Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I figured we were gonna have to talk
Speaker 1: about it at some point, at least not now. It's
Speaker 1: as good a time as any, isn't it. No? All right,
Speaker 1: so yeah, I have not maares, have not mares, and
Speaker 1: they keep me up at night. And well know, you're right,
Speaker 1: it didn't keep me up, but I didn't exactly go
Speaker 1: to sleep. Sorry, I guess that wasn't that funny. No,
Speaker 1: I have not maries, and I get locked inside of them. Rather,
Speaker 1: it's the same one. There's some variations to it. You're
Speaker 1: in there, but when I wake up, I still feel
Speaker 1: like I'm in it for a few minutes. And that
Speaker 1: was what you saw. Goodness. No, I didn't want to
Speaker 1: wake up at your place. I didn't want to sleep
Speaker 1: at your place. This is why we never moved in together.
Speaker 1: Very few people know, and started telling a few other people.
Speaker 1: But now I've lived with this forever a decade. Well,
Speaker 1: I guess under a decade. It's hard for me to
Speaker 1: keep track of time, especially i'm su a particularly bad one. No,
Speaker 1: they get worse whenever IM's stressed out. They get easier
Speaker 1: when whenever there's something that's calming in my life. But
Speaker 1: it's very rare I find anything that calms me at all,
Speaker 1: or releast long term. But what Yeah, that's why I
Speaker 1: don't particularly sleep a lot because I don't want to
Speaker 1: see it again. So then I end up staying up
Speaker 1: for days on end. Well, yes, I've taken medication. Yes
Speaker 1: I've done sleep studies, I've tried to find comfort items.
Speaker 1: I've done all kinds of crazy things and I still
Speaker 1: have them. And I wake up screaming and then I
Speaker 1: don't want to go back to sleep for a while.
Speaker 1: And then you get your second wind, even though you
Speaker 1: want to sleep, and then you get to the point
Speaker 1: where you can sleep, but then you've got important stuff
Speaker 1: you have to do, and then you go do this
Speaker 1: stuff and you get your third wind. And it's a lot.
Speaker 1: It's what I'm trying to say. It's a lot, and
Speaker 1: it's not easy and there's no easy solution. Doctors are
Speaker 1: working on it. It's just it is what it is.
Speaker 1: And I understand if it's too much for you. No,
Speaker 1: it's why I don't sleep near you. Have you ever
Speaker 1: wondered why I never spend the night. I always leave
Speaker 1: because I always have something I have to do. Well,
Speaker 1: really think about it, like, it's why don't. I've never
Speaker 1: kept long term roommates. Yeah, my sleep starts affecting you.
Speaker 1: You see. That's so sweet of you to say, But
Speaker 1: really think about it. If you're waking up every couple
Speaker 1: of hours, you're not getting sleep. And then if you
Speaker 1: try to comfort me back to sleep, you're getting even
Speaker 1: less sleep. And yeah, you're helping me get sleep, But
Speaker 1: do you realize that like every second or third day
Speaker 1: I am actually you know what, I get so little
Speaker 1: sleep that without drinking a drop of alcohol, without doing
Speaker 1: any drugs, I can be considered inebriated. Like mentally, cognitively,
Speaker 1: I'm considered inebriated. I'm kind of drunk, punch drunk. I
Speaker 1: guess I don't know what you'd call it. But yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm always tired, I'm always sleepy, and I'm always slap
Speaker 1: happy because of it. I'm not saying that I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be happy. I'm not Lord, That's not what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to say at all. I'm not trying to say I'm
Speaker 1: not happy. I'm perfectly happy. But here, look you see this, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's my sleep study journal. I have legitimately been here.
Speaker 1: Look well, no, I'm pulling it out of my drawer.
Speaker 1: I have been studied so much. Do you sail thick?
Speaker 1: This thing is? It has to have like a little
Speaker 1: snap thing to hold it together. It's insane. It's insane
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say. So, yeah, back to you,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want anyone to live the way I do,
Speaker 1: and to be around me while I'm sleeping is to
Speaker 1: live the way I do, it will drive you crazy.
Speaker 1: It's it's driven me crazy, It's driven me mad. Why
Speaker 1: would I want to throw that on you? Exactly? I
Speaker 1: wouldn't want you to live this way. So it's why
Speaker 1: I've always disappeared, and it's why anytime I got anywhere
Speaker 1: close to going to sleep, I dismissed myself. No, it's sweet,
Speaker 1: it's sweet. But I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm baby.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you I don't want to live this way,
Speaker 1: and I don't want you to have to live this way.
Speaker 1: We can't be together like I can have my space
Speaker 1: and you can have your space, and we can live happily,
Speaker 1: live happily like this. What do you mean that's not
Speaker 1: a relationship? What do you mean? No? No, no, no. You
Speaker 1: can absolutely say that you want more, but a relationship
Speaker 1: is defined by the people in it. If I'm happy
Speaker 1: with this, then you could be happy with this. It
Speaker 1: means we're still together, does it not? It means we
Speaker 1: still love each other, doesn't it fine? No, it's fine,
Speaker 1: it's absolutely fine. No, you can go your own way
Speaker 1: and I can what. No, No, I thought you were
Speaker 1: saying you wanted to break up if we couldn't. Oh, oh,
Speaker 1: that makes way more sense. No, I thought you were
Speaker 1: saying you wanted to end it. If I there's no
Speaker 1: possibility of me ever being around you. Really. No, everybody
Speaker 1: walks away whenever I tell them this. Well, yeah, because
Speaker 1: it just sounds like you're sounds like you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to babysit me, or that you're gonna have to suffer
Speaker 1: to be with me. I'm not an easy person to
Speaker 1: try to date. You have to be with someone who
Speaker 1: gets next to no sleep and is constantly babbling, and
Speaker 1: the intrusive thoughts usually win because I'm too freaking tired
Speaker 1: to fight them. No. Really, that has a huge part
Speaker 1: to do with it. I can't fight my intrusive thoughts
Speaker 1: because I'm too tired, and it affects my impulse control. Luckily,
Speaker 1: my intrusive thoughts, are just doing silly things though. Oh yeah, no,
Speaker 1: my best friend you've met her star? Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: I wasn't sure. I mean, she's always around, but I'm
Speaker 1: sure she's around when you were. Well, I'm not sure
Speaker 1: of much of anything right now, I'm going on almost
Speaker 1: two days if no sleep. Yeah. No. She always said
Speaker 1: that it was a sign that I'm a good person,
Speaker 1: that I have no impulse control, and yet my impulses
Speaker 1: are to put googly eyes on cereal boxes. No, I
Speaker 1: don't know how true that is, but oh it gives
Speaker 1: me hope. I hope that I'm not some munster. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: I just didn't think this was going to go that well.
Speaker 1: Though I'm not one hundred percent sure it has gone
Speaker 1: all that well, but we'll see. Right, we're still here
Speaker 1: in the morning. No, I never thought about that. Well,
Speaker 1: that's possible. I guess we could do that. How would
Speaker 1: that work? No, so I would still keep my own space. No,
Speaker 1: that well, I mean, if I'm gonna be honest, it
Speaker 1: just sends a little too kid to be true. Now interesting, No,
Speaker 1: no worries, No worries. Okay, So what you're proposing is
Speaker 1: I come over here once or twice a week on
Speaker 1: a day that you have the next day off, so
Speaker 1: that you can comfort me and maybe I can get
Speaker 1: some actual sleep that night, and that'll make it to
Speaker 1: where I have more sleep on average for the week.
Speaker 1: But again, I would keep my own space so that
Speaker 1: you would have yours and you could go sleep and
Speaker 1: not actually have someone in the other room screaming. Okay,
Speaker 1: well no, that would honestly, that sound lovely. No, like impossibly.
Speaker 1: So I wish my brain worked better so that I
Speaker 1: could think of solutions like this. Mounted well, no, I'd
Speaker 1: have to tell my sleep study specialist, but maybe, well,
Speaker 1: any changes I make to my sleep they like to
Speaker 1: know so that they can try and figure out what's
Speaker 1: going on. I mean, the study also helps other people
Speaker 1: suffering with cpatsd OH complex postumatic stress disorder. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: had an incident happen when I was younger, and it
Speaker 1: just keeps replaying. It's like my brain is stuck on
Speaker 1: this memory and it's struggling to process it. I've been
Speaker 1: in therapy. I've tried to move past it. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the words would be, but I've tried really hard.
Speaker 1: And even though I can talk to you through my feelings.
Speaker 1: I can tell you everything. It's like my brain just
Speaker 1: hasn't my brain hasn't caught up to speed, so it
Speaker 1: just keeps replaying it. Yeah, no, don't be sorry. Please, No,
Speaker 1: the worst thing that you can tell someone suffering from
Speaker 1: this stuff is that you're sorry. Yeah. We don't like
Speaker 1: to feel pitied. We've dealt for it for so long. Honestly,
Speaker 1: it makes us feel worse that we told you, and
Speaker 1: now it feels like we're bringing you down with us. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: don't be sorry for saying your story. This is gonna
Speaker 1: end up being an endlessly visit it. No, it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be all right now except you Jims. I'll
Speaker 1: come over here and we'll see how it goes.
Speaker 2: If it goes left, it goes left. If it works,
Speaker 2: it works, and if it doesn't, we can just go
Speaker 2: back to how we were before. You know, just having
Speaker 2: you in my life, it's been it's been great.
Speaker 1: And I don't mind continuing to deal with this if
Speaker 1: it means that I still get to have you in
Speaker 1: my laugh whatever capacity possible. All right, all right, I'll
Speaker 1: go pack a bag. Hey, guys, seeing Alexander here. Sorry
Speaker 1: that my voice is scratchy. I had a rough morning
Speaker 1: emotionally literally around this topic. Woke up, honestly woke up screaming,
Speaker 1: this is one hundred percent of tru story. Didn't even
Speaker 1: Monster Girls skinify it like I usually do. I have
Speaker 1: talked about it on Discord a little bit. The link
Speaker 1: is in the description if you would like to join.
Speaker 1: I have CPTSD and what that means is complex post
Speaker 1: mac stress disorder. A part of the manifestation of mine
Speaker 1: is I have nightmares that are an hallucinations. Whenever I've
Speaker 1: gone a really long time without sleeping, I see someone
Speaker 1: come into my room. It's the same person and or
Speaker 1: I'll see them come near me it doesn't really matter
Speaker 1: where I'm at, and they'll look just as reel as
Speaker 1: if you walked up to me and shook my hand.
Speaker 1: I can feel them, I can smell them. My brain
Speaker 1: cannot tell the difference. I know the difference, but like
Speaker 1: they're like there. If I've gone a really long time
Speaker 1: without sleeping and can get that bad, that's rare, but
Speaker 1: that is how bad it can get. Essentially, whenever I
Speaker 1: go to sleep, I have the same reoccurring nightmare, which
Speaker 1: is the memory of what happened, and it was bad,
Speaker 1: and I'm locked in it. I can't seem to get out.
Speaker 1: I've been I've been through so many sleep studies, I've
Speaker 1: done so many things. Please no advice. I'm working with
Speaker 1: like professionals and everything, and it's one of the comforts
Speaker 1: I get that working with professionals means that maybe maybe
Speaker 1: one day, if I have to deal with this, maybe
Speaker 1: what they find with me will help someone else one day.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I wake up screaming, and the first couple
Speaker 1: of minutes I legit think I'm still in even though
Speaker 1: this has happened a billion times. My brain is telling
Speaker 1: me it's still happening, and that is really difficult. So
Speaker 1: not just to live with, but like imagine being someone
Speaker 1: near that you can't really get sleep. That person is
Speaker 1: not getting sleep, they're slowly going crazy. They don't sleep,
Speaker 1: but every couple of days and just for a few
Speaker 1: hours at a time. It's it's rough, and it's also
Speaker 1: why a lot of my relationships have crumbolds, because it's
Speaker 1: not an ideal life and it's just something that people
Speaker 1: have to deal with. It's great, but I've had a
Speaker 1: lot of people in my life that were willing to
Speaker 1: be there for me whenever it gets particularly bad, like
Speaker 1: when I get really stressed out it happened recently. It
Speaker 1: it can, it can be, it can it can shut
Speaker 1: a person down. It's actually why I'm not the most
Speaker 1: consistent on this channel. I know it's m I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to use an excuse, because that's also another reason
Speaker 1: why a lot of people don't talk about the things
Speaker 1: they struggle with is they never want to be seen
Speaker 1: as using an excuse. It doesn't make it right. And
Speaker 1: people will be like, oh, you don't have to load
Speaker 1: on your channel, okay, But also Patreons and you guys
Speaker 1: are literally supporting me on the Patreon paying money, and
Speaker 1: I'm not getting stuff done that I should be getting
Speaker 1: done because of these struggles. And while they're valid and
Speaker 1: everything like that, that doesn't mean people aren't owed things
Speaker 1: which can then cause more stress, which thing can compound
Speaker 1: the issue. It's just it's a it's a thing. It's
Speaker 1: a thing people have to deal with. And I always
Speaker 1: tell people, you know where you can just try to
Speaker 1: be understanding and kind. And that's not to say, like, oh,
Speaker 1: telling you deal with the fact that I'm inconsistent. Feel
Speaker 1: free to point it out. I have no problem working
Speaker 1: with you giving some sort of extra piz reprioritizing things
Speaker 1: if it really is bothering someone, never be afraid to
Speaker 1: point out, be like, hey, you're not getting this done
Speaker 1: and I really need you to. I'm so understanding of that.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so that's where the inspiration came from. Today.
Speaker 1: Hate to be a Debbie downer. I know we'll be
Speaker 1: back to our regularly schedule old flirty content tomorrow, but
Speaker 1: I did want to do an audio that not only
Speaker 1: talked about my struggles, but in case someone else is
Speaker 1: dealing with something similar, like it can get better, and
Speaker 1: by better, my situation hasn't changed, but the people around
Speaker 1: me have and that's made it to where I can
Speaker 1: cope with it changing. So if you're struggling, and I
Speaker 1: know sometimes I feel like it's just never this is
Speaker 1: I don't understand how a human can have to live
Speaker 1: like this, and if whether or not it's fair, just
Speaker 1: know that if you get to that point too, I've
Speaker 1: been there and it can get better. And if you
Speaker 1: need resources, feel free to reach out to me. Anyways, Wow,
Speaker 1: she's babbling. I want to say we're closing it. On
Speaker 1: twenty five thousand subscribers, so I'm planning a twenty five
Speaker 1: hour live stream, but also in celebration of my one
Speaker 1: year anniversary, which will be February first. Ah my god,
Speaker 1: I don't know we'll make it. I don't know if
Speaker 1: we'll make it in time, but like, if we do,
Speaker 1: that'd be totally killer. Anyways, I love you guys, and
Speaker 1: I'll talk to you the next video. Bye,