Speaker 1: Love is a classroom dating, falling in love, making love,
Speaker 1: fighting forgiving, building a life together. These are some of
Speaker 1: the most powerful teachers on the planet, offering us lessons
Speaker 1: about trust, vulnerability, and empathy. Loving and being loved holds
Speaker 1: the power to grow us and heal us, making us
Speaker 1: into kinder and wiser versions of ourselves. But not until
Speaker 1: and unless we commit to practicing self awareness so we
Speaker 1: understand who we've been, who we are, and who we
Speaker 1: want to be. For decades, I lived with a kind
Speaker 1: of split inside of me. I am nerdy like homework
Speaker 1: is literally a joy nerdy. I'm also somebody who's fascinated
Speaker 1: by love and sex and pleasure and an eighties girl,
Speaker 1: which means that on Sunday nights, I would sneak off
Speaker 1: into my room with my Walkman and hide under my
Speaker 1: covers so I could listen to Piana Nearing sex educator
Speaker 1: doctor Ruth Westheimer. And all of my pleasure reading as
Speaker 1: I was growing up was quite literally pleasure reading, because
Speaker 1: I opted for romance novels and I read those steamy
Speaker 1: sex scenes again and again, captivated by the physical and
Speaker 1: emotional intensity of.
Speaker 2: All of it.
Speaker 1: But I felt clear these parts of me needed to
Speaker 1: stay separate, the good girl, the bad girl, the proud girl,
Speaker 1: the shameful girl. Perhaps in an unconscious effort to mend
Speaker 1: this split, I grew up to become a psychologist who
Speaker 1: specializes in love, sex, and marriage. But clinical training in
Speaker 1: human sexuality from my own field went like this, Once
Speaker 1: you get the couple to argue less and communicate more effectively,
Speaker 1: the sex will follow.
Speaker 3: End of training.
Speaker 1: Not kidding, this message reinforced in me the idea that
Speaker 1: conversations about love or overhear, and conversations about the erotic
Speaker 1: or over here respect unmentionable. I can stand before you,
Speaker 1: as a clinician, a professor, a wife, mother, friend, sharing
Speaker 1: this vulnerable truth because here's what I've come to realize.
Speaker 1: I'm far from alone in my journey to integrate my
Speaker 1: erotic self with the rest of me. I teach a
Speaker 1: popular undergraduate course at Northwestern University called Building Loving and
Speaker 1: Lasting Relationships Marriage one on one, and some of my
Speaker 1: students are well on their way to cultivating sexual and
Speaker 1: relational self awareness, and their journeys teach inspire and embolden me.
Speaker 1: But for every revolutionary I have, I have so many
Speaker 1: students who are some of the smartest people on the planet,
Speaker 1: but whose erotic knowledge lags far behind. Male students who
Speaker 1: tell me the vast majority of their sex education was
Speaker 1: provided to them by porn hub because they were ashamed
Speaker 1: of their questions and afraid that admitting not knowing would
Speaker 1: mean they were somehow not man enough. And female students
Speaker 1: who tell me the idea that sex ought to feel
Speaker 1: good for them is a novel concept.
Speaker 3: Andy, please, my brother, enlighten me. Who's that Alexandria Solomon.
Speaker 3: Alexandra Solomon, she was cooking. I love the way she sounds.
Speaker 3: But let's go into this topic tonight. You already know
Speaker 3: what it is. The voice of reason has returned to
Speaker 3: the scene of the conversation, and so have you. I'm
Speaker 3: committed to my dying day to continue to push the
Speaker 3: conversations forward, the ideas forward. We tend to think that
Speaker 3: an idea, a concept, a theory, a belief is etched
Speaker 3: in divine or universal stone, and it's not. All of
Speaker 3: these ideas are transient, and it's our job to question them,
Speaker 3: to challenge them, to break them down, to rebuild stronger ideas,
Speaker 3: more sound, more nuanced, right ideas about love about interface
Speaker 3: right when I say interface, I mean intimate interface, us
Speaker 3: coming together intimately understanding our purpose here. And this is
Speaker 3: why The Voice of Reason is the type of show
Speaker 3: it is. Tonight's topic is one of those topics. I
Speaker 3: have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto a
Speaker 3: more right, a loop, a latch right something ships use
Speaker 3: to more down, batten down the hatches. I'm not here
Speaker 3: to batten down your intimate hatches, so to speak, for
Speaker 3: lack of a better word, right. What happens when one
Speaker 3: person's unresolved wounds encounters another person who no longer supplies
Speaker 3: the complimentary fear insecurity, guilt, rescuing, defensiveness, abandonment, anxiety, control,
Speaker 3: or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into a
Speaker 3: two person relational pattern Again, Sometimes people are labeling my
Speaker 3: perfect mate as someone who will hold their wound down,
Speaker 3: not hold them up, and inspire them to want to
Speaker 3: become psychologically free, psychologically nude, vulnerable, open their truest high
Speaker 3: itself without the residue of the past. Many people want
Speaker 3: their wound held down. I have no mooring for your
Speaker 3: wounds to latch onto. If you're coming to me because
Speaker 3: you believe me to be a wound grocery store where
Speaker 3: you could come in and buy all the products your
Speaker 3: wound needs to stay fresh, to stay fly, to stay fed.
Speaker 3: I'm not the person. I've seen the comments online. Don't
Speaker 3: listen to Zoe Williams's Voice of Reason show unless you're
Speaker 3: ready to confront yourself. Yeah, this is these are comments
Speaker 3: out there. Is Zoe Williams show is uncomfortable? Oh, I've
Speaker 3: heard the comments about some of the books I've written.
Speaker 3: If you're not serious about looking at yourself, is it's
Speaker 3: an uncomfortable read? Yes it is. You're delusional if you
Speaker 3: think you get to punch your ticket right into self actualization, individuation, right,
Speaker 3: self realization without a little pain, it's unrealistic. Let me
Speaker 3: say it again. What happens when one person's unresolved wounds
Speaker 3: encounters another person who no longer supplies.
Speaker 4: The complementary fear insecurity?
Speaker 3: You know you date people that are insecure because it
Speaker 3: makes you feel secure.
Speaker 4: Don't Can we have the real conversation?
Speaker 3: They supply insecurity because you feel stronger around them. Right,
Speaker 3: They bring some guilt, they bring some rescuing defensiveness of randoment, anxiety,
Speaker 3: control or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into
Speaker 3: a two person relational pattern. I have no mooring for
Speaker 3: your wounds to latch onto. You don't get to I'm
Speaker 3: not here to hold the wound down. You don't get
Speaker 3: to latch on to me because I appear to be
Speaker 3: a pillar of strength. Oh my godness, I just need
Speaker 3: somebody to stand with me. Yes, that's because you never
Speaker 3: learned and never told that you can stand for yourself.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean it's a bad thing to have somebody
Speaker 3: to lean on. It does not mean that. But you're
Speaker 3: leaning on your partner for rest. But you're not supposed
Speaker 3: to stay in a state of rest or. I ain't
Speaker 3: gonna have my peace disturbed. Come on. Perhaps one of
Speaker 3: love's greatest tests arrives when your pain reaches for me
Speaker 3: and discovers that I will not become who your wound
Speaker 3: and your pain remembers, I'm not gonna become now. Your
Speaker 3: wound is not gonna cast me in that. Human wounds
Speaker 3: rarely remain private. They enter relationships carrying expectations shaped by
Speaker 3: earlier experience. Abandonment may anticipate pursuit. Distrust may provoke.
Speaker 4: Incessant, endless interrogation.
Speaker 3: Fear may seek control somebody who is internally fearful. All
Speaker 3: you gotta do is look at them control freaks. They
Speaker 3: are scared to death. They're afraid. That's why they seek
Speaker 3: to control. Fear may seek to control every single outcome.
Speaker 3: Shame may invite rescue. Listen to that shame may invite rescue.
Speaker 3: None of this means every wounded person behaves identically, nor
Speaker 3: that another person causes is the wound. The deeper question
Speaker 3: concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation
Speaker 3: reaches upwards and finds no cooperating response. You want to
Speaker 3: break up, All you gotta do is grow up. You
Speaker 3: want to get rid of somebody you tired of them.
Speaker 3: All you gotta do is grow up, show up for yourself,
Speaker 3: know up for yourself. In other words, learn yourself, understand
Speaker 3: who you are, where the triggers come from. DC. It's
Speaker 3: the easiest breakup in the world. They'll realize what I
Speaker 3: was with them for is no longer here one nine,
Speaker 3: twenty fifteen eighty. Get to your phone lines, get ready,
Speaker 3: get ready to get ready to get ready. The deeper question
Speaker 3: concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation
Speaker 3: reaches outward and finds no cooperating response. Can you be
Speaker 3: honest with yourself and ask how many times have you
Speaker 3: cooperated with their wounds demands? You were the mooring for
Speaker 3: the wound. You didn't hold them down, You held the
Speaker 3: wound down. Sheees, Here lies the possibility of a different intimacy.
Speaker 3: I can care about your fear without obeying it. I
Speaker 3: can hear your accusation without manufacturing a defense merely because
Speaker 3: you expected one. Your distance can hurt without forcing me
Speaker 3: to run up after you. Your anger can register in my
Speaker 3: body without becoming the author of my behavior. You made
Speaker 3: me do it. How many times you should see what
Speaker 3: you made me do? How many times have you heard it?
Speaker 3: Your distance can hurt without forcing me to chase you.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna run up after you. I told a
Speaker 3: girl who told me she was an avoidant. I said,
Speaker 3: I want you to know this from the front door
Speaker 3: of this interaction.
Speaker 4: I will never chase you.
Speaker 3: It hit her in such a way because she said
Speaker 3: to herself, why would you say that? Because the way
Speaker 3: she's designed for relationships, it's I get meaning from being chased. Well,
Speaker 3: then this relationship will be meaningless for you because I
Speaker 3: will never chase you. I need you to understand that,
Speaker 3: not ever will I chase you. Not ever will I perform, prove,
Speaker 3: or manufacture interest because you're bored. Never ever will I
Speaker 3: ever be called to the floor for a lack of presence.
Speaker 3: But you will never get a performance under nine twenty
Speaker 3: fifteen eighty. Get to your phone line. Get to your
Speaker 3: phone line. I need to talk to y'all tonight. Your
Speaker 3: anger can register in my body without becoming the author
Speaker 3: of my behavior. Compassion does not require psychological conscription. This
Speaker 3: matters because relationships form systems, patterns. Repeated responses can reinforce
Speaker 3: repeated executions until two histories begin operating as though they
Speaker 3: were one present reality. I'm not gonna date your history.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna moore. I'm not gonna be the mooring
Speaker 3: that holds your history down. Damn your history. If you
Speaker 3: bring your history in here for me to reenact some
Speaker 3: role that broke you five years ago, ten years ago,
Speaker 3: all the way back to childhood, We're not having a relationship.
Speaker 4: We're having an intimate play.
Speaker 3: This is theater. I'm not here to be an actor
Speaker 3: a thesbian in your internal soap opera. I'm not signing
Speaker 3: up for this, do you see? But more importantly, I'm
Speaker 3: not gonna blame you because I'm here. I'm here because
Speaker 3: I'm unresolved internally. Oops, boot and nobody see you love
Speaker 3: it when I'm saying it to them, But when you
Speaker 3: say it back to yourself, well damn, how did you
Speaker 3: get on stage? How did you get the script? And
Speaker 3: how did you remember the lines? And boy don't you
Speaker 3: deliver them? Ooohhh? Do you understand tonight's topic. I refuse
Speaker 3: to hold your wound down. I refuse to be the
Speaker 3: mooring that your wound needs to stabilize itself. I'm not
Speaker 3: your wound's anchor. If you're coming into the relationship with
Speaker 3: that expectation, get gone, get gone immediately.
Speaker 4: Yeah, get gone is the official way of saying.
Speaker 3: Get up, body, get gone. Do you see? The voice
Speaker 3: of reason is on one tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, if
Speaker 3: you want to join the discussion, all you got to
Speaker 3: do is call me one eight hundred and nine twenty
Speaker 3: fifteen eighty.
Speaker 4: Let's get it.
Speaker 5: Let's talk about superpowers. And when we talk about superpowers,
Speaker 5: more often than not, we're talking about super strength or invisibility.
Speaker 5: Or super speed, or even crazy insect bites. But there's
Speaker 5: another superpower that a number of superheroes and super villains
Speaker 5: have that get zero credit, and that's this ability to
Speaker 5: sense or feel what others are feeling and or thinking.
Speaker 3: And that's an amazing.
Speaker 5: Superpower if you think about it right. Imagine you're walking
Speaker 5: down the street and you can feel what others are feeling,
Speaker 5: or even you can see someone across the street in
Speaker 5: feel that I'd be amazing.
Speaker 3: What would you do with that superpower?
Speaker 5: And I asked that because research suggests that you do
Speaker 5: have that superpower.
Speaker 3: When I was a kid, when I was really.
Speaker 5: Little, I had this heightened sense, almost over heightened sense,
Speaker 5: almost over sensitive sense of others negative emotional states. I
Speaker 5: would become overwhelmed by them so much so that I
Speaker 5: would lose myself in others negative emotional states, like their
Speaker 5: sadness or their anger or their fear, and I would
Speaker 5: do anything to try to move that person into a
Speaker 5: more positive emotional state. And over time that became so
Speaker 5: burdensome that I would start to remove myself from those
Speaker 5: situations in which I would feel those negative states from others,
Speaker 5: discontinue friendships, distance, myself from interpersonal interaction.
Speaker 3: Hear the story he's laying out, Andy, who is that?
Speaker 3: Michael le Barrett, Michael Leek Right, you hear the story,
Speaker 3: You've heard it. It's all too familiar. I swear God
Speaker 3: has put me on this something to change the way
Speaker 3: we see relationships. I'm studying, I'm researching. I'm going deeper
Speaker 3: and deeper and deeper, and I'm seeing clearer and clearer
Speaker 3: and clearer. Need is the real sin? It is John
Speaker 3: fourteen twelve. Verily, whenever Christ stepped in a room, normally
Speaker 3: he would say verily. Verily comes from you know, Greek
Speaker 3: and Latin vatter toass means true, so it needs verily, Verily,
Speaker 3: I say unto you. He's saying, truth is truth el
Speaker 3: huck el huck in Hebrew, truth is truth, verily, verily, verily.
Speaker 3: When I say unto you, he says, verily, truly, I
Speaker 3: tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works
Speaker 3: I have been doing, and they will do even greater
Speaker 3: things than these, because I am going to the Father.
Speaker 3: Let me stop it again, John fourteen twelve. Verily, truly, verily, verily,
Speaker 3: I tell you, whoever believes in me, listen, stop right now.
Speaker 3: What he's saying is not just believe in the sense
Speaker 3: of the word believe from Middle English belologgio or be
Speaker 3: lie to give the lie away as a gift b
Speaker 3: e l i e v e. Belie is the root
Speaker 3: word of believe. It means to give the lie away. No,
Speaker 3: what he's saying is belief in the sense of emby me,
Speaker 3: what I do, the work I do, You go on
Speaker 3: and do even greater things than I. Jesus didn't have
Speaker 3: a need. Why do you? You're clinging your needs, your
Speaker 3: mooring to somebody. You're anchoring to somebody is rooted for
Speaker 3: a person, for a purpose. It is not there for
Speaker 3: a long time. It is not there for we're gonna
Speaker 3: be together forever. It's there so you can stay rooted
Speaker 3: to the purpose of understanding yourself and undoing the work.
Speaker 3: The curriculum that shows up in the relationship, the mirror
Speaker 3: of relationship is showing you. The trigger is showing you
Speaker 3: where to start the work on you. I cannot be
Speaker 3: the mooring that holds your wound down. When we come forward,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna keep cooking.
Speaker 6: Everyone is in the middle of a life story, and
Speaker 6: your story is being shaped by what you were saying
Speaker 6: yes too, and what you were saying no to your
Speaker 6: yeses and nos, or what boundaries are made of? So
Speaker 6: what are boundaries, how do we build them? How do
Speaker 6: we heal when our boundaries are violated? And how do
Speaker 6: we push through boundaries? These questions have been the center
Speaker 6: of my life and my work. When I was a
Speaker 6: little kid and my world was just my family, I
Speaker 6: was pretty sure we were the only one struggling with
Speaker 6: those questions. And then I grew up and I became
Speaker 6: a family therapist, and I saw lots of people struggling
Speaker 6: with these questions. And when I took a detour and
Speaker 6: ran nonprofits, I saw communities and leaders struggling with these questions.
Speaker 6: So now I teach workshops and wrote a book to
Speaker 6: help people people answer these questions. And as people answer
Speaker 6: these questions and learn more about their boundaries, I've watched
Speaker 6: hundreds of people make the journey for.
Speaker 3: I love it. I love it. I love the boundary talk.
Speaker 3: Who is that Andy Serry Gilman? Love it? Love it,
Speaker 3: love it. I love the boundary talk. It's cute.
Speaker 4: Oh it's cute.
Speaker 3: But I'm here to tell you your job is to
Speaker 3: fight the pattern. Listen to what I'm about to say
Speaker 3: to you. Because I have no mooring for your wounds
Speaker 3: to latch on to. You, don't get to latch on.
Speaker 3: I am not the anchor for your room. Listen. She
Speaker 3: said something very powerful there about how life is shaped
Speaker 3: from our yeses and nos. I'm about to give you
Speaker 3: a spiritual chief code. Don't accept the pattern that comes
Speaker 3: with the choice. Wait a minute, old, wait, wait what Yeah.
Speaker 3: Sometimes when you choose and you lose and it hurts,
Speaker 3: you internalize, and now you've accepted the pattern of the loss.
Speaker 3: Sometimes when you win, your head get too big again.
Speaker 3: The spiritualists would tell you, don't get too high, don't
Speaker 3: get too low. When things are going well, don't lose
Speaker 3: sight of it. Don't get all I'm better than you.
Speaker 3: I'm just do you see what I'm saying. When things
Speaker 3: are going bad, don't worry about it. These things change,
Speaker 3: This too shall pass DC. Don't accept the pattern that
Speaker 3: comes with the choice. The Kabbalian teachers stay in the middle.
Speaker 3: The Master is not moved by the swing of the
Speaker 3: pendulum to the left and the right. The pendulum is
Speaker 3: a metaphor, a metaphor for what life. Life has perturbations,
Speaker 3: left and right, up and down, back and forth. Don't
Speaker 3: be moved. Don't accept the pattern of what the choice
Speaker 3: comes with, whether it's a good choice or a bad choice.
Speaker 3: So many times I chose the wrong person or you
Speaker 3: chose the right person for right now, for this level
Speaker 3: of development that you're currently living in. Every person you've
Speaker 3: ever dated is really a self audit. It's a chance
Speaker 3: to do a self audit. That's what relationship is about.
Speaker 4: I have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto.
Speaker 3: Somebody said, what's the spelling of mooring and what does
Speaker 3: mooring mean? Mooring moo r, I n G. Mooring refers
Speaker 3: to the equipment such as ropes, chains and anchors, or
Speaker 3: the designated place such as a bowie appear or a
Speaker 3: dock used to secure a boat or a ship in
Speaker 3: a fixed position. See many of you want your partner
Speaker 3: to secure your wound in a fixed position, right, You
Speaker 3: want them to be the dock that the wound can
Speaker 3: dock in. Oh, I feel safe. Listen, you feel safe
Speaker 3: because you're docked. But do you know how to feel
Speaker 3: safe when you're not docked? Oh? You didn't put up?
Speaker 3: You done built a codependent relationship with the dock. You
Speaker 3: never were taught that you can be the dock for
Speaker 3: your own wound. Oh. I know you don't want to
Speaker 3: hear it put that way tonight, but I'm gonna do it,
Speaker 3: and I'm not gonna stop. Tonight's topic is one of
Speaker 3: those topics. We've got to call her on the line,
Speaker 3: calling only from New York. You already know who it is,
Speaker 3: one of our new legends into the voice of reason,
Speaker 3: Wiggy Jamaica Queen's what are your thoughts on tonight's topic?
Speaker 7: Oh, thank you so much, Joe Williams and family. This
Speaker 7: is hell of This is heck of a conversation. As
Speaker 7: a matter of fact, I'm gonna plead guilty to the moring.
Speaker 7: I think I actually uh had done that myself. I had,
Speaker 7: you know, asked that someone be you know, take up
Speaker 7: moring on my behalf. So this is I don't know where,
Speaker 7: I don't know, but this had been heavy on my mind.
Speaker 7: But my concern Okay, now I know at some point,
Speaker 7: and I know I'm not the only one. There's plenty
Speaker 7: of them, and I know they're not going to expose themselves,
Speaker 7: but y'all are out there, and you know you're guilty too.
Speaker 7: But what I'm saying is I admit to not having
Speaker 7: the skills at this particular moment. And I know that
Speaker 7: I'll get the skills, you know, as I learn and
Speaker 7: I adapt. But I think what I'm feeling this is
Speaker 7: how only me speaking. Don't accept it, don't you know,
Speaker 7: Like that's the biggest takeaway that I'm receiving. Don't accept it.
Speaker 7: Don't put yourself in a position to accept the mooring
Speaker 7: and then say, well, I'll just deal with it. No,
Speaker 7: make a decision, I mean, don't go back on that.
Speaker 7: You're not going to accept the morning and I'm going
Speaker 7: to hang up and listen.
Speaker 3: Okay, but guess what you just did though?
Speaker 7: Oh I bought you make a queen into the so Williams.
Speaker 3: That's changed this foolishnis the conversation. Okay, we love it,
Speaker 3: we love it, we love it. That was Wiggy Hill
Speaker 3: Wilson from New York, Jamaica. Queens, I'm back on it,
Speaker 3: though I can't let John fourteen twelve get away verily. Truly.
Speaker 3: I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the
Speaker 3: works I have been doing, and they will go do
Speaker 3: even greater things than these, because I am going to
Speaker 3: the Father. Listen. Christ was talking about embodiment of his
Speaker 3: work to be able to do it. He he gave
Speaker 3: Peter an opportunity. Peter could he practiced walking on water.
Speaker 3: Peter got all, he got a few steps in, didn't
Speaker 3: he and then started to doubt. Yeah. Christ was like no, no,
Speaker 3: as soon as he put him back an o ye
Speaker 3: of little faith. Do you understand how you want to
Speaker 3: be with Christ and have Christ's powers yet still have
Speaker 3: need an intimate relationship? Need is the ultimate sin. Christ
Speaker 3: is saying, you got to embody these things. What is
Speaker 3: Zoe Williams telling you to do? You got to embody
Speaker 3: self love, self acceptance, self approval, self acknowledgment, happiness, self esteem,
Speaker 3: self worth, self validation. You've got to embody self love,
Speaker 3: self empathy, self sympathy, not from a narcissistic perspective, because
Speaker 3: if you don't, all of that becomes an expectation for
Speaker 3: your mirror, and your mirror is only coming into your
Speaker 3: life to show you what the curriculum is dacy. Zoe
Speaker 3: is telling you tonight, I have no mooring. Your wounds
Speaker 3: can't dock here. That's what I'm here to tell you
Speaker 3: it is unfair to think that your partner is supposed
Speaker 3: to be the doc that your wound gets to tie
Speaker 3: itself to. He said, Oh, that's a great partner because
Speaker 3: they let me dock my wounds at their peer. No,
Speaker 3: you're not gonna do that to me. I'm not responsible
Speaker 3: for your individuation. I'm not responsible for your internal elevation.
Speaker 3: I am only responsible for the mirror reflection of it.
Speaker 3: You take the reflection and last, my brother Tony says,
Speaker 3: then you go right to the correction. But it's self correction. Nah,
Speaker 3: you'd rather leave yourself broken and then manage your partner
Speaker 3: and try to control them and try to critique their
Speaker 3: spiritual Listen when we come forward, voice of reason, Woo,
Speaker 3: I'm on one tonight.
Speaker 4: Let's get it.
Speaker 3: Who are you?
Speaker 8: What do you want? Do you have the capacity to
Speaker 8: do that? These are questions my mother was never asked.
Speaker 8: These are questions she could have asked herself, Who am I?
Speaker 2: What do I want?
Speaker 8: Do I have the capacity to do that? My mother
Speaker 8: died at the age of thirty six from an HIV
Speaker 8: and AIDS related illness. She had four kids. I her
Speaker 8: eldest and only daughter, three boys, and a husband. Her husband,
Speaker 8: my stepfather, did not love her, could not love her,
Speaker 8: and would not love her. My mother endured years in
Speaker 8: a marriage where she had to negotiate for love and
Speaker 8: bargain for our safety. Prior to her untimely death, my
Speaker 8: mother spent most of her weekends chasing down women who
Speaker 8: were rumored to be her husband's mistresses. When she wasn't
Speaker 8: chasing these women, she was the one running from being
Speaker 8: physically assaulted by him. When the weight of the emotional, mental,
Speaker 8: physical abuse, as well as the infidelity became too heavy
Speaker 8: to bear, she would reach out to both sides of
Speaker 8: the family for help. She was constantly told to persevere.
Speaker 8: That would remind her of her role as a mother
Speaker 8: and wife, which included doing everything she could, including sacrificing herself,
Speaker 8: her health, her well being, her safety, her dreams, her
Speaker 8: self worth, her life in order to keep her family intact.
Speaker 8: That would also remind her of what.
Speaker 3: Andy who was that Kanyisa minneca on complete fire. By
Speaker 3: the way, this is you don't get to dock in
Speaker 3: my spirit. I know you want to be saved. I
Speaker 3: know you want to be sheltered. You deserve to be saved,
Speaker 3: but only you can save yourself.
Speaker 4: Do you understand? Listen, so many people.
Speaker 3: Live in the house of relationship, but their wounds are
Speaker 3: still houseless. They have wound houseless relationships. The wounds are unhoused.
Speaker 3: Your wound keeps bringing furniture, right, but I'm not giving
Speaker 3: it an address. You see, your wound keeps showing up
Speaker 3: like hey, and make a space for me. No, your
Speaker 3: wound can't live here. Do you understand? This captures what
Speaker 3: happens when an old relational pattern cannot establish residents in
Speaker 3: side the present relationship. To many of us allow our
Speaker 3: partner's room, our partner's wounds room and board well, because
Speaker 3: we together, they get to stay.
Speaker 4: No, those wounds are like an unwanted in law.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry fifteen eighty to get to your phone line.
Speaker 3: The person remains welcome, right, Their humanity remains welcomed, Their
Speaker 3: pain remains worthy of care. Right. The dysfunctional arrangement does
Speaker 3: not automatically receive tendency. You don't get to dock your
Speaker 3: wounds here. Zoe is trying to push a new narrative.
Speaker 3: Need is the original sin. God is needless. Christ was needless. Well,
Speaker 3: he had moments of need. When he said, my god,
Speaker 3: my God, why have thou forsaken me? Lemma? He said
Speaker 3: eli lemma subecthne, my god, my God, why have thou
Speaker 3: forsaken media?
Speaker 4: And even David said it as well. He felt forsaken.
Speaker 3: He had a moment of it, but he transcended that moment,
Speaker 3: and then he told us for those who believe, I
Speaker 3: tell you the truth. If you believe like me, and
Speaker 3: you embody what I know, you can escape psychological need.
Speaker 3: I don't believe the psychologist when they say we're gonna
Speaker 3: need each other all day. Yes, we can have bonds,
Speaker 3: but those bonds don't have to become prisons. They can
Speaker 3: be conscious bonds. I'm here because I want to be
Speaker 3: in a companionate and intimate and sexual and loving and
Speaker 3: happy relationship with you. I'm here because I wanna be.
Speaker 3: I'm not here because my wounds compel me to be.
Speaker 3: There's something about you that felt magical. No, that was
Speaker 3: your wound, saying his wound is compatible with our unhealed
Speaker 3: woud let's get together. Do you understand compassion can provide
Speaker 3: shelter to a person without providing permanent housing to their dysfunction.
Speaker 3: Do you understand, many people in intimate relationships today right now,
Speaker 3: got a piece a peace allergy. If chaos raised you,
Speaker 3: peace might break you out into psychological hives for peace allergy.
Speaker 3: If chaos raised you.
Speaker 4: Peace might break you out in psychological hives.
Speaker 3: Do you understand? This is why I'm doing this show.
Speaker 3: I'm saying the need was created by something oh early upbringing,
Speaker 3: something fractured.
Speaker 4: You that made you think you need something.
Speaker 3: He say, Oh, that's human biology, that's developmental psychology. These
Speaker 3: are the ericson and PSHA, and that's all of those guys. No,
Speaker 3: no science without spirituality is only one legged in its understanding.
Speaker 3: Do you understand I'm telling you you're not supposed to
Speaker 3: tie your partner's wound down to your dock. You're not
Speaker 3: supposed to anchor your partner's wounds at your dock. They
Speaker 3: come seeking a safe haven in you when you got
Speaker 3: work to do. I have no mooring for your wounds
Speaker 3: to latch onto. That's the topic tonight. I have no
Speaker 3: moorings for your wounds to latch onto. Your humanity is welcome,
Speaker 3: but your dysfunction is not. We don't even have the
Speaker 3: discernment necessary because all somebody got to do is fit
Speaker 3: what we own? What I'm looking for a fit. I'm
Speaker 3: looking Oh this feels right. Just because it feels right,
Speaker 3: don't mean it is right. Listen, when I come forward,
Speaker 3: I'm going back to the phone lines. We got some
Speaker 3: things to talk about.
Speaker 9: Imagine a little boy, the second of five children in
Speaker 9: a middle class family. His name is Billy.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 9: Billy was a smart, sensitive, and funny guy who loved
Speaker 9: to play tricks on his siblings, and he was very
Speaker 9: close to his dad. As a matter of fact, Billy's
Speaker 9: dad was his rock. When Billy was a freshman in college,
Speaker 9: his dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack,
Speaker 9: and Billy took it hard. Eventually, he started experimenting with
Speaker 9: drugs and quickly found his drug of choice, heroin. Unfortunately,
Speaker 9: Billy's addiction continued until he almost died of kidney failure.
Speaker 9: But over the course of the next decade, he was
Speaker 9: able to reunite with his family, and even though he
Speaker 9: had not been very present when his own kids were
Speaker 9: growing up, he was a favorite of his grandkids, who
Speaker 9: all called him Paupay. Billy died two years ago, but
Speaker 9: I learned a lot from him. I learned how trauma
Speaker 9: and loss can derail a person, robbing them of their
Speaker 9: life's potential. And I was puzzled, how could someone from
Speaker 9: such a good family end up with a heroine addiction?
Speaker 9: And I know many families in America are grappling with
Speaker 9: the same question now during the opiate epidemic. But the
Speaker 9: reason this bothered me and kept me looking is that
Speaker 9: what you don't know is Billy was my brother. I
Speaker 9: am a physician who specializes in treating eating disorders and addictions,
Speaker 9: but what I really do is work with survivors of trauma,
Speaker 9: because the vast majority of my patients with eating disorders
Speaker 9: and addictions have experienced abuse and neglect, witness violence, and
Speaker 9: suffered numerous losses, most before the age of eighteen, and
Speaker 9: that can be devastating. For example, adolescens with the history
Speaker 9: of abuse and neglect are three times more likely to
Speaker 9: have a drug and alcohol problem than those without.
Speaker 3: People going through things Andy, who is that speaking, Yes,
Speaker 3: Carolyn kocher Raw. I love it. She was cooking, and
Speaker 3: not everybody has that issue. But what I'm saying is
Speaker 3: we all have some fractures, we all have some breaks,
Speaker 3: and what I'm telling you to do is not to
Speaker 3: run to the relationship for comfort alone. I'm not saying
Speaker 3: relationships are not supposed to provide comfort. That's not what
Speaker 3: I'm saying. Sure, but the comfort must come from within
Speaker 3: so you can sustain comfort in any storm. D you see.
Speaker 3: Let me give you, guys an example before I go
Speaker 3: to my caller.
Speaker 4: I want you guys to understand.
Speaker 3: I think the minister can say it better than I
Speaker 3: can say it. This is how this show should make
Speaker 3: you feel when you tune in to the voice of reason.
Speaker 3: This is what is supposed to feel.
Speaker 10: Like my sentiment, I'm sorry, your time has come, has come,
Speaker 10: has come.
Speaker 3: No, God is present today. They need to be afraid.
Speaker 3: You need to be afraid today.
Speaker 10: Because the God of justice is present. Now, That's why
Speaker 10: he said vengeance is mind. The battle is not yours.
Speaker 10: The battle is the lord's. And God has come. The
Speaker 10: battle is on and the plagues are coming down.
Speaker 4: And no, I'm not.
Speaker 10: Afraid, but you need to be, and especially when you
Speaker 10: see what's coming up. Because as a man soweth the same,
Speaker 10: shall he also reap. And when you have done the
Speaker 10: evil that you've done to us and done it to others,
Speaker 10: did you never think that they would come when you
Speaker 10: would have to pay for all.
Speaker 3: That crap that you have done.
Speaker 10: Thomas Jefferson said it right, brother, he said, I tremble
Speaker 10: for my country when I reflect that God is just
Speaker 10: and that his justice cannot sleep forever.
Speaker 3: Well, his justice has awakened, and all over the world the.
Speaker 10: Nations are turning right before our eyes. And that's why
Speaker 10: Trump is saying, we gotta.
Speaker 3: Make America great.
Speaker 10: I win again, because she's not great today. People are
Speaker 10: not afraid. The world has taken enough of America's evil.
Speaker 10: So death is Sweden for the sun been continuing to
Speaker 10: live under white supremacy and under tyranny.
Speaker 3: So no, I don't care.
Speaker 10: Nothing about them investigating me or rather even.
Speaker 3: Hey, listen, this is the spirit of the voice of
Speaker 3: reason right now, do you understand? This is how you
Speaker 3: should be talking to your wounds instead of trying to
Speaker 3: more those wounds to some person, to somebody else's external doc.
Speaker 3: You should be looking at your wounds with love, with kindness.
Speaker 3: But you should also be saying, you don't get to
Speaker 3: stay here. The person comes into your life shows it
Speaker 3: to you, what are you supposed to do? You accept it? Oh?
Speaker 3: That is me. I got that from when I was
Speaker 3: a child, I still held on to that. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 3: that is me. Let me grab that wound and love
Speaker 3: on it. When the minister is speaking, he's speaking to
Speaker 3: his people in love. It sounds fiery, right, it sounds passionate,
Speaker 3: it sounds angry right.
Speaker 4: But he's speaking to his people in love.
Speaker 3: Right. I'm saying you have to have a fearlessness to
Speaker 3: look at your own wounds and stop bending the need
Speaker 3: to every one of their one of its dictates. Real
Speaker 3: love lives outside of the pattern that raised you. Real
Speaker 3: love lives outside of the survival pattern you created in
Speaker 3: order to have some semblance of peace around your original
Speaker 3: home environment. It's nobody's responsibility to make you feel more
Speaker 3: comfortable than you did with the first people that loved you.
Speaker 3: I don't know who that hit. I'm not throwing it
Speaker 3: at you, per se. I don't know who that last
Speaker 3: line hit. We got somebody on the lines. Let's get
Speaker 3: him in here. Valerie from Los Angeles. We went from
Speaker 3: New York to LA in just a short time. Valerie,
Speaker 3: what are your thoughts on tonight's.
Speaker 11: Topic story time?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I'm tripping tonight. I'm sorry.
Speaker 11: Oh no, story.
Speaker 3: Okay, let me get out your way.
Speaker 11: Yeah, no, you ain't ripting. You hearing me in the guest, No,
Speaker 11: you hear me in the throat. I had to decide
Speaker 11: which story was the most appropriate. That's how much you're
Speaker 11: hit me in the throat.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's hear it.
Speaker 11: I grew up in a household where if there were
Speaker 11: crumbs anywhere in the kitchen in the middle of the night,
Speaker 11: my mother would wake us loudly for half blank clean
Speaker 11: in her house and make us redo it. Sometimes all
Speaker 11: the dishes would come out of the tabnet. So to
Speaker 11: say that, I'm saying that because I developed OCD. Working
Speaker 11: in my library helped me channel that. So it's not compulsive.
Speaker 11: It's there, but it's not compulsive. So fast forward. I
Speaker 11: had it Donan over for dinner, and I'm making shrimp
Speaker 11: spring rolls and all the fixings, and so it's messy, topping,
Speaker 11: mixing stuff everywhere, no worries. And he grew up in
Speaker 11: a household where his mother did everything. So after dinner,
Speaker 11: I said down because I'm making them to order, rolling
Speaker 11: as we go, and I sit down.
Speaker 3: And light us.
Speaker 11: Lift and he goes into the kitchen and said, I
Speaker 11: don't know to. I guess to the dishes because half
Speaker 11: the time I cut and clean while I'm going. But
Speaker 11: when I'm doing something creative, it's gonna look like I
Speaker 11: did something creative. And I heard him from my kitchen.
Speaker 11: It's not a mansion, there's no east wing. He says,
Speaker 11: let me wash these dishes. So I didn't. I don't
Speaker 11: know who he's talking. He's in the kitchen, so about
Speaker 11: him saying anything. He came back into my front room
Speaker 11: and he said, well, yeah, let me wash those dishes
Speaker 11: for you. And I looked at him. He old me
Speaker 11: would have hopped up to perform my wound, but this
Speaker 11: me took a drag, looked at him and said, don't
Speaker 11: wash my dishes. They won't be here when he's done.
Speaker 11: But it's it's triggering you. You can go on and
Speaker 11: watch him and work through it, right, And that led
Speaker 11: to us some good conversation, and you know, I have
Speaker 11: my meditation and cleaned up after he left. But I
Speaker 11: say that because you know, the one thing that Satan
Speaker 11: and God can agree on is that we all fall short. Yes, right,
Speaker 11: But the arrogance of standing in the diagnosis like it's
Speaker 11: the destination.
Speaker 3: MM hmm.
Speaker 11: It's like stagging the water for me. I can't do it.
Speaker 11: Mm hmm. If you're if you're working, I don't care
Speaker 11: where you are in your journey, work right, but don't
Speaker 11: expect me to work around you. I got my sister fry,
Speaker 11: you got yours. Jesus ain't gonna ask you about me
Speaker 11: when you get the habb it. So you just you
Speaker 11: hit me, You hit a nerve because you know that's
Speaker 11: like it kind of a recent won't Oh, But it's
Speaker 11: just like no, like if if we're doing this, we're
Speaker 11: doing this. Acceptance is acceptance. If I can't accept it
Speaker 11: in me, then maybe you can. And if you can't,
Speaker 11: then maybe you should try the door.
Speaker 3: M hm.
Speaker 11: Because I'm not bending no more. Nobody waking me up
Speaker 11: in the middle of the night. You're looking for crumbs
Speaker 11: with somebody else. Least that monster is gone, you know.
Speaker 11: And those are those familiar spirits that answer it's not
Speaker 11: that people are possessed. I don't feel like, but I
Speaker 11: feel like people's wounds are cracked for patterns.
Speaker 3: M go ahead, I'm there.
Speaker 11: And those of those familiar spirits that trigger us and
Speaker 11: we go right back into the loop, right and that's
Speaker 11: the goal to take us off our square. So you know,
Speaker 11: you can give a person you know and doing your
Speaker 11: work and they're triggering you. It's not their job to
Speaker 11: not trigger you. It's your job to figure out why
Speaker 11: you're being triggered and go back to trace and heal,
Speaker 11: at and adapt. It's not a mechanism of manipulation. And
Speaker 11: after arrogance is the destination. Wow, even a person with
Speaker 11: cancer is fighting. Come on, like, don't you want to live?
Speaker 11: I'm okay, I'm sorry. I actually had a split tonight,
Speaker 11: so I'm gonna let y'all go.
Speaker 3: It's okay. Hey, listen, Valerie, guess what it is that
Speaker 3: you just did? Bro Oh my goodness from La Come on,
Speaker 3: she brought Los Angeles in the building. We appreciate Valerie
Speaker 3: so much, so much, love so much, so much, so much.
Speaker 3: You already know you can call any time. We love you.
Speaker 3: We love you. And if you want to bring your
Speaker 3: city in the building, you gotta. It was called us
Speaker 3: at one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty. I have
Speaker 3: no mooring for your wounds. They don't get the doc here.
Speaker 3: Sometimes what gets called no chemistry deserves investigation, right it
Speaker 3: is nothing happening or has nothing familiar gone wrong yet?
Speaker 12: Right?
Speaker 3: I know people don't want to hear me talk like this.
Speaker 3: Partnership permits shared regulation without transferring permanent ownership of one's
Speaker 3: internal state. I'm not responsible for how you heal. I'm
Speaker 3: not responsible for your insights. I don't believe that you
Speaker 3: know your choices shape your reality. When I say I
Speaker 3: don't believe it, I'm not saying it isn't true. What
Speaker 3: I'm saying is it doesn't have to be true. Resist
Speaker 3: the pattern that your choices present. Right, we can have
Speaker 3: a love that is moorningless, that doesn't have an anchor
Speaker 3: to it. Right. It does not mean emotional detachment, superiority,
Speaker 3: perfect healing, or immunity from pain. It describes connection with differentiation.
Speaker 3: Your history can enter our relationship without automatically receiving authority
Speaker 3: to assign my role inside of it. Listen when we
Speaker 3: come forward the voice of reason. I'm not gonna stop
Speaker 3: cooking what I've been cooking up all night. Let's get it.
Speaker 2: In the mid nineties, the CDC and Kaiser Permanente discovered
Speaker 2: an exposure that dramatically increased the risk for seven out
Speaker 2: of ten of the leading causes of death in the
Speaker 2: United States. In high doses, it affects brain development, the
Speaker 2: immune system, hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA
Speaker 2: is read and transcribed. Folks who are exposed in very
Speaker 2: high doses have triple the lifetime risk of heart disease
Speaker 2: and lung cancer and a twenty year difference in life expectancy.
Speaker 2: And yet doctors today are not trained in routine screening
Speaker 2: or treatment. Now, the exposure I'm talking about is not
Speaker 2: a pesticide or packaging chemical. It's childhood Traumaw Okay, what
Speaker 2: kind of trauma am I talking about here? I'm not
Speaker 2: talking about failing a test or losing a basketball game.
Speaker 2: I am talking about threats that are so severe or
Speaker 2: pervasive that they literally get under our skin and change
Speaker 2: our physiology. Things like abuse or neglect, or growing up
Speaker 2: with a parent who struggles with mental illness or substance dependence. Now,
Speaker 2: for a long time, I viewed these things in the
Speaker 2: way I was trained to view them, either as a
Speaker 2: social problem refer to social services, or as a mental
Speaker 2: health problem refer to mental health services. And then something
Speaker 2: happened to make me rethink my entire approach. When I
Speaker 2: finished my residency, I wanted to go someplace where I
Speaker 2: felt really needed, someplace where I could make a difference.
Speaker 2: So I came to work for California Pacific Medical Center,
Speaker 2: one of the best private hospitals in northern California, and
Speaker 2: together we opened a clinic in Bayview Hunter's Point, one
Speaker 2: of the poorest, most underserved neighborhoods in San Francisco. Now,
Speaker 2: prior to that point, there had been only one pediatrician
Speaker 2: in all of Bayview to serve more than ten thousand children.
Speaker 2: So we hung a shingle and we were able to
Speaker 2: provide top quality care regardless.
Speaker 3: Of ability to pay.
Speaker 2: It was so cool. We targeted the typical health disparities,
Speaker 2: access to care, immunization rates, asthma, hospitalization rates, and we
Speaker 2: hit all of our numbers. We felt very proud of ourselves.
Speaker 2: But then I started noticing a disturbing trend. A lot
Speaker 2: of kids were being referred to me for ADHD or
Speaker 2: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Speaker 3: But when I.
Speaker 2: Actually did a thorough history and physical what I found
Speaker 2: was that for most of my patients, I couldn't make
Speaker 2: a diagnosis of ADHD. Most of the kids I was
Speaker 2: seeing had experienced such severe trauma that it felt like
Speaker 2: something else was going on. Somehow I was missing something important.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: Before I did my residency, I did a master's degree
Speaker 2: in public health. And one of the things that they
Speaker 2: teach you in public health school is that if you're
Speaker 2: a doctor and you see one hundred kids that all
Speaker 2: drink from the same well and ninety eight of them
Speaker 2: develop diarrhea, you can go ahead and write that prescription
Speaker 2: for dose after dose after dose of antibiotics, or you
Speaker 2: can walk over and say, what the hell is in
Speaker 2: this well?
Speaker 11: So I began reading everything.
Speaker 2: That I could get my hands on about how exposure
Speaker 2: to adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children.
Speaker 3: And then one day my colleague.
Speaker 2: Walked into my office and he said, doctor Burke, have
Speaker 2: you seen this? In his hand was a copy of
Speaker 2: a research study called the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. That
Speaker 2: day change my clinical practice and ultimately my The Adverse
Speaker 2: Childhood Experience to Study is something that everybody needs to
Speaker 2: know about. It was done by doctor Vince Felidi at
Speaker 2: Kaiser and doctor Bob Anda at the CDC, and together
Speaker 2: they asked seventeen and a half thousand adults about their
Speaker 2: history of exposure to what they called adverse childhood experiences
Speaker 2: or aces. Those include physical, emotional or sexual abuse, physical
Speaker 2: or emotional neglect, parental mental illness, substance dependence, incarceration, parental
Speaker 2: separation or divorce, or domestic violence. For every yes, you
Speaker 2: would get a point on your ACE score, And then
Speaker 2: what they did was they correlated these ACE scores against
Speaker 2: health outcomes.
Speaker 12: Understand that the experience of love is the experience of
Speaker 12: the absence of separation. Yes, of course, I know you do.
Speaker 12: If love is the absence of separation, that is the
Speaker 12: absence of self or other How could a separate self
Speaker 12: either love or be lovable?
Speaker 11: M h.
Speaker 12: You are absolutely right that, whether or not our personal story,
Speaker 12: we have a personal story that accompanies and reinforces the
Speaker 12: belief I am unlovable. Some of us do have such
Speaker 12: a story, others don't. But for all, apparently, separate selves
Speaker 12: or the feeling of being unlovable and unable to love,
Speaker 12: accompanies the separate self because the existence of the separate
Speaker 12: self is the denial or refusal of love. So you're right.
Speaker 12: All separate selves, whether they have an accompanying, reinforcing story
Speaker 12: or not, are incapable of love, incapable either of giving
Speaker 12: love or of receiving love. And that is why so
Speaker 12: many people feel I am unlovable.
Speaker 3: Gosh, andy, who's that Rupert Spira was on fire? Ladies
Speaker 3: and gentlemen, you're listening to the voice of reason. You've
Speaker 3: returned to the scene of the conversation. Man, this is
Speaker 3: a real This is a real one right now tonight.
Speaker 3: And it's powerful what he's say separation, Where there's separation,
Speaker 3: there's no love right And what hit me as I'm
Speaker 3: listening to him. It's like our stories are mating, our
Speaker 3: stories are marrying, Our stories have compatibility. We got to
Speaker 3: have compatible stories. The wounds gotta have somewhat of this
Speaker 3: similar narrative. It's pattern matching all the way through. And
Speaker 3: what Rupert just explained about love, every time we're dealing
Speaker 3: with love, what are we dealing with a higher level
Speaker 3: of unconditionality. Every time we're dealing with wounds, we're dealing
Speaker 3: with a higher degree an intensification of conditions. And these
Speaker 3: conditions are contextualized as boundaries. As protective love is unconditionally free.
Speaker 3: I need you to understand more tonight's topic. I can't
Speaker 3: be the mooring for your wounds. Right, So, mooringless love
Speaker 3: does not mean emotional detachment. It does not mean superiority,
Speaker 3: and it also doesn't mean perfect healing. There's no such
Speaker 3: thing as perfect healing. Right, Nobody is healed more right
Speaker 3: than the next person. Right. You can say, oh, I'm
Speaker 3: more healed than my partner. It's impossible because you're not
Speaker 3: responsible for your partner's healing journey. You can be a
Speaker 3: witness of it, you can be a companion of it,
Speaker 3: but you can't say the level of my healing is
Speaker 3: higher than yours, because it's two different paths. Do you see? So,
Speaker 3: mooringless love, like I said, does not mean emotional detachment.
Speaker 3: That's not my problem. You deal with it. It does
Speaker 3: not mean superiority. I've healed more, I'm better. Thus I
Speaker 3: can teach you. Thus I can show you. It's not
Speaker 3: perfect healing. I've completed all twelve steps of internal healing.
Speaker 3: It's not that. Nor is it immunity from pain. See,
Speaker 3: we think when we heal, we're in heaven. No, you're
Speaker 3: in hell right now, called earth. This is all a
Speaker 3: test ground. So the lessons will keep coming, and your
Speaker 3: spirit will begin to evolve once you take on the
Speaker 3: challenge of conquering yourself. Instead of trying to have your
Speaker 3: wounds moored to your partner's peer and their wounds moored
Speaker 3: to yours, we need more ingless love. Right, your history
Speaker 3: can enter our relationship, that's okay, but it cannot be
Speaker 3: assigned authority to assign me a role inside that history. No.
Speaker 3: The metaphysical implication here becomes particularly interesting. If human beings
Speaker 3: repeatedly meet the present through the present, through inherited meanings, memories, expectations,
Speaker 3: and cultural scripts, love may occasionally provide something radically different,
Speaker 3: another consciousness that refuses to impersonate yesterday. I don't want
Speaker 3: to be the answer to what happened to yesterday. So
Speaker 3: many people's relationship is built on this premise. The external
Speaker 3: person is the source of my internal meaning, and if
Speaker 3: they crumble, everything falls. That's not how it's designed. DC.
Speaker 3: Maybe one of love's highest forms says, I will meet
Speaker 3: the person your wound protects. I simply will not become
Speaker 3: the person your wound requires. I'm not the mourning for it.
Speaker 3: I can't be what your wound requests. Stop it there.
Speaker 3: When we come forward, the voice of reason is getting
Speaker 3: ready to land the plane on this one.
Speaker 13: This has been exploited by man for thousands of years.
Speaker 13: They are destroying the forests, They're polluting the rivers, they're
Speaker 13: polluting the air. They're killing animals for pleasure, for food.
Speaker 13: This has been going on for millions of years. And
Speaker 13: Silvan when asks what your relationship it's nature? Is it
Speaker 13: merely exploitation that you're interested in being cold, getting gold
Speaker 13: out of the earth, or finding diamonds, or cutting down
Speaker 13: trees to build houses. Is that all your relationship with nature?
Speaker 13: If you have no relationship with nature, have you any
Speaker 13: relationship with your wife, with your husband, with your neighbor,
Speaker 13: have you any relationship at all? Have you inquired into that?
Speaker 13: Oh lord, oh lord, in that part of religion to
Speaker 13: find out what is true relationship? You all look so
Speaker 13: d do you all asleep?
Speaker 2: For one?
Speaker 3: I love it?
Speaker 4: Call them out, Murty, he said, you all look so dazed?
Speaker 3: Are you a sleep or what?
Speaker 13: No?
Speaker 3: Christiana Murty's he dealt what it do? People were afraid
Speaker 3: to speak up, afraid to be seen.
Speaker 13: Right.
Speaker 3: Tonight's topic was a heavy topic. Before asking whether your
Speaker 3: wounds can latch on to another person, we have to
Speaker 3: ask what consciousness participated in bringing us into direct proximity
Speaker 3: in the first place. How did we come to be
Speaker 3: in the same place at the same time? Right? Is
Speaker 3: it a conscious choice or is it an unconscious selection? Right?
Speaker 3: We use the word choice too casually in intimate relationships.
Speaker 3: I chose the wrong person. I finally chose the right person.
Speaker 3: God sent me this person, God sends you every person.
Speaker 3: This relationship was meant to be. Every relationship was meant
Speaker 3: to be. Again, those explanations become especially suspicious when they're
Speaker 3: meaning changes according to the outcome. It was God when
Speaker 3: it succeeds. So now I'm giving credit to God and
Speaker 3: divinity when the relationship is good. You know, destiny gets
Speaker 3: the credit, right, we were meant When it collapses, all
Speaker 3: the devil is busy. Right. Human judgment gets the blame
Speaker 3: or satan human judgment? Is I chose wrong? Right? Guilt
Speaker 3: and shame wrapped into that I didn't deserve better? Right.
Speaker 3: That creates an extraordinary philosophical loophole. Success becomes divine assignment,
Speaker 3: while failure becomes personal error. But what if both relationships
Speaker 3: contain choice? And what if neither choice begins where you
Speaker 3: think it begins? You can consciously choose a person while
Speaker 3: remaining largely unconscious of what is inside of you and
Speaker 3: what inside you finds that person compelling in the first place. Right,
Speaker 3: That distinction right there is crucial and it could become
Speaker 3: one of the deepest doors that we enter into this discussion.
Speaker 3: What inside of you is choosing? Right? Suppose I I
Speaker 3: told you I chose her, Fine, that's cool. Who is
Speaker 3: the eye making that statement? Is it me, Zoe the
Speaker 3: person or is it my wound speaking through me? Because
Speaker 3: my wound has a taste, has a style, has a
Speaker 3: vibe that it likes. Right? Is that me? Right? Is
Speaker 3: the chooser? Aware? Right? Who is the chooser? The aware
Speaker 3: adult standing in the present is abandonment of being left
Speaker 3: being right? The fear of abandonment is that choosing is loneliness.
Speaker 3: Choosing is sexual chemistry. Choosing is cultural conditioning. Choosing is
Speaker 3: the need for validation. Choosing it's familiarity choosing. See, it's
Speaker 3: easy to say I chose right, But what if? Again,
Speaker 3: the question is who is the eye speaking? Is it
Speaker 3: the identity that has a name, that has parents, or
Speaker 3: is it the fracture within the identity that has hijacked
Speaker 3: the identity? Right? Is the desire to rescue somebody. Choosing
Speaker 3: is the terror of being alone. Choosing is an increasingly
Speaker 3: integrated consciousness. Choosing right, same human being, very different choosers
Speaker 3: across the board. I want to know who's choosing? What
Speaker 3: about co creation, wound speaking, and hijacking? Right? And I
Speaker 3: got questions. I want to know, y'all. I want to
Speaker 3: know your thoughts on tonight's topic. I know it was
Speaker 3: a heavy topic, and I know I went ham and eggs,
Speaker 3: ham and eggs from the very beginning. I know I
Speaker 3: was on one, but I think it's important that we
Speaker 3: understand the real meaning of relationships. Right, What are you
Speaker 3: anchored to? Right? What are you anchored to? What is
Speaker 3: your anchor? A boat does not drift because another boat
Speaker 3: exists nearby. Its movements depend partly upon what holds it,
Speaker 3: what pulls it, and what it has been fastened to.
Speaker 3: Human intimacy may contain a similar problem we inner relationships,
Speaker 3: believing our attachment belongs exclusively to another person while remaining
Speaker 3: less conscious of the inner conditions through which we attach.
Speaker 3: Buddhist thought offers a difficult distinction. Here, Love and clinging
Speaker 3: do not mean the same thing. Clinging attempts to secure
Speaker 3: permanence from what cannot remain permanently arranged right, The partner
Speaker 3: must stay, desire must continue, reassurance must derive, identity must
Speaker 3: remain recognizable. The relationship becomes responsible for protecting an internal
Speaker 3: world from external change. That's impossible. Now place that insight
Speaker 3: inside of today's question of relational wounds. Suppose abandonment fear
Speaker 3: meets someone anchored to the fear of being alone. One
Speaker 3: wound reaches outward and finds another structure already prepared to
Speaker 3: hold it right. This person has a compatible wound. That's
Speaker 3: why I keep trying to tell y'all, there's no mooring
Speaker 3: for your wounds here, and that makes a person undateable.
Speaker 3: That makes a person unrelatable. DC tell me I'm wrong.
Speaker 3: I can be wrong. I'm not against being wrong. I
Speaker 3: don't think I know everything. As a matter of fact,
Speaker 3: the more I read, the more I study, the less
Speaker 3: I learn, or the less I know the more I learn,
Speaker 3: the less I know is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 3: But this is what it's looking like to me. But
Speaker 3: you already know how we do this. I start the conversations.
Speaker 3: It's up to you to finish them. I'm out tomorrow.
Speaker 3: You guys, wish me luck, send your prayers to me.
Speaker 3: Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. I will not be in tomorrow,
Speaker 3: but send me some love, send my family some love.
Speaker 3: We appreciate you tuning in to the voice of reason,
Speaker 3: and I'll see you guys on Thursday. Deuces,