Speaker 1: To resolve the conflict is to face it. You can't
Speaker 1: go around it, over it, underneath it, behind it. You've
Speaker 1: got to go through it. And I'm going to teach
Speaker 1: you how to do this with the minimal amount of
Speaker 1: pain you have to make the decision. I'm going to
Speaker 1: resolve the issue. Guys Men, maybe the most manly masculine
Speaker 1: thing you do this week is man up and deal
Speaker 1: with a conflict that's been brewing that you know you
Speaker 1: need to deal with. So after I've made the decision
Speaker 1: to make the first move and I've asked God for help,
Speaker 1: now we get to the real practical stuff, and that's
Speaker 1: number three. I begin with what's my fault? When we
Speaker 1: get together and we have this peace conference. I don't
Speaker 1: start with what you've done wrong. I don't start with
Speaker 1: a bunch of accusations. I don't start with the ways
Speaker 1: I've been hurt. We'll get to that, but you start
Speaker 1: with beginning with what's my fault. Now, the conflict maybe
Speaker 1: ninety nine point their fault, but you can find something
Speaker 1: to confess. You can find something that was your mistake,
Speaker 1: even if it was in your poor response, maybe even
Speaker 1: in your defensiveness. But you begin with what is your fault?
Speaker 1: And instead of accusing, and instead of excusing yourself, and
Speaker 1: instead of attacking, and instead of blaming other people, I
Speaker 1: first look at what's going on inside me. Now, I
Speaker 1: want you to listen to very important. The Bible says
Speaker 1: there are two causes of conflict, and the first cause
Speaker 1: of conflict is self centeredness. It's what's going on inside
Speaker 1: of me. See. If I'm filled with peace, almost nothing
Speaker 1: abcepts me. If I'm filled with love, almost nothing irritates me.
Speaker 1: If I'm filled with Jesus, almost nothing ticks me off.
Speaker 1: On the other hand, if I'm filled with me ego, pride,
Speaker 1: self centatives, anything can tick me off. Anything can make
Speaker 1: me mad, anything can irritate me. You can do the
Speaker 1: smallest little thing. And if I'm full of myself, you
Speaker 1: can hurt my feelings very very quick. And so it
Speaker 1: all depends on what's inside me. And if I'm at
Speaker 1: peace with me, and I'm at peace with God, other
Speaker 1: things just don't upset me. Here's what the Bible says, James,
Speaker 1: Chapter four, Verse one. What causes fights? What causes fights
Speaker 1: and quarrels? You know, conflict among you? They are caused
Speaker 1: by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside you.
Speaker 1: The conflict that you're having with other people is inside you.
Speaker 1: It actually starts in you. As I said, why don't
Speaker 1: you write this down? When I'm at peace inside, what's
Speaker 1: outside doesn't upset me. When I'm at peace inside inside me,
Speaker 1: I'm at peace with God. I'm at peace with myself.
Speaker 1: But outside me just doesn't kick me off. Now, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I don't agree with everything that I see.
Speaker 1: There's a lot I disagree with. It just doesn't upset me.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean I don't think there are things that
Speaker 1: need to be changed. There are a lot that needs
Speaker 1: to be changed around me and in my relationships. It
Speaker 1: just means I don't get distressed. I can disagree without
Speaker 1: being distressed. And you are distressed not by the people
Speaker 1: around you. You were distressed by what's going on inside
Speaker 1: you and that response to the people around you. You
Speaker 1: can disagree without being distressed. You know, when I used
Speaker 1: to do marriage counseling, and I couldn't count the number
Speaker 1: of marriages I helped and tried to help the number
Speaker 1: one reason people gave for divorcing was this pastor we're
Speaker 1: just quote incompatible that was their reason. We're just incompatible, friends.
Speaker 1: There's no such thing as incompatibility. It's a term made
Speaker 1: up by divorce attorneys to justify divorce. We're all incompatible
Speaker 1: because we're all different. Nobody is going to be completely
Speaker 1: compatible with you, because nobody's exactly like you. So no
Speaker 1: matter who you're with and who you're married, you're going
Speaker 1: to be incompatible. The truth is, you can get along
Speaker 1: with anybody that you choose to get along with, and
Speaker 1: you can choose to love anybody that you choose to love. Now,
Speaker 1: if I were to summarize thousands of hours of marriage
Speaker 1: counseling in two words, this is going to save you
Speaker 1: a lot of money. Here are the two words you
Speaker 1: need to hear that will make your marriage a success.
Speaker 1: Grow up, Stop being irritating little immature. I won't say
Speaker 1: the word. It's immaturity that causes marriage to die. It's
Speaker 1: not incompatibility. It's inflexibility. I want what I want and
Speaker 1: I want it now, and you want what you want.
Speaker 1: And neither of us are old enough, mature enough, smart enough,
Speaker 1: spiritual enough to change. And I am willing to let
Speaker 1: this thing die. Then then change, and you're willing to
Speaker 1: let this thing die. Then change has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with incompatibility. If incompatibility was actually a concept, then exhibit A.
Speaker 1: Are Rick and k Warren because we are the exact
Speaker 1: opposite in every DNA cell in our body. We it's oh,
Speaker 1: bladd old blad die. You say hi, I say low,
Speaker 1: you say why, I say I don't know. It's just
Speaker 1: we are on the opposite extremes in every area. We
Speaker 1: have different backgrounds, we have different you know, look at
Speaker 1: life differently, different temperaments. We are so opposite each other. Now, Actually,
Speaker 1: the marriages that are hardest are where people are too
Speaker 1: much alike, because after a while they get bored with
Speaker 1: each other. The greater your differences in your marriage, the
Speaker 1: greater your potential for growth. I'll say it again, the
Speaker 1: greater your differences in marriage, the greater your potential for growth.
Speaker 1: And the primary purpose of marriage is not to make
Speaker 1: you happy, but to make you holy, to make you
Speaker 1: like Jesus. And I have learned more from my wife
Speaker 1: because she's so different from me than anybody else. You
Speaker 1: can learn from anybody. If you're willing to be humble,
Speaker 1: you can grow, and you can love, and you can
Speaker 1: learn to love anybody It's not a matter of incompatibility.
Speaker 1: It's a matter of maturity. Am I willing to grow up?
Speaker 1: Am I willing to be unselfish? Am I willing to
Speaker 1: be flexible? And am I willing to learn? Or would
Speaker 1: I rather die than do that? I want you to
Speaker 1: write this sentence down. Okay, write this down. It's always
Speaker 1: more rewarding. Write this down. It's always more rewarding to
Speaker 1: resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's always
Speaker 1: more rewarding to resolve a conflict than dissolve a relationship.
Speaker 1: Kay and I had so many problems in our early
Speaker 1: years of marriage. We would be divorced if it weren't
Speaker 1: for Jesus. And what would have happened if we had
Speaker 1: given in to those desires to divorce in our early years.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have the children I've got, I wouldn't have
Speaker 1: the grandchildren I've got. There would be no saddle backed church,
Speaker 1: and many of you would still not be headed for heaven.
Speaker 1: I think of the blessings in the world that would
Speaker 1: have been missed if I had listened to my fears,
Speaker 1: or Kay listen to her fears. It's always more rewarding
Speaker 1: to resolve the conflict than to dissolve of the relationship.
Speaker 1: So our nature is natural to be self centered. I
Speaker 1: don't think about me, are you? I think about me?
Speaker 1: And by the way, you don't think about me, you're
Speaker 1: thinking about you. You're thinking about you. Right now, what
Speaker 1: does this mean to me? It isn't really helpful to me.
Speaker 1: And the point is, oh, you're getting that all right.
Speaker 1: It's my nature to be self centered, and it's my
Speaker 1: nature to be stubborn. And if I'm going to have
Speaker 1: a good relationship, friendship, work relationship, client relationship, marriage relationship,
Speaker 1: parenting relationship, I gotta think less about me and more
Speaker 1: about you. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible
Speaker 1: makes it very clear, is self centered as selfishness. The
Speaker 1: second cause of conflict is pride and pride. I'm stubborn,
Speaker 1: and in pride, I get my feet feelings hurt easily.
Speaker 1: Humble people don't get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do.
Speaker 1: They get their feelings hurt all the time. And so
Speaker 1: when my wound and my ego gets wounded, then we
Speaker 1: have conflict. Look at this verse up on the screen.
Speaker 1: Proverbs thirteen ten says this pride, let's read it aloud together.
Speaker 1: Pride only leads to arguments? And where is that verse found?
Speaker 1: Proverbs thirteen ten. Now that's such a short verse. That's
Speaker 1: gonna be our memory verse this week. So we can
Speaker 1: learn this one. You can use this one. So let's
Speaker 1: say it aloud together. Proverbs thirteen ten. Pride only leads
Speaker 1: to arguments? And where's that? Proverbs thirteen ten. You're gonna
Speaker 1: need this one, by the way, what's this Proverbs thirteen ten? Say,
Speaker 1: pride only leads to arguments? And where's that found? Proverbs
Speaker 1: thirteen ten. That was the first verse that Kay and
Speaker 1: I memorized in our marriage. We memorized it on the honeymoon.
Speaker 1: Why because we needed it on the honeymoon. We were
Speaker 1: already at each other's throats fighting on the honeymoon. We
Speaker 1: are so different. I want to do this and I
Speaker 1: want to do that, and you want to do this,
Speaker 1: you want to do that, And we had to memorize
Speaker 1: that verse before a week of our marriage was up. Hi, everybody,
Speaker 1: I'm pastor Rick Warren. You know when I started Saddleback
Speaker 1: Church over forty years ago, just a handful of people
Speaker 1: in our living room. I also began writing a simple
Speaker 1: devotional just for the people in our church to help
Speaker 1: them start each day with hope and with truth and
Speaker 1: with peace that comes from Jesus Christ. Well, you know
Speaker 1: that little devotional grew and grew and grew in Today,
Speaker 1: Daily Hope is one of the largest email devotions in
Speaker 1: the whole world, and each day people all around the
Speaker 1: globe are reconnecting with God's promises and finding fresh strength
Speaker 1: in his word to face whatever comes their way. Now
Speaker 1: here's the best part. It's absolutely free. Okay, we don't
Speaker 1: have any charge for this. Every day you'll get a
Speaker 1: quick devotional read and a podcast that you can listen
Speaker 1: to on the go. Now, you know, in a world
Speaker 1: it's more distracted and uncertain than ever, I want to
Speaker 1: help you start your day centered on what never changes,
Speaker 1: and what never changes is a God's love, is unconditional
Speaker 1: love for you and his promises to you. You know,
Speaker 1: if you'll just spend just a few minutes a day
Speaker 1: in the morning with the Lord, it can bring so
Speaker 1: much more clarity, more purpose, more peace to everything that
Speaker 1: happens in your day. Particularly, a psychologist has said that
Speaker 1: what you do with the first five minutes of your
Speaker 1: day pretty much sets the tone so, friend, you were
Speaker 1: never meant to go through life alone. I want to
Speaker 1: personally invite you to just sign up for the Daily
Speaker 1: Hope devotional. Do it today. I think it's going to
Speaker 1: bring fresh encouragement to your walk in God, God bless you.
Speaker 1: Would you like to sign up for Pastor Rick's email devotional.
Speaker 1: You can just scan the QR code or go to
Speaker 1: dailyhopetv dot com. I am going to give you a
Speaker 1: secret miracle sentence that will break any logjam in any argument. Guaranteed.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that
Speaker 1: will break a logjam in any conflict if you'll use it.
Speaker 1: Are you ready? Here it is I'm sorry, I was
Speaker 1: only thinking of myself. Now, when your spouse wakes up
Speaker 1: from fainting, you can say it again, I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: was only thinking of myself, And they'll faint again when
Speaker 1: they wake up. Then you can actually start dealing. When
Speaker 1: was the last time you said that to somebody? Have
Speaker 1: you ever said that in your marriage? No? And yet
Speaker 1: how many times were you only thinking of yourself on
Speaker 1: a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase. You need
Speaker 1: to memorize and get over your pride, which causes conflict
Speaker 1: and begin to say in. Somebody, your husband or your
Speaker 1: wife says something to you and you start to get
Speaker 1: defensive about it and distant and demanding. You just say,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I was only thinking of myself, and you
Speaker 1: watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon,
Speaker 1: and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down. Now,
Speaker 1: the reason you need to learn to say that is
Speaker 1: because you have what's called blind spots in your life.
Speaker 1: The blind spots are the weaknesses you don't see in
Speaker 1: your life. You have a lot of weaknesses that you
Speaker 1: know about, and you know about those weaknesses in your life.
Speaker 1: Those aren't blind spots because you can see them. The
Speaker 1: blind spots are the weaknesses you can't see. That's why
Speaker 1: they're called blind spots, because you can't see them. You
Speaker 1: have weaknesses in your life you have never seen. Now
Speaker 1: we all see them. We can see them real clearly.
Speaker 1: We can see your weaknesses really clear. You don't have
Speaker 1: to defend them because you don't even know they're there.
Speaker 1: They are your blind spots, and that's why you need
Speaker 1: other people in your life who can actually point out
Speaker 1: to you what you cannot see. Your blind spots. Those
Speaker 1: are weaknesses. You don't even have any idea, your clue
Speaker 1: that you have that weakness. That's why you need to
Speaker 1: come to conflict with a humble heart, and you begin
Speaker 1: with your own faults. Here's what Jesus says. Notice this
Speaker 1: verse Matthew seven, Verses three and five. He says, why
Speaker 1: do you notice the little speck of dust in your
Speaker 1: friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of
Speaker 1: wood in your own eye? First take the wood out
Speaker 1: of your own eye and then you'll be able to
Speaker 1: see clearly. That's the blind spots. To take the dust
Speaker 1: out of your friend's eye. Now, guys, you don't understand
Speaker 1: this because two thousand years later we don't understand Hebrew humor.
Speaker 1: But that sentence is a joke. It's humor. You may
Speaker 1: not realize this, but the Sermon on the Mount is
Speaker 1: filled with laughlines. Jesus told a lot of jokes, and
Speaker 1: he used a lot of humor in his preaching. We
Speaker 1: just don't understand it because we don't think in he
Speaker 1: Brew humor from two thousand years ago. Hebrew humor is
Speaker 1: humor by exaggeration, and so Jesus is when he would
Speaker 1: tell stuff, he would awfully throw in a laughline. The
Speaker 1: sermon mounts filled with some funny stuff. We just don't
Speaker 1: get it. For instance, when Jesus says, you've heard this one.
Speaker 1: It's easier for the camel, a camel to go through
Speaker 1: an eye of a needle than for a rich man
Speaker 1: to hold onto his money and to get into heaven. Now,
Speaker 1: when Pete when Jesus said that, they died laughing, they go, oh, Lord,
Speaker 1: that's a good one. A camel going through an eye
Speaker 1: of a needle. Yeah, right, that's you know, that's obviously impossible, Okay,
Speaker 1: And they're like, oh Lord, that you're too funny. That's hilarious.
Speaker 1: You know. When Jesus says, hey, you know those religious
Speaker 1: leaders over there, they strain at a gnat and then
Speaker 1: they swallow a camel. Oh Lord, you're killing me. Lord,
Speaker 1: that's him much. This guy should be on comedy club
Speaker 1: in a try the liver. I'm here on Friday. I
Speaker 1: mean it's great, you know. Oh Lord, that's just you've
Speaker 1: unstrained it a gnat and swallow again. It's a funny line.
Speaker 1: Now we don't get it. We're going now the meaning
Speaker 1: Greek meaning of the word nash right over our heads.
Speaker 1: Totally oblivious to what Jesus is using humor and sarcasm
Speaker 1: to make a point. And here he's saying, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: before you get the speck of sawdust out of your
Speaker 1: wife's eye, why don't you get the telephone poll out
Speaker 1: of yours? Oh Lord, you're telling me, oh too much?
Speaker 1: Please stop. I'm dying. I'm dying. You know he's telling humor.
Speaker 1: Now here's the point. He's saying, you need to confess
Speaker 1: your part of the conflict first. So I need to
Speaker 1: say when I come to you in this piece thing,
Speaker 1: I don't start with you. I don't start with all
Speaker 1: the ways you've hurt me. I don't. We'll get to that,
Speaker 1: get to that, But I just start with me, and
Speaker 1: I go, have I been unrealistic? And now I'm asking myself.
Speaker 1: Am I being insensitive? That's caused conflict? Am I being oversensitive?
Speaker 1: And that's caused conflict? Am I being ungrateful? And I
Speaker 1: just haven't showed gratitude to this person? And that's hurting?
Speaker 1: Am I being over demanding? You just do an honest evaluation?
Speaker 1: Is what are my blind spots? All? Right? Then once
Speaker 1: you've done that, you've confessed you're part of the problem.
Speaker 1: Number four, I listen for their hurt and perspective. I
Speaker 1: listen for their hurt and their perspective. Now it's very
Speaker 1: important I listen for hurt, because there's always hurt in
Speaker 1: a conflict. We think we argue over ideas, but we
Speaker 1: actually argue over emotion. We argue over feelings. And anytime
Speaker 1: there's a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt, somebody felt abused,
Speaker 1: somebody felt slighted. It's not the idea that causes the conflict,
Speaker 1: it's the emotion behind the idea. How many times have
Speaker 1: you heard me say, hurt people hurt people. In other words,
Speaker 1: the more I'm hurting, the more I lash out at
Speaker 1: everybody else. People aren't hurting, don't hurt others. People who
Speaker 1: are filled with love are loving to others. People who
Speaker 1: are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who
Speaker 1: are at peace are at peace with everybody else. But
Speaker 1: if I'm hurting inside, I'm going to hurt you. And
Speaker 1: the more I hurt, the more I'm going to hurt you,
Speaker 1: the more I'm gonna lash out. The people who need
Speaker 1: love the most are those who deserve it the least.
Speaker 1: The people who are the most obnoxious and irritating and
Speaker 1: just you don't even want to be around them. Those
Speaker 1: are people who need massive doses of love. Hurt people,
Speaker 1: hurt people. I mean, well, my mom hurt me. Well
Speaker 1: you need to know why she was hurting. My dad
Speaker 1: hurt me. You need to know the hurt that caused
Speaker 1: him to hurt you. Hurt people, hurt people. Now, I
Speaker 1: want to tell you this principle. It doesn't matter if
Speaker 1: it's in a marriage, or if it's in the marketplace,
Speaker 1: or if it's in the Middle East. When people feel
Speaker 1: they're not listened to, When people feel slighted, when people
Speaker 1: are robbed of their dignity, they get mad. Doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if it's on the border or if it's in Ukraine
Speaker 1: or anywhere else that there's a conflict. When people feel
Speaker 1: their dignity is destroyed. When people feel they're not being
Speaker 1: listened to, they're not being paid attention to, they're not
Speaker 1: being valued, they get mad like a cat pushed back
Speaker 1: into a corner. And if you want to connect with people,
Speaker 1: you must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests.
Speaker 1: You want to be a good salesman, you don't start
Speaker 1: with your product. You start with their need, their hurts,
Speaker 1: and their interests, interests. You want to be a good professor,
Speaker 1: a pastor, or anything, you start with their needs, their hurts,
Speaker 1: their interests, not what you have to share, but what
Speaker 1: they need. And if you want to connect with people,
Speaker 1: that's where it starts. So you listen for their hurt
Speaker 1: and you're actually listening behind the words. It's not what
Speaker 1: they say in an argument that you need to listen.
Speaker 1: You need to listen to the emotion behind the words.
Speaker 1: The emotion's far more important because people will say one thing,
Speaker 1: but they're feeling something else, like how you doing, I'm fine,
Speaker 1: I'm fine means I'm not fine in a lot of cases. Simes,
Speaker 1: chapter one, verse nineteen says this be quick to listen,
Speaker 1: slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Now, if
Speaker 1: you do the first two, the third is automatic. If
Speaker 1: you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak,
Speaker 1: you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: if you have a trigger temper and you get angry
Speaker 1: really fast, I'll tell you why. It's because you're not
Speaker 1: quick to listen and you're not slow to speak. In fact,
Speaker 1: you're quick to speak and slow to listen, and that's
Speaker 1: why you get angry. How many times have I told
Speaker 1: you God gave you two ears and one mouth. You
Speaker 1: should always listen twice as much as you speak, and
Speaker 1: this is the next step in conflict management. You listen
Speaker 1: to their hurt and you listen to their perspective. Because
Speaker 1: you don't know their perspective. That's why there's conflict. I
Speaker 1: want you to write this down. Always listen before speaking, always, always, always, always, always, always,
Speaker 1: always always listen before speaking. This is the key to
Speaker 1: diffusing conflict. You listen before you speak, and then people
Speaker 1: feel validated when you Your ears are actually love organs,
Speaker 1: because when you speak, you're showing love by listening to them.
Speaker 1: Philippians two four and five says this, Each of you
Speaker 1: should look circle the word look. We'll come back to
Speaker 1: that minute. Each of you should look not only to
Speaker 1: your own interest, but also to the interests of others,
Speaker 1: and your attitude should be the same as that of
Speaker 1: Christ Jesus. That word look there said don't just look
Speaker 1: at your own needs, look at the needs of the
Speaker 1: person you're having a problem with. That word look is
Speaker 1: the Greek word scopos. We get the word microscope. You
Speaker 1: look at little things that you don't normally see telescope.
Speaker 1: You look at stars you can't see up close. Scopos
Speaker 1: means to focus, focus, and it says your attitude should
Speaker 1: be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are
Speaker 1: most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of
Speaker 1: somebody else rather than your own. You are most like
Speaker 1: Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else,
Speaker 1: your child, your wife, your dad, your client. When you're
Speaker 1: focusing on somebody else's hurts and you steady your own,
Speaker 1: that's when you're like Jesus. When Jesus is on the cross,
Speaker 1: dying for the sins of all mankind, he's not focusing
Speaker 1: on his pain. He's saying, Father, forgive them. They don't
Speaker 1: know what they're doing. He's still focusing on us, even
Speaker 1: in the middle of his pain. So he says focus scopos.
Speaker 1: Try to see their perspective before you go mouthing off
Speaker 1: on your hurt, your need. Those are legitimate, But go
Speaker 1: ahead and first try to focus on their perspective. How
Speaker 1: do you do that by paying attention? There's an old
Speaker 1: Chinese parable, a proverb that says, seek to understand before
Speaker 1: seeking to be understood. That's what Jesus is saying here.
Speaker 1: He's staying before you see, we're so busy trying to
Speaker 1: get the person we're in conflict with to see our position.
Speaker 1: We're not listening to theirs. We're so busy speaking, we're
Speaker 1: not listening to theirs, and where as a result, we
Speaker 1: move further and further away. Now, let's just take an example,
Speaker 1: the people that you work with. And you have some
Speaker 1: people who work with and you think that one person,
Speaker 1: they are so irritating to me. I just they Every
Speaker 1: time I get around them, my blood starts to boil.
Speaker 1: I just don't even like being around them. And the
Speaker 1: reason why is you don't scope us. You don't see
Speaker 1: their circumstance, you don't see their temper, and you don't
Speaker 1: see their background. The people that you work with, the
Speaker 1: more you understand them, the more patient you're going to be.
Speaker 1: The less you understand the people you work with, the
Speaker 1: more impatient you're going to be. Why, because it is
Speaker 1: human nature when you're working with people that you tend
Speaker 1: we tend to judge how far people have to go.
Speaker 1: We look at it and go, man, they got a
Speaker 1: long way to go before they start being mature. Instead
Speaker 1: of looking at how far they've come,