WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:07.320 It's eleven forty five p m. On a Wednesday. I'm 2 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:09.640 sitting in the kitchen lamp on low, one hand cul 3 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:11.640 tight around a mug of coffee that's gone called, trying 4 00:00:11.640 --> 00:00:14.679 to read the same paragraph hoice on my laptop. The 5 00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:17.839 budget plan for Truman's new Outcompagne flickers unsaved, but I 6 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:20.760 haven't tugged anything in twenty minutes. We live in one 7 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:22.679 of those old semis with a back door that creaks. 8 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:24.640 I can count on hearing it when Mara comes home, 9 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:27.679 no matter how quietly she tries to slip in to night. 10 00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.239 Every sound in the house is exaggerated. Upstairs, pipes grown, 11 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:33.640 the fruite wines. The neighbor's dog gives a half hearted 12 00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:36.119 bark that echoes down the alley. My eyes are on 13 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.560 the time, taking over to eleven forty six, anxiety, a 14 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:41.479 dollic behind my roops. This isn't the first late night, 15 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:43.520 but it's the first time I noticed just how slowly 16 00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:45.560 the hands move, how empty the place feels, waiting for 17 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:47.719 a sign of her. I'm half with the scroll in 18 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:50.520 my phone, crap news, spam, email, the background radiation of life. 19 00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:53.920 When the back door finally opens, the air shifts cold night, 20 00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:56.759 pressing in, weaving smoke or pollen with something and familiar 21 00:00:56.759 --> 00:01:00.200 into the kitchen's warmth. Mora closes the door softly the 22 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:02.439 usual careless slam, and sets her bag downe with the 23 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:05.200 gentleness she reserves for ward. She's tense, hoping not to disturb. 24 00:01:05.719 --> 00:01:08.480 I slip my phone into my pocket. My chest wants 25 00:01:08.519 --> 00:01:10.519 to expand with the relieved hay he made it, but 26 00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:14.200 it comes out small. She doesn't meet my eyes. Mara 27 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.239 looks wrong somehow. She's still in noubt that she left 28 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:19.439 in a black top I've always liked for late work events. 29 00:01:19.480 --> 00:01:21.760 Hare pulled back, almost too tightly, but her eyes are 30 00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:24.159 red around the edges, blinking as if she's allergic to 31 00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:27.319 overhead light. There is a scrape of Mauskerag just beneath 32 00:01:27.319 --> 00:01:30.000 one lash. The scand drifting off her is sharp and 33 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:32.599 layered floral notes, over a faint whiff of cigarette smoke, 34 00:01:32.719 --> 00:01:35.719 which she hates. I forced myself to stand and open 35 00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:38.920 my arms. She sigh, steps the embrace, turning it into 36 00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:41.640 a quick squeeze of my shoulder, brushing past to drap 37 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:44.680 her keys into the catch all rough night, she mutters, 38 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:47.959 already moving past me to the stairs. She half smiles, 39 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:50.359 used and tired, not the way she usually does, in sighs. 40 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:53.400 I'm just wiped out. I want to shower and crash. Okay. 41 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:56.319 I want to ask if she's eating, if she wants tea, 42 00:01:56.359 --> 00:01:58.680 if she needs to talk. I want to say that 43 00:01:58.719 --> 00:02:02.159 I missed her. Instead, I nod, dumbly, stuck in the doorway, 44 00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:05.400 feeling like I've intruded. My hand grazes her wrists as 45 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.039 she passes, and she pulls away almost before I touch her. 46 00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:13.039 You sure you're okay? I manage, She nods, not even stopping, 47 00:02:13.759 --> 00:02:16.000 just tired. The kids at the center were a lot tonight, 48 00:02:16.199 --> 00:02:19.960 messy family stuff. She doesn't look back. By the time 49 00:02:19.960 --> 00:02:21.879 a round the corner, she's half way up the stairs, 50 00:02:21.879 --> 00:02:25.080 the banister shadows slicing across our legs. I want to 51 00:02:25.080 --> 00:02:28.520 believe her. There are always urgent stories about the charitied families. 52 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:30.199 They try to help, the kids who break your heart 53 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:32.919 in one sentence and don't know it. Mara always brings 54 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:35.800 them home with her, some imes weeping openly, sometimes holding 55 00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:38.120 it silent until she explodes about the wells unfairness of 56 00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:41.520 a morning coffee. Empathy is her superpower. I tell myself 57 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:44.879 that's why I married her. And yet, something about the 58 00:02:44.919 --> 00:02:46.800 way she brushed past me, the way she smelled so 59 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:49.280 unlike herself, warm and perfume and smoke plants a small 60 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:52.080 shivering seed of unknees in my gut. I watched the 61 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:55.120 stairs and listen as the bedroom door click shut. It's 62 00:02:55.159 --> 00:02:58.479 just the stress, I whisper to myself, isn't it? The 63 00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:01.159 memory will stick Standing in our kitchen at midnight, one 64 00:03:01.240 --> 00:03:04.759 tired lamp, cast in yellowpool, wondering who exactly my wife is. 65 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:06.719 When the door closes behind her and she moves through 66 00:03:06.759 --> 00:03:09.199 parts of the city, I never see. I straightened the 67 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:11.039 spring she left on the counter, as if that has 68 00:03:11.080 --> 00:03:14.000 set something right. But when she comes down again, hair wet, 69 00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:16.560 robesinch tight, brushing past me to grab water before bed. 70 00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:18.800 I don't ask her to tell me more. I don't 71 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:21.520 point out anything that's off. I just watched the clock 72 00:03:21.520 --> 00:03:23.400 and wonder how long this version of our lives has 73 00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:27.439 been quietly assembling itself. Detailed by bairely nerdiced detail. My 74 00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:30.919 throat feels thick, like I swallowed something sour. We've always 75 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:33.360 been honest with each ella, at least that's what I 76 00:03:33.400 --> 00:03:36.639 tell myself. If she's hurting, I should know if she 77 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:38.680 was in trouble, I'd be the first person she'd come to, 78 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:42.280 wouldn't she. And nearly midnight, I click off the lamp 79 00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:44.879 and walk up stairs, passing our old photos in the hallway. 80 00:03:45.400 --> 00:03:47.479 The house is quiet in a way that doesn't soothe. 81 00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:50.599 I barely sleep. I can help counting up all the 82 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:52.639 spots where things don't quite fit. Even as I promise 83 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:55.680 myself it's nothing, I start to remember what things used 84 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:57.639 to be before this wedge of distance, before I had 85 00:03:57.680 --> 00:03:59.960 reason to wait up or candemnasce Maris bends outside off. 86 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:03.199 We met six years ago. If you want the dirty 87 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:05.479 details to friends roofed up party on a chilly spring 88 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:08.159 night when no one wore enough layers. She was already 89 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:10.919 holding court when I write Blonde Sharp, refusing to let 90 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.840 anyone get away with half as small talk. Mara had 91 00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:15.479 this hunger for the wy of a thing, not just 92 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:18.279 a what. Our first argument at night, whether he books 93 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:21.959 counted as real reading or not, lasted hours ricocheting between groups. 94 00:04:22.480 --> 00:04:24.560 She claimed I lost, but I maintained to this day. 95 00:04:24.600 --> 00:04:27.680 She cheated by quoting Nabokov out of context. By out 96 00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:30.120 third date, we'd already filled half a journal, trading silly 97 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.519 days and bucket list items for rainy days. A year later, 98 00:04:33.639 --> 00:04:36.480 we bought this old brick house together. Our friends called 99 00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:38.639 us the good couple, always their to host to mediate, 100 00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:41.560 to make room for everyone's baggage. If someone were capped 101 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.319 an awkward encounter, Morrow would have a theory about the subjects, 102 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:46.399 and I could map each personality four to three or 103 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:50.279 four shared anecdotes. We're both thirty two now. I work 104 00:04:50.360 --> 00:04:53.240 remote for a mid sized digital agency, mostly staring at 105 00:04:53.240 --> 00:04:56.240 engagement dashboards and campaign bruce for hours, pitching half the 106 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:59.560 city small businesses. By day, Mara's a media coordinated for 107 00:04:59.560 --> 00:05:02.360 a local of a group, managing press and social content, 108 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:04.920 jumping from event to event like there's always something on fire. 109 00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:09.079 The adrenaline suited her until lately. Our routines fit together 110 00:05:09.079 --> 00:05:11.240 the way puzzle pieces do once you trim the edges. 111 00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:14.519 Sunday meal prep, jazz on the bluetooth speaker, garlic bread 112 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:17.839 always burning around one p m. Friday book club nights, 113 00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:20.160 a rotating disaster of too much mellow and a deep 114 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:23.079 questions the group didn't really want to answer. We keep 115 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:26.759 our finances mostly joined, shared card for groceries, Netflix debates, 116 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:31.279 joined coundling, so neither of us accidentally over books. Small staff, 117 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:33.759 but the kind that marks of real life. I used 118 00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:35.480 to think our strength was how little we hid from 119 00:05:35.480 --> 00:05:38.040 each other. I tell Morrow about the clients that drove 120 00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:40.240 me nuts, the high school friend who sent me yet 121 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:43.399 another networking email she'd run about her boss, a us 122 00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:45.439 about what it'd be like to quit everything and raise 123 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:48.439 goats on a farm out west. We didn't have big secrets, 124 00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:50.199 at least not the kind that went in spoken for 125 00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:54.000 alarm our social circle orbits around us. Lindsay Morris's college 126 00:05:54.040 --> 00:05:56.480 roommate works at HR and knows everyone's salary, and let 127 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:59.639 his romantic disaster. Tom and Sherry lied down the block, 128 00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:03.319 our old married couple role models. Even now, when I 129 00:06:03.399 --> 00:06:06.000 daydream about escaping the city, I imagine Maura laughing at 130 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.000 me for wanting chickens in the yard, lighting up a 131 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:11.519 cigarette she always insists she hates. Sometimes I think about 132 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:15.480 our last vacation together before all this beach Town off season. 133 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:17.839 There is a photo of Mara eating fried shumb on 134 00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:20.959 the boardwalk sun Crinkle, her head thrown back mid laugh. 135 00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:23.519 I remember looking at her then and thinking, for the 136 00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:26.800 hundredth times, she's the most alive person I know. Nothing 137 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:29.519 felt out of reach, not even each other. I'd be 138 00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:31.639 lying if I said I knew exactly when it changed, 139 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:34.959 when that sensation of distance found its first foretolt. There 140 00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:37.240 were always blips, busy stretches, times when we were more 141 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:39.560 roomates than love us because work sucked up all the oxygen. 142 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:44.040 But it was always temporary until lately. Maybe it started 143 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:46.759 two months ago when Marra started that literacy charity gig. 144 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:50.199 I remember her coming home one night, cheeks bright with excitement, 145 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:52.399 babbling about the cause of tiny nonprofit at the edge 146 00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:54.839 of the city, helping kids who had been through the system. 147 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:58.680 The energy there, she said, it feels undoctored, raw. She said, 148 00:06:58.680 --> 00:07:00.720 she just wanted to help. She figure at the details 149 00:07:00.759 --> 00:07:03.839 on the fly. I teased her about her superhero complex. 150 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:05.720 She stuck out her tongue and said someone had to 151 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:08.639 use their marketing skills for good. I promised not to 152 00:07:08.680 --> 00:07:10.480 troll her about the late nights, so long as she 153 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:13.199 didn't bring them finish from draising letters to bed. For 154 00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:15.639 the first few weeks, it was easy to be supportive. 155 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:18.879 She'd come home buzzy hale, wild shoes, dusty hunting for 156 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:21.519 instant rawmen by the light of the fridge. She'd tell 157 00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:24.279 me about stubborn kid who refused to read about volunteers 158 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:26.439 burning out, about how good it felt too make a dint. 159 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:29.519 But pretty quickly the details she brought home started to 160 00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.360 thin out. More Knights should pass on the ramen and 161 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:34.360 head straight for a scolding shower, just one to wash 162 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:37.439 the day off. When night afterthings were going, the answers 163 00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:40.560 were flat busy, the kids are so much, or one 164 00:07:40.600 --> 00:07:43.480 of the new volunteers had a family emergency. I'm just tired. 165 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.000 At first, I didn't press. We're both seasoned at the 166 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:49.519 art of friendly withdrawal. When we hit a wall, I 167 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:52.199 figured she'd open up when it passed. But the late 168 00:07:52.279 --> 00:07:55.879 night stretched later. Sometimes she didn't come home until after midnight, 169 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:58.279 tiptoeing in barely brushing my hip. Asho went straight to 170 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:00.959 bed o night to catch up. Fitted should just say 171 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:03.439 let's talk in the morning, okay, then begne before I 172 00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:06.600 hit snooze. One night, I waited up and finally said, 173 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:08.920 you seem spent want to rant? Or is to night? 174 00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:11.519 A bath and silence kind of night? She didn't make 175 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:14.279 I contact, just rubbed her temple and said, honestly, it's 176 00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:16.120 all just a mess right now. The family's there are 177 00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:18.160 the stories. You wouldn't believe what some of these kids 178 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:20.439 go through her. Then she waved me off with don't 179 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:23.000 let me ruin your night, babe. I told myself it 180 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:25.959 was the emotional weight of her charity work. Most nights, 181 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:29.199 she watched documentaries about injustice, crulled activist feeds on Twitter, 182 00:08:29.319 --> 00:08:32.639 donated to go fund me campaigns for strangers. Empathy is 183 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:34.480 her curse in her shield. It lets her save people 184 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:37.559 even when she can't save herself. I believed her, even 185 00:08:37.600 --> 00:08:40.279 as a small critical voice inside me noted that exhausted 186 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:43.759 now meant less affection, fear jokes, almost no sex. More 187 00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:46.360 knights found her glancing absently at her lap during dinner, 188 00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:49.159 phone screen hidden chewing nails. I caught the scent of 189 00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:51.639 a new perform, a little musky, almost powdery. When she 190 00:08:51.639 --> 00:08:54.639 thought I wouldn't notice, the mechanics of our shaed life 191 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:57.320 started to misfire. She forgot our monthly meal prep, barely 192 00:08:57.320 --> 00:08:59.200 bothered to our r svpe to the next book club, 193 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:01.440 left her portion of the laundry in the wash for days. 194 00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:04.600 When I did ask gently, carefully if things were all right, 195 00:09:04.679 --> 00:09:06.559 Morrow would meet my eyes for a heartbeat, two long, 196 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:09.320 squeeze my hand and say it's just a phase, and tied. 197 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:11.600 But I love this work, even when it eats me alive. 198 00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:14.519 I just need space to process, you know. I wanted 199 00:09:14.519 --> 00:09:18.039 to be the understanding husband I tried to be. I 200 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:21.240 called at cherity burnout, I said, want me to order 201 00:09:21.279 --> 00:09:23.159 take out? Or should I pretend to be a functional 202 00:09:23.159 --> 00:09:27.120 adult and cook? She laughed, but the sound was thin. Still, 203 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:29.840 some small, defensive part of me began to keep mental notes. 204 00:09:30.440 --> 00:09:32.840 Her phone started spending more and more time face down, 205 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:36.399 then locked, then in her purse at all times. Notifications 206 00:09:36.399 --> 00:09:39.000 that used to flash freely nudge I am quietly and vanished. 207 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:42.440 Her calendar ap usually an open book, and I prompted, sorry, 208 00:09:42.600 --> 00:09:44.840 let me check, and a few seconds of scrolling before 209 00:09:44.840 --> 00:09:48.080 she'd answer. Two weeks later, our mutual friend Lindsey caught 210 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:51.279 me at the Saturday Farmer's Market. We were commiserating over 211 00:09:51.320 --> 00:09:53.519 over prece kel when she nudged me, hey, I almost 212 00:09:53.519 --> 00:09:55.120 texted you The other night I saw Morrow at Bay 213 00:09:55.159 --> 00:09:57.799 Street Jazz. Those open night nights are still while ha, 214 00:09:58.039 --> 00:10:01.000 you guys look adorable together out in the town, She grinned, 215 00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:04.159 waiting for the punch line. I froze every nerve crawling 216 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:07.519 charity night. Actually I was home. She loves that jazz spot. 217 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:10.240 They get a good crowd. I tried for normal, casual. 218 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:14.480 Lindsay's friendly expression flickered a surprised oh ha, I just 219 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:16.559 assumed you'd be there. She was with a couple people 220 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:19.360 didn't catch names, happy drunk, Hey, are you guys coming 221 00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:22.360 to Tom's birthday? I all but laughed the moment off, 222 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:25.360 but inside my roobs felt bruised. That was a night. 223 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:27.519 Mara told me she bestuck at the literacy event, laid 224 00:10:27.559 --> 00:10:29.879 something about a last minute family meeting that ran over. 225 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:33.080 I remembered thinking she must be exhausted, texting her a 226 00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:36.720 dumbilet of repizza her when you crawl home selfie. That night, 227 00:10:36.879 --> 00:10:39.120 when Mara came in even later than usual, I dropped 228 00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:42.039 Lindsay's story into conversation. Lindsay says she saw you at 229 00:10:42.080 --> 00:10:44.360 Bay Street Jazz. Did the community send a crew finally 230 00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:47.279 take you out to celebrate surviving month one? She blinked, 231 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:50.159 then nodded, lips squeezed tighten a not quite smile. YEA. 232 00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:51.840 A couple of us stop by for a quick drink 233 00:10:51.879 --> 00:10:54.000 after the session. Some of them needed to unwind. It 234 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:56.840 wasn't a big thing. I beat then, or remind me 235 00:10:56.879 --> 00:10:59.519 to text lindsay I think she dropped her scarf. She 236 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:01.960 was already changing the subject, eyes flicking to her phone 237 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:06.039 screen dark. I looked for confirmation. Nothing in her face 238 00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:09.039 gave a way more. I nearly convinced myself. I wanted 239 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:11.240 to believe her that she was just too tired for details. 240 00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:13.759 When I checked her Instagram that night, there wasn't a 241 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:16.440 single photo from a charity event, let alone Bay Street 242 00:11:16.519 --> 00:11:19.720 jazz her posts which she used to draft and ask 243 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:22.799 my opinion about. When else, Boss depersonalized the kind of 244 00:11:22.840 --> 00:11:26.120 public facy keep for acquaintances or colleagues. When did she 245 00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:29.799 start pastward protecting her phone? Anyway, our next Boo club night, 246 00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:32.360 mar attacked along like normal, sipping red wine in a 247 00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:35.240 circle on the shear's worn couch, but carefully danced around 248 00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:38.159 any deep dive into her work at the charity. Oh, 249 00:11:38.360 --> 00:11:42.080 you know, literacy stuff, getting kids excited about reading. It's fulfilling, 250 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.039 but draining. She stayed. Every group questioned back to the 251 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:48.879 other members, laughing at the dating missaps. After Sherry's husband 252 00:11:48.879 --> 00:11:50.879 had gone to refresh the drinks, she leaned into Morrow, 253 00:11:51.080 --> 00:11:52.679 So are you going to tell us what the secret 254 00:11:52.679 --> 00:11:54.879 sauce is over at the new gig? You're glowing or something? 255 00:11:55.519 --> 00:11:57.840 I watched Mara duck her chin fiddling with a napkin 256 00:11:57.879 --> 00:12:00.919 and answer with a perfunctory it's just mean. Makes everything 257 00:12:00.919 --> 00:12:03.799 else feel a bit small sometimes, you know, the group 258 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:06.879 nodded alone. But the details, the little stories, the funny 259 00:12:06.919 --> 00:12:08.919 pershaps she used to relive for us, those were gone. 260 00:12:09.320 --> 00:12:11.240 One night I should dressed to leave for the charity. 261 00:12:11.399 --> 00:12:13.440 Mara pause in front of the mirror a little too long. 262 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:16.240 She'd swapped out the ratty sneakers for boots with a heel, 263 00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:18.600 and you soft burgundy lipstick, her hair pint outer than 264 00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:21.200 usual for a kid's reading night. It had a carefulness 265 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:24.000 about it, a intention. I guess that's easiest to notice 266 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:26.879 in some one you've lived with three years. I almost joked, 267 00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:29.279 you're going to impress the eight year olds? Or is 268 00:12:29.279 --> 00:12:32.279 some one else getting the vip lock? But I caught myself. 269 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:35.480 Mara hates when I get snoky about her work. Persona 270 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:39.440 still I couldn't ignore the change. A week later, out 271 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:42.440 of a combination of restlessness and curiosity, I logged into 272 00:12:42.440 --> 00:12:45.159 our share credit card a counter check for an Amazon choute. 273 00:12:45.639 --> 00:12:47.279 At the top was a charge from a cellar dull 274 00:12:47.320 --> 00:12:49.799 wine barred a place cross town from the community center, 275 00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:52.279 time stamped twelve forty three a m. On a supposed 276 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:55.399 volunteering night. I pressed gently that night as Mara hopped 277 00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:57.080 through the door, did you end up at cellar door 278 00:12:57.080 --> 00:12:59.879 after your shift? Credit card? Surprise me? I tried to 279 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:04.799 sound only a little bit interested. She hesitated, then smiled, well, yeah, 280 00:13:04.840 --> 00:13:06.960 the volunteers had a team meeting after hour. As we 281 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:10.039 grabbed a bottle. Sorry, meant to mention that. I nodded, 282 00:13:10.120 --> 00:13:13.639 almost convinced, but the explanation fell borrowed. Werehurst not her 283 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:16.960 usual quick, honest bander, She offered to cover the charge 284 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:19.159 out of her next paycheck, joking sorry for the late 285 00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:22.919 night spending, you know, supporting small business or whatever. She 286 00:13:23.000 --> 00:13:24.960 pecked me on the cheek and disappeared up stairs for 287 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.919 her bath. Finally, at that point, the voice in my 288 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:31.200 head was louder. Their team meeting running until one ahm 289 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.080 at a wine bar nowhere near the community center. It 290 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:35.639 didn't line up with the Marra I'd always known herb 291 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:37.960 open book was closed, the page's doll geared only on 292 00:13:38.039 --> 00:13:40.879 the details she chose to show. One night, after an 293 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:44.519 exhausting week, I scolled for a joint Google calendar. Mara's 294 00:13:44.519 --> 00:13:47.480 notes about reading circle and family liaison ours didn't sync 295 00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:50.519 with the charity's own event poise on Facebook. I checked 296 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:52.720 the address she'd listed, when that wasn't open past ten, 297 00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:55.200 I grabbed Bias after work with a couple of our 298 00:13:55.279 --> 00:13:58.759 mutual friends, half ashamed at my budding pernaia. There over 299 00:13:58.759 --> 00:14:01.120 the muted beep of bar trivia night, I overheard two 300 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:03.799 younger volunteers from Mara's charity, girls i'd seen at one 301 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:06.879 of the open houses. Who's Mara's new friend? The taller 302 00:14:06.919 --> 00:14:10.080 one giggle sipping her cider, the guy who keeps picking 303 00:14:10.080 --> 00:14:12.559 her up after the sessions. He's not with our group right? 304 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:16.519 The other shrugged, No pecute coppolo, he plays the be 305 00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:19.200 brother at the check in, Devin, I think I've felt 306 00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:21.759 my well tilt a half inch. I tried to focus 307 00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:24.600 on the game, let myself believe this was nothing. Maybe 308 00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:27.440 Murr's just helping someone you, just like she always does. 309 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:30.679 But beneath all these little tells, the evidence kept tugging 310 00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:33.039 at my nose. Credit cartran sections that didn't fit on 311 00:14:33.159 --> 00:14:35.440 reachable time blocks, the way Mara hand and hold. When 312 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:38.679 I asked direct questions, I told myself at stress, it's 313 00:14:38.720 --> 00:14:41.799 just a phase. After all. I work late sometimes too, 314 00:14:42.440 --> 00:14:44.399 But I can't escape the thought that Morrow is guarding 315 00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:46.279 a small as broken life that I'm locked out of. 316 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:49.360 I found myself blame in the city are relentless routines, 317 00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:52.000 the way modern adult life wears down every connection until 318 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.279 you are just too Parallel lies running on adjacent tracks, 319 00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:58.919 still gnawing suspicion didn't care for rational explanations. It lived 320 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:02.399 under my skin, now feeding itself on every inconsistency we 321 00:15:02.519 --> 00:15:04.480 order to take out. One Thursday caree and fried chicken, 322 00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:08.200 the kind mar usually devours. She barely touched it, distracted 323 00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:10.799 by some urgent messus Chaine on the APP. When I 324 00:15:10.840 --> 00:15:13.399 asked about her day, she answered just the usual, Sorry, 325 00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:17.120 am wiped. She disappeared upstairs for her bass, re emerging 326 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.080 an hour later rosy and silent. It wasn't just me, 327 00:15:20.200 --> 00:15:23.639 noticing Lindsey texted once after a book club is morrow, 328 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:26.399 O kay, she seems kind of lost lately. Help Everything's cool? 329 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:30.120 I lied, just busy and tire. We fine. At night, 330 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:32.440 I lay in bed, counting the things we no longer did. 331 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:36.159 A ritual of arguing over book chapters, faded, our tradition 332 00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:38.679 of sharing dumb means of tik toks before bed with it. 333 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:42.399 She rolled away from me, screenshielded, laughing quietly at jokes 334 00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:45.360 I no longer heard. One night, I decided to call 335 00:15:45.399 --> 00:15:48.240 her bluff, if only for my own sanity. Ye seem 336 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:51.639 more distracted these days. Anything I can do? She exhaled, 337 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:53.799 as if I'd accused her of something, and snapped, I 338 00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:55.759 told you, it's just a lot right now. The work 339 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:59.320 is overwhelming. Don't make this about us, I pulled back, cowed. 340 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:02.559 I remembered how in the early days we promised never 341 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:05.480 to bottle things up. But I was guilty too, swallowing 342 00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:09.000 my doubts, telling myself I was paranoid. Maybe I thought 343 00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:11.200 I was making a mountain out of nothing. But the 344 00:16:11.279 --> 00:16:14.600 hiccups didn't stop. One week, Mara forgot to upbate our 345 00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:17.240 shared calendar at all, no notes, just to busy marked 346 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:20.000 across three evenings. When I tried to pin her down 347 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:21.960 on where she'd be, she said, you don't have to 348 00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:24.799 keep such close tabs, Ben, I'm not at robbing banks. 349 00:16:25.480 --> 00:16:27.759 The next Friday, my agency owested a happy hour at 350 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:30.720 a new rooftop spot. I texted Mara at eight p m. 351 00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:32.759 Come by if you're done. We'd love to see you. 352 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:36.159 She answered at eight twenty, exhausted a heading home promise. 353 00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:39.720 Next time, I left Elli swinging through downtown toward home, 354 00:16:39.960 --> 00:16:41.840 just in time to see mar crossing the street near 355 00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:43.799 Franklin and Ninth, the opposite end of the city from 356 00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:47.080 our house. She was alone, face timing someone or pretending 357 00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:49.080 to listen, with her hand tucked into her coat, not 358 00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:52.639 noticing my car as I passed. I almost stopped, almost 359 00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:54.720 called her name, but something about the privacy of her 360 00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:57.559 step made me hesitate. We slept almost back to back 361 00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:01.039 that night. I don't think she remembered grabbing toothbrush before bed. 362 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:03.559 I wanted to ask then if we were good, if 363 00:17:03.639 --> 00:17:05.599 charity stress was could for something else, but the words 364 00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:07.920 felt dangerous, like if I voiced the question, I couldn't 365 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:11.000 unask it. The next week, Upper Club gathered at our place. 366 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:14.599 Mare acted the gracious host, pouring wine, making small talk, 367 00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:17.279 asking every one else how their lives were going. I 368 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:19.839 watched her work the room, realizing how little I knew 369 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:21.519 about this nearer version of her, a woman who could 370 00:17:21.559 --> 00:17:24.720 charm anyone but let no one see inside. Lindsey as 371 00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:26.640 subtle as a car alarm, slipped next to me in 372 00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.519 the kitchen as the others bickered. A but plot holes. Hey, 373 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:31.880 not my business, but it's everything cool with you too, 374 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:35.759 she whispered. I forced a smile. Just busy. I think 375 00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:38.960 the charity eats her alive. She seemed tense. Let me 376 00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:41.440 know if you want to grab coffee and rand, Lindsay said, 377 00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:44.160 then floated back into the living room. I wanted to 378 00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:46.880 believe I was imagining everything, that the sulky warmth between 379 00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:48.960 Marra and Mere was just a consequence of too little time, 380 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:52.359 too many commitments. I told myself that if I just relax, 381 00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:54.759 if I just supported her, things would revert to normal. 382 00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:58.880 But I started looking for signs in everything, receipts, text notifications, 383 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.960 passing remarks from ends. Still, the doubts felt private, embarrassy. 384 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:06.400 Our social circle depended on us being stable, witty, Loyle, 385 00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:09.079 the couple who made of those dramas feel smaller by comparison. 386 00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:12.039 I hesitated to confide in any one, not wanting to 387 00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:14.599 look like a jealous husband or worse, we're Smarra finding 388 00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:17.680 out I'd been snooping. Things came to head the following week. 389 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:20.640 Mara came home on a rare Friday night and suggested 390 00:18:20.680 --> 00:18:22.920 we blow off everything, take a last minute drive north, 391 00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:25.039 catch the tail end of the season at the lakeside 392 00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:28.039 and where we'd gone after our engagement. She said, I 393 00:18:28.160 --> 00:18:29.880 just need to be with you. The rest can wait. 394 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:32.559 Her eyes softened, her voice warmer than it had been 395 00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:35.960 in weeks. That weekend was the closest we'd felt in ages. 396 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:40.000 Mara laughed, easily, dance barefoot on the balcony and her pajamas. 397 00:18:40.079 --> 00:18:41.759 Let me hold her as we watched All Movers on 398 00:18:41.799 --> 00:18:44.759 her laptop. We jerked about how we'd both the gotten boring, 399 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:46.759 and Maro teased, we need a seek a court so 400 00:18:46.839 --> 00:18:49.240 we actually make time for each other when life gets nuts. 401 00:18:49.839 --> 00:18:53.079