Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, come on, this is
not because you'se no more with your host doctor and evangelist,
Hey home rich, help you to a bit what you
feel in order to feel from the effects of thoughts
and mist.
Speaker 2: Because your feelings due.
Speaker 3: Man, how y'all doing out there today on this cold
Monday more?
Speaker 1: This is January the twenty six of twenty twenty six,
with your host on narth abuse now more.
Speaker 2: I am doctor kol Ridge. Oh it is a cold,
cold morning.
Speaker 1: Now, there was a lot of there were a lot
of what you call it storm warnings over the weekend
and everything to let you know that, hey, it might
be some eyes and wintry mix and some states I
know have some snow and everything. But I pray that
you all or warm out there. I prayed at your safe.
I pray that you have been stress free, narcissistic free,
abuse free last week and that this week will continue.
But if not, we're going to be talking about some
things today. Okay, just like let me just say this,
Just like the meteorlogists, we're sending out warnings that of
things that you need to avoid or do because a
storm was on the horizon. Then you also need to
be warned about the storms that the narcissists bring into
your life.
Speaker 2: All right, so we're gonna be talking about that today.
Speaker 1: And actually today we're talking about mistakes to avoid when
you go low or no contact with a narcissist. Mistakes
to avoid when you go low or no contact with
a narcissist. But before we go on with today's topic,
I want to invite you to visit us on our
website at www dot Narcabuse, No More dot net.
Speaker 2: This www dot nark Abuse.
Speaker 1: No More dot net and on our website you'll find
valuable information regarding narcissism.
Speaker 2: Now, I want to also let.
Speaker 1: You know that we're on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
at ten a m.
Speaker 2: Eastern Standard time, non am.
Speaker 1: Central, and that is on Spotify, our Heart Radio, Apple
Podcasts Spreaker. You have a variety of different platforms, whichever
is your choice to listen to us from, or you
can go directly to the website as well. All right,
whether we talking about again, we're talking about going no
contact and low contact with a narcissism, mistakes people make
when going low or no contact and how to avoid
those mistakes. Now you may wonder, okay, what exactly is
going low contact or no contact?
Speaker 2: So basically, when.
Speaker 1: You have been in an abusive situation with a narcissist,
rather it's physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual, sexual, whatever type of
abuse you have gone through with this person, and you
might decide, you know, what is time for me to
sever tisee or it's time for me to make sure
I reduce the amount of interaction with this person in
order to maintain your piece or at least get as
much piece as you can.
Speaker 2: Then that's what's called low contact.
Speaker 1: So basically you're either reducing or limiting your interaction.
Speaker 2: With them in person, or you.
Speaker 1: Stop accepting gifts or invitations from them. You may not
call them as much, or or you might even block
the calls all together, calls and text messages. You unfollow
them on social media, and also don't follow them on
social media. It's one thing to unfollow them or block
them on social media, but you're also not if you're
going no contact, you also not trying to read what's
on their page as well. So these are different things
that you do when you're going low or no contact.
You basically turning them off emotionally, physically and spiritually excuse me.
And so I want to just today we're taking this
from toxicties dot com toxicties dot com and learning how
to break those toxic ties to individuals.
Speaker 2: When you're going low to no.
Speaker 1: Contact, that means that you're not constantly remembering or reminiscing
over the good old days. Okay, you're gonna leave those
good old days back, because when it's come to this
point where you're having to decide about going low and
no contact, that means that the bad is outweighing the good.
And let me just say this, even let me just
say this, even if, even if, even if you had
a lot of good days with this person, that one
day that you go through emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, whatever
type of abuse you've gone through, can override all of
the good days. And what do I mean by that?
You might have, for example, been in this relationship with
someone and then one day they have a bad day
and they decide to beat you to a pope.
Speaker 2: Regardless of all the good days that you.
Speaker 1: All have had, that one time of physical violence is
enough to say no more. But you have to be
the one to determine and make that decision to say,
you know what, you did this once, but I'm not
going to allow you to be to do it again.
That's something that you're gonna have to decide. And so
when you're going no contact or low contact, you also
want to try to If this is your plan to
go low contact or no contact, that means that you
might have to distance yourself from even some of the
people that you all used to hang around together, because
talking to the friends about the narcissists is not gonna
mean that they're gonna be on your side. Because many
of them are what we call flying monkeys. That means
that they do the evil bidding of the narcissists, even
sometimes if they don't know that they are, and some
do actually know that they are, so you don't want
to try to keep updated with what the narcissist is doing.
If you decide that, hey, I'm gonna go low contact
or no contact, then part of that means that you're
having to even sometimes choose new people to be around
so that you won't be constantly placing yourself in the
proximity of the narcissism, even if it's not physically emotionally
you're being there. Another thing is don't. You don't want
to make excuses for the narcissist behavior where you're trauma
bonding with that particular person also known a stop having
Stockholm syndrome, just because that person may have gone through
a lot of things. Because sometimes you may tend to
make excuses, Oh, well, they've had a hard life, they've
had rough times, they whatever the case may be. We
often have possibly finding excuse for the way that the
narcissist behaves. However, that does not give them the license
to abuse you. Therefore, don't make excuses for the narcissists
because we all have choices. We all make choices, and
they choose to abuse you, regardless of what type of
abuse it is.
Speaker 2: They choose to abuse you.
Speaker 1: Another thing, when you're dealing with the narcissists, you don't
want to keep receiving gifts or other things from the narcissists. Uh,
The narcissist loves to love bomb. They're victims, especially if
they think they're in the risk category of losing them,
so they would buy gifts, they would be extra nized,
they would do all these what we would normally call
loving things.
Speaker 2: But then love bomb.
Speaker 1: Remember the second half of that compound word is bomb.
That means it's gonna explode.
Speaker 2: They will do.
Speaker 1: These things to get you all sucked in and then
eventually you're gonna get the explosion, all right.
Speaker 2: Another thing is when you're trying to.
Speaker 1: Get over the narcissists, you don't want to keep replaying,
replaying conversations that you all have had. You would keep
going over and over and over, and this, you know,
can sometimes it be a little hard to do. But
every day that you take one step is a is
a day that you're getting closer to that emotional breakthrough
in your head. And you don't want to keep having
these mental conversations, these uh, reliving the the moments of
the narcissists, because it would keep Actually, let me let
me use this example.
Speaker 2: If you've ever received.
Speaker 1: A cut, if you ever cut, have accidentally cut yourself, Okay,
you can be unscraped your knee or whatever.
Speaker 2: Well, if you keep rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing.
Speaker 1: It, guess what you're gonna You're gonna cause it to
not be able to heal properly.
Speaker 2: All right. You might even call us some infection. It's
the same.
Speaker 1: Thing when you're dealing with reliving the past with the narcissists,
or replaying conversations with the narcissists.
Speaker 2: You're you're you've.
Speaker 1: Already been wounded, but you keep your What you're doing
with that is you keep rubbing it and rubbing it
and rubbing it, and you that wound would never be
able to heal properly if you keep replaying these events
in your mind. Another thing, when you get ready to
go low on no contact with the narcissists, don't plot revenge.
I've often seen on social media platforms all want to
get revenge on the narcissists. How do I get revenge
on the narcissists? You get revenged by not giving a
care about getting revenge. That's what you do. What do
I mean by that? That I mean you live your life.
Don't try to seek to hurt the narcissists. You live
your life because that's really basically what they can't stay
in anyways, when you go and you live your life,
that irks them more than anything.
Speaker 2: So don't even worry about it. Just do you.
Speaker 1: Any type of fixation on the narcissists can keep you
from being able to properly go low or no contact. Now,
let me when it comes to low contact, sometimes you
are not able to completely cut the court with the narcissists, because,
for example, if you have children with this person, then
at some point you might you all might have to
interact if it's about dropping even dropping the children off
to a court appointed mediator or something. But the thing
is is that you when you're going low contact, that
means that I'm limiting my time, my interactions with this
particular person as much as humanly possible.
Speaker 2: That means I'm only called.
Speaker 1: If I call, it's only about the children, or if
I interact, it's only regarding the children. But even with that,
you have to be very careful with that because narcissists
will use for example, they will use children to try
to draw you in. So you have to be wise
and smart as to the tactics that narcissists will use
to draw you in. When you're going no contact, that
means that I'm not talking about them, I'm not talking
to them, I'm not dealing with them. I've totally cut ties.
I've gone on them with my life. I know some
people have even had to move thousands of miles so
they can break free from that narcissistic hole. But the
whole first you have to break free is in your mind. Now,
these are some things that you don't want to do
when going no contact with the narcissists. Don't underestimate them.
Number one, don't underestimate them. They will do any and
everything to get you back as part of their supply.
That means they gonna uh plead on your empathy, they
gonna pull on your heartstrings, They're gonna manipulate you, especially
when you're dealing with a spiritual narcissist. They will throw
even a Bible with you in quote scripture to try
to get you back into their toxicity. But the thing
is is that you do not need to fall for
know what they're gonna do before they do it, such
as you know, reading, talking to a therapist, listen to
programs like this, and so that you can familiarize yourself
with what they will do before they do it, and
you'll already be aware of it so that you'll know
when it's happening how not to fall forward.
Speaker 2: Number two.
Speaker 1: Another mistake that people make when going no contact is
they break the no contact to reinforce it.
Speaker 2: You don't have to.
Speaker 1: Call the person and say, oh, I'm not talking to
you anymore. Just don't do it. Just don't just don't call.
Speaker 2: You don't have to respond to them. You don't have
to say, oh it's over and please don't send me. No.
What you do is you just cut the ties.
Speaker 1: You don't have to break the no contact to let
them know that you're going no contact. Trust me, when
you stop calling, when you stop responding, when you stop
being available, they'll know exactly what that means. Number three,
one other mistake that people make when going no contact
is needing closure. Let me just say this, when you're
dealing with an abuser, you really would never get the
kind of closure that you want. Oftentimes, people when they
talk of closure, they want the person to admit that
they did wrong. They want to hear that person say
I was wrong, I was I'm sorry. They want them
to acknowledge what they did to you. And when you're
dealing with the narcissist, a narcissist truly don't acknowledge anything.
A narcissist is truly not sorry about anything. A narcissist
does not even see the error of their ways. They
do not want to see their error of their ways.
So therefore, when you're thinking that I'm gonna get this
closure that I've been looking for. Well, why did you
cheat on me? And why did you hit me? And
why did you say this to me? And why did
you You're not gonna get normally the answers that you
want from this person, and if anything, is gonna leave
you with more questions than answers. So you have to
it's best when you go on low contact no contact
to resolve that within yourself. You know what, I'm not
gonna get what I want from the person with closure,
so they're therefore I have to be my own sense
of closure. Number four, This mistake people make when going
no contact is they fall for the lives of the
flying monkeys. Now, these sometimes flying monkeys and also known
as enablers. Sometimes these enablers think they're doing the right thing.
They're trying to get you all back together and get
you know, high peace, and and they try to suck
you in and and oh they're not really that bad.
Oh well, can't you work it out? Oh well, you know,
they're they're really having a hard time, and they try
to really suck.
Speaker 2: On your empathy. But this is this is what the
problem is with that.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the flying monkeys don't see that, the flying monkeys,
and so therefore they don't really know the true character
of the narcissists they because we've often talked about that
narcissists were camouflage. Okay, they were a facade. They wore
a mask most people, and when you're dealing with a
covert narcissist, a lot of people don't actually see them
as being narcissists because they don't show that to the world.
The world is seeing, as I mentioned before, doctor Juko,
when behind closed doors, that narcissists is mister High. If
you remember the story of doctor Juko, mister High, where
doctor Juko was this doctor, he was loved by the community.
He was an upstanding citizen, citizen, he was known to
be caring.
Speaker 2: This lovable, likable person.
Speaker 1: But then when he started drinking at juice at night,
he became doctor High, I mean mister High, mister Hide.
And then mister Hyde was going killing people at night.
So by day, doctor Jugo, at night the murderers, unempathetic.
Speaker 2: Crewe mister Hyde.
Speaker 1: And this is how narcissists operate. So their flying monkeys
sometimes don't even see that the person is who this
person is and in other times they do. They know
quite well who the person is. This can be friends,
this can be family members. They will try to talk
you out of going no contact, and especially when you're
dealing with spiritual flying monkeys, spiritual enablers, they will try
to guilt you into being in relationship with that person, saying, oh,
well you need to forgive, Oh you need to reconcile,
Oh you need And the thing is, and we talked.
Speaker 2: About this on the last program.
Speaker 1: Forgiveness does not mean that you give somebody re entry
or or allow them to gain regain access to harm
or hurt you.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 1: You can forgive someone without allowing them re entry or
or gain and reaccess to regain access to your life.
That means that when because when you're dealing with narcissistic individuals,
they when a person doesn't truly see that they've done
wrong to you, when true, and a person doesn't care
that they've done wrong to you, When a person doesn't
care about your feelings, when it's all about them, Guess what,
when you put yourself back into that toxic situation, they're
gonna do it over and over and over again. And
this is how you often have a cycle of a
b because by reentering that toxic situation, when there's been
no repentance, there's been no acknowledgment, true genuine knowledgement of
their wrong or true intentions for them to turn from.
Speaker 2: Their evil ways. Then they're gonna do it.
Speaker 1: You can guarantee they're gonna do it again and again
and again, and then you're gonna remain on this cycle
of abuse, this roller coaster of abuse, until you decide
to jump off. We're gonna take a quick break and
we'll be back in just a moment.
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Speaker 2: That didn't last long.
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if it's ninety, Lord.
Speaker 2: I don't want one. I watched Season's.
Speaker 4: Change learning and stand still, learn silence can shop the faith,
and with him, every delay was shaping mind you. So
I recognized, Lord, and I fatky. I stopped fussing dark,
start begging signs, started trusting you a hard time. I
was chosen without reship, love, without sending it.
Speaker 2: God lone the heart, no passion.
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Speaker 4: She returned ship. She came already for shoot. See here
hos one guy, no games, no fee, no need to approve,
just graz silay, will choose to move most patient than
this is Pruvis.
Speaker 2: You heard a story with castle truths hospitus.
Speaker 4: Now rest my lonely nest, not feel bad, built aphae
and played at sea adviscy.
Speaker 5: I was so said about say notting perfectly side line,
no personal opression, no men be pray you heard to result, Jesus,
are you didn't send a bar.
Speaker 4: To the ad.
Speaker 3: Stage.
Speaker 4: I was chosen without lesson and I read again, didn't
issue the issue, hadn't me issue, had amision?
Speaker 2: I didn't missus in mession.
Speaker 4: I was then prepared for you. I didn't missussion. I
didn't Missuemson. I didn't miss you. I did mission.
Speaker 1: And that is chosen without Russians, chosen without Russian.
Speaker 2: And these are Christian love songs.
Speaker 1: I have been looking on YouTube, and I don't know
the individual artists of these songs, but these have been
some beautiful songs. If you notice these last since we've
started back this year on this podcast. I've been playing
a lot of these uh Christian love songs and they
are absolutely wonderful and you can listen to them on YouTube.
All right, so we're talking about mistakes people make when
they go lower no contact with a narcissist. Number five,
you have to be very careful when you are spying.
Speaker 2: On them on social media. When you're wanting to go
lower no contact.
Speaker 1: That means that you do not want to be trying
to see what they're doing or what they're saying on
their social media page, because the narcissists will put things
on social media just so that you can see it,
and you.
Speaker 2: Don't want to play into that game they're expecting you
to look and see or whatever.
Speaker 1: Say, for instance, you and a narcissist, we're dating, y'all
break up. Well, guess what the narciss is gonna do.
They're gonna find someone that they can take pictures with,
put all over social media, whatever, expecting you to go
on their page and see. One of the things that
if you are really serious about going low on a contact,
you may want to follow block make sure that that
person doesn't have access to your page, and vice versa.
So this is something that you want to take into
consideration because narcissists they love to fly their new love
interests with the intent to try to make you jealous,
and you do not want to play into that.
Speaker 2: If they were so great, then you would still be
with them.
Speaker 1: And this is for any It could be a friendship,
it could be anything, whatever abusive situation you found yourself in,
just make sure that you do what you need to
do to heal from that relationship.
Speaker 2: Number six.
Speaker 1: Another mistake that people make when going low or no
contact is thinking that that person has changed, thinking that
they have changed. And I'm not saying that people can
change people can you know, if they allow Jesus to
come into their heart, if they go to therapy, there
can be changes. But when you're dealing with narcissists, narcissists
will at this if they have changed they've learned from
their mistakes, when the actuality they haven't. And that's just
another way for them to get you back on the
hook in order to pull you back in so that
you can get more of their abuse. Do not be
food by them saying, oh, I've changed, or I've learned
from my mistakes.
Speaker 2: Oh I'll never do it again.
Speaker 1: You better use caution, use wisdom, You better pray, you
better know what you're getting into, because narcissists normally don't
change their stripes. So be very very careful when you're
dealing with the narcissists.
Speaker 2: Number seven.
Speaker 1: We talked about this earlier, about being overly analyzing or
re constant replaying you and events and conversations that you've
had with the narcissists. Do not run a movie marathon
in your head with regards to you and pastimes with
the narcissists. It can become obsessive, and then you're still,
even though you may not even be around this person anymore,
you're still tangled to them, tied to them because you're
playing this movie marathon in your head about the past conversations,
things that took place. You have to let go.
Speaker 2: Let go. Number eight. When you are going low or
no contact, you need a good support system.
Speaker 1: You need a good support system, someone that will be
honest with you, someone that's not gonna try to entice
you to get back involved in that toxic relationship. Someone
that's gonna be a good support system to hold you
account of well, to say no, you know.
Speaker 2: Don't fall for this anymore.
Speaker 1: No, you've been you know you've been hurt already. Someone
that's gonna be there not to push you into a relationship.
Of course, you have to make the final determination. You
have to be the warden of your own prison if
you decide to put yourself back into that situation. But
the thing is is that you need a good support system,
because when you have a good support system, it can
help you to not fall back into old habits. We're
gonna take another quick break and we'll be back.
Speaker 2: In just a moment.
Speaker 3: When up get you loved.
Speaker 4: And I can hear him up.
Speaker 2: You're the calm that quiets.
Speaker 4: The dark, every prayer, whisper.
Speaker 2: Alone and place.
Speaker 4: You should have never never been saved. You love me
like grace on rain. Any day you owe me calls
in the field, phase way, my safe faith, magetor son
in my face, straw in your cau's face, your mad piece,
your mercive place.
Speaker 2: When life feels heavy.
Speaker 6: And dreams fun, you remind me these gods ared.
Speaker 4: Evy scar head, you choose with face everywhere you right there.
Speaker 6: We don't have a perfect boy've god is playing two
broken souls, hell tied his hand.
Speaker 2: Indeed a was.
Speaker 6: Stars time already will still be present through the rain
for the saved race, my sholder rain, I see heavy wine.
Speaker 1: Face my safe.
Speaker 2: And that is you're my safe place, all right. So
we're still talking about.
Speaker 1: Things to not do, mistakes not to make when you
are going lower no contact number nine, falling for or
should I say, empathizing with the narcissists and and and
let me clarify what do we mean by this? This
This means that this doesn't mean that you're heartless or
your cold. It means that the narcissist plays on your empathy.
So you have to be careful with empathizing with the
narcissists to not make you go back into that toxic situation.
How do you empathize with them where you succumb to
their love bombing, their gifts, their attention, all these things,
Okay when it comes to them doing acts of kindness,
and at the end, it's a bomb at the end.
Speaker 2: So succumbing to love bombing.
Speaker 1: Also being their source of narcissistic supply, that means you're
basically either being either being their punching bag or you're
giving them what they want to constantly be able to control, manipulate,
devalue devalue, take away that supply, and by doing that,
you were taking yourself out of that situation.
Speaker 2: Overlooking red flags. There's a narcissists.
Speaker 1: They have a lot of red flags that you can
see when you're dealing with them, even to know when
things are about to escalate. You can't fix the narcissists.
So sometimes people instead of them leaving, they try to
fix the narcissists. You can't fix them. You cannot fix them.
They have to seek help for themselves. But first they
have to recognize that they need help, and many of
them don't. Another thing for is the empathy, is you're
accepting their emotional abuse or whatever type of abuse it is.
No you have to be the one to determine, you
know what enough is enough and I will no longer
take abuse or disrespect from this individual. Also, do not
allow them to guilt you, because narcissists love to manipulate
you with guilt. They also love to make you feel
like you owe them something. You don't owe them anything.
You do not have to be manipulated by them. Do
not allow them to play the guilt card on you.
That is something that they put in their in their arsenal.
They will play hurt, they will play wounded. They want
you to feel bad for them. They want they they're
trying to do the best that they can to keep
you from going low or no contact with them, and
you have to be prepared for that and say, you
know what, I'm already three steps ahead of how they
play the game, and I will not fall into the
pit of their traps. Last, but not least, defending yourself.
Defending yourself. Narcissists love to back you into a corner.
Don't make the mistake of trying to defend yourself to
get out of that corner. If you don't want to
pick up the phone or accept any texts or or
falling for their woes.
Speaker 2: Again, don't do it. Don't do it. This is when
you also see them.
Speaker 1: When you decide to go low on no contact, they'll
try to run a smear campaign.
Speaker 2: They'll try to.
Speaker 1: Get others to say to see, oh, well they're doing
me wrong, and they're doing this to me, and they're
doing that to me, and they'll run this smear campaign.
Speaker 2: But they don't tell.
Speaker 1: People what they did in order to make you or
cause you to want to go low or no contact.
Speaker 2: And so therefore the narcissist trying to discredit you.
Speaker 1: Anything that you say that, hey, you know what, I
had to pull myself out, they will try to discredit you.
It's another form of emotional abuse to try to make
you be the villain when they're the ones that actually
did things to you. When you're trying to defend yourself,
you're still engaging with the narcissists.
Speaker 2: Don't do it.
Speaker 1: If you think you're gonna go round and around with
the narcissists and win that you just don't. It's not
gonna work. And at the end of the day, you're
the one that needs your peace. You're the one that
needs to understand that, hey, I can go no contact
or low contact because it brings me peace, and therefore
you don't have to feel guilty about it. Some people
you just can't get along with some people, it's just
not going to work, and you don't have to feel
guilty that, Hey, you know what, I gotta stay in
this emotionally abusive relationship just because others want me to.
Speaker 2: Do what's going to bring you peace.
Speaker 1: As long as you've have forgiven them in your heart,
you don't have to continue to take that of you
from them. Forgiveness is for you, okay. Forgiveness is for
you to have your peace and to be right with God.
And they have to do so on their own terms.
All right, We all bother here. I pray to today's
podcast has been a blessing to you, and that you
would know that guess what your feelings do matter. This
is doctor ko Rich until next time.