WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:06.839 Welcome to the two seventeen Recovering Broadcast. If you don't 2 00:00:06.839 --> 00:00:12.240 make mistakes, you don't learn. With your host Corey Winfield, 3 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:14.080 you know how you know fish is bad if you 4 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.719 can't put it on pizza and special guests Justin Burke 5 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:21.719 um Nail totally does not dictate the movie at all. 6 00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:26.440 Jesse Smoker. I called the string and take the Tama 7 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:29.879 Mitchell O'Brien, he goes you record new o sleep big. 8 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:33.240 I was like nope, and goes Winfield dead. You got 9 00:00:33.240 --> 00:00:34.439 this terror in his eyes. 10 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:39.640 And I was like nope, and then he's like it 11 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:40.200 was stoke. 12 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:43.119 Here got your wat. 13 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:47.600 It is the eighteenth of December twenty twenty four. My 14 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:50.119 name is Cory Winfield, and none of those people on 15 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:51.200 the podcast today. 16 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:53.600 It's just the button I hit for the open and 17 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:54.840 that's what you get. 18 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:59.159 Jesse Smoker actually is in the building today, but my 19 00:00:59.240 --> 00:01:02.960 guests in the studio it's Tim go out. 20 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:04.480 Do you mind if I use your last name? 21 00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:05.599 No, that's fine. 22 00:01:05.640 --> 00:01:06.439 So how you doing today? 23 00:01:06.439 --> 00:01:06.719 Pretty? 24 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:08.079 How are you doing well? Man? 25 00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:10.040 We're having a little holiday party here at the office 26 00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:13.120 and you came in to partake in the festivities. We 27 00:01:13.239 --> 00:01:16.480 got some meatballs and some sandwiches, some cookies. There's a 28 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:18.799 meeting going on right now. I think you didn't want 29 00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:19.439 to interrupt it. 30 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:21.359 No, No, I knows the doors closed. 31 00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:24.519 Yeah, well because it's a dharma meeting and you're familiar 32 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:27.079 with those, and they do like meditation at the beginning. 33 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:29.480 And I had to go out there because actually, yes, 34 00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:31.400 he came in and he saw all the food and he. 35 00:01:31.400 --> 00:01:33.159 Was just like hell, yeah, well I'm talking. 36 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:36.599 He was at level twelve outside level twelve, you know, 37 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:39.480 and we're inside of needing it too. Yeah, and the 38 00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:40.840 meeting room is right there, So I had to go 39 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:42.640 out there. I'm like, hey, guys, there's a meeting going on. 40 00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:44.840 They're like what. I was like, there's a meeting going on. 41 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:47.040 They're like, oh, there's a meeting. 42 00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:50.879 I was like, I appreciate the excitement, that's how cool 43 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:52.359 and all, but like you got to bring it down 44 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:55.040 to inside voices though. But because they didn't know, you know, 45 00:01:55.079 --> 00:01:58.040 they were just excited the holiday food and it just 46 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:00.680 brings out the best in people sometimes, you know, just 47 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:03.000 the Christmases next week, do you have big plans. 48 00:02:03.640 --> 00:02:05.920 I'm going to Cadillact spend the time with my family. 49 00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:07.439 Gonna go to my dad's and I'm gonna go to 50 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:08.159 my mom's. 51 00:02:08.360 --> 00:02:10.439 Okay. Is that where you grew up? Cadillact? Yeah, yep, 52 00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:12.680 you graduated from high school there? 53 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:14.840 Yep? Sure did How many people were. 54 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:16.400 In your graduating class? Ballpark? 55 00:02:16.439 --> 00:02:16.479 It? 56 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:20.319 Three hundred? Maybe it's a big ass school. M M. 57 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:23.639 Maybe a little less, Okay, it's pretty I mean it's 58 00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:24.360 pretty big. 59 00:02:24.280 --> 00:02:27.000 Well bigger than my school. Who was the class clown? 60 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:29.080 Did you guys have to vote for that? 61 00:02:29.639 --> 00:02:29.840 Oh? 62 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:30.879 I'm sure we did. 63 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:34.479 I don't know though, were you not active in school 64 00:02:34.520 --> 00:02:36.879 stuff or just like, hey, I went there, did my work. 65 00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:38.439 And no I got voted best smile? 66 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:42.080 Okay, there you go. Yeah, and you were in school? 67 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:46.800 Were you part of the the sport guys, the book club, 68 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:49.719 the drama club, the fire with everybody? 69 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:52.199 No, I really didn't do any like extra creakers like that. 70 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:56.120 I took for we did foreign language and stuff, you know, 71 00:02:56.199 --> 00:02:57.599 for a language week and things like that. 72 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:03.960 But see we oh you know French, Oh my god, dang, bro. 73 00:03:04.439 --> 00:03:05.759 No, I was friends with everybody. 74 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:06.319 Okay. 75 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:09.199 And is that when you started partying, because you're a 76 00:03:09.240 --> 00:03:14.599 person in recovery, and is that when the partying started 77 00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:16.240 or what did you? 78 00:03:16.240 --> 00:03:22.080 So, my my drug use started with like marijuana drinking occasionally. 79 00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:26.120 It wasn't really like school related like a lot of people's, 80 00:03:26.159 --> 00:03:31.719 you know, Mine was kind of like more at outside 81 00:03:31.719 --> 00:03:32.199 of school. 82 00:03:33.280 --> 00:03:35.039 Yeah, well, I mean that's why I did it most 83 00:03:35.039 --> 00:03:37.080 of my I don't think I drink much in school. 84 00:03:37.240 --> 00:03:38.840 Well no, I mean like more of my. 85 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:40.719 Personal like after you graduated. 86 00:03:41.319 --> 00:03:44.800 No, I mean like home life kind of you know diuse. 87 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:47.719 Your parents are divorced. You mentioned, yeah, without mentioning it, 88 00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:48.240 but you did. 89 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:48.759 Yeah. 90 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:50.599 I don't know if they wanted to be put on blast, 91 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:51.120 but they are. 92 00:03:51.400 --> 00:03:52.520 Yeah, No, they're divorced. Yeah. 93 00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:54.479 I don't know why they couldn't make it work, but 94 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:55.039 they couldn't. 95 00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:58.280 No, that's okay. Sometimes people just need to. 96 00:03:58.680 --> 00:04:03.039 But sometimes like because having it, do you have a stepfather, stepmother, 97 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:04.280 so I'm adopted? 98 00:04:04.319 --> 00:04:07.360 I had my my mom is my mom, and then 99 00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:10.360 her second husband adopted my sister and I sister me. 100 00:04:11.560 --> 00:04:14.159 Because that can throw a wrench to a lot of 101 00:04:14.479 --> 00:04:19.759 people's psyche, and it's hard to address it because you 102 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:21.439 just think, well, that's what happened, and that's fine, and 103 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:22.680 that's how I grew up, and this is where it's 104 00:04:22.680 --> 00:04:26.439 supposed to be okay, this way it's happening. But to 105 00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:29.199 actually go through the emotions of it all, and you know, 106 00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:32.439 being adopted, does that bring any kind of like, oh, 107 00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:34.680 I wasn't wanted or because I'm not adopted, I don't 108 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:35.199 know these things. 109 00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:38.279 No, you know, I mean, you know, growing up there's 110 00:04:38.279 --> 00:04:41.959 always that sense of like, you know, our real dad 111 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:43.800 didn't want anything to do with us, this and that. 112 00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:46.959 But you know what comes along with recovery is you 113 00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:50.199 learn that addiction isn't a you know, it's not a choice. 114 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:53.920 It's a disease. And our our biological dad is an alcoholic. 115 00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:54.560 Okay. 116 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.079 So you know, I remember being very little on my 117 00:04:57.079 --> 00:04:59.079 grandma telling me like, you know, he's sick. 118 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:01.519 It's not that he doesn't love you, he's just sick. 119 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:04.079 You know. I accepted that then. 120 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:05.639 And then once I got older and you know, became 121 00:05:05.680 --> 00:05:08.480 an adict myself and learned about the ins and outs 122 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:12.160 of it, you know, it became you know, it wasn't 123 00:05:12.199 --> 00:05:15.360 as a devastating blow, you know what I mean, it 124 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:16.600 kind of softened. 125 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:22.759 It, like, Okay, Well that's good to know for people 126 00:05:22.759 --> 00:05:24.360 out there listening, because they might be like, hey, he's 127 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:28.639 struggling through some of the same stuff. But back to 128 00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:31.079 the outside of schools, at the family life and stuff 129 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:34.560 like that. Like I used the drinking to like fit in, 130 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:39.120 Like I didn't want to be known as someone who 131 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:41.079 wasn't cool, you know, Like I wanted to fit in. 132 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:42.639 I wanted to make people laugh. And that's why I 133 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:44.519 started making people laugh, you know. I was just like, hey, 134 00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:46.879 I can make people laugh, and that makes me cool, 135 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:49.079 you know. But then like we go to a party, 136 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:50.680 and of course I would want to drink, you know, 137 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.079 and because all the other cool kids were doing it, yeah, 138 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:55.480 I need to drink too, And it just kind of 139 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:57.439 became a thing before I knew it. I was drinking 140 00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:59.360 because it was Friday. I was drinking because it was Sunday. 141 00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:01.399 I was drinking little football, the Cubs weren I mean, 142 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:04.160 whatever it was, there was always drinking involved. 143 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:06.480 And it was a very slippery slope for me. But 144 00:06:06.519 --> 00:06:07.720 your drug of choice wasn't. 145 00:06:07.560 --> 00:06:11.240 Alcohol, No, No, It started with I think the first 146 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:14.319 drug outside of marijuana that de abused was probably viking 147 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:19.160 in then adderall and then meth okay, and then was 148 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:21.879 I found math. It was you know, nothing else mattered, 149 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:23.120 so Yeah. 150 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:25.600 Some people will say, oh, but I'm just going to 151 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:28.279 drink now, because that wasn't my thing. I'm just going 152 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:30.839 to smoke some weed because it's legal now here in Michigan. 153 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.360 And yeah, that's fine. My doctor gave to me because 154 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:35.319 my back hurt. They'll make some excuse. 155 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:35.279 Up, you know. 156 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:38.160 Yeah, absolutely, And I always. 157 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:40.720 Say to them because I tried it too, Oh I'll 158 00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:43.000 just smoke weed. I'll just do that. It was never 159 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:46.319 good enough for what my brain had already been like boom, yeah, 160 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:49.439 stamp approved. This is what I need, which for me 161 00:06:49.560 --> 00:06:51.920 was alcohol. So you're saying the same thing, just a 162 00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:53.240 different drug of choice. 163 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:53.639 Yeah. 164 00:06:53.720 --> 00:06:55.480 You know, there's been times where I've gone to treatment 165 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:58.000 and thought to myself, oh, when I hit a year clean, 166 00:06:58.040 --> 00:07:03.000 I'll smoke some weed because it's not dangerous. But for me, 167 00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:05.439 I know that it wouldn't be enough. And the second 168 00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:08.240 I smoke weed, my clean time's gone. So why not 169 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:09.199 put a needle in my arm? 170 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:09.759 You know? 171 00:07:09.800 --> 00:07:11.040 And that's kind of where I'm at today. 172 00:07:11.639 --> 00:07:14.199 But you're in recovery. When you say you're in recovery, man, 173 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:17.240 I don't know what. And those people can live their life, 174 00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:19.120 how are they want? But for me because I just 175 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:22.040 had six years the other day, and gradually I put 176 00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:24.879 on there that you know, today, mark's my six years sober. 177 00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:27.240 And somebody was like, though it's supposed to be you're 178 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:29.279 in recovery when you say you are. I didn't respond 179 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:32.079 to him because you just kind of trolled me a 180 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:36.240 little bit, trying to troll me and whatever people want 181 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:38.319 to believe, do what you need to do. But I'm 182 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:41.160 just saying for me, I once was of the mindset 183 00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:43.160 of all smoke weed. You don't know, but every time 184 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:45.319 I would smoke weed, it would let my guard down 185 00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:47.680 and then I would think, well, just a half pint's fine, 186 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:50.319 but I can't even drink a drop. I can't do 187 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:53.199 a shot. Like it's not enough for me. My brain 188 00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:55.680 will I want more? Yeah, you know, And I think 189 00:07:55.800 --> 00:07:58.399 what you said too is the same thing. You know, 190 00:07:58.439 --> 00:08:01.920 like your brain is going to bemediately want more because 191 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:04.360 it's not what you're wanting. It might be cool a 192 00:08:04.439 --> 00:08:07.000 couple of days, Sure, you do it here there, but 193 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:10.360 in the long run, why would you take that risk 194 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:13.360 of baiting yourself, setting yourself up for a trap? 195 00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:14.480 Yeah? 196 00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:17.399 Yeah, And for me, a lot of what my addiction 197 00:08:17.560 --> 00:08:21.319 is is also sex. So I know last year, after 198 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:23.480 I left treatment and went to the tea house and relapsed, 199 00:08:24.040 --> 00:08:26.639 that started with sex and it just. 200 00:08:26.600 --> 00:08:30.560 Opened the door to doing math. So it's been a 201 00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:31.839 long road trying to separate too. 202 00:08:32.279 --> 00:08:35.039 But oh, because you mean the two together were just. 203 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:37.519 Yeah, so I can probably count on one hand the 204 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:40.840 amount of times I've ever had sex without math, you 205 00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:43.679 know what I mean, Because definitely today, like where I 206 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:45.240 am in my recovery, like if you were to offer 207 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:47.399 me sex, it's it's offering me math. It's the same 208 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:50.039 thing for me because they're so intertwined. So it's been 209 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:53.799 a lot of working with my therapist to try and 210 00:08:53.960 --> 00:08:56.600 unravel those two because one is a basic human need. 211 00:08:56.840 --> 00:08:58.639 The other is you know, it's okay to say I 212 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:01.360 can never do drugs again. It's probab probably not realistic 213 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:03.559 to say that I'm never going to not have sex again. 214 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.480 Right, and maybe and I don't know how your therapist 215 00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:09.879 brings it up like this or maybe they do, maybe 216 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:12.440 they don't, but just finding that person to have that 217 00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:16.440 intimate relationship with as opposed to just like hey, let's 218 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:17.679 look up, you're hot, you know. 219 00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:20.000 Right, Yeah, And that's terrifying to me the idea of 220 00:09:20.759 --> 00:09:24.639 you know, like romantic intimacy, Like I can be into 221 00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:26.480 like this conversation, I can be intimate, I can be 222 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:28.600 intimate with the guys in the house, you know, like 223 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:29.159 in rehab. 224 00:09:29.240 --> 00:09:29.399 You know. 225 00:09:29.600 --> 00:09:33.480 I love that, you know, developing that relationship you know, 226 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:35.159 on a deeper level like that. But when it comes 227 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:40.519 to romance or anything like that, it's that's terrifying. 228 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.279 Yeah, well because you haven't done it. 229 00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:45.200 No, yeah, exactly, it's all foreign. 230 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:47.639 If I was the fly a plane today, everybody'd be 231 00:09:47.720 --> 00:09:49.679 terrified first of all. Yeah, but I'll be terrified, so 232 00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:51.360 I don't want to help I'm doing yeah. 233 00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:51.320 You know. 234 00:09:51.480 --> 00:09:54.240 And that's just because you got to get that under 235 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:56.120 your belt, which you could look at like, oh my god, 236 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:57.759 that's the scariest thing, or you could look at it 237 00:09:57.759 --> 00:09:58.399 as exciting. 238 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:01.399 Yeah, yes, true, Like. 239 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:03.679 You're gonna get to experience this one day, tim Yeah, 240 00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:05.120 and it's gonna be magical and you're gonna be like, 241 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:08.120 oh my god, that's what it's about. Yeah, and you're 242 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:12.279 gonna have so much more appreciation for it. And I 243 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:14.120 can't wait for you to get there because it will happen, right, 244 00:10:14.200 --> 00:10:15.759 you know, You're gonna meet that person and it's going 245 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:17.679 to be special and you're just it's gonna blow your mind. 246 00:10:17.720 --> 00:10:19.840 You can be like, oh my god, like that's what 247 00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:20.279 that is. 248 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:22.799 Yep, that's what it's like, waking up next to somebody, 249 00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:26.039 you know, like it'll be special and you'll love it. Yeah, 250 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:28.559 you know, so just wait for it, you know, don't 251 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:31.600 pull yourself out. And obviously you don't want to do 252 00:10:31.639 --> 00:10:33.799 that because that does lead to other stuff too. 253 00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:35.639 And yeah, I know because and that's also a big, 254 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:39.679 big part of my addiction story, is that very thing. 255 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:43.440 So well, I'm rooting for you, Tim, Thank you. So 256 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:45.879 I'd like to hire you one day too until seventeen recovery. 257 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:46.960 I think you'd be great man. 258 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:49.080 Yeah, well, you know I went and got that uh 259 00:10:49.480 --> 00:10:52.639 that nimbsas training done and they got my chauffeur's license. 260 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:56.759 I'm working on it obviously. 261 00:10:57.080 --> 00:11:00.200 Yeah, take me minute to find that drop is going 262 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:05.600 to hit a different one first. But yeah, the plans 263 00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:10.360 that you have for your future seemed bright. You know, 264 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:12.960 you don't know exactly what they hold. Does that bother you? 265 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:15.000 You know, you don't know exactly what's coming down the road. 266 00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:20.200 I think that it's uh you know, because I just 267 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:22.159 in a few days, I'll have eat months clean and 268 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:24.039 that'll be the most clean time I've ever had. So 269 00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:30.399 anything beyond Thursday, it's like or Friday is like a 270 00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:34.919 you know, uncharted territory for me. So as long as 271 00:11:34.919 --> 00:11:37.399 I continue on the path and the trajectory that I'm on, 272 00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:41.240 I'm confident that the unknown, you know. 273 00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:47.320 What's to come, is going to be good for me. Yeah, 274 00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:48.360 I just can't. 275 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:51.279 Use That's number one. That's what I tell I had 276 00:11:51.279 --> 00:11:53.120 a guy coming earlier. His name is Jamie, and he 277 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.080 was my roommate back the last time I went to treatment, 278 00:11:56.879 --> 00:11:59.200 and there was something that was told to us, and 279 00:11:59.240 --> 00:12:01.919 it was like, just don't take the first drink, you know, 280 00:12:01.960 --> 00:12:03.639 stay away from the first one. Stay away from that, 281 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:06.159 because once you take the first one, you're done, and 282 00:12:06.200 --> 00:12:09.799 then the guilt you know, from it, and then the 283 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:13.159 shame that you've caused yourself, and it just builds right 284 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:15.080 down to a hole of God. 285 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:15.799 Just keep going. 286 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:18.320 Yeah, And I'm just I'm so interested in burning my 287 00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:20.679 life to the ground again. 288 00:12:21.039 --> 00:12:21.759 You've had enough. 289 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:25.480 I've rebuilt my life so many times. It's I can't 290 00:12:25.480 --> 00:12:27.799 even count how many cars I've traded how many times 291 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:30.440 I've you know, just had two pairs of pants, one 292 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:34.720 pairs of shoes, like nothing to my name, you know. 293 00:12:34.759 --> 00:12:37.720 And it's hard work building that back, you know, and 294 00:12:37.720 --> 00:12:40.200 it's expensive building that back, you know. 295 00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:41.360 Stay away from the first one. 296 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:46.559 And then somebody was tell me or asked me yesterday, 297 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:48.360 how come I keep picking people? 298 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:48.559 Oh? 299 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:50.399 Okay, it was somebody that works for us, but it 300 00:12:50.440 --> 00:12:52.720 was like, how come I keep picking people up? And 301 00:12:53.120 --> 00:12:55.080 the first thing they'll say is, well, I stopped going 302 00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:57.360 to meetings. So when I went to ship from there, 303 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:00.639 I was like, well, there's some to that. But at 304 00:13:00.679 --> 00:13:03.159 the same time, if that's all you're doing is going 305 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:05.080 to meetings, you good luck. 306 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:05.720 You know. 307 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:08.159 I had to change my entire life, you know it. 308 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:11.399 I was told people places things, places things, and I'm 309 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:14.320 sitting on my couch in Arkansas about ready to open 310 00:13:14.320 --> 00:13:15.320 another bottle, and I'm like. 311 00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:19.240 People places things. I don't go anywhere. I don't hang 312 00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:21.600 out with people who drink, Like who are we supposed 313 00:13:21.639 --> 00:13:21.799 to do? 314 00:13:22.519 --> 00:13:23.799 And then I had a guy who I was giving 315 00:13:23.840 --> 00:13:25.679 a rounde to is giving me the same thing that 316 00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:27.039 I used to spit to myself. And it's like, well, 317 00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:28.759 here's the problem man. And here's what I didn't get 318 00:13:28.759 --> 00:13:30.519 the time. You have to go find those people. You 319 00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:32.320 have to find those places. You have to get off 320 00:13:32.320 --> 00:13:34.639 the couch. Opportunities not just come knocking on your door. 321 00:13:34.679 --> 00:13:36.720 Hey you want some great stuff, here you go. It's 322 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:38.679 not gonna happen. You have to get off the couch. 323 00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:41.080 You have to get out in. Those people you can 324 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:43.000 find at meetings. You know, you can find those people 325 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:45.320 at church, you can find those people in library, the gym, wherever. 326 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:46.279 You know. 327 00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:51.360 But making those connections and being places with people and 328 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:53.279 making yourself a part of the community is I think 329 00:13:53.480 --> 00:13:55.879 was huge for me. So people that are just going 330 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:58.519 to meetings, sure it can be done. I don't think 331 00:13:58.519 --> 00:14:00.759 I would be happy just going to meetings. Yeah, you know. 332 00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:02.919 I had to go to five or seven meetings a 333 00:14:02.960 --> 00:14:04.720 week or something like that when I was in sober living, 334 00:14:04.759 --> 00:14:08.840 which was fine, but it got me into a routine, 335 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:12.240 and it got me into knowing what I needed out 336 00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:14.000 of those meetings. And it was just, you know, a 337 00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:17.279 chance to vent get stuff off my chest. And those 338 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:20.039 are fine. I like doing that. But it wasn't just 339 00:14:20.120 --> 00:14:22.720 me going to meetings. It was me going to school, 340 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:25.080 you know. It was what I was doing outside of. 341 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:25.440 All of that. 342 00:14:25.559 --> 00:14:27.159 Yeah, building a network, Yeah. 343 00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:31.720 Creating a nonprofit, you know, having goals, finding a hot wife, 344 00:14:31.879 --> 00:14:37.120 you know, has plans now, but it's beyond just going 345 00:14:37.159 --> 00:14:37.600 to meetings. 346 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:37.799 You know. 347 00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:41.519 That's in my opinion as a professional radio broadcaster anyway, Like, 348 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:43.639 that's that's what worked for me, and that's what I see, 349 00:14:43.639 --> 00:14:44.720 And that was my answer to him. 350 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:48.600 You know, it's like, yeah, you know, like you're going 351 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:48.919 to hear. 352 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:49.840 It a lot, and I've heard a lot and you 353 00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:51.279 probably heard it a lot too, but that is one 354 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:52.879 of the first things that kind of goes like and 355 00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:55.919 if you go back to my past and my return 356 00:14:56.000 --> 00:14:59.519 to use, I think that's what themstance calls it, my 357 00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:03.679 relapse is I would stop going to meetings you know sometimes, 358 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:07.080 but I don't know it all leads to whatever it is. 359 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:11.200 But so you're a manager at a place now, which 360 00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:16.480 is great, yep. Is that something that you see in 361 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:18.080 your future? Are you just like, hey, I'm holding it 362 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:20.519 down today. 363 00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:22.600 You know, I've been a manager in the past at 364 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:25.559 other places that I've worked, and I always get a 365 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:27.559 really nice sense of fulfillment out of it. You know, 366 00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:32.360 I like affecting change and like leading a team, you know, inspiring. 367 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:34.919 Other people to like do their job well. So I 368 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:36.200 enjoy management. 369 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:40.120 And you know, the trajectory that this company has right now, 370 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:43.080 and like their business plans for the future, there's a 371 00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:44.960 lot of room for growth, you know, if I play 372 00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:47.039 my cards right and I just keep doing what I'm doing, 373 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:49.440 you know, there's definitely career in it for me right now. 374 00:15:50.279 --> 00:15:53.120 But I also know that, you know, there's a few 375 00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:56.080 things that've been missing in my recovery. You know, this 376 00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:59.440 was my ninth time in rehab, and every time I 377 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:02.639 do something a little different each time. And I think 378 00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:04.519 one of the big changes that I need to do 379 00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:07.639 is I need to work in recovery in order to 380 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:12.919 maintain long term recovery. But you know, I've never had 381 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:15.000 long term recovery, so I've never gotten to a point 382 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:17.320 where somebody would hire me, you know, because I can't 383 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:19.519 be trusted, you know, And that's just the fact. You know, 384 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:23.440 you relapse every who you relapse every few months, you know, 385 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:26.600 because that's my pattern. I used for six seven months, 386 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:28.639 I go to rehab for three months. I used for 387 00:16:28.679 --> 00:16:30.759 six seven months, I go to rehab. You know, it's 388 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:35.879 just it's been this NonStop cycle, you know, so this time, 389 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:37.720 I'm trying to do a few things different. You know 390 00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:41.200 that you mentioned church. That's one of the big changes 391 00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:42.399 that I've made this time. 392 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:46.279 One of the my times which it kind of stuck, 393 00:16:46.279 --> 00:16:48.679 but it didn't. And I learned a lot. And you've learned. 394 00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:51.279 You said, you've been nine times a treatment. You've learned, 395 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:52.879 and you could probably still remember some of the stuff 396 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:54.440 that you learned that you still hold on to today 397 00:16:54.480 --> 00:16:54.759 from the. 398 00:16:54.679 --> 00:16:55.279 First time you went. 399 00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:57.840 Yeah, Like, just because we go so many times doesn't 400 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:00.159 mean we didn't learn anything in those other times. It's 401 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:01.679