WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.400 There's a certain quality to the city around nine p m. 2 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:08.199 Not late enough for most people to be done with 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:11.679 their evenings, not early enough to justify pajamas and sleep. 4 00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:14.320 Our block a web of narrow downtown cross streets and 5 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:17.160 dog were trees pressed between galleries and quirky coffee shops. 6 00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:19.160 Leans into a hush at that hour, except for the 7 00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:21.480 elevator has grown and the occasional rattle of high heels 8 00:00:21.559 --> 00:00:24.839 or skateboard wheels outside our windows. I was standing by 9 00:00:24.839 --> 00:00:27.160 the bay window of our four fore loft, the cold 10 00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:29.519 wood of the soul pressed against my leg, watching out 11 00:00:29.559 --> 00:00:31.280 over the city lights in the shadow of the park 12 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:35.200 across the street. Our dog, Reef was somewhere below his collar, 13 00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:39.000 faintly jingling. Joel was with him. I couldn't see them clearly, 14 00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:40.960 but the corner of the building cast a bright wash 15 00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:43.719 over the sidewalk, and there were shadows moving jewels, hunched 16 00:00:43.719 --> 00:00:45.560 over in the absent minded way he walks when he's 17 00:00:45.560 --> 00:00:47.840 trying not to look eager Reef nosing at litter in 18 00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:50.280 the gutter. But that night there was a new figure, 19 00:00:50.840 --> 00:00:53.479 a woman, hair pulled up, long coat, bright shoes that 20 00:00:53.560 --> 00:00:55.479 caught the lamp light as she leaning closer to Joel. 21 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:58.560 I wasn't spying, not really. The window was open, and 22 00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:02.000 their voices carried up in fragments. I heard laughter, hers 23 00:01:02.280 --> 00:01:06.519 warm and rolling than Joel's, softer but undeniably free, no prudence, 24 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:09.439 intimate in a way I'd never quite tear from him, 25 00:01:09.480 --> 00:01:11.560 at least not since our second or third year together, 26 00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:14.799 though maybe before careers and leases. Enjoying taxes and a 27 00:01:14.879 --> 00:01:17.480 comfort of habit. My hand tensed around the stem of 28 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:20.400 a wine glass, and I caught myself just two people 29 00:01:20.439 --> 00:01:23.280 laughing by a dog, maybe someone from one of the 30 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:27.640 lower floors, a neighbor. Joel waved one hand, fingers, tracing 31 00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:29.400 a gesture I had seen him use when he's telling 32 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:32.599 a story. The woman's laughter rose again, a light touch 33 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:35.200 that brushed the edge of something private. Is this what 34 00:01:35.280 --> 00:01:38.640 suspicion sounds like? The split second when affection in a 35 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:41.400 partner's voice seems foreign, too bright, teapracticed, too delighted for 36 00:01:41.400 --> 00:01:44.719 public consumption. I hated myself for not wanting him happy 37 00:01:44.719 --> 00:01:47.840 in that moment. Ten minutes after their laughter faded, Joel 38 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:49.959 came back through our heavy front door, smelling like rain 39 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:52.439 and cheeks high with color. He let Reef off the 40 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:54.680 leash and drop to the rug, scruffing the dog's ears 41 00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:57.280 with both hands, muttering best boy in a pop up 42 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.519 gallery scene. Reef, who normally would have trotted immediately to 43 00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:03.319 my side, lingered with Joel, instead, thumping his tail against 44 00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:05.640 Joel's leg and then sprawling alongside him with a long, 45 00:02:05.719 --> 00:02:09.000 trusting sigh. Joel looked up at me with unfiltered cheerfulness, 46 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.319 the sort that's almost sticky. He eating without me, he asked, 47 00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:15.080 wandering to the kitchen, and I realized my possor had 48 00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:18.000 called past the point of comfort. He mentioned nothing about 49 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:21.800 the woman, nothing about the conversation, just start of rinsing 50 00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:23.759 spinach in a and Ken talking about a new street 51 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:26.759 me rolled down by Saint Mark's. I press light as 52 00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:29.840 I could manage run into any one interesting. He grinned 53 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:32.960 over his shoulder, almost coy, but just the usual people 54 00:02:33.039 --> 00:02:35.159 and their dogs got barked at by an off leash. Chuowah, 55 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:38.120 if that counts. I watched him how his lips compressed 56 00:02:38.120 --> 00:02:40.560 to avoid grinning. The delay of his blink, though little 57 00:02:40.560 --> 00:02:42.919 skip in his stride as he moved around the kitchen island. 58 00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:46.000 I would have given myself any explanation in that moment, 59 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:48.919 but suspicion breathed into me, root and branch, and draped 60 00:02:48.919 --> 00:02:52.080 itself across the room. Was it possible to imagine betrayal 61 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:54.719 into existence? Or was it already there creeping in through 62 00:02:54.719 --> 00:02:57.599 the cracks we'd left in trust. We met a decade ago, 63 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:01.680 almost by accident, at a friend's opening down Williamsburg. Joel 64 00:03:01.719 --> 00:03:04.560 had just landed his first solo portrait series, still clinging 65 00:03:04.599 --> 00:03:07.039 to the afterglow of critical validation, and I was running late. 66 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:10.360 She's pinching, sweating through an oversized linen jacket. He offered 67 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:12.360 me a bottle of water, made some of hand joke 68 00:03:12.360 --> 00:03:14.520 about the performance artists locked in a glass tank, and 69 00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:17.400 I laughed so loud that bartonders stared. That was it. 70 00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:20.800 Over the next year, we stitched ourselves around each other's schedules, 71 00:03:20.879 --> 00:03:23.199 late night edits and coffee shops, and promptu road trips 72 00:03:23.280 --> 00:03:25.960 up state to photograph turning leaves, fights over through delivery 73 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:28.840 roofed obsessions with friends. When we still believed adulthood would 74 00:03:28.840 --> 00:03:31.680 always be this delish sea uncertain, we married barefoot on 75 00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:35.360 a pier, family cheering from falling chairs. Joel's best friend 76 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.039 Meyer organized hand tide bee case. Ben on neighbour now 77 00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:41.120 gave the toast promise, you'll make space for each other's 78 00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:45.159 ubwe days, Ben had said, Glass raised. We did mostly, 79 00:03:45.840 --> 00:03:48.560 not perfectly, but better than most people we know. The 80 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:50.840 last few years have felt like standing on the bridge 81 00:03:50.879 --> 00:03:54.199 between inspiration and necessity. Work for me had smoothed into 82 00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:58.120 reliable contracts, hospital rebranding, drama, free logos for tech start ups. 83 00:03:58.840 --> 00:04:02.840 Joel snapped headshots, shop product videos, pieced together expition proposals. 84 00:04:03.479 --> 00:04:06.319 We had routines Thursday after hours at the new wine bar, 85 00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:09.199 Sunday mornings and sweapons with coffee and old movies, group 86 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:12.039 dinners with Katy and Ben across the hall, My dropping 87 00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:15.240 in and announced with thrift store finds. Reef arrived two 88 00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:17.560 years ago, a nervous, stiff legged mup from the rescue, 89 00:04:17.639 --> 00:04:20.199 gray around the eyes, even then instantly imprinting on me 90 00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:24.399 emotional constant, the one creature always glad I was home. 91 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:27.360 Joel and I fit the city's image of downtown creative 92 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:29.879 couples so well. Our friends joked about making a web series. 93 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:32.759 You two are the only sane ones left in this building, 94 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:35.439 Katie would say, sliding a casserole onto our counter when 95 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.279 we forgot to buy groceries amid to chaos. There was 96 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:41.399 delicacy too quick, hants, squeezes and crowds, late night whispers 97 00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:44.199 about our next trip, a private lingo of complaints and encouragement. 98 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:48.199 But lately fault lines had begun to show. There was friulance, 99 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:50.639 bernat my own envy. When Joel landed a campaign, I 100 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:53.800 wanted money trickling and just slowly enough to matter. We'd 101 00:04:53.800 --> 00:04:56.480 always maintained, maybe foolishly, that we'd rather struggle a level 102 00:04:56.519 --> 00:04:59.720 than settle into anything corporate or boring, still toringes of 103 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:02.759 hers over who was contributing more crept in. When Joel 104 00:05:02.759 --> 00:05:06.160 got sullen about budgets, I snapped. When I lost inspiration, 105 00:05:06.279 --> 00:05:09.160 he retreated into our's hunch to violletrum our journal with jeedles. 106 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:11.720 That never made sense to me. Through it, we'd always 107 00:05:11.720 --> 00:05:15.160 abide it by one rule, trust, but done intrude. Passwoods 108 00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:17.439 and shared emails are monitored, each of us free to 109 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:20.199 keep our own keys and silences. It was a point 110 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:23.439 of pride I thought I liked knowing nothing was ever forced. 111 00:05:24.199 --> 00:05:26.839 Reef started shifting loyalties a few weeks before I fust 112 00:05:26.879 --> 00:05:30.120 overheard Joel in the street. I told myself it was innocent. 113 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.279 Maybe Joel had switched treats. Maybe I'd gotten lazy with walks, 114 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:37.040 distracted by deadlines. But now after to night, a knacking 115 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.519 friction pulse beneath that pattern. I remembered how after Joel's 116 00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:43.639 recent walks reef lingered with him tail wagging, head leaned 117 00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:46.040 to his shin, sometimes yanking back on the leash. If 118 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:49.959 I tried to take over dogs aren't subtle? Saturday gray 119 00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:52.279 with drizzled Joel was already fishing for res leash by 120 00:05:52.360 --> 00:05:54.839 quarter to seven, the time I usually walked him, when 121 00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:56.959 the sky was wind out, but the sidewalks still full 122 00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:00.399 of afterwork stragglers. I got it tonight, he said, grabbing 123 00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:03.120 his keys. His voice held that leave to me ease, 124 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.199 which for most of our marriage only surfaced in emergencies 125 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:08.600 or when there was a piece on the line. You sure, 126 00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:12.839 I asked, forcing a yawn and casual shrug. That's wwice 127 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:14.959 in a row. Are you just avoiding cleaning the kitchen? 128 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:19.680 He smiled over his shoulder, almost affectionate. He pulled double shifts. Yesterday, 129 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:23.959 let me handle dog patrol babe. He whistled. Reeframbled over. 130 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:26.959 Joel let the leash and disappeared, hood up against the 131 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.360 mister shoulders squad in his waxed canvas jacket. From the window, 132 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:32.959 I watched another shadow merge below, maybe the same woman 133 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:35.720 as the night before. My angle was off, but the 134 00:06:35.800 --> 00:06:39.120 gate looked familiar at this way. Purposeful minutes pass, then 135 00:06:39.160 --> 00:06:44.079 twenty still nothing. Dunne's grew leaping up through me. Joel 136 00:06:44.120 --> 00:06:46.879 reappeared almost an hour later. He was humming a track 137 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.600 I vaguely recognized from summer parties, the sort he sneered 138 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:51.759 if I played them in the car. He dropped the 139 00:06:51.879 --> 00:06:54.480 keys on the coundow Whitere plastered his forehead in a 140 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:57.600 way that made him look ten years younger. Reef Lecian 141 00:06:57.639 --> 00:06:59.920 hooked Prince to the kitchen tom walling, then circled back 142 00:06:59.959 --> 00:07:02.439 to Joel for a path. There was a scent, maybe 143 00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:04.920 rose or the citrus bite of some one else's perfume. 144 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.319 Clinging under the dog's usual smell of rain and grass, 145 00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:10.399 I bent on Clipbrief's collar and found it slick, as 146 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:12.759 if it had been dunk to water. Did he get 147 00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:16.360 into the fountain again? I asked, peeling it off. Joel 148 00:07:16.439 --> 00:07:19.319 hesitated just a hair before answering, yeah, he's obsessed with 149 00:07:19.399 --> 00:07:22.480 that burrowed bath by the boga. I held back questions. 150 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:25.279 I'm not a jealous partner, not since the first two 151 00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:27.160 years of trial and error, but the rescue of that 152 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:30.199 sight walk laughter wouldn't leave my head. Later, after Joel 153 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.279 went to the bathroom, I pressed my nose to riesaid. 154 00:07:32.839 --> 00:07:36.000 He was often musty, occasionally smelling faintly of bickery trash, 155 00:07:36.360 --> 00:07:39.399 but to night there was something sharper distracting. My next 156 00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:43.160 tactic was, gentle mind, if I come tomorrow? I asked 157 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:45.600 to breakfast, peering into my oatmeal as if the answer 158 00:07:45.639 --> 00:07:49.160 didn't matter. Joel smiled, but deflected, you've been non stop 159 00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:50.959 all week. You need a night off. I liked the 160 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:54.480 excuse to get fresh air by myself. Honestly, I couldn't argue. 161 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:56.959 It was a privilege. We gave each other the right 162 00:07:57.000 --> 00:07:59.720 to solo walks, to quiet mental runs after hard days. 163 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:03.079 But it felt suddenly like that privilege was being weaponized 164 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:05.800 to keep something private. He picked at his food, looking 165 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:08.040 at me over the rim of his muck. Ye share, 166 00:08:08.079 --> 00:08:11.199 everything's good at work, He seemed wired lately. His question 167 00:08:11.399 --> 00:08:15.800 was soft, habitual deflexion by concern. I reassured him, but 168 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:18.680 couldn't get comfortable in my own kitchen. I'm not proud 169 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:21.079 of the pressure. I felt even less proud of my 170 00:08:21.160 --> 00:08:24.519 next move, scanning Minuchi for confirmation by us inventing clues 171 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:27.959 where none should reasonably exist. Tuesday, the winter at the 172 00:08:27.959 --> 00:08:31.360 Big window, saw in pink catalogs around the studio. By six, 173 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:34.360 the ring was slicing sideways. Nobody walked out doors without 174 00:08:34.360 --> 00:08:37.279 real purpose. Joel zipped up his oldest jacket, bent to 175 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:40.159 Clakreef's leash, and announced, still want the night off? Yea, 176 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:44.120 I hesitated. There was nowhere to go, nothing open, no 177 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:47.399 plausible excuse for being out. Take the umbrella, I said, 178 00:08:47.480 --> 00:08:50.440 But he shook his head, gnaw, it's fine, won't melt. 179 00:08:51.080 --> 00:08:53.879 He shut the door behind him, footsteps echoing past the elevator. 180 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:56.720 Before I could stole him again, my phone pinged dinner 181 00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:00.240 group chat Maya, Ben and Katy bountering about what to 182 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:02.919 try the new rom and pop up. I distracted myself 183 00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:06.440 with wine and string lights, waiting for Joel's return. Twenty 184 00:09:06.519 --> 00:09:08.600 five minutes later, he came in trailing a smell of 185 00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:11.759 petrisher and something more metallic. He stood in the kitchen 186 00:09:11.840 --> 00:09:13.720 texting with his other hand while opening a kind of 187 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:17.559 dog food. I peered at his phone. A nerification flickered 188 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.759 on screen, briefly, just an initial and a hard emogi 189 00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:22.919 s had Joel ever texted anyone but me with hearts? 190 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:26.519 He saw me glance and flipped the phone quicklyst greened down, 191 00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:29.879 still apparently absorbed in spooning out food for Reef. He 192 00:09:29.960 --> 00:09:32.080 barely looked up as I tried to re engage, talking 193 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:35.240 about a logo revision that had annoyed me all afternoon. Hey, 194 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:37.600 did you ever meet that guy from the gallery last winter? 195 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:40.519 The one with all the poloids? I asked, trying to 196 00:09:40.600 --> 00:09:44.320 bring him in. He grunted non committally, which guy? Sorry, 197 00:09:44.440 --> 00:09:47.039 my brains must write now. Rain knocked all my ideas loose. 198 00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:49.919 At dinner Thursday, the group will subdued the edge of 199 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:53.799 something unresolved coloring the air. Katy, usually bright in Gossipy, 200 00:09:54.039 --> 00:09:57.240 seemed distracted, then made a couple of jokes about Joel's 201 00:09:57.279 --> 00:10:00.039 new dog walking habits, needling him you chasing after a 202 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:02.759 new adventures out there man? Joel shot him a look 203 00:10:02.759 --> 00:10:06.240 I could only call warning, and the conversation scazard maya 204 00:10:06.440 --> 00:10:09.360 vibrant and stormy as ever, excused herself to the bathroom irrirely, 205 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:12.000 and returned pale, sitting closer to the window than usual, 206 00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:15.399 another oddity in public. Joel was all private touches and 207 00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:18.120 performative affection, an arm cult around my waist, ham pressed 208 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:20.759 to my back, long rapture, smiles at jokes he'd normally 209 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.679 grown at at home. The intimacy cooled. He angled his 210 00:10:24.759 --> 00:10:27.240 body away when we brushed our teeth, stared too long 211 00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:30.039 at his lapped up, started and stopped conversations out of nowhere. 212 00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:32.919 When I reached for his hand, it felt foreign, like 213 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:34.759 slipping a glove onto the wrong hand in the dark. 214 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.840 One night, I took Reef out, determined to reverse this 215 00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:41.440 new dynamic. The dog hesitated in the lobby, e is percked, tense. 216 00:10:42.279 --> 00:10:44.679 Instead of pulling gladly toward the square as he would 217 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:47.399 from me, Reef glared at the elevator doors, sniffed at 218 00:10:47.399 --> 00:10:49.240 the fog corner, and then quivered. When I tried to 219 00:10:49.240 --> 00:10:52.919 steer him toward the side street. His leash tightened. He 220 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:55.399 tugged away from me. Back toward the block's father end, 221 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:57.320 but not in the joyful, eager lung she used to 222 00:10:57.320 --> 00:10:59.279 give if he had skateboards or saw a squirrel, more 223 00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:02.919 like trepidation, checking for something that wasn't there. That night, kidd, 224 00:11:02.919 --> 00:11:05.279 he caught me in the hallway. Hey, it's o Joel 225 00:11:05.320 --> 00:11:07.399 at Briza. The other day she started naming the new 226 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:10.200 cafe two blocks south. He was with a friend. Didn't 227 00:11:10.200 --> 00:11:12.120 get a good look. They were bagging up pastries for 228 00:11:12.200 --> 00:11:16.440 the dog. I guess she smiled. You guys seriously spoiled 229 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:18.279 that dog. I tried to wave, but they were pretty 230 00:11:18.279 --> 00:11:21.600 into their conversation. We spoil ourselves, I laughed, but the 231 00:11:21.639 --> 00:11:24.279 catch and my voice must have been obvious. I found 232 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:26.600 myself scanning my brain for a friend. I fit the profile. 233 00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:31.360 Nobody came easily to mind. Money's tight always. I check 234 00:11:31.399 --> 00:11:33.200 our joint account now much more than I used to. 235 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:36.480 That week, an our charge pained to notification forty seven 236 00:11:36.519 --> 00:11:39.080 dollars a wine bar I'd never been to. I double 237 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:41.840 checked the date, Tuesday at the damper night. That didn't 238 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.159 make sense. Nothing on his work calender would put him 239 00:11:44.159 --> 00:11:47.840 near the strip. I scrolled back two more entrants, one 240 00:11:47.879 --> 00:11:50.639 for pastries at Brizo one at an independent bookstore near 241 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:52.559 the park on a Friday night, when we were supposedly 242 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:56.039 eating leftovers and watching ned Fix Paddy. Maybe, but it 243 00:11:56.120 --> 00:11:58.559 nagged at me. The next group event was a roofed 244 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:01.559 up birthday party. Everyone was there, bent grilling on the 245 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:05.000 portable weber katy, juggling wine glasses, maya as usual, floating 246 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:08.559 between social clusters with a notebook. Joel circled like a host, 247 00:12:08.759 --> 00:12:11.440 never quite staying close to me, always moving to the perimeter. 248 00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:14.480 Midway through the night, I caught my eyes. She hovered 249 00:12:14.519 --> 00:12:16.639 near the snack table, her glance flicking away. Before I 250 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:19.559 could read it as friendly or guilty, she left, orally, 251 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:22.000 texting me the next day to apologize for a headache. 252 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:26.000 Beneath the celebrations, something had shifted the group long the 253 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:28.320 epicenter of our social life seemed to pull away, as 254 00:12:28.360 --> 00:12:31.480 if in sure which way, the current ran. Conversations faltered, 255 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:35.080 are in, jokes, falling flat. I started hearing in their chatter, 256 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:38.720 not boredom, b hesitance. At one point, clutching my wine 257 00:12:38.720 --> 00:12:40.799 at the grill, I asked jo all easy, casually, You've 258 00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:43.720 been out so much lately, meeting new muses. He rolled 259 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:46.919 his eyes, but the tone was playful, if only created drought, 260 00:12:47.080 --> 00:12:50.720 fermenting ideas. Mostly I wanted to believe him, But something 261 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:53.399 in how he said creative dreat nod at memory. He'd 262 00:12:53.480 --> 00:12:56.039 used that phrase before, but always an hon as self deprecation, 263 00:12:56.279 --> 00:12:59.120 never as a joke. After midnight, he pressed his palm 264 00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:02.240 flat against my low back, groaning for Katy's camera. I 265 00:13:02.360 --> 00:13:05.120 smiled for the photo, the flush freezing us together, but inside, 266 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:07.519 I imagine the image of evidence in some future argument, 267 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:11.000 proof but the opposite. I couldn't tell. Dog walks increase, 268 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:15.039 rain or shine. Reef started arriving home exhausted, happily, spent, 269 00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:18.000 sometimes reluctant to even eat, until he'd collapsed by Joel's feet. 270 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:21.799 One afternoon, after I'd spend hours wrestling with brand Palettess, 271 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:25.080 Joel texted at six sixteen, already out with rief Behoeman thirty. 272 00:13:25.639 --> 00:13:28.440 This new routine had become an assailable. If I offered 273 00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:31.600 to join, he protested. If I suggested a different time, 274 00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:34.960 he made other plans. We began living parallel evenings, I 275 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:38.080 in the loft, Joel returning, flushed and energized, trailing stories 276 00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:40.919 of local mules or outside walk interactions, but never detailing 277 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:43.559 who he'd spend time with. I started to wonder if 278 00:13:43.559 --> 00:13:46.679 I was manufacturing the sensation of being left behind. Was 279 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:49.879 Joel simply decompressing, finding new friends or locals to talk to, 280 00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:53.159 finally snapping out of a creative funk. May be since 281 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:55.879 our last fight over money or dishes on my tendency 282 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:58.480 to schedule everything, he genuinely wanted to create more distance 283 00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:01.600 for his own sanity. But the streak of laughter I'd overheard, 284 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:03.200 the way the woman tilted her chin up as Joel 285 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:05.840 told a story clon to me. On a Thursday, after 286 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:08.279 another long day, I noticed Joel hovering by the window, 287 00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:11.440 his phone in hand. He was texting quickly than flying. 288 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:14.360 A brief smile flickered across his face before he locked 289 00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.919 the screen and slipped it into his back pocket. Noticing 290 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:20.360 me watching. Just Ben bugging me about the grill, he said, 291 00:14:20.440 --> 00:14:23.200 before I uttered a thing, A harmless lie, perhaps, But 292 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:25.639 Ben was out of town all week. I felt the 293 00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:28.159 rumor of panic begin to crall me. For a day, 294 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.600 I entertained the possibility I was seeing things all wrong. 295 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.960 I called my sister Emma, venting about mine annoyances at 296 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:38.440 work painting. Joel's distant but categorically not suspicious. Maybe he's 297 00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:41.440 planning a big surprise, she tease. Or maybe he finally 298 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:43.480 likes one of your friends enough to hang out without you. 299 00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:47.159 We laugh, but my stomach twisted. My goat to anxious 300 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:51.320 habits reappeared. Triple checking doors, refreshing accounts, walking past Joel's 301 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:53.759 camicck case to see if there was new film left undeveloped. 302 00:14:54.360 --> 00:14:59.720 Friday afternoon, I messaged Katy, catch up soon, drinks? She replied, 303 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:03.039 is he the sweek work's chaos? Next week? Later, I 304 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:05.799 saw her in the stairwell with Ben, whispering, face pinched. 305 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:09.519 It was small, but it's done, I debated my next move. 306 00:15:10.279 --> 00:15:13.480 Was there any adult reasonable step short of open accusation. 307 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:17.200 Joel's history with secret sexes, hidden debts, little white lives 308 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:20.799 was mild, always surfacing apologetically. I'd never found him called 309 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:24.279 or manculative. If anything, he'd been the type to over confess, 310 00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:27.279 to declare. I accidentally spent seventy five dollars on US's 311 00:15:27.320 --> 00:15:30.840 kammagear hate me later yet now I felt stumbled. I 312 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:33.679 found myself scanning our joint social calendars for new names. 313 00:15:34.320 --> 00:15:36.320 I flipped through Joel's notes on the kitchen white board 314 00:15:36.320 --> 00:15:38.960 at Thursday, ated Ben's hedgehots, and sat Katy's B Day 315 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:41.960 gifts in his chicken scratch. Nothing stood out, so I 316 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:45.320 started inventing clues. The very act of suspicion makes you 317 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:49.159 sloppy with logic. Saturday, I I set a trap. Hey, 318 00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:51.360 could you walkrief a bit earlier? I promised my or 319 00:15:51.399 --> 00:15:53.000 I'd help her set up for the pop up share. 320 00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:56.799 Joel hesitated, checking the clock. Think I'll stick with the 321 00:15:56.879 --> 00:15:59.200 usual time. If that's school rain should tape her off 322 00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:01.840 by then his excuse checked out. The app did say 323 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:04.759 storms were due to die down, but I knew Yenima's 324 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:08.200 openings always needed an extra set of hands. Avoidance or 325 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:11.879 legitimate choice. I left early, texted the my regrets, and 326 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.879 lingered in the park across from our building. Instead from 327 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:17.360 my bench, I tracked each ship that entered or exited 328 00:16:17.399 --> 00:16:20.799 our block. At just after seven, Joel emerged with Reef, 329 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:24.200 pausing at the street corner. Moments later, a woman appeared, 330 00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:26.759 hair up, black boots, this time holding a takeaway cup 331 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:29.519 from Breezo. Not the same woman as before, at least 332 00:16:29.639 --> 00:16:31.360 The shape was different, but they had the demeanor of 333 00:16:31.440 --> 00:16:34.480 old friends. Joel leaning to say something and she threw 334 00:16:34.519 --> 00:16:37.559 her head back, laughing, hand grazing his forearm. This was 335 00:16:37.639 --> 00:16:40.879 not the posture of acquaintances. They talked for ten minutes, 336 00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:42.720 long enough for my neck to ache from straining at 337 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:46.879 my covert vantage reef. Sat down, patient, eyes bright. I 338 00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:50.039 wanted to storm the sidewalk leasian hand to demand an explanation, 339 00:16:50.759 --> 00:16:53.159 but I sat breathing fog gone to mascarf until Joel 340 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:55.080 raised his phone. May be snapped a photo or checked 341 00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:57.600 the time. The woman handed him to take away cup, 342 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:00.840 and they parted, Joel turning back home. I rushed upstairs 343 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:03.480 ahead of him, seated at the kitchen island, pretending to 344 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:06.359 fuss with apples and peanut butter. When Joe came in, 345 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:09.519 he was gentle and easy, smelling of cinnamon. Got your 346 00:17:09.599 --> 00:17:11.759 new child from the place cross breeze o owner insists 347 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:14.279 it'll change your life. I thanked him with the most 348 00:17:14.279 --> 00:17:17.920 authentic smile. I could muster. Meet anyone interesting on your walk. 349 00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:22.079 I prodded just some locals, dog people. This one lady 350 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:26.240 from the gallery was talking up a storm. He didn't elaborate. Later, 351 00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:28.240 as a brushtrief out in the ruck, I found an 352 00:17:28.279 --> 00:17:30.640 unfamiliar dog treat in his fur, wrapped and paper stamped 353 00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:33.519 with a complicated logo. That night, I bet Joe called 354 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:36.200 toward me, but it felt like a rehearsed gesture. I 355 00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:39.880 lay awake, counting his breasts, replaying side for choreography, a 356 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:42.000 lining sense, and snippets of over how dial or like 357 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:43.400 a script for a play. I didn't quite have all 358 00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:46.440 the lines do If I left my suspicions roar and unfettered, 359 00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:49.200 I feared they'd infect everything. If I poked at them, 360 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:52.240 I risked confirming the thing I most dreaded. I didn't 361 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:54.920 want to check his phone upright. That crossed the line 362 00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:57.480 we'd both considered sacred, a violation that would not be 363 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:01.400 easily justified, even if my instincts were correct. Monday arrived, 364 00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:04.880 cold and restless. I decided to take matters gently into 365 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:07.880 my own hands. As Joel was heading out, leash in hand, 366 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:10.440 I called, actually, i'll join each night. I need the air. 367 00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:14.839 His face flickered just an instant surprise, disappointment, calculation. Then 368 00:18:14.920 --> 00:18:18.359 he nodded, Sure, let's do the big loop. We set 369 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:20.920 off through the narrow side streets, Reef trotting between us, 370 00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:24.519 pausing to sniff at every tree. We walked, mostly in silence. 371 00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:27.680 I tried to gaze Joel's comfort, but got only surface 372 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:31.400 level answers to benign questions about work. When we passed Brizo, 373 00:18:31.519 --> 00:18:35.319 he tense. No one met us this time. As we returned, 374 00:18:35.480 --> 00:18:37.279 I noticed a light on in the lobby of Sophie's 375 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:40.039 galleyous sliver of blonde hair. I head bent over paperwork. 376 00:18:40.759 --> 00:18:43.519 Sophie had always been cordial with us, sometimes inviting us 377 00:18:43.559 --> 00:18:47.160 to after hours events. I considered stopping, and be kept walking. 378 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:50.279 Joel quickened his pace, tugging meaf along without looking back 379 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:53.119 at home. Reef paced him whined at the door for 380 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:55.720 a full fifteen minutes, as expecting some one to return. 381 00:18:56.359 --> 00:18:58.079 I cave and gave him a treat, but he barely 382 00:18:58.160 --> 00:19:01.519 touched it. Joel busied him Elpha at his computer, uploading 383 00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:04.279 dozens of new photos. When I snuck a look, I 384 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:07.640 saw landscaped pucks, wet leaves, mood disguise, but no people. 385 00:19:08.279 --> 00:19:10.799 I checked his social media, finding nothing new except for 386 00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:13.240 comming from Sophie, love your sense of light these days, 387 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:16.640 I tried to read it with generosity, but it lunded uneasily. 388 00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:19.960 Late that week, as Joel left for his now customary work, 389 00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:22.200 I watched from the window, half hoping to catch him 390 00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:25.160 and some true they could not deny. Instead, he lingered 391 00:19:25.160 --> 00:19:27.759 at the Kurd, checked his watch, then stepped deliberately towards 392 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:31.000 Sophie's gallery, the woman I had seen before. Paid coffee 393 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:34.759 in hand. They talked, their bodies angled clothes, not quite touching. 394 00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:37.680 I only caught the faint shape of their expressions. No 395 00:19:37.880 --> 00:19:40.240 laughter to night, but the pause between them said plenty. 396 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:43.680 After ten minutes, she handed him a folded envelope. He 397 00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:46.279 tucked it in his pocket, glancing quickly over his shoulder. 398 00:19:46.880 --> 00:19:50.079 At dinner that night, I tried again, you've seemed lighter lately, 399 00:19:50.279 --> 00:19:53.799 happier even is there someone new you're collaborating with? I asked, 400 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:59.480 framing it as curiosity, maybe even support. He grewned, relieved. Actually, Eh, 401 00:19:59.559 --> 00:20:02.440