Speaker 1: Section fifteen of Amusement Only. This is a LibriVox recording.
Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
Speaker 1: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording
Speaker 1: by Jill Janevitz. Amusement Only by Richard March. The Way
Speaker 1: of a Maid with a Man. Miss Whitby writes to
Speaker 1: her mother, My dearest Mamma, you will be surprised, and
Speaker 1: I hope you will be pleased to hear that I
Speaker 1: am engaged to be married. You are not to smile,
Speaker 1: it would be cruel. This really is serious, Charlie, is
Speaker 1: all that a husband should be. You are not to
Speaker 1: laugh at that. You know exactly what I mean. I
Speaker 1: am nearly twenty, and this time I feel that my
Speaker 1: happiness really is at stake. I may not be able
Speaker 1: to keep my looks for long. Some girls lose them
Speaker 1: when they they are quite young. And something seems to
Speaker 1: tell me that I ought to begin to look life
Speaker 1: seriously in the face and become responsible. I almost wish
Speaker 1: that I had taken to district visiting like Emma Mortimer.
Speaker 1: It might have balanced me. Poor Emma, what a pity
Speaker 1: she is so plain? Will you mind hinting to Tom
Speaker 1: Wilson that I think he might be happy with Nora Cathcart.
Speaker 1: It is true that I made him promise that he
Speaker 1: would never speak to her again, but all that is over.
Speaker 1: I hope you will not think me fickle. Dear Mamma,
Speaker 1: I enclosed the ring Tom gave me. Will you please
Speaker 1: give it to him and point out to him that
Speaker 1: I am now persuaded that boy and girl attachments never
Speaker 1: come to anything serious. By the way, do not forget
Speaker 1: to tell them to send two pairs of evening shoes.
Speaker 1: Those which I have are quite worn out. Let both
Speaker 1: pairs be perfectly plain bronze. Charlie thinks they make my
Speaker 1: feet looks almost ethereal. Is he not absurd? But I
Speaker 1: hope you will not think so when you come to
Speaker 1: know him, for he loves your child. You might also
Speaker 1: ask them to send me a dozen pairs of stockings,
Speaker 1: nice ones. All mine seemed to be in holes. You know,
Speaker 1: I like them as long as you can get them.
Speaker 1: I have been here nearly a month, and I have
Speaker 1: been almost engaged to three different men. How time does
Speaker 1: seem to fly? Lily says, I am a heartless little flirt.
Speaker 1: I think that perhaps I was until he came. He
Speaker 1: has been here just a week, and I seem to
Speaker 1: have known him years. Lily seems to be under the
Speaker 1: impression that I was engaged to Captain Pentland. She is wrong.
Speaker 1: Captain Pentland has some very noble qualities. He is destined
Speaker 1: to make some true woman profoundly happy. Of that, I
Speaker 1: have no doubt what But I am not that woman, no,
Speaker 1: dear Mamma, I feel that now. Besides, he wears an eyeglass.
Speaker 1: As you are aware, I have always had an inseparable
Speaker 1: objection to an eyeglass. It seems to savor of affectation,
Speaker 1: an affectation I cannot stand. And then he lisps. As
Speaker 1: I told you when I wrote you last, when I
Speaker 1: sprained my ankle on high down Hill, he carried me
Speaker 1: in his arms for over a mile. Of course, I
Speaker 1: was grateful, and between you and me, dear Mamma, he
Speaker 1: held me so very closely to him that afterwards I
Speaker 1: felt as if I ought to marry him. I have
Speaker 1: explained everything to Charlie. He quite agrees with me that
Speaker 1: it is absurd for Captain Pentland to think himself ill
Speaker 1: used while I think of it when you are in town.
Speaker 1: Would you tell them to send me a box of
Speaker 1: assorted chocolates, you know the kind I like. There is
Speaker 1: nothing of that sort to be had here, and I
Speaker 1: do so long for some Charlie is Lily's cousin. Do
Speaker 1: you think that cousins ought to kiss each other? I
Speaker 1: wish I could get the opinion of someone on whose
Speaker 1: judgment I could implicitly rely at any rate, even supposing
Speaker 1: that they ought. I am quite sure that there should
Speaker 1: be limits before long. I am afraid that I shall
Speaker 1: have to give Charlie a hint that I do not think,
Speaker 1: under the circumstances, that he ought to kiss Lily quite
Speaker 1: as much as he does me. She may be his cousin,
Speaker 1: but she is young, and she is pretty, and cousins
Speaker 1: are not sisters. It is nonsense for people to pretend
Speaker 1: that they are. The odd part of it is that
Speaker 1: if Charlie had not been so fond of kissing Lily,
Speaker 1: I might not be going to marry him. Now. I
Speaker 1: knew that he was coming, and I was sitting alone
Speaker 1: in the drawing room in a half light, with my
Speaker 1: back to the door, when suddenly some one putting his
Speaker 1: arm round my waist, lifting me off my feet, twisted
Speaker 1: me right round, and began kissing me on my eyes
Speaker 1: and lips and everywhere. I thought it was Captain Pentland,
Speaker 1: though I was astonished at such behavior, even from him,
Speaker 1: because it was only that morning and we quarreled, You
Speaker 1: may judge of my astonishment when I was again able
Speaker 1: to look out of my own eyes to find myself
Speaker 1: being held as if I were a baby or a
Speaker 1: doll in the arms of a perfect giant of a
Speaker 1: man whom I had never seen before. You may imagine
Speaker 1: how shocked I felt, because, as you know well, my
Speaker 1: views on such subjects, which I owe to your dear teaching, are,
Speaker 1: if anything too severe. I will do him the just
Speaker 1: to admit that he seemed to be almost as much
Speaker 1: shocked as I was. I beg your pardon, he said
Speaker 1: ten thousand times. I thought that you were, Lily. He
Speaker 1: put me down very much as you handle your chelsea cups, Mamma,
Speaker 1: softly and delicately, as if he had been afraid of
Speaker 1: chipping pieces off of me. I suppose you are, Charlie.
Speaker 1: He spoke more lightly and more cheerfully than I felt.
Speaker 1: He seemed so ashamed of himself and so confused that
Speaker 1: I pitied him. You know, dear Mamma, that when people
Speaker 1: know and feel that they have done wrong, I always
Speaker 1: pity them. I cannot help it. It is my nature.
Speaker 1: All flesh is weak. I myself am prone to air.
Speaker 1: When Lily did appear, we were talking quite as if
Speaker 1: we knew each other, And that is how it began.
Speaker 1: It is odd how these sort of things seemed to begin.
Speaker 1: As you are aware, I speak as one who has
Speaker 1: had experience. I shall always believe that it was only
Speaker 1: the breaking of a shoelace which first brought Norman Elliott
Speaker 1: and me together. But those chapters in my life are closed.
Speaker 1: In the days which are past. I may have seemed
Speaker 1: to hesitate, to occasionally change my mind, But now my
Speaker 1: life is linked to Charlie by bonds which shall never
Speaker 1: be broken. I feel as if I were already married.
Speaker 1: The gravity of existence is commencing to weigh upon my mind.
Speaker 1: A woman when she is nearly twenty is no longer young. Well,
Speaker 1: I remember it. When you send the chocolates, don't send
Speaker 1: any walnuts. I am sick of them variously. Flavor creams
Speaker 1: are what I really like. And let two pairs of
Speaker 1: the stockings be light blue with bronze stripes high up
Speaker 1: in the leg. I cannot truly say that Lily is
Speaker 1: behaving to me quite nicely. In my relations to Charlie.
Speaker 1: I do not wish to wrong her, even in my thoughts.
Speaker 1: She's the very dearest friend I have. But sometimes I
Speaker 1: cannot help thinking that she had an eye on Charlie
Speaker 1: for herself, Because when the other morning I was telling
Speaker 1: her how strongly I disapproved of Cousan's marrying, if she
Speaker 1: had not been Lily, whose single hearted affection I had
Speaker 1: every faith in, I should have said that she was
Speaker 1: positively rude. Charlie only proposed to me last night, Yet,
Speaker 1: although she must have seen what was coming in the afternoon,
Speaker 1: she was actually talking to me of Norman Elliot, as
Speaker 1: if I had been to blame. Mister Elliot and I
Speaker 1: never really were engaged. Some people jump to conclusions without
Speaker 1: proper justification, And am I compelled to answer a person's
Speaker 1: letters if for reasons of my own quite private reasons,
Speaker 1: I do not choose to. She came to my bedroom
Speaker 1: last night, just as I was going to bed. I
Speaker 1: told her what Charley had said and what I had said.
Speaker 1: Of course I expected her to congratulate me as in
Speaker 1: circumstances such as mine, A girl's best friend ought to do.
Speaker 1: She heard me to an end, and she looked at
Speaker 1: me and said, so you've done it again. I don't
Speaker 1: know about it again, dear Lily, I replied, but it
Speaker 1: would seem as if I had done it at last.
Speaker 1: I am feeling so happy that it almost makes me afraid.
Speaker 1: Some girls would feel afraid if they had a reason
Speaker 1: to be conscious of the fact that they had engaged
Speaker 1: themselves to marry three men at once. I could not
Speaker 1: help but notice that a jaring something was in her tone,
Speaker 1: but I paid no heed to it. My thoughts were elsewhere.
Speaker 1: How wrong it is, I murmured the people to scoff
Speaker 1: at love. They cannot know what love is as I
Speaker 1: I do. Perhaps not, I should think that what you
Speaker 1: don't know about love may isn't worth knowing, I sighed.
Speaker 1: I fancy, Lily, dear, that I have heard stories about you,
Speaker 1: I dare say, but I never snapped up your favorite
Speaker 1: cousin from under your nose passibly. You will not mind
Speaker 1: telling me if you do mean to marry one of them,
Speaker 1: and if so, which Lily, How can you ask me
Speaker 1: such a question. Have I not just been telling you
Speaker 1: that there is only one man in the world for
Speaker 1: me henceforth and forever, and that his name is Charlie
Speaker 1: Exactly only last week you told me precisely the same story,
Speaker 1: and his name was Jim. Well, about a fortnight ago
Speaker 1: it was Norman, my dearest Mamma. You see, I am
Speaker 1: making a clean breast of everything to you. I own
Speaker 1: quite candidly that since I have been here, I have
Speaker 1: not behaved precisely as I might have done, and indeed
Speaker 1: ought to have done. I do not know how it
Speaker 1: is I meant to be good. I'm sure that nothing
Speaker 1: could have been better than my many resolutions. I have
Speaker 1: no idea that they could have been so easily broken.
Speaker 1: It only shows, after all, how fragile we are. I
Speaker 1: felt that strange and sad, though it seems Lily was
Speaker 1: not wholly unjust. I got up from my chair and
Speaker 1: I knelt at her feet, and I pillowed my head
Speaker 1: in her lap, and I cried, Oh, Lily, I've been
Speaker 1: so wicked. You can't think how sorry I am. Now
Speaker 1: that it's too late, I wish you to help me
Speaker 1: and tell me what I ought to do. I'm a
Speaker 1: bit of a dab at a cry myself. She said,
Speaker 1: so if you take my advice to begin with, you'll
Speaker 1: literally dry up. Was it not unkind? And was it
Speaker 1: not vulgar? But I sometimes think that Lily's heart is
Speaker 1: like the nether millstone, so hard, you know? She went on,
Speaker 1: If you do mean business with Charley, and you do
Speaker 1: want my advice, you'll just tell him everything you have
Speaker 1: been doing and leave the solution of the situation to him.
Speaker 1: I made up my mind there and then that that
Speaker 1: was exactly what I would do. I resolved that I
Speaker 1: would have no secrets from my husband, particularly as he
Speaker 1: would be sure to be told them by unfriendly lips
Speaker 1: if he did not learn them from mine. Besides, in
Speaker 1: such matters, a man is so much more generous and
Speaker 1: so much more sympathetic than a woman, especially the man.
Speaker 1: Nor does he value you any less because he finds
Speaker 1: that someone else happens to value you a little too.
Speaker 1: So directly, LILYA gone. I let my hair down, I
Speaker 1: put on my light blue dressing jacket and a touch
Speaker 1: of powder, and I waited press I heard steps coming
Speaker 1: along the passage. I opened the door. Sure enough, it
Speaker 1: was Charlie, just going to bed at sight of me,
Speaker 1: he started. I was conscious that I was perhaps acting
Speaker 1: with some imprudence, but I could not help it. My
Speaker 1: entire happiness was at stake. You know, dear Mamma, that
Speaker 1: I too look nice in that pretty dressing jacket, with
Speaker 1: my hair not at all untidy, but simply let down.
Speaker 1: You yourself have told me that, in every sense of
Speaker 1: the word, I look so young. He held out his
Speaker 1: hands to me. Under Abmis's apprehension, I shrank back. Mister Mason,
Speaker 1: I began, very softly, within my voice, a sort of sob.
Speaker 1: I could not rest until I had told you. All
Speaker 1: that has passed between us tonight must be considered as unsaid.
Speaker 1: He started, as if I had struck him. I could
Speaker 1: see that his face went white. Miss Whitby May, What
Speaker 1: do you mean? He seemed to gasp for breath. After all,
Speaker 1: it is only natural that you should not love a
Speaker 1: great hulking idiot such as I am. You are mistaken.
Speaker 1: You are not a great hulking idiot, and I do
Speaker 1: love you. I shall never love anyone but you. It
Speaker 1: is you who will not love me. When you have
Speaker 1: heard all I have to say? What nonsense? Are you
Speaker 1: talking again? He held out his arms to me, and
Speaker 1: again I shrank away. It is not nonsense. I wish
Speaker 1: it were so far as it is from being nonsense
Speaker 1: that I felt that I could not be at peace
Speaker 1: until my conscience was unburdened. I paused. I thought the
Speaker 1: crucial moment was arriving. My voice sank lower. Some one
Speaker 1: else was staying here before you came. Yes, I know,
Speaker 1: Lily told me a man named Pentland. Oh Lily told
Speaker 1: you so much, did she did? Lily also tell you
Speaker 1: that the man named Pentland had bad taste enough to
Speaker 1: fancy that he had fallen in love with me. Bad
Speaker 1: taste you call it. I know nothing about the man,
Speaker 1: but there evidently can be no sort of doubt about
Speaker 1: his perfect taste. But Charlie, I mean, mister Mason. You
Speaker 1: don't you mean Charlie dear Mamma. Once more, I sighed,
Speaker 1: I perceived there would have to be. Some men are
Speaker 1: so dictorial. The word of it is that he worried
Speaker 1: and worried me, so I was staying in the same
Speaker 1: house and couldn't get away from him. You see that
Speaker 1: he made me almost think I cared for him. But
Speaker 1: now you have come and made me see what a
Speaker 1: mistake it was, my little love. For the third time
Speaker 1: he yeld out his arms to me, and this time
Speaker 1: he took me in them. I could not find it
Speaker 1: in my heart to resist him any longer. It might
Speaker 1: be the last time he would ever hold me. There,
Speaker 1: I continued my remarks, with my head not very far
Speaker 1: from his waistcoat. He smoothed my hair very softly with
Speaker 1: his great right hand. Unfortunately, I am not at all
Speaker 1: sure that Captain Pentland does not think that in a
Speaker 1: sort of way, I am engaged to him. Oh, Charlie,
Speaker 1: whatever shall I do? Tell him the truth, Say that
Speaker 1: you're sorry for him, poor chap. But even the best
Speaker 1: regulated girls will make mistakes. I'm the mistake you've made.
Speaker 1: I was silent. Then I whispered, will you forgive me?
Speaker 1: It strikes me that is I who ought to ask
Speaker 1: you to forgive me, for not having been the first
Speaker 1: to come upon the scene. This was throwing a new
Speaker 1: light upon the subject. It had not occurred to me
Speaker 1: to look at it from that point of before, but
Speaker 1: I had not come to the end of my confessions.
Speaker 1: Dear Mamma, how careful we women ought to be? Is
Speaker 1: these crisis in our lives, which makes us feel what
Speaker 1: short sighted mortals we actually are. Before Captain Pentland came,
Speaker 1: I was pulling at one of his buttons on his
Speaker 1: waistcoat as I spoke, and I realized what a big
Speaker 1: heart Charley's must be, if it is at all in
Speaker 1: proportion to his chest. Another friend of Lily's was stopping
Speaker 1: in the house. Yes, I could not help you, be
Speaker 1: conscious of a certain hesitation in his pronunciation of the word.
Speaker 1: His name was Eliot. Well, there had been a moment's
Speaker 1: silence before he spoke, and when he had spoken, there
Speaker 1: ensued a portentous pause. I hid my face still more
Speaker 1: from his examining gaze. My voice seemed almost to die away.
Speaker 1: He also professed to bestow on me the gift of
Speaker 1: his affection the devil he did. Yes, Mamma, that was
Speaker 1: precisely what he said. It made me shiver, But he
Speaker 1: was so sorry as soon as the words have passed
Speaker 1: his lips. Forgive me. I didn't mean it. After all,
Speaker 1: it is only to be expected that every man who
Speaker 1: sees you will fall in love with you at sight.
Speaker 1: I wondered if he would talk to me like that
Speaker 1: in years to come. Do husbands of ten years standing
Speaker 1: say such things unto their wives. Oh how ashamed of
Speaker 1: myself I felt as I thought of what I still
Speaker 1: had to admit. Dear Mamma, I will try hard never
Speaker 1: again to do what my conscience tells me is not right.
Speaker 1: If only we would listen to that still small voice
Speaker 1: which seeks to guide us. Charley, you have no notion
Speaker 1: how foolish I have been until you came. I had
Speaker 1: no proper conception of the actualities of existence. Mister Elliot
Speaker 1: caused me to confuse the issues, just as Captain Pentland did.
Speaker 1: He hit me out a little way in from him,
Speaker 1: trying to look into my face. I was careful not
Speaker 1: to let him see too much of it. I hung
Speaker 1: my head down with what I do hope, Mamma, was
Speaker 1: proper penitence. Let me know clearly where we are, little girl.
Speaker 1: Am I to understand you to say that both these
Speaker 1: men asked you to marry them. I am afraid, Charlie,
Speaker 1: that you are understanding something of the kind, and that
Speaker 1: you gave both of them encouragement. I looked up at him,
Speaker 1: such a look, Mamma. My eyes were swimming in tears.
Speaker 1: I knew he would not tell me to dry up.
Speaker 1: My heart seemed to be rising to my lips. What
Speaker 1: real encouragement? I never gave any one real encouragement, Charlie
Speaker 1: till I knew you. Even in your case, I fear
Speaker 1: I ought to have been more reticent. But you cannot
Speaker 1: have the least idea of what a wide world of
Speaker 1: love you seem to have opened out to me. Won't
Speaker 1: you forgive me for encouraging you, dear mamma, He collapsed.
Speaker 1: Of what took place during the moment, moments which immediately followed,
Speaker 1: I can give you no definite description. I know I
Speaker 1: began to think that the end of the world had come.
Speaker 1: When he had quite finished, he said, look here, young lady,
Speaker 1: what is past is pass. We will make no further
Speaker 1: allusions to what took place before the war. But in
Speaker 1: the future, perhaps you will kindly manage, not as you
Speaker 1: put it, to confuse the issues, but will continue to
Speaker 1: confine yourself to encouraging me. I said, But noble of him,
Speaker 1: and so sweet, I am persuaded that his character is
Speaker 1: one of singular beauty. Dear Mamma, the passages which ensued
Speaker 1: were too sacred even for your dear eyes. When he
Speaker 1: left me, I felt certain it was to dream of him.
Speaker 1: I know that all night long I treamt of him,
Speaker 1: and on my knees besides my bed I registered a
Speaker 1: bow that in time to come I would be as
Speaker 1: good as I possibly can. Do not forget the shoe,
Speaker 1: and the stockings and the chocolates, and do give tom
Speaker 1: as ring. I am registering this letter so you are
Speaker 1: sure to get it safe. I will bring or send
Speaker 1: Charlie to you on approval, whenever you please. I am
Speaker 1: my dearest Mamma, your ever loving daughter May and of
Speaker 1: the way of a maid with a man,