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Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell. I am Chris, and my eternal

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punishment in the afterlife is to do a podcast with

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my co host and best friend Clayton Me. How are

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you doing, Chris, I'm doing good. Episode two, Episode two.

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We're going strong, Number two, number dose. That's right.

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Speaker 2: I walked in, I said number two, and then I

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shut on the.

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Speaker 1: Carpet and then and then here we are. We're doing

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episode two. Yeah. So the first episode went out last

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week and wow, it's it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, reviews are in. Everybody loves it. It is the

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number one podcast in all of Hell.

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Speaker 1: Do you believe that I can because it's you made

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everyone listen to it? That's correct. Yes, we have.

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Speaker 2: We erected several speakers around Hell. Everybody's required to listen

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to it. They're listening to it live right now as

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we're recording it. Yeah, it's been hell.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean people have been treating me differently,

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not necessarily in a good way, like like I'm being blamed.

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Oh really? Wow?

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Speaker 2: So your local celebri over here? Oh wait, can I

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have your autograph?

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Speaker 1: Chris? Yeah? That's They're not asking for my autograph? No, no, what.

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Speaker 2: Are they asking for? High fives? Hugs, you're a big

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star now, Chris.

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Speaker 1: Blood, blood, a lot of blood, a lot of blood letting, selfies,

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no selfies. Oh no, I had been stabbed with a

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selfie stick. Oh yeah, I haven't heard of that one yet.

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You'll get used to it. It's it's great. Yeah, I

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did make one friend. Who's that well. I was walking

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and then I got stuck in the swamp of sorrow

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and sorrow like the gay Blade, No sorrow, Sorrow. Sorrow

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is the lord of the rings character Swamp of Sorrow.

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You I don't know. I was stuck in a swamp, okay,

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and then I was I was just sitting there for

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a while, and then I looked over and Helen Keller

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was there, and we had We didn't talk much, but

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we did have like a connection because we were both,

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you know, sinking slowly into the swamp for a long time.

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And yeah, I think we had a connection. It must

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have been a great, great conversation. Yeah it was, well,

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I think it was more. Your eyes can tell can

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say a lot. Yeah, yeah, no, totally.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if she knew you were there or not,

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but that's that's a great I'm glad that you're making friends.

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Speaker 1: Chris, you're fitting in. Yeah, yeah, I would say we

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should have her on sometime, but I don't know how

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far that episode's gonna go. Well. Also, why I didn't realize.

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Speaker 3: She was a Hell?

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Speaker 1: What does she do wrong? I don't know. She didn't

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really talk to much interesting.

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Speaker 2: Well, Hey, before we get too far into today's episode,

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I have a couple of updates. First of all, I

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have an announcement. A massive scenk cole has opened up

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on inter Sate six sixty six. All residents of Hell

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are urged to jump in. We got a weather forecast.

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Things are looking colder than usual today. It'll be one

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hundred and forty degrees fahrenheit, so don't forget to grab

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a sweater. In addition to that cold front, we should

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expect some light showers from the polar ice caps melting

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and seeping into the core of the earth.

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Speaker 1: Also, a quick note from the Social crew.

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Speaker 2: We're having a blood mixer, so we're welcoming all infidels

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to come on out. We'll spill their blood and demons

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will bathe in it. Have a blood orgy. Should be

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a great time. Chris, you gotta be there, have a choice, No, Okay, okay,

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I'll see the great Well. I think it's about time

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we bring on our guests. But before we do, we

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need to talk about something. This is the disappointed father

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talking to his son that he beats. We had an

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incident and you tried to escape Hell. How did that

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go for you?

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Speaker 1: Not great? Considering I'm here right.

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Speaker 2: You're back here square one, and I cut off both

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of your legs just to make sure you're not gonna

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go anywhere.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but just the likes. The penis still missing. Penis

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is still just kind of a big lumpy stump. So yeah,

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just from the bottom half down. Nothing. You might get

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some stuff back if you do well, but uh yeah,

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we don't. We don't run away from Hell. No. Why

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is that, Chris, because I lose legs.

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Speaker 2: No, it's because we have a badass security force and

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they're gonna catch you. They're gonna bring you back. It's

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gonna be like Seal Team six six six. They're they're

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on it. They are professionals. So we're gonna bring in

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our first guest. Come on in, Captain Chaos.

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Speaker 3: Gentlemen, gentlemen, Hello, how are you Clayton?

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Speaker 1: How's the family?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: They're great.

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Speaker 2: I mean, my brother still an asshole, but thanks for asking.

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Of course I've done great work with the man, great

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work with the man. Uh you know my time in

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the in the Hell Army. That's how I got the

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name Captain Chaos. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I have since been demoted back to general.

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Speaker 2: Security in the Fourth Ring of Hell, which is where

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we caught this little whipper snapper here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, that's agreed, if I'm not mistaken.

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Speaker 2: You know a lot of people think that there's a

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lot of misunderstanding boogie boarders.

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Speaker 1: They wind up there the entire Fourth Ring. That explains

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why there were so many people.

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Speaker 2: Exactly, you know, like learn to surf and get off

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your stomach. It just makes no sense. I just but

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so they're all swamping around that place. I knew there

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were renovations on the Fourth Ring. I didn't know why,

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but that makes sense. Yeah, there's a lot going on

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right there. Plenty of crime, which we love. Yeah, of course,

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people sneaking around like this. Uh you know, Keller's always

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slinking around. But I think she's just lost. You know,

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we see Chris wandering around. I saw the I saw

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the bar code. I knew it was yours ye stitched

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on his face. Yeah, yeah, it makes it easy. Well,

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we appreciate your service, Captain Chaos. What you did was

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should we talk on first name basis?

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Speaker 3: Doug?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, sure, yeah, Doug Chaos, Yeah, Doug Chaos, Yeah yeah,

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Doug G.

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Speaker 1: Chaos. What was the G forre again? Doug?

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Speaker 3: Doug Doug?

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Speaker 1: Okay, Doug Doug Chaos. Thank you so much for coming by.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, you know, Chris is down here, and

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you know, I thought it was an important topic to

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cover about, you know, our security here in Hell, you know,

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for our new listeners from Earth. Don't even try getting

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down here. I mean, if you die, you're you're down here.

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But like, don't try to break in to break Chris out.

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Are there a lot of people trying to break into Hell.

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It happens. It happens more often than you think. Most

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of them get caught on that first ring.

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Speaker 1: Uh.

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Speaker 2: That that's a real tough one from them. They got

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they got the big dogs up there, literally the dog.

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Speaker 1: Dog.

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Speaker 3: What a little scamp that thing is.

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Speaker 1: I love him to death.

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Speaker 3: You throw a tennis ball and he kills a guy.

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Gotta love him a man. But a lot of people

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try to break in.

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Speaker 2: We had that Dante fiasco a while ago, but that

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got solved eventually. Oil miners big problem. They thrilling through

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by accident, right, you know, and it's it's hell is

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a one way in and one way out. I've been

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I've been asking for the wall. It's not up yet.

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It'll get there, but you know, I'm just thinking like

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broken bottles that don't keep people.

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Speaker 1: Wow, that's what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: Well, no, we're actually I think we're up in the

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ante with the security for the wall. Yeah, the wall, Yeah, Chris,

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I think I told you about some of this.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah. He was telling me that if I even

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made it to the wall, it was just a wall

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of children.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, the screams make like a sound barrier. Yeah,

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it's really it's really hard to get near it.

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Speaker 1: And if you could break through that, then they bite you.

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Yeah yeah, because you can't climb it because they the

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little teeth, yeah, hungry, and the delligators are all around it.

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Speaker 2: Those are like alligators. But now yeah, yeah, so, uh,

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I mean tell me about you know, your time. We

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will get into your military history later because we got

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a lot to cover there. It's been a long career, yeah,

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but in a great service. Again, I'm I'm literally saluting

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you right now as you are left hand we do

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left hand Hell, okay, sorry, thank you my horn. But uh,

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you know, right now you're in the fourth ring.

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Speaker 1: What's it like? Have you gone to the Lust Ring?

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I can't remember which ring that is?

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Speaker 2: Uh, the Lust Ring is? Oh boy, that's that's just

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a good Tuesday night right there. This's you know, I

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mean when people try to break into hell, that's that's

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the hardest part.

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Speaker 3: If they can get through that first rating, you know,

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it isn't uh they you.

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Speaker 2: Know, they try to break in and they just get

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stuck on that second ring. They never come back. Yeah,

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who wants to leave the lust Ring? They got those

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neon lights. Yeah, it's just a good time. The constant

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medium music blasting. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy constantly uh yeah.

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But it's like to the point where, you know, the

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refractory period is milliseconds and they're just they just have

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to keep going.

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Speaker 1: And there they're thirsty.

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Speaker 2: Their lips are chapped from kissing and biting, and it's

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just like dry. There's no lubricant, not not a hint

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of moistures.

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Speaker 1: It's too much of a good thing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, everything there, but parking meters are buttholes. It's like

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it's just the cont you're constantly in it.

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Speaker 1: It's you're surrounded.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, nothing happens without insertion.

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Speaker 2: It's almost like it's almost like Vegas, but even worse.

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Speaker 1: Imagine that. Yeah, wow, well, I mean maybe I'll get

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the chances to try and break into it.

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Speaker 3: Not on my watch. No, you're not getting past that

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fourth layer.

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Speaker 1: That's right. Oh, saluting you so hard?

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Speaker 3: You stay down here?

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Speaker 1: What are your I mean because you caught me? How

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do you typically patrol?

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Speaker 2: We have a few patrols flying around. Our patrols are

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mostly they consist of like eight like creatures with wings.

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Speaker 1: They're flying monkeys.

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Speaker 2: They're like flying monkeys, but we can't call them that

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copyright reasons, right, right, So you know, they fly around.

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They watch out for anything that seems out of the ordinary.

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Someone with a bar code on their head is usually

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a dead giveaway. We look for anybody who, you know,

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like vegans wandering around. We know that they belong, just

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not on that ring. They've just wandered off. So so

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there's no crossover between boogie borders and vegans. There's a

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massive crossover, really, But they kind of get subset into

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their own division. So if they're vegans, they keep going down.

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We just keep the boogie boarders that.

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Speaker 1: He gotcha, so that us only eat meeting boogie boarders.

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And then so that what ring. Yep, so they're in

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like what like a four point five ring?

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Speaker 2: I think they I think they hit six. Yeah, that's

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a tough one. So they've actually like changed up the

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rules of the rings. You know they they used to

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be you know, all this old school stuff things I

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can't even pronounce anymore.

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Speaker 1: Like vergris. I don't know, right, who knows what that is?

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Speaker 3: You know, glue tawny, what is that?

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Speaker 1: Well that that would gluten allergy? Yeah, I guess I

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don't know who knows?

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Speaker 3: Those are?

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Speaker 1: Layer three?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, hersy, I don't know what that is. But anyways,

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we changed up the rules so that the rings are

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different than what you might imagine. You keep with the times.

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We didn't want to stick with like an old constitution.

235
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We flipped it up, you know, we we updated it,

236
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kept it topical.

237
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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Uh, and you gotta change with the times. Hell's Hell's

239
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,600
got to keep modern, That's right, It's very important. In fact, uh,

240
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I heard there was talks that they're gonna open up

241
00:10:54,399 --> 00:10:56,960
the CROCS ring. In fact, oh yeah, the Crocs ring

242
00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,759
is a great one. I mean that's the thing that

243
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,080
took a lot of people buy some when we brought

244
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that past Hell Senate. Uh that you know, we said,

245
00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:09,799
CROCS ring has got to be at least layer three. Yeah,

246
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,879
and uh, you know, we just threw Crocs up there

247
00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:15,960
in the overworld. No one even questioned it. They just

248
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,200
showed up in stores and people started wearing them. They're

249
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,679
they're just Hell tickets. They're just you. But you put

250
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:22,879
them on, you're in Layer three. You're you're coming down

251
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to Hell.

252
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Speaker 1: That's you.

253
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Speaker 2: You put those atrocious things on your feet. They smell

254
00:11:26,879 --> 00:11:29,039
like shit after like five steps.

255
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:33,600
Speaker 1: It's a it's a it's a get straight to jail card, Yes, exactly.

256
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Speaker 3: People just don't question up there where things come from.

257
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Speaker 2: I mean, the person who was shooting Captain after me,

258
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he's the guy who invented boneless wings.

259
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Speaker 1: Yeah, insane.

260
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Speaker 2: How quickly they literally ate them up, Yeah, no one,

261
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and no one asked.

262
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Speaker 1: Yep, fidget spinners.

263
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Speaker 2: That was another one of our creations. Yeah, just everything

264
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,960
that you fucking hate. Those scooters that are like littered

265
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across the street.

266
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Speaker 1: That was us.

267
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Speaker 3: Yeah, the guy who made the he's got a mansion

268
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:02,720
over and Beverly Kills. Yeah, it's Beverly Hills.

269
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:07,080
Speaker 2: But in Hell, yeah, I yeah, he's well taken care of.

270
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:08,480
He's done a lot for us down here.

271
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Speaker 1: Yeah. So you captured me and then immediately took me

272
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,919
to Clayton. Yeah.

273
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Speaker 2: I saw your legs got taken off. Good standard practice,

274
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,799
that's right. Don't grow back eventually, you know, can't lose

275
00:12:19,799 --> 00:12:22,039
the limb, just once in hell to keep it, keep

276
00:12:22,039 --> 00:12:24,519
it moving. Yeah, but I mean, you know I brought

277
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:25,960
him back here at Captain Chaos.

278
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Speaker 1: You know he's gonna fill you with the fear.

279
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Speaker 3: That's right.

280
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Speaker 1: You're not gonna want to run away.

281
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Speaker 3: That's why I'm broat here.

282
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Speaker 2: Listen, I'm no stranger too this people trying to escape

283
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,480
back up to that service.

284
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Speaker 3: What do you think, Chris, let me ask you something.

285
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Let me ask you something here.

286
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,759
Speaker 2: What do you think would be waiting for you when

287
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,279
you got out of hell, when you got up there?

288
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Speaker 1: What's waiting for you? What's waiting for you, Chris? Heaven, Happiness, Heaven?

289
00:12:45,759 --> 00:12:48,080
Speaker 2: They think you think they're gonna let you into Heaven.

290
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,559
Well good the way you do, seeing the things you've seen,

291
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:51,679
you're not getting up there.

292
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Speaker 1: I mean, it's worth his shot. I don't know what

293
00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:55,879
else to do. And you wouldn't have.

294
00:12:55,919 --> 00:12:58,279
Speaker 2: You wouldn't even gotten close to the lust ring or

295
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,799
even pasted it, not in a chance.

296
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Speaker 3: All right, you get stuck there.

297
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:05,440
Speaker 2: You start seeing vaginas on the walls, and you know

298
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that's where you get stuck, all right.

299
00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:08,559
Speaker 1: Literally stuck.

300
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Speaker 2: Literally there's a sound with each footstep in that place.

301
00:13:12,519 --> 00:13:15,399
All right, yeah, think about that. Imagine if you had

302
00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:18,240
gotten there, all right, I stuck. I saved you, is

303
00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:19,759
what I did, and then brought you back to him

304
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:20,559
to cut your legs off.

305
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:21,440
Speaker 3: I'm the one that.

306
00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,559
Speaker 1: Saved you, Okay, Man, escaping Hell.

307
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,440
Speaker 2: People think it's all happiness and sunshine and rainbows. When

308
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,279
you get back to the Service, once you're down here

309
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,159
hanging out with Satan and Clayton and Captain Chaos Doug

310
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,440
Doug Chaos, Uh huh, you're not the same. You're not

311
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,679
welcome back there anymore. You get back there, all you

312
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,759
are you're evil, boneless wings.

313
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,039
Speaker 1: I just didn't think I did that much evil stuff

314
00:13:47,039 --> 00:13:49,240
on Earth. I really don't understand why I'm here. I

315
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,600
feel like i'd let an okay life. Yeah, well, I.

316
00:13:51,519 --> 00:13:53,320
Speaker 2: Mean I think you do have a couple of subscriptions

317
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,519
to those scooter services. And I'm pretty sure I saw

318
00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:58,120
some some Instagram photos of you and.

319
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:04,679
Speaker 1: Crocsly I got crocks. I never wore crocs. I never

320
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,600
wore crocks. I might have been on some scooters. Yeah, yeah,

321
00:14:08,519 --> 00:14:11,080
did you spin? Did you fidget? Spin? I owned one?

322
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,919
Speaker 2: But not o man, stacking up, stacking up, I didn't

323
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,519
even know. Now I know, I'm doing my civic duty.

324
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:22,120
Listen here, all right. I don't belong here. I don't

325
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,679
belong in Hell. We got cage fulls of people saying

326
00:14:24,679 --> 00:14:26,440
the same thing up on ring one.

327
00:14:26,879 --> 00:14:29,919
Speaker 3: All right, it is not worth trying to claim you're

328
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,159
not here.

329
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,360
Speaker 1: If you're here, you're here for a reason. Chris.

330
00:14:32,799 --> 00:14:35,279
Speaker 2: The sooner you accept that, the sooner you stop trying

331
00:14:35,279 --> 00:14:38,399
to chase this fever dream of getting out of Hell.

332
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:44,320
The sooner maybe you can start to appreciate Hell. Appreciate

333
00:14:44,559 --> 00:14:48,039
the pain, because we love it. All right, Pain keeps

334
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,279
us sane. We have it on a banner.

335
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:50,960
Speaker 1: That's right.

336
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,320
Speaker 2: It was gonna be when you're here, your family. But

337
00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:56,960
another fucking company stole that from us. Okay, we're not

338
00:14:57,039 --> 00:15:01,000
exempt from copyrights, all right, Yeah, yeah they are.

339
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:07,080
Speaker 1: They scare even us, all right winged apes not flying monkeys.

340
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:12,679
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Okay,

341
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,240
all right, I believe you, Captain Chaos. I want to

342
00:15:15,279 --> 00:15:17,960
hear more about this military service while we got you on.

343
00:15:18,159 --> 00:15:20,480
We got all sorts of listeners around Hell listening to

344
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,080
right now live some people up on the Earth realm. Yeah,

345
00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,679
let's hear some some of your your your war stories

346
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:27,960
from the Hell wars.

347
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,480
Speaker 2: Well, uh, something you got to know about Hell. It's

348
00:15:30,519 --> 00:15:32,639
in a constant state of war. War.

349
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:33,759
Speaker 3: We gotta love it.

350
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:37,080
Speaker 2: If you've ever met that that horseman, great guy, great guy,

351
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,240
that war horseman.

352
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,159
Speaker 1: He keeps it moving.

353
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,960
Speaker 2: And when I signed on, man, there was a good

354
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:42,799
one going on.

355
00:15:43,279 --> 00:15:45,159
Speaker 3: There was a real civil war.

356
00:15:45,159 --> 00:15:47,559
Speaker 1: With civil war and hell, we have them all the time.

357
00:15:47,919 --> 00:15:48,120
Speaker 3: Yeah.

358
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,080
Speaker 2: My brother actually like wants us to you know, he

359
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,360
loves the infighting, so he actually, you know, like causes

360
00:15:54,399 --> 00:15:55,399
some fights sometimes.

361
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,799
Speaker 1: But what was the civil war that you joined in on?

362
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,080
Speaker 2: This? It was it was between gaming consoles here and Hell.

363
00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:07,759
Oh yeah, uh, the Xbox is the is the Xbox

364
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:12,399
versus the Cintendo, wasn't it. Yes, yep, that was a

365
00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:12,799
good one.

366
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:13,720
Speaker 1: That was a big one.

367
00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:17,519
Speaker 2: You know, if you went with one side decapitation of

368
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:20,080
the other side and people just going nuts and walmarts

369
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:20,960
were lighting up.

370
00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:23,679
Speaker 3: And yes we have those, yeah, we actually do have. Yeah,

371
00:16:23,679 --> 00:16:25,000
we got those all over the place.

372
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:25,639
Speaker 1: That makes sense.

373
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,840
Speaker 2: Was one on every corner. But god, I love those

374
00:16:29,879 --> 00:16:32,919
civil wars. You get in there, you just start wiping

375
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,039
people out. I mean, listen, hell, there's only one way

376
00:16:36,039 --> 00:16:38,240
to deal with the civil war. Take them both down.

377
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,639
They'll sort it out later on. It's not like they

378
00:16:41,799 --> 00:16:45,480
die forever. And hell they'll they'll come back and get

379
00:16:45,519 --> 00:16:46,679
to their senses eventually.

380
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,399
Speaker 1: Oh he knows I killed him in episode one, so

381
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,960
he's he came back. It was quite the fright. It's

382
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,720
an experience. Yeah, yeah, that's great.

383
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,679
Speaker 2: Civil wars all the time, you know, over the most

384
00:16:57,039 --> 00:17:00,480
strangest things too. We had the Jennifer Anderson versus Angelina

385
00:17:00,559 --> 00:17:01,240
Jolie wars.

386
00:17:01,519 --> 00:17:06,920
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, over who they preferred as dating Brad Pitt.

387
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,759
Speaker 2: That's right, Yeah, you had no real effect on actual

388
00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:11,799
Brad Pitt. It's not like he would have made his

389
00:17:11,839 --> 00:17:13,319
decision based off of who won or what.

390
00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:14,880
Speaker 1: It just started in.

391
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,480
Speaker 2: A break room and then it went out from there

392
00:17:17,519 --> 00:17:19,519
and then the whole hall of Hell was swallowed up

393
00:17:19,519 --> 00:17:20,039
in Civil War.

394
00:17:20,079 --> 00:17:23,920
Speaker 1: It was great. Wow, So who won? Well, Angelina obviously,

395
00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:25,920
Oh yea, yeah, it makes it. I guess it was

396
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,599
kind of It was decided by Brad. He was the tiebreaker.

397
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,039
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he pops down every now and again.

398
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,200
Oh doesn't Yeah, it just sorts this out for us.

399
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:36,720
We actually have a area for him called the Brad Pitt.

400
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,279
Speaker 1: It's just a pit of Hell for Brad Pitt.

401
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,799
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, we like, we didn't get creative with that,

402
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,319
and that was just that was just lost. It doesn't

403
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,480
always have to be a pun, you know. We point

404
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,599
that out every now and again. It's an argument that

405
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,440
we make. But yeah, you know, getting getting through the army,

406
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,559
getting through the ranks here in Hell, it's not easy.

407
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:55,400
You gotta put down a lot of people to get there.

408
00:17:55,839 --> 00:17:59,240
It's not really about strategy. It's just kind of about

409
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,440
how hard you could pull the trigger.

410
00:18:01,759 --> 00:18:05,640
Speaker 1: That's how do you use guns? Uh? We use guns?

411
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:06,319
Speaker 3: Dragons?

412
00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:06,720
Speaker 1: Uh?

413
00:18:06,839 --> 00:18:10,640
Speaker 2: Dragons, Yeah, there's what but they look like those Chinese ones,

414
00:18:11,319 --> 00:18:13,519
like the long snakes with the lion feet.

415
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:16,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, yeah, creepy, fucking creepy ones. Yeah. So they're

416
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,359
not like the like the the the American dragons.

417
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,920
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're very timid.

418
00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:25,359
Speaker 1: My brother actually has a couple in his backyard. Yeah.

419
00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:28,519
Speaker 2: The American dragons, yeah, yeah, they're they're like super whatever.

420
00:18:28,599 --> 00:18:30,839
But no, these these Chinese dragons, they fuck you up.

421
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,720
Speaker 3: They yeah, they hide out in the weeds.

422
00:18:33,319 --> 00:18:36,359
Speaker 1: And it's just how big are they? How big are

423
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,319
these dragons or I guess the weeds.

424
00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:41,599
Speaker 2: They're as big as a ring four city bus, that's right,

425
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,680
which is roughly fourteen feet.

426
00:18:44,319 --> 00:18:47,839
Speaker 1: Okay, we've also had the Uh so these are some

427
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,599
big weeds that they're hiding in.

428
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean's hell, our weeds are huge. We love

429
00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:56,440
weeds down here. Yeah, not weed like cush. No, that's

430
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,359
a ticket. Yeah, that's a ticket down here.

431
00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,599
Speaker 1: Okay, that's a ticket.

432
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,519
Speaker 2: All right, kids, they singing home, we'll get you. Put

433
00:19:04,559 --> 00:19:08,079
that joint down. It's not worth it, it's not worth it.

434
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,279
I'm trying to think of some other of my favorite conflicts.

435
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:13,599
I really liked the Colone Wars. The Clone Wars were

436
00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:15,799
a good one. Yeah, you know that the Colone Wars,

437
00:19:15,839 --> 00:19:18,880
the Clone Wars. That's where we're just deciding what the

438
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,759
you know, the common cologne to be worn in Hell

439
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:22,240
was going.

440
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,279
Speaker 1: To be between.

441
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:29,480
Speaker 2: Uh ed Hades and whatever one of those Hemsworth guys

442
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,240
are doing. Yeah, yeah, that's one of those. Yeah, you know, yeah,

443
00:19:33,279 --> 00:19:35,839
that war. That was a man, I'll never forget that.

444
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,640
Speaker 3: It was. It smelled like a fireworks displaying the Macy's.

445
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, hush oh and that sounds intense.

446
00:19:43,519 --> 00:19:46,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was that battle Axe prays everywhere. That was

447
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,359
a tough week for Helen.

448
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:53,039
Speaker 1: Yeah. We we had the Star Trek versus Star Wars wars.

449
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,079
That makes sense.

450
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's common. That's happening on Earth right now. Still

451
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,480
going up there. We kind of excavated on the on

452
00:19:59,519 --> 00:20:01,680
the over world. Every now and again, we we often

453
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:04,680
test a lot of uh, you know, our our products

454
00:20:04,759 --> 00:20:06,440
you know that we make done here up on Earth.

455
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,160
You know, like like we said, the fidget Spinner and

456
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,480
the Crocs. We try to find what our you know,

457
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,240
target demon graphic is going to be the demon it's

458
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:14,799
like graphic.

459
00:20:15,279 --> 00:20:15,599
Speaker 1: Yeah.

460
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, So we test our products up on Earth, and

461
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:21,000
you know, in the process we get a bunch of

462
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,160
people to come down to us.

463
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:23,640
Speaker 1: So so win win.

464
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,079
Speaker 2: So, uh, Doug, can I call you Doug? You can

465
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:29,960
call me gug respectful? Yeah, only is good friends, captain.

466
00:20:30,759 --> 00:20:34,240
So gug Uh you are a demon?

467
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,640
Speaker 1: Correct? Yes, Yeah, it's because you're you got for because

468
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,960
for audio for audio listeners, you're basically you don't really

469
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,480
have legs. They're very stumpy, but you're incredibly broad and muscular.

470
00:20:45,839 --> 00:20:50,599
It's basically all like upper torso fucking shredded. Yeah, why

471
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,519
no legs? Why or why are your legs so stumpy?

472
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:53,319
These legs?

473
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:53,680
Speaker 3: Listen.

474
00:20:53,759 --> 00:20:55,799
Speaker 2: I lost my legs back in the in the Great

475
00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,480
Escape of seventy seven, So the Great Escape, Yeah, there was,

476
00:21:00,519 --> 00:21:02,720
there was a I was with a group of people

477
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,839
trying to escape. That's how I know. That's how I

478
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,200
know how bad it can be when you try to escape.

479
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,680
I lost my legs, and you know what, we don't

480
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,440
all get them back.

481
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:11,079
Speaker 1: We don't.

482
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,279
Speaker 2: So these they cut these things off of a millipede

483
00:21:14,279 --> 00:21:15,559
that wandered down here one.

484
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,960
Speaker 1: Day, So that's why they's so stumpy.

485
00:21:17,039 --> 00:21:19,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, the millipede wandered into a crock and next thing

486
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,160
you know, was in hell. Yeah, man, but you got

487
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,559
to stay in shape. I'm not great at at chasing

488
00:21:26,559 --> 00:21:29,240
people down anymore. You know, I lost that one of

489
00:21:29,279 --> 00:21:32,039
the reasons I've I've gone into security. Now I got

490
00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:32,839
my winged apes.

491
00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:37,519
Speaker 1: Do you train the winged apes personally or you don't

492
00:21:37,559 --> 00:21:40,799
really train the winged apes? They have a whole school system.

493
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:41,440
It's great.

494
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:43,799
Speaker 2: You know, as soon as they're out of winged Epe

495
00:21:43,799 --> 00:21:47,519
primary there pretty much they pretty much learned on the job.

496
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:52,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. So the primary eight schooling primate

497
00:21:52,559 --> 00:21:55,480
primate schools. He's trying to do a pun. He's trying

498
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,160
to get with the trying trying to be like a

499
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:57,559
big boy.

500
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,279
Speaker 3: There's none of that, none of that.

501
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:04,000
Speaker 1: Good try. So people who are soldiers up on Earth, Yeah, right,

502
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:08,240
because we talked with Napoleon why a great guy. Yeah.

503
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,720
Do they get drafted into the war or or are

504
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,680
they more on the sidelines? Is this more between the

505
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,359
demons or the people who are sent to Hell?

506
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,400
Speaker 2: The wars are between pretty much everybody. Uh, it depends

507
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,839
on who the war is between. A lot of the

508
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,160
people that go to war are mma fighters. Oh yeah,

509
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,759
they end up down here quite a bit.

510
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,279
Speaker 1: You can tell because their ears are all fucked up.

511
00:22:30,279 --> 00:22:31,799
They'll put cauliflower.

512
00:22:31,319 --> 00:22:34,160
Speaker 2: That's it, and and there, and then that attracts the vegans,

513
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,240
the cauliflower ears.

514
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,759
Speaker 1: Right that, I mean, that's what started the cauliflower wars.

515
00:22:38,839 --> 00:22:42,960
Speaker 2: Right, they'll call pizza crust ears probably cauliflower ears. Basically,

516
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:46,640
what I'm saying is no prior training up in the

517
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,640
over world will will make you okay to be a

518
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,480
soldier down here. You just got to learn as you go. Yeah,

519
00:22:52,519 --> 00:22:54,440
that's the important part, you know. It's it's actually kind

520
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,480
of sad right now because there's been a long standing

521
00:22:57,519 --> 00:22:58,319
piece you know.

522
00:22:58,839 --> 00:23:02,039
Speaker 1: Yeah, was honoring because like since I've been here, there

523
00:23:02,039 --> 00:23:04,839
has been very little fighting. A lot of torture and death,

524
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,240
but no fighting. Yeah.

525
00:23:06,319 --> 00:23:08,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a sad time right now. It's the only

526
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:12,160
thing that keeps us going, really torture and death. Hopefully

527
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,599
there could be another civil war.

528
00:23:14,079 --> 00:23:16,519
Speaker 1: So all the civil wars, I mean, they are never

529
00:23:16,759 --> 00:23:20,680
over anything significant. They're always over something insignificant. Who you are.

530
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,839
Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, I mean I took the Oreo Wars

531
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,599
very seriously wars. Yeah, I'm team Cookie and he was

532
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,799
actually Captain Chaos's Team Cream.

533
00:23:29,039 --> 00:23:29,400
Speaker 3: I was.

534
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:33,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, but we we've we've since we sort out of

535
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,480
death under the bridge.

536
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,200
Speaker 1: So what was the consent? It's like, why not just

537
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,440
put them together and have an oreo.

538
00:23:39,599 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 3: Don't bring that up again, fresh one.

539
00:23:43,039 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 1: Has anyone ever tried to, like usurp the throne now

540
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:47,799
I think of it.

541
00:23:48,319 --> 00:23:51,160
Speaker 2: No, I don't think anybody's ever challenged my brother for

542
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:51,680
the throne.

543
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,079
Speaker 1: Huh. There's not a lot of people going after Satan.

544
00:23:55,079 --> 00:23:57,880
Speaker 2: It seems like fools our interurrect Yeah, yeah, that'd be

545
00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:58,839
it'd be crazy.

546
00:23:58,839 --> 00:24:01,440
Speaker 1: Who would want to whould want to take his spot?

547
00:24:01,559 --> 00:24:04,079
That'd be weird. Yeah, what would that look like?

548
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,559
Speaker 2: I wonder what would we have to do to make

549
00:24:07,559 --> 00:24:10,079
something like that happen theoretically? Just you know, Clayton, I

550
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,640
have to remind you choose your actions carefully. Under your

551
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,400
brother's rule is the closest we've come to World War Oh,

552
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,480
and people have been praying for that for decades. You

553
00:24:20,599 --> 00:24:23,680
raise a good point. Counterpoint, Yeah, you want a new

554
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,799
pair of legs, right? I mean, I got some robot

555
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,119
legs in my closet, just de spares laying around if

556
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,160
you wanted them, you know, would not have to be

557
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,160
skirting around.

558
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,440
Speaker 1: On some miliped legs. Just saying just saying you.

559
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,279
Speaker 3: Know, and has made getting the paper harder.

560
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,839
Speaker 1: Is this legal? What happens to those who join up

561
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,400
to revolt against Satan?

562
00:24:43,599 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 3: Legal? Legal?

563
00:24:45,079 --> 00:24:45,480
Speaker 1: In Hell?

564
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,200
Speaker 3: I mean either you die or you don't.

565
00:24:47,559 --> 00:24:47,799
Speaker 1: Huh.

566
00:24:47,839 --> 00:24:50,279
Speaker 3: I mean that's that's how hell works, you know what.

567
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's start a revolution right here, right now, live

568
00:24:54,559 --> 00:24:55,519
on good morning from Hell.

569
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,759
Speaker 1: I'm challenging you, big brother, your day's come, get you

570
00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:03,400
go and so so and this is live, so he.

571
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,400
Speaker 2: Knows, he knows I'm coming knocking on his door, and

572
00:25:06,559 --> 00:25:07,440
it's coming Satan.

573
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,880
Speaker 1: It's so in theory. Right now, everyone in Hell could

574
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:13,279
be arming up to revolt against Satan.

575
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,519
Speaker 2: That's right, Brothers and sisters, Rise up, Rise up against

576
00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:17,400
your oppressor.

577
00:25:17,559 --> 00:25:19,039
Speaker 3: A new war on the horizon.

578
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:19,640
Speaker 2: War.

579
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:21,200
Speaker 1: Who wants war?

580
00:25:21,599 --> 00:25:25,559
Speaker 3: I join you, Clayton, Chris Millipede.

581
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,559
Speaker 1: God, I don't want I don't want to be in this.

582
00:25:26,759 --> 00:25:29,359
Speaker 2: Let me just I know you're my You're my second

583
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,400
in command. Get that man some legs. All right, Well,

584
00:25:32,519 --> 00:25:35,319
we're gonna sign off. Don't forget you gotta subscribe to

585
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,400
our channel. Find us on Hotify, find us on Apple Podcasts,

586
00:25:38,519 --> 00:25:39,480
find us on tune in.

587
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 1: We're gonna go start a War. I guess, find out

588
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,920
what happens in the Great Satan Clayton War Hell Clayton