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Speaker 1: Mister Twizzleton's typewriter. Several strange things have happened to me

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in my life that my friends could never account for.

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They could never understand how I got an introduction to

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Twizzleton q C. Nor why that learned a gentleman, after

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allowing me to double his work for him for ten

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years without putting anything in my way, suddenly use every

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effort and influence he was capable of to put an

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important and valuable junior practice in my hands. Twizzleton q c.

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Was a hard, selfish man in person. He was like

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a badly dried moth whose long, old fashioned whiskers resembled

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the remains of wings. It was of him that it

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was originally said that he was the living representative of

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a tenant entail after possibility of issue extinct. And there

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is consequently great surprise when Twizzleton married Lucy Travers, who,

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as you will remember, was the belle of her season.

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But the Travers were not so well off as they

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pretended to be, and Twizzleton, as we all know, made

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his fifteen thousand a year and had, if anything, an

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ever increasing practice in the chancery division. Twistleton was undoubtedly

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a great lawyer and a man of strong common sense,

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but he had two fads. He was a believer in ghosts,

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and he wrote everything in his chambers upon a Remington typewriter.

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Twizzleton and his wife were staying one June in Norfolk

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at Lady Barn Doors. Twizzleton was due in town to

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argue the great patent case concerning sewing machines of Buncombe

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and another versus Badger in the Court of Appeal on

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Wednesday morning. I expected him back in chambers on the

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Monday evening, understanding that he intended rejoining his wife at

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the end of the week, for this case would last

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at least three days, and Twizzleton was in several other

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cases on the list. About eight o'clock on Monday evening,

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I had dined early at my club and was engaged

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noting up Twzzleton's papers when he came in with his

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gladstone bag and rug, looking, as I thought, tired and

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out of spirits. When Twizzleton was in town by himself,

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he always slept at his own chambers, as in the

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ol days before he was married, and his breakfast a

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chop and two eggs, was sent in from the cock Twizzleton,

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having heard what Foss his clerk had to stay on

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the subject of retainers, dismissed him. Then he slammed down

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the windows, which I had opened to let in what

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fresher there was in old square, carefully closed the door,

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let himself into the hard chair in front of his

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writing table, and idly leaned over the papers which were

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before him. At length, the outer door was heard to close,

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Foss had departed, and Twizzleton broke silence. Penrose, my dear fellow,

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I am uncomfortable. Twizzleton, I may here remark, was always

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on the best of terms with me, and treated me

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as a friend. For I believe I was useful to him.

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I had made great way in his affections by solemnly

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advising him to marry Missus Travers when I saw he

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was bent on doing so. But since his marriage I

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am not sure that this course of conduct of mine

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had been altogether to my advantage. I looked to him

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for a further explanation, which I saw was coming. Penrose,

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my dear fellow, who do you think is at lady

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barn Door's I shook my head, being entirely in ignorance.

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Charlie Colston replied, Twizzleton trying to carve his whiskers with

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a paper knife. Charlie Colston, Poor Charlie Colston. It was

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well known that he had paid his addresses to pretty

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missus Twizzleton in former days, and reports said she had

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encouraged them. No wonder Twizleton was excited. I knew him

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to be of an extremely jealous nature. Now mark me, Penrose,

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said Twizzleton, shaking his forefinger at me as he would

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at Lord Usher in the appeal court. What took place yesterday?

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When I was playing tennis? The whole time, sir, he

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and she were talking and chatting together and laughing, Yes,

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laughing perhaps at my play, For I played abominably. I

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know it. I could not bear to see them. Twizzleton's

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tennis was never first rate. He had begun to play

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too late in life. He was an annoying partner, as

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he always insisted on leading, taking all the difficult strokes

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and failing at them. He was a still more objectionable opponent,

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as he was always taking technical objections on points of practice. Still,

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however badly one plays, it is not pleasant to be

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laughed at, even by one's wife. I tried to soothe Twizzleton,

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but he interrupted me. Now there is another point I

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desired to urge. Twiston always spoke as though he was

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addressing the court of appeal. When I asked my wife

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to come back to day, she point blank refused, what

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do you think of that? Nothing whatever? I answered, she

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had arranged to stay. And you are going down on

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Saturday again. I think you are making mountains out of

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mole hills. I hope I am penrose. I hope I am,

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replied Twizzleton mournfully. But you didn't see them. I did,

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and Twizzleton sighed deeply. Then the subject dropped and we

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got to work on a small case. Soon Twizzleton, with

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a self complacent smile on his countenance, was playing an

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opinion on his typewriter. It was to him, I believe,

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as though each note he struck produced a deep, mellow

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tone and not a capital or small rooman. I can

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remember when Twizzleton first had his typewriter. In those days,

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he used to sit at it for hours, practicing hitting

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first one note and then the other at intervals, varying

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between ten seconds and two or three minutes. Every now

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and then, using the most horrible language as you put

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a capital for a small rooman or missed his space.

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Then his efforts looked as though they were the productions

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of six drunken printers who had each taken an absent

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comrade's work for the day, and they were always copied

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before they went to clients. Now the machine went click, click, click,

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even lee and merrily. Twistleton was a perfect master of it.

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I had seen him work it with his eyes shut.

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I have no doubt that if he could have stood

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on his head, and if it had been consonant with

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the dignity of a Queen's counsul to do so, he

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could have played his instrument in that posture. The opinion finished. Twizzleton,

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who was a very methodical man, put a fresh sheet

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of paper in readiness to commence again, folded and signed

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what he had written, and bade me good night. His

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last words to me were, I hope you are right

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about Charlie Colston. I am sure of it, I said,

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I wish I were. Tomorrow we were to have a

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long day at Buncombe versus Badger. When I arrived in

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the morning, Twizzleton was at breakfast. I no longer entered

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than he set down his egg spoon, and, rushing at

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me with a piece of paper, thrust it into my hands.

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Read that he cried excitedly. Read that I noticed that

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Twizzleton seemed done well. There was a wild look in

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his eyes. His chop was untouched, A reversal of Twizzleton's

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procedure at breakfast, which was more extraordinary to me than

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his strange appearance. The egg he was eating was, to

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anyone with a sense of smell, manifestly a bad one.

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A most portentous fact to me, who remember hearing Twizzleton,

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who never knew any criminal law, seriously tell the boy

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from the cock that he believed the bill a tainer

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would lie against him for bringing him a bad egg.

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What did it all mean? I looked at the paper

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in my hands. On it were two words, neatly printed,

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Charlie Colston. I stared blankly at Twizzleton. What did it mean?

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Twizzleton was shaking visibly. Do you believe in ghosts? He

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asked anxiously. Certainly not, I replied, Ah, sighed Twizzleton, and

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added sententiously, there are more things in heaven and Earth

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than are dreamed of in your philosophy. This was the

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only quotation I ever heard him utter that did not

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come from the law reports. I believe he fancied it.

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It was afraid he had invented in his early youth,

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when he first began to believe in ghosts. If you

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don't believe in ghosts? Who wrote that message on my typewriter?

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Twizzleton's manner was very impressive. I felt like a witness

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committing perjury. I tell you I found it this morning

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when I want to write a letter just before breakfast.

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Who wrote it? He shouted? Who wrote it? I will know?

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Perhaps Foss, I suggested he has not been here and

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can't use the typewriter. I had heard him say so,

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but did not believe it. Foss was afraid of overworking

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himself and so did not choose to learn it. But

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any fool could use it if he liked to learn.

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My opinion was that Foss could use it. He was

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like the monkeys, who, as the negro said, could talk

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if they would, but knew if they did, they would

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be made to work. How about the laundress, I suggested, Ah,

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the laundress, repeated Twizzleton, thoughtfully, the laundress, so, missus. Butcheck

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the laundress was sent for when Foss came in, but

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she denied all knowledge of the typewriter or the writing.

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Making a new suggestion which did not to our thinking

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much advanced the solution of the mystery, and that was

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that the culprit was the cat. It is a message,

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said Twizzleton, mysteriously. A message. Nonsense, I said, some fellow

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has strolled in and written the name for fun. Fun,

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cried Twistleton, indignantly fun, and then more quietly, No, I

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am sure of it. It is a message. Very little

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of Buncombe versus Badger could I get into Twizzleton's head

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that day? Plans and specifications. He seemed not to understand

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the seductive literary style of the Affidavit had no charm

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for him. He could only gaze at the paper in

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his hand and murmur, ever and anon a message. I

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saw it was best to humor him, and at my suggestion,

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the typewriter was locked up that night, and he took

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the key with him into his bedroom. We had had

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a rattling good dinner together, and when I left Twizzleton

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he was in much better spirits. If the ghost comes tonight,

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he won't be able to get at the typewriter anyhow,

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I said, laughing, hush, I don't know, replied Twizzleton solemnly,

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it is no jesting subject. I went my way, wondering

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how a man with Twizleton's practice could believe in ghosts,

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and who the deuce had written Charlie Colston's name on

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the typewriter. The next morning I walked down the Twizzletons

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directly after breakfast. I found him in the wildest imaginable condition.

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He had taken every precaution, locking up the typewriter, placing

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the key under his pillow, And yet here was the message,

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as he called it, printed in clear, faultless style, Charlie Colston.

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He is with your wife, Charlie Colston. I must go,

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I must go, Oh Penrose, what shall I do? He

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cried in agony as I entered the room, Go, I said,

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And who was to lead in Buncombe versus Badger? He

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was silent and buried all his face except his whiskers

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in his hands. Even his hands, large and uncouth as

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they were, could not contain his whiskers. Think of Ritzon

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and claim, what will they say? I urged, Seeing the

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effect that my words had on him. They rely on

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you on this case. The name of this eminent firm

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seemed to call Twizlton to some extent, my dear Penrose.

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He said, in a trembling voice, this is a message.

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I am sure of it. But I will do my duty.

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I will stay by my clients. Twizzleton, you speak like

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a queen's counsel and a man of honor, I said,

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seizing him by the hand, proud to shake it. If

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it is a message, I added, to humor him, it

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will come again tonight. I will tell you what we

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will do. We will watch the typewriter all night. Twizzleton

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wrung my hand with gratitude at this suggestion of mine,

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and called them. I made him eat some of his

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cold chop, and sent for some brandy and water for

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him instead of the tea, which had already stood in

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the teapot for more than an hour. Then I endeavored

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to coach him in Buncombe versus Badger, but with small success.

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Then we went over to the appeal court, in which

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I took my seat, for though I was not briefed

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in the case, I had nothing else to do and

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was interested in seeing how Twizzleton got on with it.

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He was very able at picking up a case as

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he went along, and the Court of Appeals stood greatly

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in awe of him. I had never seen him as

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nervous as he was to day, not even on his

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wedding day, and I was quite frightened for him. Lord

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Usher m R, supported by Smug l J and Summerbasch

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l J, formed the court. Twizzleton came in late. He

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had been at a consultation. As he entered, I heard

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two solicitors clerks say to each other, who is that

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with the whiskers? Twizzleton keys, he has the biggest practice

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at the bar. He looks like a boiled owl, suggested

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his companion Drinks, I believe was the reply. This was horrible,

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for Twizzleton was a follower of Prebendary Faluten the great teetotaler.

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But certainly Twizzleton had a dissipated look this morning. His

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eyes were red, and the lines under his eyes were

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very dark and hollow. His cheeks were pale and yellow.

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Something of this kind I fancy, the master of the rolls,

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remarked to Lord Justice Smug, who nodded a sent. Twizzleton

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rose to open the case, which was a very intricate one,

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and Lord Usher, according to his constant practice, interrupted him

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with the regularity of a piece of clockwork every two

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and a half minutes, and then wondered why he did

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not understand the case, and shook himself impatiently. Much to

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Lord Usher's astonishment, Twizzleton did not deliver any of those

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stinging retorts by which he was wont to keep the

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Court of Appeal in order and frighten their lordships into

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deciding in his favor. On noticing this, the Lord Usher

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began to chaff and rally Twizzleton in a manner that

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was the admiration of the junior bar, the two lords Justices,

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and not least of all, of the Master of the

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Rolls himself. At length, Twizzleton, in expatiating on the merits

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of Buncombe's sewing machine, alluded to it as a typewriter,

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whereupon Lord Usher said with a humorous leer, that if

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it had been a question of typewriters, no doubt mister

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Twiztleton would have been called as a specialist to give evidence,

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and would not have been arguing the case before them,

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at which those in the court who kneeled Twizzleton's fad tittered,

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and his lordship's namesakes, who stand about the court, put

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their hands before their faces and shook visibly for a

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moment or two, and then called out hush, and looked angry.

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But Twizzleton lost his temper over this and asked his

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lordship if his lordship meant to hint that the court

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did not want to hear him, and intimated his intention

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if such was a case of sitting down. And then

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the whole court was really quite silent for a minute

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or two in anticipation of a row, and everyone ceased

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to fidget and paid close attention to Lord Usher to

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hear him with his blandest and most urbano smiles, explaining,

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how was the great privilege of that court to listen

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to mister Twizzleton, and what a high value they said

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upon that privilege, and how it was quite inconceivable to him,

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Lord Usher, that he, mister Twizzleton, could imagine for a

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moment that this court or any other court, should wish

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him to sit down. Whereupon Twizzleton murmured that his lordship

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was very good, meaning thereby that he should like to

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be with his Lordship in a small room where he

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could give him a bit of his mind. Then the

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case proceeded quite regularly until Twizzleton handed Lord Usher a

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lot of papers to explain his case. Lord Usher, coming

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to one, said with a knowing aside glance at smug

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lj that from the handwriting it must be a note

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of mister Twistleton's in another case, as he did not

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know that anyone of the name of Charles Colston was

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a party to this case. And what would have happened then,

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I don't know. Only the court rose for lunch. I

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heard two or three people say that day that Twizzleton,

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poor fellow, was doing more work than he ought to,

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that Twizzleton was a clever fellow, but he could not

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afford to burn the cannel at both ends. Indeed, Twizzleton's

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strange conduct in Buncombe versus Badger was a general topic

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of conversation in the robing room. When Twizzleton came out

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of court, I had the greatest difficulty to prevent him

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from rushing down the Norfolk by the night train. He

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was sure it was true, he believed in the message.

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I calmed him down and we had dinner together at

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my club. He had to continue his speech in the

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morning I tried to coach him a Buncombe versus Badger,

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but it was of no avail. I do not think

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he even knew for which side he was appearing. We

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agreed that we would sit up and watches, and so

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keep our eye on the typewriter all night. There was

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a sofa in the recess of the window, and Twizzleton

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sent me to bed and placed himself on this. I

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bat him good night and took his bed for the

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first half of the night. About two o'clock in the morning,

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I awoke and went to Twizzleton. He was wide awake,

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reading some papers on the sofa. Have you seen anything,

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I asked, nothing whatever, He replied, nor heard anything, not

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a sound. We took the lamp to the typewriter and

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opened it. There was a sheet of papers. He always

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left it untouched. Twizzleton locked it up again and took

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the key. Put it under your pillow, I will, he replied.

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It's very good of you to sit up like this.

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It's nothing at all. Assure you, I answered, keep strict watched,

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won't you? I promised you, I said. Twizzleton shook me

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by the hand with emotion and went out. He looked

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very ill and wretched, I thought, and was sorry for him.

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Was it a ghost message or what that was making

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his life a burden to him? Should I solve the mystery? Tonight?

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I waited about an hour and a half. The dawn

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came peeping through the painted shutters and made the lamp

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look dim. I was almost dozing. In fact, I had

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shut my eyes and lost consciousness for perhaps a minute,

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perhaps more. A sharp clicking sound awoke me. It was

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a typewriter. There seated on a chair in front of it,

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playing nimbly on the queer instrument, was a white, misty figure.

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It had finished. It, closed the cover down and turned

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the key. It wheeled round to the door, and I

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saw the face and whiskers. I knew so well it

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was twizzledom himself. My first impulse was to wake him,

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but I had heard that it was dangerous to wake

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persons walking in their sleep. He wanted all the sleep

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he could get, so I decided to let him alone,

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walk down to my own chambers and get some rest myself.

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When I got out into Old Square, I could not

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help roaring with laughter. It was too funny. The idea

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of old Twizzleton writing messages to himself on the typewriter

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and being frightened out of his wits by them. With

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a story to tell against him. No one would believe it.

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It was too good to be true. I awoke a

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little late the next morning, but went straight down to

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Old Square before breakfast. Alas I was too late. There

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was Foss in misery over a hasty scrawl of Twizzleton's.

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He had gone to barn door by the early train.

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Foss was to make any excuse he thought fit to

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Ritson and Claim. There was the typewriter shattered into a

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thousand pieces, its intricate machinery, a shapeless chaos. I shuddered

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to think what would happen if there was anything between

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Charlie Colston and missus Twizzleton. In town, everyone was asking

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what had become of Twizzleton. The rumor went round the

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lock course that he was insane. I maintained a discreet silence.

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Mister Claim was almost crying, a slow coach murmuring something

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about bad news, and his learned leader rose to continue

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Twizolton's opening. Lord Usher, unrestrained by the presence of Twizzleton,

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made the Court of Appeal a place of fiery torment

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to that eminent elderly junior mister slow Coach. Bustle QC

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for Badger was not even called upon to reply. Bun

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Coom and another were dismissed with costs the early train stop.

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As I knew at every station forty in number, I

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could imagine poor Twizzleton's state of mind as he potted

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along in a slow train to barn Door. He arrived

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at the US about breakfast time. I have the story

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from Grimbleton, who was there. He came into the breakfast

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room and his appearance elicited a shout of surprise. What

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has become a Buncombe versus Badger, cried Lord barn Door said, old, eh,

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not that I know of, muttered Twizzleton sulkily, and then,

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looking round fiercely, asked, where's my wife? Not down yet,

359
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replied Lord barn Door. Twizzleton looked hastily round, as though

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in search of some one else, and then tore upstairs

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to his wife's room. The whole company looked at each

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other in silence. There was some explanation about bad news,

363
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but the Twizzletons never went into morning, and missus Twizzletein

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seemed very merry, all that day. It was true that

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Twizzleton was moody and shut himself up a good deal.

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Grimbleton told me that he never understood the whole business

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in the least in fact, in Twizzleton's circle. It was

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a nine days wonder. By the bye, I almost forgot

369
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to mention that Charlie Colston left Barn Door to be

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married in Scotland the day after Twizzleton came to town.

371
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When Twizzleton returned to Old Square, he was a sadder

372
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and wiser man. He gave up believing in ghosts and

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did not buy another typewriter. I told Twizzleton that I

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would not let the matter go any farther, and I

375
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mentioned at the time that he might get me the

376
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junior brief in Buncombert's Badger, which went to the House

377
00:23:24,759 --> 00:23:29,680
of Lords, where, through Twizzleton's clear arguments, nors Justices Smug

378
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:35,200
and summer Bosh were overruled that year, mostly through Twizzleton's influence.

379
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My Phoebe credited me with two thousand pounds. I have

380
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kept my secret well, but since Twizzleton succeeded Lord Usher

381
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as Master of the rolls, Lady Twizzleton has not called

382
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on missus Penrose. And although my wife assures me that

383
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she is rather glad of it, she is always telling

384
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me now that she does not think so good a

385
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story should be lost to the world as that of

386
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Twizzleton's typewriter