WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:05.559 Love is a classroom dating, falling in love, making love, 2 00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:10.199 fighting forgiving, building a life together. These are some of 3 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:13.960 the most powerful teachers on the planet, offering us lessons 4 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:19.239 about trust, vulnerability, and empathy. Loving and being loved holds 5 00:00:19.239 --> 00:00:21.760 the power to grow us and heal us, making us 6 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:26.239 into kinder and wiser versions of ourselves. But not until 7 00:00:26.280 --> 00:00:30.399 and unless we commit to practicing self awareness so we 8 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:33.840 understand who we've been, who we are, and who we 9 00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:38.119 want to be. For decades, I lived with a kind 10 00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:43.240 of split inside of me. I am nerdy like homework 11 00:00:43.320 --> 00:00:48.719 is literally a joy nerdy. I'm also somebody who's fascinated 12 00:00:48.920 --> 00:00:53.320 by love and sex and pleasure and an eighties girl, 13 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:55.359 which means that on Sunday nights, I would sneak off 14 00:00:55.399 --> 00:00:58.079 into my room with my Walkman and hide under my 15 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:01.240 covers so I could listen to Piana Nearing sex educator 16 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:06.439 doctor Ruth Westheimer. And all of my pleasure reading as 17 00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:08.799 I was growing up was quite literally pleasure reading, because 18 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:11.640 I opted for romance novels and I read those steamy 19 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:15.280 sex scenes again and again, captivated by the physical and 20 00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:16.640 emotional intensity of. 21 00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:16.959 All of it. 22 00:01:17.799 --> 00:01:20.760 But I felt clear these parts of me needed to 23 00:01:20.760 --> 00:01:25.200 stay separate, the good girl, the bad girl, the proud girl, 24 00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:30.319 the shameful girl. Perhaps in an unconscious effort to mend 25 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:32.799 this split, I grew up to become a psychologist who 26 00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:37.480 specializes in love, sex, and marriage. But clinical training in 27 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:41.480 human sexuality from my own field went like this, Once 28 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:45.040 you get the couple to argue less and communicate more effectively, 29 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:46.359 the sex will follow. 30 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:47.680 End of training. 31 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:54.760 Not kidding, this message reinforced in me the idea that 32 00:01:54.840 --> 00:01:58.560 conversations about love or overhear, and conversations about the erotic 33 00:01:58.640 --> 00:02:03.640 or over here respect unmentionable. I can stand before you, 34 00:02:03.959 --> 00:02:08.400 as a clinician, a professor, a wife, mother, friend, sharing 35 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:11.199 this vulnerable truth because here's what I've come to realize. 36 00:02:11.639 --> 00:02:14.719 I'm far from alone in my journey to integrate my 37 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:18.240 erotic self with the rest of me. I teach a 38 00:02:18.280 --> 00:02:22.599 popular undergraduate course at Northwestern University called Building Loving and 39 00:02:22.680 --> 00:02:25.719 Lasting Relationships Marriage one on one, and some of my 40 00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:29.080 students are well on their way to cultivating sexual and 41 00:02:29.159 --> 00:02:33.560 relational self awareness, and their journeys teach inspire and embolden me. 42 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:36.960 But for every revolutionary I have, I have so many 43 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:39.759 students who are some of the smartest people on the planet, 44 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:44.319 but whose erotic knowledge lags far behind. Male students who 45 00:02:44.360 --> 00:02:47.439 tell me the vast majority of their sex education was 46 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:50.759 provided to them by porn hub because they were ashamed 47 00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.960 of their questions and afraid that admitting not knowing would 48 00:02:54.039 --> 00:02:57.879 mean they were somehow not man enough. And female students 49 00:02:57.879 --> 00:02:59.719 who tell me the idea that sex ought to feel 50 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:02.000 good for them is a novel concept. 51 00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:11.240 Andy, please, my brother, enlighten me. Who's that Alexandria Solomon. 52 00:03:12.840 --> 00:03:20.280 Alexandra Solomon, she was cooking. I love the way she sounds. 53 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:25.240 But let's go into this topic tonight. You already know 54 00:03:25.280 --> 00:03:29.759 what it is. The voice of reason has returned to 55 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:36.080 the scene of the conversation, and so have you. I'm 56 00:03:36.960 --> 00:03:47.280 committed to my dying day to continue to push the 57 00:03:47.319 --> 00:03:53.560 conversations forward, the ideas forward. We tend to think that 58 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:59.240 an idea, a concept, a theory, a belief is etched 59 00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:05.919 in divine or universal stone, and it's not. All of 60 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:11.879 these ideas are transient, and it's our job to question them, 61 00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:17.839 to challenge them, to break them down, to rebuild stronger ideas, 62 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:25.959 more sound, more nuanced, right ideas about love about interface 63 00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:30.879 right when I say interface, I mean intimate interface, us 64 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:35.920 coming together intimately understanding our purpose here. And this is 65 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:38.800 why The Voice of Reason is the type of show 66 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:43.759 it is. Tonight's topic is one of those topics. I 67 00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:49.800 have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto a 68 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:56.879 more right, a loop, a latch right something ships use 69 00:04:57.079 --> 00:05:01.360 to more down, batten down the hatches. I'm not here 70 00:05:02.279 --> 00:05:07.199 to batten down your intimate hatches, so to speak, for 71 00:05:07.319 --> 00:05:12.399 lack of a better word, right. What happens when one 72 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:18.399 person's unresolved wounds encounters another person who no longer supplies 73 00:05:18.959 --> 00:05:29.120 the complimentary fear insecurity, guilt, rescuing, defensiveness, abandonment, anxiety, control, 74 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:33.439 or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into a 75 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:41.439 two person relational pattern Again, Sometimes people are labeling my 76 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:45.600 perfect mate as someone who will hold their wound down, 77 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:52.040 not hold them up, and inspire them to want to 78 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:59.959 become psychologically free, psychologically nude, vulnerable, open their truest high 79 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:04.879 itself without the residue of the past. Many people want 80 00:06:04.920 --> 00:06:09.879 their wound held down. I have no mooring for your 81 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:16.319 wounds to latch onto. If you're coming to me because 82 00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:19.920 you believe me to be a wound grocery store where 83 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:22.759 you could come in and buy all the products your 84 00:06:22.879 --> 00:06:27.199 wound needs to stay fresh, to stay fly, to stay fed. 85 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:36.000 I'm not the person. I've seen the comments online. Don't 86 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:38.519 listen to Zoe Williams's Voice of Reason show unless you're 87 00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:43.000 ready to confront yourself. Yeah, this is these are comments 88 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:49.600 out there. Is Zoe Williams show is uncomfortable? Oh, I've 89 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:52.680 heard the comments about some of the books I've written. 90 00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:56.000 If you're not serious about looking at yourself, is it's 91 00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:01.639 an uncomfortable read? Yes it is. You're delusional if you 92 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:10.120 think you get to punch your ticket right into self actualization, individuation, right, 93 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:19.600 self realization without a little pain, it's unrealistic. Let me 94 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.600 say it again. What happens when one person's unresolved wounds 95 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:27.079 encounters another person who no longer supplies. 96 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:31.000 The complementary fear insecurity? 97 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:33.720 You know you date people that are insecure because it 98 00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:34.959 makes you feel secure. 99 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:37.480 Don't Can we have the real conversation? 100 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:44.360 They supply insecurity because you feel stronger around them. Right, 101 00:07:45.639 --> 00:07:50.360 They bring some guilt, they bring some rescuing defensiveness of randoment, anxiety, 102 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:54.120 control or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into 103 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:59.800 a two person relational pattern. I have no mooring for 104 00:07:59.879 --> 00:08:03.680 your wounds to latch onto. You don't get to I'm 105 00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:07.040 not here to hold the wound down. You don't get 106 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:10.120 to latch on to me because I appear to be 107 00:08:10.199 --> 00:08:15.839 a pillar of strength. Oh my godness, I just need 108 00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:19.360 somebody to stand with me. Yes, that's because you never 109 00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:23.720 learned and never told that you can stand for yourself. 110 00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:27.600 It doesn't mean it's a bad thing to have somebody 111 00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:31.720 to lean on. It does not mean that. But you're 112 00:08:31.800 --> 00:08:36.000 leaning on your partner for rest. But you're not supposed 113 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:38.960 to stay in a state of rest or. I ain't 114 00:08:38.960 --> 00:08:43.519 gonna have my peace disturbed. Come on. Perhaps one of 115 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:47.799 love's greatest tests arrives when your pain reaches for me 116 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:52.440 and discovers that I will not become who your wound 117 00:08:52.840 --> 00:08:57.639 and your pain remembers, I'm not gonna become now. Your 118 00:08:57.720 --> 00:09:02.200 wound is not gonna cast me in that. Human wounds 119 00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:09.200 rarely remain private. They enter relationships carrying expectations shaped by 120 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:20.120 earlier experience. Abandonment may anticipate pursuit. Distrust may provoke. 121 00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:24.200 Incessant, endless interrogation. 122 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:31.879 Fear may seek control somebody who is internally fearful. All 123 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:34.200 you gotta do is look at them control freaks. They 124 00:09:34.240 --> 00:09:38.759 are scared to death. They're afraid. That's why they seek 125 00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:44.039 to control. Fear may seek to control every single outcome. 126 00:09:44.440 --> 00:09:52.360 Shame may invite rescue. Listen to that shame may invite rescue. 127 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:57.799 None of this means every wounded person behaves identically, nor 128 00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:02.919 that another person causes is the wound. The deeper question 129 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:09.360 concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation 130 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:15.320 reaches upwards and finds no cooperating response. You want to 131 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:19.159 break up, All you gotta do is grow up. You 132 00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:21.559 want to get rid of somebody you tired of them. 133 00:10:21.639 --> 00:10:25.159 All you gotta do is grow up, show up for yourself, 134 00:10:25.720 --> 00:10:29.440 know up for yourself. In other words, learn yourself, understand 135 00:10:29.519 --> 00:10:33.440 who you are, where the triggers come from. DC. It's 136 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:37.039 the easiest breakup in the world. They'll realize what I 137 00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:41.519 was with them for is no longer here one nine, 138 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:43.480 twenty fifteen eighty. Get to your phone lines, get ready, 139 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:45.960 get ready to get ready to get ready. The deeper question 140 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:53.399 concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation 141 00:10:53.879 --> 00:10:59.919 reaches outward and finds no cooperating response. Can you be 142 00:11:00.120 --> 00:11:02.399 honest with yourself and ask how many times have you 143 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:07.480 cooperated with their wounds demands? You were the mooring for 144 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:10.440 the wound. You didn't hold them down, You held the 145 00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:18.840 wound down. Sheees, Here lies the possibility of a different intimacy. 146 00:11:19.960 --> 00:11:25.039 I can care about your fear without obeying it. I 147 00:11:25.080 --> 00:11:31.879 can hear your accusation without manufacturing a defense merely because 148 00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:37.559 you expected one. Your distance can hurt without forcing me 149 00:11:38.360 --> 00:11:43.039 to run up after you. Your anger can register in my 150 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:48.399 body without becoming the author of my behavior. You made 151 00:11:48.440 --> 00:11:51.200 me do it. How many times you should see what 152 00:11:51.240 --> 00:11:53.799 you made me do? How many times have you heard it? 153 00:11:56.480 --> 00:12:00.399 Your distance can hurt without forcing me to chase you. 154 00:12:00.440 --> 00:12:03.240 I'm not gonna run up after you. I told a 155 00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:05.360 girl who told me she was an avoidant. I said, 156 00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:08.080 I want you to know this from the front door 157 00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:09.200 of this interaction. 158 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:12.559 I will never chase you. 159 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:17.320 It hit her in such a way because she said 160 00:12:17.320 --> 00:12:22.279 to herself, why would you say that? Because the way 161 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:28.600 she's designed for relationships, it's I get meaning from being chased. Well, 162 00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:33.840 then this relationship will be meaningless for you because I 163 00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:38.919 will never chase you. I need you to understand that, 164 00:12:40.600 --> 00:12:44.960 not ever will I chase you. Not ever will I perform, prove, 165 00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:51.519 or manufacture interest because you're bored. Never ever will I 166 00:12:51.639 --> 00:12:55.879 ever be called to the floor for a lack of presence. 167 00:12:56.519 --> 00:13:00.679 But you will never get a performance under nine twenty 168 00:13:00.679 --> 00:13:02.360 fifteen eighty. Get to your phone line. Get to your 169 00:13:02.360 --> 00:13:04.440 phone line. I need to talk to y'all tonight. Your 170 00:13:04.519 --> 00:13:08.240 anger can register in my body without becoming the author 171 00:13:08.519 --> 00:13:16.919 of my behavior. Compassion does not require psychological conscription. This 172 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:22.240 matters because relationships form systems, patterns. Repeated responses can reinforce 173 00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:27.200 repeated executions until two histories begin operating as though they 174 00:13:27.240 --> 00:13:31.120 were one present reality. I'm not gonna date your history. 175 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:34.120 I'm not gonna moore. I'm not gonna be the mooring 176 00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:37.960 that holds your history down. Damn your history. If you 177 00:13:38.159 --> 00:13:41.399 bring your history in here for me to reenact some 178 00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:45.080 role that broke you five years ago, ten years ago, 179 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:48.559 all the way back to childhood, We're not having a relationship. 180 00:13:48.679 --> 00:13:50.240 We're having an intimate play. 181 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:55.559 This is theater. I'm not here to be an actor 182 00:13:55.759 --> 00:14:01.679 a thesbian in your internal soap opera. I'm not signing 183 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:07.399 up for this, do you see? But more importantly, I'm 184 00:14:07.399 --> 00:14:12.519 not gonna blame you because I'm here. I'm here because 185 00:14:12.600 --> 00:14:17.759 I'm unresolved internally. Oops, boot and nobody see you love 186 00:14:17.799 --> 00:14:19.559 it when I'm saying it to them, But when you 187 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:22.360 say it back to yourself, well damn, how did you 188 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:25.279 get on stage? How did you get the script? And 189 00:14:25.399 --> 00:14:28.399 how did you remember the lines? And boy don't you 190 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:39.799 deliver them? Ooohhh? Do you understand tonight's topic. I refuse 191 00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:43.919 to hold your wound down. I refuse to be the 192 00:14:43.960 --> 00:14:48.200 mooring that your wound needs to stabilize itself. I'm not 193 00:14:48.360 --> 00:14:52.480 your wound's anchor. If you're coming into the relationship with 194 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:58.000 that expectation, get gone, get gone immediately. 195 00:14:58.120 --> 00:15:01.440 Yeah, get gone is the official way of saying. 196 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:08.159 Get up, body, get gone. Do you see? The voice 197 00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:10.799 of reason is on one tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, if 198 00:15:10.840 --> 00:15:12.559 you want to join the discussion, all you got to 199 00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:14.240 do is call me one eight hundred and nine twenty 200 00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:15.320 fifteen eighty. 201 00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:16.600 Let's get it. 202 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:21.159 Let's talk about superpowers. And when we talk about superpowers, 203 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:25.840 more often than not, we're talking about super strength or invisibility. 204 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:31.120 Or super speed, or even crazy insect bites. But there's 205 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:35.960 another superpower that a number of superheroes and super villains 206 00:15:36.039 --> 00:15:41.600 have that get zero credit, and that's this ability to 207 00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:46.840 sense or feel what others are feeling and or thinking. 208 00:15:47.799 --> 00:15:49.480 And that's an amazing. 209 00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:51.639 Superpower if you think about it right. Imagine you're walking 210 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:57.320 down the street and you can feel what others are feeling, 211 00:15:57.960 --> 00:15:59.840 or even you can see someone across the street in 212 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:02.240 feel that I'd be amazing. 213 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:04.519 What would you do with that superpower? 214 00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:08.399 And I asked that because research suggests that you do 215 00:16:08.519 --> 00:16:09.639 have that superpower. 216 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:13.919 When I was a kid, when I was really. 217 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:19.679 Little, I had this heightened sense, almost over heightened sense, 218 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:24.000 almost over sensitive sense of others negative emotional states. I 219 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:27.879 would become overwhelmed by them so much so that I 220 00:16:27.879 --> 00:16:33.320 would lose myself in others negative emotional states, like their 221 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:37.000 sadness or their anger or their fear, and I would 222 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:42.799 do anything to try to move that person into a 223 00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:47.360 more positive emotional state. And over time that became so 224 00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:50.879 burdensome that I would start to remove myself from those 225 00:16:50.919 --> 00:16:54.000 situations in which I would feel those negative states from others, 226 00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:58.720 discontinue friendships, distance, myself from interpersonal interaction. 227 00:17:00.120 --> 00:17:03.799 Hear the story he's laying out, Andy, who is that? 228 00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:13.400 Michael le Barrett, Michael Leek Right, you hear the story, 229 00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:19.240 You've heard it. It's all too familiar. I swear God 230 00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:24.039 has put me on this something to change the way 231 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:30.319 we see relationships. I'm studying, I'm researching. I'm going deeper 232 00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:34.359 and deeper and deeper, and I'm seeing clearer and clearer 233 00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:44.920 and clearer. Need is the real sin? It is John 234 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:52.079 fourteen twelve. Verily, whenever Christ stepped in a room, normally 235 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:57.519 he would say verily. Verily comes from you know, Greek 236 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:02.559 and Latin vatter toass means true, so it needs verily, Verily, 237 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:06.319 I say unto you. He's saying, truth is truth el 238 00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:10.599 huck el huck in Hebrew, truth is truth, verily, verily, verily. 239 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:14.039 When I say unto you, he says, verily, truly, I 240 00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:18.400 tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works 241 00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:23.640 I have been doing, and they will do even greater 242 00:18:24.039 --> 00:18:27.839 things than these, because I am going to the Father. 243 00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:34.599 Let me stop it again, John fourteen twelve. Verily, truly, verily, verily, 244 00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:38.160 I tell you, whoever believes in me, listen, stop right now. 245 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:41.000 What he's saying is not just believe in the sense 246 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:45.880 of the word believe from Middle English belologgio or be 247 00:18:46.119 --> 00:18:49.319 lie to give the lie away as a gift b 248 00:18:49.559 --> 00:18:54.319 e l i e v e. Belie is the root 249 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:56.839 word of believe. It means to give the lie away. No, 250 00:18:57.000 --> 00:19:01.200 what he's saying is belief in the sense of emby me, 251 00:19:01.480 --> 00:19:04.480 what I do, the work I do, You go on 252 00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:10.920 and do even greater things than I. Jesus didn't have 253 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:16.559 a need. Why do you? You're clinging your needs, your 254 00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:21.440 mooring to somebody. You're anchoring to somebody is rooted for 255 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:24.680 a person, for a purpose. It is not there for 256 00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:27.519 a long time. It is not there for we're gonna 257 00:19:27.559 --> 00:19:31.000 be together forever. It's there so you can stay rooted 258 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:35.799 to the purpose of understanding yourself and undoing the work. 259 00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:40.880 The curriculum that shows up in the relationship, the mirror 260 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:44.759 of relationship is showing you. The trigger is showing you 261 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:50.799 where to start the work on you. I cannot be 262 00:19:50.920 --> 00:19:55.839 the mooring that holds your wound down. When we come forward, 263 00:19:57.640 --> 00:19:58.640 I'm gonna keep cooking. 264 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.400 Everyone is in the middle of a life story, and 265 00:20:03.480 --> 00:20:07.119 your story is being shaped by what you were saying 266 00:20:07.240 --> 00:20:10.799 yes too, and what you were saying no to your 267 00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:15.079 yeses and nos, or what boundaries are made of? So 268 00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:19.920 what are boundaries, how do we build them? How do 269 00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.359 we heal when our boundaries are violated? And how do 270 00:20:24.440 --> 00:20:28.799 we push through boundaries? These questions have been the center 271 00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:31.720 of my life and my work. When I was a 272 00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:34.920 little kid and my world was just my family, I 273 00:20:35.079 --> 00:20:37.720 was pretty sure we were the only one struggling with 274 00:20:37.799 --> 00:20:41.440 those questions. And then I grew up and I became 275 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:45.559 a family therapist, and I saw lots of people struggling 276 00:20:45.559 --> 00:20:48.720 with these questions. And when I took a detour and 277 00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:55.759 ran nonprofits, I saw communities and leaders struggling with these questions. 278 00:20:56.599 --> 00:20:59.480 So now I teach workshops and wrote a book to 279 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:03.680 help people people answer these questions. And as people answer 280 00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:07.759 these questions and learn more about their boundaries, I've watched 281 00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:09.799 hundreds of people make the journey for. 282 00:21:10.359 --> 00:21:12.799 I love it. I love it. I love the boundary talk. 283 00:21:12.839 --> 00:21:18.119 Who is that Andy Serry Gilman? Love it? Love it, 284 00:21:18.200 --> 00:21:24.359 love it. I love the boundary talk. It's cute. 285 00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:27.480 Oh it's cute. 286 00:21:27.640 --> 00:21:30.599 But I'm here to tell you your job is to 287 00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:35.480 fight the pattern. Listen to what I'm about to say 288 00:21:35.480 --> 00:21:40.559 to you. Because I have no mooring for your wounds 289 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:43.559 to latch on to. You, don't get to latch on. 290 00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:47.640 I am not the anchor for your room. Listen. She 291 00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:54.920 said something very powerful there about how life is shaped 292 00:21:55.240 --> 00:21:58.920 from our yeses and nos. I'm about to give you 293 00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:03.480 a spiritual chief code. Don't accept the pattern that comes 294 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:08.640 with the choice. Wait a minute, old, wait, wait what Yeah. 295 00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:12.599 Sometimes when you choose and you lose and it hurts, 296 00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:18.640 you internalize, and now you've accepted the pattern of the loss. 297 00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:23.440 Sometimes when you win, your head get too big again. 298 00:22:23.759 --> 00:22:27.240 The spiritualists would tell you, don't get too high, don't 299 00:22:27.240 --> 00:22:31.079 get too low. When things are going well, don't lose 300 00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:34.000 sight of it. Don't get all I'm better than you. 301 00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:36.200 I'm just do you see what I'm saying. When things 302 00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.200 are going bad, don't worry about it. These things change, 303 00:22:39.240 --> 00:22:44.440 This too shall pass DC. Don't accept the pattern that 304 00:22:44.519 --> 00:22:49.839 comes with the choice. The Kabbalian teachers stay in the middle. 305 00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:52.960 The Master is not moved by the swing of the 306 00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:56.839 pendulum to the left and the right. The pendulum is 307 00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:02.119 a metaphor, a metaphor for what life. Life has perturbations, 308 00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:05.640 left and right, up and down, back and forth. Don't 309 00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:10.480 be moved. Don't accept the pattern of what the choice 310 00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:13.960 comes with, whether it's a good choice or a bad choice. 311 00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:16.039 So many times I chose the wrong person or you 312 00:23:16.200 --> 00:23:20.000 chose the right person for right now, for this level 313 00:23:20.039 --> 00:23:23.640 of development that you're currently living in. Every person you've 314 00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:28.240 ever dated is really a self audit. It's a chance 315 00:23:28.519 --> 00:23:32.920 to do a self audit. That's what relationship is about. 316 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:38.240 I have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto. 317 00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:42.400 Somebody said, what's the spelling of mooring and what does 318 00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:48.960 mooring mean? Mooring moo r, I n G. Mooring refers 319 00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:56.680 to the equipment such as ropes, chains and anchors, or 320 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:02.480 the designated place such as a bowie appear or a 321 00:24:02.519 --> 00:24:07.920 dock used to secure a boat or a ship in 322 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:12.000 a fixed position. See many of you want your partner 323 00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:17.920 to secure your wound in a fixed position, right, You 324 00:24:18.039 --> 00:24:21.319 want them to be the dock that the wound can 325 00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:26.119 dock in. Oh, I feel safe. Listen, you feel safe 326 00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:29.200 because you're docked. But do you know how to feel 327 00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:32.400 safe when you're not docked? Oh? You didn't put up? 328 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:36.240 You done built a codependent relationship with the dock. You 329 00:24:36.359 --> 00:24:38.880 never were taught that you can be the dock for 330 00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.400 your own wound. Oh. I know you don't want to 331 00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:44.000 hear it put that way tonight, but I'm gonna do it, 332 00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:47.480 and I'm not gonna stop. Tonight's topic is one of 333 00:24:47.480 --> 00:24:49.079 those topics. We've got to call her on the line, 334 00:24:49.279 --> 00:24:53.200 calling only from New York. You already know who it is, 335 00:24:54.680 --> 00:24:57.799 one of our new legends into the voice of reason, 336 00:24:58.440 --> 00:25:02.240 Wiggy Jamaica Queen's what are your thoughts on tonight's topic? 337 00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:08.960 Oh, thank you so much, Joe Williams and family. This 338 00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:13.759 is hell of This is heck of a conversation. As 339 00:25:13.799 --> 00:25:18.000 a matter of fact, I'm gonna plead guilty to the moring. 340 00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:25.759 I think I actually uh had done that myself. I had, 341 00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:29.400 you know, asked that someone be you know, take up 342 00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:34.440 moring on my behalf. So this is I don't know where, 343 00:25:34.759 --> 00:25:38.440 I don't know, but this had been heavy on my mind. 344 00:25:39.319 --> 00:25:45.200 But my concern Okay, now I know at some point, 345 00:25:45.319 --> 00:25:47.160 and I know I'm not the only one. There's plenty 346 00:25:47.240 --> 00:25:49.880 of them, and I know they're not going to expose themselves, 347 00:25:49.920 --> 00:25:52.119 but y'all are out there, and you know you're guilty too. 348 00:25:53.000 --> 00:26:01.079 But what I'm saying is I admit to not having 349 00:26:01.799 --> 00:26:05.119 the skills at this particular moment. And I know that 350 00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:10.039 I'll get the skills, you know, as I learn and 351 00:26:10.079 --> 00:26:15.119 I adapt. But I think what I'm feeling this is 352 00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:21.720 how only me speaking. Don't accept it, don't you know, 353 00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:29.200 Like that's the biggest takeaway that I'm receiving. Don't accept it. 354 00:26:29.799 --> 00:26:37.079 Don't put yourself in a position to accept the mooring 355 00:26:38.200 --> 00:26:41.480 and then say, well, I'll just deal with it. No, 356 00:26:42.920 --> 00:26:46.400 make a decision, I mean, don't go back on that. 357 00:26:46.519 --> 00:26:49.559 You're not going to accept the morning and I'm going 358 00:26:49.599 --> 00:26:50.759 to hang up and listen. 359 00:26:50.920 --> 00:26:55.079 Okay, but guess what you just did though? 360 00:26:55.799 --> 00:27:00.920 Oh I bought you make a queen into the so Williams. 361 00:27:01.079 --> 00:27:08.359 That's changed this foolishnis the conversation. Okay, we love it, 362 00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:10.759 we love it, we love it. That was Wiggy Hill 363 00:27:10.839 --> 00:27:15.480 Wilson from New York, Jamaica. Queens, I'm back on it, 364 00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:21.359 though I can't let John fourteen twelve get away verily. Truly. 365 00:27:21.400 --> 00:27:24.720 I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the 366 00:27:24.759 --> 00:27:30.400 works I have been doing, and they will go do 367 00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:33.759 even greater things than these, because I am going to 368 00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:39.160 the Father. Listen. Christ was talking about embodiment of his 369 00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:42.519 work to be able to do it. He he gave 370 00:27:42.599 --> 00:27:48.119 Peter an opportunity. Peter could he practiced walking on water. 371 00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:50.839 Peter got all, he got a few steps in, didn't 372 00:27:50.839 --> 00:27:55.559 he and then started to doubt. Yeah. Christ was like no, no, 373 00:27:56.279 --> 00:27:57.759 as soon as he put him back an o ye 374 00:27:57.880 --> 00:28:01.839 of little faith. Do you understand how you want to 375 00:28:01.920 --> 00:28:05.759 be with Christ and have Christ's powers yet still have 376 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:10.440 need an intimate relationship? Need is the ultimate sin. Christ 377 00:28:10.519 --> 00:28:14.079 is saying, you got to embody these things. What is 378 00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:17.279 Zoe Williams telling you to do? You got to embody 379 00:28:17.599 --> 00:28:24.039 self love, self acceptance, self approval, self acknowledgment, happiness, self esteem, 380 00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:29.119 self worth, self validation. You've got to embody self love, 381 00:28:29.400 --> 00:28:36.000 self empathy, self sympathy, not from a narcissistic perspective, because 382 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:40.640 if you don't, all of that becomes an expectation for 383 00:28:40.759 --> 00:28:44.680 your mirror, and your mirror is only coming into your 384 00:28:44.759 --> 00:28:52.799 life to show you what the curriculum is dacy. Zoe 385 00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:58.279 is telling you tonight, I have no mooring. Your wounds 386 00:28:58.279 --> 00:29:03.039 can't dock here. That's what I'm here to tell you 387 00:29:03.119 --> 00:29:07.400 it is unfair to think that your partner is supposed 388 00:29:07.440 --> 00:29:11.319 to be the doc that your wound gets to tie 389 00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:16.720 itself to. He said, Oh, that's a great partner because 390 00:29:17.039 --> 00:29:21.359 they let me dock my wounds at their peer. No, 391 00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:25.039 you're not gonna do that to me. I'm not responsible 392 00:29:25.359 --> 00:29:32.359 for your individuation. I'm not responsible for your internal elevation. 393 00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.880 I am only responsible for the mirror reflection of it. 394 00:29:38.279 --> 00:29:41.759 You take the reflection and last, my brother Tony says, 395 00:29:42.039 --> 00:29:46.599 then you go right to the correction. But it's self correction. Nah, 396 00:29:46.920 --> 00:29:51.960 you'd rather leave yourself broken and then manage your partner 397 00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:55.279 and try to control them and try to critique their 398 00:29:55.319 --> 00:30:02.960 spiritual Listen when we come forward, voice of reason, Woo, 399 00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:04.160 I'm on one tonight. 400 00:30:04.279 --> 00:30:05.000 Let's get it. 401 00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:05.720