1 00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:04,759 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor and this is Drunkish, 2 00:00:04,879 --> 00:00:08,960 the podcast based on Drunkish, my memoir about quitting drinking, 3 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,519 which is still for sale. Don't you know look it up. 4 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,280 Speaking of memoirs, my guest this week has written a 5 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:20,280 memoir about her drinking story, called The Diary of a 6 00:00:20,359 --> 00:00:23,800 twenty five year Old Alcoholic, and we kind of went 7 00:00:23,839 --> 00:00:26,760 there in this interview. I think there's something here for everyone, 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,280 young and old. Please do me a favor and rate 9 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,560 and or review this podcast, give it a watch and 10 00:00:33,679 --> 00:00:39,079 follow over on YouTube as well. And now here's Ellie Rose. 11 00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:58,600 And here we are with Ellie. I'm really excited about this. 12 00:00:59,079 --> 00:01:04,920 I've been trying to pin you down. You're a busy lady. Definitely, 13 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:09,920 it's too busy for my liking right now. So you've 14 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,439 just released a book. I have it in my hot 15 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,480 little hand. Not that people on YouTube can see this, 16 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,840 but it's called The Diary of a twenty five year 17 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,599 old Alcoholic. So you wrote it when you were twenty five. Yeah, 18 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:29,719 you're now twenty nine, so your story is pretty incredible. 19 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:35,079 I went to your book signing for the people listening. 20 00:01:35,159 --> 00:01:37,760 It was maybe a little while ago. But I and 21 00:01:37,799 --> 00:01:45,239 you were, so you're so vulnerable and honest and raw 22 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:50,480 and all the things. And I full disclosure, I haven't 23 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:52,719 read the whole book, but now I've heard a chapter 24 00:01:52,799 --> 00:01:56,959 of it, and I think your story. I have a 25 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,159 lot of people on that are I guess more my age, 26 00:02:01,359 --> 00:02:03,560 and you're on the younger side for you know, which 27 00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:06,280 I think is so important and you know we're going 28 00:02:06,319 --> 00:02:08,120 to get into it. But you have such a strong 29 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:12,479 message for young girls because your drinking career and a 30 00:02:12,479 --> 00:02:15,360 lot of the damage that you caused to your own 31 00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:21,639 self started pretty young. Tell me about it. 32 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, So my first drink I was thirteen. I stole 33 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:30,759 it out of my older brother's dresser. It was like 34 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,000 Captain Morgan and my best friend at the time, and 35 00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:36,120 I we just found it, took SIPs, and I was like, ooh, 36 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,800 I like this because at that period, my brother was 37 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,039 a junior senior in high school and we would go 38 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,280 back and forth between my mom's and dad's house. But 39 00:02:45,319 --> 00:02:47,120 when we were at my mom's house, she'd let it 40 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,080 be the party house. And so there are always high schoolers, 41 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:54,879 older high schoolers, boys, girls sleeping over drinking, and I 42 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:59,439 got curious and at fourteen, I was in high school. 43 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,520 And then that when I had my first blackout. And 44 00:03:02,759 --> 00:03:07,400 after my first blackout, I blocked out almost every time 45 00:03:07,439 --> 00:03:07,879 I drank. 46 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,080 Speaker 1: It was very it was immediate. There was no like 47 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,479 path to alcoholism. 48 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,919 Speaker 2: Like at fourteen, I knew that I shouldn't drink, but 49 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,360 I kept doing it because I was fourteen. 50 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 1: You know, I just you know, I just want to 51 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:28,319 interject to say that if for people that aren't alcoholics, 52 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,000 I think they hear something like that and they go, 53 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:34,000 oh my gosh, that's crazy. I think for most people 54 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:38,520 that are alcoholics, it's like, yeah, yeah, same that it 55 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,599 makes me feel good, like less alone. I mean, I 56 00:03:41,719 --> 00:03:44,080 was black. I blacked out the second time. The first 57 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,960 time I drank was kind of fun, and then the 58 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,280 second time I drank, I had a full blackout. My 59 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:52,840 friend broke her ankle and we were like fourteen, Yeah, 60 00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:55,560 so yeah, I broke my hand once. 61 00:03:55,599 --> 00:03:57,199 Speaker 2: I once woke up with a broken hand, and I 62 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,639 was like, and the lies you have to tell people 63 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:00,520 about what happened. 64 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:05,599 Speaker 1: I just made it up, said I fell in the snow. Yeah, 65 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:09,840 snow is pretty slippery, so yeah, there you go. So 66 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:15,240 you knew you probably shouldn't drink, but you're fourteen, it's fun. 67 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:25,079 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it just became like my social construct. Like 68 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,120 all of my friends we started drinking, and I just 69 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,199 became part of like that group, you know, where it 70 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,879 was normalized just to be drinking every single weekend and 71 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,279 just partying. 72 00:04:34,879 --> 00:04:35,839 Speaker 1: Until you blacked out. 73 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,399 Speaker 2: But it was very obvious that mine was more extreme 74 00:04:39,439 --> 00:04:41,680 than others because I was doing things that other people 75 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,839 weren't doing. Like my first blackout, I made out with 76 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:46,759 one of my friend's boyfriends and I don't remember it, 77 00:04:47,439 --> 00:04:51,240 so that like kind of made that my reputation, you know, 78 00:04:52,079 --> 00:04:54,519 but everyone knew, like all my friends, everything knew I 79 00:04:54,519 --> 00:04:56,959 wasn't a bad person, but like, drinking makes you do 80 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,480 bad things and it also is really confused when you 81 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,279 don't remember them, and that just became the pattern of 82 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:04,959 my life. So for ten years, I thought I was 83 00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:08,519 just a bad person, and then I would always try 84 00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:10,680 to drink more in order to feel better, to make 85 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,920 better memories so I can be like, no, I can 86 00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:14,399 do this. So I think for ten years, I was 87 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,519 just fighting to be able to drink and be able to. 88 00:05:20,079 --> 00:05:20,639 Speaker 1: Have fun. 89 00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:23,519 Speaker 2: And I think, of course, is all alcoholics, we know 90 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,120 you're filling a void. There was stuff that happened to 91 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,120 me young that I was just trying to mask, and 92 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:32,639 natural depression, natural anxiety, all of those combinations they make 93 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:38,560 you just a dangerous, dangerous sixteen year old, seventeen, eighteen 94 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:39,920 year old all the way to twenty five. 95 00:05:40,639 --> 00:05:44,600 Speaker 1: It was scary. So while you were young, tell me 96 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,399 about the chapter that you read at your book signing 97 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:55,800 about the situation that happened where you got bullied. Yeah, yeah, so. 98 00:05:57,439 --> 00:06:03,319 Speaker 2: It I didn't start having like you know, like the 99 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:09,079 blackout sex that didn't start until this, So this was before. 100 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,000 I feel like when you're like making out with people 101 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,480 and you're just like kind of doing dumb stuff, it's innocent. 102 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:17,079 But sex is such a vulnerable thing, and especially as 103 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,959 a young girl, it is like your repute. People are 104 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,519 so unfair when it comes to women in sex, and 105 00:06:22,519 --> 00:06:25,160 like I'm just very sex positive, Like I'm very passionate 106 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,759 about this, Like I'm not and I think for so 107 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:30,160 long and I shamed myself for it. But at the 108 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,000 end of the day, like a huge aspect of it 109 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,639 was alcoholism. Alcoholism, So like what happened with this account 110 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:40,199 was basically I had a blackout and when I came 111 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:44,639 to I was next to someone who I shouldn't have 112 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,920 been next to, and he had a girlfriend at the time, 113 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,199 and he was my friend, you know, And I don't 114 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,319 consider this guy to be a bad guy. He's also 115 00:06:51,319 --> 00:06:53,279 an alcoholic, so like I think we were both in 116 00:06:53,319 --> 00:06:58,680 the same boat in this situation. But yeah, so and 117 00:06:58,759 --> 00:07:04,360 this girl she he was dating, she was she had 118 00:07:04,399 --> 00:07:09,759 recently had cancer, and so this is like the worst 119 00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:12,519 situation you can be in, like sleeping with I don't 120 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,199 like cancer is more normalized. But like back then in 121 00:07:15,199 --> 00:07:18,399 twenty fourteen, like that was such a horrible thing. And 122 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,399 for me, I woke up and I was like, oh 123 00:07:20,519 --> 00:07:24,759 my god. And yeah, so after that, you know, she, 124 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:28,040 like I mentioned, she wasn't the kindest person in the world, 125 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,360 and so she would like follow me around classes, yelling 126 00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:34,120 at me, calling me a whore, tweeting about me, and 127 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,199 so like Twitter was like basically just her bullying me 128 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:37,560 on it. 129 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,759 Speaker 1: And then so like a week. 130 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 2: After this event, I got home, I was at my 131 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,079 dad's house. My mom wasn't around, she had her own 132 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,600 struggles with alcoholism. And I was at my dad's house 133 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,879 and I had my ex boyfriend texted me and he 134 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,600 was like, hey, have you seen this? And I looked 135 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,199 at it and it was a Twitter account created with 136 00:07:57,279 --> 00:08:00,879 like images of me, like from my Facebook and I'm 137 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:04,439 like sixteen at the time, and it just is calling 138 00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:08,160 me a whore and like ten different variations. And the 139 00:08:08,199 --> 00:08:11,319 account was called Harry Harry Dix, which like, it's a 140 00:08:11,319 --> 00:08:14,199 funny chapter now and I'm able to bring light to it, 141 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,160 but it is just so. 142 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: Crazy that this happened. 143 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,199 Speaker 2: It And when I saw that account, I was like, 144 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:29,439 my first reaction was they're right, Like I was never 145 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,319 a victim in this, and I wasn't a victim because 146 00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:33,639 I have the support around me to like help me 147 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,639 with this. My dad called the police, he sent them 148 00:08:35,639 --> 00:08:39,840 to the girls house. She said that she didn't do it, so. 149 00:08:39,799 --> 00:08:42,039 Speaker 1: Then the police came back, and then the police called 150 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:42,919 my dad. 151 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,879 Speaker 2: And said, hey, she didn't say she made the account, 152 00:08:48,879 --> 00:08:51,480 but she was screaming that Ellie fucked her boyfriend. And 153 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:54,519 so why did a police officer tell my father that 154 00:08:54,919 --> 00:08:57,360 I was sixteen and I lost my virginity? 155 00:08:57,679 --> 00:08:59,159 Speaker 1: I don't know. I grew up in a really weird 156 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,600 part of Pittsburgh, but. 157 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:04,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, and my I think just the way a father 158 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,399 is the way my father is. 159 00:09:06,519 --> 00:09:10,919 Speaker 1: He after that it was my fault, you know. 160 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,879 Speaker 2: And so then the account, the police ended up somehow 161 00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:19,120 taking it down, and I found out that it was 162 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,879 a group of girls that I was friends with, like 163 00:09:20,919 --> 00:09:23,320 you know that group of girls that you're like friends with, 164 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,120 but like every time I black out at a party, 165 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:25,919 they like fuck with. 166 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:30,759 Speaker 1: Me, which is just so evil. And how did you 167 00:09:30,799 --> 00:09:32,200 find out who was behind it? 168 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 2: I loosely had someone admit it. They've never fully admitted 169 00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:40,840 it still, which is fine, Like that's not the point 170 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:41,120 of this. 171 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 1: The point is that this is. 172 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,919 Speaker 2: Just one situation of being bullied at this age, and 173 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,919 being bullied for something that you don't remember doing is insane, 174 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,519 like insane for a sixteen year old girl. Now I'm 175 00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:54,440 twenty nine, I can understand it, and I have so 176 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,120 much compassion for myself and I forgave myself. But it 177 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,600 didn't happen till like put drinking, because for ten years, 178 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,879 eight years after that, after this account was made, and 179 00:10:03,919 --> 00:10:06,240 it was my second time having sex. The first one 180 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,200 was with a boyfriend that I loved, So this is 181 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,639 like I was very like against that, but after that happened, 182 00:10:12,759 --> 00:10:14,679 it was as if something turned on in my head, 183 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,360 and like it happened probably twenty more times before I 184 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:23,200 graduated high school. I don't remember, and I talk about 185 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,159 it in my book, but I do believe like sex 186 00:10:25,279 --> 00:10:27,879 is a form of self abuse, especially when you're blacking 187 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,279 out and doing it like this, And it just built 188 00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:33,320 this pattern that now that I'm not drinking in four years, 189 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:34,320 not drinking. 190 00:10:34,279 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 1: That's never happened it. 191 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 2: It's just it's such like there's such a gray area 192 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,440 when it comes to alcohol and sex. And that's why 193 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,120 if you're a girl who blacks out you're sixteen, Like 194 00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:48,200 I think it's very important for people to hear the 195 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,919 story of saying, like the only way to stop it 196 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,320 is to stop blacking out, Like this was not happening 197 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,440 to any of my friends. It was only happening to me. 198 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,200 And like one other girl I knew who was blacking 199 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,480 out and this was happening too, Like how did people 200 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,840 not see this pattern? 201 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,519 Speaker 1: I don't know. 202 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,440 Speaker 2: How did adults not see this pattern and see that 203 00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,679 something was wrong? And like, obviously I had stuff that 204 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,080 happened to me when I was a little girl that 205 00:11:08,159 --> 00:11:12,519 was also enhancing this. But it's like the baseline of 206 00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:16,320 my story and it's just so vulnerable. And I almost 207 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,279 didn't put that chapter in the book, but after editing 208 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,440 it multiple times because the first version of it is 209 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,440 like you're a writer, you understand the first drafts are 210 00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:30,840 sometimes just for you. It helped me accept it. But 211 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,840 that I would say was the foundation of me not 212 00:11:33,879 --> 00:11:36,080 trusting myself when I drink. But it's interesting because it 213 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,159 happened when I was fourteen with my first blackout too. 214 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,480 I was like, there's just I'm just not that. It's 215 00:11:42,519 --> 00:11:44,279 just so confusing because i don't know what I'm like 216 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:45,080 when I'm blacked out. 217 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: But I'm just not. 218 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 2: That kind of person that would like actively want to 219 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,080 be intimate with someone's partner, you know. And then this 220 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,679 pattern actually happened before I quit drinking, where I was like, 221 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,759 this is I'm just kind of jumping around. But there 222 00:12:00,799 --> 00:12:02,399 was a situation I was in a relationship with a 223 00:12:02,399 --> 00:12:09,320 married man and that was like my final straw, and 224 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,720 then I quit drinking like a couple months after that ended. 225 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,759 Over my ten years of drinking, that happened, and that's 226 00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:19,120 where the darkness comes in, you know. 227 00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I'm just in a relating way because 228 00:12:26,159 --> 00:12:30,360 I've also written a memoir about drinking, and I refer 229 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,919 to a period where I dated somebody who is married, 230 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:40,919 and I talk about how, you know, sometimes when we're alcoholics, 231 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,919 you're not just going beneath your moral compass. You're just like, 232 00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:46,879 I don't know how I put it, but you're taking 233 00:12:46,919 --> 00:12:48,840 your moral compass and throwing it out the window and 234 00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:51,600 then running over it with your car. You're just all 235 00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:53,360 bets are off, you know. I don't know. We just 236 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,879 rationalize things or do things when we're drinking that we 237 00:12:56,919 --> 00:13:01,480 wouldn't do when we're not drinking. Yeah, and I need 238 00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:04,120 to read your memoir. I need to read it. But 239 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,960 one of the things, you know, that that was really 240 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,480 clear to me, and that was my bottom, was the 241 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:14,600 fact that when I'm drunk, I think I'm not drunk, 242 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:18,159 Like that's really my thing. Like my body might be drunk, 243 00:13:18,159 --> 00:13:21,039 but my brain is like, no, you're you're better than ever. 244 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,279 You're really thinking clearly, you haven't had very much to drink, 245 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:28,440 You're fine. And so I make decisions to drive, you know, 246 00:13:28,759 --> 00:13:33,360 because it's and I always say, like, sober me would 247 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,879 be horrified, like what are you doing, Like you've been drinking, 248 00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:39,080 Like get you can get behind the wheel of the car. 249 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:43,279 But drunk me is not convinced at all that I'm drunk, 250 00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:46,519 so so to me, there was no more clear indication 251 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,600 of like, this is why you need to stop drinking, 252 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:55,039 because this decision is extremely dangerous and you have kids. 253 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,279 And I realized I can't say I'll never do that again. 254 00:13:59,519 --> 00:14:01,519 Like it's that it's not the kind of thing when 255 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,600 when you're drinking, you don't learn your lesson. You don't 256 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,919 go like, oh, well, I won't do that again, because 257 00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:10,240 the next time you drink, you're gonna do things again, 258 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:14,559 because that's what it does. Yeah, And. 259 00:14:16,039 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 2: It's interesting, like now that I'm sober, it's like you 260 00:14:19,519 --> 00:14:23,200 can tell when people whenever you're drunk, you can't really. 261 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,279 Speaker 1: Tell when people are lying to you. 262 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 2: And that's what really got me in trouble, like the 263 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,519 situation with the bury of me, and like I could 264 00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:30,600 have just been being lied to, but once it happened, 265 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,159 once I was like, I'm in this. 266 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:34,519 Speaker 1: Right, you know. 267 00:14:34,679 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 2: But now I would look at the situation and I 268 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,159 wouldn't even come one hundred steps close. 269 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,039 Speaker 1: To that situation because it's obvious, you know. 270 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 2: So I think we try to also rationalize our behavior 271 00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:46,559 by do you think, what wasn't that bad? 272 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:50,200 Speaker 1: But like, no, it was bad. But also, and this 273 00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:53,200 might be a little bit off topic of like pre alcoholism, 274 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:57,399 but I think that probably stuff in your background, stuff 275 00:14:57,399 --> 00:15:00,159 in my background, makes you really susceptible to the the 276 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,159 love bombing. So it's like when somebody, especially somebody who's 277 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:09,159 married or but their intent on being with you, you 278 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,240 get lied to a lot, and you get a lot 279 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,600 of very focused attention and uh, you're the one for me. 280 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,480 This is my love story. This is like we were 281 00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:21,840 meant to beat. I mean, this is you don't know 282 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,559 at the time. I didn't know at the time, Like, 283 00:15:23,559 --> 00:15:26,399 oh this is what people do. You just think, Oh, well, 284 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:31,799 his marriage is over, he's leaving, Like I'm not doing 285 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,840 something that wrong like or whatever, or they're open or 286 00:15:34,879 --> 00:15:37,320 whatever they tell you to make you go like, okay, 287 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,879 I'm not just deliberately being a bad person. 288 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:45,679 Speaker 2: Love bombing. Love bombing is such a drug. Oh it 289 00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:48,320 feels good in the moment, but after when they take 290 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:53,799 it away, like gut wrenching, the worst feeling. Like and 291 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,799 that's why I'm so grateful all these things happened. I 292 00:15:57,919 --> 00:16:00,080 would never ever, ever ever want to be in that 293 00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:02,840 time in my life again and I hate that. Like 294 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,279 it's not regret, it's just like I wouldn't want to 295 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:10,120 experience that again. But without it, you know, I have 296 00:16:10,159 --> 00:16:12,639 a lot of awareness when it comes to like relationships 297 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,440 and then now, and I'm grateful for that. 298 00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:17,799 Speaker 1: Go back a little bit and talk to me about 299 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:22,480 your upbringing. What was the situation with your parents. I mean, 300 00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,120 I know a little bit, and I'm going to try 301 00:16:24,159 --> 00:16:26,720 to get your mom to come on the show. 302 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:32,159 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I was four when they divorce, and then 303 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:35,480 my two blood brothers and I we would go back 304 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,240 and forth between the houses every week. 305 00:16:38,159 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 1: And so my mom was really cool, really fun. 306 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 2: Dad was really really strict. So it was like living 307 00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:45,279 in two different worlds every week. And I lived out 308 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,480 of a ver Bradley bag until I was thirteen, and 309 00:16:48,519 --> 00:16:51,399 then at fourteen, my mom lost her job. She was 310 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,879 a mechanical engineer. She lost her job and then that's 311 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,639 when her alcoholism took over. But growing up, my parents 312 00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:59,480 were drinking almost every day, at least one of them. 313 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: They were drinking. 314 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,639 Speaker 2: I maybe not every day, but it might hit my 315 00:17:03,759 --> 00:17:05,319 brain at that age, that's what I saw. 316 00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:06,920 Speaker 1: Drinking was normal. 317 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,799 Speaker 2: Their part friends partied. They got really drunk and they 318 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,279 changed and that was just normal. 319 00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:12,440 Speaker 1: All their friends did it. 320 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,519 Speaker 2: And then once we were going back and forth between 321 00:17:15,519 --> 00:17:18,519 the houses, my mom for a period she had a 322 00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:23,079 little boyfriends and she got engaged to this guy once. 323 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:24,519 And then we moved into a bigger house, so I 324 00:17:24,559 --> 00:17:26,680 actually had a sister for a little bit. And then 325 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,279 one day I came home and they were gone. We 326 00:17:30,279 --> 00:17:32,319 were stuck in this big house. And then my mom 327 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,319 unfortunately lost her job and then that's when alcoholism took over, 328 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,640 and then the recession, and. 329 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: So long story short, we're talking like two thousand and eight. 330 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,440 I graduated two year fifteen. Yeah, okay, so around that 331 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,359 time you must have been kind of young. I was thirteen, 332 00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:54,839 okay when she lost her job. Fourteen, it was like 333 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:59,799 going into yeah, go after eighth grade whatever that was. 334 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,920 Graduated twenty fifteen, so whatever, whatever those dates are. And 335 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,359 she lived in a couple apartments back and forth, worked 336 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,759 like smaller jobs and stuff, but eventually. 337 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:16,160 Speaker 2: Moved her timeline. I don't even know her timeline, honestly, 338 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,279 it is so crazy. She lived in like ten different places. 339 00:18:18,319 --> 00:18:20,440 But I had to eventually live with my dad full time, 340 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,079 and that just wasn't good for me as a young 341 00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:25,720 girl struggling. He did his best, but it just wasn't 342 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:27,799 a good situation for what I needed. 343 00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:31,559 Speaker 1: I needed my mom. So your mom was pretty bad 344 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,359 with her alcoholism at that point and just couldn't care 345 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:34,680 for you. 346 00:18:35,559 --> 00:18:39,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, was she did she go to treatment? Yeah, went 347 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,480 to treatment, went to jail. She wore ankle bracelet in 348 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,720 my high school graduation, couldn't drive. 349 00:18:46,599 --> 00:18:48,559 Speaker 1: For a while. Yeah, all of it, all of it. 350 00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:51,119 Do you eys? Do uys? Do you guys now? Were 351 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,000 you aware of that at the time, Like you know, 352 00:18:53,039 --> 00:18:55,839 we were chatting a little bit before we went on air, 353 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,839 But that's a lot for a young girl. Did you 354 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:06,960 feel responsible for her? Was she emotionally reliant on you? No? 355 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,279 Speaker 2: There was a period where my one brother was in college, 356 00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,079 the other brother lived at my dad's full time just 357 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,000 because the house was bigger, and then I lived in 358 00:19:14,039 --> 00:19:15,839 the apartment with just my mom because I just didn't 359 00:19:15,839 --> 00:19:16,839 really get along. 360 00:19:16,559 --> 00:19:20,039 Speaker 1: With my dad at the time. And yeah, she. 361 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 2: Was died a couple of times and her little fourteen 362 00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:26,319 year old daughter had. 363 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: To step in and be the savior. What happened? Can 364 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:39,319 you tell me the situation? Yeah? 365 00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:42,559 Speaker 2: I was a freshman in high school and I just 366 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:47,200 came home and she was an estate that wasn't safe, 367 00:19:47,559 --> 00:19:49,079 and so I had to call my dad and we 368 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:51,319 had to take her to the psyche Word. And then 369 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,200 everything kind of went downhill from there because we're kind 370 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,640 of hiding it. We were kind of hiding the drinking 371 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,920 for my dad. So I could still live with her 372 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,279 because she would let me go drink. My best friend 373 00:19:59,279 --> 00:20:00,880 lived downstairs in the apartments. We would just go and 374 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,759 drink every day. 375 00:20:02,839 --> 00:20:04,799 Speaker 1: And I love my dad. I could still sneak out. 376 00:20:04,799 --> 00:20:08,039 I alway knuck out the basement, but he was just strict, 377 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:14,240 very strict. So when you have your mom admitted to 378 00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,039 the psych word, what happens you can't go back with 379 00:20:17,079 --> 00:20:18,400 her after that, I'd. 380 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,559 Speaker 2: Immediately movement with my dad full time. You knew that 381 00:20:21,599 --> 00:20:25,799 would happen, yes, and that's why I hit it. But 382 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,319 this situation was just so bad that there was no 383 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,359 hiding it. You were you scared, Yeah, she was going 384 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:37,640 to die. I mean you say it like. 385 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: Pretty almost dispassionately, but that must have been something very 386 00:20:42,039 --> 00:20:45,880 traumatizing at the time. I wonder. I mean, I've had 387 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,920 a few things happen around that age. I don't know, 388 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,839 I feel like we have stuff in common, even though 389 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,799 I'm much older than you. But did you just kind 390 00:20:53,799 --> 00:20:56,279 of you must have kind of shut down a little 391 00:20:56,319 --> 00:20:58,559 bit and been like, Okay, I'm on my own. I 392 00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:01,200 guess I guess I have to be scrappier and take 393 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:01,920 care of myself. 394 00:21:02,759 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 2: I was very angry at her because I had to 395 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,119 go live with my dad, and I'm trying to be 396 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,839 I'm trying to tread carefully talking about this aspect of it, 397 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,480 because I don't know if the details are necessarily important, 398 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:24,000 you know, but that's Yeah, it was the hardest period 399 00:21:24,039 --> 00:21:28,640 in my life. So that's when my drinking got even worse. 400 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,960 I was going to say, so, must have escalated everything 401 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:33,920 and drugs. 402 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,799 Speaker 1: Were you doing drugs? 403 00:21:35,799 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 2: I started smoking weed at fourteen, but that's about it. 404 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:45,400 Speaker 1: So weed never got into like cocaine. College, Okay, all right, 405 00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:48,839 Well then so you finish high school. Your mama's shows 406 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:54,160 up with the ankle bracelet, high school graduation, and then 407 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,640 you went to college. Yeah, so during this time, I 408 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,480 think it's interesting to say that you were not struggling 409 00:22:01,559 --> 00:22:03,519 in school. You were a very good student. 410 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:04,599 Speaker 2: Yeah. 411 00:22:04,599 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 1: I graduated with a four point two GP. What is 412 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,599 that about us? Alkis some of us can really keep 413 00:22:11,599 --> 00:22:14,640 our shit together in certain ways. I couldn't. I was 414 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,839 a terrible student, but really creating, and you're probably successful 415 00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:24,599 in some other aspect. I think addiction, No, I was smart. No, 416 00:22:24,839 --> 00:22:28,039 I was not. No, I was not excelling in any ways. 417 00:22:28,079 --> 00:22:29,759 But go on, it's okay. 418 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,720 Speaker 2: I think for a lot of addicts, addiction and intellect 419 00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:35,680 dance like this. And I think a lot of us 420 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,279 are trying to shut up our brain. I've had so 421 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,480 much information in this brain for so long, I just 422 00:22:39,519 --> 00:22:44,160 wanted to stop. I like, I like saw a video 423 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,599 recently that people say that there's periods in their day 424 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,039 where there's just nothing in their head, and I was like, 425 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,240 you're a writer. I write novels in my head every day. 426 00:22:53,519 --> 00:22:55,720 I'm like, I could really pump out like twenty books 427 00:22:55,759 --> 00:22:58,279 right now. Shit, I'm just thinking about I know, if 428 00:22:58,279 --> 00:22:59,039 it just isn't. 429 00:22:58,839 --> 00:23:02,240 Speaker 1: Necessary, must be so nice just to have quiet in 430 00:23:02,279 --> 00:23:05,160 your brain for no reason. Well that's what a blockout was, 431 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:13,160 you know what. Yeah, you're right, yeah, or like ten bunths. Well, 432 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,480 for me, pot was never great because I would do 433 00:23:15,559 --> 00:23:18,200 it if there was nothing else but or just if 434 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,519 it was there, or if it was offered to me, whatever, 435 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,400 But I would just get so paranoid and anxious. I 436 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,599 don't know why I continue to do that to myself, 437 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,359 but that's an addiction. Man, something's not even good. And 438 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:33,119 you're like, Okay, sure I'll do it. Oh I had 439 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,680 a terrible experience, Let's do it again, Let's try again. 440 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:36,880 Maybe this time will be different. 441 00:23:37,839 --> 00:23:40,119 Speaker 2: It made me paranoid and anxious too. But once you 442 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:45,599 smoke a certain amount, you pass that into what I 443 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,279 call was like psychosis. 444 00:23:48,799 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: And you're seeing stuff. But it's like, I don't know, 445 00:23:51,319 --> 00:23:56,599 I think I just psychosis goals. 446 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,759 Speaker 2: I think there was just a goal of me just 447 00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:00,680 trying to be in a different way head and so 448 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,880 I'm kind of jumping the gun. But once I quit drinking, 449 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:07,160 I smoked weed aggressively for three years after, and so 450 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,440 I was just trying to get and I was literally 451 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,519 trying to rewire my brain. 452 00:24:11,559 --> 00:24:15,599 Speaker 1: So it was just different. So okay, so you go 453 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,720 to college, Yeah, things get worse or better? Oh my god. 454 00:24:21,599 --> 00:24:22,160 So okay. 455 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,920 Speaker 2: So it was confusing because when I went to college, 456 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,599 that was my first time ever having. 457 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: Like my room that like felt like my room, you 458 00:24:29,279 --> 00:24:29,839 know what I mean. 459 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,400 Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my god, all my stuff 460 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,160 can be here because my mom was out and about, 461 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,960 but I'd stuff in her storage like some things were 462 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:35,279 with her. 463 00:24:35,319 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 1: It was confusing. Go to college, I'm living well. 464 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,559 Speaker 2: First off, I leave the girls that made that account 465 00:24:40,559 --> 00:24:42,640 about me, because that followed me. 466 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:43,880 Speaker 1: It followed me to graduation. 467 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,880 Speaker 2: I they were at the graduation party, like everything was 468 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,519 just so present and no one would admit it. So 469 00:24:50,759 --> 00:24:54,480 I was just the bad person at. 470 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: Least in my head. That's where my head was. 471 00:24:56,519 --> 00:24:58,799 Speaker 2: And because this girl who made the account, she ended 472 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,400 up like doing other things, like it didn't stop at 473 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:02,920 the account. 474 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,599 Speaker 1: I'll leave that there. They were like, yeah, they were evil. 475 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,200 But I go to. 476 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,799 Speaker 2: College and I'm living with my still best friend at 477 00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:14,640 the time now a girl named Fiona from San Diego, 478 00:25:14,759 --> 00:25:16,799 and she's like a ray of sunshine. 479 00:25:17,079 --> 00:25:19,640 Speaker 1: She is just fun and she liked to blackout like me. 480 00:25:20,039 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 2: So I went to college and I somehow became friends 481 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,680 with all these girls from California and I was like, 482 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,160 these are my people, like I East Coast people. 483 00:25:28,799 --> 00:25:29,240 Speaker 1: I don't know. 484 00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,079 Speaker 2: I just moved there and I became a really good 485 00:25:31,079 --> 00:25:34,240 friends with girls from Colorado, California, and I just like 486 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,119 college was the first time I had a few good 487 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:37,839 friends in high school, but college was the first time 488 00:25:37,839 --> 00:25:40,400 I found female friendship. So in one aspect, it is 489 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,079 the greatest thing that happened to me. But I've been drinked, 490 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:47,240 not every weekend, every day. We would drink four Locos 491 00:25:47,559 --> 00:25:51,319 Admiral Nelson's every single day. I had a four local 492 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:53,480 at least every single day, and I put on like 493 00:25:53,519 --> 00:25:54,400 forty pounds. 494 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:57,119 Speaker 1: My freshman year at college. Like the sex stuff was 495 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,680 at its peak. 496 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 2: But no one knew about the Twitter account, and no 497 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,359 one knew about my past, and I didn't tell anyone 498 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,160 about it. So it was if like I kind of 499 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,400 like removed that whole aspect of myself and brought all 500 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,480 the good things. But I was still in raging alcoholic, 501 00:26:11,559 --> 00:26:17,000 but a lot of people were, like twenty sixteen, twenty fifteen, 502 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,880 twenty sixteen is when I was a freshman in college, 503 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,599 Like they talk about twenty sixteen, like house parties, no 504 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,559 one has their phones out. 505 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: Like raging. 506 00:26:26,599 --> 00:26:31,599 Speaker 2: It was just an experience, and I'm grateful for like 507 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,279 maybe one tenth of those nights, but the rest it 508 00:26:34,559 --> 00:26:37,440 no bad things happen like it should happen freshman year. 509 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,599 And I tell a story in the book about something 510 00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:44,440 that happened to me freshman year that involved like essay 511 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,559 and stuff, and it was terrifying. But yeah, I would 512 00:26:48,559 --> 00:26:49,200 just drink more. 513 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, suppress it. Do you feel like since you've quit drinking, 514 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,039 you had to deal with some of those things that 515 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,160 you just numb? 516 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:04,039 Speaker 2: Doubt so the weed none that writing the book helped, 517 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,720 you know, because I talk about it in the book. 518 00:27:05,759 --> 00:27:08,000 But I was It's as if like the book was 519 00:27:08,039 --> 00:27:11,759 me intellectualizing everything and getting it out and telling my story. 520 00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,880 And then I wasn't able to finish the book until 521 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,319 I wrote the last chapter, which is just so funny 522 00:27:16,319 --> 00:27:17,640 and he as a writer, I know, you know this 523 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,599 whole process. I couldn't finish it until I quit wheat 524 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,079 because the last chapter is like a twenty twenty five 525 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,279 forward saying why I quit. 526 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,359 Speaker 1: Like this is the truth, like it this. 527 00:27:28,279 --> 00:27:32,119 Speaker 2: Brought me to this point. And once that happened, it 528 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:36,680 was a few months of just like quitting wheat, because 529 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,200 when I quit alcohol, I was still microdosing shrooms almost 530 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,039 every day and smoking like two to three months and 531 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,200 diet coke like that's still the life of an addict, 532 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,960 but it's the life of an addict not blocking out, 533 00:27:46,279 --> 00:27:49,240 which is really nice. And I also was able to 534 00:27:49,279 --> 00:27:53,839 create a lot. But once the weed was like awful, 535 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,799 I do like I'm an addict. I was one hundred 536 00:27:56,799 --> 00:27:58,519 percent addicted to it. It was making me a really 537 00:27:58,559 --> 00:28:01,559 angry person. It was making me really depressed. I couldn't 538 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,680 keep relationships, like it's just it was the same relationship, 539 00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:05,640 just less dangerous. 540 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:06,680 Speaker 1: But then I was. 541 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,519 Speaker 2: Driving every single day while belligerately high, so like also 542 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,960 not less dangerous, it's just there wasn't blocking out, which 543 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,519 was my biggest problem for so long. 544 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:19,720 Speaker 1: Tell me, tell me about like the how you quitting? 545 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,599 Like what did you do? What was the bottom? What 546 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,039 was the Yeah, this has got to stop. Yeah. 547 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,519 Speaker 2: So I was working for the NBA at the time, 548 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,319 and I had some clients who. 549 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:36,319 Speaker 1: Were like very successful actors and creatives. 550 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,720 Speaker 2: And I just always knew that I was meant for 551 00:28:37,839 --> 00:28:42,559 something that like used my voice and I felt confident 552 00:28:42,599 --> 00:28:43,680 in and was creative. 553 00:28:43,759 --> 00:28:45,960 Speaker 1: But my entire life, I thought. 554 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 2: Like I was raised by you know, like the classic 555 00:28:48,559 --> 00:28:51,680 like white collar you know boomers, like you go to 556 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,279 work and you come home and you have kids and 557 00:28:53,359 --> 00:28:55,839 your days over and then when I met all these people, 558 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,160 like I left Colorado, I went to Atlanta after I 559 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,480 graduated college with my ex boyfriend now. 560 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,599 Speaker 1: And it just introduced me to this world. 561 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,279 Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my god, I'm a creative 562 00:29:07,319 --> 00:29:08,920 and people are like, why aren't you acting? Like why 563 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,839 aren't you doing this? Because they just like saw something, 564 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,880 you know. And so I had a really good conversation 565 00:29:13,039 --> 00:29:16,440 with an actress and the most interesting thing about her 566 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:17,920 is we were in the court Side club. Because most 567 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:19,240 of my days were in the court side club? 568 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 1: What are you doing? I was a premium sales manager. 569 00:29:23,119 --> 00:29:26,359 Speaker 2: Okay, but then for the I don't know if I 570 00:29:26,359 --> 00:29:29,119 can say it, Atlanta Hawks, I have to cut that out, Okay, 571 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,240 I don't know why. 572 00:29:31,799 --> 00:29:35,039 Speaker 1: I don't know releasing any information. That's cool? You have Okay, 573 00:29:35,039 --> 00:29:35,960 see a cool job? 574 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,480 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, And but I was drinking on the job 575 00:29:40,559 --> 00:29:44,359 because the client who I was talking about married man. 576 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,839 Speaker 1: He gave me drinks. It was fun. Yeah, but I 577 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,599 was really drunk on the job. Okay, but that's in 578 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,440 the past for sure. 579 00:29:53,519 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 2: But I met this actress and the most interesting thing 580 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:59,839 about her was that we were in the club when 581 00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,440 I I tell you, their open bar is an open 582 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:03,799 bar like I've never seen in my life. 583 00:30:04,359 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: It is five star. And she wouldn't take a drink, 584 00:30:07,759 --> 00:30:12,319 and I was like, why is this girl drinking the 585 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:17,240 most foreign thing? You're like, uh, you have give free drinks? 586 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,279 Oh my god. She's like no, what's to be on 587 00:30:19,279 --> 00:30:20,359 set the next day? I was like. 588 00:30:22,119 --> 00:30:25,359 Speaker 2: And so then I slowly somehow got into background work 589 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:27,559 and I was on the set of a show and 590 00:30:27,599 --> 00:30:28,799 I won't be able to say the name of this 591 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,960 because of what I did, but they had for some reason, 592 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,000 they gave a champagne, which I don't think they're supposed 593 00:30:34,039 --> 00:30:36,160 to do this, but I was like background for like 594 00:30:36,519 --> 00:30:39,319 a party, and I was handcuffed to a random girl 595 00:30:39,319 --> 00:30:40,880 and they gave us a bottle of champagne and I 596 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:42,559 wouldn't let the girl have any of it. I drank 597 00:30:42,599 --> 00:30:43,200 the whole bottle. 598 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:45,960 Speaker 1: Classic I was like, you don't need this. Because he 599 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,000 was twenty. I was like, you don't need this. 600 00:30:47,039 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 2: I drink the whole thing, and I was like, and 601 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,119 round me, everyone was just taking SIPs. I was like, oh, 602 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:52,680 this will end my career if I really want to 603 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,440 do this. And so that was one aspect of it. 604 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,799 It was that the married man actually played an important 605 00:30:58,839 --> 00:31:01,119 role because he was very famili you're with alcoholism, and 606 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:02,839 he's the first person that looked at me and said, 607 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,640 you don't need a drink. You know, it wasn't judging me. 608 00:31:05,759 --> 00:31:07,599 He was just saying, like, you don't need this to 609 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,279 be who you are. You're amazing, you're brilliant, You're going 610 00:31:10,359 --> 00:31:12,200 to be very successful. You do not need that to 611 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:12,559 do that. 612 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: And I hate that. It's I don't hate it. 613 00:31:15,519 --> 00:31:18,599 Speaker 2: I just it's so interesting that it's like the most 614 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:21,799 random person that can kind of plant something in your head. 615 00:31:22,599 --> 00:31:23,599 Speaker 1: That's why they always say you. 616 00:31:23,559 --> 00:31:25,839 Speaker 2: Can't be the partner of someone telling them to quit drinking, 617 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,359 you can't be this. Sometimes it really is an outsider 618 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:29,880 who comes in and gets to know you and just 619 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:30,359 sees it. 620 00:31:30,839 --> 00:31:31,960 Speaker 1: And so that was a seed. 621 00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:34,319 Speaker 2: The other seed in my twenty fifth birthday, I had 622 00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,880 a really bad blackout. I was living alone in Atlanta 623 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,519 at the time, and I tell the story in my book, 624 00:31:40,559 --> 00:31:43,240 so I won't tell it now, but it was scary 625 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,079 and can tell you a little. 626 00:31:47,759 --> 00:31:48,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. 627 00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:51,359 Speaker 2: I just I went to a club, I got a 628 00:31:51,359 --> 00:31:53,559 bunch of free drinks. I took an adderall because I 629 00:31:53,599 --> 00:31:56,880 was also like abusing adderall on bypance when I was 630 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,400 drinking is it let you drink more? And I woke 631 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,240 up and I was just splattered on my bed and 632 00:32:02,279 --> 00:32:05,440 there was just some girl had came in my apartment 633 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,559 brought me home, and she left me this very concerning 634 00:32:09,799 --> 00:32:11,960 voice smail on my work phone. Somehow I gave her 635 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,880 my work phone number. I deleted the voice because it 636 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,119 was so bad, so I can't read it verbatim. But 637 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:19,799 I don't know how she found me. I don't know 638 00:32:19,799 --> 00:32:22,119 where I was because my friends that dropped me off 639 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,119 dropped me off after the bar dropped me off at 640 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,359 my apartment. So what happened from the front door to 641 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,440 my apartment to my bed, I don't know. And my 642 00:32:28,519 --> 00:32:30,640 phone was found in the hallway flights above. 643 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:33,920 Speaker 1: Wow. And so that same. 644 00:32:33,799 --> 00:32:36,079 Speaker 2: Day I had tickets to go to like the Delta 645 00:32:36,119 --> 00:32:39,200 Sky Club at the Braves game like free alcohol, and 646 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,039 I went there and I was just drinking those beers 647 00:32:41,079 --> 00:32:45,759 just like. And then three days later I went to 648 00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:47,599 a girlfriend's house who I was working with, and she 649 00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:50,279 had this really nice patio and I get there and 650 00:32:50,319 --> 00:32:52,160 I tried usually I was brought a bottle of wine 651 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,880 wherever I went. Of course, this time I was like, 652 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,319 let me not bring it, let me not do that, 653 00:32:56,359 --> 00:32:57,920 because I was like, oh I should, Like I was. 654 00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:59,359 Speaker 1: Really wanting to quit. I tried quitting. 655 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 2: Let's say I tried witting like one hundred times at 656 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,200 this point. I've been trying to quit drinking for a 657 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,079 long time. At this point, right right, I. 658 00:33:05,039 --> 00:33:07,759 Speaker 1: Never made it past I very rarely made it past 659 00:33:07,799 --> 00:33:08,599 twenty four hours. 660 00:33:08,799 --> 00:33:10,759 Speaker 2: If I want twenty four hours of drink without drinking, 661 00:33:10,759 --> 00:33:11,960 I would celebrate by drinking. 662 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,359 Speaker 1: I think I made it once seventy two hours. You know, 663 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:17,119 people don't understand that. Like, but by the time that 664 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:20,279 I quit drinking, I was definitely drinking seven days a week, 665 00:33:20,599 --> 00:33:23,359 and of course had also. But I hear people when 666 00:33:23,359 --> 00:33:25,720 they're like, oh, you know, and then the you know, 667 00:33:25,759 --> 00:33:27,519 I'll take like a week off here and there, and 668 00:33:27,559 --> 00:33:31,599 I'm like, okay, not an alcoholic. I don't want to. 669 00:33:31,839 --> 00:33:34,400 I don't want to change anybody's thinking. Who's listening is 670 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,480 of course, of course you can stop before it gets 671 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,599 to the point that you have to drink every single day. 672 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,680 But I'm always jealous of those people that are like, yeah, 673 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,920 I just stopped for a couple of weeks. Really, I 674 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,880 think I think that's a difference. Like I do think 675 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:48,480 there's like I. 676 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:51,680 Speaker 2: Think alcohol alcoholism, like alcoholic, whatever the word is. Research 677 00:33:51,759 --> 00:33:53,400 is getting more broad and I talk about a lot 678 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:56,400 of like alcohol use disorder, bange drinking disorder, But there's 679 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:58,240 a difference. I don't think there's a difference, but I 680 00:33:58,319 --> 00:34:01,799 think both can fall under the alcohol like map, which 681 00:34:01,839 --> 00:34:03,960 is just straight up alcoholism drinking every day. 682 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:05,559 Speaker 1: And then binge use drinking disorder. 683 00:34:05,839 --> 00:34:08,519 Speaker 2: Right, And I think a lot of people who still 684 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:13,159 consider themselves alcoholics have been drinking use disorder and. 685 00:34:14,599 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: That's what a lot of people struggle with. 686 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,800 Speaker 2: That's still not great, you know, And if they want 687 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:20,320 to be alcoholics, come on, you know what I mean. 688 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,960 Speaker 1: Listen. I always say, and we always say, like all 689 00:34:24,039 --> 00:34:28,280 you to qualify as an alcoholic, you need to want 690 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:30,480 to quit drinking. You know, if you want to quit 691 00:34:30,559 --> 00:34:34,559 drinking and you're having trouble quitting drinking, this is important. 692 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,440 It doesn't matter, like I always it doesn't matter whether 693 00:34:38,519 --> 00:34:41,119 you're a alcoholic, whether you could take up a blood 694 00:34:41,119 --> 00:34:43,639 tests and they go, yes, you qualify. It's like if 695 00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:48,039 you are trying to quit drinking, especially many times, you know, 696 00:34:48,079 --> 00:34:50,320 people always go, well, why don't you just moderate? Well, 697 00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,719 obviously I can't moderate, which is why I had to 698 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:57,519 quit entirely. Yeah, so if you're moderating your drinking and 699 00:34:57,559 --> 00:35:00,559 you're not successful at that, then it's it doesn't matter 700 00:35:00,559 --> 00:35:05,280 whether you call it alcoholism, alcohol use disorder, a drinking problem, 701 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:08,239 whatever it is. Abstinence can help. 702 00:35:09,039 --> 00:35:12,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, definitely. And that just brings up a point 703 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,239 in my book is the entire time when I was 704 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,079 writing this book, I didn't call myself an alcoholic. 705 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,920 Speaker 1: I said I had alcohol use disorder. 706 00:35:19,199 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 2: And it's just funny because within the book, I write 707 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:22,920 like little notes at the end of a lot of chapters, 708 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:26,199 like twenty twenty five perspectives, and I'm like, I am 709 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,800 a great a alcoholic, Like it's interesting doing this book 710 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,599 and all this because there's a lot of research, Like 711 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:32,719 this book isn't just stories like I'd say. Every other 712 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:35,440 chapter is like my version. Like I say, I'm not 713 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,360 a doctor, I'm not a scientist, but I did a 714 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,400 lot of research. This like helped me stay sober. I 715 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,000 wasn't in program when I wrote this whole book. I 716 00:35:42,039 --> 00:35:43,599 didn't go to my first a meeting until like two 717 00:35:43,679 --> 00:35:46,559 years after my last drink, I dove in and I 718 00:35:46,639 --> 00:35:49,559 wrote essays about it, and I read different books, and 719 00:35:49,559 --> 00:35:52,800 I researched other alcoholics, and I really researched this disease 720 00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:55,119 in a way that was just so authentic to who 721 00:35:55,119 --> 00:35:56,920 I was, and I was still smoking weed. So that's 722 00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,480 why I think it's an interesting perspective because now I 723 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,760 would write it totally different book since I've been in 724 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,400 program and since I've been doing different research and now 725 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,360 that I'm not smoking weed, But both are still accurate, 726 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:07,920 and both. 727 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 1: Are still it's good information. 728 00:36:10,079 --> 00:36:12,079 Speaker 2: And that's why I just like modern Like I'm so 729 00:36:12,159 --> 00:36:14,519 against technology in some ways, but there's so much research 730 00:36:14,559 --> 00:36:17,480 at our hands, especially if you're younger people who are struggling, 731 00:36:17,559 --> 00:36:21,239 Like there's so many ways to learn about this, and 732 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,719 so yeah, this book kind of I think after writing 733 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:24,960 reading the book, I was like, oh, I'm. 734 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:25,880 Speaker 1: A great a alcoholic. 735 00:36:26,039 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 2: I didn't consider myself drinking when I was having just 736 00:36:31,039 --> 00:36:31,599 a bottle. 737 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,360 Speaker 1: Of wine to day, that. 738 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,840 Speaker 2: Was just a normal day. It was when I had 739 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:37,960 like two bottles and then some shots that I was drinking. 740 00:36:40,639 --> 00:36:44,159 Speaker 1: I think that's relatable. Yeah, and that's. 741 00:36:44,039 --> 00:36:45,800 Speaker 2: It's just so weird now, Like I just it's so 742 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,280 interesting when you're in it. And this brings me back 743 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,000 to the point of how I quit. It was the 744 00:36:50,039 --> 00:36:52,519 most random thing. That was my last straw, Like the 745 00:36:52,639 --> 00:36:55,800 most random. And this is where spirituality comes into it, 746 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,800 because around twenty twenty I discovered like my version of spirituality, 747 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,719 which is like I it. 748 00:37:02,679 --> 00:37:04,039 Speaker 1: Follows more so onto like the. 749 00:37:05,599 --> 00:37:09,800 Speaker 2: Esoteric level of it, and I just I think there's 750 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,280 multiple ways to communicate with a higher power, and I 751 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,920 found mine and that's more so through like crystals, tarot, 752 00:37:16,039 --> 00:37:19,760 meditation and praying you know, to goddess, citizen gods and 753 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:21,920 just our changels. Like I just believe like there's like 754 00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,039 a whole robust version of it. And I grew up 755 00:37:24,079 --> 00:37:26,519 Catholic and so it was so strict and so I 756 00:37:26,519 --> 00:37:28,400 didn't have a spiritual life for a while. 757 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:28,800 Speaker 1: And then I. 758 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:32,599 Speaker 2: Discovered this and that played such an important aspect in it. 759 00:37:32,639 --> 00:37:34,840 So there was an aspect of it of getting sober. 760 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:36,280 And I don't like to say this because it's not 761 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:39,760 really helpful, but it was magic. I know that's not 762 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,039 helpful for people struggling, but like. 763 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,760 Speaker 1: So that's what it was about. Last what was your 764 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,400 last drink? It was okay. 765 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,760 Speaker 2: So I I just talking about the girl's balcony. The 766 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,840 friend whose house I went to over went over to 767 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:52,519 her house and I didn't bring a bottle of wine. 768 00:37:53,159 --> 00:37:54,760 And I get there and I we really have a hole. 769 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,280 We're going to sit there and watch a movie. And 770 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,639 I'm like looking around, and I saw that she had 771 00:37:59,639 --> 00:38:01,679 a bottle wine, and I was like, can I have 772 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,760 some of that? She was like okay, and she pourches 773 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:06,679 me a glass and I sat on her balcony drinking 774 00:38:06,679 --> 00:38:09,280 her wine and I drank the whole bottle. And I 775 00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,880 went home and I was like, oh, drove home, went 776 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,920 home and okay. And then also another there's like ten straws. 777 00:38:16,159 --> 00:38:16,559 Speaker 1: One. 778 00:38:16,679 --> 00:38:19,719 Speaker 2: I was doing a video, like a music video for 779 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:23,599 a friend, like acting in it, and they had tequila 780 00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:25,920 and I drank half the bottle of tequila and drove 781 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,639 home and almost crashed my car on eighty five. In Atlanta, 782 00:38:29,199 --> 00:38:31,159 I was fighting a black apple driving because I told 783 00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:33,280 myself I would never drink and drive because of my mom. 784 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,880 But once my boyfriend and I broke up and I 785 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,920 was living alone in Atlanta, I was like, I gotta. 786 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,159 Speaker 1: Get places right. I sorted. 787 00:38:41,199 --> 00:38:42,719 Speaker 2: That's how I knew my diciction was bad as I 788 00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:44,599 started doing stuff that I said I would never do 789 00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:49,599 because drink DUIs took my mom away from me. Well, 790 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:53,039 it was alcoholism, but in my head it was DUIs 791 00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:58,360 the police and yeah, so that but my final final straw, 792 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:00,480 the morning that I said I'm never drinking again, my 793 00:39:00,519 --> 00:39:02,760 last drink was on her Balcony. I came home and 794 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,559 this was the next morning. Jack Harlowe released an album. 795 00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,480 It was called like Come Home, Come Home, the Kids 796 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,239 Miss You. And I met him at a game that 797 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:13,039 same year and I was just around him. I was like, 798 00:39:13,159 --> 00:39:15,320 this guy's cool. Why can't I be like this guy? 799 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:19,480 He can be doing well and creating, why can't I? 800 00:39:19,599 --> 00:39:23,639 And so I was just like, you know, and I 801 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:25,480 listened to his album and I didn't know he was 802 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,480 not drinking at the time. And it said in one 803 00:39:28,519 --> 00:39:31,119 of the songs, it's called Young har Leezy and it 804 00:39:31,199 --> 00:39:34,320 says bottle because at this point I'm just gonna be 805 00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:34,880 transparent too. 806 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,760 Speaker 1: And Atlanta, I was going out a lot to strip clubs. 807 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,760 Speaker 2: I was in bottle service, Like I fell in love 808 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,119 with that life. I fell in love with it. So 809 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:45,000 quitting drinking would sacrifice that life. I love being in 810 00:39:45,039 --> 00:39:47,039 the private clubs with bottles. 811 00:39:46,599 --> 00:39:49,079 Speaker 1: And cameras on us. You know, I want to freaking act. 812 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:50,840 It all makes sense now. 813 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:55,360 Speaker 2: But his lyrics said bottles in the sex bottles in 814 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:59,880 this section marked Fiji, like he's in the bottle service, 815 00:40:00,079 --> 00:40:01,480 love drinking Fiji water. 816 00:40:01,519 --> 00:40:04,480 Speaker 1: Right right? That was it. That was it. I was 817 00:40:04,719 --> 00:40:06,800 never drinking again. Then I went on my phone and 818 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:08,440 I researched be transparent. 819 00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:11,000 Speaker 2: I researched actresses that don't drink, and it was all 820 00:40:11,079 --> 00:40:14,679 my favorite actresses, and I just never drank. 821 00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:15,039 Speaker 1: After that. 822 00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:19,519 Speaker 2: It was really hard, and I started chain smoking weed. 823 00:40:19,599 --> 00:40:22,599 But that got me to this point, which I'm fully 824 00:40:22,599 --> 00:40:24,360 sober a year in six days. 825 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:29,679 Speaker 1: It's an incredible story, I think. And then you wrote 826 00:40:29,679 --> 00:40:35,480 the book while you were smoking weed. But then at 827 00:40:35,519 --> 00:40:38,840 the end of the book you quit smoking weed. Yes, 828 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,559 And do you write about that in the book? Oh? Yeah, 829 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:45,440 in the book. Yeah. We can't see it because it's backwards, 830 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,679 but I'm going to link to the book. Yeah. Yeah, 831 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:48,800 the diet. 832 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's called The Diary of a twenty five year 833 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:53,920 old Alcoholic because I wrote it from twenty five to 834 00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:57,119 twenty seven. 835 00:40:56,039 --> 00:41:00,559 Speaker 1: And then I mean, how is it going with that? 836 00:41:01,679 --> 00:41:05,440 And the reason I asked that is because, having also 837 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,880 written a memoir about quitting drinking, you're putting all of 838 00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:11,599 your personal business on front street, Like, how does that feel? 839 00:41:11,599 --> 00:41:13,960 That there's a lot of shame involved and you just 840 00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,880 have to really get used to the idea that you're 841 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:20,559 helping people. Yeah, and I think that's okay. That's another 842 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:21,719 I do. 843 00:41:21,679 --> 00:41:25,000 Speaker 2: Think one of the biggest reasons to how people quit 844 00:41:25,079 --> 00:41:27,840 drinking is purpose. And I think every person has a purpose. 845 00:41:28,119 --> 00:41:29,960 Anyone who says they don't have a purpose, I'm sorry, 846 00:41:30,039 --> 00:41:32,960 you're wrong. If you're on this earth and you are breathing, 847 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:35,639 you have a purpose. I'm very strict on that. I 848 00:41:35,639 --> 00:41:37,920 don't care if it's to go pick berries. I don't 849 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,800 care if it's to try to become president, Like, it 850 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:44,599 doesn't matter. And I think my purpose, at least at 851 00:41:44,639 --> 00:41:46,880 this part of my life when I wrote this and now, 852 00:41:47,039 --> 00:41:50,400 is to share this story to help people who are struggling, 853 00:41:50,519 --> 00:41:51,800 specifically young girls. 854 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:55,840 Speaker 1: And I just have no option the entire time. I 855 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,440 have no idea. I never planned to write a book. 856 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:01,559 I wasn't a writer. Now I am. You're a great writer. 857 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,199 Speaker 2: Thanks, but I wasn't and then I was just I 858 00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:07,119 was just drinking and selling basketball tickets and I wanted 859 00:42:07,159 --> 00:42:09,280 to be an actress, and I'm still pursuing acting. Of course, 860 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:10,920 I think they all blend like at the end of 861 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,960 the day, like I'm an artist, you know, and it's 862 00:42:14,159 --> 00:42:18,639 crazy what it turned into. And honestly, like, yes, the 863 00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:21,920 stories are hard to tell. But I my best friend 864 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,360 and I edited it and I played like the major 865 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:28,159 part in editing it, and I self published. I wrote it, 866 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:31,599 I edited it, I formatted it. Like that forces you 867 00:42:31,639 --> 00:42:32,760 to get comfortable with the material. 868 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:33,440 Speaker 1: If I wrote it. 869 00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,760 Speaker 2: Once and send it to someone and never read it again, 870 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,000 this would be a whole different relationship. I edited every 871 00:42:38,039 --> 00:42:42,320 single word at least twenty times. Like that forces you 872 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,719 to accept this and not become numb to it, but 873 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:47,199 just be like I really thought about it, if I 874 00:42:47,199 --> 00:42:49,639 want to put this out, and I am. And I 875 00:42:49,679 --> 00:42:52,119 almost didn't put Harry Harry Dix in the book. And 876 00:42:52,159 --> 00:42:54,039 then that's the first that's the only chapter I've read 877 00:42:54,119 --> 00:42:57,599 live so far, so and it just shows like I 878 00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:00,000 just there's like and this is where the spirituality comes. 879 00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,159 Speaker 1: It's like I have no choice, like this is what. 880 00:43:02,079 --> 00:43:03,719 Speaker 2: I have to do, because if I don't do this, 881 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:05,159 then I'm not a line with my purpose that makes 882 00:43:05,159 --> 00:43:08,760 me want to drink. That's just how it works for me. 883 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:10,440 I think it's different for everyone. 884 00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:16,239 Speaker 1: But well, it's a beautiful story, and we didn't touch 885 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:18,639 so much on your mom, and I'm really hoping, I'm 886 00:43:18,639 --> 00:43:21,920 really hoping, guys, I'm working on this that I have 887 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:26,280 your mom on the podcast because you know, interestingly, I 888 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,320 am closer in age. I'm very close in age to 889 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,119 your mom. Yeah, who must have had you when she 890 00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:35,239 was so so young. No, I don't think she actually did. 891 00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,840 That's just what I like to tell myself. But the 892 00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:45,039 point is your mom has her own shame and take 893 00:43:45,079 --> 00:43:47,679 on this story that I would relate to in that 894 00:43:47,719 --> 00:43:50,719 way too. So I relate to you and talking about 895 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:54,800 drinking at a young age, and I relate to your mom. 896 00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:58,079 I'm just so grateful that I was able to get 897 00:43:58,079 --> 00:44:00,360 the clarity I needed and quit drinking when my kids 898 00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:04,159 were extremely young. My twins were only eighteen months old, 899 00:44:04,199 --> 00:44:06,159 so they don't have any memory of meat drinking, and 900 00:44:06,239 --> 00:44:09,440 my older daughter was only four so she same. Yeah, 901 00:44:09,519 --> 00:44:12,519 but that's you know, lucky. 902 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to hear her story from that perspective. 903 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:21,480 Speaker 1: With you, I'll set it up. We'll make it work, okay. Anyway, 904 00:44:21,559 --> 00:44:25,079 it was lovely chatting with you. And if they want 905 00:44:25,119 --> 00:44:28,039 to buy the book, yes, Diary of the Diary of 906 00:44:28,079 --> 00:44:30,239 a twenty five year old Alcoholic. I will link to 907 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,119 it and it's Ellie Rose. Say your last name for 908 00:44:33,199 --> 00:44:36,159 us one more time. Sorry to COVID, so COVID C 909 00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,920 I k O V I see but you'll see that 910 00:44:39,039 --> 00:44:44,159 in the link. Oh you're the best. Thank you again, 911 00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:47,760 I met you same all right, bye, everybody, see you 912 00:44:47,800 --> 00:45:04,960 next week. Yet, after a time, he counted the mar