her. Okay, let's where we web web. I
guess I don't really need to roll it because it's
not a roll thing. But I wanted to push a button. Okay,
so we was.
Speaker 9: Always gonna happen, and it's.
Speaker 3: It's a what is it?
Speaker 8: What is it?
Speaker 3: A fifteen foot square? How bigs a square?
Speaker 8: It is twenty foot cube?
Speaker 3: Okay, next web, Well that's a cube. Everything in there
is cubed. Correct.
Speaker 5: Yes, I'm gonna I'm gonna ask a question that we're
all gonna regret. Where does your where does yourser shoot
the web from?
Speaker 9: Thank you?
Speaker 3: I was I was gonna let that one go, but drew.
Thank God, good taste for vailing.
Speaker 5: So hey, I know what the people come to this
podcast for.
Speaker 7: The monkey and squirt the web.
Speaker 3: You could shoot it from your nude magical third nipple.
Speaker 9: Oh no, there are no there are no good options here.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean I guess, butthole is the most accurate
because then he's a spider. No more ideas, please, Claudia
has taken the.
Speaker 7: Brunt of this all right.
Speaker 3: So when it comes to your web spell, it's a
dexterity saving throw DC thirteen. So let's see. Uh, kid
who's laid down he is, He's going to fail automatically.
And the next kid to Claudia's north it gets uh
he's got he fails, and the other one but low
he succeeds. So he has not webbed this one here.
This kid managed to move out of your web. Oh
all right, Uh, Claudia, it's your turn, which I.
Speaker 5: Like to do.
Speaker 10: Uh does she have stuff on her?
Speaker 8: Well?
Speaker 3: First, I need you to roll at dexterity save DC
thirteen unless you two be webbed.
Speaker 10: It's not interacting with.
Speaker 3: Seventeen. Yeah, you're fine, seventeen six twenty three. So i'll
have you. You dodge out of the way and you're next
to this child predator. Okay, all right, so you are,
you are free and clear of the web, and there's
a kid in front of you. What would I get?
Speaker 11: Do I get anything sneaky as a bonus?
Speaker 8: Uh?
Speaker 3: If you were coming out of the shadows or something
like that, yes, and you were hidden, but you since
you are in plain sight and trying to staboicate, you
get no bonuses.
Speaker 7: All right, I will just she was hidden in sperm.
Speaker 3: Jorse web. She intentionally dropped out of it.
Speaker 9: It's cunning, impenetrable focade of induendos slipped.
Speaker 10: She has, she has a mask on, she is wearing protection.
Speaker 3: Well, you you two have a massa. You can roll
something down. Seventeen piercing damage. Jesus, you're gonna.
Speaker 9: Be timing that stuff out. You're for ages.
Speaker 3: There's no sneak attack on this. So it's just the
straight up damage shows the the seventeen hits and you
ate damage.
Speaker 12: To the kid, your little brat.
Speaker 3: Uh, it hurts him, It hurts him a lot. It's
like the kid is like, he looks down. Now he's
bleeding heavily on everything. He's like, there is no beholder's
eye in which you're beautiful. And he slips, and the
kid he's just laate, Like you realize you have just
stabbed a thirteen year old and he is bleeding profusely
and he looks like he is a hair's breath from death.
Speaker 10: Kid, you ever have sperm in your web in your.
Speaker 3: Eye since my time in the church? Oh okay, all right,
next up? Oh god, damn, top of the order, moog,
there's a kid. He is tea bagging and farting in
your face.
Speaker 8: I'm gonna stand up.
Speaker 3: He says, you're so stupid. Let they try to eat
your brain. It would starve.
Speaker 8: Let me ask a question. So when you're the opportunity
to eat his balls when you cast a cube?
Speaker 13: Finally, the perfect opportunity when you cast what when you
cast something that that gets cast in a cube, is
it automatically ground level or you can you raise it
a bit like if I wanted to cast a spell
that can encompass a few people but not necessarily destroy stan.
Speaker 3: Oh no, you can lay it off the ground. You
can like you can, you can work a three dimensional space.
Speaker 8: Okay, all right, then I am going to cast when
I stand up, I'm going to cast a thunder wave
just high and off off the ground to miss stand.
But to get these two.
Speaker 3: Kids, which which two kids? You would go on the
ones and.
Speaker 8: The one, the one the one next to me and
the one next to Stan. It's a fifteen foot cube.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you're not gonna be able to get them
both five ten fifteen. They're twenty five feet apart. Oh,
they're twenty feet apart, so you would not be able to.
Oh yeah, if you could stand and cast your spell
and almost get the ones over here, you can get
one or two, you can get one of them.
Speaker 8: You'd have to you know something. Fuck that. I'll stand up.
Speaker 3: Okay, half your movement.
Speaker 8: I will cast green flame blade on the kid.
Speaker 3: Well, you cast it on your weapon and you hit them,
and then I.
Speaker 5: Love that you have a weapon chatment on the kid.
Speaker 8: Thanks, And then I will use widow crippler.
Speaker 3: Okay, go for God? All right, all right, twelve to
hit missus.
Speaker 8: Okay. Then I will use my action surge and try again.
Fair enough, whack them all in this kid seventeen.
Speaker 3: Seventeen seventeen does hit for a total of ten dan
plus the fire.
Speaker 8: Right, yea, only one damage over the fire.
Speaker 3: But it doesn't matter. Uh. You you just murdered child. Yeah,
you got up kid. You swung at the first time.
The kid ducked underneath it stood up. It's like feeble
mind wouldn't even work on you, dude, You're so dumb.
Oh my god. And you action surge backs right into
this head and you took his head with the with
you with your mace, actually it was Widow Crippler. Is
your mace, right, Yep, you don't have that. You gave
that to the Ninja Turtle.
Speaker 8: Yeah, and yes, and you remember that at the end
of the last game, I called it back with my
weapon bond.
Speaker 3: Oh, that's right, you're correct, and we always me joked
about it flying back into your face. Yes, So, Widow
Crippler removes his head, this kid's head clean from his shoulders.
Speaker 8: And at which point Moog will say, Moog, know you are,
but what am I here?
Speaker 3: Jimmy, give me a quick give me so to me favorite,
give me a dexterity check, just a straight dexterity check.
Speaker 8: Okay, give me a number ten.
Speaker 3: Uh ten tens perfectly average. You hit him with the mace,
it beheads him. His body slumps over and you want
to stay reach out and catches the kid's head before
it hits the ground. And then that's what you say
to him. I know you are, but what am I?
So you are now holding a kid's head on your
stump of your of your mood, your other moog arm stump.
Speaker 5: So look have new hand, I mean on the p
side en shanton mask. Yeah, makes you mean to sleep
if nothing else?
Speaker 3: Uh? Next up is cut bear the expedient. You have
a child predator holding you, nuggying you. You can try
to break free again or just do something with him
because you're you're restrained, but doesn't mean you can't attack.
Speaker 5: Oh I'm grappled and that just means my speed is zero.
But it does not negatively impact my ability to punch
him one bit. No, not if I will be multi
attacking this young child.
Speaker 3: Yeah you should.
Speaker 5: You should two ape fists.
Speaker 3: You should lay right into his little kid.
Speaker 5: Eight and sixteen.
Speaker 3: The sixteen hits all right?
Speaker 5: Where would you like word damage?
Speaker 3: Where'd like to punch for four damage?
Speaker 7: Uh?
Speaker 5: Let's uh, let's see if I'm being nugging. It feels
like the most logical place I'd be able to punch
him would be the ribs.
Speaker 3: Sounds good to me. All right, so he's down. He
is down for the ribs. Okay, you hit him. He's like,
oh god, oh now, uh his loose. Let me see,
let me get me, let me go, let me give
my constitution. Will see because he's a kid. Uh, he's
he hangs on to the uh the hold. All right, Stan,
it's your turn.
Speaker 9: Stan will sit up from his prone position and use
vicious mockery on the child, which which currently wrestling Cabert. Okay,
he will say, hey, kid, we've got an actual woman
with us, and she's gonna tell every girl in your
village that you are spanking your monkey in public.
Speaker 5: Well done, all right, that was good, that was solid.
Speaker 3: He fails.
Speaker 8: They do not.
Speaker 3: Uh so he me another quick check with this advantage
now seven So yeah, uh he lets go of you
Kubert and his hands go to his head. He's like, oh,
and he is really really woozy. He starts crying, so
made big bubbles of snot and like a little bit
of piss comes out and his eyes are watering. Yeah
he's uh, he's not he's not looking so tough anymore.
Still got it, all right, Now it's a child predator's turn.
All right, these two inside the cub we're gonna try
to get out Summer rolled two D twenties, one for
each of them. One gets out, one does not. So
the kid over here gets free. This kid is still
prone and he is stuck. This kid who is dead,
So I'm just going to put him on the side.
He is dead. Uh.
Speaker 9: Stan will also say move. I probably should have said
this out the outset, but uh, we want to kill
as little children as possible.
Speaker 8: Killed little children.
Speaker 9: Let me check my grammar on that. Try not to
all right, try to try this, go for zero child
deaths if we can.
Speaker 3: Fellas say, well, we've all that up, all right, So
the kids, Okay, the one down here at the bottom
of the map who's been watching everything kind of like
the leader, he's like, he goes plan be everybody plan B.
I'll tell gam gam and he is going to touch
his mask and uh disappear. Uh. This one who was
older gone to Colbert, he too will touch his mask
and disappear.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 3: Now, Drew you sense him moving you like you're sitting
in the bushes and leaves. He does his mask, so
he's leaving your your area. If you want to do
a blind attack on him, you can. This is with
the disadvantage.
Speaker 5: Uh, you know what, I will, I will, I will
take the I will take it, I will. Uh is subdual?
Still a thing? Does anybody remember? Okay?
Speaker 3: All right, you can't you can't see, you can't see.
You're you're attempting to go for a knockout. You let
me know that ahead of time.
Speaker 8: That's fine.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm aiming to knock him unconscious, not pulp his head.
Speaker 3: Okay, fourteen, that's what disadvantage.
Speaker 5: Oh sorry, I'll just roll again and ignore the damage.
Speaker 9: Well, it missed.
Speaker 3: Here's the thing you missed anyway, so it doesn't okay, yes,
all right, so you miss it? You hear rustling the
leaves like Okay, these two they're not listening to the
leader because they got a lady here and they're not happy,
so they're going to try to punch, especially the one
who got stabbed. He's going to try to punch every
living shit out of uh Claudia. So he gets attacked
without advantage because the other guy's on the other side
natural twenty, so he's going to uh punch you with
his kid fist for a total of two damage.
Speaker 10: Fair oh brat.
Speaker 3: And the kid on the other side is going to
attack you as well, doing the exact same thing. Uh
so a fourteen plus, Yes, there's a fourteen miss this
fourteen hit or miss you miss? Okay? So one kid
punched you right right in the right in the nose,
just a little bit of bloody nose. The other kid
missed you horribly. So they are right there. That is there?
Speaker 8: Uh?
Speaker 3: That is there? Actually, yep, they should have used it.
Speaker 8: Oh.
Speaker 3: This what they'll do. They'll reach up and tap his mask,
use the bonus action to missy step over to here,
and he will do the same. They want to get
two good punches in. But now they're both this see five. Yeah,
that's about right, and put him here. Yep, okay, cool,
that's their movement. This other kid is stuck. He will
touch his mask and appear to go invisible, but he
is still apparently still webbed, so he might be dumb.
Speaker 8: All right.
Speaker 3: Next up is Jeorser or the Sorcerer.
Speaker 7: All right, Uh, Chorcer would like to do do?
Speaker 5: Do?
Speaker 7: Yes? Release a burning discharge at the kid that just
just appeared in the web.
Speaker 5: Oh, webs are flammable. Webs are specifically flammable.
Speaker 7: So yeah, it's always advised to not do that because
holding people in the web is better. But I've always
maintained that I will burn webs whenever possible. I'm going
to cast a firebolt at that spot.
Speaker 8: In the web where.
Speaker 3: Oh that's that's fine here, Yeah, go ahead, did that work?
So fourteen? Now you don't hit the child, but you
definitely hit the web. Five damage Okay, cool? H You
hear screaming. You hear screaming because everything goes up. Actually,
hang on, that would magnify the fire, right because it's
burns all the way around, because it's not just one
damage because the entire web going up, so it would
be five damage for each Okay, yeah, you hear screaming.
Speaker 8: And then like.
Speaker 5: All right, two masks and one erection.
Speaker 3: All right, so yeah, he's this kid reappears and he is.
You'll notice here is that the uh after he dies,
the mask melts away. It just evaporates into misting shadow.
Speaker 9: Was that also true? If the one move blitchreatetd.
Speaker 3: Yes, I was gonna tell you at the end of
the fight, but he says, you guys have asked twice.
I'm late. I'm letting you know now ahead of time.
After the kid dies, the Masks melt away into misting
shadow boo, Sorry about that.
Speaker 9: You're telling movie. Can't even rub these dead children.
Speaker 3: No, you may not rob the dead chip. All right, Claudia,
it is now your turn. There is a dead child
laying among this burned out web which is now technically gone.
There are two kids to your southeast, uh, standing there,
unsure what to do, and some of the kids who disappeared.
What do you want to do?
Speaker 11: She would like to shoot an arrow at the the
southernmost kid, who is most damaged.
Speaker 9: Okay, the weak You want to shoot the weakest child,
Just say.
Speaker 5: Yes, they opened fire, We're closing fire.
Speaker 9: Yeah, the fucking child's blunting this kid.
Speaker 7: Claw, You've got a hole in his chest and as
hard as stable doing tree the.
Speaker 9: Move the completely upsets the entire world are in. Claudia
pulls out a fucking shotgun for the for the fuck.
Speaker 3: Of it, just because just because they were running away
on account there's a sneak attack damage. You're standing the
shadows because it's funnier this way. I mean, he's gonna
die regardless. He had two hip points up when you
hit him for a total of nineteen. The air goes
to the back of his head with such force that
his entire face explodes out. Were like a shotgun blast.
You're just jfk this kid. Okay. He falls and his
friend standing next to him, why drops to his knees
and he's like declar why this is supposed to be
a game.
Speaker 5: Stay in school? Kid? God, I know it gets demonetized immediately,
but I want that scene to the T shirt so
bad and a glitter dude. Okay, say not.
Speaker 3: For nothing, but like listening, I need a child running away.
Speaker 5: Maybe if you make it a goblet or something, and the.
Speaker 3: Arrow and the air like but like the cameras, the
cameras and the kids falls out of free. You see
Claudia in the background, zooms on rise Stay at school.
Speaker 9: Oh my god, Stan will just kind of nudge everyone
got when we recount this tale. These these guys were
all over twenty one, right, They're all six foot two dudes.
Speaker 8: It's okay, they barely legal.
Speaker 5: I mean, I feel like somehow we're gonna have to
put this on the totally at a party.
Speaker 3: It won't hurt that they got They've got so much cred.
Speaker 5: Right now they can handle this ding. Yeah. If they're
gonna get the highs, they're gonna get the lows too.
Speaker 3: Mister face eater, it is your turn. There's one kid
left on the map.
Speaker 7: And another one that's all over the map.
Speaker 8: God so so so apparently what is it? What is
a body count? Now? For for as for killing as
few children as.
Speaker 3: Possible me see now only three for right now? One
kid survived, he was hurt, but he got away. Another
two that were like went invisible and they scampered off.
Speaker 9: So we're gonna have to like deliver full babies.
Speaker 8: Yea.
Speaker 5: The leader escaped, the one who niogied me escaped, and
then there's one who is weeping over his friend, who
I have a hunch is about to regret that.
Speaker 3: There was one of the top of the map too
that listened in like you was above you, so that
there's a there were five on the there were five
on the map.
Speaker 8: I think i'll ray acrost this one that hits.
Speaker 3: Yeah seven, Yeah, he is frozen stuck in place, still crying,
his tears over his dead friend crystallized on his face,
and he looks at you, why why not.
Speaker 8: God?
Speaker 3: His eyes on there, like, go ahead and do it.
Your mom's so ugly clerics try to turn her.
Speaker 9: Well right, I can see you've led nothing.
Speaker 3: That is his turn, Cobert, it's your turn.
Speaker 5: Uh. Co Bear is going to just kind of face
where the bushes were and make a gentle shoeing motion
and uh put his hand in and kind of rustle.
So it's impossible for anybody to tell what anybody else
might be rustling.
Speaker 3: Fair enough, fair enough that.
Speaker 5: That that that feels like a good use of my turn,
probably probably the best use I could do.
Speaker 3: The best part is it's like it wasn't even Moog,
it was Claudia.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah. There was like defensibility for most of them,
and then like the two running away just like oh, blittering.
It's like you will marry a closed casket.
Speaker 3: Damn it all right, you can't see about you can't
see without his glasses. They stand. There's a kid who
is near death, nearly dead, frozen over, laying there next
to the corpse of his friend, weeping.
Speaker 8: You want to finish him off another who can't see
because he has no face.
Speaker 9: Okay, as the old saying goes, obliterate a bunch of
kids first, ask questions later, And I do actually generally
want to interrogate this kid to find out what the
fuck is going on here. So I will approach and
do so if we can. You know, I'm assuming the
child's not stupid enough to to fight back, and then
they might be, but at this point it seems kind
of moot. I'll say, hey, kid, let's you and me
have a chat. Now. You've seen a lot of crazy
things today. No doubt you've learned some valuable life lessons
from today's adventure. But what I really need to know
from you is where the fuck are your parents?
Speaker 3: And that's that's what you're with your turn.
Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm not done.
Speaker 8: I don't know.
Speaker 9: The kid is half frozen looking at his dead, obliterated friend.
I'm not gonna shoot.
Speaker 3: What does does ray of frost?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 3: Freezing doesn't freem the ground. It's just an offensive spell.
Speaker 9: I recognize he's still potentially a friend.
Speaker 7: The movement, the movement, Yeah, I think it flows the movement.
By ten, I'm.
Speaker 9: Trying to calm the child.
Speaker 3: Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
Speaker 9: You know they want me to roll something to that effect.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know you can turn around your hat and
sit backwards and.
Speaker 3: Did you go full riker one leg over the thing
and like sit down like I can't.
Speaker 9: So so will your friends have been murdered? Let's rape,
let's rapid.
Speaker 3: So your body's changing.
Speaker 9: It certainly changed for your friend. Then I don't know
what the rolling. What's the opposite of intimidation.
Speaker 3: It's persuasion.
Speaker 9: I've used to play Brandon full team facilation.
Speaker 3: Okay, that's not bad, that's not bad.
Speaker 8: Let me see.
Speaker 3: Uh the kid looks at you, looks at his friends
like Graham, Graham's gonna kill you, and he touches his mask.
He turns invisible and then he starts. You hear movement,
he's not. He can't. He's stumbling because he's cold. So, uh,
there's no one around him right now unless someone is
war caster. There's no one around him to take a
to get an attack of opportunity on him. So does
anybody have war caaster?
Speaker 9: Well I'm going to suggest no.
Speaker 3: No, okay, well then he is going to no. Oh wait, no,
I do alright, if you have work, if you have
war caster, then you can use a spells and attack
of opportunity.
Speaker 5: I think we know he's going to, don't we all.
Speaker 3: Right, so he unless you kill this kid, he's going
to turn his one run off. So which plant?
Speaker 8: Well then I guess I guess we'll do So if
you put it like that.
Speaker 7: My heads are tired.
Speaker 5: Yeah what what? What can you do?
Speaker 8: A kid freeze? Oh h h okay.
Speaker 5: Well that was a natural twenty for that one.
Speaker 3: For the fans listening, that was a natural Thank you, Drew.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 3: So the kid goes to touch his mask and turn around.
He turns invisibly. It takes one step move. Being the
war caster and and an organ side of with full
El's bodies, he's accustomed to woodland, the nature he tracks.
The kid waits three four steps like oh yeah, it
takes a drag off a cigarette, puts behind his hee
like a French sniper, freeze and hit some of the
natural twenty. The kid reappears and just like a bad
DC villain, mister Cole falls, cracks, breaks and Terminator twenty
style head rolls a few times and that is the
end of the child Predator threats.
Speaker 9: I was going to suggest we tracked the kid to
whoever this Gam Gam is, but uh, I done thing
that's happening.
Speaker 7: Now that's okay. I think GAM's gonna find it.
Speaker 5: We haven't seen how far the head rolls yet, let's
not be pessimistic.
Speaker 9: We do seem to have like a starting indication of
where he was heading. I guess that's where his face landed.
Speaker 5: But it's just an arrow.
Speaker 8: You don't need to pull the pieces.
Speaker 9: A nice one move. But at the same time, we
really need stuff killing.
Speaker 8: Children well over, now we can stop.
Speaker 9: Oh, this is gonna need quite the steep redemption, HUC.
Speaker 5: I think, I mean they did start it.
Speaker 9: That's exactly the logic of thirteen your old child would
use against us after all.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, well they did start it, that is true. Yeah,
all right, So you guys are standing in the middle
of this particular pass on the way to the town
of West Cherry. You are standing on mid No let
me see one, two, at least three dead children. One's
got no face, once get shattered, and one was burned
to death. So you covered your bases elementally, So you
really fuck these kids up. So good job with that,
uh is there anything, you just want to leave the
bodies out, or you want to like, are just gonna
walk along your merry way continuing to the time.
Speaker 8: You know, the one who's head I knocked off, I
think Moog will walk over, dip his finger in blood
and just like on the rock here say courtesy of
Totally Innocent Party.
Speaker 11: I was gonna ask if any of them have pants
that would fit geor sure, but I really don't.
Speaker 10: Want to take.
Speaker 9: Just wearing a child's lads.
Speaker 3: Yeah, if you if you roll, are you gonna roll
the kids for their gear and stuff? Because the masks
are gone?
Speaker 9: Stand will say to moo, mook, I'm not sure if
we're invoicing for this one yet. Let's get let's let's
say how it plays out all right.
Speaker 3: On each kid, Like they're all there's like there's four
boys and one of them was a girl. The one
that moves heads of off was a girl.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 3: They're all roughly between the ages of eleven and fourteen
h or yes, uh, let me see they have like
standard kids stuff. So they had like you know, they
have a backpack of rucksack you know, with them and
like and it's got like you know, the fantasy version
of like you know, like goodola bars and and and
uh stick.
Speaker 8: Is there any lunch money we can steal.
Speaker 3: Between all of together about a thirteen silver.
Speaker 9: So well it's a staff, I suppice, uh you can.
Speaker 3: Steal the lunch of bulls, you know, like their versus
their version of road ration, so you can take that.
They had like you know, water flask things like that.
They're basically like they were. They were you what you
can get gather. They were built for uh or hiking, camping,
staying out in the woods. So they've been clearly out
here doing this a while. You're there. You check them out.
They're a little faro looking. Their hair looks starting to
starting to dread like a little bit. They have been
washed in a while. They're they're rather filthy.
Speaker 9: So stand well suggest that we stack these bodies up.
There may be nothing we can do for them that
look pretty. They died pretty hard. But if there is
something we could do from down the line, let's let's
keep them findable.
Speaker 7: I was thinking the opposite, but I didn't have a
spell to dog and I don't want to go through
the effort, but I thought we should bury them.
Speaker 5: It feels like just just lighting them on fire might
be the easiest.
Speaker 9: That I'm not taking like a bunch of child corpses
into town with us. That's not a great way to
start a conversation.
Speaker 5: We found these, it'll set a tone.
Speaker 8: Well, wait for this job. Are we being paid by
the body?
Speaker 9: We don't know? We're told to investigate the child predators.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, well we investigated the ship out of them.
Speaker 9: We've we've solved a few child predators, definitely. But yes,
Stam will say, but these are just kids. Somebody clearly
put them up to this. We defended ourselves. I'm not
you know, probably we'll lose a bit of sleep over that.
But let's just stack the bodies, uh not, say that
we did this for the time being, and see if
we can unravel this mystery and find out who the
real villain is. I mean, it looks like it does
right now, but hopefully it's somebody else.
Speaker 5: Ape noises.
Speaker 3: Stack the bodies up, all right, So you politely stacked
the bottom and put you guys here and copy of
the mine.
Speaker 8: You'll probably take a short rest while we're doing that,
because we also got kind of beat up in that one.
Speaker 9: Yes, stacking stacking child bodies is hard work. Everybody take fun.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you guys can take it. You guys can take
a short rest and use your hit dice and heel
back up if you like.
Speaker 5: Where's the short rest? But there it is? Sure? Okay,
So I'm currently.
Speaker 9: Don't you hear me?
Speaker 3: You get a like a one or anything down on those,
it sucks.
Speaker 9: I I think I've got the lowest I could roll possibly.
Speaker 5: Ever free.
Speaker 7: Well, I don't even see where my hip points are.
Speaker 9: That stands it. Old man, his recovery is not what
it once was.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, can you like click all your saves,
like like hit the three successes? Perhaps I'm not sure.
Speaker 8: Note to self, I might want to rethink retraining two
weapon fighting in the next level.
Speaker 9: Well, at least we're recovering a little bit, unlike these
children who never will.
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna do. I'm gonna cast good berry to
give myself ten of those. I'm gonna eat eight to
bring myself up to full hit point, and then I've
got just in front of everybody, and then I've got
two more. If anybody would like an additional two hit point, it's.
Speaker 9: Just an ape chowing down on berries.
Speaker 5: No, I shifted back to do my short rest and stuff.
Speaker 3: The best part is like one berry makes you feel full?
What do eight berries do?
Speaker 5: I just assume I'm horse farting like a mother. Control
will be shit like they're on a carriage ride going.
Speaker 3: I guess just an all you can eat protein buffet.
He's just like, oh my god, it's like steak and
shrimp and chicken, like back to back to back, Like
this is not gonna go well in the end.
Speaker 9: I'm only a fifteen I could do with a berry
despite the fact that it's being handed to me to
buy a cent of it is furiously shitting.
Speaker 3: Good bat of the farting centaur.
Speaker 5: That's my special trick. Whenever I need a boost, I
eat a bunch of good berries, light a flame behind
me and rock you.
Speaker 3: Know what you guys, If you guys can actually like
have jews or light that and certain if you practice
it once or twice, I'll let that be your special
like your animated like team move.
Speaker 9: That's exactly what.
Speaker 5: Were a few spell slots.
Speaker 3: But you get a good chump the ass, But damn it,
you will like that's.
Speaker 5: What berries are for there. If you do it right.
Speaker 3: It'll be like Doc Brown and Locomotive and back to
the future three. Every every burst gets you a little bit,
you know.
Speaker 9: So yeah, magical, I had the magic of Fantasy Adventure.
Speaker 5: All right, So stand takes one of the remaining good berries?
Is who wants the other? Is? Everybody full on hit points?
We can save it if we need to.
Speaker 10: Yeah, I'm good. How long did they last?
Speaker 5: Twenty four hours?
Speaker 10: Okay?
Speaker 3: Cool?
Speaker 8: All right.
Speaker 5: I will just hang on to the extra good berry
then until we need it.
Speaker 3: Smart all right, So is everybody ready to move on
to the next map?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, okay. Now when I move you over to
this map, it'll look like the town will be very
small compared to your tokens. This is not to scale.
This is like, this is his representation of the town
center itself. Because once you come into the West Cherry,
there are a lot of like hills or towns. There
are a little there are houses, home sets, farms and
things like that nestled in the hills over the place
you were coming down to the town proper. So each
one of these is the locations. To think of it
as a mini map, you guys would tell me where
you wanted to go. Anything you went to see and do,
and we work from there. You come into the town
of West Cherry itself down through the village proper, and
it is dour. I mean you pass kind of like
when you're walking into Hobbiton and like everybody everybody. Instead
of like happy, go lucky, plucky halflings, it's really sad
adults who are missing their children, that are missing signs
everywhere for kids, some of them martysts renditions, you might
recognize one or two. The place is down trodden. What
used to be a once vibrant life place full with
their cherry orchards and their cherry pies and their cherry
drinks and their cherry kool aid and all the cherries
that you had. It just seems like overgrown, a little thatched,
little little thorny. It's not nearly as nice as place
as it used to be. It feels prickly. There's something
in the air, and this deaf place definitely feels like
there's a there's a curse upon.
Speaker 5: It, child blood in the air.
Speaker 8: You know. There is one plus here is that like
you know, all these missing children's signs, since they were
all wearing masks, we don't have to do a deception
check when we say no, we didn't see them, Well.
Speaker 3: There's one or two you definitely saw, and one or
two you definitely recognized on the path. Uh so uh duh, yes.
And so you come within the town center itself to
the north. Uh you kind of like, I'll say, there's
a little you are here type ofthing to the north.
This is where the sheriff's station is in down here,
this is where the uh the local adventuring guild uh
has their headquarters. Uh. These are a couple of inns.
They also need to be shut up for the moment.
And the the mayor's mansion is up to the northwest,
but that appears to be under lock and guard, which
is also like close up for the shop for the moment.
There are some merchants about uh selling their wares around
the town square around the fountain.
Speaker 9: Okay, everybody be cool.
Speaker 3: Just this is more for representation. So if you as
you walk in again you see a few merchants, they
seem sad. Not a lot of busts and a lot
of commerce people faces down like have you seen have
you seen Timmy?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 3: I haven't, Like I said, I don't, I don't know
what's oh my god. Like there's just some sad moms,
sad dads. Uh, there's some you see some like workers
going in and out of the groves, but like they
their their hearts just aren't in it, you know, like
people are trying to work, but you the one thing
that is definitely breath. There are no kids running through
the town. There's like no hoops with sticks. There's no
little that little ball on a string and a cup thing, none,
none of that you've seen in the idyllic town crap.
It is like it is. It's just a sad place
right now.
Speaker 9: Nice and quiet.
Speaker 7: Holy crap. The one thing I have in my inventory
is a bag of clothes.
Speaker 3: There you go, Blicks, that's another one. I described a sad,
sad town, and everyone's like, sniff, I got these back
of clothes. Things are looking up.
Speaker 5: I just love that You've been pantiless for how many
episodes of the game the whole game, well.
Speaker 9: Is playing on his sweatpats away.
Speaker 3: We remember you you found a bag of clothes at
the there was the necromancers under the inn. You found
a bag down there.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, but I didn't actually wear any clothes.
Speaker 3: I guess you just found this. It's like this, you
fat us. You felt liberated.
Speaker 10: So wow, Claudia would like to go speak with.
Speaker 11: Is there is there anyone around, like just standing there
that she can.
Speaker 10: Go talk with?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I mean there's merchants selling foods and drinks.
Some some people have got like you know, Nick Knack's
brick of bract. One person seems to be have called
uh uh the excuse me, the wagon of of odd
magic items. Uh, there's there's like I said, there's adventuring
guilt here now on duty Mac of all trades and
the sheriff stations to the north, so.
Speaker 8: We should see what we can buy for twelve silver.
Speaker 9: Suddenly not a good night's sleep.
Speaker 11: Claudie would like to go to the magical items person.
Speaker 10: I think you said right out here it's over here, over.
Speaker 11: Here, and say you all have a terrible pest problem
in your forest.
Speaker 10: Out there, they're.
Speaker 3: Que I got a map for that. Wait, wait one second,
So you all go over there, and there is this
crazy lady with bright pink glasses and a pink chiffon
and pink haired. Hi, young lady, how ii I'm pink
rad What can.
Speaker 5: I sell you?
Speaker 10: Cool lord?
Speaker 3: She's she's sitting on top of the cart, her little
her little stubby old lady legs is dangling.
Speaker 10: Do you have any dresses?
Speaker 12: Nope.
Speaker 3: I sell magic items. Magic They tend me like defective
magic items, sometimes cursed. Sometimes they're yeah, secondhand magic items.
I specialize in the things that other people don't want.
You know, if you need a h you know, uh,
I don't know a wand that explodes every once in
a while, either the enemy, sometimes yourself. You never know.
You never know what you might need. Uh. You know,
if you need a prosthetic limb, if you need an
airsat's eye, if you need something to replace a body
part is sometimes I have that in stock. Sometimes I
have a you know, different magic hats and potions, and
I have a whole lot of cocaine.
Speaker 9: I was about to say, you're a terrible salesperson, but
you really boarded back at the end and there move.
Speaker 10: Do you want some cocaine for your stub?
Speaker 8: Does cocaine grow a new hand?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 6: It is?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 3: What we do is we distill old what you know,
potions do eventually wear out, so you've seen it. Potions
of speed.
Speaker 9: Well, if you.
Speaker 3: Distill that down and you let it dry, out and
you're saying you cook it down. Oh my god, it
does the same thing. It might give you a heart attack,
but it is. I'm on it right now and I'm
feeling great. I do have She looks down and sees
your stump. She's like, I do have prostet magic prosthetic hands,
prosthetic limbs. Oh unless you unless you're unless you're attached
to your stump.
Speaker 8: I'm sorry, I don't tech technically stump attached to me.
But what do you do? Magic prosthetics with pavement plan perhaps?
Speaker 11: Uh now, what's the price range for a prosthetic hand?
Speaker 3: Let me see? One hundred and fifty gold. This is
just it's just standard wonder side and I've got one left.
Unfortunately un least she's looking at you like you you
lost your right hand or wild.
Speaker 8: Change, you lose right right hand?
Speaker 3: Yeah, she has a she has a second left hand.
So that's the best I got. And every once in
a while it goes on the fritz. But I I
can sell it to one hundred fifty gold.
Speaker 8: I'm actually trying to here how much cool to have?
Speaker 11: I have twenty two and the thirteenth silver, Like I just.
Speaker 10: Added that.
Speaker 9: The rub abandoned stick option is still on the table.
Speaker 10: Move true, pink riator. Do you buy things?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Do what what you have terrible secrets? Well?
Speaker 10: I think I still have a platinum mirror.
Speaker 7: What if we could give you six real hands?
Speaker 3: I don't need that deer. Okay, you see if she
goes at her head, turns around into the car, she's whoa, Okay,
what are we dealing? Who are you again? How are
we here? I like that platinum mirror. That's fancy, straight
up trade you for it.
Speaker 11: You're welcome to have this mirror mood if you want
one of the other. If you want a second left hand, wow,
you can pass though.
Speaker 10: I'm okay with that.
Speaker 8: I'm I'm trying to envision, like, you know, functioning with two.
Speaker 5: Left hands that maybe hold out for a ten?
Speaker 9: Did you still do two handed fighting if you've technically
got the same hand, I don't know how it looks.
Speaker 10: Two lefties don't make her right.
Speaker 5: I feel like your mirror might be worth a hand
that doesn't fit. Yeah, it's pretty and platinumy.
Speaker 3: Like see look you just you just like yeah, it's
all I got to see see this hand and yeah,
I know it's on the left you, but you just
put it on the other side, so you're either your
palms will face in the same direction or you flip
it upside down, so you have a pinky up the
and the thumb down. And did it feel weird? But
you could technically use it for a second hand?
Speaker 8: Oh yeah, yeah, it's she is right. I mean it
could just be an upside down thumb. That's not the
worst thing in the world.
Speaker 9: I think you're underestimating how important it is to have
your thumb in the right place.
Speaker 11: But don't, don't settle mook.
Speaker 10: We can find you something better.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 10: How much will you give us for this mirror?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Well, it's since it's a straight up trade, i'd say yeah.
I probably one hundred and fifty gold for it. Yeah,
that sounds about right. That's what pig readacts.
Speaker 11: Does anybody else want anything that we can bargain for?
Speaker 8: Uh?
Speaker 3: You do me your favorite?
Speaker 7: Now?
Speaker 3: You you're a thief? You are a rogue type? Is
anybody like so you've been around loot Stan, you you
have a you have anybody who's got a thieving background?
Give me a perception check.
Speaker 11: Okay, I guess that's the worst That mirror.
Speaker 3: She's holding is easily worth a thousand.
Speaker 10: Gold Uh, Stan, maybe you should care this.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you don't know that.
Speaker 9: I will say, Claudia, that bear is as this lady
probably knows where farm would what she's asking. I blame
the match and dies if.
Speaker 3: You try peak read. Oh, you are a sore. She
sees you for early, notices you for the first time,
the silver fox that you are. She starts to like
lift the girls up one at a time from her
waist all the way back up to the chest, getting
back into place. How you doing gonna go for rolling.
Speaker 9: The heck, you're wasting your time, lovely. Me and my
penis are not on speaking terms and have not been
for some years.
Speaker 3: Oh, then you need some of this cocaine, you know.
I'm just you can do wonders.
Speaker 9: Yeah, they tell me. It's kind of a catsual solution.
Speaker 3: That opium. It's the best.
Speaker 9: But perhaps not right now. I wonder if you could
perhaps tell us what's going on. We knew in town
and we definitely haven't had any incidents coming into town.
Why everyone's so down?
Speaker 3: Well, I assume you saw the signs on our new
new management. Yes, apparently some some of the kids, you know,
guess kids do go going to the grove, uh, past
the cherry groves to where East Chair used to be.
Now that's our old burned down town. It was about
eighty eighty five years ago when I was a little girl,
and to burn that down because it was under a curse.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 3: Years of go and buy and kids would go to
the grove in the old town. And something something woke
up and uh, now the kids are now the kids
are uh you know, you know, uh, murderous psychopaths. They
showed up with magic masks. And every time we send
somebody in there, they don't come back. Uh, So we
put out of town with the uh put out a call.
The sheriff went to the adventuring Guild and put out
a call looking for adventures who are willing to go
and uh, you know, help everybody out And uh so
far no one showed up yet. Are you sure you
want to fuck, work some cocaine or fuck while on cocaine.
It's been a while, dear.
Speaker 9: It suddenly has what's sort of in the middle of
something concerning actually the root of the problem. But he's
missing children, not that we're the cause of the problem
at all. Yeah, I guess. Uh, I suppose whatever is
in these cherry is the reason that for all these
springing up child predators.
Speaker 3: No, it's not the cherries here. The cherry's been around
for love when back when this used to be a
druid grove. Now now the town of East Cherry.
Speaker 7: Uh.
Speaker 3: You know a little while on the other side of the grove,
you used to be our town, and it got under curse.
So the mayor rest u is she in her in wisdom?
She decided that she was just gonna burn the old
town down and we move. We move west on this side.
Now we're West Cherry. We rebuilt.
Speaker 7: Uh.
Speaker 3: Well, then the old curse seemed to woke up and
took our kids from us.
Speaker 8: That's so good.
Speaker 9: Yeah, so setting fires that the town didn't.
Speaker 3: Help m uh kind size twenty twenty at all?
Speaker 9: Uh okay, Well, unless everybody needs uh cocaine or sex
with an old lady. I suggest that we perhaps find
out what's going on from this maya character.
Speaker 3: Uh you won't see the mayor she has uh uh yeah,
her doors are locked right now. Your best shot is
you got the Sheriff's probably your best bet.
Speaker 8: So we should we should go see sheriff and see
what going on, while also mentioning that we have done
no atrocities, entering tone limits.
Speaker 9: Yes, I feel like we should lead with the head. Well,
maybe don't say that, because you sound very suspicious right now.
Speaker 3: Does any what's the cocaine? The first bumps free?
Speaker 9: I'm suggesting that before we go and see the sheriff,
we don't get high on cocaine.
Speaker 8: Let move know when magical left hand is on clear
and sell, I mean right now.
Speaker 3: I'll I'll trade you that mirror right now, you got
a you got a magical left hand.
Speaker 11: No, we're going to hang on to the mirror. But
did you say that you have free cocaine? Because I'll
take a little for the road.
Speaker 3: Oh, everybody gets their first bumps free. After that, you
gotta come back and pay dere So yeah, she'll it's all.
She'll hop down and put it, give you a bumps
worth underath your nose.
Speaker 10: Well, I was just gonna save it for later. Geez.
Speaker 8: But okay, all right, Uh just right through the mask.
Speaker 3: Do you snort through the quala mask?
Speaker 7: Uh?
Speaker 10: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Well right, okay, So for the for the next for
the next ten minutes, you move in double speed you
have an extra bonus action every round, and at the
end of that ten minutes, I want you to give
me a constitution save. Uh, it's a at the beginning,
it's easy. It's like DC two. It's very minimal. This
is to see whether or not your heart stops moving.
But because you're you, you don't have to worry about it.
So you're dead.
Speaker 9: You could do as much cocaine as you like.
Speaker 5: You.
Speaker 3: Uh, you might actually feel your old dead. Yeah, yeah,
so you actually might have feels something actually pumped once
or twice in your chest. That feels that good. You
have a lot of great ideas, none of them are good,
but you also have to urge. You have an urge
to do a lot of push ups, so yeah, do
that as you see fit.
Speaker 10: Noise.
Speaker 3: Okay, well if you if no one else wants to
like you know, you know, give an old lady and
I throw the throw the old lady a bow and horror,
some cocaine or buy my goods. Uh, then get the
fun here.
Speaker 9: Okay, lovely, thank you for your time. Maybe we'll catch
you later. Have a good day. We're off to see
the sheriff, I suppose. Okay, everybody again, be cool.
Speaker 10: Oh, by the way, is cocaine illegal here?
Speaker 3: It's a long time to ask. You don't know. Okay,
So you guys go to the north end of town
and this is where you come in.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 3: You come inside a well lit, well kept at first
shriff station. There is a there's a human man passed
out behind his desk. Yeah, there are bottles of wine
open everywhere, and a big mount of cocaine on his desk.
There are there there are reports and everything on letters
on all these tables like big kid missing kid, missing
kid missing kid missing and.
Speaker 9: Yeah, looks like we can relax about the cocaine thingment.
Speaker 8: So so, so the sheriff is unconscious, yes, so, well,
he's laying down.
Speaker 3: You haven't checked if he's the conscious or not.
Speaker 8: So well, we'll find google, walk over and just tap
him on the forehead there. See if he wakes wakes.
Speaker 3: Up, Uh, he kind of grumbles farce a little and
rolls back over.
Speaker 7: Wait, are we not going to steal all this cocaine?
Speaker 8: Yep, take out widow crippler and crush his skullf Jesus Christ.
Speaker 3: Give me a tackroll, No, give it's with it?
Speaker 5: Well six and fourteen I think he technically has advantage
since the guy that's that's.
Speaker 3: Why he's got the advantage of them. I'm doing the
fourteen with the advantage. Ask questions first, fuddly enough, you
don't hit?
Speaker 8: Oh, thank god Jesus well does the does the impact
into the desk next to his head? Does that wake
come up?
Speaker 3: He kind of opens one eye and looks at you.
Speaker 8: What mop was just trying to try to see if
you were awake?
Speaker 3: Not so loud, not so loud, not so loud.
Speaker 8: We have come to be deputized.
Speaker 3: Why are you? I mean, who sent who? He looks
he's gonna puke. Hang on, Nope, No, I'm good. I'm good.
He stands up, wobbles a little bit, goes over to
his desk, roots around for another bottle of wine, finds
and he goes like finds these two in the end
and just starts picking them up and like just getting
the last little bits of each one. Who are you?
Why are you here?
Speaker 8: What do you want?
Speaker 9: Stan will quickly step in front of me. Yeah, wait,
they're totally innocent. Past had been sent by the inventor's
guil to look into your missing child problem. We were
told we'd get old the support we needed and money.
Speaker 3: Uh you, I say all that again.
Speaker 9: Uh totally innompathy from The Adventures Girl Missing Children bonus reward.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, uh yeah, sure man. He goes over to
his his desk. Royer here pulls out the shittiest like
the badges that are meant for kids and tosses one
to each of you. Great, your deputies go to East Chairity,
find the curse, break the curse, save our kids. I done,
I'm done. I'm done. I can't anymore these people like
every time I send somebody in THEO the die. So
you know what, fuck it?
Speaker 8: Wait, wait, fuck it? You quitting? No, you've moved, badge
moove sheriff now.
Speaker 3: No, no, your deputy, I'm not I'm not you know, no,
your your deputy. Okay, So do you do you have
any idea what it's like dearly with that mayor that
that elvish bitch. She is, she's so high on herself
and she is just she Oh god, I'm done. I'm done.
I'm done. So great, you're you're, you're, you're you solve
the problem. I haven't been sitting here working on reports
and trying to find kids and dealing with their families. No,
she hides in the mansion.
Speaker 8: So great, all right, let us go see Elvish Meyer
to have good luck.
Speaker 3: You ain't getting inbody.
Speaker 8: Nice friendly conversation.
Speaker 3: You ain't getting in pal uh.
Speaker 9: Perhaps we avoid that for the time being. So yeah,
what exactly is the bonus payment per child dead or
alive that we bring back?
Speaker 3: What you're supposed to just help us break the curse
and stop the child predator curse. It's turning all the
kids get turned into some kind of weird dark fay magic.
That's all we know. It's like something some kind of
evil something over in the other Old East Cherry. But
that's that's that's our best guess. And everyone we said
comes back dead, So good luck, well have fun.
Speaker 9: Vague evil does not forget vague bonus payment options. Baby,
that's a mistake you've been making with these other people.
Have you been telling them, I go fight the vague evil,
maybe you'll get paid.
Speaker 3: Dude, Okay, listen, I don't like that's that's between you
and the Adventure and Guild. If you took the contract,
they got you something. If you if you if you
happen to get if you hate you know what ectione
hundred goal for every kid you save nice.
Speaker 8: And bite save, let us define.
Speaker 3: Live reunited with their parents, living and happy in a
hold like.
Speaker 9: That stack of cocaine? Is that all please to be
going on with?
Speaker 11: Are these masks over here on this table?
Speaker 3: They're letters?
Speaker 10: Okay, god Mine, I.
Speaker 9: Suppose we should ask about things. Actually, what can you
tell me about mysterious masks? Not that we've seen any,
but we've had rumors that some of the these Faye
folks are wearing mysterious masks.
Speaker 3: Listen, all we know is that kids who went off
came back changed, they got masks. Now they've got weird
Fay powers, and they they've got these magic wands to
come out of We don't know where they got them from.
And they've been killing townsfolk and killing people left and right,
and they come every night and they attack and they
run off with stuff, and there are hoodlums and it's
they weren't like that before, but every since I've been
wearing the masks.
Speaker 8: Is there anybody in town named Grand Grand.
Speaker 9: Graham Graham oh Gam gam or Gam.
Speaker 3: Oh gam Gam. Huh? Well, there was okay, there was
a well, shit, he's ruffles to his papers here. He's
like back when this town used to be East Cherry,
before my time, there was this She was kind of
like this old druid lady that, like the mayor would
argue over and they they argue with the town's curse
whether it wasn't. They wanted to move everything, and gam
Gam was completely against it, and the mayor opted to
burn the old town down due to a curse or
a plague or something like that. I don't remember the
deal is, but gam Gam was this friendly, sort of
witchy druty lady. That's why why do you.
Speaker 8: Ask just out of curiosity?
Speaker 9: Yeah, we're investigators. We are the is as investigating, you know,
just asking basic questions about things that okay or may
not have come from the lips of a dying child.
Speaker 3: Wait what was that?
Speaker 9: I got nothing? Anyway, you get back to doing whatever
you were doing. I'm sure you're very busy. Will each
take a handful of cocaine and see you later.
Speaker 3: Uh, he has got a mountain of it right there,
So each of you can take a like that, like
a little roll you can roll the parchment, Yeah, a
little like envelopes worth of cocaine.
Speaker 9: So yeah, I will take that might be useful.
Speaker 7: I was planning to fill one of those empty bottles
with it.
Speaker 9: So good, that's basically Coca cola.
Speaker 8: Oh, I want to take enough work and selling, maybe
buy buy it a hand.
Speaker 9: We don't get distracted with a business venture.
Speaker 3: Right now, we're gonna try to sell the cocaine back
to the distributor who was Ancreedom Like good luck.
Speaker 9: It seems like they probably got a cocaine needs met
in this town in the moment. That's what you get
when you live a child free existence.
Speaker 7: I was thinking about using it to poison something.
Speaker 5: We'll see.
Speaker 9: There's lots of ways we can abuse.
Speaker 5: Dract definition of poison there.
Speaker 8: Whatever the case, we're the law now, yeah, Texo.
Speaker 3: As of right now, the Dicey Bassards are in fact
deputized under the authority of the Sheriff Brian Quinn to
investigate what the old ruins of East Cherry and try
to figure out what is exactly going on with this curse.
And I think this is a good place to end
this particular episode after such wonderful child's death. Again, Claudia,
I can't thank you enough for really really putting that
kid down. Clearly deserved it.
Speaker 8: You know.
Speaker 5: The law and the law.
Speaker 10: I'm a nurturer.
Speaker 3: So before we sign off, does anybody have anything they'd
like to say to our our friends, our family, our
guests out there.
Speaker 9: No, we'll just let the stun silence of.
Speaker 5: Just keep on horsen.
Speaker 3: Stay in school, kids or else. Emileast coming for you.
Speaker 9: I'd say though, to drugs, he says, as he fills
his pockets with cocaine.
Speaker 3: Heavelie Kaplan, Robert Evan, Andrew Hayes. I'm MBA Gibson. We're
the Dicey Bastards and you've been great. Thank you all
so much, and we'll see you all next time. Bye everybody, Bye,
bye bye.
Speaker 9: You've been listening to Dicey Bastards, brought to you by
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Speaker 12: See it there, your little brat