Speaker 1: Welcome to men Sex and Tandra. Discover where your parents,
Speaker 1: porn and religion never taught you about being a man
Speaker 1: and having extraordinary sex. Get ready to have your mind
Speaker 1: flown and your world rocked. Hey, super fantastic people listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Wow. Okay, I've been having some really
Speaker 1: interesting coaching calls lately, and one of the things that
Speaker 1: really keeps coming up is this whole women are so
Speaker 1: vague with what they are saying to men. Now this
Speaker 1: is not to say that men are idiots are too
Speaker 1: dumb to understand what a woman is saying, but women
Speaker 1: can really be vague. And it's so interesting for me because,
Speaker 1: like you know, so I work with women, and I
Speaker 1: work with men. I work with more men percentage wise,
Speaker 1: and of course I work with couples. So when I'm
Speaker 1: working with couples, and the what I what I do
Speaker 1: is I work. I do a session with them both,
Speaker 1: and then I do a session with them separate, and then
Speaker 1: I come back together, back apart, back together. So that's
Speaker 1: how I usually do this, and it'll be really interesting
Speaker 1: to hear they're both of their interpretations of what the
Speaker 1: conversation was that I asked them to have. So intriguing,
Speaker 1: so intriguing, and one of the things that I realize,
Speaker 1: I mean, here are the two main things that happen.
Speaker 1: One is the man acts like he understands what the
Speaker 1: woman is actually saying in a conversation. Yeah, okay, that's reasonable.
Speaker 1: Now I don't know whether or not he You know,
Speaker 1: most men that love a woman or want to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship don't like to be in conflict. A
Speaker 1: lot of people are conflict avoidant. That's normal. And so
Speaker 1: he kind of goes, yeah, okay, she says blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. He goes, uh huh, yeah, affirmative,
Speaker 1: like he understands what she's saying. We get on a
Speaker 1: call and he goes, I don't know what has going
Speaker 1: on at all, Like what is she actually saying? I'm like,
Speaker 1: why didn't you ask her that? And he'll say something
Speaker 1: like well, she gets upset or annoyed and says, I've
Speaker 1: already told you that. How come I have to keep
Speaker 1: telling you the same thing? How come I have to
Speaker 1: be the one that's always doing everything? How come you
Speaker 1: can't just get this? Yeah? And then I'll ask the woman,
Speaker 1: so you know you were having this conversation. It can
Speaker 1: be around money, sex, housework, parenting, It doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: it is. Usually the conversation that you guys are having
Speaker 1: over and over isn't the real problem, by the way,
Speaker 1: just FYI. So I'll say, so you were supposed to
Speaker 1: have that conversation around intimacy, and she'll say yeah, and
Speaker 1: I go great, So what did you say? And she'll say, well,
Speaker 1: I said that I'd really like to you know that,
Speaker 1: I really because I always teach you know, you have
Speaker 1: to appreciate when you're having conversations, right, So, Hey, I
Speaker 1: really appreciate all of the things you do to move
Speaker 1: our relationship forward, and I love how you always are
Speaker 1: willing to listen to my needs. So what I'd really
Speaker 1: like to talk about today is more intimacy. I just
Speaker 1: feel like I need more intimacy. And when we have
Speaker 1: more intimacy, then I'm able to feel more connected with you,
Speaker 1: and that leads me to want to have more sex
Speaker 1: or feel more turned on. And the guy's like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: got it, got it, got it, okay, good good, right,
Speaker 1: and he's on board. That's the conversation. Now she thinks
Speaker 1: she was clear intimacy. He thinks he's clear. If I
Speaker 1: ask them both to define that word, neither one of
Speaker 1: them are very clear first of all what that word means,
Speaker 1: and second of all how what it means to them
Speaker 1: and what it means to the other person. And so
Speaker 1: then she's upset because she's asked for what she needs.
Speaker 1: He said okay, but nothing changed, no definitive action that
Speaker 1: she sees because she has a certain set of criteria
Speaker 1: about what intimacy means. He understanding his definition of the
Speaker 1: word intimacy based on a guest, based on a last partner,
Speaker 1: based on listening to a podcast with some bro dude,
Speaker 1: I don't know whatever it is. However, we come up
Speaker 1: with these ideas. He's doing things, but because he's not
Speaker 1: doing the exact thing she thinks is it, she doesn't
Speaker 1: recognize the effort at all. So now they're both like.
Speaker 1: He's like, well, I don't know. You know, she wanted
Speaker 1: more intimacy. So I did this and this and this,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, okay, great, did she ask for that? No,
Speaker 1: she just said more intimacy. I'm like, I'll say to hers,
Speaker 1: so you said intimacy, more intimacy, and she's like yes,
Speaker 1: And then he doesn't do a damn thing. He doesn't
Speaker 1: do anything. I don't understand. I'm like, what, I don't
Speaker 1: understand what you mean by intimacy either. So if you said, Tanya,
Speaker 1: I need more intimacy, I'd say cool, all right. And
Speaker 1: if I thought I understood what that meant, or I
Speaker 1: didn't want to look like an idiot, I might just
Speaker 1: go and google it at I don't know, try to
Speaker 1: figure it out. Think I know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1: I don't know, right, But if I'm doing this thing
Speaker 1: and you're not recognizing it, and I'm upset because you're
Speaker 1: not recognizing, you're upset because I don't. You don't think
Speaker 1: I'm doing anything, and we're both actually doing things, why
Speaker 1: now every time I want more romance, I want more connection.
Speaker 1: I want more presence. I want more touching. I want
Speaker 1: more compliments. I want more insert whatever the freaking word housework.
Speaker 1: I don't care, more financial solvency, more safety, safety. I
Speaker 1: need more safety from you. Any word that you are
Speaker 1: sticking in there, if you are, that is vague to me,
Speaker 1: if you are not actually laying down what that looks like.
Speaker 1: So let's take let's take intimacy, she says. I really
Speaker 1: would like to have more intimacy because that would help
Speaker 1: me feel more connected and lead to us having more sex. Okay,
Speaker 1: that sounds clear on her end. It's might even sound
Speaker 1: clear on his end because he heard more sex, which
Speaker 1: is fine, It's not clear. So if I were saying
Speaker 1: that having a conversation with a partner, and I wanted
Speaker 1: more intimacy from my partner, I would say, Hey, I'd
Speaker 1: like to talk about intimacy because I think if we
Speaker 1: have more of it, I'd feel more connected and that
Speaker 1: would lead to me wanting to have more self. So first,
Speaker 1: can we, like, let me define what I mean by intimacy.
Speaker 1: So when I say I want more intimacy, I what
Speaker 1: I mean is that like during the day and not
Speaker 1: just during the day. Let's let's just make it easy,
Speaker 1: like twice a day, seven days a week. I would
Speaker 1: actually like you too, without me saying anything or being
Speaker 1: part of this, text me something sweet about how you
Speaker 1: love me, something that you notice stands out, something personal,
Speaker 1: not just hey babe, you're sexy, but like what makes
Speaker 1: me sexy? Okay, so a couple times a day that'd
Speaker 1: be great. Once a day would still do it, but
Speaker 1: most days, yeah, what if my perfect world twice a day,
Speaker 1: seven days a week forever, that's my perfect world. But
Speaker 1: you know what, nothing is imperfect is perfect in life.
Speaker 1: So but if you're doing that a compliment something you
Speaker 1: thought about, a picture of something you thought I would like,
Speaker 1: something that tells me you are thinking about me in
Speaker 1: a way that's affectionate and or sexual, not overt sexual.
Speaker 1: So not babe, by love your rack, want to bang
Speaker 1: you tonight? That doesn't feel intimate to me. That feels sexual,
Speaker 1: which is different, okay, And then I would say, do
Speaker 1: you have any questions about that? So what did I do?
Speaker 1: Define the word? What it means to me? Give an
Speaker 1: exact like what do I mean by more? I mean
Speaker 1: more is a vague word, Like if you don't ever
Speaker 1: do it, and you do it once a month, I
Speaker 1: may not notice you did it once a month because
Speaker 1: I've been angry for that third twenty nine days that
Speaker 1: it didn't happen, so many things, And you know, then
Speaker 1: people will say to me, well, God, tan, isn't this
Speaker 1: supposed to be spontaneous? Like I feel like I'm creating
Speaker 1: a user's manual. Yeah, I'm fucked to the AA for that.
Speaker 1: Create a user's manual. In fact, use chat GPT and
Speaker 1: help it help you create a user manual about what
Speaker 1: you mean by these words? Yes, what do you mean
Speaker 1: by more? What do you mean by more often? How often?
Speaker 1: What does it mean? Mean? So if I made a
Speaker 1: checklist or a roadmap or a blue trint, and I
Speaker 1: do this, by the way in my relationships, to let
Speaker 1: my partner know exactly what I mean. If I say
Speaker 1: more sex, what does that mean? What does more sex mean?
Speaker 1: Maybe I mean more making out without intercourse? What does
Speaker 1: that look like? I'll define it. I'll define it. I
Speaker 1: love it when we spend some evenings just kissing and
Speaker 1: it doesn't go to intercourse or oral sex, Like we're
Speaker 1: literally just making out maybe dry humping on the couch
Speaker 1: with our clothes on. Love that. Love that? Yeah? Love
Speaker 1: to do that a couple times a month sounds great? Right?
Speaker 1: Do you have to initiate it or do I have
Speaker 1: to do it? Okay, that's another be clear. So women
Speaker 1: don't like to be clear because they feel like if
Speaker 1: they're telling men exactly what they want, women are so complicated.
Speaker 1: First of all, just saying we feel like if we
Speaker 1: tell you what we want, you're doing it because we
Speaker 1: made a checklist and not because you really want to
Speaker 1: do it. That kind of feels like, Oh, you don't
Speaker 1: really want us, you just don't want to be in trouble,
Speaker 1: or you just want more sex, you don't really want
Speaker 1: to make us happy. I mean who Ultimately, if everybody's
Speaker 1: getting what they want, why does it matter? But if
Speaker 1: you keep in mind that the majority of women trade
Speaker 1: on fertility, even if they don't, this is biological. They
Speaker 1: may not even realize it. Women are under the pressure
Speaker 1: to have fertility cues to be sexually desired. That's a
Speaker 1: biological drive. And when we don't feel that way, then
Speaker 1: we lose confidence. Now that doesn't mean that there's other
Speaker 1: things we don't feel confident, but underneath it all, now
Speaker 1: you say, well, great, Tanya, I'm hard for every morning,
Speaker 1: I'm grabbing her ass every time I go by. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's fine, And that's not the way women all receive
Speaker 1: that information because of society, childhood programming. It's complicated just
Speaker 1: saying so understanding what makes a woman feel sexy or desired? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that needs to be spelled out too. If I say
Speaker 1: to a partner, hey, you know what makes me feel
Speaker 1: really sexy is when you do X, Y Z, A,
Speaker 1: B C D. Make a list. I'll make a list.
Speaker 1: I'll make a list and say, here, here's a list
Speaker 1: of things you can do that make me feel sexy.
Speaker 1: And it might be as simple as putting your hand
Speaker 1: on the small of my back when we're walking somewhere.
Speaker 1: These don't have to be complicated. But if you're getting
Speaker 1: what I'm laying down, you're starting to see how vague
Speaker 1: most people's conversation is. It's not that they're not communicating
Speaker 1: or stating things, just so vague about it. Nobody knows
Speaker 1: if they're winning, nobody knows if they're checking it off.
Speaker 1: If I said it would really I would really love it.
Speaker 1: If you made dinner four nights a week. Okay, that's specific.
Speaker 1: Not I'd like it if you helped out more with dinner.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Chop the lettuce. I don't know.
Speaker 1: So if I made dinner, and what I mean by
Speaker 1: making dinner, see, I'd break it down even more. And
Speaker 1: what I mean by making dinner is I did not
Speaker 1: grocery shop, prepare, do a damn thing. So four days,
Speaker 1: it's four nights a week. It's your thing. You plan it,
Speaker 1: don't ask me what I want, plan it, cook it,
Speaker 1: shop for it, clean up for it, do all of
Speaker 1: the things that would be awesome. Now you know exactly
Speaker 1: what I mean by you do dinner four nights a week.
Speaker 1: It's clear. Now I'm willing to write it down because
Speaker 1: if you came back to me, because we rarely just
Speaker 1: here something one and make it happen. I mean, we're
Speaker 1: busy people with lots of stuff on our mind. But
Speaker 1: if I actually created you a checklist and you were like,
Speaker 1: oh cool, I got a checklist. Now I don't have
Speaker 1: to think about it. I love checklist forsell. But yeah,
Speaker 1: put it up there and go. It's not romantic, but hey,
Speaker 1: put it up there and go. When she says four
Speaker 1: nights a week dinner, it means that. Yeah. So then
Speaker 1: you'll have a woman go did I say women are complicated?
Speaker 1: And then a woman will say, well, why do you
Speaker 1: need a checklist to give me more intimacy? Come on, ladies.
Speaker 1: If there's a woman listening to this, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Speaker 1: If a man is going out of his way and
Speaker 1: he actually made a checklist or you made one for him,
Speaker 1: and he's willing to look at that to make sure
Speaker 1: he's hitting all the marks that you need. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: he does it long enough, he probably won't have to
Speaker 1: look at the checklist anymore. You know, he's already trying.
Speaker 1: Most men that are with women are trying. They are
Speaker 1: trying their best communication without vague this is important. I'm
Speaker 1: on your side, guys. Okay, so maybe we need a
Speaker 1: check closet. Okay, that doesn't sound romantic. No, but like, okay,
Speaker 1: if it makes things better, like you're getting your needs met,
Speaker 1: then it is better. Now, if you're one of those
Speaker 1: women who says, if the man loved me enough, cared
Speaker 1: about me enough, wanted to please me enough, like somehow
Speaker 1: he would just automatically download my user's manual and never
Speaker 1: need a conversation about anything to make me happy. Wow,
Speaker 1: holy crap. If you are a man out there that
Speaker 1: can do that, hot damn, I'm going to tell you
Speaker 1: right now, create a custom AI chatbot of yourself. There
Speaker 1: are some men that are closed. I have been with
Speaker 1: men that are so close to perfect it's literally insane, right, Like,
Speaker 1: how in the world do they know all of that
Speaker 1: so well? It always blows my mind. And you know
Speaker 1: who knows what that is? Usually it's the way they
Speaker 1: were raised, or the things that they think are prioritizing important.
Speaker 1: Like one man thinks that making sure he goes to
Speaker 1: work every day and makes that money and it doesn't
Speaker 1: spend it, puts it in the joint account is the priority.
Speaker 1: Some men will go, oh, romance, you know, romance is
Speaker 1: the priority. Maybe they're not prioritizing the finances as high.
Speaker 1: Some guys will be like, oh, the house being cleaned,
Speaker 1: that's the priority, right there, Romance a second. I don't
Speaker 1: know everybody's different, but one thing I do know is
Speaker 1: that vague conversations lead to frustration on everybody's part. Everybody's part,
Speaker 1: everybody's part. Right now. This isn't just, of course, women
Speaker 1: having vague conversations with men. This can be men having
Speaker 1: vague conversations with women because men have never thought about
Speaker 1: what they actually need. So a man might say to
Speaker 1: his partner, I just need more sex. No, here's something
Speaker 1: that's really important that men don't talk about. I need
Speaker 1: to feel desired sexually. Okay hmm. So if a man said,
Speaker 1: and I didn't know better, I was having vague conversations
Speaker 1: and my partner said, I need to feel more desired sexually,
Speaker 1: I've never had a man that had to tell me that.
Speaker 1: But let's say he did, I would say, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I do have desire for you, so that's not really
Speaker 1: what he's saying. Well, he's looking for a set of actions. Hey, babe,
Speaker 1: I would love to feel more sexual desire from you,
Speaker 1: or that you thought I was sexy. I would say, oh, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: because maybe I thought that I was already doing that.
Speaker 1: So instead of getting defensive, I would say, okay, great,
Speaker 1: So can you tell me some of the things that
Speaker 1: if I did, you would feel that way? And might
Speaker 1: he may just go wow, nobody's ever asked me that before.
Speaker 1: I don't really know. I don't know hm. And if
Speaker 1: he doesn't know, then it's a conversation like, well, let's
Speaker 1: talk about it or have you Do you remember a
Speaker 1: time when you felt that way and a guy might go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: what was happening or what was going on? Oh? You
Speaker 1: know that one time when we were in bed, you know,
Speaker 1: we woke up in the morning and you got out
Speaker 1: of bed, but then you turned around and looked at me.
Speaker 1: I was kind of half in and out of the sheets.
Speaker 1: You looked at me, and all of a sudden you
Speaker 1: had to jump back in bed and kiss me and
Speaker 1: grab me and tell me how sexy I was that
Speaker 1: something like that, and the woman might say, oh, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: but if I do that, then I'm worried that that
Speaker 1: means you're gonna have sex with me, and then I
Speaker 1: have to worry about what time it is. See, so
Speaker 1: there might be a reason, and then you can say no, no, no,
Speaker 1: just even doing that saying I gotta go and getting up,
Speaker 1: that's going to make me happy. So if you're holding
Speaker 1: back grabbing my butt or telling me I'm hot, or
Speaker 1: if you're holding back for many of those types of
Speaker 1: things because you're worried that that always leads to sex,
Speaker 1: and then you don't want to disappoint me or feel
Speaker 1: guilty that you don't have time for it or you're
Speaker 1: not into it. Well that's important. No, this is a
Speaker 1: non vague conversation. Hopefully that's helpful. And she could say, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like if I go by and grab your ass,
Speaker 1: kiss you, tell you how sexy you are. The automatically yep,
Speaker 1: you're gonna grab me, and you think I just said
Speaker 1: let's go have sex. So let's be clear. If I
Speaker 1: grab you, maybe I'm just going to drop down on
Speaker 1: my knees and take you in my mouth for two
Speaker 1: minutes before I gotta go. I want to be able
Speaker 1: to do that. I want to be able to tell
Speaker 1: you how sexy hot whatever you are, jumping the shower
Speaker 1: for you, grab you, whatever. But I want it to
Speaker 1: be an event in itself. I do not want it
Speaker 1: to have the expectation that it goes somewhere, or I'll
Speaker 1: do less of it. So as a man, you might
Speaker 1: be going, oh, oh, okay, all right, So then what
Speaker 1: does look like you're grabbing me because you want it
Speaker 1: to go to someplace here? Remember, let's not be vague.
Speaker 1: And she said, well, I'll tell you what. I promise
Speaker 1: you that if I grab you or look at you sultry,
Speaker 1: or take my shirt off or anything, that I will
Speaker 1: tell you exactly what I want to happen. So if
Speaker 1: I come up to you and I nuzzle behind you
Speaker 1: and say, hey, baby, you are just so hot, and
Speaker 1: I slide my hands down your body, and the next
Speaker 1: thing I'm going to say is, man, I hope this
Speaker 1: leads to what I want. Okay, game on clear Now,
Speaker 1: as a man, you could be going and what is
Speaker 1: it exactly that you want, and that's okay to say, well, babe,
Speaker 1: I can't wait for you to tell me exactly what
Speaker 1: it is you want. Now we're having a hot conversation, right,
Speaker 1: use your words. Everybody can use their words in a
Speaker 1: sexy way, just saying it's all right to do that. Okay,
Speaker 1: what else can be vague? I need more? I just
Speaker 1: need you to talk to me more. Woman says, just
Speaker 1: talk to me more. And you're like, dude, I like,
Speaker 1: I talked my nine hundred words out today. There's this
Speaker 1: I don't can't remember what the number is now. But women,
Speaker 1: you know, are thousands of words a day and men
Speaker 1: are way less than that a day. And so you
Speaker 1: might be like, I feel like I talk to you
Speaker 1: all day long. She's not just saying talk blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. Or maybe she is. Maybe this
Speaker 1: blows my mind. When you come home, she literally wants
Speaker 1: you to say, hey, honey, how is your day to day,
Speaker 1: and then look at her while she tells you five
Speaker 1: or ten minutes of what happened during her day. Maybe
Speaker 1: that's what actually wants. So let's find out. Let's not
Speaker 1: be vague. Hey, mabe, I need you to talk to
Speaker 1: me more. Okay, if I said that to my partner,
Speaker 1: it would sound like this. I'd notice that we do
Speaker 1: a lot of kind of surface level talking. We talk
Speaker 1: about our day, we talk about some of the problems,
Speaker 1: we talk about our plans, what's coming up, what's going on,
Speaker 1: stuff like that. And I really appreciate that we check in.
Speaker 1: That feels like checking into me, like we're just keeping
Speaker 1: each other informed of what's going on. What I'm missing
Speaker 1: is deeper conversation. So let me tell you what I
Speaker 1: mean by that. Like we're sitting there on the couch,
Speaker 1: we start talking about you know, let's say, you know,
Speaker 1: problem or having a work and it ends up that
Speaker 1: you don't feel like you're really you know, feel like
Speaker 1: you're getting any traction at work. Right, So, Len, now
Speaker 1: I want to take that conversation and go deeper with that.
Speaker 1: What does that look like? Well, you know, I might say,
Speaker 1: so when you feel like you're not getting that traction,
Speaker 1: you're being overlooked or things like that, what's going on
Speaker 1: with that? Like? How does that affect you? Really? And
Speaker 1: so now some men are groaning because they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I get it. Feeling conversations lock that Okay, some women
Speaker 1: feel that way too. But when a woman says deeper conversation,
Speaker 1: she typically means she wants to go deeper into a
Speaker 1: subject or a topic and discuss the nuances and our feelings. Now,
Speaker 1: you don't need to be her girlfriend that hears every
Speaker 1: single thing that she ever wants to talk about. But
Speaker 1: the majority of women want their partner to be that person.
Speaker 1: They can fighte in that person that they tell the
Speaker 1: things they're scared of, that they go deeper with, and
Speaker 1: they want their partners typically to tell them those things too,
Speaker 1: because in a woman's world, typically that's called intimacy. That's
Speaker 1: where you are literally going deep with things that could
Speaker 1: be scary, potentially loaded things like that. But she still
Speaker 1: need to ask her because she may not mean that
Speaker 1: at all. She may be like, I don't want my
Speaker 1: man being all in a feeling space. Screw that, go
Speaker 1: out and chop some wood that is making me feel great.
Speaker 1: When you're walking in here with your arms full of wood,
Speaker 1: dropping that down in that perfect triangle, That's what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. Okay, Yes, absolutely, there are definitely times when
Speaker 1: I would rather see my man bringing in wood from
Speaker 1: outside than talking deeply about why he feels like being
Speaker 1: passed over at work is emasculating him. How do you know,
Speaker 1: as a woman who's complicated, I make sure everybody's clear
Speaker 1: about what I'm saying, because otherwise, how you gonna know?
Speaker 1: Nobody's a mind reader. You shouldn't have to be. Don't
Speaker 1: try to be. So how can you help more men
Speaker 1: than women? Listen to this show? It's kind of interesting,
Speaker 1: but yeah, go figure that. How can you help your
Speaker 1: partner when they're vague, and if you're a woman, stop
Speaker 1: being vague. How can we help each other to have
Speaker 1: more understanding? If you feel like you somebody says something
Speaker 1: to you, I'm playing the man here. My partner says
Speaker 1: to me, Hey, I really need to have more non
Speaker 1: sexual affectionate touching, affectionate, non sexual touching. Okay, those are
Speaker 1: all words, affection non sexual touching. I think we understand
Speaker 1: the words, but do we so as a man? If
Speaker 1: my partner said I need more more, first of all,
Speaker 1: doesn't define how much that is in their mind? Non sexual? Okay,
Speaker 1: got it? What does sexual mean in this context? Affectionate?
Speaker 1: Let me really understand that touch, Let me understand that
Speaker 1: part There are four pieces right there that I want
Speaker 1: to know more about. So I would say, great, hell,
Speaker 1: let's talk about this. Maybe I need to you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm actually going to take notes? I might do that.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with taking notes if I'm serious about
Speaker 1: understanding somebody, because that means I can jot down things
Speaker 1: while they're talking and remember things that I want to
Speaker 1: have a question about. Huh wait, you know we do
Speaker 1: it for everything except our most important things, our relationships.
Speaker 1: We take notes on everything. You could even drop your
Speaker 1: You could just say hang on a second and turn
Speaker 1: on your ordered dot AI and that'll transcribe it for
Speaker 1: you later. Nothing wrong with that. Okay, what do you mean?
Speaker 1: First of all, let's let's figure out what affectionate means. Okay,
Speaker 1: I think we all understand that word, but maybe we don't.
Speaker 1: So I would say, hey, honey, I got some questions
Speaker 1: about this. So I understand the overview that you want
Speaker 1: to have more non sexual affectionate touching, right, or affectionate
Speaker 1: non sexual touching. Right, that's the overview, And my partner
Speaker 1: affirms that, yes, great, I have some questions. Cool, they're
Speaker 1: gonna say awesome. Hopefully if they don't say awesome, they're
Speaker 1: not very they're not very clear about how helping you
Speaker 1: out or getting what they need. You could say, okay,
Speaker 1: so let's define the thing. So touching, meaning it sounds obvious,
Speaker 1: But are you saying like touching as in random touching,
Speaker 1: spontaneous touching? Because you know there are times when you
Speaker 1: want to be touched, but there are times you don't
Speaker 1: want to be touched. So what does that look like?
Speaker 1: Now that'd be back on me. I'm saying, you know what,
Speaker 1: You're right. Yeah, you're right, because I'm saying more and
Speaker 1: spontaneity and spontaneous and these types of things. But the
Speaker 1: reality is, if I'm busy doing this and you touch me,
Speaker 1: I usually go stop touching me. And it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: what you're doing. It could be sexual and not sexual.
Speaker 1: I just stop touching me. Okay, So maybe I need
Speaker 1: a pen and paper here too when I get out,
Speaker 1: or we were recording this on autumn, we can both
Speaker 1: look at it later, which is okay. I'm going to
Speaker 1: say things like, oh, well, you're right. So if I'm
Speaker 1: sitting at my computer, I'm on the phone, I'm cooking dinner,
Speaker 1: I'm doing dude, do do do do? I'm listing all
Speaker 1: the times when I don't want you to touch me
Speaker 1: at all for any reason. Okay, I could list those
Speaker 1: awesome Okay, now it's a narrow window. You know. It's uh,
Speaker 1: not what I'm trying to get dressed, not what I'm
Speaker 1: trying to get ready, not to take it. I'm realizing
Speaker 1: by saying this, how few moments there may be for
Speaker 1: you to execute what I'm missing. So this is helping
Speaker 1: me too. So now I've got that narrow window. Okay,
Speaker 1: Now let's define the kind of touch right, And I
Speaker 1: know this sounds complicated, but once you get this figured out,
Speaker 1: then it just leads to more satisfaction. So non sexual
Speaker 1: affectionate touching means well, number one, the woman is saying,
Speaker 1: I don't want the touch to lead to any gilt,
Speaker 1: pouting or the expectation of sex. That's what to me.
Speaker 1: Affectionate means you're holding my hand, you are kissing my cheek,
Speaker 1: you put a hand on my shoulder, when you walk by,
Speaker 1: a hug. That's thirty seconds or a minute. You just
Speaker 1: list so then you just can list and everybody can
Speaker 1: list down these things that look like that great awesome.
Speaker 1: Now we're getting clarity. So it's not expectation. The touch
Speaker 1: is these types of things on these types of the body,
Speaker 1: and maybe what I really need is more of the
Speaker 1: hold my hand. We sit side by side on the couch.
Speaker 1: Now we're curl both curled up in opposite directions and
Speaker 1: our feet are touching. Maybe that's good. I just need
Speaker 1: a body part touching yours when we're close. Awesome. Now
Speaker 1: clarity is starting to come, right. How easy is it
Speaker 1: to you know? Or I just want to lay in
Speaker 1: your arms? But I don't now want it to turn
Speaker 1: into sex when I do that. Oh, my head in
Speaker 1: your lap, but I'm not going to the other space.
Speaker 1: Got it right, don't be pushing my head. Clarity, And
Speaker 1: now let's define more. Okay, we've defined the kind of touch,
Speaker 1: the things that could be done, the times not to
Speaker 1: do it, what it actually means more? What does more
Speaker 1: actually mean is that every day and I think both
Speaker 1: people should aim for their perfect thing and then aim
Speaker 1: for their minimum requirement. Like if you ask a man,
Speaker 1: most men that I've talked to say they would have
Speaker 1: sex twice three times a day if they could. Now
Speaker 1: I've done data tested that I've never found a man
Speaker 1: that can do that for long. Just doesn't happen. He
Speaker 1: thinks that way only because usually sex is something has
Speaker 1: to work so hard for. But in a perfect world,
Speaker 1: let's say that were the case. Great, write down your
Speaker 1: perfect world, then write down your minimum requirement. Would still
Speaker 1: be happy if it was once a week, got three
Speaker 1: times a day my perfect world, once a week something
Speaker 1: that I would still be happy with. Whatever, Maybe it's
Speaker 1: once a month, it doesn't really matter. So when we're
Speaker 1: talking about more or how often, let's get clear. And
Speaker 1: then once you have that clarity, if you're doing it
Speaker 1: once a week and it's actually happening, you may find
Speaker 1: out that, wow, you know what, this is so awesome,
Speaker 1: Let's do it. Try it twice a week. Whatever it is, so,
Speaker 1: be clear, be clear, be clear? Can I say that
Speaker 1: one more time without being vague? I hope this conversation
Speaker 1: was helpful. You know that I love love, love to
Speaker 1: hear from anybody that is listening to this show. You
Speaker 1: can email me at any time. You can definitely get
Speaker 1: on a you know, an introductory coaching call and run
Speaker 1: by your specific problems. If you're following me on Facebook,
Speaker 1: you can messenger me and say, hey, you know you
Speaker 1: haven't talked about this particular issue. Love to hear more
Speaker 1: about that issue, please do so. And if you really
Speaker 1: want to dive deep and have some fun, feel free
Speaker 1: to say I love to be a guest on your call.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? I want to be a guest
Speaker 1: on your call? That could mean like You're willing to
Speaker 1: just have a conversation and I'm going to coach you
Speaker 1: through it. Think about how many people you help. We
Speaker 1: don't have to use your real name. If you don't
Speaker 1: want to notice that this podcast is not visual, that
Speaker 1: might be changing. I keep thinking of changing. Do you
Speaker 1: have an idea about that too? If you're like, yes, Tanya,
Speaker 1: I want to see the visuals on this because you
Speaker 1: talk about stuff but you don't like it'd be more
Speaker 1: helpful if I could see it, then let me know
Speaker 1: that and I will definitely consider that. Okay, that is
Speaker 1: it for today. Thank you so much. Hoping to lay
Speaker 1: more and more value, find out more interesting things that
Speaker 1: you want to know, and stay tuned. Four more and
Speaker 1: we're out.