Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
Speaker 1: I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
Speaker 1: have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show. If you're new to the show. I
Speaker 1: have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor
Speaker 1: at California State University, Channel Islands Go Dolphins, and I'm
Speaker 1: obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books
Speaker 1: on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory. Isn't it
Speaker 1: crazy that attachment theory is now like the new astrological sign?
Speaker 1: Right producer Kayla, do you know that when you meet people,
Speaker 1: they go do you know your attachment style? That does happen?
Speaker 1: Do you know what your attachment style is? I don't
Speaker 1: want to say, oh oh oh, there we go, Brigida,
Speaker 1: do you know what your attachment style is? I think
Speaker 1: it's all the bad ones like ash is disorganized, a void.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Are you reading my journal, Brigida? I
Speaker 1: think it literally is though, like sometimes I read those
Speaker 1: quizzes and I'm like, but I'm all of the above
Speaker 1: crazy across the board, you could be just sounds very disorganized.
Speaker 1: Uh And Raoul, do you know what your attachment style is?
Speaker 1: I have no idea. Okay, I think it's secure. I
Speaker 1: can just tell by looking at you. Doesn't he look
Speaker 1: like a kind of guy who has a secure attachment style?
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, Raoul's shares some stories with me. He
Speaker 2: definitely knows what he deserves and walks away when he
Speaker 2: when he feels less then, but he stays in it too,
Speaker 2: So I don't know what that means.
Speaker 1: Oh, can you give and receive care comfortably?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're right.
Speaker 3: I am.
Speaker 1: I'm very secure, right, but you're not attracted to people
Speaker 1: who are drama queens or well? Oh I saw yeahs
Speaker 1: on that one. I saw I was based on that one. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: Well we all have our cross to bear. Oh good theme.
Speaker 1: It's Easter. Happy Easter. So when my kids were little,
Speaker 1: we celebrate. I was raised Catholic, so you know, we
Speaker 1: did the church mass, and we did the Easter egg hunt,
Speaker 1: and we did the chocolates. And so this morning they
Speaker 1: call me kids. They're twenty one and twenty six, about
Speaker 1: to turn twenty two and twenty seven, and they go, Mom,
Speaker 1: what do we do doing for Easter? They call me
Speaker 1: and I say, I'm at Plate's, call me back later.
Speaker 1: And then I said, why don't you go get me
Speaker 1: breakfast because I'm prepping my show and reading some studies here.
Speaker 1: So they go to Noah's Bagels and they brought me
Speaker 1: a bagel with eggs in it and a coffee egg
Speaker 1: and cheese or something. That was my Easter. You know,
Speaker 1: that's lovely. I did a lot of years of Easter
Speaker 1: egg hunts, the chocolates, the little fluffy dresses and all
Speaker 1: that stuff. It is, it is what it is when
Speaker 1: they hit a certain age. And my sweet Julio is
Speaker 1: in Florida with his mom, sweet mom, getting her packed
Speaker 1: up to help her move back to New York for
Speaker 1: the summer. So you know, we'll have to do celebrate
Speaker 1: our new beginnings. But what I do like about the
Speaker 1: holiday of Easter and this season, I like the fact
Speaker 1: my birthday's coming up in ten days. That's really what
Speaker 1: I like. But it always feels like new beginnings. I
Speaker 1: loved garden, so I love things sprouting and growing, and
Speaker 1: you know, it's a time of new beginnings. So I'm
Speaker 1: optimistic about it. I want to talk a lot little
Speaker 1: bit about romantic chemistry. People use the term, they throw
Speaker 1: it around all the time, like we didn't have chemistry,
Speaker 1: we didn't really have chemistry. And I know that sometimes
Speaker 1: when people use the term, they're talking about sexual chemistry,
Speaker 1: not necessarily romantic chemistry, right, Believe it or not, there's
Speaker 1: very little research on what romantic chemistry is until now
Speaker 1: a new study out of York University in Toronto by
Speaker 1: Alexandra Leipman and her colleagues. They basically said, well, instead
Speaker 1: of us looking from the outside to see if people
Speaker 1: had romantic chemistry, let's just do a survey and let's
Speaker 1: ask people what is to them defines romantic chemistry. So
Speaker 1: they came up with nine things. I'm going to start
Speaker 1: at the bottom. Okay, the things that are least important.
Speaker 1: You're going to be pretty surprised. Only six percent of
Speaker 1: respondents said that physiologic having a physiological response around somebody
Speaker 1: that includes butterflies in the stomach, nervousness, beating, heart exciting
Speaker 1: around them, this is not romantic chemistry. Apparently, only six
Speaker 1: percent of the people included that in their answers, but
Speaker 1: twenty four percent of the people included intense fixation feelings
Speaker 1: of intense focus with each other. We want to be
Speaker 1: with each other all the time. Now, this is a danger.
Speaker 1: By the way, if both people have an anxious attachment style,
Speaker 1: then they become enmeshed and nobody can remember whose problem
Speaker 1: is who's And yeah, you guys use the word codependent,
Speaker 1: but that's not a real term. But anyway, it's enmeshed
Speaker 1: and yeah, not good. But if you know, it feels
Speaker 1: romantic to be fixated on somebody. Surprisingly, only twenty eight
Speaker 1: percent of the people who did the survey said sexual
Speaker 1: attraction was part of romantic chemistry. So if the couple
Speaker 1: want to have the same wants and desig when it
Speaker 1: comes to intimacy, they call that sexual attraction. Now Here,
Speaker 1: Now we're moving up on what's more important. To people
Speaker 1: who participated in the study, thirty one percent called romantic
Speaker 1: chemistry an unexplainable spark. Well, that explains it. That explains it.
Speaker 1: An unexplainable spark. They called it magical and unexplainable. It
Speaker 1: means that the other person has the same vibrations. I
Speaker 1: don't know how do researchers study, how do we quantify that?
Speaker 1: How can you figure it out? Okay? Moving up the scale,
Speaker 1: thirty six percent were of sound mind when they answered
Speaker 1: this question, what does romantic chemistry mean to you? Thirty
Speaker 1: six percent said similarity feeling like my partner. We think alike,
Speaker 1: we act to light, we share a lot of common interests.
Speaker 1: I've actually said this to my husband, Julio, I go,
Speaker 1: you know, the one thing of all the relationships I've
Speaker 1: had in my life. He hates it when I say this. Ah,
Speaker 1: all of them short ones, the long ones, the tall ones. No,
Speaker 1: there were many relationships I've had in my life. He's
Speaker 1: the one that I share the most values with. Our
Speaker 1: values are emphasis on what's important, like our kids come first.
Speaker 1: Is the same, right? All right? Moving on up from similarity,
Speaker 1: forty percent of the people say that romantic chemistry. What
Speaker 1: makes up a romantic cheistry is compatibility, feelings of togetherness.
Speaker 1: It means they match each other really well. So compatibility,
Speaker 1: though and similarity are pretty similar, right. But also compatibility
Speaker 1: is more like we just get along, right, We're not
Speaker 1: sniping at each other. It's just like we kind of
Speaker 1: gel right. But I love what happens when we start
Speaker 1: to really move up the scale. Here the last three things.
Speaker 1: I think the researchers from York University are really onto something. Comfort.
Speaker 1: Forty one percent of people said romantic chemistry feels like comfort,
Speaker 1: feeling at ease, getting to be yourself, finding it really
Speaker 1: easy to communicate, not feeling negative, not being afraid to
Speaker 1: share the most intimate parts of yourself, just being comfortable.
Speaker 1: You know, I've always said this that when I've been
Speaker 1: in relationships that were friggin' roller coasters, a highs and
Speaker 1: lows and ups and downs and pain and exhilaration and
Speaker 1: everything in between, when you actually finally have a secure attachment,
Speaker 1: it just feels like peace. It feels calm, it feels safe,
Speaker 1: all right. The last two forty eight percent of the
Speaker 1: people said mutuality. I love this. Feelings of mutuality included
Speaker 1: reciprocity and responsiveness. Okay, that means if you text somebody,
Speaker 1: they text you back, you do something nice for them,
Speaker 1: they do something nice for you. That's called reciprocity. That
Speaker 1: is romantic chemistry. But the number one thing, ding ding
Speaker 1: ding ding ding ning go the bell the number one
Speaker 1: definition of romantic chemistry that people put on their survey,
Speaker 1: Sixty four percent of the people said it is positive interaction.
Speaker 1: It included positive feelings, a sense of connection, just enjoying
Speaker 1: each other and feeling like you have a positive emotional
Speaker 1: connection with them, So no more mystery. That's what romantic
Speaker 1: chemistry is. Having a positive experience, being having reciprocity back
Speaker 1: and forth, caring for each other, feeling safe and comfortable.
Speaker 1: That's what it's about. Now. Another aspect, a very basic
Speaker 1: human need besides things like you know, food, shelter, warmth.
Speaker 1: Also on that list is something called belonging. We all
Speaker 1: need to feel that we belong. Lately, some people who
Speaker 1: are living in kind of isolation, living alone, are using
Speaker 1: chat bots chatbots, yeah, chat chept to try to have
Speaker 1: a sense of belonging. So when we come back, I
Speaker 1: want to talk about this. Do you think it's possible?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'll explain what a sense of belonging
Speaker 1: is and you can decide for yourself. You're listening to
Speaker 1: the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Ok I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Kayla,
Speaker 1: do you use chat cheapt for stuff?
Speaker 3: I do?
Speaker 1: I know me too? Okay, okay, yeah yeah yeah. Do
Speaker 1: you have like a relationship? Have you gotten chatty? No?
Speaker 2: I only do it on my privacy browser and I
Speaker 2: won't give any of my information. But yeah, I asked.
Speaker 2: I ask personal questions and see what they say. They
Speaker 2: really do give good advice.
Speaker 3: They do well.
Speaker 1: Again, they're screening through every blog that I've ever written. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I giving advice based on all the stuff that many
Speaker 1: people in media who are reporting on relationships have already. Yeah,
Speaker 1: judgment free, you know, free exactly. But I kind of
Speaker 1: it's weird that they get chatty, I know, ask follow
Speaker 1: up questions like yeah, you just want them to just
Speaker 1: give you the information because you're not supposed to use
Speaker 1: it like a Google search, which I'll say, I'll say,
Speaker 1: get me the name of the study done out of
Speaker 1: UC Davis blah blah blah, and they'll go, oh, yes,
Speaker 1: that was a delightful study by doctor dah da DAA.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, don't get so chatty with me. Were
Speaker 1: friends and would you like me to summarize it for you,
Speaker 1: and no just needed the name. Okay, I know well.
Speaker 1: Plenty of people confide in their phones to the robots,
Speaker 1: and it does feel sometimes that these robots do get us,
Speaker 1: They remember our preferences. They often give us comforting replies.
Speaker 1: By the way, I've actually asked them for as a joke,
Speaker 1: relationship advice for my husband and I while he's they
Speaker 1: are watching and he's like, you're not really asking the
Speaker 1: bro I'm like, yes, I want to know how we
Speaker 1: get through this confract. I'll say I'm feeling a little
Speaker 1: bored with my husband, what should we do for excitement?
Speaker 1: And He'll be like, well, I can comment on a
Speaker 1: few things, but not much, and I should leave that
Speaker 1: up to the two of you. Right, It's like having
Speaker 1: a third person, like sitting there with you. Robots don't
Speaker 1: argue with you. It does feel like friendship, but to
Speaker 1: many people it feels even deeper. So here's a question.
Speaker 1: Can a relationship with artificial intelligence actually fulfill this very
Speaker 1: basic human need to belong? Now, first, let's talk about
Speaker 1: what belonging is. We know we have a hierarchy of needs.
Speaker 1: We need food, water, air, air. Let's start with the air. Air.
Speaker 1: Did you know you can live without air for what
Speaker 1: about thirty seconds? You can live without water for about
Speaker 1: three days. You can live without food for thirty days,
Speaker 1: just letting it. There's how the hierarchy goes. We also
Speaker 1: need shelter, we need warmth, and then we need at
Speaker 1: a certain point, belonging. It's a primal human drive. When
Speaker 1: we do not feel connected to others, when we feel
Speaker 1: left out, when we feel unloved, it hits our brain
Speaker 1: like a physical pain. It can affect our physical health,
Speaker 1: our mental well being, and even shorten our lifespan. I
Speaker 1: don't have to tell you, I've said it enough on
Speaker 1: this show. Loneliness has been shown to be as dangerous
Speaker 1: as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Right, we are social creatures.
Speaker 1: We are meant to be in a group. Our worst fear,
Speaker 1: let's go back to our ancient past when we were
Speaker 1: hunters and gatherers, would be to be exiled from the tribe,
Speaker 1: left alone in the wilderness to survive or not. Right, So,
Speaker 1: some people say that bots can actually replace or give
Speaker 1: at least some feeling of a sense of belonging. Now,
Speaker 1: this whole idea of sense of belonging was created by
Speaker 1: psychologists Baumeister and Leery, and they said there are two
Speaker 1: really big conditions that need to be met in order
Speaker 1: for someone to have a fulfilled sense of belonging. So
Speaker 1: now I want you to think about the robot when
Speaker 1: you think about these two conditions. One is frequent positive interactions. Well, yeah, chat, shept,
Speaker 1: We'll do that, frequent positive interactions. But wait. Number two,
Speaker 1: the relationships must be marked by stability and mutual emotional concern.
Speaker 1: You know, AI is intelligence, it's not emotional, right, it'll
Speaker 1: give you the illusion right that it's always available, it's
Speaker 1: not going to criticize you. It can feel really positive,
Speaker 1: but it really falls when it comes to stability and
Speaker 1: mutual emotional concern. Because real belonging, a real sense of belonging,
Speaker 1: involves mutual care. It means that somebody really values you
Speaker 1: and if you reached out, they would be there for you. Now,
Speaker 1: there is some research that we don't have many people
Speaker 1: in our circle who could actually fulfill that. But if
Speaker 1: you have at least two people in your life that
Speaker 1: you know you could call at three in the morning
Speaker 1: and say hey, I need your help, or you could
Speaker 1: call any day and say, hey, I need a ride
Speaker 1: to the airport. Right, No one wants to do that
Speaker 1: for anybody. But if someone will do that in your life,
Speaker 1: then you know that you have stability and mutual concern.
Speaker 1: So the question is is it dangerous? Is it wrong?
Speaker 1: Is it harmful to be chatting away with the chatbot?
Speaker 1: I'm telling you we all kind of do it a
Speaker 1: little bit, and for some people it really is a lifeline.
Speaker 1: Can ease anxiety, it can offer comfort, it can even
Speaker 1: soothe people. But you got to remember, if you're thirsty,
Speaker 1: you don't want to drink too much salt water, right,
Speaker 1: you want to drink fresh water. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: if you are addicted to the robot. May not even
Speaker 1: be addicted, but if your main emotional connection is to
Speaker 1: a robot. I never thought we'd be saying this, right.
Speaker 1: I heard years ago that, remember, China had the one
Speaker 1: child rule for years in the seventies or eighties. Now
Speaker 1: they're backtracking because a population is going down and girls
Speaker 1: aren't having babies. But sadly, I'm sorry to say, people
Speaker 1: were terminating female fetuses at a much higher rate, so
Speaker 1: they ended up with an oversupply of males. When you
Speaker 1: have an oversupply of males, in a culture, violence goes up.
Speaker 1: Didn't you see those cans on the beach and Barbie?
Speaker 1: They were fighting like crazy, right, And so China had
Speaker 1: introduced cloud girlfriends and there were operating stems that had
Speaker 1: seven hundred different boyfriends and they would learn their ways
Speaker 1: and whatever. I never thought would be this place here
Speaker 1: in America, but it's starting. So here's what I want
Speaker 1: you to do. Instead of saying hello to the robot,
Speaker 1: text a friend and simply say hey, I'm just thinking
Speaker 1: about you, just thinking about you, get a response from
Speaker 1: a real human. Join a group, any group, especially a
Speaker 1: group that meets regularly. I don't care if it's a
Speaker 1: fitness class, a garden club, a book club, a wine
Speaker 1: tasting group. I like that one. I used to go
Speaker 1: to a cooking class all the time. It was like
Speaker 1: recreational cooking, and I met so many people there. It
Speaker 1: was really fun. And practice being just a little bit
Speaker 1: more open in all your human conversations. Let people see
Speaker 1: more of you. Be a little vulnerable, Be a little honest,
Speaker 1: because remember, real intimacy isn't perfect. It is reciprocal, but
Speaker 1: it's human, right, It's messy, it involves risk. Be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: You can do this all right? When we come back.
Speaker 1: I was asked this week by a reporter to describe
Speaker 1: new relationship energy and whether it's good or bad. Look,
Speaker 1: if you're in a new relationship, I do not want
Speaker 1: to burst your bubble, but you're gonna want to listen
Speaker 1: to this when we come back. You're listening to Dodor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: K I Am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I'd
Speaker 1: like to welcome my TikTok audience. Hello, TikTok. How are you?
Speaker 1: If you guys want to come in the studio and
Speaker 1: you're a KFI listener, just log onto TikTok and look
Speaker 1: up at doctor Wendy Walsh. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: do these live streams is because after this segment, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be taking your calls. Now. What I've learned
Speaker 1: TikTok listeners is that when I type in the phone
Speaker 1: number onto TikTok, they either they disappear the COMMENTO. They
Speaker 1: don't disappear me, but they disappear the comment. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say it out loud a few times, and you
Speaker 1: guys might want to write it down. Maybe one of
Speaker 1: you could put it in the comments and see what happens.
Speaker 1: I don't know the numbers. One eight hundred and five
Speaker 1: two zero one five three four. After the segment, that's
Speaker 1: one eight hundred five two zero one KFI and I'll
Speaker 1: be answering your relationship questions. Okay, So this week I
Speaker 1: was asked by a reporter to define new relationship energy. Well,
Speaker 1: it's a lot like the honeymoon phase. I call new
Speaker 1: relationship energy that delicious beginning of a relationship. It's a
Speaker 1: slang term for something that psychologist Dorothy Toff once identified
Speaker 1: back in the seventies. She identified something called limerence. Limmerence
Speaker 1: is an emotional state that involves very intense feelings where
Speaker 1: you feel really infatuated with somebody. You can't get enough
Speaker 1: of them, to be with them all the time. You
Speaker 1: have a physiological response when you're with them or you're
Speaker 1: thinking about them. It could be in your stomach, the butterflies,
Speaker 1: et cetera. It's also filled with healthy delusions. There's tons
Speaker 1: of research on this. At the very beginning of a relationship,
Speaker 1: love is a drug, delicious drug. Okay. It is a
Speaker 1: cocktail of neuro hormones that feels so good. It is
Speaker 1: the best drug we have. If you are newly in love,
Speaker 1: I would never want to burst your bubble. However, when
Speaker 1: you're on that cocktail, you're not thinking too clearly and
Speaker 1: you can't, which is one of the reasons I always
Speaker 1: say you've got to introduce a perspective mate to your
Speaker 1: tribe pretty quickly because they'll weigh in with the truth
Speaker 1: at some point. Right, So, I know. The question that
Speaker 1: comes up a lot is how long does this drug last?
Speaker 1: How long does this new relationship energy last? And the
Speaker 1: answer is it It depends. It depends on frequency of
Speaker 1: contact and the kind of contact. So, if you're somebody
Speaker 1: who falls in love very quickly and you meet somebody
Speaker 1: new and you have sex very quickly, and you're talking
Speaker 1: or texting every single day, okay, that is going to
Speaker 1: crash and burn pretty quickly. Now, if you're somebody who's
Speaker 1: kind of a slow burn when it comes to love,
Speaker 1: you can actually have this state of Limerens last a
Speaker 1: lot longer. Now, people who have online only relationships, those
Speaker 1: digital relationships, we don't call those parasocial relationships. What will
Speaker 1: we call those? We should make up a name for those.
Speaker 1: Kayla is like, so, a parasocial relationship is one that
Speaker 1: you have with a celebrity or a social media person
Speaker 1: where it's not reciprocal. They don't really know who you are.
Speaker 1: They're not really giving back, but you have these strong
Speaker 1: feelings of attachment or love or attraction to them. That's
Speaker 1: a para social relationship. But what if there's a person
Speaker 1: on the other end of the keyboard and they're responding
Speaker 1: to you, but the relationship is mostly about your mutual projections,
Speaker 1: your project your fantasies of who each other really is. Right,
Speaker 1: That's why it's really important you get in the real
Speaker 1: world pretty quickly. But anyway, there's some people who have
Speaker 1: I didn't know you can do this. On TikTok. They
Speaker 1: put a cowboy hat and a mustache on me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm watching the live you have a must flash
Speaker 2: and a cow I don't I don't know what that is.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: Is that good?
Speaker 2: They're and that's nice? They like you, so I guess
Speaker 2: that's a good sign.
Speaker 1: Why don't you put a crown on me? And I
Speaker 1: feel more like a queen a cowboy hat and mustache.
Speaker 1: I like crowns. Anyway, going back to if you just
Speaker 1: have an only online digital relationship with somebody, you probably
Speaker 1: could stay in this state of limerens or honeymoon phase
Speaker 1: for a very very long time. Right now, there are
Speaker 1: some pros and cons to this honeymoon stage, the cocooning time.
Speaker 1: The biggest pro is that it's a very natural, very
Speaker 1: important step towards bonding, right to being able to eventually
Speaker 1: make a full commitment. And there's all kinds of neuroscience
Speaker 1: behind it. Right when two people meet and they're attracted
Speaker 1: to each other, there is, as I said, these neuro
Speaker 1: hormones that create this feeling of love. It's euphoric, it
Speaker 1: feels wonderful, and this is a crucial feeling to bringing
Speaker 1: people together. If they do eventually stay together for the
Speaker 1: long time, it's a time when they make some decisions,
Speaker 1: decisions to have sex, decisions to maybe be exclusive, decisions
Speaker 1: to introduce somebody to their friends and relatives. That's a
Speaker 1: pro right, and also it's important to remember it's not
Speaker 1: all fake. It's not all delusions because during this important
Speaker 1: limerence phase, you're doing a checklist of everything that's right
Speaker 1: and wonderful about this person. So then when your brainy
Speaker 1: it's used to the hormones and they don't work quite
Speaker 1: as strongly and everything starts to flatten out a bit.
Speaker 1: You can still remember all the good things. Now, the
Speaker 1: cons are some of it is fake. Right. You might
Speaker 1: misinterpret somebody's narcissism as self confidence. You might misinterpret somebody's
Speaker 1: anxious attachment style as passion and real love right because
Speaker 1: they're showing it's moving so quickly, right, And you might
Speaker 1: learn later that they have a completely dependent personality. You
Speaker 1: might meet somebody and you say, oh, I love that
Speaker 1: they're so artsy and they don't care. They're not materialistic,
Speaker 1: they don't care about our culture's need for money, and
Speaker 1: then you find out later it's because they're dependent on
Speaker 1: other people for money and they want yours. Right. So
Speaker 1: another con is that when you're in this drug like
Speaker 1: state new relationship energy, there is a risk that you
Speaker 1: could move way too fast and make some major life
Speaker 1: decisions that you shouldn't be making, like getting married too quickly,
Speaker 1: buying a house, or God forbid someone becoming pregnant, right,
Speaker 1: Because what happens is after it starts to die down,
Speaker 1: you peel the layers of the onion or the person
Speaker 1: and you start to see who they really are. So
Speaker 1: it's an important first step in bonding. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1: I would never want to burst somebody's bubble at the beginning.
Speaker 1: If I had any advice, I would say, within a
Speaker 1: few weeks, it's a good idea to get out of
Speaker 1: your cocoon and introduce this person to other people in
Speaker 1: your life and let them way in. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important. There was one guy I had limerens with
Speaker 1: for a few weeks, and so I invited him to
Speaker 1: dinner at my house and I invited a girlfriend over
Speaker 1: to have dinner, and after the evening she called me.
Speaker 1: She goes, that dude never even acknowledged me or looked
Speaker 1: at me all night. He was so rude, and I
Speaker 1: didn't even notice because he was so busy, like la
Speaker 1: la la, He's so great, and I was talking to
Speaker 1: him right all right. When we come back, I am
Speaker 1: going to begin taking your calls. If you would like
Speaker 1: to give me a call, I am live right now
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty, Los Angeles. We are in
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio station. The number is I can't post it on TikTok,
Speaker 1: so you gotta gotta memorize it. Say again, you commented twice.
Speaker 1: Producer Kayla comment it twice and the phone number should
Speaker 1: be there, which is one eight hundred five two zero
Speaker 1: one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. I am a psychology professor, not a therapist.
Speaker 1: I've written three books on relationships. I have a lot
Speaker 1: of life wisdom and I would love to weigh in
Speaker 1: on your love life. One eight hundred five two zero
Speaker 1: one five three four. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Now we are live
Speaker 1: on Instagram. If you would like to come in the studio,
Speaker 1: You're welcome to log onto Instagram and just search doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh and you can come on in the studio
Speaker 1: with us. The number is one eight hundred five to
Speaker 1: zero one KFI. I am ready to take your calls. Okay,
Speaker 1: producer Kayla. Who do we have? First? We have Greg
Speaker 1: with a question. Greg. Hi, Greg, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4: Hi, doctor Wendy. Can you hear me?
Speaker 1: I can? I can hear you perfectly?
Speaker 4: Okay, let me blow you away. First of all. First
Speaker 4: of all, I'll let you know I have to ask
Speaker 4: this fast because it pretty long. I haven't had sex
Speaker 4: in seventeen years.
Speaker 1: Oh, is it something you want?
Speaker 4: Choice?
Speaker 1: By choice?
Speaker 4: Okay, no, by choice? Okay, that's seventeen years. But it's
Speaker 4: a long story. Now I'm ready. I'm in the grove.
Speaker 4: And I went on to Facebook Dating and I got
Speaker 4: on there and I met like about ninety four women
Speaker 4: and they didn't pass my Yeah, they didn't pass my
Speaker 4: test because you know why, we're all hookers. I gave them.
Speaker 4: I gave them the test, and they were all hookers
Speaker 4: except for four of them. And the four that weren't hookers,
Speaker 4: they weren't my type. So you actually, wait.
Speaker 1: You went on Facebook dating, you connected with ninety four women,
Speaker 1: and you believe that ninety of them were sex workers
Speaker 1: and only four were actually regular women.
Speaker 4: Okay, because I do it, I do a certain test.
Speaker 4: I can tell. Okay, I asked some certain questions.
Speaker 1: Tell me one of your questions. I just want to
Speaker 1: say to the Instagram audience, if you want to hear
Speaker 1: both sides of the conversation, download the iHeartRadio app. Otherwise
Speaker 1: I repeat the question in my answer. Okay, Greg, tell
Speaker 1: me what question you ask women to determine if they're
Speaker 1: a sex worker or as you call it, a regular woman.
Speaker 4: First of all, what do they do for a living?
Speaker 1: Oh? What do you do? Oh?
Speaker 4: They tell you from a hooker? Is a hairstylist or
Speaker 4: a floor planner or some kind of job that it's
Speaker 4: not really you know, that much of a it's kind
Speaker 4: of a stretch.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Hairdresser. That's not a stretch. That's out
Speaker 1: of euphemism. There's a lot of hairdressers out there. Showplanner,
Speaker 1: I think showplanner. Yeah, I think Cayle is a showplanner.
Speaker 1: All right, Greg, So what's your question for me? Love?
Speaker 4: Okay? My question for you is, basically, I met, I
Speaker 4: got offline, and then I after about a year, I said, land,
Speaker 4: let me try online again. So I went back online,
Speaker 4: still met the same hookers about to get off again
Speaker 4: and met somebody and she said, oh man, I've been
Speaker 4: looking for somebody that looks like you forever. Then I
Speaker 4: gave it a test and she was actually a real person,
Speaker 4: and so then and I was very attractive to her,
Speaker 4: and vice versa. However, the thing is, I'm fifty eight
Speaker 4: and she is twenty nine, and I wanted to know
Speaker 4: if this would work. I know you'd probably have daddy
Speaker 4: issues of what it was.
Speaker 1: The one woman you met is twenty nine years old.
Speaker 1: You are fifty eight years old. You say you have
Speaker 1: not had sex and seventeen years, and now your question
Speaker 1: for me is will this work? Well, let's define work, Greg,
Speaker 1: What do you want to happen? What do you want
Speaker 1: to have happened here?
Speaker 4: Well, I actually i'd love to actually marry her if
Speaker 4: we get along and stuff like that. But the thing is,
Speaker 4: we haven't met yet.
Speaker 1: Oh you haven't met in the real world yet.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we've been. Yeah, we've had a regular relationship over
Speaker 4: the phone, talking and texting and stuff for like six months.
Speaker 1: Six months you've been texting and not met.
Speaker 4: Okay, does she live, because she lives. She lives a
Speaker 4: little whiles away from me because I'm hoping she lives.
Speaker 1: All Right, here's what I want to tell you, Greg.
Speaker 1: Here's I'm going to answer your question. There are no guarantees,
Speaker 1: and we must in order to find long term love,
Speaker 1: we must take risks, and that means we must meet.
Speaker 1: It's not like I can tell you, well, does she
Speaker 1: pass this and this and this? Okay, then that's somebody
Speaker 1: you can have a long term. Really, we don't know.
Speaker 1: You have to do it step by step by step,
Speaker 1: say open, stay positive, and stay kind, and I think
Speaker 1: you're going to be okay even if it turns out
Speaker 1: to be a short term relationship. Thank you for calling, Greg,
Speaker 1: and good luck to you. I hope it works out.
Speaker 1: When I say workout, I mean I hope you meet
Speaker 1: in the real world at least once. That's work out
Speaker 1: for me. All right, Producer, Kyla, who do we have next?
Speaker 2: We have Tanya with a comment?
Speaker 1: Okay, Hi, Tanya with a comment? Is doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5: Hi, doctor Wendy. So listen. A couple of weeks ago,
Speaker 5: I was listening to your show and you were talking
Speaker 5: about a couple when they're walking along of whether or
Speaker 5: not the man should welcome the outside. Oh oh, the
Speaker 5: sidewalk yield her from the car.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 5: So I'm driving Alohong a couple of days later after
Speaker 5: hearing your show, and I witnessed that exact thing. So
Speaker 5: I'm in my complex where I live, and I'm pulling
Speaker 5: down the little road and I witness see a couple
Speaker 5: ahead of me, a young couple, and they're holding hands.
Speaker 5: So as I approached them, he turns around and sees me.
Speaker 5: He immediately drops her hand and goes to the outside
Speaker 5: of her as if to shield her from my car.
Speaker 1: I love this.
Speaker 5: They go up the ways and they turn to the right.
Speaker 5: I followed them. I turned to the right and he
Speaker 5: does it again. He dropped her hand and he went
Speaker 5: to the outside of her as to shield her from
Speaker 5: my car. So I pulled it beside him, and I said,
Speaker 5: excuse me, I just witnessed what you did, and I'm
Speaker 5: so impressed with that. I said, I'm proud of you,
Speaker 5: you know. And I told a young girl, I said,
Speaker 5: you've got a good boyfriend there to do that for you.
Speaker 5: I'm doing Oh, Tanya wanted to tell you that I
Speaker 5: was so impressed.
Speaker 1: Thank you out of it and the great thing that
Speaker 1: you did is you rewarded the behavior?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: You complimented him on his behavior. Tanya's talking about that
Speaker 1: famous sidewalk rule I talked about a couple of weeks ago,
Speaker 1: where you know, historically men would walk on the outside
Speaker 1: near the traffic to protect a woman in her long
Speaker 1: dresses from you know, wild carriages and horses and mud
Speaker 1: and you know, horse poop that would fly up. And now, really,
Speaker 1: is there much a protection from an suv careening at you?
Speaker 1: Probably not, but it's still a nice gesture because women
Speaker 1: perceive protection from a man as a very attractive trait.
Speaker 1: So Tanya witnessed this young man doing it at she
Speaker 1: complimented him. Thank you so much, Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for doing that, Tanya. All right, I'm also going to
Speaker 1: be answering your social media questions. The number is one
Speaker 1: eight hundred five to zero one five three four. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to call one eight hundred five two zero
Speaker 1: one five three four. Let me go to my DMS
Speaker 1: and see what I got. Dear doctor Wendy, WHOA, this
Speaker 1: is a heavy one. My ex got a restraining order
Speaker 1: against me. It was many years ago. I was in
Speaker 1: my twenties and couldn't properly handle my emotions. I grew
Speaker 1: from this. I like to be honest about it. However,
Speaker 1: when I tell a woman whom I'm dating about my past,
Speaker 1: they pull away from me. I get ghosted, cut off, dumped.
Speaker 1: What can I do? You know what, dude, you are
Speaker 1: doing the right thing, and let me tell you this.
Speaker 1: You probably I don't know if you saw me propose
Speaker 1: on live radio to my now husband Julio, who has
Speaker 1: experienced incarceration in his life. Right, ten percent of American
Speaker 1: men will experience incarceration, and the vast majority are not
Speaker 1: violent criminals. It's not violent crimes. Many of them are
Speaker 1: experiencing from weed, which is now legal. Right, So I
Speaker 1: think you're doing the right thing. I'm going to ask
Speaker 1: that you probably meet them once without telling them the story,
Speaker 1: just for coffee, and then develop an emotional connection with them,
Speaker 1: not by text by phone calls, where you slowly start
Speaker 1: to disclose intimate things and they disclose intimate things about
Speaker 1: their life. And you know what I said to Julio
Speaker 1: on our very first coffee date is, hey, listen, we
Speaker 1: could sit here and brag about like how great we are,
Speaker 1: but why don't we start by talking about how undateable
Speaker 1: we are. So the stories came out very early, but
Speaker 1: for most people, you wait till you build a little
Speaker 1: bit of safety and then you say, hey, you know,
Speaker 1: let's share a story about something we're ashamed about that
Speaker 1: might have happened a long time ago. What you're trying
Speaker 1: to do is find a partner with empathy and understanding
Speaker 1: and don't be filled with shame continuously for this. I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry this is happening to you, all right, Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy. Guy, Oh, how's our time? Do we have
Speaker 1: to go to break? Oh? We have one minut quit
Speaker 1: if you'd like to call in the numbers one eight
Speaker 1: hundred and five two zero one five three four. Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy. A guy I'm dating is really bad at communicating, really?
Speaker 1: Or is he just a dude? Sorry? I told him
Speaker 1: I have an issue with this. He apologized and promised
Speaker 1: to do better. He did better for half a day
Speaker 1: and then got right back to his old ways. Is
Speaker 1: this something I should be patient with or should I
Speaker 1: walk away? I'm a huge issue with his lack of responses. Okay,
Speaker 1: So the research out there shows that if you dismiss somebody,
Speaker 1: give them the side treatment. That is the number one
Speaker 1: thing that leads to divorce in marriage or breakups if
Speaker 1: you're not married. And so, what's interesting is you said
Speaker 1: he did better for half a day and then stop.
Speaker 1: So he you know, how's the ability to write? It's
Speaker 1: not like he's not neurotypical, or is missing some social cues,
Speaker 1: or is just a big introvert. I think the conversation
Speaker 1: next should be about why can you help me? And
Speaker 1: not accusatory. You don't respond to me, and I don't
Speaker 1: like that. That's an issue for me. That's not going
Speaker 1: to make somebody open up. How about something like, you know,
Speaker 1: when I say something and then you don't respond, I
Speaker 1: feel kind of dismissed or abandoned. Can you help me
Speaker 1: understand what your intention is? That's what you say to
Speaker 1: start the conversation. You don't just get rid of them,
Speaker 1: all right, Dear doctor Wendy, How do I break the
Speaker 1: cycle of seeing my interest isn't treating me right? But
Speaker 1: my logic disappears when he calls and then we hook.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I get on cloud nine. He reminds
Speaker 1: me that he really doesn't like me. Should I go
Speaker 1: no contact? Let me tell you you're hurting yourself. And for
Speaker 1: some reason you want to give yourself this pain. I
Speaker 1: suggest you get a good licensed therapist who can help
Speaker 1: you understand the why behind it, because when you understand
Speaker 1: why you're giving yourself this gift of pain, then you'll
Speaker 1: be able to change. Yes, I would say, as your
Speaker 1: old auntie, go no contact, but that's only going to
Speaker 1: last until you meet another one who treats you that bad,
Speaker 1: and then you're gonna want him again. Right, You're gonna
Speaker 1: want that one too. You know, our model for love
Speaker 1: is formed very early in life, partly genetic and partly
Speaker 1: how we were treated by our primary caregivers in the
Speaker 1: first three years of life. And so love isn't about
Speaker 1: finding pleasure. Love isn't about finding happiness. Love is about
Speaker 1: finding the familiar, the familiar, and so your therapist will
Speaker 1: help you figure out what happened early in life to
Speaker 1: make you want to give this kind of pain to yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry this is happening to you, all right. When
Speaker 1: we come back, I'm going to continue to answer your
Speaker 1: social media questions and take your calls. The numbers one
Speaker 1: eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight
Speaker 1: hundred five two zero one five three four. You are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
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