Speaker 1: Hi there, Welcome back to Vanity Farah. This is my podcast.
My name is Chris Farah, where I get to talk
about whatever I want to talk about, and I don't
talk about what I don't want to talk about, like
Last Resort, but that's not what we're talking about today.
We're talking about ninety Day Fiance. This is regular og
ninety day. It's season twelve. It's episode five, something old,
something new, which can describe every episode of nine a
Day Fiance because inevitably we have similar storylines and yet
there's always a little bit of a twist. I am
in adoration of this season. I really enjoy it. I
really like it. I like these people. I mean, I
hate me though we know that. But at the same time,
I'm really enjoying relishing even every episode, and I'm so
thankful for that, because, like I said, I cannot watch
this season three of Last Resort. I find I do
not like it. So if you are like, where is
that recap, you're not going to see it. I've considered
that maybe I'll go live on YouTube and not do
a podcast episode, but just like do like a ninety
day roundup where maybe you know, we can talk about
it if I decide to watch more episodes, and I'm
considering it, I have a lot more time on my hands.
I was this for the past six weeks doing a
improv comedy sketch writing course at a place in Los
Angeles called the Groundlings. And you learn improv and then
when you get to Writer's Lab, which is technically the
fourth level, you have to, of course write sketches and
write monologues and you put up a show at the theater.
And it's a storied theater where a lot of funny
people have come out of And even though I did
improv at another school called UCB, I had never gone
through the program at Groundlings. So one of the things
I decided to do is get back into some classes,
and I've really enjoyed it. This last level was really awesome.
I learned a lot, I loved all of my classmates,
and yeah, I got to do a sketch show at
Groundling's theater, which is lovely and very professional. I'm someone
who has done many sketches at other theaters, and I've
done like theater theater, and I've never done sketches at
a theater that has a more theater like etiquette. Like
having some lovely person move furniture on and off stage.
For me, I'm usually the person moving my own furniture
on stage in the blackout, you know. So it was
so much fun and at the same time, I'm so
lucky and I'm so happy at this level. Ground Links
members come and see the show and then they vote
on whether you personally can move on to the last level,
which is advanced, and I mean, through the grace of God,
I passed. I'm so pumped for that. So at the
same time, my time has been borrowed, something old, something new,
something borrowed, like my time. And I'm not blue because
I passed and I will have more time to do
more episodes. So having said that, because I've taken away
last resort, I've listened to the people, and the people
have asked for Love After lock Up. So I'm knee
deep in the new season. I'm having some like weird
issues trying to watch all the episodes in sequential order.
And I've also started watching This Is Polly. This Is
Polly and Love After lock Up are on we TV
if you have cable, as well as AMC the streaming network.
If you're someone who Honey got rid of the wires
and you know, went all digg digital. So this is
Polly's Bananas. I wish it was called Polly Pocket, and
I wish it was like, you know, a polycule is
what they call a group of people doing the poly lifestyle.
And I wish there was someone who, like you know,
would be like, it's our pocket, It's our Polly's pocket.
Now I want that joke. I'll tell you who doesn't
want it. Everyone else, I guess all the other people.
But if you're watching this is Polly, I mean it's yeah,
it's great, and it feels yeah, it feels very much
in the realm of like a love after lockup, like
just yeah, there's a lot of crazy characters, and you know,
obviously there's no like prison storyline, but there's just a
lot of people really enjoying their sex, loving that sex, honey,
loving it. I have always known about me that I
have like a jealous, possessive streak. Probably one of the
reasons why I'm single is, like I've I've said this before,
I have a toxic trait. And the toxic trait is,
if you enter me, you know what I'm talking about.
I feel like I should own you now? Is that right? No?
Is it okay? No? I'm not even that part of
the Whitney Houston song. It's not right. It's not okay. Uh.
And I'm trying to get over it. I'm trying to
not be like so like whatever like insecure attachment or
just whatever that is. Like, I just I really feel
like if you feel the inside of me, like you
should be devoted to me for like all space and time.
I don't know why I feel that way. I want
to blame Disney anyway. Wow. Okay, So here's the thing
I have tried, and this is episode five of this season,
to consider not talking about every episode for like two hours.
Will that happen this episode? I mean, I'm all quite sure,
so it can be that. And if it's listen, if
I get to forty five minutes, I've only talked about
two people, then yeah, it's going to be a part
one and a part two. At the same time, I
don't want to be verbose. I don't even have a
co host right now. It's just me spitballing. I just
there's a lot to say, and I have pictures. Okay,
let's get in, shall we? Marissa and Edward. Edward's really nice.
He has been on like that Instagram, honey, he like
has sent me little messages. He loved my video with
Jake where we talk bitually about Marissa's ex, you know,
the one that like looks like two different people with
a hat on and hat off. I made that into
a reel and that man loved it, which then I
was like, do you hate him? Okay, but okay, we're
gonna get into everything. Don't even worry about it. Okay,
So let's start. She's picked him up from the airport,
as we know, it's Pennsylvania Airport, it's Philadelphia International, Gobbless,
and she's driving him back to her home, and he
says he's never been in a BMW and she finds
that like hard to believe. She's like, really, you've never
been in a beamer. I don't know. Like, first of all,
I guess in my mind, I'm kind of like you've
already set the stage that you have a privileged lifestyle
and that he hasn't been on a plane, and like
he hasn't stayed in a hotel before. So I don't
understand why you have to make it such a big deal.
If he hasn't been in you or specific make of car.
I would have loved him to be like, no, but
I've been in many Mercedes, which is better? No, I
don't know. You know what I'm saying. It's so funny,
and it's like I'd be like if someone was like,
I haven't been in your kind of car, I'd be like, Oh,
there's like a lot of cars I haven't been in. Pause,
what kind of cars have not been in? Like? I
don't feel like I've ever been in a Jaguar great Like.
I you know, I've been in a Fiat. I've certainly
been in Toyota and Honda's. I've been in a Rolls.
I've been in Bentley. I've been in a range Rover.
I've been in an Audi. I've been in a Jetta.
Is that the same kind? Okay, I've been in Alexis.
I've been a Lincoln or I've you know what I
could have easily not been. I get Lincoln's in Cadillacs,
confused or probably not one of them. I haven't been
in a Ford Model T. I've been in trucks though. Well,
what a fascinating story, Chris. But you know, I don't
know I just would be like, yeah, but you know,
I not a lot of beamers there. I get it.
I get it now. He also doesn't use seat belts,
which I found funny. She's like, buckle up. And here's
the thing about that, which I get. If you haven't
been in a car that yells at you like welcome
to the like welcome to America, I have gotten more
like auditory sensitive, and so I can't deal with that beet, honey.
I mean, the minute someone hears that beet but they
don't put their seatbelt on immediately yell out part of
the car, I'll be like, put your spielt on. I'm
not going to keep driving with that sound. I can't
do it. There's not music loud enough for me to
like drown that out. He's is like I'm starting to
feel overwhelmed. And you know, there's always, well not there's always,
but there's definitely a running theme of Peeps coming from
a certain place and then having to drive in America
and being like, Wow, that's a lot of cow fields,
a lot of corn, a lot of flatland, a lot
of no people. You know. You know what I'm trying
to think, has there ever been a ninety DA fiance
couple where the American lives like in the heart of
New York City, And I feel like the answer is no,
Like there's definitely been La Peeps, right Nicole and Mahmoud famously,
but yeah, like there's never been someone who's like, let's
go back to my apartment on the Lower East Side,
you know, like you hanging out with me and Dime Square,
you know. No, Okay, Now she has what feels like
adopted a certain vernacular, she says multiple times in the episode,
and he does, you know, call it out the a aii.
She's like a ai ai and we're all like, that's
not that's not for you to say. We're not enjoying that. No,
I don would say that. I don't like that because
it just feels a little put on. He's looking around,
He's like, everybody is Mucco Blanco here, and we're like, yep, yes, yeah,
welcome to wasp City, Waspy Town, USA. That's ok yeah,
it's I mean, yeah, I in Newport Beach, where you know,
I've done a lot of my my growing up, there's
definitely a lot of white people. I used to say
to people that I was like one of the browner
people in school, which was true. There was me and
one nice gentleman, uh I think, yeah, his name was Braulio,
and like we were for sure. I mean, I don't
know if I I know I look blanco as well,
but yeah, like it's weird to be in a place
where it's just a bunch of blond peopleeole, just a
bunch of blonde people. I don't know how Layla does
it from Secret Loves of Mormon Wives, I don't know
how anyone does it in Utah, Okay. So she gets
some home and she's like, welcome to my home. He's
like huhuh, and then she like, take off those shoes now.
Before then she's like, also bring your bags up. And
he's like, yeah, you know, seeing this home, I was
like in Chuck, you know. And she's like what he's like,
I seeing this home I was in chok And she's like,
what what are you even saying? Or like shock? I
mean even shock cause I'm that hard. She's like, oh, shock, shock,
I'm sorry, I'm in shock with how you pronounced that.
It's interesting. She also like doesn't get that he's making
a home alone reference He's like your house looks like
home alone. She's like you mean ah, it's like yeah, yeah,
yeah girl, So she wants those shoesies off seas like
I said, And it's interesting there are certain like cultures
that you know, take off the shoes, you know, notably
and you know, even a trope kind of Asian households.
But I feel like, yeah, it's permeated America, just like
how bidats have, like you know, like I would say,
at least half the people I know enjoy shoesies off
when someone walks inside, and a lot of people I know, honey,
have a bidet. So I'll tell you though, I like
shoes off in my place, like I prefer it. And
it's annoying to me that like certain people who know
that will like come in and always ask me, like
should take my shoes off? And I'm like, yeah, you
know that. I bought those blue like temporary now, those
blue like throwaway things people put around shoes because I'm
so sick of having to like beg someone to do it.
I get it's annoying, but I have like a full
basket of different socks and slippers and then I have
those temporary things, and you know, I hate to say
it's right. You know. It's just like if you are
going to be all over the place, and I mean
all over God's green earth, you can't just track that
mud in. I get mad when people don't like brush
their shoes off or like whatever before they get in
my car. Like there's nothing worse than getting your car
washed and looking down and you're passing your seat and
you're seeing someone just like walked through fields and then
it's all on your car. My dad, Yeah, Like my
dad won't take off his shoes. He won't do it. Dad,
my dad wears shoes like when he's watching TV. I'm like,
takeles off. He won't do it, and he gets he
won't even like listen to me being like, will you
take off your shoes? Like he just pretends it didn't
happen to go shake his head. It's like just not
fathomable for him to take off his shoes anyway. Men
being men, I guess. So she's like you're gonna learn,
You're gonna learn the rules. He's like, oh good, he's
been learning rules to be with her. He has to
know that she's like high maintenance, except that it's probably
more tolerable to have someone be like high maintenance when
they're at a hotel and you feel like, well this,
you know, this rich bitch is paying this hotel, you
know whatever, how much money for this suite, And then
to realize that it's like her entire way of life
is controlled and dictated by her, and she's like somewhat
used to her system and now you just have to
be a cog in the machine. Having said that, I
get it, Orsa. I get it as you know, a
seasoned woman who's lived by herself. I definitely have the
ways I want to do things. I cannot imagine if
someone put the roll of toilet paper on where like
the paper comes from under, or even worse, if there's
no more toilet paper left and they just put the
new role just sitting on top of the old role.
I mean crazy, that's crazy. So she's showing him the
house and let's talk about it. So I took pictures
because I was like, what is happening here? This bedroom
set looks just like a version of Shay's bedroom set
she has for this house. This house is beautiful, it's big,
it's beautiful, truly, But I will say that her decor
looks decidedly from a different time, Like I made fun
of Shay for his like wooden, dark wooden bedroom set,
and then like she has the exact same thing. She's
a full like dark wooden bedroom set, and on top
there's like three minuscule little drawings of different bridle gowns.
Her it looks like this, Yeah, this looks so nineties.
Her vanity doesn't match. It has a big gold mirror,
and then there's like gold hardware on her chest. And
then her closet situation, she has these like awkward silver
I'm not gonna say they're vases. They're like it looks
almost like torsos, like human torsos without heads, just sitting
on top. Now she has dual closets, and she's like,
I use all mine and then I use half of yours,
and I'll be honest. I kind of was like, that's fine.
She's giving him two full rows of clothes to hang up.
Now he does need to drawer, like for his underwear,
because like you can't hang up underwear, like what are
you gonna do those socks? And he has clean socks,
and she did not trust that he would. So we
see that. We see that and then so then she's like,
and here's the real deal. This is a really big
privilege for you. And we're like, oh my god, what
is she going to say? And it's that she made
her ex use her kid's bathroom. I found that interesting.
A this house looks huge, and so then I'm like, wait,
is this house only two baths? Only two bathrooms? She
has a bathroom that's like a Jack and Jill sink,
and she's like, I'll let you use it now. The
other weird thing about this bathroom is that there's two showers.
I have to think that one. I don't even understand that.
How is there two showers? Like, is are you talking
about that? There's like a bathtub with like a shower
attachment and then a free standing shower because Cannons have
like two free standing showers side by side. That's banana
talk because I feel like I've seen big ass showers,
one enclosed shower with you know, multiple heads. And she
then goes into the fact that she wants to take
a shower and she likes to only take a shower
by herself, and he's like, yeah, you know, she did
that before we were in the hotel, and she's like yeah,
I really hate shower sex. I hate it, and she's
like inevitable. One person's always cold. Okay, I disagree. Now,
it's there's a lot of like romance about you know,
sex and water and like, you know, jacuzzi. Jacuzzis are
supposed to be like a whole hot ass thing and
literally like hot. I get not wanting to like, you know,
actually do the deed, like the actual act in that
because maybe like you'll feel like the chlorium will go
up your coach and you know hard. But it's also
the same time, like making out and jacuzi is really
good at the same time, if you're making out with
me and it feels good, who knows what I'm going
to do. I love shower sex. I love it. Surely
it is a little bit awkward, but you know whatever,
I think that there's something kind of fun about the
awkwardness that happens during sex. Sometimes, like the same part
of me that kind of enjoys like a primal aspect
of sex has to then understand that there's like also
the primal awkwardness of sex of like what position and
how do you put your leg up and all that stuff. Yeah,
Like I love being clean and I feel sexy out
of I mean I feel sexy when i'm clean. I
feel definitely not sexy when I'm like dirty or sweaty,
Like that's not my thing. I'll never be someone who's like, yeah,
let's work out, I'm going to do a full cardio
and then let's fuck. W Well, I'm sweaty, Like I
can't even do it. It gives me the yick. I
give myself the yick. And then conversely, if I'm clean,
I feel like a goddamn queen and I'm like, you know,
like throw me into the wolves. Yeah. I'm also someone
who likes and this is You're like, Chris, this is
this is why you're doing part one and part two
because you're talking about your sex life so much in
these episodes, and I'm like, that's fine. I really like
car sex. I think I've talked about this before. I
love it. I love the backseat of a car, you know,
like passenger seat, not as fun, i'll do it, but
backseat of a car for sure. Like I like the idea.
And I think it's so to be in a place
and then need to have sex because you're you know
you're in You're also in that place, you know. So
it's like you're in that place and you want to
have sex, You're not gonna like wait and I gonna
be like, let's get to the perfect spot twenty minutes
from now. This this has to happen. It needs to
happen right now, Like I can't imagine the world without it,
Like and then your mine, like I said, then I
brand you like a cow, and then you have to
be mine forever. And if you try and leave me,
I'll kill you. Hmm. I won't kill you, but I'll
be really upset and you'll know, Okay. So yeah, I
also think that it's like something interesting for her. Yeah,
she's very controlling. She knows that she's like type A.
You know, she's like probably like you know, a go getter,
like a perfectionist, and so she can't like allow herself
to enjoy things that are a little fucked up or
a little messy. And you know, I think that there's
like when you are militant in so that kind of world,
if you're just like I get up and I have
a protein smoothie. I can also have one hard boiled
egg until lunch. Like if you are that, like, how
do you enjoy life, like what happens if you go
and travel abroad, Like there has to be room for
the human experience. You know, you have to have shower sex.
Sometimes you'd have car sex. Okay. So at one point
she's like, I don't know, giving her opinion, and he's
like okay, and she's like, disagree with me because I'm right,
and I was like, you're insufferable. Then he's like, okay,
sit down, I have something to show you. It's my
new dick, my new dick, you know, and she's like, wow, wow,
it looks great. Yeah, and then you know, they tell
us about the time they first had sex, and I
guess she was like, saw that dick, which was, you know, uncircumcised,
and she was like, that looks different. And I find
that shocking how she was already like, unless you tell
me her ex was like her high school sweetheart, if
she nary had sex with anyone else, How did that
like woman of the age of like forty something had
never seen an uncircumcised d never is Edward the first
person of color or like non like American that you've
like boned. That's just so crazy to me. Also, again
because I watched so much naked attraction. I'm like, you
gotta get used to what dick's look like. And I
say that also because vagina's looks so different, right, boobs
look so different. I can't imagine a world in which,
like I would take off my top and somebody be like, wow,
your boobs are different looking. I'd be like, what, Like,
I'm sorry, I've only been with like, you know, perky bees.
I'd be like, well, then you don't deserve these, Okay,
I think you own deserve my boobs. It's just that
I feel like the art of having sex is enjoying
the spectrum of human experience right shower sex, car sex.
But also, like vagias look different, you know, like labias,
you know, like can hang out, can be tucked in.
You know, one is longer than the other. You know,
like maybe they're pink, maybe they're purple, maybe they're brown,
you know, maybe they're black. You know, maybe they're like,
you know, peach colored, you know, like god bless. And
like dicks look different, you know, like balls look different.
Sometimes it looks like one kind of like my minute sack,
and sometimes they look like two very distinct low hanging balls.
You know, and you can't like comment on someone's physical
anatomy in a way that makes it seem like you
aren't happy with what you see, or that you never
imagined a world in which someone would look like that.
That's crazy talk, especially if you're like old. I mean,
this is like so shitty. But like maybe there's you know,
maybe there's guys that like only watch porn that like
are like I thought that's what vaginas look like, or
I always thought, I don't know, boobs were like rock
Hard were like you know, nipples sat you know, like
two inches from the top and there was I don't know,
like that's not real anyway. I just se yeah, I
don't like when people make people feel like they're inadequate.
So I'm not gonna like eyesh either. Okay, So God bless.
So she is happy with his dick. Now, she's like
into it. She's like says it's perfect. He's like good
because the process was horrible. It was bloody, it was horrible.
It was really painful, and we're like, oh, are you happy?
Remember how she tried to tell us that it was
like he did this just to like be okay at
a gym locker room. He hasn't said any of that,
He hasn't mentioned that. He hasn't mentioned that shit ever.
I wonder why she said that to her like girlfriends
at the bridal shop, because she wouldn't want to make
it seem like she made him do it. I just
know that she did, like and you know that she
was like, that's different from any dick I've ever seen.
It's not an American dick. I'll tell you that right now.
That's a dr dick, you know. And he was like,
oh is that bad? Because by the looks of you,
it's not great. But I'll tell you everyone who's seen
it here is reported at home good. I've gotten five stars,
I've gotten good ratings here, so you can leave a review, honey.
But everyone else loved it, so you know, we're like, okay,
how is this going to be? And so they go
to bed and he can't turn off a lamp. She's like,
I don't know how to do it. Never drive in
a beamer and can't turn off a lamp. Okay, well
just watch me. I'm gonna reach over you and pull
a string. It's funny, because why is it funny? I
want him to just be like you just kidding because
she has the kind of like sink faucet that like
you just touch and I'm like, get a lamp, but
you just touch the base. Then I yeah, it's not
fun to have to reach over and then just like
pull like a high up string. So I will also
say this, she has horrible taste and interior decor, which
makes and she has great clothes, right, great clothes, horrible
and tear design taste. I find that fascinating. She has
written walart, so does Mallory, same kind of like written
on a piece of plank that's like love laugh or
home is where the Heart is, you know, one of those.
I feel like I could be saying this and I
could have a listener that's like bitch, so do I,
And I'll be like, Okay, can we just at least
say this. Trends come and go, and I get that
you can go to home Goods right now and see
like words that you're supposed to put up as art.
But unless I'm sorry, I keep like changing positions, unless
you did it yourself, unless you have like a child
who want to color in your mind, and then like
Reno wrote that on something, why don't we just get
rid of it. I'm just get rid of it. It's
too basic. Now, that's why it's too basic. Everyone sees
those things. Everyone knows you didn't make it. It's like
no one's gonna be like, wow, what a good reminder
home heart. It just it feels if I say this,
it's gonna be really bad. I'm so sorry. I'm like,
it does feel like the most basic white person thing.
And I like a lot of basic white people think, I,
you know, I'll fuck with a pumpkin spice latte. But
that least tastes good, and it doesn't last forever. It
isn't like supposed to be, you know, in you know,
your life for like fourteen years at a time. You know, Like,
I guess. The other thing is that word art is
never gonna be better than real art. Words belong like
in people's mouths and on pages, and art of some
kind belongs on walls, you know, like make it pretty,
make it mean something. I want to look at a
painting or a picture and be like, that is a
sentimental picture of this person's like favorite times in life,
or wow, that painting means something to them. They're like
looking into this great gray hole and that's you know,
our existence now as people that follow AI. I just
want to like have a thought behind what this means
to this person and not just this person went to
home goods. This person decorated sixteen years ago and they
just left that there anyway. Okay, so morning comes and
so did he ha ha ha, just kidding. So he
can't wait to have, you know, breakfast, and he's a
growing man and so similar to Shay. Instead of getting
breakfast in bed, she's like, let's make you a protein
smoothie breakfast. And she makes a protein smoothie and he
it looks good, like it looks like a strawberry milkshake.
Now then he's like, is this it? And she's like,
oh god, yeah, it's it for me. But here here
is a packaged hard boiled egg. And he's like, now,
packaged hard boiled eggs, just like packaged egg bites are
a whole thing. And I get it's a thing. For
some reason, I'm with him. I think packaged hard boiled
eggs Google gross me out. I feel like they're slimy.
I feel like I don't trust them, and I think
I'm wrong. I think that, like, you know, they're a
good protein source and you can just grab and go.
And she's like, we like convenience in America. And he's like,
that's dumb, because you can just make a hard boiled egg.
And I'm kind of like, not easily. I don't use
packaged hard boiled eggs. I because I like making eggs
in the morning, Like I love like a soft scramble egg,
or like a Jammy scramble egg, you know, where you
just like soft scramble, so you're just like constantly stirring,
or just like Jammy where you barely stirred to the
very end and then suddenly like you can really see
the difference between whites and yellows. I like my egg segregated,
is what I'm trying to say. I don't like when
you like how shaded. I don't like when you break
the egg in a container and whiskit and then when
you actually cook it, it's all just like light butter
yellow and you have to put salt and pepper on it.
So yeah, like I don't mind doing that. I think
it's really good. So but she won't do it. I'm like,
what do you make your kids? What do you make
your kids for breakfast? You just give them hard boiled eggs,
or you just like, is there some cereal? Like I
know you had that, like Catalina crunch, I knowed that
protein hereal you know what I'm talking about. So he's
still hungry. Then they start to make some gross jokes,
and the gross jokes are about leche. He's like, I
gave you some luche last night. I'm talking about whether
she wants milk and her coffee. And then we're gonna
now consider the fact that leche like means his like
you know, come, I hate this. I would also need
someone who's like a native Spanish speaker to tell me
if like inevitably that's always a word for jiz, because
I feel like I would rather than use crama cream
like I would like that makes more sense to me
than just milk. Yeah. Yeah, So she's like, listen, we
have great sexualcam It's why we're together. If all us fails,
we can fuck for hours, like not in a shower.
I'm happy for her, though, I'm happy that you can
be in a relationship that works, and one of the
building blocks is great sex. It's funny because I don't
quite know what they have in common besides the great sex. Though,
and she definitely is like not much. I don't know, like,
you know, I would love like a conversation to know
like what his goals, aspirations, dreams are, his philosophies and
theories about life that she like listens to and she's like, yeah,
that's what I wote. Yes, that's what I think, and
then she yes ants it and says something else and
he's like yes or this, and you're like, yeah, you're
just like going back and forth like some you know,
pickleball thing where you're both in the kitchen just thinking
back and forth. You're just like that kind of conversation
that like flows where you just like have two like
minds from different parts of the world, but they really
come together in such a way. Well, we never get
that on this show. We really just get like you're weird,
and then the other person's be like me, well, I
don't like you either. You you're just like it's so
there's always like a lot of arguing. Okay, So yeah,
he is forced to eat a hard boiled egg that
she didn't even put salt and pepper on. What who
eats unseasoned, unsalted eggs? That's that's fucking gross. This is
when he he tries to sink and it's automatic. Honey,
he can't get over it. He can't get oh, or
he's just touching it, laughing, touching it off, touching it, laughing,
touching off. She's like, I don't know what I've done.
This is this can't be it. He also calls her
Blondie and she's like yep, and we're like, but girl,
can we just see what it looks like if you
did like tamper that platinum down a little bit? It
would be so nice to see her with like some
low lights, just a different shade, you know, like not
like all one in color like oor County blonde, but
like you know, like what'd be like if you got
like some different tones then they connect. Just kidding no.
Then she's like, let me show you how to make
the bed because you're too damned to play to do
it my way, And she's just like all of the
lines go up and down, and then she like makes
her ugly ass bed, really hideous bed, I mean with
like the colors are just gray, gray and white against
like black and brown, I mean, like no, with gold accents,
like really yellow gold accents. How are you like in
a design or any sort of like fashiony kind of world.
Like even though her clothes are great, if I went
to her house and'd be like, oh you can I
can't buy a bridle down from you. You're gonna sleep
in this. Also, if you're so rich, why haven't you
gotten like someone to like help you out, like decor
this home a little bit? Why have you seemingly like
did your whole house from like TJ Max and like
the year of two thousand and two. Okay, So then
she's like, let's go on a walk and I'll show
you around town, around her neighborhood, and she like is
like is your socks clean? He's like yeah. So they
go all like on a walk, but it's not really
a normal walk. It's a power walk. I mean she
is like, you know, pushing those arms up and down.
She's really you know, uh doing yeah, I mean doing
that thing where she is like power walking and for
him to keep up he has to mildly jog. She
does give someone who is wildly observant about her physical form,
just like the basic gas breakfast with like shitty eggs
and like no salt, and then like someone who like
can't just walk around a neighborhood for someone's first time,
but makes them like run around in the heat on
his first day. Yeah, unless I guess I would have
to understand that something that you guys do together that
like brings you together is working out. Maybe, But he
doesn't seem to want to do it. He's not like, yeah, babe,
let's get my Apple watch on and get those steps in.
He's like, this is a nightmare. I can't even really
talk to you. He is over it, because like he
at one point when she turns her head like does
some sort of like sticking his tongue out in such
a way that makes us know that he is like
rolling his eyes over it more than rolling his eyes
sticking out his tongue. Also, she does drop that she's
a bar instructor, which I found that interesting too because
I was kind of like, wait, so, well, you work
full time in New York as like you know, a
very busy ceoo, and then you like have time on
the weekends to teach a bar method class where you
have to like show up and then you don't. I
mean this is also interesting because for someone who wants
to work out a lot when you're an instructor. You
have to like not focus on your own workout. You
have to like look around and make sure someone's everyone's
doing the right thing and everything. So that was weird.
I guess I was kind of like, aren't you too
rich for this? Don't you not have enough time to like,
you know, what are you doing? Bar method? Honey, god
blas cardio bar? What is it? Cat? This used to
be such a big thing, like bar methods and cardio
bars were all over, and now they're gone. Soul cycles
were like all over, and you know, they're not really
around anyway. Now. I feel like the hottest thing is
literally hot yoga, hot skulpt hot yoga. I can't do
hot yoga anymore. It makes me so sad. I got
too loose. So I told you this already. It makes
me mad, though. So She's like, well, the kids are
going to come back from camp and you're gonna meet Michael.
And I've been really really building this up that Michael
is an agromaniac, and yet it's your job, Edward to
make our family. Okay, I'm like, what, Yeah, you really
like been like, Michael gets will get mad, mad mad.
He's super aggressive and he's not gonna be happy and Edward,
it's on you. And all Edward has done this whole
time is like, yeah, I just want to be like
a cool guy to your kids. I'm not trying to
be their dad, like he said that. So I don't
understand why she's like, this falls in your hands, Edward,
what are you going to choose to do ruin my family?
Or talk to Michael nicely? He's like, then we get
the little like thing where he's like, I'll be honest,
I always wanted kids, and she's like, well, I don't.
I don't wantny more kids. I'm done. And so he
had to sort of choose to come to America and
be with the love of his life. That meant that
he wouldn't have his own kids. And he's like, and
I'm here. That's hard. That's a hard thing. I kind
of wish that we would like know a little more
about Edward, like does he have nieces and nephews, does
he have like, you know, siblings, Like what does his
mom think of Marissa? Has Marissa met his family? Okay,
so Michael comes with the two kids and he meets
Edward for the first time. He's like, oh, yeah, God,
you know what, I thought you were shorter. I thought
you were the same size as Marissa and Edward clocks
that as being rude and also kind of like alpha
e or like trying to like be like I thought
you were smaller, but also at the same time, it's like, no, motherfucker,
I'm big. And also you look like a toe without
a hat on, so you know. And then it's like
this thing where Marissa's like, Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs
with the boys and you guys can do your man talk.
But before then, now you guys thirsty, And then she
pours them whiskey and makes them drink it out of
like purple plastic tiny cups. Girl, What you don't have
like some nice beveled glasses, like those highball glasses or something.
I don't expect you to have that thing where it's
like one big block of ice, but like you know,
like you can I make them drink out of like
tiny purple plastic glasses. Alcohol. Girl, what are you doing
in this home? What is this home? What's happening in
these cupboards, what is happening on these walls? Why is
this the life you're choosing? If you are so controlling,
if you're so like only the best for me, Like
I wouldn't be caught dead being on national television having
anyone drink out of plastic cups, specifically alcohol, unless it
was like a thing where we had to play like
beer pong and you have to use those red solo cups.
But even then I'd be upset and I'd be like,
not my home, do it somewhere else? You No? I
just was like, girl, what So then him and Michael
talk and basically Michael's like, listen, if you ever get
aggressive with Marissa, like if you guys fight and you
get physically demongsatively violent, then I'm going to come and
kick your ass, which was so weird to say because
it's like, why do you think he's going to do that?
Is that what you do? Are you talking about what
you did at orsa that you can foresee edwards? Like
I'm not someone who does that. And then he's like, listen,
I can. I know it's hard because she has rich
parents and they looked down on me. They fucking hated me.
They were just so rude to me, and you know,
it's hard, and so they kind of like bond over
how shitty and judgmental. Her rich parents are interesting, right. Okay,
So next couple is Mito and Debbie. So listen. After
their horrendous move day where he wanted to take some
bullshit picture of him pretending to drive the van and
she was like, here's a picture and he's like a
video and she was like, oh, I'm tired, and he
was like die bit for not listening to me, and
then he wouldn't talk because he was so tired. Next morning,
she's like, how are you and he's like, I only
have slept. He's like a little baby. She's like, okay,
well we can talk about it outside. Let's go to
this pirate coffee shop in New Orleans. He's like okay.
So then he gets there and the person's like, what
do you want to drink or whatever? He's like a latte.
Then she goes, I'll have a soda with ice. Then
that person just turns around and he's like okay. It
makes what this annoyed me so much? I don't even know,
Like okay, that's like going to press juice and being
like I'll get a juice and the person like, okay,
soda is like drink, what do you want? What? Do
you want I'll have a drink? Great? What fucking kind?
What kind? What person would be like, all right, what
flavor of soda? Because that's one word that describes many
different kinds. If you have a soda machine, there's six
different kinds right there? What fucking kind of soda? I
mean you can tell me, like bitch in New Orleans,
soda means pepsi, but I mean, like, no, it doesn't
because like soda could also mean like you just listen,
I don't. She ended up getting a brown soda, so
like it was like either coke or pepsi or doctor
Pepper got blast. It wasn't starry or Sierra miss I
don't make that anymore or seven up. But like, yeah,
that annoyed me to the ninth degree because it would
fell fake cod. Why is the producer not being like, okay,
do it again? And to the worker here? Can you
ask what kind of soda? Or Debbie say what kind
of soda? I mean you can't even ask for water
without them being like spark or still. I really didn't
like that. Can you tell? Like even in La they'd
be like, what kind of milk in the latte? Do
you want? I get that everything is la. So they're
you know, over their perspective, no respective, yes, whatever, They're
chosen caffeinated beverages. They talk about the fight of all fights,
and he's like, you threw the phone in my face.
You did zet. She's like, no, I didn't. I just
put it in your lap. He's like, you bessegraded the
word of me the man. Okay. So he is just
obnoxious obviously. And I did like such an apologetic tour
talking about him last episode where I was like, I
hate to say this, but I do think he's gay
blah blah blah. And I don't want to like out
someone or like, you know, talk about their sexuality. And
I'm going to take all that back. I don't do
that unless you are doing this. You can't be trying
to scam a woman when you are gay by making
them feel like you like them. I don't allow Colton
Underwoods in this realm. Like I'm a female, I love females.
I'm not going to like talk about someone in any
kind of way that makes it like if they're a
nice person. But if you are scamming a female and
you love dick, and you will only have Dick in
your mouth fuck you anyway? Then just didn't. Yeah, I've
been ride the dick. I'll never talk about it again.
But god bless like he's trying to pull a fast
one over Debbie. He says this, you know, does ze
to Debbie. I don't know, I'm getting a fresh accent.
He's like, she hasn't been with a man for twenty
nine years. She needs to learn. And I was like, well,
you be the one that teachers her. You certainly know
how to be with men. Teacher, teacher your ways. How
do you like? You know, how do you like they
like the balls cradled, you know, no teeth right mito,
you know. But then he gets right into like the
muslimness where he's like, you know, she has to know
what the Koran and the egypt women. You know, Egyptian
women respect the man. And it's like no one there
respects you, even like the girls in your social media.
You can tell are like, oh this is gross. I
want to be up. I don't want to mean this real.
He is horrible to her, and he's like you have
to do what I say, and she's like I was tired.
He's like, not good enough. Listen, if we would in Egypt.
I would leave you right the way. If this ever
happens again, I'm gone, I get the ticket. I never
see your face. Okay, and we're watching this, we're like, Debbie,
are you listening to this bullshit? Debbie? Thank god? He's
literally being like he'll leave. This is the moment where
you're like, then great, get a lift to the airport,
you know, like, take your things. My daughter can't wait
to have her own room in my now two bedroom apartment.
Get the fuck out of here. Also have fun paying
for your own plane ride back. You know, you're just like,
oh my god. Debbie listens to all this with like
no makeup on, and we're like, girl, you're hearing what
you're hearing. And then she's like, where's my ring? And
we're like, oh, my first thought was like, yes, she's
asking for hurrying back that she gave him right and
she's like asking like, hey, give me my ring and
get the fuck out of here. That's not what she's doing,
though she's somehow didn't listen to the past twenty minutes
of that conversation. And then it's now asking him to
hurry up and give her the engagement ring for them
to continue on this charade, and we're like, okay, well, okay,
now we know what we're dealing with, which is a
dumb fuck. Okay, fine, so you're saying, wash my hands
of like trying to like support you without what you're saying.
You're saying, I can't. You're saying, know who I'm dealing with,
which is a daft Debbie who is going to hear
all this. Have some man treat her that way in
her own home when you brought her out here, who
emotionally be used you by some stupid prank by being like,
I'm not gonna come, and you fucking just were sitting
there crying and throwing up a lover yourself. And now
when he got mad at you for not taking a
fucking video because you realize he never wants to take
a video or picture with you, he does not like you,
you just sit there, drink your soda and ask for
him to like double down on his commitment to you. Now,
why okay, Debbie? Okay, Well, Debbie must be very fucking lonely.
I mean, and she like really loves effeminatee men. That's
the only thing I could think of. There's no way
there's no way. You see him in those like tight
ass leggings and you're like, there's my guy, where's that ring?
He loves me? Someone on Instagram told me that he
was also their tour guide, and I was like, did
he try and kiss you? How good was that kiss
in a mummy's cave? What did Devin do when he
was kissing her? Like was because Devin was on the tour?
Was Devin like, oh, say should I just keep walking?
Just I? This cannot be real, Like this is one
of the more Banana Ramas couples, just because she lives
every day, like she gets up in the morning and
puts two socks on and gets her asked to work
and somehow talks other people into spending more money than
they need to on insurance. She has like some wherewithal
to do all that. She can't see that this man
is like craving d I can't and it's not Debbie.
It's not a d for Debbie that he's craving you guys.
It's really hard for me. This has been hard for me.
I don't want to be so mean to this person,
but I hate him. I can't even Oh, he'd be
someone that he became to La, he would like get
ripped off by a scam. He'd be like, Oh, I
found an agent. I just have to raise four thousand
dollars to pay the agent, you know. Like and that part,
I guess does make me somewhat happy, Like I would
like to see him get scammed. I know, if that
really happens anymore. I feel like we've in the age
of the Internet, Like it's harder to be someone who's
like trying to scam actors in that way. I mean,
there's there's not even auditions anymore anyway, I meant know,
all right, they're ends part one of this recap because
I'm already at fifty five minutes, and I have so
many more couples who do, so many more couples do do.
And I hate Mio and I hate Debbie for being
with me noo, and I mean, what do I do?
I don't know to tell you except God bless, I'm
just gonna The good news is I do like Mallory
and Rashid, and they do feel like a sort of
like palate cleanser to them. So I'll start with them
and in part two. But thank you so much for listening.
If you haven't yet given this podcast five stars. Also,
you can follow me I am at Chris Selfair on
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guys so much. Patroon dot com slash Chris Farah and
just go ahead and push part two, babes. I'll talk
to you then, right