Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, besties, Welcome to Monday. I
hope you guys had a great weekend. I missed you
so much. I hope everything is going amazing in your world.
If you're in Phoenix this weekend, I have shows the
seventeenth or the eighteenth and nineteenth at the Stand Up Live,
So please come see me because I'm doing a new
hour and I'm having a lot of fun with it.
I've been running around New York City and I think
these jokes are gonna be some of the best yet.
Are they a little raw? Yeah? Is my heart still
kind of on fire?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: But you know what, that's what makes the best comedy. Baby,
So come see me at Stand Up Live in Phoenix
on the eighteenth and nineteenth. See you there, besties. Also,
real quick, if you guys are not subscribed to my Patreon,
come subscribe to the patreon because the tea over there
is piping and I'm gonna catch you guys up on
my week over on the Patreon because we had a
really great episode this week with my friend Emma Willman,
and I want to hop right into that, so please
enjoy the episode Manifesting Manifesting, and we're manifesting. That's what
we're doing this year. What are you manifesting this year?
Speaker 3: You know, I haven't had a clearer like manifestation picture
in a while, and I need to get one. But
I have a fear about manifesting. Okay, I'd be curious
if you relate to this at all.
Speaker 2: So I've got a very vivid.
Speaker 3: Imagination, I think, okay, and sometimes I'll picture worst case
scenarios and then I get scared that I'm manifesting a
worst case scenario. So I just gotta not even be
manifesting because I'll start picturing something really good. But then
almost like an intrusive thought, I get this vision and
it's a very the negative vision is very clear, and
then I get scared. So I have kind of taken a.
Speaker 2: Break from manifesting.
Speaker 1: Sport mission. Yeah, I get that. I think one is
just anxiety and the other is manifesting.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, thank you. I need a new air fant.
Why hasn't she said that?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think manifesting is when you envisioned the big dream, right,
but the intrusive thoughts of you being like, no, your house,
your beautiful house with your wife is going to burn
into the.
Speaker 2: Crowd like, that's that's anxiety.
Speaker 1: That's anxiety.
Speaker 2: Well, my anxiety vision is very clear.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, So what is that?
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm drunk in Florida. Okay, hammered out of my mind.
That's sober too. So it's drunk in Florida. But I'm
not sober in this vision.
Speaker 1: I'm drunk in Florida.
Speaker 2: I'm at this like dive bar and I'm watching the TV.
Speaker 3: And I turned to the person next to me, who
doesn't give a fuck, and they're like, and I go.
Speaker 2: Oh, I could have been something.
Speaker 3: And then I just smashed my head into the into
the bar, and then I got.
Speaker 1: Cherries go flying everywhere, and.
Speaker 2: They're like, your card doesn't work, and I go, that's
my do you have a scar?
Speaker 1: You have no money, no.
Speaker 3: No money, no nothing, no friends in Florida for some
god knows reason, which I even.
Speaker 1: Like Florida watching cable TV. No, that's a dark day.
It's a dark day. And do you have actually saw
that exact thing happen to a very famous comedian. Really,
I was in South Carolina with my exes family and
we were at lunch and it was dead. There was
no one in there, it's this beach bar.
Speaker 2: Yes, no one in there.
Speaker 1: Except for us. And then I look at the bar
and I was like, I is that I'm gonna say
sleep it? Nick Sword said no, this was years ago,
and by himself, slouched over, red faced watching the TV
in the corner of the bar, just hammered, that's sad.
And I was like it was one of those moments
where like I had been newly sober at the time,
and I was like, Oh, that's like God showing me
what it can look like if you don't stop. Because
that is a wildly famous and successful person sitting alone
day drinking at a bar with nobody so talented.
Speaker 3: And also it's like talking about something of your own
design just there. It's like these outside things weren't me
making them happy, and there they are at the same
place as you. I had a similar thing where it
felt like a sign from the universe when I first
stopped drinking. I was in a relationship with someone and
we went to like their grandmother or grandmother had passed away,
so we went to the grandmother's house to clear stuff
out and she goes, my aunts are twins, and she
was like, one thing you should know about them. They
both went to rehab at the same time, and one
of them, when they got out of rehab, went to
an AA meeting and the other one went and got high.
The aunt that got high was the one that opened
the door, because it was like, whoa, it.
Speaker 1: Was just just a human tornado.
Speaker 2: Exactly chaos, just screaming, she's red, she's.
Speaker 1: Just got a fucking cigarette in her hair.
Speaker 2: Out of it.
Speaker 3: And then the sober one came with like coffees for
everybody and was to get and I remember, and I
was lying to that person. She didn't know that because
I was like back and forth with recovery. She didn't
know that I was thinking of getting sober more. And
so that was such like a like a yeah, I
guess I felt like a moment of clarity, like a
god shot.
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, totally.
Speaker 2: Were you always comfortable with the language of saying like God, okay, no, I.
Speaker 1: That was actually the thing that made me not want
to go to AA.
Speaker 3: Real because I appreciate that you say it, because in
New York City a lot of times people don't say,
oh I felt God and this more work, yeah, which
is fair.
Speaker 2: You know, we each have our activities.
Speaker 3: But I appreciate it when people feel comfortable enough with
their spirituality to use those.
Speaker 1: Yeah, at this point, I there's something bigger than me
at work, and it's easy to call it God. Yeah,
it's just easy. It's a shortcut. If you don't think
it's God, if you think it's the universe, if you
think it's a planet's, if you think it's Sadder's rings,
whatever you fucking think it is, I don't really care.
I'm calling it God totally because there's something greater at
play always.
Speaker 3: You know, it's like it's like the words were man made,
but we're trying to get something that's bigger than made
by humans. And for me, that placeholder feels like something
that rings true. So then I'll also say but I'll
say yeah, God, higher power, like whatever, yeah, whatever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what was one of your like rock bottoms.
Speaker 2: Oh God, oh my God, or even.
Speaker 1: Like something that should have been a rock bottom that
you didn't think was a rock bottom and you just
kept going.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: It's so recently I have I felt like I had
a rock bottom like.
Speaker 1: This podcast, like this podcast had a rough morning rock bottom.
Speaker 2: I had a what felt like a rock bottom the
other week.
Speaker 3: So it's like the first thing that comes to mind.
But that was more like a digestive rock bottom.
Speaker 2: But it was so bad.
Speaker 3: I feel like it kind of bumps out like problems
that I like ones, I would say rock bottom.
Speaker 2: Sobriety wise was like just I mean.
Speaker 3: When I look back at pictures of myself, I'm so unhappy,
so unhealthy.
Speaker 1: So did you get the chin bloat?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I did.
Speaker 1: Oh, I had horrible chin bloat, Like I don't even
have a is just alcohol is sitting right here like
a cambel.
Speaker 3: It's like a cambel tom for alcohol in case you
need to dip in your tequila right here pops into
your mouth, Thank god, thank god.
Speaker 2: Getting I did used to get that. Yeah, exactly where
are they going like this? Trying to get the last
help I had?
Speaker 3: That's so bad And I was just but it was
like so many things that they're connected, Like I had
no idea how to like regulate my nervous is, have
no idea how to deal with life?
Speaker 1: Did you figure that out?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: Here's what I was hoping.
Speaker 3: You know, no, But and I was trying back then too,
But it's like you don't know what you don't know?
So at least now I have some sense of like
clues and stuff. But no, no, no, no, but it's
but it's like, you know, I'm more grateful than I
ever was.
Speaker 2: Doesn't mean so I do feel like it.
Speaker 1: Does change everything. It does change, it changes everything, and
I hate it so much that it changes everything.
Speaker 2: Live gratitude.
Speaker 1: It's just blow my fucking brains out.
Speaker 2: I couldn't I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 3: How annoying is that that being hydrated, taken a freaking walk.
Speaker 1: Journaling, journaling, some sunshine, meditating, I'm out there rip Pausing
while agitated. Pausing while agitated has not been my strength
this year. I struggle, but my god, is it good
when I do it?
Speaker 2: But would you say that you're better at it than
you were in the past.
Speaker 1: Yeah, But this year has been a little bit of
This year's been a little bit of a slippery slope.
It's so because there's the instant gratification in the moment
of being like I'm fucking big dog, yes, and I'm
gonna tell you about yourself and fuck you. But there's
long term gratification in being calm, coal and collected, which
I mean, why do I need long term gratification? If
I don't want to be here long term.
Speaker 3: I hear you and I feel you, but also we
got to reroute that. But also then we're told to
keep things in the day. So it's like, how am
I supposed to play in long term and society twenty
four hours at a time.
Speaker 1: If right now it feels good to be big dogs.
Speaker 2: You don't have like an age, you want to live
towards like you don't have like a No.
Speaker 1: I mean, I went to a psychic the other day
and they told me horrible news, which is that I
have a long and healthy lifelife. Oh good, No, that's
horrible news. For really, I really thought I wasn't gonna
make it past thirty thirty thirty, and unfortunately I'm seven
years past the barometer.
Speaker 3: So when you but could you imagine being like eighty
and like no, But it's also.
Speaker 1: One thing that seems to my tits are already sagging
too much. You can fix that, No, we can't.
Speaker 2: You can fix it.
Speaker 1: What am I get to have a boob job at eighty?
If you if that's actually Jane Fonda looks.
Speaker 2: I was just gonna say, Jane Fonda does look great, Jane, but.
Speaker 1: She also was exercising twenty four to seven throughout her
entire Also.
Speaker 2: Are not Jane fond. This is true. This is true.
Speaker 1: It's a drug addict for fifteen years, damn.
Speaker 3: But there are ways now, like if like the fear
is like cosmetic stuff, there's stuff we can do, but
it's all really expensive.
Speaker 1: So that totally kind of like to make the money.
That's this, here's the thing, here's what's gonna happen. I'm
gonna do this entertainment thing until it sucks the will
to live out of my ass, which is right two
years from now, it's hard, and then I'm gonna go
to the woods or Sodona and I love Sadona, return
to the earth. I love Sadana, magic fucking energy, vortext
and I'll just like be a old Clay lady with
no work done and just tits down to my fucking knees.
Speaker 2: And I'm struck because I have a similar fantasy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I say it's it's so all or nothing
where it's like I'll be like I'm gonna do entertainment
and then say, in like four or five years, I'm
going off the grid.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going off the like an off the grid.
I mean like not, I'm gonna have a landline. I'm
gonna have a landline and if you're lucky, you get
that number. But you're probably not gonna be too lucky.
Speaker 2: It'll be so nice.
Speaker 1: There's gonna be four people with my phone number.
Speaker 3: Don't you think you get bored? You just pray all
day and cook in your kitchen and have a garden.
Speaker 2: I think it.
Speaker 1: I think humans. Here's the thing, and I know this
to be true because I go on this trip with
my dad every summer to Canada. We'll go off the grid.
There's no running water, no electricity. We fish for our food,
really and yeah, it's like a hardcore.
Speaker 2: Do you guys use spearfishing or no, neither.
Speaker 1: We jigfish jig you just drop a jig down, Oh yeah,
or you can lure. We troll for northerns, but they're
not really good to eat, so for you. But anyway,
what happens is for the first four days, For the
first four days, your body is riddled with anxiety because
you're not You're so used to the over stimulus, the
checking the phone, talking to people, getting the notifications that
this that that, So your brain has to rewire, and
I'm sure it takes more than four days, but my
experience on this trip is that it takes four days
and then you start to your body starts to calm down,
and you get on a sleep schedule with the sun
and like you allow yourself to pull yourself out of
the met and we've it's a myth, it's a rumor.
I've heard of the.
Speaker 2: I've heard of it. I believe, though I am a believer.
That makes sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, it's logical. But then the last three days
I never feel better the entire year. The last three
days of the trip are the best three days of
my entire year. Every year I go because I have
returned to how humans are supposed to exist, Like we're
not supposed to exist flooded with technology and terror and
fear mongering and you know, all the stimulus in the
street in the world, Like that's not how we're supposed
to exist. So I do think I would be bored
for probably a month. I would genuinely have to get
rid of my phone, yes, and then huge culprit there
and then I would have to still have purpose, yes,
Like I would have to be writing or creating or
being artistic in some capacity. I would still have to
have purpose because that's the thing that moves you forward
in life. But I don't think I would be bored.
Speaker 3: It's also the and boredom is such a weird word too,
because like I love having nothing, and boredom to me,
when I am scrolling, that's me. I hate using the
word board because it's like like, who are you? But
I that's me fighting. It's boredom. But it's like a
fear almost of where my mind will go when I'm
not just having these like constant inputs.
Speaker 2: But it's okay.
Speaker 3: When I don't do it, then I feel great and
there's a moment of panic and then I go, I
just kind of release it.
Speaker 2: But I mean, I'm I'm addicted to my phone.
Speaker 3: When you said you were going to do a thirty
day no social media, the first thing I did, and
we were texting about that. The first thing I did,
I went on social media almost cause I went three
days on social media, like I needed to hit the
reaction to that. So I'm really addicted. But I truly,
truly also believe that all of that. Our brains are
not made to filter a cat video asaiatic a video
and then like my algorithm now is like hunting down pedophiles.
Speaker 1: Yeah great, oh that's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's like because I had a video boo
boom pedophile mini pancakes like gets so much.
Speaker 1: Well, and I've taken substantial social media breaks like sixty
days really days. Yeah, like because I have a social
media girl that runs my stuff, then you don't have
to post. And when I was going through my divorce,
I was having a really tough time mentally and I
just was like, I need a break because it was
a weird time in my life where my career was
blowing up, like my clips were going and then my
personal life was a mess.
Speaker 2: Isn't that the way sometimes always? And yes, but it.
Speaker 1: Was just so painful for people to like judge me
my looks, my relationship whatever, on top of what I
was already going through. So I was like, I don't
need this. I got off. And then an interesting thing
happens when you're when you stop doing the let me
go look, because that will happen like six let me
go look, let me go look a lie, sixteen to
twenty times a day, let me go look, Yeah, me,
I need.
Speaker 3: To see how because people go, I say, I haven't
dike social media to go, Well, you have to work.
I go, that's not what I'm talking about. No, I
can post and get up. I have hired social media
people too. I'm still just addicted to it. Yeah, it's
let me go, let.
Speaker 2: Me go look, let me go look.
Speaker 1: And then also your life disappears because you look and
you're like, oh, I was on my phone for six hours.
Do the map? How many days that was this year? Like,
I'm like, we are giving our lives away to these things.
So when I have taken the breaks, I feel so
much better, so much more centered, so much more whatever.
And then I get back on it and it almost
feels foreign, like especially instagrams eating chemicals. Yeah, it's like
it's like alcohol actually, Like drinking alcohol can feel so
normal and needed and necessary when you're doing it, and
then when you stop for a while and you start again,
you taste the poison.
Speaker 2: Yes. Have you had it where you've accidentally taken a
sip of something? Yes?
Speaker 1: So when I was in Santrapez, I ordered this drink. No,
I ordered this drink. Yes, Like very recently, I ordered
this drink. They had a strawberry nine alcoholic drink on
the menu. Obviously there's a language barrier. So I said
to him, I was like, I want the Strawberry nine
alcoholic drink. And he was like what. I was like,
the strawberry no alcohol drink. I said, Like everyone at
the table heard me say no alcohol.
Speaker 2: No emphasis on the no alcohol, no alcohol.
Speaker 1: Three times, no matter of fact, three times. He comes,
he puts the drink down. I take a drink, drink
because I'm thirsty.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It was so we were there, We were there during
the heat wave. It was like ninety five degrees and
it was swallow, a gulp and a swallow, and it
was mescal, which is the worst liquor in the world. Like, yeah,
it's like that smoky tequila and like, I don't know
what it tastes like you mixed an ash tray with tequila.
And I'm just like, who is this even for? Like,
actually what you're talking about? Yeah, an avid drinker?
Speaker 2: Offended?
Speaker 1: I hate this.
Speaker 2: Yeah. One thing.
Speaker 1: And then it was so funny because one of the
girls that I was with, she's a lawyer, and she's like,
you know, we could make a really big deal out
of it that one of those around I love to
have a lawyer around. She's like, this is a really
big problem. Like you're sober. You said no alcohol three
times we all heard it.
Speaker 2: Did you freak?
Speaker 1: Were you like no, I just put it down and
I was like, there's alcohol in that. I needed the
other drink.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna like make a big deal out of it,
but like it was so disgusting to me that I
was like yes, Like afterwards, I was like.
Speaker 3: That's good you didn't because I have had it twice.
One time I didn't freak, but it was because I
was around. I was at this event and there was
a round and it was kind of that time was
a little less jarring because I there was a drink
that looked just like mine and I like just kind
of like grabbed it and I didn't do a big goal.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: The other time, I think I was.
Speaker 3: In Spain and I went to one of like a
prefixed menu and it was the dessert said something liqueur whatever,
and I was like how much liqueurs in this? And
they were like none, zero, it's cooked off. And I
was like great and there and I was like just
so just again, I was like I don't drink I
have an allergy. They're like none, zero, great, whatever, great
or great. So I take a bite of it, and
I don't know how much was in it, but the
flavor was pud and so it shocked me.
Speaker 2: So I take it. I do a bite and a
swallow and then I go ah, being like I'm not
I have a flare drum. I don't think I'm dramatic,
but I've heard that as feedback. So I do it.
Speaker 3: I go a and then now that I'm remembering it,
I go, that is alcoholic.
Speaker 2: That is alcoholic. That alcoholic. I go and they were
like someone ran over goes everything okay, and I go,
I have an allergy. I'd had that. Next thing, you know,
I'm gonna do.
Speaker 3: Crack in a dumpster was like, and I've like, I've
never done crack before, but it was just like where
my mind went.
Speaker 2: The night, but tonight's the night.
Speaker 1: But tonight's the night. The rum cake got us to
cracking a dumpster. Baby call the dude.
Speaker 2: I lost it and then I went.
Speaker 1: Up to be doing cracking a dumpster and I'm going
to fucking dude, A weird made me cracking it.
Speaker 3: They're like Jesus, and I ran in the bathroom. I
tried to make myself throw up and it couldn't.
Speaker 1: You are like drama.
Speaker 2: I was very dark. I was under that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, scared and scared that's the word, thank you. Yeah,
because I also like I had done the emphasis.
Speaker 2: I said how much hamache?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the that's the frustrating thing when you're like no, no, no,
and then they're like alcohol exactly.
Speaker 2: And then they got it drink and I was so yeah,
I was.
Speaker 1: Scared, but also I was scared. Also, I think European
cultures are so like la fare.
Speaker 3: The person came out and they go, oh, there's no
alcohol only amount. I don't know what accent I'm doing,
but it's like is it only an amount a child
would have? And I went oh, and I was like, well,
I'm a child with a drinking prop and they were
kind of like what. And then they comped the whole
thing and we were like okay because it was just
like a really it was a really fancy restaurant too.
So then after that, you know, no matter how if
some thing I'm wrong in any way like that, it
takes such that was a really nice customer service. Then
I love like kind of good customer service. Yeah, like
I was at a hotel room. I think this was
like maybe a year ago. I'm in bed, drinking coffee,
watching the TV. And it was the afternoon. I like
checked in. I'm like getting rid of the show, drinking
coffee in bed, and a I want to say, maybe
a thirteen year old girl unlocks it and opens the door.
Speaker 2: She looks at me. I look at her and I
go ho ho, And then she closes it and I
get up and I go.
Speaker 1: What the fuck was Yeah?
Speaker 2: So I called down.
Speaker 3: And I go, hey, I was like someone with a
key that was not worked. That was the key that worked.
Someone with a key that worked. That was a thirteen
year old girl. I said, God forbid.
Speaker 2: I was a seventy five year old man in here
jerking off.
Speaker 1: You're like, God forbid. My alter ego was up, which
is who I am on the inside.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, that was right where my mind.
Speaker 1: My friend Harvey was it here.
Speaker 2: God forbid. I was here with Harvey tried to a roll. Yeah,
you know he's doing He's jerking off all over the place.
I said, God forbid.
Speaker 3: You know I was some you know, a Satanist was
in here doing a Satanic ritual.
Speaker 2: We don't know. Anything could be happening, and.
Speaker 1: I could be doing a blood ritual right now, you
don't know, make a baby's blood all over the wall.
And now this girl's life is fucked up forever because
I'm a bad person.
Speaker 2: I was way too much true crime.
Speaker 1: I wasn't way too much true crime.
Speaker 2: For bid.
Speaker 1: I'm splitting a baby's throat.
Speaker 2: That's where my brain goes because I'm like, I'm in
Rendingking coffee. But you know what I mean, Like people are.
Speaker 1: Crazy, not me, No, no, people are brain And.
Speaker 2: They go, oh, We're so sorry, miss woman. Would you like,
do you like coffee?
Speaker 1: And then you want a coffee?
Speaker 3: I said, yeah, I do, and they said, well, we'll
have a fresh pot of coffee for you in the morning,
and any any other coffees.
Speaker 2: You have tonight are on us. I said, thank you
so much. So it just takes a little bit of
customer service.
Speaker 1: So that pick of coffee cuts it on that one.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 3: That's what someone el said. The said you should ask
for more. Yeah, but it's like it was so quick
that and I was I.
Speaker 1: Never really wanted a coffee.
Speaker 3: I didn't want more coffe. But that is a big one,
like having someone just open open the door, and it
was like a Hilton.
Speaker 1: That's happened to me before I went Resorts World in
Vegas and my friend Claudia got there before I got there,
and Claudia like got in and set everything up, and
then just like a fucking bachelorette party, came in and
was like, it's crazy to stay have the key, and
I was just like, what in the sam Hill's going
on in.
Speaker 2: The same hell. That's part of why you get a
hote that you get go to a hotel.
Speaker 3: Because you're like, how are you're not going to suck
it up? How is that not popping up in the computer?
Speaker 1: Yeah. This episode of Talking spitt is brought to you
by Berber Hair Oil. Berber hair Oil is my bitch Lover.
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Britt Britt at Burber dot com for fifteen percent off
your first order and enjoy. And if you guys are
loving that product, dammy, because I love it so much
and I just want us all to be on the
same journey together. Also, one other announcement. If you guys
have been doing an artists Way with me, I know
we're taking a two week break. I'm sorry, let's call
it summer break. We're gonna come back next week. I promise,
I promise, I promise. I frankly. Oh, my vocabulary app
popped up. My vocabulary app. You guys will do word
of the Week right now, just because it just popped up. Also,
some of you guys on the Patreon have been kicking
my ass and scrabble and that's really hurting my feelings.
I'm gonna get into that more on the Patreon, but
right now, let's do Word of the Week because a
lot of people are like, you need to bring it back?
Is your stupid?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: I can't. Of course. It's a word I can't even say.
Ab negation, denial to confront, denial of Jesus am I okay, No,
I'm not okay. Abnegation, denial of comfort to oneself, abnegationbnegation, abnegation, abnegation.
We remix it like a DJ abnegation abnegation, Yeah, boone
boone a gift or a blessing. I like that one
omniscient knowing everything, the opposite of me. I don't know shit.
All right, you guys, I hope you enjoy this episode.
I love you so much and join the Patreon because
I'm telling you the tea and I'm gonna be honest,
it's fucking It's not scalding, but it's like way above
room tentph this week. Okay, love you bye.
Speaker 2: Do you like Vegas because I love Vegas.
Speaker 4: I hate Vegas really, but I have been ill many
times because I used to live in La a lot
and I did like a lot of ho shit, okay,
and then I also did like it's not even that,
it's just like I've done it to the absolute zenith,
Like I have been in the Penthouse on Mollie with
you know the people like doing the thing.
Speaker 1: I have done.
Speaker 3: Vegas, Vegas to the Mac And also I could imagine
that type of place that vibe when you're doing that
version of Vegas.
Speaker 2: It's so fake because Vegas is already so fake. Yeah,
it's so fake. So if you're doing that, it's just
like so artificial.
Speaker 1: But I've done like every version of it because I've
also been back sober, I haven't done it. Like my
ex was a gambling atdict, so we went a few
times and like, I just I don't like losing money.
I don't like casino culture. I don't really love the shows.
I just don't really care. I just don't think it's
a city for me. I'm I'm at the place with
Vegas now. I will not go back unless I'm getting paid.
Speaker 2: So my Vegas experience is like so alternate.
Speaker 3: That's what I was picturing, right, So I'm like, oh,
I don't like Vegas, Like I don't know about this,
so I get there. When was the first time I
went to Vegas. I think it was the commedy seller
as a room in Vegas.
Speaker 1: Okay, they did, they did. I did their last and.
Speaker 3: They still have that room. They still have a room
in Vegas. They've got a hole.
Speaker 1: It was okay, I didn't there. There's another club that
was a shoot off of something. Maybe it was Comedy Works.
Speaker 2: Was it that there? Or the laugh At There was
some other one.
Speaker 1: There was another one that closed down. I did the
last night there, so I should know, yes, but I
don't remember.
Speaker 2: I know what you're talking.
Speaker 1: I thought that was the Seller, but I guess it's not.
Speaker 2: That was was that at the Tropicana?
Speaker 1: It was an old Vegas. Oh, I am not.
Speaker 2: Who's to say, it's none of our business. Anyway, I
went and I remember it was like August.
Speaker 3: It was such dry heat. But it was like I
don't know what who I was with or what it prompt.
This is the other thing besides my memory is just bad.
I gotta take more fishal, I gotta do something. Yeah,
But it was like I remember going out into the
desert and it was just so I love like the
dry heat. I love the desert. They had all because
there's so many UFC fighters there. The health and wellness
stuff there is so advanced. So I'm doing like biohacking,
hyperbaric oxygen therapy. I'm doing red light therapy. I was
doing like I think I got botox while I was there.
You can do so many advanced health things. And I
love a deal you even I'll spend so much more
if you tell me I'm getting a deal than you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Or a point you go. Oh, if you do this treatment,
you get points. It's like, give me some points, give
me some point, some points. So I would go to Vegas.
Speaker 1: I'll never be back, but I want a punch card
that I can hold with me until the day I die.
When I die, put my punch cards in the fucking
urn with me. Don't cremate them, don't don't touch those
punch cards.
Speaker 2: I might come back and I want those punch cards.
Give me where is my card?
Speaker 3: My first thought upon awakening. And I'd never actually cashed
in a punch card. We've got, I've got them all
over the apartment because I'll go to the massage places
and like I did the feet in the back plates
of punch it. Yeah, and then I just want that car.
I love credit. I love points and credit EI. There's
a knowledgement, knowledgement, Yes, customer serve whole puncher.
Speaker 2: That's a good idea. It's a really good idea.
Speaker 3: The place I get coffee out every almost every morning
because it gets me to like just get out and
get son of my eyes. They don't do punch cards,
but I should like start bringing one in real passive
aggressive and go just for keeping track of myself.
Speaker 2: Click.
Speaker 1: How's that like a door guy?
Speaker 2: You didn't drink coffee for a very long time.
Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing. I've been, like, like everything in
my life, I go on and off. I had a
whole year off of caffeine and then.
Speaker 3: I I did six months and I felt very good.
Speaker 1: It's great, I felt very good. Thing Ever, this better sleep.
I had a coffee two weeks ago and somebody in
my comment said it sounded like I snorted a vibance
and then also did maths. And you can't snort vibance.
Just yeah, and you shouldn't and you shouldn't. It'll burn,
it'll burn, and it won't work.
Speaker 2: It'll burn and it won't work.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So you can get at at all, not to
police someone's math exactly.
Speaker 2: You can start.
Speaker 3: We've got a whole list that We've got a power
point in the back of the things that you can
snort but vibance literally not to promote snorty stuff in
any way, but they really truly will not work.
Speaker 2: And I did. I prescribed it. I did.
Speaker 3: I do think I tried it like years ago. Yeah,
but yeah it does nothing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't snort it, snort it. So anyway, I
didn't do that. But they're like, you sound like, take
a breath. You sound crazy, and I was like, you're right,
I do sound crazy. And then this morning, just because
I had a really rough night sleep and I had
to take some sleeping pills, which I haven't been doing,
especially since I got back from Europe because I like
the jet leg was like, just got me back on schedule.
But I had a rough one and I was like,
if I don't have a little bit of coffee, So
I did half caffeine, half decaf. I have my little
espresso one hundred. Yeah it's like a half half and half.
But it's still going to fuck my sleep up tonight.
Speaker 2: So it helps me concentrate, is the thing.
Speaker 1: And but you have ADHD on you, Yeah, so I
don't have an excuse I might have. Well, yeah, it
just gives me like energy. But then I'm like kind
of like a little fruit fly and like energy to
do what and I have so many things to do,
but there's nothing I want to do with this energy.
I'm like, this energy is special, and I hear it
has to go to spiral.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: I just I think circle the drain and circle the
drain on something that's been done.
Speaker 2: I feel like existential dread hits more in New York
a little bit because we're around so many people. So
then it like pushes you almost like I when I'm
in New York City, I feel more like I'm safeguarding
my energy, and then that makes me almost be more
in my thoughts than when I'm anywhere else, if that
makes any sense at all, because there's so many people around.
So then I'm kind of like I retreat to to
you have.
Speaker 1: To do some protective spell.
Speaker 2: Protective spell. Serious, you gotta.
Speaker 1: Do witchcraft here, because there is.
Speaker 2: Some I've never done witchclass.
Speaker 1: I get very.
Speaker 2: Scared of the dark arts.
Speaker 1: Okay, well it's not that dark. Okay, I'm just it's
actually not dark at all. Witchcraft was the wrong word
for it. But like I do like like an energy
protection love that prayer every morning I love that where
it's I'm a believer. Yeah, it crystals, Yeah, praying to
the arch angels to like ward off any bad energies,
bad spirits, anything that comes my way. If anyone's sending
me bad g returned to sender, Yes, and like, may
my my day be filled with love and light Amen,
like that kind of love that Yeah.
Speaker 3: Because that type of intention. I think that then it
just like breeds more of that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And that is a great way to start your day
versus going on the.
Speaker 1: Phone, which I have been for well this morning I
also fucked up, but for like a week, I was
putting my phone in the other room. I'm in a studio,
but like in the kitchen, And it's so much better
if you can wake up with your thoughts they might
be crazy stone. That is a journal, go to the bathroom,
do your little supplements whatever. If you can go on
a walk and then get to the phone. I have
not done the walk portion of it, but like it
really changes your day if you don't immediately, like I
was so activated this morning and I wanted.
Speaker 2: To like it is exactly the word. Yeah, I think
you do it. You see something. Yeah, Oh I'm up now.
Speaker 1: And now I'm not up in a good way. I'm
fucking angry. My demons are up. We gotta get them dressed.
They're going to work. My demons need to put.
Speaker 3: On They're ready to go because they're like.
Speaker 1: Doing fucking pull ups, chin ups.
Speaker 2: They haven't been called on, so this is their big moments.
Speaker 1: They've been in prison, they've been doing prison exercises.
Speaker 2: They've been in they're ready to Yeah, they gotta get out.
Speaker 1: And now me and my demons are up and I'm like, hey,
I gotta get them ready for the day.
Speaker 2: But they're like, we've been waiting for you to let it.
Speaker 3: If that's what it feels like sometimes, because I'll feel
a little bit like of a comfort when if I
do go back to scrolling because I didn't, and it
almost feels like I used to feel this, not necessarily
with drinking, but I used to growing up.
Speaker 2: I was a big binge eater.
Speaker 3: I would say my first thing that I used to
comfort myself was definitely food sugar, which is fairly very
common with add people like dope mean seeking. But I
remember like when I wouldn't do it, but I would
just be like white knuckling it. Then when I would
do it again. It would be like.
Speaker 2: Yes, like we're fucking we're fucking back. We're back, like
you tried and it didn't, but I'm still here for you.
And I just remember, like I remember it really clearly, actually,
because I remember after my parents got divorce, my dad
would kind of like get we would have all these
foods my mom wouldn't have happen, and I remember, I
don't know, of course you remember remember skippy peanut butter.
Speaker 1: Still of course, yeah.
Speaker 3: I used to put my hand in the jar late
at night, and I remember being like, I'm back.
Speaker 1: The bitch is bad. The bitch is covered in peanut butter,
which is viscous and hard to get off your hands.
But I don't even know if that's the right word.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I've never heard that word, but it feels right.
Speaker 1: It's viscous, it's hard to get off your hands, like
it's you gotta really.
Speaker 3: And it's clumped up in your throat, and I remember
being like, can't, can't breathe. I'm this is how I'm
gonna die, just like like Elvis, Like Elvis just shakes.
Speaker 1: The free had a banana in there for some potastic
eating a banana it was a banana peanut butter sandwich.
You're kidding, banana peanut butter sandwich on the That's hilarious.
I knew he was on the toylet, but that's so funny.
Speaker 2: He did. He cut up the freaking bananas and make
himself a little sandwich.
Speaker 1: Came he came so hard. Yeah, no, banana peanut. What
her sandwich is?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 3: Very I did not, but there was I remember being like, yeah, like,
we're back, and I feel like if you start your
day with the scrolling, it's like we're we're it's the.
Speaker 1: Comfort, but like the thing that's back is is the
lack of control.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like.
Speaker 1: We're back in a really bad way.
Speaker 2: We're back and it's bad.
Speaker 1: We're back in it.
Speaker 2: Then you have a baseline to compare it to, which
is such a beautiful thing. We're going. Oh, but that's
not how I am all the time.
Speaker 3: Now, So now I know I have something that's not
just my constant state.
Speaker 2: It's like there was this book I was reading.
Speaker 3: It was called it was like something had to unfuck
your brain or something I should get that if I
get yourself?
Speaker 2: Was that it?
Speaker 1: There was a there was a book title I think
called unfuck yourself. Yes, I forget if it was like
there was unfucking the title the.
Speaker 3: Title, but it was just talking like this neuroscience stuff
that you hear a lot where it's like you were
not your thoughts, like separate yourself from the emotion. But
that made me be like, Okay, I am not this.
I am not the person. I am not the person
reacting all these things like I'm the person observing it
and I.
Speaker 1: Can choose not to.
Speaker 3: But with social media stuff, I don't know how you
are with like comments if I go and look on
my YouTube and see comments like great great.
Speaker 2: Great, like I love ha heart hear heart. But then
if someone if I go to jail for anything, it's
gonna be pushing it too far in a comment.
Speaker 3: Finally, and that is really embarrassing. That's really like, that's
that's human.
Speaker 1: I'm forty because we're wounded, right and when anyone causes
us additional pain, sure we want to hurt them more
than they hurt us.
Speaker 3: And I feel so because I'm like, who are you
to comment and assume something out of context?
Speaker 2: They are me because I do that too, It's.
Speaker 1: Totally and I do that on the internet, who's bored
with their life commenting on a stranger's post, like their
life is way more bleak than your life. Like if
they want to sit around and comment nasty shit like
go off Nancy and fucking Oconomo, let me have it.
Speaker 2: I don't know you.
Speaker 3: I don't know if you are, I don't know what
you're going through, and like me saying like, how can
you like whatever the thing was. I posted this video
of my friend talking about how she used to put
p's on the TV so it would cool down so
her mom would know that they were watching TV. She
was talking about it, she was eight, and she's like,
my mom was a teacher and she should come back
from working.
Speaker 2: To do that.
Speaker 3: And then people were commenting things about her mom. So,
because now I'm a little bit trained robic, don't respond
or something. Someone was like your mom, like clearly her mom.
Speaker 2: Was like a like a dumb bitch or something.
Speaker 3: And I was at this, it's like nine a m.
So I see that in my eyes pop right up. Yeah,
But I go her mother, who she says is a teacher.
I was like, how can you make that assumption about that?
And then I go, you monster, like that and then
I post it, and then I go on to the
next one.
Speaker 1: But then it's like, the return on investment isn't so high,
not so hot, but not so hot. Here's the thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, if we're looking at your portfolio, Yeah, so what's
the return on investment on that?
Speaker 1: You get nothing except for the rage that it holds
in your brain all day, knowing that you stooped to
the level of a fucking loser of someone I don't
even know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I got kicked off of TikTok.
Speaker 3: I think I got I think it was like a year,
and I was so pleased with my This was this
was such an embarrassing one.
Speaker 2: It was like someone commented something about how I looked.
Speaker 3: Right, whatever, it's TikTok. I'm putting myself out there. Sure,
it was like two am. Whatever, I'm making excises to
what I'm.
Speaker 1: About to go. Yeah. So, but two am is an
hour where your brain chemistry has changed.
Speaker 2: It's alter vulnerable.
Speaker 1: According to the circadian rhythm, you should be asleep.
Speaker 2: I should have been asleep my circadian eyes. It was
a moment of weakness.
Speaker 3: I go to this person's page and I start commenting
on how they look yeah.
Speaker 1: So here's the thing. A losing battle.
Speaker 2: This is a one, it's a losing battle. Two what
are you? It was? I don't know how old is.
And here's the other thing.
Speaker 3: You know, I think so much a beauty comes from
within and there's an energy vibration and like I'm big
into vibes, right, And this was like a younger guy.
So and if someone had said this about someone, like
if we were just walking by and someone said this
about them, I'd be like, what's your problem? But because
he had done something meat whatever, I ripped him apart.
And okay, I don't know how to say this. It
was an easy thing to rip apart based on you know,
he had five four heads okay maybe fIF fifteen to
twenty And if and if someone else does that is
a beautiful I'd never want a body shame anybody, And.
Speaker 1: Which is something he's been getting his whole life. Yes,
so you hit him right on the head, you hit
him square, and so I was going for the stomach,
but it was right there.
Speaker 3: But I started going on his thing, making fun of
him and all this, and then I got shadow band
and my girlfriend was like, you work so hard on
building because there was like six months where I was
really selling tickets for TikTok. She was like, you spent
so much time and you work so hard in this,
and I was like.
Speaker 2: I don't care. I'm sick of people saying this and that.
Speaker 3: And then I think it was like nine months later.
I had this general meeting with someone from TikTok and
I mentioned I was like, I've actually been shadow band.
Speaker 2: And she was like, oh, like why and I was
like and.
Speaker 3: Then I told her what I said and she was like,
that'll do it, and I was like I deserved it, yeah,
and that I had to be like when I looked
back at it, and I had this friend of mine, Andrew,
he hit me up. He was like, hey, I don't
know how I came across his threat. He was like,
I saw this person commented on your thing, and whatever reason,
I clicked on his thing and he like screen grabbed.
He was like, this person has like one comment from.
Speaker 2: His mom and then there's you under it, just boom,
and he was like this is bad.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he's my friend. But I was so embarrassed
that even he saw that. Yeah, and he was kind
of like lol, and I was.
Speaker 2: Reeling in. It's embarrassing. It doesn't look good. Low bite.
Speaker 1: It's a that's a but you know what, we can't
always be high vibes. And yes, here's what I'm saying.
Like everyone's like to take the high road. I get
dizzy up there. Sometimes I get vertigo. I don't want
to be on the high road.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be on the high road. I
just don't. It's get nosebleeds up here. I gotta get
down off the horse. Yeah, let me get in the
fucking mud for a second. Let me get shadowy and
let me ruined my own career to the high road.
Speaker 2: That's a good one. That's a good one. Did you
read that's air? Is that an original one? That's a
good one. That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, that's funny.
Speaker 3: I get dizzy on the high it is getting the
nose up here, Like.
Speaker 1: I just everyone's like, rise above it, rise above it.
I'm like, I kind of feel like, did you ever
see that clip of Cardi B when she's doing like
this healing hell, Yeah, she's like, well push push him
well in hell.
Speaker 2: I love Cardi B.
Speaker 1: I love her, and I feel like she's so g
you were so real with how like stick it to him?
Fuck yeah she is. And I'm like, I actually don't
think she feels bad about it, because like, you know
what we were just saying, like we were like stick
it to him, and then we feel bad afterwards. I
don't think. I think CARDI just fucking.
Speaker 2: Because if you can do that, I mean, well, I.
Speaker 1: Think her life has just set her up to be
that kind of person, right, where like she's had so
much shit.
Speaker 3: Hardened, hardened and perspective on it and you know, one
another thing. I think it's like and I mean I
can't speak for her, but it's like I think once
you have kids, that's like instant perspective too, because you're
like I don't have the time. I mean maybe I
have the times to comment and say these things, but
then it's like you don't necessarily have the same amount
of time to dwell. I babysat for two days last week,
and it's changed my help person. Yeah, because I'm like,
when you have kids, you're.
Speaker 1: Like kids you don't have to have to rupidate about
the past.
Speaker 3: I literally for those two days because I had never
I have a two nieces and a nephew, and I
was watching the three year old for let's say six
hours on Monday and five hours, and I've never spent
that much time with a three year old alone, and
it's like I was like, oh my god, one, I mean,
I'm so amazed. I'm so impressed my parents and it's
such an amazing thing to do. But that's like instant perspective.
So she's got three kids, yea, four kids, so it's like,
you're not gonna be sick, So we need to have kids.
I have a little bit, tiny bit been thinking about it,
but also so scared.
Speaker 2: Of that too.
Speaker 1: No, like it's obviously terrifying, but like I guess we've
tried everything else to get out of our heads. What
could go wrong? So this is actually actually my dad, Yeah,
I need a baby.
Speaker 2: Could ever go wrong? I was thinking of getting a
baby that fixed me.
Speaker 3: A lot of people do it, they do, and I
would not want to do it for that reason.
Speaker 2: No, of course, for sure, this losing.
Speaker 1: No, I was talking to my dad about this. So
my dad and my mom went through like a hell
fire acid bath of a divorce with my years, like
it was so.
Speaker 3: Seven years, so much guardian atletem. Yes, like I had
all these like appointed things.
Speaker 1: You had to go to court and like stand trial,
and like I was never ended up going did you
go into court? I went into court and they put
me on the stand and then someone and I'm so sorry,
someone interfered. They're like, I'm so sorry. They're like, this
child cannot be that's terrible.
Speaker 3: They ended up we never got to that point where
we went into court to testify. But it was like
just an insane legal battle. But I know for me
with my parents, they were doing it at each other.
I mean, it's nothing to do with that's.
Speaker 1: With the kids.
Speaker 2: I mean eight years old. That is so you're a baby.
Speaker 3: You're literally a baby trying to then process and understand adults.
Speaker 2: And I feel like that.
Speaker 3: Made me see the complexities of people from such a
young age, because I was like, how can someone be
like my dad who I love so much and do
such wonderful things too, but then also be terrible in
the same regard.
Speaker 2: And that doesn't mean they're all good or all bad.
Speaker 3: But it's like from a young age because to be
put on even potentially on the stand at eight years
old and then you need to like trust these people,
and yeah.
Speaker 1: No, it was bad. I mean, it's it made me
learn quickly how people operate, though, because I was like,
my mom was like bribing me to testify against my dad.
It was like this like wicked, manipulative thing. But anyway,
the point of that is, like when I was talking
to my dad about, you know, I struggle with depression
and like the loneliness whatever we all struggle with, and
I have this passion that I'm working toward, but it
does not take up all the hours of my day.
I was talking to my dad and he's like, you know,
if you would have just had a kid, you want
to have time to think about all this. He's like,
because when I was going through that fucking horrible divorce
and he like lost all of his houses and didn't
have a place to live, he was literally like squatting
in one of my mom's speck houses, sleeping enough close. Yeah,
she took them to the fucking cleaners. But he's like,
I didn't even have time to be depressed because I
had to figure out how to survive and and you
have to take care of the kids. And I'm like,
that's why. And I don't think it's necessarily a good thing,
but I think That's why our parents' generation never dealt
with their own shit because they all had kids so young.
And when you have kids, you just have to focus
on the kids if you're a good parent.
Speaker 3: People are having kids later and later and later and later,
especially in cities like New York or like the urban
like people are having you know, we're defying medicals. I
mean it's truly because like when I go back to
like I'm from a small town and may went back
in main Like, sure, there's people I went to high
school with that probably had kids at like twenty three
twenty four to twenty five.
Speaker 2: Me at twenty three, twenty four, twenty five, I.
Speaker 1: Was asked bag of coke. Like I was not on
the I was not on the high road. I was
on the back roads with the drug.
Speaker 3: I was on the back roads, seriously serious, like and
I had no cons And when I look back and
I'm like twenty three to me, that is so it's
almost like any age that's like at least six years
younger than me.
Speaker 2: Now I'm like, oh, you're a baby brain for baby
a suberber.
Speaker 3: Because it's truly fec Yeah, they're like I cann't wait
for what you're coming to me for advice about something.
Speaker 2: I'm a paralegal, and.
Speaker 3: You're like, wowuck, but it's like I just had no
I couldn't. But now, I mean, for okay, I have
thought of I don't know, because I wouldn't be ready
to have I wouldn't even know how to feel like
necessarily ready to have kids.
Speaker 2: Is this something you seriously are considering?
Speaker 1: Maybe no, okay, I mean I froze my eggs.
Speaker 2: Good for you.
Speaker 1: And then you know it's like I got, I got divorced,
I was single for three years. I was in a
relationship for a year where it was like it was
a conversation but one of like down the road, you know,
like when we're both ready, and he wouldn't have been
ready for a while, and I also, you know, I
just I didn't really see it with him, and and
I think, you know, I just and now it's just
not a priority, like I just got I got billed
for my eggs. You get build annually a thousand dollars
to freeze them, and I'm like.
Speaker 2: Oh, these old things do I want to keeping?
Speaker 1: Exactly? I'm like, you just want to throw them in
the fucking trash, Like I want to keep them because
I want to keep the option open and who knows.
But like I do think women are fertile into their forties.
I think it's kind of like a lie of science
that you're not.
Speaker 3: I think it's almost like worst case scenario. Yeah, my
mom had me, I think at forty two.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think naturally too.
Speaker 2: Naturally yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So it's like it's kind of a little bit
of a lie of science. There are definitely women who
fall into the category of like, unfortunately they're right in
thirty six and they can't have a kid, and that's
like so fucking heartbreaking because usually those are the ones
that want them the most.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: And I also think in order to be a parent,
you should, like, you know, how some people are born
and they're like I was born to be a.
Speaker 3: Mom totally, and I'm I'm like, what a blessing to
have that clarity. Yeah, and I genuinely have that me neither,
like I kind of about anything almost actually, no.
Speaker 1: Like when I was like playing with dolls and like
that my sister's dolls would have like a family. Mine
was like a single Barbie doll in like a fucking penthouse,
just fucking.
Speaker 2: Ken you're like having it to work.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what it is. Yeah, yeah, just
saying send fucking stream cheap to go, get me a
pack of barb lights, give me some bar blights.
Speaker 2: My barbies, and like ken dolls like have sex too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My parents would be like stop, stop bagging them together,
and then.
Speaker 1: You're just and then you just grabbed two barbi Yeah.
Speaker 3: And they're like wait a minute, wait a minute on
the wall. I kind of remember actually doing stuff like that.
What if we played house.
Speaker 1: Well, I think there's just something angry about dolls in general,
to do things to them that you're like, I don't know,
there's some sort of weird experimentation that kids have with
dolls that's like a little probably should oh. Yeah.
Speaker 3: That made me think if I remember my dad like
at some benefit thing, he like bet on this like
China doll, and it was life like for me at
the time because I was like a kid, But I
remember I would like gole kiss it, which is so weird,
Like I remember I like sneaks up like kind of
like kiss this China doll. I hope that that's hidden
away that thing. Yeah, And I would like it's kind
of it's grow. It's weird, it's really but I remember
being like really young and doing that. But my sister
always knew she wanted to have kids. Yeah, she was
always like, I want to have kids. And now she's
got three kids, and I'm like, do.
Speaker 1: You have how is it? Did you ask her?
Speaker 2: Having three kids is tough?
Speaker 1: Too many? It's about too it's about it's about three
too many.
Speaker 3: When they had the other one, I noticed that seemed
to just make them so tired. Yeah, yeah, but they're
happy to but yeah, of course, talk about having no
time to I mean, it's like it's you also.
Speaker 1: You just don't get time to yourself until they're out
of the house, and then that's your times. They don't
leave the.
Speaker 3: House, and sometimes the don't leave the house. Sometimes they
don't leave the house, they stay in the house. Then
they do leave in the house and they hate you.
Speaker 1: And then or they stay in the house, they leave
and then they fucking come back.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: That was never an option. My dad was like, you
have to go good bye.
Speaker 3: My mom would have let me continue to go back
to her, like I lived at her.
Speaker 2: She's a condo and Cambridge. No, but she was gone
a lot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it it uh, it babied me because it
was kind of like I had access to this really
cool condo and I use that for like years, Like
it would be like, wow, I was in college and
she would always be gone and I would have people
over to my mom. Yeah, and I would have like
little parties there and it was really fun and it
was like this really great condo. But then as I
was turning like twenty four to twenty five, people started
being like, who's where's your mom?
Speaker 2: Yeah, people started being.
Speaker 1: Like like I killed her for the class exactly.
Speaker 2: Tied up. But it made me the basement. My poor mom.
Speaker 3: She's she's a real character of a human being, but
she would be just let me have access to it,
and I could have stayed back.
Speaker 1: I mean yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's different than her
being there, you know. True. True, it's the one thing
if you have multiple properties and you let of kids.
Speaker 2: And I did live with her growing up. I live
with my dad.
Speaker 3: So the way they did their custody was I live
with my dad, my sister lived with my mom, and
then my brother lived with his mom. So my sister
and I are not close like we were complete, which
I know in retrospect is not normal and maybe not
a healthy way to do things. But it was one
hundred percent about them being mad at each other. I
get one with then you can get one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. Yeah, Okay, I have a new segment on
the podcast that I'm so excited to do with you.
It's called What's wrong with You? And I want to
hear a few different perspectives of what you think is
wrong with you, what your therapist would say is wrong
with you, and then what your friends are loved ones
would say it okay with you. So start wherever you want.
Speaker 2: I think what my therapist, Barbara would say.
Speaker 1: Barbara, Babs, let's get on that phone, Babs.
Speaker 2: I really like her. She's seventy six.
Speaker 1: Oh that's a good age. She's a therapist. Although I know, well,
don't get too attached.
Speaker 2: Well so she didn't.
Speaker 3: She she's seventy six. She didn't build me for a
year and I was like, Barbara, you need to build me.
I was like, you have to build me, please. Yeah,
and she's seventy six. I'm not making this up. Her friend,
I swear her name was Dolores did her billing and
she passed away ripy So she says, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I wish her well, We wish her well.
Speaker 3: She says, I don't know how to do the building.
Dlorus is dead. What am I gonna say that? I said,
oh my god, I'm so sorry. No, you never have
to build me again. But then cut to she bills
me for a full year.
Speaker 1: Right, that's that's a nightmare. It was like three grand more.
Speaker 3: So now I'm like in a tizzy. I'm stressed about it.
So that's like damper therapy a little bit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but I think what she would.
Speaker 3: Say, Well, that's the thing because also she's like get
away away.
Speaker 1: So I couldn't help but be like, can we do
a payment plan?
Speaker 2: Can we do a playment pan?
Speaker 1: She has health problems, but Klarna do a little Klarina.
Clarina is like, you know how when you're going to
check out on things now, if you can't afford the
whole thing, you literally can do like lay away. It's
a horrible really, it's a horrible thing. Okay, the Middle
America is sinking themselves into well it's yeah, it's tax
and it's like you can pay four hundred dollars now, yeah,
you can pay twenty dollars for the next twelve months.
It's it's not good.
Speaker 2: How they get you.
Speaker 1: That's how they get you.
Speaker 3: Get what Babs say is right. So what Babs would
say is I fixate and obsessed about the wrong things.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: So for example, like it would be for a long
time I was like really ruminating on I need to
be I would have the same It doesn't necessarily matter
what the problem is. But if it's a problem that
you don't take any action about, it goes Okay, is
this about this actual thing or are you just comfortable
beating yourself up about the same thing. So instead of
writing or listening to recordings or doing something I need
to do for my professional career, organizing my mailing list, whatever,
instead of that, I'll become very hyper fixated on wellness stuff.
That's what it's been recently. So she's like, you aren't
just doing an average amount of wellness suff You're obsessed
with all of these things, and like, what is that feeling?
So I would say, she would say, my focus is
on the wrong.
Speaker 1: Things, Okay.
Speaker 2: What I would say my problems are, well, well, I
have stomach problems pmdd TMJ and ADHD and I'm thinking
they're connected. I don't know what now, but I think
something's miss nervous system wise.
Speaker 1: Pm d D is a hell I wish on no one.
And I had that before I got my UTI. You
not my UTI, oh before I got back, before I
got no IUD.
Speaker 3: So I got one too and fixed me. And I'm
so grateful. Yes, I can't believe it because.
Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, I was for seven days a
month like I'm gonna blow my brains. I'm gonna blowin out.
I'm gonna blow my brains out. I hate myself. Everyone
hates it's me. I'm not good at my job. Everyone
but like the meanest thing.
Speaker 3: And it's so hard to pinpoint because I remember getting
extremely depressed and then I go, I just I have depression,
and then I remember it took me so many years
to start like actually tracking it where I'm like, wait
a minute.
Speaker 1: This is it's like very severe at a certain time
of the month.
Speaker 3: Very severe, and then you get your period and it's
like within a day you feel better. And I was
not clock in that, and so then when I did,
I remember being like, oh my, this is me.
Speaker 2: And then a lot of people haven't heard about it.
Speaker 1: The thing. They're like women's health.
Speaker 3: You get depressed around your period and you're like, this
is because it would be life altering.
Speaker 2: It's life altering.
Speaker 3: I felt like I would like undo progress I made
in those seven days every month.
Speaker 1: So I think, so explain how you think they're all connected.
Speaker 2: I think it's some type of nervous system problem. Okay,
I haven't figured it out yet.
Speaker 1: Of course, but obviously.
Speaker 3: Obviously I wish I But I also think another one
of my problems is maybe these problems have then made
me a little bit.
Speaker 2: Of a hypochondriac. Uh huh, because I'm like tracking everything.
I have a life alert now, Brittany.
Speaker 1: Oh it's I. I got a DNR? Was it? Do
Not Resuscitate? Are you serious?
Speaker 2: Really?
Speaker 1: When I was super depressed, I got a DNR, Oh
my god, which are like literally for elderly people bought
it and I was like, I should just wear that.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's that's actually really funny.
Speaker 1: It's funny. It's fun I'm just like choking.
Speaker 3: Slightly waving it around. You trip and You're like, do
not that I've never heard. I didn't even know you
could have those. This one is supposed to like you
scan it and it just like connects to my palmenogy.
But so I think that I have become a little
bit of a hypochondriac. I'd say I'm also neurotic. I
think I have a rejection sensitivity ADHD and I have
a hard time with them. Oh and sometimes I can
be awkward. I don't think so, but my girlfriends pointed
out she thinks that I can be a little awkward
in what way she says in social settings because she's like,
you're around comedians and the people in recovery all the time,
and you're not hanging out with enough normal people anymore.
And she's like, and I think that that's make it.
So in some party situations you're awkward. And I'm like,
I swear to god, I used to not be awkward.
Speaker 1: And you're like, I swear to god, I'm fucking cool and.
Speaker 3: Parties and I got close personality in high school and
she goes, you bring that up to weight.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's so funny. I was like the most hated
person in my high school, really hated most.
Speaker 2: But I went to Tin High School in Royal, Maine.
Speaker 1: It was like I went to a tiny high school too,
and every why because I was hot, and their boyfriend
wanted to exactly they were fucking.
Speaker 2: Versus me, who on the other end, I'm closeted.
Speaker 1: Like silly, so little zany going up. So I was like, but.
Speaker 2: Lexi's like, you bring that up way too much for
someone that's like a well adjusted adult.
Speaker 1: Up the high school thing. Yeah, yeah, you do have
to bring that up. It's like my ex step mom,
who was like a raging alcoholic. She would always say,
you know, I lost prom queen by one vote and
I voted for the other girl, And I was like,
for you, Si. Also, you're like trying to validate how
cool you are and then also tell people like what
a good person you are. But like, it doesn't it's
not even a real story.
Speaker 3: I don't want Yeah, I think you just think you
just yes, I think you lost problems totally.
Speaker 1: I don't think you lost my one vote voted for
the other.
Speaker 3: Would you know they're not gonna like yeah, but I
would say those are what I think my problems are,
and then what I would say loved ones would say,
I would say, probably.
Speaker 2: Like a follow through thing. I just have like a
really clear thing of my mom being like, you know,
you're very sweet, but you don't always say you don't
always do what you say you're gonna do, And that's true.
Speaker 1: And that come up for you in relationships also were
like you say and you mean well, but then you
just can't follow through on the actions you know.
Speaker 3: Now it doesn't really but I think definitely. But also
with relationships, I feel like your relationships most like your
romantic relationships, and I guess friends want to most clearly
reflect your relationship with yourself. So where the worst of
me would come out usually would actually be romantic relationships
in that I would put on such a show at
the beginning to try to win someone over, but I
never even I didn't know myself well enough to know
who I was, what I wanted, or if we were
even a good fit. So then I would spend so
much time doing that that then it would crash and
burn because I wasn't honest in the beginning. And I
had been in some relationships with some great people and
then also someones that I mean, who am I to
say who's great and not great? But my experience weren't great.
But it's like I was with some wonderful people that
I was terrible to and I do still feel really bad,
but I try to look back at that as like
you were a sick person. Yeah yeah, what's that sound learning?
And you're learning is you're a sick person. Who's you
weren't You're not a bad person. You're a sick person
trying to get well. If you heard that one, sure,
I remember someone said that once and I went.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like that one, but that one because it
excuses all my bad exactly, I will say against have
you put on your bracelet?
Speaker 2: I am sick?
Speaker 1: Can you add that on there?
Speaker 2: I was thinking, literally, you scan it just.
Speaker 1: Comes up bad person persis, I was.
Speaker 3: I was thinking I should put hypochondriac on it, and
just as like a joke, just in case, because what
I have in here, bronchias, is a lung thing that
is not threatening at all. So it's like, I don't
even know what they would do with that in They're
just like okay, okay, sure, just like I say my
zodiac sie, but I would say, those are what people
say about me?
Speaker 2: Have you already said yours? No?
Speaker 1: It's a brand news Okay, we just started today. God,
what isn't wrong with me? What would I say is
wrong with me? I b OCD thinking, which is a
hell I wish on no one.
Speaker 2: So that's so interesting.
Speaker 3: Because I don't, but I it's I actually get along
really well with people that do, and I wonder why
that is.
Speaker 2: That's and people have been friends with and stuff.
Speaker 1: You might be a good companion for us because you,
you or ADHD distracts us. Oh that's so interesting because
like we would like to talk about the same thing
over and over again and like just beat it into
the fucking ground. And you're like you when I have
conversations with you, halfway through a conversation, you'll jump to
a different topic that you just got inspired by, and
then I'll go with you, and then you'll go somewhere else.
Speaker 2: Oh I appreciate that because I don't realize I'm doing it.
So I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, I like it because you just
like you jump in and then you're like, oh no,
I like that, and then I follow that and then
I go there and then I completely forgot that I
wanted to talk about something that was like damaging my soul?
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: I know what you mean. So OCD, you'd be like
you just be like on a loop.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's tough. It's a hamster wheel.
Speaker 2: It's kind of the opposite of add in a lot
of ways.
Speaker 1: It's a it's a hell I wish on no one.
And it's interesting too because like it really shows up
for me in rumination. Yeah, Like when I'll get out
of a situation, whether it's a job or a relationship
or whatever it is, I can get out of the
situation and then I all, you know how like sometimes
in the beginning of a relationship you have like rose
colored Of course I don't have those ever. In the relationship.
I always see everything very clearly for what it is.
But then when I get out of the relationship or
when I get out of that job, I look back
and I like make it into a fairy tale that
it never was. Which is why journaling for me is
so important, because I can look back and be like,
day by day, like I hate this job and sucking
the will to live out of my body. I hate
being on the road. I hate this man. I hate
I'm not getting I don't hate anyone or anything. It's
just exactly you know what I mean, Like, I'm not
getting along with this person. I don't like the way
this person's acting. And I'll do it with friendships too,
where I get out of the friendship and I'm like, oh,
were they that bad? You know? Did I have to
cut them off? Did I have to do that? And
like I'll look back and then I'll just go on
like and then I'll just go like information seeking about
like how now their life is so much better without
me in it?
Speaker 2: And that's tricky.
Speaker 3: It's just like a documenting what you're feeling in the moment,
so you can't romanticize.
Speaker 2: It does sound positive, it's great.
Speaker 1: I mean I was looking at my journals yesterday and
I was like, oh, I'm good, that's.
Speaker 2: Good, you know what I mean, I think a lot.
Speaker 3: I think that that's I mean, I know it's it's
definitely different for someone with OCD because it's going to
be more pronounced to an extreme, but I do know
there it's like part of the human condition where you
look back on stuff and you the romanticizing it, and
I think there's a word for that, but it's like
some cognition thing where then it's like it gets really tricky.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it gets very like yeah, it just is
like you lose sight of the truth and like, that's
why it's so important that I've had the same therapists
for ten years, because she can remind me how I
was in the moment, how I felt. The therapists, the journals,
all of those things are really important that too, You're right, yeah,
And then the other thing that's wrong with me is
when people do me wrong. I speak about it truthfully
and publicly, and they get very hurt and offended by that.
And it's tough for me because I'm like, if you
don't want me to talk shit about you, then don't
do horrible shit.
Speaker 2: Mike. Taylor Swift said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: I like act she I'm really starting to understand Taylor
Swift in her like villain era total like when she
was just like, I guess I'm the fucking problem, because
that's how I feel. I was like, I guess I'm
the fucking problem. If like, I'm all you guys can
talk about even though you guys fucked me over, you
did this to me, you did that to me, I
talked about it, So now I'm the problem.
Speaker 3: I think it's a balance because we'll see that's tough too,
because it's like, maybe maybe gets tricky if someone doesn't
have a platform then to respond on.
Speaker 2: So there's the power and balance. So that's tricky.
Speaker 3: But also then that's kind of like we're zooming in
here because it's like, right, but then I created this,
So if that's something you really want to do, you
could create that too. And would you say, you're I'm
an external processor? You an external process?
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: It means like you process things like through speaking them out.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah. And I also think like it's the
podcast makes it tough, right because like every week it's
about my life, and I'm just like, well, this is
what's going on in my life. And I like I'm
also the world's worst liar. So if I were to
try and be like everything's fine, he he he. If
you said that, oh my god, I would record it.
Speaker 2: All of a sudden, you do that, I go, oh yeah,
wait a minute.
Speaker 1: You're like, she's in a full fledged lawsuit.
Speaker 2: Everything's good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm just like he he, I mean, you've
listened to the podcast, you know what. I'm like, this
is the worst.
Speaker 2: It's all bad life. That's what helps you people like relate.
Speaker 1: To stuff, right, And I'm just like, I also don't
want to be a dishonest person.
Speaker 3: I feel like you're cruel. Obviously I'm biased, like by
a sort, but but I don't ever feel like you're
I've been cruel.
Speaker 1: I've been ruthless, is what I've I've been ruthless with
the truth. Yeah, And that's the thing.
Speaker 3: It's like, that's different from being ruthless with something that
you want to be the truth, right, and so you're like,
this would serve my narrative better, So then I'm gonna
be ruthless.
Speaker 2: That's different.
Speaker 1: Now I'm ruthless with the truth. But people have done
some up ship to me, right, and they've caught wind
of me talking shit about it, and that's that is
something that's wrong with me and something I do have
to look at because if I want people in my life, yeah,
I have to knock it off.
Speaker 3: And the balance of everybody makes mistakes, so it's like, okay,
we have to figure out what's the amount what is
And I think it's a lot of learning just using
nastaatements like when you have when I think back on like, okay,
adults that wrong me as a kid. So then maybe
I'm hyper vigilant about if I sense that that's happening again.
I'm like, oh no, I got to get away from that.
But then the balance of being like, wait, but everyone
makes mistakes. What's in a And you learn that so
much in like relationships and friendships and be like, okay,
there's gonna be We're all going to have our stuff.
Speaker 2: So what am I willing? What right?
Speaker 1: And it's also like in my adult relationships and friendships,
I have made mistakes exactly what people were to go
on their fucking podcast and be like she did da
da da. Here's the thing about when I make mistakes,
I know pretty quickly, and I apologize very quickly, and
I take accountability. I think if any of the people
that had wronged me in just this calendar year had
taken any calendar alone, this calendar year alone, if anyone
had taken any responsibility, I would have been a lot chiller.
Speaker 3: I'm telling I self awareness and an apology to me,
I can pretty much forgive.
Speaker 1: Anything.
Speaker 3: I mean literally, yeah literally if someone goes head, you
know what reason I did this was? You know when
I was a kid, Yeah, you know whatever, got a
real apology, yeah, almost to a fault, but like truly
so same that same an apology is worth more than.
Speaker 1: Anything to me.
Speaker 3: Is it really a fault then that that you do
that or is it just I just I just think
it's a negative. It's called hattern and good.
Speaker 1: It's it's causing more spiritual heart. I see it because
it's like I'm like, it's that thing we were talking
about earlier where I'm like, I got ya, right, you know,
I got ya and I'm telling the truth and I'm
d d DA. But I'm just like, to what end?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like, I don't want to be alone in
a corner.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's really tough.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's tough because there's gotta be a balance with that,
because it is an important thing to do too, to
stand up for yourself. Yeah, but I guess, but I
see exactly what you mean, because it's like.
Speaker 1: There's a balance.
Speaker 2: There's a balance.
Speaker 1: There's a balance, and the balance is me just getting lawyers.
I'll just get the lawyers. I'll let the lawyers handle
everything and I don't need to say a fucking.
Speaker 2: Word off set it to them. Yeah, and then not
I guess, and then trusting them.
Speaker 3: It's not micro because that's a tough thing when you
have to fight so hard to speak for yourself too
then being like having people speak on your behalf.
Speaker 2: That's a truth.
Speaker 3: That's like something that's like an exercise, you know when
you work, start working with like you know people in
your life and they're speaking for you, being like, I'm
gonna trust you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna trust you. I'm gonna trust you to do
your job. What my therapist would say is wrong with
me is clinical depression?
Speaker 2: Really?
Speaker 3: Do you think that if I always wondered this, Like
I know I felt depressed when I was a kid,
but it's like that would make a lot of sense.
Speaker 2: There's it was just chaos. But I also do think
I have I know by like clinical depression runs in
my family too. Do you think do you think.
Speaker 1: Yours is biological or socialized or bio do you think
if I think it's a combination of everything. But I
think it really showed up when I quit drinking, because
when I was drinking, I was almadic totally was working totally,
And so it's interesting it's a family disease. Yes, the
alcoholism is a family disease, and so is the depression.
And I you know, I don't want to speak too
much on this because it's someone else the situation. But
I was home recently in a family member was really
struggling and they had just quit drinking a year ago,
and I was like, this is a family disease, and
like this depression is why we engage in the disease
as hard as we do. So you taking a step
back from the alcohol is fine, but now you have
to look at the parts of you that were injured
enough to drink yourself into a blackout every week.
Speaker 2: Exactly.
Speaker 3: It's not the drinking, it's the thinking that it is
like such a thing where you're like, oh, when you
get down to like the what's called they call in
the community, like causes and conditions, and you go, damn true,
and depression is it is no joke because there's I
used to be like so set on when I would
be depressed, I would get so I think I would
be so it was so hard I was kicking and
screaming to admit that I had like a clinical depression,
because I would say, and it would especially be around
the PMDD help me realize it.
Speaker 2: It was very like clockwork. But I would go, when
I'm depressed, you know the shit's going now When he
says when I'm depressed. I see things clearly.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Oh, this depression is allowing me to see that this
is a dumpster fire and that's not working out. And
it's like, right, but it shouldn't be debilitating, right, it
should be everyone feels sad. But then, like you know,
you're f you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't
have clinical depression, and you see how they feel when
they're sad versus how I would react to it if I.
Speaker 2: Was in a depressive state. Right, it's just remembering to
take those goddamn will beutrin pills.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: Oh, lexipro.
Speaker 1: I'm tight trading down on the lexapro right now.
Speaker 2: And I used to take that a while ago. Is
that anxiety or depression?
Speaker 1: It's both? Okay, okay, but it's I'm tight trading down.
Speaker 2: Oh I think I saw you say something about that
you could go down to five milligrams. Yeah, yes, yes, But.
Speaker 1: My god, I've never had one of the side effects,
which is crazy, is horrible anxiety and it only lasts
for two weeks. But it's like I feel like I
have anxiety shooting out of my fingertips. It's like going
up the back of my Eyeah, Like it's the worst.
It's one of the worst side effects I've ever heard.
Speaker 2: You trade down, that's what it is. Yeah, that's scary.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just my body was used to the ten milligrams.
So that's another sign of how sensitive I was to
the drug, because like, ten milligrams is technically the entry
level dose, and I was on five milligrams for a
year and it was working. I went up to ten
when I moved upon Beach in my life got very
child unging. And then I was only in Palm Beach
for three months and I thought I could come right
back down. And it's been like dizziness and like anxiety
and insomnia, and I'm like, oh, this is no buena.
Speaker 3: What these pills actually do too? Cause I had I've
been on Zola for like twenty years. Yeah, and then
I forgot to take it. I was like, I just
won't get it refilled, and then I can't not fine,
I know, and then I but then it made me
be like damn it. When I went on this stuff,
I had no idea how powerful these things were. But
also I went on it for a reason.
Speaker 1: And yeah, and it worked, and it does work. Works.
That's one thing. It's like, I guess it works like
I for me, I don't see a version of myself
getting off of it completely. I want to stay on
it because I remember myself before it and I was
in a dark place, like a very dark place, so.
Speaker 2: A clinical depression.
Speaker 3: I wish they would have kind of a way to
reframe it where it's like, it's not something wrong. I
guess it is something wrong, but it's like it's not
something you can help.
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, I mean it. That is how it's framed.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It can't help it. It's right, it's a chemical lack
of serotonin in the brain. It's like another thing that
causes you know, another disease that's caused by that is
like Parkinson's.
Speaker 2: Nobody's like, you know, I didn't know that about it.
Speaker 3: That's interesting to walk right off off off this fucking
guy Parkinson's runs in my family.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that.
Speaker 1: Really. Yeah, so it's it's maybe it's lack of serotonin.
Speaker 3: Or do interesting check that same with twitchy leg because
I used to get twitchy leg and then when I
started at night, my leg wrestless.
Speaker 2: Thank you something.
Speaker 3: Call it the cool version, the nerd version, is like
a twitching legs. When I said my zo up, then
that just went away and they said, oh, yes, it's
because the serotonin and dopamine regulation.
Speaker 1: And all that thing. Yeah, okay, well you've been amazing.
Do you want to tell everyone?
Speaker 2: Yes? Please? I'm on Instagram, Instagram, Instagram, act on that Instagram.
You know about that one? You don't know about that one.
Speaker 1: It's in good Instagram Instagram.
Speaker 2: I wish how refreshly would that be? Please? Everything's like
in big fonts like fun. I'm on Instagram at Emma Wilman, amazing.
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you. Thank you for having me,
Thanks for coming
Speaker 2: To m