Speaker 1: The pipe by anonymous Randolph Crescent n W. My dear Pew,
I hope you will like the pipe which I send
with this. It is rather a curious example of a
certain school of Indian carving, and as a present from yours,
jruly Joseph Tress. It was really very handsome of Tress.
Very handsome, the more especially as I was aware that
to give presents was not exactly in Tress's line. The
truth is that when I saw what manner of pipe
it was, I was amazed. It was contained in a
sandalwood box, which was itself with some remarkable specimens of carving.
I used the word remarkable advisedly, because although the workmanship
was undoubtedly in its way artistic, the result could not
be described as beautiful. The carver had thought proper to
ornament the box with some of the ugliest figures I
remember to have seen. They appeared to me to be devils,
or perhaps they were intended to represent deity, appertaining to
some mythological system with which, thank goodness, I am unacquainted.
The pipe itself was worthy of the case in which
it was contained. It was of Mersham, with an amber mouthpiece.
It was rather too large for ordinary smoking. But then,
of course one doesn't smoke a pipe like that. There
are pipes in my collection which I should as soon
think of smoking as I should have eating. Ask a
China maniac to let you have afternoon tea out of
his old chelsea, and you will learn some home truths
as to the durability of human friendships. The glory of
the pipe, as Tress had suggested, lay in its carving.
Not that I claimed that it was beautiful, any more
than I make such a claim for the carving on
the box. But as Tress said in his note, it
was curious. The stem and the bowl were quite plain,
But on the edge of the bull was perched to
some kind of lizard. I told myself it was an
octopus when I first saw it, but I have since
had reason to believe that it was some almost unique
memory of the lizard tribe. The creature was represented as
climbing over the edge of the bowl down toward to
the stem, and its legs or feelers or tentacula, or
whatever the things are called, where, if I may use
a vulgarism, sprawling about all over the place. For instance,
two or three of them were twined about the bowl.
Two or three of them were twisted round the stem,
and one, a particularly horrible one, was uplifted in the air,
so that if you put the pipe in your mouth,
the thing was pointing straight at your nose. Not the
least agreeable feature about the creature was that it was
hideously lifelike. It appeared to have been carved in amber,
but some coloring matter must have been introduced, for inside
the amber. The creature was of a peculiarly ghastly green.
The more I examined the pipe, the more amazed I
was at Trest's generosity. He and I are rival collectors.
I'm not going to say in so many words that
his collection of pipes contains nothing but rubbish, because as
a matter of fact, he has two or three rather
decent specimens. But to compare his collection to mine would
be absurd. Tress is conscious of this, and he resents it.
He resents it to such an extent that he has
been known, at least on one occasion to declare that
one single pipe of his I believe he alluded to
the brum again relic preposterously attributed to Sir Walter Raleigh,
was worth the whole of my collection put together. Although
I have forgotten this, as I hope I always shall
forgive remarks made when envious passions get the better of
our nobler nature, even of a Joseph Truss, it is
not to be supposed that I have forgotten it. He
was therefore not at all the sort of person from
whom I expected to receive a present, and such a present.
I do not believe that he himself had a finer
pipe in his collection, and to have given it to
me I had misjudged the man. I wondered where he
had got it from. I had seen his pipes, I
knew them off by heart, and some nice trumper he
has among them, too, But I had never seen that
by me before. The more I looked at it, the
more my amazement grew. The beast perched upon the edge
of the bowl was so lifelike. Its two beadlike eyes
seemed to gleam at me with positively human intelligence. The
pipe fascinated it to such an extent that I actually
resolved to smoke it. I filled it with perik. Ordinarily
I used bird's eye, But on those very rare occasions
on which I use a specimen, I smoked perique. I
let it up with a small sensation of excitement. As
I did so, I kept my eyes perforce fixed upon
the beast. The beast pointed its upraised tentacle directly at
me as I inhaled the pungent tobacco. That that tentacle
impressed me with a feeling of actual uncanniness. It was
broad daylight, and I was smoking in front of the window.
Yet to such an extent was I affected that it
seemed to me that the tentacle was not only vibrating, which,
owing to the peculiarity of its position, was quite within
the range of probability, but actually moving, elongating, stretching forward,
that is, farther towards me and toward the tip of
my nose. So impressed was I by this idea, that
I took the pipe out of my mouth and minutely
examined the beast. Really, the delusion was excusable, So cunningly
had the artist wrought that he succeeded in producing a
creature which such was as its uncanniness I could only
hope had no original in nature. Replacing the pipe between
my lips, I took several whiffs. Never had smoking had
such an effect on me. Before either the pipe or
the creature on it exercised some singular fascination, I seemed,
without an instant's warning, to be passing into some land
of dreams. I saw the beast, which was perched upon
the bowl, writhe and twist. I saw it lift itself
bodily from the Meresham Feeling better now, I looked up.
Joseph Chress was speaking, What's the matter? Have I been ill?
You appear to have been in some kind of swoon.
Trest's tone was peculiar, even a little dry swoon. I
never was guilty of such a thing in my life,
nor was I until I smoked that pipe. I sat up.
The act of sitting up bade me conscious of the
fact that I had been lying down, conscious too, that
I was feeling more than a little dazed. It seemed
as though I was waking out of some strange lethargic sleep,
a kind of feeling which I have read of and
heard about, but never before experienced. Where am I? Ye're
on the couch in your own room. You were on
the floor, but I thought it would be better to
pick you up and place you on the couch. Though
no one performed the same kind office to me. When
I was on the floor again, Tress's tone was distinctly dry.
How came you here, Ah, that's the question. He rubbed
his chin, a habit of his which has annoyed me
more than once before. Or do you think you're sufficiently
recovered to enable you to understand a simple explanation. I
stared at him, amazed. He went on stroking his chin.
The truth is that when I sent you the pipe,
I made a slight omission. And omission I omitted to
advise you not to smoke it. And why because well,
I have reason to believe the thing is drugged, drugged
or poisoned poison. I was wide awake enough. Then I
jumped off the couch with a celerity which proved it.
It is this way I became its owner, in rather
a singular manner. He paused as if for me to
make a remark, but I was silent. It is not
often that I smoke a specimen. But for some reason
I did smoke this. I commenced to smoke it. That
is how long I continued to smoke it is more
than I can say. It had on me the same
peculiar effect which it appears to have had on you.
When I recovered consciousness, I was lying on the floor,
on the floor, on the floor, and about as uncomfortable
a position as you can easily conceive. I was lying
face down, ruth with my legs bent under me. I
was never so surprised in my life as when I
found myself where I was. At first, I supposed that
I had had a stroke, But by degrees it dawned
upon me. I didn't feel as though I had had
a stroke. Dress, by the way, has been an army surgeon.
I was conscious of distinct nausea. Looking about, I saw
the pipe with me. It had fallen on the floor.
I took it for granted, considering the delicacy of the carving,
that the fall had broken it. But when I picked
it up, I found it quite uninjured. While I was
examining it, a thought flashed to my brain. Might it
not be answerable for what had happened to me? Suppose,
for instance, it was drugged. I had heard of such things. Besides,
in my case were present all the symptoms of drug poisoning.
Though what drug had been used I couldn't in the
least conceive. I resolved that I would give the pipe
another trial, on yourself or on another party, meaning me,
on myself, my dear phew, on myself. At that point
of my investigations, I had not begun to think of you.
I lit it up and had another smoke. With what result, well,
that depends on the standpoint from which you regard the
whole thing. From one point of view, the result was
wholly satisfactory. I proved that the thing was drugged, and more,
did you have another fall? I did, and something else besides.
On that account, I presume you resolved to pass the
treasure on to me, partly on that account and partly
on another. On my word, I appreciate your generosity. You
might have labeled the thing as poison exactly, But then
you must remember how often you have told told me
that you never smoke your specimens. That was no reason
why you shouldn't have given me a hint that the
thing was more dangerous than dynamite. That did occur to
me afterwards. Therefore, I called the supply the slight omission.
Slight omission you call it. I wonder what you have
called it if you had found me dead, if I
had known that you intended smoking it, I should not
have been at all surprised if I had, really, Tress,
I appreciate your kindness more and more. Where is this
example of your splendid benevolence. Have you pocketed it, regretting
your laps in the unaccustomed paths of generosity? Or is
it smashed to atoms? Neither the one nor the other.
You will find the pipe upon the table. I neither
desire its restoration, nor is it in any way injured.
It is merely an expression of personal opinion when I
say that I don't believe that it could be injured.
Of course, having discovered its deleterious properties, you will want
to smoke it again. You will therefore be able to
enjoy the consciousness of being the possessor of what I
honestly believe to be the most remarkable pipe in existence.
Good day, Peugh. He was gone before I could say
a word. I immediately concluded from the precipitancy of his
flight that the pipe was injured. But when I subjected
it to close examination, I could discover no signs of damage.
While I was still eyeing it with jealous scrutiny, the
door reopened and Tress came in again. By the way, Peugh.
There's one thing I might mention, especially as I know
it won't make any difference to you. That depends on
what it is. If you have changed your mind and
want the pipe back again, I tell you frankly that
it won't, and my opinion, a thing once given is
given for good. Quite so I don't want it back again.
You may make your mind easy on that point. I
merely wanted to tell you why I gave it to you.
You have told me that already, only partly, my dear pew,
only partly. You don't suppose I should have given you
such a pipe as that merely because it happened to
be drugged scarcely. I gave it to you because I discovered,
from indisputable evidence, and to my cost, that it was haunted. Haunted, yes, haunted.
Good day. He was gone again. I ran out of
the room and shouted after him down the stairs. He
was already at the bottom of the flight dress. Come back.
What do you mean by talking such nonsense? Of course,
it's only nonsense. We know that sort of thing always
is nonsense. Are you sure to have any reason to
suppose that there is something in it. Besides nonsense. You
may think it worth your while to make inquiries of me,
but I won't have that pipe back again in my
possession on any terms. Mind that the bang of the
front door told me that he had gone out into
the street. I let him go, I laughed to myself
as I re entered the room, haunted. That was not
a bad idea of his. I saw the whole position
at a glance. The truth of the matter was that
he did regret his generosity, and he was ready to
go to any lengths if he could only succeed in
conjoling me into restoring his gift. He was aware that
I have views upon certain matters which are not wholly
in accordance with those which are popularly supposed to be
the views of the day, and particularly that on the
question of what are commonly called supernatural visitations, I have
a standpoint of my own. Therefore, it was not a
bad move on his part to try to make me
believe that about the pipe on which he knew I
had set my heart, there was something which could not
be accounted for by ordinary laws. Yet, as his own
sense would have told him, it would do if he
had only allowed himself to reflect for a moment. The
move failed because I am not yet so far gone
as to suppose that a pipe a thing of mercham
and amber in the sense in which I understand the word,
could be haunted a pipe a mere pipe. Hoo. I
thought the creature's legs were twined right round the bull.
I was holding the pipe in my hand, regarding it
with the affectionate eyes with which a connoisseur does regard
a curio. When I induced to make this exclamation, I
was certainly under the impression that when I first took
the pipe out of the box, two, if not three,
of the feelers had been twined about the bull, twined
tightly so that you could not see daylight between them
and it. Now they were almost entirely detached, only the
tips touching the mersham, and those particular feelers were gathered up,
as though the creature were in the act of taking
a spring. Of course, I was under a misapprehension the
feelers couldn't have been twined a moment before. I should
have been ready to put a thousand to one that
they were. Still. One does make mistakes, and very egregious
mistakes at times. At the same time, I confess that
when I saw that dreadful looking animal poised on the
extreme edge of the bowl for all the world, as
though were just going to spring at me, I was
a little started. I remembered that when I was smoking
the pipe, I did think I saw the uplifted tentacle
moving as though it were reaching out to me. And
I had a clear recollection that, just as I had
been sinking into that strange state of unconsciousness, I had
been under the impression that the creature was writhing and twisting,
as though it had suddenly become instinct with life. Under
the circumstances, these reflections were not pleasant. I wished Trest
had not talked that nonsense about the thing being haunted.
It was surely sufficient to know that it was drugged
and poisonous. Without anything else, I replaced it in the
sandalwood box. I locked a box in the cabinet. Quite
apart from the question as to whether that pipe was
or was not haunted, I know what haunted me. It
was with me in a figurative which was worse than
actual since all the day, still worse. It was with
me all the night. It was with me in my dreams.
Such dreams possibly not yet wholly recovered from the effects
of that insidious drug. But whether or no, it was
very wrong of trust to set my thoughts into such
a channel. He knows that I am of a highly
imaginative temperament, and that it is easier to get morbid
thoughts into my mind than to get them out again.
Before that night was through, I wished very heartily that
I had never seen the pipe. I awoke from one
nightmare to fall into another. One dreadful dream was with
me all the time of a hideous green reptile which
advanced toward me out of some awful darkness, slowly inch
by inch, until it clutched me around the neck, and,
gluing its lips to mine, sucked the life's blood out
of my veins as it embraced me with a slimy kiss.
Such dreams are not RESTful. I woke anything but refreshed
when the morning came, and when I got up and dressed,
I felt that on the whole it would perhaps have
been better if I never had gone to bed. My
nerves were unstrung, and I had that generally tremulous feeling,
which is I believe an inseparable companion of the more
advanced stages of dipsomnia. I ate no breakfast. I am
no breakfast eater as a rule, But that morning I
had absolutely nothing. If this sort of thing is to continue,
I will let Trust have his pipe again. He may
have the laugh of me, but anything is better than this.
It was with almost funeral foreboding, so that I went
to the cabinet in which I had placed the sandal
wood box. But when I opened it, my feelings of
gloom partially vanished. Of what fantasies had I been guilty?
It must have been entire delusion on my part to
suppose those tentacula had ever been twined about the bowl.
The creature was in exactly the same position in which
I had left the day before, As of course I
knew it would be poised as if about to spring.
I was telling myself how foolish I had been to
allow myself to dwell for a moment on trust His
words when Martin Brasher was shown in Brasher is an
old friend of mine. We have a common ground ghosts,
only we approach them from different points of view. He
takes the scientific, psychological and query side. He's always anxious
to hear of a ghosts that he may have an
opportunity of showing it up. I have something in your
line here, I observed, as he came in in my line.
How so I'm not pipe mad, No, but you're ghost mad,
and this is a haunted pipe, a haunted pipe. I
think you're rather more mad about my ghosts, my dear pew,
than I am. Then I told him all about it.
He was deeply interested, especially when I told him that
the pipe was dropped. But when I repeated Truss's words
about its being haunted and mentioned my own delusion about
the creature moving, he took a more serious view of
the case than I had suspected he would do. I
propose that we have on Trust's suggestion, and go and
make inquiries of him. But you don't really think that
there is anything in it on these subjects. I never
allow myself to think at all. There are Trust's words,
and there is your story. It's agreed on all hands
that the pipe has peculiar properties. It seems to me
that there is a sufficient case here to merit inquiry,
he persuaded me. I went with him the pipe and
the sandalwood box went to trust received us with a grin,
a grin which was accentuated when I placed the sandalwood
box on the table. You understand he said that a
gift is a gift on known terms. Will I consent
to receive that pipe back in my possession. I was
rather nettled by his tone. You need be under no alarm.
I have no intention of suggesting anything of the kind.
Our business here, began Brasher. I must own that his
manner is a little p is of a scientific I
may say, also, and at the same time of a
judicial nature. Our object is the pursuit of truth and
the advancement of inquiry. Have you been trying another smoke?
Inquired Tress, nodding his head toward me. Before I had
time to answer, Brasher went droning on. Our friend here
tells me that you say this pipe is haunted. I
say it is haunted because it is haunted. I looked
at Truss. I half suspected that he was poking fun
at us, But he appeared to be serious enough in
these matters, remarked Brasher, as though he were giving utterance
to a new and important truth. There is a scientific
and a non scientific method of inquiry. The scientific method
is to begin at the beginning. I ask how this
pipe came into your possession. Tress paused before he answered,
you may ask. He paused again, Oh you, sir, certainly
they may ask. But it doesn't follow that I shall
tell you. Surely your object like ours can be. But
spreading about of the truth, I don't see it at all.
It is possible to imagine a case in which the
spreading about of the truth might make me look a
little awkward. Indeed, Rasher pursed up his lips. Your words
almost lead one to suppose that there was something about
your method of acquiring the pipe which you have good
and weighty reasons for concealing. I don't know why I
should conceal the thing from you. I don't suppose either
of you is any better than I am. I don't
mind telling you how I got the pipe. I stole it,
stole it. Rasher seemed both amazed and shocked, But I,
who had previous experience of Trest's methods of adding to
his collection, was not at all surprised. Some of the
pipes which he calls his. If only the whole truth
about or publicly known, would send him to jail. That's nothing,
he continued, all collector steal. The ethh commandment was not
intended to apply to them. Why Pew there has conveyed
three fourths of the pipe which he flatters himself, are his.
I was so dumbfoundered by the charge that it took
my breath away. I sat in an astounded silence. Tress
went raving on. I was so shy of this particular
pipe when I had obtained it that I put it
away for quite three months. I took it out to
have a look at it. Something about the thing so
tickled me that I resolved to smoke it, owing to
peculiar circumstances attending the manner in which the thing came
into my possession on which I need not dwell. You
don't like to dwell on those sort of things, do you, Pew.
I knew really nothing about the pipe, as was the
gaze with pew. One peculiarity. I learned from actual experience.
It was also from actual experience that I learned that
the thing was well, I said, haunted. But you may
use any other word you like. Tell us as briefly
as possible what it was you really did discover? Take
the pipe out of the box. Brasher took the pipe
out of the box and held it in his hand.
You see that creature on it. Well, when I first
had it, it was underneath the pipe. How do you
mean that it was underneath the pipe? It was bunched
together underneath the stem, just at the end of the mouthpiece,
and the same way in which a fly might be
suspended from the ceiling. When I began to smoke the pipe,
I saw the creature move, but I thought that unconsciousness
immediately followed. It did follow, but not before I saw
that the thing was moving. It was because I thought
that I had been, in a way a victim of delirium,
that I tried the second smoke, suspecting that the thing
was drugged. I swallowed what I believed would prove a
powerful antidote. It enabled me to resist the influence of
the narcotic much longer than before, and while I still
retained my senses, I saw the creature crawl along the
stem and over the bowl. It was that sight, I believe,
as much as anything else, which sent me silly. When
I came to I then and there decided to present
the pipe to Pew. There is one more thing, I
would remark. When the pipe left me, the creature's legs
were twined about the bull. Now they are withdrawn. Possibly, you, Pew,
I able to cap my little story with a little
one which is all your own. I certainly did imagine
that I saw the creature move, but I supposed that
while I was under the influence of the drug, imagination
had played me a trick. Not a bit of it
depend upon it. The beast is bewitched. Even to my eye,
it looks as though it were into a trained eye
like yours, Pew. You've been looking for the devil a
long time, and you've got him at last. Aye, I
wish you wouldn't make those remarks, Tress. They jar on me,
I confess, interpolated Brasher. I noticed that he had put
the pipe down on the table, as though he were
tired of holding it. That, to my thinking, such remarks
are not appropriate. At the same time, what you have
told us is I am bound to allow a little curious,
But of course what I require is ocular demonstration. I
haven't seen the movement myself. No, what you very soon
will do if you care to have a pull at
the pipe on your own account, do Brasher to oblige me.
There's a dear. It appears then that the movement is
only observable when the pipe is smoked. We have at
least arrived at step number one. Here's a match, Brasher,
light it up, and we shall have arrived at step
number two. Dress lit a match and held it out
to Brasher. Brasher retreated from its neighborhood. Thank you, mister Tress.
I am no smoker, as you are aware, and I
have no desire to acquire the art of smoking by
means of a poisoned pipe. Dress laughed. He blew out
the match and threw it into the grate. Then I'll
tell you what I'll do. I'll have up Bob Bob.
Why Bob Bob? Whose real name was Robert Haines, though
I should think he must have forgotten the fact, so
seldom was he addressed by It was Trest's servant. He
had been an old soldier and had accompanied his master
when he left the service. He was as depraved a
character as Tress himself. I am not sure even that
he was not worse than his master. I shall never
forget how he once behaved toward myself. He actually had
the assurance to accuse me of attempting to steal though
ardur Street relic, which Trest fondly deludes himself, was once
the property of Sir Walter Raleigh. The truth is that
I had slipped it with my handkerchief into my pocket
in a fit of absence of mind. A man who
could accuse me of such a thing would be guilty
of anything. I was therefore quite at one with Brasher
when he explained what Bob could possibly be wanted for.
Tress explained, I'll get him to smoke the pipe, he said.
Brasher and I exchanged glances, but we refrained from speech.
It won't do him any harm, said Tress. What not
a poisoned pipe, asked Brasher. It's not poisoned. It's only drugged.
Only drugged. Nothing hurts Bob. He is like an ostrich.
He has digestive organs which are peculiarly his own. It
will only serve him as it served me, and Pew,
it will knock him over. It is all done in
the pursuit of truth and for the advancement of inquiry.
I could see that Brasher did not altogether like the
tone in which Tress repeated his words. As for me,
it was not to be supposed that I should put
myself out in a matter which in no way concerned me.
If Trust chose to poison the man, it was his affair,
not mine. He went to the door and shouted, Bob,
come here, you scoundrel. That is the way in which
he speaks to him. No really decent servant would stand it.
I shouldn't care to address an alder my servant in
such a way. He would give me notice. On the spot.
Bob came in. He is a great, hulking fellow who
is always on the grin. Tress had a decanter of
brandy in his hand. He filled a tumbler with a
neat spirit. Bob, what would you say to a glassful
of brandy? The real thing, my boy? Thank you, sir.
And what would you say to a pull at a
pipe when the brandy is drunk? A pipe? The fellow
is sharp enough when he likes I saw him look
at the pipe upon the table, and then at us,
and then a gleam of intelligence came into his eyes.
I'd do it for a dollar, sir, A dollar, you thief.
I meant ten shillings, sir, ten shillings, you brazen vagabond.
I should have said a pound. A pound was ever
the like of that? Do I understand you to ask
a pound for taking a pull at your master's pipe.
I'm thinking that I'll have to make it too. The
deuce you are here, Pew, lend me a pound. I'm
afraid I've left my purse behind. Then lend me ten shillings, aneneus,
I doubt if I have more than five. Then give
me the five, and Brasher lend me the other fifteen.
Brasher lent him the fifteen. I doubt if we shall
either of us ever see our money again. He handed
the pound to Bob. Here's the brandy. Drink it up.
Bob drank it without a word, draining the glass of
every drop. And here's the pipe. Is it poisoned, sir? Poisoned?
You villain? What do you mean? It isn't the first
time I've seen your tricks, sir? Is it now? And
you're not the one to give a pound for nothing
at all? If it kills me, you'll send my body
to my mother. She'd like to know I was dead.
Send your body to your grandmother, you idiot. Sit down
and smoke Bob sat down. Dress had filled the pipe
and handed it with a lighted match to Bob. The
fellow declined the match. He handled the pipe there gingerly,
turning it over and over, eyeing it with his eyes.
Thank you, sir. I'll light it up myself. If it's
the same to you, I carry matches of my own.
It's a beautiful pipe entirely. I never see the likes
of it for ugliness. And what's the slimy looking enviroment
that looks as though it would like to have my life?
Is it living or is it dead? Come? We don't
want to sit here all day, my man. Well, sir,
the look of this here pipe has quite upset in
my stomach. And I'd like another drop of liquor, if
it's the same to you, another drop? Why she tumblr
full already? Here's another tumblerfull to put on top of that.
You won't want the pipe to kill you. You'll be
killed before you get to it. And isn't it better
to die a natural death? Bob emptied the second tumbler
of brandy as though it were water. I believe he
would empty a hogshead without turning a hair. Then he
gave another look at the pipe, then taking a match
from his waistcoast pocket. He drew a long breath, as
though he were resigning himself to fate, striking the match
on the seat of his trousers while shaded by his hand.
The flame was gathering strength. He looked at each of
us in turn. When he looked at Tress, I distinctly
saw him wink his eye. What my feelings would have
been if a servant of mine had winked his eye
at me, I'm unable to imagine. The match was applied
to the tobacco, a puff of smoke came through his lips.
The pipe was light During this process of lighting the pipe,
we had sat. I do not wish to use exaggerated language,
but we had sat and watched that alcoholic scamp's proceedings
as though we were witnessing in action which would leave
its mark upon the age. When we saw the pipe
was lighted, we gave a simultaneous start. Brasher put his
hands under his coattails and gave a kind of hop.
I raised myself a good six inches from my chair,
and Tress rubbed his palms together with a chuckle. Bob
alone was calm, now, cried Tress. You'll see the devil moving.
Bob took the pipe from between his lips. See what
he said, Bob, you rascal. Put that pipe back into
your mouth and smoke it for your life. Bob was
eyeing the pipe. Askance, I daresay, But what I want
to know is whether this here Varmint's dead or whether
he isn't. I don't want to have him flying at
my nose, and he looks vicious enough for anything. Give
me back that pound, you thief, and get out of
my house and bundle. I ain't going to give you
back no pound. Then smoke that pipe. I am smokin it,
ain't I. With the utmost deliberation, Bob returned the pipe
to his mouth. He admitted another with or two of smoke.
Now now cried Tress, all excitement and wagging his hand
in the air. We gathered round. As we did so,
Bob again withdrew the pipe. What is the meaning of
all this here? I ain't goin to have you playin
none of your larks on me. I know there's somethin up,
but I ain't goin to throw my life away for
twenty shillings. Not quite I ain't dress whose temper is
not at any time one of the best was seized
with quite a spasm of rage. As I live, my lad,
if you try to cheat me by taking that pipe
from between your lips until I tell you you leave
this room that instant never again to be a servant
of mine. I presume the fellow knew from long experience
when his master meant what he said, and when he didn't.
Without an attempt at remonstrance, he replaced the pie. He
continued stolidly to puff away dress. Caught me by the arm.
What did I tell you there? There? That tentacle is moving.
The uplifted tentacle was moving. It was doing what I
had seen it do as I supposed in my distorted imagination.
It was reaching forward. Undoubtedly Bob saw what it was doing.
But whether in obedience to his master's commands or whether
because the drug was already beginning to take effect, he
made no movement to withdraw the pipe. He watched the
slowly advancing tentacle coming closer and closer toward his nose,
with an expression of such intense horror on his countenance
that it became quite shocking. Farther and farther. The creature
reached forward, until on a sudden, with a sort of jerk,
the movement assumed a downward direction, and the tentacle was
slowly lowered until the tip rested on the stem of
the pipe. For a moment, the creature remained motionless. I
was quieting my nerves with the reflection that this thing
was but some trick of the carver's art, and that
what we had seen we had seen in a sort
of nightmare. When the whole hideous reptile was seized with
what seemed to be a fit of convulsive shuddering, it
seemed to be in agony. It trembled so violently that
I expected to see it loosen its hold of the
stem and fall to the ground. I was sufficiently mastered
myself to steal a glance at Bob. We had had
an inkling of what might happen. He was wholly unprepared
as he saw that dreadful, human looking creature coming to life,
as it seemed within an inch or two of his nose.
His eyes dilated to twice their usual size. I hoped
for his sake that unconsciousness would supervene through the action
of the drug before, through sheer fright, his senses left him.
Perhaps mechanically, he puffed steadily on. The creature shuddered, became
more violent. It appeared to swell before our eyes. Then,
just as suddenly as it began, the shuddering ceased. There
was another instant of questions. Then the creature began to
crawl along the stem of the pipe. It moved with
marvelous caution, the merest fraction of an inch at a time,
but still it moved. Our eyes were riveted on it
with a fascination which was absolutely nauseous. I am unpleasantly affected,
even as I think of it now. My dreams of
the night before I had been nothing to this. Slowly, slowly,
it went nearer and nearer to the smoker's nose. Its
mode of progression was in the highest degree unsightly. It glided,
never so far as I could see, removing its tentacles
from the stem of the pipe. It slipped its hindmost
feelers onward until they came up to those which were
in advance. Then in their turn it advanced those which
were in front. It seemed, too to move with the
utmost labor, shuddering, as though it were in pain. We
were all, for our parts speechless. I was momentarily hoping
that the drug would take effect on Bob, either his
constitution enabled him to offer a strong resistance to narcotics,
or else the large quantity of neat spirit which he
had drunk acted as Tress had malevantly intended that it
should as an antidote. It seemed to me that he
would never succumb. On with the creature on and on
in its infinitesimal progression, I was spellbound. I would have
given the world to scream, to have been able to
utter a sound. I could do nothing else but watch.
The creature had reached the end of the stem. It
had gained the amber mouthpiece. It was within an inch
of the smoker's nose. Still on it went. It seemed
to move with greater freedom. On the amber. It increased
its rate of progress. It was actually touching the foremost
feature of the smoker's countenance. I expected to see it
grip the wretched Bob. When it began to oscillate from
side to side, its oscillations increased in violence. It fell
to the floor that same instant. The narcotic prevailed. Bob
slipped sideways from the chair, the pipe still head tightly
between his rooted jaws. We were silent. There lay Bob
close beside him, lay the creature. A few more inches
to the left, and he would have fallen on and
squashed it flat. It had fallen on its back. Its
feelers were extended upward. They were writhing and twisting and
turning in the air. Tress was the first to speak,
I think a little brandy won't be a miss. Emptying
the remainder of the brandy into a glass, he swallowed
it at a drop. Now for a closer examination of
our friend. Taking a pair of tongs from the grate,
he nipped the creature between them. He deposited upon the table.
I rather fancy that this is a case for dissection.
He took a pen knife from his waistcoat pocket. Opening
the large blade, he thrust its point into the object
on the table. Little or no resistance seemed to be
offered to the passage of the blade, But as it
was inserted, the tentaculus simultaneously began to writhe and twist.
Tressed withdrew the knife, I thought, so. He held a
blade out for our inspection. The point was covered with
some viscid looking matter. That's blood. The thing's alive, alive, alive,
that's the secret of the whole performance. But but me, no,
but my pew, the mysteries exploded. One more ghost is
lost to the world. The person from whom I obtained
that pipe was an Indian juggler, up to many tricks
of the trade. He or someone for him, got hold
of the sweet thing and reptiles and a sweeter thing
would I imagine be hard to find, and covered it
with some preparation of possibly gum arabic. He allowed this
to harden. Then he stuck the thing, still living, for
those sort of gentry are hard to kill, to the pipe.
The consequence was that when anyone lit up, the warmth
was communicated to the adhesive agent. Again some preparation of
gum no doubt it moistened it, and the creature, with
infinite difficulty, was able to move. But I am open
to lay odds with any gentleman of the sporting tastes
that this time the creature's traveling days are done. It
has given me rather a larger taste of the horror
than is good for my digestion. With the aid of
the tongs. He removed the creature from the table. He
placed it on the hearth. Before Brasher or I had
any notion of what it was he intended to do,
he covered it with a heavy marble paper weight. Then
he stood upon the weight, and between the marble and
the hearth, he ground the creature flat. While the execution
was still proceeding, Bob sat up upon the floor. HULLO, Yes,
what's happened. We've emptied the bottle, Bob, said Tress. But
there's another where that came from. Perhaps you could drink
another tumberful, my boy, Bob drank it. Footnote, These gentry
are hard to kill. Here is fact, not fantasy. Lizard
yarns no less sensational than this mystery story can be
found between the covers of solemn zoological textbooks. Reptiles, indeed,
are far from finicky in the matters of air space
and especially Warmthugs and other such sluggish blooded creatures have
lived after being frozen fast in ice. Their blood is
little warmer than air or water, enjoying no extra casing
of fur or feathers. Air and food seem held in
light esteem by lizards. Their blood need not be highly oxygenated,
it nourishes just as well when impure. In temperate climes,
lizards lie torpid and buried all winter. Some species of
the tropic deserts sleep peacefully all summer. Their anatomy includes
no means for the continuous introduction and expulsion of air.
Reptilian lungs are little more than closed sacs without cell structure.
If any further zoological fact were needed to verify the
denowment of the pipe, it might be the general statement
that lizards are abnormal broats. Anyhow, consider the chameleons of
unsettled hue, and what is one to think of an
animal which, when captured by the tail, is able to
make its escape by wilfully shuffling off that appendage. Editor