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<v Speaker 1>Section fifteen of Amusement Only. This is a LibriVox recording.

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<v Speaker 1>All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more

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<v Speaker 1>information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording

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<v Speaker 1>by Jill Janevitz. Amusement Only by Richard March. The Way

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<v Speaker 1>of a Maid with a Man. Miss Whitby writes to

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<v Speaker 1>her mother, My dearest Mamma, you will be surprised, and

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<v Speaker 1>I hope you will be pleased to hear that I

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<v Speaker 1>am engaged to be married. You are not to smile,

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<v Speaker 1>it would be cruel. This really is serious, Charlie, is

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<v Speaker 1>all that a husband should be. You are not to

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<v Speaker 1>laugh at that. You know exactly what I mean. I

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<v Speaker 1>am nearly twenty, and this time I feel that my

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<v Speaker 1>happiness really is at stake. I may not be able

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<v Speaker 1>to keep my looks for long. Some girls lose them

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<v Speaker 1>when they they are quite young. And something seems to

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<v Speaker 1>tell me that I ought to begin to look life

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<v Speaker 1>seriously in the face and become responsible. I almost wish

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<v Speaker 1>that I had taken to district visiting like Emma Mortimer.

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<v Speaker 1>It might have balanced me. Poor Emma, what a pity

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<v Speaker 1>she is so plain? Will you mind hinting to Tom

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<v Speaker 1>Wilson that I think he might be happy with Nora Cathcart.

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<v Speaker 1>It is true that I made him promise that he

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<v Speaker 1>would never speak to her again, but all that is over.

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<v Speaker 1>I hope you will not think me fickle. Dear Mamma,

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<v Speaker 1>I enclosed the ring Tom gave me. Will you please

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<v Speaker 1>give it to him and point out to him that

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<v Speaker 1>I am now persuaded that boy and girl attachments never

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<v Speaker 1>come to anything serious. By the way, do not forget

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<v Speaker 1>to tell them to send two pairs of evening shoes.

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<v Speaker 1>Those which I have are quite worn out. Let both

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<v Speaker 1>pairs be perfectly plain bronze. Charlie thinks they make my

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<v Speaker 1>feet looks almost ethereal. Is he not absurd? But I

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<v Speaker 1>hope you will not think so when you come to

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<v Speaker 1>know him, for he loves your child. You might also

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<v Speaker 1>ask them to send me a dozen pairs of stockings,

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<v Speaker 1>nice ones. All mine seemed to be in holes. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>I like them as long as you can get them.

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<v Speaker 1>I have been here nearly a month, and I have

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<v Speaker 1>been almost engaged to three different men. How time does

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<v Speaker 1>seem to fly? Lily says, I am a heartless little flirt.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that perhaps I was until he came. He

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<v Speaker 1>has been here just a week, and I seem to

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<v Speaker 1>have known him years. Lily seems to be under the

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<v Speaker 1>impression that I was engaged to Captain Pentland. She is wrong.

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<v Speaker 1>Captain Pentland has some very noble qualities. He is destined

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<v Speaker 1>to make some true woman profoundly happy. Of that, I

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<v Speaker 1>have no doubt what But I am not that woman, no,

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<v Speaker 1>dear Mamma, I feel that now. Besides, he wears an eyeglass.

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<v Speaker 1>As you are aware, I have always had an inseparable

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<v Speaker 1>objection to an eyeglass. It seems to savor of affectation,

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<v Speaker 1>an affectation I cannot stand. And then he lisps. As

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<v Speaker 1>I told you when I wrote you last, when I

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<v Speaker 1>sprained my ankle on high down Hill, he carried me

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<v Speaker 1>in his arms for over a mile. Of course, I

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<v Speaker 1>was grateful, and between you and me, dear Mamma, he

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<v Speaker 1>held me so very closely to him that afterwards I

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<v Speaker 1>felt as if I ought to marry him. I have

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<v Speaker 1>explained everything to Charlie. He quite agrees with me that

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<v Speaker 1>it is absurd for Captain Pentland to think himself ill

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<v Speaker 1>used while I think of it when you are in town.

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<v Speaker 1>Would you tell them to send me a box of

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<v Speaker 1>assorted chocolates, you know the kind I like. There is

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<v Speaker 1>nothing of that sort to be had here, and I

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<v Speaker 1>do so long for some Charlie is Lily's cousin. Do

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<v Speaker 1>you think that cousins ought to kiss each other? I

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<v Speaker 1>wish I could get the opinion of someone on whose

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<v Speaker 1>judgment I could implicitly rely at any rate, even supposing

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<v Speaker 1>that they ought. I am quite sure that there should

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<v Speaker 1>be limits before long. I am afraid that I shall

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<v Speaker 1>have to give Charlie a hint that I do not think,

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<v Speaker 1>under the circumstances, that he ought to kiss Lily quite

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<v Speaker 1>as much as he does me. She may be his cousin,

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<v Speaker 1>but she is young, and she is pretty, and cousins

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<v Speaker 1>are not sisters. It is nonsense for people to pretend

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<v Speaker 1>that they are. The odd part of it is that

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<v Speaker 1>if Charlie had not been so fond of kissing Lily,

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<v Speaker 1>I might not be going to marry him. Now. I

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<v Speaker 1>knew that he was coming, and I was sitting alone

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<v Speaker 1>in the drawing room in a half light, with my

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<v Speaker 1>back to the door, when suddenly some one putting his

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<v Speaker 1>arm round my waist, lifting me off my feet, twisted

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<v Speaker 1>me right round, and began kissing me on my eyes

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<v Speaker 1>and lips and everywhere. I thought it was Captain Pentland,

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<v Speaker 1>though I was astonished at such behavior, even from him,

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<v Speaker 1>because it was only that morning and we quarreled, You

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<v Speaker 1>may judge of my astonishment when I was again able

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<v Speaker 1>to look out of my own eyes to find myself

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<v Speaker 1>being held as if I were a baby or a

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<v Speaker 1>doll in the arms of a perfect giant of a

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<v Speaker 1>man whom I had never seen before. You may imagine

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<v Speaker 1>how shocked I felt, because, as you know well, my

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<v Speaker 1>views on such subjects, which I owe to your dear teaching, are,

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<v Speaker 1>if anything too severe. I will do him the just

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<v Speaker 1>to admit that he seemed to be almost as much

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<v Speaker 1>shocked as I was. I beg your pardon, he said

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<v Speaker 1>ten thousand times. I thought that you were, Lily. He

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<v Speaker 1>put me down very much as you handle your chelsea cups, Mamma,

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<v Speaker 1>softly and delicately, as if he had been afraid of

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<v Speaker 1>chipping pieces off of me. I suppose you are, Charlie.

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<v Speaker 1>He spoke more lightly and more cheerfully than I felt.

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<v Speaker 1>He seemed so ashamed of himself and so confused that

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<v Speaker 1>I pitied him. You know, dear Mamma, that when people

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<v Speaker 1>know and feel that they have done wrong, I always

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<v Speaker 1>pity them. I cannot help it. It is my nature.

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<v Speaker 1>All flesh is weak. I myself am prone to air.

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<v Speaker 1>When Lily did appear, we were talking quite as if

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<v Speaker 1>we knew each other, And that is how it began.

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<v Speaker 1>It is odd how these sort of things seemed to begin.

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<v Speaker 1>As you are aware, I speak as one who has

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<v Speaker 1>had experience. I shall always believe that it was only

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<v Speaker 1>the breaking of a shoelace which first brought Norman Elliott

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<v Speaker 1>and me together. But those chapters in my life are closed.

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<v Speaker 1>In the days which are past. I may have seemed

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<v Speaker 1>to hesitate, to occasionally change my mind, But now my

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<v Speaker 1>life is linked to Charlie by bonds which shall never

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<v Speaker 1>be broken. I feel as if I were already married.

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<v Speaker 1>The gravity of existence is commencing to weigh upon my mind.

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<v Speaker 1>A woman when she is nearly twenty is no longer young. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I remember it. When you send the chocolates, don't send

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<v Speaker 1>any walnuts. I am sick of them variously. Flavor creams

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<v Speaker 1>are what I really like. And let two pairs of

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<v Speaker 1>the stockings be light blue with bronze stripes high up

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<v Speaker 1>in the leg. I cannot truly say that Lily is

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<v Speaker 1>behaving to me quite nicely. In my relations to Charlie.

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<v Speaker 1>I do not wish to wrong her, even in my thoughts.

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<v Speaker 1>She's the very dearest friend I have. But sometimes I

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<v Speaker 1>cannot help thinking that she had an eye on Charlie

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<v Speaker 1>for herself, Because when the other morning I was telling

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<v Speaker 1>her how strongly I disapproved of Cousan's marrying, if she

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<v Speaker 1>had not been Lily, whose single hearted affection I had

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<v Speaker 1>every faith in, I should have said that she was

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<v Speaker 1>positively rude. Charlie only proposed to me last night, Yet,

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<v Speaker 1>although she must have seen what was coming in the afternoon,

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<v Speaker 1>she was actually talking to me of Norman Elliot, as

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<v Speaker 1>if I had been to blame. Mister Elliot and I

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<v Speaker 1>never really were engaged. Some people jump to conclusions without

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<v Speaker 1>proper justification, And am I compelled to answer a person's

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<v Speaker 1>letters if for reasons of my own quite private reasons,

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<v Speaker 1>I do not choose to. She came to my bedroom

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<v Speaker 1>last night, just as I was going to bed. I

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<v Speaker 1>told her what Charley had said and what I had said.

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<v Speaker 1>Of course I expected her to congratulate me as in

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<v Speaker 1>circumstances such as mine, A girl's best friend ought to do.

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<v Speaker 1>She heard me to an end, and she looked at

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<v Speaker 1>me and said, so you've done it again. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know about it again, dear Lily, I replied, but it

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<v Speaker 1>would seem as if I had done it at last.

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<v Speaker 1>I am feeling so happy that it almost makes me afraid.

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<v Speaker 1>Some girls would feel afraid if they had a reason

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<v Speaker 1>to be conscious of the fact that they had engaged

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<v Speaker 1>themselves to marry three men at once. I could not

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<v Speaker 1>help but notice that a jaring something was in her tone,

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<v Speaker 1>but I paid no heed to it. My thoughts were elsewhere.

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<v Speaker 1>How wrong it is, I murmured the people to scoff

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<v Speaker 1>at love. They cannot know what love is as I

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<v Speaker 1>I do. Perhaps not, I should think that what you

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<v Speaker 1>don't know about love may isn't worth knowing, I sighed.

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<v Speaker 1>I fancy, Lily, dear, that I have heard stories about you,

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<v Speaker 1>I dare say, but I never snapped up your favorite

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<v Speaker 1>cousin from under your nose passibly. You will not mind

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<v Speaker 1>telling me if you do mean to marry one of them,

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<v Speaker 1>and if so, which Lily, How can you ask me

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<v Speaker 1>such a question. Have I not just been telling you

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<v Speaker 1>that there is only one man in the world for

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<v Speaker 1>me henceforth and forever, and that his name is Charlie

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<v Speaker 1>Exactly only last week you told me precisely the same story,

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<v Speaker 1>and his name was Jim. Well, about a fortnight ago

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<v Speaker 1>it was Norman, my dearest Mamma. You see, I am

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<v Speaker 1>making a clean breast of everything to you. I own

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<v Speaker 1>quite candidly that since I have been here, I have

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<v Speaker 1>not behaved precisely as I might have done, and indeed

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<v Speaker 1>ought to have done. I do not know how it

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<v Speaker 1>is I meant to be good. I'm sure that nothing

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<v Speaker 1>could have been better than my many resolutions. I have

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<v Speaker 1>no idea that they could have been so easily broken.

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<v Speaker 1>It only shows, after all, how fragile we are. I

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<v Speaker 1>felt that strange and sad, though it seems Lily was

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<v Speaker 1>not wholly unjust. I got up from my chair and

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<v Speaker 1>I knelt at her feet, and I pillowed my head

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<v Speaker 1>in her lap, and I cried, Oh, Lily, I've been

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<v Speaker 1>so wicked. You can't think how sorry I am. Now

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<v Speaker 1>that it's too late, I wish you to help me

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<v Speaker 1>and tell me what I ought to do. I'm a

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<v Speaker 1>bit of a dab at a cry myself. She said,

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<v Speaker 1>so if you take my advice to begin with, you'll

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<v Speaker 1>literally dry up. Was it not unkind? And was it

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<v Speaker 1>not vulgar? But I sometimes think that Lily's heart is

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<v Speaker 1>like the nether millstone, so hard, you know? She went on,

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<v Speaker 1>If you do mean business with Charley, and you do

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<v Speaker 1>want my advice, you'll just tell him everything you have

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<v Speaker 1>been doing and leave the solution of the situation to him.

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<v Speaker 1>I made up my mind there and then that that

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<v Speaker 1>was exactly what I would do. I resolved that I

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<v Speaker 1>would have no secrets from my husband, particularly as he

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<v Speaker 1>would be sure to be told them by unfriendly lips

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<v Speaker 1>if he did not learn them from mine. Besides, in

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<v Speaker 1>such matters, a man is so much more generous and

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<v Speaker 1>so much more sympathetic than a woman, especially the man.

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<v Speaker 1>Nor does he value you any less because he finds

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<v Speaker 1>that someone else happens to value you a little too.

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<v Speaker 1>So directly, LILYA gone. I let my hair down, I

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<v Speaker 1>put on my light blue dressing jacket and a touch

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<v Speaker 1>of powder, and I waited press I heard steps coming

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<v Speaker 1>along the passage. I opened the door. Sure enough, it

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<v Speaker 1>was Charlie, just going to bed at sight of me,

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<v Speaker 1>he started. I was conscious that I was perhaps acting

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<v Speaker 1>with some imprudence, but I could not help it. My

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<v Speaker 1>entire happiness was at stake. You know, dear Mamma, that

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<v Speaker 1>I too look nice in that pretty dressing jacket, with

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<v Speaker 1>my hair not at all untidy, but simply let down.

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<v Speaker 1>You yourself have told me that, in every sense of

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<v Speaker 1>the word, I look so young. He held out his

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<v Speaker 1>hands to me. Under Abmis's apprehension, I shrank back. Mister Mason,

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<v Speaker 1>I began, very softly, within my voice, a sort of sob.

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<v Speaker 1>I could not rest until I had told you. All

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<v Speaker 1>that has passed between us tonight must be considered as unsaid.

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<v Speaker 1>He started, as if I had struck him. I could

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<v Speaker 1>see that his face went white. Miss Whitby May, What

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<v Speaker 1>do you mean? He seemed to gasp for breath. After all,

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<v Speaker 1>it is only natural that you should not love a

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<v Speaker 1>great hulking idiot such as I am. You are mistaken.

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<v Speaker 1>You are not a great hulking idiot, and I do

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<v Speaker 1>love you. I shall never love anyone but you. It

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<v Speaker 1>is you who will not love me. When you have

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<v Speaker 1>heard all I have to say? What nonsense? Are you

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<v Speaker 1>talking again? He held out his arms to me, and

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<v Speaker 1>again I shrank away. It is not nonsense. I wish

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<v Speaker 1>it were so far as it is from being nonsense

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<v Speaker 1>that I felt that I could not be at peace

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<v Speaker 1>until my conscience was unburdened. I paused. I thought the

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<v Speaker 1>crucial moment was arriving. My voice sank lower. Some one

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<v Speaker 1>else was staying here before you came. Yes, I know,

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<v Speaker 1>Lily told me a man named Pentland. Oh Lily told

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<v Speaker 1>you so much, did she did? Lily also tell you

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<v Speaker 1>that the man named Pentland had bad taste enough to

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<v Speaker 1>fancy that he had fallen in love with me. Bad

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<v Speaker 1>taste you call it. I know nothing about the man,

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<v Speaker 1>but there evidently can be no sort of doubt about

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<v Speaker 1>his perfect taste. But Charlie, I mean, mister Mason. You

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<v Speaker 1>don't you mean Charlie dear Mamma. Once more, I sighed,

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<v Speaker 1>I perceived there would have to be. Some men are

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<v Speaker 1>so dictorial. The word of it is that he worried

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<v Speaker 1>and worried me, so I was staying in the same

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<v Speaker 1>house and couldn't get away from him. You see that

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<v Speaker 1>he made me almost think I cared for him. But

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<v Speaker 1>now you have come and made me see what a

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<v Speaker 1>mistake it was, my little love. For the third time

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<v Speaker 1>he yeld out his arms to me, and this time

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<v Speaker 1>he took me in them. I could not find it

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<v Speaker 1>in my heart to resist him any longer. It might

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<v Speaker 1>be the last time he would ever hold me. There,

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<v Speaker 1>I continued my remarks, with my head not very far

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<v Speaker 1>from his waistcoat. He smoothed my hair very softly with

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<v Speaker 1>his great right hand. Unfortunately, I am not at all

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<v Speaker 1>sure that Captain Pentland does not think that in a

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<v Speaker 1>sort of way, I am engaged to him. Oh, Charlie,

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<v Speaker 1>whatever shall I do? Tell him the truth, Say that

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<v Speaker 1>you're sorry for him, poor chap. But even the best

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<v Speaker 1>regulated girls will make mistakes. I'm the mistake you've made.

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<v Speaker 1>I was silent. Then I whispered, will you forgive me?

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<v Speaker 1>It strikes me that is I who ought to ask

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<v Speaker 1>you to forgive me, for not having been the first

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<v Speaker 1>to come upon the scene. This was throwing a new

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<v Speaker 1>light upon the subject. It had not occurred to me

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<v Speaker 1>to look at it from that point of before, but

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<v Speaker 1>I had not come to the end of my confessions.

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<v Speaker 1>Dear Mamma, how careful we women ought to be? Is

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<v Speaker 1>these crisis in our lives, which makes us feel what

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<v Speaker 1>short sighted mortals we actually are. Before Captain Pentland came,

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<v Speaker 1>I was pulling at one of his buttons on his

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<v Speaker 1>waistcoat as I spoke, and I realized what a big

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<v Speaker 1>heart Charley's must be, if it is at all in

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<v Speaker 1>proportion to his chest. Another friend of Lily's was stopping

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<v Speaker 1>in the house. Yes, I could not help you, be

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<v Speaker 1>conscious of a certain hesitation in his pronunciation of the word.

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<v Speaker 1>His name was Eliot. Well, there had been a moment's

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<v Speaker 1>silence before he spoke, and when he had spoken, there

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<v Speaker 1>ensued a portentous pause. I hid my face still more

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<v Speaker 1>from his examining gaze. My voice seemed almost to die away.

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<v Speaker 1>He also professed to bestow on me the gift of

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<v Speaker 1>his affection the devil he did. Yes, Mamma, that was

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<v Speaker 1>precisely what he said. It made me shiver, But he

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<v Speaker 1>was so sorry as soon as the words have passed

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<v Speaker 1>his lips. Forgive me. I didn't mean it. After all,

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<v Speaker 1>it is only to be expected that every man who

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<v Speaker 1>sees you will fall in love with you at sight.

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<v Speaker 1>I wondered if he would talk to me like that

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<v Speaker 1>in years to come. Do husbands of ten years standing

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<v Speaker 1>say such things unto their wives. Oh how ashamed of

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<v Speaker 1>myself I felt as I thought of what I still

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<v Speaker 1>had to admit. Dear Mamma, I will try hard never

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<v Speaker 1>again to do what my conscience tells me is not right.

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<v Speaker 1>If only we would listen to that still small voice

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<v Speaker 1>which seeks to guide us. Charley, you have no notion

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<v Speaker 1>how foolish I have been until you came. I had

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<v Speaker 1>no proper conception of the actualities of existence. Mister Elliot

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<v Speaker 1>caused me to confuse the issues, just as Captain Pentland did.

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<v Speaker 1>He hit me out a little way in from him,

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<v Speaker 1>trying to look into my face. I was careful not

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<v Speaker 1>to let him see too much of it. I hung

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<v Speaker 1>my head down with what I do hope, Mamma, was

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<v Speaker 1>proper penitence. Let me know clearly where we are, little girl.

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<v Speaker 1>Am I to understand you to say that both these

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<v Speaker 1>men asked you to marry them. I am afraid, Charlie,

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<v Speaker 1>that you are understanding something of the kind, and that

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<v Speaker 1>you gave both of them encouragement. I looked up at him,

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<v Speaker 1>such a look, Mamma. My eyes were swimming in tears.

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<v Speaker 1>I knew he would not tell me to dry up.

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<v Speaker 1>My heart seemed to be rising to my lips. What

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<v Speaker 1>real encouragement? I never gave any one real encouragement, Charlie

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<v Speaker 1>till I knew you. Even in your case, I fear

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<v Speaker 1>I ought to have been more reticent. But you cannot

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<v Speaker 1>have the least idea of what a wide world of

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<v Speaker 1>love you seem to have opened out to me. Won't

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<v Speaker 1>you forgive me for encouraging you, dear mamma, He collapsed.

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<v Speaker 1>Of what took place during the moment, moments which immediately followed,

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<v Speaker 1>I can give you no definite description. I know I

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<v Speaker 1>began to think that the end of the world had come.

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<v Speaker 1>When he had quite finished, he said, look here, young lady,

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<v Speaker 1>what is past is pass. We will make no further

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<v Speaker 1>allusions to what took place before the war. But in

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<v Speaker 1>the future, perhaps you will kindly manage, not as you

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<v Speaker 1>put it, to confuse the issues, but will continue to

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<v Speaker 1>confine yourself to encouraging me. I said, But noble of him,

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<v Speaker 1>and so sweet, I am persuaded that his character is

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<v Speaker 1>one of singular beauty. Dear Mamma, the passages which ensued

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<v Speaker 1>were too sacred even for your dear eyes. When he

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<v Speaker 1>left me, I felt certain it was to dream of him.

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<v Speaker 1>I know that all night long I treamt of him,

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<v Speaker 1>and on my knees besides my bed I registered a

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<v Speaker 1>bow that in time to come I would be as

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<v Speaker 1>good as I possibly can. Do not forget the shoe,

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<v Speaker 1>and the stockings and the chocolates, and do give tom

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<v Speaker 1>as ring. I am registering this letter so you are

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<v Speaker 1>sure to get it safe. I will bring or send

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<v Speaker 1>Charlie to you on approval, whenever you please. I am

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<v Speaker 1>my dearest Mamma, your ever loving daughter May and of

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<v Speaker 1>the way of a maid with a man,