WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.480 It was nearly eleven thirty when I finally stopped pretending 2 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:10.279 to read and glanced at the clock again. I've been 3 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:12.960 holding my phone for an hour, thumb hovering as if 4 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:15.960 I might send Jason a text, Hey, hope you're winning, 5 00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:19.760 but it stayed locked cold in my hand. My back 6 00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:22.760 hurt from half sitting half lying on the couch, but 7 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:25.359 I didn't want to go to bed yet. Somehow it 8 00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:28.199 felt wrong to fall asleep before he got home, though 9 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:30.399 I told myself I was just waiting up to hear 10 00:00:30.440 --> 00:00:34.320 about his night. I pictured him head thrown back with 11 00:00:34.439 --> 00:00:37.280 laughter and the noise of the bar, a pint in hand, 12 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:41.880 the neon Wednesday Trivia signed buzzing above the crowd, his 13 00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:45.560 kneaded down time. That as what he started calling it 14 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:49.359 when he insisted trivia nights should be his. Our apartment 15 00:00:49.479 --> 00:00:52.079 was so quiet I could hear the fridge cycle. There 16 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:54.960 was some distant traffic on the street, the occasional shout 17 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.920 of drunks outside the taco place. I idly scrolled through Instagram, 18 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:03.520 out of habit, my thumb, flicking images past memes, travel photos, 19 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:06.480 a friend's new dog in a sweater. Then I saw 20 00:01:06.519 --> 00:01:10.000 someone's story a group selfie at the Green Horse, our 21 00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:13.159 usual crew at trivia, but I hadn't been invited in ages, 22 00:01:13.439 --> 00:01:16.400 not since Jason explained it was just the guise, a 23 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:19.719 way to decompress. But there were women in the photo, 24 00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:24.040 not just girl friends tagging along, but someone I didn't recognize. 25 00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:27.560 And in the background, fuzzy through the bar's colored lights, 26 00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:30.519 was Jason at a two top, turned toward a woman 27 00:01:30.599 --> 00:01:33.239 with dark hair who was mid laugh at something he'd said. 28 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:37.799 Jason's face was lit up, eyes crinkling, vivid in a 29 00:01:37.799 --> 00:01:41.159 way I hadn't seen at home for months. I couldn't 30 00:01:41.159 --> 00:01:45.480 stop looking at the way he was smiling, unguarded, almost goofy, 31 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.519 a version of him that used to be ours, not 32 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:51.599 something I saw from a distance in someone else's story. 33 00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:54.519 I tried to wave it away as a trick of 34 00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:57.680 the camera or a random moment. That pit in my 35 00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:00.879 stomach was just tiredness, the kind that comes when you 36 00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:04.159 stare at your phone too long. I didn't dare click 37 00:02:04.159 --> 00:02:07.000 her profile, just in case it registered as a view, 38 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:10.719 and afterward I scrolled too fast, as though I could 39 00:02:10.759 --> 00:02:14.800 blur the memory. A little after midnight, keys clinked at 40 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:18.080 the door. I shut my eyes, feigning a half doze. 41 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:21.759 Jason's footsteps sounded lighter than usual, or maybe I was 42 00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:25.479 just HyperWare tabulating every sound. He looked in on me, 43 00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:28.719 then set his backpack down quietly and sat beside my 44 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.479 feet on the couch. He still smelled like the city beer, 45 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:37.039 old wood, something faintly floral. He leaned down and kissed 46 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:39.719 me on the forehead, not the lips, like someone comforting 47 00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:43.280 a sibling after a hard day. Sorry, I'm late, trivia 48 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:46.599 went long. His hands squeezed my ankle through the blanket, 49 00:02:46.759 --> 00:02:49.360 but he didn't meet my gaze. I didn't mention the photo. 50 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:51.800 I didn't ask who he'd spent so long talking to, 51 00:02:52.199 --> 00:02:55.240 or why guy's night now had so many unfamiliar faces. 52 00:02:55.560 --> 00:02:58.400 I just murmured, glad you had fun, then let him 53 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:01.039 disappear to the bathroom. Each of us cloaked in our 54 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:05.439 separate silences. When Jason came back out, he was already 55 00:03:05.479 --> 00:03:09.319 scrolling his phone, dim blue light reflecting off his glasses. 56 00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:13.039 He kissed my cheek and headed for bed, pausing only 57 00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:15.919 to mumble a good night. I told myself that there 58 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:19.680 were a hundred good reasons for that smile, that unfamiliar 59 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.199 woman for the vague sense that the edges of my 60 00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:26.400 world had shifted while I wasn't looking. I told myself 61 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:29.680 I was being dramatic. Then lay awake for a long time, 62 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:33.080 listening to water drips slowly in the pipes and wondering 63 00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:37.120 why my own home suddenly felt borrowed. It's not like 64 00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:40.000 I ever believed we were immune to boredom or routine. 65 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:42.759 When I think of how we started, it's still there, 66 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:46.639 the passionate, improbable rush of it all. I met Jason 67 00:03:46.680 --> 00:03:48.800 at one of those roof top parties where you know 68 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:52.479 no one except the friend who drags you because everyone's going. 69 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:55.960 I nearly left after the first hour. I was making 70 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:59.039 awkward conversation near the cheese board when he offered me 71 00:03:59.080 --> 00:04:02.639 a drink and made some dry joke about free emergencies. 72 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:06.520 He'd moved to the city only a year before, still 73 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.319 clinging to a battered tote bag from his last job 74 00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:15.400 in Boston. Unuronically enthusiastic about the subway. We clicked immediately 75 00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:18.040 over music. He bet me I couldn't name the artist 76 00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:21.399 playing through the bartender's bluetooth speaker, and I told him 77 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:23.959 I could. But the real trick was getting it to 78 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:27.720 play something less derivative. He hadn't heard that word used 79 00:04:27.720 --> 00:04:31.319 in earnest. We wandered out to the balcony to compare playlists, 80 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:35.160 then didn't move for hours. I always remembered that he listened, 81 00:04:35.519 --> 00:04:38.720 actually listened, not just waiting for his turn to speak. 82 00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:41.680 By the end of the night, he slipped me his 83 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:46.319 number on a napkin, wrote for the playlist, not the cheese. 84 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:48.920 He was confident in a way that didn't feel arrogant, 85 00:04:49.160 --> 00:04:52.360 just grounded. I loved that, the way he could diffuse 86 00:04:52.439 --> 00:04:55.480 tension with a look, the way he told stories at parties, 87 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:59.079 his ability to make everyone, even my prickly cousin Joe, 88 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:02.600 feel seen. When we started dating, it was just easy. 89 00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:05.600 I'd worked my way up in marketing and was always 90 00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:08.720 the pragmatic planner. But when Jason suggested a one a 91 00:05:08.959 --> 00:05:11.720 m walk or buying trained tickets to see a band 92 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:15.360 on a whim, I'd do it. We mixed friend groups 93 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:19.199 through dinner parties in our tiny first apartment, stayed out 94 00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:23.360 too late on Thursdays just because we could. Both of 95 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:27.560 us had ambitions. Jason was always chasing a promotion, first 96 00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:31.120 in engineering and then consulting. I could rely on him 97 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:34.720 to run spreadsheets, swearing at Excel under his breath while 98 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:38.360 I worried over word choices for presentations. When we moved 99 00:05:38.360 --> 00:05:41.959 to this new loft, a real sunlit place instead of 100 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:45.240 the shoe box apartment with the broken windows, it felt 101 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.920 like proof we were doing something right. We hosted our 102 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:52.600 friends for cozy sundays, splurged on a new couch, let 103 00:05:52.600 --> 00:05:55.879 ourselves dream a little bigger. Our feed was full of 104 00:05:55.959 --> 00:06:00.319 city hikes, impulsive road trips, absurd local festivals where we 105 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:04.160 made up team names and lost anyway. In the last 106 00:06:04.199 --> 00:06:08.480 eight months, things shifted. Jason's job got intense, his phone 107 00:06:08.519 --> 00:06:11.240 glued to his hand at dinner. I started covering for 108 00:06:11.319 --> 00:06:14.879 him when he ghosted on plans, blaming quarterly reviews or 109 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:19.600 the impossible client. Fewer inside jokes, more Netflix shows paused 110 00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:22.800 because one of us was answering email. We still had sex, 111 00:06:23.079 --> 00:06:26.639 sometimes out of habit, sometimes to try and recapture something, 112 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:30.160 but the frequency in those stolen moments sparks faded behind 113 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:34.000 the constant churn of just keeping up. He started trivia 114 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:37.000 nights in our second year together, away to see friends 115 00:06:37.240 --> 00:06:41.040 play at being competitive. Gripe about the week I'd loved going, 116 00:06:41.319 --> 00:06:44.199 even if I was useless at history categories and only 117 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:47.920 showed off during music rounds. But then, somewhere, just after 118 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:51.160 his thirty fourth birthday, Jason said he needed something that 119 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:54.439 was just his, that trivia was a pressure valve, not 120 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:57.759 a date night. I laughed, pretending I didn't hear the 121 00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:01.519 edge in his voice, said it sounded healthy. He told 122 00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:04.759 me to use those nights for self care book club. Meantime, 123 00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:07.839 I joked, I didn't know what that looked like any more. 124 00:07:08.199 --> 00:07:11.800 He only half smiled For a while. I chalked it 125 00:07:11.879 --> 00:07:15.519 up to growing pains. We were both tired, working hard, 126 00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:18.720 settling into some image of what adults in their thirties 127 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:21.199 were supposed to look like. I didn't want to be 128 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:25.160 jealous or needy. I told myself that real trust meant 129 00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:28.759 not second guessing every shift in mood, that couples survived 130 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:33.000 by respecting each other's space. But even then, part of 131 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:36.000 me noticed the way he stopped asking about my projects, 132 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:38.759 how he'd withdraw when I wanted to talk about our 133 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:42.959 next trip, how he claimed exhaustion after dinner, disappearing into 134 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:46.920 podcasts and sports recaps. It's hard to put a time 135 00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:49.639 lene on how doubt creeps in. It's more a series 136 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:53.000 of moments that stick, like the crumpled receipt I found 137 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:55.639 in his jacket, the one he'd tossed over the armrest, 138 00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:58.639 after dropping his work bag on the floor. I was 139 00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:02.199 picking up laundry, one of those dumb, annoying habits I 140 00:08:02.199 --> 00:08:05.199 could recite in my sleep, gathering his stuff into the 141 00:08:05.240 --> 00:08:08.560 mound i'd later deposit by our bed. When I saw 142 00:08:08.600 --> 00:08:12.040 the strip of paper from Lo Fi Wine, it didn't 143 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:14.720 register at first, but then I glanced at the date, 144 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:18.680 a Thursday night trivia night. It listed a sixty eight 145 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:22.399 dollars bottle, something we never splurged on unless friends were over, 146 00:08:22.759 --> 00:08:25.519 and usually then as a joke. There hadn't been any 147 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:28.639 new bottle at home. In fact, we'd half emptied a 148 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:31.680 box of pino the next evening. While half watching the 149 00:08:31.720 --> 00:08:35.879 Wire reruns, I tried to recall if Jason had mentioned 150 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:38.559 an office gift, or maybe a bar tab that got 151 00:08:38.600 --> 00:08:41.480 out of hand. I scrolled through our group chat for 152 00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:43.919 the Green Horse to see if anyone had joked about 153 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:47.320 fancy wine, but the only mention was a blurry shot 154 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.919 of a half empty bottle behind the bar in some 155 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.399 one's background. I left the receipt in the side pocket, 156 00:08:53.720 --> 00:08:57.000 not sure why, then felt foolish for not just asking. 157 00:08:58.120 --> 00:09:01.000 Later that week, I overheard Jason on it. He was 158 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:04.320 in the kitchen pacing in socks, voice hushed. As soon 159 00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:06.879 as I stepped in to refill my glass. He stopped 160 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:10.200 mid sentence, turned away, and muttered, no, no, it's fine, 161 00:09:10.279 --> 00:09:12.840 I'll ping you from work. Got a run. When I 162 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:16.279 asked who it was, he said, work, check in God, Sorry, 163 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:19.600 it's always something lately, then flashed a tight smile and 164 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:24.159 started clearing plates. Elbows Jittery, I tried to tell myself 165 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:26.879 I was reading into it, but nerves hummed in my 166 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:31.440 own chest all evening. Maybe it was innocent, a bonus 167 00:09:31.440 --> 00:09:34.600 for someone, a birthday gift for the trivia host, or 168 00:09:34.600 --> 00:09:38.440 some office trivia pool. Maybe I thought he was planning 169 00:09:38.440 --> 00:09:41.240 a surprise and I was ruining it with my jumpy 170 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:45.600 questions and lack of trust. I replayed the conversation, each 171 00:09:45.720 --> 00:09:48.399 word in my head like a puzzle piece that refused 172 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:52.759 to fit. The chasm between us grew quietly. I didn't 173 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.679 mention the photo or the receipt. Instead, I compensated in 174 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:59.919 the only way I knew offering to cook dinner, suggest 175 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:04.039 movie nights, leaving notes in his work bag. He responded 176 00:10:04.039 --> 00:10:07.320 with a distracted warmth, quick pecks on the cheek, a 177 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:11.879 hand on my shoulder as he raced to yet another meeting. Eventually, 178 00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:14.639 the weight got too heavy to ignore. I asked Liz, 179 00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:17.320 who'd known us both since college, how trivia was going. 180 00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:20.759 She hesitated before answering, her voice shifting on the phone. 181 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.879 He's been in his own world, she said, Honestly, I 182 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:27.360 barely see him when I go, like he's there, but 183 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:30.159 not there, you know, she quickly added, not in a 184 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:33.039 bad way, just you know, maybe he's tired. Long week. 185 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:36.919 It was careful the way she said it, as if 186 00:10:36.960 --> 00:10:39.759 she knew there was more beneath, but wasn't sure how 187 00:10:39.840 --> 00:10:43.519 much she was supposed to share. Mark was less cautious 188 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:46.879 when I caught him at a cafe. Honestly, Jason's missed 189 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:50.000 a few rounds, shows up late, sometimes leaves before we 190 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:53.320 even finish, he says, works nuts, but he usually splits 191 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:55.879 before we get more drinks. You sure he's all right, 192 00:10:56.240 --> 00:10:58.679 I smiled, gave some canned answer, but it clicked in 193 00:10:58.759 --> 00:11:01.840 my head. Jason had always talked about post trivia hangs 194 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:04.480 how he needed to catch up with friends after the quiz, 195 00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:07.639 but now he was there alone, dipping in and out. 196 00:11:08.679 --> 00:11:11.519 The next logical step, though it made me feel gross, 197 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:15.879 was checking our online statements, our joint card, where he 198 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:20.120 charged everything from groceries to euba rides. I told myself 199 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:22.159 it was just to see where he was eating, or 200 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:25.240 if he was splurging on dinners by himself. That was 201 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:29.559 the excuse I needed. Scrolling through the pattern, jumped out 202 00:11:29.960 --> 00:11:32.600 every trivia night a ride to the Green Horse, but 203 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:36.000 never returned from there. Instead, the drop off was listed 204 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:39.039 at and addressed ten blocks north, not on our regular circuit. 205 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:42.840 A wine bar, once, a bakery after midnight, a strange 206 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:45.840 park in the West End. Sometimes the ride stopped at 207 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:49.679 a street I didn't recognize. The charges weren't outrageous dollar 208 00:11:49.720 --> 00:11:53.360 fourteen here, nine dollars there, But the destinations weren't the bar, 209 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:57.159 weren't home, weren't anywhere I knew him to go. I 210 00:11:57.240 --> 00:11:59.720 brought it up half joking as I slid my laptop, 211 00:11:59.759 --> 00:12:02.879 clothes us you taking the scenic route home. Lately, I 212 00:12:02.960 --> 00:12:06.240 keep seeing you, but charges to weird places, new hangouts. 213 00:12:06.519 --> 00:12:09.120 I tried to make my voice casual, but Jason stilled 214 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.159 fork half way to his mouth. Work espen brutal. Sometimes 215 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:15.320 I drop by a coffee shop if I work late, 216 00:12:15.519 --> 00:12:17.639 or I need to clear my head before coming home. 217 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:21.279 It's boring but true. What are you checking up on me? 218 00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:25.000 He laughed, But it wasn't real. I tried to match 219 00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:29.360 his tone, waving it off, just nosy accountant stuff. His 220 00:12:29.440 --> 00:12:33.519 smile lingered only until his phone buzzed after he left 221 00:12:33.559 --> 00:12:37.679 for work. My curiosity spiked. I scoured the Green Horse's Instagram, 222 00:12:37.759 --> 00:12:40.840 flipping through trivia night posts. There was Jason at the 223 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:43.960 end of the bar, hunched over answer sheets, drink in hand, 224 00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:47.720 not alone, always with the same woman from the earlier story, 225 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:51.440 seated together, once sharing ear buds, another time, heads bent 226 00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:55.000 together over a phone. Sometimes she was tagged, sometimes not. 227 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:58.519 Her name when it appeared was just Ray or Rachel. 228 00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:03.799 Always in other people captions. Jason never mentioned her, never 229 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:07.679 told stories about her the way he did about other friends. 230 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:11.240 The familiar ache started creeping in the one that bubbles 231 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:14.519 below logic. Was he confiding in her talking about work? 232 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.679 About me? Every one said men just needed space that 233 00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:20.240 you shouldn't snoop or crowd but I didn't know how 234 00:13:20.279 --> 00:13:22.519 to do nothing. I brought it up to Tara, my 235 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:26.720 oldest friend, over gin and tonics in a small living room. Tara, 236 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:30.039 always blunt, raised an eyebrow. Couldn't he just be making 237 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:33.799 new friends? She said, you said yourself, you drifted on trivia. 238 00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:39.639 Maybe you've both got new routines. Don't borrow trouble. I nodded, 239 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.240 embarrassed by my own suspicions, but the facts festered. By 240 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:45.600 the next Thursday, I couldn't take it. Made up my 241 00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:47.679 mind to see for myself what he was like when 242 00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:50.879 I wasn't there. I texted him midday, might swing by 243 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:54.519 just for the music round, trying to sound breezy. He replied, 244 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:57.720 long day, might just keep it low key if you want, 245 00:13:57.799 --> 00:14:01.559 but don't feel obligated. Maybe was nothing, but the words 246 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:05.039 read as if he was bracing himself. I walked into 247 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:08.879 the Green Horse alone, stomach churning. The place was familiar, 248 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:13.399 sticky flaws, laughter, the pinball machines, endless beeping, but I 249 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:15.639 felt out of place for the first time in years. 250 00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:18.799 Jason saw me near the door, and his face froze 251 00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:22.039 for a second before stretching into a smile. He made 252 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:26.080 his way over, arms crossed casually, but his movements seemed 253 00:14:26.120 --> 00:14:30.639 tight rehearsed. Hey didn't expect you, he said, quick, squeezing 254 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.840 my shoulder and introducing me to few faces around. When 255 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.039 I asked about the rest of the group, he deflected, 256 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:39.879 like crowd to night, we might bail early. The woman 257 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:42.559 from the photos Rachel, I guessed, was at the bar 258 00:14:42.759 --> 00:14:46.559 scrolling her phone. Jason didn't introduce us. When our eyes 259 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:50.399 met briefly, she smiled, polite but distant, then turned away. 260 00:14:51.480 --> 00:14:54.960 For the first hour, Jason fidgeted through the rounds, checking 261 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.720 his phone, glancing at the door, pulling away. When I 262 00:14:57.799 --> 00:15:01.159 leaned in to whisper and answer, I excused myself before 263 00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:03.879 the last set, inventing a work call I needed to 264 00:15:03.879 --> 00:15:08.320 prepare for tomorrow. Jason only half protested, then ducked out 265 00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:11.000 to talk to the bartender after I left. As I 266 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.559 walked home, my cheeks burned with the shame of overstepping, 267 00:15:14.799 --> 00:15:19.200 of appearing, clinging, of wanting too much. But beneath it all, 268 00:15:19.519 --> 00:15:24.039 something cold and harder blossomed, an instinct I'd learned to mistrust, 269 00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:27.759 the certainty that there was something I was missing. I 270 00:15:27.799 --> 00:15:31.399 didn't sleep much that night. Instead, I replayed every detail, 271 00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:35.080 the receipt, the photos, the weird euber drop offs, the 272 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:38.919 flashes of affection that now felt wantingly rare. I checked 273 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:42.799 Rachel's social media, but her profiles were private. Her posts 274 00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:46.120 were mostly group shots at various local events, always with 275 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:50.360 hashtags for night life, but nothing overt, no obvious links 276 00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:54.720 to Jason save for the trivia posts. Most nights, I 277 00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:58.600 drove myself nuts rereading banal texts from Jason about work, 278 00:15:58.679 --> 00:16:04.279 stress catching myself, imagining inflection and hidden meanings. A few 279 00:16:04.360 --> 00:16:07.879 days later, Jason came home with flowers, purple tulips, the 280 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:10.080 kind he used to buy in our first spring together. 281 00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:12.440 He looked sheepish as he set them on the table. 282 00:16:12.879 --> 00:16:15.519 You've been putting up with a lot lately. Work espen 283 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:18.200 a black hole. I'm sorry, I've checked out. I feel 284 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:21.919 like I haven't been here. He cupped my cheek, eyes apologetic. 285 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:24.679 I booked us a weeknd away at the lake House, 286 00:16:25.080 --> 00:16:29.600 no phones, just us. We need a reset, right, He grinned, 287 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.320 the kind that still made me weak, and I let 288 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:35.240 myself give in to the relief, burying my face in 289 00:16:35.320 --> 00:16:38.559 his shoulder. The trip was everything it should have been 290 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:41.960 quiet mornings with coffee on the deck, hiking in the wet, 291 00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:44.840 green air, sharing stories late into the night, the way 292 00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:48.799 we used to. Jason was attentive, hands lingering on my back, 293 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.720 asking questions, laughing at my bad jokes. The second evening, 294 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:55.960 he produced a bottle of wine, expensive, identical to the 295 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:59.879 receipt i'd found. Figured we deserved something nice, he said, 296 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:03.559 pouring us both glasses. We toasted to second chances, to 297 00:17:03.639 --> 00:17:07.359 choosing each other again. For a little while, I let 298 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:11.240 myself believe, silencing the voice that warned me everything was 299 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:15.480 too neatly timed. After we got home, the magic lasted 300 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:19.160 a few days. Jason sent texts during the day, left 301 00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:22.519 post its in the kitchen with puns about excellent mornings. 302 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:25.640 We curled up together on the couch, ordered take out 303 00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:29.759 for once instead of meal, prepping the return of intimacy. However, 304 00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:33.160 brief lulled me into thinking I had overreacted, that my 305 00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:37.480 doubt was just the product of stress and over analysis. Then, 306 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:40.160 on a random Tuesday, I found a text while helping 307 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:43.079 Jason search for a client number on his phone. It 308 00:17:43.119 --> 00:17:46.319 popped open in a thread labeled Mike work, but the 309 00:17:46.359 --> 00:17:50.319 message was unmistakably not about work. Last night was amazing, 310 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:54.839 Counting the days until next week? Zoxo. My face went cold. 311 00:17:55.200 --> 00:17:59.000 There were earlier texts, some mundane but sprinkled with inside 312 00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:02.400 jokes and emoji, none of which matched any Mike I'd met. 313 00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:07.039 I scrolled back, reading benign logistics that trailed off into 314 00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:11.759 a string of late night missives, flirtations, then lists, miss you, 315 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:15.119 you looked so good in blue, don't forget Friday. I 316 00:18:15.240 --> 00:18:19.240 dropped the phone like it burned, my mind spun. Was 317 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:22.160 it a work joke? Was Mike an inside code for 318 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:25.480 someone else, a friend with an unfortunate texting style? The 319 00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:28.839 contact icon was plain, the number not one, I recognized 320 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:32.039 reason ward with dread. I put the phone down and 321 00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:34.880 went to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face, 322 00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:38.319 willing myself to calm down. When Jason wandered in a 323 00:18:38.359 --> 00:18:42.240 moment later, he seemed normal, humming, folding an errant towel, 324 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:45.880 asking if I wanted tie or sushi for dinner. I 325 00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:50.519 could barely answer, stomach twisted in a knot. I called Tara, 326 00:18:50.759 --> 00:18:53.720 hands shaking, reading her the message, as if the mere 327 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:56.319 act of saying it aloud might make it make sense. 328 00:18:56.839 --> 00:19:00.839 There was a long silence. Whose Mike, She finally asked, 329 00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:04.240 But it didn't sound like a real question. There was 330 00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:07.319 no clean way to confront Jason yet, not when all 331 00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:10.279 I had was a gnawing chain of inconsistencies and a 332 00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:14.559 single message that might be cleverly explained. Still, I felt 333 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:17.880 the foundation of my life tilting. I went back through 334 00:19:17.960 --> 00:19:21.440 old trivia photos, searching for signs, for the way his 335 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.400 hand rested on the small of Rachel's back, for their 336 00:19:24.519 --> 00:19:28.920 matching smiles at inside jokes I'd never heard. I spent 337 00:19:29.000 --> 00:19:32.240 one night on the couch, unable to bear Jason's warmth 338 00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:35.839 pressed against my back, making excuses about needing to finish 339 00:19:35.880 --> 00:19:40.000 up a project for work. My dreams were restless, filled 340 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:42.920 with echoing trivia questions and the image of some one 341 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:45.839 else laughing at stories I used to know by heart. 342 00:19:46.880 --> 00:19:49.279 With Tara's help, I dug into the puzzle of the 343 00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:53.599 woman from trivia, Rachel, watching her tagged social posts for clues, 344 00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:57.880 piecing together time lens with maddening slowness. Tara, savvy in 345 00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:01.119 the small world networking of our city, soon texted her 346 00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:03.799 full name is Rachel Levin. She just moved into the 347 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:07.400 Wilcoe Lofts shows up in tons of local groups. Recently 348 00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:12.880 divorced super active online, but lockdown photographs surfaced Rachel at 349 00:20:12.880 --> 00:20:17.240 book club, at happy hour, at trivia. Jason always managed 350 00:20:17.240 --> 00:20:20.720 to stay out of frame, except for those random fleeting 351 00:20:20.759 --> 00:20:25.680 glimpses in someone else's group shot. One afternoon, I noticed 352 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:29.559 Jason's messenger bag slumped by the door, gaping open. I 353 00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:33.079 heard the shower running, and on a wild heart tracing impulse, 354 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:35.759 reached in and found a thin black phone wedged in 355 00:20:35.799 --> 00:20:40.240 the side pocket, unfamiliar, a cheap Android, not his regular iPhone. 356 00:20:40.720 --> 00:20:43.039 Guts screaming, I unlocked it with the same code he 357 00:20:43.160 --> 00:20:47.599 used for everything, Nash twelve, our old cat's name. At first, 358 00:20:47.640 --> 00:20:50.480 there was only a string of calendar reminders for meetings. 359 00:20:51.519 --> 00:20:54.880 Then I found a messaging app Long Threads with Rachel 360 00:20:55.240 --> 00:20:59.319 not hidden but never named, filled with timing confessions and 361 00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:02.480 a digital scent of tenderness I hadn't felt from Jason 362 00:21:02.519 --> 00:21:06.240 in months. I didn't open everything I couldn't bear to, 363 00:21:06.640 --> 00:21:08.960 but there was enough. Wish we could have stayed for 364 00:21:09.000 --> 00:21:12.160 one more drink. That song always reminds me of you 365 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:15.920 don't forget the wine, And there a photo he'd taken 366 00:21:15.960 --> 00:21:19.160 of them across the table, a half drained glass, her 367 00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:23.039 hand tangled around his wrist. I put the phone back, 368 00:21:23.319 --> 00:21:27.200 careful to erase any sign i'd seen it. When Jason emerged, 369 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:30.920 fresh and oblivious, wet hair curling around his ears, I 370 00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:34.119 nodded to his bag, you left your phone in there. 371 00:21:34.680 --> 00:21:37.839 He barely registered it, scooping the device up with forced 372 00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:41.559 nonchalance and tucking it out of sight. I reached the 373 00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:45.559 point where reality fractured from routine. I began to observe 374 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:48.440 my own life as if I were a stranger, noting 375 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:53.680 every misplaced glance, every vanished touch, every gap in our conversations, 376 00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:57.519 as if adding it to an inventory of proof. That 377 00:21:57.640 --> 00:22:00.559 week I called in sick on Thursday was a gray, 378 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:03.720 drizzly day, the air pressed in heavy through the windows. 379 00:22:04.119 --> 00:22:07.480 I waited until dusk, then left Tara a message cover 380 00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:09.559 for me if I'm late, and walked to the Green 381 00:22:09.599 --> 00:22:12.960 Horse just after trivia would start. The place was lively, 382 00:22:13.160 --> 00:22:16.960 crowd thick, the buzz of voices masking my nerves. I 383 00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:18.720 found a seat at the far end of the bar, 384 00:22:19.160 --> 00:22:22.079 half hidden by a pillar, and ordered a single whiskey 385 00:22:22.119 --> 00:22:26.039 to nurse it. Wasn't long before I saw them, Jason 386 00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:29.200 and Rachel arriving together, not arm in arm, but moving 387 00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:31.759 in step, as if they had already done this routine 388 00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:35.319 a dozen times. They slid onto stools at the far end, 389 00:22:35.720 --> 00:22:39.519 isolated from the group I once counted as friends. Jason 390 00:22:39.559 --> 00:22:42.759 touched her hand beneath the bar, their heads drawing together 391 00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:47.400 over the quiz sheet, faces grinning in profil. When Rachel 392 00:22:47.400 --> 00:22:50.119 got up to grab drinks, Jason watched her with a 393 00:22:50.200 --> 00:22:53.319 kind of wistfulness, as if their time together was both 394 00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:58.039 forbidden and ordinary. Now I turned away quickly, afraid of 395 00:22:58.079 --> 00:23:01.799 being recognized. The bartender eyed me with curiosity, but I 396 00:23:01.880 --> 00:23:04.759 kept my face buried in my glass, heart slamming in 397 00:23:04.839 --> 00:23:08.000 my chest. I left after the first half, my head 398 00:23:08.039 --> 00:23:12.559 foggy feet, stumbling on unfamiliar curb stones. I barely noticed 399 00:23:12.599 --> 00:23:15.000 the cold, too numb to feel much of anything but 400 00:23:15.039 --> 00:23:19.319 the pounding certainty. Jason's entire new self was unfolding out 401 00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:22.400