WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:06.919 The city always felt softer when it rained, as if 2 00:00:06.960 --> 00:00:09.679 the neon could finally paint its colours without all the 3 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:13.640 noise and definition. Our windows beaded with droplets that blurred 4 00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:17.440 the outside world into half familiar shapes, liquefied brake lights, 5 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:20.600 sharp floods of yellow from the corner bodega, and the 6 00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:23.679 pale green of the tATu parlor sign across the street. 7 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:26.600 It was supposed to be my favorite kind of night, 8 00:00:27.079 --> 00:00:30.239 a Thursday trivia night with just enough chaos in the 9 00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:33.000 group chat to tug a tired smile onto my face. 10 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:36.000 I glanced at Jenna, curled on the far end of 11 00:00:36.039 --> 00:00:39.359 the sofa, one sockt foot tucked under her thigh, staring 12 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:42.079 at her phone like it owed her. Rent. The trivia 13 00:00:42.119 --> 00:00:45.600 Bross plus Friends chat was blowing up. Max posted a 14 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.240 meme of a goat in a monocle team name suggestion 15 00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:52.399 dairy pun intended, followed by a flood of eggplant emojis 16 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:57.119 and inside jokes. Tara all lower case and sarcasm replied, 17 00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:00.320 if there's a round on obscure cheeses again this week, 18 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:04.359 I'm walking. Then Jenna set down her phone and typed 19 00:01:04.359 --> 00:01:07.640 out her own message. Nails tapping with the light staccato 20 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:11.439 she'd picked up recently, can't make it to night, Swamped 21 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:15.439 with a new client redesign catch up. After she hit 22 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:18.079 send and looked back at her laptop as if she 23 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:20.319 hadn't just tapped a domino that would send the whole 24 00:01:20.359 --> 00:01:23.840 group groaning and gilt tripping in the best pettiest way. 25 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:29.079 Max immediately Jay in an air Kasha, boo, you know 26 00:01:29.159 --> 00:01:33.280 we need our wild card, Tara. As always, client equals 27 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:36.879 code for napping while Nate buys us shots. But me, 28 00:01:37.239 --> 00:01:40.040 my thumb hovered over my phone, not sure whether to 29 00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:43.000 play along with the teasing or leave it alone. She'd 30 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:46.040 already missed three out of the last four Thursdays, each 31 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:49.599 time a high stakes project or midnight deadline or last 32 00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:53.400 minute creative call. And she did look tired, at least 33 00:01:53.439 --> 00:01:55.680 I thought so. Her hair was up in a loose, 34 00:01:55.799 --> 00:01:59.760 frizzy knot, shadows under her eyes, coffee mug half empty 35 00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:03.319 for the third hour running. I told myself it was 36 00:02:03.439 --> 00:02:07.760 just the usual freelancer hell feast or famine, hustle or 37 00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:11.240 be forgotten. But the more you tell yourself not to care, 38 00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:14.120 the more sharply you feel the edge of being left out. 39 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:17.719 For two years, Trivia night hadn't just been our ritual. 40 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:20.719 It was the one constant with our friends, the thing 41 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:23.360 that made us both feel half way cool and half 42 00:02:23.400 --> 00:02:26.400 way nerdy. Surrounded by people who could break down the 43 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:30.439 difference between Kaiju movies and obscure Basquiat references in the 44 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.039 same breath. The idea of just showing up without her 45 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:37.240 suddenly made me feel twelve years old again, the kid 46 00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:42.439 everyone forgot to pick for Dodgeball, stupid but stubborn. I 47 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:45.680 wandered the loft as I finished getting ready. Jenna had 48 00:02:45.719 --> 00:02:48.639 retreated to the little makeshift office off the kitchen, a 49 00:02:48.719 --> 00:02:51.479 room really only big enough for a standing desk, a 50 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:54.400 thrifted Eames knockoff, and a wall of sticky notes in 51 00:02:54.439 --> 00:02:58.919 three shades, pink for client work, yellow for creative emergencies, 52 00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:02.680 and blue for somemon day. The door was mostly closed, 53 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:05.319 but the lights spilled into the gap at the bottom. 54 00:03:06.319 --> 00:03:08.560 I heard her voice on a call, one of those 55 00:03:08.680 --> 00:03:13.360 laughter laced conversations, half way between flirt and brainstorm, words 56 00:03:13.400 --> 00:03:17.080 batting back and forth, fast and clever. I couldn't quite 57 00:03:17.080 --> 00:03:20.319 make out what was said, only the cadence the old 58 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:24.240 magnetic Jenna, but somehow less filtered, sharper like she was 59 00:03:24.360 --> 00:03:27.520 arguing for a prize. I looked through the crack in 60 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:30.759 the door. She was smiling, chinned her shoulder, and then 61 00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:33.080 buried her face in her elbow when she laughed at 62 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:36.080 something the other person said. It struck a little cord 63 00:03:36.120 --> 00:03:39.800 of jealousy. Ridiculous, and I pushed myself to move along. 64 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:44.080 This was her work, after all. We d met at work, 65 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:48.080 facing off with presentation decks and shoddy coffee, falling for 66 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:51.960 each other because we could keep up key wallet jacket. 67 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:54.479 As I walked back toward the door, I remembered I'd 68 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:57.159 left my phone charger in the office earlier that day. 69 00:03:57.560 --> 00:04:00.879 I knocked no answer when I opened the door. Jenna 70 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:04.759 waved dismissively as she ended the call. Just finishing up, 71 00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:10.560 she said, her voice suddenly professional, smile fading leaving for trivia. 72 00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:13.960 Want me to bring you anything? I tried to sound casual. 73 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:18.279 She shook her head. I'll probably just eat some cereal. 74 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:20.959 Text me if you guys need a tie breaker question, 75 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:24.879 she said, not quite meeting my eyes. I looked at 76 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:27.439 her laptop on the edge of the desk, mostly because 77 00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:30.519 the charging cable was tangled over it. The screen was 78 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:34.399 still on Wikipedia, opened to an article on brind and 79 00:04:34.439 --> 00:04:38.000 mold ripened cheeses of Central Europe. There was a highlighted 80 00:04:38.040 --> 00:04:41.240 section referencing Liptower, a cheese none of us had managed 81 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:44.959 to name. Two thursdays ago, I grinned to myself. We'd 82 00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:48.120 spent ten minutes arguing about whether it was technically a spread, 83 00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:51.079 and Jenna had acted as bored as a lab assistant 84 00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:55.480 at a VET conference, studying up for next week, I asked, 85 00:04:55.720 --> 00:05:00.040 raising an eyebrow. She wrinkled her nose. Honestly, my a 86 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:03.800 new project is all about ah culinary branding. You wouldn't 87 00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:06.360 believe the R and D I've had to do. You 88 00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:10.519 should see my search history, all surface level. But I 89 00:05:10.600 --> 00:05:13.920 caught a tiny shift in her expression, a brief tightness 90 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:17.199 in her shoulders. You're still on for next Thursday, right, 91 00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:22.399 I pressed? She busied herself closing browser tabs. I hope. 92 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:25.399 So depends on whether this client gets their act together. 93 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:29.800 I'm basically living on research mode lately. Her tone was 94 00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:34.879 almost too breezy, words coming a shade too fast. I left, 95 00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:38.199 not sure what to think. Was this how people drift apart, 96 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.600 one miss night at a time, each layered with half 97 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:44.519 truths and noise, until you don't remember the last time 98 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:47.800 you saw each other laugh without checking a clock. Or 99 00:05:47.879 --> 00:05:50.879 was I just feeling insecure because I hadn't landed a 100 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.839 juicy design gig in months? Was I sniffing out problems 101 00:05:54.839 --> 00:05:58.160 that weren't there? On my walk to the bar, rain 102 00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:00.399 beaded on my collar as I tried to shake the 103 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:02.920 mood from my shoulders. A city had always been a 104 00:06:02.959 --> 00:06:06.480 place that demanded you hustle, pitch, sell your own mythology. 105 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:10.120 Maybe Jenna was just killing it for once, finally in demand, 106 00:06:10.439 --> 00:06:12.360 pulling all nighters for the hire I used to get 107 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.800 back when my own calendar felt crowded. Maybe her distance 108 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:19.199 was just success. Still, I couldn't get past the way 109 00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:22.639 she'd sounded on the call light, bright, the way she 110 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:26.079 was with people she admired. At the door to the bar, 111 00:06:26.519 --> 00:06:28.399 Max grabbed me in a hug that used to feel 112 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:31.079 like home, making a joke about how our team's name 113 00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:35.000 was going to suffer without Jenna's chaotic energy. Tara ordered 114 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:39.040 whisky sours, Questions flew pop culture and dumb movie trivia. 115 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:42.360 Cacia snapping photos and making us look cooler and more 116 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:45.360 alive than we really were. But under it all, the 117 00:06:45.399 --> 00:06:48.800 tight little knot in my chest didn't untangle. Each time 118 00:06:48.839 --> 00:06:51.759 someone mentioned Jenna, I fought hard to keep my smile 119 00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:55.240 from warping into something else. You can't be jealous of 120 00:06:55.279 --> 00:07:00.000 your partner's ambition, not really, except maybe you can if 121 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.360 if you start to wonder whose world she's burning the 122 00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:05.839 candle for, and why lately it doesn't seem to be you. 123 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:09.839 Before I met Jenna, I didn't think two creative people 124 00:07:09.879 --> 00:07:13.120 could be together without detonating some kind of slow drift 125 00:07:13.240 --> 00:07:16.920 or combustion. She proved me wrong. We met five years 126 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:20.199 ago at an art's non profit hackathon for something Stupid, 127 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:24.720 designing interactive murals for a community project. I'd never seen 128 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:28.319 anyone argue so beautifully about color schemes or turn a 129 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:32.600 brainstorm session into a punk rock improv show. She won 130 00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:35.759 that round, clinched the grand, and was still cocky enough 131 00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:39.800 to say, next time, bring bigger markers. I stole one 132 00:07:39.800 --> 00:07:43.120 of her sharpies as a trophy. Later at the after party, 133 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:45.439 she hunted me down and made me trade for the 134 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:48.720 marker by telling her two things about myself. I wouldn't 135 00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:53.319 share at work, one nerdy one embarrassing. I told her 136 00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:56.439 I still named all my concept files things like Final 137 00:07:56.480 --> 00:08:00.480 Final PSD and sometimes did my best thinking. At three 138 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:03.199 a m. In the shower, she told me her design 139 00:08:03.319 --> 00:08:06.600 signature was a hidden doodle of a penguin in every project, 140 00:08:07.000 --> 00:08:10.199 and she'd never once used a layer mask correctly. We 141 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:13.040 drank cheap vodka on the fire escape and got in 142 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:17.519 trouble for flicking capless markers at passing cabs. We didn't 143 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:21.120 actually start dating seriously until nine months after that night. 144 00:08:21.560 --> 00:08:24.360 It was always a slow burn, then a forest fire. 145 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:28.600 We'd fight, then make up, then work together and leave rude, 146 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:33.799 sticky notes as each other's art directors. After our first anniversary, 147 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:36.000 I found the nerve to ask her to move in. 148 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:40.240 Our friends called us the power couple, which neither of 149 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:44.200 us took seriously until we realized we'd become co conspirators 150 00:08:44.200 --> 00:08:48.240 for rent, freelance gigs and parties that seemed to snowball 151 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:52.159 out of nowhere. Aloft looked like an abstract comic panel, 152 00:08:52.519 --> 00:08:56.600 second hand furniture, big windows, weird angles, walls in three 153 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.879 different stages of mural painting, and a kitchen table. Barely 154 00:09:00.039 --> 00:09:02.559 big enough for a laptop and our takeout, but it 155 00:09:02.679 --> 00:09:06.679 was ours. Jenna was the impromptu chef, the rebel, never 156 00:09:06.759 --> 00:09:10.799 following a recipe, always turning Brussels sprouts into art. I 157 00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:13.759 was happy to be methodical, laying out time blocks for 158 00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.879 chores or meal prep, quietly grateful for the way she 159 00:09:16.960 --> 00:09:21.679 always turned habit into spectacle. Weekends, we'd hit the farmer's market, 160 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:24.879 then come home with too many herbs and not enough plans. 161 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:28.919 At night, we'd work side by side, trading feedback on 162 00:09:29.080 --> 00:09:32.320 client decks or getting wine drunk on the balcony, arguing 163 00:09:32.360 --> 00:09:37.000 about fonts. Thursday nights sacred. Our trivia team was our 164 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:40.399 little chosen family, the only ritual we could keep straight. 165 00:09:41.480 --> 00:09:44.399 People floated in and out over the years. A couple 166 00:09:44.399 --> 00:09:47.279 of artists moved to La, a drummer quit to become 167 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:51.279 a vegan chef, but the core group settled. Max Loud, 168 00:09:51.320 --> 00:09:55.639 Giddy Whipsmart Tara, my ex sharp edged humor, loyal once 169 00:09:55.679 --> 00:10:00.919 you proved yourself, Kasha the Glue Shutter, happy and steady. Lately, 170 00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:04.240 though something had shifted. Jenna's calendar was a mess of 171 00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:08.159 red blocks, sometimes visible to me, sometimes full of cryptic 172 00:10:08.360 --> 00:10:12.480 client nineteen or bran deep dive notes with zero detail. 173 00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:16.480 She'd started mentioning names I hadn't heard before. This agency 174 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:19.440 in Montreal was a quick turner, and I got looped 175 00:10:19.480 --> 00:10:22.200 into a restaurant rebrand through some one's girl friend at 176 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:26.440 the ad club. Oh sorry, booked back to back. My 177 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:30.519 gigs were less stellar. A few poster designs, some rehashes 178 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:33.840 for a local music festival, an unfinished Zene project for 179 00:10:33.879 --> 00:10:36.720 a cafe we both liked. I tried not to feel 180 00:10:36.759 --> 00:10:39.879 like dead weight, the person left behind as their partner 181 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:43.679 figured out the cheat code to creative happiness. I celebrated 182 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:47.399 her wins mostly, even bought a dumb little trophy from 183 00:10:47.440 --> 00:10:50.600 the Dollar Store for her best unpaid pitch, just as 184 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:54.919 an inside joke. But there were new absences, fewer brain 185 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:57.960 storms on the balcony, more nights where she buried herself 186 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:01.080 in air pods and turned down the joint let's sketch 187 00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:04.639 and talk ritual that used to be our anchor. Half 188 00:11:04.679 --> 00:11:07.559 the time I blamed the hustle. The other half I 189 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:12.080 blamed myself. The Sunday after that rainy trivia night, Jenna 190 00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:16.440 did her weekly ritual laundry playlist blaring French press burning 191 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:19.559 at half capacity. I tried to launch my own project 192 00:11:19.559 --> 00:11:22.399 in the other room, but the silence was thick, the 193 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:25.120 kind that feels full of things and said. When I 194 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:27.720 finally asked if she wanted to grab dinner out or 195 00:11:27.799 --> 00:11:30.320 hit the flea market for inspiration like we used to, 196 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.159 she said, I have to finish a wire frame for 197 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:36.600 a new wellness start up. They want mood boards before Monday. 198 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:42.200 Her eyes were soft, apologetic, yet distant. I tried to 199 00:11:42.279 --> 00:11:46.159 joke is wellness code for spa Day or hippie pyramid scheme? 200 00:11:46.200 --> 00:11:49.679 This time she laughed, but her phone pinged and she 201 00:11:49.799 --> 00:11:53.720 excused herself to take the call. Later, as we watched 202 00:11:53.759 --> 00:11:56.600 t V, I checked our shared calender on my laptop 203 00:11:56.639 --> 00:11:59.159 for the upcoming week and saw a mammoth block from 204 00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:03.279 eight p m to midnight labeled Client nineteen final touches, 205 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:07.320 no company, no point of contact, no address, just the number. 206 00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:09.799 I tried to recall if we'd ever talked about a 207 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:13.639 client nineteen before, Probably just new branding for a secretive 208 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:17.559 start up. Still, my brains started associating the number with 209 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:22.120 something private, something I wasn't meant to enter. The next Thursday, 210 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:24.440 it was more of the same. Jenner at her desk, 211 00:12:24.600 --> 00:12:28.960 two laptops open, three empty coffee mugs, do not disturb, Babe. 212 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:32.039 This one's going to run late. She'd already texted the group, 213 00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:35.159 so the memes started. Tara said we should buy Jenner 214 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:38.279 a fake mustache and sneak her in as our consultant. 215 00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:41.879 Max posted a cartoon of a detective peering over a 216 00:12:41.960 --> 00:12:46.480 cheese plate. Every one missed her. I missed her. At trivia, 217 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:49.000 it was just the four of us. The first round 218 00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:51.879 rattled me. The quiz master fire bomb us with niche 219 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:57.080 pop culture references Hungarian rappers, b movie monsters, cheese varietals 220 00:12:57.159 --> 00:13:00.440 named after Roman empress. Max pulled out an unc cannily 221 00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:04.039 brilliant answer about a seventies animated series, which had the 222 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:08.080 whole team howling. The ease between Max and I bouncing 223 00:13:08.120 --> 00:13:11.519 comments off each other felt like old times. Maybe we 224 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:14.440 could keep the crew together, even if Jenna was busier. 225 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:18.440 Half Way through, Max rifted on a terrible joke, something 226 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:22.840 about cheesemongers with daddy issues, and suddenly everyone was in stitches. 227 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:26.399 But the weird thing, the phrase pinged something in my brain. 228 00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:29.879 Earlier that afternoon, I'd overheard Jenna on a work call 229 00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.399 telling someone you need the emotional IQ of a cheesemonger 230 00:13:33.440 --> 00:13:37.039 these days in design. At the time, I'd assumed she'd 231 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:39.679 been talking to a client. But now the same joke 232 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:43.159 emerged here, echoing with just enough specificity to feel not 233 00:13:43.240 --> 00:13:47.480 quite random. I shouldn't read into it, I thought, trivia 234 00:13:47.559 --> 00:13:50.240 questions get in your head. I tried to let it go. 235 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:54.000 When I got home that night, the apartment was dark 236 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:57.320 except for the glow of Jenna's desk lamp. She'd already 237 00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:00.720 shut down her laptop, sheets pulled to her chin, face 238 00:14:00.759 --> 00:14:03.840 barely illuminated by the soft blue light from her phone. 239 00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:08.000 Hey you didn't wake me. How'd it go? She mumbled, 240 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:12.399 half asleep. We came third, missed out on the cash, 241 00:14:12.440 --> 00:14:16.399 but Max nailed a ridiculous fact about Mongolian pop stars. 242 00:14:16.919 --> 00:14:19.480 I'm still suspicious he had the answer in his phone, 243 00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:22.480 I said, watching her reaction out of the corner of 244 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:27.679 my eye. She smiled faintly. That's pretty wild. You know. 245 00:14:27.799 --> 00:14:30.840 Mongolian pop is bigger than K pop in some places. 246 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:35.279 She rolled over, sleepy but confident. Where do you even 247 00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:39.559 pick up this stuff? I couldn't help but ask. She shrugged. 248 00:14:40.039 --> 00:14:42.879 Just comes with working in design, We pick up random 249 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:47.480 info right. Her tone was casual, eyes busy scanning her 250 00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:50.960 phone screen even as she talked to me. I tried 251 00:14:50.960 --> 00:14:54.279 to let it be paranoia wouldn't help. She was tired, 252 00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:57.919 I told myself. I convinced myself my anxiety was guilt 253 00:14:57.960 --> 00:15:00.639 for doubting her, for not being the partner she needed. 254 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:03.519 I pressed a kiss to her forehead and turned away, 255 00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:07.000 but her shoulders stayed tense until she drifted into sleep, 256 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:11.600 headphones firmly in place. If I thought things would settle, 257 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:15.480 they didn't. Over the next three weeks, every small anomaly 258 00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:19.000 started to feel loaded. Jenna's late nights got even later, 259 00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:24.399 often coinciding exactly with those so called client nineteen calendar blocks. 260 00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:28.039 I'd wake to the sound of her laughter lower, quieter, 261 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:30.840 and different, as if she were trying to share jokes 262 00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:35.120 that belonged to a world outside hours. On rare evenings 263 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:38.279 when she wasn't supposedly glued to work call, she'd text 264 00:15:38.440 --> 00:15:41.279 or d M rapid fire with someone smile she tried 265 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:44.720 to hide, reflecting off her phone. She'd share inside jokes 266 00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:47.000 in the group chat, but when I overhead her talking 267 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:50.720 about similar topics. Later, the banter sounded scripted, as if 268 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:53.919 she'd rehearse the lines with some one else. Some nights 269 00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:56.879 calls ended abruptly when I entered the room. It's just 270 00:15:56.919 --> 00:16:01.240 a work thing, she'd say, waving me off deadly. Agency 271 00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:05.519 people are looms. Once I checked our Google calendar again 272 00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:09.799 after a particularly quiet night, the client nineteen block was 273 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:13.120 now set to repeat every Thursday, with sub notes b 274 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:18.039 r DNNG presentations slash final pass slash night checkin. I 275 00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:21.440 recognized her short hand, but not the pattern. We'd always 276 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:25.279 used our shared calendar to co ordinate freelance projects. Why 277 00:16:25.320 --> 00:16:29.440 start hiding it now? I started watching social media, a 278 00:16:29.480 --> 00:16:32.519 habit I never had until now. Jenna and Max seem 279 00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:35.720 to like and comment on each other's posts at odd hours, 280 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:38.879 sometimes with layers of inside jokes that made little sense 281 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:42.879 outside their rapport. One caption, a photo of Max's new 282 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:46.679 sneakers sported an inside nicknamed Jenna used for me years ago. 283 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:48.879 I tried to write it off as just the way 284 00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:52.320 our group recycled old jokes, but Kasha d m me 285 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:56.559 late one night. Hey a, Max and Jenna working together again. 286 00:16:57.519 --> 00:17:00.919 They seem really on the same wavelength. Lately. No big, 287 00:17:01.240 --> 00:17:05.440 just curious, not that I know of. I typed Jenna 288 00:17:05.480 --> 00:17:09.279 says she's working with a Montreal shop. Three dots. Kasha 289 00:17:09.279 --> 00:17:12.920 didn't answer. I started back tracking, trying to build a 290 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:16.000 time lin in my head. Who saw whom when? Around 291 00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:18.799 the same time, Tara mentioned at trivia that she'd seen 292 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:21.440 Jenna and Max duck into a wine bar down town. 293 00:17:21.960 --> 00:17:24.240 Said it was for a pitch or something odd, that 294 00:17:24.279 --> 00:17:27.640 they didn't invite any one else, but whatever. I tried 295 00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:31.079 to swallow the burst of anxiety. I asked Jenna about 296 00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:34.039 it that night. She laughed, told me a client gave 297 00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.599 her a bottle of wine as a thank you, gesturing 298 00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:40.440 to the bag she carried, but the label was unmistakably 299 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:44.559 Max's favorite, a Temporneo he'd once ranted about for ten minutes. 300 00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:48.480 During a trivia lightning round, she poured me a stingy glass. 301 00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:53.880 Eyes glued to her phone, attention slipping away again. Saturday 302 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:57.279 rolled around, gray and wet. When Jenna left for brunch 303 00:17:57.319 --> 00:18:00.240 with a creative director, she shoved her sketch bad and 304 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.319 a stack of sticky notes into her tote. Later, as 305 00:18:03.319 --> 00:18:05.400 I tidied up for lack of anything better, to do. 306 00:18:05.720 --> 00:18:08.400 I found a wadded up napkin in her bag. On it, 307 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.759 hastily scribbled was a doodle of an Ampersen morphing into 308 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:15.279 a rocket ship above a circle. A logo, rough but snappy. 309 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:19.440 The handwriting was and this I'd swear under oath Max's. 310 00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:22.200 He always signed his sketches with a little crown in 311 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:25.880 the corner. I left the napkin by her laptop, and 312 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:28.519 when she came home, I asked, did you pick up 313 00:18:28.519 --> 00:18:32.960 another logo consult Her reply was text book casual. Oh, 314 00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:36.680 that Max needed some feedback for a branding pitch. Just 315 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.720 gave him a few notes. No big, It should have 316 00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:43.200 made sense, but somehow it didn't. I pictured them hunched 317 00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.720 over a bar, table heads together, riffing. The thought prickled 318 00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:50.240 under my collar. I told myself again, I was being dramatic. 319 00:18:50.519 --> 00:18:54.640 Creative's cross Polinate were all friends. Then Jenna started using 320 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:59.160 phrases in conversation quick, sarcastic, and just off center enough 321 00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:02.920 to be borrowed from Max's arsenal of one liner's references 322 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:07.079 to old Simpson's episodes, A new fixation on Shoegay's playlist. 323 00:19:08.079 --> 00:19:11.720 I tried to remind myself that couples influence each other, 324 00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:16.119 but a distance grew. She was sharper in arguments, jumping 325 00:19:16.119 --> 00:19:19.920 two steps ahead, apologizing in that mechanical half way their way. 326 00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:24.640 Once she forgot our anniversary dinner altogether, her remorse was textbook. 327 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:27.880 I totally spaced. I'm sorry, Nate. I'll make it up 328 00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:30.799 to you. This week has been bananas. The next day, 329 00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:33.359 she brought me a poster from her office, signed by 330 00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:37.079 two client names I'd never heard. The gesture felt forced, 331 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:41.359 like settling a bill rather than reconnecting. The next attempt 332 00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:44.599 at closeness was mine. I planned a weekend trip out 333 00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:48.000 of the city, no phones, just cabins and sketch books, 334 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:50.599 like we did years ago when we needed to reset. 335 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:55.119 She smiled genuinely, even seemed excited for a day or two, 336 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:58.200 But as the weekend drew close, she told me I 337 00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:01.680 can't leave the client hanging bay. They moved the lawnch up. 338 00:20:02.119 --> 00:20:05.160 I'll make it up to you. I saw her outside 339 00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:07.920 on the balcony that night, pacing as she talked into 340 00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:11.359 her phone, laughing then falling quiet when she saw me 341 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:15.400 inside through the glass. That night, I lay awake, watching 342 00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:18.079 the curve of her back as she curled away, epods 343 00:20:18.119 --> 00:20:20.680 in face, trapped in the blue glow of her phone. 344 00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:24.799 She was there, but not truly there. I wondered if 345 00:20:24.839 --> 00:20:27.480 I was imagining the drift, or if love was really 346 00:20:27.519 --> 00:20:31.720 this easy to outsource, messaging some one else, pinging little jokes, 347 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:34.880 letting your guard down to a different person because it's 348 00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:38.720 easier than facing the person who knows you best. All 349 00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:42.160 the while, our friends carried on orbiting our strange new 350 00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:46.720 distance without ever naming it. Tara, always the outsider by choice, 351 00:20:46.920 --> 00:20:50.079 started sitting closer to me at Trivia, buying my drinks 352 00:20:50.119 --> 00:20:53.559 and teasing that Jenna's working herself into an early grave. 353 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:57.880 Max didn't mention Jenna much, but he and Kasia shared 354 00:20:57.880 --> 00:21:01.119 weird glances whenever I walked in, like they were bracing 355 00:21:01.160 --> 00:21:04.519 for something. One night, after I'd gotten up the nerve 356 00:21:04.599 --> 00:21:08.000 to suggest a date night, just us, no phones, no work, 357 00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:11.599 Jenna smiled and told me, Nate, you're sweet, but there's 358 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:14.319 just so much on my plate. Maybe after the next 359 00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:16.920 big pitch, I don't want to ruin it by stressing. 360 00:21:16.960 --> 00:21:20.000 The whole time, I could tell the words weren't meant 361 00:21:20.039 --> 00:21:23.440 to shut me down, but they still did. Then the 362 00:21:23.480 --> 00:21:25.839 next night, Max sent a video in the group chat 363 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:28.759 from a wine bar, same one Tara had mentioned, with 364 00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:33.160 a caption working hard or hardly working. Jenna reacted with 365 00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:35.559 a laughing emoji. I waited for her to tell me 366 00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:37.799 about it in real life, to loop me in, to 367 00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:41.720 bridge the growing gap. Instead, she came home late, tipsy 368 00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:44.960 but alone, pressing a cold hand to my cheek and saying, 369 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:48.119 I missed you. But something in her voice told me 370 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:52.039 she was somewhere else inside. Every night that she retreated 371 00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:55.720 with her phone and her client calls pressed the question 372 00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:58.519 a little deeper into my mind. Did I lose her 373 00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:01.759 to some one else's world? Was I Atlas carrying the 374 00:22:01.799 --> 00:22:04.519 life we built? Or was I just the background? Now? 375 00:22:05.519 --> 00:22:10.000 It should have crested there suspicion, argument, confirmation, or release, 376 00:22:10.440 --> 00:22:14.559 But life kept staggering on in awkward rhythms. I confronted myself, 377 00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:17.440 asked if I wasn't spiraling because of my own lack 378 00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:20.759 of career momentum, my own need for drama or attention. 379 00:22:21.480 --> 00:22:24.640 Maybe I was projecting. Maybe she really was just hustling 380 00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:27.039 harder than I knew how, And if she leaned on 381 00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:30.400 Max as a creative peer, wasn't that better than shutting 382 00:22:30.440 --> 00:22:34.920 every one out. I apologized. It sounds ridiculous now, but 383 00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:38.160 I really did. We were making coffee together one bleary 384 00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:40.960 morning when I blurted it out. Look, I think I've 385 00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:45.119 been weirdly twitchy. Sorry if I've acted distant. Maybe I'm 386 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:48.799 just stressed about gigs drying up. The words tumbled out, 387 00:22:49.000 --> 00:22:53.359 true enough to explain away my silence. Jenna's relief was 388 00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:57.640 nearly palpable. She stepped over, wrapped her arms around my waist, 389 00:22:57.759 --> 00:23:01.279 and tucked her head beneath my chin. Nate, you're allowed 390 00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:04.039 to be stressed, so am I. None of this is easy, 391 00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:07.480 but we're still a team, right, I nodded, willing it 392 00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:11.079 to be true. That week, she actually cleared her schedule 393 00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:14.400 for a Thursday night together cocktails at our favorite river 394 00:23:14.440 --> 00:23:17.240 front bar, just the two of us, no trivia, no 395 00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:21.559 group chat notifications. We wandered under string lights, teased each 396 00:23:21.559 --> 00:23:24.680 other about old design fails, argued about who would win 397 00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:27.279 in a street art death match. For the first time 398 00:23:27.319 --> 00:23:30.039 in months, I felt like we belonged to each other again, 399 00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:34.240 no screens, nobody calling us away. She talked about her 400 00:23:34.279 --> 00:23:38.000 impostor syndrome with one of her new clients. She said, 401 00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:41.039