Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back to talking Schmidt. You guys,
I'm your house, Britney Schmidt. Biggie Small's is chiming in
in the background. Hi, Hello, Hi, besties. What's going on?
Oh my god, Biggie Biggie, he's so vocal. Yeah, you
want to say hi to all the besties? You want
to come say hi? Wont come hang out? You're protecting
our house. You're protecting our house because you're a very
good boy. Oh my gosh, Hi, besties, how are you?
What's going on? You probably noticed I'm still in the
interrogation lighting. I ordered the parts to fix the problem
last week, and then they got ruined when Amazon delivered them.
And you know, that's just how everything's going. How is
it March? How is it March? You guys? It feels
like nineteen ninety eight. It feels like the turn of
the millennium. Like I'm burying a fucking time capsule in
my backyard under the dirt, so when the aliens find it,
they know that I fucking liked in sync. Okay, I
don't know what's going on with time. It's not real.
It feels like yesterday was November. I'm very confused. I
hate it here. Hi, me and my mental illness are
here checking in on you. What's been going on with me?
All right, you guys? I really want to tell you
the tea. I really want to tell you the tea
about everything that's been going on, but I might have
to be quiet, and that's a really bad place to
be in it. And I don't know if there's anything
I could have done to you that's more violent than
say I have fucking gossip for you and then not
tell you. That is an act of violence. And I'm sorry.
You guys did not deserve that on this Monday morning.
Mondays are hard enough as is, and now you feel
left out. Here's the thing. I might tell you later.
I might dish later, but I just have hot fucking tea,
you guys scolding. I don't like having to exercise keeping
my mouth shut either, because that's just like, it's not
what I'm here for. I'm here to yap, you know. Anyway.
I'm in Palm. I am still trying to get acclimated.
I obviously obviously lost my iron in the move somewhere,
because this fucking shirt looks like a crumpled up love
letter that I was like rewriting ten times to like
some toxic guy three years ago. Oh, dear Diary, dear Diary. Okay,
this is not going well. This isn't going well. Everyone
else realized this isn't going well. I'm gonna have a
fucking stroke anyway. I lost my iron and my sanity
in this move. But that's okay because we're here together.
You guys have been sending me so many wonderful messages.
Thank you so much. I love you from the bottom
of my hearty, and like all those little messages keep
me going, you know they really do. I am so
unbelievably sore right now, you guys. I did a pilates
class for the first time ever, and oh my god,
I worked muscles I didn't know I had. It's I
can't lift my stomach to get out of bed in
the morning. I didn't know that deep of a core existed.
I feel like I worked out like the center of
the fucking earth in my body. I didn't even know
it went that deep. I didn't even know. I just
didn't even know. And now I'm just really sore and
I'm tired, and this podcast isn't making a ton of sense.
But that's a gay and that's okay. We're all along
for the journey. I went to this plotates class in
West Palm Beach and listen. It really makes you work
really really deep muscles. And maybe maybe I took a
cleanse pill the night before, and then maybe when I
was on the reformer, I farted allegedly cannot be confirmed
or denied. I farted so loud and this girl next
to me, so I went with my new friend here
and I thought she heard, and then I looked over
and she just kind of like gave me a look.
And I was like, oh, no, she's mad at me
because I farted in this class. And then I looked
the girl next to me. She's a big bitch. Okay,
she was a big boned Sally, and that's good. She's
at PILOTATEI she's doing the damn thing. I'm not judging her.
Big bitch gave me the evilst of evil eyes. She
glared at me, and I know she was so mad.
She was so mad because I did it and she
knew I did it, and everyone was gonna think it
was hard, but it was me. I'm here to say
it was me, and I'm not sorry. I can't. Fucking
I can't. I don't. There's too much stress in the world.
We're expected to hold our parts in like it's just
the world is hard enough as is, and then there's
air trying to leave our body out our ass and
we're supposed to clinch so hard we don't let it out.
I don't have that tight of a grip on anything
in my life. You think I have that tight of
a grip on my asshole, You're out of your fucking mind.
I'm doing my best to keep my emotions inside of me. Okay,
I'm doing my best to tuck in the fucking crazy
with mister Manhattan and not let him know that he's
dating a three headed fucking monster. Okay. I can't also
be expected to keep my bodily fucking gases within me.
It's too much. It's too much pressure. A girl can
only take so much. I'm gonna fucking snap anyway. Palm
Beach is going great. I will say I said this
last week. I'm gonna say it again. I feel like
I'm on planet inflation. This is the most expensive city
I've ever been into my entire life. I don't know
what's going on here. I asked my friend. I was like,
I need a blow up or I'm gonna blow my
fucking brains out. And she was like, here's a girl,
she's amazing dead that die go to book it. Ninety
five dollars, ninety five dollars to blow dry my hair,
my four teen hairs. I laughed. I was just like,
do you want to shit in my fucking mouth? Like?
What is going on in this place? Why is everything
so expensive? Does everyone really have that much money? I'm befuddled.
I'm literally gonna fly back to La. I'm gonna fly
back to La to go get a blowout in his
spray ten because this town's filled with crooks. They're holding
me hostage at fucking gunpoint. Speaking of crooks, my designers, ooh,
I'm just gonna let you in high lines so you
guys can like understand why I've been so fucking angry
about this, why it's sitting so deep within my soul.
I didn't think they stole from us. I really didn't think. So.
I really just thought, hey, we don't like the two
couches you put in our house. Give us the receipts.
And then they got really defensive and they're like, dude,
what did you not think that we can actually spend
the money? And I was like, why are you reacting
like that? We're just saying we don't like it. Design
is the most subjective thing in the planet. You surely
must have had somebody tell you before in the past
that they don't like the work that you've done, and
then you have like a normal business reaction to that.
They got so defensive and so angry and so like,
and another thing, they threw everything they've ever done for
me as friends in my face, and I'm like, why
are we bringing this shit up? Like I'm so actually
genuinely confused, Like What's what's going on? We just don't
like the fuddy duddy fucking furniture you put in our apartment,
that's all. We're just trying to unclutter our fucking sim's
house because you guys got in here and just like
regurgitated Ashley showroom furniture all over the floor, and we
just want to undo the shit you guys did. They
got very nasty, very very nasty, and I was confused,
and I had to get past my I had to
get past my feelings being hurt, obviously, because I'm a
fucking human being, and they threw everything they ever did
for me as friends in my face, and I was like,
wait a minute, have you guys just been like waiting
the entire time we've been friends to like throw the
shit in my face. They refused to give us the receipts,
which I thought was odd. So when I was doing
I started a dispute on the charge. And when I
was doing that, I found some egregious differences and prices,
Like they tried to say this sheepskin that's in our
apartment was two hundred and eleven dollars. It's a fake
fucking sheep skin from Amazon. I found it in two seconds.
It was fifty six dollars. I was like, huh. Interesting,
And my mind still did not go to worst case
scenario because I'm still giving them the benefit of the
doubt and I still just want them to send me
the receipts, and the whole time, I'm holding out hope
that my fucking fake friends did not rob me and
my boyfriend the second we came into Palm Beach. So
I just started the chase dispute and we're going back
and forth on email, and then they said we're not
giving you receipts, but here's money back. I'm not gonna
say what amount of money. It's one fourth of what
they spent. And I was like, why would they do
that instead of just giving us receipts. This isn't making sense.
And then I fucking got a rage. Mambala, I got
a rage. I was like, these fuck robbed us. I've
pulled off every fucking skew number off every piece of
furniture in this apartment. And I called and I went
into the furniture stores and I said, how much does
this cost? When I say, they inflated everything by forty
to fifty percent, every single thing, I can't be sure
they didn't steal more because there were some things like
from home goods and shit, I'm not going to home goods,
you know, but we can assume that your chotchkeys you
got from home goods weren't seven hundred dollars. The one
that made me wooh, they tried to charge us seven
hundred dollars for rug pads. I went bursart, bitches, I
went nuts. I'm like, are you, first of all, who
the fuck do you think you're I'm Nancy fucking drew
on this, bitch, I don't have anything else to do.
You're not dealing with some desperate housewife who's like got
all the money in the world. Like, the amount of
money we spent is very substantial for both of us.
It's a lot of money, a lot, Like let's just say,
it's a lot of fucking money. That's how much we
gave them. And they gave us two fuddy duddy fucking
couches and tried to lie to us about what they did.
And here's the thing. I I should have known from
the start something was off because the girl who's in
charge of design. Not gonna say names, because I'm being
as nice as I fucking can, she sent us one
nasty fucking email when we said we just want receipts,
Like the email that came from mister Manhattan wasn't even mean.
It's just like, we don't like it. That's subjective, that's
our call. We cannot like it. Also, design is probably
the most subjective thing in the planet. It is within
our right to not like what you did to our house.
But objectively, when you're looking around this apartment and you
know what furniture I brought from La which is half
of it, and then what furniture got put in here?
You're like, where did the money go? Where did the
fucking money go? And then they came back with more money.
We just want to handle this privately. Want I was
suck my fucking whole entire dick and my ass while
you're down there fucking suck it like I. I'm not
a nasty bitch. I'm a pretty reasonable bitch. This whole time,
I wanted to be like my friends. Didn't fucking just
rob us blind. I would have rather been robbed at
fucking gunpoint because I would never have had that much
money on my person. I would have never had that
much money. I mean, nobody would have ever taken that
much money. And the trauma I can take, the fucking
trauma of a gun being held up against my head.
You don't think I've done that to myself? Oh, I'm
just kidding. I have it, but like you guys, So,
I just want you guys to understand why I'm so
fucking worked up about it. We're still not done with it.
And even had they fucked this project up royally, which
they did, I would have still recommended them to friends
because I still thought they were great, But now that
I know they're crooks, that's a different fucking story. The
worst part about it is when I told all of
my friends, nobody was surprised. Literally the I would say.
The worst part is there's this one friend of mine
who I really respect her taste. I called her and
I told her everything, and she was like, ugh, I
always thought they were a tacky because I don't have taste.
That's the other thing. I don't have great taste, Like
I need help in that area of my life, like
with wardrobe. Obviously, look at me, I look like I
just stole this off of a fucking I don't know
where you would find a crumpled up shirt like under
a fucking like this is some This is an unhoused
person's pillowcase that I'm wearing right now, Like I'm I
do not have. There are things I have, and there
are things I'm good at, and there are things I'm
not good at. And one of the things I'm not
good at is style, and like personal style and interior design,
I need help with it. And it doesn't really matter
what my friends thought about their work the previous two jobs,
because I genuinely liked it. And they made my home
feel really great. So I'm I will say that, like
I genuinely liked it, but it is hard to hear that. You, Like,
you have friends who thought they were fucking tacky the
whole time. That's tough. And like just the everyone's everyone's
feedback of this place was like, it's funny, duddy, it
looks like millennial cringe. It's you know, somebody because they
put so many plants in here. In One of mister
Manhattan's friends was like Tarzan decorated. It looks crazy. So
anyway we're dealing with that, that saga will be done.
I promise you by this my next podcast, I'm not
gonna be talking about this until the fucking end of
my life. I really honestly don't care that much. Like
I did care. It was, like I said, the OCD
thinking was like spinning me out and ruining my fucking mind.
And then I went to an energy healer and this
was funny. I went down to this energy healer in
Boca and she works on the seventh dimension, which, like
for those of you who don't know, we're existing on
the third dimension, so we're in three D. There's many
other dimensions that exist. There's many other realms, and she
can get to the higher up, which is the subconscious.
And she was working on the seventh dimension and I went.
I came in and I was a woman on the edge.
Her office is in Boca. I accidentally drove to Fort Lauderdale. First.
I drove to a Fort Lauderdale Ferrari dealership and I
was like, what is the Lord trying to help me
right now? Should I just spend every single penny I
have and then a little more than I have on
a Ferrari right now? Now? Like, is that is that
what I should do? Or what is the good Lord
telling me? You know? And here's what the good Lord
was telling me, turn your ass around and go to Boca, said,
be a little more diligent when you're putting addresses. And
you knew you were going to book a Ratonne. Why
do you go to Fort Lauderdale, you dumb bitch. I
didn't realize they were so close. Once twenty five minutes away,
one's forty. I drove forty. I was like, da da
da da wah wa wie wo wow. I didn't take
it that well. I called the woman and I was
like okay, I'm so fragile, rate. I just I was
so looking forward to the energy healing. I didn't want
our session to be interrupted, and now I had to
drive back and my car was running out of battery
and it was just like not. I mentally am like
I have not been doing the best, and she was like,
it's okay, honey, just like, take some breaths. Box breathing.
She reminded me of box breathing. And for those of
you who don't know what box breathing is, here's your reminder.
When you're stressed to fuck and everything feels like it's
falling apart and you feel like you can't breathe and
you're crying in you're fucking Tesla in a Ferrari dealership where
everyone's looking at you like what is this poor person?
And Tesla doing here? Just four breasts and hold for
four four breasts out and you do that until your
central nervous system settles the fuck down, till it starts
cooperating and behaving. And I did that, and I drove
back up and I was like, all right, whatever, and then,
by the grace of God, her next client canceled, and
I was like, what do you look at God? So
we went and we did energy work. I got there
one eleven, I did not leave until four oh nine.
She put me under a trance and worked out. I
immediately started talking about the designers. I was like, they
fucking robbed us. They were supposed to be my friends.
I feel so betrayed. I can't stop thinking about it.
I'm so angry. I want to fucking slip their throats
and drink their blood. And she's like, okay, honey, that's
a breath to get you on your little trance here.
And we did a bunch of healing and a bunch
of energy work, and she magically moved things around within
me and the OCD thinking after that day stopped. Do
I still believe what they did is unjust and shitty,
I sure do, but it's not possessing me. I don't
fucking care. Here's what I know to be true. I
know for sure and for certain that Karma is a
bigger bitch than I could ever be. So what they
did to me and the money they stole from us,
Karma doesn't miss a fucking doorstep. That energy's coming back, okay.
And the whole way it was handled was unprofessional and lame.
But like whatever, that's your karma. You want to run
your business that way, enjoy running it into the fucking ground, bitch,
Like I just I don't care. I don't care. But
energy work is so special, and I feel like I
have been pointed in the writer. It's so funny to
like go on a grand anyway. Energy work is great,
especially like I understand the jextaposition that lies within me. Okay,
I understand. I am equal parts fucking crazy and malicious
and also like healed and doing my best. So here's
the thing. Karma hasn't missed a doorstep for me either. Okay,
I'm just not saying that to the people I don't like.
I'm saying it because I know it to be true,
because it has hit me in the fucking face. Getting
hit with karma is like getting hit in the face
with a fucking frying pan. Okay, doesn't feel great, but
you deserve it, and you deserve it and you got
to learn somehow, and that's it's all just energy. It's
all energy, baby, It's all energy. It all comes back,
that's the thing. It all comes down in the fucking wash.
So I'm just in the give it to God. Part
of the my my meltdown. Okay, I'm in the hand
it over. We can't we can't take this with us.
We can't take this with us through March. Okay, March
doesn't want February's problems. And that's the truth. Sometimes you
just gotta know when a problem isn't serving you. It's
like anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other
person to die. Right. I just had to stop drinking
the poison because every day, if I chose to, I
could wake up and I could live in that fucking rage.
I could live in that rage, but I don't want to. You, guys,
our sponsor this week, as always, is Berber hair Oil.
Berber hair Oil has changed my relationship with my hair.
It went from a hate to a love relationship. And
do I have all my hair back? No? I don't,
But will I get it back? Yes? And more after
using Berber fer I'm probably honestly gonna have to use
it for eighteen months to get all my hair back.
But that's okay because they did a real fucking chop
job on the fucking hair, so it takes time to
get it back. But if you guys, use berber oil.
It's Burdock oil. I've been using it twice a week.
I do my hair oil treatments twice a week. It
feels like self care. It feels like an act of
love to myself. And I want you all to reward
yourself with an act of love to yourself, whether it's
with hair oil or with anything else that makes you happy,
brings you joy, et cetera, et cetera. Let's make sure
we're carving out time in our week to make ourselves
feel better about being alive, about spinning on this fucking
planet which is quite apparently becoming a housecape because the
people here don't know how to fucking act. Go to
Burger dot com burbur dot com. Use my code BRIT
for fifteen percent off your first order. Grow your habit,
grow your hairback. Thank me later. I let me say much. Okaybye.
Speaking of living and rage, here's something I do want
to talk about. And like I said in the last episode,
I do not talk about politics ever because I think
it's divisive and I think it's lame, and I think
what I really do want to say about what's going
on with the Epstein files and everything that's coming out
is if you are still fighting battles that are left
versus right, if you are still fighting battles that are
so cle clearly being implanted by in your brains, by
the people that are actually running the show to distract
you from what's going on. Maybe don't, maybe just take
a step back, like I cannot believe. And this is
gonna be old news by the time this comes out.
But people are mad at the men's hockey team, the
US men's First of all, they've got two brain cells
between the fourteen of them, all right. They don't have
a ton of logic and critical thinking. They barely have
fucking teeth. People getting mad at them for partying with
Cash Bettel or Donald Trump, who fucking cares. That is
not what our lifeblood is made for. We are not
made to be so riled up about people who don't
give a fuck about us at all. None of those
people care about us. The men's hockey team doesn't care
about us, The President of the United States doesn't care
about us. Nobody cares about us, and that has been
made abundantly clear through the Epstein files. And if you
guys can't wrap your fucking heads around that I don't
know what to tell you, but I do believe in
my heart that politics is just a way to divide us,
and it's a way to keep the people at the
bottom apart so we never get strong enough to overthrow
the ones at the top. Because if we did, god
forbid ever unite on this, which we should be doing
right now, all of our blood should be fucking boiling
with rage that they were going to an island and
abusing young children, and like if something happened to them
throwing them out a shoot door to the sea. We
should all be so incensed we can't fucking see straight.
Our vision should be fucking blurred by how angry we
are that every person at the top, no matter what
level they are, no matter what side they are, are
partaking in cruel, cruel and whether it's ritual sacrifice or whatever,
it is all the shit of the people that were
conspiracy theorists and crazy and bat shit years ago. Is
it's becoming true. It's not becoming true. It is true.
It has been true the whole time. The fucking lid
popped off the cookie jar. Okay, And and I think
we need to get mad, not at each other. I
don't think the left and the right need to still
keep getting mad at each other, because I think what
should be abundantly clear is that these people don't give
a fuck about us at all. And if you're going
to fight and fight and fight with the people that
do love you, the people in your family, your friends,
your community at large, if you're gonna fight with them
about politics, then you are just staying at a low
vibration in this like angry cesspool, like where they want
you to be. Because if you're so fired up getting
mad at each other, you're never going We're never going
to be able to unite and seek justice. And that's
what we should be doing right now. Like I think
things are specifically implanted in our mind as a generation
to distract us from what's really going on. Like when
the pandemic was going on and then the BLM riots happened,
that's not a coincidence. These people plan the fucking pandemic
and the BLM riots were just a way to distract us.
They planted something that would make us so enraged that
we would forget there was a pandemic and go march
in the streets. And you guys are getting so fucking mad.
You're going to Michael's and you're buying signs and you're
you know, you're making you're doing crafts because you're so
fucking angry, and you're like, I'm gonna go stomp out
in the fucking sun and one's sweat's rolling down it
And meanwhile, nobody's paying attention to the fact that there's
a global pandemic that was planted in our society to
destabilize us. And I don't know what's really going on.
I don't know what's really going on at the top.
But if you use an iota of logic and you
look at everything just plainly, I think you can see
that the people you're voting for don't care about you.
And it does not matter on which side. I don't
think any of them give a fuck about us. This
is not me making a political statement. This is me
making a statement about humanity. I think as humans we
need to be protecting our babies and our animals, and
because they're they're innocent, and if we don't protect them,
nobody will. And I actually want to cry about this
because like they're they're kids, and they're being they're being abused,
and we're still getting mad at the left and the
right when like Bill Clinton is testifying and looking at
pictures and sparking and smiling like a fucking dog, pig, satanic,
fucking creature that he is, and he's he's making a
mockery of us, and whatever Trump's involvement is, like, that'll
that'll come to light too. I feel like I'm in
a fucking bar if I'm so angry right now. Oh,
they're all involved and they're all bad, and I think
what needs to happen is the French Revolution. I think
we need to have a let them eat cake moment
where someone just says one thing that makes us so
mad that we start hanging them. We need to bring
the guillotine. Guillotine is a guillotine. Guillotine. We need to
bring the guillotine back, and we need to hang these
motherfuckers in a town square. I do not think there
is any justice that comes from throwing them in jail,
making them pay it fine. That's not justice. Justice is death.
And I hate to say that because I am somebody
who is a big proponent forgiveness and forgiving people for
their sins. But I think since at this level, this
atrocity this. I don't know. I just I just honestly,
I feel like I made myself sick. I've made myself.
I work myself into a tizzy talking about this. Yeah,
we got a fucking we gotta shoot him at point
blank range. Like, I don't know what else to say,
Like there's no there's no other solution here, it's not
justice will never be served unless the people that are
doing this are eliminated. And I just don't know how
else to say that. I honestly just made myself sick.
I have like a headache and I feel like I'm
anna puke. I don't know, you guys, I don't I
want this podcast to be funny in light and like
for us to kiki and like the world is so
scary and horrible as it is now We're at fucking war.
Nobody wanted to go to war. We don't have what
are we gonna? Just aren't we already in trillions of
dollars of Dutch? Is anything real? Is anything real? Like
China will happily sit back and watch us bleed ourselves
out at another war in the Middle East? What is
this for oil? Okay? All right? I don't know you guys,
I don't know. Everything feels scary, and I didn't want
this podcast to be this way. I really was like,
I'm gonna talk about how I farted in pilates, and
like maybe I'll talk about like I just a demon
took over me and it's the one that needed to
speak truth and hasn't been for a long time. I
think that's why I just had a physical reaction to it.
Because here's the deal, you guys, the truth is really
fucking uncomfortable. But I think we ought to rise up.
I think we ought to fucking rise up. I hate
to say it. I hate to be the one that
says it. Listen, I'm not a fucking political podcast. I'll
leave it to Tim Dillon. But at the end of
the day, I just feel really disheartened, and I feel
I feel like lost and upset and sad and everything
that I believed in my bones to be true is
true and that fucking sucks. But anyway, we'll move on,
because that's I can't even do that. I'll make myself
more sick. I started reading, and I haven't finished, so
i'll let you know if it's a book worth reading.
But I started reading a book called How to Hold
a Cockroach, And the subtitle of the book is for
people who are free and don't even know it. And
when I was getting into the book about how to
Hold a Cockroach, it basically is talking about how so
many of the fears that we have we have adopted
from other people and we don't know why. And so
it's this worry about this little boy who saw a
cockroach and he got really scared and he had this
really big reaction and just like a ton of fear
and was like trying to shoo it away. And then
he sat down and he thought like, wait, why do
I Why Why am I so scared of this cockroach?
They don't bite, it's not gonna hurt me, and it's gross,
but beyond that, it's not that scary. And he's like, oh, yeah,
I remember when I was little, I saw my mom
have a really big reaction to seeing a cockroach and
she got so scared. And so I immediately from that
day forward, decided that cockroaches were scary and if I
ever saw one, I would be afraid when I responded
when I reacted to it. So it's kind of like
the conscious undoing of the belief systems that we have
and what we're afraid of and making sure that we're
actually afraid of them, and we didn't absorb that from
somebody that we love, like a parent or somebody close
to us, like a friend. And I used to do this.
I know that I used to do this. I remember
my friend Kate from high school, like my best friend
from high school. She would always say she hated Irish accents.
She didn't like Irish accents. And then all of a sudden,
when I heard an Irish accent, I'll be like, I,
oh fucking like that. And then I, like years later,
was like, why do I not like it? And I
was like, oh, yeah, Kate said that, and I just
like adopted it so quickly because I respected her and
I adored her and I wanted to be like her.
So I didn't like Irish accents, and then I just
heard an Irish person talk and I was like, can
I understand you? Not totally, but do I dislike your accent? No?
I think it's charming and cute. And so there is
a conscious unbelieving of the things that we've taught ourselves, right,
like belief systems are instilled in us from such a
young age, and you know, we have to make sure
they are our own. We have to make sure that
we've actually experienced something that wow, my brain just went blank.
We experienced something that I'm looking for a word I'm
searching for and I can't find it. That makes our
reaction to something appropriate or warranted, right, Because if we're
just responding to something because our mom was afraid of something,
then we never have the experience to learn whether or
not we're afraid of it. We just assume that we're
afraid of it, and then we live our lives that way,
and then we never have any real information about how
we feel about things. And here's the other thing. Fuck cockroaches, right,
you know, like, fuck a cockroach. I am, I am
to I fucking hate cockroaches. When I lived in Venice Beach,
we had this beautiful condo on the beach, but cockroaches
are water bugs, so they will come they'll come up
drains and into apartments that way, and it's not great.
And I remember one time I was on the phone.
I was talking to somebody I don't know who was.
It was after I got back from one of my
Paris trips, and I was doing laundry and I was
digging through the laundry basket and I was on the phone,
and I was like, yeah, you know, I really just
want to get a flat in Paris, like my heart
belongs there. As I reached in, this cockroach crawled up
my fucking arm and I was like what. And I like,
freak the fuck out because fuck a cockroach. I will
stand by that Cockroaches are scary and I don't like
the way they look, and I don't like the way
health they're so fast. I don't like hunting cock I
don't like them. And I don't mind bugs. Like when
I was a kid, I would always if there was
a spider in the house, I would be the first
person to go get it. If there was a bug
that needed to get let out into the yard, I
would go do it. Like I don't mind bugs, they
don't generally freak me out. Like obviously, if a spider
is crawling across my face in the middle of the night,
I will freak the fuck out. But like I don't
see a spider and gow like I'm not. I grew
up in a fucking barn, Like I'm not afraid of striping.
I spent my summer's bailing. Hay okay, I had bugs
crawling all over me all the time, and then my
mom fucking yelling at me wark harder, faster, like child labor. Shit.
It was like crazy, like eighty degree summers in Wisconsin.
My mom would just be breathing down my white He's
so slow, Why he's so weak. I'm like, all right, mom,
mommy's issues, you know. Anyway, I'm not afraid of bugs,
but cockroaches they're a little too fast. That's the thing.
They're a little too fast. If a bug's too fast,
I don't like it. I don't like being outrun by
a bug. I don't even like when Biggie outruns me
because I'm like, hey, who you showing off for, mister.
So anyway, No, don't love a cockroach, especially not when
it's crawling up my arm. Fuck that. But I think
that was God's way of humbling me in that moment.
You know, it's the good old humble yourself, or God
will do it for you. Because I was like, I
want to get a flattened Paris, and I just and
God's like, really a flattened Paris, bitch? You have cockroaches?
Crawling up your arm in Venice Beach. Focus on what's
right in front of you. You can't afford a flat
in Paris, all right, you can't afford a flatten Paris, bitch,
you have a cockroach in your arm pit. And in
that moment that thought just flew out of my head.
I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a fucking flattened Paris.
Right now, I have a cock grouch in my mouth. Okay,
So anyway, I'll let you know of How to Hold
a Cockroach is a book worth reading, But from the
little I read of it, I'm excited. The other book
I'm about to jump into is Rick Rubin's book on
Living a Creative Life, which I'm very excited about because
he's obviously a genius and he's so cool. Can you
imagine just being as cool as Rick Rubin, just being
as certain in your fucking decisions and your life and
your inner voice. He seems like the kind of guy
that doesn't have a phone, or if he does, he
leaves it in the other room and he just like
uses it to call people into the studio. He just
seems so fucking cool. He seems so cool. He seems
so tapped into source. He meditates all the time. He
obviously is just a a brilliant producer. If you don't
know who Rick Rubin is, look him up because he's
a genius. And I'm excited. I'm excited to read that book.
You guys wanted me to tell you what books I'm reading,
are about to read or books we should read, so
so I am. Another thing I might be doing is
starting The Artist's Way Again, which is a nine week
course on artists recovering your inner artist. It's a course
for creativity, and I was thinking, since we do this
podcast weekly, we could do if anyone is interested and
leave it in the comments or dm me let me
know if you would like to do this together, because
there is a portion where you like workshop and at
the end you share what you did for the week
and the goals you accomplished and the creative things you did.
And there's something called artist date. An artist date is
where you take yourself on a date to feed your
inner artist. So it's like you can go on a
solo date to the movies, or you can go on
you can buy paint supplies at the store and paint
or whatever, lights up your inner artist. You do that,
and then we can report back and I can be like,
I did this, what did you guys do? And what
we could do is if everyone doesn't want to do
it together, I could just do that at the very end.
That could be like the cap of the podcast. So
show of hands in the comments, let me know who
wants to do the artists way with me, because I'm
lending a board and I need you guys because you're
I only friends. Okay, I'm doing my best to meet
friends here, but I have to be careful. I have
to be careful because, like I said in the past,
I get so intoxicated and excited by female friendships because
I didn't have any growing up, and it's all I
ever wanted that every once in a while I let
them in and then I'm like, oops, you're showing me
things that I don't like. And now I'm so far
in i can't get out and I can't leave, and
I'm stuck and I fee blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah, and then I have to do something to
sabotage it, or I just have to wait for it
to run its course. Even though I knew from a
fucking month four that it was gonna fucking implode, and
I don't want to do that anymore. So I'm just
trying to be a little more cautious making friends. But
it's okay. I'm okay. Everything's good. I think I'm gonna
go to New York next week. I think I'm gonna
go to LA next week and then New York the
week after. I think that's my plan. I think I'm
gonna go do some podcasts in LA and do some shows,
and then I'm gonna go to New York. Mister Manhattan
wants to go see the family, so I think we're
gonna go do that, and then I think we'll come
back and we'll tackle the apartment situation and the furniture
and just refreshing the place and making it ours and
you know, making everything feel like home. But I am
I have turned a corner on Palm Beach and living here,
I don't feel completely displaced. I think having friends and
meetings and workouts to go to and like, just you know, living,
I started living again. That's a very important thing to do.
And I would like to remind you all to do
that when you're feeling stuck, make sure you just keep
going because you know you can't hit a moving target.
You can't like if you're putting one foot in front
of the other, if you're writing, if you're journaling, if
you're working out, if you're moving your body, if you're
going on walks, if you're drinking water, if you're doing
the things for you that you know will make you
feel better, you will start to feel better. It's just
a matter of time. It is like a you know,
if you're uncomfortable right now, or you're going through something hard,
here's a pact I want us to make with each other.
If you're going through something fucking gnarly and you and
you are just in it, and you want to be depressed,
and you don't want to brush your hair or your teeth,
or take a shower or a bath or do anything
to take care of yourself, that's okay. I just want
us to make a pact that you only get to
do that for two days. Okay, you can eat like shit.
You can eat a fucking pint of ice cream for
every meal if you want, you can eat McDonald's, you
can eat whatever. In that moment, we'll just scratch the
little fucking itch, because there's a little itch when you're
like really deprissed, You're like, I just want to somehow
kill myself. You know. It's just like it's just like
you're down there, and you want to be down there
because there's something a little nice about being in pain. Right,
There's something a little self masturbatory about crying. And here's
the thing. Crying, Get it out. Cry as much as
you can. I love a good cry. Sometimes I can't
stop crying. Like when I first got here, I was
I had a day where I was on a crying jag.
My dad used to call it a siej, you like,
get off the sie j. It's a fucking crying jack.
I can't stop. I woke up and I started crying.
Everything I did, I was crying, crying, crying. I finally
pulled it together for two seconds to be intimate with
mister Manhattan, and then at the end he was like,
did you come I started crying. I came to the
conclusion that I'm fucking sad and I need to up
my anti depressants. Okay, And also, you know when I come,
we're not keeping it a secret, okay. Never since the
Dawn of Time? Has any woman ever kept it? I
hate that question. Would you come? No? I don't fucking come.
What do you mean? I don't know if I've ever
come once in my life. I'm just kidding, but I
you know, our sex life is really good. It's really
fucking good. He's great and bad love that. But you know,
when I'm on a CJ. And I'm crying, and then
later we were It's funny because we were talking later,
maybe a day later or so, when I got my
shit together, and he was saying how this move has
been difficult for him too, and he's like, you know,
he was like making points, and he was like, this
move is difficult for me too. I've never not lived
in New York and I love New York and this
isn't the city and it feels so different. And also
it's not great for me to have sex with you
and then for you to start crying, and I'm like, well,
I understand. But also in that moment, it's really nice
to know he's a good man that would never do
anything bad to a woman. Because some guys would have
no problem working through tears, like Bill Clinton, Okay, Jeffrey Epstein,
those guys, bad people, demons. Let's fucking shoot him point blank.
Rage it's my own. I've been thinking about it a lot.
I haven't stopped thinking about it. You know, when things
affect you deeply, you can't help it. And here's the thing.
I'm the most apathetic person on the planet. I'm so apathetic.
I don't I'm like Warren Iron, don't care, Warren, where
were we last? Turkey don't care. I don't care. I
don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I can't care.
I don't have the capacity to care. I cannot care.
And this one, my brain got hot. My head felt
like it was in a fucking vice grip, and I
was like, we got we ride at fucking dawn. We
gotta fucking we gotta get rid of these hose. Like
I don't, I don't know what else to do. Anyway,
you guys, what was I saying? Cry? Oh you guys.
I also cried. It is really funny. I just I
have up my lexapro It's gonna go up a notch
because we are struggling. I bought this really funny sex toy.
Not a funny sex toy, the sex toy that I
wanted to use, and every time I tried to use it,
I was getting shut down. And then I just started
crying and I just had this butt plug in my
hand and I was like, what is mister Manhattan is
just like you can't cry because I'm not letting you
put it up. Butt plug in my ass And I
was like that, crying over butt plugs, crying over existing.
I'll cry over anything. I will fucking cry. But you
know what, I'm on the other side of that. I'm
not crying anymore. I'm fucking pissed. No, I'm not. I'm
still nothing. I'm still apathetic. I'm still I'm no. You
know what I'm not. I'm doing my best and I'm
journaling and I'm getting work done and I'm working on
a project. I told you guys, I'm starting that book.
I started it. That's where the tears are coming from now,
because I've been like I've been doing an uphaul and upheaval.
Is that upholl up, uprooting of the soul. It is
really really unearthing some shit going through all of my
old emails from my mom, and it's tough. It's tough.
It's tough for so many reasons. It's tough because reading
all of her emails now through the eyes that I have,
and not through the eyes of an abused child and
somebody that was just so scorned and angry at her
and her unwillingness to take any accountability in her hand
in my upbringing, and how she might have not done
it the best, and how she wasn't the best parent.
And you know, I had eyes of anger. And every
time you're looking, you know, that's the thing. We're always
looking at life through different eyes. And this time I'm
looking at it with so much compassion and so much
grief and so much sadness for that poor fucking woman
and everything she went through and everything I was not
privy too. And reading this, writing this book is it's
an unearthing of the soul. And I get to look
at all of her emails and everything she sent me
with new eyes, and I think it's good and it's
bad because it's good because I can I can see
how many times we told each other we loved each other.
And I always, even if I was mad at her,
even if I said have a nice life, I would
always say love you, love you. So I did tell
her I love you, and I thought I didn't. I
thought maybe she didn't know, but she didn't know because
I always told her I loved her. Oh it's hard
about it's hard about writing it. There's a lot of layers, right,
because I was just like a hurt little kid who
wanted their mom to say sorry and to be accountable,
and she couldn't and she never was going to. But
she also did tell me many times how much she
believed in me, how much she knew. After she saw
my stand up, she was like, I always knew Y're
going to be a star. And you know, so when
I was young and I was hurt, and I'm saying
young like in my twenties and I was still hurt
and I was still in my alcoholism, I couldn't see
her saying I always knew you were going to make
it and I'm so proud of you. All I saw
her saying was I always knew you were going to
be a star. And in my mind, that was her
taking credit for it, and her taking credit of something
she didn't do and she didn't earn in her only
hand that she had, and it was giving me the
trauma to metabolize to become funny enough to become a
stand up So I was like, this is my thing.
You don't get to be a part of it. But
I didn't get to see a mother telling a child
she's so proud and like she believed in her the
whole time. I didn't see that. And there are things
that I can reread with new eyes also where she
talks about you know, she was like I. In one email,
she said, I'm going to go to hmmm, sorry, hang on,
she said, I'm going to go to alan On to
work on the defensive, the defensiveness that has ruined every
single one of my relationships. And while I know now
that that defensiveness did not come from the alcoholics in
her life, it certainly wasn't helped by the alcoholics in
her life. You know, my dad and I certainly didn't
do anyone any favors being drunk and making her feel
like she hasn't seen or heard. So this, this book
is going to be a motherfucker to write. It really is,
and I'm so excited to write it and I cannot wait,
and if for nothing else then to just have it
out of my body. Like I said before, But it's
like you guys, it's right here, and I was. When
I was talking to my Taro lady, she said, you know,
you need to make sure you're in therapy through this
because it's going to be it's going to be really traumatizing.
And re traumatizing were the exact words. So I am,
I'm in therapy, and you know, I go back and
forth with not back and forth with therapy. I always
do maintenance therapy. I always do once a month. But
I'm like, I'm in therapy right now. I need to
be in therapy right now, and I think it's good
for people to know when they need to be in therapy.
BE just really badly wanted to say hello to you guys.
So hello, say hi, Hi, wave your little Paul. Say
hello from Palm Beach. Hi, say hi to the besties,
say hello. I just want to be clear about something
because I became clear about something the other day, so
I just want to be clear about it to you guys.
Every time I've heard someone say that they're a girl's girl,
they're the worst person in the fucking world. So I
just want to be clear that I'm not a girl's girl.
I'm not. I don't like a lot of girls I
don't like a lot of these bitches. I'm gonna be
really fucking honest. I'm not a girl's girl. I'm not
the type of girl that I'm just not the girls.
I'm gonna tell your man if he's doing something. I'm
gonna tell you if your man's doing something wrong, be
do have something to say. Biggie's not a f and
girl's girls either. Every time someone says they're a girl's girl,
I'm just a girl's girl. I'm just a girl's girl.
I just love the girls, and I just want to
hang out with the girls, and this is for the girls,
and I love the girls. Demons. Those girls are demons.
Those are the type of girls that behind your back,
if you had a crush on a guy, they'll go
after them. They don't give a fuck. They don't give
a fuck at all. I had a friend identify as
a girl's girl, and when I went on my first
date with mister Manhattan, she was like, oh my god,
he's so funny and cute. What if we both went
on the date together and he just picked which one
of us he liked best. And I was like, excuse me,
what the fuck did you just say to me, didn't
you identify as a girl's girl. I will slitch your
throat and drink your fucking blood. You're not coming on
my first date with my future husband. That's not how
this works. Oh my god. And then when we started
like falling in love with each other, she's like, I
hate to tell you this, but you're getting love bombed.
You know. I hate that. I'm gonna have to be
the one to pick up all the shattered pieces after
you brace your heart. I'm not a girl's girl. I
just want to be on record. I'm not a girl's girl.
I don't like that many girls. I can't let these
hoses too close to me. Bitches be tripping quite frequently.
And anyone who has ever proclaimed to be a girl's
girl behind closed doors and they ain't. They ain't. There
are girls girls a girl's girl for the camera, and
that's that's it. They don't really give a fuck about
girls at all at all. And I don't want to
say that I give a fuck about girls at all.
I do. I love women. I love female friendships when
they're reciprocal and they go both ways, that's great. But
I'll cut a hole out so fast once I see
your weird bitch behavior. I'm done. I'm good. I don't care.
We don't need to fucking have closure, make nice. We
don't have to because I know who the fuck you are,
and you know who the fuck you are. Your masks slipped, babe,
your masks slipped, and the whole world will soon see it,
if they haven't already. So that's just my Let's break
the facade on girl girls for this week, this week,
and this week only. I just want to let you
guys know that I'm not a girl's girl. I have
some more funny stuff to tell you, guys, but I
feel like we need to get to word of the week.
We need to get to word of the week. I'll
tell you the funny stories. I'll tell you the funny
stories next week. All right, here we go. Eyes closed.
I did just say eyes closed. My eyes we're not
closed here. I'll do it eyes closed for real. There
we go. Sorry, Now, I wasn't lying to you. I
just lied to your face. You guys are like bitch.
There's a camera on you. I can see that you're
lying to me. Oh kid, ogee, we are going to
do recumbent. It's an adjective. It means lying down. Recumbent
can also mean inactive oscar Lan on the bench, recumbent
beneath the warm Hawaiians on recumbent rc U, m b
n T recumbent lying down, don't they usually say like
recumbent senators That means people that are inactive, combent congressman.
I feel like those words go together nicely. Anyway, that's
the word of the week. And I love you guys
so much, and hand in hand we are going to
get through this together. Nobody DMD me for bad advice.
I was looking out for it. But if you guys
don't want that anymore, that's okay. I can just yap
for an hour. I don't give a buck at all.
Nothing matters. We're all gonna die. I keep that in mind.
I love you so much. I'll talk to you in
five minutes, okay. Bye,