WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.280 It was a Thursday night, which only mattered because in 2 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:11.919 our rhythm, Thursdays were relieably hours. Usually Elise would have 3 00:00:11.919 --> 00:00:14.800 been home by now, curled into the battered green couch 4 00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:18.519 with her paint stained sweats, glass of white wine cradled 5 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:21.760 in her palm, scrolling her foam with her legs thrown 6 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:24.960 over my lap. Sometimes she'd hop up mid series to 7 00:00:25.079 --> 00:00:27.760 jot something in a note book or smudge an idea 8 00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.800 onto a scrap canvas. I'd tease her for hoarding brushes, 9 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:35.399 and she'd shoot back with that conspiratorial grin, the one 10 00:00:35.399 --> 00:00:38.640 that always made me feel like I'd won some impossible lottery. 11 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:43.240 But to night, our apartment was cold with vacancy. Even 12 00:00:43.320 --> 00:00:46.200 the cat Felix had given up waiting at the door 13 00:00:46.280 --> 00:00:51.799 and wandered off. Her text came at ten seventeen. Hey babe, sorry, 14 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:56.479 were running late, just wrapping up soon, promise. I stared 15 00:00:56.479 --> 00:00:58.759 at the blue bubble as if my gaze could conjure 16 00:00:58.759 --> 00:01:01.200 her through the door. Most of the time I never 17 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:05.920 doubted these things. Elise's collective liked to work late, and creativity, 18 00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:10.400 she always insisted, didn't fit into tidy blocks on the calendar. Still, 19 00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:14.280 something about the phrasing niggled at me. We're wrapping up soon? 20 00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:18.840 Why plural? And when at late started meaning pushing midnight? 21 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:23.239 An hour dripped by, each passing minutes, sticky and dense. 22 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:27.959 I tried work emails, a podcast, even aimless dish washing 23 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:30.799 to fill the space, but I kept checking the time, 24 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:35.000 my foot tapping a nervous rhythm against the linoleum. When 25 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:37.719 the key finally spun in the lock, I looked up 26 00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:42.239 so fast my neck twinged. Elise padded in, cheeks pink 27 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:46.599 from the cold flyways, escaping her beanie. Her eyes caught mine, 28 00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:52.040 then darted down and away. Hey, she said, voice oddly muffled. Sorry, 29 00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:55.760 that ran so much longer than planned. I got up, 30 00:01:55.879 --> 00:01:58.599 meaning to meet her half way for a welcome home hug, 31 00:01:58.879 --> 00:02:02.680 but she brushed past, gently, heading straight for the bathroom. 32 00:02:02.959 --> 00:02:06.599 I just really need a shower. I'm freezing, she called 33 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:09.919 over her shoulder. She wouldn't look at me by the 34 00:02:09.960 --> 00:02:13.199 time she emerged, face clean and hair damp. She offered 35 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:15.879 a tired half smile and climbed into bed, back to 36 00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:18.800 me as she fiddled with her phone. I tried awkwardly 37 00:02:18.840 --> 00:02:21.680 to break the tension. Did you guys actually get anything 38 00:02:21.719 --> 00:02:25.159 done or was it another setchuan, take out and complained session. 39 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:27.759 Usually this would have made her roll her eyes and 40 00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:30.479 launch into all the group's messy drama, but to night, 41 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:34.240 she just shrugged a lot of talk, nothing settled yet, 42 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:38.919 no details, no jokes. She set her phone face down 43 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.599 on the night stand. I reached for her hand in 44 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:44.719 the space between us, but she only squeezed my fingers 45 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:49.280 once before letting go, rolling to her other side. Lying 46 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:51.639 in the dark, I watched the shadows flickering on the 47 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:55.879 bedroom ceiling, arms folded tight across my chest. Was there 48 00:02:55.919 --> 00:02:59.639 really anything wrong? Work ran late, that was all? But 49 00:02:59.680 --> 00:03:03.199 it was subtle things. The drawn way she avoided my eyes, 50 00:03:03.319 --> 00:03:06.759 the damp hair, the curt answers, the phone turned screen 51 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:11.199 down as if it contained something toxic. I reminded myself 52 00:03:11.240 --> 00:03:14.159 not to spiral. We had built so much trust across 53 00:03:14.199 --> 00:03:17.879 seven years, hadn't we People drift sometimes or just have 54 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:21.520 an off night. But my mind replayed every small distance, 55 00:03:21.800 --> 00:03:25.919 stretching the silence between us until it felt cavernous. Eventually 56 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:29.599 I drifted into a light, uneasy sleep, still pretending that 57 00:03:29.719 --> 00:03:34.199 nothing real had happened. It's embarrassing if I'm honest to 58 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:37.520 admit how much of my identity wound into us Elisee 59 00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:40.800 and me as a unit as the friends who outlasted 60 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:44.800 everyone's expectations. We met at a gallery opening throne by 61 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:49.199 a mutual friend, which seems cliche in retrospect, too slightly 62 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:52.199 out of place. Twenty somethings alone by the drink's table, 63 00:03:52.520 --> 00:03:55.520 mocking a sculpture that looked like a melted trash can. 64 00:03:56.560 --> 00:03:59.800 She was wearing Doc Martin's splattered with paint and an 65 00:03:59.800 --> 00:04:02.919 acid yellow scarf. And when she laughed at my joke 66 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:07.919 about abstract existentialism? Is this piece called shame in polystyrene 67 00:04:08.319 --> 00:04:12.319 or just recycling? Era number three? It cracked something open 68 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.400 in me. Our first year was a string of late 69 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:18.959 night picnics at the sculpture garden roof top beers above 70 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:22.800 her studio, spontaneous road trips to cities whose names we 71 00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:26.800 couldn't pronounce, just to chase down some new installation. We 72 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:30.800 spent hours sprawled in a tiny studio apartment. Mine at 73 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:33.879 the time was even smaller, Her feet in my lap 74 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:37.000 as she painted, unashamed to let me see her process, 75 00:04:37.000 --> 00:04:41.800 her mess. Those days had a kind of scruffy, collaborative romance. 76 00:04:42.279 --> 00:04:45.560 I tried to keep pace with her chaotic inspiration while 77 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:49.319 she teased me for my tidy marketing spreadsheets and mini notebooks. 78 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:54.120 US social life evolved around what she called creative collisions, 79 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:58.879 impromptu dinner parties with mismatched chairs, potlucks where someone always 80 00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:02.120 brought a musician or a poet. Elise was the sun 81 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:06.360 that everything orbited. Her friends became mine, and gradually my 82 00:05:06.439 --> 00:05:10.160 friends bled into hers. We were that couple everyone expected 83 00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:14.279 to move to New York start something wild. We didn't, 84 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:18.439 but we still played the part. Gallery nights, after hours clubs, 85 00:05:18.759 --> 00:05:23.160 joint vocations to weird beach installations, and endless nights dissecting 86 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:27.920 movies over five dollar wine. When Elise started getting real attention, 87 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:31.040 her pieces picked up for a local hotel, featured on 88 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:34.120 a couple of regional blogs, I helped spin her Instagram 89 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:38.639 into something close to professional. We'd brainstorm hashtags, plot out drops, 90 00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:42.439 argue about which photos felt authentic. I loved being part 91 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:45.439 of her success, feeling like we were a team. Even 92 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:49.759 before we officially married last year, marriage felt inevitable, overdue, 93 00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:54.000 even comforting. I never felt a need for permission. The 94 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.199 ceremony was a warm, string light kind of night, our 95 00:05:57.240 --> 00:06:00.519 friends drunkenly chanting to make us kiss again and again. 96 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:04.120 We de settled into the sort of life I once 97 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.959 thought belonged only to fictional adults, joint grocery runs and 98 00:06:08.040 --> 00:06:11.879 rediscovered routines, but with enough art openings and late night 99 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:15.519 bar crawls to keep us interesting. Elise liked to joke 100 00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:21.319 about our domestic gallery, thrifted art, her unfinished canvasses, polaroids 101 00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:25.240 from every trip, pinned to the fridge. And yes, even 102 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:29.279 in those years we fought. Mostly it was about creative space, 103 00:06:29.720 --> 00:06:33.519 Elise's stubborn need for a lone time, the sometimes fragmented 104 00:06:33.519 --> 00:06:37.079 way artists needed boundaries. She grew up with her parents 105 00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:40.879 fighting over privacy and trust. One winter, she admitted, after 106 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:44.000 too much whisky that she worried becoming a pair meant 107 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:47.319 losing herself, that I'd tire of her wildness, or she'd 108 00:06:47.319 --> 00:06:51.000 become invisible. I sometimes felt out of place in her 109 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:54.920 creative circles, the practical marketing guy in rooms bursting with 110 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:59.720 performance artists and would be revolutionaries. There were insecurities, sure, 111 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.079 but we always found ways to talk it through. Shared 112 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:07.399 a language of inside jokes, ritual apologies, knowing when to 113 00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:11.399 give each other space. Looking back, it's striking how much 114 00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:15.240 I took for granted, the simple way we intertwined morning 115 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.959 runs through the park, texting each other about new food joints, 116 00:07:19.240 --> 00:07:22.800 meeting at the neighborhood pub after work, watching trashy reality 117 00:07:22.839 --> 00:07:25.920 shows while she painted beside me, I thought I knew 118 00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:29.360 every variation on her laugh, every story she'd ever told, 119 00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:33.759 every micro expression. Maybe that's why the smallest change felt 120 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:35.879 like stepping on to a floor that might give way 121 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:40.079 any second. On Saturday, I'd planned brunch with our friends 122 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:43.800 Max and Sylvia, our group's unofficial glue, the ones who 123 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:46.079 always made the plans and dragged us out when we 124 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:49.759 got too comfortable. Elise, who never met a brunch she 125 00:07:49.839 --> 00:07:52.800 didn't love, eyed the calendar from across the table that 126 00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:56.079 morning and shook her head. There's a net working thing 127 00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.759 at the new pop up, she said, flipping through a 128 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:03.319 stack of mail. We could swing by after Max will order, 129 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:07.600 she stopped me, gentle but firm. It's mostly just, you know, 130 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:11.959 artists talk boring for you, Sylvia's vegan rants and Max's 131 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:15.199 horror stories about toddlers. I promise you wouldn't want to 132 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:19.600 tag along, She grinned a trace, forced go have mimosas 133 00:08:19.639 --> 00:08:23.519 without me. I'll catch up for dinner. I almost pushed 134 00:08:23.560 --> 00:08:27.319 the issue, but it felt petty. Elise's world had always 135 00:08:27.360 --> 00:08:30.560 had corners where I didn't fit. The language of pigment 136 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:34.519 types and grant deadlines was hers, not mine. Why should 137 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:38.159 now be any different? That evening, she swung home right 138 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:41.879 around seven, flushed with energy foone already in hand. As 139 00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:44.679 she dropped her bag, I asked how it went, but 140 00:08:44.759 --> 00:08:49.159 she was evasive, mentioning lots of connections, some cool gallerist 141 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:52.759 but skipping names and stories. I'll tell you more when 142 00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:56.159 I'm not fried, she said, trying to redirect me to dinner. 143 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.919 Over the next week, the pattern snowballed. Ease started claiming 144 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:03.759 the studio for herself more often staying out later on 145 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:06.720 week nights or disappearing for long stretches under the pretense 146 00:09:06.759 --> 00:09:09.960 of catching up on solo projects. I didn't question her 147 00:09:09.960 --> 00:09:12.679 about locking the studio door, not after she'd snapped at 148 00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:15.320 me once for stepping in while she was sketching. It's 149 00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:17.279 a mess, trust me, you don't want to see the 150 00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:21.240 war zone, she joked her smile quick and brittle, still 151 00:09:21.360 --> 00:09:26.240 its strung. She'd always welcomed my mild chaos, never guarded 152 00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:30.159 her space like this before. There were smaller things too. 153 00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:33.759 Her phone grew into an additional limb, clutched tightly and 154 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:36.960 never left out in the open. She seemed distracted even 155 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:40.360 when we were together, answering texts in the bathroom, scrolling 156 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.200 late into the night. When I touched her waist or 157 00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:48.000 brushed her arm, she sometimes flinched, apologizing, sorry, my mind's 158 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:52.200 just not here, before snuggling closer out of reflex. I 159 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:55.919 told myself not to be ridiculous. If anything, Elise was 160 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.720 due for a surge of solo focus. Her show was 161 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:02.120 coming up, the group was It made sense she'd get weird. 162 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:05.320 But every time she ducked my curiosity or closed the 163 00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:08.519 door between us, I cycled through a tight loop. Was 164 00:10:08.559 --> 00:10:11.600 this creative passion or something she didn't want me to see? 165 00:10:12.039 --> 00:10:14.919 Was I reading too much into late nights and locked doors, 166 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:18.279 or starting to become the boring husband I'd always sworn 167 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:22.200 I wouldn't be. I tried deflecting my doubts at first 168 00:10:22.519 --> 00:10:25.720 to Alisha, an old college friend who'd known both of 169 00:10:25.799 --> 00:10:28.360 us since the beginning. We met up for a bier 170 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:31.840 one night after work. Alicia had a knack for reducing 171 00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:37.039 my overthinking to simple explanations. You honestly think she's hiding something, 172 00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:41.639 she asked, eyebrows up over her glass. You married an artist, Matt, 173 00:10:41.960 --> 00:10:46.240 She's like genetically programmed to be mysterious. Sometimes, my god, 174 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:50.799 you should see my girlfriend during Grant's season, I laughed, 175 00:10:50.840 --> 00:10:53.799 sort of. It's just she turns her phone over now, 176 00:10:53.960 --> 00:10:57.519 and sometimes she avoids stuff. I don't know, maybe she 177 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:02.159 just needs more air. She's probably stressed about the collective show, 178 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:06.120 Alisha said, don't work yourself up unless there's something real. 179 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:09.919 Have you told her you miss her? No? I mean yes, 180 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:13.240 but not like formerly. That make it weird, right, I 181 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:17.159 half smiled. Unless you let it get weirder by not talking, 182 00:11:17.559 --> 00:11:22.480 Alisha said, matter of fact. Always the pragmatist. I wanted 183 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:26.000 to believe her, But as the weeks unfolded, every doubt 184 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:29.399 I'd tried to squash came back, nottted with new anxieties. 185 00:11:30.399 --> 00:11:34.919 Friday evening, Elise was out again collective office hours this time, 186 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:37.919 and as I dusted the bookshelf, I noticed an envelope 187 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:41.039 wedged behind a novel we'd both given up reading last year. 188 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:44.600 The return address was from a gallery across town, but 189 00:11:44.679 --> 00:11:47.840 when I asked Elise why they'd written, she only shrugged 190 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:52.120 a little too quickly. Oh, that's probably just the contract stuff. 191 00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:57.120 Nothing exciting, probably a tax thing. Later, when she carelessly 192 00:11:57.200 --> 00:12:00.120 mentioned a new artist, Jordan, who joined the collective, I 193 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:04.039 pressed for a story. She gave me fragments. Jordan, Oh, 194 00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:07.559 the one with the rooftop sculptures. Yeah, they're interesting, kind 195 00:12:07.559 --> 00:12:13.080 of intense. Everyone's obsessed. It's wild. No smile, no further details, 196 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:16.279 just a door closed. Again it came to her head. 197 00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:19.440 Two sundays later, we were at a party. Sylvia insisted 198 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:23.320 we couldn't miss twenty people squeezed into someone's industrial loft, 199 00:12:23.600 --> 00:12:26.960 a mix of gallery types and regulars. Elise stuck to 200 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.720 the edge of the group, phone flashing every few minutes 201 00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:32.919 with notifications she didn't share, eyes flicking to the door 202 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:36.519 as if waiting for someone else. Eventually she slipped out early, 203 00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:39.919 announcing breezily, I think I'll walk home, get some air. 204 00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:44.559 It was a clear night. Love you, she called, waving 205 00:12:44.919 --> 00:12:48.279 but dodging my attempt to follow. When I got back 206 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:52.320 two hours later, Elise was in the shower again, singing softly, 207 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:55.559 her laughter echoing against the tile, the shadow of her 208 00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:59.559 outline barely visible through the frosted glass. I stood outside 209 00:12:59.600 --> 00:13:03.120 the door, beat, lips pressed tight. It was nothing, I 210 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:06.559 told myself. Maybe she just needed to wind down, to 211 00:13:06.679 --> 00:13:10.279 rinse off the exhaustion of endless art talk, to recharge 212 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:14.879 from too many questions. Except I could feel something between us, thickening, 213 00:13:15.159 --> 00:13:18.919 her rare hugs, the sidelong glances, the staling in jokes 214 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.879 that used to connect us. Instantly, she stopped volunteering stories 215 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:26.600 about her work. Dinner table conversations reduced to one word 216 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:31.600 responses or deflected questions. Long day, sorry, she'd say, or 217 00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:36.279 deadline s eating my brain. I thought, this can't be 218 00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:39.120 what happens to us. We were the couple who survived 219 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.679 the long haul, who made it. We knew how to 220 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:46.440 talk about anything, didn't we. Tuesday afternoon, I picked up 221 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:49.279 groceries and noticed odd charges in our shared account on 222 00:13:49.360 --> 00:13:52.919 my banking app. Two eubers from the previous weekend, both 223 00:13:53.039 --> 00:13:55.120 running to the East Side, where most of the city's 224 00:13:55.120 --> 00:13:58.679 loft spaces were also a seventy two dollars dinner at 225 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:01.639 a place we'd only gone to one together, an upscale 226 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:04.360 sushi bar and a bar tab that didn't match any 227 00:14:04.440 --> 00:14:08.799 dates I recalled. When I asked Elise, laughing softly, you 228 00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:13.480 running a secret club out there, she was all poked innocence. Oh, 229 00:14:13.480 --> 00:14:16.279 that's probably group's stuff. We had to you, but some 230 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:21.120 people cover the tab. Collective gets reimbursed. Eventually, it's a 231 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:24.720 whole thing. The next night, I tried for a surprise. 232 00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:28.200 I ordered tie from her favorite place and let myself 233 00:14:28.200 --> 00:14:32.399 into the empty studio, convinced she'd love the gesture. Instead, 234 00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:36.559 I found the door locked, muffled voices echoing inside a low, 235 00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:42.080 indistinct exchange. I knocked twice. It's me, I called, but 236 00:14:42.120 --> 00:14:45.519 the voices stopped. The door cracked after a fumbling moment, 237 00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:49.639 and Elise slipped out, closing it quickly behind her. Sorry, 238 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:53.200 I'm on a call with a gallerist. She's like old school, 239 00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:56.600 hates people listening in. I'll be out in ten okay, 240 00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:01.639 She smiled, tense, as if expected a fight. I handed 241 00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:06.000 over the food. The tension flickered plain between us. Elise 242 00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:09.960 began declining even our core traditions, our annual double date 243 00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:13.080 dinner with Max and Sylvia, a ritual since before any 244 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:16.279 of us lived together, was apparently too much for her 245 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:21.159 this year. She texted Max directly, sorry, collective stuff last minute. 246 00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:24.600 Don't hate me next time. The group text filled with 247 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:28.120 jokes about Elise's secret art cult, but I felt a 248 00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:32.879 prickle of distance. Nobody else noticed. It's surreal, those in 249 00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:35.559 between weeks, when you start to suspect the story is 250 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:40.399 leaving you behind. I went back to Alsia, kneading outside context, 251 00:15:40.759 --> 00:15:46.399 something to grab onto. She listened, arms folded, foot tapping Matt. 252 00:15:46.440 --> 00:15:49.279 You can't live like this, waiting for permission to feel 253 00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:52.879 what you feel. She told me. Maybe she's going through something. 254 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:57.000 Maybe it's not about you. Could be burnout or imposter syndrome, 255 00:15:57.240 --> 00:16:01.440 or who knows what artists are weird? Right? I nodded, 256 00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:04.879 wanting to believe it, But then Alicia added, more hesitantly, 257 00:16:05.279 --> 00:16:08.960 she's just quieter lately, even in the group chats. And 258 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:11.879 she hasn't heart reacted to my photos in like a month, 259 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:15.320 which I know sounds dumb, but she practically curated my 260 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:20.320 grid last summer. Maybe she's just spinning out. Days later, 261 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:24.399 exasperated by the persistent ache in my chest, I confronted Elise, 262 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:28.200 not directly, but by hovering, hoping she'd offer me some life. 263 00:16:28.279 --> 00:16:30.720 Len I asked if she wanted to go for drinks 264 00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:33.559 in the neighborhood, or crash her friend's open mike night, 265 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:37.159 or even just watch a trashy movie. She said yes 266 00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:40.320 to the last suggestion, but fell asleep half way through. 267 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:44.559 Head heavy on my shoulder, phone tight in her palm. 268 00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:49.000 The intimacy faded, as if by slow deliberate neglect. The 269 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:51.360 couple who once couldn't keep hands off each other now 270 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:55.919 passed each other quietly, each physical touch transactional, a peck 271 00:16:55.960 --> 00:16:58.600 on the cheek, a brush of arms in the hallway. 272 00:16:59.320 --> 00:17:02.879 I wondered constantly if I'd done something to break the spell, 273 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:05.960 or if the spell was ever really mine to begin with. 274 00:17:07.079 --> 00:17:11.200 A week after that last conversation, Elise apologized over omelets. 275 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:15.039 I'm sorry. I know I've been weird. The collective shows 276 00:17:15.079 --> 00:17:19.640 eating my brain. When it's over, things will be easier again, swear. 277 00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:23.400 She handed me an embossed invitation to the group show, 278 00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:27.720 her name bold scrawled across the front. Promise you'll come 279 00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:31.759 as my date. I want you there. Really. The night 280 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:35.920 of the show, she was dazzling black jumpsuit paint, smudged converse, 281 00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:39.000 cheeks flushed with nerves. She held my hand as we 282 00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:41.920 walked through the gallery, beaming at me before introducing a 283 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:45.000 string of people whose names I only half caught. It 284 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:48.640 felt like the Elise I'd missed, Silly, affectionate, proud to 285 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:52.039 show off her work, and, by some extension, me. Every 286 00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:54.880 time she glanced up and caught me watching, she squeezed 287 00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:57.519 my hand or made a face at someone across the room. 288 00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.440 That night, we slipped home together, tipsy and buoyant in bed. 289 00:18:02.599 --> 00:18:06.519 The old pattern returned, soft words, jokes, the sound of 290 00:18:06.519 --> 00:18:09.480 her laughter, like coming up for air after weeks under water. 291 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:14.680 I almost cried from relief. For a while, everything sweetened. 292 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:18.240 Elise lingered in the mornings, made dinner plans with me, 293 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:22.359 even texted funny gifts during work, like old times. I 294 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:25.799 messaged Alisha, I think I had a melt down over nothing. 295 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:30.200 She's just been stressed. You need to stop reading dystopian 296 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.759 romance novels, Alicia wrote back with one of those I 297 00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:38.200 roll emojis. I laughed, the tension finally easing out of 298 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:41.359 my shoulders. So when I woke one morning to a 299 00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:45.599 string of notifications. I didn't expect anything significant, but as 300 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.799 I scrolled past the usual likes and event invites, my 301 00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:53.440 thumb paused on Elise's most recent Instagram post, her new painting, 302 00:18:53.720 --> 00:18:57.519 A bright layered mess of color in the comments, buried 303 00:18:57.559 --> 00:19:01.240 under the heart eyes and so proud messages from friends 304 00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:04.559 I found it. Couldn't have asked for a better night. 305 00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:08.559 Stardust Let's do it Again, posted by some one called 306 00:19:08.680 --> 00:19:12.960 art Jordan. Stardust not a nickname I'd ever heard before, 307 00:19:13.400 --> 00:19:16.440 and I thought Riley that in seven years, you would 308 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:19.759 think I'd have heard all of them. The name snagged 309 00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:22.440 in my thoughts all day. I didn't want to be petty. 310 00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:26.640 Maybe it was just a silly endearment, artists being artists, right. 311 00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:29.440 The more I tried to rationalize it, though, the less 312 00:19:29.480 --> 00:19:32.839 it settled. If I was the only one called Stardust 313 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:36.640 by Elise, I would remember, unless, of course I wasn't 314 00:19:36.680 --> 00:19:39.039 the only one, or unless she was someone else, with 315 00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:44.599 someone else. I searched Art Jordan discreetly, guiltily, feeling both 316 00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:48.079 childish and desperate. Their public profile was as much art 317 00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:52.000 as person. Blurred photos, cryptic captions and a swirl of 318 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:55.039 tags from local art events. Their face was in only 319 00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:59.559 two photos, bony and androgynous, silver rings glinting from every finger, 320 00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:03.640 cro purple hair. The common thread tying posts together was 321 00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:07.440 the hashtag collective nights and stardust. In posts that included 322 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:11.400 Elize's paintings or group shots from shows I'd never attended, 323 00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:15.960 I cross reference their activity obsessively. In the days that followed, 324 00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:20.000 Jordan's account tagged elizes Art more than any other collective 325 00:20:20.039 --> 00:20:24.319 member s, often with references to late studio nights, after 326 00:20:24.359 --> 00:20:29.920 show drinks, spontaneous mystery tour, all public, all plausible, but 327 00:20:29.960 --> 00:20:35.000 the frequency told another story. I found matching Venmo transactions 328 00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:38.960 for cabs, gallery runs, and receipts for gallery openings in 329 00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:43.200 neighborhoods where neither had regularly worked, all time stamped around 330 00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:46.799 the times Elise had claimed to work late or go 331 00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:50.279 home to clear her brain. I peered at our credit 332 00:20:50.359 --> 00:20:54.000 card records, queasy with shame at my own spying. The 333 00:20:54.039 --> 00:20:58.920 receipts lined up too, joint purchases, close time stamps, duplicate 334 00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:02.559 uber charges, sometimes spaced less than ten minutes apart from 335 00:21:02.559 --> 00:21:05.839 opposite ends of the city. It wasn't a smoking gun. 336 00:21:06.119 --> 00:21:08.880 But it looked a lot like a carefully managed dance, 337 00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:11.759 and I didn't remember meeting Jordan at the group show 338 00:21:12.119 --> 00:21:16.519 or hearing about them, not directly. For days, I alternated 339 00:21:16.559 --> 00:21:20.000 between outrage and self disgust. I made myself sick with 340 00:21:20.079 --> 00:21:23.839 imagining everything and nothing. Maybe this was just the intensity 341 00:21:23.839 --> 00:21:27.359 of creative friendships. Maybe artists truly lived at a more 342 00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:32.599 feverish pitch. Still. The locked studio, the flinches, the late nights, 343 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:36.559 the phone always faced down. Those weren't the ellies I married. 344 00:21:37.640 --> 00:21:40.680 I thought about confronting her, then lost my nerve. What 345 00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:43.519 would I say, Hey, why do you have weird nick 346 00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:48.119 names online? I pictured her incredulous face, the weary patience 347 00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:51.000 in her voice as she explained that I was being paranoid, 348 00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:54.200 that art was messier than marketing, that I needed to 349 00:21:54.240 --> 00:21:58.160 trust her, that I was losing my own edge. Instead, 350 00:21:58.200 --> 00:22:00.480 I tried to catch her in a lie. I'd come 351 00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:04.440 home early, listening for sounds from the studio. Usually I 352 00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:06.880 heard only the hum of her work playlist and the 353 00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:11.079 occasional drawn out curse. But one afternoon, while she was out, 354 00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:14.440 I found the door unlocked. My hands shook as I 355 00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:17.960 pushed my way in feeling queasier with every slow step. 356 00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:23.839 The room smelled of turpentine, citrus, and acrylic Elise's familiar world. 357 00:22:24.359 --> 00:22:26.759 On the far desk, under a stack of sketch books 358 00:22:26.759 --> 00:22:30.240 and ragged canvases, I glimpsed something out of place, an 359 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:33.279 old Android phone, face down and taped up with a 360 00:22:33.319 --> 00:22:37.359 thick band of masking tape. Its presence was so incongruous 361 00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:40.880 I almost laughed until the laughter died in my throat. 362 00:22:41.960 --> 00:22:44.880 I peeled up a corner, checked for a password. It 363 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:47.559 was set to pattern unlock, but the pattern was the 364 00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:51.079 same one she'd used on her tablet years ago. My 365 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:53.880 breath steamed in the dimness as I queued it up. 366 00:22:54.319 --> 00:22:57.039 There were only two active threads in the messenger app. 367 00:22:58.039 --> 00:23:03.200 The first was labeled Jay Staccato messages coming meet by ten, 368 00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:07.119 left the print under the stairs, see you. Then nothing 369 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:11.119 outright incriminating at first. The second thread was a cascade 370 00:23:11.160 --> 00:23:15.920 of messages, half art, half something else. You make color dangerous, 371 00:23:15.960 --> 00:23:20.200 You know that, and I've never had a collaborator like you. 372 00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:25.160 Underneath blurred selfies from backstage at events, close ups of 373 00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:30.480 brush strokes, photos of new installations. Then I couldn't keep 374 00:23:30.519 --> 00:23:33.200 my eyes off you in the studio last night. Think 375 00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:37.759 I still smell like your paint and wish we could 376 00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:41.480 do Last Friday again. Stardust, you spark things in me 377 00:23:41.559 --> 00:23:45.440 I haven't felt in forever. I forced myself to scroll, 378 00:23:45.720 --> 00:23:49.519 biting my lips until I tasted metal. There were dates proposed, 379 00:23:49.960 --> 00:23:53.359 Let's get sushi after the opening, you free tonight after 380 00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:57.880 everyone leaves, and then after did you miss me after? 381 00:23:58.960 --> 00:24:02.680 I can still feel you everywhere. I locked the phone, 382 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:06.400 hands slick with sweat, and replaced everything as carefully as 383 00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:09.559 I could. My phone buzzed as I left the room. 384 00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:15.279 Elise text, grabbing coffee, need anything I couldn't move. The 385 00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.440 proof was thicker than accusation. It was a world she'd 386 00:24:18.440 --> 00:24:22.279 built beyond my line of vision, one i'd tried desperately 387 00:24:22.519 --> 00:24:26.640 to believe wasn't real. That night, I met up with Alicia, 388 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:32.559 clutching my beer with white knuckles. Let her explain, Alicia said, quietly, 389 00:24:32.839 --> 00:24:36.720 torn between loyalty and disbelief, you need to hear her out. 390 00:24:37.079 --> 00:24:40.559 Maybe it's more complicated. You deserve the truth, but don't 391 00:24:40.599 --> 00:24:46.079 assume everything yet. I nodded, mute the words useless. I 392 00:24:46.119 --> 00:24:48.640 went home and sat in our living room, the slow 393 00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:51.359 spread of dusk painting the space in blue and gray. 394 00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:55.279 Elise walked in a half hour later, her hair towsled, 395 00:24:55.480 --> 00:25:00.400 her bag heavy with unfinished canvases. She smiled, practiced and tired, 396 00:25:00.759 --> 00:25:03.920 and for the first time I felt the performance between us, 397 00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:08.519 something she'd built with care, now almost convincing herself. We 398 00:25:08.640 --> 00:25:12.200 sat together, not touching, the distance between us shrinking and 399 00:25:12.279 --> 00:25:15.599 stretching with every silent minute. Part of me wanted to 400 00:25:15.640 --> 00:25:19.400 storm into the next room, demand every answer, brandish her 401 00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.440