WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.600 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.679 demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You 4 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.439 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor 5 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:14.320 Wendy Walsh Show. If you're new to the show. I 6 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:18.000 have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor 7 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:23.280 at California State University, Channel Islands Go Dolphins, and I'm 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:27.199 obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books 9 00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:31.800 on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory. Isn't it 10 00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:36.880 crazy that attachment theory is now like the new astrological sign? 11 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.200 Right producer Kayla, do you know that when you meet people, 12 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:42.679 they go do you know your attachment style? That does happen? 13 00:00:42.759 --> 00:00:45.000 Do you know what your attachment style is? I don't 14 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:47.799 want to say, oh oh oh, there we go, Brigida, 15 00:00:47.880 --> 00:00:49.439 do you know what your attachment style is? I think 16 00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:53.560 it's all the bad ones like ash is disorganized, a void. 17 00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:55.600 I don't know. Are you reading my journal, Brigida? I 18 00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:57.640 think it literally is though, like sometimes I read those 19 00:00:57.719 --> 00:00:59.280 quizzes and I'm like, but I'm all of the above 20 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:02.799 crazy across the board, you could be just sounds very disorganized. 21 00:01:03.159 --> 00:01:05.680 Uh And Raoul, do you know what your attachment style is? 22 00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:08.480 I have no idea. Okay, I think it's secure. I 23 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:10.640 can just tell by looking at you. Doesn't he look 24 00:01:10.680 --> 00:01:12.680 like a kind of guy who has a secure attachment style? 25 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:14.920 I mean, yeah, Raoul's shares some stories with me. He 26 00:01:14.920 --> 00:01:16.640 definitely knows what he deserves and walks away when he 27 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:18.799 when he feels less then, but he stays in it too, 28 00:01:18.879 --> 00:01:19.879 So I don't know what that means. 29 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:22.920 Oh, can you give and receive care comfortably? 30 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:23.400 Yeah? 31 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:24.319 Yeah, I think you're right. 32 00:01:24.359 --> 00:01:24.680 I am. 33 00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:28.200 I'm very secure, right, but you're not attracted to people 34 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:31.439 who are drama queens or well? Oh I saw yeahs 35 00:01:31.519 --> 00:01:35.280 on that one. I saw I was based on that one. Yeah, okay, 36 00:01:35.319 --> 00:01:38.519 Well we all have our cross to bear. Oh good theme. 37 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:43.319 It's Easter. Happy Easter. So when my kids were little, 38 00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:46.560 we celebrate. I was raised Catholic, so you know, we 39 00:01:46.599 --> 00:01:49.959 did the church mass, and we did the Easter egg hunt, 40 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:52.519 and we did the chocolates. And so this morning they 41 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:55.680 call me kids. They're twenty one and twenty six, about 42 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:58.959 to turn twenty two and twenty seven, and they go, Mom, 43 00:01:59.519 --> 00:02:01.879 what do we do doing for Easter? They call me 44 00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:05.319 and I say, I'm at Plate's, call me back later. 45 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:08.120 And then I said, why don't you go get me 46 00:02:08.199 --> 00:02:10.960 breakfast because I'm prepping my show and reading some studies here. 47 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.560 So they go to Noah's Bagels and they brought me 48 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:17.000 a bagel with eggs in it and a coffee egg 49 00:02:17.039 --> 00:02:19.680 and cheese or something. That was my Easter. You know, 50 00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:22.560 that's lovely. I did a lot of years of Easter 51 00:02:22.599 --> 00:02:25.520 egg hunts, the chocolates, the little fluffy dresses and all 52 00:02:25.560 --> 00:02:28.240 that stuff. It is, it is what it is when 53 00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:30.960 they hit a certain age. And my sweet Julio is 54 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:35.360 in Florida with his mom, sweet mom, getting her packed 55 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:38.080 up to help her move back to New York for 56 00:02:38.120 --> 00:02:40.879 the summer. So you know, we'll have to do celebrate 57 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:42.680 our new beginnings. But what I do like about the 58 00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:45.840 holiday of Easter and this season, I like the fact 59 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:47.800 my birthday's coming up in ten days. That's really what 60 00:02:47.879 --> 00:02:50.520 I like. But it always feels like new beginnings. I 61 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:53.560 loved garden, so I love things sprouting and growing, and 62 00:02:54.439 --> 00:02:56.319 you know, it's a time of new beginnings. So I'm 63 00:02:56.360 --> 00:03:00.280 optimistic about it. I want to talk a lot little 64 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.560 bit about romantic chemistry. People use the term, they throw 65 00:03:04.599 --> 00:03:06.639 it around all the time, like we didn't have chemistry, 66 00:03:06.960 --> 00:03:10.879 we didn't really have chemistry. And I know that sometimes 67 00:03:10.919 --> 00:03:14.400 when people use the term, they're talking about sexual chemistry, 68 00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:20.280 not necessarily romantic chemistry, right, Believe it or not, there's 69 00:03:20.439 --> 00:03:25.159 very little research on what romantic chemistry is until now 70 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:29.199 a new study out of York University in Toronto by 71 00:03:29.319 --> 00:03:34.879 Alexandra Leipman and her colleagues. They basically said, well, instead 72 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:36.879 of us looking from the outside to see if people 73 00:03:36.879 --> 00:03:40.719 had romantic chemistry, let's just do a survey and let's 74 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:47.360 ask people what is to them defines romantic chemistry. So 75 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.520 they came up with nine things. I'm going to start 76 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:52.759 at the bottom. Okay, the things that are least important. 77 00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:56.800 You're going to be pretty surprised. Only six percent of 78 00:03:56.840 --> 00:04:03.319 respondents said that physiologic having a physiological response around somebody 79 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:09.080 that includes butterflies in the stomach, nervousness, beating, heart exciting 80 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:12.199 around them, this is not romantic chemistry. Apparently, only six 81 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:16.839 percent of the people included that in their answers, but 82 00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:24.279 twenty four percent of the people included intense fixation feelings 83 00:04:24.279 --> 00:04:28.399 of intense focus with each other. We want to be 84 00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.240 with each other all the time. Now, this is a danger. 85 00:04:31.319 --> 00:04:33.560 By the way, if both people have an anxious attachment style, 86 00:04:33.560 --> 00:04:35.800 then they become enmeshed and nobody can remember whose problem 87 00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:39.199 is who's And yeah, you guys use the word codependent, 88 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:41.839 but that's not a real term. But anyway, it's enmeshed 89 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:44.839 and yeah, not good. But if you know, it feels 90 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:49.800 romantic to be fixated on somebody. Surprisingly, only twenty eight 91 00:04:49.839 --> 00:04:52.439 percent of the people who did the survey said sexual 92 00:04:52.439 --> 00:04:57.720 attraction was part of romantic chemistry. So if the couple 93 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:00.720 want to have the same wants and desig when it 94 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:05.120 comes to intimacy, they call that sexual attraction. Now Here, 95 00:05:05.160 --> 00:05:07.639 Now we're moving up on what's more important. To people 96 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:12.319 who participated in the study, thirty one percent called romantic 97 00:05:12.959 --> 00:05:19.600 chemistry an unexplainable spark. Well, that explains it. That explains it. 98 00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:26.519 An unexplainable spark. They called it magical and unexplainable. It 99 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:30.399 means that the other person has the same vibrations. I 100 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.519 don't know how do researchers study, how do we quantify that? 101 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:36.959 How can you figure it out? Okay? Moving up the scale, 102 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:41.000 thirty six percent were of sound mind when they answered 103 00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:45.040 this question, what does romantic chemistry mean to you? Thirty 104 00:05:45.079 --> 00:05:50.040 six percent said similarity feeling like my partner. We think alike, 105 00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:52.360 we act to light, we share a lot of common interests. 106 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:54.680 I've actually said this to my husband, Julio, I go, 107 00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:57.800 you know, the one thing of all the relationships I've 108 00:05:57.800 --> 00:05:59.720 had in my life. He hates it when I say this. Ah, 109 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:04.240 all of them short ones, the long ones, the tall ones. No, 110 00:06:04.680 --> 00:06:07.560 there were many relationships I've had in my life. He's 111 00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:11.319 the one that I share the most values with. Our 112 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:16.000 values are emphasis on what's important, like our kids come first. 113 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:20.480 Is the same, right? All right? Moving on up from similarity, 114 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:26.120 forty percent of the people say that romantic chemistry. What 115 00:06:26.199 --> 00:06:31.120 makes up a romantic cheistry is compatibility, feelings of togetherness. 116 00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:34.160 It means they match each other really well. So compatibility, 117 00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:38.959 though and similarity are pretty similar, right. But also compatibility 118 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:42.000 is more like we just get along, right, We're not 119 00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:45.000 sniping at each other. It's just like we kind of 120 00:06:45.240 --> 00:06:49.399 gel right. But I love what happens when we start 121 00:06:49.439 --> 00:06:52.040 to really move up the scale. Here the last three things. 122 00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:57.040 I think the researchers from York University are really onto something. Comfort. 123 00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:02.639 Forty one percent of people said romantic chemistry feels like comfort, 124 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:06.959 feeling at ease, getting to be yourself, finding it really 125 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:11.240 easy to communicate, not feeling negative, not being afraid to 126 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:15.120 share the most intimate parts of yourself, just being comfortable. 127 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.199 You know, I've always said this that when I've been 128 00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.639 in relationships that were friggin' roller coasters, a highs and 129 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:25.920 lows and ups and downs and pain and exhilaration and 130 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:30.319 everything in between, when you actually finally have a secure attachment, 131 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:36.279 it just feels like peace. It feels calm, it feels safe, 132 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:39.279 all right. The last two forty eight percent of the 133 00:07:39.319 --> 00:07:45.279 people said mutuality. I love this. Feelings of mutuality included 134 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:49.519 reciprocity and responsiveness. Okay, that means if you text somebody, 135 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:52.680 they text you back, you do something nice for them, 136 00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:57.000 they do something nice for you. That's called reciprocity. That 137 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:00.759 is romantic chemistry. But the number one thing, ding ding 138 00:08:00.839 --> 00:08:04.360 ding ding ding ning go the bell the number one 139 00:08:06.360 --> 00:08:09.439 definition of romantic chemistry that people put on their survey, 140 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:13.560 Sixty four percent of the people said it is positive interaction. 141 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:19.680 It included positive feelings, a sense of connection, just enjoying 142 00:08:19.800 --> 00:08:23.680 each other and feeling like you have a positive emotional 143 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:28.079 connection with them, So no more mystery. That's what romantic 144 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:34.759 chemistry is. Having a positive experience, being having reciprocity back 145 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:38.480 and forth, caring for each other, feeling safe and comfortable. 146 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:44.200 That's what it's about. Now. Another aspect, a very basic 147 00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:49.159 human need besides things like you know, food, shelter, warmth. 148 00:08:50.039 --> 00:08:54.639 Also on that list is something called belonging. We all 149 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:58.919 need to feel that we belong. Lately, some people who 150 00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:03.440 are living in kind of isolation, living alone, are using 151 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:08.960 chat bots chatbots, yeah, chat chept to try to have 152 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:11.039 a sense of belonging. So when we come back, I 153 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:12.639 want to talk about this. Do you think it's possible? 154 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:15.720 I don't know. I'll explain what a sense of belonging 155 00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:18.679 is and you can decide for yourself. You're listening to 156 00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:21.600 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty 157 00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:24.039 were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 158 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:28.600 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 159 00:09:28.840 --> 00:09:29.720 AM six forty. 160 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:32.639 Ok I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 161 00:09:32.679 --> 00:09:36.159 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Kayla, 162 00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:38.519 do you use chat cheapt for stuff? 163 00:09:38.679 --> 00:09:39.080 I do? 164 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:41.799 I know me too? Okay, okay, yeah yeah yeah. Do 165 00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:44.559 you have like a relationship? Have you gotten chatty? No? 166 00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:48.000 I only do it on my privacy browser and I 167 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:50.440 won't give any of my information. But yeah, I asked. 168 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:52.440 I ask personal questions and see what they say. They 169 00:09:52.480 --> 00:09:53.480 really do give good advice. 170 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:54.799 They do well. 171 00:09:54.840 --> 00:09:59.879 Again, they're screening through every blog that I've ever written. Yeah, 172 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:03.600 I giving advice based on all the stuff that many 173 00:10:03.720 --> 00:10:07.200 people in media who are reporting on relationships have already. Yeah, 174 00:10:07.320 --> 00:10:10.399 judgment free, you know, free exactly. But I kind of 175 00:10:10.440 --> 00:10:13.240 it's weird that they get chatty, I know, ask follow 176 00:10:13.320 --> 00:10:15.840 up questions like yeah, you just want them to just 177 00:10:15.919 --> 00:10:17.919 give you the information because you're not supposed to use 178 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:19.919 it like a Google search, which I'll say, I'll say, 179 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:22.480 get me the name of the study done out of 180 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:25.240 UC Davis blah blah blah, and they'll go, oh, yes, 181 00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:27.600 that was a delightful study by doctor dah da DAA. 182 00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:30.080 I'm like, okay, don't get so chatty with me. Were 183 00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:32.759 friends and would you like me to summarize it for you, 184 00:10:32.840 --> 00:10:36.960 and no just needed the name. Okay, I know well. 185 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:42.720 Plenty of people confide in their phones to the robots, 186 00:10:43.759 --> 00:10:47.399 and it does feel sometimes that these robots do get us, 187 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:53.360 They remember our preferences. They often give us comforting replies. 188 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:56.519 By the way, I've actually asked them for as a joke, 189 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:00.159 relationship advice for my husband and I while he's they 190 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:01.879 are watching and he's like, you're not really asking the 191 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:03.919 bro I'm like, yes, I want to know how we 192 00:11:03.960 --> 00:11:06.960 get through this confract. I'll say I'm feeling a little 193 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:09.080 bored with my husband, what should we do for excitement? 194 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:11.399 And He'll be like, well, I can comment on a 195 00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:13.240 few things, but not much, and I should leave that 196 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:16.559 up to the two of you. Right, It's like having 197 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:20.399 a third person, like sitting there with you. Robots don't 198 00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:25.159 argue with you. It does feel like friendship, but to 199 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:30.440 many people it feels even deeper. So here's a question. 200 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:36.120 Can a relationship with artificial intelligence actually fulfill this very 201 00:11:36.159 --> 00:11:40.279 basic human need to belong? Now, first, let's talk about 202 00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:45.159 what belonging is. We know we have a hierarchy of needs. 203 00:11:45.639 --> 00:11:50.039 We need food, water, air, air. Let's start with the air. Air. 204 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:52.960 Did you know you can live without air for what 205 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:56.440 about thirty seconds? You can live without water for about 206 00:11:56.840 --> 00:11:59.440 three days. You can live without food for thirty days, 207 00:11:59.480 --> 00:12:02.240 just letting it. There's how the hierarchy goes. We also 208 00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:06.639 need shelter, we need warmth, and then we need at 209 00:12:06.639 --> 00:12:13.080 a certain point, belonging. It's a primal human drive. When 210 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:15.720 we do not feel connected to others, when we feel 211 00:12:15.799 --> 00:12:19.600 left out, when we feel unloved, it hits our brain 212 00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:23.039 like a physical pain. It can affect our physical health, 213 00:12:23.480 --> 00:12:28.960 our mental well being, and even shorten our lifespan. I 214 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.559 don't have to tell you, I've said it enough on 215 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:33.919 this show. Loneliness has been shown to be as dangerous 216 00:12:34.159 --> 00:12:39.159 as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Right, we are social creatures. 217 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:42.039 We are meant to be in a group. Our worst fear, 218 00:12:42.279 --> 00:12:45.840 let's go back to our ancient past when we were 219 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:49.639 hunters and gatherers, would be to be exiled from the tribe, 220 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:55.639 left alone in the wilderness to survive or not. Right, So, 221 00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:03.399 some people say that bots can actually replace or give 222 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:06.519 at least some feeling of a sense of belonging. Now, 223 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:10.759 this whole idea of sense of belonging was created by 224 00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:14.480 psychologists Baumeister and Leery, and they said there are two 225 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.679 really big conditions that need to be met in order 226 00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:20.320 for someone to have a fulfilled sense of belonging. So 227 00:13:20.360 --> 00:13:22.080 now I want you to think about the robot when 228 00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:30.120 you think about these two conditions. One is frequent positive interactions. Well, yeah, chat, shept, 229 00:13:30.279 --> 00:13:36.120 We'll do that, frequent positive interactions. But wait. Number two, 230 00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:43.440 the relationships must be marked by stability and mutual emotional concern. 231 00:13:44.799 --> 00:13:50.080 You know, AI is intelligence, it's not emotional, right, it'll 232 00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:53.360 give you the illusion right that it's always available, it's 233 00:13:53.399 --> 00:13:57.480 not going to criticize you. It can feel really positive, 234 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:03.039 but it really falls when it comes to stability and 235 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:08.600 mutual emotional concern. Because real belonging, a real sense of belonging, 236 00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:13.720 involves mutual care. It means that somebody really values you 237 00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:17.200 and if you reached out, they would be there for you. Now, 238 00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:20.080 there is some research that we don't have many people 239 00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:22.879 in our circle who could actually fulfill that. But if 240 00:14:22.919 --> 00:14:25.720 you have at least two people in your life that 241 00:14:25.840 --> 00:14:28.240 you know you could call at three in the morning 242 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.519 and say hey, I need your help, or you could 243 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:33.960 call any day and say, hey, I need a ride 244 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:36.240 to the airport. Right, No one wants to do that 245 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:39.399 for anybody. But if someone will do that in your life, 246 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:44.320 then you know that you have stability and mutual concern. 247 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:49.639 So the question is is it dangerous? Is it wrong? 248 00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:52.440 Is it harmful to be chatting away with the chatbot? 249 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:55.080 I'm telling you we all kind of do it a 250 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:59.759 little bit, and for some people it really is a lifeline. 251 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:04.000 Can ease anxiety, it can offer comfort, it can even 252 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:10.320 soothe people. But you got to remember, if you're thirsty, 253 00:15:10.840 --> 00:15:13.120 you don't want to drink too much salt water, right, 254 00:15:13.159 --> 00:15:16.639 you want to drink fresh water. So let's talk about 255 00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:19.399 if you are addicted to the robot. May not even 256 00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:22.879 be addicted, but if your main emotional connection is to 257 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:25.440 a robot. I never thought we'd be saying this, right. 258 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:29.159 I heard years ago that, remember, China had the one 259 00:15:29.320 --> 00:15:32.000 child rule for years in the seventies or eighties. Now 260 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:34.240 they're backtracking because a population is going down and girls 261 00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:38.200 aren't having babies. But sadly, I'm sorry to say, people 262 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:42.200 were terminating female fetuses at a much higher rate, so 263 00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:45.039 they ended up with an oversupply of males. When you 264 00:15:45.080 --> 00:15:48.600 have an oversupply of males, in a culture, violence goes up. 265 00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:51.840 Didn't you see those cans on the beach and Barbie? 266 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:56.360 They were fighting like crazy, right, And so China had 267 00:15:56.399 --> 00:16:02.320 introduced cloud girlfriends and there were operating stems that had 268 00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:05.000 seven hundred different boyfriends and they would learn their ways 269 00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:08.320 and whatever. I never thought would be this place here 270 00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:11.120 in America, but it's starting. So here's what I want 271 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:14.000 you to do. Instead of saying hello to the robot, 272 00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:17.080 text a friend and simply say hey, I'm just thinking 273 00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:19.799 about you, just thinking about you, get a response from 274 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:23.399 a real human. Join a group, any group, especially a 275 00:16:23.399 --> 00:16:25.399 group that meets regularly. I don't care if it's a 276 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:28.440 fitness class, a garden club, a book club, a wine 277 00:16:28.440 --> 00:16:30.440 tasting group. I like that one. I used to go 278 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:32.480 to a cooking class all the time. It was like 279 00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:34.840 recreational cooking, and I met so many people there. It 280 00:16:34.879 --> 00:16:39.320 was really fun. And practice being just a little bit 281 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:43.279 more open in all your human conversations. Let people see 282 00:16:43.320 --> 00:16:47.360 more of you. Be a little vulnerable, Be a little honest, 283 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:53.639 because remember, real intimacy isn't perfect. It is reciprocal, but 284 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:58.919 it's human, right, It's messy, it involves risk. Be vulnerable. 285 00:16:59.559 --> 00:17:02.679 You can do this all right? When we come back. 286 00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:06.359 I was asked this week by a reporter to describe 287 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:11.279 new relationship energy and whether it's good or bad. Look, 288 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:13.319 if you're in a new relationship, I do not want 289 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:15.279 to burst your bubble, but you're gonna want to listen 290 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:17.119 to this when we come back. You're listening to Dodor 291 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.680 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live 292 00:17:19.799 --> 00:17:21.680 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 293 00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:27.000 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 294 00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:28.119 AM six forty. 295 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:31.960 K I Am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh 296 00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:34.319 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I'd 297 00:17:34.359 --> 00:17:37.400 like to welcome my TikTok audience. Hello, TikTok. How are you? 298 00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:39.240 If you guys want to come in the studio and 299 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:42.680 you're a KFI listener, just log onto TikTok and look 300 00:17:42.759 --> 00:17:45.319 up at doctor Wendy Walsh. And the reason why I 301 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:49.960 do these live streams is because after this segment, I'm 302 00:17:49.960 --> 00:17:52.079 going to be taking your calls. Now. What I've learned 303 00:17:52.400 --> 00:17:55.640 TikTok listeners is that when I type in the phone 304 00:17:55.720 --> 00:17:59.759 number onto TikTok, they either they disappear the COMMENTO. They 305 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:02.480 don't disappear me, but they disappear the comment. So I'm 306 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:04.319 gonna say it out loud a few times, and you 307 00:18:04.319 --> 00:18:05.799 guys might want to write it down. Maybe one of 308 00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:07.599 you could put it in the comments and see what happens. 309 00:18:07.640 --> 00:18:09.960 I don't know the numbers. One eight hundred and five 310 00:18:10.119 --> 00:18:14.559 two zero one five three four. After the segment, that's 311 00:18:14.599 --> 00:18:19.000 one eight hundred five two zero one KFI and I'll 312 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:21.880 be answering your relationship questions. Okay, So this week I 313 00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:29.279 was asked by a reporter to define new relationship energy. Well, 314 00:18:29.480 --> 00:18:32.119 it's a lot like the honeymoon phase. I call new 315 00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:38.279 relationship energy that delicious beginning of a relationship. It's a 316 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:43.440 slang term for something that psychologist Dorothy Toff once identified 317 00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:49.000 back in the seventies. She identified something called limerence. Limmerence 318 00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:55.519 is an emotional state that involves very intense feelings where 319 00:18:55.559 --> 00:18:59.400 you feel really infatuated with somebody. You can't get enough 320 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:01.799 of them, to be with them all the time. You 321 00:19:01.880 --> 00:19:04.720 have a physiological response when you're with them or you're 322 00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:07.200 thinking about them. It could be in your stomach, the butterflies, 323 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:14.480 et cetera. It's also filled with healthy delusions. There's tons 324 00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:18.480 of research on this. At the very beginning of a relationship, 325 00:19:19.319 --> 00:19:22.480 love is a drug, delicious drug. Okay. It is a 326 00:19:22.599 --> 00:19:26.319 cocktail of neuro hormones that feels so good. It is 327 00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:29.160 the best drug we have. If you are newly in love, 328 00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:32.880 I would never want to burst your bubble. However, when 329 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:36.279 you're on that cocktail, you're not thinking too clearly and 330 00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:38.920 you can't, which is one of the reasons I always 331 00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:42.559 say you've got to introduce a perspective mate to your 332 00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:47.400 tribe pretty quickly because they'll weigh in with the truth 333 00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:51.880 at some point. Right, So, I know. The question that 334 00:19:51.960 --> 00:19:55.799 comes up a lot is how long does this drug last? 335 00:19:55.839 --> 00:19:59.200 How long does this new relationship energy last? And the 336 00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:03.039 answer is it It depends. It depends on frequency of 337 00:20:03.079 --> 00:20:07.279 contact and the kind of contact. So, if you're somebody 338 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:10.319 who falls in love very quickly and you meet somebody 339 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:14.119 new and you have sex very quickly, and you're talking 340 00:20:14.200 --> 00:20:18.880 or texting every single day, okay, that is going to 341 00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:22.559 crash and burn pretty quickly. Now, if you're somebody who's 342 00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:24.880 kind of a slow burn when it comes to love, 343 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:28.599 you can actually have this state of Limerens last a 344 00:20:28.599 --> 00:20:33.160 lot longer. Now, people who have online only relationships, those 345 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:37.680 digital relationships, we don't call those parasocial relationships. What will 346 00:20:37.720 --> 00:20:39.720 we call those? We should make up a name for those. 347 00:20:40.240 --> 00:20:43.240 Kayla is like, so, a parasocial relationship is one that 348 00:20:43.279 --> 00:20:46.559 you have with a celebrity or a social media person 349 00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:49.440 where it's not reciprocal. They don't really know who you are. 350 00:20:49.480 --> 00:20:51.720 They're not really giving back, but you have these strong 351 00:20:51.799 --> 00:20:57.319 feelings of attachment or love or attraction to them. That's 352 00:20:57.359 --> 00:21:00.319 a para social relationship. But what if there's a person 353 00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:03.000 on the other end of the keyboard and they're responding 354 00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.559 to you, but the relationship is mostly about your mutual projections, 355 00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:11.039 your project your fantasies of who each other really is. Right, 356 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:13.160 That's why it's really important you get in the real 357 00:21:13.160 --> 00:21:16.559 world pretty quickly. But anyway, there's some people who have 358 00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:19.640 I didn't know you can do this. On TikTok. They 359 00:21:19.640 --> 00:21:21.319 put a cowboy hat and a mustache on me. 360 00:21:21.559 --> 00:21:24.559 Yeah, I'm watching the live you have a must flash 361 00:21:24.599 --> 00:21:26.440 and a cow I don't I don't know what that is. 362 00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:27.000 I don't know. 363 00:21:27.119 --> 00:21:27.519 Is that good? 364 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:31.839 They're and that's nice? They like you, so I guess 365 00:21:31.960 --> 00:21:32.640 that's a good sign. 366 00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:33.920 Why don't you put a crown on me? And I 367 00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:37.079 feel more like a queen a cowboy hat and mustache. 368 00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:39.960 I like crowns. Anyway, going back to if you just 369 00:21:40.039 --> 00:21:44.160 have an only online digital relationship with somebody, you probably 370 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.920 could stay in this state of limerens or honeymoon phase 371 00:21:49.240 --> 00:21:53.000 for a very very long time. Right now, there are 372 00:21:54.279 --> 00:21:59.319 some pros and cons to this honeymoon stage, the cocooning time. 373 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:04.079 The biggest pro is that it's a very natural, very 374 00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:07.680 important step towards bonding, right to being able to eventually 375 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:11.000 make a full commitment. And there's all kinds of neuroscience 376 00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:14.519 behind it. Right when two people meet and they're attracted 377 00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:17.680 to each other, there is, as I said, these neuro 378 00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:22.839 hormones that create this feeling of love. It's euphoric, it 379 00:22:23.160 --> 00:22:28.240 feels wonderful, and this is a crucial feeling to bringing 380 00:22:28.279 --> 00:22:31.039 people together. If they do eventually stay together for the 381 00:22:31.079 --> 00:22:34.920 long time, it's a time when they make some decisions, 382 00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:39.480 decisions to have sex, decisions to maybe be exclusive, decisions 383 00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:44.319 to introduce somebody to their friends and relatives. That's a 384 00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:48.319 pro right, and also it's important to remember it's not 385 00:22:48.400 --> 00:22:52.039 all fake. It's not all delusions because during this important 386 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:55.920 limerence phase, you're doing a checklist of everything that's right 387 00:22:56.079 --> 00:23:00.079 and wonderful about this person. So then when your brainy 388 00:23:00.119 --> 00:23:02.440 it's used to the hormones and they don't work quite 389 00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:06.160 as strongly and everything starts to flatten out a bit. 390 00:23:06.599 --> 00:23:11.279 You can still remember all the good things. Now, the 391 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:14.559 cons are some of it is fake. Right. You might 392 00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:21.880 misinterpret somebody's narcissism as self confidence. You might misinterpret somebody's 393 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:26.759 anxious attachment style as passion and real love right because 394 00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:30.960 they're showing it's moving so quickly, right, And you might 395 00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:33.799 learn later that they have a completely dependent personality. You 396 00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:35.920 might meet somebody and you say, oh, I love that 397 00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:40.039 they're so artsy and they don't care. They're not materialistic, 398 00:23:40.119 --> 00:23:43.680 they don't care about our culture's need for money, and 399 00:23:43.720 --> 00:23:45.559 then you find out later it's because they're dependent on 400 00:23:45.599 --> 00:23:48.680 other people for money and they want yours. Right. So 401 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:52.640