Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell.
Speaker 2: I'm Chris, and I died recently and my eternal punishment
is to do this podcast down in hell where we
interview everyone in the afterlife, and then I'm joined as
always by the brother of Satan Clayton.
Speaker 3: Oh, Chris, how are you doing today?
Speaker 2: Well, you know, it's awful, awful, just as as normal,
Isn't that dandy?
Speaker 3: That's great? That's great, Chris, good to hear. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So, uh, if you're wanted to say this is the topic,
sure to follow us on social media. That's good morning
from Hell because we always post images and stuff of
the show and behind the scenes stuff, so you should
be following on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok.
Speaker 1: What else?
Speaker 4: Did you have any other opening bits?
Speaker 1: Oh? Yeah, we can talk about reviews.
Speaker 5: We haven't done that in a while, and we're I
think we're dying for attention on the internet, so oh yeah,
we can. We can incentivize people reviewing us by saying,
you know, we'll read their reviews if they only if
their five only at their five stars top stars. Yeah,
we don't like the troll ones where it's like one
star good hell.
Speaker 2: Yeah, then we don't feature those ones, all right, Well,
then what do we got.
Speaker 1: Uh, well, you want to I can read one, you
can read one. I read one, you do that?
Speaker 4: Okay, all right.
Speaker 5: This one says a user, Chris's Dad's Google Search five stars.
Speaker 4: Uh huh soup what?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean I'm assuming that this is your father's
Google Search and your dad was just looking for soup.
Speaker 3: That's strange, no recipe.
Speaker 5: He wasn't looking for like any specific kind like tomato
or chicken.
Speaker 2: Or and something that's an actual review. Yeah, just so
they gave us five stars, that's right. So either they
really like soup or really like our podcast.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 5: Well, I mean it's your dam both, so so yeah,
it's funny. It doesn't say anything like Chris is dad
Google Search, like how to grieve your lost son, nothing
about that.
Speaker 1: It's just just soup, just soup. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Also, I mean, if you're listening and you haven't left
us a review, that's that's the barriers, gentry, comedic barriers.
Speaker 1: Gentry. That's low, low stakes.
Speaker 3: You can leave anything you want.
Speaker 4: Well, as long as it's a good review.
Speaker 2: And then we have one says good morning Ratman five stars,
and they say it's weird that the name of the
show hasn't changed.
Speaker 4: I don't want to talk about that.
Speaker 3: No, we're gonna skip right over there that.
Speaker 5: If you haven't heard the Good Morning rat Man episode,
you're not missing out n much.
Speaker 1: You don't need to go back and listen to it
and leave a review that says soup.
Speaker 3: But it's five stars, so good good news, good news,
good news, not Ratman.
Speaker 5: This one, this last one, that's another five star review.
It says proud, and it says, Hi, this is your brother, Satin.
I am proud of you. You finally did something useful,
but of course I could do much better. Chris, I
didn't know you had a brother named Satin. Satin, Yes,
s A T I N Satin. I don't think I
don't have a brother name set. He's trying to sell
Satan's Oh yeah yeah he.
Speaker 3: Swapped on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah that's more probably more likely.
Speaker 3: Got it. Yeah, this guy's an idiot. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 5: Yeah, well thanks you to listen to our show, though,
please leave more reviews so that we can compliment you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no other spelling mistakes, punctuations a little iffy,
but you know, yeah, they didn't leave a period, exclamation point,
any of that the last sentence.
Speaker 1: So yeah, well, I'm going.
Speaker 5: To review this guy's comment. I didn't give it two stars.
So who do we have on the episode this week?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 5: Honestly, Chris, I didn't really have anybody in mind, just
because you know, I'm in the process of looking for
a new living situation and it's you know, it's been
really stressing me out, and I haven't had the chance
to cast anybody for this week. So oh, I don't know, man,
I'm just I'm stry. I don't like my current place.
I already had a previous, you know, dispute with my
my last landlord.
Speaker 4: You know your last landlord. Who was that?
Speaker 1: It was God? It was the lord. Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 5: He kicked me out. I was breaking too many violations.
So then I moved in.
Speaker 4: With God has real estate down in Hell.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, no, he bought up a of it
back in the early days when he was cheap.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah yeah.
Speaker 5: And then you know my current roommate, do you know,
we had a bit of a falling out.
Speaker 1: It's it's a friend of mine and it's it's just
not working.
Speaker 2: Well, are you working with a realtor what's that? Someone
who like shows you, you know, like real estate. They show
you around and can help you find a place. Like
I have a friend who works in real estate. Like, well,
I say a friend. It's a friend of a friend.
I guess I have a friend. But I could I
could give him a I give him a call.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I go for it.
Speaker 5: I mean, I know nothing about real estate. I don't
even know why they call it real estate because like
what is it? What's fake estate? Is that the alternative?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I don't know. I mean he'll probably know. We can
ask him.
Speaker 2: He's supposed to be good, So all right, I mean,
Bepatpatpat peap phone.
Speaker 1: It's weird on the phone. Hello, Billy Magic real estate,
where the magic truly happens. This is Earl. How can
I help you? Hi?
Speaker 2: This is Chris, a friend of I'm friends with Billy. Uh,
I just wonder if he's around.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, let me transfer you. Hey, this is Billy.
Speaker 3: Oh well that's fast, and we've got.
Speaker 1: We've got a really good receptionist here. Who is this again, Matt? Hi,
this is Chris de Maris.
Speaker 2: So I was friends with someone that you knew?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Crystilaris.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know you well, yeah, but it was like
on Earth and then I died. But I think you
died a while before. But then I guess you got
into You're into hell realty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I just figured, you know, do what you know?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, I've got a friend here who's looking for
a place. It's Clayton, and he's here on the line
and wondering if he could talk to you about stuff.
I don't know if you want to.
Speaker 1: I don't really do phone consults. What if we get
together in person? Yeah, yeah, we can arrange that. I
could just tell port him here and who whoa and here? Yeah?
That was here.
Speaker 3: Where's Earl? Where's Earl?
Speaker 1: Well, Earl was busy. It couldn't make you know, Earl
doesn't really make the consultations. But it's it's good to
see it there, Chris, Uh, great, great to see you.
Speaker 4: Oh no, no, that's Clayton.
Speaker 1: I'm oh sorry, sorry, sorry, Chris. Yeah, you know yeah,
these these uh I need new glasses. Yeah, I mean
I'm red and he is quite as snow so well Clinton,
you know, you meet a lot of people in this industry. Yeah,
it's Clayton, but okay, clay Yeah, my bad clay Uh.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll let it pass.
Speaker 2: So, uh, Billy, let's get this magic going, right?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's let's let's get started. So Clayton, right,
that's right. Yes, So tell me a little bit about
where you are now, why it's not working out, what
you're looking for?
Speaker 5: You know, you know, I got a decent, you know,
four bedroom house that I'm sharing with a friend.
Speaker 3: And we're just kind of, you know, wanting to part ways.
It's just our friendship is just it's just not working out.
Speaker 1: Friends in a four bedroom what must be some friend?
What do we I mean, it's it's an old family home.
So how did you find that place? He didn't use
a realtor before?
Speaker 3: Actually I grew up there. Uh yeah yeah, it's my mom.
The friend is my mom.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah yeah no, I deal with that a lot.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to be ashamed about,
nothing to talk to your therapist about. It's totally normal,
totally cool. Yeah I get that. So, so you're living
with mom and looking for something a little more sure,
you know, judge lest not you be judged, right, So, uh,
what are you looking for now? Oh?
Speaker 5: You know, I mean, I really haven't figured out what
I want. I mean, they could, they could. I feel
like I've got a lot in my budget, so I
mean we could go we could go real big with it,
or maybe like a bougie.
Speaker 1: Spot, you know, in a high rise, you know, I mean.
Speaker 5: Sky's the limit, really, yeah, except for you know, there's
there is a limit.
Speaker 1: Though to the sky because we're we're underground.
Speaker 3: It's Hell.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. So I mean there's a lot of options
in buying. Well, actually there's not a ton of options,
but there's also not a lot of options and renting.
Most renters are in purgatory or you know, wandering around
limbo just kind of looking for something. So yeah, maybe
let's let's talk buying. I mean, so you're saying you've
got plenty of budget to work with. Any must have oh,
I mean, I love I think a pool would be great.
Speaker 5: I think having like my own gym fitness space, a
sex dungeon, just just the dungeons in general, would be awesome.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty common here, That's what I'm learning.
Speaker 3: A real cool bachelor's pat you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I guess I could tell you there's not
a ton of inventory since we're in Hell there's there's
new buyers every day, and I mean they're all coming
in from anywhere. There's a lot of Californians here. I
don't know if you've noticed. Yeah, you know, as far
as the different circles of hell. For something that nice,
you're probably looking, you know, at the inner circles where
the big wigs are. I mean, I'm not saying you
have to live next to Satan himself, but probably somewhere
close if you want all of that.
Speaker 3: I mean, I prefer not to live next to Satan
because you know, he he's my brother.
Speaker 1: No shit, you're related to Satan. Yeah, oh yeah, this
is yeah. Yeah, some people call him Satin Man. And
I'm so glad I met you. It's so good to
know a friend of Satan, the big man downstairs. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Please do not reach out to me for any networking opportunities.
It's just it.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't really like that. Oh I won't.
But what's your handle? No, No, don't worry about it.
Speaker 5: We can get to that, okay, Okay, Yeah, I mean,
you know, what, what's my price range? I mean, what
am I really dealing with? Because let me let me
check my wall real quick. I've got a sixty seven bucks.
I mean, I feel like that's a pretty decent down payment, right, I'm.
Speaker 1: Just gonna assume you're kidding there, Danny h So what's
your credit score?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 5: Uh, well, it's actually really great, you know, because I I'm.
Speaker 3: Number one, you know, I'm number one?
Speaker 1: Wow, number one, so that's probably over eight hundred. No, no, no, no, no,
it's one. My credit score is one. Ah, yes, yes, yes,
I haven't actually one seen that number.
Speaker 5: Do you lower the number the closer you are to
number one? That's that's better for your credit score? Right
from my understanding, is.
Speaker 1: It, Chris, you want to explain this to your friend?
I don't really.
Speaker 2: No, No, so it's kind of the opposite. You kind
of want to hire credit score. I don't even know
that one was possible. I don't think it is up
on earth. It must be a health.
Speaker 1: It's definitely a hell thing. I know on Earth, I
never saw something that low. I mean here, we're typically
in the low hundreds.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but a one is I mean it is impressive.
Speaker 1: Thanks, you know what, I bet I bet we can
get someone to help us make that work. I mean,
there's no shortage of shady bankers, lenders. I mean, everyone's
down here, so I'm sure someone will take the bait
on that one.
Speaker 5: Okay, all right, cool, Well what are my options did
if not? You know, is buying still in the realm
of possibility?
Speaker 1: Well, I mean the market's a little competitive right now.
Like I said, new people moving here, you know, every day,
always multiple bitter situations. So so cash is king right.
You know, they say in heaven you can't take it
with you, but in Hell you definitely can and you should.
So the rich people are still buying up all of
the good real estate. What we could do is look
at some new developments, something that's you know, outside of
the more popular areas like the Lake of Fire. You
don't have a boat, do you? Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I actually just recently bought a boat. I also
bought a new car and several arcade machines. That's not
gonna because I was really trying to get my credit
score to two closest to number one.
Speaker 1: So that's good. Yeah, you know, Clinton, you're doing a
great job of getting that one is making sense. Yeah,
And honestly, you gotta, you know, have debt to build credit, right,
so you're no, I.
Speaker 3: Got plenty of that got that in spades.
Speaker 1: I mean, oh geez, well, you know, if you've got
a boat, if you got all that. There is a
new development. I don't know if you've been to the
River Dix here, but we're actually building one that's more
familiar for for you know, people who are newly in Hell,
called the River Styx. You know, it's right next to
Twin Pines and Lost Brook and Hidden Meadows. See. I
don't know if you're familiar with those developments.
Speaker 4: No, no, I'm not familiar.
Speaker 1: Now, Yeah, that's all far out. It's a little far out.
I don't know if you've got to commute, but I
mean you're talking probably three four hours if you're going
anywhere into the city.
Speaker 3: Oh god, that's awful. No, that's terrible.
Speaker 1: Well it is Hell.
Speaker 3: How nice is this River Dix though?
Speaker 1: You know, Well it's kind of like a lazy river
meets a lazy susan lot of traffic, high congestion area,
but it's got potential.
Speaker 4: Does it have any dicks?
Speaker 1: Fewer than you would think? Yeah? Or wait are you
looking for dicks? Not enough? Really could always use more? Well, actually,
you know, plenty of dicks, tons of cock.
Speaker 5: Oh, okay, all right, well let's add that to the
possibilities list then, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. So so new developments.
We can also look at foreclosures. A lot of people
over buying here, a lot of new people coming into overby.
Speaker 3: Real quick though.
Speaker 5: I mean, I I don't know, you know, foreclosure form
minunderstand that's just someone getting kicked out of their house
and then their banks sweeping in and taking it from
out from underneath them.
Speaker 3: That sounds like a great idea.
Speaker 1: I love to do that.
Speaker 3: Let's do that. Let's let's pursue that.
Speaker 1: With a credit score of one. You shouldn't have any
issue with that situation. Yes, good, good, So Billy, what
else do you got for us? How do you feel
about fixer uppers or flips? Do you like handywork?
Speaker 4: You could do flips?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can flip.
Speaker 3: You would see me do a flip right now?
Speaker 1: Check this out.
Speaker 2: I mean that was a flip technically a flip. Yeah,
I mean he went all the way around, he just
did land it.
Speaker 1: But yeah, wow, yeah, you could be in the circus.
Speaker 5: I guess, well, thanks, I mean, yeah, but you know,
fixer uppers, I'm done to do all that I watched
a lot of h G TV.
Speaker 1: I mean those all those guys are down here anyways.
So yeah, yeah, we got Chip and Jojoe on their way.
But we've also got the big hitters, you know, Fanny May,
Freddie Mack, all of those familiar friends.
Speaker 2: Of course, have you ever done any like dy building stuff, Clayton,
Let me see, I once built a birdhouse.
Speaker 3: It's pretty good.
Speaker 5: I mean, I guess in that case, I am a
home builder, you know, of sorts.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess if you just scaled up what you
did to the birdhouse.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I mean I could fit in like a
decent sized bird house probably well, doors.
Speaker 1: A little weird, you know, it's a little high up
off the ground. I mean, starting from scratch can be difficult.
Lots of issues with permitting down here. I mean I
thought it was bad, you know, on Earth, but in
Hell it's you know, talking to the right people. Now,
maybe you can get your brother to grease some hands. No,
I'm not completely independent from him. I will not rely
on him for anything. You know, I don't need any
co signers or any of that stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he doesn't like relying on family, except except his
last roommate, but that Yeah, so.
Speaker 1: You don't think your mom would co sign, but maybe
help with closing costs, property tax, I.
Speaker 3: Mean, depending on what we're talking about.
Speaker 1: Maybe are you willing to wave inspection because to be competitive,
a lot of times you're gonna have to wave inspection.
Speaker 5: And hell, well, listen, you know, I've got my two eyes.
I can look around. I can see any problems. I'm
sure there won't be anything that I will miss.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, if that's if that's the case, got
a couple of other options. We've got Napoleon Complex. They've
they've definitely done some renovation. Still some work to be done,
but uh, you know, if you've got a baby diaper
in a swimming pool, you'll be set.
Speaker 2: We're actually yeah, we we actually were friends in Napoleon.
We've had him on the podcast, so we might be able
to even get a deal.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I don't know, Chris.
Speaker 5: I mean, you know, it's not to be picky, but
you know, I feel like I might need a little
bit of my own private space.
Speaker 3: And Napoleon has been known to just creep on his tenants.
Speaker 1: You know, it can also be ruthless and negotiation. I mean,
I hate to say he's kind of got a little
man complex. Yeah yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 5: That tracks what else? What else do you have in
terms of like condominiums and so we got Oedipis complex.
I mean, you do live with your mom, so I'm
sure that's a good fit. I don't understand that reference
at all. What's what's what are some benefits of the
oedipisk complex?
Speaker 1: Well, when you're there, your family, So that's their tagline.
That's a good slate. Took it from the Olive Garden,
which is its own form of hell yeah yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 2: So is it just like kind of a close knit
like everyone's friends and it's like a community.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, so, I mean everybody kind of shows up
there and sort of looks to their elders and they
love the place, they love being around them. They a
lot of frequent changing of bedrooms if you're into that
sort of thing. I don't know how loose you are
with your caboose, but the looser the better. Up there. Interesting, Okay,
all right, do you have any relatives that you're attracted to.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna have to go with a no on that one.
Speaker 2: Well, there is that one cousin you said no, talk
about that now, Okay, no, I guess not.
Speaker 1: Well, really, they're looking for people in the community who
like to swing. Is that your thing? Is that your bad? Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: How did you know? Wow?
Speaker 3: I love?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Really? How often do you swing?
Speaker 5: Gosh, she's probably down there like once a day down
at the school park.
Speaker 1: What yeah, I'm swinging all the time. You're swinging. How
old are the kids?
Speaker 5: I mean, you know, at oldest eighth grade, all down
to kindergarten. I mean, you know, we're all we're all
a bunch of swingers out there.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know we're in hell. But do we
have age of consent? I've never had to ask this
question before. I'm a little new.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 1: I mean they like, did the kids sign a form
or like a release? Is there like a permission slip?
I mean yeah, sometimes they have a permission slip. You know,
it's recess.
Speaker 3: You know, they go out there, we go out to
the swing set and you know, you know, they they
push me.
Speaker 1: I push them, thank god. Yeah. I don't know if
that's the right spot for for you.
Speaker 3: So you're looking for they're baseball ers. They swing swing
for the vinces.
Speaker 1: As they were saying, yeah, of course, that's that's definitely
so what we're looking for you swing probably want to
find a good school district with some nice swing sets.
Do you have any children? Do you have a preference
in school district?
Speaker 5: I mean, I claim Chris is a dependent on my taxes,
so what Yeah, yeah, you're like my son.
Speaker 1: What so so, Matt, are you in school currently, Chris? Chris? Yeah, sorry, no,
I'm not in school.
Speaker 2: I'm also not a dependent or the child.
Speaker 5: Well, Chris, and you know, relatively speaking here in Hell,
you are but a baby, almost newborn. You know, if
you consider my age ancient to you, you know, what
are you forty forty five on Earth? You know you're
you're pretty young for for Hell standards.
Speaker 2: Sure, sure, but I mean I did my own taxes,
and I didn't. I just don't think if I claim
myself as an independent, can you also claim me as
a dependent?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: It's Hell.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, no one's really keeping track of
this stuff anyway. Well, guys, I'm gonna be honest with
you a lot of people fudge the paperwork in this industry,
So whatever you come up with is fine with me.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, cool, Yeah, so what about pets any any
you know, well, all dogs go to heaven, so obviously
none there.
Speaker 1: Cats, lizards, birds, things you like to hide up your anus.
Speaker 5: Once again minus the aest part. I gotta go with Chris.
I feel like he's kind of like my pet.
Speaker 1: So, yeah, that's cute. I like that. I'm very fluid
and comfortable with what you're describing.
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, that's weird to say it.
Speaker 1: Well, you know the problem with certain areas, theft can
be pretty rampant in Hell, a big homelessness issue, a
lot of people just wandering. I mentioned Limbo earlier. But
you know, with no security, you know that's not corrupt.
And since there are no dogs, you might want to
pick up like a house cat that's mean something to
you know, deter unwanted visitors, guard cat of sorts, or
buy a gun. Oh, castle doctrine is huge here.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, so what if I can bind What if
I had a cat that had a gun on it
or carried a gun.
Speaker 3: It's probably possibility.
Speaker 1: That sounds like a business I'd be willing to invest
in with guard cat. Yeah, gun, I'll have to call
Earl and see if he's got a guy who can
train your cat to use firearms? And I mean, unless
that's something you've got. I know a lot of people.
I know a lot of people I can connect you with.
Speaker 3: Oh great, that's good, that's great. I mean you and
Chris seem to be pretty close, so you know.
Speaker 1: Well I wouldn't call him my pet per se, but uh,
you know old friends, right, Matt Chris? Yeah, well yeah,
I mean because because we got introduced by Jack. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well it was my friend from college. It was Justin
and then he's Justin Corbin.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, old Corby we called him. I never met him,
but yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, I mean Clinton, you
gotta hear, like we got so many old stories to go,
you know, tell you something.
Speaker 5: Well, you know, I am actually interested in, like how
did you get into a like being a realtor?
Speaker 1: You know, like, first of all, it's realtor. I mean,
look where the A is. Don't be an idiot. I'm sorry,
a lot of pressure in this industry. I get a
little pin up sometimes, say again, so.
Speaker 5: Being in real, real real, he's a he's a realator,
real realtor, realtor.
Speaker 3: I don't I'm honestly the mord is meanings to me.
Speaker 1: Now, it's no big deal. It's it's real too. I mean,
I respect what you do. It'd be nice to get
my name out.
Speaker 3: Cool, thank you. I am a podcaster. It's a serious job. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Okay, So how did you get into uh, you know,
this business, this line of.
Speaker 1: Work, real estate. I've loved it. I mean we all
have had a home at some point, right, so, uh,
it seemed like a natural fallback career after I tried
a couple of other things, you know, film production, music production.
I worked in oiland gas for a bit, gott into software,
gotten hard tech, but real estate is really where I
found my stride.
Speaker 5: Would you say it's your passion? Is anybody actually passionate
about real estate?
Speaker 1: Well, I mean I'm passionate about people. Clinton and I
you know, I am Clayton Clayton, Yeah, of course it's Clayton.
I was just testing you, Bud. I love people. It's
a people business. We are making matches between people and
the home for the rest of their life or until
the money runs out.
Speaker 5: Okay, So what's a I mean, do you make a
lot of friends doing real estate or is it.
Speaker 1: Just kind of luge network I've got I don't know
if you're on Hell's LinkedIn. I've got eleven thousand followers
on LinkedIn. Know them all very very well personally. You know,
people just like Chris Chris. Yeah, I mean I'm if
you ask, you know who's the best realtor in town,
A lot of people I six seven teen thousand people
or so might say Billy Magically Magically magic. Wow. So
I mean, yeah, we could be friends. I'm always looking
for a Hey, do you golf? I sure don't know
me either. It's a shit sport. Maybe we go to
like a NASCAR game and do some things together.
Speaker 5: Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Billy Magic.
I want to be friends with you. You're being very
kind in remembering my name most of the time, but
I just I feel like you're just kind of using
me and like this isn't a real friendship because very
clearly you're trying to milk me for money.
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, no, no, no no no. Now,
I don't think Billy would do that.
Speaker 3: Clinton.
Speaker 1: Let's just be square here. You know, I'm trying to
fill a hole in your life, and that hole is
your mother's house. Uh, And I know that it's a
little awkward going with a guy who works in the
vendor space. But I'm a stand up you know, guy,
don't let the fact that I went to Hell fool you.
I'm a really nice guy.
Speaker 4: I can vouch for him. I mean, he's like a
friend of a friend of a friend.
Speaker 5: Okay, all right, Well, what do you get out of this, billy?
I mean, where do you make your money?
Speaker 1: Well, you know, there's a pretty stiff commission rate here
in Hell, So I mean they're servicing fees, you know,
typically four percent, six percent, ten percent, you know, whatever,
whatever we think is fair as long as it's above
three percent. Okay, there's a lot of numbers that he
just threw my way, but yeah, it we'll work out. Look,
let's find the house first. We can figure out the
numbers later, baby. Okay, all right, Well, you know there's
a house that's been on the market for a long
time in the seven Circles, so you'll be near family,
I mean, not too near. But have you heard of Amiteville? Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, no, I'm kind of familiar. That's a bit
of a commute, though, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean it's a little bit of a commute,
but it's hell. You know, the bike lanes aren't necessarily
the best, and there's not a lot of public transportation,
and you know gridlock can be a bitch.
Speaker 5: Okay, Well, I mean that's okay because I typically aim
for the bikers when I'm out on the roads.
Speaker 1: But how do you feel about familiar murder? Very open,
very open? That sounds fun. Oh baby, you are gonna
love it. It's so much bang for the buck. I mean,
you probably have to make a cash off for a
lot of people from California bring in that California dough.
But I mean you got sixty seven bucks.
Speaker 5: Can we do a walk through? This sounds pretty fascinating.
I'm kind of want to check this place out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let me get my bulletproofvest. We'll stumble through there.
I may wait outside. I don't know if that's good
with you, but I can kind of talk you through
it through the window.
Speaker 2: Another another good area we haven't talked about is the
huts underneath the sewage where I live.
Speaker 3: You live down there, that's right?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, have you looked at that area? We have
a lot of good huts. The one I'm at is
right next to the sewage line, so it's just there's always.
Speaker 1: Chris, you didn't tell me you lived in the huts
next to the sewage line. Wow. Yeah, it's great, great area.
That's impressive. How did you get in there?
Speaker 2: Well, this is just kind of where I got put whenever.
You know, I died and roommates with Stalin, So it's
not like I can afford my own place.
Speaker 1: But my god, they put me in the garbage jump
behind Arby's. They've got the meats, you know, tell me
about it. They've got more than meat, if you know
what I mean. Yeah. But yeah, so so we could
go check out that. I know, maybe I could talk
to her, will find some places in that area.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, Yeah, I mean let's do a walk through.
Let's let's start in that way.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So, well, do you wanna we could just go to
my place and then kind of look from there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, let's see in.
Speaker 1: I was hoping i'd drive you guys here, but shave
the town, you know, a little little small talk.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'd rather not be in the car with you,
just kind of have to force fully talk.
Speaker 1: I've got a lot of air fresheners. I get the
smell thing.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, Chris, you know this is this is a
nice place, by the way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, well even in before me, it's like
there's the spike bed that's we're stalling.
Speaker 4: That keeps his alcohol a lot of it. Yeah, and
then you know that's that's about it. That's about it.
Speaker 1: It's a hut, yeah, I mean it's a pretty spacious
hut though.
Speaker 3: I mean it's not bad. You got a lot of huts,
I guess.
Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, there's.
Speaker 5: There's an area outside you can do some you know,
a little bit of gardening though.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, real nice. I can see some potential here.
It's kind of like a home decorator's dream to kind
of make sure everything fits perfectly in its own little,
tight space. It's nice, neat, tidy. I I like it,
I really do. But maybe we should just go take
a look around and find something that's a little bit
more you Clinton Clayton, you know what, Billy Magic.
Speaker 5: I appreciate the offer, But Chris, I think I'm gonna
you know what, I've decided. I think we're gonna be roommates.
I think I'm moving in. Oh yeah, yeah, this is perfect.
I'm sitting on this couch. It's uh, I can smell it.
You know, it's it's got lots of food underneath it
from these crumbs, and I've been finding some change. I'm
gonna have to check with a I'm already making money. No, no, no,
I've hold on. Let me text him real quick.
Speaker 3: All right, he knows that I'm staying over for a
few nights, days, weeks, years. It's all good, It's all groovy. Baby,
Hey new roommates. Yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 1: Well, Billy, hey man, thanks so much. You were here.
Speaker 3: What do we do now?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Yeah, let's settle up. Let's you know,
I can send you a bill for what finders fee?
I mean, you wouldn't know, Chris. You know I was
a friend of a friend of a friend. Like, it's
definitely a finder's you know, I let's call it. You
know ten percent of the first years ran too. Yeah,
what do you think? Yeah?
Speaker 3: I mean, Chris, what do you think?
Speaker 4: I don't I don't know. I don't know what standard
is that?
Speaker 1: What's it's definitely a finders fee, a standard in this
type of situation. Matt, it's Clayton. Yeah, I'm just I'm
just I'm busting your balls. Chris. You know that's standard
I mean you can ask cor Corbyn, Corb God, Justina,
you can ask him. It's it's a known thing.
Speaker 5: Okay, all right, well, I mean yeah, we get you know,
my people, Chris can get with your people.
Speaker 3: Greg.
Speaker 1: It will sort it out. Oh you know Greg from
my from my firm. Yeah, we'll tell you what why
why don't you Well, you give me the sixty seven
now and we'll settle up the rest later.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, if it's gonna get you off my back,
you know, fine, that's here, here you go.
Speaker 4: Here you go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, well we'll you'll get you'll get a bill.
But thank you. I you know, frankly, between you and me, Mark,
it's been a little difficult lately. So it's it's gonna nice.
It's nice to have a meal tonight. Wow, it's really depressing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we speaking of meals here.
Speaker 2: This is sort of where the kitchen is, but it's
all kind of one hut.
Speaker 5: So yeah, no open concept. I like it, and everything
is here in this one room.
Speaker 1: It's great.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 4: Chris.
Speaker 1: I bet you could make better food than Arby's.
Speaker 4: Especially next to the suits. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Uh, that pretty much wraps it up.
Speaker 1: I guess.
Speaker 3: I mean that's all.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So what are you guys thinking? You want to
like to hang out and I'll just take a seat here.
We could, you know, figure out something to do tonight.
You guys want to you know, go to a bar
or grab dinner or go watch game. Like, what are
you guys thinking, Let's let's hang it out, let's uh
bro down. Well, you know, I.
Speaker 4: Gotta I gotta get home.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I gotta get a move. Yeah, you know, I forgot.
I've got a showing with some other clients. I got
a lot of a lot of showings, so I'm pretty busy.
Uh you know, I'll send you the bill, Ernie. Ernie
will send you the bill, and uh yeah, we'll settle up.
And I'm glad to help you out. Clayton, you got it.
Just if you get the time, if you want to
hook me up with Satan, you know, I really would
like to help him expand his empire. I've got a
lot of big ideas, commercial, residential, I do it all. Yeah, yeah,
that's not gonna happen. So no, no, I get it.
I get it. You don't want to push onto your family,
but you know we'll stay in touch. I got you
on my mailing list. Now, you know, every day or
two I'll be sending you a new property with your
name on it. You don't want to, you know, rent
from your friends forever. You don't. I want to sleep
on his floor on a little twin bed, you know,
tucked up right next to him, watching him have sex.
It's just it's not a cool thing. So so we'll
keep you, keep you in touch.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 5: Well, I will unsubscribe for that mailing list. Thank you
so much, Billy. Hey, nice getting to know you. All right, We'll.
Speaker 1: See you later, Billy. Oh jeez, I thought that I
would never leave.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 5: Well, that pretty much wraps it up. I mean, God,
got a new place. I'm gonna crack open a beer.
Just help myself, Chris, can you move all my stuff
in from my mom's house.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it, Thank.
Speaker 3: You so much.
Speaker 4: All right, Well I'll get on that.
Speaker 2: I'd be sure to recommend this podcast to anyone who's
you know, a realtor or looking for a place to stay.
Maybe they can get some good information from this.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna get.
Speaker 2: Moving, yeah, hell clear, Clayton, all right, thank you so much.
As an old friend of mine.
Speaker 1: Billy, thank you.
Speaker 3: For coming on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a pleasure. It was a lot of fun.
So Billy and I knew each other in college.
Speaker 2: And he's also now on a podcast with Brandon Farmahiny,
who's been a guest of Good Morning from Hell, and
I used to work at roosh Teeth. It's called The
Wrong Side of thirty. People who haven't heard of it,
what could you How would you describe it?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I would say if you like misanthropic comments about
what it's like to age and become uncomfortable with yourself,
or if you're looking forward to that part of your life,
you might enjoy some of our terrifying thoughts as we
realize our own mortality. That's fun. Yeah, it's a real
blass Catharsis is key. Yeah. Yeah, Chris you were on.
I mean you've you've ye played, You've played into the
pain of you know, saying your body shrink and shrivel.
Speaker 2: It's not even so much playing, it's just explaining.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Chris was on an episode where I described marriage
to him, and I'm actually married to a realtor, so
it really helped me with today.
Speaker 3: Don't let her listen to this show. If you're listening
to the show. Tell all of your friends except for Billy.
Speaker 1: You don't tell your wife about this one. No, thanks, guys,
I really appreciate this was a blast.
Speaker 2: Thanks for coming on and be sure to check out
the Wrong Side of thirty. Just find it wherever you
listen to podcasts.
Speaker 4: Thanks