WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:04.919 Welcome to men Sex and Tandra. Discover where your parents, 2 00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:07.559 porn and religion never taught you about being a man 3 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:11.279 and having extraordinary sex. Get ready to have your mind 4 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:18.320 flown and your world rocked. Hey, super fantastic people listening 5 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:24.960 to this podcast. Wow. Okay, I've been having some really 6 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:29.000 interesting coaching calls lately, and one of the things that 7 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:34.000 really keeps coming up is this whole women are so 8 00:00:34.840 --> 00:00:40.399 vague with what they are saying to men. Now this 9 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:44.799 is not to say that men are idiots are too 10 00:00:44.920 --> 00:00:48.920 dumb to understand what a woman is saying, but women 11 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:54.159 can really be vague. And it's so interesting for me because, 12 00:00:54.200 --> 00:00:55.920 like you know, so I work with women, and I 13 00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:59.200 work with men. I work with more men percentage wise, 14 00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:02.799 and of course I work with couples. So when I'm 15 00:01:02.840 --> 00:01:06.879 working with couples, and the what I what I do 16 00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:08.920 is I work. I do a session with them both, 17 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:11.560 and then I do a session with them separate, and then 18 00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:13.920 I come back together, back apart, back together. So that's 19 00:01:13.920 --> 00:01:17.599 how I usually do this, and it'll be really interesting 20 00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:23.599 to hear they're both of their interpretations of what the 21 00:01:23.719 --> 00:01:28.400 conversation was that I asked them to have. So intriguing, 22 00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:32.040 so intriguing, and one of the things that I realize, 23 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:34.599 I mean, here are the two main things that happen. 24 00:01:35.239 --> 00:01:38.799 One is the man acts like he understands what the 25 00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:44.400 woman is actually saying in a conversation. Yeah, okay, that's reasonable. 26 00:01:44.439 --> 00:01:47.680 Now I don't know whether or not he You know, 27 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:49.439 most men that love a woman or want to be 28 00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:51.640 in a relationship don't like to be in conflict. A 29 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:55.120 lot of people are conflict avoidant. That's normal. And so 30 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:58.599 he kind of goes, yeah, okay, she says blah blah 31 00:01:58.599 --> 00:02:01.920 blah blah blah blah blah. He goes, uh huh, yeah, affirmative, 32 00:02:01.959 --> 00:02:04.519 like he understands what she's saying. We get on a 33 00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:06.359 call and he goes, I don't know what has going 34 00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:08.599 on at all, Like what is she actually saying? I'm like, 35 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.800 why didn't you ask her that? And he'll say something 36 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:14.080 like well, she gets upset or annoyed and says, I've 37 00:02:14.120 --> 00:02:16.319 already told you that. How come I have to keep 38 00:02:16.360 --> 00:02:18.159 telling you the same thing? How come I have to 39 00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:21.000 be the one that's always doing everything? How come you 40 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:27.960 can't just get this? Yeah? And then I'll ask the woman, 41 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:31.599 so you know you were having this conversation. It can 42 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:35.560 be around money, sex, housework, parenting, It doesn't matter what 43 00:02:35.639 --> 00:02:38.759 it is. Usually the conversation that you guys are having 44 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:41.360 over and over isn't the real problem, by the way, 45 00:02:41.560 --> 00:02:45.400 just FYI. So I'll say, so you were supposed to 46 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:54.080 have that conversation around intimacy, and she'll say yeah, and 47 00:02:54.120 --> 00:02:58.199 I go great, So what did you say? And she'll say, well, 48 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:02.439 I said that I'd really like to you know that, 49 00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:04.240 I really because I always teach you know, you have 50 00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:07.080 to appreciate when you're having conversations, right, So, Hey, I 51 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:10.240 really appreciate all of the things you do to move 52 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:13.439 our relationship forward, and I love how you always are 53 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:17.960 willing to listen to my needs. So what I'd really 54 00:03:18.039 --> 00:03:22.840 like to talk about today is more intimacy. I just 55 00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:26.319 feel like I need more intimacy. And when we have 56 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:29.960 more intimacy, then I'm able to feel more connected with you, 57 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:33.840 and that leads me to want to have more sex 58 00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:36.639 or feel more turned on. And the guy's like, okay, yeah, 59 00:03:36.919 --> 00:03:40.240 got it, got it, got it, okay, good good, right, 60 00:03:40.439 --> 00:03:45.639 and he's on board. That's the conversation. Now she thinks 61 00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:50.599 she was clear intimacy. He thinks he's clear. If I 62 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:54.560 ask them both to define that word, neither one of 63 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:57.039 them are very clear first of all what that word means, 64 00:03:57.240 --> 00:04:00.560 and second of all how what it means to them 65 00:04:00.599 --> 00:04:02.520 and what it means to the other person. And so 66 00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:05.879 then she's upset because she's asked for what she needs. 67 00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:12.039 He said okay, but nothing changed, no definitive action that 68 00:04:12.199 --> 00:04:16.600 she sees because she has a certain set of criteria 69 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:23.879 about what intimacy means. He understanding his definition of the 70 00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:28.920 word intimacy based on a guest, based on a last partner, 71 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:32.079 based on listening to a podcast with some bro dude, 72 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:35.319 I don't know whatever it is. However, we come up 73 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:39.399 with these ideas. He's doing things, but because he's not 74 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:43.000 doing the exact thing she thinks is it, she doesn't 75 00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:47.560 recognize the effort at all. So now they're both like. 76 00:04:47.639 --> 00:04:49.759 He's like, well, I don't know. You know, she wanted 77 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:52.120 more intimacy. So I did this and this and this, 78 00:04:52.199 --> 00:04:55.199 and I'm like, okay, great, did she ask for that? No, 79 00:04:55.399 --> 00:04:58.319 she just said more intimacy. I'm like, I'll say to hers, 80 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:03.680 so you said intimacy, more intimacy, and she's like yes, 81 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:06.319 And then he doesn't do a damn thing. He doesn't 82 00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:09.839 do anything. I don't understand. I'm like, what, I don't 83 00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:14.360 understand what you mean by intimacy either. So if you said, Tanya, 84 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:19.439 I need more intimacy, I'd say cool, all right. And 85 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:21.519 if I thought I understood what that meant, or I 86 00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.759 didn't want to look like an idiot, I might just 87 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:28.480 go and google it at I don't know, try to 88 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:30.800 figure it out. Think I know what you're talking about. 89 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:34.040 I don't know, right, But if I'm doing this thing 90 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:38.720 and you're not recognizing it, and I'm upset because you're 91 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.079 not recognizing, you're upset because I don't. You don't think 92 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.920 I'm doing anything, and we're both actually doing things, why 93 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:53.920 now every time I want more romance, I want more connection. 94 00:05:54.199 --> 00:05:58.120 I want more presence. I want more touching. I want 95 00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:03.079 more compliments. I want more insert whatever the freaking word housework. 96 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:08.160 I don't care, more financial solvency, more safety, safety. I 97 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:12.399 need more safety from you. Any word that you are 98 00:06:12.480 --> 00:06:16.079 sticking in there, if you are, that is vague to me, 99 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:19.120 if you are not actually laying down what that looks like. 100 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:26.920 So let's take let's take intimacy, she says. I really 101 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.120 would like to have more intimacy because that would help 102 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:34.959 me feel more connected and lead to us having more sex. Okay, 103 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.000 that sounds clear on her end. It's might even sound 104 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:41.560 clear on his end because he heard more sex, which 105 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:46.399 is fine, It's not clear. So if I were saying 106 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:49.920 that having a conversation with a partner, and I wanted 107 00:06:49.959 --> 00:06:53.160 more intimacy from my partner, I would say, Hey, I'd 108 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:55.959 like to talk about intimacy because I think if we 109 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:58.199 have more of it, I'd feel more connected and that 110 00:06:58.199 --> 00:07:01.680 would lead to me wanting to have more self. So first, 111 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:05.360 can we, like, let me define what I mean by intimacy. 112 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:09.959 So when I say I want more intimacy, I what 113 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:14.079 I mean is that like during the day and not 114 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:16.160 just during the day. Let's let's just make it easy, 115 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:20.399 like twice a day, seven days a week. I would 116 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:24.439 actually like you too, without me saying anything or being 117 00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:28.680 part of this, text me something sweet about how you 118 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:32.079 love me, something that you notice stands out, something personal, 119 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:35.279 not just hey babe, you're sexy, but like what makes 120 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:39.959 me sexy? Okay, so a couple times a day that'd 121 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:43.040 be great. Once a day would still do it, but 122 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.199 most days, yeah, what if my perfect world twice a day, 123 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:49.600 seven days a week forever, that's my perfect world. But 124 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:52.000 you know what, nothing is imperfect is perfect in life. 125 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:55.800 So but if you're doing that a compliment something you 126 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:58.720 thought about, a picture of something you thought I would like, 127 00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:04.199 something that tells me you are thinking about me in 128 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:09.040 a way that's affectionate and or sexual, not overt sexual. 129 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:12.199 So not babe, by love your rack, want to bang 130 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:17.040 you tonight? That doesn't feel intimate to me. That feels sexual, 131 00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:20.560 which is different, okay, And then I would say, do 132 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.279 you have any questions about that? So what did I do? 133 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:26.360 Define the word? What it means to me? Give an 134 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:28.839 exact like what do I mean by more? I mean 135 00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:31.000 more is a vague word, Like if you don't ever 136 00:08:31.079 --> 00:08:32.759 do it, and you do it once a month, I 137 00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:34.399 may not notice you did it once a month because 138 00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:36.720 I've been angry for that third twenty nine days that 139 00:08:36.759 --> 00:08:42.080 it didn't happen, so many things, And you know, then 140 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:43.919 people will say to me, well, God, tan, isn't this 141 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:48.279 supposed to be spontaneous? Like I feel like I'm creating 142 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:51.240 a user's manual. Yeah, I'm fucked to the AA for that. 143 00:08:51.399 --> 00:08:53.960 Create a user's manual. In fact, use chat GPT and 144 00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:57.320 help it help you create a user manual about what 145 00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:01.399 you mean by these words? Yes, what do you mean 146 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:04.600 by more? What do you mean by more often? How often? 147 00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:08.039 What does it mean? Mean? So if I made a 148 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:13.480 checklist or a roadmap or a blue trint, and I 149 00:09:13.559 --> 00:09:16.559 do this, by the way in my relationships, to let 150 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:19.639 my partner know exactly what I mean. If I say 151 00:09:19.720 --> 00:09:22.720 more sex, what does that mean? What does more sex mean? 152 00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:28.600 Maybe I mean more making out without intercourse? What does 153 00:09:28.639 --> 00:09:32.600 that look like? I'll define it. I'll define it. I 154 00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:36.000 love it when we spend some evenings just kissing and 155 00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:41.320 it doesn't go to intercourse or oral sex, Like we're 156 00:09:41.360 --> 00:09:44.919 literally just making out maybe dry humping on the couch 157 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:48.519 with our clothes on. Love that. Love that? Yeah? Love 158 00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:52.480 to do that a couple times a month sounds great? Right? 159 00:09:53.080 --> 00:09:55.360 Do you have to initiate it or do I have 160 00:09:55.399 --> 00:10:00.600 to do it? Okay, that's another be clear. So women 161 00:10:00.679 --> 00:10:02.879 don't like to be clear because they feel like if 162 00:10:02.879 --> 00:10:06.879 they're telling men exactly what they want, women are so complicated. 163 00:10:06.919 --> 00:10:10.399 First of all, just saying we feel like if we 164 00:10:10.519 --> 00:10:13.320 tell you what we want, you're doing it because we 165 00:10:13.399 --> 00:10:15.759 made a checklist and not because you really want to 166 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:18.960 do it. That kind of feels like, Oh, you don't 167 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:21.440 really want us, you just don't want to be in trouble, 168 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:23.519 or you just want more sex, you don't really want 169 00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:27.440 to make us happy. I mean who Ultimately, if everybody's 170 00:10:27.480 --> 00:10:31.440 getting what they want, why does it matter? But if 171 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:36.080 you keep in mind that the majority of women trade 172 00:10:36.600 --> 00:10:40.679 on fertility, even if they don't, this is biological. They 173 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:44.039 may not even realize it. Women are under the pressure 174 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:49.759 to have fertility cues to be sexually desired. That's a 175 00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:54.720 biological drive. And when we don't feel that way, then 176 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:58.679 we lose confidence. Now that doesn't mean that there's other 177 00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:02.399 things we don't feel confident, but underneath it all, now 178 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:05.720 you say, well, great, Tanya, I'm hard for every morning, 179 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:08.799 I'm grabbing her ass every time I go by. Okay, 180 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:13.559 that's fine, And that's not the way women all receive 181 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:19.600 that information because of society, childhood programming. It's complicated just 182 00:11:19.639 --> 00:11:27.279 saying so understanding what makes a woman feel sexy or desired? Yeah, 183 00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:29.759 that needs to be spelled out too. If I say 184 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:31.960 to a partner, hey, you know what makes me feel 185 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:36.679 really sexy is when you do X, Y Z, A, 186 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:40.120 B C D. Make a list. I'll make a list. 187 00:11:40.279 --> 00:11:43.000 I'll make a list and say, here, here's a list 188 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:45.320 of things you can do that make me feel sexy. 189 00:11:45.320 --> 00:11:47.720 And it might be as simple as putting your hand 190 00:11:47.799 --> 00:11:50.200 on the small of my back when we're walking somewhere. 191 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:54.440 These don't have to be complicated. But if you're getting 192 00:11:54.440 --> 00:11:57.360 what I'm laying down, you're starting to see how vague 193 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:01.120 most people's conversation is. It's not that they're not communicating 194 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:04.840 or stating things, just so vague about it. Nobody knows 195 00:12:04.879 --> 00:12:07.639 if they're winning, nobody knows if they're checking it off. 196 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:11.639 If I said it would really I would really love it. 197 00:12:11.639 --> 00:12:15.840 If you made dinner four nights a week. Okay, that's specific. 198 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:18.240 Not I'd like it if you helped out more with dinner. 199 00:12:18.919 --> 00:12:21.840 What does that mean? Chop the lettuce. I don't know. 200 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.519 So if I made dinner, and what I mean by 201 00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:26.480 making dinner, see, I'd break it down even more. And 202 00:12:26.519 --> 00:12:28.600 what I mean by making dinner is I did not 203 00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:34.039 grocery shop, prepare, do a damn thing. So four days, 204 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:38.240 it's four nights a week. It's your thing. You plan it, 205 00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:41.360 don't ask me what I want, plan it, cook it, 206 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:44.480 shop for it, clean up for it, do all of 207 00:12:44.519 --> 00:12:49.399 the things that would be awesome. Now you know exactly 208 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:52.320 what I mean by you do dinner four nights a week. 209 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:56.919 It's clear. Now I'm willing to write it down because 210 00:12:56.919 --> 00:12:59.039 if you came back to me, because we rarely just 211 00:12:59.120 --> 00:13:02.639 here something one and make it happen. I mean, we're 212 00:13:02.679 --> 00:13:05.960 busy people with lots of stuff on our mind. But 213 00:13:06.039 --> 00:13:08.080 if I actually created you a checklist and you were like, 214 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:09.679 oh cool, I got a checklist. Now I don't have 215 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:12.440 to think about it. I love checklist forsell. But yeah, 216 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:15.639 put it up there and go. It's not romantic, but hey, 217 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:18.519 put it up there and go. When she says four 218 00:13:18.600 --> 00:13:21.559 nights a week dinner, it means that. Yeah. So then 219 00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:24.960 you'll have a woman go did I say women are complicated? 220 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:28.399 And then a woman will say, well, why do you 221 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:33.440 need a checklist to give me more intimacy? Come on, ladies. 222 00:13:33.639 --> 00:13:37.120 If there's a woman listening to this, ladies, ladies, ladies. 223 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:40.320 If a man is going out of his way and 224 00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:42.919 he actually made a checklist or you made one for him, 225 00:13:42.919 --> 00:13:44.879 and he's willing to look at that to make sure 226 00:13:44.919 --> 00:13:48.399 he's hitting all the marks that you need. Yeah, if 227 00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:50.240 he does it long enough, he probably won't have to 228 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:53.519 look at the checklist anymore. You know, he's already trying. 229 00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:56.320 Most men that are with women are trying. They are 230 00:13:56.360 --> 00:14:02.000 trying their best communication without vague this is important. I'm 231 00:14:02.039 --> 00:14:04.720 on your side, guys. Okay, so maybe we need a 232 00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:08.639 check closet. Okay, that doesn't sound romantic. No, but like, okay, 233 00:14:09.440 --> 00:14:14.000 if it makes things better, like you're getting your needs met, 234 00:14:14.679 --> 00:14:17.360 then it is better. Now, if you're one of those 235 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:22.000 women who says, if the man loved me enough, cared 236 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:25.679 about me enough, wanted to please me enough, like somehow 237 00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:30.639 he would just automatically download my user's manual and never 238 00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:34.879 need a conversation about anything to make me happy. Wow, 239 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:37.960 holy crap. If you are a man out there that 240 00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:40.879 can do that, hot damn, I'm going to tell you 241 00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:45.919 right now, create a custom AI chatbot of yourself. There 242 00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:48.000 are some men that are closed. I have been with 243 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:53.480 men that are so close to perfect it's literally insane, right, Like, 244 00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:56.919 how in the world do they know all of that 245 00:14:57.279 --> 00:15:02.039 so well? It always blows my mind. And you know 246 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.279 who knows what that is? Usually it's the way they 247 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:08.720 were raised, or the things that they think are prioritizing important. 248 00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:11.600 Like one man thinks that making sure he goes to 249 00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:14.399 work every day and makes that money and it doesn't 250 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:18.159 spend it, puts it in the joint account is the priority. 251 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:22.120 Some men will go, oh, romance, you know, romance is 252 00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:26.600 the priority. Maybe they're not prioritizing the finances as high. 253 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:28.799 Some guys will be like, oh, the house being cleaned, 254 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:32.080 that's the priority, right there, Romance a second. I don't 255 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:36.399 know everybody's different, but one thing I do know is 256 00:15:36.440 --> 00:15:43.600 that vague conversations lead to frustration on everybody's part. Everybody's part, 257 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:51.960 everybody's part. Right now. This isn't just, of course, women 258 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:56.559 having vague conversations with men. This can be men having 259 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:00.440 vague conversations with women because men have never thought about 260 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:04.679 what they actually need. So a man might say to 261 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:09.120 his partner, I just need more sex. No, here's something 262 00:16:09.159 --> 00:16:12.039 that's really important that men don't talk about. I need 263 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:19.639 to feel desired sexually. Okay hmm. So if a man said, 264 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:23.039 and I didn't know better, I was having vague conversations 265 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:26.600 and my partner said, I need to feel more desired sexually, 266 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.679 I've never had a man that had to tell me that. 267 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:33.240 But let's say he did, I would say, oh, well, 268 00:16:33.320 --> 00:16:37.120 I do have desire for you, so that's not really 269 00:16:37.159 --> 00:16:42.159 what he's saying. Well, he's looking for a set of actions. Hey, babe, 270 00:16:43.159 --> 00:16:47.159 I would love to feel more sexual desire from you, 271 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:52.360 or that you thought I was sexy. I would say, oh, yeah, okay, 272 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:54.559 because maybe I thought that I was already doing that. 273 00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:58.000 So instead of getting defensive, I would say, okay, great, 274 00:16:58.159 --> 00:17:00.639 So can you tell me some of the things that 275 00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:05.039 if I did, you would feel that way? And might 276 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:08.880 he may just go wow, nobody's ever asked me that before. 277 00:17:08.920 --> 00:17:13.680 I don't really know. I don't know hm. And if 278 00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:16.799 he doesn't know, then it's a conversation like, well, let's 279 00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.039 talk about it or have you Do you remember a 280 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:24.160 time when you felt that way and a guy might go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, 281 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:27.720 what was happening or what was going on? Oh? You 282 00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.359 know that one time when we were in bed, you know, 283 00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:32.079 we woke up in the morning and you got out 284 00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:34.400 of bed, but then you turned around and looked at me. 285 00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.440 I was kind of half in and out of the sheets. 286 00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:38.519 You looked at me, and all of a sudden you 287 00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:41.480 had to jump back in bed and kiss me and 288 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:44.200 grab me and tell me how sexy I was that 289 00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:50.119 something like that, and the woman might say, oh, yeah, okay, 290 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:53.519 but if I do that, then I'm worried that that 291 00:17:53.559 --> 00:17:55.720 means you're gonna have sex with me, and then I 292 00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:58.440 have to worry about what time it is. See, so 293 00:17:58.759 --> 00:18:01.559 there might be a reason, and then you can say no, no, no, 294 00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:04.279 just even doing that saying I gotta go and getting up, 295 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:07.400 that's going to make me happy. So if you're holding 296 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:11.680 back grabbing my butt or telling me I'm hot, or 297 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:14.400 if you're holding back for many of those types of 298 00:18:14.440 --> 00:18:18.359 things because you're worried that that always leads to sex, 299 00:18:18.440 --> 00:18:20.200 and then you don't want to disappoint me or feel 300 00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:22.519 guilty that you don't have time for it or you're 301 00:18:22.519 --> 00:18:27.599 not into it. Well that's important. No, this is a 302 00:18:27.680 --> 00:18:32.400 non vague conversation. Hopefully that's helpful. And she could say, well, yeah, 303 00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:35.000 I feel like if I go by and grab your ass, 304 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:38.440 kiss you, tell you how sexy you are. The automatically yep, 305 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:41.079 you're gonna grab me, and you think I just said 306 00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:45.319 let's go have sex. So let's be clear. If I 307 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:48.440 grab you, maybe I'm just going to drop down on 308 00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:51.839 my knees and take you in my mouth for two 309 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:55.000 minutes before I gotta go. I want to be able 310 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:56.599 to do that. I want to be able to tell 311 00:18:56.599 --> 00:18:59.400 you how sexy hot whatever you are, jumping the shower 312 00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:03.839 for you, grab you, whatever. But I want it to 313 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:08.000 be an event in itself. I do not want it 314 00:19:08.079 --> 00:19:11.759 to have the expectation that it goes somewhere, or I'll 315 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:15.240 do less of it. So as a man, you might 316 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:18.640 be going, oh, oh, okay, all right, So then what 317 00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:21.319 does look like you're grabbing me because you want it 318 00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:24.519 to go to someplace here? Remember, let's not be vague. 319 00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:26.880 And she said, well, I'll tell you what. I promise 320 00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:30.119 you that if I grab you or look at you sultry, 321 00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:32.599 or take my shirt off or anything, that I will 322 00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:37.839 tell you exactly what I want to happen. So if 323 00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:39.839 I come up to you and I nuzzle behind you 324 00:19:39.880 --> 00:19:41.799 and say, hey, baby, you are just so hot, and 325 00:19:41.920 --> 00:19:44.599 I slide my hands down your body, and the next 326 00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:46.480 thing I'm going to say is, man, I hope this 327 00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:52.039 leads to what I want. Okay, game on clear Now, 328 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:54.200 as a man, you could be going and what is 329 00:19:54.240 --> 00:19:57.960 it exactly that you want, and that's okay to say, well, babe, 330 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:02.559 I can't wait for you to tell me exactly what 331 00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:06.160 it is you want. Now we're having a hot conversation, right, 332 00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:08.880 use your words. Everybody can use their words in a 333 00:20:08.920 --> 00:20:14.160 sexy way, just saying it's all right to do that. Okay, 334 00:20:15.839 --> 00:20:18.759 what else can be vague? I need more? I just 335 00:20:18.799 --> 00:20:21.519 need you to talk to me more. Woman says, just 336 00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:24.279 talk to me more. And you're like, dude, I like, 337 00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:27.000 I talked my nine hundred words out today. There's this 338 00:20:27.079 --> 00:20:28.960 I don't can't remember what the number is now. But women, 339 00:20:29.319 --> 00:20:31.160 you know, are thousands of words a day and men 340 00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:32.839 are way less than that a day. And so you 341 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:34.160 might be like, I feel like I talk to you 342 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:36.599 all day long. She's not just saying talk blah blah 343 00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:41.880 blah blah blah blah. Or maybe she is. Maybe this 344 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:46.519 blows my mind. When you come home, she literally wants 345 00:20:46.559 --> 00:20:50.880 you to say, hey, honey, how is your day to day, 346 00:20:51.359 --> 00:20:55.039 and then look at her while she tells you five 347 00:20:55.160 --> 00:20:59.480 or ten minutes of what happened during her day. Maybe 348 00:20:59.480 --> 00:21:02.720 that's what actually wants. So let's find out. Let's not 349 00:21:02.759 --> 00:21:05.279 be vague. Hey, mabe, I need you to talk to 350 00:21:05.319 --> 00:21:08.519 me more. Okay, if I said that to my partner, 351 00:21:08.559 --> 00:21:12.559 it would sound like this. I'd notice that we do 352 00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:16.440 a lot of kind of surface level talking. We talk 353 00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:18.720 about our day, we talk about some of the problems, 354 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:21.240 we talk about our plans, what's coming up, what's going on, 355 00:21:21.279 --> 00:21:23.799 stuff like that. And I really appreciate that we check in. 356 00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:27.640 That feels like checking into me, like we're just keeping 357 00:21:27.720 --> 00:21:32.240 each other informed of what's going on. What I'm missing 358 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:35.839 is deeper conversation. So let me tell you what I 359 00:21:35.880 --> 00:21:38.920 mean by that. Like we're sitting there on the couch, 360 00:21:39.319 --> 00:21:43.839 we start talking about you know, let's say, you know, 361 00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:48.319 problem or having a work and it ends up that 362 00:21:48.359 --> 00:21:50.200 you don't feel like you're really you know, feel like 363 00:21:50.200 --> 00:21:53.880 you're getting any traction at work. Right, So, Len, now 364 00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:57.160 I want to take that conversation and go deeper with that. 365 00:21:57.240 --> 00:21:59.880 What does that look like? Well, you know, I might say, 366 00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:02.599 so when you feel like you're not getting that traction, 367 00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:05.440 you're being overlooked or things like that, what's going on 368 00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:08.400 with that? Like? How does that affect you? Really? And 369 00:22:08.440 --> 00:22:10.880 so now some men are groaning because they're like, oh, 370 00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:17.680 I get it. Feeling conversations lock that Okay, some women 371 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:21.839 feel that way too. But when a woman says deeper conversation, 372 00:22:22.440 --> 00:22:26.799 she typically means she wants to go deeper into a 373 00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:32.200 subject or a topic and discuss the nuances and our feelings. Now, 374 00:22:32.440 --> 00:22:34.839 you don't need to be her girlfriend that hears every 375 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:38.279 single thing that she ever wants to talk about. But 376 00:22:38.599 --> 00:22:42.799 the majority of women want their partner to be that person. 377 00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:46.119 They can fighte in that person that they tell the 378 00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:49.920 things they're scared of, that they go deeper with, and 379 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:55.359 they want their partners typically to tell them those things too, 380 00:22:55.400 --> 00:22:58.359 because in a woman's world, typically that's called intimacy. That's 381 00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:01.559 where you are literally going deep with things that could 382 00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:06.240 be scary, potentially loaded things like that. But she still 383 00:23:06.279 --> 00:23:07.960 need to ask her because she may not mean that 384 00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:09.720 at all. She may be like, I don't want my 385 00:23:09.799 --> 00:23:12.920 man being all in a feeling space. Screw that, go 386 00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:15.839 out and chop some wood that is making me feel great. 387 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:18.039 When you're walking in here with your arms full of wood, 388 00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:23.359 dropping that down in that perfect triangle, That's what I'm 389 00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:27.200 talking about. Okay, Yes, absolutely, there are definitely times when 390 00:23:27.240 --> 00:23:30.000 I would rather see my man bringing in wood from 391 00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:33.799 outside than talking deeply about why he feels like being 392 00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:37.400 passed over at work is emasculating him. How do you know, 393 00:23:38.359 --> 00:23:42.119 as a woman who's complicated, I make sure everybody's clear 394 00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:45.519 about what I'm saying, because otherwise, how you gonna know? 395 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:48.480 Nobody's a mind reader. You shouldn't have to be. Don't 396 00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:54.319 try to be. So how can you help more men 397 00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:57.519 than women? Listen to this show? It's kind of interesting, 398 00:23:57.559 --> 00:24:01.440 but yeah, go figure that. How can you help your 399 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:05.319 partner when they're vague, and if you're a woman, stop 400 00:24:05.359 --> 00:24:08.880 being vague. How can we help each other to have 401 00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:14.640