WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.160 It's still dark when I wake. The window glows lavender 2 00:00:07.160 --> 00:00:09.599 with the city's restless light, but it's not sunrise yet. 3 00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:12.439 The sheets beside me are coal creap but empty, the 4 00:00:12.519 --> 00:00:15.359 kind of absence that registers instinctively, the quiet sense of 5 00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:17.480 being alone you feel before you've even opened your eyes. 6 00:00:18.199 --> 00:00:20.399 I reach across to Adam's side, just to confirm it. 7 00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:23.679 He's already up. The clock on my night's end reads 8 00:00:23.719 --> 00:00:26.640 five welving. I roll over, squinting at the sound of 9 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:29.120 shoes clattering on tile, the faint metallic click of a zibber, 10 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:32.159 a whisper of nilon. For a second, I don't remember 11 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:33.920 what day it is, or why Adam would be up 12 00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:36.759 before me, before the sun. Even He's never once beaten 13 00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:38.679 me out of bed in the five years we've lived together, 14 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:41.600 not even for us I anon flight to Mexico, when 15 00:00:41.640 --> 00:00:43.359 I had to drag him groaning to the cab at 16 00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:46.039 one sneaker on. But now there's a new rhythm to 17 00:00:46.039 --> 00:00:48.759 the household, a secret athletic energy that wasn't here six 18 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.200 weeks ago. Once it would have been me chasing a 19 00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.880 creative deadline. Adams sprawling across the middle of the bed, 20 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:57.719 legs kicked over to my side. Now Adam's awake before me, 21 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:01.280 moving with fumbling purpose the whole way outside our loft, 22 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:03.960 his bride with his new enthusiasm, light which cyclings hues, 23 00:01:03.960 --> 00:01:06.599 slunking awkwardly, the flash of teal licra, the clean snap 24 00:01:06.599 --> 00:01:09.200 of a helmet buckle. I slide from the covers pad 25 00:01:09.239 --> 00:01:11.719 across the wide plank floors, careful not to alert him 26 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:15.040 that I'm watching. Our place is airy and open, full 27 00:01:15.079 --> 00:01:17.719 of plants and magazine stacks, sunlight in the mornings. When 28 00:01:17.719 --> 00:01:20.760 it finally calms, I hear him at the door, muttering 29 00:01:20.760 --> 00:01:23.680 to himself, probably running through a mental checklist. That half 30 00:01:23.719 --> 00:01:26.519 distracted tone he gets when he's in project mode. I 31 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:28.920 lean against the window behind the curtain so I can 32 00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:31.719 see the street below, items already out on the curb, 33 00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:34.200 loading the mat gray Cannondale into the trunk of our car. 34 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:36.840 He is in better shade than he was a month ago, thinner, 35 00:01:36.920 --> 00:01:39.840 tied around the shoulders, the news nug cycling kit, emphasizing 36 00:01:39.879 --> 00:01:42.920 the line of his thighs. I'm a little proud of him, actually, 37 00:01:43.560 --> 00:01:47.159 may be even envious. It's impressive, this burst of discipline, 38 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:49.439 this joy he's found in sweating three miles before the 39 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:52.319 city even begins to stir. I half expect him to 40 00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:54.959 glance up, catch me spying, and wave a press palm goofy, 41 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:58.359 Adam grinn Instead, he moves briskly, glancing up and down 42 00:01:58.359 --> 00:02:01.159 our quiet street, as if expecting someone to appear. I 43 00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:04.000 tell myself not to read too much into it. Adam's 44 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:06.920 always been a little dramatic about his hobbies, but there's 45 00:02:06.920 --> 00:02:09.000 something secretive, almost furt of, in the way he hitches 46 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:11.680 his back high, double checks the card doors, pauses when 47 00:02:11.719 --> 00:02:14.520 he runs the trunk. I bite my lip, a flicker 48 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:17.360 of humor running through me. My husband closeted cycling and 49 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:21.599 dissiest whoduff guessed? He signals up at our window, but 50 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:24.199 I duck aside, uncertain whether he can really see me 51 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:27.120 in the dock. When he comes back inside, I'm sitting 52 00:02:27.199 --> 00:02:30.000 on the couch, phone in hand, pretending to flip through emails. 53 00:02:30.639 --> 00:02:33.240 Adams's face is flushed from the cool morning, half hidden 54 00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:36.000 under his helmet plastic bill. He grins at me as 55 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.960 he grabs his water bottle, pausing at the door. See 56 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.520 you for brunch, he calls, voice bright, almost too cheery 57 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:44.080 for dawn. He tax me when you're done. I yawn, 58 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:48.080 shuffling after him, theatrically bleary eyed. I'll put on coffee. 59 00:02:48.520 --> 00:02:50.479 He leans over two swordy for a proper hug, then 60 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:52.800 is gone the door, clicking clothes with a soft finality. 61 00:02:53.400 --> 00:02:55.719 The apartment feels enormous an empty. For a moment after 62 00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:59.400 he's left. I sip water, blinket his absence, then shake 63 00:02:59.479 --> 00:03:03.400 my head. Adam's cycling nut. Nobody would have seen that coming, 64 00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:05.840 not even me. It's the latest in a string of 65 00:03:05.879 --> 00:03:08.479 little reinventions he's gone through since we hit our thirties. 66 00:03:09.080 --> 00:03:11.719 At first it was taig cooking, then language apps, then 67 00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:15.319 the comedy in provcast that lasted two weeks. This one, though, 68 00:03:15.360 --> 00:03:18.199 seems to have stuck bikes, tied shorts, rides at the 69 00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:20.960 crack of dawn. I'm just glad he's found something to 70 00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:24.960 pull him out of bed, out of himself. Really, Adam's charming, magnetic, 71 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:27.599 the social glue of our group, but he can get restless, needy, 72 00:03:27.800 --> 00:03:31.639 sometimes oddly fragile. This is good for him, at least 73 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:34.039 that's what I tell myself as I text our group chat. 74 00:03:34.039 --> 00:03:36.199 A photo of Adams but propped on the curb is 75 00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:39.599 this my husband or a hallucination. I add a cycling emoji, 76 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:42.520 partly as a joke, but also half proud. Maybe this 77 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:45.120 is what marriage groove looks like, watching each other evolf, 78 00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:48.400 even if it means giving up lazy mornings together getting 79 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:50.639 ready for brunch. I throw on jeans in a linen shirt, 80 00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:52.479 tie my hair in a messy knot, and cue up 81 00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.879 messages from our friends. Lawn is typing, dying to see 82 00:03:55.879 --> 00:03:58.240 if Adams survives this phase. He'll be insufferable if he 83 00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:01.919 makes it past spring. I laugh. Taln's replies, a meme 84 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.840 a wonky cyclist bailing off a pair typical. The rest 85 00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:09.080 of the morning passes quickly, laundry piles shifting, coffee brewing, 86 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:13.199 sunlight inching across the kitchen tiles. At ten fifteen, Adam's 87 00:04:13.240 --> 00:04:15.919 text pops up, finishing up, see you soon, read, I 88 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:18.279 feel that flicker of warmth, the simple normalcy of a 89 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:21.600 week end love and texts in Riyn's mugs in waiting 90 00:04:21.639 --> 00:04:24.519 for each other. When Adam finally comes home, his cheeks 91 00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:27.279 of that post ride, flush hair mus with sweat. He 92 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:29.480 strips down in the foy, head straight for the shower, 93 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:31.319 and calls us stats through the door. We did ford 94 00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:33.680 it to day. I am dead all those hills, Seriously, 95 00:04:34.279 --> 00:04:37.480 I call back encouragement, scha off. Don't expect me to 96 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:40.839 massage your calves. After he emerges, we had to brunch 97 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.959 with our usual group, Calum, Lanna, two other friends from work. 98 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:47.560 The laughter and stories bounce around the table, mimerc's clinking, 99 00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.800 the easy camaraderie of people anchored and shared history. It 100 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:53.079 isn't until the third round of jokes about lycra and 101 00:04:53.079 --> 00:04:56.079 saddle saws that I catch something odd. I ask Callum, 102 00:04:56.160 --> 00:04:58.160 so did Adam keep up with everyone this morning? Or 103 00:04:58.279 --> 00:05:00.879 was he left in the dust. Cal usually quick with 104 00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:04.560 a retort, stalls. He stirs his drink, glances at Adam, 105 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:07.759 then mutters, ah, yeah, I mean I guess he was. 106 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:11.040 You rode to day right? Adam barely looks up from 107 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.480 his menu. Here we took this our's circuit tough one. 108 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.519 Everyone nods, conversation moves on. But I notice how calumbites 109 00:05:18.519 --> 00:05:20.680 the inside of his cheek, looks at Laana, then looks 110 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:23.600 away for half a second. There's an awkward little gap 111 00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:25.199 in the atmosphere, like a saw a note in an 112 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:29.360 otherwise perfect chord. The laughter resumes. I let it go. 113 00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:32.160 Still the scene plays in my mind an hour later, 114 00:05:32.199 --> 00:05:33.480 as I washed the grit of the city from a 115 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:36.319 mugga at our kitchen sink. It's almost nothing, a fleeting 116 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:39.480 glitch in an otherwise typical weekend. I dismiss it, But 117 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:43.439 something in Callum's face lingers. Was I overthinking? Was it 118 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:46.079 just an early morning hangover? Or had something been left 119 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:49.040 and said? By Monday night, the hazy oddness of brunch 120 00:05:49.079 --> 00:05:52.319 has faded into the background of daily roudine. Adam sprawled 121 00:05:52.360 --> 00:05:55.560 on the sofa, scrolling through fantasy football stats on his tablet, 122 00:05:55.639 --> 00:05:57.839 a bee of sweating in his hand. I'm at the 123 00:05:57.839 --> 00:05:59.920 count of finishing a client proof tapping a stylelus a 124 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.319 against my jaw, MNT half on work, half drifting through 125 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:05.360 the silence between us. He's been in a lighter mood lately, 126 00:06:05.399 --> 00:06:08.399 more energetic at herme all week. He's been out early, 127 00:06:08.519 --> 00:06:11.240 bouncing back for quick showers and enthusiastic reports of new 128 00:06:11.279 --> 00:06:14.040 Hill's conquered, funny stories about someone in the group wiping out. 129 00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:16.480 There's a momentum to him I haven't seen since we 130 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:20.319 moved here. The old Adam, beloved, predictable, only in his unpredictability. 131 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:24.120 You coming to bed soon, I ask, glancing at the clock. 132 00:06:24.839 --> 00:06:27.680 He nods, mumbles let me finish this, and keeps tapping 133 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:31.279 at the screen. The tension is trivial every day. Still, 134 00:06:31.480 --> 00:06:33.199 when I sit down next to him, I slip in 135 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:35.720 a question till light to seem loaded. So what was 136 00:06:35.720 --> 00:06:38.079 the route to day? Calm said something about river Park, 137 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:40.160 but he said, you guys went Upton last Saturday. Do 138 00:06:40.279 --> 00:06:43.720 you change it each week? Adam's eyes flick up for 139 00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:46.800 a second. He looks like he's searching for the right story, calculating, 140 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.759 almost as if he's back in a work meeting. Oh yeah, 141 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:52.600 sometimes we improvise. Today we just went wherever the group 142 00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:55.199 felt like. Ended up east actually out by the flower Market. 143 00:06:55.639 --> 00:06:59.120 That doesn't fit the cycling group he's described usually rides 144 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.600 the old railroad trail along the river, nowhere near the 145 00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:05.120 flower Market. I stifle the urge to ask again, to push. 146 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:08.040 He looks tired, and I feel ridiculous pressing him on 147 00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:11.439 the details of what is ultimately just exercise A new 148 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:14.800 holby some more an inst to himself. Did you see 149 00:07:14.839 --> 00:07:18.600 Lorna out there? I try? She mentioned riding last week, 150 00:07:18.680 --> 00:07:20.519 and if Adam had been with the typical crew, he 151 00:07:20.560 --> 00:07:24.360 would have run into her. He hesitates a fraction too long. No, 152 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:26.959 must have been a different group. I think she rides 153 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:31.800 with the beginners. Another small pause, almost invisible, but not 154 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:34.959 to me. He's always had a tendency to misplace names 155 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:38.160 and schedules. But something about his tone is off, distracted, attentative, 156 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:41.800 running a defense step ahead. I drop it. Part of 157 00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:43.879 me feels a small cold grip, the first squeeze of 158 00:07:43.879 --> 00:07:47.439 something like suspicion. But what's there to suspect that my 159 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:50.360 husband might have gotten disoriented on a bike, that the 160 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:53.480 intricate social clockwork of our friends Ryde's plans, who saw 161 00:07:53.480 --> 00:07:55.680 whom might be a little off one round on weekend? 162 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:59.120 I shake the feeling away. Adam is glowing, full of 163 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:01.879 new verve, more attentive when he's with me. Over dinner, 164 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:03.839 he described to harrow and down, all stretch and full 165 00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:06.160 dramatic color, the way his casts almost locked up, the 166 00:08:06.199 --> 00:08:09.560 taste of cold wind. I picture him when Brandon grinning, 167 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:12.879 dappled in sunlight, and the image suites me. Let it go. 168 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:15.720 I think, I tell myself that I trust him, I 169 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:19.000 trust us. Adventure has always been nothing. The way we met, 170 00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:21.519 the way we've kept our relationship wide with laughter and motion. 171 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:24.120 This is just another phase, a way for him to 172 00:08:24.120 --> 00:08:26.759 push himself, but a part of me fased away, a 173 00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:29.720 mental tab I count quite close. Our apartment is a 174 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:32.639 time capsule of the past five years. Photographs from Peru 175 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:34.519 and Croatia. A painting we bought for too much at 176 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:36.919 an art market in oak soccer journals we never finished 177 00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:39.759 city maps hat behind our desk. We met on a 178 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.559 high arranged by Lona and Hernalex, both of us ambitious 179 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:44.279 but a little insecure, Him drifting out of a bland 180 00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:47.399 stop jaw, me burning out at my first agency, one 181 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:49.840 overnight downpour in the mountains, trapped together in a tent, 182 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.559 and all at once we clicked a mutual hunger for novelty, movement, 183 00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:57.279 the occasional peculiar challenge. Adam's first words to me after 184 00:08:57.360 --> 00:08:59.519 can you pass the d Do you ever feel like 185 00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:02.919 the universe experiment? We are a worry the couple people 186 00:09:02.919 --> 00:09:05.480 pointed to the friends who left their hometowns behind, chasing 187 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.320 new cities, new jobs, new routines. Adam arrives in new 188 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:12.559 settings at parties. He's the social pinwheel drawing people into 189 00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:15.240 his orbit. I'm the Plannert, the one who sets up 190 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:17.960 the air, the color coded Google doc, the list of mussies. 191 00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:20.360 We jerk that he keeps us moving while I keep 192 00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:23.559 us from getting lost. After three years of dating, we 193 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:25.840 moved here to a city dence with our galleries, hole 194 00:09:25.879 --> 00:09:28.039 in the wall cafes, and enough urban hiking to keep 195 00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:31.519 us sweating most weekends. Our current crow date nights every 196 00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:34.759 other Thursday, lazy Sunday mornings with jazz and fresh crossus 197 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:38.360 gallery openings we sometimes hate but never regret. Attending Our 198 00:09:38.360 --> 00:09:41.559 friend's circle is an entidy whip of transplants, mostly creative, 199 00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:44.799 all relent, us in pursuit of something status, novelty, the 200 00:09:44.840 --> 00:09:48.120 next underground brewery. I am and always have been, the 201 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:51.600 steadier one. Adam will say he needs adventure, not routine, 202 00:09:51.720 --> 00:09:54.519 but he's also suited by late night takeout, Netflix's binges, 203 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:57.399 the slow pulse of a well organized life. We rib 204 00:09:57.399 --> 00:09:59.039 each other about it, but in the gaps, when the 205 00:09:59.080 --> 00:10:02.000 walls always falls away, there's a deep, gentle trust. That 206 00:10:02.039 --> 00:10:05.240 trust has cracks, though Adam's surfaces from time to time 207 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:08.559 with what I call his itch. He'll complain about feelings deadman, 208 00:10:08.759 --> 00:10:11.840 restless with familiarity, work, friends, even with us, until something 209 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:15.240 new captures his attention. Sometimes I worry I can't keep 210 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:17.639 him stimulated, that I shrink next to his volatility, the 211 00:10:17.639 --> 00:10:20.879 classic creative anxiety of being enough. But when he finds 212 00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:23.480 something like cycling that makes him glow again, I feel 213 00:10:23.480 --> 00:10:26.360 both relief and mild trepidation. I want to keep growing 214 00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:29.519 with him, but fear being left behind at work. I'm 215 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.919 fresh off a branding campaign for Nico Snack's start up. 216 00:10:32.039 --> 00:10:34.559 My desk drift of Panton's watches and scribbled mood boats. 217 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:37.120 I like the freedom the late nights spent at home 218 00:10:37.159 --> 00:10:39.240 with a huge monitor and a glass of wine. Adam 219 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:42.360 drifting through, sometimes making dinner, sometimes just dropping a hand 220 00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:44.799 on my shoulder. His own job at the start up 221 00:10:44.840 --> 00:10:47.360 is faster paced, all slock and zoom in, tight dead lines, 222 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:51.240 perpetual crisis management. Lately, though, he's been quieter at home. 223 00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:54.480 Maybe just tied from early rise, I reason, or maybe 224 00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:56.960 just the way of spring slow crawl. Our date nights 225 00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:59.519 are still rituals, but the silence is stretched longer before 226 00:10:59.559 --> 00:11:03.399 he reaches from my hand. That's normal, right, Yes, Together, 227 00:11:03.559 --> 00:11:05.759 life accumulates on you, even as you try to brush 228 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:07.840 it off with novelty and little shocks to the system. 229 00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:10.559 One Thursday, we linger at a new tie spot down 230 00:11:10.600 --> 00:11:13.440 the block, Adam talking about a new product launch, meventing 231 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:15.960 about a client who only speaks in pivot Anne' synergy. 232 00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:19.000 I mention wanting to try hiking the state park next month. 233 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:22.240 Sounds good, he says, but there's a far away quality 234 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:24.799 in his eyes, like hes scanning the horizon for escape routes. 235 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:27.600 If I could bring myself to ask, really, ask how 236 00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:32.080 are you Adam? Is everything okay? Would he answer? Or 237 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:34.679 would he just flash that half crooked smile and change 238 00:11:34.679 --> 00:11:37.600 the subject as he does when things get heavy. Saturday 239 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:40.120 comes again, and I'm now half expecting Adam's alarm At 240 00:11:40.159 --> 00:11:42.840 five them he dresses in the dark, slips a spare 241 00:11:42.840 --> 00:11:45.039 pair of shoes into a jim bag, collects his keys 242 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.840 with a whistle tune. I ask nothing, just smile and 243 00:11:47.840 --> 00:11:50.480 press a banana into his hand. Say hi to the 244 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:53.159 hills for me to say, He flashes a grateful look. 245 00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:57.320 May be guilty, maybe just sleep deprive? I can't decide. Later, 246 00:11:57.399 --> 00:11:59.440 at brunch, I ask Callum again as if It's the 247 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:02.159 most natural thing in the world. You and Adam doing 248 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:05.960 the bigloop again this Saturday. Hallum looks up sharply, eyes wide. 249 00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:08.879 Oh ah ay. Last week I couldn't make it, had 250 00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:11.720 to take my mom to a doctor's thing. But Adam said, 251 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:14.360 you all rode together. I press keeping it light. I 252 00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:17.440 saw a blush creeps up Callum's neck. Oh maybe he 253 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:19.799 meant a couple of weeks ago. I lose track. Was 254 00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:22.440 it the week with rain? He offers, retreating behind his mug. 255 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:26.679 The subject pivots clumsily. Later, Lorna roops Adam for his 256 00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:29.039 slow start, and he jokingly blames it on some one 257 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:31.039 who made him watch horror movies until midnight. To me, 258 00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:34.799 another piece that doesn't fit. There was no horror movie 259 00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:38.000 at fallen asleep reading, I note it folded away, But 260 00:12:38.039 --> 00:12:41.279 again dissent crimes did the harm less tangle of coupledom 261 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:43.399 lies so small you can't see the point in confronting them. 262 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:46.000 That night, after Adam goes to sleep, I tipped her 263 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:49.120 through the bathroom. I'm the hamper. His cycling gear is folded. 264 00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:52.159 Crispin nomad, no sweat, no sign of the river trail. 265 00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:56.039 Dusty so animatedly described his new jersey smells fresh, not 266 00:12:56.159 --> 00:12:59.639 even the faintest trace of deodorant, let alone sweat. Maybe 267 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:03.360 he's wushing it at the gym. Maybe he's careful. Maybe 268 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:06.480 I'm insane. I tell myself to stop to dress. But 269 00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:10.039 curiosity is a slippery crack. It widens every time something 270 00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:13.720 doesn't quite add up. Midwek, Adam comes home, flushed with energy, 271 00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:17.200 phone clutched in hand. He's changed his locks green till one. 272 00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:19.519 I don't recognize a new abstract pattern with a foreign 273 00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:23.279 number pin. He notices me noticing start ups being weird 274 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:26.200 about security. We're all supposed to update passwords every week, 275 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:28.759 he says, pre easily dropping his back and heading to 276 00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:33.000 the kitchen. Logical, his work is border lying paranoid about leaks. 277 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:35.039 One virals grew up and the product is dead before 278 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:39.279 launch sail. A pang of uncertainty lingers until last month. 279 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:41.840 We twap playlists, pull each other's phones to show memes 280 00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:45.480 without the faintest thought of secrecy over wine. Adam's phone 281 00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:48.879 buzz is several times calendar pings, meeting reminder notifications at 282 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:52.519 odd hours. Each time. He gladces down, then taps usness. 283 00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:56.279 I ask if it's work again, and he just shrugs, distracted. 284 00:13:57.000 --> 00:14:01.559 Saturday arrives. This time Adam leaves even earlier. He passed 285 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:03.960 through the apartment with even less noise, almost ghost like, 286 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:06.519 careful not to wake me. The door snacks shut of 287 00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:09.600 four thirty five m Hours later, I roll over Bill, 288 00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:12.679 get nine on the clock and check my phone. No text. 289 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:16.320 The group chat is silent. I stare at the ceiling 290 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:19.919 on knees growing. When Adam finally does texts while past noon, 291 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:22.519 his message reads sorry, lost track of time with the 292 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:26.399 group heading home soon. No details, no color, no boasts 293 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:29.440 about distance on new recruits. While he's still out, I 294 00:14:29.440 --> 00:14:31.159 slide onto the couch and do what I always do 295 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:34.679 when uneasy. I stop poking at social media. Adam hasn't 296 00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:36.879 posted about cycling, but when I look up his tig 297 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:39.240 on Instagram, I see a photo of a cappuccin or 298 00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:41.360 his I know from the familiar chipmunk tack at a 299 00:14:41.399 --> 00:14:44.000 coffee shop I've never heard of it smiles from the 300 00:14:44.039 --> 00:14:46.840 river trail. By the time I check again, the tad 301 00:14:46.919 --> 00:14:49.840 is gone. I screen shout it anyway, Feeling a jolt, 302 00:14:50.480 --> 00:14:52.919 I scroll through recent group photos from the cycling crew, 303 00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:54.960 and Adam is in a few grinning, but the backgrounds 304 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.080 don't match the routes he's described. At one point, he's 305 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:00.840 at a sidewalk cafe. He's gearfolded, besset him beside him 306 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:04.600 a single, unremarkable arm, not quite in frame. I remind myself, 307 00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:07.639 don't jump to conclusions. But the territory of my trust 308 00:15:07.639 --> 00:15:10.399 is shrinking now. My mind is a slow, fevered spin. 309 00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:14.360 I remind myself. People change, routine shift. Maybe Adam's restless 310 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:17.840 energy just found a better path. Maybe he likes the independents, 311 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.840 the early hours, a little freedom before settling in beside 312 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:23.559 me again. On Wednesday, I run into Lonna at the 313 00:15:23.559 --> 00:15:26.600 studio where she takes pottery over clay and coffee. I 314 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:29.399 test the waters. Adam's really getting into those rides. You 315 00:15:29.399 --> 00:15:32.279 ever see him out on Saturdays. She starts to say 316 00:15:32.279 --> 00:15:35.840 something that hesitates, glancing away. But last week I Am 317 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.480 missed it rain right, She questions her own answer, then 318 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:42.840 shumbles into a story about glazes. But there hadn't been rain, 319 00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:46.240 not on Saturday. Or maybe there was, but Adam told 320 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:49.879 me he rode alone. Now even Lon seems guard by 321 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:52.080 the time Adam comes home that night. I'm win tight 322 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.039 as a drum. I remind myself, do not in ter day, 323 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:58.799 do not project still. When he peels off his jersey, 324 00:15:58.960 --> 00:16:01.799 I glance at it again, spotless. The soles of his 325 00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:05.399 shoes aren't even dusty. He smells faintly of something floral 326 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:08.840 and unfamiliar, not his usual body wash. He's texting more 327 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.759 at night, hand cup around his phone. I try to 328 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:14.600 banish the thought that he's hiding something, but the sign's 329 00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:17.159 little as they are keep coming. It's a cruel game, 330 00:16:17.879 --> 00:16:21.600 catching myself snooping. I feel equal pop's humiliation and icy dread. 331 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:25.000 I'm not a jealous wife. Paranoia is in my brand, 332 00:16:25.639 --> 00:16:27.759 and yet the evidence shifts under my feet and I 333 00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:31.039 keep slipping. Next weekend, I suggest writing with him, making 334 00:16:31.039 --> 00:16:33.559 it a couple's thing. I could keep up, or at 335 00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:36.200 least meet you halfway for coffee. He lasts it off 336 00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:39.279 a little too quickly. It's a real beginner group, babe, 337 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:43.399 all old juice and serious gearhints you'd be bored, I promise. Then, 338 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:46.000 since in he's perhaps gone too far, he adds, but 339 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:49.600 maybe another time, when the weather's better. Adam's best lies 340 00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:52.759 always have a shadow of truth. He's protecting me from boredom. 341 00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:56.399 Maybe this really is for him a private space. Maybe 342 00:16:56.440 --> 00:16:59.120 I'm intruding. I try to let go for his sake, 343 00:16:59.320 --> 00:17:01.960 maybe for mine. But now I am keeping mental lists, 344 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:05.960 watching his routine for cracks. One Thursday, Adam mentions needing 345 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:08.319 to travel for work next weekend, something he's never done, 346 00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:11.920 not since his company snapped into remote mode. The new product. 347 00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:14.920 Guys finally want us in person, he says, already scrolling 348 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:19.279 through cheap fares. Trip coincides with another cycling weekend. He's 349 00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:22.480 evasive when I press for details, What city, what time? Why? Now? 350 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:26.519 Another red flag. I check his credit card's statements when 351 00:17:26.519 --> 00:17:29.400 he leaves his wallet out one afternoon. It's not something 352 00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:32.480 I'm proud of. The statement is clean, mostly except for 353 00:17:32.519 --> 00:17:34.799 a series of early morning charges at a coffee shop 354 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:38.880 called Canto not on the River route. Two cappuccinos every Saturday, 355 00:17:39.480 --> 00:17:43.680 sometimes a brunch for two, always early. It could be innocent, 356 00:17:43.720 --> 00:17:47.359 but the pattern repeats. I highlight the transactions on my phone, 357 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:50.720 then erase them, feeling like I'm scraping for scraps. Trust 358 00:17:50.759 --> 00:17:53.079 is barely more substantial than suspicion. Now a tight rope 359 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:56.440 stretched over current fraying. One Sunday, Adam comes home just 360 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.279 after eight. He's flush, breathing fasts, but not swatty. He 361 00:18:00.359 --> 00:18:02.559 ducks a hawk, claims he needs a shower to warm 362 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:05.480 up before we do anything together. I follow him stop 363 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:07.720 in the doorways. He strips off his clothes with uncharacteristic 364 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:10.039 urgency and tosses them not in the hamper, but straight 365 00:18:10.039 --> 00:18:13.839 into the wash. He's tense, almost edgy. Later that day, 366 00:18:13.920 --> 00:18:16.160 as I am peas Jim Bad looking for a missing charger, 367 00:18:16.319 --> 00:18:18.720 I find a crumpled fairacy to full breakfast for two 368 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:21.960 time stamped just after nine a m. At Canto. He 369 00:18:22.039 --> 00:18:24.279 claimed to have already finished his ride and showered by 370 00:18:24.279 --> 00:18:27.039 then said he'd grabbed him off and to go that night. 371 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:30.359 His clothes smell faintly off, unfamiliar perfume, a fluoroal trace 372 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:32.559 lingers in the collar of his cycling jacket, and his 373 00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:35.480 lipstick stay nearly innocem. I stare at it, press my 374 00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:37.720 finger to the mark, willing it to be a pencemere 375 00:18:38.359 --> 00:18:41.759 it doesn't come off. I ask Adam about the coffee charges, 376 00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:44.599 faking a tone of light accusation he's spending more on 377 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:48.160 coffee lately than groceries, trying to weave the barrister. He grins, 378 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:51.519 plays along, he caught me, but seriously, it's the after 379 00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:54.519 rid thing. Caffino collapsed, And for the record, I always tape. 380 00:18:54.920 --> 00:18:58.920 He's charming, opaque, like a magician, drawing attention away from 381 00:18:58.920 --> 00:19:02.079 the trick. I I don't laugh. I now even friends 382 00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:05.119 are slipping away from candor. When I mention the cycling 383 00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:07.799 group at a gathering, Lorna and Callum both duck their heads. 384 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:11.920 Answer in half sentences. They're protecting Adam. Maybe we're just 385 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:14.720 trying to avoid drama. It hurts the sense of collusion, 386 00:19:14.759 --> 00:19:16.640 the way even my own team feels out of reach. 387 00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:21.279 At work, I can't focus, My designs come out stilted, lifeless, 388 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:24.319 A scallopt my own screens, my hands drifting from undane 389 00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:28.240 color palettes. I get snippy with clients, dodge team happy hours, 390 00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:32.359 inventing deadlines. Adam, though, is lit up, full of energy 391 00:19:32.359 --> 00:19:34.920 at dinner parties, life of the room, bright, easy laughter. 392 00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:37.759 I resent it. I start to hate the way he 393 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:41.079 slips out of conversations, checks his watch, excuses himself for 394 00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:44.400 an early start. I replay every conversation in my head 395 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:48.640 each week, a new little inconsistency. Once he left a 396 00:19:48.680 --> 00:19:50.960 set of cycling shorts on the bathroom counter briefly, and 397 00:19:51.079 --> 00:19:54.519 notice the laundry tat was still attached, strange since he 398 00:19:54.599 --> 00:19:57.880 supposedly been wearing them every week. Another time, as I 399 00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:00.640 am putting away groceries, I find an unfamili energy bar 400 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:03.519 in the snack drawer, one I never buy. Adam says 401 00:20:03.559 --> 00:20:06.400