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Speaker 1: Love is a classroom dating, falling in love, making love,

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fighting forgiving, building a life together. These are some of

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the most powerful teachers on the planet, offering us lessons

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about trust, vulnerability, and empathy. Loving and being loved holds

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the power to grow us and heal us, making us

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into kinder and wiser versions of ourselves. But not until

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and unless we commit to practicing self awareness so we

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understand who we've been, who we are, and who we

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want to be. For decades, I lived with a kind

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of split inside of me. I am nerdy like homework

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is literally a joy nerdy. I'm also somebody who's fascinated

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by love and sex and pleasure and an eighties girl,

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which means that on Sunday nights, I would sneak off

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into my room with my Walkman and hide under my

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covers so I could listen to Piana Nearing sex educator

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doctor Ruth Westheimer. And all of my pleasure reading as

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I was growing up was quite literally pleasure reading, because

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I opted for romance novels and I read those steamy

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sex scenes again and again, captivated by the physical and

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emotional intensity of.

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Speaker 2: All of it.

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Speaker 1: But I felt clear these parts of me needed to

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stay separate, the good girl, the bad girl, the proud girl,

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the shameful girl. Perhaps in an unconscious effort to mend

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this split, I grew up to become a psychologist who

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specializes in love, sex, and marriage. But clinical training in

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human sexuality from my own field went like this, Once

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you get the couple to argue less and communicate more effectively,

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the sex will follow.

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Speaker 3: End of training.

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Speaker 1: Not kidding, this message reinforced in me the idea that

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conversations about love or overhear, and conversations about the erotic

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or over here respect unmentionable. I can stand before you,

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as a clinician, a professor, a wife, mother, friend, sharing

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this vulnerable truth because here's what I've come to realize.

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I'm far from alone in my journey to integrate my

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erotic self with the rest of me. I teach a

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popular undergraduate course at Northwestern University called Building Loving and

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Lasting Relationships Marriage one on one, and some of my

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students are well on their way to cultivating sexual and

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relational self awareness, and their journeys teach inspire and embolden me.

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But for every revolutionary I have, I have so many

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students who are some of the smartest people on the planet,

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but whose erotic knowledge lags far behind. Male students who

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tell me the vast majority of their sex education was

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provided to them by porn hub because they were ashamed

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of their questions and afraid that admitting not knowing would

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mean they were somehow not man enough. And female students

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who tell me the idea that sex ought to feel

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good for them is a novel concept.

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Speaker 3: Andy, please, my brother, enlighten me. Who's that Alexandria Solomon.

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Alexandra Solomon, she was cooking. I love the way she sounds.

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But let's go into this topic tonight. You already know

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what it is. The voice of reason has returned to

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the scene of the conversation, and so have you. I'm

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committed to my dying day to continue to push the

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conversations forward, the ideas forward. We tend to think that

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an idea, a concept, a theory, a belief is etched

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in divine or universal stone, and it's not. All of

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these ideas are transient, and it's our job to question them,

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to challenge them, to break them down, to rebuild stronger ideas,

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more sound, more nuanced, right ideas about love about interface

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right when I say interface, I mean intimate interface, us

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coming together intimately understanding our purpose here. And this is

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why The Voice of Reason is the type of show

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it is. Tonight's topic is one of those topics. I

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have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto a

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more right, a loop, a latch right something ships use

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to more down, batten down the hatches. I'm not here

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to batten down your intimate hatches, so to speak, for

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lack of a better word, right. What happens when one

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person's unresolved wounds encounters another person who no longer supplies

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the complimentary fear insecurity, guilt, rescuing, defensiveness, abandonment, anxiety, control,

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or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into a

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two person relational pattern Again, Sometimes people are labeling my

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perfect mate as someone who will hold their wound down,

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not hold them up, and inspire them to want to

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become psychologically free, psychologically nude, vulnerable, open their truest high

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itself without the residue of the past. Many people want

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their wound held down. I have no mooring for your

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wounds to latch onto. If you're coming to me because

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you believe me to be a wound grocery store where

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you could come in and buy all the products your

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wound needs to stay fresh, to stay fly, to stay fed.

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I'm not the person. I've seen the comments online. Don't

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listen to Zoe Williams's Voice of Reason show unless you're

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ready to confront yourself. Yeah, this is these are comments

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out there. Is Zoe Williams show is uncomfortable? Oh, I've

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heard the comments about some of the books I've written.

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If you're not serious about looking at yourself, is it's

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an uncomfortable read? Yes it is. You're delusional if you

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think you get to punch your ticket right into self actualization, individuation, right,

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self realization without a little pain, it's unrealistic. Let me

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say it again. What happens when one person's unresolved wounds

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encounters another person who no longer supplies.

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Speaker 4: The complementary fear insecurity?

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Speaker 3: You know you date people that are insecure because it

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makes you feel secure.

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Speaker 4: Don't Can we have the real conversation?

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Speaker 3: They supply insecurity because you feel stronger around them. Right,

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They bring some guilt, they bring some rescuing defensiveness of randoment, anxiety,

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control or self erasure necessary to turn that wound into

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a two person relational pattern. I have no mooring for

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your wounds to latch onto. You don't get to I'm

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not here to hold the wound down. You don't get

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to latch on to me because I appear to be

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a pillar of strength. Oh my godness, I just need

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somebody to stand with me. Yes, that's because you never

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learned and never told that you can stand for yourself.

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It doesn't mean it's a bad thing to have somebody

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to lean on. It does not mean that. But you're

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leaning on your partner for rest. But you're not supposed

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to stay in a state of rest or. I ain't

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gonna have my peace disturbed. Come on. Perhaps one of

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love's greatest tests arrives when your pain reaches for me

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and discovers that I will not become who your wound

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and your pain remembers, I'm not gonna become now. Your

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wound is not gonna cast me in that. Human wounds

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rarely remain private. They enter relationships carrying expectations shaped by

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earlier experience. Abandonment may anticipate pursuit. Distrust may provoke.

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Speaker 4: Incessant, endless interrogation.

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Speaker 3: Fear may seek control somebody who is internally fearful. All

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you gotta do is look at them control freaks. They

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are scared to death. They're afraid. That's why they seek

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to control. Fear may seek to control every single outcome.

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Shame may invite rescue. Listen to that shame may invite rescue.

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None of this means every wounded person behaves identically, nor

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that another person causes is the wound. The deeper question

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concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation

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reaches upwards and finds no cooperating response. You want to

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break up, All you gotta do is grow up. You

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want to get rid of somebody you tired of them.

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All you gotta do is grow up, show up for yourself,

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know up for yourself. In other words, learn yourself, understand

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who you are, where the triggers come from. DC. It's

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the easiest breakup in the world. They'll realize what I

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was with them for is no longer here one nine,

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twenty fifteen eighty. Get to your phone lines, get ready,

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get ready to get ready to get ready. The deeper question

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concerns what happens between two people when an old expectation

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reaches outward and finds no cooperating response. Can you be

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honest with yourself and ask how many times have you

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cooperated with their wounds demands? You were the mooring for

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the wound. You didn't hold them down, You held the

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wound down. Sheees, Here lies the possibility of a different intimacy.

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I can care about your fear without obeying it. I

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can hear your accusation without manufacturing a defense merely because

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you expected one. Your distance can hurt without forcing me

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to run up after you. Your anger can register in my

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body without becoming the author of my behavior. You made

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me do it. How many times you should see what

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you made me do? How many times have you heard it?

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Your distance can hurt without forcing me to chase you.

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I'm not gonna run up after you. I told a

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girl who told me she was an avoidant. I said,

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I want you to know this from the front door

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of this interaction.

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Speaker 4: I will never chase you.

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Speaker 3: It hit her in such a way because she said

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to herself, why would you say that? Because the way

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she's designed for relationships, it's I get meaning from being chased. Well,

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then this relationship will be meaningless for you because I

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will never chase you. I need you to understand that,

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not ever will I chase you. Not ever will I perform, prove,

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or manufacture interest because you're bored. Never ever will I

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ever be called to the floor for a lack of presence.

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But you will never get a performance under nine twenty

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fifteen eighty. Get to your phone line. Get to your

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phone line. I need to talk to y'all tonight. Your

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anger can register in my body without becoming the author

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of my behavior. Compassion does not require psychological conscription. This

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matters because relationships form systems, patterns. Repeated responses can reinforce

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repeated executions until two histories begin operating as though they

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were one present reality. I'm not gonna date your history.

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I'm not gonna moore. I'm not gonna be the mooring

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that holds your history down. Damn your history. If you

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bring your history in here for me to reenact some

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role that broke you five years ago, ten years ago,

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all the way back to childhood, We're not having a relationship.

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Speaker 4: We're having an intimate play.

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Speaker 3: This is theater. I'm not here to be an actor

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a thesbian in your internal soap opera. I'm not signing

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up for this, do you see? But more importantly, I'm

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not gonna blame you because I'm here. I'm here because

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I'm unresolved internally. Oops, boot and nobody see you love

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it when I'm saying it to them, But when you

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say it back to yourself, well damn, how did you

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get on stage? How did you get the script? And

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how did you remember the lines? And boy don't you

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deliver them? Ooohhh? Do you understand tonight's topic. I refuse

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to hold your wound down. I refuse to be the

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mooring that your wound needs to stabilize itself. I'm not

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your wound's anchor. If you're coming into the relationship with

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that expectation, get gone, get gone immediately.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, get gone is the official way of saying.

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Speaker 3: Get up, body, get gone. Do you see? The voice

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of reason is on one tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, if

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you want to join the discussion, all you got to

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do is call me one eight hundred and nine twenty

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fifteen eighty.

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Speaker 4: Let's get it.

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Speaker 5: Let's talk about superpowers. And when we talk about superpowers,

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more often than not, we're talking about super strength or invisibility.

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Or super speed, or even crazy insect bites. But there's

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another superpower that a number of superheroes and super villains

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have that get zero credit, and that's this ability to

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sense or feel what others are feeling and or thinking.

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Speaker 3: And that's an amazing.

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Speaker 5: Superpower if you think about it right. Imagine you're walking

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down the street and you can feel what others are feeling,

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or even you can see someone across the street in

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feel that I'd be amazing.

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Speaker 3: What would you do with that superpower?

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Speaker 5: And I asked that because research suggests that you do

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have that superpower.

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Speaker 3: When I was a kid, when I was really.

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Speaker 5: Little, I had this heightened sense, almost over heightened sense,

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almost over sensitive sense of others negative emotional states. I

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would become overwhelmed by them so much so that I

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would lose myself in others negative emotional states, like their

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sadness or their anger or their fear, and I would

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do anything to try to move that person into a

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more positive emotional state. And over time that became so

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burdensome that I would start to remove myself from those

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situations in which I would feel those negative states from others,

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discontinue friendships, distance, myself from interpersonal interaction.

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Speaker 3: Hear the story he's laying out, Andy, who is that?

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Michael le Barrett, Michael Leek Right, you hear the story,

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You've heard it. It's all too familiar. I swear God

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has put me on this something to change the way

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we see relationships. I'm studying, I'm researching. I'm going deeper

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and deeper and deeper, and I'm seeing clearer and clearer

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and clearer. Need is the real sin? It is John

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fourteen twelve. Verily, whenever Christ stepped in a room, normally

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he would say verily. Verily comes from you know, Greek

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and Latin vatter toass means true, so it needs verily, Verily,

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I say unto you. He's saying, truth is truth el

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huck el huck in Hebrew, truth is truth, verily, verily, verily.

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When I say unto you, he says, verily, truly, I

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tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works

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I have been doing, and they will do even greater

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things than these, because I am going to the Father.

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Let me stop it again, John fourteen twelve. Verily, truly, verily, verily,

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I tell you, whoever believes in me, listen, stop right now.

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What he's saying is not just believe in the sense

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of the word believe from Middle English belologgio or be

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lie to give the lie away as a gift b

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e l i e v e. Belie is the root

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word of believe. It means to give the lie away. No,

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what he's saying is belief in the sense of emby me,

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what I do, the work I do, You go on

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and do even greater things than I. Jesus didn't have

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a need. Why do you? You're clinging your needs, your

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mooring to somebody. You're anchoring to somebody is rooted for

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a person, for a purpose. It is not there for

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a long time. It is not there for we're gonna

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be together forever. It's there so you can stay rooted

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to the purpose of understanding yourself and undoing the work.

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The curriculum that shows up in the relationship, the mirror

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of relationship is showing you. The trigger is showing you

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where to start the work on you. I cannot be

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the mooring that holds your wound down. When we come forward,

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I'm gonna keep cooking.

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Speaker 6: Everyone is in the middle of a life story, and

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your story is being shaped by what you were saying

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yes too, and what you were saying no to your

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yeses and nos, or what boundaries are made of? So

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what are boundaries, how do we build them? How do

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we heal when our boundaries are violated? And how do

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we push through boundaries? These questions have been the center

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of my life and my work. When I was a

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little kid and my world was just my family, I

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was pretty sure we were the only one struggling with

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those questions. And then I grew up and I became

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a family therapist, and I saw lots of people struggling

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with these questions. And when I took a detour and

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ran nonprofits, I saw communities and leaders struggling with these questions.

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So now I teach workshops and wrote a book to

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help people people answer these questions. And as people answer

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these questions and learn more about their boundaries, I've watched

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hundreds of people make the journey for.

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Speaker 3: I love it. I love it. I love the boundary talk.

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Who is that Andy Serry Gilman? Love it? Love it,

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love it. I love the boundary talk. It's cute.

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Speaker 4: Oh it's cute.

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Speaker 3: But I'm here to tell you your job is to

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fight the pattern. Listen to what I'm about to say

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to you. Because I have no mooring for your wounds

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to latch on to. You, don't get to latch on.

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I am not the anchor for your room. Listen. She

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said something very powerful there about how life is shaped

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from our yeses and nos. I'm about to give you

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a spiritual chief code. Don't accept the pattern that comes

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with the choice. Wait a minute, old, wait, wait what Yeah.

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Sometimes when you choose and you lose and it hurts,

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you internalize, and now you've accepted the pattern of the loss.

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Sometimes when you win, your head get too big again.

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The spiritualists would tell you, don't get too high, don't

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get too low. When things are going well, don't lose

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sight of it. Don't get all I'm better than you.

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I'm just do you see what I'm saying. When things

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are going bad, don't worry about it. These things change,

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This too shall pass DC. Don't accept the pattern that

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comes with the choice. The Kabbalian teachers stay in the middle.

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The Master is not moved by the swing of the

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pendulum to the left and the right. The pendulum is

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a metaphor, a metaphor for what life. Life has perturbations,

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left and right, up and down, back and forth. Don't

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be moved. Don't accept the pattern of what the choice

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comes with, whether it's a good choice or a bad choice.

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So many times I chose the wrong person or you

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chose the right person for right now, for this level

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of development that you're currently living in. Every person you've

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ever dated is really a self audit. It's a chance

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to do a self audit. That's what relationship is about.

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Speaker 4: I have no mooring for your wounds to latch onto.

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Speaker 3: Somebody said, what's the spelling of mooring and what does

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mooring mean? Mooring moo r, I n G. Mooring refers

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to the equipment such as ropes, chains and anchors, or

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the designated place such as a bowie appear or a

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dock used to secure a boat or a ship in

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a fixed position. See many of you want your partner

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to secure your wound in a fixed position, right, You

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want them to be the dock that the wound can

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dock in. Oh, I feel safe. Listen, you feel safe

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because you're docked. But do you know how to feel

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safe when you're not docked? Oh? You didn't put up?

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You done built a codependent relationship with the dock. You

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never were taught that you can be the dock for

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your own wound. Oh. I know you don't want to

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hear it put that way tonight, but I'm gonna do it,

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and I'm not gonna stop. Tonight's topic is one of

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those topics. We've got to call her on the line,

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calling only from New York. You already know who it is,

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one of our new legends into the voice of reason,

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Wiggy Jamaica Queen's what are your thoughts on tonight's topic?

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Speaker 7: Oh, thank you so much, Joe Williams and family. This

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is hell of This is heck of a conversation. As

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a matter of fact, I'm gonna plead guilty to the moring.

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I think I actually uh had done that myself. I had,

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you know, asked that someone be you know, take up

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moring on my behalf. So this is I don't know where,

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I don't know, but this had been heavy on my mind.

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But my concern Okay, now I know at some point,

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and I know I'm not the only one. There's plenty

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of them, and I know they're not going to expose themselves,

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but y'all are out there, and you know you're guilty too.

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But what I'm saying is I admit to not having

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the skills at this particular moment. And I know that

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I'll get the skills, you know, as I learn and

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I adapt. But I think what I'm feeling this is

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how only me speaking. Don't accept it, don't you know,

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Like that's the biggest takeaway that I'm receiving. Don't accept it.

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Don't put yourself in a position to accept the mooring

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and then say, well, I'll just deal with it. No,

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make a decision, I mean, don't go back on that.

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You're not going to accept the morning and I'm going

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to hang up and listen.

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Speaker 3: Okay, but guess what you just did though?

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Speaker 7: Oh I bought you make a queen into the so Williams.

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Speaker 3: That's changed this foolishnis the conversation. Okay, we love it,

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we love it, we love it. That was Wiggy Hill

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Wilson from New York, Jamaica. Queens, I'm back on it,

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though I can't let John fourteen twelve get away verily. Truly.

365
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I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the

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works I have been doing, and they will go do

367
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even greater things than these, because I am going to

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the Father. Listen. Christ was talking about embodiment of his

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work to be able to do it. He he gave

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Peter an opportunity. Peter could he practiced walking on water.

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Peter got all, he got a few steps in, didn't

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he and then started to doubt. Yeah. Christ was like no, no,

373
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as soon as he put him back an o ye

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of little faith. Do you understand how you want to

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00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:05,759
be with Christ and have Christ's powers yet still have

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need an intimate relationship? Need is the ultimate sin. Christ

377
00:28:10,519 --> 00:28:14,079
is saying, you got to embody these things. What is

378
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,279
Zoe Williams telling you to do? You got to embody

379
00:28:17,599 --> 00:28:24,039
self love, self acceptance, self approval, self acknowledgment, happiness, self esteem,

380
00:28:24,319 --> 00:28:29,119
self worth, self validation. You've got to embody self love,

381
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:36,000
self empathy, self sympathy, not from a narcissistic perspective, because

382
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,640
if you don't, all of that becomes an expectation for

383
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your mirror, and your mirror is only coming into your

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00:28:44,759 --> 00:28:52,799
life to show you what the curriculum is dacy. Zoe

385
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:58,279
is telling you tonight, I have no mooring. Your wounds

386
00:28:58,279 --> 00:29:03,039
can't dock here. That's what I'm here to tell you

387
00:29:03,119 --> 00:29:07,400
it is unfair to think that your partner is supposed

388
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to be the doc that your wound gets to tie

389
00:29:11,359 --> 00:29:16,720
itself to. He said, Oh, that's a great partner because

390
00:29:17,039 --> 00:29:21,359
they let me dock my wounds at their peer. No,

391
00:29:21,599 --> 00:29:25,039
you're not gonna do that to me. I'm not responsible

392
00:29:25,359 --> 00:29:32,359
for your individuation. I'm not responsible for your internal elevation.

393
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:37,880
I am only responsible for the mirror reflection of it.

394
00:29:38,279 --> 00:29:41,759
You take the reflection and last, my brother Tony says,

395
00:29:42,039 --> 00:29:46,599
then you go right to the correction. But it's self correction. Nah,

396
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:51,960
you'd rather leave yourself broken and then manage your partner

397
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,279
and try to control them and try to critique their

398
00:29:55,319 --> 00:30:02,960
spiritual Listen when we come forward, voice of reason, Woo,

399
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,160
I'm on one tonight.

400
00:30:04,279 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 4: Let's get it.

401
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 3: Who are you?

402
00:30:07,519 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 8: What do you want? Do you have the capacity to

403
00:30:11,799 --> 00:30:14,920
do that? These are questions my mother was never asked.

404
00:30:15,759 --> 00:30:19,759
These are questions she could have asked herself, Who am I?

405
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 2: What do I want?

406
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 8: Do I have the capacity to do that? My mother

407
00:30:26,559 --> 00:30:29,440
died at the age of thirty six from an HIV

408
00:30:29,559 --> 00:30:33,400
and AIDS related illness. She had four kids. I her

409
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:38,880
eldest and only daughter, three boys, and a husband. Her husband,

410
00:30:39,359 --> 00:30:43,720
my stepfather, did not love her, could not love her,

411
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:47,200
and would not love her. My mother endured years in

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a marriage where she had to negotiate for love and

413
00:30:51,039 --> 00:30:54,799
bargain for our safety. Prior to her untimely death, my

414
00:30:54,839 --> 00:30:58,960
mother spent most of her weekends chasing down women who

415
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,480
were rumored to be her husband's mistresses. When she wasn't

416
00:31:02,519 --> 00:31:06,119
chasing these women, she was the one running from being

417
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:10,759
physically assaulted by him. When the weight of the emotional, mental,

418
00:31:11,119 --> 00:31:15,880
physical abuse, as well as the infidelity became too heavy

419
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:19,119
to bear, she would reach out to both sides of

420
00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:24,920
the family for help. She was constantly told to persevere.

421
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,799
That would remind her of her role as a mother

422
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:34,480
and wife, which included doing everything she could, including sacrificing herself,

423
00:31:35,079 --> 00:31:40,039
her health, her well being, her safety, her dreams, her

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00:31:40,079 --> 00:31:45,279
self worth, her life in order to keep her family intact.

425
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,160
That would also remind her of what.

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Speaker 3: Andy who was that Kanyisa minneca on complete fire. By

427
00:32:00,079 --> 00:32:05,759
the way, this is you don't get to dock in

428
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:11,359
my spirit. I know you want to be saved. I

429
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,480
know you want to be sheltered. You deserve to be saved,

430
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:16,880
but only you can save yourself.

431
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,839
Speaker 4: Do you understand? Listen, so many people.

432
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,319
Speaker 3: Live in the house of relationship, but their wounds are

433
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:31,839
still houseless. They have wound houseless relationships. The wounds are unhoused.

434
00:32:33,519 --> 00:32:40,839
Your wound keeps bringing furniture, right, but I'm not giving

435
00:32:40,839 --> 00:32:45,039
it an address. You see, your wound keeps showing up

436
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,640
like hey, and make a space for me. No, your

437
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:54,240
wound can't live here. Do you understand? This captures what

438
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:59,799
happens when an old relational pattern cannot establish residents in

439
00:33:00,119 --> 00:33:04,319
side the present relationship. To many of us allow our

440
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:11,160
partner's room, our partner's wounds room and board well, because

441
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:12,519
we together, they get to stay.

442
00:33:12,599 --> 00:33:16,400
Speaker 4: No, those wounds are like an unwanted in law.

443
00:33:17,079 --> 00:33:21,759
Speaker 3: I'm sorry fifteen eighty to get to your phone line.

444
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:29,880
The person remains welcome, right, Their humanity remains welcomed, Their

445
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:36,039
pain remains worthy of care. Right. The dysfunctional arrangement does

446
00:33:36,079 --> 00:33:41,359
not automatically receive tendency. You don't get to dock your

447
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:46,400
wounds here. Zoe is trying to push a new narrative.

448
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:53,319
Need is the original sin. God is needless. Christ was needless. Well,

449
00:33:53,519 --> 00:33:56,079
he had moments of need. When he said, my god,

450
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,799
my God, why have thou forsaken me? Lemma? He said

451
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:04,599
eli lemma subecthne, my god, my God, why have thou

452
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:05,440
forsaken media?

453
00:34:05,599 --> 00:34:09,199
Speaker 4: And even David said it as well. He felt forsaken.

454
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:13,679
Speaker 3: He had a moment of it, but he transcended that moment,

455
00:34:13,679 --> 00:34:16,039
and then he told us for those who believe, I

456
00:34:16,119 --> 00:34:19,119
tell you the truth. If you believe like me, and

457
00:34:19,159 --> 00:34:25,559
you embody what I know, you can escape psychological need.

458
00:34:28,599 --> 00:34:31,760
I don't believe the psychologist when they say we're gonna

459
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,320
need each other all day. Yes, we can have bonds,

460
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:38,320
but those bonds don't have to become prisons. They can

461
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,280
be conscious bonds. I'm here because I want to be

462
00:34:44,119 --> 00:34:48,159
in a companionate and intimate and sexual and loving and

463
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,360
happy relationship with you. I'm here because I wanna be.

464
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,800
I'm not here because my wounds compel me to be.

465
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:58,719
There's something about you that felt magical. No, that was

466
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:03,639
your wound, saying his wound is compatible with our unhealed

467
00:35:03,639 --> 00:35:11,320
woud let's get together. Do you understand compassion can provide

468
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:16,760
shelter to a person without providing permanent housing to their dysfunction.

469
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:23,119
Do you understand, many people in intimate relationships today right now,

470
00:35:23,199 --> 00:35:27,559
got a piece a peace allergy. If chaos raised you,

471
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:35,280
peace might break you out into psychological hives for peace allergy.

472
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:37,800
If chaos raised you.

473
00:35:38,559 --> 00:35:42,719
Speaker 4: Peace might break you out in psychological hives.

474
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:48,840
Speaker 3: Do you understand? This is why I'm doing this show.

475
00:35:49,039 --> 00:35:54,559
I'm saying the need was created by something oh early upbringing,

476
00:35:54,679 --> 00:35:56,440
something fractured.

477
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 4: You that made you think you need something.

478
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 3: He say, Oh, that's human biology, that's developmental psychology. These

479
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:11,159
are the ericson and PSHA, and that's all of those guys. No,

480
00:36:11,159 --> 00:36:17,239
no science without spirituality is only one legged in its understanding.

481
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:23,480
Do you understand I'm telling you you're not supposed to

482
00:36:23,559 --> 00:36:29,079
tie your partner's wound down to your dock. You're not

483
00:36:29,119 --> 00:36:33,079
supposed to anchor your partner's wounds at your dock. They

484
00:36:33,159 --> 00:36:36,679
come seeking a safe haven in you when you got

485
00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:40,440
work to do. I have no mooring for your wounds

486
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,920
to latch onto. That's the topic tonight. I have no

487
00:36:44,079 --> 00:36:48,719
moorings for your wounds to latch onto. Your humanity is welcome,

488
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:53,280
but your dysfunction is not. We don't even have the

489
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:57,440
discernment necessary because all somebody got to do is fit

490
00:36:57,559 --> 00:37:01,599
what we own? What I'm looking for a fit. I'm

491
00:37:01,599 --> 00:37:04,960
looking Oh this feels right. Just because it feels right,

492
00:37:05,039 --> 00:37:08,159
don't mean it is right. Listen, when I come forward,

493
00:37:08,159 --> 00:37:10,280
I'm going back to the phone lines. We got some

494
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:13,039
things to talk about.

495
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:19,719
Speaker 9: Imagine a little boy, the second of five children in

496
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,320
a middle class family. His name is Billy.

497
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:24,559
Speaker 3: Now.

498
00:37:24,679 --> 00:37:29,320
Speaker 9: Billy was a smart, sensitive, and funny guy who loved

499
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,800
to play tricks on his siblings, and he was very

500
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:36,519
close to his dad. As a matter of fact, Billy's

501
00:37:36,639 --> 00:37:42,360
dad was his rock. When Billy was a freshman in college,

502
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:48,119
his dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack,

503
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:54,960
and Billy took it hard. Eventually, he started experimenting with

504
00:37:55,079 --> 00:38:01,519
drugs and quickly found his drug of choice, heroin. Unfortunately,

505
00:38:01,559 --> 00:38:05,400
Billy's addiction continued until he almost died of kidney failure.

506
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,239
But over the course of the next decade, he was

507
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:13,239
able to reunite with his family, and even though he

508
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,800
had not been very present when his own kids were

509
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,719
growing up, he was a favorite of his grandkids, who

510
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:26,480
all called him Paupay. Billy died two years ago, but

511
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:31,360
I learned a lot from him. I learned how trauma

512
00:38:31,599 --> 00:38:35,920
and loss can derail a person, robbing them of their

513
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:41,800
life's potential. And I was puzzled, how could someone from

514
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,800
such a good family end up with a heroine addiction?

515
00:38:45,599 --> 00:38:48,400
And I know many families in America are grappling with

516
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:52,840
the same question now during the opiate epidemic. But the

517
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:57,519
reason this bothered me and kept me looking is that

518
00:38:57,559 --> 00:39:06,159
what you don't know is Billy was my brother. I

519
00:39:06,199 --> 00:39:10,639
am a physician who specializes in treating eating disorders and addictions,

520
00:39:11,079 --> 00:39:15,719
but what I really do is work with survivors of trauma,

521
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,599
because the vast majority of my patients with eating disorders

522
00:39:20,599 --> 00:39:27,119
and addictions have experienced abuse and neglect, witness violence, and

523
00:39:27,519 --> 00:39:34,360
suffered numerous losses, most before the age of eighteen, and

524
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:39,599
that can be devastating. For example, adolescens with the history

525
00:39:39,639 --> 00:39:44,719
of abuse and neglect are three times more likely to

526
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:48,199
have a drug and alcohol problem than those without.

527
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:55,280
Speaker 3: People going through things Andy, who is that speaking, Yes,

528
00:39:58,159 --> 00:40:02,360
Carolyn kocher Raw. I love it. She was cooking, and

529
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:07,159
not everybody has that issue. But what I'm saying is

530
00:40:07,159 --> 00:40:10,119
we all have some fractures, we all have some breaks,

531
00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:12,760
and what I'm telling you to do is not to

532
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,599
run to the relationship for comfort alone. I'm not saying

533
00:40:16,639 --> 00:40:19,719
relationships are not supposed to provide comfort. That's not what

534
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:25,800
I'm saying. Sure, but the comfort must come from within

535
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:33,119
so you can sustain comfort in any storm. D you see.

536
00:40:35,119 --> 00:40:41,159
Let me give you, guys an example before I go

537
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:42,039
to my caller.

538
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:45,559
Speaker 4: I want you guys to understand.

539
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,880
Speaker 3: I think the minister can say it better than I

540
00:40:50,039 --> 00:40:54,280
can say it. This is how this show should make

541
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:57,119
you feel when you tune in to the voice of reason.

542
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,239
This is what is supposed to feel.

543
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:06,800
Speaker 10: Like my sentiment, I'm sorry, your time has come, has come,

544
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,920
has come.

545
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:21,800
Speaker 3: No, God is present today. They need to be afraid.

546
00:41:22,199 --> 00:41:24,639
You need to be afraid today.

547
00:41:24,519 --> 00:41:28,480
Speaker 10: Because the God of justice is present. Now, That's why

548
00:41:28,519 --> 00:41:32,559
he said vengeance is mind. The battle is not yours.

549
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:36,159
The battle is the lord's. And God has come. The

550
00:41:36,199 --> 00:41:39,880
battle is on and the plagues are coming down.

551
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:41,079
Speaker 4: And no, I'm not.

552
00:41:41,119 --> 00:41:44,760
Speaker 10: Afraid, but you need to be, and especially when you

553
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:49,679
see what's coming up. Because as a man soweth the same,

554
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,199
shall he also reap. And when you have done the

555
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,800
evil that you've done to us and done it to others,

556
00:41:57,039 --> 00:42:00,840
did you never think that they would come when you

557
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:02,840
would have to pay for all.

558
00:42:02,639 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 3: That crap that you have done.

559
00:42:05,599 --> 00:42:10,360
Speaker 10: Thomas Jefferson said it right, brother, he said, I tremble

560
00:42:10,639 --> 00:42:14,559
for my country when I reflect that God is just

561
00:42:15,079 --> 00:42:19,119
and that his justice cannot sleep forever.

562
00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:24,760
Speaker 3: Well, his justice has awakened, and all over the world the.

563
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:29,280
Speaker 10: Nations are turning right before our eyes. And that's why

564
00:42:29,559 --> 00:42:31,360
Trump is saying, we gotta.

565
00:42:31,199 --> 00:42:32,840
Speaker 3: Make America great.

566
00:42:33,199 --> 00:42:37,880
Speaker 10: I win again, because she's not great today. People are

567
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:42,360
not afraid. The world has taken enough of America's evil.

568
00:42:42,679 --> 00:42:47,280
So death is Sweden for the sun been continuing to

569
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:51,199
live under white supremacy and under tyranny.

570
00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:53,119
Speaker 3: So no, I don't care.

571
00:42:53,039 --> 00:42:59,320
Speaker 10: Nothing about them investigating me or rather even.

572
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,639
Speaker 3: Hey, listen, this is the spirit of the voice of

573
00:43:01,719 --> 00:43:04,960
reason right now, do you understand? This is how you

574
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:08,960
should be talking to your wounds instead of trying to

575
00:43:09,039 --> 00:43:13,320
more those wounds to some person, to somebody else's external doc.

576
00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,400
You should be looking at your wounds with love, with kindness.

577
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,519
But you should also be saying, you don't get to

578
00:43:19,559 --> 00:43:24,360
stay here. The person comes into your life shows it

579
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:28,199
to you, what are you supposed to do? You accept it? Oh?

580
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:31,559
That is me. I got that from when I was

581
00:43:31,559 --> 00:43:35,119
a child, I still held on to that. Oh my goodness,

582
00:43:35,159 --> 00:43:39,159
that is me. Let me grab that wound and love

583
00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,840
on it. When the minister is speaking, he's speaking to

584
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:47,760
his people in love. It sounds fiery, right, it sounds passionate,

585
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,199
it sounds angry right.

586
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,320
Speaker 4: But he's speaking to his people in love.

587
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,239
Speaker 3: Right. I'm saying you have to have a fearlessness to

588
00:43:56,320 --> 00:44:00,239
look at your own wounds and stop bending the need

589
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:05,920
to every one of their one of its dictates. Real

590
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:09,840
love lives outside of the pattern that raised you. Real

591
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:14,480
love lives outside of the survival pattern you created in

592
00:44:14,639 --> 00:44:18,960
order to have some semblance of peace around your original

593
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:25,280
home environment. It's nobody's responsibility to make you feel more

594
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:28,679
comfortable than you did with the first people that loved you.

595
00:44:29,559 --> 00:44:32,880
I don't know who that hit. I'm not throwing it

596
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,760
at you, per se. I don't know who that last

597
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,400
line hit. We got somebody on the lines. Let's get

598
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:41,360
him in here. Valerie from Los Angeles. We went from

599
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:44,800
New York to LA in just a short time. Valerie,

600
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,719
what are your thoughts on tonight's.

601
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:48,760
Speaker 11: Topic story time?

602
00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:52,599
Speaker 2: Yes?

603
00:44:52,920 --> 00:44:55,679
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I'm tripping tonight. I'm sorry.

604
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:58,159
Speaker 11: Oh no, story.

605
00:44:58,599 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 3: Okay, let me get out your way.

606
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:04,599
Speaker 11: Yeah, no, you ain't ripting. You hearing me in the guest, No,

607
00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:10,719
you hear me in the throat. I had to decide

608
00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:15,400
which story was the most appropriate. That's how much you're

609
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,440
hit me in the throat.

610
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:18,159
Speaker 3: Okay, let's hear it.

611
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:25,559
Speaker 11: I grew up in a household where if there were

612
00:45:25,679 --> 00:45:30,079
crumbs anywhere in the kitchen in the middle of the night,

613
00:45:31,679 --> 00:45:41,000
my mother would wake us loudly for half blank clean

614
00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:45,119
in her house and make us redo it. Sometimes all

615
00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:48,599
the dishes would come out of the tabnet. So to

616
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:56,559
say that, I'm saying that because I developed OCD. Working

617
00:45:56,679 --> 00:46:08,280
in my library helped me channel that. So it's not compulsive.

618
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:20,239
It's there, but it's not compulsive. So fast forward. I

619
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:26,039
had it Donan over for dinner, and I'm making shrimp

620
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:33,320
spring rolls and all the fixings, and so it's messy, topping,

621
00:46:33,639 --> 00:46:40,360
mixing stuff everywhere, no worries. And he grew up in

622
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:47,159
a household where his mother did everything. So after dinner,

623
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:51,159
I said down because I'm making them to order, rolling

624
00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:55,920
as we go, and I sit down.

625
00:46:57,159 --> 00:46:58,480
Speaker 3: And light us.

626
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 11: Lift and he goes into the kitchen and said, I

627
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:11,320
don't know to. I guess to the dishes because half

628
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:14,239
the time I cut and clean while I'm going. But

629
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:17,880
when I'm doing something creative, it's gonna look like I

630
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:25,159
did something creative. And I heard him from my kitchen.

631
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:30,199
It's not a mansion, there's no east wing. He says,

632
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:37,440
let me wash these dishes. So I didn't. I don't

633
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:39,480
know who he's talking. He's in the kitchen, so about

634
00:47:39,559 --> 00:47:43,880
him saying anything. He came back into my front room

635
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:49,119
and he said, well, yeah, let me wash those dishes

636
00:47:49,159 --> 00:47:53,920
for you. And I looked at him. He old me

637
00:47:54,000 --> 00:48:03,079
would have hopped up to perform my wound, but this

638
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:08,480
me took a drag, looked at him and said, don't

639
00:48:08,599 --> 00:48:11,880
wash my dishes. They won't be here when he's done.

640
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:22,079
But it's it's triggering you. You can go on and

641
00:48:22,119 --> 00:48:28,880
watch him and work through it, right, And that led

642
00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:31,599
to us some good conversation, and you know, I have

643
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:38,480
my meditation and cleaned up after he left. But I

644
00:48:38,639 --> 00:48:42,400
say that because you know, the one thing that Satan

645
00:48:42,519 --> 00:48:49,360
and God can agree on is that we all fall short. Yes, right,

646
00:48:49,480 --> 00:49:02,639
But the arrogance of standing in the diagnosis like it's

647
00:49:02,639 --> 00:49:04,199
the destination.

648
00:49:05,519 --> 00:49:05,920
Speaker 3: MM hmm.

649
00:49:07,599 --> 00:49:10,599
Speaker 11: It's like stagging the water for me. I can't do it.

650
00:49:11,719 --> 00:49:15,519
Mm hmm. If you're if you're working, I don't care

651
00:49:15,519 --> 00:49:22,440
where you are in your journey, work right, but don't

652
00:49:22,480 --> 00:49:30,880
expect me to work around you. I got my sister fry,

653
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,679
you got yours. Jesus ain't gonna ask you about me

654
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:40,960
when you get the habb it. So you just you

655
00:49:41,039 --> 00:49:43,239
hit me, You hit a nerve because you know that's

656
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:49,880
like it kind of a recent won't Oh, But it's

657
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:53,239
just like no, like if if we're doing this, we're

658
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:57,400
doing this. Acceptance is acceptance. If I can't accept it

659
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:04,039
in me, then maybe you can. And if you can't,

660
00:50:04,159 --> 00:50:06,239
then maybe you should try the door.

661
00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:08,599
Speaker 3: M hm.

662
00:50:10,159 --> 00:50:14,519
Speaker 11: Because I'm not bending no more. Nobody waking me up

663
00:50:14,559 --> 00:50:16,320
in the middle of the night. You're looking for crumbs

664
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:24,920
with somebody else. Least that monster is gone, you know.

665
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:30,760
And those are those familiar spirits that answer it's not

666
00:50:31,039 --> 00:50:34,159
that people are possessed. I don't feel like, but I

667
00:50:34,199 --> 00:50:38,679
feel like people's wounds are cracked for patterns.

668
00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,159
Speaker 3: M go ahead, I'm there.

669
00:50:41,679 --> 00:50:48,679
Speaker 11: And those of those familiar spirits that trigger us and

670
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:52,280
we go right back into the loop, right and that's

671
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:57,239
the goal to take us off our square. So you know,

672
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:00,639
you can give a person you know and doing your

673
00:51:00,679 --> 00:51:03,880
work and they're triggering you. It's not their job to

674
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:07,199
not trigger you. It's your job to figure out why

675
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:09,880
you're being triggered and go back to trace and heal,

676
00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:16,679
at and adapt. It's not a mechanism of manipulation. And

677
00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:20,920
after arrogance is the destination. Wow, even a person with

678
00:51:21,079 --> 00:51:27,159
cancer is fighting. Come on, like, don't you want to live?

679
00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:35,159
I'm okay, I'm sorry. I actually had a split tonight,

680
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,079
so I'm gonna let y'all go.

681
00:51:37,599 --> 00:51:42,079
Speaker 3: It's okay. Hey, listen, Valerie, guess what it is that

682
00:51:42,239 --> 00:51:48,039
you just did? Bro Oh my goodness from La Come on,

683
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:52,719
she brought Los Angeles in the building. We appreciate Valerie

684
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,400
so much, so much, love so much, so much, so much.

685
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:57,480
You already know you can call any time. We love you.

686
00:51:57,559 --> 00:51:58,960
We love you. And if you want to bring your

687
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:00,519
city in the building, you gotta. It was called us

688
00:52:00,519 --> 00:52:05,960
at one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty. I have

689
00:52:06,119 --> 00:52:12,079
no mooring for your wounds. They don't get the doc here.

690
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:22,159
Sometimes what gets called no chemistry deserves investigation, right it

691
00:52:22,199 --> 00:52:27,920
is nothing happening or has nothing familiar gone wrong yet?

692
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:29,280
Speaker 12: Right?

693
00:52:33,159 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 3: I know people don't want to hear me talk like this.

694
00:52:35,519 --> 00:52:42,159
Partnership permits shared regulation without transferring permanent ownership of one's

695
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:46,840
internal state. I'm not responsible for how you heal. I'm

696
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:53,159
not responsible for your insights. I don't believe that you

697
00:52:53,159 --> 00:52:59,360
know your choices shape your reality. When I say I

698
00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,920
don't believe it, I'm not saying it isn't true. What

699
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:07,079
I'm saying is it doesn't have to be true. Resist

700
00:53:07,199 --> 00:53:14,639
the pattern that your choices present. Right, we can have

701
00:53:14,679 --> 00:53:19,119
a love that is moorningless, that doesn't have an anchor

702
00:53:19,199 --> 00:53:25,239
to it. Right. It does not mean emotional detachment, superiority,

703
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:31,719
perfect healing, or immunity from pain. It describes connection with differentiation.

704
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:37,519
Your history can enter our relationship without automatically receiving authority

705
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:44,239
to assign my role inside of it. Listen when we

706
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:47,239
come forward the voice of reason. I'm not gonna stop

707
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,199
cooking what I've been cooking up all night. Let's get it.

708
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:55,239
Speaker 2: In the mid nineties, the CDC and Kaiser Permanente discovered

709
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:59,840
an exposure that dramatically increased the risk for seven out

710
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:02,679
of ten of the leading causes of death in the

711
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:08,280
United States. In high doses, it affects brain development, the

712
00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:13,320
immune system, hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA

713
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:18,400
is read and transcribed. Folks who are exposed in very

714
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:22,239
high doses have triple the lifetime risk of heart disease

715
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:28,599
and lung cancer and a twenty year difference in life expectancy.

716
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:33,480
And yet doctors today are not trained in routine screening

717
00:54:33,719 --> 00:54:37,519
or treatment. Now, the exposure I'm talking about is not

718
00:54:37,639 --> 00:54:45,360
a pesticide or packaging chemical. It's childhood Traumaw Okay, what

719
00:54:45,519 --> 00:54:47,320
kind of trauma am I talking about here? I'm not

720
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:51,039
talking about failing a test or losing a basketball game.

721
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:54,800
I am talking about threats that are so severe or

722
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:59,199
pervasive that they literally get under our skin and change

723
00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:03,880
our physiology. Things like abuse or neglect, or growing up

724
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:09,559
with a parent who struggles with mental illness or substance dependence. Now,

725
00:55:09,599 --> 00:55:12,079
for a long time, I viewed these things in the

726
00:55:12,119 --> 00:55:14,679
way I was trained to view them, either as a

727
00:55:14,679 --> 00:55:18,960
social problem refer to social services, or as a mental

728
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:24,079
health problem refer to mental health services. And then something

729
00:55:24,199 --> 00:55:29,599
happened to make me rethink my entire approach. When I

730
00:55:29,639 --> 00:55:32,880
finished my residency, I wanted to go someplace where I

731
00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:36,920
felt really needed, someplace where I could make a difference.

732
00:55:37,639 --> 00:55:40,639
So I came to work for California Pacific Medical Center,

733
00:55:41,119 --> 00:55:45,239
one of the best private hospitals in northern California, and

734
00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:49,320
together we opened a clinic in Bayview Hunter's Point, one

735
00:55:49,360 --> 00:55:54,039
of the poorest, most underserved neighborhoods in San Francisco. Now,

736
00:55:54,079 --> 00:55:57,679
prior to that point, there had been only one pediatrician

737
00:55:57,760 --> 00:56:01,599
in all of Bayview to serve more than ten thousand children.

738
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:04,519
So we hung a shingle and we were able to

739
00:56:04,559 --> 00:56:08,039
provide top quality care regardless.

740
00:56:07,440 --> 00:56:08,440
Speaker 3: Of ability to pay.

741
00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:12,639
Speaker 2: It was so cool. We targeted the typical health disparities,

742
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:18,119
access to care, immunization rates, asthma, hospitalization rates, and we

743
00:56:18,199 --> 00:56:21,559
hit all of our numbers. We felt very proud of ourselves.

744
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:26,400
But then I started noticing a disturbing trend. A lot

745
00:56:26,480 --> 00:56:29,880
of kids were being referred to me for ADHD or

746
00:56:29,920 --> 00:56:32,280
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

747
00:56:33,119 --> 00:56:33,719
Speaker 3: But when I.

748
00:56:34,039 --> 00:56:38,840
Speaker 2: Actually did a thorough history and physical what I found

749
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:41,800
was that for most of my patients, I couldn't make

750
00:56:41,840 --> 00:56:46,000
a diagnosis of ADHD. Most of the kids I was

751
00:56:46,039 --> 00:56:51,679
seeing had experienced such severe trauma that it felt like

752
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:58,280
something else was going on. Somehow I was missing something important.

753
00:56:59,119 --> 00:56:59,280
Speaker 3: Now.

754
00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:01,920
Speaker 2: Before I did my residency, I did a master's degree

755
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:04,000
in public health. And one of the things that they

756
00:57:04,039 --> 00:57:06,559
teach you in public health school is that if you're

757
00:57:06,599 --> 00:57:09,400
a doctor and you see one hundred kids that all

758
00:57:09,519 --> 00:57:12,880
drink from the same well and ninety eight of them

759
00:57:13,239 --> 00:57:16,880
develop diarrhea, you can go ahead and write that prescription

760
00:57:17,239 --> 00:57:22,039
for dose after dose after dose of antibiotics, or you

761
00:57:22,079 --> 00:57:25,679
can walk over and say, what the hell is in

762
00:57:25,719 --> 00:57:26,239
this well?

763
00:57:27,159 --> 00:57:29,840
Speaker 11: So I began reading everything.

764
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:32,719
Speaker 2: That I could get my hands on about how exposure

765
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:36,719
to adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children.

766
00:57:37,599 --> 00:57:40,320
Speaker 3: And then one day my colleague.

767
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:43,760
Speaker 2: Walked into my office and he said, doctor Burke, have

768
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:48,800
you seen this? In his hand was a copy of

769
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:54,320
a research study called the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. That

770
00:57:54,480 --> 00:58:02,280
day change my clinical practice and ultimately my The Adverse

771
00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:06,079
Childhood Experience to Study is something that everybody needs to

772
00:58:06,119 --> 00:58:09,079
know about. It was done by doctor Vince Felidi at

773
00:58:09,159 --> 00:58:12,880
Kaiser and doctor Bob Anda at the CDC, and together

774
00:58:13,639 --> 00:58:19,159
they asked seventeen and a half thousand adults about their

775
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:23,880
history of exposure to what they called adverse childhood experiences

776
00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:30,519
or aces. Those include physical, emotional or sexual abuse, physical

777
00:58:30,599 --> 00:58:38,079
or emotional neglect, parental mental illness, substance dependence, incarceration, parental

778
00:58:38,079 --> 00:58:44,119
separation or divorce, or domestic violence. For every yes, you

779
00:58:44,159 --> 00:58:47,440
would get a point on your ACE score, And then

780
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:51,679
what they did was they correlated these ACE scores against

781
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,119
health outcomes.

782
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:57,519
Speaker 12: Understand that the experience of love is the experience of

783
00:58:57,559 --> 00:59:02,719
the absence of separation. Yes, of course, I know you do.

784
00:59:06,679 --> 00:59:10,719
If love is the absence of separation, that is the

785
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:15,880
absence of self or other How could a separate self

786
00:59:17,599 --> 00:59:20,280
either love or be lovable?

787
00:59:21,079 --> 00:59:21,280
Speaker 11: M h.

788
00:59:29,480 --> 00:59:33,960
Speaker 12: You are absolutely right that, whether or not our personal story,

789
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:39,719
we have a personal story that accompanies and reinforces the

790
00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:44,360
belief I am unlovable. Some of us do have such

791
00:59:44,400 --> 00:59:50,360
a story, others don't. But for all, apparently, separate selves

792
00:59:51,199 --> 00:59:57,159
or the feeling of being unlovable and unable to love,

793
00:59:57,599 --> 01:00:06,559
accompanies the separate self because the existence of the separate

794
01:00:06,599 --> 01:00:13,960
self is the denial or refusal of love. So you're right.

795
01:00:14,199 --> 01:00:18,840
All separate selves, whether they have an accompanying, reinforcing story

796
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:24,360
or not, are incapable of love, incapable either of giving

797
01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:27,360
love or of receiving love. And that is why so

798
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:31,119
many people feel I am unlovable.

799
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:44,960
Speaker 3: Gosh, andy, who's that Rupert Spira was on fire? Ladies

800
01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:48,239
and gentlemen, you're listening to the voice of reason. You've

801
01:00:48,239 --> 01:00:50,400
returned to the scene of the conversation. Man, this is

802
01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:52,960
a real This is a real one right now tonight.

803
01:00:55,920 --> 01:01:01,360
And it's powerful what he's say separation, Where there's separation,

804
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:08,880
there's no love right And what hit me as I'm

805
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:14,320
listening to him. It's like our stories are mating, our

806
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:19,880
stories are marrying, Our stories have compatibility. We got to

807
01:01:19,920 --> 01:01:23,920
have compatible stories. The wounds gotta have somewhat of this

808
01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:30,360
similar narrative. It's pattern matching all the way through. And

809
01:01:31,239 --> 01:01:35,960
what Rupert just explained about love, every time we're dealing

810
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:38,199
with love, what are we dealing with a higher level

811
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:44,119
of unconditionality. Every time we're dealing with wounds, we're dealing

812
01:01:44,159 --> 01:01:49,360
with a higher degree an intensification of conditions. And these

813
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:56,199
conditions are contextualized as boundaries. As protective love is unconditionally free.

814
01:01:56,239 --> 01:01:59,880
I need you to understand more tonight's topic. I can't

815
01:01:59,880 --> 01:02:04,599
be the mooring for your wounds. Right, So, mooringless love

816
01:02:05,159 --> 01:02:10,559
does not mean emotional detachment. It does not mean superiority,

817
01:02:11,800 --> 01:02:14,679
and it also doesn't mean perfect healing. There's no such

818
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:21,400
thing as perfect healing. Right, Nobody is healed more right

819
01:02:21,519 --> 01:02:24,400
than the next person. Right. You can say, oh, I'm

820
01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:27,360
more healed than my partner. It's impossible because you're not

821
01:02:27,840 --> 01:02:31,199
responsible for your partner's healing journey. You can be a

822
01:02:31,239 --> 01:02:34,280
witness of it, you can be a companion of it,

823
01:02:34,719 --> 01:02:38,159
but you can't say the level of my healing is

824
01:02:38,280 --> 01:02:42,559
higher than yours, because it's two different paths. Do you see? So,

825
01:02:43,239 --> 01:02:47,400
mooringless love, like I said, does not mean emotional detachment.

826
01:02:47,440 --> 01:02:49,480
That's not my problem. You deal with it. It does

827
01:02:49,519 --> 01:02:53,119
not mean superiority. I've healed more, I'm better. Thus I

828
01:02:53,159 --> 01:02:55,920
can teach you. Thus I can show you. It's not

829
01:02:56,039 --> 01:03:00,000
perfect healing. I've completed all twelve steps of internal healing.

830
01:03:00,119 --> 01:03:06,000
It's not that. Nor is it immunity from pain. See,

831
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:09,639
we think when we heal, we're in heaven. No, you're

832
01:03:09,679 --> 01:03:13,239
in hell right now, called earth. This is all a

833
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:18,239
test ground. So the lessons will keep coming, and your

834
01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:21,639
spirit will begin to evolve once you take on the

835
01:03:21,800 --> 01:03:29,840
challenge of conquering yourself. Instead of trying to have your

836
01:03:29,920 --> 01:03:35,639
wounds moored to your partner's peer and their wounds moored

837
01:03:36,079 --> 01:03:42,400
to yours, we need more ingless love. Right, your history

838
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:50,679
can enter our relationship, that's okay, but it cannot be

839
01:03:50,760 --> 01:03:59,519
assigned authority to assign me a role inside that history. No.

840
01:04:00,400 --> 01:04:06,239
The metaphysical implication here becomes particularly interesting. If human beings

841
01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:15,119
repeatedly meet the present through the present, through inherited meanings, memories, expectations,

842
01:04:15,159 --> 01:04:21,400
and cultural scripts, love may occasionally provide something radically different,

843
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:26,639
another consciousness that refuses to impersonate yesterday. I don't want

844
01:04:26,639 --> 01:04:30,360
to be the answer to what happened to yesterday. So

845
01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:34,239
many people's relationship is built on this premise. The external

846
01:04:34,360 --> 01:04:38,920
person is the source of my internal meaning, and if

847
01:04:38,960 --> 01:04:45,239
they crumble, everything falls. That's not how it's designed. DC.

848
01:04:48,719 --> 01:04:52,480
Maybe one of love's highest forms says, I will meet

849
01:04:53,599 --> 01:05:00,760
the person your wound protects. I simply will not become

850
01:05:01,320 --> 01:05:07,679
the person your wound requires. I'm not the mourning for it.

851
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:10,880
I can't be what your wound requests. Stop it there.

852
01:05:11,039 --> 01:05:14,000
When we come forward, the voice of reason is getting

853
01:05:14,039 --> 01:05:15,960
ready to land the plane on this one.

854
01:05:16,280 --> 01:05:20,360
Speaker 13: This has been exploited by man for thousands of years.

855
01:05:21,400 --> 01:05:27,960
They are destroying the forests, They're polluting the rivers, they're

856
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:35,599
polluting the air. They're killing animals for pleasure, for food.

857
01:05:38,119 --> 01:05:45,119
This has been going on for millions of years. And

858
01:05:45,239 --> 01:05:52,480
Silvan when asks what your relationship it's nature? Is it

859
01:05:53,039 --> 01:06:00,320
merely exploitation that you're interested in being cold, getting gold

860
01:06:01,000 --> 01:06:07,519
out of the earth, or finding diamonds, or cutting down

861
01:06:07,559 --> 01:06:13,400
trees to build houses. Is that all your relationship with nature?

862
01:06:17,079 --> 01:06:21,280
If you have no relationship with nature, have you any

863
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:31,559
relationship with your wife, with your husband, with your neighbor,

864
01:06:33,039 --> 01:06:38,639
have you any relationship at all? Have you inquired into that?

865
01:06:41,440 --> 01:06:49,639
Oh lord, oh lord, in that part of religion to

866
01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:59,840
find out what is true relationship? You all look so

867
01:07:00,159 --> 01:07:01,880
d do you all asleep?

868
01:07:02,000 --> 01:07:02,480
Speaker 2: For one?

869
01:07:04,880 --> 01:07:05,519
Speaker 3: I love it?

870
01:07:07,079 --> 01:07:10,559
Speaker 4: Call them out, Murty, he said, you all look so dazed?

871
01:07:10,599 --> 01:07:11,800
Speaker 3: Are you a sleep or what?

872
01:07:13,280 --> 01:07:13,320
Speaker 13: No?

873
01:07:13,599 --> 01:07:16,800
Speaker 3: Christiana Murty's he dealt what it do? People were afraid

874
01:07:16,840 --> 01:07:20,639
to speak up, afraid to be seen.

875
01:07:24,559 --> 01:07:24,760
Speaker 13: Right.

876
01:07:26,320 --> 01:07:34,800
Speaker 3: Tonight's topic was a heavy topic. Before asking whether your

877
01:07:34,840 --> 01:07:39,119
wounds can latch on to another person, we have to

878
01:07:39,199 --> 01:07:46,920
ask what consciousness participated in bringing us into direct proximity

879
01:07:47,519 --> 01:07:49,880
in the first place. How did we come to be

880
01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:54,679
in the same place at the same time? Right? Is

881
01:07:54,719 --> 01:07:59,800
it a conscious choice or is it an unconscious selection? Right?

882
01:08:02,920 --> 01:08:08,159
We use the word choice too casually in intimate relationships.

883
01:08:08,199 --> 01:08:12,639
I chose the wrong person. I finally chose the right person.

884
01:08:12,719 --> 01:08:16,520
God sent me this person, God sends you every person.

885
01:08:17,279 --> 01:08:20,840
This relationship was meant to be. Every relationship was meant

886
01:08:20,880 --> 01:08:27,600
to be. Again, those explanations become especially suspicious when they're

887
01:08:27,720 --> 01:08:31,720
meaning changes according to the outcome. It was God when

888
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:35,560
it succeeds. So now I'm giving credit to God and

889
01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:40,760
divinity when the relationship is good. You know, destiny gets

890
01:08:40,800 --> 01:08:44,720
the credit, right, we were meant When it collapses, all

891
01:08:44,840 --> 01:08:50,520
the devil is busy. Right. Human judgment gets the blame

892
01:08:51,279 --> 01:08:58,159
or satan human judgment? Is I chose wrong? Right? Guilt

893
01:08:58,199 --> 01:09:03,479
and shame wrapped into that I didn't deserve better? Right.

894
01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:09,279
That creates an extraordinary philosophical loophole. Success becomes divine assignment,

895
01:09:09,760 --> 01:09:18,000
while failure becomes personal error. But what if both relationships

896
01:09:18,600 --> 01:09:26,279
contain choice? And what if neither choice begins where you

897
01:09:26,359 --> 01:09:31,399
think it begins? You can consciously choose a person while

898
01:09:31,439 --> 01:09:37,479
remaining largely unconscious of what is inside of you and

899
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:45,359
what inside you finds that person compelling in the first place. Right,

900
01:09:45,680 --> 01:09:49,119
That distinction right there is crucial and it could become

901
01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:53,840
one of the deepest doors that we enter into this discussion.

902
01:09:54,159 --> 01:10:00,039
What inside of you is choosing? Right? Suppose I I

903
01:10:00,079 --> 01:10:04,640
told you I chose her, Fine, that's cool. Who is

904
01:10:04,680 --> 01:10:09,920
the eye making that statement? Is it me, Zoe the

905
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:15,640
person or is it my wound speaking through me? Because

906
01:10:15,640 --> 01:10:18,800
my wound has a taste, has a style, has a

907
01:10:18,920 --> 01:10:24,760
vibe that it likes. Right? Is that me? Right? Is

908
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:32,920
the chooser? Aware? Right? Who is the chooser? The aware

909
01:10:33,159 --> 01:10:42,479
adult standing in the present is abandonment of being left

910
01:10:43,479 --> 01:10:47,880
being right? The fear of abandonment is that choosing is loneliness.

911
01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:54,159
Choosing is sexual chemistry. Choosing is cultural conditioning. Choosing is

912
01:10:54,359 --> 01:10:58,439
the need for validation. Choosing it's familiarity choosing. See, it's

913
01:10:58,479 --> 01:11:05,319
easy to say I chose right, But what if? Again,

914
01:11:05,399 --> 01:11:09,039
the question is who is the eye speaking? Is it

915
01:11:09,079 --> 01:11:13,000
the identity that has a name, that has parents, or

916
01:11:13,079 --> 01:11:16,840
is it the fracture within the identity that has hijacked

917
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:26,000
the identity? Right? Is the desire to rescue somebody. Choosing

918
01:11:27,079 --> 01:11:31,720
is the terror of being alone. Choosing is an increasingly

919
01:11:31,840 --> 01:11:38,640
integrated consciousness. Choosing right, same human being, very different choosers

920
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:47,159
across the board. I want to know who's choosing? What

921
01:11:47,239 --> 01:11:57,399
about co creation, wound speaking, and hijacking? Right? And I

922
01:11:57,439 --> 01:12:00,319
got questions. I want to know, y'all. I want to

923
01:12:00,319 --> 01:12:03,079
know your thoughts on tonight's topic. I know it was

924
01:12:03,119 --> 01:12:06,000
a heavy topic, and I know I went ham and eggs,

925
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:10,039
ham and eggs from the very beginning. I know I

926
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:14,079
was on one, but I think it's important that we

927
01:12:14,199 --> 01:12:20,640
understand the real meaning of relationships. Right, What are you

928
01:12:20,800 --> 01:12:28,279
anchored to? Right? What are you anchored to? What is

929
01:12:28,359 --> 01:12:32,000
your anchor? A boat does not drift because another boat

930
01:12:32,319 --> 01:12:38,399
exists nearby. Its movements depend partly upon what holds it,

931
01:12:38,560 --> 01:12:42,560
what pulls it, and what it has been fastened to.

932
01:12:43,159 --> 01:12:48,439
Human intimacy may contain a similar problem we inner relationships,

933
01:12:48,439 --> 01:12:52,560
believing our attachment belongs exclusively to another person while remaining

934
01:12:52,880 --> 01:12:58,920
less conscious of the inner conditions through which we attach.

935
01:13:01,159 --> 01:13:05,399
Buddhist thought offers a difficult distinction. Here, Love and clinging

936
01:13:05,479 --> 01:13:09,239
do not mean the same thing. Clinging attempts to secure

937
01:13:09,399 --> 01:13:16,520
permanence from what cannot remain permanently arranged right, The partner

938
01:13:16,640 --> 01:13:23,239
must stay, desire must continue, reassurance must derive, identity must

939
01:13:23,239 --> 01:13:28,960
remain recognizable. The relationship becomes responsible for protecting an internal

940
01:13:29,039 --> 01:13:36,600
world from external change. That's impossible. Now place that insight

941
01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:44,760
inside of today's question of relational wounds. Suppose abandonment fear

942
01:13:45,000 --> 01:13:51,239
meets someone anchored to the fear of being alone. One

943
01:13:51,319 --> 01:13:57,439
wound reaches outward and finds another structure already prepared to

944
01:13:57,600 --> 01:14:02,119
hold it right. This person has a compatible wound. That's

945
01:14:02,119 --> 01:14:05,159
why I keep trying to tell y'all, there's no mooring

946
01:14:06,039 --> 01:14:10,439
for your wounds here, and that makes a person undateable.

947
01:14:10,520 --> 01:14:17,880
That makes a person unrelatable. DC tell me I'm wrong.

948
01:14:18,840 --> 01:14:23,239
I can be wrong. I'm not against being wrong. I

949
01:14:23,239 --> 01:14:26,800
don't think I know everything. As a matter of fact,

950
01:14:27,239 --> 01:14:29,720
the more I read, the more I study, the less

951
01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:32,600
I learn, or the less I know the more I learn,

952
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:36,359
the less I know is what I'm trying to say.

953
01:14:36,399 --> 01:14:40,159
But this is what it's looking like to me. But

954
01:14:40,199 --> 01:14:42,960
you already know how we do this. I start the conversations.

955
01:14:43,000 --> 01:14:47,720
It's up to you to finish them. I'm out tomorrow.

956
01:14:47,720 --> 01:14:49,760
You guys, wish me luck, send your prayers to me.

957
01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:54,399
Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. I will not be in tomorrow,

958
01:14:55,680 --> 01:14:58,840
but send me some love, send my family some love.

959
01:14:59,159 --> 01:15:01,640
We appreciate you tuning in to the voice of reason,

960
01:15:02,760 --> 01:15:04,840
and I'll see you guys on Thursday. Deuces,