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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, No, I figured we were gonna have to talk

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<v Speaker 1>about it at some point, at least not now. It's

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<v Speaker 1>as good a time as any, isn't it. No? All right,

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<v Speaker 1>so yeah, I have not maares, have not mares, and

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<v Speaker 1>they keep me up at night. And well know, you're right,

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<v Speaker 1>it didn't keep me up, but I didn't exactly go

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<v Speaker 1>to sleep. Sorry, I guess that wasn't that funny. No,

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<v Speaker 1>I have not maries, and I get locked inside of them. Rather,

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<v Speaker 1>it's the same one. There's some variations to it. You're

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<v Speaker 1>in there, but when I wake up, I still feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm in it for a few minutes. And that

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<v Speaker 1>was what you saw. Goodness. No, I didn't want to

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<v Speaker 1>wake up at your place. I didn't want to sleep

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<v Speaker 1>at your place. This is why we never moved in together.

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<v Speaker 1>Very few people know, and started telling a few other people.

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<v Speaker 1>But now I've lived with this forever a decade. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I guess under a decade. It's hard for me to

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<v Speaker 1>keep track of time, especially i'm su a particularly bad one. No,

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<v Speaker 1>they get worse whenever IM's stressed out. They get easier

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<v Speaker 1>when whenever there's something that's calming in my life. But

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<v Speaker 1>it's very rare I find anything that calms me at all,

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<v Speaker 1>or releast long term. But what Yeah, that's why I

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<v Speaker 1>don't particularly sleep a lot because I don't want to

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<v Speaker 1>see it again. So then I end up staying up

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<v Speaker 1>for days on end. Well, yes, I've taken medication. Yes

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<v Speaker 1>I've done sleep studies, I've tried to find comfort items.

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<v Speaker 1>I've done all kinds of crazy things and I still

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<v Speaker 1>have them. And I wake up screaming and then I

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<v Speaker 1>don't want to go back to sleep for a while.

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<v Speaker 1>And then you get your second wind, even though you

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<v Speaker 1>want to sleep, and then you get to the point

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<v Speaker 1>where you can sleep, but then you've got important stuff

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<v Speaker 1>you have to do, and then you go do this

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<v Speaker 1>stuff and you get your third wind. And it's a lot.

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<v Speaker 1>It's what I'm trying to say. It's a lot, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's not easy and there's no easy solution. Doctors are

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<v Speaker 1>working on it. It's just it is what it is.

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<v Speaker 1>And I understand if it's too much for you. No,

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<v Speaker 1>it's why I don't sleep near you. Have you ever

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<v Speaker 1>wondered why I never spend the night. I always leave

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<v Speaker 1>because I always have something I have to do. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>really think about it, like, it's why don't. I've never

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<v Speaker 1>kept long term roommates. Yeah, my sleep starts affecting you.

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<v Speaker 1>You see. That's so sweet of you to say, But

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<v Speaker 1>really think about it. If you're waking up every couple

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<v Speaker 1>of hours, you're not getting sleep. And then if you

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<v Speaker 1>try to comfort me back to sleep, you're getting even

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<v Speaker 1>less sleep. And yeah, you're helping me get sleep, But

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<v Speaker 1>do you realize that like every second or third day

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<v Speaker 1>I am actually you know what, I get so little

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<v Speaker 1>sleep that without drinking a drop of alcohol, without doing

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<v Speaker 1>any drugs, I can be considered inebriated. Like mentally, cognitively,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm considered inebriated. I'm kind of drunk, punch drunk. I

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<v Speaker 1>guess I don't know what you'd call it. But yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm always tired, I'm always sleepy, and I'm always slap

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<v Speaker 1>happy because of it. I'm not saying that I wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>be happy. I'm not Lord, That's not what I'm trying

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<v Speaker 1>to say at all. I'm not trying to say I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not happy. I'm perfectly happy. But here, look you see this, Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>it's my sleep study journal. I have legitimately been here.

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<v Speaker 1>Look well, no, I'm pulling it out of my drawer.

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<v Speaker 1>I have been studied so much. Do you sail thick?

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<v Speaker 1>This thing is? It has to have like a little

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<v Speaker 1>snap thing to hold it together. It's insane. It's insane

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<v Speaker 1>what I'm trying to say. So, yeah, back to you,

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<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't want anyone to live the way I do,

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<v Speaker 1>and to be around me while I'm sleeping is to

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<v Speaker 1>live the way I do, it will drive you crazy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's it's driven me crazy, It's driven me mad. Why

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<v Speaker 1>would I want to throw that on you? Exactly? I

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<v Speaker 1>wouldn't want you to live this way. So it's why

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<v Speaker 1>I've always disappeared, and it's why anytime I got anywhere

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<v Speaker 1>close to going to sleep, I dismissed myself. No, it's sweet,

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<v Speaker 1>it's sweet. But I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm baby.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you I don't want to live this way,

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<v Speaker 1>and I don't want you to have to live this way.

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<v Speaker 1>We can't be together like I can have my space

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<v Speaker 1>and you can have your space, and we can live happily,

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<v Speaker 1>live happily like this. What do you mean that's not

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<v Speaker 1>a relationship? What do you mean? No? No, no, no. You

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<v Speaker 1>can absolutely say that you want more, but a relationship

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<v Speaker 1>is defined by the people in it. If I'm happy

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<v Speaker 1>with this, then you could be happy with this. It

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<v Speaker 1>means we're still together, does it not? It means we

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<v Speaker 1>still love each other, doesn't it fine? No, it's fine,

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<v Speaker 1>it's absolutely fine. No, you can go your own way

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<v Speaker 1>and I can what. No, No, I thought you were

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<v Speaker 1>saying you wanted to break up if we couldn't. Oh, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that makes way more sense. No, I thought you were

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<v Speaker 1>saying you wanted to end it. If I there's no

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<v Speaker 1>possibility of me ever being around you. Really. No, everybody

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<v Speaker 1>walks away whenever I tell them this. Well, yeah, because

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<v Speaker 1>it just sounds like you're sounds like you're gonna have

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<v Speaker 1>to babysit me, or that you're gonna have to suffer

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<v Speaker 1>to be with me. I'm not an easy person to

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<v Speaker 1>try to date. You have to be with someone who

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<v Speaker 1>gets next to no sleep and is constantly babbling, and

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<v Speaker 1>the intrusive thoughts usually win because I'm too freaking tired

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<v Speaker 1>to fight them. No. Really, that has a huge part

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<v Speaker 1>to do with it. I can't fight my intrusive thoughts

101
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<v Speaker 1>because I'm too tired, and it affects my impulse control. Luckily,

102
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<v Speaker 1>my intrusive thoughts, are just doing silly things though. Oh yeah, no,

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<v Speaker 1>my best friend you've met her star? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

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<v Speaker 1>I wasn't sure. I mean, she's always around, but I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sure she's around when you were. Well, I'm not sure

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<v Speaker 1>of much of anything right now, I'm going on almost

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<v Speaker 1>two days if no sleep. Yeah. No. She always said

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<v Speaker 1>that it was a sign that I'm a good person,

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<v Speaker 1>that I have no impulse control, and yet my impulses

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<v Speaker 1>are to put googly eyes on cereal boxes. No, I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know how true that is, but oh it gives

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<v Speaker 1>me hope. I hope that I'm not some munster. Yeah. No,

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<v Speaker 1>I just didn't think this was going to go that well.

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<v Speaker 1>Though I'm not one hundred percent sure it has gone

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<v Speaker 1>all that well, but we'll see. Right, we're still here

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<v Speaker 1>in the morning. No, I never thought about that. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>that's possible. I guess we could do that. How would

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<v Speaker 1>that work? No, so I would still keep my own space. No,

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<v Speaker 1>that well, I mean, if I'm gonna be honest, it

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<v Speaker 1>just sends a little too kid to be true. Now interesting, No,

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<v Speaker 1>no worries, No worries. Okay, So what you're proposing is

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<v Speaker 1>I come over here once or twice a week on

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<v Speaker 1>a day that you have the next day off, so

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<v Speaker 1>that you can comfort me and maybe I can get

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<v Speaker 1>some actual sleep that night, and that'll make it to

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<v Speaker 1>where I have more sleep on average for the week.

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<v Speaker 1>But again, I would keep my own space so that

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<v Speaker 1>you would have yours and you could go sleep and

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<v Speaker 1>not actually have someone in the other room screaming. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>well no, that would honestly, that sound lovely. No, like impossibly.

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<v Speaker 1>So I wish my brain worked better so that I

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<v Speaker 1>could think of solutions like this. Mounted well, no, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>have to tell my sleep study specialist, but maybe, well,

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<v Speaker 1>any changes I make to my sleep they like to

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<v Speaker 1>know so that they can try and figure out what's

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<v Speaker 1>going on. I mean, the study also helps other people

137
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<v Speaker 1>suffering with cpatsd OH complex postumatic stress disorder. Yeah. I

138
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<v Speaker 1>had an incident happen when I was younger, and it

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<v Speaker 1>just keeps replaying. It's like my brain is stuck on

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<v Speaker 1>this memory and it's struggling to process it. I've been

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<v Speaker 1>in therapy. I've tried to move past it. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know what the words would be, but I've tried really hard.

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<v Speaker 1>And even though I can talk to you through my feelings.

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<v Speaker 1>I can tell you everything. It's like my brain just

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<v Speaker 1>hasn't my brain hasn't caught up to speed, so it

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<v Speaker 1>just keeps replaying it. Yeah, no, don't be sorry. Please, No,

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<v Speaker 1>the worst thing that you can tell someone suffering from

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<v Speaker 1>this stuff is that you're sorry. Yeah. We don't like

149
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<v Speaker 1>to feel pitied. We've dealt for it for so long. Honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>it makes us feel worse that we told you, and

151
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<v Speaker 1>now it feels like we're bringing you down with us. Yeah, no,

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<v Speaker 1>don't be sorry for saying your story. This is gonna

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<v Speaker 1>end up being an endlessly visit it. No, it doesn't

154
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<v Speaker 1>have to be all right now except you Jims. I'll

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<v Speaker 1>come over here and we'll see how it goes.

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<v Speaker 2>If it goes left, it goes left. If it works,

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<v Speaker 2>it works, and if it doesn't, we can just go

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<v Speaker 2>back to how we were before. You know, just having

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<v Speaker 2>you in my life, it's been it's been great.

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<v Speaker 1>And I don't mind continuing to deal with this if

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<v Speaker 1>it means that I still get to have you in

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<v Speaker 1>my laugh whatever capacity possible. All right, all right, I'll

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<v Speaker 1>go pack a bag. Hey, guys, seeing Alexander here. Sorry

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<v Speaker 1>that my voice is scratchy. I had a rough morning

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<v Speaker 1>emotionally literally around this topic. Woke up, honestly woke up screaming,

166
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<v Speaker 1>this is one hundred percent of tru story. Didn't even

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<v Speaker 1>Monster Girls skinify it like I usually do. I have

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<v Speaker 1>talked about it on Discord a little bit. The link

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<v Speaker 1>is in the description if you would like to join.

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<v Speaker 1>I have CPTSD and what that means is complex post

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<v Speaker 1>mac stress disorder. A part of the manifestation of mine

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<v Speaker 1>is I have nightmares that are an hallucinations. Whenever I've

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<v Speaker 1>gone a really long time without sleeping, I see someone

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<v Speaker 1>come into my room. It's the same person and or

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<v Speaker 1>I'll see them come near me it doesn't really matter

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<v Speaker 1>where I'm at, and they'll look just as reel as

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<v Speaker 1>if you walked up to me and shook my hand.

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<v Speaker 1>I can feel them, I can smell them. My brain

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<v Speaker 1>cannot tell the difference. I know the difference, but like

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<v Speaker 1>they're like there. If I've gone a really long time

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<v Speaker 1>without sleeping and can get that bad, that's rare, but

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<v Speaker 1>that is how bad it can get. Essentially, whenever I

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<v Speaker 1>go to sleep, I have the same reoccurring nightmare, which

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<v Speaker 1>is the memory of what happened, and it was bad,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm locked in it. I can't seem to get out.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been I've been through so many sleep studies, I've

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<v Speaker 1>done so many things. Please no advice. I'm working with

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<v Speaker 1>like professionals and everything, and it's one of the comforts

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<v Speaker 1>I get that working with professionals means that maybe maybe

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<v Speaker 1>one day, if I have to deal with this, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>what they find with me will help someone else one day.

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<v Speaker 1>So yeah, I wake up screaming, and the first couple

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<v Speaker 1>of minutes I legit think I'm still in even though

194
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<v Speaker 1>this has happened a billion times. My brain is telling

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<v Speaker 1>me it's still happening, and that is really difficult. So

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<v Speaker 1>not just to live with, but like imagine being someone

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<v Speaker 1>near that you can't really get sleep. That person is

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<v Speaker 1>not getting sleep, they're slowly going crazy. They don't sleep,

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<v Speaker 1>but every couple of days and just for a few

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<v Speaker 1>hours at a time. It's it's rough, and it's also

201
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<v Speaker 1>why a lot of my relationships have crumbolds, because it's

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<v Speaker 1>not an ideal life and it's just something that people

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<v Speaker 1>have to deal with. It's great, but I've had a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of people in my life that were willing to

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<v Speaker 1>be there for me whenever it gets particularly bad, like

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<v Speaker 1>when I get really stressed out it happened recently. It

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<v Speaker 1>it can, it can be, it can it can shut

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<v Speaker 1>a person down. It's actually why I'm not the most

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<v Speaker 1>consistent on this channel. I know it's m I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>trying to use an excuse, because that's also another reason

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<v Speaker 1>why a lot of people don't talk about the things

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<v Speaker 1>they struggle with is they never want to be seen

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<v Speaker 1>as using an excuse. It doesn't make it right. And

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<v Speaker 1>people will be like, oh, you don't have to load

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<v Speaker 1>on your channel, okay, But also Patreons and you guys

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<v Speaker 1>are literally supporting me on the Patreon paying money, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not getting stuff done that I should be getting

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<v Speaker 1>done because of these struggles. And while they're valid and

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<v Speaker 1>everything like that, that doesn't mean people aren't owed things

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<v Speaker 1>which can then cause more stress, which thing can compound

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<v Speaker 1>the issue. It's just it's a it's a thing. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a thing people have to deal with. And I always

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<v Speaker 1>tell people, you know where you can just try to

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<v Speaker 1>be understanding and kind. And that's not to say, like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>telling you deal with the fact that I'm inconsistent. Feel

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<v Speaker 1>free to point it out. I have no problem working

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<v Speaker 1>with you giving some sort of extra piz reprioritizing things

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<v Speaker 1>if it really is bothering someone, never be afraid to

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<v Speaker 1>point out, be like, hey, you're not getting this done

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<v Speaker 1>and I really need you to. I'm so understanding of that.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, so that's where the inspiration came from. Today.

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<v Speaker 1>Hate to be a Debbie downer. I know we'll be

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<v Speaker 1>back to our regularly schedule old flirty content tomorrow, but

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<v Speaker 1>I did want to do an audio that not only

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<v Speaker 1>talked about my struggles, but in case someone else is

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<v Speaker 1>dealing with something similar, like it can get better, and

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<v Speaker 1>by better, my situation hasn't changed, but the people around

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<v Speaker 1>me have and that's made it to where I can

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<v Speaker 1>cope with it changing. So if you're struggling, and I

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<v Speaker 1>know sometimes I feel like it's just never this is

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<v Speaker 1>I don't understand how a human can have to live

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<v Speaker 1>like this, and if whether or not it's fair, just

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<v Speaker 1>know that if you get to that point too, I've

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<v Speaker 1>been there and it can get better. And if you

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<v Speaker 1>need resources, feel free to reach out to me. Anyways, Wow,

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<v Speaker 1>she's babbling. I want to say we're closing it. On

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<v Speaker 1>twenty five thousand subscribers, so I'm planning a twenty five

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<v Speaker 1>hour live stream, but also in celebration of my one

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<v Speaker 1>year anniversary, which will be February first. Ah my god,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know we'll make it. I don't know if

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<v Speaker 1>we'll make it in time, but like, if we do,

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<v Speaker 1>that'd be totally killer. Anyways, I love you guys, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'll talk to you the next video. Bye,