Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is
Speaker 1: the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so
Speaker 1: glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in
Speaker 1: a series called talking about Stuff that Matters Now. In
Speaker 1: this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking
Speaker 1: what it means to live in community, have real conversation
Speaker 1: about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.
Speaker 1: It's honest, hopeful. So stay tuned. You won't want to
Speaker 1: miss a second. And now let's get to the final
Speaker 1: part of a message called forming healthy friendships.
Speaker 2: Second key to building friendships be comfortable. Relax and be yourself.
Speaker 2: That's the second key to building great friendships. Relax and
Speaker 2: be yourself. Be comfortable with you, he said. But Rick,
Speaker 2: if I be me, they might not like the real me. Well,
Speaker 2: if they're not going to like the real you, they're
Speaker 2: never going to be your friend in the first place.
Speaker 3: And if they don't like the real you, they don't
Speaker 3: deserve to be your friend.
Speaker 2: And if they don't like the way you really are,
Speaker 2: they're not worthy of your friendship. So any person, you
Speaker 2: have to be somebody different than who you are to
Speaker 2: be their friend.
Speaker 3: It's not a friend. They're not a friend.
Speaker 2: So if you can't just be who you are, then
Speaker 2: you don't want them as a friend. They aren't worthy
Speaker 2: as a friend, and they're never going to be your
Speaker 2: friend in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself,
Speaker 2: and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend
Speaker 2: and who's not. You have to love yourself before you
Speaker 2: love anybody else.
Speaker 3: You have to think you're worthy.
Speaker 2: If you missed last week's message on identity, go back
Speaker 2: and listen to that about that you have something significant
Speaker 2: to give to the world. Go back and listen to
Speaker 2: that again. On those five reasons why you know you
Speaker 2: can feel good about you. Jesus in Matthew twenty two
Speaker 2: thirty nine said this, The second greatest command in the
Speaker 2: whole Bible is this, love your neighbor as you love yourself.
Speaker 2: You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.
Speaker 2: You know why, because if I don't like me and
Speaker 2: I don't feel good about me, I certainly don't want
Speaker 2: you feeling good about you. So I'm going to be
Speaker 2: constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down
Speaker 2: because I don't feel good about me. That's why anytime
Speaker 2: you find somebody in your family, an in law, a parent,
Speaker 2: of anybody who's constantly picking, picking, he just means one
Speaker 2: day they don't feel good about themselves. Hurt people, hurt people,
Speaker 2: hurt people, hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else
Speaker 2: in the family, it means they need massive doses of
Speaker 2: love because they're hurting. Insecure people want everybody else to
Speaker 2: be insecure. So the constantly perfectionist biting, you know, arguing
Speaker 2: and nipping at everything, they're just revealing their own hurt.
Speaker 2: They're revealing hurt people, hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors,
Speaker 2: you love yourself. You got to be comfortable with you,
Speaker 2: and if you're not comfortable with you, that's why you
Speaker 2: don't have many friends. You just need to start realizing.
Speaker 2: As we talked about last week, God says you are
Speaker 2: my masterpiece. I made you to be you, and nobody
Speaker 2: else in the world could be you. That's one advantage
Speaker 2: you have over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now,
Speaker 2: if you can't be around them, then then it's not
Speaker 2: going to be a real friendship. That's why you don't
Speaker 2: want these kind of friendships where you have to wear
Speaker 2: a mask. Second Corinthians four, verse two says this we refuse.
Speaker 2: We refuse to wear masks and play games, and we
Speaker 2: don't maneuver, we don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love
Speaker 2: that in the message translation, saying we're the real deal.
Speaker 2: We're not perig but what you see is what you get.
Speaker 2: We're authentic, We're the real deal. And if you can't
Speaker 2: be real, then they're not going to be your friend anyway.
Speaker 2: So be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself.
Speaker 2: Be comfortable in your own skin. Number three, Be conversational
Speaker 2: And what do I mean by that? Be conversational by
Speaker 2: asking questions. Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking
Speaker 2: with somebody you're just meeting for the first time, and
Speaker 2: you're asking them questions about themselves, that's called the conversation.
Speaker 2: If you're talking to somebody and all you're doing is
Speaker 2: talking about yourself, that's called the monologue. That is not
Speaker 2: a conversation. When you're going and you're trying to impress
Speaker 2: everybody with how cool you are, that's a monologue.
Speaker 3: That is not a way to make friends.
Speaker 2: The way you make friends is by asking questions and why,
Speaker 2: because questions shows you're interested in them.
Speaker 3: Philippians two four.
Speaker 2: Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested
Speaker 2: in others and in what they are doing. That's how
Speaker 2: you have friends. Be interested in others in what they're doing.
Speaker 2: Circle the phrase be interested. Now I'm gonna give you
Speaker 2: something if you don't get anything else. This is one
Speaker 2: of the most important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay,
Speaker 2: so I'm gonna ask you to write it down. The
Speaker 2: secret of making friends is to be interested, not interesting.
Speaker 2: The secret of making friends is to be interested in them,
Speaker 2: not interesting yourself. This is the biggest mistake people make
Speaker 2: and trying to find friends. They're trying to be interesting.
Speaker 2: We're trying to look cool, smell cool, sound cool, be cool,
Speaker 2: wear cool clothes, great, cool hairdoo. And we want to
Speaker 2: be you know, the mysterious man of mystery or a
Speaker 2: woman of me you know, and and we want to
Speaker 2: be interesting. Stop trying to be interesting, be interested, be
Speaker 2: interested in them.
Speaker 3: You'll have plenty of friends.
Speaker 2: You will make more friends in two months being interested
Speaker 2: in others than you will in two years of trying
Speaker 2: to be interesting, trying to be sexy, trying to be.
Speaker 3: Cool, trying.
Speaker 2: If you just people are waiting for people to be
Speaker 2: interested in them, and if you will be put aside
Speaker 2: your ego and be interested in them, how do you
Speaker 2: be interested in them? Ask questions. The more questions you ask,
Speaker 2: the more you know. There's sometimes I'll sit down with
Speaker 2: somebody at some you know, rubber chick or dinner banquet
Speaker 2: that I have to go to, and I don't know
Speaker 2: them from Adam. But I'll just start asking serious questions
Speaker 2: and I'll say hardly anything.
Speaker 3: That night. They're talking the whole time.
Speaker 2: They go away thinking mat Rick Warren, he's the greatest
Speaker 2: conversationalist there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just
Speaker 2: got them talking, and I let them talk. Stop trying
Speaker 2: to be interesting, start being interested. The world is looking
Speaker 2: for people who will be interested in them, and so
Speaker 2: that's a real key you ask questions. There's a verse
Speaker 2: year on the screen. Write this down Proverbs twenty verse five.
Speaker 2: It says this, A person's thoughts are like water in
Speaker 2: a deep well, but with insight you can draw them out.
Speaker 2: How do you draw people out? How do you get
Speaker 2: people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of
Speaker 2: people ask questions. Learn to ask questions. You might make
Speaker 2: a list of good questions you want to ask and
Speaker 2: keep them in your pockets that when you're sitting on
Speaker 2: a plane next to somebody, you can think, well, what
Speaker 2: are those questions I wanted to ask? And you get
Speaker 2: you'll involve them. Be interested, not trying to be interesting. Okay,
Speaker 2: let me give you a fourth one I said, Okay,
Speaker 2: be cheerful, be comfortable, conversational. Number four, be considerate. That's
Speaker 2: what good friends are. They're considered. What does that mean?
Speaker 2: Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen well,
Speaker 2: and everybody in the world is waiting to be listened to.
Speaker 2: And if you are a good listener, you're never going
Speaker 2: to lack for friends. If you're willing to just get
Speaker 2: out there and listen to people, you will never lack
Speaker 2: for friends. Why because listening is loving. When I listen
Speaker 2: to you, I'm giving you the most important thing in
Speaker 2: my life, my time and my attention. I can always
Speaker 2: get more money, but I can't get more time. I've
Speaker 2: only got a certain amount of time in my life,
Speaker 2: and I've only got a certain amount of attention. When
Speaker 2: I give you my time and attention. I'm never getting
Speaker 2: that back. That's why right now you're giving me your
Speaker 2: time and attention. That's why I will work so hard
Speaker 2: on these messages. I'm always thinking, I don't want to
Speaker 2: waste people's time, because time is your life. Wasting time
Speaker 2: is suicide. It's killing your life. You're not going to
Speaker 2: get any more time. When I give people my attention,
Speaker 2: I'm given the most powerful thing I've got. People say,
Speaker 2: you know, husbands say, I don't understand my wife and kids.
Speaker 3: I give them everything they want. I buy them everything.
Speaker 3: What do they want?
Speaker 2: They want you? They want your attention. Did you know
Speaker 2: that the average dad later study spends seven seconds a
Speaker 2: day with his kids. That's not attention. That's why they're
Speaker 2: paying more attention to the screens.
Speaker 3: Seven seconds a day.
Speaker 2: So you pay attention, You listen, you empathize, you pay attention. James,
Speaker 2: Chapter one, verse nineteen. Let everyone be quick to listen
Speaker 2: and slow to speak. Now, typically we do the opposite
Speaker 2: of that. We're quick to speak and we're slow to listen.
Speaker 2: When you're in a friendship, you don't try to compete
Speaker 2: with your friend one upping them well their story will
Speaker 2: your story is better and their trail your tale is better.
Speaker 3: And they did this well, you did this better.
Speaker 2: That's not friendship, that's competition. But if you become a
Speaker 2: good listener, you're gonna have plenty of friends. Romans twelve,
Speaker 2: verse five fifteen. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep
Speaker 2: with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what
Speaker 2: empathy is? Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy Sympathy says I'm
Speaker 2: sorry you hurt. That's sympathy. I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy
Speaker 2: says I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is
Speaker 2: I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy is I hurt with you.
Speaker 2: Now there's a third level beyond that, and that's to
Speaker 2: be like Jesus, and that's compassion. Compassion is I will
Speaker 2: do anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly
Speaker 2: we find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will
Speaker 2: do whatever it takes to stop your hurt, even it
Speaker 2: means going to the cross for you, I will die.
Speaker 2: That's how important you are to me. But what I'm
Speaker 2: saying here is if you're going to be a friend,
Speaker 2: you're gonna have to learn how to share some emotion.
Speaker 2: You gotta be happy when they're happy. You got to
Speaker 2: be sad when they're sad. You got to enter into
Speaker 2: their emotion. You gotta be empathetic, got to share their feelings. Now,
Speaker 2: Kurt's gonna come back just second, but I want to say,
Speaker 2: suppose here and say something to those of your parents
Speaker 2: who still have kids at home. All these relational skills
Speaker 2: that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend, they need
Speaker 2: to be taught at home. They're certainly not gonna be
Speaker 2: taught in a classroom at school. They need to be
Speaker 2: taught at home, and they need to be modeled, and
Speaker 2: they need to be practiced where it's called the family dinner.
Speaker 2: I know it's going the way of the Dodo bird.
Speaker 2: Families don't eat dinner together anymore. And that's why kids
Speaker 2: are lonely, because they haven't learned the skills of how
Speaker 2: to take your turn listening. They haven't learned the skills
Speaker 2: of how to ask questions. They haven't learned the skills
Speaker 2: of how to talk as an intelligent person with an adult,
Speaker 2: much less another kid. And I want to make a
Speaker 2: plea that if you're not having family dinners, to reinstitute
Speaker 2: them they're the best way to teach relational skills, all right,
Speaker 2: Just best way to teach you to sit around, eat
Speaker 2: dinner together and talk and you take turns listening, you
Speaker 2: take turns talking. And it has to be modeled, it
Speaker 2: has to be practiced. If you want kids parents, they
Speaker 2: have great, great friends. You want your kids to have
Speaker 2: great friends, you got to do three things. First, You've
Speaker 2: got to model attention and listening skills. Like I said,
Speaker 2: eat dinner together. You've got to spend some time interacting
Speaker 2: in conversation, not seven seconds a day. And you've got
Speaker 2: to be willing. This is tough one to transport your
Speaker 2: kids to their friends. Now, if you're not willing to
Speaker 2: take take your kids to their friend's house, or not
Speaker 2: willing to bring the kids to your house, don't complain
Speaker 2: when they're talking to each other on a screen if
Speaker 2: that's the only way they can get together, because you're
Speaker 2: not willing to let them have face to face connections.
Speaker 2: So it means a sacrifice. I had to sacrifice some
Speaker 2: of my kids, some of my time to let my
Speaker 2: kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being a dad.
Speaker 2: It's called being a father. Now, if I'm always looking
Speaker 2: at a screen phone as an adult, and my kids
Speaker 2: see me doing that, well, I can't complain that they're
Speaker 2: always looking at it, whether it's a video game or
Speaker 2: something else. Don't blame them for not having friends. If
Speaker 2: I don't help them make contact with anybody, they can't
Speaker 2: drive themselves. So there is a parental role here. Now,
Speaker 2: Pastor Kurt is going to come welcome him.
Speaker 4: Pastor Rick likes to kind of use a different analogy.
Speaker 4: He talks about people are like clams and every now
Speaker 4: and then the clam opens and it's only opened for
Speaker 4: a little while, and then it closes again. And the skill,
Speaker 4: the art of being a parent, really the skill of
Speaker 4: being a good friend. Having healthy conversation is recognizing when's
Speaker 4: the window open, When is the clamshell open, instead of
Speaker 4: trying to force things in, when when it's not a
Speaker 4: natural fit. Real quickly, let's add a few more keys
Speaker 4: to building healthy friendships. The fifth one is to be consistent.
Speaker 4: To be consistent, Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking
Speaker 4: with them in tough time. Stick with them in tough times.
Speaker 4: If you're known for being consistent, you will be known
Speaker 4: for being a good friend. Proverbs eighteen twenty four says
Speaker 4: there are friends who pretend to be friends, but there
Speaker 4: is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Talking
Speaker 4: about consistency, Job six 'in fourteen says, a despairing man
Speaker 4: should have the devotion of his friends, even though he
Speaker 4: forsakes the fear of the almighty.
Speaker 3: Now, if you're.
Speaker 4: Unfamiliar with Job, Job is a gentleman who had it all,
Speaker 4: and when he had it all, he had lots of friends.
Speaker 4: And then the wheels began to fall off the cart
Speaker 4: and he lost it all. And Job quickly realized that
Speaker 4: as he was losing it all, his friends were abandoning him.
Speaker 4: There was not a I am with you in this moment.
Speaker 4: There wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's
Speaker 4: an entire book of the Bible dedicated and you will
Speaker 4: learn a ton about healthy friendships if you look at
Speaker 4: the life of Job. A six key to building healthy
Speaker 4: friendships is to be confidential. To be confidential, don't gossip
Speaker 4: about them. Pastor Rick already hit on this. So here's
Speaker 4: my pro tip, just a quick, short, little pro tip,
Speaker 4: is this, Your gossip will find you out. Your gossip
Speaker 4: will find you out. If you think your gossiping and secret,
Speaker 4: you will be become known for being a gossip Your
Speaker 4: friends will figure it out, and that will hinder your
Speaker 4: friendships together. These verses speak to that Proverbs eleven thirteen,
Speaker 4: A true friend will keep a secret. And obviously, just
Speaker 4: as a side note, there are times where a true
Speaker 4: friend can't keep a secret, right, we know that, But
Speaker 4: we're talking about those those healthy confidences. When people are
Speaker 4: opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle. That's the
Speaker 4: kind of stuff you hold confident. You want to be
Speaker 4: a safe sounding board. When somebody share secrets that are
Speaker 4: dangerous or harmful or hurtful, that's a time where the
Speaker 4: best thing you can do is to break that confidence
Speaker 4: and not to hold that secret. Proverbs eleven thirteen says this,
Speaker 4: no one who gossips can be trusted. Your gossip will
Speaker 4: find you out, but you can put your confidence in
Speaker 4: someone who is trustworthy. A seventh key to building healthy
Speaker 4: friendships is to be candid. Always tell the truth. Always
Speaker 4: tell the truth. Now here's the thing that is not
Speaker 4: an excuse to be a Some of the most hurtful
Speaker 4: words a friend has ever said to another friend is
Speaker 4: I was just being honest. Why are you so upset?
Speaker 4: I was just telling you the truth. It's not an
Speaker 4: excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the
Speaker 4: Bible that says the wounds of a friend bring healing.
Speaker 4: So there will be times in a healthy friendship where
Speaker 4: you have to be truthful and that truth might steing
Speaker 4: a little bit, But when you're saying it in love,
Speaker 4: when you're saying the truth in a way that when
Speaker 4: the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a
Speaker 4: source of hope, support, encouragement, you're filling their heart. The truth,
Speaker 4: even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and strengthen a friendship.
Speaker 4: Proverbs twenty four to twenty six. An honest answer is
Speaker 4: a sign of true friendship, and then eight, and we
Speaker 4: could summarize the entire message on how to be a
Speaker 4: healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this,
Speaker 4: be christ Like. Be christ Like. And one of the
Speaker 4: best ways for us to try to be christ Like
Speaker 4: is to love them unconditionally. To love people unconditionally in
Speaker 4: a world that begs for us to achieve and to
Speaker 4: try to earn approval and to prove our worth. When
Speaker 4: people know that you're somebody who just loves them for
Speaker 4: who they are. They will be drawn to you and
Speaker 4: you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships.
Speaker 4: Romans fifteen seven says, accept each other just as Christ
Speaker 4: accepted you. All the research shows, all the research shows
Speaker 4: that the anecdote to loneliness, the primary anecdote to loneliness,
Speaker 4: is healthy friendships. Over and over and over and over again.
Speaker 4: The anecdote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key
Speaker 4: to healthy friendships is to look at the model, and
Speaker 4: Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means
Speaker 4: to be a good friend. And when you can begin
Speaker 4: to love people like Jesus love people, what you will
Speaker 4: begin to do is to become a person who fills
Speaker 4: the hearts of others.
Speaker 3: That's great. So where's the best place to learn the
Speaker 3: skills of learning to be a friend? Small groups?
Speaker 2: You need this to learn the skills of friendship. That's
Speaker 2: bower Heads. As we close, let me just ask you
Speaker 2: a couple of questions. Are your friends helping or hindering
Speaker 2: your spiritual growth?
Speaker 3: You know, dating the wrong.
Speaker 2: Person can cause you to miss God's purpose. Are you
Speaker 2: a great friend to others? Which of these eight building
Speaker 2: blocks that we just went there. Do you need to
Speaker 2: work on yourself? Which of your friends do you need
Speaker 2: to invite to church? I want to close with one
Speaker 2: last verse and it's John fifteen fifteen, where Jesus says,
Speaker 2: I have called you my friends.
Speaker 3: Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him?
Speaker 2: If you have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you
Speaker 2: into my life today. I want to be a friend
Speaker 2: of God. I want to be a friend of Jesus,
Speaker 2: and I want to know your purpose for my life.
Speaker 2: If other help us to be a church, it's not
Speaker 2: just known as a friendly church, but a church.
Speaker 3: It's full of friends.
Speaker 2: That we're friends to everyone, that we love everyone, but
Speaker 2: that our closest friends are those that strive to make
Speaker 2: us grow, to bring out the best in us. May
Speaker 2: we be best friends by bringing out the best in others,
Speaker 2: and may we choose best friends who bring out the
Speaker 2: best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.
Speaker 1: Hey, if you've just prayed along with Rick to accept
Speaker 1: Jesus in your life, Rick would love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: Just email Rick at Pastorick dot com. And now here's
Speaker 1: Rick to tell you about today's offer.
Speaker 2: You know, ever since the publication of The Purpose Driven Life,
Speaker 2: people have been asking me how they can teach their
Speaker 2: young children about the purpose of life. And they say,
Speaker 2: and I agree, that it's never too early to start
Speaker 2: teaching your children that they're loved by God and he
Speaker 2: has a purpose for the life. It's never too soon
Speaker 2: to tell a child. God made you unique so you
Speaker 2: could fulfill your special life mission on earth, and God
Speaker 2: planned you just for that. Now here's the super good news.
Speaker 2: We have taken the principles that are taught in The
Speaker 2: Purpose Driven Life and we've written them into short devotionals
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Speaker 2: more than ever, kids at this age need to hear
Speaker 2: the message that they're not an accident. They need to
Speaker 2: hear even before the universe was created, God had you
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Speaker 2: were made to last forever. Now this book is called
Speaker 2: The Purpose Driven Life one hundred Illustrated Devotions for Children,
Speaker 2: and it includes engaging illustrations and devotionals that speak directly
Speaker 2: to the daily challenges that all of our kids are facing.
Speaker 2: And as a way of saying thanks to you for
Speaker 2: your financial gift to Daily Hope, I want to send
Speaker 2: you a copy of the Purpose Driven Life one hundred
Speaker 2: Illustrated Devotions for Children. This will be a great thing
Speaker 2: to give kids or to grandkids, and at the same time,
Speaker 2: your support continues to help us tell people all around
Speaker 2: the world about God's love and God's purpose for them.
Speaker 1: Be sure to request your copy of the Purpose Driven
Speaker 1: Life one hundred Illustrated Devotions for Children when you give
Speaker 1: a gift to Daily Hope. Just go to Pastorick dot
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Speaker 1: Pastorick dot com. Or you can text the word hope
Speaker 1: to seven oh three oh nine. Again, that's the word
Speaker 1: Hope to seven oh three oh nine. And we thank
Speaker 1: you so much for your support. It helps us share
Speaker 1: the hope of Christ with people all around the world.
Speaker 1: Be sure to join us next time as we look
Speaker 1: into God's Word for our daily hope. This program is
Speaker 1: sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.