WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:10.320 on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have 4 00:00:10.359 --> 00:00:12.960 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 5 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:14.759 Waalsh Show. If you're new to my show, I have 6 00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:19.320 a PhD in clinical psychology, I teach at cal State, 7 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:23.679 Channel Islands, and I am obsessed with the science of love. 8 00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:28.760 This week, explosive testimony in the P Diddy trial Taylor Swift, 9 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:33.240 Maybe getting a ring, Hugh Jackman's divorce takes a raw turn. Plus, 10 00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.920 while dating someone who's just like you, may feel right 11 00:00:38.679 --> 00:00:43.320 but might not be good for society. Okay, let's get 12 00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:47.719 to it. If you've been following the trial this week, 13 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:51.399 Sean Combs, known as Ditty or P Diddy and his 14 00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:55.520 many many names, his federal trial in Manhattan. We're now 15 00:00:55.679 --> 00:01:00.799 in its third week. The charges are sex, trafficking, racketeering, 16 00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:05.560 other related defenses. This week we saw emotional testimony from 17 00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:10.640 a former assistant identified as Mia. She alleged that there 18 00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:14.319 were repeated sexual assaults and coercion while she was employed 19 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:18.319 by Combs from two thousand and nine to twenty seventeen, 20 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:23.680 she talked about instances of physical and sexual abuse, including 21 00:01:23.719 --> 00:01:30.480 an alleged rape at Comb's LA home. She detailed psychological manipulation, 22 00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:35.319 which she said compelled her to post positive messages about 23 00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:39.280 him on social media despite being abused. Now, of course, 24 00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:42.040 the defense team jumped all over that, saying, well, look 25 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:46.319 at her social media post. She's saying publicly praising him, 26 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:50.000 and she responded by saying that the posts were results 27 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:53.159 of the psychological abuse. I want to remind everybody who 28 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.680 if you don't know me, you don't remember. Back in 29 00:01:56.680 --> 00:01:59.680 twenty seventeen, I was named a Time magazine Person of 30 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:02.400 the Year as part of a group of silence breakers 31 00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:05.840 in the me Too movement, and I spoke out against 32 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:11.120 sexual harassment at Fox News. I you know, Fox, and 33 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:14.719 trying to you know, have a public relations campaign. Took 34 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:17.520 slices of emails that I sent to the gentleman in question, 35 00:02:17.879 --> 00:02:20.439 where I praised him and thanked him for helping with 36 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:24.400 my career, et cetera, et cetera. This is what victims 37 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:27.800 of sexual harassment do. It's like kissing the ring of 38 00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:30.080 the big dog. I don't want him to hurt me. 39 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.400 I don't want anything bad to happen. I'll just play nice, right, 40 00:02:34.759 --> 00:02:37.800 we say that in times of stress. Now, there is 41 00:02:37.800 --> 00:02:40.319 a big difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault. But 42 00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:45.080 let's use now an example of sexual assault. Women will 43 00:02:45.159 --> 00:02:51.080 either take flight, fight take flight more often, they'll freeze, 44 00:02:52.039 --> 00:02:55.919 or they'll fawn. Fawn is sucking up to and actually 45 00:02:55.960 --> 00:02:59.120 being nice to your abuser, hoping that they won't abuse 46 00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:02.680 you as much, just saying now. Also this week, the 47 00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:07.520 trel mentioned several celebrities Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Mike Myers. Now, 48 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:10.240 these people aren't accused of anything wrong, but just the 49 00:03:10.240 --> 00:03:13.840 fact that their names have surfaced mean that there could 50 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.159 be some juicy stuff coming up in the future. In 51 00:03:17.240 --> 00:03:20.400 the end, the outcome of this trial is really going 52 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:25.319 to depend on how the jury perceives the quality of 53 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:28.840 these testimonies, what the jury really decides. This trial is 54 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:33.800 expected to continue into July, and you know, P Diddy 55 00:03:33.879 --> 00:03:36.599 could go to jail for a very long time, if 56 00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:41.599 not life, depending on if whatever this jury decides. All Right, 57 00:03:41.639 --> 00:03:47.599 another relationship news, as we will, some people got engaged 58 00:03:47.639 --> 00:03:52.240 this week, Hailey Steinfeld and Josh Allen or sorry, They 59 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:56.560 got married in California yesterday. They've been dating since May 60 00:03:56.599 --> 00:04:00.319 of twenty twenty three. They got engaged last November. Demi 61 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:05.039 Levado and Jordan LUTs married last week May twenty fifth 62 00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:09.800 in Santa Barbara. Some baby news. I can never say 63 00:04:09.800 --> 00:04:17.319 her name, Sayorice ronan cyoricea Sirsha, sirsha. It doesn't spell 64 00:04:17.439 --> 00:04:20.560 like that at all, Heather Sir Sia Rowan and check 65 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:25.040 Irishish Irish thing, and I should know that I'm Irish. 66 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:28.519 Are expecting their first child. The couple married privately in 67 00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:34.720 Edinburgh last summer. Relationship updates so Brad Pitt and Inez 68 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:38.959 de Ramolt reportedly are in a strong, stable relationship. Finally, Brad. Yeah, 69 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:42.720 one that's working. This is good. She has is It's said, 70 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:45.720 according to reports, that she brings calm and support to 71 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:49.079 his life post his divorce. And you know, we've still 72 00:04:49.079 --> 00:04:53.279 been waiting and waiting and waiting, Travis Kelcey, you are 73 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:56.240 slow in your role. What is up? We want you 74 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.639 to get on one knee somewhere and propose to Taylor's right. 75 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:02.800 We thought you would do it at the super Bowl. 76 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:04.759 We thought you would do it when you kept showing 77 00:05:04.839 --> 00:05:08.040 up on stage during her tour, right or international tour. 78 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:12.639 We are just waiting when is it gonna happen. I 79 00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.720 think it's gonna happen because they've been together like two 80 00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:17.639 years now, Kayla. Do you think it's two years that 81 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.519 Taylor Swift and Travis Ivens? 82 00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:20.439 Yeah, that sounds about right. 83 00:05:20.439 --> 00:05:21.160 It's been a long time. 84 00:05:21.560 --> 00:05:24.040 Yeah, But some people say that they don't think it's 85 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:27.079 a real relationship. There's still this conspiracy theory that it's 86 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:28.920 a PR relationship and it's not real. 87 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:31.439 Yeah, for two years though, I know, and they're on 88 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:33.680 the road and he's picking her up and carrying her 89 00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:34.560 on stage, and. 90 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:36.920 I mean, I think it's real, but I still see these, 91 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:39.079 you know, fan theories that it's that it's PR. 92 00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:39.360 Yeah. 93 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:41.240 The thing that made me think a little PR was 94 00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:43.480 that they went and co hosted like Saturday Night Live 95 00:05:43.639 --> 00:05:46.639 super quick, like when they'd only been dating like a 96 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:50.000 few weeks or something, but two years. I mean, look 97 00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:53.319 back in the day Rock Hudson, you know, had to 98 00:05:53.639 --> 00:05:56.720 pretend to date people because he was hiding his gayness. 99 00:05:56.800 --> 00:05:58.560 Like what have they got to hide? They're both two 100 00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:02.240 stars anyway, why they Who needs more PR? And no way? 101 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:05.480 She just bought her Uh didn't she buy her master's back? 102 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:09.480 Remember the hole. Just this weekend she thanked all her 103 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.399 fans for coming to the Era's tour because it was 104 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.120 that money she used to buy her master's back. And 105 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:18.959 for those of you who don't know, so many musicians 106 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:24.240 are justifiably I think a little bit upset because many 107 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:27.800 record labels own the actual masters of their work, like 108 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.319 the first version, and they can resell that. You could 109 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:32.160 they could sell to commercials if you wanted to do 110 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:36.360 you know, American airlines jingle with somebody's hit, and then 111 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:39.199 the while the artists might get a few royalties, they 112 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:42.600 don't get to decide where their music ends up or 113 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:46.319 how it's sold. Right, And so when Scooter Braun bought 114 00:06:46.360 --> 00:06:50.120 her masters for least amount of money, and she got 115 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:54.800 so mad that she did something unprecedented it was I 116 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:57.360 think seventh albums or something that it was a lot. 117 00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:01.000 She went back into the studio bit by bit by 118 00:07:01.160 --> 00:07:06.959 bit and re recorded every single note everything and put 119 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:11.279 out whole albums again called Taylor's version, so that her 120 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:13.759 fans knew that's the one to buy. Don't buy the 121 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:16.800 one the Scooter Braun owns. But now she has been 122 00:07:16.839 --> 00:07:19.399 able to actually buy because she has enough money to 123 00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:21.839 buy them all back. So and and by the way, 124 00:07:21.879 --> 00:07:24.879 buying masters back is not like, oh, well, here's half 125 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:27.480 a million dollars. No, no, Often I can't remember what 126 00:07:27.560 --> 00:07:28.959 she paid. We might want to look it up. But 127 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:31.920 often they're eighty to one hundred million dollars to buy 128 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:37.160 these things back. All right, So Travis, get up on it. Okay, 129 00:07:37.240 --> 00:07:40.839 hurry up. Breakups. Three hundred and sixty million, three hundred 130 00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:44.560 and sixty million. Yeah, your fast, Heather. Yeah, I love 131 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:47.040 this girl. I love Taylor Swift. She's amazing. 132 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:47.800 She's a powerhouse. 133 00:07:47.879 --> 00:07:51.600 That's a powerhouse, all right, all right. Hugh Jackman and 134 00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:54.439 Deborah Lee Furness. After twenty seven years of marriage, the 135 00:07:54.480 --> 00:08:00.079 couple has announced their divorce. Uh. She'd later shared an 136 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:02.879 emotional statement expressing betrayal. Oh we need to find that. 137 00:08:03.160 --> 00:08:04.639 Did she say? Was there audio in it? Or is 138 00:08:04.680 --> 00:08:06.519 it just did she type something on Instagram? We got 139 00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:12.360 to find that. Raymy Mallick and Emma Curran over done. 140 00:08:12.680 --> 00:08:16.079 Remember Bohemian Rhapsody star. He's so talented and she's from 141 00:08:16.120 --> 00:08:19.920 the Crown. They ended their two year relationship. Sidney Sweeney 142 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:23.720 and Jonathan Divino, actress and her finance ended their seven 143 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:27.560 year relationship, citing her busy career as a contributing factor. 144 00:08:27.759 --> 00:08:29.720 I know we kind of scoff at that, but the 145 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:32.000 truth is, when you have a kind of career as 146 00:08:32.039 --> 00:08:34.399 an actor where you're away for months and months at 147 00:08:34.440 --> 00:08:37.200 a time, the separation can be brutal. I just want 148 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:40.919 to say that, all right, speaking of breakups, when we 149 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:45.559 come back, let us talk about not just I've always 150 00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:47.360 talked about how to get over a breakup, but one 151 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.200 of the best ways to deal with it. Let's talk 152 00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:51.840 about when breaking up is the very smartest thing you 153 00:08:51.879 --> 00:08:54.600 can do when it's time to dump somebody. And I'm 154 00:08:54.600 --> 00:08:56.279 going to tell you a story about this. When we 155 00:08:56.279 --> 00:08:58.320 come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy wall 156 00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:03.639 showfi Am We Love Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. It's 157 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:05.360 an app, yes it is. Hey. By the way, if 158 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:07.600 you have not downloaded the Ihart radio app, you really should. 159 00:09:07.879 --> 00:09:10.360 And here's what you do. You downloaded. You searched Doctor 160 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:12.639 Wendy Walsh and then there's a little button at the 161 00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:15.879 top that says preset. You click on the preset button 162 00:09:15.879 --> 00:09:18.679 and then every time you open the app Anything you 163 00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:20.240 missed in the show just pops right up. 164 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:24.919 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 165 00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:26.039 AM six forty. 166 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:30.120 KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 167 00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:32.960 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show, you know. This 168 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:37.759 week I talked at this wonderful women's wellness event at 169 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:40.960 the I'm gonna say it wrong, the Jewish Iranian Iranian 170 00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:46.000 Jewish Association Anyway, filled with fabulous women and many of 171 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.480 them KFI listeners. It was so great to meet so 172 00:09:48.519 --> 00:09:51.240 many KFI listeners in person, and they said, oh, they've 173 00:09:51.279 --> 00:09:53.480 been listening to this show forever. It was just such 174 00:09:53.559 --> 00:09:55.960 a treat. And all I kept thinking is what did 175 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:57.600 I say? Oh my gosh, Oh I didn't say the 176 00:09:57.639 --> 00:10:02.399 wrong thing. I want to remind everybody there is no 177 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:08.039 such thing as a failed relationship, only a relationship that culminates. 178 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:13.440 Every connection teaches us something about love, about other people, 179 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:18.120 about ourselves. Hopefully we're not going to repeat the same 180 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:21.200 mistakes and we'll just make brand new ones with our 181 00:10:21.240 --> 00:10:26.200 next relationship. So I want to preface what I'm about 182 00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:30.559 to say with this. If you're thinking about breaking up, 183 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:34.080 if you're thinking about ending a relationship. You are not broken, 184 00:10:34.679 --> 00:10:40.240 and you're not selfish. You might just be growing. I 185 00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:44.440 tell young women all the time that finding great love 186 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:49.840 isn't a process of being in love with hope with 187 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:54.120 every guy. It's about eliminating all the wrong ones, and 188 00:10:54.200 --> 00:10:59.759 eliminating means saying no at the beginning. Right. There's actually 189 00:10:59.799 --> 00:11:02.440 a go that I know right now, who's a friend 190 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:04.080 of mine who's been talking to me about a woman 191 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:06.759 who lives far away and they have this long distance thing. 192 00:11:06.840 --> 00:11:11.080 And he found out that she came to the town 193 00:11:11.240 --> 00:11:15.919 he lived in, saw her for two hours, but then 194 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:17.679 stayed the whole rest of the week, and she didn't 195 00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:20.120 know it right, or he didn't know what I mean. 196 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:21.879 So he's like, what do I do with her? And 197 00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:25.000 I'm like, you dump her. There's a reason for all 198 00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:26.960 of that. But he's like, oh, but she's so perfect 199 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:30.039 for me and everything's so great otherwise. Can I just 200 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:33.240 bring it up and see what she says? And I'm like, no, 201 00:11:34.120 --> 00:11:36.360 there's a reason you got it, Like the writing's on 202 00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:39.320 the wall at the beginning. Could it be a justifiable reason? 203 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:42.960 I just wanted sometime with myself? Wallows in you're down. Okay, 204 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:45.000 So he did bring it up with her, okay, and 205 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.799 you know what she said? What Well, I was actually 206 00:11:47.840 --> 00:11:50.240 here with my baby, daddy and my baby and wanted 207 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:51.399 to go to Disneyland and stuff. 208 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:52.559 Yeah, oh yeah, they hooked up. 209 00:11:52.679 --> 00:12:00.399 Yeah for sure, So there we go. All right. When 210 00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:02.480 I'm about to go through a breakup, there's usually this 211 00:12:02.559 --> 00:12:05.000 period of like three months or so where I start 212 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:07.759 like doing this cost benefit analysis in my head, like 213 00:12:07.919 --> 00:12:10.840 oh should I should I not? I'm looking for proof 214 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:15.240 of my feelings. I'm wondering is this a passing mood 215 00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:17.679 or is this for real? And here's another thing that's 216 00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:20.120 really interesting about human beings. You know, the people we 217 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.759 go to for advice, we actually know what they're going 218 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:25.559 to tell us. So when we're ready to make a decision, 219 00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:29.360 we go to the people who will confirm our decision, right, Like, 220 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:32.840 that's what I'm surprised he actually called me because he 221 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:36.240 knew I would say dumpar, dumpart. That means he's ready, 222 00:12:36.279 --> 00:12:41.200 He's ready. I also want to mention something else, especially 223 00:12:41.399 --> 00:12:46.080 for you people like me who are highly empathetic and 224 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:50.039 compassionate and kind and would never want to hurt a soul. 225 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:55.840 That we often experience something called breakup guilt. Right. We 226 00:12:55.919 --> 00:12:58.840 struggled it with this when we're trying to end a relationship, 227 00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:01.879 and it's not not because we're unsure of our feelings, 228 00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:05.159 is because we can't bear the idea that we actually 229 00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:08.399 hurt someone. You know. I hate to put gender on things, 230 00:13:08.440 --> 00:13:10.679 but it's more common guys are less likely to break 231 00:13:10.759 --> 00:13:13.240 up because they're so afraid of women's anger apparently that 232 00:13:13.320 --> 00:13:17.000 they're more likely to just kind of fade away. They 233 00:13:17.039 --> 00:13:19.759 just try to wean you off, which makes the woman 234 00:13:19.919 --> 00:13:22.879 insane because she's busy trying to figure out what's going on. 235 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:26.799 What's going on? Just say it, right, Just say it. 236 00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:30.480 I talked to a girl today who had gone out 237 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:34.679 on a first date last night, and she told me 238 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:36.519 that she knew she wasn't going to see him again, 239 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:38.799 and so she wrote a nice text saying it was 240 00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:41.720 a pleasant pleasure meeting you. I don't think you know romance. 241 00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:43.320 I don't think I didn't have a big connection with you, 242 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:45.480 but you know, hope to run into you sometime in 243 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:47.159 the world, like have a great life kind of thing. 244 00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:49.960 I thought that was so classy and so emotionally mature. 245 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:53.240 Then people know where they stand, right, But this whole 246 00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:57.759 long slow fade. Right, So I want to say this, 247 00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:00.399 if you are somebody who's highly empathetic and very kind, 248 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:04.960 sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let 249 00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:11.480 go with kindness and with clarity. Now here's what the 250 00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:15.720 research says about how to properly break up with somebody. Yeah, 251 00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:18.279 break up science. It's a real thing. It shows that 252 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:22.679 you have to be direct, honest, and compassionate. There is 253 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:25.240 a widely cited study. Actually it was published in the 254 00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:28.279 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It found that people 255 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:31.159 do prefer even if they're being broken up, on a 256 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:37.919 clear and respectful breakup conversation, over vague or misleading signals. Okay, 257 00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:41.399 ghosting slow fades. Get rid of it. It causes a 258 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:45.759 lot of emotional damage. So instead, try to imagine that 259 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:48.720 you have to be honest yet kind. So we're not 260 00:14:48.799 --> 00:14:51.039 blaming saying well, I'm breaking up with you because you're 261 00:14:51.080 --> 00:14:53.960 a bad person. You're not going to do that. You're 262 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:57.159 just going to say I don't think we're a good match. See. 263 00:14:57.159 --> 00:14:59.320 The thing is, when you say we're not a good match, 264 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:02.440 let's not blame anybody. And if they try to say, well, 265 00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:04.840 why do you think, you know, that's when you say, 266 00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:08.200 I just do those are my feelings. Don't give them 267 00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:11.559 information to argue with, right, because they'll go, no, well 268 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:13.840 that's not true because I think, and then they think 269 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:16.559 they're going to try to change to keep you. No, 270 00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:23.200 just be firm and kind, don't blame. And also is 271 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:26.919 the other one. You have to allow your partner to 272 00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:30.440 have some space with their feelings. If they cry, if 273 00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:34.639 they're upset for anything, just sit there, take it. That's 274 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:37.720 your job. All right. You're a kind, compassionate person, so 275 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.080 you're going to sit there through the messy breakup, all right. 276 00:15:40.759 --> 00:15:44.559 How do you know that it's time to finally let go? Well, 277 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:47.279 here are a few red flags for you. If you're 278 00:15:47.320 --> 00:15:52.639 experiencing something I call chronic unease, you know, like that 279 00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:56.600 persistent discomfort, it's probably not in your head. There's something 280 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:02.320 going on. If your relationship is experience a lopsided effort. 281 00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:06.320 Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Are you doing all 282 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:08.679 the work, whether it's the emotional work, the communication work, 283 00:16:08.679 --> 00:16:10.639 whether you're doing all the planning or whatever. Are you 284 00:16:10.679 --> 00:16:12.879 the only one having a relationship here? In the other words, 285 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:16.879 just showing up? That's a problem if you have completely 286 00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:20.200 mismatched goals, Right if you want to know that you're 287 00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:22.200 going to want to move somewhere for your career, or 288 00:16:22.200 --> 00:16:23.480 you're going to want to do this, or you want 289 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:27.120 kids and they don't like, come on, don't stay. The 290 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:29.879 future is not bright for both of you. It's bright 291 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.440 for one of you, but not both of you. And 292 00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:38.919 if you're feeling this constant, drained energy, then you're probably 293 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:44.159 ready to break up. Because love should feel expansive. You 294 00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:47.240 shouldn't be shrinking yourself to try to fit into the relationship. 295 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:50.159 You should be growing because you've landed on a secure 296 00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:54.240 base that's fertile ground for you to be you. I 297 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:57.960 can honestly say this about my relationship with Julio. It 298 00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:02.240 is the first relationship in my entire life where I 299 00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:06.480 am allowed a lowed terrible word, where I feel completely 300 00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:11.599 safe to be one hundred percent authentic. I mean, sometimes 301 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:14.160 she does laugh at me when I'm being real, but 302 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:18.039 that's okay because I know he loves me. And it's 303 00:17:18.119 --> 00:17:20.759 not that we don't fight or argue, but we know 304 00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:24.480 when we do fight or argue that nobody's going anywhere 305 00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:28.440 Like it's not a Although he did say, after a 306 00:17:28.440 --> 00:17:31.240 little tiff this week, he did say, don't worry, We're 307 00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:32.880 not breaking up over this. And I'm like, you had 308 00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:37.920 the thought. Like the fact that you said that sentence 309 00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:45.440 meant you had the thought. Okay. Research shows that breakups 310 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:48.839 don't usually happen because of one big fight here that Julio. 311 00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:54.880 They happen after long periods of declining satisfaction. In fact, 312 00:17:54.920 --> 00:17:58.319 there is one large scale study that identified a typic 313 00:17:58.440 --> 00:18:01.440 point and oh, they actually put a number to it, 314 00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:05.559 those researchers. There's such nerds. Okay, when satisfaction drops below 315 00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:08.960 sixty five percent, people are more likely to initiate a breakup. 316 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:11.559 How often do we say to ourselves you know and 317 00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:14.079 feels about sixty eight percent? Now I don't think I'm ready, 318 00:18:16.599 --> 00:18:18.160 So there, I guess there is a slow fade that 319 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:23.400 happens inside ourselves. Bottom line, you're not weak for walking away. 320 00:18:24.359 --> 00:18:28.839 You're brave for telling the truth. And relationships do not 321 00:18:29.160 --> 00:18:34.359 have to last forever to be meaningful. Sometimes the purpose 322 00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:37.319 of the relationship you're in is to bring you to 323 00:18:37.400 --> 00:18:41.240 the next version of yourself. So if your gut keeps 324 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:44.279 telling you that something's off, it's okay to listen to 325 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:48.599 your gut. That voice might be guiding you to something better. 326 00:18:48.839 --> 00:18:50.640 And I want to close by saying one thing to 327 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:53.480 all the women out there who are hanging on to, 328 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:59.480 you know, vapors of a guy. He's not the last 329 00:18:59.519 --> 00:19:02.920 man on the planet. Okay, don't believe he is for 330 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:06.319 a second. There are lots of other great people waiting 331 00:19:06.359 --> 00:19:08.599 to meet you. All right, when we come back the 332 00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:14.240 psychological concept of learned helplessness and how this impacts our 333 00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:16.799 dating life. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show 334 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:20.880 on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 335 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:26.240 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 336 00:19:26.440 --> 00:19:28.920 AM six forty. 337 00:19:29.000 --> 00:19:31.920 KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 338 00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:34.119 This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to 339 00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:36.519 welcome my TikTok audience who are now in the studio. 340 00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:39.960 Well they're on their phones, but they're looking at us 341 00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:42.960 in the studio. So if you'd like to come backstage, 342 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:45.880 if it will, If you will and see the Doctor 343 00:19:45.880 --> 00:19:49.079 Wendy Walls Show Love on KFI AM six forty. Just 344 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:52.599 log onto TikTok my handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. 345 00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:54.680 Question there on TikTok right away? Do I work with 346 00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:58.240 Mark Thompson? I have known Mark Thompson since he was 347 00:19:58.279 --> 00:20:01.480 in diapers. Okay, Mar Jobson and I did a series 348 00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:06.160 of television talk shows called he says, She says, guess 349 00:20:06.200 --> 00:20:10.160 which one? I was a long time ago. And then 350 00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:12.559 we've worked here at iHeart for a long time. He's 351 00:20:12.559 --> 00:20:14.759 a super great guy. I've known him for a long time. 352 00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:20.480 And uh, producer Kayla said, what you're not gonna, Oh, 353 00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:23.079 you're not gonna. We're not just close to anybody's personal information. 354 00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:25.359 If you put any questions on TikTok. By the way, 355 00:20:25.559 --> 00:20:28.400 don't you worry. Don't you worry. After this segment, I 356 00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:29.880 will be taking your calls and I'll tell you the 357 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:32.200 phone number at the end. All right, let's talk about 358 00:20:32.279 --> 00:20:37.839 a concept in psychology called learned helplessness. First of all, 359 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:41.319 let's talk about love, Sweet, sweet, sweet love. It's so innocent. 360 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:44.799 It's so perfect, isn't it. It feels so good. From romance 361 00:20:44.920 --> 00:20:50.119 novels to romantic comedies, love is something we all seek, 362 00:20:50.519 --> 00:20:54.839 and in those romance novels and comedies, we think it's 363 00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:58.720 a cure all for everything. But in fact, and I've 364 00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:04.279 always said this, love is not about finding happiness. Love 365 00:21:04.359 --> 00:21:09.720 is about finding the familiar. It's depending on what happened 366 00:21:09.720 --> 00:21:12.799 in your childhood, and one of two things could have 367 00:21:12.839 --> 00:21:18.640 created learned helplessness. But what ends up happening is you 368 00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:21.799 go out into your adult romantic life and you try 369 00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:25.640 to find a partner that will help you feel that 370 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:31.359 familiar feeling of love. What could go wrong there depending 371 00:21:31.400 --> 00:21:34.200 on what happened in your childhood. So back in the 372 00:21:34.279 --> 00:21:38.839 nineteen sixties, a group of psychologists identified something called learned helplessness. 373 00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:43.319 They first identified it in animals, dogs who had been 374 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:47.440 abused and then when they were allowed to be free, 375 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:52.160 never even tried to escape. Later, it was realized that 376 00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:56.119 learned helplessness is something that happens to human beings as well. 377 00:21:57.920 --> 00:22:00.880 It's not surprising to note that people who suffer from 378 00:22:01.000 --> 00:22:06.039 learned helplessness also suffer from depression. So there are two 379 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:09.559 things that cause learned helplessness. One is childhood trauma and 380 00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:16.799 abusive parents, and the other is highly controlling with love 381 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:24.519 and helpful and kind and permissive parents. And the child 382 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:28.319 learns that I don't need to do anything because mom 383 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:32.119 will take care of everything. Jesus the snowplow, Mom, I'm 384 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:35.559 gonna be fine. So it's like two extremes of parenting, right, 385 00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:40.759 Too harsh and too nice can sometimes create learned helplessness. Now, 386 00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:45.240 I want to remind everybody that any kind of psychology 387 00:22:45.720 --> 00:22:49.400 or mental order or disorder is always a combination of 388 00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:55.400 biopsychosocial a little bit of genetic predisposition biology combined with 389 00:22:55.559 --> 00:23:00.640 our social world and those relationships. But let's talk about 390 00:23:00.839 --> 00:23:06.559 how learned helplessness plays out in our romantic relationships. People 391 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:13.160 who have learned helplessness attract two kinds of personalities. Now, 392 00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:17.119 the first one might seem pretty benign, right, because on 393 00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:19.519 the surface, the first kind of partner is just a 394 00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:25.119 kind hearted, loving, helpful, compassionate person. Isn't that Doesn't that 395 00:23:25.160 --> 00:23:28.240 sound like a match made in heaven? Somebody who's needy 396 00:23:28.279 --> 00:23:30.160 and helpless and can't do things on their own, and 397 00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:32.440 then they meet this kind person who's just going to 398 00:23:32.519 --> 00:23:37.720 do everything for them. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, this person 399 00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:41.279 actually might have a diagnosable disorder called dependent personality disorder, 400 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:45.920 and they have compulsive caregiving. And what happens after a 401 00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:49.240